if it's meant to be

by starlighteyed

Summary:

jeongguk doesn't know for how long he can endure the pain his more-than-a-crush is causing him. taehyung has been his best friend for years. their friends try to make him confess, but jeongguk's decisions create a big chaos. he's not sure if he can clean up the mess he's made.

or,

jeongguk is deeply in love with taehyung, but forces himself to put some distance between the two of them. fate has different plans of course.

(i'm horrible at summaries please just read it i promise it's good, or at least i hope. PLEASE READ THE TAGS!!!!)

“you need to tell him.” yoongi slid into the seat next to jeongguk in the cafe. jeongguk was staring at taehyung as he had his shift at the cafe. he was waiting for the older, just like every friday, so they could go to jeongguk’s to watch a film and hang out. it was always like that ever since the 5th month that they’ve known each other.

 

taehyung and jeongguk met when they were 16 and 14. they were both waiting for their appointment with a therapist they both used to go to. that’s when jeongguk learned that taehyung lost his father in a car accident beforehand, which taehyung was also involved in, so he had severe ptsd and anxiety. jeongguk had severe depression and he was on the verge of fatally hurting himself, but his mum had found him before he could do anything stupid, and took him to a therapist. jeongguk didn’t mind it. he had anxiety too and struggled with meeting people. the therapist was the only person who he felt comfortable talking to. but taehyung was different. he was shy, but kind. over time, as their friendship evolved, jeongguk got to know taehyung. taehyung hated the therapist, he didn’t want to open up. instead, he opened up to jeongguk. the younger started seeing a different side to taehyung. it was simple infatuation at first, but it slowly turned into a very strong crush. jeongguk had tried to let go of it, but it never really worked. so he gave up. only his friends yoongi, hoseok, namjoon, jimin and seokjin knew about it. taehyung didn’t and he intended to keep it that way. he was 22 now, and it’s been 5 years since he’s been in love with his best friend.

 

“no way. hyung, i really want to, but i can’t. he has haseul.” jeongguk sipped on the coffee that taehyung had made him just a few minutes ago when he walked into the cosy cafe.

 

“jeongguk, don’t be stupid. you have to tell him before he makes a move on her. they have been together for what… 6 years? he’s 24, she’s 25. they might want to settle soon. then it’s over for you, you know.” yoongi said honestly. jeongguk was used to his honesty. he knew yoongi told him things as they were, he always spoke his mind. even though it stung his heart, he knew the older was telling the truth.

 

“not everyone wants to act on their crush, hyung.” jeongguk said, still staring at taehyung with a fond expression he didn’t know he had on.

 

“yeah, alright, so what do you spend your time with while you’re waiting for him? daydreaming about him kissing you, i bet.” yoongi scoffed.

 

“yeah, but… you know, maybe i just want him to kiss and fuck me because i can’t have him… what if… we kiss and do these things and then it’s all gone? i’d rather wait until this goes away and i find someone who gives me the same thrills without being unavailable. he’s my best friend, hyung.” jeongguk tore his gaze away from taehyung and glared at yoongi. he was honestly afraid to say anything to taehyung. he knew how much of a risk it would be to tell his best friend about his feelings. he could lose everything. and what if taehyung likes him back? would jeongguk feel the same then too? or is it just the fact that he can’t have him?

 

“honestly, kid, i don’t think that’s the case with you. you might not understand it yet, you’re young, but the way you care about him and talk about him and how everything is about him for you, now that goes beyond the kind of feelings you think you have for him. i can’t talk you into it, you’ll have to realise on your own. you’ll have to grow up yourself, mature emotionally before you can fully understand the extent of your feelings.” yoongi sighed, shaking his head, leaning forward on his forearms on the table.

 

“i think you’re wrong. but thanks for worrying hyung. i think i know what i’m feeling. but you’re only 4 years older than me. don’t act like you have so much wiseness stuck into you. in those 4 years you have beyond me were spent with you trying to learn to speak, walk and then go to nursery to socialise with other kids your age. so chill, grandpa.” jeongguk said, sipping his coffee through the straw of his cup.

 

“whatever, you brat.” yoongi slapped jeongguk’s arm slightly. “the boys and i will be here to catch you if you fall. i hope you know that.” he continued, his voice lower and more serious, less joking than before, even though he wasn’t really joking before either. “i just… hope you don’t break too much. tae is planning the proposal. it’s all he’s been talking to the rest of us about.” yoongi looked deeply into jeongguk’s eyes. that’s how he knew the older was turning more and more serious by the minute. but jeongguk started choking on the sip of coffee he had in his mouth.

 

“why doesn’t- h-he talk to me about-- uhhmm-- about this? i’m his b-best-- ahem-- friend.” jeongguk felt sad and shocked. he was coughing so hard that taehyung looked over and immediately stepped out from behind the counter, walking up to them with a worried facial expression. well, more like he ran up to them. he didn’t have his uniform on, which was just a black apron. that meant he was finishing up anyway. he instead had a jacket, scarf and beanie on.

 

“guk, are you alright?” taehyung asked, worry in his voice. the nickname always made jeongguk’s heart speed up. he just nodded while still coughing, but taehyung wasn’t having it. he hit the younger’s back several times. yoongi was just watching them amusedly.

 

“thank you, hyung.” jeongguk said when he stopped coughing.

 

“my coffee almost killed y-” taehyung started, but yoongi interfered.

 

“your coffee is all he lives on, tae. would you really be surprised if that’s how he got killed? it’s more likely than anything else killing him.” yoongi said, with a playful smile on his face.

 

“shut up, hyung.” taehyung said, rolling his eyes, sitting down next to jeongguk. he put his hand on the younger’s thigh. they were already in their own bubble, their own planet that had its own orbit, sun, moon and gravity, which, according to their friends, was pulling them close to each other like a magnet. so the two didn’t see yoongi with the biggest smirk on his face.

 

“so… you ready to go, guk? i’m done now. all yours for the rest of the evening.” taehyung smiled with that boxy smile of his. jeongguk’s heart sped up as he heard the nickname and the last sentence.

 

all yours.

 

it echoed in his head, reverberating off of the walls of his mind, jumping around, swimming in it. oh how he wished it wasn’t just for the rest of the evening, as friends. he really did.

 

yoongi kicked jeongguk’s leg slightly, under the table so taehyung didn’t see it. it was a kind of kick that said ‘answer, you brat. you’re staring.’

 

“okay, yeah, i’m ready. let’s go.” jeongguk tried to smile but he thought he probably looked more constipated than anything.

 

so they stood up from the table, walking out of the cafe, and saying bye to the oldest as he take a different direction towards his house. they were alone for the rest of the night.

 

when they got to jeongguk’s door in the block of flats, it was dark. jeongguk was fumbling with his keys as he couldn’t find the lock. taehyung took the keys out of his hand, making their fingers brush up against each other, the younger’s skin immediately burning up under the touch of taehyung. he felt fire lighting up in his chest. he was glad it was dark because his cheeks were burning, as if the metaphorical fire’s flames reached up and licked the skin on his face.

 

“you know, it’s funny because you’re the one who lives here, yet i can still open this door better than you.” taehyung said as he heard the click of the lock and opened the door, pushing it open in front of the younger, encouraging him to walk in first.

 

so the younger did, while he scoffed, and turned the lights on, his eyes feeling attacked at the sudden change of lighting.

 

they walked further down the hall of the small apartment, shedding their jackets and shoes. it was cold outside, having been approaching winter in late november of the year. jeongguk turned up the heating, went into the kitchen, with taehyung behind him.

 

“do you want anything to drink?” jeongguk asked, looking over at taehyung who was trailing behind him. the tip of the older’s nose was pink from the cold, and jeongguk found it endearing.

 

“yeah. a warm tea would be nice.” taehyung smiled, his cheeks becoming more defined and puffed out. jeongguk didn’t know how many more smiles he could survive before he lost control and kissed the living daylights out of the older.

 

jeongguk just nodded, putting some water in a kettle and placing it on the stove. while waiting for the water to boil, he turned around, leaning against the kitchen counter and looking at taehyung who was standing, with arms crossed, in the doorframe.

 

“why didn’t you tell me?” jeongguk asked quietly.

 

“about what?” taehyung’s comfortable facial expression changed into a confused frown.

 

“that you’re planning to propose to haseul.” jeongguk’s mouth felt bitter as he said her name. it’s not that he didn’t like her, but just the fact that taehyung was hers and not his. it was fucking stupid liking a straight guy. jeongguk really hated his heart for falling for someone as straight as taehyung. it couldn’t have been a more cliche narrative, that he fell for a straight guy, who was namely his best friend. it felt so cheesy that he was confused that it was his life and not some cable tv drama that was aired every single evening on the nation’s most famous channel.  

 

“i-uh…” taehyung felt awkward and speechless. he visibly didn’t expect to be asked that question.

 

“tae, i-” jeongguk sighed, pausing, then continuing. “i’m supposed to be your best friend. i should’ve been the first one you told.”

 

“i’m sorry, okay? i… i was just scared. you’ve always been so weird around each other. you think i don’t see you two glaring at each other when you think i’m not looking. maybe you don’t even know you’re doing it, but… you two do that a lot and it’s just… i feel like you don’t like her. i feel like i’m making a great mistake, like you’re going to hate me if i propose to her.” taehyung explained with a defeated tone.

 

“tae, you know i’ll always support you. she’s a great person. you two really deserve each other. i’m happy for you…” liar. you’re a liar, jeongguk. “but i wish you didn’t hide this from me.” jeongguk shook his head. why are you lying to your best friend, jeongguk?

 

“it’s not my fault you two just give me weird vibes when you two are close to each other...” taehyung responded, raising his voice defendingly. then some kind of facial expression washed over his face. “are you two fucking?” taehyung asked, his voice breaking, a confused brow raise on his face.

 

“what the fuck, taehyung? no! fuck no. i swear.” jeongguk said. how stupid was that? him? straight? funny. joke of the year, decade, century, eon.

 

“yeah? prove it. every sign is telling me you are.” taehyung seemed to be a bit angry now. but he was good at concealing his feelings.

 

“i’m gay, taehyung.” jeongguk said. he had never come out to him. he never came out to anyone. he just assumed everyone knew. why did non-straight people have to come out? he never understood. he lived his life in a way that he assumed everyone knew.

 

taehyung’s facial expression immediately dropped. he seemed relieved. and like he was realising things.

 

“o-oh?” was all taehyung could say.

 

“i just… thought you knew. i hope this doesn’t change anything between us.” jeongguk said, worry in his voice that he was going to lose his best friend over this. korea wasn’t the most progressive place and for all he knew, knowing his luck and all, taehyung might have been his first friend who didn’t accept his sexuality. because, well, he was the only straight guy in their friendship circle. did taehyung know that? he must’ve. he had to. jeongguk doubted he wouldn’t know the sexuality of his friends, especially considering that they all have been friends for at least 2 years.

 

“n-no! no, that’s great, guk. that’s… amazing. i’m- i… i’m sorry for not realising. i mean. of course it doesn’t! if anything, i just love you even more now. it shows that you trust me. thanks for trusting me.” taehyung smiled, in shock, but happy. he walked closer to jeongguk and stopped about 5 inches away from the younger. “c-can i hug you?” taehyung asked, opening his arms.

 

jeongguk just smiled and opened his own arms, letting himself be swallowed by the older’s arms. he could feel taehyung’s heartbeats against his own. he hoped taehyung wasn’t paying attention to his, because it was speeding up by every passing second.

 

when they were distancing themselves from each other, their cheeks touched while moving away, but they slowed down with their movements as their lips were close. both of their lips were agape, as if waiting for a kiss. the older looked up into the younger’s eyes and jeongguk swore he saw something in his eyes. like want. desire. but not sexual. just longing. they were staring down at each other’s lips and stealing glances of each other’s eyes.

 

but jeongguk leaned away and so did taehyung. the magic of the moment was gone. jeongguk swore he was going to throw up. but he instead busied himself with making the tea, taehyung disappearing into the living room. well, this was awkward.

 

later on, they started watching a movie. regardless of what happened earlier, they were still holding each other close, with taehyung’s hand around jeongguk’s shoulders whose head was on the blonde’s.

