Like a Lawyer

by astrangergivingthestrangewelcome

Summary:

This vignette based off the fact Ms. Grinder said she heard Lewis talking like a lawyer.

Notes:

So I've been thinking a lot about the work I did for the Lewis and Clark fandom a few years ago, and I wanted to just sort of put this paragraph in front of all my fics. I wrote them as a senior in high school, now I'm a senior in college. At the time I really loved these fics and was fiercely proud of them. Meriwether Lewis and WIlliam Clark were very much creatures of interest to me. And they still are. They're both fascinating historical figures, and I'm still compelled by the various bits of evidence that suggest Meriwether Lewis may have been queer and that may have shaped his personality and depression. The Lewis and Clark Expedition is interesting goddamnit. And I put my all in these fics

But I have become more than a little uncomfortable with what I've written. The Lewis and Clark Expedition, although capable of moments of profound crosscultural exchange and bonding, was the very first agent of colonization and death for the native tribes of the Lousiana Purchase. Clark and his family were unapologectic slaveowners, and Lewis would have been too if he'd had the money. No matter the bonding that may have occurred on that trip, all those men went right back and participated in a government which stole from and murdered the tribes they encountered. Given that context, looking at the Lewis and Clark Expedition and focusing in specifically on the feelings Meriwether Lewis may or may not have harbored for William Clark seems... unsavoury. The one that's a modern day high school AU seems particularly insensitive.

I still care about my fanfiction, but I wonder a lot about why it's so easy for me to ignore everything else about the Lewis and Clark expedition in favor of the sexual tension and mental health of Meriwether Lewis. I don't know if it's ethical to write fanfiction about. I suspect it isn't. I don't really have plans to write anymore and I can't be proud of what I've written like I was. I'm still figuring out my opinion on what is the best way for me to engage with this event.

Luckily, no one is reading these stories. Not many people are into the Lewis and Clark fandom. So my work really doesn't have an impact. But they have been read, and they might be reread so even if it's only for 5 people I'd still like to put my reflections down. At this juncture I'm keeping them up and all that. I wrote them. I won't hide that as I continue to write for other fandoms.

This note is really just to say: listen. The story you're about to read was written with a lot of passion a few years ago. The fact that I wanted to write it at all is a testimony of my privilege as a white women that I can look at the Lewis and Clark Expedition and push all the racism aside with a mere acknowledgement and then get on with character studying the two white men I was really caring about. Be aware of that as you read. And if you'd like my tumblr username is astrangergivingthestrangewelcome.

8/25/2021

Well Meriwether and how are we feeling today?

Oh Meriwether this sort of behavior doesn’t leave a very favorable impression on the jury now does it?

There is no jury.

See that’s better. Only children ignore those they don’t wish to talk to. And we both know you’re not a child. No surely, although your actions would indicate the youth of a college student not a 35 year old governor.

Unless your name is Dearborne you’re not the prosecution and I am NOT on trial.

This false bravado is admirable, but truly, a waste of time.

I must stop drinking.

Hmmm. True but a rather moot point I’m afraid. Now come, come, Meriwether this stalling is getting rather old.

You are not my prosecution.

Yes, you ought to get that off your chest. Now, then, I am impatient to begin.

I am not on trial.

You stand accused of failure, debauchery, worthlessness, failure, cowardice. Worthlessness, failure. Failure. Worthlessness. These are your charges how do you plead?

I am not on trial.

Walk away then. If you’re not on trial why are you here?

I don’t have to listen to you.

No but you don’t know how to not, so I’m really going to have to ask you to stop bringing up these moot points. We are on a tight schedule here Lewis. I only have all night and considering everything we have to talk about I’m going to have to expedite this if we want to get to the sentencing by morning.

Please, leave.

Good. Better. Politeness is most becoming to you. Just for that, I’ll let the whole pleading thing go for now. I’m not a Supreme Court Justice, I think we can afford a little unconventionality here.

Please, please, leave.

Now Lewis I am afraid you are simply out of appeals. I give them to you, you swear you’ll do better, you fail. This is it.

I beg of you, I’ll do anything you want just leave me be.

Oh you will do anything I want, but I will not leave you be. As pleasurable as hearing you beg is, it won’t do you any good. Now. To the heart of the matter. What say you to the charge that you have not done one thing to truly “live for all of mankind” as you so poetically put it once?

They sing me songs. They toast me. That must count for something.

They sung you songs. They toasted you. You’re old hat now Lewis, getter older everyday. You didn’t put the lavender in your nice wool cap and the moths have gotten at it. It’s rotting away.

That will change. I have my journals, I’ve saved them. I just need to edit them. I just need to publish them. It will change things you’ll see! Just give me a chance to publish them.

Oh Lewis you say that everytime. We know you’re lying.

I am not. You just need to give me a chance to publish them!

