Work Text:
The thing about Taehyung is this: Jeongguk never stood a chance.
He explodes into Jeongguk’s life like a firework, bright, loud, and so, so beautiful. That’s the first thing Jeongguk notices, if he’s honest: expressive eyes, full lips, smile like a rectangle. He’s the prettiest person Jeongguk has ever seen, which is terribly inconvenient given that Jeongguk already has more than enough on his plate as a young trainee. He’s busy trying to prove himself to the rest of the group, and he certainly doesn’t need any distractions.
The other thing about Taehyung, though, is that he’s persistent. He drops himself right into the middle of Jeongguk’s life without even asking first, with his weird jokes and casual touchiness and constant stream of completely random questions, like: Jeongguk-ah, if you were a fruit, what kind would you be? Jeongguk has no idea what to do with him at first, thinks maybe Taehyung is just messing with him, until he realizes that Taehyung always listens carefully when he talks, seemingly delights in hearing why Jeongguk would want to be an apple, or a horse, or the color red. In the end, Taehyung is the one who coaxes Jeongguk out of himself and into the band, makes him feel comfortable enough to find a true home amongst the other members.
Their early days are difficult, draining, and overwhelming, filled with self-doubt and a hunger for something more. Through it all, Taehyung is his North Star, his anchor, his partner in everything from gaming to bothering the hyungs to doing nothing at all. He learns to turn into Taehyung’s touch rather than away from it, to match his humor and read his moods. Almost as if they were always meant to find each other, they become best friends, an easier, more natural friendship that Jeongguk has ever known. And there’s another thing, less obvious at first, something that creeps up on him so slowly that it takes an embarrassingly long time for Jeongguk to realize what it means, and even longer for him to admit it to himself. But in the end, there’s only one word for it, and even Jeongguk knows what it is - accidentally but unquestioningly, he’s fallen very much in love.
***
Jeongguk’s 17th birthday falls just a few months after their debut, on a day when they’re shooting a teaser video. Their schedule has been packed, and he’s not expecting much, is more than satisfied with the hugs he gets from the other members and the well wishes that pour in from their fans. Still, it catches him off guard when he gets in trouble for messing up the choreography, and he burns with shame as he’s scolded in front of the whole group, can barely meet their eyes. He keeps his mouth shut and blinks back his tears, until suddenly they’re surrounding him with a cake and it all comes spilling out. Everything is loud, chaotic, the other members laughing and pounding him on the back, and all Jeongguk can think to do is find Taehyung’s wrist amidst the madness and hold on tight.
That night, when most of the others have already gone to sleep, Taehyung crawls into his bed, slips under the covers and pulls Jeongguk to his chest like he belongs there. Jeongguk wordlessly shifts to make room for him in the single bed, feels his heart skip a beat when Taehyung slings an arm over his waist and presses their foreheads together.
“Happy birthday,” he murmurs, so close that Jeongguk can feel his breath against his face.
“Thanks,” Jeongguk replies, fiddling with the sleeve of Taehyung’s T-shirt.
“You okay?” Taehyung prompts when he doesn’t say anything further.
There’s no use in pretending he doesn’t know exactly what Taehyung is talking about, so he nods, his cheek brushing back and forth over his pillowcase. “Yeah,” he says. “I just -” he cuts himself off, feeling stupid, childish.
“I know,” Taehyung responds anyway, because he always does. “It was a lot, today.”
Jeongguk is mortified to find a sob rising in his throat, tries to suppress it and ends up making a bizarre choking noise instead. “I was so ashamed,” he admits, voice barely above a whisper.
“I know,” Taehyung says again, rubbing soothing circles into his side. “I’m sorry, Jeonggukie.”
Jeongguk shakes his head, wiping away a tear in frustration. “No, I’m overreacting.”
“No you’re not,” Taehyung reassures him. “We shouldn’t have been so harsh, it wasn’t funny. You know how much we love you though, right?”
Jeongguk nods, sniffing, and Taehyung threads his fingers through the hair at the back of his neck, pressing a kiss to Jeongguk’s forehead that sets butterflies exploding through his stomach.
“Especially me.” In the scant light slipping in from the hallway, Jeongguk can see him smiling that boxy smile.
“Thanks, hyung,” Jeongguk says, his heart aching.
Taehyung gives his ear an affectionate tug. “What did you wish for when you blew out your candles?”
Jeongguk had wished for Taehyung to want him back.
“Can’t tell you,” he deflects. “Otherwise it won’t come true.”
***
Three years in, Taehyung still hasn’t run out of questions.
“If you had a few weeks to not be an idol, what would you do?” he asks one night, when it’s just the two of them lounging in the dorm living room. Namjoon and Yoongi are still in the studio, Seokjin and Jimin have gone to bed, and Hoseok is on the phone with his parents in the kitchen. There’s some D-list horror film playing in the background, the flickering light illuminating Taehyung’s features, but neither of them are really paying attention.
“Sleep,” Jeongguk responds, yawning. He stretches his arms behind him, over the back of the couch, and for a split second he thinks Taehyung’s eyes catch on the sliver of skin that’s exposed at his waist.
Wishful thinking, maybe.
“Come on, that’s a shitty answer,” Taehyung pouts, kicking him playfully. He’s laid out horizontally, taking up most of the couch, his feet pressed up against Jeongguk’s thigh.
Jeongguk huffs, dropping his arms and grabbing the offending foot. “Rude,” he says, tickling the sole of Taehyung’s foot in revenge. Taehyung shrieks, squirming away from him, and Jeongguk lets go.
“I think I would travel,” he says thoughtfully. “Like, totally anonymous, on the cheap - backpacking or something.”
“Let’s do it,” Taehyung agrees, cautiously slipping his feet back under Jeongguk’s thigh. He’s wearing an enormous gray sweatshirt with the hood pulled up, bangs sticking out and brushing over his forehead. Sometimes, Jeongguk thinks it’s such a privilege that he gets to see Taehyung like this, the soft, private side of him. “After all of this is over, let’s go. You and me.”
Jeongguk’s breath sticks in his throat. “Okay,” he says hoarsely.
Taehyung beams at him, excited. “Where we gonna go?”
“Egypt. Australia? America. I dunno, anywhere,” Jeongguk shrugs. “I just wanna see more than the inside of a hotel room.”
“Word.”
“You really think we could do it?” Jeongguk asks quietly.
Taehyung shrugs, nodding. “Sure, if we were discreet enough and no one knew where we were going.”
Jeongguk imagines what it would be like to have Taehyung all to himself for that much time, moments like this one after the other, with no interruptions. He wonders if it would change anything, if an experience like that would somehow give him the guts to reach out and ask for what’s right in front of him.
“I wish we could go now,” he murmurs, more to himself than Taehyung.
“We’ll go someday,” Taehyung says, sitting up and extending a pinky. He leans in close, looking Jeongguk right in the eye. “Pinky promise?”
Jeongguk hooks his pinky with Taehyung’s, trying to ignore the way his heart is thundering in his chest. “Promise,” he breathes, and somehow it feels like that one word weighs a thousand pounds.
***
“Jeongguk-ah,” Taehyung whines by way of greeting, barging into Jeongguk’s room without so much as a knock.
Not that it really matters - Jeongguk is lying facedown on his bed, trying to summon the motivation to take a shower. They’d finished choreography rehearsals an hour ago, and he’s still just sitting in his own sweat.
“Mmf,” he responds.
Predictably, Taehyung flops down right on top of him, even though Namjoon’s bed is very much empty and available.
“Oof,” Jeongguk exhales as Taehyung’s warm weight crushes him into the mattress. “Get off.”
“I’m bored,” Taehyung announces, ignoring him. “Play with me.”
Jeongguk turns his head to the side, getting a glimpse of Taehyung out of the corner of his eye. “Play with yourself.”
“Already did that,” Taehyung says cheekily, and Jeongguk’s brain short circuits, his cheeks heating up. He decidedly does not need to be thinking about Taehyung getting himself off, no thank you - he has enough inappropriate fantasies to contend with as it is.
“Oh my god,” Jeongguk groans, attempting to roll Taehyung off of him. The situation is certainly not being helped by having the entire length of Taehyung’s lithe body pressed along his back.
“Oh, come on, we all do it,” Taehyung laughs, giving in and rolling to the side, where he’s still entirely too close for them to be having this conversation. “Have you ever walked in on anyone?”
Jeongguk sighs, resigning himself to his impending doom. “Namjoon hyung, once.”
He shudders, remembering how mortifying it had been for both of them. Namjoon hadn’t been able to look him in the eye for a week. “God, we both screamed so loud.”
Taehyung laughs, gleeful. “Jiminie and I have walked in on each other,” he admits, wiping away an amused tear. “I swear he did it to me as revenge.”
The pervert in Jeongguk is jealous of Jimin, although he’s not confident he would have survived walking in on Taehyung with a hand around himself. He promptly squashes that train of thought.
“You’re blushing,” Taehyung teases, poking his cheek, and sometimes Jeongguk swears Taehyung brings up this kind of shit just to watch him squirm.
“Because it’s awkward!” Jeongguk protests, embarrassed at being called out.
“It’s normal,” Taehyung shrugs, pillowing his head on his elbow. “God knows we’re all horny as hell, and it’s not like we have time to actually get laid.”
This is true, although Jeongguk’s own situation is unique in that the primary reason for his horniness happens to be lying in his bed at the present moment. It’s so much a part of his life now that he barely even registers it as unusual - the constant conflict between wanting more and having to hold himself back.
“I guess,” Jeongguk grumbles.
Taehyung quirks an eyebrow at him. “What, you don’t jerk off?”
“Of course I do,” Jeongguk huffs, flushing harder.
Taehyung smirks, satisfied. “Ever been caught in the act?”
Jeongguk shakes his head. “No.”
“‘Course not, bet you’re sneaky as hell,” Taehyung says. “What’s your spot?”
Jeongguk literally can’t believe they’re having this conversation. “Shower, mostly,” he mumbles, leaving out the part where he comes faster if the scent of Taehyung’s shampoo is still lingering in the air.
“Mm, same,” Taehyung nods, and now Jeongguk is imagining him with water sliding down his body, face slack with pleasure. He swallows, willing himself not to get hard. “Bet we all do, that’s kind of nasty,” Taehyung speculates with a laugh.
Jeongguk groans, burying his face in his pillow.
“Your ears are so pink,” Taehyung says fondly, tracing the shell of Jeongguk’s ear. His touch is so familiar by now, but still, in his weaker moments, Jeongguk can’t help but shiver. “Guk?”
“Fuck off,” Jeongguk grunts, voice muffled in his pillow.
“Okay, come on, new subject,” Taehyung concedes, tugging at Jeongguk’s elbow until he turns to face Taehyung again. He’s watching Jeongguk curiously, enough to make Jeongguk momentarily panic that he’s given himself away, but Taehyung doesn’t push it. “Overwatch?”
Jeongguk considers, tempted. “I was gonna shower.”
Taehyung bites back a smile, raising an eyebrow, and Jeongguk realizes his mistake.
“Not because of that, oh my god,” he groans, pushing his hand into Taehyung’s smug face.
“I didn’t say anything!” Taehyung laughs, catching Jeongguk’s wrist and pulling his hand away.
And here they are again, Taehyung’s face just a little too close, the boundaries between them blurring just a little bit further. Jeongguk wonders if Taehyung can feel his pulse ricocheting beneath the thin skin of his wrist.
“Go shower,” Taehyung says, slowly lowering Jeongguk’s hand. The air between them feels suddenly thick, Taehyung’s gaze unusually intent. “We can play after.”
Jeongguk nods, both sorry to leave him and grateful for the out. They have moments like this every now and then, where he would give anything to know what’s going on in Taehyung’s head. He feels like they’re dancing on the edge of something, but Taehyung is always just out of reach - ethereal, fleeting, impossible to fully pin down. Sometimes, he wonders if he’s going to spend his whole life wishing for something he can never have.
When he steps into the shower, it smells like Taehyung’s shampoo. Jeongguk squeezes his eyes shut and focuses on taking deep breaths.
***
As their fame grows, their schedules get busier and busier, to an extent that Jeongguk hadn’t previously thought was possible. Half the time, he can barely remember his own name, let alone what day it is or what city they’re in. Sleep becomes an even more precious commodity, and he finds himself passing out anywhere that he can get at least halfway horizontal - bonus points if there’s something (or someone) to rest his head on.
The adrenaline of it all keeps him going, a passion for music and performing that has him bursting with energy every time he sets foot on a stage. There’s something about the knowledge that their dreams are literally coming true around them that keeps propelling him forward, arms outstretched to the next big thing. Still, he’s grateful every day that he doesn’t have to do it alone, thinks he probably would have gone completely mad a long time ago if he didn’t have the other members to keep him grounded.
Given how insane their schedules are, it comes as a bit of a surprise to all of them when Taehyung announces that on top of everything, he’s also going to start shooting for a TV show. It makes sense - he’s always had a flair for the dramatic - but still, Jeongguk can’t conceive of taking on something else right now, especially something so significant. It seems to make Taehyung happy, though (he’s practically vibrating with excitement when he tells them), so Jeongguk does his best to tuck away the selfish part of him that doesn’t want to share Taehyung with anyone else.
The main upshot of Taehyung’s burgeoning career as an actor is that they see him less. In the rare moments when the rest of them have free time, Taehyung is filming, and if he’s not filming he’s usually sleeping. More than once, he passes out mid-conversation, head drooping against Jeongguk’s shoulder or thigh, and Jeongguk has to carry him to bed, his own heart impossibly tender.
“I miss Taehyungie,” Jimin pouts one day, the six of them assembled in the kitchen for dinner. It startles Jeongguk, who had just been thinking the same thing but had held himself back from voicing it.
“Me too,” Hoseok agrees sadly, even though they had literally seen Taehyung that morning for some promotional stuff. “The dorm is too quiet without him.”
“He’s doing something really awesome, though,” Namjoon says, ever the voice of reason. “We should be supportive of that.”
“Doesn’t mean I can’t miss him,” Jimin huffs. “What if he forgets about us?”
It’s obviously meant as a joke, but privately Jeongguk has been worrying about that himself, even though he knows it’s ridiculous.
“He would never,” Seokjin says, patting Jimin’s shoulder, and for some reason several pairs of eyes flick to Jeongguk in that moment. He looks down and busies himself with pretending to be deeply interested in his food.
An hour later, when there’s still no sign of Taehyung, Jeongguk caves and texts him.
Me
another late night?
tae
ya maybe, getting a drink with my costars
Jeongguk sighs, shoving his phone under his pillow and trying not to be too put out. He knows how social Taehyung is, and he’s glad he’s become so close with his costars, he really is. Well - he wants to be glad, at least. He just wishes it didn’t come at the cost of his own time with Taehyung, which already feels so scant these days.
He doesn’t end up responding to Taehyung’s text, mostly just because he can’t think of anything to say that doesn’t sound pathetic. Rather than moping alone in his bed, he wanders over to Jimin, Hoseok, and Taehyung’s room, which ironically is where he spends most of his time anyway when Taehyung is around. As predicted, his fellow dance liners provide a good distraction, and the three of them goof off for a few hours before eventually drifting off to sleep. Jeongguk means to get up and go back to his own room, he really does, but Taehyung’s bed is so comfortable, and it smells like him, and every time he tells himself to get up he just ends up dozing off again.
He wakes up to Taehyung coming home, although it takes him a minute to remember where he is and why the bed is dipping under the weight of another person. Blearily, he reaches for his phone, wincing at the bright light from the screen as he checks the time - it’s a little after midnight.
“I was wondering where you were,” Taehyung says quietly, pulling on a pajama top and climbing under the covers when Jeongguk sleepily rolls over to make room for him. “I went to your room first.”
Even in his sleep-hazy state, something warm blooms in Jeongguk’s stomach at this admission, soothing the jealousy that had been brewing there.
“Sorry,” he mumbles as Taehyung curls into his side, head resting on Jeongguk’s bicep. “I was hanging out with Hobi hyung and Jimin, must have passed out.”
“‘M glad you’re here,” Taehyung hums. “I miss you guys.”
“You keep hanging out with your costars,” Jeongguk sulks, because sometimes being sleepy makes him pouty and vulnerable.
He feels Taehyung exhale a laugh against his temple. “Aww, Jeonggukie, are you jealous?” he teases, nudging Jeongguk’s foot with his own.
“No,” Jeongguk lies, and Taehyung laughs again, smacking a wet kiss against his cheek.
“You’ll always be my number one,” Taehyung reassures him, and it’s stupid, but Jeongguk’s heart feels a little lighter.
Jeongguk makes a “hmph” noise, and Taehuyng pokes his side. “Now’s the part where you tell me I’m also your number one,” he presses, his voice nothing more than a lilting whisper in Jeongguk’s ear.
Jeongguk blushes, even though it’s dark and there’s no way Taehyung can see him. “Shut up, you know you’re my best friend.”
(Best friend that he also happens to have some very inconvenient feelings for, but he leaves that part out. Details.)
He can practically hear the smile in Taehyung’s voice. “I know, I just like to hear you say it.”
“Needy,” Jeongguk chides.
“Always,” Taehyung replies through a huge yawn. He must be exhausted.
“Sorry, you should sleep,” Jeongguk says. “I’ll go back to my room.”
Taehyung’s fist closes in the fabric of Jeongguk’s T-shirt, tugging lightly. “Just stay,” he whispers, half a command, half a request.
Jeongguk shudders slightly, and he thinks maybe Taehyung can feel it, what with the way he shifts closer, arm wrapping around Jeongguk’s waist. His T-shirt is riding up slightly, and with how Taehyung’s hand is resting, his pinky just barely brushes over the bare skin of Jeongguk’s hip. Jeongguk feels like he’s on fire.
“‘Kay,” he breathes, fingers resting loosely in Taehyung’s hair.
He really doesn’t know what the hell they're doing anymore.
***
When Taehyung drinks, he gets even touchier than usual, if that’s possible. The problem with this, is that when Jeongguk drinks, he forgets he’s not supposed to like it so much.
They’re on tour, and it’s one of those nights when they’re all still buzzing with energy when they come off stage, eager to do something rather than just collapse into bed. Their next show isn’t for another week, so they split off to their respective rooms to shower before reconvening in the suite that Namjoon and Hoseok are staying in. Several bottles of alcohol materialize, along with a shit ton of room service, and soon they’re all a little bit tipsy, laughing and poking fun at each other good-naturedly.
Taehyung has been hanging off of Jeongguk all night, even before alcohol entered the picture - on stage, he kept jumping on Jeongguk’s back, grabbing his hand, catching his eye. He gets this way sometimes, fixates on someone or something and pursues it relentlessly. Jeongguk has been the subject on more than one occasion, and the experience is simultaneously overwhelming and intoxicating.
Mix that kind of mood with a few drinks and Taehyung may as well be attached to Jeongguk’s body. They’ve been glued together all night, Taehyung’s arms around Jeongguk’s shoulders, legs pressed together where they’re seated side by side on the couch. His hands mess with Jeongguk’s hair, play with his ears, fiddle with the tag on the back of his shirt, and Jeongguk just melts into it, forgets there’s a line that he’s not supposed to cross. But Taehyung makes it so easy, so effortless, and with a few drinks in him Jeongguk can’t help himself.
The others drop off one by one, until it’s just the two of them and Hoseok, who stretches his arms over his head and says:
“Alright, you two, out - I’m not gonna be able to sleep if you’re out here giggling.”
“Hyuuuung,” Jeongguk whines, prompting Taehyung to dissolve into another fit of giggles.
“It’s okay, Jeonggukie, we’ll keep the party going in our room,” Taehyung says, grabbing a half-drunk bottle of tequila in one hand and Jeongguk’s hand in the other.
They bid Hoseok a loopy goodnight and stumble out into the hallway to their own room, which is just a few doors down. They’ve been in so many different hotels lately that the hallways are all starting to look alike - or maybe that’s just the alcohol messing with Jeongguk’s brain.
As Jeongguk fumbles with the room key, Taehyung starts tickling him, so that’s he’s a squirming, breathless mess when they finally burst into their suite. He tosses the key aside haphazardly and starts chasing Taehyung around the room, intent on exacting his revenge. Dramatic as always, Taehyung shrieks, darting between the furniture and begging for mercy. Jeongguk imagines that whoever’s sharing a wall with them probably hates them right about now.
It ends with Taehyung pinned against the wall next to the bathroom, chest heaving as he pleads with Jeongguk to let him go. Jeongguk regards him skeptically, keeping him caged in as he tries to determine his best plan of attack.
“Jeongguk-ah, come on, you love me, remember?” he’s saying, grinning like an insane person. His hands come up to frame Jeongguk’s face, cupping his cheeks, and this proves to be enormously distracting given Jeongguk’s current proximity to Taehyung’s mouth. “Just remember how much you love me.”
And that’s the fucking problem, isn’t it? Jeongguk loves him too goddamn much.
Taehyung senses Jeongguk’s moment of weakness and uses it to escape, ducking out from under his arm and twisting away. Snapping back to reality, Jeongguk turns quickly to follow him, and the words reach his mouth before his brain, usually so cautious, has time to filter them.
Fucking tequila.
“Why do you always do that?” he blurts out, frustrated.
Taehyung stops in his tracks a few feet away, cocking his head curiously. “Do what?”
“One second you’re all over me, and then the next you’re just... not,” Jeongguk says, running a disgruntled hand through his hair. On some level, he recognizes he should probably stop talking immediately, but that’s not the level he’s currently occupying. “It’s confusing.”
Taehyung blinks at him with wide eyes, his lips parted in obvious surprise. “I... sorry,” he says quietly, hands twisting. “I shouldn’t - I’ll stop.”
“I don’t want you to stop,” Jeongguk huffs, irritated that Taehyung seems to be missing the point. “I want you to finish what you start.”
Taehyung’s eyebrows shoot up to his hairline, and he regards Jeongguk with an oddly guarded expression on his face. He looks... scared, almost. “Jeongguk,” he breathes out. “Are you - I mean. Are you serious?”
Jeongguk’s brain is screaming “yes” and “no” at him at the same time, and it’s difficult to figure out which side to listen to. His heart is pounding so hard in his chest that he feels like Taehyung must be able to hear it.
“I - ” he stammers, lost, and Taehyung takes a careful step towards him, advancing like Jeongguk is some sort of wounded animal. Jeongguk’s stomach does a somersault.
“Jeongguk,” Taehyung says again, almost pleading. His eyes are huge, and Jeongguk thinks he sees mirrored there what he himself has been feeling for so long.
“Yes,” Jeongguk manages to reply, even though there wasn’t a question.
Taehyung is within a foot of him now, and he reaches out tentatively, almost like he’s seeing Jeongguk for the very first time. His fingers brush lightly over Jeongguk’s cheek, thumb drifting to his bottom lip, exploratory. Jeongguk inhales sharply, his eyes fluttering shut.
Taehyung clears his throat. “You want - ?” he asks, sounding like he doesn’t quite believe it. The unspoken “me” at the end of his sentence hovers in the air between them, and Jeongguk can’t breathe.
“Yes,” he whispers again, keeping his eyes shut because he’s a fucking coward.
It feels like everything stands still around them. Jeongguk feels the ghost of Taehyung’s breath against his face, his fingers feather light along Jeongguk’s chin. And then, by virtue of some miracle, Taehyung is kissing him - just a tentative press of their lips, soft, warm. Like it’s the most natural thing in the world, and yet simultaneously more thrilling than being on stage in front of thousands of people.
Taehyung pulls back after just a few seconds, and Jeongguk snaps his eyes open, mostly to check whether or not he’s dreaming. To his immense relief, Taehyung is right there in front of him, in the flesh, biting his lip anxiously as he waits for Jeongguk’s reaction. Jeongguk feels like his heart might explode.
“Umm,” Jeongguk says, wetting his lips, tasting Taehyung there. Taehyung tracks the movement with his eyes, and a thrilled shiver runs down Jeongguk’s spine.
“Was that - ” Taehyung begins, then trails off.
Jeongguk’s brain is a scrambled mess right now, too overwhelmed to form words, but he registers that he should probably do something to stop Taehyung from looking so uncertain. Almost of its own accord, his hand jerks out, landing on Taehyung’s waist and tugging lightly, urging him forward. He stumbles slightly, hands landing on Jeongguk’s chest, and then his face is right there, this shy smile playing across his lips.
Fuck, Jeongguk just wants to kiss him into the next fucking century.
“Again?” he breathes, and Taehyung’s smile widens, radiant and sweet and all for Jeongguk.
They kiss for real this time, the shape of Taehyung’s mouth quieting the chaos in Jeongguk’s head. It’s a little weird, after all this time, to be kissing his best friend, but that’s no match for the way it sets his whole body on fire. No desperate fantasy could have prepared him for this, for the feeling of Taehyung’s hair sliding through his fingers, the press of Taehyung’s tongue against his lip. He’s known Taehyung so intimately, and for so long, and yet here’s this whole new layer of him that Jeongguk has never gotten to touch.
He gives a weak whimper of protest when they break apart, fingertips lingering on the delicate line of Taehyung’s jaw, Taehyung’s palms still warm against his chest. Their foreheads stay pressed together, and then they just stand there, noses brushing, breathing the same air. It’s the most perfect moment of Jeongguk’s whole life.
“I’ve wanted to do that for a really, really long time,” Taehyung confesses quietly, peeking up at Jeongguk through his eyelashes.
“Me too,” Jeongguk croaks. His chest is so swollen with emotion he can barely speak.
“Do you think we just ruined everything?”
“I don’t even care,” Jeongguk breathes, and he means it, even though he knows this changes everything. There’s no going back from the line they just crossed.
Taehyung lets out a shaky laugh. “Me neither.” He pulls back slightly, running his hands over Jeongguk’s shoulders and down the sides of his arms. It’s strange, because Taehyung has always been very touchy with him, but suddenly it all feels so much more significant. “I like you a lot, you know?” he says, flushing adorably, and Jeongguk’s heart soars.
“I like you so much, Tae,” Jeongguk replies around the lump in his throat. God bless tequila and Taehyung for giving him the confidence to say what he never could before.
Taehyung doesn’t respond - instead, he just launches himself into Jeongguk’s arms, circling his arms around his neck and hugging him tightly. Taken aback, Jeongguk clutches at his middle, burying his face in Taehyung’s shoulder and breathing him in.
There are a lot of questions hanging in the air around them, about how this is going to work, where they go from here. They have a lot to talk about and sort through, and Jeongguk thinks they both know that. But for tonight, Jeongguk forces himself to set all of that aside and just bask in the glow of this moment, revel in the monumental shift that’s taken place between them. After all this time, he thinks they deserve that.
They get ready for bed side by side in the bathroom, stealing shy glances at each other in the mirror as they go through their nighttime routines. Taehyung keeps poking him, and eventually Jeongguk just catches his hand and doesn’t let go, keeps their fingers tangled together while they awkwardly try to wash their faces and brush their teeth with their free hands. He gets toothpaste all over the place, but it’s worth it for the way Taehyung grins adoringly at him through a mouthful of foam.
Actually getting in bed presents a new and slightly awkward situation. They’ve slept in the same bed more times than Jeongguk can count, but there’s an added weight behind it now, all sorts of implications that quite frankly make Jeongguk’s head spin. Of course, it’s Taehyung who ultimately defuses the situation, flopping down on the bed that has up until this point been Jeongguk’s and reaching his arms out in front of him.
“Come cuddle?” he says, clearly shy but trying to mask it. Seeing him this way gives Jeongguk the confidence he needs to nod and crawl into bed beside him, lying down so they’re face to face.
“This is nice,” he observes quietly, when their fingers slot together again and their calves tangle up beneath the bed sheets. It’s nothing new for them, really, but for the first time he’s not monitoring his every move, fighting to keep his feelings in check.
Taehyung hums in agreement, his gaze fixed on their hands. He looks so, so lovely, soft and sleepy and like everything Jeongguk has ever wanted in life.
“Tae,” he says, and Taehyung’s eyes flick up to him, filled with warmth. Jeongguk clears his throat. “Do you think, we could like. Kiss some more?”
Taehyung laughs, so hard that Jeongguk is almost offended until Taehyung is hooking an arm around his neck and pressing that laughter into his mouth. Then he decides he can let it slide, just this once, if it means he can keep kissing Taehyung this way.
They kiss for a long time after that, gently, experimentally, breaking apart periodically to giggle and whisper about whatever stupid nonsense comes to mind. Jeongguk’s not sure when they even fall asleep, probably far into the wee hours of the morning, but he does so with a full heart and Taehyung tucked into his side.
***
When Jeongguk wakes up the next morning, Taehyung’s face is planted in his armpit, his hair tufting up at all sorts of odd angles and one arm slung across Jeongguk’s chest. It’s far from the first time he’s waking up with Taehyung wrapped around him, but butterflies explode in his stomach all the same as memories of last night come rushing back to him.
His head hurts a little from all the tequila, his mouth dry because he’d forgotten to drink enough water before passing out (he’d been a little distracted, okay?). He lifts a hand to his mouth and touches it curiously, like some cliche character out of chick flick, as if that will somehow help confirm that everything that had happened between him and Taehyung last night is, in fact, real.
This is around when the panic sets in, his mind spinning into overdrive as he wonders anxiously whether Taehyung will consider this all a drunken mistake, if he’ll wake up and want to pretend like nothing had even happened. It had seemed like he meant it last night, but that could have been the tequila talking, for all Jeongguk knows. A part of him doesn’t even want Taehyung to wake up, for fear of what they’ll have to confront when he does.
He’s so caught up in his own little panic spiral that he doesn’t even realize Taehyung is, in fact, awake until he interrupts his train of thought with a bright “Hi!” Jeongguk startles and looks down to find Taehyung propped up on his elbows, smiling at him sleepily, one piece of his bangs sticking out at a complete right angle from his head.
“Hi,” Jeongguk replies nervously, reaching out to pat down the rogue hair.
“Lot on your mind?” Taehyung asks, because he always knows. “I was staring at you for like, a full minute.”
“Sorry,” Jeongguk mumbles. He suddenly doesn’t know what to do with his hands. “Just, umm. Yeah, I guess.”
Taehyung nods knowingly. “Last night?”
Jeongguk swallows. “Yeah.”
“Do you regret it?” Taehyung asks, and he’s trying to keep his tone straightforward, even, but Jeongguk thinks he hears a trace of nerves there.
“No,” he says forcefully, willing himself to maintain eye contact. “Do you?”
Taehyung gives him a small smile, shaking his head. “No.” Jeongguk feels a rush of relief. “So I guess that’s a good place to start.”
Jeongguk nods, then decides to give voice to one of the many questions that’s crashing around in his head. “Where do we go from here?”
“Honestly, I have no idea,” Taehyung admits, and it makes Jeongguk feel a little better to know that Taehyung is just as lost as he is. “It’s not like we can just like, be a normal couple all of a sudden.”
He sighs, and Jeongguk’s heart sinks a little, even though he knows Taehyung is right. Setting aside the complexities of their own personal relationship - they’re best friends who live and work together - there’s the other members to consider, the band, their careers. Even if the nature of their work did allow them to have some semblance of a regular courtship, there’s no way they could date each other publicly. Not that Jeongguk would want to share that part of his life with the world, anyway, but he knows keeping a secret like that wouldn’t be easy.
“All I know is you’re my favorite person in the whole world, and being best friends doesn’t feel like enough anymore,” Taehyung says earnestly, splaying his fingers out in the center of Jeongguk’s chest, so that Jeongguk wonders if he can feel his heart skip a beat.
“I don’t think it was ever enough,” Jeongguk confesses, and Taehyung nods, looking emotional.
“So let’s be more, then,” he says. “Let’s just... be with each other, I guess. However we can be.”
“Okay,” Jeongguk breathes.
“You and me.”
“Okay.”
Taehyung smiles. “Okay.”
“Can I kiss you?” Jeongguk blurts out, and it’s probably embarrassing, but he’s so fucking enamored that he doesn’t think he can go another second without being as close to Taehyung as humanly possible.
“You don’t have to ask,” Taehyung says gently, and Jeongguk’s heart does what he assumes is the equivalent of a triple axel in his chest. Taehyung shuffles forward on his elbows until their lips meet, Jeongguk’s hand coming up to cup the back of his head.
Taehyung’s lips are just as full and soft as he remembers, and Jeongguk doesn’t know how he ever lived without this, or if he’ll ever be able to go more than five minutes without kissing Taehyung again. Logistically, this will probably prove challenging, but he can’t be fucked to care about that right now, not when he’s got Taehyung over him, shifting to lie partially on Jeongguk’s chest. Suddenly, he becomes hyper aware of the situation, the fact that they’re in a bed, alone, kissing, which will presumably lead to more than just kissing, someday, maybe, if Jeongguk is the luckiest human on this earth. It’s right around here that his brain implodes on itself, and he decides to halt that train of thought before things get really out of hand.