 

when the film ended, jeongguk cleaned up the tea mugs. taehyung was ready to leave. it’s how it always was. he never slept over at his house. he wanted to ask taehyung, but with all the weird moments happening between them that day, he didn’t want to put even more gasoline on the fire.

 

so when taehyung was in the doorway, scarf around his neck, beanie hiding his hair, jacket hugging his tall body, they smiled at each other warmly.

 

“i’ll see you next week.” taehyung spoke up quietly, trying not to disturb the other tenants of the block of flats. jeongguk knew that taehyung knew the walls were thick, but he guessed he was just trying to create an intimate moment, since that’s what it felt like.

 

“okay. i’ll visit you a few times, as always.” jeongguk smiled, revealing his teeth. then taehyung did something unexpected. he looked down, jeongguk’s gaze following his, and saw him looking down at their hands that were close together. taehyung reached for jeongguk’s, and took his fingers between his own. he stroked the knuckles, and slowly looked up at jeongguk, lips hiding behind his scarf.

 

“okay.” taehyung said quietly. they stared at each other silently. there were so many unclear emotions swirling in the older’s irises that they younger couldn’t figure them out. what was taehyung doing? “goodnight.” he said after what seemed like an eternity. in reality, it was only 3 minutes.

 

“goodnight. take care, hyung.” jeongguk answered, pulling the left corner of his mouth up in an attempt to smile slightly at the older.

 

“bye.” taehyung said and turned around, looking back up while he was going down the stars, then disappearing below the ground of the floor jeongguk lived on.

 

what the fuck just happened?

 

***

 

jeongguk didn’t get any sleep that night, trying to wrap his head around what was happening. it was so confusing. taehyung had never been like this before. was he trying to play with his feelings now that jeongguk told him he was gay? did he… maybe have feelings for him before and now he was experimenting whether they were real or not? jeongguk groaned in frustration. he didn’t understand.

 

so he called namjoon.

 

“hello?” namjoon’s groggy voice boomed through the speakers of jeongguk’s phone.

 

“i’m sorry to wake you at this hour, but i can’t sleep. taehyung confuses me.” jeongguk said quietly.

 

“ah, kookie, what happened?” namjoon was starting to wake up. he had always told the younger to call him any time of the night if he needed him. so jeongguk never felt bad about calling him because there were nights namjoon woke him up to talk to him for hours about something on his mind.

 

“he… i told him i was gay and… he started being so affectionate and weird. while i was making some tea for the two of us, we hugged when i told him i was gay, and then our faces brushed and he- he almost kissed me. then he cuddled me throughout our weekly movie night. when he left, he stood in the door for 10 minutes and then he reached for one of my hands, took it in his so softly and stroked my fingers while looking at me. what the fuck do you think is going on? i’m so frustrated because i seriously don’t understand.” jeongguk said, holding the phone to his ear with one hand, holding his forehead with the other one and looking up at the ceiling.

 

“i swear if you don’t call him right now and tell him… jeongguk, seriously? there was a moment where you saw some kind of realisation hit him, right?” namjoon asked.

 

“y-yeah…?” jeongguk’s answer was more like a question. he did remember the face taehyung made when the younger told him about his sexuality. a realisation?

 

“kookie, i need you to be sure.” namjoon said with a warning tone. it was no time to be unsure.

 

“he did seem to be realising something. you know how he looks when he just processed something.” jeongguk said, sighing, squeezing his eyes together, the hand on his forehead now on the bridge of his nose, pinching the skin.

 

“i’ll tell you what he realised. that you like him. that your affectionate nature is only existing when you’re with him. you know if it was anyone else being gay, then he wouldn’t be thinking this, he isn’t one of those people who assume that the gay person is in love with them, because when i came out to him, he was nothing like he is with you. but he just realised what those looks are that you always give him. you aren’t slick, jeongguk. everyone notices, but his oblivious hetero, bi-curious ass.” so taehyung did know about their other friends’ sexuality.

 

“this is stupid, joon hyung. it’s not that obvious.” jeongguk turned on his bed, facing away from the wall next to his bed.

 

“it is, kookie. you need to tell him. he’s going to propose.” namjoon’s tone was warning.

 

“i-i can’t. he won’t want anything to do with me. he’ll realise that this is why i always glare at haseul.” the younger responded, sighing. this situation was impossible. it was messing with his head.

 

“i love you, jeongguk, but sometimes you’re a right dumbass. he’ll probably accept you. he’s awkward, kookie, but he’s your best friend. if he truly loves you then he’ll try to move forward, not kick your ass and end your friendship. he’s mature, you know. the image you’ve got in your head about him doesn’t do him any justice. give the guy some credit.” namjoon moaned, shuffling in his bed.

 

“i just… can’t risk it, joon. what we have is special. it means more to me than some stupid crush.” jeongguk muttered.

 

“okay. it’s your decision. if you need us when your heart is broken, we’ll be here. but just know you should tell him.” namjoon answered quietly. “he has feelings for you, kookie.”

 

“yeah. he loves me. as a friend. that’s it. that’s the only thing he has ever felt for me.” the younger reacted.

 

“you’re so damn wrong.” namjoon scoffed.

 

“why? did he say those exact words to you? that he has feelings for me, more than platonic ones?” jeongguk questioned namjoon because he didn’t believe it one bit.

 

“no. but i know he does. we all do. we’re like… 99% sure.” namjoon was surely nodding, or at least jeongguk imagined.

 

“that’s not enough, hyung. that’s never enough. i need to be 101% sure.” jeongguk objected.

 

“ugh, kookie being a perfectionist as always. you know what? fine. don’t tell him. god, you ass. you’re so… stubborn.” namjoon sighed, giving up.

 

“i am. this is important to me. i can’t just throw this out there, in his head, and then not be afraid of it backfiring and exploding on our friendship.”

 

“okay.” the line stayed quiet for a while after that.

 

“anyway, thank you, hyung. i’m sorry for waking you up. go back to sleep, alright?” jeongguk’s voice went from angry to caring.

 

“it’s okay, kookie. love you, okay? goodnight. try to get some sleep.” namjoon said. the line disconnected. jeongguk threw his phone onto his drawer next to his bed, and turned to face the wall.

 

how the fuck was he going to get over this?

 

 

***

 

 

on the following tuesday, jeongguk was pushing the door of the cafe taehyung worked in.

 

even though every time he entered, his heart filled with warmth, at the same time, he felt sad. taehyung had so much more potential than this. but unfortunately, his parents couldn’t pay for his university, especially after his father died and his mother had a shitty job. so he just found a part-time job, and this was his third. he worked as a pizza delivery guy before, and then at a restaurant, but he was always mistreated. taehyung left his jobs when jeongguk found him with his boss shouting taehyung’s head off of his neck, for something he didn’t do. taehyung always found comfort in jeongguk’s arms and jeongguk always told him to quit his job if he was mistreated. he always protected the older. he always got taehyung a different job.

 

jeongguk’s family had always had the money to pay for his tuition at university, so jeongguk got a degree in hair and beauty. a year later, about 10 months into his first job as a hairdresser, he took a course and became a stylist too, so he started working for an entertainment company, bighit, where he worked as a personal stylist and hairdresser. they trained him to be able to do makeup too, so he was an all-around person who made sure idols looked great. he got paid a lot. he always tried to help taehyung out with it.

 

but taehyung wasn’t so lucky. jeongguk wished he could give every single won he earned to taehyung. but he needed to live too. so if taehyung was with him, all money came out of the younger’s wallet and his only. taehyung felt bad, but jeongguk insisted. he was his best friend. the reason why he didn’t jump off the roof of his favourite rooftop garden.

 

you see, after not seeing a therapist anymore, jeongguk having stopped going after things seemed to be looking up, he fell into depression again while struggling with internalised homophobia. him and taehyung’s favourite place in the city was the so-called ‘sky garden’, a rooftop space that had its own bar open during the day. the two boys always went there in the night to look at the stars and talk about life, to catch up. so jeongguk decided that he wanted to jump off of that rooftop. he had disappeared for days, in this amount of time his phone battery dying and simply avoiding home. that’s how that night, taehyung found jeongguk on the rooftop, contemplating jumping off in a couple of minutes. he was lucky taehyung got there on time. taehyung was lucky he got there on time. they cried into each other’s arms for hours.

 

if it wasn’t for jeongguk’s long-term best friend, he wouldn’t be alive at the moment he walked into the cafe.

 

taehyung’s face immediately lit up as he saw the brunette who had round glasses on top of his nose. they smiled at each other as a way of saying hello, and jeongguk got into the queue. soon it was his turn. there were two tills open, but jeongguk let someone get in front of him in order to be served by taehyung.

 

“taehyung hyung, hi.” jeongguk said. he didn’t have to say what coffee he wanted. taehyung just knew. “with that caramel cream frappuccino, could i also please get a matcha green tea creme frappuccino?” jeongguk asked, smiling.

 

“yeah, of course. my favourite.” taehyung said and told jeongguk the price. the younger paid and then after giving jeongguk his receipt, taehyung went up to the machine to make the brunette’s orders. soon the blonde man placed the two drinks on the counter. jeongguk was the last one in the queue so he had time to chat. “who is my favourite drink for?” taehyung smiled. there was something in his eyes. but it confused the younger because he didn’t know what it was.

 

“you. your lunch break is due. come sit down with me, i got us some food.” jeongguk said with a smile growing on his face.

 

“wait- oh, yeah, true. shit, okay. i’m coming.” taehyung got excited, grabbed their drinks and sat down at a table with jeongguk, next to a window. it was raining outside.

 

taehyung reached above jeongguk’s head and pushed his black hood down, which the younger didn’t realise he didn’t do earlier. taehyung was so pretty like that. so fucking pretty.

 

“okay, so i got you… japchae from your favourite place not too far away from here, and i got myself a large meal of tteokbokki. anyway, here you go.” jeongguk said, taking food containers out of a paper bag and placing one in front of taehyung and then himself. he took two pairs of chopsticks out of the bag and placed it on the table.

 

“you’re too nice, guk.” taehyung sighed with a fond expression on his face.

 

“shut up and enjoy your food now, will you?” jeongguk smiled. taehyung rolled his eyes, teeth coming out as he let himself smile. “your smile is like sunshine, hyung.” jeongguk said, smiling lovingly.

 

“w-what?” taehyung asked, eyes wide like a deer in the headlights, a pink colour tinting his face.

 

“it’s so nice to see you smile. it makes me happy. i need to see you always be happy.” jeongguk smiled, also making himself blush.

 

taehyung’s eyes were still dilated from shock at first, but then he started smiling so warmly and differently, in a way jeongguk hasn’t seen before, he felt special for being able to witness taehyung’s beauty.

 

the older just muttered a ‘thank you’ and they started eating.

 

that’s when jeongguk decided.

 

 

***

 

 

“hoseok hyung, would you please help me set up a funding page? i wanna start a campaign, but i have no idea how.” jeongguk spoke down the phone, chewing on his pinky finger’s skin and looking at his laptop screen.

 

“ah, kookie-ah, what is the theme of the campaign?” hoseok had asked with enthusiasm filling his voice.

 

“i want to get some money for taehyung hyung to be able to go to uni. he deserves it so much, i’m tired of seeing him work shitty jobs. he saved my life, hyung. i need to save his.” jeongguk said with want in his voice. he just wanted to make taehyung happy and successful so he didn’t have to work for a small amount of money for the rest of his life. knowing taehyung, he would’ve settled for that because he believed he was dumb, that he had no potential apart from being humiliated by his bosses and finding new jobs every few months.

 

“that’s so nice of you! why are you asking me, though?” hoseok’s voice changed to curious.

 

“since you’ve done this kind of thing before. how many charities did you work for exactly…? like 7000? you did a lot of these.” jeongguk joked, but he was serious at the same time.

 

hoseok was a creative manager for an advertising company, and he had worked with many charities on projects that would help popularise those charities. for some reason, these charity clients kept increasing in number, hoseok finding more and more organisations wanting to work with his company, and in particular, with him, after a largely successful global campaign with unicef. he had also worked a lot on fundraising because of a temporary position offer from another charity, that hoseok decided to help out with as a volunteer, since he has always been a kind soul. so he definitely knew the ins and outs of the logistics of fundraiser campaigns and charity.

