Talk

by LadyBeaumont

Summary:

Despite her job, CJ didn't always find it easy to talk. Three conversations with Danny, the time she couldn't talk, the time she wouldn't talk and the time they both talked.

Set around the middle of season seven and through to the end. Smut in the second chapter.

Notes:

This chapter is set around episode 7.13ish. A few weeks after Internal Displacement but before the election.

Chapter 1: I Can't

When someone knocked on Danny’s door at 11pm he had no idea who it was going to be. If he had known, he probably would have at least thrown a robe over the tatty, checked pyjamas he was wearing. He definitely hadn’t expected it would be CJ Cregg stood on the other side of the door flanked by two special agents.

“Can I come in?”
Last time he’d seen her she’d been running out the restaurant to deal with, what he now knew was, a nuclear disaster. They’d spoken briefly on the phone since, but he’d agreed to keep his distance until after the inauguration, she needed to focus on these last few weeks of the Bartlet administration. She was the last person he expected to show up on his doorstep in the middle of the night but he was thrilled she had.

“Yeah, of course.”
One of the agents stepped forward asking to look around the apartment first. He let him in and waited. As she looked him up and down he suddenly realised what he was wearing.
“Sorry I woke you. I—”
He cut her off, not wanting her to worry anymore than she clearly was. “It’s fine, you didn’t.”
“It’s late.”
“It’s fine.”
The agent returned, thanked Danny and left the apartment, allowing CJ to come in.

“So what’s the special occasion? I didn’t know you made home visits.” He closed the front door behind them and got out of her way. “You can hang your coat there, unless this a flying visit?”
She hesitated briefly but then took her coat off and hung it next to his on the rack.
“It’s erm—” Honestly she didn’t know what this was.
“Do you want a drink?” Danny asked as he wandered down the corridor into the kitchen. CJ followed him, stopping short in the doorway.
“I’m fine.”
“Glass of wine?” he offered.
“No, thank you.”
She looked awkward and unsure of where to put herself.
“Come. Sit down. Coffee?” He gestured through to the connecting lounge and she made one step forward but didn’t go any further.
“It’s late,” she said, referring to the caffeine, but Danny wasn’t entirely sure if she was actually still talking about her arrival. He opened the fridge, pulled out a cold bottle of beer for himself and placed it on the counter.
“Yeah, you’re right. Beer? Water?” He left the fridge door open while he waited for her response.
She reached up to her neck and fiddled with her necklace. “I’m fine Danny, really.”
Shutting the door, he started rummaging in the drawers looking for his bottle opener. “I’m gonna have a beer. Have you eaten?”
“No, I’m fine.” She was still playing with her chain.
“I can fix you something. A sandwich? Soup?” He still couldn’t find the bottle opener.
“I’m fine.”
He continued, “Chips and salsa? I think I’ve got a pizza in the freezer if you’re really hungry.”
“Danny,” she snapped. She was sharp with him. She didn’t mean to be but his fussing was getting to her. He frowned at her more out of concern than upset but she panicked.
“I’m sorry, I don’t know why I came here, this is so stupid, I shouldn’t be here.” She paused momentarily, looked at his confused face and made a decision, “Yeah, I’m gonna go. I’m sorry.”

“CJ!” he called after her as she turned and hurried back down the hallway, collecting her belongings as she went. “CJ, wait! You don’t have to go.”
“No, I do Danny. I don’t know why I came here. This was stupid. I just didn’t—” She didn’t want to finish that sentence.
“You don’t have to go. Talk to me. What’s going on? I was worried about you today. You didn’t seem yourself.” Danny had texted her earlier, something seemed off in the few replies he had gotten.
“It’s been a rough day.”
“Wanna talk about?”
She shook her head sadly, “I can’t, it’s classified.”
“Wanna talk about something else?”
“I have to be up early tomorrow.” She continued to make excuses. He didn’t want to push her but something was up and he didn’t want her going home to an empty apartment if she was upset.
“You’re here now. Why don’t you stay a while?”
She took a minute to consider it. Danny honestly couldn’t tell if she’d stay.
“Okay,” she finally said. He smiled at her. “I mean I’ve already woken you up, I should stay a while right?”
Danny laughed, “You didn’t wake me up. If you really want to know,” he cringed as he told her, “there was an incident with a stick blender while I was making dinner and I’ve been in my pyjamas since 7:00.”
“You own a stick blender?” She was incredulous and Danny immediately leapt to his own defence.
“Hey, I make a mean spicy bean soup, best in the district.”
She was still laughing. “I just never had you down as the type of guy who makes soup.”
He was glad to see her laugh even if it was at him. “I’m full of surprises. There loads left in refrigerator if you want some.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“Sure?” He knew he was on the edge of pushing too far so gave her a cheeky smile, “It’s delicious.”
“I’m sure. I’ll have a beer though, if it’s still going?”
“Of course.”

He returned to the kitchen and she followed. She still looked awkward but at least she’d made it past the doorway this time. He opened the fridge and pulled out another beer. He lined it up on the counter next to his and returned to the drawer he’d been searching through earlier. “So how are you doing? Really?”
She sighed and fiddled with the pile of takeout menus on his counter. “I haven’t slept.”
He glanced up at her briefly before continuing to rummage. “Well that’s not good.” He looked puzzled, closed the drawer and set about searching through a pot of utensils on the counter next to her. She stepped back and let him look.
“No, it’s not. I’m living off coffee. I think the caffeine’s making me loopy,” Danny, finally locating the bottle opener, let out a little cry of success and pulled the caps off the beers. “I feel like my heart’s pounding out of my chest.”
He handed her one of the bottles and took a swig from the other. “It’s a good job you turned down my coffee then, maybe the beer will balance you out.”
CJ looked down, her face crumpling for a brief second before she seemed to pull herself back.
“Yeah maybe.” She was trying to match his jokey tone but it just seemed force.
Danny cocked his head to the side, “You okay?”
“Yeah,” she said with a smile that never quite reached her eyes.
Danny wasn’t convinced, “You sure?”
“Yeah.” She clenched her jaw as she started to tear up. “I’m fine.” She laughed sadly and wiped her eyes before any tears could escape. I’m--” she breathed deep, unable to talk and stay in control at the same time.
“Hey. Hey.” Danny reached out towards her and she took a step back, shaking her head. “What’s wrong? Come here.” He pulled her into a bear hug and she weakly protested once again that she was fine, before pressing her face into his shoulder and clinging on to him. He held her while she cried; reassured her she’d be okay. Then as quickly as she’d started she stopped.

