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Kim Namjoon graduated early, and his major was a hit, so right after school he was hired into his city’s government. He had the ability to weave charismatic and persuasive ideas and thoughts like they were going to be engraved in history books. With this, he was invited to be involved in all important conferences and meetings, writing eloquent and memorable phrases that even made the mayor beam every time he sees Namjoon in the hallway. Namjoon rose to fame quickly, earning the title of the best writer around.
Writing was natural for Namjoon, and he was at an age where many things in life favored him, so his career path was smooth and fast sailing. He loved his job, he loved to fight for equal rights, peace and prosperity. He had thought about moving to a developing and remote area to stay and help out for a few years, but his family didn’t want him to live in hardships.
When Namjoon arrived in the new city he promoted to, he came as an outsider. He didn’t have connections nor prior experience in that role, and no knowledge about the city’s political environment.
The other thing was, this role he landed in, blocked a lot of people’s career advancement. Namjoon had read over the profiles of the people related to the position, and he knew who he specifically blocked for promotion.
Kim Seokjin.
Namjoon looked at the 2 inch profile pic on Kim Seokjin’s profile, and apologized to his future subordinate for taking his promotion away.
Kim Seokjin had a great education and had great abilities. If it weren’t for Namjoon, this role belonged to him.
****
Seokjin had only been interested in working hard and eating good all these years. If you say he isn’t ambitious that’s a lie, but he understands that to succeed he had to rely on his brain and hands, even if there’s something unfair, sometimes you have to pretend it’s fine.
He was a hardworking optimist.
The government he worked for liked his attitude, and had helped him move up the ladder. Just when Seokjin thought he was about to get promoted again, in comes Kim Namjoon.
Even before Kim Namjoon arrived, rumors have spread like wildfire about his connections and his competence. Seokjin was the youngest to become an associate, but Namjoon was two years younger than him and was already senior associate at his role. Seokjin graduated masters from the best university in the province; Namjoon earned doctoral degree from the best university in the country.
What’s more, Namjoon’s dad worked in a high rank level position for the national government.
Seokjin didn’t want to look too petty, so he still maintained his consistent attitude, doing his work the best as he could with a smile on.
When Namjoon finally arrived and he started working with him, Seokjin realized Namjoon definitely had talent and skills, and thought Namjoon would probably only stay for a few years until he gets promoted again, so he still had a chance at Namjoon’s Director position.
Not to mention everyone called Namjoon Director Kim, Seokjin’s last name was Kim too, who knows who they are actually calling.
Slowly, Seokjin’s relationship with Namjoon became pretty good. He even told Namjoon about the details of the mayor’s divorce scandal.
****
“Hyung.”
It was way past regular working hours, the fourteen people department only leaving Seokjin and Namjoon remaining. Namjoon knocked on the door at Seokjin’s office, waiting to leave together. When there’s no one around he’ll call Seokjin hyung - in Seokjin’s eyes this was purely because Namjoon wanted to have a more at ease relationship with his subordinate, and not creating formality. But it’s a different story for Namjoon.
“Oh, Director Kim, please wait a second. I am trying to wrap up the summary documents for the mayor.”
Namjoon pushed the door open and waited for Seokjin on the couch. Seokjin was focused, typing on the computer furiously, and Namjoon just looks at him.
Finally, the sound of laptop shutting down comes up.
“Director Kim wants to come and eat at my place again?”
“Yeah, I don’t want to be by myself on this nice weekend.” Namjoon said.
“Oh, then we got to go to the supermarket, my entire fridge is almost being wiped clean by certain someone these days.” Seokjin teased.
Namjoon smiled sheepishly. Seokjin stood up and put his jacket on.
On their way there, Namjoon told Seokjin about his friend Jungkook coming to their department.
“I grew up with with him. He just graduated last year. He’s got a spoiled rich brat personality, since his dad works at a high rank in the government. He’s going to wreck havoc once he’s here.”
Seokjin almost blurted out, “Aren’t you also a son of a high rank politician?”
There was an awkward silence. He shouldn’t have said that, even if he was close with Namjoon and Namjoon was generous and kind. Seokjin thought regretfully.
“How do you want to eat the fish? Steam? Bake?” He asked instead, turning the conversation to the fish they just brought.
Namjoon answered smoothly to avoid the unpleasant topic. “Steam, it’s easier.”
****
Namjoon liked to go to Seokjin’s place to eat on the weekends. At the beginning Seokjin wasn’t used to it, but afterward he liked it just as much. It’s either him eating all by himself, or eating with someone else. Eating with someone else made the food much more delicious.
They were both single men anyway, it was no big deal.
“Hyung, why don’t you look for a girlfriend?”
