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I can feel it in my bones, standing in the dust; of what's left of us. (walk through the fire)
i.
She screams.
He tries to get to her, tries to move, to do anything. But he can't-he can't move.
The truth is, he's dying. He can feel it in his bones, the life literally draining out of him.
"Reb-" he tries to get out, fingers curled into his palms.
He can feel the shards of the glass, underneath his back, tearing through his jumper and piercing the skin.
"Don't bother to try and speak; it's too late."
He doesn't see the rock coming- it doesn't matter though, he couldn't have stopped it even if he had. He hears another voice and- It goes dark then, all at once.
ii.
There's a cold bite in the air. Sharp blades against his cheeks as he pushes the pram down the street. It's early - too early for any sane person to be awake, but Seb had woken him up and not stopped fussing since.
It's eerily quiet; nothing but the sound of the pram's wheels rolling against the tarmac and his own thoughts.
He tries not to think about it, tries not to reach for the bottle every time he thinks about it-about her. It never pans out that way, because Robert may have changed - but he's still working on his self-control.
He's still working on how to handle when it hurts.
He never loved her, but he cared - despite everything, he did.
There's a bang in the distance that startles him. Has him stopping in his tracks, fingers tightening around the padded handle of the pram.
It's just the back door to the Woolpack, a tired looking Chas standing on the front steps; in her dressing gown and slippers.
He can't stop his heart from feeling as though it might burst through his chest; he doesn't want to be afraid - but he can't stop. He doesn't know how to.
"Everything alright?" She calls out, she looks almost unsure. Robert's not used to that, to her not ready with a quick remark - she always liked to go for the jugular.
He nods, catching his breath and tries to breathe.
He's safe, they're safe.
Seb begins to stir then, opens his almond shape eyes and stares up at Robert; and he wonders - wonders if Seb knows who he is, or is he just a stranger? Does he want his mum?
Maybe he could have saved her, maybe he could have saved a lot of people.
Maybe.
iii.
Bob sits down Robert's third Americano on the table. It's keeping him going, the coffee, especially on days like today. He's got a conference call with a client from Belarus, he can't afford to be off, he needs a win.
"Liv, give it a rest," Aaron snaps.
They're walking into the cafe; Aaron and Liv; the latter letting the door slam shut behind her.
Robert only looks up for a millisecond before his eyes drop back to his laptop screen. He reminds himself, whatever they're talking about, it's no longer any of his business.
"I don't see why I can't come," she moans.
"For the last time, because you're not invited."
He grabs the mug, focuses on the milky brown liquid, letting their voices fade into the background.
He thinks about texting Diane, asking about Seb, but he knows he's in safe hands. Knows she would call if there was even the slightest sight of trouble.
"Are you alright, love?" Brenda asks. She's standing by his table, her head tilted, a tea towel in her hands.
He nods. It's what he does.
He nods and hopes they believe him.
iiii.
He's sitting in the portacabin, having just closed a deal via conference call, when Aaron walks in drenched.
"It's raining bloody murder out there," Aaron says, threading his fingers through his wet locks.
Robert hadn't even noticed it was raining. He hums, grabbing a folder from the pigeonhole. He scans the contents, but nothing's really going in, he can't concentrate with Aaron this close. It's almost unbearable.
"Um-how's Seb doing?"
Robert bites his tongue, hard enough to break the skin, a bloody coper substance filling his mouth.
"We don't have to do this," he whispers, bottom lip caught between his teeth.
"Don't have to do what?" Aaron asks.
He looks up then, meet's Aaron's soft eyes, and he want's to crumble. "We've both moved on." Aaron has anyway. "We don't have to continue whatever this is."
"Rob," he murmurs, "I've told ya, I'm not just going to stop caring because we're not together anymore - unless ya don't want me to."
Robert shakes his head, "No-I just" he stops himself. Stands from his chair, letting the back of it slam against the wall. "I need some air."
He walks out then, ignore's Aarons gaze as he leaves; he can't do again.
v.
He lays down on his bed, Seb resting on his chest.
He never thought he'd have this, he thought he'd lost Seb - just another person on his long list of regrets - but here he was.
"How about a nursery rhyme, hm?"
Seb gargles, gnawing at Robert's jumper.
"I'll take that as a yes," Robert says, letting out a breathy laugh. He wiggles slightly further down the mattress, keeping a steady grip on Seb's small frame as he does so.
"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall," he began, "all the King’s Horses and all the King’s men couldn’t put Humpty-"
He pauses, "...together again."
He sniffles, lick's his lips. "That was a shit rhyme, mate, I'm sorry."
It's him, he can't be put together again. He just hopes Seb won't be caught in the wreckage when he finally implodes.
vi.
They're a proper couple; Aaron and Alex; happy from what Liv tells him with a malice grin, intended to hurt.
He understands, he does. He only wishes a sorry would fix things; he'd say it till he was blue in the face if it meant she'd stop hating him.
"You can't keep doing this to yourself," Vic worries, hands to her hips.
He's not, he hasn't looked over there once.
"I'm sitting in my local, Vic, is that not allowed?" He asks. He pokes at the burn on his wrist. Testing ground for steaming milk, better him than Seb's mouth.
"Not when they're around it's not."
He huffs. "It's not like I knew."
She doesn't get it, won't - or can't - understand that he doesn't want to talk about it - doesn't want to get caught up in an ocean of thoughts that would no doubt drag him below the surface.
He just wants to eat his pie. He just want's to get through the day. That's all he wants.
"I know what you're doing Rob, and I'm not going to stand by and watch you torture yourself."
vii.
"Robert, mind giving me a hand?" Doug calls from across the street as Robert leaves David's, a bag of cans dangling from his hand.
He shuffles over to where the older man's on his knees, shovel in hand. He's always been impressed by Doug's vegetable patch, if for nothing but that it's survived the villages taunting.
"What do you need?" Robert asks, dropping the bag softly to the soil.
"An extra pair of hands, grab a shovel from the chest over there and get digging."
He raises a brow, and wonders if Diane's put him up to this. What other reason would Doug have for asking him, of all people, to help with his pride and joy?
He almost wants to tell him to sod off and go back to original plan of drinking cans on the settee like the loser that he was.
He doesn't. Instead, he takes off his jacket, placing it on top of the plastic bag. He grabs himself a shovel and crouches down beside him.
"With your help, we might just be done in time for tea. Diane's doing salmon rolls."
"Must be my lucky day then."
viii.
Aaron corners him, of course, he does, the younger lad never knows when to let things lie.
It's Robert's fault, of course, it is, he knew it would only be a matter time before Aaron had cottoned on the fact that Robert was actively ignoring him.
He didn't want to, Robert wanted to be mates, he wanted that more than anything. But his heart just wouldn't let him have both-it was too painful.
The day he told Aaron to let him go, Christmas Day to be exact, his heart had begun to shatter, but there was a glimmer of hope back then. That letting Aaron go meant that maybe - just maybe - he would be okay.
But then it happened, she died and his heart well and truly broke, for different reasons.
So Robert and his heart made themselves a deal - leave Aaron true and well alone, and maybe then, one ache won't burn so bright.
He needed just one of them to dull. Just one.
He's just picked Seb up from Vanessa's, he wouldn't call them friends.
More like two people with kids, who from time to time call each other for childcare, or dating advice. The latter more Vanessa, he mostly just nods along and waits for the day when she tells him she's finally willing to give Charity a go.
They can't dance around each other forever; at some point, the other shoe has to drop.
