Chapter Text
“No. No, damn it. I won’t die like this!” Loki grabs Thor by the collar and yanks him down, hand pale and trembling against his gaping wound. “Do you hear me, you idiot? I won’t…”
Grimacing, Thor kneels next to Loki and placing a hand on his shoulder. “Loki, I don’t want to be suspicious, but this would be the second time you’ve died recently“
“Shut up!” Loki hisses. “Damn you, I’m not faking! Do you see this? The gigantic hole in my side? Ah, look.” He swallows, fingers going limp as blood begins spurting out even faster. “Lovely.”
Thor feels his face fall in a panic. “Loki? Loki, no. You’re… “ It’s like his heart’s been plucked straight out of his ribcage. He can’t seem to breathe. “You aren’t… This is real, isn’t it?”
“It’s… certainly looking that way!” Loki grits his teeth, letting his head loll back. “I do have… a plan. For this sort of situation. It’s a rather unpleasant one, and it would’ve worked much better with someone other than you, but…”
“Do it!” Moving like he’s going to let go, Thor freezes, then goes back to holding Loki desperately. “What are you waiting for? U-Unless you aren’t really dying, in which case, bravo. Really… got me this time. That looks very believable.”
“Oh, go to hell,” Loki growls. He takes a deep breath, grabbing a lock of Thor’s hair. Thor yelps as his brother yanks a few strands out of his scalp. “Th-There. Do forgive me for this, brother.” He laughs weakly. “I only wish I could be there to see it. This should be quite entertaining.
“W-Wait, what?” Thor stares, then pulls his hand back in alarm as Loki fades. Into nothingness. His clothes shrivel and then drop to the ground, empty. “All right. I get it. A prank! A very poorly timed prank done in awful taste. Yes. I understand. You can come out now. If you aren’t naked.”
There’s no response, just silence. Thor frowns.
“Loki?”
*
Thor had almost missed it thanks to his grieving, but a few weeks after Loki’s disappearance (Thor hesitates to call it a death, since he has no proof that such an event actually took place), he can’t really ignore it any longer. So, he decides to ask for help.
"Banner!" The doctor flinches when Thor calls out to him, almost like he expects to be punished or something.
"Uh... Yeah, Thor?" Banner turns to him with that same, constant nervous look on his face. It actually reminds Thor of when somebody stupid stares at the sun for a very long time. Which is funny, because Banner is supposed to be extremely smart. It’s his whole deal with the Hulk, after all. Banner is smart, and Hulk is dumb. "What's up?"
"I have..." Trailing off, Thor furrows his brow. How should he bring this up, exactly? "I have a problem. And you are a doctor, so I came to see you."
"Oh... kay." Banner’s shoulders slump. "Pretty sure I'm not the kind of doctor you need, but hell, I can try to help. What’s been bothering you?"
"Ah." Grinning, Thor nods. "You see, there is a very strange growth between my legs—"
"Nope!" Banner's eyes bug out and he basically shouts at Thor. Rude. "S-Sorry, I just... I'm not that kind of doctor."
Thor frowns in confusion. "What about your many PHDs?"
"Trust me," Banner says, "those aren't applicable in this situation. You need to go see a real doctor. And probably not anyone from Asgard, since I get the feeling not a lot of your medical technology survived that giant... fire guy blowing it up. I'm sure Tony can recommend one."
Well, this was disappointing. Thor had hoped this could be kept private. An issue among friends, so to speak. "Very well."
"Look, not that I want to hear any more about your problem," Banner adds, "but I'm sure it's nothing. I wouldn't worry about it."
Laughing loudly, Thor strides over to Banner so he can clap a hand gratefully on the small doctor's shoulder. "Thank you! I'm sure you're right. You know me, always worrying about the little things."
Banner grimaces up at him. "That literally sounds nothing like you."
"Ehh." Tilting his head, Thor smiles in a pitying way. "Agree to disagree."