Namjoon most likely will spent the rest of his life on office desks and in meeting rooms, he was very bad at chores. Seokjin wasn’t counting on him to help out, he washed the fish himself and put it on the steam racks, while Namjoon hovered around him.
“Me? Oh I am just busy, plus I am not financially sufficient. My mom’s health condition is not stable, I have to go to the hospital every two or three days, who wants to be with me?”
“Maybe your standards are too high?”
“To be honest…I am not in the mood. Thinking that I need to care for another person, help her, create another family gives me headache. I can live on my own, cook and do chores just fine, I don’t need a girl to help me. At least maybe wait another few years…when my mom gets better.”
Namjoon found a few things he could help out in the kitchen - he put the utensils and plates down. It took him five seconds. He ran back to continue to talk to Seokjin.
“Your mom will get better. Didn’t they change the medication?”
“Yeah, I am splurging on those medical bills.” Seokjin said smiling. There was the nice smell of fish lingering in the kitchen already.
You are more suited to be taken care of. Someone need to care for you. Namjoon thought in his head while he looked at Seokjin. I want to protect you and support you…but that’s just what I want.
“Director Kim, pass me the soy sauce.”
Seokjin opened the steam pot, and put on gloves to take the plate out. He put the plate on the table, grabbed the soy sauce from Namjoon, and poured it on the fish.
“Okay, it’s ready. Let’s dig in.”
Namjoon sat down. He wanted to talk to Seokjin about his mom’s condition, but he didn’t want to make Seokjin feel bad. He’ll help Seokjin in any other way he can.
“How about you? You are not married, is it because there are so many pretty girls around that you don’t want to settle?” Seokjin joked.
“Hmm? Me?” Namjoon said, startled, “I don’t plan to marry.”
“Oh?”
Namjoon didn’t want to come out to Seokjin then. He knew he wasn’t meant to be with Seokjin. Even though everything about Seokjin was his type - the looks, the personality, he liked it all. But he couldn’t disturb Seokjin’s calm, straight and single life. Maybe in a few years Namjoon will move to somewhere else…he’ll probably move constantly all through his life.
As long as he get to be with Seokjin right now, that’s good enough for him.
“Me? I don’t even know where I will be in the future.”
Seokjin laughed. “You are not getting married, so you are not looking for a girlfriend. Instead, you are just coming to my place everyday to eat.”
“Well…nowhere else has food that tastes as good. If it is an inconvenience to you-”
“I am just kidding. You are always welcome here, you paid for all the groceries anyway.” Seokjin smiled.
Namjoon added some more rice to his dish. Seokjin’s cell phone lit up, he glanced at it, then immediately his face fell.
“It’s Doctor Chen.” He said.
Namjoon felt his heart twist at the words. He quickly finished the remaining food in his bowl.
“….I will be there.” Seokjin said. He hung up the phone, without a word, stood up. Namjoon abandoned his bowl.
“I will go with you.”
“No, it’s okay- I don’t want to bother you-”
“No, I will go with you.” Namjoon said firmly. He said it in the same tone when he makes big decisions in their meetings.
“I am so sorry, Director Kim, troubling you in your free time…”
Namjoon patted Seokjin’s shoulders softly. He wanted to give Seokjin a hug, to tell him that it’s okay, it will get better, and he’s got Namjoon to lean on.
Seokjin’s eyes fell a little. “Thank you, Namjoon. Thank you.”
****
Seokjin’s mom needed a bone marrow implant to survive. Seokjin doesn’t have skills or connections to find a bone marrow replacement, and she doesn’t want him to spent his life savings for one. She said she’d rather go than leave a huge burden for her son.
When Namjoon ran to the hospital with Seokjin, she was still in the operating room. Seokjin was shaking from head to toe, Namjoon only saw him like this once before in the patients room.
Seokjin always put a smile on his face, but when he hid behind the stairs and cried, Namjoon was just around the corner.
Namjoon wanted to reach over and hug him then.
Before he made his decision and walked over, Seokjin already dried his tears and left.
“Hyung, take your mom to a hospital in Seoul.”
Seokjin didn’t respond. Namjoon continued, “I’ll help you with the bone marrow.”
“That’s too much of a favor. It’s okay Namjoon, my mom, she just isn’t lucky enough to have a good life. Immediately after I graduated and started earning money, she fell sick.”
Namjoon knew there weren’t anyone around to help Seokjin, not really. Seokjin was like the crumpling leaves in the fall. He held Seokjin’s hand, it was cold to the touch.
“You don’t owe me anything. I treat you like an older brother, and you can treat me like your younger brother.”
Seokjin didn’t say anything. He let his hand be held until his mom was pushed out of the emergency room.
She survived another day.