Aaron storms over, face like thunder. "If you've got a problem, you can just say it, mate."
He inhales through his nose, letting out a breath. "I've not got a problem, Aaron. What are you on about?"
"You, ignoring me."
"I'm not," he denies, eyes falling to Seb's sleeping frame.
Aaron scoffs. "You can't even be bothered to put together a decent excuse? I guess you don't care anymore. I'll fuck off then."
Robert does care, of course he does, he doesn't think they'll stop.
"You're wrong," he says quietly under his breath. "I do care - maybe too much, that's the problem."
Aaron's eyes turn soft then, the sort of warmth Robert used to crave, like water.
He shouldn't. He takes a step back, pulling the pram along with him, clearing his throat to relieve the silence.
That's when he see's him, walking up to the street; Liv flanked at his side; he swallows.
"I think they're looking for you," Robert says, cocking his head slightly in their direction.
When Aaron turns, Robert takes the opportunity to leave. It's called the past for a reason, and that's where he'd rather leave it.
ix.
The air smells different, an almost off tang to it.
Robert had been surprised by the text, he knew Rebecca was thawing, but an invitation to visit Seb seemed miles ahead of where they were.
He wasn't going to fight it though. Wasn't going to question her; he'd been dying to see Seb for weeks.
There's a taste in his mouth, stale air, or perhaps something worse.
He tentatively walks inside, pulls the door close behind him. Maybe he's early?
That's when he sees the foot, the black loafer sticking out from behind the staircase.
He should leave. But he doesn't.
x.
He eats at home, knowing his luck, they'd be having a repeat performance of their "happy family" routine - only it's real.
So he gives Seb his usual tea; a bottle of milk and a glass jar of whatever puree is sitting on the shelves.
He should care more, about what Seb eats. He shouldn't just grab the first four jars he sees on the shelves of the infant section and be done with it.
She would. But he doesn't and hates himself just that little bit more for it.
He eats alone, turns on Grand Designs, and wiggles his arse further down into the settee cushions.
This was his life now.
::
xi.
He feels pathetic, and most definitely undatable.
"Why am I doing this again?" he asks. He's standing in front of Vic's full-length mirror, adjusting his jacket. It just won't sit right.
"Because Rob, you can't keep spending your Friday nights watching Grand Designs and eating tim tams."
Robert shrugs. "Sounds like a good Friday night to me."
Vic groans, standing up and joining him by the mirror. "Promise me, you're going to at least try and enjoy this?"
He hums, fixing his fringe. "I don't feel ready," he confides, biting his lip.
"No one ever is, but you've got to at least try. If you don't like 'em, you don't have to see him again."
He nods. She's right, of course she is. He just needs to get out of his head.
xii.
He's nice, Oliver. He even manages to pull out a smile, something he's not done in months.
They go into town, to some restaurant that a client had told Robert about. The food's good, could even rival Vic's, not that he'd ever tell her that, Robert values his life somewhat.
"So, you said in the chat you have a son?" Oliver asks.
A bit forward for a first date, but Robert would rather get Seb out of the way. If Oliver can't handle kids, they might as well settle up and part ways now.
"Yeah, he's going on three and half months now."
Oliver smiles, dimples round. "I don't want to sound like I'm selling myself, but I'm a pretty big kid fan. Spend so much time with my nieces they feel like my own."
He laughs, playing with his napkin. "Brother or sister?" he asks.
"Sister, her husband was in the army, died during his second tour in Afghanistan - we all told him not to go back but it is what it is."
Robert chews at his lip. "Heavy first date, uh?"
It's Oliver's turn to laugh, it's deep, but quiet and all sorts of different from Aaron's. Good.
"I promise, I don't usually bring up dead relatives on the first date."
Yeah, maybe Robert can work with this.
xiii.
They fizzle out. They go on a few more dates, nothing major; just dinner and drinks.
It happens, Robert guesses; Oliver's decent, but after a few weeks, he stops calling, and Robert can't say he minds too much.
He goes back to watching Grand Designs and eating tim tams on Friday nights, it's not too bad.
xiv.
He's got dirt underneath his fingernails, and a sweat forming on his bottom brow. He doesn't mind it though, he actually likes helping Doug gardening.
It's relaxing and gives him something else to focus on. He'd rather be thinking about spring onions and pea than what his brain keeps trying to make him think about.
"Shall I make us a cuppa?" Doug asks, groaning, a hand on his back as he stands from his knees.
Robert nods, using his hands to pat at the soil, to flatten out where he'd just dug. "I'll come inside in a minute, I just want to finish this."
"Righto," Doug prattles. He takes off his gloves and leaves them by the bed of flowers before heading inside.
Robert spends about five minutes or so, planting about half-dozen more spring onion seeds before standing up, patting the dirt off his jeans.
"Didn't take you for a gardener type," Gerry shouts from behind him.
He twitches, he can't help it even though he knows he's safe, that there's no one lurking in the bushes.
It's the shouting though, he can't handle it.
He squeezes his eyes shut for a moment, getting a grip. He turns around then, Gerry standing by the benches of the pub.
Liv's with him, and Robert want's to say something, want's to ask how she is, want's to know. But he doesn't - because he knows she doesn't want him to care anymore.
"Didn't take you for the sticking around type," he shoots back.
Gerry grins, obviously thinking it was a game.
He goes inside, to a steaming hot brew waiting for him on the table.
It's nice, sitting at the kitchen table and listening to Doug ramble on about all the possibilities of what they could plant next.
xv.
"Can I have my phone back?" Robert moans. If he'd wanted her help, he would have asked.
"Nope," Vanessa smirks, popping the p. "Just because Oliver was a bust, doesn't mean you get to give up."
He rolls his eyes, grabbing his glass of wine and taking a rather large gulp. "Who said I was giving up?"
"Rob, you've not been on in weeks, you've got about twenty unanswered chats."
He scratches his head. "Ever thought that maybe tinder just isn't for me."
"Oh please, tinder's for everybody; don't be a twat about it," she chides.
She swipes right, beaming at a match. "Look," she chatters, shoving the phone into Robert's face. "She's fit, ask her out."
xvi.
He runs into Aaron at a pret a manger of all places. They've got a small one on the high street in Hotten; Aaron used to hate it.
He's at the check out counter, paying for a pot of salmon and avocado when he sees him across the shop; mulling over a baguette. It had to be Alex, right? He looked like the healthy sort - probably managed to get Aaron into it.
He lets out a shuttered breath, hands the girl behind the counter a fiver; and tries to make great escape, but-
"Robert?"
He winces, turns on his heels, holding the pot to his chest. "Hey," he greets, acting as if the only reason he hadn't stopped was because he hadn't seen him.
"Chicken or parma?" Aaron asks, holding up both baguettes for show.
Robert points at Aaron's right hand; parma.
"I knew you'd pick that," Aaron laughs.
Robert huffs, feigning offence. "Am I that obvious?"
"Only when it comes to your hams."
It's weird, but Robert actually feels okay, standing there talking to Aaron. Joking about ham.
He feels okay and then, Aaron looks down at his watch; he looks torn for a moment. "I've got to go, I'm meant to be meeting Alex during his lunch break."
"'Course, don't be silly, better be off then, before you miss him."
Aaron looks sad, and Robert wants to ask why? He's meant to be happy, he's not meant to frown at Robert like he had the day Robert had packed his bags and left the mill - what was the point if he was still frowning like that?
Aaron leaves then. The moment ruined.
xvii.