*
“Your brother,” the Captain says, as though saying it out loud is causing him pain, “got you pregnant.”
Thor smiles awkwardly. “Yes.” Everyone is looking at him now, with varying degrees of disgust on their face, and—“Oh! Oh, no! No, no. N-Not like that.” Wincing, Thor scrunches up his face up like he’s trying to get an awful taste out of his mouth. “Gross.” He shakes his head, explaining, “He used magic. As he was dying, he decided to give me one last trial to endure. Another one of his… brilliant tricks.” He growls under his breath. “Well, you got me, brother. Well done.”
“And, you’re going to, um…” The Captain starts to say something else, then trails off.
“You’re going to keep the baby?” Natasha ventures.
“… Keep?” Thor gives her a bewildered look. Infants aren’t that easy to displace, are they?
“You’re going to give birth to it?” she amends. “Look. I don’t know how Asgardians feel about this sort of thing, but on Midgard, if you don’t want to have a child, or you aren’t ready, or you’re…” She pauses to collect her thoughts. “A man who’s been… cursed, you can get a… procedure. So that you don’t have to carry to term.”
“Oh.” Thor blinks. “Oh! Oh. That’s all right. I’m good.” Natasha keeps looking at him as though he’s missing something important. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that! With… people who want to do that. I respect women who… who know what they want out of life, and are able to make such a difficult decision, but… nope! Not for me. Ah—again, can’t stress the ‘respecting women’ part enough—“
“Okay.” Natasha holds her hand up, cutting him off abruptly. “We get it. That’s completely fine. But we’re going to have to set up a few ground rules.”
“You’ll have to find a physician here on Ear—er, Midgard,” the Captain points out. “I’m sure your medical technology is plenty advanced, but you probably don’t have access to the same tools you had on Asgard, so it may be best to find a doctor here. You’ll probably want to lessen your workload as king, and, obviously, any Avengers related activity is out of the question.”
Thor blinks in surprise. “Why?”
Natasha glances at the Captain, apparently confused. “Because… you’re pregnant?”
“So?” Natasha gives the tiniest shake of her head, like Thor’s being really hard to deal with or something. Frowning, he decides not to push it, frowning and shrugging weakly. “That seems like a stupid reason, but okay.”
“Tony?” The Captain finally calls attention to Stark, who’s been sitting on the couch, being uncharacteristically quiet. “Anything else you want to add?”
“Oh, no. I’m good, I’m good. It’s just… Well, actually, I’m just a tiny bit concerned. No big deal, really, but, yeah, definitely a concern.”
“What’s wrong?” Natasha asks slowly, saying it like she has to forcibly drag the words from her mouth.
“Thank you for asking, ‘Tash. I think we’ve got a real problem here.” Stark shakes his head, standing up and drumming his fingers against the side of his sunglasses. “This is… the funniest goddamn thing I’ve ever heard of. And I can’t even laugh. I think I’ve blown a fuse. What if—“ He takes his sunglasses off, staring at all of them gravely. “What if I never laugh again? What if I’m incapable? That’s gotta be some kind of hell, right? Not being able to laugh at this?”
Natasha and the Captain make Stark leave after that.
*
“Damn you, Loki…” Swallowing, Thor winces at the taste of bile still clinging to the inside of his throat. After he finally catches his breath, he leans miserably over his dining table. The apartment, and all the furniture it came with, is very nice, but Thor can hardly appreciate it thanks to the state he’s in. “Y-You must think you’re sooooo clever. Probably… grinning down at me, from Valhalla. Or up at me, from Hel. N-Not really sure, actually. You were sort of ambiguous when it came to morality at the end there. Bastard.”
“So, you’re… having morning sickness?” Banner asks, and Thor notes how he always sounds so timid, like he thinks Thor will throw him out the window or something. Which is stupid, because if Thor did that, Banner would just become Hulk, and jump back in through the window and punch Thor a lot. (Thor would still win that fight, though.) Also, he invited Banner here. “Sorry to hear that. I mean, you’ve probably never even had a hangover.”