His hands seem to have other plans, though, and when Jeongguk checks back into reality they’re daringly located on Taehyung’s slim waist, the heat of his body radiating against Jeongguk’s palms. Even more miraculously, Taehyung seems to like this, if that’s what Jeongguk is meant to take away from the tiny gasp he feels against his mouth, a sensation that zings fiery hot through his entire body. Meanwhile, Taehyung’s tongue is cautiously nudging past his lips and into his mouth, and really, truly, Jeongguk thinks he may have died and gone to heaven.
This, of course, is when his phone alarm starts going off across the room, startling them apart and effectively shattering the moment.
“Fuck,” he half-shouts, and Taehyung giggles, hiding his face in Jeongguk’s shoulder.
“We should get up,” he says reasonably, peeking up at Jeongguk.
“No,” Jeongguk pouts. His hands are still on Taehyung’s waist, and he thinks he’d give up a limb just to keep them there all day.
Taehyung snorts. “Well, the good news is, we’ve at least established that we’re good at the kissing part of this whole thing.”
“I think we should keep practicing,” Jeongguk says cheekily, and Taehyung laughs, swatting his chest lightly. “We both know the importance of regular, rigorous practice - ”
“Alright, down boy,” Taehuyng shushes him, but his cheeks are flushed the most delicious pink, and he looks delighted. Jeongguk could get used to this. “I’m never gonna leave this bed if you keep kissing me like that.”
Jeongguk shudders a little at the implication behind his words. “Is that a problem?”
“It is if we miss our whole schedule for the day,” Taehyung replies, flicking his shoulder. “Come on, before the staff comes hunting for us. Unless you want to explain this to them?”
Jeongguk blanches, sitting up quickly. He hadn’t even thought about the possibility of telling other people.
“Didn’t think so,” Taehyung smirks. His gaze drops to Jeongguk’s mouth, then flicks back up to his eyes. “Now get ready quickly, and maybe we’ll have time to fit in some more practice before breakfast.”
Jeongguk groans.
***
Over the course of the next few weeks, they lay some ground rules, the most important of which is this: no one else can know. Not even the other members.
It takes a great deal of angsting to reach this conclusion, but ultimately it seems like the only way, especially when they’re still figuring this whole thing out for themselves. As difficult as it is to hide something so significant from their hyungs, particularly Jimin, they decide they need this time for just themselves, without any outside pressure or expectations. On top of that, they don’t want to burden the other members with keeping their secret - it doesn’t feel fair. So they keep it to themselves, and slowly, privately, something beautiful starts to bloom between them.
One of the major downsides of not telling anyone is that they have to keep their hands somewhat to themselves when they’re around other people, which proves virtually impossible now that Jeongguk knows what it’s like to really touch Taehyung. Sure, they can still touch playfully, affectionately, like they always have, but that almost makes it worse, getting a taste and not being able to do anything more. Jeongguk feels like his fingers are constantly itching, his body strung out and tense with all the discipline it takes to keep himself in check.
It makes the times when they’re alone even more explosive, and they do a lot of sneaking around, throwing themselves at each other any second there’s a door separating them from the rest of the world. Jeongguk thanks every deity he can think of that he got his own room when they switched dorms, because if he hadn’t he doesn’t think he’d have Taehyung pinned underneath him right now, making these breathy little noises into his mouth that are driving Jeongguk wild.
Taehyung’s shirt is rucked halfway up his torso, and he looks fucking edible like this, miles of smooth, tan skin that Jeongguk is dying to get his mouth on. He never knows where to start these days, so overwhelmed by every piece of Taehyung that he suddenly has access to, a near permanent heat simmering somewhere low in his stomach. He’s never been so horny in his fucking life, and they’ve barely even done anything yet.
In the present moment, Taehyung slips his hands up under Jeongguk’s top, skimming over his sides and back appreciatively. His touch turns the heat in Jeongguk’s stomach into a full fledged flame. “I love your body,” he breathes out, and this is another thing Jeongguk is very much not over, the way Taehyung just comes out and says shit like this sometimes. “You’re so fucking fit, god.”
Jeongguk groans, head spinning with the intoxicating nature of being wanted, and dips his tongue into the hollow of Taehyung’s collarbone, fingers creeping further up under his shirt to brush over a nipple. “It’s mutual,” he murmurs, relishing in the soft whimper he draws from Taehyung, the slight roll of his hips upwards.
And this - well, this is is about as far as they’ve gotten so far. These heated make out sessions, clothes half-removed, hands exploring but still hesitant when it comes to anything south of a waistband. There’s the hint of something more lingering unsaid between them, growing more persistent every time they do this, but so far Jeongguk’s been too nervous to push it, frankly isn’t sure he would survive it if he did.
Except, well, it’s getting increasingly difficult to maintain a respectable distance between their hips, what with the way Taehyung is gripping at Jeongguk’s lower back and urging him closer. Jeongguk tries, he really does, especially because he’s well on his way to being fully hard, but he’s only human, after all, and maybe Taehyung is his personal kryptonite. So when Taehyung’s fingers press into the divots just above his ass, Jeongguk caves, letting his hips drop until they’re flush with Taehyung’s.
“Oh, god,” Taehyung gasps, his eyes squeezing shut, clutching Jeongguk tighter. Jeongguk can’t even form words in response, is too busy having a mental breakdown over the fact that he’s hard and Taehyung is also fucking hard and their hard dicks are now touching each other and honestly, he might just die right here.
“Is this - are you - ” he stammers, transfixed by Taehyung’s eyelashes fanned out over his cheekbones, his lips parted in a quiet whimper. Mostly, by the length of him, straining in his pants, hard because of Jeongguk, for Jeongguk.
“Yes,” he breathes, moving his hips in a small circle so that their erections rub together. It’s dizzying, excruciating, too much and not enough all at the same time. Jeongguk can’t breathe. “Guk, move.”
He hadn’t even realized he was frozen in place, but Taehyung’s imploring tone startles him into action. Jeongguk’s never heard him like this, voice low and a little unhinged, almost pleading. This, and just from the press of Jeongguk’s hips against his - with a shock, Jeongguk considers the possibility that Taehyung is even more affected by this than he is.
“Fuck, right, okay,” he stutters, rolling down against Taehyung and groaning open mouthed against his forehead as heat spikes through him. Friction so good it’s got him seeing stars. “Jesus, fuck.”
Taehyung arches up to meet him, his breathing damp and ragged against Jeongguk’s cheek, right in his ear. It’s remarkably erotic, and Jeongguk surges forward, grinding down until they find a rhythm - clumsy, unrefined, but still mind-blowingly good. Sweat beads along his hairline, his arms straining from holding himself up, but it doesn’t fucking matter, not when he feels that sweet, agonizing tension building all the way from his fingers to his toes.
“Fuck me, this feels so - fucking - good,” Taehyung pants out, his hands sliding to Jeongguk’s ass and squeezing, tugging him down harder. Jeongguk jerks down roughly, partly from the sensation but mostly from the fact that Taehyung had just said “fuck me” in a wrecked, desperate voice, and even though Jeongguk knows he hadn’t meant it literally, his brain is fucking exploding at the mere thought.
“God, yes,” he groans in response, not even sure what he’s saying yes to - anything, everything, when it comes to Taehyung. Their shirts have ridden almost all the way up at this point, Taehyung’s bunched around his armpits, and Jeongguk wants it off, wants everything off, but he doesn’t think he can bear to stop for long enough to actually do it. He settles for thumbing over Taehyung’s nipple again, feels his spine curve upwards as he arches into Jeongguk’s touch.
It’s all consuming, this feeling - this giddy delirium, feeling this good and feeling this good with Taehyung. He thinks, hazily, that he could do this forever, that he never wants to do anything else for the rest of his life except lie in this bed and fool around with Taehyung. It occurs to him that this isn’t just a one time thing, that they’ll get to do this again, and again, and elation bubbles in his stomach, hopeful and completely exhilarating.
“Guk,” Taehyung whimpers, squirming as Jeongguk teases more insistently at his nipple. “I think - oh my god, ‘m gonna - ”
He shudders violently, stilling under Jeongguk’s hips as he comes, hard, in his pants. Jeongguk watches it wash over him, the relief flooding his face as his eyes roll back, and Jesus, fuck, Jeongguk just witnessed Taehyung orgasming and he is a changed man because of it.
“Fuck, Tae - ”
“You too,” Taehyung urges, voice impossibly deep, dark eyes opening and fixing on Jeongguk. “Keep going.”
He reaches between them, palming at Jeongguk’s aching cock through his pants, and Jeongguk makes a choked off noise and comes right then, so hard that he’s pretty sure he enters a separate plane of existence. Taehyung flashes him a satisfied grin, and Jeongguk grunts, rolling sideways and collapsing on to the bed next to him.
“I’m dead,” he says. “I’ve died.”
“Me too,” Taehyung laughs, sighing dreamily. “Fucking hell.”
“Can’t believe we just, like, get to do this now,” Jeongguk marvels, taking Taehyung’s hand and holding it over his chest, mostly just to touch him. “Can’t believe you want to.”
“Want you to do a lot more than this too,” Taehyung murmurs, turning to face Jeongguk with a positively devilish glint in his eye.
“Fuck,” Jeongguk chokes out, looking up at the ceiling as if it will give him the strength to survive this. “Like...”
“Yes.”
Jeongguk drags his gaze away from the ceiling and focuses back on Taehyung. “I didn’t even say anything.”
“Doesn’t matter, I want to.”
“Taehyung,” he whispers, gobsmacked. He thinks he actually might be getting hard again, if that’s even possible. “Jesus.”
Taehyung shrugs, infuriatingly composed. As if he hadn’t just offered Jeongguk everything he’s ever fucking dreamed of. “S’true.”
“I’m never gonna be able to focus on anything ever again,” Jeongguk moans. “I’m gonna die of perpetual horniness.”
“Thought you were already dead?” Taehyung teases, tugging at his ear.
“Fuck off.”
“Fuck me.”
Jeongguk makes a wildly embarrassing gurgling noise, his jaw dropping. “Tae - ”
“I mean, like, not yet,” Taehyung says, casting his eyes down, finally a little bit shy. “But. Yeah.”
Jeongguk’s whole body tingles, what he assumes is a very goofy and turned on grin spreading across his face. “Okay. Yeah, I mean, god, yeah, anything.”
Taehyung smiles, wide and toothy, and in that moment, Jeongguk is so certain that he loves him, is in love with him. He reaches out, tugging gently at Taehyung’s bunched up shirt, and smooths it out over his stomach.
“Looked uncomfortable,” he shrugs, embarrassed, when Taehyung quirks an eyebrow at him.
“Thanks,” he says, looking pleased. “Almost as uncomfortable as the cum drying in my pants, ugh.”
Jeongguk winces, wrinkling his nose. “Ugh, same, gross.” But totally fucking worth it, for the record. “You can shower first.”
“Wow, such a gentleman,” Taehyung swoons teasingly. “Lets me come first and offers first shower.”
Jeongguk snorts, flushing. “I try.”
“You’re doing good,” Taehyung assures him gently, propping himself up on an elbow and leaning in to press a kiss to Jeongguk’s lips. “Really glad this happened.”
Jeongguk smiles against his mouth, feels Taehyung smile back. “Me too.”
***
For a while, everything is perfect. They figure things out slowly, gradually becoming masters of sneaking around and hiding in plain sight. It helps that everyone is already used to them hanging all over each other, so a lot of the affection they show publicly goes unnoticed, or at least gets shrugged off as “just how they are.” At the same time, they get impressively creative with finding ways to be alone together, coordinating bathroom breaks, late-night meet-ups in Jeongguk’s room, even a few top secret outings just the two of them. It gets harder as their star continues to rise, and Jeongguk would be lying if he said all the hiding didn’t wear on him sometimes, but it’s worth it.
Mostly, for moments like right now, Jeongguk facedown on a hotel bed, Taehyung straddling his waist and rubbing his back. He’d shown up back in their room 20 minutes ago, spent from a choreo rehearsal with Hoseok and Jimin but having successfully procured a bag of Taehyung’s favorite chips from the vending machine downstairs. It’s a simple gesture, but a meaningful one, considering they can’t exactly partake in most of the date-type things a regular couple might do. Taehyung had been delighted, munching happily on the chips while Jeongguk stripped off his shirt and collapsed in a heap on the bed.
These are some of Jeongguk’s favorite times, when they luck into sharing a hotel room (they try not to room together every time, lest it become too obvious) and end up with a whole night of total privacy to enjoy each other’s company. There’s usually sex involved, obviously, but the casual intimacy is just as nice, getting to say and do whatever they want without fear of giving themselves away.
“Want one?” Taehyung asks, prodding Jeongguk’s lips with a salty chip while he continues to massage Jeongguk’s shoulder with his free hand. “Poor babe, you’re all tense.”
“Tough practice,” Jeongguk groans, opening his mouth to accept the chip and making a point to lick somewhat obscenely at Taehyung’s fingers in the process. Taehyung flicks the back of his head but goes back to rubbing his shoulders, heel of his palm digging into the aching muscles. “This is helping though, thank you.”
Taehyung hums in approval, leaning forward and dropping a kiss to the top of Jeongguk’s spine. He’s half hard in his sweats, which neither of them have acknowledged yet, although Jeongguk assumes Taehyung knows he can feel it. The fact that Taehyung having a casual boner is just a regular part of his day to day life now sometimes makes Jeongguk stop and marvel at his luck.
“I’ve got magic hands,” Taehyung remarks, pausing to crunch on another chip. The sound is sharp, crinkly against the low hum of the room’s air conditioning. “Lucky you.”
Jeongguk snorts, rolling his eyes even though Taehyung can’t see him. He rests his cheek on folded hands and speaks over his shoulder. “Giving yourself a lot of credit, there.”
“Please, you love my hands,” Taehyung retorts, and well, he’s got Jeongguk there. He has the most amazing fingers, long and dexterous and especially skilled at accessing certain parts of Jeongguk’s body. “You get so hard for my fingers.”
“Says the guy whose boner is currently pressing into my back,” Jeongguk snarks, even though his ears are burning pink.
Taehyung makes an indignant noise, tugging on Jeongguk’s hair in retaliation. “I’m literally straddling your half naked body, you fuck, give me a break.”
“You love my half naked body,” he teases, doing a deliberately shitty impression of Taehyung’s voice. He rolls over on to his back, still underneath Taehyung. “You get so hard for my abs.”
“So fuckin’ hard,” Taehyung laughs, half sarcastic, stuffing another chip in his mouth. He’s wearing a baseball cap, probably because his hair is a mess, and it makes him look especially boyish. This is something Jeongguk has always loved about him, how he manages to perfectly straddle the line between pretty as fuck and subtly masculine. “It’s a wonder I can even keep my clothes on around you.”
“Again, this would be more convincing if I couldn’t literally feel your boner right now,” Jeongguk deadpans, rubbing his palms along Taehyung’s thighs. He’s dressed in gray sweats that are just a touch too big on him - probably Jeongguk’s.
“Can feel your boner too, loser,” Taehyung says haughtily, wiggling his ass in Jeongguk’s lap. “Yup, right there. Hey, buddy.”
Jeongguk snorts, sitting up to steal a chip from the bag and not missing the way Taehyung’s gaze snags on his stomach when it tenses. “So why don’t you do something about it?”
“Was planning on it,” Taehyung drawls, pushing at Jeongguk’s shoulder. “Lemme just finish these real quick though, I’m starving.”
Jeongguk huffs out a laugh, flopping back down on the mattress. “Did you not eat dinner?”
“I was waiting for you,” Taehyung explains, tipping the bag up over his mouth to drain the final crumbs. “Figured you’d be hungry after practice.”
Jeongguk feels a tug of fondness in his chest. It’s reminiscent of the days before they were them, when gestures like this would make his heart ache with longing and distant hope. “Mm, I am,” he says, rubbing one hand over his stomach and squeezing Taehyung’s knee affectionately with the other. “Thanks, babe.”
Taehyung hums, crumpling the plastic bag into a ball and tossing it in the direction of the trash. His shot misses, the bag landing on the patterned carpet a few feet away instead. “Damn,” he shrugs, flopping forward onto Jeongguk. “You smell.”
“Hey,” Jeongguk protests.
Taehyung snickers, pecking his lips consolingly before sitting up again. “Go shower, I’ll call for room service.”
Jeongguk pouts, pulling a puppy dog face. “But - my boner.”
Taehyung snorts, rolling his eyes. “We got all night, babe.”
“Meet me in the shower?” Jeongguk suggests, standing up and making a show of stretching languidly.
Taehyung grins, shaking his head. “Yeah, okay.”
***
As they get more famous, their time becomes more limited, and they become more desperate. Which is to say, more daring.
Taehyung slips into Jeongguk’s room around 9pm, the prospect of the two of them being alone together for more than a few frantic minutes hovering tantalizingly ahead of them. It’s been at least a week, and they’re both exhausted, frustrated, a little on edge. The whole sneaking around thing is getting less thrilling and more plain annoying.
Taehyung sags forward against Jeongguk’s chest, sliding his arms around his waist and resting his forehead on his shoulder, breathing him in. Jeongguk takes the opportunity to do the same, burying his nose in Taehyung’s hair, reveling in the familiar, reassuring scent. It’s blissful just to stand like this, as close as they want, for as long they want, without having to worry about how it will look to anyone else.
“You smell good,” he breathes, and Taehyung pulls back to look at him, smiling.
“You say that a lot,” he teases, even though he’s clearly pleased. His hair is completely free of product, falling loose and soft over his eyes.
Jeongguk squeezes his side lightly. “Yeah, well. I notice it a lot.”
Taehyung grins. “You’re hot. I notice that a lot.”
Jeongguk snorts. He’s not wearing any makeup and probably looks fucking ugly, but Taehyung has always liked him best like this. Go figure.
He’s just leaning in for a kiss when there’s a pounding on his door, followed by Namjoon’s voice.
“Jeongguk-ah, is Tae in there? Why’s the door locked?”
Jeongguk sighs heavily, taking a step back from Taehyung, who’s frowning. He’s tempted to lie, or even not answer, but that would be too obvious and they probably wouldn’t get away with it either.
“Sorry, hyung, what’s up?” he says, opening his door.
Seokjin is there as well, standing at Namjoon’s side and holding an enormous bowl of popcorn. “Movie night!” he announces excitedly.
“Oh,” Jeongguk says, heart sinking. Taehyung is standing right behind him, his chin resting on Jeongguk’s shoulder, and all Jeongguk wants right now is just to be alone with him. “You know, I’m really tired, I was thinking of just turning in early,” he lies, tacking on a fake yawn for added effect.
“No you weren’t, you were gonna play video games with Tae,” Namjoon says, and sometimes Jeongguk wishes they didn’t all know each other so well. Although, to be fair, video games weren’t exactly what he’d had in mind. “Come on, even Yoongi is back from the studio. Mandatory group hangout - as your leader, I command it.”
“And as your hyung, I also command it,” Seokjin adds, looking at them imploringly.
Jeongguk sighs, glancing over his shoulder at Taehyung, who shrugs and nods, even though he doesn’t look particularly happy about it. They know a losing battle when they see one.
“Alright, yeah, we’re coming,” Jeongguk concedes, and Seokjin cheers. Namjoon smiles and nods, and the two of them disappear down the hall in the direction of their living room.
“Sorry,” Jeongguk says quietly, turning back to Taehyung once they’re out of earshot. “I should’ve thought of a better lie.”
Taehyung shakes his head, nudging the underside of Jeongguk’s chin and giving him a weak smile. “Not your fault. Movie night’s a nice idea, anyway.”
Jeongguk nods, feeling a little guilty. It’s not that he doesn’t want to spend time with the other members, he just had really been counting on finally getting some time alone with Taehyung.
“We’re snuggling though, I don’t care what anyone thinks,” Taehyung informs him firmly. “You are my snuggle buddy exclusively tonight.”
Jeongguk laughs fondly, amused to see him looking so fierce about snuggling, of all things. “Deal,” he says, kissing the pout on his lips. “Come on.”
As it turns out, Taehyung’s idea of being exclusive snuggle buddies is sitting in between Jeongguk’s legs with his back against his chest, a thick blanket pulled over them. No one bats an eye, but for Jeongguk this is somewhat distressing considering he hasn’t been able to get his hands on Taehyung in over a week. Not that he’s complaining, per se - he’ll gladly take whatever he can get when it comes to having Taehyung so close - but he’s also horny as fuck and having Taehyung’s ass wedged up against his crotch isn’t really doing much to help that situation.
Presumably, Taehyung knows exactly what he’s doing and exactly what it’s doing to Jeongguk, but he decides to let it lie for the time being, wrapping his arms around Taehyung’s middle and enjoying the feeling of Taehyung’s palms resting on his thighs. They pick a movie, one of the Avengers films, and Jeongguk’s personal obsession with superheroes is enough to keep him sufficiently distracted for a while. It is nice for them all to be together like this, passing around popcorn and bickering over which superhero is best (Iron Man, obviously), just enjoying each other’s company without the pressure of anything work-related weighing on them.
An hour or so into the film, the chatter has died down, most of them either asleep or close to it. In the pale, flickering light from the TV screen, Jeongguk can see Yoongi knocked out on Jimin’s shoulder, and Namjoon next to them with his head drooping against the back of the couch. Seokjin and Hoseok are all the way on the other side of the room, so it’s hard to say for sure, but their silence seems to be a pretty good indicator.
Jeongguk and Taehyung are in their own arm chair, the big one with the ottoman that everyone always fights over. Taehyung has been quiet for a while, but Jeongguk can tell he’s still awake from the hand that’s stretched above his head, playing with Jeongguk’s hair and one of his ears. It’s something he would do in public, but with the lights off Jeongguk can indulge in his own response a bit more, relax into Taehyung’s touch. Absently, he starts toying with the hem of Taehyung’s shirt, fingers tracing over the exposed strip of skin just above the waistband of his sweats. He’s not really intending for it to be suggestive, more just a show of affection, but Taehyung lets out a little sigh and squirms slightly, shifting against Jeongguk’s groin.
Jeongguk knows Taehyung and his body well enough by now to recognize when he’s getting turned on, even if the indicators are as subtle as this. His own skin prickles with interest, but he keeps that to himself for now, continuing to stroke at the tender skin of Taehyung’s stomach, warm and familiar beneath his fingers. Slowly, he drags his thumb along the waistband of Taehyung’s sweats, occasionally dipping beneath the fabric of his boxers in the places where they ride up. Taehyung’s breath hitches almost imperceptibly, and he drops his hand from Jeongguk’s ear, instead resting it on his lower thigh and squeezing gently.
Feeling bold and a little reckless, Jeongguk kisses the skin behind Taehyung’s ear, tongue darting out to trace along the shell. Taehyung’s grip tightens slightly on his leg, but he lets his head fall to the side, dropping back on to Jeongguk’s shoulder. His ass presses back against Jeongguk, wiggling just a little, and Jeongguk knows this is an invitation, Taehyung silently agreeing to however far he’s going to take this, maybe even urging him on. It sends a shiver of anticipation up his spine.
The thing is, Jeongguk knows they’re being really fucking stupid right now. Even with the lights off and the volume of the movie loud enough to mask some noise, it’s completely idiotic for them to even think about doing this with the other members literally in the same room. But it’s also been a week, and Taehyung seems game, and Jeongguk would be lying if he said the risk of getting caught didn’t turn him on just a little bit. He has a sneaking suspicion that Taehyung feels the same way.
Rather than traveling further south, Jeongguk slips his hand higher up under Taehyung’s shirt, grazing over the bumps of his ribcage and brushing a nipple. He’s still not really doing much, mostly just exploring, and he smirks at Taehyung’s displeased little huff, the way he shifts again between Jeongguk’s legs. It’s so easy to get him worked up, his body and mind giving in willingly where Jeongguk has always been more reticent, and sometimes Jeongguk just can’t resist the opportunity to mess with him a little bit. Taehyung likes it anyway, loves being teased, strung out, made to beg.
Keeping one hand firm on Taehyung’s waist, holding him still, Jeongguk works more diligently at his nipple, rolling it between his fingers until he feels Taehyung arch against his chest. His own cock stirs in interest, and he presses his tongue hot and flat behind Taehyung’s ear, letting his hand drift to the other nipple. He finds it already hardened, which isn’t really surprising but makes him smile anyway - his boy, always so responsive.
“Guk,” Taehyung exhales, so quietly that Jeongguk barely even catches it. His head is still resting on Jeongguk’s shoulder, soft hair tickling at his cheek. “C’mon.”
Jeongguk hums in acknowledgment but doesn’t do much to humor him, instead opting to squeeze his waist and continue toying with his nipple. He loves the feeling of Taehyung’s body under his palms - smooth skin, lean muscle, not scrawny but thin enough for Jeongguk to throw around, just a little bit, if they’re in the mood. If he moves his hand high enough, he can feel the thrum of his heart, beating a hint faster than usual under Jeongguk’s attention.
Sometimes Jeongguk feels so connected to him that it doesn’t seem possible.
Taehyung squirms some more, and it’s getting increasingly difficult for Jeongguk to keep his own cool with his dick stiffening against Taehyung’s ass. The blanket shifts over them, tenting a little in the region of Taehyung’s crotch, and Jeongguk realizes with a start that Taehyung is palming at his own cock. He growls lowly, nipping at Taehyung’s neck as he grabs the offending hand and pulls it back to his thigh. A whimper dies in Taehyung’s throat, and he presses back harder against Jeongguk, body tense.
“Don’t be mean,” he whispers, even though they both know full well he fucking loves it when Jeongguk is mean.
Jeongguk relents just a little anyway, hooking their fingers together atop his leg and trailing his other hand down Taehyung’s torso, stopping at the bunched waistband of his sweats. The skin here is always so sensitive, and Taehyung shivers, body twisting as his fingers clench around Jeongguk’s. Jeongguk reaches lower, palming haphazardly over Taehyung’s erection, deliberately sloppy but still enough to make his hips jerk forward. He has to suppress his own moan then, something so sexy about Taehyung hard in his sweats, hard in the middle of their living room with the other members all around them.
“Tease,” Taehyung grumbles when Jeongguk pulls his hand back to dip under the waistband of his boxers, massaging a hipbone. He laughs, but it quickly dissolves into a muted groan when Taehyung rolls his ass back, rubbing deliberately against Jeongguk’s crotch.
“You too,” he hisses.
Before Taehyung can respond, Jeongguk slides his hand all the way into his boxers, wrapping it firmly around his cock. Taehyung makes a choked-off noise, fighting to stay quiet as he grips at Jeongguk’s leg, fingers digging in hard. Jeongguk has always loved it when he gets loud, but something about listening to him struggle to contain his response is almost even hotter.
“Ah,” Taehyung breathes, hips canting forward as Jeongguk thumbs over the head of his cock, pre-cum already gathering at the slit. He uses it to slick up his palm, gliding down Taehyung’s shaft and giving him a few firm pumps. “Fuck.”
Taehyung’s cock is hot and heavy in is hand, and Jeongguk wishes he could see him right now, wishes he had him stretched out in bed, dick flushed and leaking on his stomach. The image makes his own cock twitch, straining more insistently against the fabric of his sweats. Taehyung lets out a soft whimper and reaches behind himself, the heel of his palm pressing against Jeongguk’s clothed erection where it’s caught between their bodies.
Jeongguk exhales sharply, hips bucking into Taehyung’s touch as he continues to stroke him off, twisting his wrist the best he can from this angle. His free hand drifts back up to one of Taehyung’s nipples, the fabric of his shirt catching around his wrist as he pinches the bud playfully. Taehyung’s thin frame trembles in his arms, and he whines, turning his head to mouth hotly over the side of Jeongguk’s neck.
“Shh,” Jeongguk warns, even though he’s the one with his hand down Taehyung’s pants, rolling his balls between his fingers. “Gonna get caught.”
Taehyung whimpers even harder at this, raising a fist and shoving his knuckles into his mouth to stifle the sound. Jeongguk has to bite back his own groan, because he knows Taehyung is getting off on the prospect of being heard, of being caught in such a vulnerable, compromising position. He’s always known Taehyung was a bit of an exhibitionist, doesn’t take a genius to figure that out, but there’s still something so thrilling about tapping into one of his kinks and watching him unravel.
Taehyung’s entire body feels tense against Jeongguk’s chest, muscles pulled taut, hips jerking forward with each flick of his wrist. In the washed-out light from the TV screen, Jeongguk can see his profile, full bottom lip caught between his teeth, eyes squeezed shut with desperation. So fucking beautiful, always. And Jeongguk, always a sucker for him, picks up the pace of his strokes, collecting more pre-come from the tip of Taehyung’s cock to make the glide smoother.
“Nghh,” Taehyung gasps, fingers digging uncomfortably tight into Jeongguk’s knee (not that Jeongguk notices or cares). His spine curves forward, cock pulsing in Jeongguk’s palm, and with a soft sigh he comes hot and wet across Jeongguk’s hand and his own stomach.
They both still, the reality of what they’d just done settling in as other sounds filter back into their senses - the action in the movie, the hum of the air conditioning, Namjoon snoring across the room. Blessedly, it seems like the other members are still asleep, but that doesn’t change that fact that they’re there, feet away while Jeongguk’s sitting here with a raging hard-on and Taehyung’s cock softening in his hand. Not to mention the cum that’s currently drying on Taehyung’s stomach and the blanket that they are now most certainly going to have to wash.
“Bathroom,” Taehyung hisses, gingerly extricating himself from Jeongguk’s lap. He leans down, clapping a hand over Jeongguk’s mouth at the same time he grinds the heel of his palm into Jeongguk’s crotch. Jeongguk jerks - he’s so fucking hard. “Five minutes.”
He doesn’t last five minutes. Barely lasts three, even, but he does wait to make sure that no one stirs or reacts to Taehyung’s exit before getting up and quite literally bolting to the bathroom. Taehyung is opening the door and pulling him inside before he even finishes knocking. He’s shirtless, presumably from washing himself up, tan and glorious and soft-looking in nothing but his sweats. If Jeongguk weren’t sporting an increasingly painful boner he would want to snuggle the fuck out of him right now.
Maybe later.
“That was not five minutes,” Taehyung chides, laughing a little, but he’s already on his knees, pulling Jeongguk’s cock out and sucking him down without preamble.
The back of Jeongguk’s head hits the bathroom door, his body sagging, and he loses himself completely.
When the movie ends, they’re situated back in the same armchair, Taehyung curled against Jeongguk’s side, blanket discreetly disposed of. Hoseok blinks awake as the credits roll, and the others follow suit as he shuts off the TV and turns on the lights. They fumble around half-awake, mumbling goodnights to each other as they head off to their respective rooms. Taehyung catches Jeongguk’s hand and squeezes it before following Namjoon down the hallway.
Jeongguk tries to let that be enough, tries not to let the ache in his chest as he watches Taehyung’s retreating back keep him awake that night.
***
It probably goes without saying, but they come close to getting caught on more than one occasion. There are a few incidents in dressing rooms, where they’ve sprung apart just moments before a member of their staff appears, and one particularly memorable encounter when they’d forgotten to lock the door to Jeongguk’s room and Seokjin had bounded in about thirty seconds after Jeongguk had pulled his mouth off Taehyung’s dick. Once, Namjoon walks into the bathroom while they’re in the shower together, and it’s nothing but dumb luck that he’s too caught up in talking himself through some new lyrics to notice that there are two sets of clothes strewn on the floor.
Sometimes, it’s as simple as them just forgetting themselves for a moment, a gesture that’s a shade too affectionate or familiar to fall into the category of platonic. A hand on the waist, fingers tangling together, a glance that’s a little too knowing or lingers a little too long. Jeongguk will catch himself and then catch the tail end of a curious look from one of the other members, or one of the staffers. Sometimes he wonders if everybody knows and is just too polite to say anything.
It’s the hardest with Jimin. They’re both so close to him, individually and as a trio, and keeping such a big secret from him feels almost like a betrayal. They have their reasons and Jeongguk knows them, but he honestly can’t believe neither of them has just broken down and confessed to him yet. Somehow, he feels like the news wouldn’t come as much of a surprise. He thinks Jimin has suspected something between them since before there even was anything. Probably because Jeongguk was so obviously enamored with Taehyung right from the get-go.
One night, he and Taehyung are in the dorm bathroom together, Taehyung perched on the counter while Jeongguk brushes his teeth. It’s late, after midnight, so they’d chanced it, even though they’re not doing much of anything right now. Just Taehyung swinging his feet back and forth, babbling on about some new anime he’d discovered while Jeongguk listens contentedly.
There’s a light knock on the door and it swings open, revealing a sleepy-looking Jimin, rubbing his eyes in the sudden brightness. The door blocks his view of Taehyung at first, so his gaze settles on Jeongguk as he steps into the bathroom.
“Hey, sorry, do you mind if I pee? Jin hyung’s hogging the other bathroom,” he explains, yawning.