He meets Sophie on a Tuesday; he ends up taking her to the woolpack of all place, it's coincidental. She was in the area because of work, sampling soil for the council.
He'd suggest they head into town, but she preferred something low key, his local would do. So he picks a table at the back, cocooned away from the peanut gallery at the bar.
She's taking off her coat when Robert comes back with a glass of white wine for her and a pint for himself.
She's dressed smart, having just come from work, they match.
It's not like Robert ever cared that Aaron pretty much lived in a hoodie. But it's nice, he hasn't felt he matched someone since Chrissie, some odd two years ago now.
"So you work for council?" Robert asks.
She nods, practically beams. "I'm a sampling technician; I know it sounds dead boring, but it's actually not, plus the pays not half bad."
"Does that involve lab work?"
She hums. "It's where I spend most of my time if I'm honest, can't say I mind too much when the alternative's being knee deep in cow's muck."
Robert groans. "Oh God, I'm having childhood flashbacks of being woken up at the crack of dawn to clean out the horse stables."
"You grew up on a farm?" she asks. She sounds surprised, they always did.
He laughs. "Trust me, I hated it."
She starts telling him about the farm she'd visited that afternoon, about a half hour away from Emmerdale when the doors open and Aaron walks in, Liv close behind. He doesn't pay them any mind though.
Instead, he listens intently to everything Sophie has to say; noticing the way her nose crinkles when she's talking about something she loves.
He's still nowhere near ready for something serious, but he finds he wouldn't mind seeing her again.
That's a start.
xviii.
He's dead.
"Lawrence," Robert whispers. Gets down on his knees, ear to the older man's mouth - and nothing.
He stares at Lawrence's lifeless frame, scratching frantically at his eyebrow; he doesn't know what to do.
It's only then he feels it. His knees are wet, soaked in fact. He jumps, startled, landing on his arse, feet away from the body.
It's blood, seeping out from underneath the body - Lawerence's body.
He's been kneeling in blood, that's what's on his jeans. He shakes, heart slamming against his rib cage; blood rushing to his ears.
"He deserved it, you know."
He clumsily turns around, on his knees - and Lachlan's standing there, the rims of his eyes red, cheeks blotchy.
"What have you done?" Robert whispers, he doesn't know where to look; he goes back and forth between Lawerence's broken frame and the person who done it to him; who'd done the breaking.
"I should have done this ages ago; got you down on your knees. It's a good look on you, Sugden."
xix.
He wakes with a start, fingers clawing at his neck; leaving red marks scattered across his milky skin.
He sits up, reaches for the bassinet he'd pushed against his side of the bed when he'd brought Seb home for the first time.
He'd stayed up all night, placed Seb beside him on the mattress and watched him sleep.
Pain changes people - it's changed him. Robert's lived through hardships in his life, caused as many as he got; burned and pillaged.
It was never like this though.
They say a man plagued with nightmares every night has to be in a tremendous about of pain.
Robert's drowning in it.
xx.
Liv approaches him while he's having a coffee in the cafe. She's got her school uniform on, but it's mid-morning, it's obvious she's skiving, she isn't fooling anyone, least of all him.
He doesn't bother commenting, it's not his place - not anymore.
"Are you dating that girl from the pub?" she asks bluntly. She runs her fingers over the mug of hot chocolate he'd bought her.
He shrugs. "We're just hanging out, that's all."
It's the truth, he's only met up with Sophie twice.
It could go somewhere but Robert wants slow, needs slow. That's all he can handleright now.
"But you like her?" She presses; eyes wide.
Robert smiles, let's it bloom across his face; for once, for a moment, it's not forced. "Yeah, I do," he says.
Her eyes flicker. "I see." She quips. She picks up her mug and down's the content before storming off; not even bothering to say goodbye.
It just leaves him confused.
::
xxi.
Robert seeks him out for the first time in months, for the first time since he'd let Aaron go.
"Aaron," he says unsure, approaching the younger lad outside the pub.
The airs getting warmer, nowhere near spring, but it's not the sort of bite that turns his fingers numb. Aaron's sitting outside the pub, scrolling through his phone.
He looks up, looking genuinely surprised. "Yeah?"
Robert tentatively sits down beside him. "You were right," he says, fiddling with the top button on his coat.
"About what?"
"Me, avoiding you. That's exactly what I was doing."
He feels like he's let out a secret, like the fragile ice they'd both been standing on has finally cracked and it's sink or swim now.
Aaron surprised him like he always does. "I know," he says gently. "But I figured it was best not to push."
Robert nods, chewing at his bottom lip. "I just - I don't know how to handle it, any of it."
"It's a lot to handle," Aaron agrees, he's kind. Just like he always is, kinder to him than he'll ever deserve.
"I keep waiting," he admits, "waiting for things to suddenly feel okay, but they don't."
Aaron smiles sadly, placing a hand on Robert's knee. "Maybe you need to stop waiting for things to be okay, and just take it one day at a time."
Maybe he did.
xxii.
She laughs, it's quiet, but contagious.
They're sitting on the rug in the living room, playing checkers on her IPad. Seb's upstairs, having gone down for his nap a little while ago.
She's good with Seb, bounces the infant on her hip and makes funny faces, sending him into a fit of giggles.
"Your cheating," she playfully accuses, swiping the Ipad from the table.
"I'm not," he promises. "Do you want me to repeat the rules again?"
She huffs, a strand of hair falling on her face. "No," she says, dragging the word out. "I'm going to restart the game, and this time I'm going to win."
Robert throws his hand up in defence, conceding to her plan. He reaches for his glass when-
There's a sharp bang from right above them.
"What was that?" Sophie asks, not taking any mind of it. She sets the IPad back down on the coffee table, then stares at him, waiting for a response.
He can't. All he can think about is Seb, still upstairs-miles away from him.
"Rob?"
He rushes upstairs, takes them two at a time, ignoring Sophie's calls as he goes.
He holds the wall as he dashes towards his room, heart slamming against his chest, he feels like he can't breathe-
But Seb's still there. Robert approaches the bassett, and finds his son's still sleeping, unaware of Robert's panic.
It's the window, it's been propped open ajar. Robert had propped it open to let in some fresh air, because he'd thought the room was too stuffy. It had obviously been slammed shut by a gust of wind.
"Robert?" Sophie repeats worried.
He turns to find her standing in the hallway. He's still wheezing, eyes wild, almost feral. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."
He hopes he hasn't scared her off.
xxiii.
He has the locks changed, it's completely irrational; there wasn't actually anyone there.
Still, he feels better once the locksmith's left a new set of keys tucked safely in his shirt pocket.
He'll be alright.
xxiv.
"I'm fine Rob, you don't have to keep checking up on me," Vic says, throwing the onions into the frying pan.
Robert's been in his own head a lot lately, he'd been acting like a shitty brother - the usual for him. Even though Vic was great at putting up a front, he knew she was struggling with Adam being gone.
He'd seen a letter from the adoption agency in the bin. He knows what it feels like, to feel like you've lost everything at once.
"I just want you to know you can talk to me," he tells her, leaning back against the metal shelving.
She turns her head, giving him the softest look he's ever seen her give him. "I know," she smiles, "I guess this morning, it just really hit. It's actually over."
He walks over to her, throwing an arm around her shoulder. "I'm sorry."
She sniffles, stirring the onions. "I know. I'll be fine, promise. I just need time."
He leans forward then, kisses her the side of her head. He knows she will, he'll make sure of it.
xxv.
