Chapter Text
AO3 Hidden Desires chapter 22
Despite the calming draught and soothing massage, Hermione struggled to quiet her racing thoughts. Every time she closed her eyes, the same troubling nightmares surfaced. She knew she needed several hours of restful sleep but hesitated to rely on potions, fearing that a dose of dreamless sleep would leave her groggy and confused in the morning. After confirming that Narcissa was fast asleep, she carefully disentangled herself from the Potion Mistress’s embrace, stealthily getting out of bed and quietly leaving the room. Staying close, she settled next to the fire in Narcissa’s private study and began her research, which mainly involved reading. It wasn’t until the first light of morning that she finally nodded off at her desk.
Unfortunately, she forgot to reinforce the silencing charms before her midnight escapades. Her screams caused her guards and Narcissa to come running. Thankfully, Narcissa reached her side first and managed to cover her so they wouldn’t see the full extent of her scars, which she easily waved off. Noticing the look in her eyes, Scottie quickly pulled her partner from the room, giving them the privacy they needed. Once Narcissa calmed Hermione enough for her to see reason, they moved to the sofa. Grabbing the thick blanket that was placed on its back, she quickly wrapped it around them and pulled the brunette into her arms as she said, “You should have woken me, Hermione. I am here for you. Do you want to talk about any of it?” She knew it was a general question, but she also recognized that there was too much going through her young lover's head in that moment. As if sensing a shift in her emotions, she kissed the top of her head and drew her closer, allowing them to sit together in the silence and snuggle.
“I can’t get my mind to shut off. It’s been so long since I’ve had a panic attack as intense as that after sex. And adding to that, with everything else happening, when I close my eyes, the nightmares start up again. Then there’s this bond forming between us. Oh, and let’s not forget that my ex-girlfriend tried to manipulate me, Ronald Wesley has been released from prison, someone is trying to utterly destroy me, and Minerva McGonagall just offered to blood adopt me.” Hermione said softly after several long, silent minutes. She wasn’t even sure if she would say anything at all until it all just spilled out. It felt as if her carefully reconstructed world was beginning to implode, and she was about to bring down those closest to her. Pulling her knees up to her chest, she folded her arms on top of them and rested her head on her forearms. “I’m not sure why that happened earlier. The sex was amazing, and we both definitely enjoyed ourselves. It felt like something started to cloud my mind, and I had no control over it.
Choosing to gently run her fingers through Hermione’s soft, somewhat tame locks, she lovingly scratched her nails along her scalp, bringing forth a soothing groan from the distressed witch. Seizing this moment of distraction, Narcissa continued to comfort her for a few minutes, giving Hermione the time she needed to gather her thoughts and share without adding to her worries. “Let’s tackle this together, one step at a time, dear witch. We can start with something simple: Minerva has always been a wonderful protector for you. By completing this ritual, she’ll achieve several meaningful things. First, it will change your blood status. I understand that might not seem important to you, but for many, it’s significant and helps to uphold our laws. Secondly, it’s clear as day that she cares so much for you and sees you as a daughter. This is a chance for you to receive her family’s magic and rich history, along with her family’s Wizengamot seat. But most importantly, know that she loves you, and you love her right back. Your mutual respect and fierce love for each other is truly something special.
“Regarding this bond, I have as many questions as you do. Since neither of us can sleep, why don’t we ask my house elf to search my private library at the manor for books on the subject? This might also keep your mind occupied if I fall asleep. As for the other matters, I don’t have answers. Perhaps some form of mind magic triggered the reaction you described. It's also possible that your Occlumency barriers collapsed, allowing your subconscious to resurface.” Narcissa felt a shift from Hermione when, to her surprise, the younger witch leaned over and kissed her cheek, making her blush. It had been quite some time since someone had shown her such affection, and she felt a bit embarrassed by her reaction after everything she had endured. “What was that for?”