She pulled back and wiped away the last of the tears. Danny handed her a piece of kitchen roll which she gladly accepted. She cringed at the damp patch on his shirt.
“Sorry.”
He didn’t care, he just worried about her. “You okay?”
“I’m just overtired.” She was trying to brush it off as nothing but Danny had never seen her like this. He knew what she was like when she was overtired, he'd seen it many times before.
“Sure?”
“I told you the coffee was making me loopy.” To Danny’s relief she laughed more genuinely this time. Her red eyes now the only sign of the last two minutes. It was impressive how quickly she’d composed herself.
“CJ, you know you can talk to me about anything right? Maybe not national secrets…”
“I’d have to kill you.” she joked.
“Yeah I’d rather not die just yet. But anything else, I mean it. I’m a good listener if you just want to talk.”
CJ knew he meant it. “Thank you. It’s been a tough day. I’m tired.”
“Of course. Do you want to stay here? You don’t have to go home, if you don’t want to.” He got the impression that might have been why she’d come here. She didn’t want to go home.
“Can we just watch TV or something?”
“Sure.” She was staying for now.

They walked through to his lounge and settled down on the sofa. He pressed the power button and the TV blinked into life. It was on CNN. “Is this okay?”
“Yeah.” They sat in silence, side by side, watching the news. None of it was news to them, but the silence was comfortable.
“Former White House Head of Communication, Toby Ziegler, was sentenced today—” Footage of Toby leaving court flashed across the screen. Danny glanced over at CJ to see her look away. He had wondered if this was what had been getting to her. He was sure there really was other stuff going on at work, things she couldn’t talk about. Things that caused her to stay late and feel stressed, but he knew she’d take them in her stride. Toby however, he didn’t know how she was coping with that, she never mentioned him. While the investigation and trial had been going on she’d be unable to talk about it but he felt she probably wouldn’t have discussed it with him regardless because of that little part of her that never got past him being a reporter. But it wasn’t just the leak, CJ never mentioned him at all.

They’d agreed no dates until after the inauguration but there had been the occasional text messages, always instigated by Danny of course. A quick hello, a line or two about something he thought would amuse her. Her replies always came hours, sometimes days later, starting with an apology but a reply nevertheless. If he caught her at the right moment they’d text back and forth. Sometimes conversations turned to the old days, life on the campaign trial, her first few months in the White House, fighting for respect among the press corp. Those conversations seemed to be more common as she approached the end of her time as Chief of Staff. Toby was never mentioned.

“Can we change channel?”
Danny picked up the remote and started flicking through, “What do you want?”
“I don’t know just not—”
“Comedy?”
“Yeah.” He settled on an episode of Malcolm in the Middle. He doubted she’d ever seen it before but it was lighthearted and that seemed to be what she needed now. He put the remote back down between them and gently stroked the side of her hand with the back of his finger. He half expected her hand to move away but instead she took his and held it. She carried on staring ahead at the TV, pretending to watch but he could see her thoughts were going a mile a minute.

“He—” She started abruptly, seeming out of nowhere, then sighed, unsure of what she wanted to say. Maybe she shouldn’t be saying anything but with it all whirring around her head something needed to come out. “I want to kill him.”
“Toby?”
“I could kill him.” She was surprisingly calm with her statement, he knew she meant it. She wouldn't, not literally, but she could, she was angry enough.
“He’ll rest easy knowing he’s got the state keeping him safe from you for the next five years then.” She glared at him and he quickly realised the joke was a step too far. “Sorry too soon.” He didn’t say anything else, just gave her the space to start talking again. She was still holding his hand. He took it as a good sign.

“The night he—I hadn’t slept then either. I was hopped up on coffee and he came to see me right at the end of the day. I—I told him we should open the bottle of champagne he got me for my birthday because it might balance out the caffeine.”
Danny suddenly realised her reaction earlier, “The beer.”
“Yeah.” He wondered if she was going to cry again.
“I think you need to switch to decaf.” CJ laughed and shook her head at him. Trust Danny to keep the jokes going.

“I’d made a joke about it being a final toast before they led me out the White House in cuffs. I was the main focus of the investigation at that point. I’d spent all day waiting to be subpoenaed. He told me he’d gotten a lawyer and that’s when I knew. He hadn’t said but I knew and I just hoped I was wrong and then he said it and I was—” CJ let go of his hand, closed her eyes and rubbed at the bridge of her nose. The tenison was visible in her jaw. She pulled her hand away from her face quickly and her eyes opened. “I’m so mad at him.” Her voice wavered between hot rage and exhaustion.
"I know," Danny whispered. He reached over and put his arm around her. She leaned into him and rested her head against his chest, her arm slung across his middle. He started to gently stroke up and down the arm. He hoped it was comforting.
"I just don’t understand why." The fight that had been in her voice was now gone. He squeezed her bicep and struggled to think of the right words to say.
"He thought he was doing the right thing," he offered.
"He left us, Danny. He left me." And there it was, the thing that upset her the most about the whole Toby situation, the betrayal. One by one they’d left, first Sam, then Leo, then Josh. Toby, she thought, would be there with her until the end. He was the one who brought her in, he’d be the one who left with her. But he was gone. He’d gone against them, gone against the President, gone against the team, gone against her. It felt personal and that’s what hurt the most.