A thought popped in his head then, out of nowhere - thank god Namjoon is here.
****
The arrival of Jungkook pulled Namjoon to a lot more nightclubs. Most of the time Namjoon only stayed for a bit then left, but Seokjin still told him to be careful, to be cautious of his image in the government.
Namjoon understood of course. He’ll go, most of the time he was just there, to feel envious of how Jungkook was so smooth and open to his physical wants and needs. On the same night Jungkook had his eyes on the nightclub owner Min Yoongi, they ended up sleeping together.
Namjoon liked Seokjin for more than a year now, and he only touched Seokjin’s hands once.
It’s not like Namjoon never though about it. He liked men, it was hard to find a partner, so he can only seek them out in places like nightclubs. But he found that kind of dirty, so he’d rather just stay by Seokjin’s side, and comfort the lust in his mind with images of Seokjin when he laid alone by himself at night.
When Namjoon lectured Jungkook as he got out of hand, telling Jungkook to stop fucking the bar owner and be more careful of his reputation, Seokjin was right at the door.
Jungkook knew Namjoon, his pure gay childhood friend, liked his clean and reliable subordinate Seokjin. Jungkook said to Namjoon, “I like Yoongi. I don’t care that he’s a man.”
When Jungkook left Namjoon’s office, he smirked at Seokjin. “Are you looking for Namjoon hyung? He’s right inside where you need him.”
Namjoon’s whole face had turned green. He slammed the door once Seokjin got inside.
“I didn’t realize…Jungkook likes men.”
Namjoon didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t say it was because Jungkook discovered Namjoon’s gay porn collection when he was in high school, and copied them from Namjoon and walked on the gay expressway and never returned.
“I’ll tell him to make less trouble. Sorry you had to hear that.”
“No no no.” Seokjin chuckled, “I am honestly not surprised he did that. It would be different if it was you who likes men though.”
Namjoon had his hands rubbing his forehead. Seokjin thought Namjoon was worried about Jungkook.
“Who is Jungkook together with?”
“The bar owner. They are pretty damn suitable.”
Seokjin smiled. Namjoon didn’t know why Seokjin was smiling like that.
****
Seokjin needed to look after his mother, so no one really required him to attend social dinners with clients. When his mom’s condition was really bad, Namjoon also cancels the dinners to help him out.
People say Namjoon is a good boss.
At first Seokjin’s mom thought Namjoon was his friend, when she realized he was actually the boss, she told Seokjin many times that he needed to thank Namjoon.
Seokjin didn’t know how. Namjoon didn’t lack anything.
He can only repay Namjoon by accompanying him when Namjoon works late, then make a good meal, and says goodnight to Namjoon while he watches Namjoon leave.
Why was Namjoon so nice to him? After learning Jungkook liked men Seokjin couldn’t help but think if there was ulterior motives behind Namjoon. But Namjoon was such a gentlemen and never stepped over boundaries.
Seokjin didn’t think he had any big charms to attract someone like Namjoon. And if he did he wanted to pretend he didn’t know. He didn’t want to think too much into the subject.
One weekend Namjoon worked, Seokjin joined him working in the office next to him. When dinner time came, they start to head back to Seokjin’s place to eat together again.
“It’s only been one year and Jungkook already got promoted?” Seokjin asked.
“He’s hard to manage here. His father got more connections in the provincial government. They can look after him and make sure he’s not out of line.” Namjoon told him the real story.
There was something Namjoon wanted to tell Seokjin about. It looked like it was a good time to bring it up.
“Your mom is getting better these days?”
“Yeah, I guess the medication is working.”
“Hyung…there’s something I didn’t let you know before. I filled in the form for a bone marrow request for your mom, and there’s a match.”
Namjoon was afraid he couldn’t find a match so he didn’t tell Seokjin until now. “Don’t worry about the money, I have some to spare, you can just use the bone marrow.”
He thought Seokjin would be ecstatic about the news.
“Director Kim…why are you so kind to me?”
Seokjin stopped at the door of the office. It was supposed to be good news, but Seokjin was suddenly afraid. The halls in the office was too wide and empty.
“You are so nice to me right now, when you leave this place like Jungkook, and I will be all by myself, who would I turn to when I need help?”
Namjoon almost blurted out. “I am not leaving.”
“You have a bright future ahead of you, why are you not leaving?” Seokjin wanted to know, “What’s here for you? Or you are just a saint?”
The answer was right at the tip of Namjoon’s tongue.
“Because I like you.”
Namjoon didn’t know what to do. It was too straightforward. It wasn’t something they were used to.
“Okay, and? How would you like me to repay you? I don’t earn as much as you do, I have no connections, there’s nothing I have that’s better than yours. You give me such a huge favor, essentially you are giving my mom a second chance, what do you want from me? I told you before, I won’t be able to repay this.”