“Morning sickness.” Groaning, Thor rubs at his face with both hands. “What is that?”
“Uh, it’s… Y’know.” Banner gestures towards him limply. “When you’re… pregnant, and you get nauseated in the mornings. That’s what we call it here.”
“Ah.” Thor frowns. Guess he should have figured that one out on his own.
There’s a small pause, which Banner then interrupts.
“Look. Not that I have a problem with it—“ He cuts himself off, looking conflicted. “I-I mean, I don’t. If anything, I’m flattered! … I think. But, uh… why do you keep coming to me when you wanna talk about this stuff?” Cocking an eyebrow, he adds, “You do remember that I’m not that kind of doctor, right?”
“Of course! It’s just that I…” Shrugging, Thor fidgets and looks down at his hands. “After Sakaar, and Asgard, finding you, and meeting Valkyrie. Dealing with Hela, and the Grand Master, the anus—“ Banner looks alarmed so Thor clarifies. “The big one, in the sky! Over Sakaar. The Devil’s Anus.” Thor grits his teeth. “God, that’s such a bad name.” Shaking his head, he clears his throat to remind himself to get back on track. “Right. Anyway, um… When we were fighting each other, and hanging out more, just the two of us… I kind of thought we were becoming friends!” Finally, he glances up, giving Banner a hopeful look. “And not just Avengers friends, real friends!” Thor… doesn’t have a lot of those left anymore. Okay, sure, he’s ‘friends’ with everyone on Asgard, but that’s kind of like saying you’re friends with your mother.
“Uh.” Banner looks uncomfortable, but Thor can’t tell if it’s the same uncomfortable he always seems to be, or an uncomfortable that’s even worse than normal. “I mean—yeah! Sure. We’re friends, Thor.”
Thor beams. “Oh, good!” Grinning at Banner, he adds, “I knew it. We’re practically best friends. Definitely the best two friends in the team. Especially since Natasha broke up w—“
“Yeah, uh—Hm.” Banner clears his throat, scratching the back of his head vigorously. “Don’t push it, big guy.”
*
"Alright. I understand that what I did was unacceptable." That's a lie, actually. Thor is still very confused about what happened. Banner took him to a place where there were very large men in colorful costumes yelling at each other, because he thought Thor 'might enjoy it.' They sat and watched as the men on stage insulted one another, then began wrestling, up until the first hit the second with a folding chair. Banner had been right—Thor was exhilarated! So much so that he tried to leap into the arena himself, but Banner stopped him, and Thor doesn't completely... get why. The man in the ring was challenging the audience, calling them cowards and daring them to fight him. How else was Thor meant to react? "I won't do it again."
"That's... That's not the only issue, big guy." Banner drums his fingers on the table, staring down at his coffee. Thor tried to order one of those when Banner took him here after the show, but Banner wouldn't let him do that, either. "You're supposed to be taking it easy, okay? No more doing stressful stuff like fighting random people. At least, not until the kid's... out."
"Oh." Nodding, Thor furrows his brow as he thinks. "What about sparring?" He quickly adds, "You know—with a trustworthy friend who won't hit any of my vital points!" Since Thor’s been training since he was very small, he knows exactly how to fight without lethal intent. If Banner’s so worried, Thor could just tell his opponent they can’t aim for his stomach area.
"What? No! No... sparring! What're you, crazy?" Banner groans, kneading at his temple as if Thor's being unreasonable. Which is ridiculous, since Banner's the one making a big fuss over nothing.
Thor frowns. "What about jousting?" That can't be off limits too, can it?
"Like, on a horse?" Banner finally lifts his head, just so Thor can see how appalled he is. "That's worse!"
"Okay, okay." Laughing, Thor makes a 'calm down’ gesture. "I'll stick to long-ranged weapons. Or swordplay. No hammers. I don't think I'm ready for another hammer yet. Old wounds, you know."