“For being you.” Hermione gave her a warm smile as her heart swelled. Unsure how it happened, she managed to do what no one had done for quite some time… she somehow worked her way into Hermione’s closely guarded, if not closed off, heart. Despite the chaos that spun within her mind, her body sagged into Narcissa’s touch. She thought she was destined for the life of a Spinster, destined to be alone.
~time skip~
The hours slowly crept by as the two witches continued reading throughout the night. As Narcissa predicted, she did end up falling asleep, and Hermione was able to keep her mind occupied. That surprised her the most. She couldn’t recall the last time she could research for so long and center herself around a singular issue. Thinking back on it brought a smile to her face. She couldn’t believe how well things were going. For so long, she thought she would never be able to find such peace. It felt like she had finally been able to find herself again. The incident- as she preferred to call it- had taken everything from her.
Hermione forcefully shook her head, not allowing her thoughts to continue down that avenue. Quietly exiting Narcissa’s bedroom, she rounded the corner and was pleasantly surprised to find Narcissa curled up with a cup of coffee and a book. When her eyes landed on her, she watched her face light up. Softly padding over to her, Hermione cupped the side of Narcissa’s smooth cheek, ran her thumb over her aristocratic cheek bones, and said, “Good morning. Thank you for last night, well… for everything.” Unable to help it, a slight blush crept over her features and made Narcissa give her a soft smile. “I’m going to head out for my workout and stop off at Harry’s. Did you want me to let Fleur know you’re waiting for her? I am led to believe that she is not exactly a morning person.”
Narcissa snorted into her cup at this. Already having first hand knowledge of the type of person Fleur was in the morning after little sleep, she said, “That would be fine with me darling. I’m going to start getting ready for the day anyway. If for some reason she’s up, then she is more than welcome to come over. I will ensure that there is more than enough caffeine waiting.” She slowly unfolded herself from the sofa and gently placed her cup on the end table before pulling Hermione into a tender embrace. Holding her close, she felt the brunette’s arms wrap around her and tighten momentarily. They both seemed lost in the other’s arms and comforting smells. Despite Narcissa getting a little more sleep than Hermione, it was still a very long evening for both of them.
Reluctantly pulling back, Hermione saw the flash of concern that danced through Narcissa’s gaze. Ready to lay those concerns to rest, she said, “I’ll be fine, Cissa. Working out helps me clear my mind, and it will give me a chance to continue with my animagus training.”
Not wanting to argue with Hermione first thing in the morning and risk saying something they both would regret, she asked, “Do you need me to help with your back before you leave?”
“Once I’m back and after my shower.” Hermione carefully replied, still unsure how to handle her vulnerability. Knowing what she looks like and accepting it are two different things, and she has no clue how to rectify that. As much as she tried to hide it, she saw the exact moment when Narcissa knew what she was thinking. Not ready to hear what Narcissa was going to say, she pulled her in for a passionate kiss, effectively shutting down whatever her lover was getting prepared to say.
Pulling back, Hermione took a step away. She had to put some distance between whatever this was. She smiled warmly and said, “I’ll be back before you know it.”
“And I will be here waiting for you, darling.” Narcissa carefully replied, wrapping her arms around herself. She wanted nothing more than to wrap Hermione up in a firm embrace… to help protect her from all the negativity. Leaning against the door frame with her coffee, she watched the Young Professor gather the rest of her things. Hermione was hiding something, and Narcissa wasn’t about to let the witch’s mind fester on those inconceivable thoughts. The problem was getting Hermione to drop her guard and open up.
~Hermione POV~
Hermione ran through the empty halls in her animagus form, ensuring she did as her Mentor instructed. She focused on how her body felt as it ran over the smooth stones, how her muscles tightened as she propelled her body forward, and how her mind was completely blank.
Her paws barely made a sound as they slammed down, her body coiled tightly as she finally reached the main doors. She was startled when a smaller door swung open, and instinct had her continue to propel her body forward. She would have to ask Min about that later. For now, she had to move forward with her plans. Despite running through the halls alone, her guards were waiting for her outside the main entrance. Both Aurors had their brooms propped up against their shoulders and gave her a look that said, “We knew you would try this.”