 

“yeah, yeah, okay, i get it. okay. well, you have to show your audience a reason to donate towards your project. so what are the reasons taehyung deserves his university fees to get funded?” hoseok asked.

 

“he’s so smart. he knows so many things i don’t. he’s a great music writer and producer, but without a degree, no one pays attention to his stuff. he’s also been mistreated in his jobs, his pay is shit and he can’t work all of his life in these jobs.” jeongguk said, upset. taehyung had always had a passion for music, trying to produce songs from the minimal equipment and budget he had. but unfortunately, no one cared until a company could help him start his career up. the thing is, those companies didn’t care about him as a writer and producer until he had a degree. it was a fucked up and unfair industry, the world of entertainment, but it was the harsh reality.

 

“alright, here’s what you should do. get some proof for these. attach videos to the page. he’s smart? show people. record some of his music he produced. show off all his good sides, you know? just prove that he’s in need of support.” hoseok said. “of course, you have to offer them something in exchange, but that’s up to you to decide.”

 

“okay. this is useful, thank you hyung.” jeongguk said, truly thankful.

 

“if you need anything else, let me know, yeah?” the older asked.

 

“thank you. yes, i will. thank you. talk to you later.” jeongguk said bye and as soon as he heard hoseok say goodbye too, he ended the call.

 

over the course of the next few days, he set up the page. he had asked taehyung to do things for him, taking videos of everything he thought was interesting and important. taehyung looked at him questioningly every single time, but he just went with what jeongguk asked of him. he was his best friend, and whatever he was up to, he was going to know about it sooner or later.

 

on the thursday of the week, he opened the fundraiser page he had set up. he tweeted it to his 7236 followers, shared it on his facebook, snapchat, instagram, weibo, and many other websites. the goal was $36,000 worth of won, since each semester cost $6,000, and there were two per year, and the course was three years. it added up to $36,000.

 

he was checking it throughout the day, when he had the time in between getting different idols ready for performances.

 

it was slowly going up, earning $1,000 in a day, by the time jeongguk and taehyung’s friday evening rolled around. jeongguk was happy. it was making a progress. but he only wanted to tell taehyung when he got all the funds.

 

that night, when he was getting ready for taehyung to come around, he got a call. a call that ruined his whole evening.

 

“guk-ah, i’m sorry, but i can’t make it tonight. haseul is in seoul for the weekend. and you know. i want to… um… propose.” taehyung whispered the last word into the mic of his phone.

 

“oh, i… um, don’t worry. i hope everything goes well, hyung. i really hope she says yes.” jeongguk said with an encouraging tone.

 

“thank you, guk. love you. i’ll let you know what happens.” taehyung was smiling, jeongguk could just feel it. all of his senses were tingling. he just knew the older was smiling.

 

“okay. bye, tae.” jeongguk said and ended the call.

 

that night, he broke down.

 

it started with a few tears here and there, but as he sit down to watch the movie him and taehyung had watched a few weeks ago, one taehyung said he loved, he started sobbing.

 

this was it. this really was it. the end of his chance.

 

taehyung really loved haseul. he often worked extra shifts in the weekends and some weekdays jeongguk didn’t see him to save money up for a beautiful diamond ring. jeongguk wished it was him. he so wished haseul didn’t exist. but she made him happy. she was able to make him fall in love. jeongguk was a man. taehyung was straight. he didn’t have the ability and power to do that. he was powerless.

 

when he opened up his laptop, trying to find some distraction, he saw the fundraiser has reached its goal. he checked his twitter and saw that his tweet blew up as an artist from bighit who followed him and was good friends with quoted the tweet, encouraging people to donate. he messaged the singer, fighting the tears. he had one thing to be happy about. his taehyung was going to uni.

 

and getting married.

 

he started crying again.

 

he picked up the phone and dialed hoseok’s number.

 

“hi, kookie, what’s up?” hoseok said, cheerful as ever. there was some music coming from the speakers of jeongguk’s phone. hoseok was probably at a party.

 

“h-hyung… the fundraiser reached its goal… it’s complete.” jeongguk was trying really hard to not cry down the phone to hoseok.

 

“that’s amazing! when are you telling tae?” hoseok asked. jeongguk admired how he was always interested in what his friends had to say. he could’ve been in a middle of a party, like now, and still care. jeongguk adored hoseok for that.

 

“i-i don-don’t k-know…” but jeongguk broke down. he started sobbing again.

 

“kookie-ah, hey, hey, what’s up?” hoseok’s voice mirrored worry. he must’ve gone to a quieter place because the music’s volume decreased.

 

“he’s-he’s g-going to pro-propose to her t-this w-weekend, hyu-hyung…” jeongguk’s voice was choked up, he could barely speak. he was sobbing, hiccupping, and shaking at the same time.

 

“do you want me to come over with jin hyung and jimin-ah?” hoseok asked, voice quiet and anxious.

 

“p-please…” jeongguk tried his best to calm down.

 

“okay, be there in 30. i love you, kookie-ah, please, just stay where you are.” hoseok said and hurriedly ended the call.

 

jeongguk didn’t care about anything anymore. his phone fell out of his hands. he didn’t bother putting it down nicely on the coffee table of the living room. he didn’t care. he could buy another one. but he was about to lose his one and only taehyung.

 

jeongguk felt selfish. he should’ve been happy for his best friend. why was he such a self-centered idiot? this was about taehyung, not him. it was his big moment, where he was going to ask his girlfriend to spend her life with him, and later on have babies with her, then grow old together, have grandkids, and just make a family together. jeongguk wanted to be her. why couldn’t he be straight too? it would’ve been much easier. he wouldn’t have fallen for his best friend. he wouldn’t feel like wanting to not wake up anymore. he wouldn’t be jealous of a nice, beautiful girl. he wouldn’t be so heartbroken. he wouldn’t have to drag his other friends out of parties just to come and comfort him. he was such a crybaby. why couldn’t he just grow up?

 

jeongguk’s train of thought and sobs were interrupted by the ringing of the doorbell. he dragged himself up to the door, where his other friends, hoseok, jimin and seokjin stood. they immediately pulled him into a hug.

 

later on, it turned out the three older men brought pizza, ice cream, drinks and cuddles. the four things that made jeongguk happy when he was feeling down. his heart felt warm at the nice gesture. he was surrounded by amazing people.

 

why couldn’t he be in love with hoseok? he was gay. why couldn’t he love jimin? he was pan. why couldn’t he love seokjin? he was bi. or yoongi? he was pan. or namjoon? he was gay. why couldn’t he fall in love with someone else?

 

soon he realised. taehyung was his soulmate. they had been through so much. how could he not love him? he was jeongguk’s everything. his role model, best friend, therapist, barista, favourite human in the world and the list could go on.

 

they had spent the night with having fun. they listened to music, did karaoke, smoked weed, played video games, played cards, made up their own stupid games.

 

the next day, as jeongguk woke up after a soul-lifting night, the first notification on his phone said ‘ SHE SAID YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ’. jeongguk smiled. taehyung was happy. he supposed he should be too.

 

 

***

 

 

days later, jeongguk went to the cafe as usual, but with different intentions. he was going to tell taehyung about the fundraiser.

 

he walked into the cafe, the smell of freshly made coffees hitting his nose as soon as he opened the door, letting the bell above it jingle. taehyung was due for finish his shift.

 

there was no line, so jeongguk walked up to the till and no one was behind it. however, as if taehyung felt his senses tell him to come out of the back, he appeared, handsome as ever, walking towards the till with a soft smile on his face.

 

“guk-ah! it’s great to see you.” taehyung seemed to be glowing.

 

“hyung, it’s great to see you too. are you finishing soon?” jeongguk smiled.

 

“yeah! i was actually going to get rid of my apron and get ready to leave but i just wanted to check if there was anyone else waiting to be served before i closed up.” taehyung said, smiling so hard his teeth were visible.

 

“oh, sorry. don’t worry about my coffee then.” jeongguk said dismissively.

 

“no! no. i always have time for making you one.” taehyung said and walked up to the coffee machine, pressing buttons that jeongguk didn’t understand. two minutes later, he had his caramel cream frappuccino. he paid for it, then taehyung closed the shop.

 

for once, they decided to go taehyung’s instead of jeongguk’s, on a wednesday. it was quite a rare occasion.

 

“so, how are you, guk?” taehyung smiled as they took their coats and shoes off in taehyung’s even smaller flat. they didn’t really talk on the way there since it was 2 minutes away from where the cafe was.

 

“i’m good. i have to tell you something. i hope you’re well to hear it.” jeongguk smiled. taehyung looked at him weirdly.

 

“o-okay? you’re freaking me out now.” taehyung said as they settled down in his small but cosy living room.

 

“don’t worry. i think you’ll be happy.” jeongguk sat down with his bag with him, pulling his laptop out and turning it on. when his laptop turned on and he typed in his password, the fundraiser page appeared on the screen immediately. “this is for you. just read it all.” jeongguk said, pushing the laptop in front of the older.

 

taehyung observed the screen for several minutes, seemingly not showing any emotion while jeongguk scrolled through his twitter feed, thanking people who responded to his tweet, saying they donated. when the older was done scrolling and reading, he turned over to face jeongguk, who immediately locked his phone, sat forward on the sofa and threw his phone down next to his legs. he smiled.

 

“gukkie, i- i don’t know what to say.” taehyung said, tears streaming down his face. some tears were already drying onto his face. he was probably crying as he read the page. “i-this is… amazing. so great. thank you. thank you. thank you. i owe you my life. i do. you’re the bestest friend, you mean so much to me.” the older continued, wiping his tears that didn’t want to stop falling.

 

“you’re very welcome.” jeongguk smiled with his happiest smile. taehyung’s reaction was priceless. he deserved it so much. he had struggled enough.

 

they hugged while taehyung cried his heart out and jeongguk shed some tears too.

 

“wow. i… thank you. i already owe you so much, and now this? how am i meant to repay you?” taehyung’s eyes were twinkling with tears. he laughed a little at what he said. jeongguk did too, dismissively waving his hands.

 

“it’s okay. i want the best for you. i’m tired of seeing you struggle. that’s all. if you’re happy, that’s enough for me.” jeongguk sighed happily.

 

the younger looked at taehyung. the older, once again as if it was a habit, reached up to the beanie jeongguk was wearing and touched it, moving it on the younger’s head.

 

“fixed it.” taehyung smiled softly, tears still streaming down his face. he was closer than jeongguk remembered. he could smell his sweet cinnamon-y fragrance. taehyung’s hand slowly slipped lower and lower on the younger’s head, reaching his brunette locks hanging out from under the beanie, and then his fingers traveled down to his jaw. taehyung seemed to be observing his hand and where it was, from very up close. he was stroking jeongguk’s skin on the side of his face.

 

jeongguk swallowed heavily. his lips fell open. his heart was beating so fast. if taehyung did anything else and he didn’t take his hand away, jeongguk was going to kiss him. he was going to tell him he loved him.

 

taehyung made the mistake of looking up into the younger’s eyes.

 

“i’m in love with you, taehyung.” the words were uncontrollably flowing out of jeongguk’s mouth. the younger put his hands on either side of taehyung’s face and pulled him in for a kiss. the older was more than willing to kiss him too. their lips had met in the dizzyingly sweetest kiss that either of them has experienced. their lips parted and soon their tongues had met each other for the very first time. lips wet, they slid and moved smoothly against each other. jeongguk was desperately holding onto the older’s cheeks. he never wanted to let go, just live in this moment forever. taehyung’s hands were on his ears, holding onto his head so surely.

 

jeongguk had felt it. he felt taehyung’s soul. he saw into it all that moment.

 

they had separated after what seemed like a thousand years.

 

“i-i’m sorry. this is my fault, i-” jeongguk was going to have a panic attack. “i’m sorry, tae. i’m sorry. i’m in love with you. i can’t do anything. i tried my best, i promise. i promise, i was trying my best to fall out of love with you, but you’re my soulmate, my best friend. i love you. i love you .” jeongguk’s last words were desperate. his vision was blurred by his tears.

 

“i’m sorry too. i shouldn’t have done that. it was the heat of the moment because i don’t feel anything for you, apart from platonic love.” taehyung said quietly, looking away from jeongguk.

 

“tell me, look into my eyes and tell me, that you didn’t feel anything just now. or am i just desperate? am i feeling things that are not there? is this what you’ve done to me?” jeongguk cried, standing up.