"Thor, you can't..." Banner's forehead is starting to get a tiny bit veiny, and Thor realizes Banner's losing his patience. It would be very inconvenient for the Hulk to appear here, and Thor understands that, but also, he has absolutely no idea why what they're talking about is so frustrating to the small man. "You just can't. The most exercise you should be doing is yoga, or maybe jogging a little. There's no... battling people when you're pregnant. It's... " He shrugs weakly. "You just shouldn't be doing it. Your doctor's probably not gonna allow it, either."
"Oh." Going quiet for a minute, Thor puzzles over this, then slams his fist forcefully against the table, making Banner cringe. "Well, I'm the king, so I'll make it allowed."
"Look! Thor—" Banner places a palm on his hand—the one he used to smash against the table—then twitches and pulls it away. Well, that was confusing. "On Earth, or Midgard, or whatever, when a woma—a person is pregnant, they don't joust with their friends."
"HA!" Thor lets out a bark of a laugh. "You know, Banner, you can be pretty funny! Keep it up. I may like you more than Hulk yet."
"Thank you?" Banner glances aside, like he thinks he's on that 'Candied Camera' program Stark told Thor about. "That wasn't a joke, but... "
"You're worrying over nothing," Thor insists. "In fact, legends tell of a brave Valkyrie who once rode into battle, seven months pregnant, and successfully rescued her entire squadron." He beams, confident his point has been proven without a shadow of a doubt. "I’m a God, Banner! I’m can handle anything. So I can totally do whatever and I want, and it will be fine."
Banner's buried his face in his hands when Thor looks at him again. He stays that way when he speaks, voice becoming slightly muffled. "Look. I know Asgardians are tough. Really tough. But if you want to be absolutely sure this kid's going to make it into the world, and for it to be okay, and not unhealthy, or in danger... " Groaning, Banner lets out a deep exhale as the veins on his forehead seem to finally recede. "Save the hero stuff, and king stuff, and fighting stuff for later. Just... think of it as a personal favor to me."
Thor smiles again. Though he doesn't fully understand, if it's that important to Banner, Thor knows he can't refuse. That's what being friends is about! Grabbing the doctor’s hand, he gives it a solid shake. "All right, Banner. Deal."
Banner chuckles tiredly. "Thanks. I might, uh, ask for one more favor on top of that."
"Of course!" Thor will gladly help the other man, as long as it's within the realms of things that are possible. For instance, Thor doesn't think he could make Banner himself any less of a small, very nerdy person. "What would you like?"
"I think I'd like to conduct a few studies regarding Asgardian biology, and longevity..." The next part he mumbles almost too quietly for Thor to hear. "I mean, the lifespan's one thing, but this is giving me a few questions about how you guys survived for this long."
*
"More rules?" Thor stares in disbelief at the Captain, fork and knife almost slipping from his hands.
"No! I mean... " Rogers shakes his head, then shrugs, seeming reluctant to admit the truth. "Okay. Yeah, kind of. But no one is going to force you to do anything. They're just recommendations."
"Very well." Nodding, Thor gives the Captain a warm grin so he'll continue as he cuts into his steak. It's his third. Or... fifth. He isn't certain, but his appetite has grown to be rather monstrous lately. It would creep him out if he weren't getting numb to that sort of thing. Frankly, he’s still traumatized by the shock of waking up one morning without a beard. "Please continue."
"Oh, well, uh... First off—" Rogers gestures to his plate, grimacing. "You're probably going to want to get a list of foods you can't eat from your doctors. I think, uh, rare steak might be one of them, so you may wanna hold off." He thinks for a second, then says, “Next time."
"No need for concern," Thor replies. "I've only had three." Or five. Still, not that many.