“I don’t need you to repay me.” Namjoon protested.
“…Do you want me?”
Of course Namjoon wanted Seokjin. He wanted everything about Seokjin, his body and his heart. Namjoon couldn’t say no, and as he hesitated, Seokjin laughed bitterly.
“I forgot that you grew up with Jungkook. I understand now. Thanks Director Kim.”
Namjoon followed Seokjin, but Seokjin didn’t even attempt to slow down.
“I don’t mean it that way, hyung.”
“Thanks for finding the bone marrow. My mom is getting old, maybe the bone marrow is more suitable for younger people who need it more.”
“I don’t mean it that way.” Namjoon repeated.
“If you want me, why don’t you just tell me? When you tell me to do things at work, I am always very obedient, aren’t I? You take care of me so well, of course I would listen right?”
Namjoon chased him until they were out of the building and in the yard, “I shouldn’t have to said that, I am sorry. Can’t you just pretend it never happened? Your mom’s health is priority.”
“Please leave, Director Kim.” Seokjin stopped at the exit. He was just a gentle sheep, when an intelligent bear told him the companionship they had all these time was actually love, he felt scared. “You have a bright future ahead of you, don’t let it break under a guy.”
Namjoon stared as Seokjin went on a taxi, and he returned to his office, feeling like he had lost everything.
Why did he have to confess? He scared the sheep away.
Min Yoongi saw what happened across the fence in the yard.
****
Jungkook felt blissful in his new job and city, and in his spare time he decided to care for his hyung, who was successful in his career but horrible in his love life. When he learned that Namjoon failed his confession, he laughed.
“Hyung you don’t know how to chase after people.”
Namjoon ignored him.
“Oh come on, be happier. Wanna go have some fun tonight?”
“You go have fun. I’m not interested.”
Jungkook dragged him to Min Yoongi’s nightclub. He poured two bottles of alcohol down Namjoon’s throat, and then he texted Seokjin:
Director Kim is drunk, can you come pick him up?
Namjoon wasn’t drunk, when he saw Seokjin appeared he felt like a deer caught in the headlights. He just told Seokjin he liked him, and then he turned around to come here, how could Seokjin believe his words now.
“Umm…I was just sitting, I didn’t do anything.” Namjoon stuttered.
Seokjin thought he wasn’t in the position to tell Namjoon off. Who was he to stop Namjoon from coming out and having fun? Wasn’t he the one to tell Namjoon to leave? So when he saw the text and saw Namjoon sitting in the VIP section of the bar, why did he feel so pissed?
“So you want to continue sitting here, or leave? I can drive you back.”
Of course Namjoon wasn’t going to stay. He wanted to explain. “This is Jungkook’s boyfriend’s nightclub. It’s clean. The girls are just here to accompany us with drinking.”
“Director Kim likes girls?”
Namjoon didn’t know how to answer. He said awkwardly, “I like… people who don’t like me.”
Seokjin didn’t say anything. Finally when they exited the bar, Seokjin said, “Well Director Kim, thanks for your hard work.”
Namjoon didn’t know what he was talking about. So he stayed silent. All the way they walked together it was quiet. When Seokjin drove Namjoon’s car and arrived at Namjoon’s place, Namjoon told him to drive home.
“How are you getting to work tomorrow?” Seokjin asked.
“I can’t let you take the subway this late.” Namjoon said instead.
“I can call a taxi, Director Kim.”
Namjoon thought that he was such a failure. He failed at the confession, and now he had to ask Seokjin to come pick up him in the middle of the night, then Seokjin has to take taxi home after dropping him off. It was so embarrassing.
“Why don’t you drive my car home, I can take the taxi tomorrow. Let me know when you get home.” Namjoon’s face was a little bit red. He just drank, so his head felt light. He heard Seokjin say okay, and Seokjin opened the car door to get on.
There was no one around them, and if some things weren’t said now, he would never have the chance to say it again.
“Hyung, wait, I want to tell you something. Can you just…just listen? Then you can leave…” Namjoon leaned forward and blocked the car door. Seokjin removed his one leg that already stepped in the car.
“First and foremost, your mom’s condition. You have to listen to me on this. You shouldn’t care what kind of person I am, just heal your mom first. You can’t afford to wait for another bone marrow. Just sign the paper. I don’t need anything from you. Don’t think that you have taken something…something dirty from me,” Namjoon stuttered a bit. He was carefully weighing his words in his mouth, this was not typing on the computer, that he can press delete if it came out wrong, “Don’t be angry at me on this.”
Seokjin looked at Namjoon for a long time. “I’ll figure out how to repay you the money.” He finally said.