 

“jeongguk, i only love you platonically.” taehyung said, standing up, putting his two hands on jeongguk’s face again, making both of them look into each other’s eyes.

 

jeongguk kissed him again.

 

“please, baby…” jeongguk whispered into the older’s lips, slowly blinking, looking down at his lips then his eyes as their foreheads touched. “tell me you feel something too.” tears streamed down his face with cruel honesty. “tell me it’s not just me.” his heart was breaking. “baby, please, tell me.” jeongguk begged, kissing taehyung again.

 

“guk… i’m sorry. i can’t.” taehyung let go of him after the kiss.

 

jeongguk licked his salty lips wet from tears, accepting his fate. he nodded, wiping his tears harshly with the sleeves of his jumper. he put the laptop away into his bag, put his jacket and shoes on and left. taehyung hadn’t objected.

 

 

***

 

 

it happened four years ago. fours years ago, he kissed his best friend and fucked everything up.

 

after he left taehyung’s flat, he had given the fundraiser page to jimin so he could give it to taehyung. so he could go to uni and get a degree and make cash with something he enjoyed. jeongguk still cared, after what happened. if anything, jeongguk loved him more even though he knew he should’ve hated taehyung. but he couldn’t bring himself to. he loved that man more than anything, however painful the love was.

 

jimin had told jeongguk about how thankful taehyung was. seokjin texted him updates on how he was doing with uni.

 

because jeongguk moved to america.

 

he wanted to get as far away from taehyung as possible, even though it broke his heart. he had longed for moving on. he has been in america for almost four years, having moved there a month after everything about taehyung went down the drain of jeongguk’s life. he couldn’t believe what a cliche story his life was once again, with wanting to move away because he didn’t want to remind himself of a one-sided love. it sounded like a soap his parents would watch back when he was a kid. not so strangely, he learnt to disassociate himself from why he had moved to the distant country from the one that he grew up in, the one he had all his roots grown into. unfortunately, the pain dissolved the roots he grew into seoul throughout his life like a tree, and rather turned into an achor that could easily be pulled out. it hurt to leave his friends behind, but it needed to happen. he often found himself depressed if he didn’t change something in his life. changing was good, jeongguk knew that for a fact. it always made him feel like he could start with a clean slate.

 

he had found himself several other friends. they were sweet. they made him feel nice. but jeongguk wasn’t ever falling for another friend. it was stupid. he rather kept his distance with them.

 

to heal, jeongguk adopted a puppy, two years ago, a golden retriever he named peach. she was his source of happiness. she made him feel so happy. he loved living with her and taking her out on walks and doing things with her. her enthusiasm never failed to put the whole world in a better light. she filled his heart up with joy and jeongguk hoped he could make the cute dog feel the same way.

 

he closed himself off of social media, only having a few private accounts here and there. it was for the best.

 

jeongguk was hired by a company, doing the same thing as in korea, getting celebrities ready for events, being their stylist, or makeup artist, or hairstylist, or all of these at once.

 

he had met many celebrities, but it wasn’t a big deal. he just got on with his life, unbothered by the fame some people had. as long as he got paid well, he really didn’t care about famous people. it completely went over his head.

 

he really tried to move on, he did. truly. but he couldn’t help and feel sad sometimes, about things that could’ve been, would’ve been, should’ve been with taehyung. if it wasn’t for his lack of control over what came out of his mouth, he would still be there in seoul, happy as ever with taehyung by his side. even if he wasn’t happy, he would’ve had taehyung by his side. but moving away tore them apart. jeongguk thought it was for the best. but oh, he never felt so alone.

 

his only company was peach and his five friends on skype sometimes. and his friends in real life. but he felt empty. he missed taehyung so much, more than words could ever describe.

 

he tried kissing boys, he really did. he tried loving them, worshipping their lips and bodies, but no one was like his ex best friend. nothing felt right.

 

he was a nice person so he didn’t lead them on. he let them down lightly.

 

he didn’t know anything could be worse than not being able to fall out of love with taehyung. even with only images and distant memories of him in jeongguk’s head, he still made him dizzy. when jeongguk let himself daydream about the older, his heart sped up and he blushed. fortunately, no one paid attention to him in those moments.

 

but then he realised. it could be worse.

 

he was supposed to take care of the looks of an artist named ‘v’ for some kind of red carpet event and award ceremony. he was asked to do everything alone because he knew korean and v was a korean artist. the company who employed him told him that it would make the artist more comfortable to talk in korean, with someone korean. jeongguk happily accepted, since he was glad someone finally spoke korean, not just english. he was alright with speaking english, but sometimes he got a headache. even though it was like a second native language, he was glad when he got a break from it. he was afraid of forgetting korean one day.

 

when v walked in through the door of the wardrobe room of v’s management that jeongguk went to as asked, his jaw fell through the floor.

 

v was taehyung.

 

“g-guk-ah?” taehyung stopped dead in his tracks. his eyes were wide. jeongguk knew his own were too.

 

“taehyung-nim. hi.” jeongguk said, barely being able to speak.

 

“taehyung-nim? really? is that how much you hate me now?” taehyung joked and jeongguk had to force himself to laugh because he really wasn’t in the mood to do so. his heart sped up.

 

all the younger wanted to do is jump into his arms.

 

tell him how much he had missed him. he wanted to ask how his life was going. he wanted to kiss him again. to feel him close. his self-control was unfolding again because of taehyung. all that power he built up to be able to control himself and his behaviour was completely getting destroyed again.

 

taehyung looked different.

 

he was wearing a plain shirt that looked white from a distance but as the light shone on it, it was a beautiful, glittery turquoise. the shirt wasn’t tucked into his black skinny jeans. his hair was a very dark brown, perhaps like his natural hair colour. he looked more like a fully grown male, more serious perhaps. his eyes were still sparkly. jeongguk looked for the ring on his finger, but it wasn’t there.

 

“h-how are you, hyung?” jeongguk sighed nervously, shaking himself out of the daze all the old feelings resurfacing had given him.

 

“i’m great, how are you…? gosh, it’s so great to see you, guk-ah.” taehyung said with relief and happiness showing in his voice and face.

 

“i’m good. it’s good to see you too.” jeongguk lied through a smile. he wasn’t happy. he was scared. everything he built was falling apart.

 

jeongguk worked hard to sort out taehyung’s appearance for some events he was going to attend. he really did. when he did, he was relieved.

 

“i-it was great seeing you again, guk-ah. we should… talk again.” taehyung sighed as he was ready to leave. they finished up a minute ago.

 

“y-yeah. i don’t think that’s a good idea.” jeongguk shook his head, playing with the sleeve of his black, oversized hoodie.

 

“wha-why?” taehyung responded, fully in shock. he looked disappointed.

 

“hyung, i don’t think it’s a good idea. the last time we spent time together, alone, outside of professional circles, we kissed while you had a fiance… a fiance, tae, for god’s sake! you’re out of your mind to think i’d want to hang out with you like that.” jeongguk was a bit angry. taehyung was so selfish.

 

“but why?” taehyung still didn’t understand, voice tainted with sadness.

 

“because you don’t know what i’ve gone through to forget about you. you are being selfish. i don’t want to see you taehyung. because i wouldn’t be able to control myself.” jeongguk huffed and looked away. “please go. i’ll see you when i have to get you ready for the red carpet and the award show. if you need my number, ask any of our friends.” jeongguk said quietly.

 

taehyung left.

 

jeongguk sat down in the chair in front of the lit-up mirrors that usually celebs sat in front of as they were made to look perfect before events. he would’ve bet all his money that no one has sat in front of those mirrors and cried their heart out like he did.

 

he was broken.

 

 

***

 

 

jeongguk went home and immediately dialed jimin’s facetime. he picked up in two rings. the mop of dirty blonde hair appeared on the screen, along with the brightest smile on the older’s face.

 

“kookie-ah. hey.” the older greeted, cheerful like most of the. jeongguk was so sure he was never going to change. he always had a positive outlook when it came to other people, jeongguk was just sad that he didn’t have the same outlook when it came to himself, always thinking he could do things better. but jeongguk never forgot to remind him that he was better in everything than he ever liked to give himself credit for.

 

“hyung. how are you?” jeongguk sighed, no energy to smile back at jimin.

 

“i’m good. is everything okay with you though?” jimin’s facial expression turned more serious. he seemed worried.

 

“no, hyung. i became taehyung’s stylist today.” jeongguk said, his throat closing up. he was barely able to get the words out of his mouth.

 

jeongguk ended up breaking down, crying silently. jimin tried to comfort him, but he couldn’t. he wasn’t there physically. so he tried to comfort him with his words.

 

“jeongguk-ah, i promise you. i’ll be there for you through all of this.” jimin said, voice broken, his tears flowing too.

 

jeongguk didn’t understand, but he thanked him. he told him off for crying, but jimin just said that if jeongguk was sad, he was sad too. the younger wondered how he found such an amazing friend. he was grateful for jimin, his ray of sunshine who was always there to brighten his days.

 

 

***

 

 

for days, jeongguk couldn’t reach jimin. he was worried. he had said he would be there for him. but he was nowhere. did he lie? why did he have to say that and then disappear?

 

but then he had asked yoongi, namjoon, seokjin and hoseok whether they knew where he was. for the first day, they said yes. then they said no. their worry seemed play-pretend. jeongguk was crying by the second day, begging seokjin to go to the police. he hated seokjin when the older said no, that ‘he’ll be okay, wherever he is’. jeongguk was angry at all of them for not trying. he had already lost someone important in his life, he didn’t need to lose his other best friend.

 

he didn’t have work, since he had some days off until the award ceremony taehyung was going to. he hadn’t left his house in days, just crying his heart out.

 

but then someone knocked on his door.

 

he dragged himself over to his front door, peach trailing behind him having been cuddling her on the couch. he opened it with tired eyes, teary cheeks, messy hair covered by the hood of his black jumper.

 

“how can i he-- hyung?” jeongguk asked but then he saw his shiny, soft-looking blonde hair, beautiful smile, and petite body in real life. he was in front of him. not on facetime. he came from all the way from korea.

 

“kookie.” jimin smiled, making his eyes almost close he was smiling so hard. he jumped into jeongguk’s arms, who quickly hugged him back, holding him as close as possible. his nose was in the older’s neck.

 

when they separated, jimin came inside the house. jeongguk was over the moon.

 

turned out that jimin flew himself over to america to see jeongguk, to help him through the hard times he was clearly going through. jimin told him that he had been planning to visit him for months, but now that the younger seemed to be in need of support, he decided to come. jeongguk honestly appreciated it so much. jimin was the best friend in the world. jimin told him to spill every one of his thoughts and feelings. so jeongguk did.

 

“i just… i tried so hard to forget him, only for him to walk back into my life like that and try to ruin everything again. i can’t let him close to me. i can’t.” jeongguk said, tears streaming down his face. “why can’t i fall for someone who loves me back?” jeongguk stared in front of himself, somewhere into space. he then felt a hand on his own pair of hands, and another one on his face, that pushed him to look in jimin’s direction.

 

the atmosphere changed as he saw how worried the older looked.

 

“you’ll be okay, i promise.” jimin breathed out, looking into the younger’s eyes.

 

jeongguk was dizzy. he didn’t think he was going to be okay.

 

“i don’t know.” jeongguk shook his head.

 

“i love you, jeongguk, okay? i’m here for you, always. i promise you that i’ll help you get through it all.” jimin said quietly and so softly that it helped jeongguk breathe for a minute.

 

“i just… i just feel so weak. like everything i built up trying to move on from him is slowly being bulldozed by his presence.” jeongguk responded, trying to calm down.

 

“i know this is going to sound downright stupid, but you have to listen to me.” jimin said, sighing. his eyes mirrored a fond facial expression. “arrange a meeting with him, text him and if anyone asks, say it’s for sorting out his clothes he’s going to wear or something. but you need to talk to him about the past. about how he’s been. how you’ve been. to try and catch up. don’t ask why, just trust me, okay? i want him to tell you about the changes in his life. you never ask us about him, so i might as well let him tell you everything. but there have been major shifts in his life in the past few years, and he hasn’t been the same, jeongguk.” jimin paused and then continued. “but i can tell you one thing. he’s lonely. he’s been burying himself into work, the only thing that seems to be putting a smile on his face.” the older let go of the younger’s face. “he misses you, i know that for damn sure. so please talk to him, even if it hurts, i know you’re strong. you just need to talk to him and be honest with him. that might help you ease the pain. see his side of things. two lonely people must equal to something other than lonely. or you can be lonely together. but what you had was special. please don’t let it go to waste, or you’ll be regretting it your whole life. letting go someone so special.”