Charity keeps staring at him, won't let up as a matter of fact; it's almost unnerving as he sits there, enjoying a pint before he heads into to town to meet Sophie.
"Am I bothering you?" he snaps, whipping foam from his upper lip with a napkin.
She shrugs, twirling a blonde lock. "No, you're fine."
He quints his eyes, staring her down; what the fuck was her problem? "Then why are you staring at me like I've got something on my face?"
She walks over to him then, elbows resting on the bar. "I'm just trying to decide if I should tell you or not."
"Tell me what?" he exasperates.
"Aaron's broken it off with Alex," and oh. He wasn't expecting that and he's got no clue how he feels about it, if he's being honest with himself.
"He what?" he blurts out.
She smirks. "Yup, apparently, there just wasn't a spark. You didn't hear it from me though, I don't need Chas on my case about it."
He nods numbly. There wasn't any hope for them, Aaron had said so himself, him breaking up with Alex didn't change that.
It changed nothing.
xxv.
He can hardly hear over the rushing of blood to his brain, he almost doesn't want to believe it could be true. Of course, deep down Robert had always known Lachlan was capable of this; his mind drifts off to Alicia for a moment; to her soaked cheeks.
He lets out a shuttered breath. "Seb," he whispers, like a secret.
Above him, Lachlan laughs. "Don't worry, your precious son's fine - for now, anyway." He moves around Robert, forcefully pulling the older man up by his arm, letting Robert stumble to find his footing.
He shakes himself out of it, licks his lips and steadies his voice. "Look, what's done is done, we can't change that. But the rest of us can still walk out of here; free. I'll help ya."
"Do you honestly think you can still manipulate me?"
"I'm no-" he denies. Feels Lachlan push at his back, forcing him towards the closed doors of the lounge. "Lach-"
"Shut up!" Lachlan screams. "This is my show now, and it's only just begun."
He leaves Robert stumbling behind him, walking towards the double doors and yanking them open. "Inside," he orders.
xxvi.
He'd never realised how much waste a baby could accumulate for such a small thing. He's finding himself taking out the nursy rubbish twice a day. As it turns out dirty nappies stink, even in the bin - he guesses it should have been common sense.
But Robert's never been around babies before - Seb's his first. Of course, he'd been around Vic, but he'd been too preoccupied with his own life; his mum had done all the work.
He's tossing a bag of rubbish into the wastebasket outside when he sees Aaron and Alex from across the street; perhaps they've made up? It could have just been a barney, though Charity's words still ring in his head.
Aaron doesn't look particularly happy; he wonders why - wonders a lot of things lately.
His phone dings then, from where it's sat in his trouser pocket. It snaps him out of it; hurrying back inside the cottage. It's not his business anymore, he promised himself, he'd let Aaron go, let Aaron be with someone good for him. Someone who made him happy.
Maybe that was Alex; maybe it iss another bloke right around the corner for him. He just know it wasn't him; Robert couldn't make him happy.
That's just how it had to be.
xxvii.
"Room for one more?" Aaron asks, eyeing the empty space beside him on the bench.
He nods, grabbing Seb's baby bag and placing it near his feet. They're sat at the park; Seb's not old enough to play on any of the equipment, but he seems content to sit in Robert's lap and watch the handful of children around play.
"Haven't seen you up at the portacabin the last few days," Robert comments.
Aaron quirks his mouth into a shape just shy of a frown. "I've taken a few days off, which now that Adam's gone; is pretty much suicide."
"Well, I'm shit at manual labour, but I can make a start on the paperwork on your desk if that'll help?"
"Are ya sure? I know you've already got a lot on your plate right now." Aaron questions, scratching at his eyebrow.
He hums. "I'm sure. I wouldn't have asked if I wasn't."
"Who told you?" Aaron sighs, breathing out through his nose. He looks uncomfortable, and Robert's heart constricts-
"Charity," he confesses, "but don't worry, I haven't told anyone else."
"It's alright, it was bound to get out at some point. I just wanted to be the one to tell ya, that's all."
Robert frowns, the space between his brow creasing. "Why?" he perplexes.
"Because we're mates," Aaron says, shakes his head. "It doesn't matter, the cat's out of the bag now."
Seb pipes in then, an incoherent string of babbles, making Aaron laugh under his breath.
"He's like his dad, he's got to stick is oar into every conversation," Robert jokes. "Isn't that right, Seb?" he asks, earning back another babble in response.
"God help him, if he is," Aaron teases.
Robert laughs then, placing a kiss to the top of Seb's head; he's got a pretty good head of hair on him now. "I'll see him right, don't you worry."
xxviii.
The thing about hope is; it's man's greatest weakness. Robert thinks he could drown in an ocean of hope, he'd rather be hopeless.
It's the ones that dare to hope, that get hurt the worst. They're a bunch of idiots.
xxix.
It's the nightmares that get him.
It's puddles of blood and dark figures that hide in the shadows.
It's a woman's scream, ringing into the night.
It's claws at his neck, ripping him apart, each by each.
The worst of it is - the one that petrifies him the most, that leaves him awake at night unable to sleep, is an empty bassinet. It's a baby cry, louder and louder - but nothing, there's nothing there, just a single blanket.
Seb's gone, that's the worst.
::
xxx.
He's tired, he hasn't slept in days, and this time he can't just blame it on Seb. Vic won't let him. She sees through him the second he steps into the kitchen.
It's fine though because it always passes. He just has to stick it out through the worst, and he'll come out the other side better for it.
That's what he tells Vic, he doesn't think she believes him, but it's just going to have to do for now.
"You're on your fourth cup, are you sure your alright?" Sophie asks, her eyes flicker. She's worried.
Robert's been drinking coffee all morning, drinking it as if it was water; it might as well have been to him. He knows she only wants to help, she's been kind to him. His friend. It's not like he doesn't want to be more, he does.
But he doesn't think he has it in him right now; no matter how many times he tells himself there's no hope for him and Aaron - he hopes. Because he can't not hope for them. And as long as he does, as long as he hopes, he can't be with Sophie.
He can't do that to her.
She understands, of course, she does. Because Robert has a habit of pulling people towards him who are just so much better than him.
"Yeah, I just haven't been sleeping well the last few nights."
"Maybe you should make an appointment with the doctor?" she suggests, pulling out her phone. "I have the number of a good GDP in the area if you'd like?"
He could go and see Dr Cavanagh, but he knows exactly what the doctor is going to say; he needs to see someone. Robert's changing, trying to be better, but he's not that different.
"No it's alright, I've got one, I'll give him a call later today."
She cocks her head slightly. "I'm sure it'll be fine," she speaks calmly, trying her hardest to soothe him.
"'Course it will."
xxxi.
He doesn't call Dr Cavanagh - he wants to ask for help, he just doesn't know how.
He wants to be strong, wants to make it through this - but she's screaming in his ears; and it's all he can hear.
It won't let him rest.
xxxii.
He visits the graveyard - it would take two hands to count the number of people Robert knows who are buried under the ground of this place.
It's where the dead goes to rest, and the living goes to regret.
He's never been to her tombstone before, was still in the hospital going through the wars when they'd committed her to the ground.
He stands there awkwardly swaying slightly, staring at the purple violets he'd placed on her grave;
She was haunting him, perhaps it served him right.
"He'll ask about you one day, you know," he speaks to her. "He'll wonder who you are - who you were, and I promise I'll be there to tell him - to tell him you loved the bones off him."
He cries, and cries, and cries.
xxxiii.