The Captain blinks. "Right." He shakes his head, as if rearranging his thoughts. Probably because he has so many leader-ish things going on in his head, and he has to figure out how to sound less bossy about everything. So far, Thor thinks he's doing a decent job! Not great. "Anyway, you should also get some vitamins. Supplies for the baby. And, this isn't gonna be something you'll like, but..." Rogers sighs deeply. "It's probably in your best interest to keep this secret. And once you start looking... Once you start getting bigger, you might want to stay in your apartment most of the time. You know, out of the public eye."
Cocking an eyebrow, Thor stares at Rogers bewilderment. "Are you mad? This is a good thing!" Dropping his knife, he gestures insistently as he explains, "Sure, the circumstances are... very weird, and I'm still mad at Loki, but I won’t hide this. On Asgard, an impending birth, particularly a royal one, is cause for celebration!"
"Yeah, well, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but on Earth, things are different." Rogers looks at Thor very intently and Thor feels a bit intimidated. Well, no, not really. Thor's not intimidated by anyone, because he's Thor, and he's stronger than any of the other Avengers, even if he’s pregnant. But still. It's a very serious look. "I'm not saying you aren't allowed to be happy about this, but you're a public figure, and you also have quite a few enemies. You're in a vulnerable state right now. If people know you're... " Rogers can't seem to stomach saying the word 'pregnant', so he skips it entirely. "If they know about your condition, they might try and hurt you." Thor opens his mouth to respond, but the Captain cuts him off. "And even if you're too tough to get hurt, something could still happen to the baby. It's better to just play it safe. Nobody can use your condition against you if nobody knows about it."
"All right," Thor murmurs. "I understand."
There's a short silence, and then, as if on cue, the server appears and begins unloading a couple of pitchers of milk. Because Thor is definitely trying to be healthy, and knows better than to drink ale. (Although he was reluctant to give it up, so he made sure to double-check with Banner.) Reaching out for one of the pitchers gleefully, Thor explains, "I was thirsty!"
Rogers groans loudly and buries his face in his hands. "Oh my God."
*
"It's just hard, you know?" Slumping forward, Thor rests cheeks against his hands. "Being the only one left in my entire family." It’s been nearly four months, and if Loki really were still around, he would have appeared by now to gloat about what he’d done to Thor.
"Mm. Sure." Valkyrie dumps half of a bottle of mead into a very large glass. "No idea what that's like."
"Sorry," Thor mutters sheepishly. He isn't sure why Valkyrie brought him here—all right, no, he is, this bar has a bigger variety of alcohol than any other Midgardian bar he’s been in—but Thor can hardly partake in the fun. Instead, he's forced to sip on "pop" (although, admittedly, he really likes the little bubbles,) and watch Valkyrie down drink after drink. "It's just… It’s very strange. I can't talk about this with anyone."
"Oh, that's not true," Valkyrie argues. "You can talk about it with yourself. Or, you could not talk about it at all.” She take another swig. “You’ve got options."
Rolling his eye, Thor huffs, slouching forward with one arm draped over the bar while the other wraps lightly over his swell of a stomach. It seemed to happen overnight, where his muscles faded and gave way to a prominent belly. It's too high and firm to be mistaken for fat, but, admittedly, Thor might be just as ashamed of people thinking he’s gone soft. Although, if that were the case, at least he wouldn't be so uncomfortably aware of how strange he looks. "I don't know what any of them would think." He growls under his breath before grumbling, "Well, no. Loki, wherever he is, has to be laughing at me. He's having a riot."
"At least that makes one of us." Valkyrie pushes her empty glasses aside, waving the barkeep down and pointing to the shelf behind him. "Give me that. No, no—the bottle. Yes, you idiot. The entire thing." He hands it to her with an expression of disbelief and she smiles sweetly. "Thank you."
"Mother would be... supportive, I think," Thor muses. "Probably very confused. But I know she would try to make me comfortable for this ordeal." Turning his head, he sighs and watches as Valkyrie stares him down. With no expression on her face, she upturns her entire bottle and downs its contents rapidly. "Would you stop that?"