 

jeongguk’s heart was beating weirdly in his chest. a lump in his throat was trying to force up the contents of his stomach to try and settle down in the pit of it, pulling down on it in his anxiety.

 

“please, jeongguk, say something. what do you think?” jimin stroked a lock of hair out of the younger’s face.

 

he thought about it quite hard, almost hard enough to cause him a headache. but honestly, he knew jimin was right. he should talk to taehyung, he should fix their friendship. because if jimin was right, taehyung felt like shit too about losing someone he’s known for so long. he knew he couldn’t hide from the past anymore. he couldn’t keep run away like a kid playing on the beach, trying to escape the tide of the sea of the waves were threatening to lick his legs. he couldn’t afford to live like this for his remaining days. he didn’t want to have regrets. he wasn’t a kid. he had to face those waves, and ride them, be in control of them like a surfer. he didn’t want to be just an audience member of his own life, waiting for things to happen and just be given to him. he had to be the director and take control. his stubborn, childish self wanted to say no, but he knew he couldn’t.

 

“i can try.” jeongguk responded breathlessly. he tried to control his breathing. the fact that the day had come when someone made him realise that he had to face his fears was making him very anxious. he was anxious about what talking to taehyung would be like.

 

“okay. be patient with yourself, alright?” jimin said and stroked jeongguk’s face. “it’ll be worth it.”

 

they cuddled for the rest of the day and fell asleep in jeongguk’s bed.

 

 

***

 

 

it was 3 am, and jeongguk couldn’t sleep. he woke up a few minutes ago after he had a nightmare. he broke out in cold sweat.

 

jimin was clinging to his side, his head on his chest, his arm around his waist and legs entangled with his. jimin’s cheeks were squished against jeongguk’s chest and he found his friend’s sleeping state quite cute.

 

he sighed as he carefully removed the older off himself and sat up on the side of the bed. he sighed, thinking for a moment before reaching for jimin’s phone on the nightstand.

 

he picked his own phone up along with jimin’s and went out into the living room to not bother the man on his bed.

 

he sat down on the sofa, peach joining him. the dog observed jeongguk’s actions. he smiled at her and scratched the back of her ear.

 

“what do you think, huh? should i contact him?” jeongguk sighed, looking into the dog’s eyes. peach was just wagging her tail and letting herself be scratched.

 

so jeongguk picked jimin’s phone back up. he pressed the unlock button and saw the lockscreen of the phone. it was a screenshot of a note on his phone. he read it.

 

the passcode is 101395. good luck <3

 

jeongguk smiled. jimin was expecting jeongguk to steal his phone in the middle of the night to get taehyung’s number.

 

he unlocked the phone and went into the contacts. he found taehyung’s number pretty easily. his contact name was ‘taetae ♥’. he tapped on the contact and revealed the number. jeongguk hastily typed it into his own phone and locked jimin’s phone after he added the number under the name ‘taehyung’. he tapped on the message option and started typing.

 

his hands were shaking but he’s never been so sure of something in his life. he wanted taehyung back in it, even if he would never like him back. he didn’t want to cut him out of his life again. destiny clearly wanted them together.

 

hi hyung. it’s me, jeongguk. i know, it’s kind of late, but i’ve been thinking and i can’t sleep. i think we should talk. there’s so many things i want to talk about with you. you were right. we should talk. we should catch up. maybe it would be good to do it in person? anyway, can’t wait to hear from you. - j

 

the message was short. he knew that the message would only find him when he woke up but he needed to get the weight off his chest, the one that was caused by the dilemma whether to text him or not. even though after the talk he had with jimin just a couple of hours ago he was pretty sure he was going to do it, he was afraid that he would just back out of it and get back into blissful ignorance.

 

but he couldn’t do that. not anymore.

 

he let out the breath he’s been holding ever since he started typing the message. he leaned back against the soft sofa, and cuddled peach with a relieved smile on his face.

 

surprisingly, his phone pinged in a matter of seconds. jeongguk jumped up and picked the device up. he was shaking again. or did it even go away? he didn’t know.

 

hi gukkie. it’s okay, i’m still up. i can’t sleep either. i want to talk to you about many things too. we have a lot to catch up on. are you free tomorrow? well, technically today. maybe at 2 in the afternoon? tae x

 

x? that meant a kiss, right? what the hell was taehyung doing?

 

but jeongguk excitedly typed a message back.

 

i’m free, it’s perfect. you’re probably famous enough that people would spot you, so how about we meet back where we met the other day?

 

jeongguk’s heartbeat picked up a faster pace as he saw the three dots come up on his screen, showing that taehyung was typing.

 

yeah, great. see you there and then. xx

 

there was two x’s at the end of the message now. was it a habit of taehyung’s, or…? or what was he doing?

 

jeongguk thought he was perhaps overthinking. so he stood up and walked back into his bedroom with the two phones, placing them back down on the nightstand and crawling back into bed to cuddle jimin. he knew it was weird to sleep in one bed with his friend but both of them were more comfortable resting in each other’s presence. both of them craved cuddles and warmth.

 

 

***

 

 

12 pm rolled around way too fast for jeongguk’s liking. he slept in until about 11, waking up to the smell of breakfast and an empty other side of the bed.

 

he sat up in his bed, stretching. he retrieved his phone off the nightstand and unlocked it, looking at the messages he had exchanged a couple of hours ago with taehyung. he wanted to make sure they were real and not just a hallucination of his mind in the 3 am emotional, post-nightmare haze.

 

the texts were very much real, which made him break out into a smile. he was nervous, but he was also happy. it was weird how he hadn’t realised how much he missed taehyung until now.

 

he got up from his bed, stretching once again and he walked out into the living room and kitchen area. it was in one room, only separated slightly. jeongguk discovered jimin as he was cooking something.

 

“good morning, sleepyhead.” jimin smiled and welcomed him with a cheerful voice.

 

“hey. what are you cooking? you really shouldn’t, you’re the guest. i should be the one doing this.” jeongguk questioned, feeling ashamed that the guest in his house had to be the one cooking just because he slept in.

 

“just some scrambled eggs. jimin style.” the older grinned, glancing at jeongguk. “and it’s okay. if it were you at my house, you would do the same. we’re not just friends, kookie. we’re brothers and we’re comfortable with it each other, right? so deal with it.” jimin scolded the younger, who clearly got the message and after a response of a quiet ‘okay’, the older continued speaking. “also, did you text tae?” jimin’s facial expression turned serious.

 

“yeah… yeah i did. at 3 am, but his response was like… immediate. said he couldn’t sleep either. so now i’m meeting him at 2 pm in his dressing room.” jeongguk sighed, leaning against the counter of the kitchen.

 

“oooh. that’s sooner than i thought, but that’s good, at least i don’t have to deal with this stressed vibe coming off of you. i love you, kookie, and i’ll always be here for you but… i’m just glad you’re giving yourself a chance to get rid of this tension between you and tae.” jimin said, turning the stove off and putting half of the scrambled eggs on one plate and the other half on the other one.

 

“yeah. i hope we can sort it out. but what are you doing while i’m absent?” jeongguk asked as he took two forks out of one of the drawers of the kitchen counter while jimin went up to the small breakfast bar that separated the living room from the kitchen.

 

“i mean, you live in los angeles, so i might as well go and discover some stuff?” jimin said as they started eating.

 

the conversation carried on, and jeongguk’s nerves have not settled. he assumed they wouldn’t for a while.

 

 

***

 

 

jeongguk was anxious. he was five minutes late to their meeting because he didn’t leave on time to go to taehyung’s american management company headquarters where his dressing room and also meeting space was. he paced around pointlessly in his room, trying to think of something to wear until jimin scolded him and chose something for him to wear so the younger stopped walking back and forth.

 

but he was about to open the door to the dressing room. he took a deep breath, trying to calm his fast paced heartbeats and pushed the handle down.

 

as he opened the door, taehyung looked up at him from a chair in front the mirror of the room. he was holding his phone in his hand but it didn’t seem to matter anymore.

 

jeongguk closed the door.

 

“hi.” he said quietly, waiting for the older to respond.

 

“hey, guk.” taehyung smiled softly, standing up and stopping in front of him.

 

“good to see you.” jeongguk replied breathlessly.

 

“good to see you too.” taehyung said and initiated a hug. the smile he was wearing made jeongguk’s heart jump into his throat and want to explode. he was feeling warmth take over his lungs. he was hoping that it wouldn’t overheat and burn because he was already having trouble with keeping his breaths steady.

 

he hugged back and it was like going back to a childhood home. the sweet and sour nostalgy sat on his tongue with a certain weight, as memories flashed behind his eyelids while he had his eyes closed and lost in the warmth of taehyung’s arms.

 

his cologne was sweet but strong, something jeongguk has never sensed before. but it was so him.

 

“so, um… let’s sit down. if you want to eat or drink anything, feel free to take some stuff from my snack stack table, i honestly don’t eat most of it and they always end up expiring and being thrown away. i don’t ever want things to go to waste but clearly, my managers don’t care.” taehyung sighed, pointing at the table in the corner of the room, packed full of bottles of water, some korean sweets and plenty of fruits.

 

jeongguk thanked him and they sat down.

 

they talked for hours without end. after a few minutes, they eased into conversations and it only got heavier once they touched sensitive objects.

 

they talked about what it was like for jeongguk to live in los angeles, whether he missed living in korea and his friends. he had told taehyung about jimin visiting him, at which the older’s eyes lit up and insisted that he would bring to see him sometime before both of them left to go back to korea and leave jeongguk alone once again.

 

they talked about how taehyung’s career has exploded all over the world.

 

after he received the donated money with the help of jimin, he applied to universities for the coming up academic year. he did three years, and in the last year, he started getting attention from companies after taehyung submitted some self-made tracks. he improved a lot in production and writing through his years at the university and entertainment companies quickly caught up on that. his last term of university was doing some work experience, and a few companies offered him the position of being a song producer. but after he was asked to collaborate with one of the company’s artists, people started picking up on his voice and talents in music. his company had asked him if he wanted to make his own album, and after saying yes and working on it for months, he released it, taking parts in promotions on music shows. and surprisingly, he had won a few music show awards. the support he got was bigger than he ever expected, and now he was a well-known solo artist. his company tactically put his global promotions in charge of a western record label, and with their help, he had become a worldwide success. taehyung seemed to be very happy talking about this.

 

but jeongguk had to ask about other things too. the questions he didn’t want to ask but he had to, because that was the purpose of their meeting. to sort things out between them. the questions were burning and scratching his throat, so he let them free. he would have to talk about more serious and personal things at some point, and he wanted to get it done and over with.

 

“so, uh. i just… i wanted to ask… how is haseul?” jeongguk said, waves of anxiety hanging themselves up on the back of his throat.

 

at this, taehyung seemed frozen. he seemed caught out, not entirely sure how to respond.

 

“she- we broke up four years ago, guk.” taehyung looked down at his lap where he was picking skin off the end of his fingers. he seemed anxious too.

 

what?

 

“you broke up? what, why? i-” jeongguk felt confused. very confused at that. he looked down on his lap, trying to process it. all this time, he thought they were together. all this time, he pained himself with the thoughts of them being happy and slowly planning on starting a family.

 

“you know exactly why, guk-ah.” taehyung interrupted and jeongguk looked back up at him with his mouth slightly agape.

 

“i don’t, i really don’t, i-” jeongguk didn’t know. does he mean… just because we kissed? or… something else?

 

“we kissed jeongguk. i couldn’t hide that from her. as soon as i told her the truth, which she deserved to know, she left and i haven’t seen her ever since. we kissed multiple times, do you think she would take being made a fool out of so lightly?” taehyung asked quietly.

 

“no…” the younger swallowed and looked down. “but i’m so fucking sorry, i didn’t mean to do that, i wanted the best for you…” he paused and squeezed his eyes together to try to collect himself. “i truly did. i’m sorry for fucking up. i was so fucking selfish. you know exactly how much i wanted the best for you.”