“Uh - ” Jeongguk fumbles. He feels like they’ve been caught even though nothing particularly incriminating is happening. Just the fact that he and Taehyung are hanging out alone in the bathroom at one in the morning. “Yeah, sure.”
Jimin moves further into the bathroom and closes the door behind him, startling when he notices Taehyung as well. He’s leaning back on the counter now, back against the mirror, the picture of casualness. Jeongguk wishes he were that good at playing this sort of thing off - he feels like he always ends up acting awkward and making it worse.
“Hey, Jiminie,” Taehyung greets lazily.
“Oh, hey,” Jimin says, walking over to the toilet. “What are you doing in here? I thought you went to bed.”
Jeongguk’s stomach squirms nervously - Taehyung had pretended to go to bed and then snuck over to Jeongguk’s room instead.
Taehyung, of course, seems unfazed. “Couldn’t sleep,” he shrugs, lying so easily that Jeongguk feels a little guilty. “Decided to keep our little Jeonggukie company instead.”
Jeongguk glowers at him - he hadn’t felt very little when he was fucking Taehyung into his mattress thirty minutes ago - but Taehyung just shoots him a cheeky grin.
“Oh,” Jimin nods, flushing the toilet and lightly hip-checking Jeongguk away from the sink so that he can wash his hands. “Cool.” He turns off the faucet, glancing between the two of them. Jeongguk finds himself suddenly wishing that he had decided to put a shirt on before they left his room. They’re getting sloppy, he thinks. Too comfortable.
“Well,” Jimin says after an awkward pause. There’s something else lingering in the air with them now, a sort of unspoken question that makes the guilt twist deeper in Jeongguk’s stomach. “I’m going back to bed. Night.”
“Night,” they chorus, and Jimin gives them a last look before slipping out into the dark hallway and closing the door behind him.
Jeongguk and Taehyung sit in silence for a few minutes, Jeongguk busying himself with washing up even though he’s really waiting to make sure Jimin doesn’t reappear. And also, maybe, trying to figure out what to say.
“Do you think he knows?” Jeongguk asks eventually, when he can’t hold it in any longer.
“Probably,” Taehyung admits, his head still resting against the glass of the mirror. “Or like, suspects.”
Jeongguk sighs, staring at his own reflection because for some reason he can’t bring himself to look at Taehyung. “I hate hiding it from him. All of them.”
“Me too,” Taehyung says. He lets out a weighted exhale. “We decided to do it this way for a reason, though.”
“I know,” Jeongguk replies, now looking down into the shiny white bowl of the sink. His chest feels heavy, all of a sudden.
He feels the pressure of Taehyung’s foot against the side of his knee, nudging slightly, and finally lifts his head to meet Taehyung’s gaze. His mouth is turned down in a frown, eyes worried.
“You okay?”
Jeongguk shrugs. “Yeah. I just - it’s hard, sometimes.”
He wonders if it’s ever going to get too hard, if one day the pressure of it all will break them. His chest tightens further, and he tries to push the thought to the back of his mind.
Taehyung nods, offering him a strained smile. “I know.”
They sleep together in Jeongguk’s room that night, Taehyung setting his alarm for early enough that he’ll be able to slip back into his own bed before Namjoon wakes up. Jeongguk holds him close, listening to the reassuring rise and fall of his breathing, feeling the familiar skin between his fingertips. He wills himself to focus on all of those things, anything to fend off the ugly, creeping sensation that they’re running on borrowed time.
***
“Has anyone been getting any action?” Hoseok asks the room at large, flopping dejectedly on to their living room couch. “Because I sure as hell haven’t.”
“Who has time for getting laid?” Yoongi replies unsympathetically, forking through some fried rice left over from last night’s dinner. “All we do is work and sleep.”
“If that,” Seokjin chimes in.
“I know, but I have needs,” Hoseok replies, pouting. He’s got one long leg flung up on the back of the couch, the other tossed across Jimin’s lap. “Come on, anyone? Let me live vicariously through you.” He looks around the room expectantly.
“Not since that one girl a few months ago,” Seokjin replies with a wistful sigh. “She was cute.”
“Same here, it’s been a while,” Namjoon says from where he’s sprawled out on the floor next to Jeongguk.
“I got nothing,” Jimin chimes in grumpily, flicking Hoseok’s leg. “Thanks for reminding me.”
“Suga hyung?”
Yoongi blinks at him, unimpressed. “I just told you, all I do is work and sleep.”
Hoseok huffs. “You guys suck.” His gaze drifts hopefully to Taehyung, who’s lounging on the couch next to Seokjin, and Jeongguk, sitting on the floor between his legs. “JK? Tae?”
Jeongguk feels his ears heat up and tries very hard to keep his expression neutral. He thinks it’s probably a good thing that he can’t see Taehyung’s face right now.
“Umm,” Jeongguk says, clearing his throat. “Nope, uh. Nothing.”
Nothing except the marks on Taehyung’s inner thighs that Jeongguk had left two nights ago, or the fact that he still can’t keep his hands off Taehyung any time they’re alone together. Nothing at all.
Hoseok squints at him suspiciously but moves on quickly enough. “Alright, come on, Tae, don’t leave me hanging - such a charmer, you must have something.”
Jeongguk stares determinedly down at his knees, skin prickling. He’s pretty sure Jimin is watching him right now, but he doesn’t trust himself to look up and check.
“Nah,” Taehyung’s deep voice comes from over Jeongguk’s head. “Sorry to disappoint.”
Hoseok eyes him skeptically. “I’m not sure I believe you,” he says. “Big TV star like you? One of the year’s most handsome faces?”
Jeongguk can imagine Taehyung rolling his eyes as he chuckles. “You give me too much credit,” he laughs. “But really, nothing to write home about.”
Jeongguk resists the urge to turn around and glare at him, instead resorting to pinching the back of his calf. Taehyung flinches, kicking the side of his thigh in retaliation.
(“Nothing to write home about?” Jeongguk teases him later, nipping at his neck. He’s got Taehyung flat against the door of his bedroom, one hand pinned over his head. “I’d literally pay you to write home about my dick.”
“That would go over well,” Taehyung snorts, gasping a little when Jeongguk slots a leg between this thighs. “Dear Mom and Dad, you know Jeongguk? He’s got the most glorious cock I’ve ever had the good fortune to touch - ”
Jeongguk cuts him off with a kiss, laughing breathlessly into his mouth.)
“Well, aren’t we a sad group of horny losers,” Hoseok says.
“Speak for yourself,” Seokjin replies, mock indignant.
“Maybe we should just have a group circle jerk,” Hoseok suggests with a laugh. Namjoon snorts, and Jimin wrinkles his nose, giggling. “I’m sick of my own hand.”
“You’re disgusting,” Yoongi retorts, throwing a pillow at him. “Besides, mixing work and sex never ends well. That would be a damn mess.”
Jeongguk shifts uncomfortably between Taehyung’s legs, feeling them tense on either side of him.
“In more ways than one,” Jimin jokes, always ready with a dirty mind, and they all burst out laughing.
“Jesus, imagine if ARMY could hear this conversation,” Namjoon says, shaking his head. “They already think we’re all fucking.”
“Not if management has anything to say about it,” Seokjin remarks, rolling his eyes.
The mood in the room dulls somewhat, and Jeongguk feels a heavy weight settle in his stomach. Seokjin is referring to a gentle lecture they’d gotten from their management team a few days ago, about needing to maintain boundaries when it came to skinship. The fans love how affectionate they are with each other, but it should be even, equally distributed, platonic - not enough to make people talk, make people suspect something. Because they do suspect, and they always have, but the stage is bigger now, there are more people watching and more is at stake. They need to be careful, lest people start to believe the rumors are actually true.
Imagine that.
It was directed at all of them, but they all know who management was really talking to. Whatever the hyungs know, or guess, about what’s really going on, it’s no secret that there’s always been something different about Jeongguk and Taehyung, something deeper, more intimate. The way they touch, speak, move around each other - the fans had picked up on it long before they’d figured it out for themselves. And now, according to management, the fan speculation is getting out of hand.
They just have to be more careful, that’s all. That’s what Jeongguk keeps telling himself, at least.
“Fucking stupid,” Yoongi grumbles. “Who cares if the fans think we’re gay for each other? It’s fucking 2018, I’ll be as gay as I damn well please.”
Jeongguk really fucking loves Yoongi sometimes.
“They’re trying to look out for us,” Namjoon says diplomatically. “There’s a lot on the line. But look, I agree, I hate that it’s even a consideration. That’s the world we live in, I guess.”
“And as artists with a platform, we should do something to change that,” Yoongi argues. He’s always the most outspoken when it comes to this sort of thing. “Not monitor our behavior because of some heteronormative bullshit.”
“I agree,” Namjoon says. “Let’s just do it through the music, yeah? We’re not gonna get anywhere by fighting with management over the principle of the thing.”
The conversation eventually meanders in a different direction, and Jeongguk is grateful for the distraction even though he stays mostly silent. Taehyung is very still behind him, so unlike his usual, fidgety self. Jeongguk can feel the tension rolling off him in waves, and he knows they’re going to have to talk about this later, even though they’ve both been avoiding the subject thus far. It’s different now that management has talked to them about it, now that the other boys are involved. They really do need to be more careful.
“I feel like I’m already so careful around you,” Taehyung says a few days later, when they finally get around to talking about it. He’s sitting on the edge of his bed, head in his hands. Yeontan is curled up between them, a small comfort. “I can’t fake it any better, I’m not - ” he laughs bitterly. “I’m not that good of an actor.”
Jeongguk sits beside him quietly, at a loss for words. He feels sick, empty, the weight in his stomach getting heavier by the minute. He has no idea what to say that can make this better, because he’s not sure anything really can.
“I guess we just - have to,” Jeongguk says hollowly. “For the band.”
Taehyung looks up at him, his eyes red from being pressed up against his palms. “Do you feel like you can do that?”
“No,” Jeongguk admits, running his fingers through Yeontan’s fur. “But what choice do we have?”
***
The reality, though, is that there is a choice to be made, and in the end it’s Taehyung who makes it.
Jeongguk sees it coming, is the thing. He’s seen it coming for months, he thinks, maybe even since the first time they kissed, over two years ago now. Because it’s too good to be true, the idea that he could just have this. Have Taehyung.
It happens on a Thursday. They fight a lot in the weeks leading up to it, mostly about stupid shit, but really it’s because they’re both sad and tired and fucking terrified. The sex gets more desperate, more intense, like they’re both wondering which time is going to be the last.
The last time is on a Tuesday. Jeongguk’s fingers dig into Taehyung’s hips so hard he’s sure the bruises will last a week, and Taehyung’s eyes are wet when he comes. Like he knows. Which, in retrospect, maybe he does.
On Thursday, Taehyung says:
“I don’t think I can do this anymore.”
Jeongguk’s world stops. And maybe his heart, too.
“Do what?” he asks, even though he knows. He can already feel the hole forming in his chest.
They’re sitting side by side on Jeongguk’s bed, backs pressed up against the wall, shoulders brushing. Taehyung is wearing one of Jeongguk’s sweatshirts. Their socked feet extend out on the bed in front of them, bright colors clashing spectacularly.
“This,” Taehyung says, turning to face Jeongguk and gesturing between them. He looks exhausted, the circles under his eyes dark like bruises. His voice cracks. “Us.”
And the thing is, Jeongguk had known it was coming, but that doesn’t making it any fucking easier. He still feels his heart shatter in his chest, feels his whole world fall to pieces around him.
“Tae,” he says hoarsely, like a plea. He doesn’t know what else to say.
“I don’t see any other way,” Taehyung continues, his voice wobbly. There are tears in his eyes, and Jeongguk physically fights the urge to reach out and wipe them away. “We can’t keep going like this, we’re going to tear each other apart. I’d rather - ” he takes a shaky breath, squeezing his eyes shut. “I’d rather keep you as a friend than lose you completely.”
Jeongguk opens and closes his mouth, but no words come out. He’s not even sure he’s breathing. All he knows it that everything hurts.
“Guk,” Taehyung breathes, trembling fingers grazing over Jeongguk’s jaw. Jeongguk closes his eyes against the thought of not getting to have this anymore.
“I can’t - ” he chokes out. “How am I gonna - without - ”
“We did it before,” Taehyung says quietly. His tears are falling freely now, streaming down his cheeks. “We’ll just - we’ll wait it out. Wait until all of this is over, and try again. Without having to hide.”
That could be years from now, Jeongguk thinks. It seems interminable, an endless, black stretch of time. He lets out a sob, his whole body shuddering.
Taehyung crawls into his lap, clutching Jeongguk’s face between his hands. The weight of his body is so comforting, his smell so familiar, and it makes the tears spill hotter, harder. Jeongguk clutches at his back, fingers curling tight into the fabric of his sweatshirt.
“Guk, please,” Taehyung whispers shakily, pressing a wet kiss to Jeongguk’s lips. It tastes salty from their mingled tears, and Jeongguk doesn’t think he’s ever experienced something so fucking sad. “It’s not because I don’t” - he pauses, and Jeongguk squeezes his eyes shut tighter, shaking his head - “please don’t hate me.”
I love you, Jeongguk wants to say. Please don’t do this.
Instead, he buries his face in Taehyung’s shoulder and cries, cries until his eyes are swollen and his chest hurts from shaking so violently. Taehyung just holds him through it, his own tears slipping into Jeongguk’s hair. It feels like they sit that way for hours, Taehyung murmuring apologies and reassurances, the words all blurring together in Jeongguk’s numb brain. The only clear thought in his mind is that he doesn’t want to let go, because he knows what it will mean when he does.
Taehyung crawls off of him eventually, his eyes red, cheeks streaked with drying tears. “I’m gonna go sleep in my bed,” he says weakly. “I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?”
Jeongguk nods numbly. He wants to scream, cry, throw himself at Taehyung and refuse to let him leave. He doesn’t do any of those things. Instead, he shoves his hands under his thighs and just sits there, until the door closes behind Taehyung and his whole world goes dark.
***
The month that follows is a grim one. When Jeongguk looks back on that time, the memories are tinged gray, a dullness pierced only by the sharp ache of a broken heart. They’re busy, because they’re always busy, and that at least forces him to get out of bed every morning and act like some semblance of a functioning human being. He’s not his usual self, though, and he knows the others can tell.
They ask him about it at first, until he responds with “I’m fine” so many times that they give up and just let him brood. He’s sure they’re talking about him behind his back, catches the worried glances when he thinks they’re not looking, but he can’t bring himself to care. It’s exhausting enough to be around other people at all, to speak instead of screaming or sobbing or slamming his fist against the nearest wall. He’s getting through the day and not letting it affect his work, and that’s about all he can muster right now.
Taehyung is better at faking it. Or maybe he isn’t faking it at all, maybe he’s just not as affected as Jeongguk. That’s the thought that haunts him when he’s tossing and turning in bed every night - that Taehyung is fine, is moving on, is better without Jeongguk dragging him down.
Being around him is nearly impossible. It’s like the past two years have been erased, and Jeongguk’s right back where he started, except for now he knows what it’s like to have Taehyung, and to lose him. He doesn’t know how to be around Taehyung now, where to look or what to do with his hands. The words get caught in his throat so often that he eventually settles for just not saying them at all, pushing them back down his throat until they pile up in his stomach.
He just can’t fucking handle it, can’t meet Taehyung’s eyes or see him smile without the cracks in his heart deepening. It hurts too fucking much. So he pulls back, holds himself at a safe distance, and it’s a slight shift but when you’ve known someone so intimately, those are the changes that scream the loudest. He tells himself it’s just temporary, until he can get a fucking grip on his feelings, but it lasts and lasts and he thinks he probably knew that would happen too. And then there’s this space between them, intangible but unavoidably there, like they’re standing on either side of a glass wall. It hurts less but it’s the loneliest Jeongguk has felt since he first joined the band.
“Jeonggukie,” Jimin says to him one night, maybe two months after the breakup. The two of them are alone in Jimin’s room, Taehyung having just wandered in and then left rather abruptly when he realized Jeongguk was there. “What happened with you guys?”
His tone is careful, and he observes Jeongguk with soft eyes. It makes Jeongguk want to cry.
“Nothing,” Jeongguk lies, dropping his gaze and pulling at the hem of his sweatpants. The word rolls off his tongue easily at this point.
He hears Jimin sigh. “Yeah, that’s what Tae keeps saying too,” he says glumly. Jeongguk can’t help it - he looks up at the mention of Taehyung’s name.
“Look,” Jimin continues when Jeongguk stays silent. “We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. Just - know that I’m here, yeah?”
Jeongguk swallows and nods, mortified to find tears stinging at his eyes. He hasn’t talked to anyone about this, so even the prospect of someone acknowledging what he’s been going through is overwhelming. “Thanks,” he mumbles, sniffing.
“Aw, Guk,” Jimin says gently, throwing an arm around his shoulders and pulling him close. With a shudder, Jeongguk turns into his shoulder and buries his face there, tears soaking into the fabric of his sweatshirt. It’s oddly reminiscent of the night Taehyung ended things, and that only makes him cry harder. Still, Jimin’s presence is comforting, and it’s cathartic to let out some of what he’s feeling around another person.
“It’s gonna be okay,” Jimin murmurs eventually. “You guys will be okay.”
For one second, Jeongguk lets himself believe it.
***
Three months pass, then six, then a year. Jeongguk is a sad loser and remembers the exact date that it ended. He exchanges a total of fifteen words with Taehyung on the one-year anniversary and spends the whole day wondering if he even remembers.
In some ways, it seems impossible that it’s been a whole year. In others, it feels like the time had stretched on endlessly.
Slowly, Jeongguk learns how to breathe again, how to sleep and laugh and feel like a human. The glowing ball of happiness that had once found a home in his stomach is gone, and on some level he recognizes he’s been broken in a way that is probably irreparable. That’s what a first heartbreak will do to you. That’s what getting your heart broken by someone as vibrant as Taehyung will do to you. But he’s okay, at least, and that’s something.
He throws himself into work with a passion that borders on obsessive, but in a field like this, no one really bats an eye. And for what it’s worth, it pays off. With Hoseok’s help, he takes his dancing to another level, not just excellent but distinguished, more uniquely his own style. He improves his vocals as well, working to expand his range by covering more challenging and complex songs. And he writes more, both music and lyrics, which is something he’s been meaning to focus on for ages. Most of it, predictably, ends up being about Taehyung, and those songs he keeps to himself. Still, the practice is good for him, and having a personal way to express how he’s feeling is cathartic.
The thing that keeps him going, more than anything else, is the elusive promise of “after,” the prospect that someday he and Taehyung could be together again. It seems impossibly far away, so much so that it’s painful to think about, but it gives him something to hold on to on the nights that feel particularly lonely. Sometimes, he wonders if Taehyung is thinking about it too, in the rare moments when their gazes lock for a heartbeat too long or their hands brush accidentally. It’s nothing compared to what they used to be, but now those fleeting interactions are all Jeongguk has. All he’ll allow himself to have, for fear that anything more will set him falling apart all over again.
In 2020, their new album completely blows up. It’s unlike anything they’ve ever experienced before, and even with their success and fame continuing to grow over the past few years, none of them are expecting the reception it gets. Suddenly it seems like everyone in the world knows who they are, even outside of their already massive fan base. If Jeongguk had thought he knew what fame looked like before, he realizes very quickly that this is on another level entirely.
The year that follows is a whirlwind. They travel all over the world, making appearances on awards shows, starring in ad campaigns, meeting and collaborating with artists Jeongguk has spent half his life fanboying over. It’s like what had happened to them after they won their first BBMA, but times a hundred. Times a thousand, even. They go on a goddamn stadium tour and sell out every stop.
And then, just when Jeongguk thinks it literally can’t get any crazier, they get the call that they’re nominated for a Grammy. Song of the year, for a track that Namjoon and Yoongi had co-written. They’re all together in a hotel suite when it happens. Namjoon, of course, is the one who actually takes the call, and his eyes go wide, a shaking hand coming up to cover his mouth. For a second, Jeongguk thinks something terrible has happened, but then he’s nodding and saying thank you over and over again until he hangs up the phone.
“A Grammy,” he says hoarsely, looking around at them with shining eyes. “We got nominated for a fucking Grammy.”
There’s a beat of stunned silence, and then the room erupts. Hoseok whoops, leaping to his feet and pulling an already crying Jimin into a hug that Seokjin promptly joins. Yoongi rests his chin on his fists, shaking his head and blinking rapidly while he stares at Namjoon. He looks shellshocked. It’s an incredible moment for all of them, but Jeongguk knows it carries special weight for the two of them. A song that they wrote, nominated for what is arguably the most prestigious award in music. Just two kids from Korea, together from the beginning, who managed to capture the attention of the entire world.
Jeongguk stays seated, mouth hanging open as he takes in the scene around him with wide eyes. It seems surreal, impossible, something he wouldn’t even have thought to dream of when they first started out. Glancing to his left, he finds Taehyung already looking at him, and even after so long Jeongguk’s heart gives a feeble skip. The expression on his face mirrors what Jeongguk himself is feeling, and Jeongguk wants nothing more than to reach out and take his hand, bridge the invisible gap between them. Instead, Taehyung flashes him a small smile, and they both jump up to join the fray.
It culminates with the seven of them huddled in a surging group hug, laughing and crying and shouting in disbelief. Jeongguk finds himself wedged between Seokjin and Taehyung, and he tries to focus on the euphoria of the boys around him over the feeling of Taehyung’s body pressed against his. The warm weight of his arm across Jeongguk’s shoulders, what Jeongguk would give to drop his own arm and slip it around Taehyung’s waist. The familiar smell of him that Jeongguk has always associated with feeling at home.
And even though he’s ecstatic, exhilarated, in awe, there’s the nagging thought, far in the back of his brain, that this nomination means more, bigger, longer. Longer and longer until he can be with Taehyung again.
***
The hiatus is Namjoon’s idea.
In retrospect, it makes sense. He’s always been their leader, and a good leader recognizes when his men need to be pushed and, perhaps more importantly, when they can’t be pushed any farther.
By 2022, they’re reaching their limit.
It’s been nine years since their debut, and Jeongguk still can’t believe the things they’ve achieved, the journey they’ve been on together. There have been intense highs and equally intense lows, but the bond the seven of them have formed is something Jeongguk knows they’ll carry with them for the rest of their lives. He feels eternally grateful for the experience he’s gotten to have as a part of this group.
He’s also fucking exhausted.
All of them are - physically, emotionally, creatively. They’ve been working non stop for over a decade, and even though they still have a deep love for music and performing, they’re burned out. The burden of fame is draining, especially for Yoongi and Jimin. He knows Namjoon has been struggling with writing, and that Seokjin, now 30 (they’ve taken to referring to him as grandpa), is aching for companionship, maybe even a family. Even Hoseok, their resident ray of sunshine, isn’t his usual and vibrant self. And Taehyung, well - he doesn’t confide as much in Jeongguk anymore, but that doesn’t mean Jeongguk can’t tell that he’s struggling as well.
So when Namjoon brings it up, it feels like they all breathe a collective sigh of relief.
“I only have one stipulation,” Namjoon says, looking around at all of them, scattered once again in the seating area of a hotel suite. His hair is bleached blonde again, and partially shaved. Jeongguk thinks their hair probably needs this break more than they do. “Whatever we decide, we decide unanimously. Nothing is more important than the seven of us, than this family. Protecting that is my number one priority.”
From his spot on the couch across the room, Jeongguk watches him admiringly. It’s been over ten years since he was recruited, and not once has he regretted choosing Namjoon.
The seven of them talk late into the night, Jeongguk slumping deeper against Yoongi’s side as they weigh their options and the pros and cons of each. Eventually, it becomes clear that the only thing really holding them back is their fear of losing each other, of leading separate lives after operating as a unit for so long.
“This is permanent,” Yoongi says firmly. “Band or no, we’re permanent.”
Jeongguk can’t help it - his gaze flicks to Taehyung, swallowed up in an oversized hoodie in an armchair next to Namjoon. He’s not looking back, so Jeongguk allows himself a moment to stare, drink in the slope of his nose, the furrow in his brow that means he’s deep in thought. His heart stutters in his chest when he thinks about what a break could mean for them. It’s a possibility that he’s kept locked away in the back of his mind for years now, scarcely allowing himself to hope. But now -
By the end of the night, they vote unanimously in favor of going on a hiatus. Seven trembling hands rise into the air when Namjoon says quietly, “All in favor taking a break?”, and Jeongguk knows he’s not the only one with tears in his eyes. He also knows he’s not the only one who feels relieved.
Telling the fans is the hardest part. After weeks of planning and negotiations with Bighit, they hold a press conference, and the days leading up to it are spent agonizing over what to say. ARMY has been with them from the beginning, supporting them even before they made it big, and none of them can fully shake their guilt at saying goodbye, even if it’s only temporary. But they also want to be their best selves for their fans, and it’s pretty clear they aren’t able to do that anymore.
The press conference itself is somewhat surreal. Jeongguk sits in between Jimin and Seokjin, listening to Namjoon’s voice break as he delivers the words they’ve heard him rehearse countless times over the past week.
“After 10 years together, after world tours, after a Grammy - we need to take a break,” he says. “We need to rest, we need to refuel. We need some time to change and grow on our own.”
Under the table, Jimin nudges his foot, a small gesture of reassurance. Jeongguk glances over to give him a fond smile and sees Taehyung on Jimin’s other side, staring out into the sea of journalists and photographers with a serious expression on his face. He’s still so beautiful, so impossibly stunning, and sometimes Jeongguk thinks he made the whole thing up, can’t imagine why a creature like that would have spared a second glance at someone like him.
“ARMY,” Namjoon is saying, and Jeongguk can see there are tears in his eyes when he finally drags his gaze away from Taehyung. “We can never thank you enough for what you’ve done for us. We are eternally grateful that we’ve gotten to go on this remarkable journey with you, and I promise you, this isn’t the end for us. You haven’t seen the last of BTS.”
He sits back in his chair, wiping at his eyes, and the room erupts with journalists trying to get a question in.
***
The arrangement with Bighit is that they’ll finish out their engagements for the year, then officially begin the hiatus when they go home for the winter holidays. In the final months, they spend a lot of their free time planning for what their next steps are, Jeongguk included. He thinks he wants to consider pursuing music, maybe release a solo album (although the prospect is daunting), but first he wants to take some time off and just travel, see the world like a regular human being and not an international pop star.
He also wants Taehyung to come with him.
He remembers a conversation they had years ago, back when they were still teenagers with so much change ahead of them.
“After all of this is over, let’s go. You and me.”
In retrospect, Jeongguk realizes he’s been planning for an after with Taehyung since before they even had a beginning. They had pinky promised on it then, committed to a someday they could barely even imagine at the time. Jeongguk wonders if Taehyung still remembers.
He’s too much of a pussy to actually bring it up to Taehyung, so instead he starts planning slowly, researching countries and plotting out a tentative route. Somehow, he’s convinced himself that if he can come up with the perfect trip, Taehyung will have no choice but to come with him, and then they can start again, start their after. And seriously, one day he’ll work up the courage to actually tell Taehyung about this plan. One day. Soon. Any minute now.
But before he gets around to it, Namjoon ends up forcing his hand. They’re all back in the dorm for dinner, scattered around the kitchen table as they dig into the small village of takeout containers that they’d ordered. With the hiatus looming on the horizon, they’ve been making a point to do this more often, just sit down and really spend time together.
“So,” Namjoon says around a mouthful of pork fried rice. “What’s everyone thinking for the break? Any big plans?”
“Family,” Yoongi replies. “Sleep. Then I’m locking myself in a cabin somewhere to write.”
“You would use your hiatus from music to write more music,” Taehyung teases. He’s just out of the shower, loose shirt falling open over his chest in a way that’s far more distracting than it should be.
Yoongi shrugs. “Got the bug. Haven’t shaken it yet.”
“I feel you on that, brother,” Namjoon nods. “What about you, Tae? No music?”
Jeongguk’s pulse quickens, and he hurriedly stuffs more noodles into his mouth. He still hasn’t worked up the nerve to talk to Taehyung about traveling together.
“Umm,” Taehyung flushes, eyes dropping to his food. He pushes a piece of meat around on the plate with his chopsticks. “Actually, I’ve been meaning to tell you guys.” He clears his throat and looks up again, eyes flicking around the table. Jeongguk’s heart is pounding in his ears. “I got offered a role on a Korean American TV show.”
Jeongguk chokes on his noodles.
Hoseok flashes him a concerned look, thumping him on the back, and Jeongguk’s face heats up. He thinks he can feel Taehyung’s eyes on him, but he’s too busy trying to breathe and not have a panic attack to check for sure.
“What?!” Jimin cries. “Tae, that’s amazing!”
“Thanks,” Jeongguk hears Taehyung say quietly. He sounds shy. “I’m excited.”
“Our little Taehyungie, an American TV star!” Hoseok claps excitedly. Jeongguk wants to punch him. “So wait, are you moving?”
Jeongguk looks up just in time to see Taehyung nod and immediately wishes he hadn’t. “Yeah, it’s gonna film in LA.”
LA. Fucking LA. On the other side of the goddamn world.
“When do you start?” Seokjin asks.
“February,” Taehyung says. “So I’ll be home with my family for a month or so, and then I’m going.”
Jeongguk feels nauseous.
The others continue to bombard him with questions, and Jeongguk just sits there silently, head spinning as he hears all the details of Taehyung’s shiny new life as an actor. All this time that he’s been fantasizing about the two of them traveling together, and Taehyung has been planning for a life that doesn’t involve Jeongguk at all. He feels like a fucking fool.
“What about you, Guk?” Hoseok asks once they’ve exhausted the topic of how many beautiful people live in LA. Fucking great. “Been awfully quiet over there.”
Jeongguk forces a smile, looking anywhere but at Taehyung. He catches Jimin’s eye and sees his lips tug down in a frown. “Uh. I think, umm. I want to travel.”
He’d been getting really excited about his trip, but now the idea seems pathetic, lonely. Daunting without Taehyung as his companion.
“Sick,” Namjoon says. “By yourself?”
“I - ” Jeongguk stammers, panicking. Some traitorous, self-loathing instinct prompts him to glance over at Taehyung then, and he finds him looking back, eyes wide and a little sad. Jeongguk winces, wanting nothing more than to crawl into a hole and never come out.
“I’ll come with you, Jeonggukie,” Jimin pipes up, clearly sensing his discomfort. He offers a small smile, and Jeongguk almost breaks down in tears, so grateful for this gesture of kindness. “I mean, if you want company.”
“Of course,” Jeongguk says hoarsely. “I’ve already got some ideas mapped out.”
Jimin beams at him, clapping his hands together excitedly, and Hoseok immediately starts sulking that he wasn’t invited. The conversation devolves predictably from there, with everyone jumping in and pitching ideas for where Jeongguk and Jimin should go on their journey around the globe.
Later that night, Jeongguk is alone in his bedroom when there’s a soft knock on his door. “Yeah,” he calls, and nearly falls off his bed when Taehyung appears, stepping inside and closing the door behind him. He looks a little awkward standing there, just a few steps into the room, and Jeongguk doesn’t blame him - it’s easily been years since the two of them were alone in one of their bedrooms together. Jeongguk is reminded forcefully of how familiar this scene used to be, one of them sneaking over to the other’s room late at night, slipping in silently to squeeze in a few hours together. It hadn’t been enough, and Jeongguk understands that now, why Taehyung couldn’t handle it anymore. The difference was that for Jeongguk, it was better than nothing. Anything was better than nothing, than what they are now.
“Hey,” he says, stomach twisting into that awful mix of nerves and longing that always seems to accompany Taehyung’s presence now.
“Hi,” Taehyung replies, still not moving any further into the room. Jeongguk hates how out of place he looks here now. His mind drifts to Taehyung at 21, barging into Jeongguk’s room unannounced and starfishing on his bed or floor, taking up far more space than was necessary.
“What’s up?” Jeongguk asks, mostly to distract himself from the ache in his chest.
“I just wanted to say - ” he pauses, rubbing the back of his neck. “I wanted to say I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you about the whole moving thing sooner. I know I kind of sprung it on you guys.”
Jeongguk blinks at him, completely at a loss for how to respond. He wonders if Taehyung has apologized to the others as well, or if his own reaction had just been that obvious at dinner. Regardless, it comes a surprise - the two of them don’t really address much directly anymore.
“It’s okay,” Jeongguk says automatically. It’s easier than trying to explain the million ways in which it’s very much not okay. “I’m happy for you.”
It’s a lie, and from the way Taehyung looks at him, Jeongguk is pretty sure he knows it.
“Thanks,” he replies anyway, and Jeongguk wonders if this is all they can do anymore, speak to each other in half-truths to avoid the pain underneath. “I didn’t know you still wanted to travel.”