Namjoon felt a big relief in his chest.
“Okay…second. I’ll say it, but don’t let it affect what I just talked about,” Namjoon struggled even more to put this into words, “I said I like you, it’s not something I said just because I want to have you. I am not…not someone like that. When I first saw you I liked you. This is a different like than how I like other people. I can tell the difference. I like you because I want to be responsible for you, I just want to care for you, to do things for you. If you smile at me once, I can smile for the whole night. I really like you, I really-”
“Okay, what are you trying to say?” Seokjin felt his ears getting red. Who could stand someone standing right in front of you, repeating over and over again that they like you, especially from someone so great like Namjoon? Why did Namjoon have to be a dude?
“…I am not trying to say anything. I just wanted to tell you I like you. That’s it.”
“Okay, you like me, so you hope I like you? You want to be together for the long term?”
“Of course I do, but I know it’s impossible. So…I just wanted to tell you that, to make myself feel better.”
Actually it wasn’t making him feel better. If anything Namjoon felt all his energy drained.
“Do you know what you are saying Namjoon? You are a guy, same with me. It wouldn’t be a problem if you are a bar owner, or some teacher, doctor, lawyer, it’s all better than you being a politician. You are in a high level position for the local government. Tomorrow you might be the premier. And if you go into the national government, how would that affect you Namjoon? Can you dare say you will still say you like me then?”
“I know, hyung, I’ve thought about these things. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future, but if I have to pick, I’d pick you…”
“Does your father know about this?”
“My father?”
“See? I don’t think you’d have the guts to even tell your family.” Seokjin sat back in the car. He was quick and efficient. “You knew this thing between us is impossible, so how can you tell me to respond to you?”
When Namjoon got the response to that, Seokjin was gone.
Namjoon wanted to say, if you really say yes, if there’s a possibility, then he will immediately kneel before his father and ask him to understand. He was obedient for thirty years, his dad will be considerate. If he can’t go into politics, he can do business, or learn to teach. He can do anything, as long as Seokjin gives him hope.
But he was a bit slow, and Seokjin was gone. Namjoon breathed in cold air and looked around. He had never knew what he wanted so clearly. He remember the phrase, if the mountain doesn’t come to me, I’ll go to the mountain. He never understood what this meant, until now. If the opportunity doesn’t present itself, you have to chase it before its gone.
****
Seokjin drove the car for a bit then realized the car belonged to Namjoon. He had to pay medical bills for his mom, he didn’t have the money to buy a car. He drove Namjoon’s car like he was driving his own car.
Some words were better said up front. It’s better to say it when they weren’t in deep yet, and cut their ties cleanly.
It’s just…it wasn’t a good feeling. It was just like the feeling when his mom was in the emergency room, like he had separated from Namjoon entirely. Seokjin thought maybe he could sleep on it, and feel better afterward.
But he probably can’t fall asleep now. He drove Namjoon’s car, circling around the city. He didn’t want to go back to his empty apartment. He bet Namjoon will never come to his place and eat with him again. Those nights where they were each other’s company will probably be gone forever.
Still, he had to go back home and go to work tomorrow. His mom still need to do surgery, he still need to repay those money back to Namjoon.
He slowly got out of the car and walked upstairs. In the hallway he saw Namjoon held his head curled in a small ball in the corner.
It that really Namjoon?
Seokjin was surprised. He pushed Namjoon gently. Namjoon shook groggily. Seokjin didn’t know how long Namjoon had sat in front of his door.
“Hyung, how come you came from downstairs…I thought, I thought you didn’t want to open the door for me…”
“You didn’t see there’s no lights in the windows?” Seokjin suddenly felt angry, “So if I don’t return you are going to sit here all night?”
“Maybe I’ll leave in the morning?”
“Stand up!” Seokjin said angrily, but he held Namjoon to support him up. Namjoon was weak in the legs, and he struggled for a while to stand straight.
“…I really thought you refused to open the door for me.”
Namjoon had said so many things through the door, and Seokjin didn’t hear any of it. Namjoon felt so dumb.
“Come inside, neighbors probably think we are out of our minds.” Seokjin opened the door and pushed Namjoon inside. Namjoon’s legs were still weak and he had to support himself by the wall.
“Why did you come to my place?” Seokjin asked.
“I didn’t finish what I said before, um….”
Seokjin felt a small headache brewing, and before he came up with something to say, Namjoon just hugged him. Seokjin stiffened, and he felt Namjoon cool limbs all over him.
Namjoon must got cold from sitting outside so long. I drove his car outside and he just waited at my door.