 

“i know. it’s okay.” taehyung said quietly.

 

“no, hyung. don’t be soft on me. i ruined your happiness.”

 

“no. no no no no. you didn’t. now stop blaming yourself before i slap you out of it.” taehyung threatened in a gentle voice. what a juxtaposition .

 

“i-i’m sorry…” jeongguk looked up and discovered that taehyung was closer to him than before. the older leaned forward in his chair and took jeongguk’s hands into his.

 

why is he doing this? he should hate me.

 

“it’s okay.”

 

quiet filled the room and jeongguk was willing to go to any extent for the tense silence to be gone. so he spoke up.

 

“i need you to know. i need you to know, tae, that i-i still love you-” jeongguk was speaking quickly, for he was scared that he would forget all the words and thoughts wanting to spill out of his head, so he just said whatever came to his mind.

 

“guk-”

 

“and i know. i know you don’t, and tha-that’s okay. but i just-”

 

“gukkie-”

 

“want you to know because you deserve the truth. i’ve been running from it but i can’t now and i promise, if you tell me to back off, i’ll never try again. you’re-”

 

“jeongguk-”

 

“still important to me, as a friend and as a person i’m in love with because you’ve always been my best friend and i love you. i’ve been trying to forget you, but destiny put us together again and i’m just thankful for this opportunity because now i can see everything clearly. i can see i still need you in my life. i hope you can forgive me and-”

 

“jeongguk!” taehyung squeezed the younger’s hands in his and raised his voice. jeongguk finally opened his eyes and looked at him, out of breath as if he had been running a marathon. well, his heart surely felt like it was. taehyung reached up to his face and wiped it. only then did jeongguk notice, that he was crying. “sssh. it’s okay. there’s nothing to forgive. you didn’t do anything wrong.” taehyung said, putting one of his hands on the back of jeongguk’s neck and pulling their foreheads together so he could force the younger to look at him because he was still avoiding his eyes.

 

“i just want this feeling to go away. for it to stop chewing on me before i fully just… become nothing.” jeongguk sighed. “because i already let us become nothing.” the younger turned his head away, his eyelids once again stitched together, tears escaping when he loosened them.

 

“we’re okay, guk. we’re so fucking okay. we’re not nothing. we’re still best friends, okay? and stop blaming yourself. you don’t control your feelings.” taehyung said, gently putting a hand on the younger’s cheek and pushing his head back to face him.

 

jeongguk broke down. he sobbed into taehyung’s arms, who held him tightly.

 

but taehyung was also holding his tongue.

 

 

***

 

 

days passed and the two felt warming up to being best friends again. they hung out a lot, often with jimin, whenever and wherever they could.

 

the awards show had passed and taehyung had hundreds of articles written about him, mostly because he apparently looked the best at the red carpet event and even the show. jeongguk was proud to know he was good at his job. his looks helped people pick up an interest in his music too.

 

but then came the day when taehyung was supposed to go back to korea.

 

taehyung came knocking at jeongguk’s apartment door and the younger let him in without hesitation. after a heart-wrenching hug, all three of them sat down on the sofa and talked for about an hour before taehyung got a text from his manager saying it was time to leave and go to the airport.

 

so he stood up, hugged both of them tightly. then they followed him to the door, and after jimin saying a last goodbye and ‘i’ll see you soon’, he left the two of them alone.

 

taehyung seemed to be nervous.

 

“i’ll miss you. we should… talk more. like every day.” jeongguk suggested quietly, his hands in his jogging bottoms’ pockets.

 

“yeah, i-uh… definitely.” taehyung looked up, flashing a weak and clearly fake smile before looking down again.

 

“are you okay?” jeongguk asked.

 

taehyung just hugged him so he hugged back. when they separated, taehyung put his hands on the younger’s cheeks and put their foreheads together. at first, his eyes were closed, and after a deep sigh, he opened them.

 

“i love you. i always have.” taehyung said, and before jeongguk had the opportunity to ask what he was on about, taehyung cut him off.

 

their lips touched and it was pure bliss. jeongguk’s whole body was trying to understand what was happening. his hands broke out in cold sweat, his heart was fluttering, his chest felt warm, and apart from their breaths and quiet noises of kissing, he could hear blood pumping through his veins a hundred miles per hour in his ears. he put his own hands on taehyung’s cheeks to hold him in place, in fear of him pulling away and the same thing happening as the last time they kissed. jeongguk’s eyebrows furrowed in pleasure, wanting to treasure every moment of the dreamworld he was in right now before it got crushed once again.

 

at first, it was just lips moving as one. but then, he felt taehyung’s tongue find his and it was just pure heaven. his tongue was hot, soft and sweet from the strawberries all of three of them ate just 20 minutes ago.

 

jeongguk was barely able to control himself. he put his right thumb on taehyung’s lower lip against his own, feeling as the two pairs moved in sync. he felt their lips moving together and it felt so real. taehyung started smiling as he felt the younger’s finger on their lips.

 

they finally let go as soon as their lungs were almost empty and in need of air. their foreheads were still against each other, eyes still closed, just panting.

 

“don’t go.” jeongguk said, shaking his head.

 

“move back to korea. come back to me.” taehyung asked him desperately.

 

“i-i can’t.” jeongguk said, squeezing his eyelids together. he felt hot tears collecting in his eyes.

 

“move in with me. i’m selfish and i-i’m desperate, but i love you. and i want you.” taehyung’s words were spoken fast, but clear.

 

“i-uh… just give me a few months, okay? i promise i’ll come back to you.” jeongguk said, considering his options in his head.

 

“okay.” taehyung said, kissing him once more.

 

not too long after, taehyung left.

 

 

***

 

 

it’s been a long 2 months since jeongguk has last seen taehyung in real life, so when he was on the plane, with the knowledge that his things were being shipped back to korea and he had a 20 kg heavy suitcase in the cargo compartment of the plane, he was more excited than ever. peach was being taken care of by another company he hired for transporting her, so he was not too anxious about her being okay either.

 

the journey to seoul was long, but it was worth it in the end.

 

a few days after, he was settled into taehyung’s house. the older was away for that time for some promotions but he finally came back after 3 days. by that time, jeongguk had settled in.

 

the key turned in the door and soon taehyung was walking into his house. if jeongguk wasn’t in the kitchen, where he could see the front door from, he would’ve known he was home due to the sound of the wheels on the suitcase turning against the cold marble tiles of the floor. but he was just cooking something, trying to distract himself from waiting unnerved.

 

as soon as his eyes locked with taehyung’s, he dropped everything and ran up to him. peach just followed him.

 

“baby… i missed you so much. it’s been too long.” taehyung muttered, warm breath against the younger’s neck as he buried his nose deep in it.

 

“i’m glad you’re here.” jeongguk answered. for some reason, tears started rolling down his face.

 

they both ended up crying on the floor, just holding each other until their sobs faded and laugh took their place.

 

 

***

 

 

jeongguk was worried. it’s like him and taehyung became strangers to each other just three months after they started living together.

 

jeongguk hadn’t known that taehyung haven’t told anyone outside of their friends about their relationship. but the younger noticed that every time he would want to go out with taehyung, it would always be the same excuses. taehyung didn’t want him to go to the studio with him to record songs, nor accompany him to photoshoots. taehyung seemed to be avoiding showing that they were together. it only caught up to jeongguk three months later that he has been dodging pda and all kinds of things like it for months now. and did he feel dumb.

 

taehyung was working until late, as he has been doing so for the past few weeks. it was always the same excuse with this too, but jeongguk knew the older was just avoiding him. was he afraid of something? was he doing something behind jeongguk’s back? had he meant it when he said he loved him back?

 

jeongguk knew he had to confront taehyung one day. he always ended up falling asleep alone and the next morning waking up to a kiss as taehyung was in a hurry to leave the house. but not a certain night. he didn’t let sleep take over him. hell, he could barely sleep for the past few days.

 

he heard the jingling of keys and the sounds of clothes being taken off. then he heard footsteps approaching. the door of the room slowly opened and there was taehyung, with messy hair and pyjamas on.

 

“why are you still awake, baby?” taehyung asked, looking like a deer in the headlights. he certainly didn’t expect jeongguk being up at 2 am.

 

“because i have to talk to you.” jeongguk said.

 

he felt stupid. so naive when taehyung had confessed he liked him back… he believed all of his words after thirsting over them for years. he was too blind to see that there was a chance taehyung didn’t actually mean it. he thought about how taehyung might have had a plan of getting together with him, then breaking up with him, breaking his heart so jeongguk would just leave him alone for the rest of his life. jeongguk was red with anger, but of course he didn’t want to show it. he didn’t want to attack taehyung straight away and give him a chance to see how angry the younger was and run away from it.

 

“what is it, guk? it’s late.” taehyung said, sitting down on the bed, rubbing his eyes and then looking at the younger. jeongguk knew better though. he wasn’t tired at all. he just wanted to avoid him.

 

“you’ve been so weird lately, ever since i moved in. you never want me to come with you anywhere. you’ve been avoiding me. it’s like you’re fucking allergic to me or something. i know you’re hiding something so just tell me. i want to know it. not knowing what’s been going on with you lately... it’s messing with my head.” jeongguk said, frustration seeping through his voice.

 

“no, i… i’m sorry. i just… don’t want to bother you. it’s tiring to follow me around all day and you have a job too.” taehyung said, sighing, trying to take jeongguk’s hands into his, but the younger just pulled his arms away.

 

“that’s not true… there is something else. this is not the real reason. stop lying.” jeongguk said, upset taking its place in his whole being, showing through his voice, his facial expression and his gestures.

 

“like what?” taehyung asked, looking confused.

 

“stop lying to me… you know exactly what! are you cheating on me?” jeongguk spat, anger coming out.

 

“no! okay, fine, i’ll tell you.” taehyung shouted to calm jeongguk down, who slumped down against the wall next to bed, awaiting for taehyung to tell him his problem. “my management is extremely homophobic and they don’t know we’re a couple.” taehyung sighed.

 

and jeongguk’s heart fell to the pit of his stomach. not physically, but it felt like it, as the weird sensation took its place. he couldn’t quite point out what it was exactly, but he knew for damn sure it was disappointment.

 

“so all this time, every time you told me that they knew, you were lying?” jeongguk asked, disbelief clearly coming out through his words and tone. taehyung told jeongguk that a lot. enough times to reassure jeongguk and make him believe it.

 

taehyung didn’t answer for a while. jeongguk stood up and started pacing back and forth in front of the bed as he tried to make sense of why taehyung wouldn’t just tell him that they couldn’t tell his management. in taehyung’s words, the management wasn’t homophobic. well, jeongguk seemed to have guessed it wrong. or more like have been told wrong by the older.

 

“i’m sorry.” taehyung finally spoke up, and when jeongguk looked at him, he saw the crystal tears running down the older’s face. “i just… i’m just so scared… i feel trapped. i’m lying to you, i’m lying to them. and it’s so fucking lonely having to lie. because i know you deserve better, to have a comfortable, out relationship. but i just can’t give you it. my management had told me that if i date anyone, especially a man, then my career’s over. and i’m so scared because this is all i wanted in my life.” taehyung was heaving, not sobbing but obviously extremely upset and also crying.

 

“i get it… you don’t want me. you haven’t even liked me for long, of course you would choose your career.” jeongguk said, annoyed. his brain was clouded with all kinds of negative thoughts.

 

“of course i fucking want you.” taehyung tried to grab jeongguk’s wrist but the younger just slapped it away.

 

“yeah, okay. fuck you, you know.” jeongguk said as he was about to walk out the door but taehyung stood up quicker than any of them could decipher and pushed him against the door, making it close harshly and jeongguk be all up against it. he pinned the younger’s wrists down with his hands.

 

“i will always want you. i have always wanted you.” taehyung said, and there was a weird undertone to his voice plus he was showing a lot of dominance, so unknowingly, he made jeongguk’s dick harden.

 

“let me make you mine then.” jeongguk hissed as taehyung tightened the hold on his wrists after the younger tried to pull away.

 

their lips crashed into each other and the kisses weren’t soft like usual. it was just… hot. needy. filled with lust.