Jeongguk’s heart stutters on the word “still,” the implication that Taehyung remembers too, that once upon a time they’d talked about doing it together. He doesn’t know if that makes this whole situation better or worse, that Taehyung remembered but made other plans anyway.
It might be worse.
“Yeah,” Jeongguk nods, clearing his throat. He wishes he could think more clearly through the mess in his head, the hurt and the longing and the resentment. It used to be so simple with them, but now it feels like the most complicated thing in the world. “Always have.”
There’s a hint of accusation in his words, and Jeongguk thinks Taehyung can probably hear that too. That’s probably why he’s here in the first place, looking sad and uncomfortable in the flowy, oversized pajamas that have become his trademark.
“Right,” Taehyung says. There’s another pause, and the silence weighs so heavy that Jeongguk feels like he’s suffocating. He has so much that he wants to say, but can’t find the words to voice any of it. It’s been this way since the day Taehyung ended things, he realizes. “Maybe you and Jimin can make a stop in LA?”
It comes out softly, hesitantly, and Jeongguk feels his eyebrows lift in surprise. The self-preserving part of him wants to say no, can already imagine how that visit will carefully dissemble any progress he makes while he’s apart from Taehyung for the first time in ten years. Another part of him knows he’s going to end up going anyway. So he just shrugs and says: “Sure.”
“Cool,” Taehyung nods, offering a small smile as steps backwards to the door. “Well - night, Guk.”
“Night,” Jeongguk says, grabbing his phone so that he can stare at that instead of at Taehyung leaving. When the door clicks shut, he flops down on his bed, pulling his pillow over his face and half-wishing it would suffocate him.
There’s something final-feeling about the conversation they’d just had, an acknowledgement that in a few months, they’re going to be living completely separate lives, and neither of them is going to take steps to prevent that from happening. The “after” that Jeongguk has clung to for so long is gone, and in retrospect he realizes that maybe it has been for a while now. Things aren’t going to go back to the way they were between them, and they never will. It had been naive of him to believe that could happen when so much else has changed.
In his head, he knows that this means he needs to move on, even though it’s painful, even though the realization that he’ll never have Taehyung again feels so stifling it nearly kills him. He’s just not sure that his heart is ever going to be able to catch up.
***
Their last few months as a band are bittersweet. Everything they do feels more significant, from their final performances to the downtime they spend together. Jeongguk finds himself simultaneously wishing for the time to slow down and speed up. He’s desperate for a break, but the impending change and separation also scares the shit out of him.
He spends a lot of time with Jimin, the two of them distracting themselves by mapping out the specifics of their trip. They plan to leave soon after the new year, making their way through Southeast Asia, India, and Australia before heading over to South America. Their last stop will be in LA to see Taehyung before they fly back to Korea and face the reality of life post-Bangtan. Jeongguk tries not to think about how empty he’s going to feel when that day comes.
Their last show is in early December, and there are massive quantities of tears involved both onstage and when they get back to the dorm. Sitting in their living room, they all get piss drunk and cry as they reflect back on some of their favorite memories together, the night ending when Namjoon stands up to make a speech about them always being a family and promptly knocks over a lamp.
They start moving out of the dorm one by one after that, actual dates of departure determined by their respective families’ holiday plans. Seokjin is the first to go, followed by Hoseok and Jimin, and then Taehyung. His eyes are rimmed red as he says goodbye to Jeongguk, Namjoon, and Yoongi, the four of them huddled in the foyer around their front door.
“See you in LA,” he mumbles into Jeongguk’s shoulder, his hand coming up to cup the back of Jeongguk’s neck. Jeongguk squeezes his eyes shut, letting himself ache for one more minute, clutching Taehyung tightly. They haven’t held each other like this in ages, and Jeongguk just wants to breathe him in, imprint the smell in his memory until he remembers he’s supposed to be forgetting it instead.
“See you,” he croaks out, and then Taehyung is gone and Jeongguk thinks he feels his heart break in an entirely new set of ways. Yoongi claps him on the back, and it’s all Jeongguk can do to mumble an excuse before he locks himself in his room and lets himself fall apart.
The whole moving on thing is off to a great start.
Jeongguk leaves two days later, and after all the buildup and anticipation, it’s almost a relief. His room looks depressingly bare with all of his personal belongings packed up, and the dorm feels quiet and empty now that half the members are gone. It feels fitting that Namjoon and Yoongi are the last two left, having lived together longer than the rest of them to begin with. He hugs them both tightly and promises to be better about responding in the group chat now that they won’t be seeing each other every day.
The holidays pass more peacefully than they have in a decade. Jeongguk has so much free time that he doesn’t know what to do with himself, and at first it feels almost oppressive. It’s been a long time since he’s been without a schedule and constant company, and he at once feels completely lost and completely liberated.
Slowly, he allows himself to sink into it. He sleeps more than he has since he was 14, binge watches anime, and plays video games to his heart’s content. When he’s not being a lazy fuck, he does his best to make up for all the time he’s lost with his family, going for walks with his mom, helping his dad around the house, and having conversations with his brother that last longer than a fleeting call to check in. It’s comforting, serene, a little slice of the normalcy he had left behind when he left home for Seoul all those years ago.
It still hasn’t fully hit him that there’s no BTS to go back to come the new year, but the constant texts from the other members help to ease the transition. Their group chat is rarely quiet, someone always piping up with a story from home or just to say hello. One morning, Jeongguk wakes up to 37 drunk texts from Seokjin, the spelling in them gradually deteriorating as he declares how much he misses everyone. He promptly screenshots them all and files them away for blackmail before typing back that he misses everyone too, feeling a little reassured that he’s not the only one.
Jimin, shameless selfie king that he is, initiates a game called “role call,” in which a member will declare “role call” and everyone is then required to send a selfie, no matter what they’re doing. The end result is predictably absurd - he gets photos of Seokjin on the toilet, Hoseok picking his nose, Yoongi flipping them off as he lies in bed with his eyes closed. The first time Taehyung sends one, Jeongguk is brushing his teeth, and he nearly chokes on his toothbrush when he glances down at his phone and finds Taehyung staring up at him. He’s doing his trademark v sign around his eye, smile boxy and exaggerated. Jeongguk stares at it for longer than he should before sending back his own mirror selfie, toothbrush still stuffed in his mouth.
He calls Taehyung on his birthday, although it takes a few glasses of wine with dinner for him to work up the nerve. His breath catches in his throat when Taehyung answers, his voice deep and silky in a way that’s always made Jeongguk melt. It’s only been a few weeks, but hearing his voice makes something sharp and fierce spike in Jeongguk’s chest, that familiar longing twisting between his ribs and taking hold.
“Thought you forgot,” Taehyung teases, and Jeongguk glances at the clock next to his bed - it’s nearly 11.
“I would never,” he retorts, and it’s said cheekily but it’s so, so true. As if he could ever forget anything about Kim Taehyung. “Having a good day?”
“Mm, pretty mellow,” Taehyung hums, the rumble of his voice soothing in Jeongguk’s ear. He squeezes his eyes shut, clutching his phone more tightly. “Just spent it with my family.”
Jeongguk nods before he realizes Taehyung can’t see him. “That’s nice.”
Taehyung hums again. “What are you doing?”
“Just lying in bed,” Jeongguk says, staring up at his ceiling. The paint is a faded blue, familiar in a way that only the small details of your childhood can be. He realizes that Taehyung has never lain in this bed with him, and probably never will.
“Me too,” Taehyung says. There’s a rustling in the background, and Jeongguk imagines him burrowing further under his covers, a small mountain range of pillows surrounding him. He’s never seen Taehyung’s bed at home either, but he knows how he sleeps. “Got about a decade of sleep to catch up on.”
Jeongguk laughs. “Tell me about it.”
“Conservatively, how many hours of Overwatch have you played since you got home?” Taehyung asks, voice inflected with a yawn.
“About as many as you’ve spent watching anime,” Jeongguk fires back, and it earns him a laugh.
“Fair, fair,” Taehyung concedes.
The conversation meanders on for a little while after that, until Taehyung is yawning more than speaking and decides to call it a night. “Thanks for calling, Guk,” he murmurs.
“Sure,” Jeongguk replies, wanting nothing more than to stay on the phone until they both fall asleep. Instead, he just says “night” and waits for Taehyung to echo it back before he hangs up. Then he pulls up Overwatch and tries not to think about how much he’s missed the sound of Taehyung’s voice.
Moving on is fucking hard.
***
The first week of the new year is spent packing and making final preparations for his trip, and it serves as a nice distraction. Spending time at home and with his family has been wonderful, but it’s also afforded him with a lot of time to think about all the things he’s not supposed to be thinking about.
Like Taehyung, and his voice, and all the beautiful people he’s going to be meeting in LA.
When he sees Jimin at the airport, Jeongguk lets out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. He’s missed them all desperately over the past month, and the familiar warmth of Jimin’s smile, the weight of his arm around Jeongguk’s shoulders, makes Jeongguk feel instantly at ease. His life as he knows it may be over, and Taehyung may be moving across the world, but at least he hasn’t lost Jimin.
They fall back into familiar patterns easily - Jimin, ever a lightweight, gets drunk off the airplane wine before they even take off, clinging to Jeongguk as he dissolves into a fit of giggles and ultimately passes out against his shoulder. Jeongguk, like the good friend he is, takes a lot of pictures of Jimin sleeping with his mouth open and uses the shitty airplane WiFi to send them to the group chat. He’s sure to have his video camera ready to capture Jimin’s indignant expression as soon as he wakes up and realizes.
The next installment of Golden Closet Films is going to be a good one.
Their trip is, in short, exactly what Jeongguk needs. They laugh a lot and eat a lot and see a lot, wander through street markets and try foods they’ve never heard of and occasionally get drunk off the local liquor. They go for boat rides and hikes, explore beaches and swim under waterfalls, marvel at plants that look like they came out of a sci-fi movie. Jeongguk films all of it and revels in being behind the camera, something he’d been able to dedicate less and less time to over the years.
Jimin proves to be the perfect travel companion. This isn’t really surprising, given that they’ve traveled together extensively in the past, but there’s something different about doing it without anything work-related hanging over their heads. In the past, there was always a schedule to get back to, but now their time is completely their own. They extend their time in New Zealand by two days because they love it so much, and no one is affected but them.
On top of that, Jimin has always been a good mix of cheerful and compassionate, able to either brighten Jeongguk’s day or offer him a (sometimes literal) shoulder to cry on. They goof off constantly, often working themselves into absolutely hysterical fits of laughter, but they can also feel their feelings together when the situation calls for it. They’ve seen each other through their fair share of highs and lows by now, and aside from Taehyung, Jeongguk has never felt closer to anyone. Even though he had originally envisioned this trip going differently, he knows he’ll always be grateful that he was able to have this experience with Jimin by his side.
Taehyung FaceTimes them after his first day on set. It’s late afternoon in New Zealand, and Jeongguk and Jimin are sprawled out on an isolated beach somewhere, sipping beers and admiring the view. A few ambitious surfers dot the swelling waves, colorful swim trunks weaving in and out of sight. Jeongguk thinks he might like to learn to surf, now that he has the time. Maybe they’ll sign up for surf lessons tomorrow - he could probably convince Jimin to try it.
“Maybe Taehyungie will learn to surf now that he’s a Cali dude,” Jimin says, and as if on cue his phone lights up with his contact photo of Taehyung, a spectacularly unflattering selfie. It’s taken from below, so that the most prominent feature of the picture is his flared nostrils, and on top of that his eyes are crossed and he’s making a weird grimace with his mouth.
In short, classic Taehyung.
“Speak of the devil,” Jimin says, swiping his finger across the screen to accept the FaceTime request. Actual, moving, speaking Taehyung appears, and Jeongguk’s chest contracts. “We were just talking shit about you.”
“I would expect nothing less,” Taehyung retorts, pursing his lips at the camera. “Miss me that much?”
It would be funnier if Jeongguk hadn’t actually spent the majority of the trip missing him.
“Kind of forgot what you look like, actually,” Jimin teases. Jeongguk shifts closer to him, pressing up against Jimin’s shoulder so that he appears in the shot as well. The image is a little blurry, but he can still discern the familiar slope of Taehyung’s nose, his mismatched eyelids and full, pink mouth. His hair is damp and falling flat on his forehead, probably fresh out of the shower.
“Yeah, I forgot how ugly you both are,” Taehyung sasses back, lips twitching. Jeongguk curls his toes in the cool sand and wishes more than anything that Taehyung was here with them. “Where are you guys?”
“New Zealand!” Jimin chirps, turning the phone around to give Taehyung a view of the beach. “It’s sick here, we’re staying an extra two days.”
“Shit, that looks amazing,” Taehyung says appreciatively. “I’m jealous.”
“How’s LA?!” Jimin asks, facing the screen back towards them. “Is that your new place?”
“Yes, welcome to my humble abode,” Taehyung says, panning the camera around to what looks like a spacious, dimly lit living room. “I like it, but the quiet is going to take some getting used to.”
“We’ll be extra loud when we visit,” Jimin promises. Jeongguk’s stomach does a backflip.
“Have you started work yet?” he asks, piping up for the first time. There’s only so long he can get away with just staring silently.
Taehyung nods, biting his lip. “Today was my first day on set.” He messes with his bangs onscreen, fluffing them a little. It’s an old, familiar habit. “Everyone seems really cool.”
“Just not as cool as us, right?” Jimin asks cheekily.
Taehyung looks like he’s mulling it over, and Jimin sticks his tongue out at him, flicking sand at the camera. Jeongguk is envious of how easy the banter is between the two of them, an echo of how he and Taehyung used to be, before Jeongguk got so lost in his own heartache.
“‘Course not, Jiminie,” Taehyung concedes eventually, softening when Jimin turns the full force of his puppy dog eyes on him. Jeongguk finds himself hoping, rather pathetically, that he really means it.
They talk for a while longer, until the sky slips from blue to lilac above them and the waves quiet to nothing more than a gentle lapping at the shore. It gets late enough that Jeongguk’s stomach starts rumbling with hunger, and they pack up to go get dinner as Taehyung climbs into bed.
“See you in a few weeks, Tae,” Jimin says.
“Can’t wait,” Taehyung replies, burrowing into his pillow. It’s strange to think of him making a home in a place Jeongguk’s never seen before. “Miss you guys.”
“Miss you too,” Jeongguk croaks out, almost by accident, and Jimin shoots him a sideways glance before turning back to the phone and nodding fervently in agreement.
Jimin leaves it alone until later that night. They go back to their hostel and change, then head to a local pub for dinner, something casual and inconspicuous. The music is good and no one approaches them, so they end up staying for a drink after dinner as well, which turns into two drinks, so that by the time they get back to their room they’re floating somewhere between tipsy and drunk. Jimin’s lips always get looser when he drinks, so it’s really not all that surprising when he says:
“You okay?”
They’re lying side by side in their respective single beds, tucked beneath cheap, stiff sheets that bear an inexcusably ugly print of varied turquoise foliage. It’s tacky and kind of uncomfortable, but Jeongguk doesn’t mind it much - makes him feel like he’s getting an authentic travel experience.
“Yeah, fine,” he says automatically, not even glancing up from his phone.
“You’ve been quiet all night.”
Jeongguk shrugs and chances a glance in his direction, finds Jimin already frowning back at him. “I’m fine,” he repeats.
And it’s true, he is. As fine as he’s been for the past few years.
Jimin puffs out his cheeks and lets out a long sigh. “‘M getting kinda sick of you lying to me about Taehyung.”
Jeongguk stills, his stomach clenching nervously by default. But then he takes a moment to think about it, observes the frustrated sincerity on his best friend’s face, and all at once he decides he doesn’t really feel like lying about it anymore, either.
“Sorry,” he mumbles.
Jimin raises his eyebrows, clearly having expected another denial from Jeongguk. “I know it’s not really my business,” he says, cheek flattened against his pillow. “But Christ, Guk, you’re my two best friends. It’s not that hard to tell that something went down.”
Jeongguk doesn’t know how to answer that, so he just swallows around the lump in his throat and stays silent.
“What happened?” Jimin asks quietly.
And Jeongguk has no fucking idea how to answer that either, because where does he even begin? “It’s complicated,” he rasps out eventually.
He half expects Jimin to roll his eyes, but he doesn’t, just observes Jeongguk curiously instead, considering. “Were you guys, like - did you ever - ?”
“Yes,” Jeongguk says quietly.
Jimin nods like he had expected as much. “How long?”
Jeongguk’s fingers dig into the coarse fabric of his bedsheets. “Two and a half years,” he whispers.
“Fuck,” Jimin says, eyes widening. “Jesus, Guk.”
Jeongguk stares very hard at a crack in the wooden floor between their beds.
Jimin’s next question is gentle, tentative. “And it ended?”
“He ended it.”
Jimin exhales, and Jeongguk blinks rapidly, fighting back tears. This is the first time he’s ever spoken to anyone about the details of what happened between him and Taehyung, and it’s calling up emotions he’s spent a long time trying to tamp down.
“You loved him,” Jimin says. It’s a statement, not a question.
Jeongguk nods. His chest aches. His heart fucking aches.
“Do you still?”
And there it is, the question that Jeongguk’s spent this whole trip trying to run from. He squeezes his eyes shut, sucking in a shaky breath.
“Yes.”
He hears the rustle of sheets and then Jimin’s bare feet padding on the wooden floor before his own bed dips, the comforting warmth of his body curling protectively around Jeongguk. His forehead presses against the back of Jeongguk’s neck, breath making the tag on the back of his T-shirt flutter. Jeongguk clutches tightly at the arm draped over his waist.
“I’m really sorry you had to go through that alone, Jeonggukie,” Jimin murmurs.
By the end of the night, he’s filled Jimin in on most of the nuances of what had happened between him and Taehyung, although there are some memories he holds so close to his heart that he can’t bring himself to talk about them - the first time they had sex, the first time Taehyung breathed the words “I love you” into his skin. The way Taehyung touched him, how it made him burn from the inside out.
It’s hard to talk about at first, but then he finds that the words start flowing more easily, like a great weight lifting off of his chest. He’s held so much in for so long, and it’s a relief to come clean, especially to someone who knows them both so well. Jimin had been there the entire time, even if he hadn’t know the full extent of what was going on. He listens as intently as Jeongguk knew he would, murmuring words of encouragement and rubbing Jeongguk’s back supportively. It’s exhausting, but when it’s over Jeongguk doesn’t regret telling him.
“Maybe you guys could try again,” Jimin suggests tentatively, when Jeongguk’s eyelids are heavy with sleep from having stayed up so late.
“He moved to LA, Jiminie,” Jeongguk replies, resigned. As far as he’s concerned, Taehyung had made his choice pretty clearly.
“Does he know, though?” Jimin presses. They’re face to face now, still squeezed into Jeongguk’s narrow bed. “How you feel?”
Jeongguk sighs. He knows Jimin’s intentions are good, but Jeongguk needs to stop hoping and learn how to move on with his life, just like Taehyung had done. “I don’t think it really matters,” he says.
The look on Jimin’s face makes it clear that he disagrees, but he doesn’t voice that and Jeongguk is grateful for it. “If you say so.”
Jimin goes back to his own bed after that, and they don’t talk about it again for the rest of their trip.
***
South America is both incredible and exhausting. They see a lot of amazing ancient architecture, fail spectacularly at communicating in Spanish, and take a shot that is literally on fire while FaceTiming with Hoseok on his birthday.
All in all, it’s a pretty successful visit.
That being said, Jeongguk should really spend the flight from Peru to LA sleeping. Instead, he’s restless for most of the trip, his stomach a bundle of nerves at the prospect of seeing Taehyung in the flesh for the first time in months. The time apart has given him a lot of time to think, but it hasn’t helped him reach any kind of resolution. He knows that he still has feelings for Taehyung, and that getting over them now that they’re no longer living in the same place isn’t going to be as easy as he’d hoped. He also knows that being around Taehyung for 3 days isn’t going to do much to help the situation.
By the time they touch down in LA, Jeongguk is sleepy, restless, and still a nervous wreck. Jimin seems to pick up on this, and though he’s kind enough not to say it out loud, he obviously knows it has everything to do with Taehyung. He sticks close to Jeongguk as they leave the airport, giving his shoulder reassuring squeezes and keeping up a steady stream of chatter even when Jeongguk is less than responsive.
Jimin is a really fucking good friend.
To avoid any unnecessary attention, they’ve agreed that they’ll just go straight to Taehyung’s apartment rather than having him meet them at the airport. They experience some of the traffic LA is so well known for on the drive, and it occurs to Jeongguk that in all the times he came here as part of BTS, he’s never really explored the city. He hopes they can do some of that while they’re here.
Taehyung’s building is in a quieter, less congested part of the city, and Jeongguk can tell as soon as they step into the spacious, air-conditioned lobby that more than one celebrity lives here. The doorman doesn’t even bat an eye when Jeongguk and Jimin approach him, and soon they’re in a wood-paneled elevator riding up to Taehyung’s apartment. There’s a mirror on the wall opposite the doors, and Jeongguk isn’t particularly surprised to find himself looking like utter shit, hair greasy and dark circles under his eyes.
Great.
“Everything’s gonna be fine,” Jimin says, bumping their shoulders together when the elevator comes to a stop at Taehyung’s floor. Jeongguk takes a deep breath, nods, and follows him out into the foyer. There’s only one door, which Jeongguk takes to mean Taehyung’s apartment is the only one on the floor.
Before they can knock, the door swings open and Taehyung is bursting out of it, shrieking out an excited greeting. Jeongguk barely gets a look at him before he gets a face full of Taehyung’s hair, his arms wrapping Jeongguk up in a tight hug. He smells exactly the same, and it’s all Jeongguk can do to suppress a shiver as he hugs Taehyung back, reveling in the familiar lines of his body. Over Taehyung’s shoulder, Jeongguk can see Jimin observing them curiously, a small smile on his lips. That’s when Jeongguk realizes that Taehyung had hugged him first.
Not that he’s going to overthink that, or anything.
“I’m so excited you guys are here!” Taehyung cries, pulling away from Jeongguk with a radiant smile and lunging for Jimin. Jeongguk sends a prayer skyward that he doesn’t smell completely disgusting, but after 8 hours on a plane that seems unlikely. Taehyung, of course, looks stunning as ever, clean and well-rested and dressed in loose fitting lounge clothes.
He drags them into his apartment, grabbing at their bags and asking about their trip as they follow him inside. Jeongguk leaves out the part where he spent the entire plane ride stressing out about this exact moment.
“Jeez, Tae, this place is great,” Jimin says, looking around.
They’re standing in what appears to be the living room, and Jimin is right - it’s open and airy, bright in the mid-afternoon sun spilling through a full wall of windows. The walls and most of the furniture are white, with an assortment of plants and bizarrely patterned blankets and throw pillows adding a pop of color. To their right, Jeongguk sees a kitchen, visible through a wide doorway, and on their left is a hallway that presumably leads to any other rooms.
“Thanks,” Taehyung says shyly. “I’m still getting used to it, but I like it a lot.” He beams at them. “It’s nice to have company.”
He gives them a tour of the rest of the apartment, which is similarly bright and spacious. Aside from the kitchen and living room, there’s a guest room, two bathrooms, a rec room where Taehyung has a massive TV and video games set up, and Taehyung’s own bedroom. Compared to their rooms in the dorms, it’s strangely grown up, with glass doors leading out to a terrace and a massive bed right in the center. It’s stupid, but Jeongguk’s stomach flutters just looking at the bed, and the masochist in him wonders who else has or will get to share it with Taehyung. Selfishly, he hopes the answer is no one.
“You guys must be exhausted, so I was thinking we could just stay in tonight,” Taehyung says once they’ve dropped their stuff in the guest room. “I can cook.”
Jeongguk and Jimin both blink at him skeptically, and he lets out an indignant huff. “I’ve been practicing, you ungrateful asses.”
“Sounds great, Taehyungie,” Jimin laughs, patting his shoulder consolingly. Jeongguk nods in agreement - after such a long trip, the idea of just spending a night in sounds perfect.
He and Jimin both shower, and Jeongguk spends far longer than is strictly necessary standing under the hot spray, letting it rinse the grime of the day’s travels off of him. It feels incredible, and by the time he steps out into the moist air of the bathroom, he feels like a new person. All of the bathrooms they’ve used over the course of their trip have been fine, but nothing compares to the comfort of showering in someone’s actual home. Especially when said someone is Kim Taehyung, the familiar scent of whose body wash now lingers on Jeongguk’s own skin. It’s exceptionally distracting, and Jeongguk keeps thinking Taehyung is standing right behind him before he realizes he’s just smelling himself. Still, he likes it - it makes him feel closer to Taehyung, even if his heart hurts a little too.
By the time he emerges into the kitchen, feeling very cozy and comfortable in a clean pair of sweats and a T-shirt, Taehyung is already in the midst of making preparations for dinner. Jimin is still back in the guest room, indulging in the full extent of his skincare routine for the first time in weeks, which means it’s just the two of them for a little while. Jeongguk has to remind himself that in spite of his lingering feelings, Taehyung is still one of his closest friends, and he is fully capable of having a conversation with him like a normal adult. Taehyung has always been easy to talk to, thank god, even when Jeongguk is an awkward, nervous mess. It’s one of the things that had so drawn him to Taehyung in the first place, how effortless it was to be around him.
“Feeling better?” Taehyung asks when Jeongguk leans against the counter next to him. He has all the ingredients for dinner assembled in front of him and is busily chopping a yellow pepper.
“Amazing,” Jeongguk says dreamily. “Can I help you with any- jeez, Tae, careful with the knife.”
His hand closes around Taehyung’s wrist, steadying it where the knife had gotten precariously close to his fingers. Taehyung looks up at him, grinning fondly, and Jeongguk’s heart stutters in his chest.
“You’re always convinced I’m gonna hurt myself,” Taehyung teases. Jeongguk can feel his pulse beneath his fingertips.
“That’s because you always look like you are!” he protests, releasing Taehyung’s wrist reluctantly. “Don’t cut so close to your fingers.”
“Bossy,” Taehyung laughs, rolling his eyes. “I’ll be fine, Guk, relax. I am an adult, you know.”
“Barely,” Jeongguk snarks.
“Says the maknae,” Taehyung tosses back easily. “Now go make yourself useful and open the wine.” He pauses for a second, frowning. “You are old enough to drink in America, aren’t you?”
“Fuck off,” Jeongguk complains, whacking him with a dish towel, but he locates the bottle opener on the counter and sets to work uncorking the bottle Taehyung had set out.
Jimin appears then, as if summoned by the promise of alcohol being served. He claps his hands excitedly when he sees Jeongguk pouring out three glasses of wine.
Taehyung eventually agrees to let them help with some of the cooking, but only on the condition that they are prohibited from doing any clean-up after the meal is served. The rest of the evening passes easily from there, and they make their way through nearly two bottles of wine as they trade stories about Jeongguk and Jimin’s trip and Taehyung’s first few weeks on set. It feels good to be all together again, even if Taehyung’s presence sparks a yearning deep in Jeongguk’s chest. When he finally crawls into bed that night, one of two double beds in Taehyung’s guest room, it’s with a full stomach and a happy heart.
Taehyung takes them around LA the next day, which mostly involves a lot of shopping and Jeongguk and Jimin buying a bunch of stuff they definitely won’t be able to fit in their already packed luggage.
“I can always ship stuff to you,” Taehyung says, waving his hand dismissively when Jeongguk brings this up. Jimin nods appreciatively, but Jeongguk feels his heart sink a little at the reminder that Taehyung won’t be coming back to Seoul with them.
That night, Taehyung takes them out for drinks and dinner at what is apparently a very trendy, up and coming restaurant. From there, they go to the VIP section of a club that Taehyung and his costars frequent. Clubs have never really been Jeongguk’s scene, but Jimin wants to experience a night out in LA, and Taehyung is eager for them to meet some of his costars, so he keeps his mouth shut and tags along. It is a cool place, sort of a speakeasy vibe, and to Jeongguk’s relief the VIP section at least isn’t overly loud or crowded.
They get drinks and situate themselves on one of the luxurious leather couches, talking just the three of them for a while until a small group of Taehyung’s costars show up. He leaps off the couch immediately to greet them, and Jeongguk has to suppress a small surge of jealousy at seeing Taehyung act so warmly to people he’s only known for a month or so. It’s stupid, because Taehyung has always been a social butterfly, but Jeongguk has never been very good at sharing when it comes to him.
Everyone is introduced, and Jeongguk finds that they are a pretty fun, pleasant bunch, even if he’s still a little bitter about them distracting Taehyung’s attention. Taehyung flits between them all easily, just like he always has, clearly basking in being the center of attention and having all of his friends meet.
They get another round of drinks, and then a third, and Jeongguk determines the bartender is not fucking around with these cocktails, because he’s definitely feeling their effect. Jimin clearly is as well, hanging all over everyone and giggling at virtually everything that’s said. It’s not that much of a departure from his regular, sober personality, but Jeongguk is always amused at how drinking makes those tendencies even more pronounced.
All of Taehyung’s costars seem very fond of him, which isn’t really a surprise given that everyone who meets Taehyung loves him. Still, there’s one girl, Seoyun, who seems particularly interested in him, to the point that Jeongguk begins to wonder if there’s something more going on there. She keeps putting her hand on Taehyung’s arm, laughing at the things he says and flipping her long, dark hair in a way that has to be intentional. It gets even more pronounced as the alcohol keeps flowing, and the worst part is that Taehyung, while not as obviously interested as Seoyun, isn’t exactly pushing her away either. At one point, Jeongguk looks over to see him with his hand on the small of her back, ducking down to listen as she speaks into his ear. It hits him like a punch in the stomach, dark, bitter jealousy twisting inside of him.
He’s always known that Taehyung was bi, but the knowledge had been more of an abstract concept since none of them had been able to do much dating while they were in the band. Seeing it play out in real life is a different story, and Jeongguk suddenly finds that he hates Seoyun and her stupid, shiny hair and stupid, petite figure. He knows he’s being ridiculous, and that Taehyung can do whatever he wants with whoever he wants, but she’s everything that Jeongguk isn’t and he can’t help that his heart cracks a little bit at the sight of them together.
It’s a relief when Taehyung gently extracts himself from her and rejoins Jeongguk and Jimin, but even then Jeongguk can’t fully shake the mood it had put him in, and he thinks Taehyung can tell.
“You good?” Taehyung asks, leaning in close so Jeongguk can hear him over the music. All Jeongguk can think about is how he’d just done the same thing with Seoyun.
“Yeah, fine,” he lies, hoping the dim lighting of the club makes it less obvious. He’s never been a very good liar. “Just getting tired.”
“Me too, actually,” Taehyung nods. “Wanna head home?”
Jeongguk and Jimin both agree, so Taehyung calls for a car and they start saying their goodbyes. Seoyun pouts when Taehyung gets to her, tugging on his wrist, and for one truly horrific moment, Jeongguk wonders if she’s going to come back to the apartment with them. But then he’s patting her arm and pulling away, leading Jeongguk and Jimin out of the club and into the waiting car.
Jimin falls asleep on Jeongguk’s shoulder during the drive home, and once they’re back in Taehyung’s apartment, they deposit him on his bed in the guest room before returning to Taehyung’s kitchen in pursuit of water and some late night snacks. Taehyung pulls out a bag of Doritos and they start munching away in silence, Jeongguk still banging around in his own head while he thinks about Taehyung and Seoyun. He’s so lost in his own self-destructive train of thought that it startles him when Taehyung finally speaks up.
“I’m really glad you guys got to meet my costars,” he says.
“Me too, they’re nice,” Jeongguk agrees. And then, before he can stop himself, he adds: “Seoyun seems to really like you.”
Taehyung raises his eyebrows before letting out a short chuckle. “Yeah, I guess so. She’s... fun.”
Something about the way he says it makes Jeongguk think his suspicions may have been correct. “Are you sleeping with her?” he blurts out, already dreading the answer. He’s kind of embarrassed to even be asking, but the alcohol is making him less inhibited than usual.
Taehyung blinks at him, clearly surprised. He swallows the chip he’s eating and sighs. “We’ve fooled around a little, yeah.”
“Oh,” is all Jeongguk can think to say in response. Hearing Taehyung admit it out loud is even worse than he had anticipated. He feels nauseous at the thought of the two of them together, especially knowing that Taehyung sees her almost every day.
“It’s nothing serious,” Taehyung clarifies, watching Jeongguk carefully. “Just convenience, mostly.”
“Oh yeah?” Jeongguk snorts, unable to suppress the bitterness in his tone even though he knows he’s being unfair. “Was that what it was with me, too?”
Taehyung gapes at him, clearly stung, and Jeongguk feels a little bit guilty. “It wasn’t like that with us and you know it,” he says, his tone steely.
Jeongguk shrugs, feeling petulant. “I dunno.”