Danny felt at a loss for the right thing to say. She was right, he’d leaked information and betrayed them but Danny could see why he’d done it. He’d been just as shocked as everyone else when the news hit, never in a million years would he have questioned Toby Ziegler’s loyalty to President Bartlet, and yet he’d gone ahead and leaked classified information. He’d undermined Bartlet and forced his hand. He’d saved lives, but now Danny could also see the pain and destruction he’d left behind in doing so.

“CJ I don’t know if it was right but I don’t think he did it to hurt you. I guess he thought it was the only way to save them.” He treaded carefully, still morally unsure himself, but not wanting to seem to side with Toby, especially not while she was clearly still angry and raw.
She shook her head slightly against his chest and didn’t say any more so he just wrapped his arms round her tighter and let her think.

Minutes passed in silence, the two of them staring at the screen, while he waited to see if she’d say anything else. But she didn’t speak, instead she let out a gentle laugh at the TV.
“What’s this show called?”
“Malcolm in the Middle.”
“It’s funny,” she stated. Apparently that was the end of the Toby conversation. The moment had passed.
“Yeah I like it,” Danny agreed.
“Not long to go until I can start watching TV again. You’ll have to tell me what’s good.”
“I’m sure I can come up with a few suggestions.”

As the episode was starting to draw to a close CJ let out a big yawn. The hand she’d raised to her mouth dropped back down lazily onto his chest. “I’m tired,” she said.
“Do you want to stay?” he asked in response. She looked up at him and nodded her head. “Do we need to tell the men in black you’re staying?”
She pushed off him, sitting up fully and rubbed at her eyes. “Yeah. My driver will be waiting.” She scrunched her eyes closed for a second then did a few big blinks, trying to wake herself up slightly. Danny reached over and brushed a piece of hair off her face. He got it on the first swipe but she followed him and brushed her hands across her face as well.
“I’ll sort it. You go and use the bathroom. There’s a new toothbrush in the cabinet, have a rummage, help yourself to anything you need. I’ll go and talk to them and find you something to sleep in. Okay?” She rubbed at her eyes again and nodded.

Danny was still rifling through his chest of drawers when CJ walked into his bedroom. She’d taken off her shoes and jacket while she was in the bathroom and washed her face. She’d taken her contacts out and put on glasses she must have had in her bag. He hadn’t seen her wearing them for a long time.

“How about this?” He held up a faded grey Fighting Irish t shirt. CJ laughed in spite of herself.
“I’m sure the President would approve,” she smirked.
Danny grinned and went back to rummaging. “He’s a man of great taste. Do you want shorts or sweatpants? I think these would fit but they might be a bit short.” He held up a navy pair of sweatpants followed by a black pair of shorts.
“I’ll wear the shorts.” Both had drawstring waists but he was probably right about the length of the pants. She preferred her legs free while she slept anyway.
“Do you need anything else?” She shook her head, “In that case, I’ll be on the couch, sleep well. Shout if you need anything.” He stood up, pushing the drawer closed as he went and handed her the clothes.
She felt bad. “Danny you don’t have to sleep on the couch.”
“It’s fine, it pulls out.”
“But it’s your bed.”
“I’m not letting you sleep on the couch.” He insisted. He was brought up better than that. She was a guest.
“I don’t mind. I slept on the couch in my office the other day.”
“Exactly why you’re taking the bed.”
“I’m not kicking you out of your own bed.”
“And I’m not letting you sleep on my couch.”
“Well then, it seems we have reached an impasse.”
“Sure looks that way...I mean,” she looked from the bed to him, “it’s a big bed, we could always share.”
He raised an eyebrow at her, “You sure?”
“Yeah.” She turned to the bed as if to get in. “Which side do you sleep on?”
“The middle,” he answered with a mischievous grin. She rolled her eyes.
“I regret saying you could stay here.”
“Well then I’ll be—” He made to leave and she slapped him playfully on the arm.
“Just pick a side idiot.”
“Left.”
“Okay. I’m just gonna go and get changed.” She waved the clothes Danny had lent her in the air and padded off back to the bathroom.

Danny was already in bed when she returned. The main light was off and the room was just lit by the glow of the bedside lamp. Danny picked up his alarm clock as she climbed in next to him.
“What time do you need to be in tomorrow?” Technically it was already tomorrow but she knew what he meant.
“Six thirty," she said with a grimace.
“Ouch.”
“Yeah, there’s a lot—” she sighed, “I can’t talk about it. I’m sorry.”
It didn’t bother him but he knew it was bothering her that she had to hold back so much. It was the personal stuff he wished she open up more about.
“That’s fine. What time do you want the alarm?”
“I need to go home and get changed," she started thinking out loud, "or I could use the gym shower and wear whatever’s at the office.”
“You would get to sleep longer then. I mean you’re welcome to shower here if you wanted.”
She considered it briefly but quickly realised she didn’t have a clean set of clothes.
“You don’t fancy rocking up in my sweatpants?”
“With my ankles blowing about in the breeze?”
Danny pulled a face of mock horror, “I’m not that much shorter!” She let out a huff of amusement.
“Nah it’s fine. I’ll go straight in and shower there.” She took her glasses off, setting them on the bedside table and shuffled down further into the bed until she was lying down. “I’m sure Margaret will complain but she’ll just have to deal.”
“She’s got you on a short leash?” he asked. CJ had always gotten on well with her assistants but he always wondered how she got on with Margaret’s quirks. She was definitely different from Carol.
“She’s not so keen on my ability to forget I’ve worn my office clothes and not brought in a clean set.”
“So are you really sure you want to be passing on the sweats?”
“Yeah, I brought in a clean set a few days ago”
Another yawn from CJ reminded him how tired she was and how soon she would have to get up. They were wasting time. “So, what time we going for then?” He jangled the alarm clock for emphasis.
“Oh right…” She turned on to her side and looked up at him sat next to her, “ermm... 5:30?”
Danny nodded and set about setting the clock. “I’m telling you now, I’ll be going back to bed as soon as you leave.”
“I don’t blame you.”
He set the clock down and reach further to the lamp.“Light off?” he looked over his shoulder for her reply.
“Yeah.” He flicked the switch and settled down next to her.
“I’m glad you came here,” he whispered into the darkness.
“Me too,” she whispered back.