It's been months - longer than that since the Dingles gave a shit about him. They're curious, he gets it - it's been a while since him and Aaron had had a drink together; both single.
It's Aaron who had suggested it, as they both left the portacabin having spent the better half of the afternoon elbow deep in paperwork.
Robert couldn't think of a reason not to. Diane had Seb for the evening, and a pint sounded good, after a day of hard graft.
"So have you guys adopted Gerry or what?" he jokes, leaning back in his chair, legs crossed.
"Kind of?" Aaron marvels. "I don't even know how it happened - he just wormed his way in and never left."
"Admit it, you like the kid."
He shrugs, but Robert knows. Can see the fondness splayed all over Aaron's face - it's a love-hate relationship they have going on; but deep down, Robert thinks Aaron's glad to have Gerry there.
Robert's about to say something when-
"Another round, lads?" Chas asks, rounding the bar and coming over to their table, and of course.
Aaron groans, shaking his head. "Ta, but if we wanted another round, we'd ask like everybody else."
Robert remains silent, this wasn't his fight, and even though he wasn't sure if Chas was capable of hating Robert more than she already did; he wasn't willing to risk it.
"Alright love, I was just trying to be nice."
He scoffs. "Sure, that's what ya were doing."
She leaves, making sure to give Robert a pointed look; yeah, she definitely still hated him. Just another bridge he'd brunt to the ground, he's used to it, after all, it's what he does.
"Maybe we should call it night, yeah?" Robert doubts. He doesn't want to leave - he wants to sit here with Aaron, and yeah, maybe that's the problem.
"No," Aaron seethes. "Ignore them, Rob, please?"
He nods. "Sure," he says, grabbing his pint and taking a rather large gulp; easier said than done.
xxxiv.
His eyes fall on her and the bundle of blankets she's holding in her arms; Seb's head peeking through and he can breathe.
"Go on," Lachlan urges. "Go sit next to the mother of your spawn."
So he does, on legs that feel like gelatin; he walks over to her, sitting down beside her on the settee. "Are you alright?" he asks, he knows it's a stupid question. She's got black tears running down her face; a mixture of water and mascara running, snot all over her upper lip; she's the farthest thing from alright.
"Is that sweet," Lachlan coos. "He cares - hmm, I wonder if he'd still care if he knew?"
Robert frowns at Lachlan's gibberish. "Lachlan, please. Do whatever the hell you want with me, but let them go."
Lachlan smiles then, it feels more like a mask than anything else; he has to be in pain - there still has to be a person underneath there - there has to be.
"Are you really, really sure that's what you want?"
"'Course I am, they're innocent," he says with conviction.
"Bex," Lachlan turns, addressing her for the first time since Robert entered the room. "Come on, this is getting sad, the guy is willing to die for ya."
She swallows; clinging to Seb like she was afraid he'd be next; "I don't know what he's talking about."
Lachlan tilts his head then, an almost comical contradiction to the situation. "I think you do."
It all begins to unravel then.
xxxv.
"You don't have to worry, sweetheart, I'll never let anyone hurt you again," he whispers to his son. He's standing beside the bassinette, staring out the window as the wind rages on outside.
Seb's asleep, his small chest breathing in and out; Robert knows, he's counted. Sat up through the night and watched his chest fall up and down; a perfect melody in the darkness.
He's something - someone to live for, he can get by on that.
xxxvi.
He's zipping up his fly and leaving the bathroom at the pub when Liv corners him; blocking his exit, trapping them both.
"You think your winning, don't you?" she snaps, arms folded tight against her chest. Her mouth's doing that thing it always does when Robert's in the room nowadays; frowning.
"What?" he asks, confused. He can't imagine himself winning anything at the moment. He is a single dad, still living with his sister; hardly a catch - hardly anything really.
"You," she says forcefully, jamming her finger into his chest. "Worming your way back into Aaron's life."
It's fair, really, she's worried, and he gets it. If this was Vic he'd be worried too - Liv only wants what's best for Aaron and that wasn't him.
"We're just mates, Aaron and I both know going back there isn't an option."
She bites her lip, looking torn. "You see, you sound sincere - but you could be lying. Just like you were the last time."
He doesn't know what to say, to make her believe him; to make her understand that despite his many mistakes, Robert has always and will always want the best for Aaron - he doesn't know how to want anything else, and he doubts he ever will.
"I don't know what else you want me to say."
"Simple, say you'll stay away," she retorts. "Say you'll stay away from our Aaron."
He feels his heart begin to crumble - he wants to - he wants to make her feel better but he just can't find it in himself to agree to her terms. "I can't," he croaks.
"Typical, your so selfless," she bellows, and storms out, letting the door slam shut in her wake.
He wishes he could tell her he's sorry.
xxxvii.
Everything changes when he walks in on Aaron holding Seb. He's holding the infant so close to his chest and his whole body practically sings, because this feels like a dream, this feels like everything Robert had ever wanted, but never dared to dream he could ever have.
"Everything alright?" he asks, walking back into the room. Hands still wet, he wipes them against the material of his trousers. He'd gone to the bathroom, taken a bit longer than usual because it still feels weird to be hanging out at the mill after everything that's happened.
"I-I yeah, he started to cry and I just," Aaron doesn't finish his sentence, stares down at Seb like he was trying to work something out; like there was a puzzle somewhere, in that milky white, baby soft skin.
They're silent for a moment and Robert could stand there forever; watching Seb in Aaron's arms. "He has your eyes," Aaron finally says, sounding breathless.
Robert smiles, a crinkle to his eyes. "I mean, they could still change, all babies are born with blue eyes," Robert shrugs.
"No," Aaron says, "they won't."
He doesn't disagree, after all she had blue eyes too, anything was possible.
xxxviii.
It's not like he hadn't known, Robert's not stupid - well most of the time anyway. Of course, he'd known, but seeing it, that was another story altogether.
He'd come in through the back door, two bags of shopping in either hand, and there's giggling.
Vic's giggling, the sound he doesn't think he'd hear from his little sister since she was just that, little.
He places the shopping bags on the counter and walks into the corridor, standing in the entrance to the living room. They're sitting there, curled up, Moses playing at their feet with the train Vic had bought him a while back, and he realises she's happy.
She's smiling.
She's got Seb's baby monitor curled between her fingers; she's fiercely protective of her nephew, she's never far away when she's watching him.
In a lot of ways, what had happened, had left them both scared, just in their own ways.
He would never have thought of Ross and Vic working. Yeah, he knows she'd made out with him, in a little too much detail if you ask him, Vic having been far too drunk to hold herself back.
But he'd never thought it could be something more.
He's Ross, he's sitting a little too close for comfort, but Robert oddly finds he doesn't mind, which considering their history, he should - he really should.
The thing is, he's made her laugh. He's made Vic smile. He just can't find it in himself to be upset or mad at the person who'd brought her back to life after the devastation Adam had left in his wake.
"Vic, I'm home," he calls out from the hall, heading up the stairs to check on Seb.
She was moving on, maybe he needed to move on too.
xxxix.
He feels like he's falling. Falling all over again for something - for someone he can't possibly have.
He needs to wake up - wake up.
The problem is; he doesn't want to.
::
xl.
He almost forgets, almost - for a second that Aaron isn't his anymore.
He orders for them both at the Cafe, an Americano for himself, and a bacon buttie with a tea for Aaron. He orders easily, almost second nature, telling Brenda exactly how Aaron likes his tea made; milky and sweet.
It feels normal, the most normal thing in the world.