“Fine,” Taehyung says, blinking rapidly. “I guess I can only speak for myself, but our relationship meant a whole lot more than fucking convenience.” A tear sneaks out and he wipes at it roughly, frustrated. “I can’t believe you would even -”
“Sorry,” Jeongguk says, cutting him off. He’s never been able to stay stubborn for long when he’s made Taehyung upset, especially if he starts crying. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean - I know it was more than that, I know.”
Taehyung sniffs, looking at him with red eyes and a disappointed curve to his mouth. It’s the most honest interaction they’ve had about their relationship since it ended.
“I’m sorry,” Jeongguk repeats.
“It’s okay,” Taehyung says, sighing. “I’m sorry too. I wasn’t trying to like, shove it in your face or anything.”
“I know,” Jeongguk concedes. The rational part of him can recognize that Seoyun had been the aggressive one, not Taehyung.
“And I really mean it when I say it’s nothing,” Taehyung continues, looking down at the counter and then back up at Jeongguk. “It’s nothing like what we had.”
Had. Jeongguk wants to cry.
“Okay,” he says hoarsely. He so badly wants to hold Taehyung right now, hug him and kiss him and forget the past few years ever happened. He’s right there on the other side of the kitchen counter, closer than he’s been in months, and yet still completely out of reach.
Jeongguk is starting to think that maybe it’ll always be this way.
“Guk,” Taehyung says, and Jeongguk suppresses a shiver at the sound of the nickname on Taehyung’s lips. “I know things between us haven’t been the easiest the past few years, but I just - I don’t want it to be like that anymore. I don’t want us to take each other for granted. Especially now that I’m here.”
“I don’t want that either,” Jeongguk admits quietly. He’s not completely sure what Taehyung is asking him for, but he knows he’s right - it had gotten too easy to take Taehyung’s presence in his life as a given, even when their relationship had been strained. It had given him an excuse to act the way he had, to distance himself, because there was always the chance to make things better tomorrow. But now, Taehyung is here, and Jeongguk is going to be in Seoul, and unless he wants to lose Taehyung completely he’s going to have to make more of an effort.
Taehyung gives him a small smile, looking relieved. “So do you think we can try harder? At being friends?”
“Yeah,” Jeongguk says, ignoring the way his heart clenches at the word friends. “Yeah, of course.”
And the thing is, Jeongguk’s not confident he’ll ever know how to be just friends with Taehyung. But if the choice is between attempting a friendship or not having Taehyung in his life, then it’s not really a choice at all. Jeongguk is never going to be strong enough to walk away from him, even if that’s what his wasted heart needs. He’s always going to choose Taehyung, in the end.
“Can I hug you?” Taehyung asks.
And Jeongguk just nods, because why not? If he’s going to do this to himself, may as well dive in headfirst, right?
Taehyung moves around the counter and wraps his arms around Jeongguk, resting his cheek on his shoulder. He’s as warm and familiar as ever, his body the only one Jeongguk has known as intimately as his own. He closes his eyes and lets himself sink into it, tries to forget that he has to go home in two days and leave Taehyung here with someone else. He wills himself to let this be enough, even though on some level he knows it never will be.
“Time for bed, I think,” Taehyung murmurs when they break apart. Jeongguk hums in agreement, realizing all at once how exhausted he is. “I’m really glad we talked, Guk.”
“Me too,” Jeongguk says. Even though he still has his own feelings to contend with, he’s glad that they’ve cleared the air between them, at least somewhat. It’s a relief to know that they’ll still be a part of each other’s lives moving forward, and that Taehyung wants that as much as Jeongguk does. “Night, Tae.”
***
Compared to the night before, their last day in LA is largely uneventful. They sleep late, grab breakfast, and then head to a private beach that one of the producers on Taehyung’s show said they could use. The weather is gorgeous, clear blue sky and a gentle breeze, but even so the beach isn’t overly crowded. They sprawl out across a colorful array of beach towels and chairs and soak in the sun, chatting aimlessly as the hours pass by.
Neither he nor Taehyung bring up their conversation from the night before, but Jeongguk thinks he can sense a shift in how they’re acting towards each other. There’s something a little gentler in their interactions, a little less guarded, more like how they used to be. It’s refreshing.
Now if Jeongguk can just get himself to stop ogling the way Taehyung’s bare chest seems to glow golden in the afternoon sunlight, everything will be just fine.
Taehyung takes them out for dinner again that night, but this time it’s to a little hole in the wall ramen place, and Jeongguk instantly feels more comfortable than he had the night before. They show up dressed in sweats and baseball caps, tucking themselves into a corner and sipping sodas out of plastic cups while they wait for their food to come out. It reminds Jeongguk of their early days as a band, when they could go out without attracting mass attention and everything was so much more casual.
Jeongguk and Jimin’s flight is early the next morning, so they head straight home after dinner and snuggle in on the couch in Taehyung’s game room to watch a movie. As usual, Jimin knocks out about halfway through the movie, but Jeongguk and Taehyung make it to the end, trading stupid commentary about the plot and characters. When it ends, Taehyung looks over at him, his head resting on the back of the couch. Jimin is still snoring gently on his left.
“Guess I can’t interest you in playing Overwatch, since your flight is so early tomorrow,” Taehyung says, blinking at him innocently.
Jeongguk snorts. “You may not know this about me, but I have a bad habit of sacrificing sleep to play video games.”
Taehyung laughs, tossing a controller at him. “Can’t imagine who you picked that up from.”
They play until sleep tugs traitorously at Jeongguk’s eyelids, and the next thing he knows, Taehyung is slipping an arm around his waist, hoisting him up off the couch.
“Alright, up you go,” Taehyung murmurs, slinging Jeongguk’s arm over his shoulders and holding him upright. “C’mon, Jeonggukie, time for bed.”
Only half awake, Jeongguk grumbles in protest, turning his face into Taehyung’s shoulder and grabbing a fistful of his shirt. He’s always been inclined to clinginess when he’s tired.
Taehyung laughs softly, his breath tickling Jeongguk’s ear. Jeongguk’s half conscious mind wants to stay here forever, tucked warm and safe into Taehyung’s side. He settles for clinging to him more tightly, sagging heavy against his body as Taehyung supports him down the hall to the guest room. When they get there, Jeongguk promptly faceplants onto his bed, moaning a little in satisfaction as he sinks into the mattress.
He hears Taehyung laugh again, and it’s such a nice sound, the nicest sound in the whole world maybe. Then he’s being jostled around slightly as Taehyung pulls the duvet over him.
“Mmf,” he says, because articulating the words “thank you” proves to be too much of a challenge in his current state.
“Sleep well, Jeonggukie,” Taehyung whispers, and then there’s a soft press against his temple that Jeongguk belatedly registers as Taehyung’s lips. It makes his heart glow warm in his chest as he falls asleep.
***
The only good thing that can be said for waking up at the asscrack of dawn to catch their flight home is that Jeongguk is far too out of it to fully process his feelings about leaving Taehyung. He’s never been much of a morning person, even after years of early schedules, and on average it takes him about an hour to be able to actually speak to other humans. Even his best friends.
Jeongguk and Jimin collect their things in relative silence, the light outside still pale dawn. Taehyung follows them around like a puppy, stuffing granola bars into their pockets and insisting on accompanying them on the drive to the airport. The mood in the car is somber at the prospect of their impending separation, the conversation minimal as they weave through the quiet, early morning streets.
Taehyung cries when they say goodbye on the sidewalk outside the airport, the morning air still cool around them. His eyes are red, lips pouted, and he looks so small in his gray sweatshirt, hood pulled over his head. Jeongguk doesn’t want to leave him. He thinks about Taehyung’s lips on his temple the night before and wonders if every goodbye will feel this way.
It doesn’t fully hit him until he wakes up halfway through the flight to Seoul, neck sore from having drifted off in an odd position. Jimin is sound asleep in the seat next to him, breathing even, chin drooping to his chest. Jeongguk’s thoughts wander to the past weekend, to Taehyung, and his chest seizes when he realizes that for the first time since they met, he doesn’t know when he’s going to see him again.
It hits him ever harder that night, when he’s standing in the middle of his new flat in Seoul, completely alone for the first time in months. He likes the flat, and he’d had all of his stuff moved in while he was away, but it stills feels empty and lonely without anyone else around. Without the distraction of traveling and Jimin’s constant company, he can’t stop himself from wallowing in self-pity, replaying everything that had happened between him and Taehyung in LA. It had been exhilarating to feel close to him again, but it makes the crash afterwards a million times worse.
When he realizes he’s been staring at a picture of Taehyung from this weekend for a full 10 minutes, he concludes that the situation is dire and decides to call Jimin before he fully dissolves into a puddle on the floor. Jimin, bless him, picks up on the second ring.
“Miss me already?” he greets cheekily.
Jeongguk musters a weak laugh in response, hugging one of the couch cushions closer to his chest. “I’m not doing so good, Chim.”
Jimin sighs, but it’s sympathetic, not exasperated. “Yeah, I kind of figured.”
“That obvious?”
“It’s obvious that there’s something magnetic between you and Taehyung,” Jimin says, and Jeongguk’s heart lifts ever so slightly. He’s always felt that way, but to hear it from an outside party is validating, makes him feel a little less pathetic. “I can’t imagine it would be easy to let that go.”
“So what the hell am I supposed to do?” Jeongguk asks helplessly.
“I don’t know what the answer is for you guys,” Jimin says honestly. “I don’t think you just get over a connection like that. But I do think you can figure out how to move on, and the hiatus is a perfect opportunity to do that. You’re so talented, Jeonggukie, you can do whatever you want.”
Jeongguk is definitely not getting teary at Jimin’s words. “I do want to produce more, and maybe write with the hyungs,” he says.
“See?” Jimin replies encouragingly. “Focus on that, and on hanging out with your best bud Jimin of course. Also, sleeping.”
Jeongguk actually laughs at that. “Yeah, I can do that.”
“This is a scary time for all of us,” Jimin says. “None of us know what’s gonna happen, really.”
“I guess we’ll just figure it out,” Jeongguk replies, mostly because it feels like the right thing to say. But they’ve made it this far, haven’t they? That’s something.
“Yeah, we will,” Jimin agrees. “And so will you and Tae.”
And so they do.
It takes some getting used to, certainly, but Jeongguk settles into his new apartment and a new routine. Some things are the same - he still talks to the members almost daily, their group chat regularly popping up with some random tidbit or joke. He still dances with Jimin and Hoseok a few times a week, still plays games in his free time, still writes music and messes around with his video camera. He just is on his own schedule now, but once he figures out how to manage it, it’s kind of nice.
The first thing he dedicates his time to is going through and editing the footage from the trip. He’s always found it to be soothing and gratifying work, if frustrating at times. There’s hours and hours of video, a mix of scenery and Jimin goofing off for the camera. He’s pleased to find he has enough footage to create a full montage of Jimin making a drunken fool of himself, with cameos of Hoseok and Seokjin drunk FaceTiming them. He sets it to the seminal classic “Tubthumping” and amuses himself with imagining how the other members will react when they watch. Jimin is going to kill him.
The footage from LA is secretly his favorite, for reasons that are probably obvious but he’d rather not delve into. Taehyung shines bright like the sun through all of it, always effortless on camera, and there’s more than one shot of him shoving his face in front of the lens, taking up the whole frame with a deadpan stare or some ridiculous expression. Jeongguk may or may not play these scenes back a few times over, strictly for editing purposes of course. Once, he screenshots one of the more unflattering captures of Taehyung and sends it to him without any caption or message. Taehyung calls him five minutes later, and they end up talking for almost an hour. Jeongguk doesn’t realize until after they hang up that it had been 3 in the morning in LA.
He hosts a screening for the other five members once the editing is complete, all of them piling into his living room with ample amounts of beer and takeout. Everyone is impressed and especially excited when Taehyung pops up in the video, as it’s been months since the rest of him have seen him. The montage of drunk Jimin draws the expected guffaws, Hoseok wiping tears of mirth from his eyes as Jimin chases Jeongguk around the room wielding a throw pillow.
With the video complete, he dives back into songwriting, finding that it comes more easily than expected after some time away. A lot of the lyrics are about heartache and longing, some sad, some angry, some hopeful. He doesn’t question it or try to fight it anymore, just lets himself process the feelings by channeling them into his music. The finished product is always better that way, more authentic. That’s something Yoongi had always tried to teach him - the artistic value of letting yourself be raw.
When he feels like he has some decent stuff to work with, he calls Namjoon and Yoongi, and they set up some time to just mess around in the studio. He knows they’ve both been doing some writing too, together and apart, and he’s eager to hear what they’ve come up with. They’d both taken several months off as well, and he hopes the break had been as creatively restorative for them as it was for him.
The difference in the tone in the studio is immediately obvious. Without any deadlines or expectations to work against, they’re all looser and more relaxed, and it bleeds into the music as well. Jeongguk thinks it’s some of the most fresh, unique work he’s heard from either of them in years, and that’s saying a lot. He’s so impressed that he almost doesn’t want to share his own stuff with them, but Namjoon, ever the leader (even during their hiatus), eventually goads him into it.
He sings bits and pieces of a few songs to them, experimenting with melodies and adjusting lyrics as he goes. When he’s finished, he finds them both staring at him, speechless; Namjoon’s face is very soft, and Yoongi’s eyebrows are raised. Jeongguk swallows.
“What?” he asks nervously. “That bad?”
“No,” Namjoon shakes his head. “Just the opposite, actually. It’s really good, Jeongguk-ah.”
“Oh,” Jeongguk says, shifting under the two scrutinizing stares that are still directed at him. “Thanks.”
Namjoon looks thoughtful, clearly choosing his words carefully. “Jeongguk - ”
“Where the hell did all of that come from?” Yoongi interrupts. His arms are folded over his chest, feet kicked up on an empty chair.
Jeongguk blinks at him. “What - ”
“There’s a lot of pain in that song, bro,” Yoongi says, like it’s obvious, and Jeongguk supposes maybe it is. “Like, someone ran over my heart with a bulldozer kind of pain.”
“Oh,” Jeongguk repeats. He looks down at his feet, embarrassed.
“Want to tell us about it?” Namjoon prompts gently. “Or him? Her?”
Jeongguk’s stomach twists nervously, but as with Jimin all those months ago in New Zealand, he finds he no longer has it in him to lie about his feelings anymore. Forcing himself to meet their concerned gazes, he wonders how much they’ve guessed at already.
“Taehyung,” is all he manages to say, his voice tight. As if that alone explains everything, although from the looks on his hyungs’ faces, maybe it does.
Yoongi lets out a low whistle, and Namjoon nods slowly. Neither of them seems particularly shocked, and Jeongguk wonders if he’s really been that obvious this whole time.
“You knew?” he asks quietly, mostly because the silence is making him uncomfortable.
“I mean, not really,” Namjoon says. “But we wondered.” Yoongi nods in agreement.
“Guess I’m not as subtle as I thought,” Jeongguk says ruefully.
Yoongi snorts. “You’re not subtle at all, kid. But for the record, neither is he.”
Jeongguk’s heart gives a funny little twist at that. It’s been so long since he and Taehyung were together that he sometimes forgets his feelings were once reciprocated.
“You wanna talk about it?” Namjoon asks again.
Jeongguk shrugs. He’s not sure he needs to go down that particular rabbit hole right now. “It was a long time ago.”
It doesn’t really answer the question, but Namjoon and Yoongi seem to understand anyway.
“That’s okay,” Yoongi says, adjusting his cap and leaning forward. “We’ll let the music do the talking.”
***
Considering how many time zones are separating them, Jeongguk thinks he and Taehyung do a pretty good job of keeping in touch. It’s mostly sporadic texting, one of them sending a random observation or joke or something funny they heard that day. There’s one full week where they exclusively communicate by sending each other pictures of cute dogs they see on the street. It ends with Taehyung calling Jeongguk, near tears because he’d seen a Pomeranian and it had reminded him of how much he missed Yeontan.
Talking to Taehyung makes Jeongguk both happy and sad. On the one hand, Taehyung always knows how to put a smile on his face, and it makes his day to look down at his phone and see what obscure thoughts Taehyung has decided to share with him on any given day. Jeongguk has always loved his mind, marveled at the way it works, and being privy to that feels like an honor.
On the other hand, Taehyung is very far away, and Jeongguk really misses him, and each conversation serves as a stinging reminder of that reality.
Taehyung’s show premieres in the fall, and the six of them gather in Seokjin’s apartment to watch it. It’s a dramedy about a Korean American family living in the US, and Taehyung plays the prominent role of a reckless cousin from Korea who has come to stay with them indefinitely. He’s hilarious and his English is flawless and they all shriek like a group of schoolchildren every time he comes onscreen. Jeongguk can’t get the dumb smile off his face, even if it comes with a strong pang of yearning as well.
They FaceTime Taehyung immediately afterwards, all shoving each other out of the way and talking over each other in their efforts to get his attention. Taehyung is clearly overwhelmed and overjoyed, laughing at their antics and beaming at their praise. Jeongguk mostly stays out of the fray, squeezing into a upper corner of the screen and pulling funny faces that he thinks only Taehyung notices.
As they’re saying their goodbyes, Taehyung gets teary. “I just really miss you guys,” he sniffs, wiping at his eyes. “And my family. You’re so far away.”
They all coo at him consolingly, Namjoon spouting wisdom while Hoseok tries to make him laugh. Jeongguk wishes he could reach through the phone and hug him, tell him he’s not the only one, that Jeongguk misses him so much he physically aches with it sometimes. Come back, he wants to say. Be with me.
(Instead, he doesn’t say anything. He does text Taehyung later, though, to see if he’s okay, and Taehyung responds by calling him, and Jeongguk falls asleep with him still on the phone. He wakes up the next morning with his phone still wedged between his cheek and the pillow, drool on the screen and a series of unread messages from Taehyung:
omg did you pass out on me bitch
i hate you
kidding
(kind of)
sleep well
It’s the best start to a morning Jeongguk has had in a while.)
Watching the show at Seokjin’s apartment becomes a weekly event, whichever members are free coming by to catch up and enjoy Seokjin’s cooking. He’s in talks to turn Eat Jin into an actual, cooking-based TV show, so he’s always eager to try out new recipes on them. Given how talented of a chef Seokjin is, Jeongguk is more than happy to oblige.
Tonight finds Jeongguk, Jimin, and Hoseok draped across the various couches of Seokjin’s living room, thoroughly sated from Seokjin’s latest creation and taking turns shouting commentary at the TV screen. Well, the others are shouting things - Jeongguk is mostly quiet and vaguely nauseous, as the main focus of this episode has been the growing romantic tension between Taehyung and Seoyun’s character. Because it would be just Jeongguk’s luck for Taehyung’s onscreen love interest to be the girl he’s also banging on the side.
Jimin keeps shooting concerned glances across the room at him, and Jeongguk is pointedly ignoring him, trying to focus on his phone instead and not the fact that Taehyung and Seoyun’s characters are now having a ~moment~ onscreen. But then Hoseok lets out a dramatic gasp, and Jeongguk can’t help it, he looks up, just in time to see Taehyung duck his head, leaning down to kiss Seoyun. He rests his hand on her cheek in just the way he used to with Jeongguk, and suddenly Jeongguk feels like he might throw up.
“Taehyungie!” Hoseok shouts gleefully as Seokjin wolf whistles. “Damn, look at him go, I knew he had game.”
If Jeongguk were an objective observer, he’d have to admit that it is a good kiss, improved further by the fact that Taehyung and Seoyun clearly have good chemistry. As it is, Jeongguk is the farthest thing from objective in this particular scenario, and watching it unfold onscreen is akin to watching one of his nightmares come to life. All he can think about is Taehyung falling into that giant bed of his with Seoyun, kissing her more, his hands sliding under her dress -
Mercifully, the episode ends immediately after the kiss, and the buzzing in Jeongguk’s ears slowly gives way to the conversation surrounding him. Seokjin and Hoseok are still chattering about what a dreamboat Taehyung is, but when Jeongguk looks up, Jimin is watching him closely, frowning. Jeongguk shrugs helplessly.
“Guys,” Jimin says sharply. Seokjin and Hoseok stop talking, glancing at Jimin and then over to Jeongguk, who blushes and sinks back further into the couch. They seem perplexed for a moment, but then they glance back and forth between the TV screen and Jeongguk, and something seems to click into place.
“Oh,” Hoseok says, eyes round. “Shit.”
“Sorry, Guk,” Seokjin says abashedly.
“Don’t apologize,” Jeongguk shakes his head, embarrassed. “It’s just - he’s sleeping with her. So.”
“Whatever,” Seokjin says immediately, waving a dismissive hand. “I’m sure she’s no match for our Jeonggukie.”
Jeongguk can’t tell if Seokjin deliberately just implied that he was good in bed, but he doesn’t push it. “Thanks, hyung.”
“Can I ask you a question?” Hoseok says seriously, leaning forward. Jeongguk nods. “Is Tae really as good of a kisser as he looks?”
Seokjin elbows him, but Jeongguk just snorts. The whole situation is so absurd he can’t help but laugh at it. “Better,” he admits, and the three of them erupt in cackles.
After that, Jeongguk starts sleeping with people. Not like, rampantly, but more frequently and casually than he ever has in his life. Mostly women, occasionally men, although he usually ends up comparing them too much to Taehyung and not enjoying it. It’s not really his style, and it’s never quite the same as it had been with Taehyung, but it makes him feel moderately less pathetic when he thinks about Taehyung with Seoyun, or whatever other gorgeous celebrities he’s found in LA.
Maybe if he sleeps with enough people, he’ll forget how it had felt when Taehyung touched him.
***
Taehyung comes back to Korea for two weeks at the end of December. He spends most of it in Daegu with his family, but he comes to Seoul a few days after Christmas with plans to stay through his birthday and New Year’s.
The first glimpse Jeongguk gets of him in 9 months is over Jimin’s shoulder, standing outside his door with a scarf wrapped snugly around his neck and his cheeks still pink from the harsh cold outside. His hair is a little lighter than it had been the last time they saw him, and his skin is tanner than Jeongguk has ever seen it, presumably from all that time in the California sun. Jeongguk has Taehyung built up to a pretty high standard in his head, but his beauty in real life never ceases to take his breath away.
It’s a little strange to see him in the flesh after so many months apart, especially since they’ve done so much to repair their friendship since they last saw each other. There’s still a gap that they can’t quite close, probably never will, but things between them are better than they have been in years. Jeongguk has gotten so used to the texting and calling that now that Taehyung is actually here, he doesn’t quite know what to do with himself.
He patiently waits his turn as Taehyung greets the other members, all of them ecstatic and eager to get their hands on him. His stomach is a chaotic mess of butterflies, the feeling only intensifying each time Taehyung catches his eye, something soft in his gaze that Jeongguk dares to hope is reserved only for him. By the time Taehyung is standing directly in front of him, Jeongguk hardly knows what to do with himself, so it’s a good thing Taehyung has always been at ease in awkward situations.
“Jeonggukie,” Taehyung says fondly, nudging the underside of Jeongguk’s chin the way he’s done a thousand times before. Then he’s pulling him in for a hug, and even though he knows the whole room is watching them, Jeongguk just melts into it, his eyes falling shut.
When they break apart, there’s a brief moment of silence, and Jeongguk is suddenly very aware that in the time since the seven of them were last together, he’s inadvertently managed to tell all of the other members about his unresolved feelings for Taehyung. Since no one in this group is familiar with the concept of subtlety, except for maybe Yoongi, they’re all peering at Jeongguk and Taehyung with wide eyes, exchanging knowing looks with each other. Jeongguk groans internally.
Jimin comes to their rescue, clapping his hands together and exclaiming: “So, who's hungry?”
It’s the night before Taehyung’s birthday, and since they’ll be going out to celebrate the next day, they’re using tonight as an opportunity to catch up in a quieter environment, just the seven of them. After the initial clamor of Taehyung’s arrival dies down, they settle back into their regular patterns, the same teasing and general idiocy. Jeongguk finds himself by Taehyung’s side throughout most of it, although he can’t tell if that’s his doing or Taehyung’s. Perhaps a bit of both.
“Seems like things are good with you guys,” Jimin observes quietly, when he and Jeongguk are alone in his kitchen, cleaning up the remnants of dinner.
“Yeah,” Jeongguk nods, scraping the scraps on his plate into the trash. “We’ve been talking more.”
“I’m glad,” Jimin says sincerely. “And you’re okay?”
Jeongguk sighs, running a hand through his hair. “Working on it.”
Jimin offers him a sympathetic smile. “Proud of you.”
At midnight, they tackle Taehyung in a group hug, tumbling on to the couch in a mess of limbs as they shout a chorus of happy birthdays. Taehyung laughs gleefully, radiant under the affection until he starts wheezing from the combined weight of their bodies and Jeongguk has to intervene to save him. Some habits never die, he supposes.
The following night finds them in a private room in one of the nicest restaurants in Seoul, the seven members and a handful of Taehyung’s other friends. Jeongguk hangs back as they arrange themselves around the table, not wanting to intrude on Taehyung’s reunions with the others, but then there are long fingers circling his wrist and before he knows it, Taehyung is pulling him down into the seat next to his. His heart swells in delighted surprise, the part of him that’s always been possessive when it comes to Taehyung temporarily satisfied.
He tells himself not to overthink it, and that’s easy enough to do during dinner while Taehyung’s attention is so frequently diverted to his other guests. Aside from making it clear that he wanted to sit next to Jeongguk, he’s not doing anything out of the ordinary, just chatting animatedly with everyone and occasionally leaning over to whisper something in Jeongguk’s ear. Sure, Jeongguk may have to suppress a shiver every time he feels Taehyung’s breath against his neck, but like he said - it’s nothing out of the ordinary.
But then after dinner rolls around, at the VIP section of one of Taehyung’s favorite bars, and as the alcohol keeps flowing Taehyung becomes progressively clingier. To a certain extent, he’s doing it to everyone, and this is what Jeongguk keeps reminding himself, even when Taehyung’s hands linger on his shoulders, even when he plays with Jeongguk’s ear and messes up his hair like he used to when they were younger. He’s just being affectionate, Jeongguk knows, he just misses everyone. He’s just drunk and touchy and happy because it’s his birthday.
Jeongguk is still repeating this to himself at 3am, when a thoroughly drunk Taehyung snakes his arms around Jeongguk’s waist and rests his forehead on Jeongguk’s shoulder. The crowd in the VIP room is starting to thin out, and the music has gotten mellower, more sultry, allowing for actual conversation. Yoongi and Namjoon had called it a night about an hour ago, but Jimin, Seokjin, and Hoseok are still here, standing at the bar and cracking up over something inevitably ridiculous.
Jeongguk puts his hands on Taehyung’s hips and tells himself it’s just for the sake of steadying him, as he doesn’t seem to be completely stable on his feet at the moment. He’s dressed in a silk shirt the color of champagne, because of course, and Jeongguk can feel the heat of his torso through the thin fabric. He takes a deep breath through his nose, willing himself to focus on anything but that.
“I miss you, Jeonggukie,” Taehyung murmurs, his words slightly slurred. Jeongguk’s grip tightens on his waist, but Taehyung might be too drunk to notice.
“I’m right here, Tae.”
Taehyung turns his face so that his nose is brushing against the side of Jeongguk’s neck. “Can I tell you a secret?” he asks.
Jeongguk swallows and wonders if Taehyung can feel it. “Yeah, of course.”
“I miss you the most,” Taehyung whispers. “I miss everyone, but I miss you the most.”
Jeongguk isn’t sure how to respond to this, doesn’t know if it makes him happy or sad or somewhere confusing in between. All he knows is that Taehyung is so close that he can’t think straight, is behaving in a way that makes the boundaries of their fragile friendship look increasingly blurry.
“I miss you too,” he breathes. “Every day.”
Taehyung squeezes him tighter. “Guk.”
“Mm?”
“At midnight tomorrow,” he says. “Will you kiss me?”
Jeongguk’s heart skyrockets straight into his throat. He knows Taehyung is drunk, knows there’s no way he would be saying this if he weren’t, but fuck. Fuck. He also knows that this is absolutely, categorically, a horrific idea and that his heart almost certainly won’t survive it. And yet -
“Okay,” he stammers. “Sure.”
He’s always been weak as hell when it comes to Taehyung.
***
When Jeongguk wakes up the following morning, he honestly isn’t convinced the whole thing hadn’t been a dream. They’d moved on to another topic quickly after that exchange, and Taehyung hadn’t broached the subject again.
The mature thing to do, he knows, would be to talk to Taehyung about it, but he can’t think of a way to initiate that conversation that doesn’t start with “what the actual fuck” or something equally not chill. Like, for example, “did you mean it, I love you, please say you meant it.” There’s also the small matter that Taehyung had been extremely drunk at the time, and Jeongguk can’t even be sure that he remembers what happened at all.
So, like the mature adult he is, Jeongguk spends the whole day stressing out about it without taking any actual action.
And that’s how he finds himself seated next to Taehyung on the couch in Seokjin’s living room at 11:30pm on New Year’s Eve, still without any idea of what he’s going to do at midnight.
It’s been a relatively quiet evening, complete with Seokjin’s cooking, copious amounts of soju and champagne, and several highly competitive rounds of board games. Taehyung has been acting totally normal, not as clingy as the night before but not distant either. If he remembers what he’d said to Jeongguk in the bar, he gives no indication of it, which only serves to make Jeongguk even more confused.
With thirty minutes to midnight, Taehyung is curled sleepily into Jeongguk’s side, head resting on his shoulder. It had happened innocently enough - they were all wedged on the couch, Seokjin separating them, but then he had gotten up and Taehyung had drooped against Jeongguk instead. Which is totally normal and fine and Jeongguk is definitely not freaking out about it.
Across from them, Yoongi and Jimin are already fully passed out, Jimin’s head in Yoongi’s lap. Seokjin, Hoseok, and Namjoon have just ventured up to the roof to wait for the fireworks, and while Jeongguk is tempted to join them, he finds the warmth of Taehyung’s body too intoxicating to pull away from. The look they all give him as they leave is a little too knowing for Jeongguk’s taste, but he’s choosing to ignore that.
“Any new year’s resolutions?” Taehyung asks, yawning.
Jeongguk hums. “I want to put out my own music, I think. Maybe travel more.” He pauses, taking a sip of his champagne. “Oh, and meet Robert Downey Jr.”
Also, figure out how to not have a mental breakdown every time Taehyung is this close to him.
Taehyung snorts. “If you hang around LA enough, maybe you will.”
“Is that an invitation?”
“I’m not above using celebrities to lure you into visiting me.”
As if Jeongguk would ever need to be lured into visiting Taehyung.
“I’ll consider it.”
Taehyung laughs, and Jeongguk can feel the warm vibration against his side.
“What about you, any resolutions?”
There’s a pause during which Taehyung seems to be pondering the question. “I dunno,” he says finally. “There’s a movie script I’ve had my eye on, but movies are a whole different ball game from TV, so who knows. I miss music, too, and I miss home.”
Jeongguk sucks in a breath.
I miss you the most.
Does Taehyung even remember that?
Before Jeongguk can answer, Taehyung continues. “Really, though, I think my resolution is to be more honest.” He sighs. “Or that’s what it should be, anyway.”
“That’s a good one,” Jeongguk chokes out. He could use a healthy dose of honesty in his life as well.
Case in point: the correlation between his racing heart and the man currently pressed along his side, who likely has no idea. The fact that he’s still too scared to ask if said man really wants to be kissed at midnight.
Yeah, Jeongguk isn’t really a poster boy for honesty right now.
They continue to sit in a comfortable silence, or comfortable for Taehyung, at least - he yawns again and burrows further into Jeongguk’s side, eyelids drooping. Jeongguk, meanwhile, wages an internal war with himself over whether he should bring up what Taehyung had said the night before. Each side has a compelling argument, and he’s still at a stalemate when he glances down at his phone and finds, with a start, that the time is 11:58.
Well, shit.
“Two minutes till midnight,” he breathes, because he’s too much of a pussy to say anything more direct.
When Taehyung doesn’t respond, Jeongguk looks over and finds his eyes are shut, lips slightly parted. And, well - that settles that. He can’t decide if he’s more relieved or disappointed (as if the answer isn’t completely fucking obvious).
Even so, he can’t bring himself to get up and go find the others on the roof. Instead, he stays where he is, listening to the sound of Taehyung breathing, staring at his phone until the thin numbers on the screen suddenly switch to 12:00.
Happy fucking new year.
There’s the echoing boom of the fireworks outside, the colorful lights illuminating the buildings Jeongguk can see from Seokjin’s window. He glances over at Taehyung again, but he doesn’t stir, and that’s when Jeongguk decides to do something a little bit reckless - he leans in and presses a soft kiss to Taehyung’s forehead, just a brush of his lips.
It’s just a friendly gesture, of course. Strictly platonic.
And when his lips travel down to the delicate skin beneath Taehyung’s right eye, that’s platonic too. He’s really just doing what Taehyung had asked him, after all. Nothing to see here.