Chapter 2: I Don't Want To

Notes:

Set between 7.17 - Election Day, Part II and 7.18 - Requiem. Spoilers, obviously.
If you're not into smut you might want to skip this chapter or just skim past the stuff in the middle.

When he heard the knock he knew it would be her. He hadn’t known for sure if she would turn up again in the middle of the night but the thought had crossed his mind. Leo had died yesterday. He’d sent her an email with his condolences and let her know he was here to talk if she needed him. She’d sent a brief reply thanking him.  

She hadn’t planned to turn up here but it had gotten late and she’d had enough of the weird atmosphere in the office, a heady mix of grief and transition. They all knew their time in the West Wing was limited but the announcement of the President Elect seemed to have driven home the finality of it all.

In the quiet of her office, thoughts had turned to the previous day, the call from Josh, the never ending blur of walking into the Oval Office to tell him. She briefly wondered if anyone had told Toby or if he’d heard it from the news. The thought made her feel sick, so she chose instead to push it back down and kid herself that Donna did.

She was exhausted, physically, mentally. She’d left work sometime in the early hours of the morning. There had still been work to do once the winner had finally been announced but she eventually stumbled home and straight into bed for a few hours, before stumbling back out again and back to work. She could have come in later but she’d slept badly the few hours she did get and she didn’t see the point in staring at the ceiling much longer. She regretted that now.

She’d sent Margaret home hours ago with the promise, which she’d now broken, that she wouldn’t stay much longer. She knew she was dragging her feet. She had wanted to go home a while ago but something in the back of her mind was stopping her so she’d stayed, stayed until she could no longer bear it. She made it just outside the door of her office before doubling back and picking up her go bag and rushed out again before she could change her mind.

“How you doing?” he asked, ignoring the secret service still by her side while another searched his apartment.

She shrugged with a wobbly smile. He could see she was barely holding it together.

She’d promised herself she wouldn’t cry, she couldn’t make a habit of turning up on his doorstep unannounced and crying, and yet here she was, unsure she’d be able to stop the tears that were currently threatening to run down her face. Would twice make it a habit?

He left it until the agent had returned and she was safely behind closed doors before asking her again. She was grateful for that.

 “How you doing?”

She answered with an honesty that surprised even herself, “I don’t know.” All day people had asked how she was doing. She was okay, she’d say, she was coping. None of it was true. On the outside maybe, but inside she didn’t know where to begin, it had all happened so fast.

 “That’s okay. It’s a lot to process.” A tear finally broke free and rolled down her face. She laughed pathetically and wiped it away.

“I told myself I wouldn’t cry.”

“You’re allowed to cry CJ.” He held out his arms and she walked into them, wrapping her own arms around his neck. Her chin rested heavily on his shoulder. She sighed.

“I’m done. I don’t want to cry anymore. I don’t want to talk about it.” She pulled back from him but he kept his arms round her waist. “I don’t want to talk.” She leant back into him and rested the side of her head against his.

“You don’t have to,” he whispered and punctuated with a kiss on her cheek. It was instinctive but perhaps too soon for a couple who weren’t even dating, not yet anyway. She’d been clear on that but it felt right and she didn’t seem to mind. “What do you want to do?” She pulled back again and looked him dead in the eye. She considered him for a moment.

“Kiss me,” she said, a small smile toying at her lips.

“I can do that,” he told her with a smile but he didn’t move. He waited for her to make the move. She did, slowly, her nose grazing against his, their lips hovering millimeters apart. She nuzzled against him again, lips still not quite touching. He’d only have to move the slightest bit for them to connect but he stayed still, reveling in the anticipation. Their lips finally pressed together for a gentle peck. For a split second he thought that would be it, then she was back again, gentle but insistent. Her arms wrapped back round his neck and tangled her fingers in his hair.

“It’s been a while since we did that,” he said with a chuckle when they eventually broke apart. 

CJ thought back to the last time they’d kissed. He’d been dressed as Santa, not that she knew it was him until he had kissed her right there at the podium in front of the entire press corps. She’d gotten mad about that after the fact. At the time she was swept up in it all. She thought of their other kisses, the time she dragged him into a supply cupboard, kissed him soundly, then stumbled back out pretending nothing had happened. The time they’d nearly gotten caught kissing in the press corp office. Everyone had apparently gone home but Katie Witt had walked back in seconds after they’d stopped. She’d given herself a stern talking to after that, promised herself that was it. It wasn’t. She kissed him again a week later in her office, this time safely behind a closed door. They’d been young, foolish, in love, not that she would allow herself to think that, even now all these years later. They’d stopped for good after he’d turned down the editor’s job. That had hurt more than she’d ever let on.

