Chapter Text
Wasuke looked over from the drivers seat. “And you’re sure you didn’t put it in your purse?”
Urtaruto sighed. “Bae you know I don’t go anywhere without my shock collar”
“I’m sure kiba has a spare” emo said, opening the door and climbing out. Yearuto sighed and pretended to open the nonexistent passenger door that he had yanked out in chapter 3.
“in this exonomy?”
They actually went to class for once and the bell rang and morning announcements started
“Everyone remember to buy tickets for prom. They’re $9000 dollars each to fund the rebuilding of the left wing after the spontaneous combustion of our kiln in the art room. The department of education is defunded now so students will be covering the costs. Also, we will be having French toast sticks for lunch.”
Irukhoe pregnantly tapped a finger on his suspiciously white desk as he scribbled off another closed down [REDACTED] clinic. Laruro was too busy trying to decipher the mysterious symbols on the board
“And now for the pledge of allegiance”
The entire class stood up and turned to the Dean Winchester bisexual pride flag in the corner of the room before reciting in unison. “I never fucked Wayne, I never fucked Drake, all my life man fucks sake If I did, I'd ménage with em and let em eat my ass like a cupcake”
Qartito looked around the room. Ino was sitting down and reading for once.
“She must be a cardi stan” He said to stick and poke emo
“Touch grass” Iryka suggested.
“Touch whose ass” raccoon man said, eyeing rock bee. Rock bee did a single sit up.
“Anyway today’s lesson is the history of prom” Irukoe said. “So we will be playing dress to impress on Roblox to immerse ourselves in the culture.”
“This is so classist some of us can’t afford VIP” Sasuks said before putting a hand on yaruntos shoulder
Shikamaru attempted to open his laptop. He let out a sigh as his hand passed through. Life was like one never ending fa—drag.
“Ok who dressed up as Gerard way?!” Iruka screamed, traumatized like the millennial he was. Everyone looked at Emo fag who was too busy sucking baruto’s dick in sympathy. Not every orphan was rich like Batman.
The bell rang and they left. None of them liked school and it was overdone as a plot device anyway so they decided to ditch and go prom dress shopping at Ross dress for Less
“How about this one” tarduto said, holding up a galaxy print skater dress
Samfske hit his dab pen and blew it in the face of a passing toddler. “Looks great babe”
“It needs more jewels” Sakura commented from her spot on the bench. She finished her text and hit send
Sigh
Sender: bitch I wish you were here
Sender: these faggots r driving me crazy
Sender: might get chick fil a later to make up 4 it
Recipient: shut up cunt
Recipient: I'd kill to be at ross dress for less
Recipient: I'm with the gay r tards my stepdad made me take to the mall
Recipient: at Hot Topic and I've never seen so many emo ppl in my life
Sender: I would kms
Recipient: they might before i get the chance
Sender: lol
Sender: might meet u there later
Sender: the emo cunt wanted a clit piercing from the claire's next door
Recipient: another one?
Across the store Kakashee was passing by the household goods when he came across a suspiciously familiar item.
“Why is it 1.99? It’s worth 4 dollars at least” he cried
“Heavy use.” The carrot orange swirl mask cashier said
“Gently loved” cockashee corrected
“Not by me”
Kakashi grabbed it and dodged three gang shootouts on his way to the checkout. He set Obito’s Dick and a pump gallon bottle of lube on the counter and went to pay but then remembered that he was mugged by the cops outside after an intense beyblade tournament.
“Sir you’re holding up the line.”
“Do u guys do afterpay? I need to finance this”
Barsunto looked over from his lanacore ethel Cain tiktok buzzword vintage lightly shat bloomers. “This isn’t the Salvation Army. Go be homeless somewhere else”
“Babe look isn’t this perfect” Assfuck emo said and then Nawrtuo turned around and gasped in utter shock and amazement. It was perfect.
They showed up to prom in a Benz and then rapidly fled from the scene. Blonde fuck tripped on his dress climbing up the stairs and dropped only one of his sparkling blue high heels precariously on the steps.
“Ur too fat for me to drag all fhe way in” swahjke complained
“Yeah lay off the ramen fat ass” Choji added and as he passed by two buttons popped off from the strain of his suit and hit the blond fairy tale fuck directly in his light blue orbs.
Nagruto cried and gave himself an extra shot of Ozempic. After itaruto was lifted up the steps by a helicopter they arrived at prom.. just in time to witness the award ceremony.
Irukhoe had the mic at the stage. And by stage I mean a pride float that was covered in pictures of David Bowie. Irukhoe was dressed in dolphin footie pajamas to hide his pregnancy bump
“Ok fagits the prom king and queen results are in.”