It hits him then, it's normal because he had Aaron, he had him, and he fucked it up and he doesn't have him anymore.
It leaves a sour taste in his mouth as he sits down at the table opposite him; he kicks himself for forgetting, how fucking stupid was he.
"Rob," Aaron says softly, head cocked to the side. "You hear me? You look miles off."
He takes a breath and tries his best not to shutter. "Sorry, just thinking about the million and one things I need to do later, go on."
He does, he talks and Robert hangs on every word he says and tries to make himself forget for just a little bit longer.
xli.
It happens, of course it happens. Robert's nothing if not a masochist, this is right up his street, ruining things.
"It's not even possible," Robert groans, throwing the controller, beside him on the settee, "for me to be that bad at this." Yeah, this really wasn't helping his ego right now.
"What's not possible is that you've gotten worse," Aaron laughs, taking a sip of his beer.
"Well I've not played in ages, some of us have grown up things to do," he jokes. Earns himself a playful shove from Aaron, almost topples him over, in his 4 beers into the game state. He's heavily invested.
"Please, some of us just know how to have fun."
Robert scoffs. "Are you telling me I don't know how to have a good time?"
Aaron pretends to think about it for a moment, tapping at his jaw, as he hums. "Yeah, I am."
The air between them is warm, safe even - it's just the two of them and Robert can't help himself.
He has to cock it up.
And he does. He surges forward, and suddenly they're kissing. Lips locked, Robert's hands to Aaron's hair and the younger lads hands to his hips, and it just makes sense. It's like the birth of a star, the universe forming, everything lining into place, just right - just perfectly enough to create life.
Aaron's not pulling back, not shoving himself away, not throwing him out - but he can't.
He's into it, and then suddenly he's not. He's pushing his hands into Aaron's chest, shoving him away, to create distance between themselves - to make it stop.
"What's wrong?" Aaron hesitates, looking hurt - and Robert's done this.
"I-I can't," he chokes, fists making balls; he almost wants to punch himself - for being this fucking stupid.
"I think you should go," Aaron demands, rims of his an angry red.
So he does, he runs and it all falls apart again.
xlii.
"Do it," Lachlan sneers, "fucking tell him the truth, Rebecca."
She sobs beside him, and it's fucking awful. All he wants is to figure out a way out of this mess, but he can't. He sees this playing out, and not ending well for them - he can't see a way out.
"I-I don't," she starts with a whimper. "Please Lachlan," she begs.
"Do it, or I swear to God I'll-"
"Bex, just tell me, please," Robert pleads interrupting Lachlan's threats. All he can see is Seb, laying in Rebecca's arms; sound a sleep - it's all Robert cares about, it's all he knows Rebecca cares about too - Seb making it out of this. He had to.
She turns towards him, her eyes a black watery mess. "I'm so sorry, Robert, you were never supposed to find out-I-I-your his dad, okay? Nothing will ever change that, do you hear me? Your it, Seb's your son."
Robert frowns, browns scrunched. "Bex," he says slowly; her words finally registering; the weight of them soul-crushing.
"You're not Seb's biological father."
It's like he can't breathe, blood rushing to his head - he can't think.
His little boy, he's- not?
"I thought you were, I really did-but I-I couldn't help myself, I shouldn't have, I shouldn't have but a small part of me-I had to know and I regret it, even after all the fucked up stuff you've done to my family, I regret needing to know."
"Who's the father," he asks, quietly.
"You're his father," she stresses.
He shouts then, stands to his feet in outrage, "No, who's the real FATHER?"
"Just some random one night stand."
Robert opens his mouth to speak when Lachlan's clapping throws him off. He's standing there, grin wide, from ear to ear, like this is exactly what he had wanted; a front row ticket to chaos.
"Still sure you wanna die for 'em."
His eyes fall on Seb - to his ... - he doesn't even know what to call him now, just that his name's on the birth certificate, that he loves him as fiercely as any father would.
"Yes."
xliii.
He's back to basics, back to avoiding Aaron - back to wanting, but not allowing himself to have.
It's better this way, perhaps not for himself, but certainly for Aaron-
Because Robert was a storm, wild and unruly, destroying everything in his wake - he can't help it.
It's just like Val had said; the only place Aaron would end up with Robert was in a morgue.
He couldn't let that happene, he couldn't let his storm destroy the healthy blue sky Aaron had built for himself - he loved him too much.
xliv.
Vic makes them both tea, sits Robert down on the settee, and just listens, it's in these moments she reminds him so much of mum, with her kind eyes and understanding smile - she's her mother's daughter through and through.
"I kissed him, Vic," he confesses, hands covering his face. "I didn't think, I just did what I always do; ruin a good thing."
"Rob," she sighs, "you obviously still have feelings for him, you need to talk to him about it."
Robert shakes his head. "What's the point? It can't go anywhere, so what's the point of dragging Aaron into this mess."
She grabs his knee, digging her fingers in. "Because he deserves to know how you feel. Don't you think?"
- maybe he did. Robert's not sure.
xlv.
"You just can't help yourself, can you?" Liv barks, shoving past Robert and storming into the house. He'd expected this - he expected it to hurt.
"Hello to you too, sunshine," he mutters, following her into the living room.
She doesn't sit, stands there with her hands tight to her hips, angry. She deserves so much better than this, he knows, she doesn't deserve Robert's mess, she doesn't deserve to be messed about. He just wants to say sorry.
"You've done it again, you know, made Aaron miserable."
"I'm sorry," he apologises, he can't say it enough - even though he knows his words must feel empty, after what he's done.
"That's it?" she asks unimpressed. "Can't even be bothered to string together an excuse?"
She sounds just like Aaron, just like that day at the portacabin when Aaron had finally lost it, and confronted him - they don't get it though, they don't understand he loves them too much to string together an excuse and hope they buy it.
He doesn't want to lie to them; they deserve better than that.
"No," he chews on his bottom lip. "All I can say is I'm sorry. I fucked up again, but I'm going to stay away, I realise now, that's what's best."
She doesn't look happy.
"Good."
xlvi.
"Remeber when you told me to just go for it with Charity? Let go and just let the pieces fall into place however they will?"
"Yeah.."
"Maybe it's time you started taking your own advice."
xlvii.
"You're mine," Robert whispers to the sleeping infant cradled in his arms. "My little boy - and nothing will - could ever change that. I swear."
xlviii.
"I don't deserve this bullshit," Aaron hisses, almost shoves at him - Robert want's to let him, want's to let Aaron take out his anger on him because it's what he deserves, he caused this pain.
"I know," he whispers.
"No," Aaron says forcefully. "You don't know and that's the fucking problem. I let you back in and for what? For you to regret me? Is that it? Do you not feel the same anymore?"
Robert wants to scream. Of course, he feels the same - of course he fucking does, that's the problem. "That's the problem, Aaron, I do still feel the same."
"What?" Aaron asks confused.
"I feel the same and that's the fucking problem; we ended it for a reason Aaron - that hasn't changed."
"Well, it has for me," Aaron admits, takes a step closer towards Robert; their doing this in the men's bathroom of the wollie, of all places.
It's fitting though, they have too much history here; it makes Robert's eyes water.
"It hasn't for me," he lies.
Stabs the knife into the front of Aaron's chest; hurts to be kind.
He storms out; leaves Robert alone - all alone.
xlix.
Robert doesn't feel okay. He admits it to himself and himself alone.
He's not fucking okay.
::
l.
She's laying there, blond curls matted with blood - he silently pleads with her not to be dead. She can't be-
She moans, and Robert is grateful, and terrified.