She thought about Leo and the times he had warned her off Danny. He was never as vocal as Toby, he didn’t need to be, the disproving looks were enough. It didn’t really matter now, time was running out. She thought about Leo and she thought about how life was too short.

“Yeah”. She stepped back until he let go of her and took hold of both his hands. Walking backwards she pulled him towards his bedroom. She could see the moment he worked out where she was taking him, he hesitated, but she kept walking and he followed. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to, he just wanted to be sure he wasn’t taking advantage of her emotional state.  

Once inside his bedroom she stopped and continued pulling him towards her until once again he was pressed up against her with his arms around her waist. She drew her own arms around his waist and as she kissed him she toyed with the hem of his sweater, her fingertips occasionally grazing over the exposed skin of his back. She pressed her hips up against his, she was making it clear what she wanted. The sweater came off not long after.

She kicked off her shoes and dropped down an inch. She wasn’t really that much taller than him but it made a difference. They took their time undressing each other. Breaking kisses only when  items got difficult to remove. She led him over to the bed once he’d removed her bra and she was left only in her underwear. She lay back, he straddled her, arms either side of her head. Their eyes met and held each other’s gaze. There was a tenderness in her eyes that made him forget the world. She reached up to his face. Her nails scraped gently along his beard as she pulled him back into another kiss.

Danny dropped his head down to pepper kisses along her jaw, down her neck, shoulders, chest. She thought he’d stop but he kept going, along her ribs, down her stomach, a playful nip at her hip, it tickled. He hooked his fingers into the sides of her underwear and looked up at her. She’d been watching him. He raised his eyebrows, silently asking for permission, which she gave, and took them off.

Then his mouth was on her thighs. Her hips bucked as he moved. He held onto her firmer. The room silent except for the hitches in her breath when he did something right. He lived for those sounds. CJ reached down to his hands, taking them from her thighs and interlacing his fingers with her own.

She was close. He could tell. He could feel it in her muscles, feel it in the way her grip tightened, hear it in the way her breathing had quickened. He glanced up at her, biting her lip, eyes scrunched closed. He wondered if she was always this quiet. Without warning, she suddenly let go of his hands, squirmed away, tugged him up to her face.

They kissed. She pushed at his shoulder. He got the message and let her flip them over. She took control, straddled him, pulled him up into a seated position. Their bodies pressed together tightly.  Her arms wrapped around his neck, rested her forehead against his and began to rock.

He held back the urge to moan, if he did that he’d miss it, the way her breath hitched with each thrust, the tiny moans and pants that occasional spilled out, the squeak of the mattress. She tugged at his hair slightly.

“CJ,” he gasped. She nodded and pulled him back into a kiss, sped her thrusts up and kept going even after he came. It took him a moment to recover before he could reach down between them and help her along. She closed her eyes. “Look at me,” he whispered. Sadness, lust, trust, it was all there in her eyes, it overwhelmed him, he didn’t care, he just knew he loved her. Her breathing got more erratic, finger tips dug into his shoulders, she buried her face into the side of his neck.

They held onto each other afterwards. She clung to him like he might be taken from her at any moment.

The next morning CJ awoke feeling rested. Exhausted still, but rested. Sunlight poured in under the curtains, she felt warm and safe. She looked over at Danny. He was awake. “Hi,” he whispered, not wanting to break the stillness in the room.

“Hi,” she replied. He grinned at her and she smiled back like a bashful teenager. Behind his head the clock caught her eye and she squinted, even without her glasses she knew it wasn’t good. “Shit!”

“What?”

“Shit.” CJ leapt out of bed and frantically started collecting her clothes which were still scattered round the room. “Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.”

“You late?” He sat up and combed his fingers through his hair. He watched as just rushed about, the stillness of moments ago a distant memory.

“Shit.”

“What time are--”

“Ow! Fuck! Ow!” Danny cringed as she tripped on the end of the bed, stubbing her toe. She was now naked, bent double, clinging to her foot, breathing deeply through the pain. He laughed quietly, the whole situation endlessly comically but he felt bad.

“Sit down,” he said as got up and threw on his bathrobe.

“I can’t. I’m late,” she spat out through gritted teeth, still breathing through the pain.

“CJ just sit down a second.”

She flopped down on the end of the bed with a huff. Seeing him in a robe made her suddenly aware of just how naked she was and she pulled a blanket from the bed around herself.

“What time were you supposed to be in?”

“I’ve got a meeting at eight, I should be there already.” She hissed and continued to squeeze her foot tight.

“It’s only 7:30. You can make the meeting.” Danny started collecting up the rest of her clothing, least she damage herself any further.

“I’m supposed to be there already. You’re half an hour away.”

“It’s an even twenty if your driver puts his foot down. Have you broken it?”

The pain had subsided enough for her to let go of her foot and inspect it. It was red but she guessed she’d be fine. “In the morning traffic? No, just bruised I think. 

“Here, throw these back on and tell him to put his foot down.” He passed over her dirty clothes.

“I brought clean ones.”

“Go shower and get dressed. I’ll get your stuff together.”

She was already up and in the bathroom, still wrapped in the blanket, before he’d finished his sentence.

“There’s towels on the shelf,” he bellowed at her through the closed door.

She was out again five minutes later, frantic looking, slightly damp and disheveled, but clean and dressed. She’d do her makeup in the car.

“Here.” He’d put her clothes from last night in a bag, found her shoes and fetched her coat. He helped her into it while she slipped her feet into the shoes. She winced as she put her foot in the left one. “Are sure it’s okay?”

“It has to be.”

“Just look after yourself okay?” He wasn’t just talking about her foot. She nodded but Danny knew she would power on regardless of whether her foot was okay, regardless of whether she was okay. “Go on, go.” He pushed her gently out into the corridor. She stopped and turned to him just before the front door. 