 

the thing is, for all the months they’ve been together, they had never had sex. was this going to be their first time? and maybe even their last?

 

jeongguk’s hands worked with much precision and speed, unbuttoning taehyung’s shirt buttons. he yanked it off the older, then proceeded to kiss his neck while undoing his belt and zip on the trousers he was wearing. he pulled that off too with ease, making it pool at taehyung’s feet, who kicked it in a random direction so it wasn’t in the way.

 

taehyung pulled on jeongguk’s yellow pyjama t-shirt, and almost tore it off of the younger. their kisses only got interrupted by this, but then continued aggressively making out. they were both in their boxers now.

 

with quick hand movements, both of them pulled their own boxers down to let themselves free of the strain of the fabric.

 

“let me ride you.” jeongguk said, then proceeded to push taehyung onto the bed, who then reached into the nightstand drawer and pulled out lube. no condoms were needed because they had discussed sex before, and they knew they were both clean.

 

jeongguk put his two legs on each side of taehyung’s hips. the older poured some lube onto his fingers and without a warning, pushed two inside the younger. jeongguk just moaned in the pleasure of the stretch, which also fucking hurt but he was too hot to care.

 

“i’m a good boy, let me have two more.” jeongguk whispered into taehyung’s lips then proceeded to start making out with him again. the younger soon felt himself filling up with what he had asked for; taehyung’s ring and pinky finger.

 

there was no time to ask about kinks. taehyung didn’t question it. their brains were completely clouded with a mixture of anger, lust and upset. so nothing seemed out of the ordinary about what jeongguk said. he didn’t think about how it implied he had some kind of daddy kink. because of the amount of emotions, they didn’t even care about the fact that their first time was going to be angry sex, which might also end with a breakup.

 

one thing taehyung seemed to understand was that jeongguk was a dominant bottom, even though he did say he liked topping.

 

“mmm, you’re so tight.” taehyung growled into the younger’s ear as he was kissing down his neck.

 

“can i fucking ride you already?” jeongguk asked, but it didn’t need to be answered.

 

he reached for the lube, poured a lot on his fingers and slicked taehyung’s cock up, then made sure his hole was lubed up properly too. he threw the bottle to the end of the bed.

 

he positioned himself and slowly lowered himself of taehyung’s cock. the stretch left a weird sensation on his whole lower back, but he slowly adjusted.

 

he started moving up and down, at first slow but then quickening the pace.

 

he tried to enjoy every little bit of it. the way taehyung’s huge cock dragged against his tight walls, the way he filled him up. the way his balls bounced against his asscheeks whenever he fully sat down on him continously. the way taehyung’s cock touched jeongguk’s prostate without having to take him in all the way. jeongguk saw it himself before, that taehyung was thick and long, but feeling it inside of himself was a different experience. it felt like he’s been shot into heaven by a rocket launcher.

 

“ah… ah…” was all the sounds ripping through the quiet of the house. jeongguk didn’t hold back.

 

“f-fu-uck, you-you’re so fuc-king t-tight and warm ar-around my d-dick.” taehyung moaned while jeongguk mercilessly bounced up and down on his cock, in a teasing pace. his eyes were closed though, so jeongguk leaned back, angling himself differently and taking one of taehyung’s hands to put on his stomach.

 

taehyung’s eyes shot open. jeongguk’s stomach was bulging every time he moved.

 

“i’m-i’m gonna… c-come.” taehyung moaned with ragged breath. “you’re gorgeous.”

 

jeongguk sped his movements up and soon he felt his walls get sprayed by cum. he kept riding taehyung through his orgasm, which the older hit with the loudest, whiniest moan jeongguk has ever heard, with his eyes squeezed together, lips wide open, gripping jeongguk’s waist. the younger milked every last drop and felt the great sensation of the warm liquid moving around.

 

“mmm, fuck me until you cum, baby.” taehyung said, breath still laboured.

 

“but i need to prepare you.” jeongguk sighed.

 

“i’ve been ready for weeks.” he responded.

 

so jeongguk opened the older’s legs, taehyung throwing them around jeongguk’s waist and locking his ankles above his ass. jeongguk didn’t wait a lot before he pushed in all the way. he was so warm. so tight. so ready.

 

he fucked deeply into his lover below him and at times, he leaned down to kiss him.

 

and it didn’t take long until jeongguk was pulling on taehyung’s hair and coming into him.

 

the lustful daze they’ve been in for the better half of the hour was gone. jeongguk hurried into the en-suite bathroom of the bedroom with his clothes and took a shower. by the time he went back, it was more than an hour after everything started, and taehyung was sitting in the living room, waiting for the younger to be done after cleaning himself up too.

 

“jeongguk, i-” taehyung stood up to get closer to the younger, who already had his jacket and shoes on and a small suitcase in his hand, ready to leave, but got interrupted by him.

 

“i’m staying with hoseok for a while. i’ll be moving out in a week.” jeongguk said, with no hesitation or emotion in his voice.

 

“jeongguk, please-” taehyung was once again interrupted by the younger.

 

“no. i understand you can’t come out and be open about things, but you’ve lied to me. and i think me moving out is the best option for us. i don’t want to fuck up your career. us living together is a huge risk of people finding out. i want to protect you because i will always care about you but i also can’t be with someone who’s lied to me. i’m protecting myself from getting hurt even more by your lies.” jeongguk said, sighing. “i’m protecting the both of us.”

 

“i love you.” taehyung said, tears coming out of his eyes. “i’m sorry.” his voice was hopeless but begging.

 

jeongguk left regardless.

 

 

***

 

 

“so are we finalising the divorce today? or is it tomorrow?” hoseok asked, in the midst of making his morning coffee. jeongguk was eating his breakfast at the other side of the kitchen where the breakfast island was.

 

“it’s tomorrow.” jeongguk nodded.

 

hoseok huffed in stress, pulling one side of his mouth downwards, while his eyebrows arched in agony.

 

“are you sure this is okay with you?” hoseok walked up to jeongguk, put one hand on his face and stroked a lock off of his forehead with his other hand.

 

“yeah. it’s what you want, isn’t it?” jeongguk smiled bitterly.

 

it’s been 5 years since he had left taehyung’s house to stay with hoseok. 3 years after him and hoseok got married. and -1 days before they were going to get a divorce. korea made gay marriage legal just a month before they got married, even though it was still a quite homophobic country, but they got married with no other company than their friends, except taehyung of course. he was too ‘busy’.

 

taehyung tried to call for up to a year after jeongguk walked out on him. but after hundreds of failed attempts, he gave up.

 

and trust him, jeongguk was totally fine with the divorce. he still loved taehyung, after all. though he did love hoseok, it just didn’t last more than 2 and a half years. taehyung always came back to haunt him in his mind.

 

“besides, we’re staying friends.” jeongguk continued, finishing his breakfast.

 

hoseok nodded and patted jeongguk’s shoulder before he left the kitchen to get ready for work.

 

 

***

 

 

jeongguk had left the lawyer’s office after finalising the divorce. he took his phone out of his pocket as soon as he got outside to check if he got any messages. he was waiting to hear back from the realtor company that he would have to finish signing the papers with for his new house. but instead, he got a message from a number he didn’t recognise. although it wasn’t hard to guess.

 

‘ i still want you baby. - t ’

 

how convenient that he would text today.

 

jeongguk wasn’t in the best of moods, but he felt himself starting to smile rather stupidly. like his high school crush told him he liked him back. but taehyung wasn’t just a stupid high school crush. he was 31, for god’s sake.

 

it was ridiculous how taehyung was still able to make his heart shake whenever jeongguk thought about him. but jeongguk knew perfectly well he’ll never stop loving him. he knew it before him and hoseok got together. and don’t get him wrong, he loved hoseok, but taehyung always came back into his mind and there was just no way he would ever stop loving him. he’s never loved anyone as deeply as he had loved taehyung. he’s been in love with him for a long time.

 

another text woke him up from staring into space in the middle of the street.

 

‘ please, give me another chance. meet me at the address below in an hour. - t’

 

jeongguk was considering not going. taehyung was now a stranger to him. he didn’t know if he changed at all, or to what amount. he knew that he was in love with the taehyung he used to know, but would he be the same? jeongguk didn’t have time for playing around anymore. he was 31 and he just wanted to settle down. he was tired of uncertainties, he just wanted to be sure for once in his life about a relationship.

 

he decided to go. the cafe was in seoul, that for some reason sounded very familiar.

 

the thing is, he was expecting to be invited somewhere more private, seeing how taehyung was known by millions in the world, having received grammys and many prestigious awards in the western and korean music world too. but taehyung chose a random cafe that was probably full of people. he didn’t want to get mobbed. it was stupid, but jeongguk trusted him.

 

in 50 minutes' time, he was pushing the door of the cafe open and he knew exactly where he was.

 

the cafe taehyung worked in all those years ago. almost 10 years ago.

 

the nostalgy was making its way to jeongguk’s chest and it was a heart and gut-wrenching feeling. there were so many memories resurfacing, acting as small blades that left cuts on his inside. it hurt to think back. back then, everything was much simpler. he should’ve just confessed to taehyung in a normal, mature way. in a controlled way. because the way he had told taehyung for the first time, it was messy and not the way to go. he lost control of his words that spilled out of his mouth. he wished he would’ve just sat taehyung down and told him. but he had to fuck everything up, didn’t he? he could’ve just told him normally and if he was rejected, he would’ve handled it maturely. but jeongguk at 22 was still naive and unsure of how to handle things. still a kid.

 

he walked around the cafe only to notice a guy with black, curly, long-ish hair at the back with a hat, facemask and sunglasses on. this part of the cafe was kind of cut off from the rest, which hadn’t been there back when taehyung worked here and jeongguk used to visit him most days. jeongguk wasn’t surprised, it’s been years, they were likely to get an upgrade.

 

he walked up to the guy and he just knew, the moment he saw his nose and ears, he knew this was him.

 

“taehyung…” jeongguk said quietly.

 

the man looked up at him and took his sunglasses off, tucking his facemask under his chin.

 

“guk-ah.” taehyung breathed out, stood up and took the younger into his arms.

 

jeongguk hugged back.

 

the hug was so warm. so so warm. it was like going back to the home he lived in for the entirety of his childhood. it’s always been like this. he had always felt that taehyung was his home.

 

“god, i missed you so much.” taehyung whispered as he let go of the younger. both of them took seats in the booth. “you’re still so gorgeous.” taehyung smiled, reaching for jeongguk’s hands on the table. the younger sighed, relieved that he was once again going to make up with taehyung. once and for all.

 

“i missed you too.” jeongguk said, letting himself smile a little bit. he was good at keeping himself under control. he learnt how to control himself over the years since he fucked up a lot of things because of his lack of control.

 

they eased into conversation about how they’ve been in the past years. taehyung told jeongguk things he already knew. jeongguk told taehyung things he already knew for good measure. they were still friends with jimin, hoseok, namjoon, seokjin and yoongi after all these years, so they knew what each other had been up to.

 

“do you want to… come to my place? to talk more privately?” taehyung asked.

 

“okay.” jeongguk answered and he saw the older pull out a phone out of his pocket and lifted it to his ear after a few taps on the screen.

 

“i’ll call my bodyguard to pick us up and then we can leave.” taehyung smiled. god, did jeongguk miss that smile.

 

“but… if people see me leave with you, won’t they… i don’t know, wouldn’t that raise suspicion? wouldn’t that fuck with your career? after all, that’s why we broke up.” jeongguk reminded taehyung.

 

“you don’t have to worry about that. you’re worth it. i don’t care about the stupid media anymore. i really don’t.” taehyung grinned warmly and jeongguk let himself smile fully.

 

taehyung wasn’t ashamed. he probably never was but being able to spend time with him without having to worry about whether people would see them and what they think was definitely good.

 

after they left the cafe hand in hand, with the bodyguard protecting them and taking them to taehyung’s house in a car, they were alone in taehyung’s apartment of multiple floors at the top of a skyscraper.

 

it was quiet. they were both staring at each other after having taken off jackets, blazers and shoes.

 

jeongguk slowly walked up to taehyung and put his right hand on taehyung’s left cheek. this moment was so intimate, just by the way they were looking into each other’s eyes.