The last one, though - well, even Jeongguk can admit that when he drops a feather light kiss to the corner of Taehyung’s mouth, he’s doing it a little bit for himself. It’s not even really a conscious decision, just something his body does automatically, an instinct that he never quite learned how to forget. His heart throbs with the most impossible tenderness, and he just - has to. It’s Taehyung’s fault for putting the stupid idea in his head anyway.
And then reality comes crashing back down, just like it always does, so hard that it knocks the wind right out of him. Because Taehyung still lives in LA, and Taehyung is asleep, and Taehyung has done what Jeongguk never quite could: he’s moved on.
Maybe that should be Jeongguk’s New Year’s resolution.
He digs his fingers into his palm, squeezes his eyes shut and wills sleep to come, anything to block out the way he’s feeling right now. The sobering reality that when it comes to Taehyung, his happiness and sadness are so inextricably linked he can barely tell them apart anymore.
(What he misses is Taehyung’s eyes fluttering open, just for a second, the faint twitch of his lips that suggests there’s more than one battered, aching heart in the room tonight.)
***
Hawaii is Jimin’s idea.
Taehyung has been back in LA for all of one week, and he’s already blowing up the group chat moping about how much he misses them. To be fair, Jeongguk has been moping too, but mostly to himself.
Jimin, compulsive empath that he is, promptly pipes up with a solution.
Jimin-ssi
we should go on a trip!!
Tae
bon voyagee?
Hobi hyung
BON VOYAGEEEEEE
min suga
relax with the capital letters i just woke up
Jimin-ssi
it’s 2pm??
min suga
your point?
Hobi hyung
B
O
N
V
O
Y
A
G
E
E
E
!!!
min suga
you’re the worst kind of person
Jin hyung
now now boys
Tae
wait but actually can we go
pls :(
Rapmon hyung
i’m down.
Jin hyung
same
where’s kook?
Jimin-ssi
prob reading this and not responding
Me
hey :(
Rapmon hyung
he lives
Jin hyung
where are we going?
Tae
the stars
Hobi hyung
VEGAS!!
min suga
stop
Hobi hyung
NEVER
Jimin-ssi
what about hawaii?
Me
let’s get it!
When Jeongguk thinks about Hawaii, he thinks about Taehyung. Taehyung, golden skinned and bare faced, standing on top of a mountain under a pale pastel sky and asking Jeongguk if he wanted to live there with him. He can feel the rush in his chest as if it were yesterday.
They’d been together for less than a year then, and it had all still been so new and exciting, even the sneaking around. He remembers the night he got stuck sleeping on the couch, how Taehyung had crept out of his bed and gone down on him right there in the middle of the living room. How Hoseok had stumbled in in search of water and asked what Taehyung was doing out here, how wrecked his voice had sounded when he responded that he couldn’t sleep. How Jeongguk had fucked him into the couch the moment they were alone again.
So yeah, it’s safe to say his memories of Hawaii are bittersweet.
But they’re going, this summer, just the seven of them and no cameras this time (except for Jeongguk’s). Jeongguk is excited for sure, it’ll be nice to get away and he loved Hawaii, but he would be lying if he said he wasn’t a little nervous too. The shift between him and Taehyung had felt so palpable over the holidays, but now that they’re apart again, he’s staring to wonder if he’d read too much into it. They’ve gone back to their regular texting patterns with no acknowledgement of anything that had happened, and Jeongguk supposes that’s maybe because to Taehyung, it hadn’t been anything out of the ordinary. Just the usual: Taehyung being Taehyung, and Jeongguk not being able to handle it.
“I respectfully disagree,” Jimin says when he brings it up. They’re in the dance studio together, just the two of them this time since Hoseok is getting ready to release his second mixtape and hadn’t been able to make it.
Jeongguk had confided in Jimin about his feelings, although he’d kept the details about the almost-kiss and what triggered it to himself. Something about the adrenaline high of a workout always makes him a little more forthcoming, especially when he’s been dancing.
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t think you made it up,” Jimin elaborates, taking a sip of his water. He’s sitting on the floor with his back against the mirror, legs sprawled out in a V. “I was watching you guys, he was being touchy.” He pauses, considering. “I mean, Tae’s always touchy, but it’s different with you, more affectionate, maybe? And I mean, you - you kind of... lean into it, I guess.”
Jeongguk sighs.
“Sorry,” Jimin says, frowning.
“It’s fucking confusing.”
“I know,” Jimin nods sympathetically. “Tae is a pain sometimes.”
“Has he talked to you about it at all?” Jeongguk asks, hoping he doesn’t sound too desperate.
Jimin lifts an eyebrow at him. “Do you really think I would tell you if he had?”
Jeongguk pouts. “Stop being such a good friend.”
“Trust me, you two make it difficult sometimes,” Jimin retorts.
Jeongguk flicks some of his water at him, and Jimin splutters indignantly.
“Oh, it’s on, bitch.”
***
When Jeongguk’s phone starts vibrating in the middle of the fucking night, it’s usually Taehyung pretending to have forgotten about the 16 hour time difference between LA and Seoul. Jeongguk knows this, is used to it by now, and it still doesn’t stop him from jumping about ten feet in the air every time the sound startles him awake.
This time is no different, except for this time it’s the FaceTime ring, which is possibly even more disconcerting to wake up to than his regular ringtone. And this time, there’s someone else in his bed, which means if he’s going to take it, he needs to get up.
Has he mentioned that he really hates Taehyung sometimes?
“What,” he rasps, stumbling into his living room with his eyes still half shut and dropping down on to the nearest chair.
“Someone’s grumpy,” Taehyung chides. As usual, his face is unnecessarily close to the screen, but today it looks like he’s wearing makeup.
“It’s four in the fucking morning, asshole.”
“Oh,” Taehyung frowns, as if they haven’t had this conversation fifteen times before. “Sorry.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Jeongguk yawns and messily pushes some of the hair out of his face. “What do you want?”
Taehyung immediately perks up, flashing him a boxy smile. “There’s someone here I want you to meet.”
Before Jeongguk can question him on it, he tilts the screen and none other than Robert Downey Jr. appears in the frame.
FUCKING ROBERT DOWNEY JUNIOR.
“Hey, Jeongguk,” he says. To his left, Taehyung is grinning almost maniacally, clearly vibrating with excitement. “Big fan.”
“What the actual fuck.”
Those are the first words Jeongguk ever says to Robert Downey Jr.
Luckily, the actor seems to find it funny and bursts out laughing immediately. “Nice to meet you too, kid.”
“Shit, sorry,” Jeongguk says, regaining some control of his senses. Taehyung is literally shaking with laughter now. “It’s the middle of the night here, I - wow. Wow, I’m such a fan.”
“Heard you have an Iron Man phone case,” Robert Downey Jr. says.
Jeongguk laughs, embarrassed. “I used to.”
“Good man,” he says. “Listen, I’ve got to jump, but let’s all grab dinner the next time you’re in LA, yeah? Taehyung here won’t shut up about you.”
Something in Jeongguk’s sleep-hazy brain preens a little at this, but he’s mostly focused on the fact that Robert Downey Jr. had just invited him to dinner. “Yeah, of course,” he stammers.
The actor salutes and then disappears from the frame, clapping Taehyung on the back.
“Jesus, Tae,” Jeongguk says, unable to keep the giddy smile off is face. “Warn a guy.”
“He asked for my number!!” Taehyung hisses, ecstatic.
“How did this even happen?”
“I dunno, we’re at some charity luncheon thing and I went over to him and we just started talking.”
Typical Taehyung, befriending one of the most famous actors in the world like it’s nothing at all.
“Holy shit.”
“Sorry I woke you.”
“Robert Downey Jr. is worth it,” Jeongguk affirms. What he doesn’t say is that Taehyung himself is worth it too.
Taehyung laughs. “Why are you whispering?”
“Did you miss the part where I said it’s four in the morning?”
“So? You live alone.”
“Uh - ” Jeongguk shifts uncomfortably, cleaning his throat. He’s met Haeun a handful of times - she’s a friend of Seokjin’s friend, or something like that. She’s cute, and they’ve flirted before, but last night Jeongguk had been feeling a little drunk and a lot lonely, which is how she’d wound up in his bed.
Oops.
Realization dawns on Taehyung’s face. “Someone’s there.”
Jeongguk nods. It’s probably wishful thinking, but for a second he swears he sees disappointment flicker across Taehyung’s features.
“Sorry to disturb,” Taehyung says, voice a little stilted.
“It’s no problem.” There’s a pit forming in Jeongguk’s stomach all of a sudden, and this isn’t how he’d expected to feel at all in this situation. Smug, maybe, vindicated or even a little spiteful. Instead, he just feels kind of empty.
“I’ll let you go,” Taehyung says, and Jeongguk isn’t just imagining things, his mood has definitely changed. He’s not quite sure what to make of that.
“Okay,” Jeongguk replies quietly. “Thanks for calling.”
Taehyung smiles. “One New Year’s resolution crossed off the list.”
Now if only Jeongguk could figure out that whole honesty thing.
He sits alone in his dark living room for a long time after that, observing the shadowy shapes of his furniture. Suddenly, the prospect of getting back into bed with Haeun is completely unappealing, even though he does like her, even though they’d actually had a good time last night. It just doesn’t feel like nearly enough with the memory of Taehyung so fresh in his mind.
***
They arrive in Hawaii on a Saturday morning, with plans to stay until the following Sunday. It had taken a lot of caffeine and hourly reminders on everyone’s phone to check for Namjoon’s passport, but somehow, they make it in one piece. And now they’re in a van on their way to the house they’d rented, with Hoseok and Jimin giggling hysterically in the back seat over the string of dad jokes Seokjin is making about “getting lei’d.” Namjoon is smiling faintly as well, and even though Yoongi looks like he wants to die, Jeongguk is pretty confident that’s mostly for show.
They’ve rented a house in one of the more secluded areas of Maui, and when they arrive it’s immediately clear that the pictures online didn’t even fully do it justice. It’s simple but beautiful, with a large, comfortable common area and expansive windows offering views of the ocean. The beach is just a short walk away, accessible by a path that cuts through the house’s colorful back garden, and they also have a pool and an elegant stone patio. In short, it’s stunning, and Jeongguk can’t wait to spend a whole week lounging around and doing absolutely nothing.
Taehyung arrives a few hours after the rest of them, announcing his presence with a loud “I’M HOOOOOOME!” as he bounds through the front door. Jeongguk is in the kitchen making himself a sandwich when this happens, and not thirty seconds later, two hands appear from behind him, covering his eyes.
“Guess who?” a person who is very obviously Taehyung asks.
“You literally just shouted that you were here to the whole house,” Jeongguk says flatly.
He senses rather than sees Taehyung pouting. “Come onnnn, guess,” he whines.
Jeongguk sighs. “Robert Downey Jr.”
Taehyung knees him gently in the ass, dropping his hands. “You wish.”
“I do,” Jeongguk agrees, turning to face him. Taehyung gapes at him, offended.
“Now I’m never introducing you to him in person.”
Jeongguk shrugs. “Whatever dude, he invited me to dinner.”
“Yeah, well, I have his number. I’ll text him right now and tell him to uninvite you.”
Jeongguk laughs, shaking his head. “Hi, Tae.”
Taehyung beams at him. “Hi yourself.”
Jeongguk’s stomach does a funny little flip, and suddenly he’s very aware of just how close Taehyung is standing. That’s why it’s probably good timing that Jimin and Hoseok come bounding into the kitchen right at that moment.
“Taehyungie!” Jimin cries, flinging himself into Taehyung’s arms. “Thought I heard your voice. How was your flight?”
“Easier than yours, I’m sure,” Taehyung responds, allowing Hoseok to ruffle his hair. “Although no one would share their pillow with me, so I didn’t really sleep.”
“Rude,” Jimin frowns. “But speaking of, now that you’re here, we can pick rooms!”
He calls for the others, who had been exploring various parts of the house and back garden, and they appear quickly, pulling Taehyung in for warm hugs. Once greetings are exchanged, Yoongi writes out the numbers one through four on scraps of paper, doubling up on one through three, and dumps them all into his hat. The house has four bedrooms, three doubles and one single, so the people who pull matching numbers will be roommates, with the person who picks the lone four scoring their own room.
There’s a mad scramble to pick a scrap of paper, and Jeongguk finds himself oddly nervous, half hoping he’ll end up with Taehyung and half terrified of the very same thing. In the end, though, he has nothing to worry about, because he pulls the four and gets the single.
“Seriously?!” Hoseok cries. “How does Jeongguk always end up with his own room?”
“Are you saying you don’t want to room with me?!” Jimin asks indignantly. “After all the rooms we’ve shared - ”
The two of them start squabbling as the others collect their bags and set off to unpack. Hoseok and Jimin are taking the only bedroom on the first floor, with everyone else upstairs - Namjoon and Seokjin, Taehyung and Yoongi, and then Jeongguk himself. His room is cozy and cheerful, the cerulean blue walls and sea shell theme clearly reminiscent of the beach. The two windows, framed by gauzy white curtains, both offer a view of the back garden and the water. It’s peaceful, Jeongguk decides.
“What’s yours look like!” Taehyung asks, bursting into Jeongguk’s room just as he’s finishing unpacking. “Ohh, I like it. Ours is mostly pink, I think Suga hyung is gonna have an aneurysm.”
Jeongguk snorts, stuffing a few last T-shirts into his dresser. “Remember when his hair was pink?”
“Fondly,” Taehyung replies dreamily.
Jeongguk shuts the dresser drawer and straightens up to face Taehyung fully, which proves to be a mistake because Taehyung is already dressed in his bathing suit, light robe hanging open over his chest. Jeongguk swallows.
“Wanna swim?” Taehyung asks, leaning against the door frame. He looks like a fucking Calvin Klein model. “I already convinced Chim and Jin hyung.”
Jeongguk nods, forcing himself to snap out of it. “Sure, let me just change.”
Namjoon ends up joining them as well, and they spend the afternoon messing around in the pool, Yoongi (slathered head to toe in SPF 100 even though he’s sitting under an umbrella) and Hoseok looking on from the deck chairs on the patio. Jeongguk is 95% certain he catches Taehyung’s gaze lingering on his abs at one point, but when Taehyung realizes he’s noticed, he just flashes him an easy smile and quickly looks away.
“Let’s play chicken!!!” Jimin shrieks, when the intensity of the afternoon sun starts to wane, painting the backyard in a golden glow.
“Dibs on Guk,” Taehyung says immediately, and Jeongguk’s stomach does that flipping thing again. “Jiminie, choose your fighter.”
Jimin frowns, glancing back and forth between Namjoon and Seokjin, who both immediately start flexing. “I pick... Namjoonie hyung!”
Namjoon dimples smugly as Seokjin cries out in indignation.
“Sorry, hyung, you still have very broad shoulders,” Jimin says consolingly, patting his cheek. Seokjin looks slightly mollified at this. “Be our referee?”
So in short, it’s all Park Jimin’s fault that Jeongguk finds himself with Taehyung’s thighs on either side of his head, trying to simultaneously calm his racing heart and figure out where to put his hands. He and Jimin will be having words about this later.
“Fuck, you’re heavy,” Jeongguk grunts, settling his hands at what he hopes is a respectable level on Taehyung’s thighs, just above his knees.
Taehyung smacks the top of his head. “Please, you’ve never had an issue before,” he scoffs, and Jeongguk nearly chokes on his own spit thinking of the various circumstances under which he’s picked Taehyung up in the past.
“You’re unbelievable,” Jeongguk grumbles.
Taehyung tugs lightly on his hair, and Jeongguk bites down hard on his lower lip to keep his thoughts in check. “Yeah, well, I like to win so I’m gonna need you to get your head in the game.”
“Players!” Seokjin calls, clapping his hands together and shooting them a pointed look. “Time to stop flirting and get in position.”
Jeongguk feels the tips of his ears redden, shooting a glare at Seokjin that’s met with an obnoxiously innocent smile.
They square off in the shallow end of the pool, the water coming up to Jeongguk’s waist, and Taehyung and Jimin immediately start trash talking each other. Jeongguk honestly isn’t sure how this is going to go - he’s pretty confident that he’s stronger than Namjoon, but he’s equally confident that Taehyung hasn’t seen the inside of a gym since they went on hiatus, whereas Jimin is very serious about his workout routine. He may be tiny, but he’s far from fragile.
Which is why it’s pretty rich that Taehyung is currently implying he could knock Jimin over with his pinky finger.
Jimin snorts, rolling his eyes. He looks positively cherubic perched on Namjoon’s shoulders, one elbow balanced on Namjoon’s head so that he can prop his chin on his fist, but his biceps are no joke. “Please, when’s the last time you lifted a weight?”
“I literally can’t remember, why do you think I picked Guk as my partner?” Taehyung says, and Jeongguk sighs.
“Glad to know this is going to be a team effort,” he huffs. On the bright side, the general idiocy of the situation is helping to distract him from the fact that Taehyung’s dick is literally pressed against the back of his neck right now.
“I will be contributing my charm and strategic thinking to both distract and confuse the enemy,” Taehyung announces loftily. Jeongguk hears Yoongi snort from the side of the pool. “Say, Jimin, what’s it like finally being tall enough to see over the heads of most children - ”
“Alright!” Seokjin yells, cutting him off. “Let’s try to have a clean match here, you heathens. No scratching or biting, keep the trash talk to a minimum, and for the love of god, please try not to crack your skulls open on the edge of the pool. Are we clear?” They all nod grudgingly. “Okay, on my count. 3... 2... 1... CHICKEN!!”
They lunge towards each other, Taehyung and Jimin letting out battle cries that are honestly a little alarming. Water sloshes around them, and Jeongguk does his best to help Taehyung dodge Jimin while also keeping his footing steady on the slippery floor of the pool. On the sidelines, he can hear Hoseok and Yoongi cheering wildly, neither of them rooting for any particular side.
Jimin gives Taehyung a hard shove, and Taehyung’s legs clench vise-like around Jeongguk’s body to keep himself upright. Jeongguk had honestly kind of forgotten about his koala-like ability to cling to anything and everything, but all at once he’s reminded with startling clarity. He’s also uncomfortably aware of the way Taehyung’s thigh muscles feel shifting beneath his palms, his skin smooth and wet.
Jeongguk really needs to get a fucking grip.
Especially because, during his momentary nervous breakdown, Jimin manages to knock Taehyung over, and they both go tumbling underwater, Taehyung’s legs still tangled around his neck. When he finally manages to resurface, he’s choking a little, and there’s water in his eyes.
“Shit, are you okay?” Taehyung is asking worriedly, his face approximately one inch from Jeongguk’s. His lips look impossibly pink, wet hair pushed haphazardly back from his forehead, and Jeongguk sucks in a shuddering breath that may have more to do with Taehyung’s proximity than Jeongguk’s actual need for oxygen. Namjoon claps him on the back.
“Yeah, fine,” Jeongguk coughs.
Taehyung’s face relaxes into a smile that gives Jeongguk butterflies. “Okay, good. Don’t go drowning on me.”
“You know, Jeonggukie, if you’re not feeling up for a rematch, Namjoonie hyung and I can just take the win for today,” Jimin says, all faux innocence. “We can always go again to - ”
“Oh, hell no,” Jeongguk retorts, shaking his head. “Tae, get on my shoulders.”
Taehyung frowns in concern. “Guk, are you sure - ”
“SHOULDERS!”
Taehyung regards him with wide eyes. “You’re a goddamn warrior,” he says solemnly, before fist bumping Jeongguk and clambering back on to his shoulders.
They’ve always made a great team.
This time, he and Taehyung win, mostly because Jeongguk (figuratively) takes his head out from between Taehyung’s legs and actually focuses on the game. He’s stronger than Namjoon, so all he needs to do is keep Taehyung upright until Namjoon loses his hold on Jimin. Which is exactly what happens a few minutes in, and they go toppling into the water while Taehyung crows in victory.
“Rematch!” Jimin cries wildly as soon as he pops back up, shaking the wet hair off of his face.
“No, I’ve had enough of you guys almost drowning each other for one day,” Seokjin intervenes. When Jeongguk, Taehyung, and Jimin all start protesting, he holds up his hands. “I’m making cocktails, everybody out.”
Their protests turn to cheers, and Taehyung slides down Jeongguk’s back, dropping into the water next to him. He holds up his hand and Jeongguk meets him for a high-five. “Nice work, partner.”
***
The next day dawns a bit gloomier than the first, a thick layer of gray clouds carpeting the sky. Yoongi makes the argument that this is actually the perfect weather for them to go to the beach, but they end up overruling him in favor of exploring the small town near their house.
There’s not a tremendous amount to do, but they had picked that deliberately, somewhere not as touristy where they’re less likely to be recognized. Even still, they go out wearing hats and face masks as an added precaution, and break out into smaller groups to avoid drawing extra attention.
Jeongguk ends up with Taehyung and Jimin, wandering in and out of a row of boutiques dotted along the town’s main drag. Predictably, Taehyung fixates on the shirts with the most garish prints and patterns, ripping a whole armful off the rack for them to try on.
“I think I can really make this work,” he says seriously, emerging from the dusty dressing room in a bright turquoise shirt adorned with cartoon sea turtles. “It’s a statement piece.”
Privately, Jeongguk marvels at the fact that Taehyung actually is making it work, in spite of how ridiculous the shirt is.
“Is the statement that you’re a 60 year-old American dad who frequents bingo night and likes to barbecue?” Jimin asks, snickering, and Taehyung throws a straw hat at him.
“You clearly just don’t understand fashion,” Taehyung sniffs, admiring his reflection in the mirror. “Guk, you like it, right?”
They both turn to him, expectant. “It’s like it was made for you,” Jeongguk says, and Jimin rolls his eyes while Taehyung cheers.
“I forgot how insufferable you two are together,” Jimin mutters, drifting off to observe a stand of postcards.
Taehyung shakes his head regretfully. “Such a simpleton.” He turns to Jeongguk, eyes glinting with mischief. “Okay, your turn!”
And really, Jeongguk should have known this was coming.
“I really don’t - ” he starts to protest, but Taehyung is already shoving him unceremoniously into the dressing room, throwing a hot pink, flamingo patterned shirt in his face. As an added bonus, the flamingos are wearing sunglasses.
“Absolutely not,” he says a minute later, when he steps back out from behind the curtain and catches sight of himself in the mirror. In addition to being a hideous monstrosity, the shirt is too tight and looks generally ridiculous on him.
Taehyung immediately bursts into a fit of hysterical laughter. “Oh my god,” he gasps, delighted.
“I hate you,” Jeongguk informs him, turning to go back into the dressing room.
“Wait!” Taehyung yelps, catching his arm. “You can’t take it off, hang on, I need a picture - ”
“Fuck no.” Jeongguk reaches for the buttons of the shirt, racing to undo them before Taehyung locates his phone.
Taehyung realizes what he’s doing and promptly starts rebuttoning the buttons that Jeongguk has already unfastened.
“Are you fucking serious - ”
“Just, wait one second - ”
The situation is so absurd that it takes a few seconds for Jeongguk’s brain to catch up to the fact that he and Taehyung are standing just a few inches apart, both of them giggling as they fumble with the buttons of his ridiculous pink shirt. Their fingers keep brushing together, and fuck if the implications of this scenario don’t have Jeongguk’s brain going haywire, the tips of his ears flushing as pink as the shirt.
Isn’t he supposed to be an adult, or something? Shouldn’t he be able to handle being in close proximity to his ex without having a mental breakdown?
Apparently not, because all he can think about is the two of them doing this in a different context, fingers trembling in their rush to get naked, desperate to feel skin on skin.
God, Jeongguk is still so fucked.
His hands still somewhere along the course of this panic spiral, and Taehyung must notice because a second later his gaze flicks up to Jeongguk, eyes a little wide.
“There,” he says, - does he sound just a shade breathless? - taking a step back. “That wasn’t so hard, was it?”
Jeongguk flips him the bird.
Over Taehyung’s shoulder, he catches Jimin watching them, eyebrows somewhere in the vicinity of his hairline.
***
It takes Jeongguk a long time to fall asleep that night, unable to calm the thoughts of Taehyung swirling in his mind. He doesn’t know what the hell is going on between them, whether he’s reading too much into things or there really is something a little more than platonic simmering just below the surface. It reminds him of how he felt over New Year’s, like they’re dancing around each other, playing with fire but both too afraid of getting burned.
And that’s the problem, isn’t it? Jeongguk has been burned before, and he never fully recovered.
Any part of him that wants to push his luck, make a move and see what happens, is silenced when he remembers that he’s been down this road before and it ended with his heart in a tattered, bloody mess. Taehyung didn't want him when they broke up, didn’t want him when they went on hiatus - what reason is there to think that he’d feel any differently now? Jeongguk is probably just projecting his own feelings on to Taehyung’s behavior.
He finally falls asleep somewhere between 1 or 2 in the morning, only to be jolted awake what feels like five minutes later by the sound of a voice very close to his ear.
“Guk.”
It’s Taehyung. Jeongguk assumes he’s dreaming and hopes it’s not a dirty one. That would make tomorrow awkward.
There’s a sharp prod against his side, and Jeongguk grunts, curling in on himself.
“Guk, wake up.”
Jeongguk cracks a begrudging eye open and finds that, in fact, he’s not dreaming, and Taehyung really is kneeling at the side of his bed, looking far too awake for - he glances at the clock on his bedside table - five fucking thirty in the morning.
What the actual fuck.
“What the actual fuck,” he grumbles, eyes drifting shut again.
Taehyung pokes him again. “C’mon, I want to watch the sunrise and Yoongi hyung said no.”
Frankly, Jeongguk is surprised Taehyung is even alive after trying to wake Yoongi up this early in the morning.
“It’s five thirty in the morning, go away.”
“Please?” Jeongguk can hear the pout in his voice without even opening his eyes. “We’re in Hawaii, how often do you get to watch the sunrise in Hawaii?”
Jeongguk sighs. He makes a fair point, even if technically they have already watched the sunrise in Hawaii.
“Fine,” he huffs, and is greeted with a full frontal dose of smiley Taehyung when he finally manages to pry his eyes open.
Jeongguk is weak as fuck.
He pulls on a pair of gym shorts and a zip-up hoodie, feet sliding into the first pair of flip flops he can find as he fumbles around his room, still only half alive. Then he follows Taehyung out of his room and down the stairs, moving quietly so as not to disturb the others.
The air outside is cool and damp with dawn, the sky starting to lighten faintly over their heads. Everything around them is very still, the world only just staring to wake up, and Jeongguk is reminded that when he does manage to drag his ass out of bed, he really appreciates the peace of the early morning hours.
Taehyung leads him to the small clearing in their garden, outfitted with a swing seat that faces out towards the beach. The shrubbery of the backyard mostly conceals it from the house, but it opens up on the other side to offer a clear view of the ocean and the pinkening horizon. They climb on to the swing, huddled close together since there’s a slight chill in the air, their corner of the earth still waiting to be warmed by the sun. Jeongguk knows he’s supposed to be focusing on the oranges and golds that are starting to streak the sky, but he can’t help sneaking occasional glances at Taehyung. His face is bare, eyes still a little puffy from sleep, but he looks so fresh and beautiful that it takes Jeongguk’s breath away.
God, he’s such a fucking cliche.
“Do you remember when we talked about living here?” Taehyung asks, his voice low and raspy.
Jeongguk swallows. Of course he fucking remembers. “Yeah,” he says weakly. His heart aches.
Taehyung hums. “I have a confession to make.”
“Okay.”
“I didn’t try to wake Yoongi up,” he says quietly, glancing over at Jeongguk and then looking down at his lap. “I just wanted to watch the sunrise with you.”
Jeongguk’s heart surges in his chest. “Oh,” he says dumbly. Taehyung is still staring at his knees, so he adds: “I’m glad.”
Taehyung perks up at this, turning to face him with a soft smile. The warm light climbing over the horizon makes him almost glow as he cocks his head at Jeongguk, seemingly considering something. “I have another confession.”
“Okay,” Jeongguk repeats.
“I was awake on New Year’s.”
Jeongguk stills, his stomach jolting uncomfortably. Oh, fuck.
“I.”
Nice, Jeongguk. Very eloquent.
Taehyung bites his lip, looking surprisingly nervous. “Why didn’t you kiss me?”
“I was scared,” Jeongguk all but whispers. His heart is jackrabbiting in his chest, but he can’t take his eyes off Taehyung. “Why didn’t you tell me you were awake?”
Taehyung gives him a small smile. “I was scared.”
Well, fuck. Fuckity fucking fuck.
“If I pretend to be asleep again, will you try again?” Taehyung’s voice is soft, and Jeongguk can just tell that this isn’t easy for him, that he’s taking a big risk right now. It makes something burn inside of him, a flame of hope licking at the insides of his chest.
He nods. He feels like he might pass out.
Taehyung closes his eyes, and Jeongguk wishes he had his camera with him right now, not to capture the sunrise but the look on his face, an openness that Jeongguk realizes he hasn’t seen in years.
He can’t fucking believe this is happening.
He leans in, pressing his lips to Taehyung’s forehead, heart stuttering when he hears Taehyung’s slight intake of breath. Then he drops down to his cheek, brushing his mouth over the fragile bone that runs just below his eye. And then, without pulling away, his lips skim down to the corner of Taehyung’s mouth, kissing it gently, his own breathing ragged.
It’s not necessarily that Jeongguk is surprised when Taehyung turns his head and meets him for an actual kiss. It still knocks the wind out of him though, because he honestly never thought he would have this again, the feeling of Taehyung’s lips moving against his own. He feels like he’s living in some sort of lucid dream, because it’s at once so familiar and so surreal - Taehyung’s mouth parting against his, the brush of his tongue and the way he tastes. All of these details that Jeongguk had once known so intimately, that he’s clung to even as he tried to make himself forget.
The kiss is gentle, almost exploratory. They’ve done this a million times before, but so much has changed since then, so much that Jeongguk doesn’t want to think about right now. Instead, he wants to focus on the warm weight of Taehyung’s hand on his knee, the softness of Taehyung’s hair beneath his fingers. He wants to drown in the soft noise Taehyung makes when Jeongguk sucks lightly on his lower lip, something his body remembers to do without any help from his mind.
It’s seriously surreal.
Taehyung’s fingers skim the underside of his chin, and Jeongguk honestly thinks he might cry with how overwhelmed he is. His heart feels swollen in his chest, throbbing with how much he’s wanted this, how much he’s missed this, and he’s bowled over with the realization that, at least on some level, Taehyung has felt the same. That Taehyung had wanted to kiss him on New Year’s, and wants to kiss him now, and just, fuck -
There’s a rustling from somewhere behind them, followed by the sound of snapping branches and, finally, a curse. They startle apart just in time to see Namjoon stumble into the clearing, clutching at his knee and grumbling to himself. There’s a twig stuck in his hair, and Jeongguk can see a thin trickle of blood dripping down his shin.
“Hyung, are you okay?” Taehyung asks, putting an extra inch of space between himself and Jeongguk. His lips look a little pinker than before, and Jeongguk needs to physically pinch himself to stop staring and redirect his attention to Namjoon.
“Oh, hey guys,” Namjoon says, straightening up. He gestures down at his knee, where a shallow cut is now visible. “Yeah, I’m fine, just was rushing to catch the sunrise and tripped over a branch. The usual.” He offers them a resigned shrug. “Were you guys watching the sunrise too?”
“Yes, that’s exactly what we were doing,” Taehyung nods, smiling innocently. Jeongguk coughs and looks down at his lap - he’s never been a particularly good liar.
“I guess I kind of missed it,” Namjoon frowns, looking out at the ocean. The sky still looks beautiful, but the sun is fully above the horizon now and the most dramatic views have since passed. “How was it?”
Excellent. Amazing. Best sunrise of Jeongguk’s life.
“Super,” Taehyung says, glancing sideways at Jeongguk. “Or at least, I thought so. What about you, Guk?”
Jeongguk nods, biting down a smile. “Ten out of ten, would recommend to a friend.”
Taehyung snorts, rolling his eyes, but he also looks immensely pleased. Namjoon seems a little confused by their responses, brow furrowing, but he nods along anyway.
“Cool. I’ll have to set my alarm for earlier tomorrow.”
After a few more minutes spent observing the slowly brightening sky, they make their way back up to the house to help Namjoon clean up his cut and locate a Band-Aid. Jeongguk has a brief fantasy of crawling back into his bed and catching another few hours of sleep - or, more pressingly, dragging Taehyung off somewhere to talk about and/or do a lot more of what just happened - but then Taehyung says he’s hungry and they set to work making breakfast instead. Seokjin surfaces shortly thereafter, probably triggered by some sort of sixth sense that Namjoon is trying to do something in the kitchen, and the others trail in one by one not long after that. Aside from Taehyung, they’re all still kind of jet lagged, which has lent itself to some unusual sleep schedules these past few days.