"If she had any sense, she'd have died already," Lachlan snarls. "She can't even do that right."
He tries to remember the kid, the one he'd met back in London, all young and filled with angst but not like this - he remembers the kid asking Robert to play video games with him.
What happened to that kid - looking at Lachlan now - what happened?
"How did you know?" Robert asks, referring to the bombshell Rebecca had dropped. He can still hear it ringing in his ears - nothing feels right.
Lachlan cluckes his tongue. "Remember when I was meant to be at a 'mate's'," he asks, using his friends in quotation marks - it was a lie.
"While dear old mummy thought I was off somewhere trying to top myself? I was here, right up there," he says pointing to the ceiling. "Watching you all fool about, and perfect mummy over there left the letter on her bedside table of all places."
"You didn't have to hurt her," Robert calls, he'd wanted her to put Seb down - she'd fought him- Seb had almost fallen in the tumble if Robert hadn't caught him in his arms.
-and then he'd hurt her.
"She should have done what I asked and put down the spawn," Lachlan snaps, taking a step closer to the bassinet.
"Don't touch him," Robert orders, he'd die trying to keep Seb safe -
"What's the matter, Sugden? Scared?"
"Yeah, actually I am."
Lachlan moves two steps closer, and-
li.
He burns in his dreams - over and over.
He never makes it out in time - she never made it out.
lii.
He refuses to leave the house - and of course, Vic's noticed, how could she not.
She tries, asks him to run errands, but there's very little in this day and age he can't order online if he's willing to pay for it. He doesn't even need to leave for work, he just emails everything to Jimmy with an, you owe me, attached to the bottom of each email.
When the golf course accident had gone tits up it had been Robert who bailed them out.
He needed to do this on his own terms.
liii.
"I'm calling Dr Cavanagh, this is getting out of hand," Diane proclaims, Doug flanked to her side. They'd come to see if Robert wanted to work on the vegetable patch, seeing as he'd been enjoying it, but Robert knew it was a rouse to get him out of the house.
Robert shrugs, not looking up from the laptop screen. "Do what ya like."
It's not like Dr Cavanagh could actually do anything apart from prescribing a medication he wouldn't take. Seemed pretty pointless to him, to waste the man's time.
"At least let us take Sebastian out, the little lad needs fresh air," Doug tries to reason.
"No," he says sternly. "Seb's staying with me."
Diane sighs, throwing her hands up in the air. "Fine, come on, Doug, we can call Dr Cavanagh from outside."
"Thanks for visiting," Robert mutters, rolling his eyes.
liv.
Robert this is getting out of hand, your family's worried about ya and so am I. You can't just stop leaving the house, like that'll fix everything wrong in ya life-let them help. (Voice message left at 13:45.)
lv.
He finds the rattle amongst Seb's things, the one he'd given her the day she'd brought him home from the hospital; he buckles to his knees.
He wants to give his son the world - he want's to give him everything.
The last he ever would have wanted was for Seb to grow up without a mum, to not even know what that feels like - he'd gotten only gotten a handful of years with his mother, he can't imagine not even having that.
It just makes him want to protect him more - he has to be a parent for both of them.
He won't let Seb down - he won't let her down either.
lvi.
He decides they need to leave.
The village was just a place - a place filled with broken promises, lies, and a lot of death.
A fresh start had to be better than this. It had to be better than hiding out at the cottage. There just had to be a better way.
San Francisco here they come.
lvii.
Lachlan tackles him to the ground, slams Robert's head into the wooden floorboards, and he can't help but think this is it.
He hears Rebecca come to, hears her scream - he wants to get to her but he can't move, all he can feel are the shattered remains of glass, tearing through the fabric of his shirt. The fireplaces glass protector having shattered during the commotion.
He's dying, he has to be -
"Don't bother to try and speak; it's too late."
He doesn't see the rock coming - it doesn't matter though, he couldn't have stopped it even if he had. He hears another voice and - It goes dark then, all at once.
lviii.
"What are you doing here?" he asks. He's sitting at the kitchen table with a brew, going through his email's when Vic lets Aaron in. He's got the baby monitor sat on the table, listening intently.
"You didn't answer any of my phone calls."
He laughs under his breath, cruel. "Why is that, ya think?" he snaps, bearing his teeth; ready to bite.
"Because you do what you always do - what we always do. Shut each other out."
"You think you have it all worked out, don't you? A couple of months in therapy and your expert; funny that."
"You're not going to scare me away," Aaron says stubbornly, taking the seat beside him.
"I thought I already did," Rob mutters, he doesn't want to do this. He doesn't think his heart can go through this again.
"Rob," Aaron sighs, voice soft. "You have to let me in - let your family in."
He shakes his head-no, he doesn't. "I'm leaving," he blurts out. "Fresh start 'n all, for me and Seb."
Aaron looks upset, it makes Robert's heart ache and he just wants to fall to the floor and cry. "Oh," Aaron says, just above a whisper. "When?"
"As soon as possible. I just need to feel okay again, Aaron," he pleads, willing Aaron to understand.
"And what? You think running away like a coward will do that?" He asks angrily. "I can't believe this - I thought you were better than this."
"Aa-"
"You wanna leave? Good riddance, I've wasted enough time on you."
The door slams shut behind him as he leaves.
"What the hell is wrong with you," Vic huffs, standing in the doorway. "Don't you want to be happy?"
Yeah, that's the million dollar fucking question, isn't it?
lix.
He's only meant to close his eyes for a minute. He's tired, having been packing boxes all day and he just wants a little rest; five minutes top.
He can't help himself though; the past few months of restless sleep finally catching up with him; so he sleeps - sleeps for hours.
::
lx.
He panics, an almost full on panic.
Robert wakes up, feeling more rested than he has in months, he goes to the bathroom, then checks on Seb. Expecting to find the infant in his crib, like always.
Accept he is not. Seb's not in his crib and his whole world crumbles around him.
He calls Vic, paces back and forth and tries to ignore the panic that bubbles in his chest; but she doesn't answer. He just needs to know his boy is okay - he just needs to hold him, that's all he wants.
He stumbles out of the nursery, stubbing his toe against the corner of the door to his bedroom. He doesn't even flinch, too manic to see or think about anything other than Seb. He grabs the nearest jumper and trousers, throwing them on.
He then races down the stairs, nearly tumbling over his feet, only just catching the railing to steady himself.
He tries Vic again, tries Diane and they just don't answer - it increases his panic, what if he's gotten to them all? What if he's lost them all?
He wouldn't be able to take it; he'd well and truly be gone.
He's out the door before he can even think, stuffing his phone into his pocket; he has to find them before they are gone forever.
lxi.
"Aaron," he shouts frantically; the younger lad probably doesn't care, after everything Robert's said and done, why would he care even in the slightest about him and Seb, but he has to ask.
"Just ignore him," Liv says beside him, loud enough for Robert to hear as he strides across the street to meet them. "He's not worth it."
"Have you seen Seb?" he asks, eyes watering; he's digging his fingernails into his palms, wincing as they cut through the skin. "He's gone Aaron, Lachlan's taken him, you have to help me."
They share a look between them; they obviously think he's gone starking mad and maybe he has - maybe he's gone mad. That doesn't take away from that fact that Seb's gone, and Robert has to find him.
"Rob," Aaron says slowly, coming to stand in front of him. "Listen, Vic probably took him for a bit of fresh air."