Not really in the mood to chat, Hermione immediately started stretching. Even with her eyes closed, her magic acted like a sixth sense, telling her if anyone was lurking around the corner. Her mind was a jumble of thoughts that easily conflicted with her churning emotions. It had only taken a couple of days for her life to fall apart.
Although she felt the urge to blame those nearest to her, deep down she realized it wasn’t right. Harry and Fleur were simply joining her as Professors, and Minerva was only doing her job by hiring them. Even the Auror, who was there to guard her and check her mail, wasn’t to blame. Then her thoughts drifted to Narcissa. Narcissa felt like a mystery; she just seemed to glide into her life, effortlessly waltzing past all her defenses. No matter how hard she tried to keep her heart secure behind all those barriers, Narcissa had a way of breaking through them with ease. Despite her efforts, she struggled to find a simple explanation for this deep connection.
Hermione tried to shake away the thoughts, but they quickly transformed into beautiful images. She remembered how Narcissa’s face lit up when she truly smiled and how her eyes seemed to hold a twinkle of mischief that danced in their hidden depths. Their magic was drawn to each other, and there was no way to explain it. Typically, this would have driven her crazy—the mystery of it all. But for once, she didn’t feel the urge to search for answers or reasons why. She was determined to simply reclaim what had been taken from her and focus on living the life she wanted.
She focused on her breathing, feeling the rhythm of her footsteps on the dirt road as she made her way to Hogsmeade. Although she had promised to stay within the wards for safety, they were starting to feel a bit stifling, almost as if they were closing in on her. She was determined not to be confined again—never again. With her thoughts racing, she prepared to switch forms when she suddenly heard a twig snap. In an instant, her wand was raised, and her magic burst forth with fierce determination, eagerly searching for the nearest magical signature.
Just moments later, Auror Scott and Bailey touched down next to her, their wands held firmly in hand. The three of them stood back to back, forming a protective triangle, determined not to give whatever lurked in the shadows any advantage. The crisp morning air enveloped them, contrasting with the moisture on their skin, sending a delightful shiver down their spines. The leaves were beginning to shimmer with hints of gold and crimson as Fall gracefully made its presence known. "Can you sense what’s out there?” Auror Scott inquired, their eyes darting as they continued to scan the surroundings.
“No, not at all. If there’s something out there, it must have found a way to hide its presence. Did either of you notice anything unusual while you were flying?” Hermione responded, her voice lacking warmth. Just then, another twig snapped, and without missing a beat, Hermione cast a stunner toward the sound, but it only met emptiness.
Before anyone could react, another snap echoed around them, and a timid voice called out, “Don’t shoot! I’m unarmed and mean no harm!”
A shiver of surprise ran through Hermione when she heard that familiar voice. After everything they had been through together, she would never forget it. Hermione had once thought they were meant to be, only to have her heart completely broken by the witch. With a deep breath, she stepped out from behind the tree, raising her hand in a gesture of peace to show she was unarmed. “Hermione… I only want to talk. Please, just a moment of your time.”
“What the hell do you want, Alexis? I believed I made it clear that I want nothing to do with you.”
With a cautious step forward, Alexis tried to make herself appear as small as she could while softly replying, "We didn’t have the opportunity to talk privately, Mi…”
"Do not call me that! You have no right, and you shouldn’t have gone through the hassle of finding me. I made it clear that I want nothing to do with you.” Hermione shouted into the morning air, startling the birds in the trees, which took flight.
“That’s just it, Hermione, I didn’t get the chance to speak with you. I tried to apologize, but some witch whisked you away before we could finish our conversation.” Alexis spat the end of her statement with such venom. “She was draped all over you and even controlled you! Acting like you’re an object instead of a person!”