“You don’t dislike me, right? You said you didn’t care if I liked guys. All those things you said, they were all concerns for my well being…I just want to tell you, those things don’t bother me. Give me anything and I’d still choose you. If you want, you can have my position, and I can just help edit your grammar…”
Seokjin didn’t know what to say. He could only held his head against Namjoon’s chest, mumble the words, “It’s not about position. You write better than me.”
Namjoon finished what he wanted to say, and he realized Seokjin was still in his arms, he didn’t struggle to get out. Namjoon hugged Seokjin again. “So, do I have a chance?”
“What chance do you want?”
“A chance to be good to you openly. Well…not openly, but to let you know that I want to do things for you. Then, if you want to say anything to me, just tell me, and we talk to each other…”
Namjoon didn’t want to let Seokjin out of his hug, but he was too scared to be more forward, so he just held Seokjin like that for a long while when none of them said anything.
Namjoon thought, if they continued hugging like this, it would be sunrise soon. He looked down and saw Seokjin’s ears flushed red.
“Hyung, umm, I guess I should go now.”
He said that, but he didn’t let Seokjin go. Seokjin hummed.
They just held onto that position, and no one moved to get away. They stood hugging for a long time.
****
The next day at work, Namjoon still acted like usual. When he saw Seokjin he nodded saying hi, and gave him work in their meeting room as usual.
“Seokjin, can you stay for a bit, I need to talk to you about our meeting for next week.”
Namjoon wasn’t someone who used work as an excuse for personal stuff, so when everyone left, he talked to Seokjin about he said he was going to. Seokjin was like him, and they made good progress on the work.
“We didn’t miss anything right? That’s all we have to do.”
“Yup. I’ll work on it once I return to my desk.”
“Well, it’s not that urgent. Umm, hyung…”
Seokjin thought Namjoon was going to confess again. Why was Namjoon always saying ‘I like you’ over and over again.
“Let’s go to the hospital during lunch time. I wanted to accompany you to sign the bone marrow papers.”
Seokjin blinked. Namjoon thought he was going to change his mind, he muttered nervously, “You agreed right?”
“Yeah, thanks. Sorry for the trouble.”
Namjoon didn’t think it was trouble at all.
****
Since Seokjin said yes, Namjoon decided not to hide around, and decided to start leaving together with Seokjin after work again.
When Namjoon didn’t confess his feelings yet it didn’t feel like anything special, but now when they leave together, it felt kind of like they were in a secret relationship, and when coworkers came to say goodbye, it felt kind of taboo.
But no one thought of them that way, everyone got along well and they knew Namjoon and Seokjin were good friends.
Namjoon’s dad shipped him two boxes of seafood, Namjoon gave some to the people in his department, for the rest he brought Seokjin with him to wait for Seokjin to cook it and eat together. When Seokjin cooks, Namjoon was like an oversized puppy, because he always cause more problems he was prohibited from touching the dishes, so he just looked at Seokjin and helped once in a while to peel garlic.
“You don’t even know how to cook, why did your dad sent these to you?”
“He said I just need to put it in the pot and steam it for seven minutes, then put some soy sauce. I can manage that.”
Seokjin looked at the seafood in the pot, and he thought thank god Namjoon didn’t do that, that would be such a waste, these seafood are expensive.
“It’s probably things that his friends gave him and he can’t finish. He always think I know everything.”
“Well, you are a good son, of course he’d think of you first.”
Namjoon shook his head, disagreeing.
After they had dinner, Namjoon dragged his stay at Seokjin’s place, he didn’t want to leave. Seokjin wanted to watch a movie, so both of them sat on the sofa, looking at the laptop watching documentaries.
“Namjoon…have you ever had a boyfriend?”
“…I had one in university.”
“Why did you break up?”
“We aren’t interested in the same conversations.”
Seokjin didn’t continue asking, and he seemed to divert his interest back to the documentary.
Namjoon felt an itch in his chest, but he didn’t risk doing anything about it.
“How does it feel…kissing a guy?”
“Do you want to try?” Namjoon asked in a small voice.
Seokjin didn’t say anything. Namjoon slowly shifted his head over, his palm sweaty.
He kissed him.
It was just the cheek, but Namjoon felt his heart banging like drums.
It wasn’t satisfying enough, so Namjoon moved the laptop away, and he lightly cupped Seokjin’s face, and kissed Seokjin right on the lips.
It felt so good. Of course, Seokjin hyung was the best.
After they kissed many times, Seokjin said it doesn’t feel so bad, so Namjoon decided to muster the courage to push Seokjin down on the bed. He stripped both of them, and touched Seokjin’s skin inch by inch. Seokjin said he felt cold, so Namjoon put blankets over them, his chest tight against Seokjin’s, kissing slowly and in detail.
Then Seokjin, like a good student he was, liked Namjoon how does two guys do it.