 

“i still love you.” taehyung was half-blinking, not fully closing his eyes, as if he was afraid that this moment was a dream. he was scared that the words that just came out of his mouth were part of a dream.

 

“i still love you.” jeongguk said the same words, observing taehyung’s beautiful brown eyes. they were twinkling with the swirl of many emotions.

 

the kiss was slow at first, both of them just wanting to treasure this moment forever. it was pure bliss, to be able to have each other like this again. tongues crashed warmly, greeting each other like it was their purpose to be together. the touch of lips were just as soft and precious. both of them lips were swollen after minutes of kissing and it wasn’t hard for them to feel each other’s skyrocketed pulse.

 

soon they found the buttons of each other’s shirts and started to unbutton them. a few minutes later, they were completely naked save for their boxers.

 

taehyung led jeongguk into his bedroom and it was simply gorgeous. it looked like a king’s bedroom.

 

the older pushed jeongguk onto his back on the bed and climbed above him to continue kissing the life out of him. his hands and lips were all over jeongguk’s body and the younger could barely hold on in his excitement. taehyung made him feel so good.

 

but soon, the older became the most submissive version of himself jeongguk has ever seen.

 

jeongguk took control, kissing him harsh but still sweet with his head between both of the younger’s hands.

 

“where’s the lube?” jeongguk breathed out between kisses. taehyung gave him it after reaching into the nightstand next to the bed and he applied lube onto his fingers. they found taehyung’s warm hole a second after and he let two of his fingers enter the older, who turned into a mess above him.

 

he flipped them around, putting taehyung’s back on the silk sheets of the bed and opening his legs, jeongguk throwing taehyung’s legs around his neck. he fingered him while he kissed him between the moans taehyung let out.

 

after he fingered him with 4 fingers for a while, he pulled out and poured lube on his own cock. not too long after, he positioned himself at taehyung’s asshole, ready to push through the tight rings of muscle. he kissed taehyung before pushing in.

 

taehyung whined as he gripped the fistfuls of the sheets below him, eyes half-lidded but full of lust and pleasure.

 

“m-move.” he moaned, barely able to form words.

 

so jeongguk started moving, starting with deep and slow strokes that let him bury himself deep inside taehyung’s warmth.

 

“fuck.” jeongguk said at the sensation of the way taehyung’s ass took his cock. “you’re doing so well, baby.” he breathed out, looking down at taehyung, whose eyes rolled into the back of his head and his mouth was hanging agape. he was still grabbing onto the sheets and moaned loud as he heard the compliment.

 

jeongguk pushed himself all the way in and stopped for a second to reach for taehyung’s hands and push his wrists against the headboard of the bed. taehyung was surprised and looked very disappointed that he stopped, but groaned at the display of the younger’s dominance.

 

then jeongguk started moving again. he fucked him deep and still kind of slow. taehyung was not having it.

 

“is this all you’ve got? fuck me until i see stars.” taehyung groaned, breathing strained as jeongguk was going in and out of him.

 

so jeongguk took the challenge and started fucking him with all his might. at points, he leaned down to kiss taehyung. his movements were measured, angling himself in a way that would touch the older deep but still fast. he was fucking so deep and so fast he was seeing stars himself.

 

“ah…” at one particular, deep move, taehyung’s back arched off the bed.

 

he found the golden spot. so he started mercilessly pounding into it. taehyung was moaning so loud that he thought he could just come because of those melodic sounds alone.

 

“mmm, you’re taking me so well. so tight and wet for me, hmm?” jeongguk growled. he let go of taehyung’s hands and instead took his asscheeks in his hand, straightening his back. the parted taehyung’s cheeks as much as he could and continuously slammed himself into the warmth.

 

it didn’t take much longer for jeongguk to come inside taehyung, fucking into him with the same pace as he was riding his orgasm out. in the midst of it, taehyung, having felt the way he was filled with the liquid, released all over his stomach.

 

jeongguk slowed down and pulled out. he let his heart calm down a little bit while stroking taehyung’s gorgeous and sheer-from-sweat face. he was still beautiful to him, after all these years of pain and struggling.

 

they smiled at each other, taehyung’s face looking rather fucked out. jeongguk leaned over to kiss taehyung. his lips were so fucking sweet.

 

jeongguk opened the nightstand where taehyung retrieved the lube from earlier and found some wet wipes to use on taehyung’s stomach and ass to clean him up. when he did that, he spoke up to taehyung who still seemed to be in post-sex haze.

 

“i’ll make you a bath.” jeongguk pressed a soft kiss onto taehyung’s forehead, with the older nodding, not being able to form words. he put his boxers on and went into the bathroom connected to the bedroom.

 

15 minutes later, the expensive jacuzzi hot tub in the corner of the spacey bathroom was filled with jasmine-scented water.

 

jeongguk walked back into the bedroom, finding taehyung staring up at the ceiling with a smile on his face. he put his arms under his knees and his back and picked him up bridal style. he carried him into the bathroom and helped him into the bath.

 

3 minutes later, after taehyung’s invitation, both of them were in the bathtub, enjoying the warm water. the room was filled with laughs and conversations about insignificant things.

 

 

***

 

 

“why are you stressing? you’re not the one giving birth.” jeongguk joked, his fingers interlaced with taehyung’s.

 

“yeah, i know. but i wish i was. at least she wouldn’t have to go through the pain.” taehyung bounced around, clearly worried.

 

“babe, we’re paying her. it’s not like she didn’t know what she was getting into… besides, she’ll be fine. she’s a strong woman.” jeongguk attempted to calm taehyung down once again.

 

both of them were in the hospital, waiting for the miracle that they were due to meet today.

 

the last 2 years had been pure heaven for the both of them. they were finally out and proud, and despite the hate they got most of the time, they were happy. they had plenty of supporters too, all around the internet.

 

taehyung asked jeongguk to marry him not too long after they made up, and they had a small wedding 2 months later, with non-homophobic family and friends. they both distanced themselves from family members that didn’t support their relationship, so it was only positivity they were getting from the rest of the people they knew. it was quite reassuring.

 

and just a year ago, they decided that they wanted a child. their own child. they had considered adoption when they wanted to have another kid, but for their first child, they wanted to have a surrogate mother.

 

they had to go as far as america to find a korean surrogate mother because korea didn’t really help them out in this case. two months after their search was over and all papers have been signed, she was inseminated with both of their sperms. they couldn’t decide who they wanted the baby to be biologically connected to, so they put it in fate’s hands to decide.

 

and now, 9 months and a baby shower later, here they were, worrying their asses off for the mother.

 

soon, the doctor came out of the operation room, with the mother being wheeled to a room on her hospital bed.

 

“congratulations! it’s two very healthy and beautiful girls.” the doctor smiled from behind his mask. “the mum will have to rest right now but you can come and see the girls in just a minute. just stay here please and someone will come and get you.” he said in english, since they were in america, and left the couple alone.

 

just a minute later, a brightly smiling nurse told them to follow her and soon, they were in a room with two other nurses, holding a baby each.

 

both taehyung’s and jeongguk’s eyes filled up with tears as they approached the two nurses.

 

jeongguk and taehyung took one of them each and held them close. both of them were looking down at the girls in awe, looking at each other and the other girl in one another’s arms with so much love.

 

“both of them are so beautiful.” jeongguk tried to wipe his tears, but to no avail. tears just kept coming out of his eyes.

 

“the most beautiful creatures of the whole entire universe.” taehyung said quietly, which got the nurses giggling.

 

“sir, what are their names?” one of the nurses asked, smiling fondly at the two new dads.

 

“kim sunmi.” jeongguk looked down on the little girl he was holding.

 

“and kim yejin.” taehyung sniffed, looking at the nurses with a smile, then went back to admiring the two girls.

 

their hearts were so warm they swore it was about to burn to dust. they have never felt so much love in their lives.

 

 

***

 

 

“girls! hurry up, we’re going to be late for the wedding!” jeongguk’s voice boomed through the house as he was putting his earrings in and fixing his suit.

 

“okay!” sunmi and yejin shouted back.

 

“babe, i’m ready.” taehyung shot through the door of their bedroom.

 

“make sure the girls are ready then please.” jeongguk said, smiling at him.

 

it was 7 years later, with the girls being 7, jeongguk 40 while taehyung 42. it was hoseok and yoongi’s wedding, which seemed to be a miracle, since they’ve liked each other for what it felt like decades, and have been together for at least 8 years, yet they only wanted to get married now. but life isn’t about rushing, and they already had a 5 year old boy named namgyu, so it’s not like they were going to be starting a family this late in their lives. not like there was a problem with that, but having kids late never seemed to have a good influence on the relationship parents had with their kids. hoseok saw a lot of his family members being distant from their parents because of the age gap, so he persuaded yoongi into having a kid even if they didn’t get married. but thankfully, yoongi finally decided to propose.

 

“okay, let’s go.” taehyung announced as soon as jeongguk came out of the bedroom, ready to leave. the girls were ready to leave too, and pride filled jeongguk’s chest as he saw how beautiful his girls looked.

 

“you all look so beautiful. i’m proud to call you my family.” jeongguk responded, giving a quick kiss to each of the three foreheads. the girls giggled while taehyung kissed his cheek, and they all left after the oldest picked up the car and house keys.

 

the drive was only about half an hour since the location of the wedding was still in seoul. it was a beautiful sunny morning, the clocks just hitting 11 am. the wedding was at 12, so they arrived an hour early. it was august, so it would be hot, but the girls were wearing skirts and taehyung and jeongguk could easily take off their blazers. besides, the wedding reception was inside, so there had to be some kind of a/c in there.

 

the ceremony was beautiful, quite simple, but very organised. well, it was hoseok and yoongi’s wedding, so they didn’t expect anything less.

 

hoseok was the one walking up to the altair with his father leading him. yoongi was watching his every step like hoseok was god himself. both of their eyes were full of tears, grinning fondly at how stupid they looked, already crying their eyes out before anything even started. how they would last the vows, no one knew. they probably wouldn’t.

 

and they didn’t. hoseok had to stop several times, crying and laughing at the same time whenever he stopped speaking to take a breath. he played it off as a joke, and people around them laughed warmly, not laughing at him but rather with him. it was endearing, to say the least.

 

it reminded jeongguk and taehyung of their own wedding. he remembered every moment of it. from the moment taehyung walked up to him, through when they were crying, reading their vows out to each other while holding the papers with shaky hands, when they put the rings on each other, when they kissed, when they had their first dance, to when they left at 5 am to go home and pack for their honeymoon 2 days later. it was the best sex both of them ever had. even years later, it was still tattooed onto jeongguk’s eyelids, the way taehyung smiled, the way the wind blew through taehyung’s greyish-blonde locks the way his tears shone as if they were tiny diamonds on his face. how could he ever forget? it was one of the most beautiful things he’s seen.

 

after congratulating them, jeongguk was having a one-on-one conversation with yoongi.

 

“see? i knew you should’ve told him.” yoongi smiled smugly, with that ‘i-told-you-so’ expression on his face.

 

“you were right, for once. thank you.” jeongguk said, smiling fondly, looking over at taehyung with sunmi and yejin as he was talking to them enthusiastically, with that stupid, i-am-whipped-for-my-daughters boxy smile. “you know, i have no idea how i got so lucky. shit.” jeongguk shook his head, grinning, still not being able to believe how lucky he was, having the best husband and daughters in the world.

 

“you endured a lot, guk. you both deserve it so much.” yoongi smiled, briefly stroking the younger’s shoulder and arm.

 

jeongguk sighed, bashful grin on his face.

 

“i hope you know you do too… but i’m finally accepting that… maybe i do too.” he sighed, content with the way the sun was shining brightly onto his face, warming his already warm heart that was full of love.

 

the sound of the laughter of his three favourite creatures in existence filled his ears as teardrops started falling down his face.

 

there was no pain behind those tears…

 

just pure, unfiltered happiness. nothing else.

Notes:

hope u enjoyed.

i worked on this for weeks, and i guess i'm pretty content with it?

anyway, leave me some comments, i wanna know what u think. :,) <3

(oh yeah btw i just made up the title, it has no connection to any songs whatsoever. i'm saying this bc i know there's been songs recently that have this as the lyrics, but i just made this up so don't look for connections mwah)

i made a twitter! scream at me here: starlighteyed

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 4 of kpop idols in love