“I’ll—” She stopped talking and stared at him. She didn’t know what she was going to do. This, whatever it was, hadn’t been part of the plan. They weren’t even supposed to be seeing each other but this was the second time she’d seen him since she’d instated that rule. Now they’d slept together it complicated things even further. Not that she minded exactly, she’d definitely enjoyed herself, but it was complicated. There were all these different feelings and no time to unpack them, especially not while she was busy packing up her life as she knew it. The only thing she knew for sure is that there definitely wasn’t time this morning. She didn’t need to think about it. It was fun, it was casual, it was no big deal, she told herself. She needed to forget about it and get to work. She didn’t need to be worrying about what Danny was thinking, what he’d expect from her in terms of them as a concept now that they’d taken things up a level. Now was not the time.

He could tell she was spiraling. “Go,” he told her, the single word pulling her out of her crisis. 

In lieu of something to say she leant over, kissed him and raced out the door.

Chapter 3: Can We?

Notes:

Post series: The day after the inauguration.

The morning after the inauguration she’d been tired, it came as no surprise, she’d been working flat out for weeks. Getting handover documents from everyone had been like pulling teeth and even when she found herself at a loose end workwise she tired herself out with the stress of her future. The headache she’d woken up with she put down to the bottle of champagne she’d shared with Danny the night before, but as the day wore on her hangover only seemed to get worse.

They’d had an easy morning, slept in as much a person used to waking up at the crack of dawn could sleep in. Danny made her breakfast, insisting, just for today, she took it easy and relaxed. The headache helped, acting as her validation for sitting down and watching a movie on a Sunday morning, traditionally a day she’d used for the last 8 years to sort out her home life. By the time they’d finished lunch the guilt of not doing anything had gotten too much and she somehow convinced him into helping her declutter her closet.

Twenty minutes in she had regrets, Danny was weirdly enjoying the task more than she’d ever had imagined, sorting her clothes into categories then handing them off for her to decide if she wanted to keep or donate them. She cursed herself for starting such a gargantuan task that she now couldn’t back out of. The clothes just kept coming, she was sure there hadn’t been this many when they were in the closet but Danny kept appearing with more and more. Her head was pounding, she’d had enough. CJ sighed, collapsing back onto the piles on clothing littering her bed, her arm flung over her eyes for dramatics but also because the light really wasn’t helping.

“I’m too old for this. I feel awful,” she called out.

Danny, not quite hearing her, poked his head out of the closet, “Huh?”

“Drinking. I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck.” She lifted her arm and looked over at him, hands full of hangers of ball gowns he’d pulled out for her to sort through. “How are you so chipper, why aren’t you hungover too?”

“We didn’t have that much.” He frowned with concern, she didn’t look great. “Are you really not feeling good?”

She shook her head, “My head’s killing.”

“Do you want to stop?”

She put her arm back over her eyes and sighed, “yeah.”

Danny returned into the closet, putting the gowns back where he got them from. “Do you still want to go to dinner?”

“Yeah.”

“Sure?” he asked shoving some clothes aside and perching on the edge of the bed next to her. He reached out, stroking her hair.

“Mmm.” She was agreeing but looking at her Danny could see going out wasn’t the best idea.

“Why don’t you have a nap? See how you feel?”

“Yeah,” she sighed again. “That feels nice.”

“Yeah?” She made a content noise of agreement and he continued. He brushed back her hair from her forehead, his hand pausing as he felt the heat radiating off her. “CJ you’re burning up.” He pressed his hand to her head more firmly. “I don’t think this is a hangover.”

“It’s just a headache,” she protested.

“You’ve been sneezing.”

“That was the dust from the clothes.”

He didn’t believe her. “Do you feel hot?”

“No, I’m cold.”

Boiling face, feeling cold, she’d definitely got a fever. Danny started lifting piles of clothes off the bed and dumping them on the floor, they could sort them out later.

“Scoot over,” he instructed. CJ rolled to the side he’d cleared and he continued to clear the rest of the bed.

“When did you last have a Tylenol?”

“A few hours ago. Can you stroke my hair again?” She asked when he was done clearing. He silently climbed on the bed and sat beside her, stroking her hair, waiting for her to fall asleep.

“I’m sorry,” she said quietly.

“Why are you sorry?”

“I’m ruining it.”

“What?”

“Tonight. After the inauguration, it’s meant to be tonight.”

For the last few months this conversation had hung over them, waiting in the background until after the inauguration. Until then they were in a weird no man’s land, trying to just enjoy being with each other without officially being with each other. They had a good idea of how the conversation would go, they’d teetered on the edge of it a few days before hand when they’d had made up from their argument. They’d spoken about CJ moving, starting a new job with Hollis. They hadn’t discussed how it would work but it had been made it clear CJ needed to start thinking about it. Tonight was the night, they’d go out for dinner, they’d come home, they’d discuss it.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“My head just hurts. I can’t—“

“Ceej, it’s fine, don’t worry about it. We’ll do it tomorrow. Okay?”

CJ nodded. “Can you get me some more Tylenol?”

“Yeah.” Danny kissed her on the forehead and hauled himself up. He returned moments later with the pills and a small glass of water. Squinting with pain CJ sat up and took them. She handed the glass back to him and leaned back against the headboard.

“I don’t want you to think I’m avoiding the issue.”

“CJ I spent years with you in the press room, I know when you’re avoiding an issue.” He put the glass down on the bedside table and sat back next to her. “You were good but you weren’t spontaneously gaining a fever good.” Her lack of reaction solidified the fact she really wasn’t well. “Lay back down. Get some sleep.”