“It would be wise for you to keep Narcissa out of this, Alexis.” Hermione’s tone grew deadly, sending a shiver up everyone’s spine. Noticing her ex wince at her tone, she continued, “There’s nothing left to say. You were the one who left. You were the one who broke my heart. You were one of the few people who knew the real me. For all I know, your leaving was what caused me to miscarry.”
“You didn’t even want the baby! You were the one who said you were thinking of killing an innocent child!” Alexis fought back, struggling to stand her ground against Hermione’s glare.
“I was discussing the situation with you, damn it! Don’t you dare turn this around on me! You fucking left me heartbroken and made it clear what you thought of me. Listen very carefully to what I’m saying, Ms. Porto… I want nothing to do with you. I don’t want to speak to you, I don’t want any more letters—enchanted or otherwise. I do not want you in my bloody life, for Godric’s sake! Now, I’ll be leaving to finish my workout before I have to teach, and don’t bother trying to contact me ever again.” Not giving her ex-girlfriend a chance to reply, Hermione spun around and started running—well, more like sprinting—back toward Hogwarts, and she decided (or was forced) to change the routine she had planned for that morning.
Auror Bailey promptly trailed Hermione, while Auror Scott remained behind to make sure they weren’t being followed. “If I were in your position, Miss Porto, I would heed the words of that incredibly powerful and fierce witch. There’s a saying, after all: No means no. Consider her advice seriously... for your own safety.”
Back at Hogwarts-
The sun’s rays were beginning to shine through the large windows in the apartment's living room as the occupant had just finished getting ready to face the day. Chasing away the lingering darkness, the room began to warm from the natural lighting. Hopefully, this day will run much smoother than yesterday. Grabbing her coffee, she began to make her way towards the sofa when suddenly there was a hard knock at the door. Not bothering to put her cup down, she quickly went to answer the door and prayed, “I hope nothing had happened this morning.” Her heart rate doubled when she saw that Fleur wasn’t alone. “Good morning, Fleur, Harry. I thought you would’ve been out with Hermione by now. Is everything okay?”
The couple exchanged a glance that sent a shiver down Narcissa’s spine. Harry stepped closer, gently resting a comforting hand on her forearm as he said, “Hermione hadn’t stopped by our rooms. We came by to check if she was still here, hoping she was just getting a later start.”
Stepping aside, she fully opened the door and invited, “Please come in. I just brewed a pot of coffee, and you’re welcome to wait for her.” Though she seemed calm, her thoughts were a whirlwind. Hermione acted as if Harry would join her. Without a second thought, she shut the door and hurried to the living room, her mind racing with what could happen next.
A tense silence settled over the group, leaving everyone feeling a bit lost for words. Questions began swirling in their minds as they reflected on Hermione’s unusual behavior. Narcissa felt her worries mounting, and as those thoughts crept in, they slowly chipped away at her Occlumency shields. She reassured herself not to pry, but Hermione had seemed different since last night. Was there a lack of trust? Did Hermione truly feel the need to guard her heart, even from her? So wrapped up in her musings, she nearly jumped when Harry gently touched her arm. With a slight flinch, she softly replied, “I’m sorry, Harry. I just got a bit carried away in my thoughts. What were you saying?”
Emerald eyes pierced through Narcissa's facade, causing him to shift uncomfortably in his seat. He despised needing to ask this, yet realized he couldn’t rely on his best friend to openly share the details. With a sigh, he continued, “I tried to check on Hermione’s well-being, particularly after yesterday. Given the glamour charm you’re sporting this morning, I can only guess it was a… challenging night. How did she appear before she left? Did it seem as though she was hiding something?”
Unsure how to respond, Narcissa turned her head slightly as she carefully considered what to say. The last thing she wanted was to break Hermione’s confidence. With no other option, she decided to approach this as Slytherin as possible. “It was a long night, and Hermione experienced a panic attack. As for this morning, the first time I saw her was when she was getting ready to leave. We exchanged only a few pleasantries before she left.” Her body thrummed with anxiety, prompting her to stand and move toward the windows that offered a stunning view of the Hogwarts grounds down to the Great Lake. Without turning around, she asked, “Has she ever shown a sudden change in behavior and personality?” An uneasy feeling began to blossom in the pit of her stomach.