Alright Lewis let’s talk about these journals. So you publish them. What exactly are they going to see? Meriwether Lewis’ attempt to build a boat, fails. Meriwether Lewis’ attempt to cross the Rocky Mountains without a guide, fails. Meriwether Lewis’ attempt to improve diplomatic relations with the Blackfoot, fails. Oh but don’t worry they’ll really come to respect you when they learn about how you got shot in the ass.

I’ll be remembered as the first explorer to see the Three Forks, the Falls of the Missouri, the Pacific Ocean!

That’s trivia Lewis, not an accomplishment. Maybe the idiots out there who sing songs about you think it is but you know better. That’s what I like about you Meriwether. You’re a waste of space but at least you’re smart enough to realize it. Someone would have done it if you hadn’t and you know it. Didn’t you almost get beaten by a pair of fur traders? Fur traders Lewis!

I got my men back safe. Except for Floyd, but I couldn’t do anything for him.

Alright let’s get one thing perfectly clear. You did nothing that William Clark wouldn’t have done without you. He was the one in the boat, being a leader. You were on the shoreline taking a walk.

You leave Bill out of this!

I’m afraid I can’t do that. He’s just so central to why I’m here. God, Lewis you really do make this easy for me sometimes. You can’t even treat the recipient of your perverted affections, the man who’s always been at your side, with love. You’re jealous of him.

I have never done anything… perverted to him..

Oh Lewis don’t you see? It’s all the same sin. Thou shalt not commit adultery just isn’t enough anymore. What is it the scriptures say? "But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people."

I have not thought anything perverted of him! He’s my dearest friend and that is all.

Meriwether, I know you far better than you know yourself. Look at your God and be judged. "Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders." Homosexual offender. Sodomite. Pervert. Sound like anyone we know?

Shut up! ShutupShutupShutup! SHUT UP!

Lewis you twisted piece of filth I control you and I’ll shut up when I damn well please. When are you going to get it? I am you! I know what you were thinking when he curled up next to you at night for two and half years. Unsuspecting. Innocent . He trusted you. He had no idea the carnal desires of your heart. I know how you admired his jawline, his chest, his everything. How you still admire it. How fast he would jump away from you, if only he knew. What do you say?

I CONFESS! I confess!

You want to know the funny part now? The really hilarious bit of all of this is that he loves you. Oh now maybe not like you want him to but he really loves you. You! He’s got a wife and a steady job and a multitude of people who love him but he finds time for you. What makes you think you have any right to that goodness? You squander it every time. Every damn time. You borrow his money to get drunk, Lewis. You’re jealous of his wife. You couldn’t even get him the captain’s salary for the expedition like you promised. And he just keeps on loving you. And trusting you. You can’t even publish his journals, and yet he named his child after you. You fail him. Over and over and over. Just like you fail Jefferson, and your mother and Reuben, and anyone who’s ever put the least amount of confidence in you. Oh come now don’t look so distraught. It’s not as if you had any choice in the matter. You were born wrong, in every way. It’s that simple. Think of it like this. God’s canon against self-slaughter means nothing if you’re already damned.  

You’re right. You’re always, always right.

There Lewis I knew I’d get you speaking sense eventually.

But no matter how much I don’t deserve it, I am loved. There’s still time! I can still make it up to them. I can do better! I can publish the journals. I can’t die until I’ve published the journals.

You haven’t touched the journals and you never will because you know that’s the only half-worthy thing you’ve ever done with your life and if you ever did publish them you’d have nothing left.

I am the governor of the Louisiana Territory. Doesn’t that count for anything?

What good’s a title if the man behind it is weak? Lord Dunmore was a Governor once. How well do Virginians think of him?

I can do better. I can be a better governor. I have detractors yes, but doesn’t everyone? Bates is nothing in the long run. I can overcome him. I could have a better Indian policy, if only the government would give me the money I need to make it happen! There’s time yet!

Oh Lewis. Lewis, Lewis, Lewis. How many times do I have to say this. You could, but you won’t. You have ideas of ingenuity, notions of nobility, but nothing ever, ever come to fruition. Your time is up Meriwether.

People would miss me.

Perhaps for a time. Mostly you’re a burden Lewis, and your friends will be very glad to see you gone. Maybe not Clark. Maybe he is that perfect that he could find it within himself to grieve for you. But you’re his burden too Lewis make no mistake, he just doesn’t know it. But he will. A few months from now he’ll be happier, and he won’t even know why. It’s the best thing you could do for him.

I’m so tired of this.

Of course. So we’ll wrap this up. Meriwether Lewis you stand accused. How do you plead?

I plead- I plead guilty.

The sentence is death. Effective immediately. Do you understand?

Yes.

There Lewis was that so difficult? I’m only giving you what you want.

I’m ready.

Marvelous. On my count. 3! 2! 1!

***

William Clark stirred in his sleep. He was sure he’d had a nightmare, but for the life of him he couldn’t remember what it was about. It had had something to do with Meriwether.