Namjoon thought he was so innocent, and he felt ashamed for the thoughts he had in his head.
“Is it anal?” Seokjin said, sounding still so pure, “How does it go in, it’s so small.”
Namjoon swallowed. “Um, you used lubrication, and stretch it first.”
“Do you have the lubricant?”
Namjoon have it right in his bedside table. What can he say? That he had always waited for a day like this?
Seokjin understood just by looking at Namjoon’s expression. He smiled and hugged Namjoon. “Let’s try it.”
“It’s going to hurt…for the first time. You should do it to me.”
“I don’t know how to do it at all…it’s fine, I don’t mind either way.”
Namjoon thought, since Seokjin never did it before, maybe it wasn’t a good idea since he wasn’t so good at it, what if Seokjin bleeds? But he couldn’t resist the temptation.
Seokjin smiled gently below him, and he opened his legs shyly. Namjoon’s hands shook while he squeezed out some lubricant in the bottle.
When Namjoon went inside Seokjin, both of them gasped. Namjoon bend to kiss him, and Seokjin closed his eyes.
“Hyung…”
Seokjin held him closer.
When they were done, Namjoon felt apologetic. His technique was horrible. He kissed Seokjin’s ears and nose. Seokjin knew what he meant.
“It doesn’t hurt as much as I thought. It’s good. We can try it after a few days.”
Namjoon thought Seokjin was too kind. Next day, he thickened his skin and went to find Jungkook.
“Umm….how do you have sex with the nightclub owner?”
Jungkook didn’t know that his goody two shoes brother Namjoon would ask him this kind of question one day. In the evening he sent Namjoon a lot of his findings, practical findings.
Watching porn obviously wasn’t the best educational guide.
****
Namjoon never had thought he had a chance with Seokjin. He was feeling high in the clouds. He even planned his future - he wasn’t going to be like Jungkook, drifting everywhere. He was going to stay in this city and stabilize his relationship with Seokjin, until Seokjin was used to rely on him - yup, he must do that.
It was a great plan, but for some reason the fact that he likes men went into his dad’s ears.
That day’s weather was gorgeous, and he was working in Seokjin’s place while Seokjin cooked when the phone rang.
“Kneel!”
Namjoon looked at his cell phone display, then listened to the furious voice carefully. Yup, it was his father. What did he do wrong?
Namjoon was obedient, but he didn’t know if he should kneel through the phone. He asked what’s wrong.
“You bring disgrace to the entire family!”
Namjoon peeked at the kitchen, Seokjin probably can’t hear.
“Dad, you have to tell me what’s the problem.”
“Well, why don’t you kneel and think about what you did wrong. I will be at your place in three hours-”
Namjoon heard his father hung up, and he looked at his cellphone in a daze. His father was an intellect, always polite, and had never laid hands on him after elementary school. What happened?
When Seokjin got the dishes on the table, he saw Namjoon in a daze and asked what happened.
“My father is coming tonight…I think he knows I am gay.” Namjoon smiled sheepishly.
There was a pregnant pause.
“It’s okay, hyung. I will go back to my place. Don’t worry, he is someone who listens to reason. I know what he is going to say.”
“…how can I let you face him by yourself? I knew this was going to happen, this is not just something that you handle on your own.”
“I don’t say anything and he will not know about you. I haven’t seen him mad in more than ten years, I don’t think you should try it-”
“So you don’t want me to meet your parents.” Seokjin said nonchalantly, and turns around to grab another dish.
“No! Just not when he is angry…”
Namjoon walked over and put his head on Seokjin’s shoulder, he wrapped his hands around Seokjin’s waist. “Hyung, really, just let me wait for a good time to tell him…”
“Nope. After we finish eating I am coming with you.”
Namjoon sighed and let him go. They ate in a rush and went back to Namjoon’s place. They sat side by side on the couch waiting for judgment.
Rapid knocks sounded on Namjoon’s door. Namjoon jumped up to open the door for his father. Obviously his father knew manners, and only after he closed the door he started to scold Namjoon. He had two words out then he saw there was someone else in the room. Seokjin smiled nervously and stood up.
“Hi uncle, I am Kim Seokjin.”
“Dad, he’s my boyfriend. I was planning to tell you about him-”
His father obviously got shocked by the word ‘boyfriend’. His son was taller than him, it wasn’t easy to raise his hand and punch him in the face. When he saw Seokjin, he lowered his voice to Namjoon, “So you just decided to bring him?”
“How did you suddenly know, dad?”
“Were you just deciding to cover the fact that you are gay until I die? So then you can do whatever you want?”
“Of course not! Dad, did you come here yourself? Please sit, please sit…”
“How can I tell my subordinates about this and accompany me?”