CJ stumbled out of the bedroom four hours later. Her head was still pounding, and the moment she sat up her nose started streaming. It was at that point she finally resigned herself to the fact it might not be a hangover. She found Danny on the sofa typing away on his laptop.

“What are you doing up?” he asked.

“You didn’t wake me.”

“I thought you needed the sleep.” He put his laptop down on the coffee table and she sat down next to him and rested her head against his shoulder.

“We’re meant to be going out.”

“Do you want to go out?”

“No.” She said grumpily, leaning forward to grab a Kleenex from a box she didn’t remember being on the coffee table earlier and blowing her nose.

“We’ll stay in. I’ll make you some dinner.”

“I haven’t got any food.”

“I’ve been to the shop. How you feeling?”

“Terrible.”

“I got you some Day Nurse and Kleenex.”

“You’re so good to me,” CJ hauled herself back up with a groan, “where is it?”

“Sit down. I’ll get them.”

Dosed up on cold meds and snuggled under a blanket, Danny left CJ watching TV while he made dinner. Whilst she’d been asleep he’d been to the grocery store and bought the ingredients to make chicken soup from scratch. That would wait until tomorrow though, when he had more time, tonight pure comfort food was on the menu. By the time he’d finished cooking and walked back into the living room with a plate in each hand CJ’s cold had fully set in. She was still curled up on the same spot on the sofa but now with a pile of scrunched up tissues next to her, looking rosy cheeked and lethargic.

“I made mac and cheese,” he said as he waited for her to sit up a little straighter and wrestle her arms out from under the blankets.

“Perfect,” she replied with a tired smile.

They ate in comfortable silence, watching the TV. Danny scoffing down his plate, CJ eventually pushing hers aside onto the coffee table, half the food still on there, her appetite having left mid-meal. She settled back into the sofa and closed her eyes.

“Why don’t you go to bed CJ?”

She knew she should but she didn’t bother to open her eyes or move. He let her sit a minute but knew she’d just fall asleep if she sat there any longer.

“Come on,” he said holding out a hand to help her up, “bed time.”

She shuffled off towards the bedroom, Danny walking behind her, hands resting on her shoulders gently steering her in the right direction. He left her to get changed and brush her teeth while he went to the kitchen to refill her glass of water and retrieve the box of tissues she’d left in the living room.

“You okay?” he asked as she finally settled down under the blankets for the night.

“Yeah,” she replied quietly. “You should go home, protect yourself from the germs.” Once again he stroked her hair back from her face like he’d done earlier that day. She looked tired and glassy eyed. Her nose was just starting to get red and sore from all the blowing.

“Do you want a cuddle?” he asked.

“You’ll get sick.”

“Do you want a cuddle?” he repeated.

“Yeah,” she admitted weakly.

Danny chuckled and climbed in beside her. She shuffled up close to him and he wrapped his arms around her. He heard her sigh softly and relax in his arms.

“You know I won’t be as sympathetic when you’re ill right?” She warned him.

“Do you want me to stop cuddling you?”

“No,” she grumbled.

“You can nurse me back to health then.”

“I’ll try my best.”

They lay like that for a while, Danny, wide awake as it was still early, listening as her stuffy breathing slowed and she seemed to be falling asleep. She wriggled and pushed back from him slightly. He let go, letting her roll onto her back and get comfortable again, smiling to himself when she pulled his arm back to her, this time letting it rest loosely across her stomach. She turned her head to look at him in the darkness.

“I still feel bad we haven’t talked about us.”

“You don’t need to, we’ve only postponed a day or two. We’re still going to talk about it when you’re better.”

“I know, I’ve just made it into this big thing in my head, after the inauguration, tonight. I’ve been getting ready for tonight.”

“The whole point of ‘after the inauguration’ was so you wouldn’t think about it until now.”

“It didn’t work. It’s just been this big conversation scheduled in getting ever and ever closer. I’ve been psyching myself up for it and now it’s not happening when I thought it would. It’s thrown me.”

“It doesn’t have to be a big thing,” he tried to reassure her.

“I know it’s just... grown in the time. It’s become this make or break conversation. I don’t want it to be but that’s what it is.”

“It get that, but seriously it doesn’t have to be.” CJ sighed unhappily, “Do you want to do it now?” he asked.

“Yeah but my head really hurts, I don’t know if I can think, much less make sense right now.”

“Are you still going to worry about it and not sleep if we don’t?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay then, let's do this simply, the basics, we can go over anything properly tomorrow if you want. You’re moving to California,” he stated as a fact.

“Yes.”

“I’d like to move to California too.”

“I don’t want you throwing everything away to follow me.”

“I want to.”

“But…”

“I want something new. It’s an opportunity for both of us. I want to do this.”

She considered it for a moment, “Okay. We’re both moving to California.”

“Okay.” Danny replied with a smile, “That was easy, next order of business, accommodation.”

”I guess you want to move in?”

“What do you want CJ?”

“I want you to move in, I’m just not sure if we should do that right away.”

“We’ve been practically living together here. It will be easier than finding two places.”

“I know. It makes sense, we’ll probably end up being at each others all the time, I just--” she trailed off with a shrug.

“I know it’s an adjustment. We’ve both been on our own for sometime but I want to be there for your first day of work. I want to be there when you have to call the cable company for the fourth time because they still haven’t connected it right. I want to be there CJ, with you, not 20 minutes down the road.”

“I want you there too.”

“Then why are you so reluctant? You’ve moved in with boyfriends before.”

“Yes but this is more than that isn’t it?”

“More than moving in together?”

“You’re gonna want to marry me and settle down and—“

“CJ I’m not forcing you to do anything you don’t want to. You’re talking about this all like it’s one sided and you’re just going along with it.”