She holds up her finger in that 'wait a minute' gesture. Well, Thor guesses she is already two-thirds of the way through it.
"Nevermind." He takes another moody sip of his co-la, turning away from Valkyrie.
"No, no," Valkyrie says, patting his shoulder and smiling warmly. "I've had enough to drink. I'm in a better mood now."
Thor just grunts.
"Ohh, come on!" Valkyrie squeezes his shoulder gently, pulling him into half a hug. Her breath stinks a bit from the liquor, but... Thor doesn't really mind. "What about, ahhh... Your father! He'd be the worst, I bet. Very awkward, and downright pissed that his precious heir, golden God of thunder, had gotten, er... tin roof rusted."
"Heh..." All right. Thor can only be bitter for so long. "I don't know what a roof has to do with this, but I'm glad you're in a better mood." After clearing his throat, he continues. "But, my father... " Yes, Valkyrie’s right. It would have been awkward, having father see him like this. There's no denying that. In fact, now that he's visibly growing, he keeps thinking how relieved he is that no member of his family will ever see him like this. He’s aware of how how ridiculous he's going to look towards the end. "Who knows. He might have been accepting of it. He really mellowed out towards the end."
Valkyrie gives him one more squeeze. "Buy me another bottle of this, and I'll show you how a master mellows out."
"Tempting, but—" Lifting his little glass, Thor gives it a shake. "--maybe you should try a couple of these for your next round."
*
“You look…” Banner clears his throat very loudly, then stays quiet for a few seconds, like he can’t think of what to say. Which is weird because, normally, Banner has a lot to say about everything, a lot of which Thor doesn’t fully understand. “… different.”
“Yes, I know.” Sighing, Thor shifts his weight from one foot to the other, grinning awkwardly. “Because I have breasts now.”
“N-NO!” Banner winces, face going very red. “I m-mean… Yes. Uh, no. Y… Yes. But I wasn’t going to say that, specifically.”
“It’s all right.” Thor shrugs. “I’m not in denial about it or anything.” Patting his side, Thor glances down at himself. “Eir—she was sort of like my childhood doctor—said I have developed ‘child-birthing’ hips as well.”
“Okay! Okay.” Banner swallows loudly. His face is still really red. Thor guesses medical things make him uncomfortable, which is odd, since he’s a doctor. Oh, right! But not that kind. “I get it. We don’t have to keep… talking about it.”
“Are you certain?” Stepping away from the counter, Thor tries to keep his stride confident. It’s getting harder—not only does his stomach sticks out conspicuously, and at this point, it’s just heavy enough to make him feel less balanced. “I see that this conversation is making you uncomfortable. But, sometimes, the key to overcoming discomfort is exposure.”
“No! No, I’m okay!” Banner scrambles away from him, stumbling backwards and holding his arms out, like he’s about to start pushing Thor away. “Seriously! Whatever you’re thinking, you do not have to do anythi—”
“Wait.” Freezing, Thor keeps his hands on the hem of his shirt, fully prepared to yank it over his head before a thought occurs to him. Clucking sympathetically, he reaches out and touches Banner’s shoulder lightly. “Are you… Have you never seen a breast before?”
Banner has both hands over his face now. “Oh my God.”
“It’s fine, Banner,” Thor assures him. “Not everyone can pass those milestones in their youth. I’m sure you would very busy getting your doctorates!” He squeezes the Midgardian’s shoulder lightly, tacking on, “But not the other kind of doctorate. Otherwise you would have seen breasts.”
Banner grunts moodily. “I hate you.”
Thor huffs. “Well, now you’re just being mean.”
*
“Whoa, big guy.” Stark claps Thor on the back as soon as he sees him, tilting his shades down so he can study him. “You really blew up, huh?”
“Uh, no! I haven’t been near any explosions lately.” Thor sighs. “Banner has been very adamant about that.”
“No, Thor.” Natasha gestures to his stomach, explaining, “He means that you’re really showing.”