They spend the day on the beach, setting up a fortress of multicolored umbrellas, beach towels, and foldable chairs. Within the first hour, they’ve gone through two full tubes of sunscreen, but occasional patches of clouds and a cool breeze temper the heat, not to mention the ocean itself. To keep themselves entertained, they go boogie boarding, engage in a rousing match of beach volleyball, and build sandcastles, which, naturally, turns into a fierce and volatile competition. Jeongguk teams up with Taehyung, which he is embarrassingly pleased about, but Taehyung keeps brushing his hand and shooting him these cute little smiles, so Jeongguk decides it’s okay. Even if he feels like a fucking lovestruck fifteen year old all over again.
Their sandcastle doesn’t win, probably because they get too sidetracked building a courtyard for Yeontan and forget to fortify the left tower (it collapses halfway through Yoongi’s appraisal), but Jeongguk thinks it has flair. No one else’s castle has sea shell replicas of Tata and Cooky in the front yard, after all.
It’s a really fun day, but the one downside is that it doesn’t allow Jeongguk a single moment alone with Taehyung. Every time they try to sneak off, whether for a swim or back to the house to grab something, someone else always ends up joining. Jeongguk feels like he’s going insane, his stomach a jumbled mix of nerves and anticipation, and he just has so many questions. Like, for starters, what does this mean and what do you want and mostly, mostly, can we do that again? He’s trying not to get ahead of himself, doesn’t want to get his hopes up, but shit. He’s freaking out.
They cook dinner at home that night, spreading out their feast across the big glass table on the patio. Jimin lights some candles, Hoseok wheels out a cooler full of beers, and they have a proper family dinner while they watch the sky slowly fade to dark. You can see the stars here, a smattering of diamond pinpricks above them, and the moon bathes the beach and the ocean in a pale glow. It’s tremendously peaceful, being in this beautiful place surrounded by his six best friends, and the warm buzz of the beer makes Jeongguk feel loose and happy. It’s helping a lot with the whole Taehyung-induced nervous breakdown situation.
Seokjin calls it a night first, followed by Jimin and Hoseok, then Namjoon, and finally, Yoongi. Each time one of them gets up, Jeongguk feels a flutter of nerves and forces himself not to immediately look at Taehyung. He’s waiting them out at this point, and his suspicion that Taehyung is doing the same has him practically vibrating with nervous energy.
“You coming, Tae?” Yoongi asks, standing up and stretching his arms over his head. He’s wearing a black hoodie that makes him practically blend in with the darkness and casts shadows over his face.
Jeongguk’s stomach clenches, then loosens when Taehyung shakes his head. “Gonna stay out for a little while longer.”
Yoongi nods, casting a look at Jeongguk that’s a little too knowing for his liking. “‘Kay. Night.”
And then it’s just the two of them, looking at each other across a moon-washed table and a lifetime’s worth of history. Jeongguk swallows.
“Wanna swim?” Taehyung’s voice is low and smooth, and no, Jeongguk doesn’t really want to swim, but he does want to do anything that’s said in that voice, always. So he nods, and Taehyung smiles, leaping up from his chair and leading the way down to the pool. It’s lit by a series of bright lights dotting the edges, casting a watery blue glow over the patio and Taehyung himself. He shoots a cheeky smile at Jeongguk over his shoulder, then strips off his shirt and dives in headfirst. Jeongguk is grateful that the sound of the splash conceals the embarrassingly shaky breath he sucks in.
He opts for sitting on the edge of the pool while Taehyung does a lap, the gritty stone digging into his ass. His feet and calves dangle in the water, toes just brushing the ledge that serves as a makeshift seat.
“Get in the water, you pussy,” Taehyung chides, swimming over to him. His hair is already wet, pushed back from his forehead in a way that Jeongguk has always been a little weak for. He kneels on the ledge between Jeongguk’s legs (Jeongguk is definitely not having an aneurysm about that, no sir) and tugs lightly at his ankle.
Jeongguk shakes his head, trying to maintain some semblance of sanity. His heart is pounding so hard in his chest that he feels like Taehyung must be able to hear it. “I’m good.”
Taehyung pouts, grabbing his wrist and pulling him forward. They’re so close that he can make out the droplets of water sliding down Taehyung’s nose. “C’mon.”
Jeongguk twists free, linking his fingers with Taehyung’s over his thigh and ducking down further. “No,” he murmurs, and then, because he can’t physically stop himself anymore, he kisses him.
This kiss is different from the morning, more purposeful, more urgent. Taehyung straightens up to his full height on his knees, crowding closer, wet fingers dipping into Jeongguk’s hair. Jeongguk presses back eagerly, one hand sliding to the back of Taehyung’s neck, the other flattening over his collarbone. His skin is covered in goosebumps, probably from being in the pool, although Jeongguk likes to think it might have to do with a little more than that too.
Taehyung still remembers exactly how to kiss him, and Jeongguk still responds like a fool in love, each press of Taehyung’s lips sending shivers down his spine. He tastes of chlorine and beer, and fuck, Jeongguk has missed this, how easily their mouths slot together, at once familiar and exhilarating. He’s never enjoyed kissing anyone this much, never been so intoxicated by the soft curve of another person’s mouth. He’s so fucking whipped for Taehyung, he thinks, but at this point he’s not even sure he cares.
“God, Guk,” Taehyung pants when they break apart to catch their breath. His chest is rising and falling heavily, dark eyes scanning Jeongguk’s face, and Jeongguk feels drunk in a way that has nothing to do with the beer. “I just - I’ve been wanting - ”
“I know,” Jeongguk murmurs, his stomach swooping.
I’ve been wanting this forever.
He pulls Taehyung’s mouth back to his, impatient. “Me too.”
I’ve been wanting this since this morning, since New Year’s, since you walked out my door six years ago. Since the last time, and the first time, since the moment I met you.
It takes a few seconds of Taehyung’s fingers tugging at the drawstring on his board shorts for Jeongguk to process what’s happening, but when he does, his brain promptly short circuits. He makes a choked off noise against Taehyung’s mouth, hips straining upward into the warm pressure of his palm. He feels Taehyung smile, the cheeky bastard, and then he’s pulling away to mouth along Jeongguk’s jaw and neck, hand tracing the half-hard outline of his cock.
“Tae,” Jeongguk breathes, shuddering. His body feels like a live wire, every sense attuned to Taehyung and his movements.
“Mm,” Taehyung hums, tugging Jeongguk’s cock out of his board shorts and wrapping a fist around it. God, his hands are so fucking big, Jeongguk had almost forgotten -
“Oh, fuck,” he groans, heat coiling tight in his belly as Taehyung strokes him to full hardness. It doesn’t take long, never has with Taehyung, and Jeongguk doesn’t know whether he should be embarrassed or flattered that Taehyung still knows his body so well.
Taehyung sinks down lower on his knees, so that the pool water laps gently around his chest but leaves Jeongguk with a view of the slope of his shoulders. He dips his head to hover just above Jeongguk’s dick, then pauses, shooting a questioning look up at him. Jeongguk sees the nervous bob of his throat as he swallows and realizes that Taehyung isn’t just teasing him, is instead checking to see if this is okay, make sure they’re still on the same page. Nothing has ever been more okay in his life, Jeongguk thinks privately, his heart giving a small thump of appreciation somewhere beneath the haze of lust.
He tries not to nod too eagerly, casually disregarding the fact that they’re completely out in the open and theoretically any of the members could walk out and catch them at any moment. Seems like a risk worth taking, in his opinion. Taehyung’s mouth gives a small twitch upward, and he sinks down, lips closing around the head of Jeongguk’s cock.
He sucks lightly, tongue teasing at the tip, and Jeongguk is already so sensitive, body trembling as he fights the urge to thrust up into Taehyung’s mouth. Not that Taehyung would even mind, probably, but it seems like poor first-blow-job-in-six-years etiquette.
Jeongguk’s hands find purchase on the stone of the patio, head lolling back as he loses himself just a little in the bliss of Taehyung’s mouth. He gets an eyeful of the stars in the sky until he realizes he’d rather be looking at Taehyung and redirects his attention downwards, choking back a moan as he takes in the way Taehyung’s lips stretch around his length. He used to joke that Taehyung had a mouth made for sucking cock, but suddenly it doesn’t feel all that funny anymore.
“Fuck, Tae,” he gasps. Taehyung gives a particularly hard suck at the sound of his own name, eyelids fluttering shut, and Jeongguk nearly dies. “I - fuck, I missed your mouth.”
“Missed your cock,” Taehyung pulls off briefly to say, but he’s swallowing him back down before Jeongguk can even whimper in protest, fingers scratching lightly up the backs of Jeongguk’s calves.
Jeongguk really, truly can’t believe his fucking luck. Never in a million years would he have guessed, even dared to hope, that this trip would end up this way - that he’d be sitting on the edge of a pool in the middle of the night with his cock down the throat of the man who is both his ex and also likely the love of his fucking life. That he’d be reminded, firsthand, of the way it feels when Taehyung’s throat contracts around his dick, the way his tongue folds to accommodate the shape of him. It’s dizzying, and Jeongguk’s probably a fucking pussy for getting so emotional about a blow job, but fuck, no one’s ever made him feel quite like this.
Taehyung’s thumbs dig into his hip bones, long fingers splaying out across Jeongguk’s waist, cool and rubbery from the water. In contrast, his mouth is wet and warm, and Jeongguk has long since lost track of the noises he’s making, mostly likely a garbled, desperate mess. Instead, he’s focused on petting Taehyung’s hair, marveling at the expanse of his forehead and the general perfection of his facial structure.
He comes down Taehyung’s throat far sooner than he would care to admit, mumbling out a rushed “Tae, wait,” as the tension in his body peaks and then unravels. Taehyung takes it like the fucking god of sucking dick he is and then proceeds to pepper kisses over Jeongguk’s hips and thighs while Jeongguk slowly returns to full consciousness. When he does, he immediately slips into the pool next to Taehyung, grabbing his face and kissing him until his lungs are screaming for oxygen.
“You're so - Jesus,” he breathes, pressing kiss after kiss to Taehyung’s cool lips. His hands are framing his face, and he’s pleased to find Taehyung giddy and faintly dazed, kissing him back eagerly.
They slip off the ledge and Jeongguk cages him against the pool wall, their legs free floating and tangled beneath them. Taehyung’s hands slide up his back, clutching at his shoulder blades, and Jeongguk dives for his neck, teeth scraping along the smooth, damp skin. There’s so much to rediscover, so many favorite parts of Taehyung that he can barely decide where to start. He feels like some kind of addict, his whole body electrified and thrumming from getting a taste of this again.
He prays to god it’s more than just a taste.
Taehyung’s legs drift up to wrap around his waist, and that’s when Jeongguk fully realizes how hard he is, erection pressing against his stomach through the soggy fabric of his shorts. He feels a jolt of arousal at that, his own cock twitching in interest at the knowledge that he can still draw this kind of reaction from Taehyung.
“Oh god,” Taehyung breathes, and Jeongguk presses closer, rolling his hips forward, determined to make this just as good for Taehyung as it is for him. Taehyung trembles against him, arms locking around Jeongguk’s neck and pulling him in tight.
“You’re shivering,” Jeongguk observes, words mumbled against Taehyung’s mouth.
“That’s what happens when you touch me,” Taehyung murmurs back, and Jeongguk’s heart grows about three sizes on the spot.
“Also when you’re too cold,” he chides gently, using the hand that’s not clutching the side of the pool to rub up and down Taehyung’s back. “Let’s get out, let’s go - ”
“Your room,” Taehyung says a little breathlessly. Jeongguk feels like the wind has just been knocked out of him, repeatedly. “Can we go to your room?”
There’s the barest trace of hesitation on his face, so Jeongguk responds by kissing him as deeply as he knows how, hoping that somehow conveys everything he’s feeling in this moment. Then he tows Taehyung over to the shallower end of the pool, the two of them clambering up the steps and snatching towels that they’d left to hang dry earlier. Taehyung looks fluffy and adorable with the towel draped around his shoulders, and Jeongguk can’t resist leaning in to kiss him again, any thought of appearing casual or suave long forgotten.
They slip up the stairs to Jeongguk’s room as quietly as possible, an unexpected reversal of how their day had started. Jeongguk’s heart is thundering in his chest, his mind racing now that he actually has a few seconds to think. He feels suddenly nervous, stomach twisting at the thought of what he dares to assume is going to happen next. It’s been a long time since he’s wanted someone this badly, since he’s slept with someone he cares for this deeply, and the intensity of it all is overwhelming.
Inside, Jeongguk fumbles with the lamp on his bedside table as Taehyung drops the towel from around his shoulders. They stand, face to face and breathing heavily, amidst the overwhelming seashell-themed blueness of Jeongguk’s room. Taehyung is obviously hard in his shorts, the wet material clinging in a way that leaves nothing to the imagination, and Jeongguk can’t stop staring.
“Jeonggukie,” Taehyung pleads, and Jeongguk jumps back into action, pulling him in by the waist and tugging off his shorts. Taehyung’s cock springs free and Jeongguk immediately gets a hand around him, basking in the choked off moan that Taehyung lets out. It feels a little bit like being 18 again, discovering every nuance of Taehyung’s body and marveling at how he reacts.
His forehead drops to Jeongguk’s shoulder, and he sucks in a shaky breath. Says: “I want you to fuck me, Guk.” And Jeongguk feels so certain he must be dreaming, his knees nearly give out.
But the words are crystal clear in the otherwise silent room, spoken decisively and without hesitation. Another thing Taehyung has always been better at than him - asking for what he wants, at least in bed. He’s still got his face hidden in Jeongguk’s shoulder, though, so maybe he’s not quite as confident as he sounds.
“Okay,” Jeongguk whispers, mostly because he doesn’t trust himself to speak at full volume right now. He presses kisses to Taehyung’s ear, his temple, his jaw, and hopes it’s not too obvious that he’s shaking again.
Teahyung looks at him searchingly. “Do you have - ?”
And yes, by the grace of God Jeongguk does have lube and some condoms in his toiletry bag, not that he ever expected to be using them on this trip. He tries not to focus on the fact that he and Taehyung never used condoms back when they were together, and instead fishes them out hurriedly, kicking off his shorts and climbing into bed with Taehyung.
The image of Taehyung under him has to be one of Jeongguk’s favorites in the world, something about how trusting and pliant he looks, the way he arches up into Jeongguk’s touch. He thinks he sees the weight of this moment mirrored in Taehyung’s eyes, and for a second he gets lost there, in how long he’s wanted those eyes to be trained on him like this. Then Taehyung is reaching for him again, and Jeongguk gives his dick a few more pumps before uncapping the lube with trembling hands.
“Just - go slow,” Taehyung says quietly, bending and spreading his legs in a way that makes the bottom drop out from Jeongguk’s stomach. He bites his lip. “It’s been a while.”
Jeongguk feels faintly victorious at that, even as he wonders how long, how many guys there have been since him. He does his best to push those thoughts aside.
“‘Course,” he nods, dropping a kiss to the inside of Taehyung’s knee and giving his hip a squeeze. “Tell me if it’s too much.”
He doesn’t tease, just takes his time and does it well, allowing Taehyung time to adjust and murmuring encouragements as he goes. He’s always looked so fucking beautiful taking Jeongguk’s fingers, the way his hole stretches to accommodate him, body bending and mouth falling open. By the first finger, Jeongguk is fully hard again, and it seems increasingly likely that Jeongguk will blow his load before he even gets inside of him.
“Feel so good Tae,” Jeongguk manages to say once he’s worked a second finger past Taehyung’s rim, drinking in the way his cheeks flush pink. He’s got his free hand running soothingly up and down Taehyung’s thigh, rubbing occasional circles into his hip. “You okay?”
“Y - yeah,” Taehyung replies breathlessly, squirming a little when Jeongguk scissors his fingers experimentally. “Keep going.”
With the third finger, Jeongguk is pretty certain he sees Jesus. Taehyung is so impossibly tight around him, body quivering with each brush of his prostate, cock leaking on his stomach. He’s started trying to fuck down on Jeongguk’s fingers, and once upon a time Jeongguk would have teased him for that, drawn it out until he had Taehyung begging for his dick. Right now, Jeongguk is way too far gone to even consider that.
“Tae,” he pants out, slowing the pace of his fingers in a way that makes Taehyung whimper. “Tae, ‘m gonna - are you - ?”
Taehyung nods frantically, squeezing his eyes shut. “Yes, Guk, fuck, please.”
Jeongguk scrambles to roll on the condom and slick himself up, his breathing ragged and choked off with emotion. His dick is aching, his heart is fucking aching, and he needs to get inside of Taehyung before he wakes up and realizes this had all been a dream. He pulls Taehyung closer, fingers against the warm skin of his hips, and lines himself up, pushing in slowly.
The feeling of being inside of him is so achingly familiar that Jeongguk nearly cries, pressing his face into the side of Taehyung’s neck in an effort to steady himself. Taehyung’s fingers tangle in his hair, the other hand stroking down his back, and even though he’s balls deep in Taehyung the act makes him feel strangely at ease.
“Guk,” Taehyung breathes, tugging lightly at the hair at the base of Jeongguk’s neck. “Look at me?”
“Sorry,” Jeongguk mumbles, pulling away from his neck and meeting his gaze. Taehyung reaches up and gently brushes his damp bangs back from his forehead. “I’m just - ”
I love you, is what he wants to say.
“I’ve really missed you,” is what he settles for instead.
Teahyung smiles, tugging him down for a kiss. “I’ve missed you too,” he whispers.
Jeongguk starts moving his hips then, thrusting into Taehyung slowly at first, feeling the way his kisses get progressively sloppier as he picks up the pace. He’s all over Jeongguk, licking at his neck, hands slipping down to his ass and gripping it unabashedly. Jeongguk’s head is spinning with it all, the feeling of Taehyung clenching around him, his smell inundating Jeongguk’s senses. He wants to be closer, wants to be deeper, always wants more, more, more when it comes to Taehyung.
He slides a hand up Taehyung’s thigh, hitching his leg higher in a way that makes them both groan at the new angle. Jeongguk wonders vaguely if they’re being loud enough for the others to hear, then finds that he doesn’t particularly care if they do.
“God, Jeongguk,” Taehyung gasps, fingers digging into Jeongguk’s biceps. Jeongguk has yet to figure out how to not shudder when he hears his name in that voice. “No one knows how to fuck me like you, Christ - ”
Jeongguk can’t stop his hips from stuttering at that, a low, practically primal noise ripping through his throat. “No one knows your body like me,” he growls, snapping forward particularly forcefully.
Taehyung hisses. “Can’t believe I’ve gone without this for six years, fuck.”
Jeongguk doesn’t really want to think about that right now, so he focuses all of his energy on fucking into Taehyung, reminding him just how good he can be, how good they are together. Because even if Jeongguk hadn’t said it out loud, the feeling goes both ways. No one’s ever brought him to his knees quite the way Taehyung does.
He kisses all over the flushed, heated skin of Taehyung’s chest, up his neck and along his jaw. Taehyung keeps trying to catch his mouth for a kiss and getting distracted halfway through, lips parting in some sort of noise that inevitably goes straight to Jeongguk’s dick. It’s difficult to believe he’s already come once tonight with how hard he is right now, cock throbbing with each thrust into the heat of Taehyung’s body. Still, he’s determined to make Taehyung come first this time, especially because he can feel how painfully hard he is, pre-cum slick against Jeongguk’s stomach.
As if reading his mind, Taehyung gasps out Jeongguk’s name right then, reaching blindly for his own cock and jerking it desperately. Jeongguk gently pries his hand off, feels a familiar zing of arousal at how Taehyung whimpers but doesn’t stop him, remembering how this game used to go. But he’s not trying to string Taehyung out right now, just wants to do it himself, do this for Taehyung. He quickly wraps his fist around Taehyung’s length, using his thumb to smear pre-cum down the sides, and swallows the relieved sigh that Taehyung exhales into his mouth.
“Thank you,” he stammers, arching into Jeongguk’s touch, and it takes every ounce of willpower in Jeongguk’s body not to come right then. “Just - like that, Guk, I’m so close, oh god - ”
His heels dig into the backs of Jeongguk’s thighs, body tensing around Jeongguk’s as he comes between their stomachs with a groan. Jeongguk slows down a little to let him ride it out, releasing his cock when Taehyung whines at the oversensitivity. He looks up at Jeongguk with unfocused eyes and kicks lightly at his thigh again.
“C’mon,” he says, voice wrecked. “Come inside of me.”
Jeongguk groans, rolling his hips forward and making some sort of embarrassing gurgling noise when Taehyung deliberately clenches around him. He thrusts into him a few more times, feeling the sticky mess between them with each slide, then comes with his face once again buried in Taehyung’s shoulder.
In the minutes that follow, the foremost thought in Jeongguk’s mind is that he never wants to be not touching Taehyung ever again. He smells so good and he feels so good and being sprawled over him like this Jeongguk feels at home, mostly. But his dick is also getting soft and there’s cum everywhere and Taehyung is starting to squirm beneath him, so alas, reality sets in.
With a hiss and a brush of his lips against Taehyung’s forehead, he pulls out, tying off the condom and tossing it into the waste basket next to the dresser. Too lazy to actually get out of bed, he locates one of the towels on the floor and uses it to wipe the cum off of their bodies, Taehyung wrinkling his nose and laughing when Jeongguk ultimately drops the dirty towel back on to the ground.
“I’m sure the owners of the house will appreciate that,” Taehyung snorts, as if they haven’t done far worse in the past.
“Shut up, I’m too tired to move,” Jeongguk retorts, flicking his arm. They’re lying side by side now, and the reality of what had just happened is starting to settle in Jeongguk’s sleep-hazed mind.
“We should really shower,” Taehyung points out halfheartedly. Even as he says it, he shuffles closer to Jeongguk, slinging one arm over his waist. Jeongguk’s heart gives a thump of approval - he wants Taehyung to stay right here.
“Mm,” he replies, eyes drifting shut. One corner of his mind is in overdrive, trying to figure out what this means for him and Taehyung, but sleep is pushing those thoughts further and further into background noise. “You sleeping here?”
Taehyung becomes very still. “Is that okay?”
Jeongguk nods, gripping Taehyung’s forearm where it’s draped over his stomach. “Want you to.”
His eyes are still closed, but he swears he can feel Taehyung smile. “‘Kay. Then I will.”
Jeongguk falls asleep easily knowing that at least for tonight, Taehyung’s not going anywhere.
***
When he wakes up the next morning, Jeongguk feels, above all, completely fucking disgusting. His skin and hair are stiff and tacky from the chlorine of the pool, there’s dried cum on his chest from the halfhearted clean-up job he did last night, and he knows he was sweaty when he passed out. The very bright upside of all of this is that it’s directly due to the fact that he had sex with Taehyung, who as a bonus is still asleep in Jeongguk’s bed.
But still, Jeongguk really needs a shower.
Not wanting to wake Taehyung, he slips out of his room quietly, shooting a thank you skyward when he finds the hallway and bathroom next to his room empty. It’s not necessarily that he doesn’t want the others to know what happened, but Jeongguk himself isn’t even really sure what’s happening, and he doesn’t feel like trying to explain it to the rest of them before he and Taehyung have a chance to talk.
The prospect of that conversation sits heavily in his stomach while he showers, rinsing away all the grime from last night. Jeongguk knows that he personally is incandescently happy about what happened, but he also knows he could have just dug himself into an even deeper hole. He doesn’t know where Taehyung stands, whether this is just a fun vacation fling for him. It hadn’t felt that way, but still - Jeongguk doesn’t want to assume anything when it comes to this.
He doesn’t even realize he’d been nervous about Taehyung sneaking out while he was in the shower until he returns to his room and feels a flood of relief at the sight of him still sprawled out in his bed. He doesn’t seem to have moved, but he’s awake now, and his features soften a little when he sees Jeongguk.
“Thought you ditched me,” he says lightly, and he’d probably get away with sounding nonchalant if Jeongguk didn’t know him so well.
Jeongguk shakes his head. He feels suddenly exposed with just a towel knotted low on his waist, which is kind of ridiculous given that he’d been very much naked with Taehyung for a good portion of last night.
“Just needed a shower.”
“God, same.” Taehyung scrunches up his nose in disgust. “Told you we should have showered last night.”
Jeongguk shrugs. “There was no way that was happening.”
“You’ve always been useless after sex,” Taehyung says, laughing when Jeongguk huffs indignantly.
“Yeah, and you’ve always been clingy as hell,” Jeongguk retorts.
Taehyung smiles cheekily at him. “Didn’t hear you complaining.”
It feels so natural, this banter back and forth, but Jeongguk’s nagging doubts are making it difficult for him to fully slip into it. “Tae - ”
“I know you’re freaking out,” Taehyung cuts him off. Jeongguk doesn’t even bother trying to deny it - Taehyung can read him too well. “So am I, kind of. But can we just - can we just try to enjoy this week together? Real life will still be there for us to figure out when it’s over.”
And even though Jeongguk knows this is irresponsible and could very easily end with him getting hurt again, Taehyung’s proposition sounds a lot more appealing than having a complicated and likely painful conversation. He’s wanted this for too long to not let himself enjoy it, at least for a little while. So he pushes his better judgment aside and says:
“Okay.”
Taehyung beams at him. “Good answer, because you look fucking edible right now.”
Jeongguk flushes, following the way Taehyung’s eyes track hungrily down his torso. His stomach does a backflip when he realizes he’s got a whole week of this ahead of him.
“Back off, I literally just showered and you’re still gross.”
Taehyung gapes at him, affronted. “Wow. Wow. Ice fucking cold. See if I ever suck your dick again.”
Jeongguk snorts, rolling his eyes, but mostly he’s just trying to figure out how he and Taehyung got back to a place where they can casually joke about giving each other blow jobs.
“I’ll suck your dick if you take a fucking shower.”
Taehyung perks up considerably at this. “Deal,” he says, leaping out of bed, still fully naked.
Jeongguk laughs, shaking his head as Taehyung flashes him one of his trademark box grins. Just before he makes it to the door, Jeongguk catches his wrist, feeling bold. Taehyung turns to look at him expectantly, and before Jeongguk can talk himself out of it, he leans in to kiss him, gently at first, then a little deeper. Deep enough that they’re both slightly breathless when they break apart.
“Good morning,” he says when Taehyung blinks at him in surprise.
“Good morning indeed,” Taehyung replies, the corners of his mouth tugging up. He turns and reaches for the door knob, looking over his shoulder at Jeongguk. “Still owe me that blow job, though,” he says, before disappearing out into the hallway.
By the time they make it downstairs (about ten minutes apart, to avoid drawing any unwanted attention), most of the other members are awake, either making breakfast or sitting out on the patio sipping coffee. They had discussed going on a hike today, and since the weather seems pleasant and not too hot, they pile into their rented van and set off for the nearest hiking trail. Jeongguk’s not sure how he does it, but Taehyung manages to squeeze in right next to him, their thighs pressed together in a way he knows has to be intentional. It makes Jeongguk more pleased than he cares to admit, as does the wink Taehyung shoots him when Jeongguk glances over.
The hike is beautiful without being too taxing, and they have the trail mostly to themselves. They stop a lot to admire the scenery and take pictures, and at one point Jeongguk finds himself a little ways behind the rest of the group, walking side by side with Yoongi. He’s always thought summer clothes made Yoongi look especially young, something about the pale, skinny limbs poking out of short sleeves and shorts. As someone who cares about his personal wellbeing, he keeps this thought to himself.
“So,” Yoongi says, after a few minutes of walking in silence. “I’m pretty sure Taehyung didn’t come back to our room last night.”
Jeongguk is grateful they’re walking side by side, so that Yoongi can’t see the expression on his face before he schools it into something more neutral. “Oh?”
Yoongi snorts, and really, Jeongguk should have known better than to try to bullshit him. “Strangest thing, when I went to bed last night he was with you, and when I woke up this morning he was nowhere to be seen.”
“Bizarre,” Jeongguk says, unable to fully suppress a smile. When he glances sideways, he sees Yoongi grinning as well. “Wonder what he was doing.”
“More like who.”
Jeongguk nearly drops his camera. “Hyung!”
Yoongi rolls his eyes. “There’s a hickey on your neck and the two of you have been smiling like a pair of idiots all morning,” he says flatly. “Doesn’t take a genius to guess at what happened.”
Jeongguk raises a hand to his neck - he knew Taehyung had left a mark, but he was hoping he could pass it off as a sunburn, or something.
“Relax, no one’s gonna bring it up unless you guys do first.”
Jeongguk lets out a sigh of relief at that. It’s kind of nice to have the hyungs know, but he’s glad there doesn’t have to be some dramatic confrontation about it. He can imagine Hoseok and possibly Seokjin crying if it came to that.
“Thanks, hyung.”
“It’s a good thing, right?” Yoongi asks cautiously. “You feel good about it?”
“I - yeah,” Jeongguk says quietly. “I mean. I hope so.”
Yoongi nods understandingly. This has always been one of Jeongguk’s favorite things about him, how he seems to just get it without Jeongguk having to say too much.
“I hope so too,” he says, and they go back to walking in silence after that, catching up to the others not long after.
The rest of the day passes happily - they find a spring and go swimming, the cool water a refreshing break after working up a sweat on their hike. Taehyung keeps grabbing Jeongguk’s ass under the water; Jeongguk pretends to be annoyed until he catches Taehyung’s hand and tangles their fingers together, determinedly avoiding his gaze. That night, they go out for dinner and end up getting just this side of tipsy at the town’s only bar, taking command of the jukebox and dancing with the locals. Hoseok, Jimin, and Taehyung win the hearts of a group of middle aged women enjoying a girls’ night out, and Jeongguk stands by the bar and pretends he’s not jealous until Taehyung detaches himself from the group and shimmies his way right into Jeongguk’s personal space.
“Dance with me!” Taehyung says, smiley and a little buzzed. He grabs Jeongguk’s hands and tugs lightly.
“Looks like you have some more than willing partners over there,” Jeongguk teases, lifting his chin in the direction of the women.
He’s not jealous. He’s not.
“Rather dance with you,” Taehyung insists, releasing Jeongguk’s hands and grabbing his waist instead.
Jeongguk glances around, very conscious that they’re in public, even though no one in this town seems to care who they are. (With the possible exception of the group of ladies now swooning over Hoseok and Jimin’s dance moves.)
“Tae - ”
Taehyung cuts him off. “We’re supposed to be enjoying this week, remember?” Jeongguk sighs, nodding. “C’mon.”
So he relents, allowing Taehyung to tug him out to the middle of the floor, where they take turns twirling each other around and laugh until there are tears in their eyes. Jeongguk’s heart swells more and more with each passing moment, giddy with the feeling of Taehyung in his arms or pressed against his chest. When they get home later that night, Taehyung holds him back with a hand around his wrist, kissing Jeongguk up against the side of the house once the others have filed inside.
The conversation with Yoongi comes up later that night, when they’re lying in Jeongguk’s bed post-sex, too spent to move but too riled up to sleep. Taehyung is sprawled out on his stomach, chin propped on Jeongguk’s chest, the curve of his ass on glorious display. Jeongguk can’t decide if he wants to reach out and touch it or keep running his fingers through Taehyung’s hair.
“I wonder if Yoongi hyung has even noticed I’m not in our room,” Taehyung muses.
“He did,” Jeongguk says, suddenly remembering. He had meant to bring it up to Taehyung but then got distracted by his - well, everything. “He kind of called me out on the hike.”
Taehyung’s eyebrows shoot up, and he works himself up to his elbows. “Seriously? What did he say?”
Jeongguk shrugs. “That he left us alone last night and then this morning you mysteriously weren’t in your bed.” He flushes a little at the memory of why, even though they’re literally naked in bed right now. “Basically, that we’re being obvious.”
Taehyung snorts. “Guess I should give him more credit.” He brushes a thumb over Jeongguk’s nipple, more familiar than anything else. “What did you say back?”
“I neither confirmed nor denied.”
This earns him a full laugh. “How classy and mysterious of you.”
“I try.”
“Was it okay, though?” Taehyung asks, more seriously this time. He turns his face so that his cheek rests on Jeongguk’s chest, just below his heart. “Like - talking about it?”
“Yeah,” Jeongguk replies, fingers tracing the shell of Taehyung’s ear. “It was kind of nice, honestly. Not having to lie.”
Taehyung offers him a soft smile, but Jeongguk senses they can both feel the sadness behind it. The past two days have been incredible, but there’s so much that’s being left unsaid, so much history and pain. Jeongguk tries not to get distracted by thoughts of what this is all going to mean when the week is over.
“Maybe we should make out in front of them,” Taehyung suggests, effectively lightening the mood. “Bet that would freak them out.”
“I dunno, Hobi and Jin hyung got pretty excited when - ” Jeongguk realizes what he’s saying and cuts himself off abruptly.