Seokjin got a teapot from the table and poured tea for Namjoon’s father. Namjoon’s father looked at him with furrowed eyebrows, but took the tea from Seokjin.
Kim Seokjin was different than he expected, he looked approachable and mature.
“Kim Seokjin is it?”
“Uncle.”
Namjoon felt like rolling his eyes. His dad was always nice to kids not his own.
“What do you do?”
“He works with me, dad, he-”
“You be quiet.”
“Uncle, I work in the same facility as Namjoon. I am his right hand man. I am mainly responsible for meeting arrangements and speeches.”
Namjoon felt a cold sweat for Seokjin, Seokjin was talking like he was reporting something to the government. He was actually not bad at it.
“How old are you?”
“I’ll be thirty three at end of year.”
“Why are you asking this dad? It’s late, are you sleeping over at my place tonight? I told Seokjin not to come but he insisted, why don’t we call it a day, tomorrow I-”
“Did I ask you to talk?”
Namjoon deflated.
“Uncle, I know Namjoon for a long time. We are serious and talked about responsibilities and the future. We are both of age. I think being together, we will feel more fulfillment and satisfaction than the troubles we are going to face. It must be hard for you, but we-”
“Dad, we are not going to pretend to break up or pull some tricks so you can be happy. If you are not happy we’ll not hover around you. I am really happy right now, so can you not stop us. I’ve always been interested in men, you read a lot, and probably see it in the military too. Really dad, I can live like this for the rest of my life, it’s useless trying to set me up with girls, I-”
“You guys finished?”
Namjoon’s dad sat on the sofa. His back straight, he looked at Seokjin then looked at his son. He knows about this, there’s some rumors in military of course. If it didn’t impact others, he doesn’t bother punishing them. It’s just sometimes he’ll mention it with his friends about how he didn’t get it. He didn’t know his son was just like them. In the afternoon his friend Jeon called him about this, said that his son had a male lover who was the owner of a night club, when he saw his son the guy was cooking in his home. Jeon was so mad that he locked the guy in the military camp.
Jeon gave his son a good beating, said everything, but it was useless. His son found the guy and left with him, then refused to answer his call. Jeon doesn’t know what to do but practice punching in the camp to prepare for when he sees his son again.
Namjoon’s dad knew punching Namjoon will be useless. It was obvious they were here to catch him off guard, confessing and saying they were wrong. He felt his brain was going to combust, how come his son was so good at hiding his sexuality, he never even heard about relationship rumours in thirty years!
“Dad, look, why don’t we call it a night? There’s no resolution for this. I’ll drive Seokjin hyung back first, you sleep at my place, and I’ll let your subordinates find a hotel for you to stay for the night if you want to stay here.” Namjoon knew how to be decisive when he needed be, once he said what he wanted he dragged Seokjin and left as quickly as he could.
His father remained in the living room bulging his eyes out.
****
Taking Seokjin back in his car, Namjoon felt pretty content, not nervous at all and not afraid his dad’s gonna make him kneel for the whole night.
“We passed the first test. Once I am back I am going to find out who’s the little shit that told my dad about this. I was so good at hiding it for all these years.” Then, remembering Seokjin was on the car with him, he coughed, “See? Hyung, it’s fine. I won’t get punched when I go back, I am telling you.”
“Your dad doesn’t have high blood pressure or heart problems right?”
“My dad’s very healthy for his age!”
“Let him say what he want to say, say good things so he feels better.”
“Understand!” Namjoon leaned over and pecked Seokjin on the cheek. “I’ll see you at the office tomorrow.”
Namjoon turned his car around only after he saw the lights in Seokjin’s place come on.
The next day Namjoon came to work gritting his teeth. The whole department noticed his bad mood and stayed far away from him. Only Seokjin knocked on his door.
“Next time when I see Jungkook he’s going to regret being born. I helped him and covered up for his mistakes all his life and this is how he repays me, by ratting me out.”
Seokjin poured coffee and passed it to Namjoon. Namjoon’s angry mood deflated half after he ranted it out. “Jungkook’s basically somewhere having fun with his man now.”
“Your dad left?”
“Yeah, he says those things come in to my right ear and goes out from the left. He left this morning.”
“Call him in the evening.”
“Hyung, you are so kind.” Namjoon sipped his coffee, “My dad didn’t mention you but only lectured me after you left. I think he is really happy about you. If it’s in another circumstance I think he would have accepted you immediately.”
“Happy about me? Well, I did get lured in by his son-”
“Lured in? How did I ever lure you in?”
Seokjin giggled, and Namjoon joined in. When Seokjin left the office Namjoon started planning to finding Jungkook and give him what he deserves.