Scratching at the side of his head, Thor tries to puzzle out what Natasha is saying. “Showing what?”
“That you’ve got a bun in the oven,” Stark pipes up again, reaching down to rub circles against Thor’s belly, something Thor’s learned that some Midgardians do for luck. Well, Stark could definitely use more of that. “But I’m getting a little sick of this bit, so lemme just cut to the chase. You look like you’re ready to pop.”
Thor nods, finally understanding. It would be hard not to, with Stark pawing at his stomach, but Thor doesn't mind.. "Ah, yes." Smiling to himself, Thor adds, "I will be giving birth soon."
A few of his teammates flinch when he says that. "Okay," Natasha states slowly. "A little blunt, but I'm... I mean, we're all glad you're happy."
"I am!" Thor pats his stomach gently, then throws an arm around Banner, pulling him into a tight side-hug. "When Banner kept trying to make me go to the doctor, I thought he was just... you know, freaking out about everything because he's such a small, neurotic person—" Stark grins very broadly at that, nodding slowly, so Thor laughs and points. "Ha! See, Banner? Stark gets it!" Clearing his throat, Thor reluctantly lets go of Banner when starts squirming like he's struggling to breathe. "Anyway, I thought it was stupid, since we Asgardians have medical technology that, frankly, makes your Midgardian health practices look embarrassing, but he had a good point: most of that stuff did end up getting completely destroyed by Sutur." He brings his hand up to his side, almost without thinking, resting his palm against the curve of his belly. "But it was a wonderful experience!"
Banner gives him a look, rubbing at his neck. "Something tells me the OBGYN didn't feel the same way."
Thor pouts. "If he didn't want to be kicked through a wall, he should have warmed up his hands before touching me there." There's a very awkward silence after that, so Thor hurriedly continues. "Anyway, after that, someone else came in, and they used a machine where I could see the child! While it was inside me! I mean, it still is. It hasn't gone anywhere. But it was moving, and stuff, and... and it was... " What do Midgardians say? That word that means 'good' and 'cool' and 'very weird' all at the same time? "Crazy."
The Captain looks befuddled for some reason, and Thor remembers he can be as unfamiliar with Midgard's technology as Thor is. "That's great, buddy."
"Yeah, real great." Stark winks at Banner, taking a long sip from his beverage (the type of which Thor is explicitly not allowed to have, and Banner reminded him of that when he arrived) before saying, "Glad Banner seems to have plenty of time for you."
"What?" Thor frowns, tilting his head slightly. "Why are you saying it like that?"
Banner rolls his eyes. “Tony's just confused, Thor. He has trouble differentiating between types of affection. He thinks any two people who, A., aren't related, and B., spend more than five minutes together, are automatically overcome with the urge to give in and have sex." He smirks a tiny bit, and Thor must admit, it's very a very charming smile, even when Banner is being vindictive. "Y'know, just 'cuz that's his own personal experience, and he's projecting it."
Thinking for a moment, Thor pauses, then guffaws. "Ah! Ha! Was that a 'burn'?" He looks around at the others, making sure they got it, too. "That was a burn, wasn't it?" Still laughing, he shuffles over to Stark, clapping him on the back hard enough for Tony to spit out his drink.
"Glad you liked it, big guy," Banner says, and Thor's pleased to notice his smirk seems to have turned into a genuine smile.
*
Thor's not sure what happened. One moment they were arguing, and Thor was winning, so Banner became angry enough to transform into the Hulk. Then, he and Hulk argued for a while before, for some reason, Hulk stopped yelling and put his hand on Thor's waist. Not harshly, or tightly, not like when he tries to throw Thor into the wall. Completely different. Thor's pretty sure Hulk's trying to get him off his guard by doing something really weird and awkward. Hulk really must be getting smarter, because that definitely feels like a Banner move.
"What are you doing?" Glancing down, Thor studies Hulk’s hand, almost like he's making sure it's still there.
"Thor not angry at Hulk," he rumbles.