Narhuto gasped dramatically. He started to prepare his Lana Del Rey inspired acceptance speech when Irukoe suddenly announced the winner.
“The 69th kudos person” Iruka announced & did a mic drop
The crowd gasped and a random baby started crying in the back of the room. Narluto fainted in shock. the emo fag side stepped his convulsing bf to scream.
“Bitch what?!” Sasuke cried in angsty outrage. He did a hair flip angrily. How dare they not choose the orphan coupl
“The 69th kudos person is both king and queen. They were a guest kudos so we’ll never know who it was.” Irukhoe explained. “And they could even be something in between.”
“Who the fuck voted for this!!!!!!?!?!!”
“Nobody.” Kakashi said. “Iruka said nobody without 17.3 forms of documented American citizenship could participate in the election.”
Round bun bitch sighed from her spot as runner up for prom queen. ”I forgot he voted for trump”
They all watched as killer bee was deported. And sadly goku as well.
“He had the pass” kakashi explained.
”Okay whatever now let’s talk about some REAL systematic issues” Naruto said. “WHY WASNT I VOTED PROM QUEEN?!” He did a princess twirl in his dress to show it off, reflecting the pink sparkly flowers hot glued onto the mesh SHEIN camo print.
“Didn’t you hear? They got rid of DEI” ino said
“About time. Didn’t you know that those plane crashes were caused by DEI? Liberals can’t drive for shit.” Iruka said.
“Shut your mpreg ass UP” The blond prom queen failure retorted
“No can we talk about this actually. Why is one of the only established teachers a conservative pregnant vaguely trans gay guy” shikamaru said. No one paid attention to him but rock Lee did 69 one toe jumping jacks on the dancefloor.
Everyone cheered and sufdenly YMCA started playing. They quickly moved onto thriller by michel Jackson but specifically a cover that was made aftrr his race transition.
The DEI free music was interrupted by a record scratch when Kakashi grabbed the mic. “WHICH ONE OF YOU SMUT ADDICTED HOMOS BOUGHT OBJTOS DICK”
Everyone stared and kakashi realized he didn’t use the populations native tongue. “Whch fgt bght bto’s dck gng r we deadahh? 🥀”
One of the students named Karui spoke up “ts pmo twin nb gaf abt ur dead fiancé fr🙏”
“Frfr” her bestfrend Omoi agreed.
Kakashi quickly went to the gendered bathrooms to kill himself. But on the sink next to the multicolored magic trick scarf he was about to swallow he found a mysteriously scribbled note.
Notes: LOOK UP
cockaseh looked up to see a drawing of obositos dick duck taped to the ceiling. He let out a dramatic gasp as it came to life and started to multiply exponentially
“Bitch you doing homework right now for real?” Kakashi asked the dick which was holding a pencil and a calculator for assistance with the multiplication problem worksheet.
The dick quickly hopped out of the room with kakashi in hot fursuit
On the dancefloor everyone was doing the cha cha slide
“This reminds me of prison”
“Sluts? Prison?… Nagisa?”
Jarunto paused his Australian breakdance routine to look around in confusion. “Why am I not getting fucked rn”
Across the room Sadfske quickly exchanged items with orochinarou. He stuffed them in his pocket and handed the cash over before looking around
“Are you sure you want to do this with cash?? You could pay me in other ways” snake man suggested snakily. Beside him, Karbuto tried not to look jealous as he posed Like a faggot with one leg up on the wall.
Joe Exotic spotted the angsty pose and swiftly took a picture to post on Instagram. Hopefully he didn’t do anything crazy with it like pleading Donald trump to give him a presidential pardon. That would just be ridiculous.
“this uchiha bussy is off limits” Shaskay did a hair flip with his 26” bussdown install
“Come on babe let’s leave these stunted fetal alcohol syndrome ass bitches” Narcuto used talk no jutsu to lure Sasuke away from Orochumaru,. “This dance is just an excuse for our freak off foreplay anyway”
It didn’t work actually and then Naruto realized that what he got wrong in the show was that he never used sexy jutsu to convince Sasuke to come back.
“Sexy jutsu is just regular jutsu to a nonchalant chill guy like me” ekusas said
“Bae ur getting groomed. I just want you to come home.” Naruto said uncharacteristically srrious.
Sasuke brooded lookimg at the dance floor and then made up his retarded mind. “Can I give u an ankle tat and a foot job if we go home rn?”