As if reading his mind, Fleur gently touched Harry’s shoulder and shook her head slightly. He had a tendency to speak before thinking, and this was not the right moment. They noticed that Narcissa was struggling with something, and the last thing they wanted was to make matters worse. He slumped back into the sofa, deciding it would be best for Fleur to handle this. His upbringing made it difficult for him to connect emotionally with others… the exception being Hermione. Getting to her feet, Fleur walked over to her friend and stood cautiously beside her, careful not to startle her. As Fleur surveyed the view, she calmly explained, “Over the past couple of years, this has happened a few times. However, ever since Minerva took her under her wing and started teaching, it seemed like she finally began to settle down—minus a couple of days here and there. But we knew when that would happen and were able to prepare for it. This year will be different, though, and we’ll all need to stay alert.”
“How so?”
“Harry and I came to Hogwarts, Ronald was released, the forced press conference, finding you, and Alexis trying to get in touch…” Fleur paused, compelling Narcissa to turn and face her. She could see the worry etched on her face and the anxiety in her eyes. Pulling her toward Harry and their coffees, Fleur continued, “So much has changed for her already, and she has never handled change very well. It usually starts with her keeping secrets and having trouble sleeping. Then comes the drinking. She will try to drown her sorrows, and there’s been no way to stop her. Minerva won’t allow her to leave the castle when that happens, worried that something might happen to her, and knowing that the last thing Hermione needs is for the press to catch wind of her drunken escapades. But as I said, this is different.”
Narcissa deflated before their eyes. She was accustomed to being the strong, emotionless pure-blood ice queen. However, just a few seconds later, she straightened up, her heartache and anger shining through. The duo quickly noticed the sudden shift, and Fleur gently asked, “Are you okay?” As she looked into her friend's eyes, seeing the surprise and confusion reflected back, she continued, “Did you sense something? Did you suddenly pick up on a spike in Hermione’s emotions? What do you feel?” With a gentle shake from the potion mistress, she encouraged, “Focus on those feelings. Close your eyes and just feel. Imagine you're meditating, and let all other thoughts drift away except for what is in your heart.”
Closing her eyes, Narcissa began her meditative process. As she organized her thoughts, she diligently worked her way through everything and found the foreign emotions battling against her shields, trying to overwhelm her. The moment her mind touched the chaotic energy, it felt as if her world exploded. Overwhelmed by an enormous amount of information, she began to feel lost. Thankfully, Fleur was beside her, helping to guide and ground her. It took several more minutes before she could finally reply. “I’m feeling enraged, and my heart aches. She was surprised during her run by something. I can’t tell you about the confrontation, but she seems angry about having to change her plans. All I can say is that she is heading back to Hogwarts and is furious about it.”
“Did you want to go meet her at the door, Harry? It sounds like Hermione might need some extra support. We both know all about the walls she’ll undoubtedly have in place by the time she gets back," Fleur asked, still cupping Narcissa’s hands while sitting on a beautifully soft brown leather couch that was as smooth as butter.
Grateful that her lover was easily able to recognize the hint, she waited for him to head out before she continued. “I know this seems crazy and your very confused at the moment, but I am going to walk you through an exercise mon ami. Are you still in touch with those roaring emotions? If so, just give me a small nod and keep your focus on it.” She only had to wait a few seconds before Narcissa gave her a nod. “Good, now then, I want you to focus on your feelings for Hermione. Are you crazy for her? Does she seem to understand you in ways no one else has? What about her makes the relationship between you two seem so special? Take all those positive and caring emotions, and I want you to send them through that link you found. You should be able to feel the moment Hermione’s emotions respond.”