Thor laughs humorlessly. "Ahah! See, that is where you're mistaken, my friend. I am quite angry with you." Winding his arm back, he gives Hulk a sharp jab in his middle. The big fellow winces and curls forward just slightly, but doesn't react other than that. Well, Thor's got to admit, he can respect how well the big oaf takes a punch. "You won't spar with me. Why?"
Hulk sighs, and hesitates before bringing his hand lightly over Thor's middle, almost not even touching him. "Baby."
"Ah." Hulk laughs. "I see! Banner doesn't seem to understand this, but maybe you will. I'm very durable, so, even if the baby is not, it'll be like... Like, if you took a very small, easily bruised apple, and put it inside of a much larger, stronger apple. Made of metal. With very nice muscles."
Hulk groans. "Why Thor so stupid?"
At that, Thor lets out an offended gasp. To be called stupid by the Hulk, it’s... "Okay, that one really was too far."
"Hulk... sorry." The Hulk places a hand on his waist, and Thor glances up. Suddenly, he's a bit surprised by how soft the giant's face can look at times. "But... Hulk have... other idea."
One of those enormous green mitts finds itself under Thor's chin, tilting Thor's head very gently up. Then, his thumb, almost the size of Thor's mouth, presses against his lips. It says a lot more than Hulk's stilted words ever could.
What happens next feels like a blur. Thor finds himself laughing on and off as it happens. It's so ridiculous! To do this... with a man—not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just that Thor never considered the possibility for himself—and then, on top of that, a man who's a Hulk... It's as ridiculous as it seems, but Thor finds that he doesn't mind any of it. Hulk lies on the bed, and Thor chuckles again as at least two of the legs snap under his weight. Thor clambers on top of the mattress, too, then curls a hand under his stomach, working his way up onto Hulk's lap. Once again, one massive hand cups his entire head, like he's being asked for permission.
Thor manages to squirm higher, giving Hulk a chaste kiss before working his ridiculous short-pants down. Right. Hulk, naked. There was a time when he'd been utterly repulsed by the sight. And, now, it's... Yes, okay. It's a little disturbing still. But now, more because of how daunting it seems. Swallowing, he lets Hulk feel at him a little more before they try anything. When one of the giant's thumbs presses into his chest, kneading and pushing at the new weight, Thor feels something jolt through him. The more it happens, the more he feels like he needs this to happen. That he's needed it to happen for a very long time, but didn't even know. It gets to a point, after Hulk sitting up and curling around him, after more kisses and massages and almost-pinches, when Thor can't take it.
He starts to lower himself down, wincing and gasping dramatically. It hurts quite a bit. Really, Thor isn’t sure why he keeps going. But Hulk continues to dote on him, and it gets to where he simply can't stop. Going down as far as he can, he presses his hand against the top of his stomach like it'll somehow help him deal with the pressure. Then, Hulk rolls his hips slowly, and Thor thinks he might faint. Breathing raggedly, he tries stupidly to mirror the giant's movements, pushing himself quickly towards a point he had no idea he was so close to. It's very different from anything sexual he's done before, but he doesn't think he's ever felt this desperate for relief. He's never struggled so much to get relief, either, and by the time all the coaxing and thrusting and groping pushes him over the edge, he can no longer think.
He shudders, hunching forward as Hulk clutches him, bucking and panting shakily, tears beading in his eyes as the insatiable feeling pulses through him. Feels like he's vibrating with that sensation for weeks, or just a few seconds, and he can't move himself for a good thirty seconds after, crouched over Hulk, weight of his belly dragging him into a crouch. Finally, swallowing and trying not to grow scared when he realizes he's trembling, Thor all but falls off the Hulk and lies there in a daze on his side.
Hulk slings a massive arm over him, almost protectively, and, in a raspy, fatigued voice, Thor guffaws. "Heh... Ha! That was an excellent idea."
Hulk's eyes are already closed, and all he does in response is snort like an angry bull.