“Fine. But I need to grab my purse”
Just then the doors burst open and obitos dick hopped out, breaking the sound barrier and knocking over Mr dude who was doing a cuntfag one-handed walking lotus handstand. He grabbed his crack pipe from his ass and lit it as he reflected his life choices and quick spiral into addiction
“SOMEBODY STOP THAT DICK” Cockashi moaned desperately. He proceeded to yank sai’s fishnet stockings off of his legs to throw and hopefully capture the penis.
Undeterred, the appendage hopped onto the head of an overdosing student and launched out the open window. Without hesitation Kakashi shattered the closed window next to it to climb thru
Anyway on the dance floor irukoe joined his fuck ass students and confiscated an unlabeled ketamine vape for later. Narsuto couldn’t find his y2k bedazzled purse so he decided to give an inspiring speech at the podium instead
“Whoever finds obito dick first gets a night with my furry costume”
Everyone booed. Kiba fled the gymnasium to return the costume to narusto’s closet
“Is it inflatable?” One interested student inquired.
Naweuto sighed. “I’ll throw in my peyote stash too”
Everyone screeched to the nearest exit but Mr dude got there first on his rocket powered wheelchair. Oh yeah he was disabled now for diversi-*REDACTED*
Outside, sasgay was sucking dick. Since he promised to be faithful the only one he could find was his own. Naruko met him by his Nissan Altima and they drove away leaving 43 dead and several injured
eMobile was sad as fuck. Narrdo hadn’t given him a corset before prom… he make an angry Pinterest post about it and proceeded to sell all of narhuto’s personal information to a big bboobed artificial intelligence bot and immediately regretted it and slit his wrists
“Sorry I acted straight for a second”
“Don’t care didn’t ask plus ur mom’s gay. OMG IS THAT MURR FROM IMPRACTICAL JOKERS?!”
A loud crash interryotes their make out sesh and nraruto got out of the car. The dick lay in the road breathing it’s last breaths…
“QUICK! MOUTH TO MOUTH!” Narubo screeched
Kakashe quickly jumped out of the bushes and was severely disappointed. ☹️ it wasn’t obeitos dick after all it was just it was actually just a dick
Mute from impractical jokers coughed up a blood clot in the shape of its lung passageways. “please help me I’m on my way to my underage girlfriends house”
They drove away to attend a local barebacking competition which they obviously won. They celebrated by hot oxing a limo with 4 baby raccoons inside.
The next day school was cancelled N put under lockdown for a terrorist threat. At approximately 4:78 am, someone sent in an anonymous message to the principal demanding $3 in exchange for obetto’s dick. Since they were a public school they couldn’t afford to pay it with their slashed government funding
So insyead the tardites traveled to Roku City to fuck doggy style on top of the McDonalds ad. Strangely there was no Mcdonalds inside of the ad so they found an alleyway nearby and took the Batmobile’s tires off for a light snack.
The next day was graduation and it was then that karuto found out that he didn’t have enuf credits To graduate because he hadn’t gone to class in 2 years so he decided to attend the Wizard101 graduation instead.
He posed with Merle Ambrose. “The haters said I couldn’t do it. They were right” suddenly he spotted amongst the wizard crowd his bae’s level 2 death wizard next to a digital 3D render of obito’s dick.
“******** per usual” the chat read. He watched another one pop up.
“Has anyone seen obito’s **** ?” A white haired novice wizard asked in the chat
“****** per usual“ it was quickly silenced by another
“fah. get. tree. per usual” the chat finally finished.
“Heh, that’s our sasuke! Dattebato!” Narueto said while attempting to fuck his bfs wizard character
They were both quickly banned from the server before larynto could even farm the dark moor dungeon for the full set.
Then narhlo’s character was disconnected from the game. He forgot to pay his internet bill because he was a fuck ass orphan and after they died his legal guardian the third hokagay kept all of his parents’ money for himself.
Naruto decided to call that wrinkly asshole up but then remembered that he was dead. ”damn that broke bitch”
He remembered a colorful flyer he saw about loans and called the number “is this definitelynotaloanshark69?”
Kakuzu answered the phone “yeah ho what do you want?”
One bitcoin transaction later and larinto was driving away in a new 2067 Chevrolet
“All this instead of getting a job” Tenten said when oartmto pulled up to their weekly chainsaw tennis club
“I’ll just get student loans and pretend to go to college. surely the cost and interest rate will not be exorbitant” njaruto said
He then got fucked in the ass by his tsundere cuntscissor bitch and quickly forgot about the current state of the economy as god intended. The blond wondered if he could get a summer job as a lifeguard to flaunt his sexy bod.
Shikamaru’s ghost clenched a fist and watched from a distance. College couldn’t come quickly enough. Soon he would have his revenge.