“I’m not. I'm not. I want to move in together. I’m just—” CJ sighed, giving up on trying to make her brain work through the fog of headache and fever. She blew her nose and closed her eyes for a second.

Danny sighed frustrated but feeling slightly guilty for starting this when she wasn’t one hundred percent. “Let’s leave it until tomorrow. Get some sleep.”

CJ turned her head back, staring up at the ceiling. She didn’t want to leave it like this. She just need some time to process. “What happens if it all goes wrong?”

“If what goes wrong?”

“Us.”

“If we break up?”

“Yeah.”

“CJ,” Danny asked tentatively, suddenly worried about the response “do you not want to do this?”

Originally the post inauguration talk was meant to be where their relationship was going, if there was a relationship at all, but life had a funny way of changing plans. Things had progressed, feelings had been hurt, and as a result ‘no conversations until after the inauguration’ had turned into half conversations, commitments not fully voiced but skirted around enough that they’d both thought it was mostly obvious that they were, they would be, a couple of some form even if they hadn’t agreed it out loud yet, but in that moment Danny’s stomach dropped.

She turned to look at him again “No I do” she said quickly seeing the panic on his face, “I really do. I want to give this a real go. I just, for piece of mind, I need to cover all bases.”

Relief washed over him and he set her mind at rest. “I move out. We deal with it when it happens. I really don’t think it’s going to happen but if it does then we work through it.” Danny could see she was mulling things over. “Is that okay?”

She nodded.

“I know I’ve said we can’t take this slow. This isn’t a new thing, it’s been bubbling away for 8 years but we don’t have to rush. It’s still one step at a time. The first one’s just bigger than normal-- ”

“We’re stepping off a cliff.” She interjected, repeating his words that had started this whole thing a few months earlier.

“Yeah. We just need that little push to get going. Don’t get ahead of yourself, don’t worry, we can take it slowly. I just don’t want to go so slow that we stop.”

CJ didn’t say anything for a while. Danny looked on as she lay there, deep in thought.
“What are you thinking about?” he asked.

“You broke my heart, before, turning down the editor job,” CJ stated plainly.

“That wasn’t my intention. I was just doing what you were doing, chasing my career. The time wasn’t right. I didn’t want to be an editor, you didn’t want to date a reporter. You can’t blame me for that CJ.”

“I know and I don’t blame you but it didn’t stop it hurting.”

“I’m sorry,” he said with a sad smile.

CJ rolled over onto her side, fully facing him. She pulled his arm tighter round her waist. “You don’t need to be. I just need you know because that’s why I push you away. That’s why I worry.” She looked down, breaking the eye contact that just felt too much as she continued. “If I don’t let you get close enough, if I keep this casual, you can’t hurt me again. You were right the other day, I’m scared Danny.” She looked up at him again. “I'm scared because I’ve not done this before, not really. I’ve had boyfriends, I’ve lived with two of them. But I was younger then, it was never truly serious. I feel like I’m starting my whole life all over again and this time I don’t have youth on my side. Everything’s new, a new town, a new job, a new direction and then this, a new chance at a relationship. I can’t make mistakes. I don’t know how to do this Danny. I know you say you’re going to teach me but it doesn’t stop me being scared. I’m scared I’m going to ruin it and I’m going to get hurt again.”

Danny took a moment, floored by the outpouring of honesty. “You know, these last few weeks, waking up beside you, I’ve looked over at you and thought wow, I am so lucky I’m getting this chance again. Turning that job down wasn’t a decision I made lightly. There were days I regretted it so much. I didn’t tell you about about it because I was a coward, I was scared, I didn’t want to have that argument again. I took the easy way out. I didn’t realise it would hurt that much. There were days when I thought I’ve made the right decision and days were it hurt. I didn’t mean for it to hurt you as well. It was the right decision for me at that time but I thought with it I lost my chance, and yet somehow, miraculously, things are lining up and I couldn’t let that pass by without trying. I was so nervous in that restaurant asking you to jump off a cliff with me but sometimes we have to take a chance on things that scare us. CJ I don’t want to hurt you again. Hurting you would hurt me. You’re right, maybe six months down the line we realise it’s not working but I want to know I’ve given this my best go.”

“I’m really glad you asked me to jump with you. Just make sure you hold my hand.”

“Always.”

They lent in and kissed.

“You’re definitely gonna get sick.” CJ said as they separated.

“It’s worth it. You know for someone who looks like death and has a severe headache, you’re pretty good at expressing your feelings.”

“I think I’m drunk on night nurse.” CJ whispered.

“No CJ. Give yourself more credit, you’re opening up, I think you’re gonna be fine with this whole adult relationship thing.”

CJ Cregg had done many scary things in her life, become White House Press Secretary, faced the MS scandal, been shot at more that once, dealt with her father’s ever decreasing health, become Chief of Staff. All these things she’d gotten through with the help of friends and family but also through her own strength and resilience. This new chapter of her life shouldn’t really scare her as much as it did but for the time being it terrified her. She didn’t need a man to make her strong, when push came to shove she could gather her own strength and give it her all but Danny’s gentle encouragement sure did make it easier.

“I love you,” she said quietly.

He laughed, “Okay maybe you are just delirious with fever.” He pressed his hand to her forehead playfully, checking her temperature and she joined him in his laughter. “Get some sleep and tell me that again when I know you’re not tripping on flu meds.” He kissed her on the forehead and she closed her eyes, settling down to actually sleep. “I love you too CJ.”

Notes:

Turns out it's not a great idea to decide to say something has three chapters when you don't actually have an idea for the third chapter.
I've been working on this last chapter on and off for the last year. It's actually been three entirely different stories over that period. Maybe I'll finished the other two at some point but I'm sure if I do they'll take as long as this has. Thanks for being patient with me. Hope it was worth the wait.