With ease, Narcissa followed Fleur’s instructions and let out a loud gasp the moment she felt Hermione’s response. Shock and surprise radiated through her, along with devotion, care, and an almost loving sensation. This feeling made her very soul sing with delight. Turning to her friend, she attempted to ask what had just happened, but it was as if her mind had momentarily disconnected, leaving her able only to open and close her mouth. As a mug was pressed into her hands, she unconsciously took a sip, narrowly avoiding burning the roof of her mouth on the hot coffee. The sharp sensation brought everything back into focus, and Narcissa was finally able to ask, “What was all of that? Why could I feel Hermione’s emotions? Why was I able to share my own with her?”
Just as Fleur was about to share her thoughts, Harry walked back in... but he was alone. This made Narcissa jump to her feet, her voice filled with concern as she asked, “Where is Hermione? Did you find out what happened earlier? And what about Auror Bailey and Auror Scott?”
“Take a breath, Narcissa. Merlin, you and Hermione must have a third lung to be able to fire off questions like that,” Harry replied while trying to get the Potion Mistress to sit down again. Ensuring that Narcissa was sandwiched between him and Fleur, he continued, “Hermione decided she needed to carry on with her workout and made sure to inform me that I wasn’t needed. Auror Bailey and Scott are with her. Before you ask, I don’t know where they went or what happened earlier. Hermione’s occlumency shields were clamped down tightly, and I don’t believe we’ll be seeing her at breakfast.” Feeling Narcissa’s body grow rigid, he added, “It would be best to leave her alone at the moment. I haven’t seen her this angry in at least a year and a half. Please, Narcissa, I know you want to run after her, but that wouldn’t be wise. Any other time would be different. She would never forgive herself if she accidentally hurt you.”
Her determination started to waver as she noticed Harry’s downcast posture and truly listened to his words. While Narcissa pondered in silence, Fleur turned to Harry, silently hoping for a few more moments with their friend. Understanding her unspoken plea, Harry placed a gentle hand on Narcissa’s forearm, giving it a reassuring squeeze as he said, “I know this is overwhelming and tough for you. But remember, you’re not alone in this. I need to have a quick conversation about my classes with someone, but I’ll be sure to catch up with you and Fleur at breakfast.” He waited for a reply, and when none came, he shared a knowing glance with Fleur before quietly stepping away to let them enjoy their coffees together.
Waiting for her wonderful mate to leave, Fleur turned to Narcissa and said, “I believe you had some questions earlier?” Expecting her friend to jump at the offer of an explanation, she was surprised when Narcissa remained still. Upon closer inspection, she noticed how the tension pinched at the corners of Narcissa’s mouth and weighed down her shoulders. At this point, she was almost like a statue, and Fleur began to grow concerned. This was the first time Narcissa was experiencing Hermione’s reclusiveness, and she didn’t seem prepared for how standoffish the little witch had become. This time, Fleur gently shook her fellow professor before asking, “Are you alright, mon ami?”
Trying to take stock of her conflicting emotions, Narcissa leaned back and tilted her head toward the ceiling. Sighing heavily, she replied, “I don’t know what to feel right now, Fleur. I’m genuinely concerned for Hermione. Her mental health has taken some significant hits lately. Last night's panic attack…” The words seemed to get stuck, subconsciously not wanting to reveal anything.
“Judging by your behavior and reluctance to share, I’d say it happened after the two of you were intimate.” Narcissa’s head snapped up as she locked eyes with Fleur. Noticing how hesitant her friend still was, Fleur added, “You don’t need to say anything. Although Harry can be a bit oblivious at times, I usually know the truth. I understand Hermione and how her mind works. Just be patient, mon ami, and give her the space she’s asking for. The fact that she doesn’t want you to see this side of her speaks volumes about your developing relationship. While you might not be able to support her physically, you can still be there for her on an emotional level that no one else can ever match.
The duo fell silent once again, one concerned about her younger lover and the other preoccupied with her friends. Although they were in completely different headspaces, at the end of the day, they both shared the same worries and questions. The most pressing of these was how to help Hermione heal.