He shakes his head, his chest aches, God it hurts. "No I've called her, at least five times-and-and-Diane and they're not answering, he's taken them."
"Rob, he can't possibly have, Lachlan's dead. Don't you remember?"
There's blood rushing to his head, and he can't hear. Aaron's just feels so far away - like he's shouting from across the street, but he can see him. Can reach out and touch him if he wanted to.
Lachlan's dead? He doesn't remember.
"I have to go," he suddenly says, more to himself than to them. He turns and leaves, ignoring them shouting his name in the background.
lxii.
"Mum he's not right," Aaron says sadly from behind him, as he frantically checks the kitchen for Vic, calling her name out over and over hoping that she'll answer; she doesn't.
"I don't see how that's my problem," she huffs. "I've already told ya, Robert, she's not here, it's her day off." She tells him, irritated.
He turns, spinning on his heels to face Aaron. "See, he's taken him." Robert turns to leave then, but Aaron stops him, and suddenly his hands are on Robert's face, steadying him - almost.
"Robert, listen to me," he says calmly. "We'll find them, but you have to breathe."
How could he? How could he breathe when he felt like he was drowning? When he felt something weighing him down, stopping him from reaching the surface - he feels - he feels so much, he's drowning in it and he doesn't know how how to make it just stop.
"We'll find them?" he whispers, he sounds so little, he feels so small - a little fish in a vast ocean.
Aaron nods, his hands still on Robert's face. "Trust me, yeah? Everything's going to be okay."
Chas pipes in then, says she'll give Vic another ring, see if she can get his sister on the phone. Robert nods numbly as he's being lead into the back, and sat down on one of the kitchen chairs.
"Is he alright?" he hears Liv ask. He hadn't even noticed she'd come through to the back.
"No," Aaron answers, and at least he's telling her the truth. "But he will be," Aaron promises.
Robert's not so sure about that, he's not so sure he'll ever be okay again - he'd seen too much, been through too much, maybe this was always supposed to happen, maybe he'd been breaking this whole time, and shattering into pieces was an inevitable ending to his story.
He's sitting there, watching everyone bustle around him; when -
He sees her through the window, Vic walking towards the pub, pushing a pram.
"Seb," he shouts, startling everyone in the room. He makes a mad dash for it, out of the backroom before Aaron can catch him - Seb's there, right in his reach and he can't stand it any longer, he needs to be with him.
lxiii.
Of course he doesn't see the car coming-
lxiv.
"You have to wake up Rob, you just have to-I-I have so many things I want to say and you have to give me that chance. Do you remember what you said me? The night we got married? You said I'd come home to you and we'd never look back, remember that? Well, I'm saying that to ya now, come back to me Rob, and we'll never look back, okay?"
lxv.
He comes to, to bright lights and a lot of white, a steady beeping rhythm in the background - he feels like hell. He aches, the sort of ache he should be used to - and there's that smell - it smells like medicine.
"Robert?" a voice questions - a voice so familiar, Robert would recognise the holder anywhere; Aaron. He doesn't understand why the younger lad is here, but Robert's happy that he is.
"What happened?" he mumbles out, shifting against the harsh material of the hospital bed sheets.
He realizes then that Aaron's sitting at his bedside, looking dishevelled and sleep-deprived - had he been here all night?
"You were ran over by Jimmy, but in his defence, you ran out into the middle of the road, he wouldn't have seen ya coming."
He remembers then; running out of the pub; he remembers sprinting past the pub benches and onto the road and - it all went black then, just like before.
"Seb?" Robert asks, and feels himself, beginning to panic-
"He's fine," Aaron assures. "Vic's with him and she's fine too - she feels awful, she'd taken Seb to Hotten with her to run errands and her phone died."
He let out the breath he had been holding - letting his chest finally feel like it wasn't going to break.
"I'll have a word with her," he promises. He wouldn't let her take the blame for this - he should have asked for help, he knows that now.
"Are you alright?" Aaron asks. He's rubbing his eyes with the palms of his hands and Robert smiles, he always loved sleepy Aaron the best.
"No," he answers truthfully. "Aaron? Why are you here?" He asks because he can't not.
"Because I love you. I always will and I can't live with what if's anymore, they're doing my head in. You're it for me, and I can't spend the rest of my life with someone else, wondering what would have happened if we'd given it another shot."
"What if we don't make it?" he says doubtfully, what if he messes up again.
"Then we don't," Aaron says softly, taking a hold of Robert's hand, careful not to displace his IV. "But at least it's not because we didn't try."
His chin quivers. "I love you, too, you know. I've just been so afraid of hurting you - I thought it was safer to just let you go - and now, I'm so messed up Aaron."
Aaron smiles. "Messed up forever, right?" he asks, echoing the words Robert himself said, after almost losing Aaron. "We'll get you help okay? You're not alone, never."
He feels himself well up at the weight of Aaron's words - because he feels it-
"You're awake," Vic blurts out, walking into the room; Seb in her arms. "They said you'd be asleep for a while longer- Diane and Doug are at the cafeteria having a tea."
No, he most definitely wasn't alone.
lxvi.
"Robert?" Vic whispers and Robert forces his eyes open, groans in pain- "Don't move," she tells him, and perhaps that's a good idea, even blinking hurts right now.
"What happened?" he asks, it's hazy, he remembers Lachlan - he remembers her screams, but he'd blacked out then, just remembers one voice - or maybe he had dreamed it.
Vic looks hesitant, but Robert urges her to talk - he want's to know - he needs to. "Well," she starts, "Chrissie-she-she saved ya. I don't know where she got it from but - she had a gun and she-"
"Put him down," Robert finishes for her. He'd always known Chrissie was strong, right from the start - from the first day he'd meet her, he's thankful for it in that moment, that she had the strength to do the unforgivable.
She nods. "She's with the police now," she grabs hold of his knee then, "- but Rebecca, she's on life support, Rob, and it doesn't look good. When he pushed her, he knocked her head pretty bad - I didn't really understand the jargon to it but the doctor said something about a brain bleed."
He nods numbly, Rebecca's last words echoing in his head you're his father.
"And Seb?" almost afraid of the answer.
"He's fine, snuggled up in one of the nursery cots, they gave him the all clear."
It's a relief, Seb's okay, his son's okay. Whatever happens next; he can at least hold onto that.
::
i. (1 month later.)
Robert's busy packing his things when Aaron show's up, sunglasses topped on his head; it's a beautiful day- it almost feels meant to be, for him to leave this place on a day like this.
He'd had a walk through the garden earlier in the morning, felt the sunshine heat his face; it's unusually early for such a nice day, but Robert's not complaining.
"You ready to go home?" Aaron asks, leaning against the door frame.
Robert actually thinks he is; when he'd first arrived, he'd hated it - he was never going to be the sort of person that enjoyed opening up, even if it was to a virtual stranger with a psychology degree.
The first week there, in rehab, had been hell - it had been his choice, but he had still to be forced to share kicking and screaming because a decade of bottling up his emotions wasn't going to get solved in an afternoon of group therapy.
But he'd done the work - and was willing to do the work he still had to do, and continue to do it.
Because it was worth it, to be standing here; feeling better than he had in years. It was worth it to be picked up by his boyfriend and to get to go home, to his son, to his family. There was nothing in this world Robert wasn't willing to do for them.
He nods, zipping up his duffle bag and sliding it over his shoulder.
"Yeah, I am. Let's get out of here."
Aaron beams and it's like the sun, feels like a perpetual sunlight sun shining down on him.
He's ready to go home.