Taehyung lifts his head, leveling him with a questioning gaze. “When...?”
Jeongguk clears his throat, suddenly uncomfortable. It’s not something he likes to think about, and he hates himself for bringing it up. “When, umm. Your kiss with Seoyun. On the show.”
There’s an awkward pause, and then:
“Oh.”
Taehyung looks uncomfortable and vaguely guilty, and Jeongguk berates himself for ruining what had up until this point been a blissful and completely relaxed night. Then another thought occurs to him, making him feel even worse than before.
“Are you still - ” he pauses, avoiding Taehyung’s gaze. He knows it’s not really his business, but then again, he’s just realized he doesn’t even know for sure if Taehyung is officially single right now. “I mean, are you and Seoyun - ”
“No,” Taehyung interrupts, sparing Jeongguk from embarrassing himself further. He breathes out a sigh of relief and thinks he’s happier than he probably should be about this news. “Not for a long time. We weren’t - it was never really a thing.” Jeongguk dares to glance up at him and Taehyung continues. “I’m not with anyone right now.”
Jeongguk nods, heart swelling in his chest. He’d spent far too many nights agonizing over the thought of Taehyung with Seoyun, and the knowledge that it never really amounted to anything feels like a huge weight off of his chest.
When he registers that Taehyung is still staring at him, expression uncertain, he hurries to reply: “Me neither.” The way Taehyung’s entire face relaxes makes Jeongguk feel like he’s on top of the world.
He clambers into Jeongguk’s lap, knees astride his hips, arms circling his neck. Jeongguk’s hands settle on his waist and he revels in the familiar weight of him, the smooth warmth of his skin. He doesn’t think he could ever get sick off this.
“I’m really glad I’m here with you, Guk,” Taehyung whispers, pressing his lips to Jeongguk’s so that half the sentence gets lost against his mouth.
Jeongguk understands anyway.
***
Waking up next to a naked Taehyung two mornings in a row has to be among the top ten best experiences of Jeongguk’s life. Even when they were together, they rarely got to do this, and Jeongguk remembers always feeling like it was a special treat when they did. To have it again feels like a dream out of someone else’s life.
In light of Jeongguk’s conversation with Yoongi, they don’t bother with being particularly discreet this morning, emerging from Jeongguk’s room together and only separating so that Taehyung can change into some clean clothes. They don’t actually make out in front of the hyungs, but they are more affectionate than they might usually be, enough for a few raised eyebrows and suppressed smiles to be aimed their way. The attention makes Jeongguk flush with shyness, but it’s not unpleasant. He knows they’re all just happy to see him and Taehyung like this.
After a lazy morning, he goes into town with Taehyung, Jimin, and Seokjin to have lunch and pick up groceries for tonight’s dinner. Taehyung clings to his back as they wander through the grocery store, trying to sneak random foods that they don’t need into the shopping cart when he thinks Seokjin isn’t looking. It feels oddly domestic, like a glimpse into what their lives could be in a parallel universe, where all the complications associated with being an idol didn’t exist. Then again, if they’d never become idols, Jeongguk likely would have never met Taehyung in the first place.
They pass the afternoon in the pool, engaging in a chicken rematch that Jeongguk and Taehyung ultimately lose because Jeongguk’s hand keeps creeping a little too high on Taehyung’s thigh. He decides it’s worth the loss when it earns him a flustered Taehyung squirming on his shoulders and practically dragging him out of the pool when they disperse to get ready for dinner. They even manage to sneak into the shower together, but that gets cut short when Seokjin bangs on the door and threatens them with no dinner if they use up all the hot water.
He and Taehyung volunteer to do the dishes, which ends up taking far longer than it should because they keep splashing each other with water while Seokjin sighs loudly from somewhere behind them. By the time they finally finish, the others are settling into the living room to watch a movie. Taehyung drops down on to an empty corner of the couch, and Jeongguk, after a moment’s hesitation, lies down next to him, resting his head on Taehyung’s thigh and kicking his feet into Jimin’s lap without asking.
Jimin makes a noise of complaint, but Jeongguk is too distracted by the way Taehyung is looking down at him, his expression surprised but undeniably fond. It makes something warm flare in Jeongguk’s chest, and the feeling only deepens when Taehyung gently threads his fingers through Jeongguk’s hair.
They end up watching some dumb comedy, and Jeongguk probably registers about 15% of it because Taehyung doesn’t stop touching him the entire time. It’s nothing suggestive, just hands in his hair or tracing the lines of his face, but Jeongguk is a weak man and any touch from Taehyung has him melting. By the end of the movie, he feels pliant and mellow, not to mention decidedly ready to get Taehyung somewhere alone.
They bid the others a sleepy goodnight and traipse upstairs, Taehyung following Jeongguk into his room without them even discussing it. As soon as the door closes behind them, Taehyung starts kissing the back of his neck, hands sneaking up under Jeongguk’s T-shirt. It’s the same light, adoring touches as before, and they’re making Jeongguk burn in a way he hasn’t for a very long time.
“Your body is unfair,” Taehyung murmurs, lips brushing just behind Jeongguk’s ear. His thumb traces the outline of Jeongguk’s abs, and Jeongguk tries not to shiver too noticeably.
Jeongguk spins in his arms, kissing Taehyung before he can say anything that will make him blush even harder. “Could say the same thing about you,” he breathes, palms stroking down Taehyung’s sides. They’re both still fully clothed, but he’s not in a particular rush tonight.
Taehyung shakes his head, tugging at the hem of Jeongguk’s shirt until he takes the hint and lifts his arms over his head so that Taehyung can pull it off. “S’different,” Taehyung insists, biting his lip as his hands travel over Jeongguk’s upper arms and around to his back. “You’re so strong.”
His gaze is so intense that Jeongguk doesn’t even bother to protest, just lets himself get lost in the way Taehyung is touching him. He spends so much time feeling mesmerized by Taehyung that he sometimes forgets the feeling is, at least on some level, reciprocated. Being reminded of it so explicitly sets giant butterflies swooping through his stomach.
Taehyung’s grip slips down his back to the waistband of his gym shorts, pushing them down so that he can get his hands on Jeongguk’s ass. On the whole, he’s bigger than Taehyung, but Taehyung’s hands are fucking massive and sometimes thinking about that fact makes Jeongguk a little dizzy. Especially when said hands are splayed across his bare ass, just barely grazing over the cleft.
Jeongguk shudders, kissing Taehyung hungrily, tongue pressing past his teeth. He walks them backwards across the room, dropping on to the bed when the backs of his knees hit the mattress and pulling Taehyung over him. Taehyung comes easily, yanking off his own shirt and settling between Jeongguk’s legs.
Taehyung maps a path down his torso with his mouth, Jeongguk’s cock growing stiffer with each swipe of his tongue. When Taehyung reaches his shorts, Jeongguk lifts his hips immediately, flushing at the cheeky smile Taehyung shoots him as he drags them off. His heartbeat is an erratic mess in his chest at the way Taehyung’s hands slide up the backs of his thighs, pressing until his legs are bent at the knee.
A part of him hates being exposed like this, even with Taehyung, and he blushes so hard he can feel his cheeks burning. But there’s a heat curling down his spine that he can’t ignore, and he thinks Taehyung knows it too. Leave it to Taehyung to be able to read what Jeongguk’s body wants before Jeongguk himself even realizes it.
Taehyung moves slowly, starting at Jeongguk’s knee and kissing down his inner thigh, lips warm against the tender skin. Jeongguk thinks he’s probably trying to give him an out, if he wants it, but now that he’s here Jeongguk can’t imagine taking it. Taehyung’s mouth drops lower, tongue trailing along the crease where his ass meets his thigh, and Jeongguk clenches his fists, forcing himself not to squirm too much. Even still, he can’t stop the way his hips jump when Taehyung bites lightly at the lower swell of his ass, thumb brushing tentatively over his hole.
“Jeonggukie,” Taehyung murmurs from between his legs, making Jeongguk shudder when his breath hits him right there. Jeongguk forces himself to get on his elbows and meet Taehyung’s gaze, even though his face is still flaming. “You good?”
Jeongguk is better than good, he’s fucking excellent, but he’s also freaking out just a little bit and he assumes Taehyung can tell. It had taken them a while to work up to this when they were together, and the reality is he hasn’t felt comfortable enough with anyone else to try it since then. So yeah, he’s freaking out, even if he also wants it so bad he can hardly see straight.
“‘M good,” he stammers out, resisting the urge to close his legs. Taehyung hums, ducking his head and darting his tongue out to tease at Jeongguk’s rim. It’s so quick that Jeongguk barely has time to choke back a gasp before Taehyung is looking up at him again, one skeptical eyebrow quirked.
“You sure?” he prods. He folds a palm around the front of Jeongguk’s thigh. “We can do something else, I just remembered you used to really like - ”
“I do,” Jeongguk cuts him off. You could probably fry a fucking egg on his face right now. But this is Taehyung, who he trusts and loves and who would never judge him, especially not for something like this. “I just - umm. Haven’t?” He swallows, voice dropping to barely a whisper. “Since you, I mean.”
“Oh.” Taehyung’s eyes widen and his lips form a perfect circle, but then he’s breaking into a sly grin. “I’m honored.”
“Shut up,” Jeongguk grumbles, but he can’t help smiling a little too.
Taehyung smirks at him, eyes positively twinkling with mischief. “Oh? Got any better ideas of what I could be doing with my mouth?” He pokes his tongue out, running it along the corner of his mouth. Jeongguk is fucking done for.
“Tae,” he whines.
“Seriously though, this is so fucking hot,” Taehyung continues, casually brushing his knuckles over Jeongguk’s hole. Jeongguk flinches and he swears he sees Taehyung’s gaze darken. “Gonna make you fall apart.”
Jeongguk groans, squeezing his eyes shut. “Taehyung.”
Taehyung beams, sliding down the bed to settle his face directly between Jeongguk’s legs. His hands curve around Jeongguk’s ass, holding him spread. “Don’t be quiet.”
That’s all the warning Jeongguk gets before Taehyung’s tongue is pressing flat against his hole, and even if Jeongguk wanted to stay quiet he doesn’t think he’d be able to. He yelps, cock twitching at the sensation, and fuck, he’d forgotten just how mind-numbingly good this feels. Taehyung keeps licking him like that, once, twice, three times, and it’s so fucking filthy but fuck, Jeongguk is probably going to die before this is over.
“You’re so fucking sexy like this,” Taehyung rasps out, breath ghosting hotly over Jeongguk’s damp hole. Jeongguk whimpers in response, fingers curling in the bed sheets as Taehyung starts leaving these little, sucking kisses around his rim.
Being eaten out has always felt like too much and not enough at the same time, gets him sensitive and riled up faster than almost anything else. It doesn’t help that Taehyung uses his tongue like a goddamn demon, working it around and over his hole in a way that’s positively sinful. His hands are still splayed out over Jeongguk’s ass cheeks, fingers digging in and holding him in place so he can’t squirm away.
It’s so fucking hot, Jeongguk is definitely going to die.
“Oh my god,” Jeongguk moans, flinging an arm over his face when Taehyung manages to press his tongue past the rim and fully inside of him. He swears he feels Taehyung fucking smile against his ass.
“Still good?” Taehyung asks, pulling back. His lips are spit-slick and shiny, and he somehow manages to look just as aroused as Jeongguk feels.
Jeongguk nods furiously, desperate to have Taehyung’s mouth back on him. “Please don’t stop.”
“Wouldn’t dream of it, babe,” Taehyung assures him, pressing a kiss to Jeongguk’s hole. Somewhere in his lust-hazed mind, Jeongguk registers the use of the old pet name. “Gonna add fingers, if that’s okay?”
Has Jeongguk mentioned he’s going to die?
“Yeah, fuck,” he says, breathless.
Taehyung nods, nails grazing up Jeongguk’s thigh as he retrieves the lube from the bedside table. Jeongguk’s breathing is ragged while he watches him coat his fingers, body trembling with anticipation. He fingers himself every now and then, but it’s not the same - Taehyung’s fingers are so long and elegant, and Jeongguk has always had a very specific weakness for having them inside of him.
He hisses at the first press against his hole, the sensation always a little foreign at first. Taehyung pauses, looking up at him for reassurance, and Jeongguk just nods, urging him on.
“Tell me if it hurts,” Taehyung says seriously, nudging past the ring of muscle.
It does sting at first, because it’s been a long fucking time, but Taehyung goes slowly, taking his time and gradually working his tongue back in. Jeongguk is a wreck, body jolting with each brush over his prostate, his train of thought becoming increasingly incoherent. It never feels quite like this when he does it himself, and the combination of tongue and fingers working him open has his cock hard and leaking on his stomach.
“Fuck,” he groans, wrapping a shaky hand around himself. “Tae, I’m close, I’m - fuck - ”
Taehyung pulls back again, three fingers still working inside of him. His eyes are glazed over, cheeks flushed pink, and when he meets Jeongguk’s gaze he breathes in sharply, hips rutting down against the bed.
“What do you want?” he asks, voice so deep Jeongguk could probably drown in it.
“I - oh,” Jeongguk stammers, cutting himself off when Taehyung crooks a finger against his prostate.
“Want me to fuck you?”
Jeongguk whimpers, squeezing his eyes shut. “Fuck, yes.”
Taehyung climbs up his body, kissing him frantically, sloppily. “Can’t believe how fucking gorgeous you are,” he murmurs, and Jeongguk flushes, tugging at his hips impatiently.
“How?” he pants out, palming Taehyung’s cock through his shorts and enjoying the way his body jerks forward. He’s going to need those to come off immediately.
“On your side?” Taehyung suggests, licking at his jaw.
Jeongguk nods eagerly, rolling on to his side as Taehyung hurriedly shucks off his shorts. He crowds up against Jeongguk’s back, hips stuttering as his cock presses against Jeongguk’s ass.
“‘M gonna last like thirty seconds,” he jokes, breathless, and Jeongguk chokes on a laugh.
“I’ll last thirty one,” he teases, and Taehyung snorts, biting at his shoulder as he nudges the head of his cock against Jeongguk’s hole.
“Show-off.”
Their conversation gives way to groans as Taehyung eases inside of him, peppering kisses along Jeongguk’s shoulders and the back of his neck as he adjusts to the stretch. He hasn’t had a dick inside of him since he last had Taehyung’s dick inside of him, but Taehyung is a reassuring presence behind him, stroking over his hip and stomach. Once he’s pushed all the way in, he holds himself still, face pressed in between Jeongguk’s shoulder blades until Jeongguk tells him to move.
And this is why Jeongguk’s only ever let Taehyung fuck him, because Taehyung is patient and gentle and knows exactly how to handle him at his most vulnerable.
He hitches Jeongguk’s leg up over his own, grinding into him slowly, languidly. Jeongguk can feel the tension in his body, the way he’s still holding himself back, and it makes him crane over his shoulder to meet Taehyung for a kiss.
“You can go faster, Tae,” he urges, soaking in the helpless noise Taehyung makes, fingers digging harder into his hip. Jeongguk rolls back against him encouragingly, reaching behind himself to twist his fingers in Taehyung’s hair.
They work up to a faster rhythm quickly, bodies damp as they tangle together. Jeongguk honestly can’t believe he hasn’t come yet, but when Taehyung wraps a hand around his cock, he knows he’s a goner. He jerks him sloppily, erratically, but it doesn’t matter, not with the way he’s murmuring filth into his ear and driving his cock against Jeongguk’s prostate.
“So fucking tight, Guk,” he babbles, thumb swiping over the head of his cock. “Could fuck you forever - ”
Jeongguk makes a garbled noise, back arching as he spills across Taehyung’s fist. His head spins with the word “forever,” clutching on to Taehyung’s hand as he follows Jeongguk over the edge soon after.
Taehyung pulls out slowly and tosses away the condom, molding himself to Jeongguk’s back as soon as he returns to the bed. Jeongguk relaxes into the embrace, still a little shell-shocked from everything that had happened. He can’t believe how much sex they’ve had in the past three days, how electrifying it’s been every time. It scares him to think that in another three days, they’ll be saying goodbye, going back to their own separate lives. He doesn’t know how he can have a life separate from Taehyung after this.
But it’s difficult to worry about that when Taehyung is snuggling against his back, fluffing his hair and slipping a leg between Jeongguk’s. It’s a problem for Jeongguk to deal with three days from now, he decides, wrapping Taehyung’s arm more firmly around his waist.
***
The next night finds Jeongguk and Taehyung out on the beach with a blanket and a bottle of wine between them. They’d dipped out without giving much of an excuse, and the others had been kind enough not to question it, which Jeongguk is deeply grateful for. This whole situation is complicated enough without having to explain himself to everyone else.
They’re lying on their backs, passing the bottle back and forth and making up names for the constellations that they see. The moon hangs low in the sky, turning the beach ghostly white and glancing off the waves that lap against the shore.
“I call that one, ‘Taehyung is so handsome,’” Taehyung says, gesturing vaguely at one collection of stars.
Jeongguk snorts, kicking his shin. “Original.”
“That’s me.”
It is him, is the thing.
“Fine, then I’m naming the one next to it ‘Jeongguk has nice thighs.’”
Taehyung hums appreciatively. “Ain’t that the truth.”
Jeongguk flushes. He’d woken up this morning to Taehyung riding his thigh, and it’s not a memory he’ll soon forget.
“Can I tell you a secret?” Taehyung says.
“Always.”
Jeongguk turns to look at him, but Taehyung keeps his face tilted up towards the stars. He looks ethereal like this, hair falling over his forehead, skin bathed in moonlight.
“I’ve been thinking about moving home.”
Jeongguk’s heart stops in his chest.
“My contract for the show was only for two seasons, and I haven’t signed for a third yet,” Taehyung continues, still staring at the sky. “I was hoping to get that movie, but I still haven’t heard anything so it looks like it’s not going to work out.”
“Oh,” Jeongguk manages to croak out. “I’m sorry.”
Taehyung shrugs. “It’s okay. I mean, I really wanted the movie, but - there’s other stuff I want too.”
Jeongguk’s breath feels stuck in his throat. This is what he wants, more than anything. “Do you miss Korea?”
It feels like a safer question than Am I what you want?
Taehyung nods, finally turning to face him. “I miss it a lot. I miss music, my family, you - ” he pauses, biting his lip. “I mean, all of you.”
“Move back, then,” Jeongguk says, fighting to keep his voice even. He knows it has to be Taehyung’s choice, but fuck, it changes everything if he comes back. “I mean - if it’s what you want.”
Taehyung rolls up on one elbow, observing him carefully. His gaze is so intense that Jeongguk almost has to look away. “Do you want me to move back?”
I never wanted you to leave.
It’s on the tip of Jeongguk’s tongue, but somehow, he can’t quite bring himself to lay it out that bluntly. Instead, he sighs. “I want you to do what will make you happy, Tae.”
Taehyung’s expression is difficult to decipher, but he hums, nodding. “You know what would make me really happy?” he says, leaning closer.
“What?” Jeongguk asks, suddenly breathless.
“Skinny dipping.”
Jeongguk raises his eyebrows, huffing out a surprised laugh, and Taehyung grins back at him cheekily. The tension of the previous moment subsides, leaving Jeongguk partially relieved, partially disappointed.
“Now?”
“Duh.”
He sits up, stripping off his shirt. “You’re on.”
They leave a trail of clothing behind them as they race down to the shore, gasping and giggling as the cool water hits their bare skin. Taehyung latches on to him almost immediately, and they tumble underwater, splashing each other and play fighting. Eventually, it devolves into more than that, Taehyung wrapping his legs around Jeongguk’s waist as they kiss under the stars, the water up to their shoulders.
“I love this place,” Taehyung murmurs, his lips salty against Jeongguk’s. “I wish we could just stay here forever.”
“Me too,” Jeongguk says quietly, palm stroking over the wet hair at the back of Taehyung’s head. It’s getting harder and harder to forget that their time here is coming to a close, but their conversation tonight had given him a flicker of hope. “We’ll come back.”
Taehyung nods in fervent agreement, kissing him again.
They make love on the beach that night, and it feels different this time, more intense somehow. Every night they’ve spent together has been meaningful to Jeongguk, but there seems to be another level to it now, an acknowledgement that maybe this doesn’t have to end when the vacation does. It makes him cling to Taehyung more tightly, makes his heart beat dangerously fast when Taehyung repeats his name over and over again. For the first time since this began, Jeongguk allows himself to feel hopeful.
***
Their last day is spent lazily, lounging around the house and by the pool as they all put off packing. Jeongguk finds that he can’t stop touching Taehyung, even with all the others around, as if he needs a constant reminder that Taehyung is actually real. The possibility of Taehyung coming back to Korea hasn’t come up again, but every time Jeongguk thinks about it (which is pretty much constantly), his stomach explodes with butterflies.
Just after lunchtime, Taehyung’s phone starts vibrating with a call, and he extracts himself from Jeongguk’s side, muttering something about work. He wanders into the next room, not far enough to be out of earshot, and the six of them glance around at each other before giving up any pretense of pretending not to eavesdrop.
“Seriously?” they hear Taehyung saying. He sounds surprised. “When?” There’s a pause, presumably while the person on the other end of the line is speaking, and then he continues. “Yeah, no, I am, of course I am. I just - I wasn’t expecting this.” Another pause. “Okay, yeah, I will. I’ll be back in LA tomorrow, we can talk then.” Jeongguk’s stomach clenches. “Thanks, Kev.”
He reappears in the doorway a moment later, frowning when he finds the six of them staring back at him. “I’m guessing you heard all of that?” he asks.
Namjoon, at least, has the decency to look guilty. The rest of them just shrug and nod.
“What happened?” Jimin asks.
Taehyung glances over at the Jeongguk before looking back to Jimin. “I got offered the part in that movie I told you guys about.”
Jeongguk feels his heart drop out of his chest.
“The one you really wanted?” Jimin prompts.
Taehyung nods, gaze flicking to Jeongguk again, who is doing his best to keep his expression neutral. The energy in the room feels tense, and Jeongguk can sense more than one pair of eyes on him. “Yeah. I guess there were some other casting holdups, that’s why it took so long for me to hear.”
“That’s amazing, Tae,” Namjoon says kindly. “Congratulations.”
The others chorus their congratulations as well, Jeongguk’s voice sounding like a croak in his own ears. Taehyung keeps looking at him, his face anxious, and Jeongguk has no idea how to react.
“Are you going to take it?” Jimin asks cautiously. Jeongguk is grateful that he didn’t have to be the one to ask the question, but he still feels like he’s going to vomit as he waits for Taehyung’s answer.
“I’m not sure,” Taehyung replies, rubbing his forehead. “I wasn’t planning for this, I - I have to think about it.”
“Well, regardless - you should be really proud,” Namjoon says, and the others nod in agreement.
Taehyung give him a weak smile. “Thanks, hyung.”
The rest of the afternoon passes in a fog. The atmosphere in the house is more subdued with the knowledge that they have to leave the next day, but all Jeongguk can think about is Taehyung and whether he’s going to take this part. He feels selfish, because he knows how badly Taehyung had wanted this movie, but he also knows that if he takes it there’s no chance he’s moving back to Korea any time soon. The filming will take place in America, and then there’s the inevitable promotion and press tours that will follow.
He can sense Taehyung trying to get his attention, but he does his best to avoid it, afraid he’ll completely break down if he has to talk about this just yet. Like a fool, he’d gotten his hopes up, thinking they might actually have a chance after this, and he doesn’t think he can stand to see the look on Taehyung’s face when he lets him down easy. He doesn’t know how he’s supposed to handle this, doesn’t know the right course of action when supporting Taehyung means breaking his own heart. Again.
Taehyung eventually corners him in his room when he goes upstairs to shower before dinner. He’d tried to slip away discreetly, but it doesn’t really come as a surprise when he looks up from rifling through his suitcase and finds Taehyung hovering just outside his door.
“Can we talk?” he asks, not giving Jeongguk much a choice when he steps inside and closes the door behind him.
Jeongguk sighs, nodding. “What’s up?” he says stupidly, hating how stiff his voice sounds.
“About the part,” Taehyung replies, even though it’s obvious to both of them. He looks deeply uncomfortable, fidgeting and shifting back and forth on his feet. Jeongguk notices they’re bare and feels a painfully familiar pang of fondness. “I haven’t accepted it yet, I wanted to talk to you first.”
“You should take it,” Jeongguk croaks out, even though the words are like a knife in his stomach. Taehyung’s face falls. “You really wanted it, right?”
“I mean, yeah,” Taehyung admits. “But I also - ”
“Don’t,” Jeongguk interrupts him, voice harsher than he’d intended. Taehyung’s mouth snaps shut. “Please, don’t make it harder.”
“I don’t want to leave you,” Taehyung whispers anyway.
“Why?” Jeongguk asks, something bitter curling in his chest. What right does Taehyung have to say that, when all he’s ever done is swoop into Jeongguk’s life and then leave him behind? “You’ve done it before.”
Taehyung’s eyes widen, his expression hardening. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You’re the one that ended things,” Jeongguk says, feeling his self-control slip away. Everything he’s been holding inside this past week, these past years, is suddenly bubbling up to the surface. “You’re the one who moved to LA. And I’m the fucking idiot who keeps waiting around in spite of all that, apparently.”
“You’re the one who pushed me away, Jeongguk!” Taehyung shouts, his temper rising quickly. “You’re the reason we barely spoke for four years! I may have ended it, but you made us strangers!”
“Because you broke my fucking heart!” Jeongguk yells back, not caring now if the others can hear them. He’s too angry, too devastated.
Taehyung stares at him, chest heaving with emotion. “My heart was broken too, Jeongguk.”
“Could have fooled me,” Jeongguk snaps, and Taehyung flinches.
“Fine,” Taehyung says. “Fine. I will take the part, then. I’m sure it doesn’t matter to you anyway, since I’m such a horrible person.”
“What are you getting so mad for?” Jeongguk spits out. He’s trembling now, his heart a wrecked, bloody mess in his chest. He can’t believe this is happening again, doesn’t understand how things got so bad so quickly. “You’re getting what you want!”
Taehyung shakes his head, scoffing at him. “None of this is what I want,” he hisses.
“Well then, I guess we’re both just fucked,” Jeongguk says, grabbing his towel. He needs to get the fuck away from Taehyung before he completely fucking loses it. “Are we done? I need to shower.”
The words are cold, his voice even colder, and Jeongguk feels guilty at the way Taehyung winces. “Yeah, I’d say we’re definitely fucking done,” Taehyung snaps, ripping the door open and backing into the hallway. In spite of everything, Jeongguk’s heart cracks further at the implication of his words. “So sorry for being such a waste of your time.”
He storms into the room he had shared with Yoongi, slamming the door so hard behind him that the walls of the house seem to shake. At the end of the hall, Jeongguk sees Jimin watching them, wide, sad eyes flicking between Jeongguk and the door that had just shut behind Taehyung. He takes a step forward, but Jeongguk just turns on his heel and locks himself in the bathroom. Finally alone, he stands in the shower and sobs until the hot water turns his skin red.
***
Jeongguk doesn’t come downstairs for the rest of the night. After his shower, he locks the door to his room and lies in his bed, staring blankly out the window as the late afternoon light fades to dusk and then darkness. He ignores the gentle knocks on his door, Seokjin’s voice telling him dinner is ready, Namjoon asking if he wants to talk. He ignores the way his whole fucking bed smells like Taehyung, the guilt that creeps into his stomach as he thinks about what he’d said and how hurt Taehyung had looked. None of it changes the fact that he’s lost Taehyung again, probably for good this time. Maybe he’d never really had him in the first place.
He hates himself for getting into this position again, for falling into Taehyung so easily even when he’d known there was a good chance it would end like this. They hadn’t promised each other anything, and yet Jeongguk had let his stupid fucking heart get away from him, entrusted it to the one person who had ripped it to shreds in the first place. He thinks back on their conversation the night before and feels disgusted at how hopeful he’d been, how eagerly he’d believed Taehyung might come back to him. It all seems like a sick joke now, the universe dangling what he wants most in the world right in front of him, only to rip it away right when he started thinking he could actually have it.
The night passes fitfully, Jeongguk drifting in and out of sleep, startling awake only to feel the nauseating weight of reality settle back over him. More than once, he keeps his eyes squeezed shut for a few extra seconds, clinging to the hope that it was all a nightmare, that Taehyung is really lying there next to him. It always ends the same, the crushing disappointment when he finally opens his eyes to the empty bed beside him, the hot tears leaking down his cheeks as he tries to force himself back to sleep.
He must fully pass out around five in the morning, because it’s his alarm that ultimately wakes him at nine. He shuts it off and lies in bed for a little while, staring at the ceiling with swollen eyes and wishing that the whole world would just go the fuck away. But it doesn’t, and Jeongguk has a life to deal with, so he drags himself out of bed and gets dressed, stuffing the remainder of his clothes into his suitcase. Then he steels himself and heads downstairs, not feeling particularly prepared to face the others but knowing he has to all the same. Some masochistic part of him wants to see Taehyung before he leaves, even though he knows it will hurt like hell, even though he knows they probably won’t speak to each other. He just wants a last glimpse before they say goodbye for who knows how long.
When he reaches the kitchen, it’s to find everyone but Taehyung, puttering around making coffee and pulling together breakfast from whatever food is left in the fridge. A hush falls over the room when he enters, and he ducks his head, knowing he looks like a wreck after crying so much last night.
There’s a reassuring hand on his shoulder, and then Namjoon is sliding a cup of coffee into his hands, murmuring “Morning, Guk. How are you?”
“Been better,” Jeongguk rasps out, forcing himself to look up at their expectant faces. He wonders if they hate him now for what he said to Taehyung. “Where’s - ” he trails off, suddenly unable to speak his name.
“He caught an earlier flight,” Jimin says quietly, sadly, like it pains him to say it out loud. “He said he had to get back.”
The words settle in and Jeongguk feels like he’s drowning, his last shred of hope evaporating as he realizes that not only is Taehyung going to leave him - he’s already left. It feels final in a way that shakes Jeongguk to his core.
He collapses into the nearest chair, setting the coffee down and burying his face in his hands. The others surround him immediately, Jimin stroking a soothing path up and down his back as his body shakes with a violent sob.
“I’m so sorry, Jeongguk-ah,” Jimin whispers, sounding close to tears himself. “What happened?”
Jeongguk lifts his head, pressing the heels of his palms against his eyes. “I don’t even know,” he says hoarsely. “We were talking about him taking the movie, and it just - escalated, I guess, into a fight about all the shit between us that we hadn’t been addressing.” He sighs, wincing when he pulls his hands away from his eyes. “God, fuck. This is so fucked up.”
“Don’t beat yourself up,” Hoseok says kindly. “There’s a lot of history there, it was bound to come up eventually.”
“I really thought we had a shot, after this week,” Jeongguk says bitterly. “I’m such a pathetic fucking idiot.”
“Hey, no you’re not,” Jimin soothes, squeezing his shoulder. “I’m sure you guys can work it out.”
Jeongguk snorts humorlessly. “Really? Because I don’t see him around anywhere.”
“You could call - ”
“He left, Jimin,” Jeongguk bursts out, more harshly than he had intended. “He left. Again. I think that speaks for itself, don’t you?”
“He was pretty torn up about it last night,” Yoongi says quietly, piping up from beside Hoseok. “I don’t think he slept at all.”
Jimin nods. “Yeah, you should have seen him, Guk. He was a wreck.”
Jeongguk feels faintly gratified at this, but it’s not enough to cut through the haze of despair that’s consuming him. It doesn’t change the fact that Taehyung isn’t here.
“It doesn’t matter,” he says, shaking his head. “He’s going to film the movie, I’m going back to Korea. It was stupid to think this was anything more than... whatever it was.”
“Are you sure?” Jimin presses, looking unconvinced. “You both seemed so happy this week.”
Jeongguk closes his eyes, taking a deep breath. He feels Taehyung’s absence like an ache through his whole body. “This week wasn’t real life.”
Jimin looks like he’s about to protest further, but Jeongguk holds up a hand, shaking. “Please,” he says desperately. “I can’t - don’t make me talk about it anymore.”
Jimin sighs but nods, pulling Jeongguk in for a hug instead. The others pile on as well, ruffling Jeongguk’s hair and murmuring that they love him. If a few more tears leak out against Jimin’s shoulder, no one mentions it, and Jeongguk feels deeply grateful to have such a profoundly supportive family.
***
When he and Taehyung broke up, Jeongguk dreamed about him for months after. The dreams themselves were pleasant, a fantasy world where he and Taehyung were still together and everything was good between them. The nightmare came with waking up, the slow, sickening dread as it all came back to him.
Hawaii had been like one, long dream, Jeongguk thinks. And the month that follows is the subsequent nightmare.
He spends the majority of his time either in the gym or in the studio with Namjoon and Yoongi. Both are cathartic in their own ways. He’s aiming to release his solo album by spring of next year, and it’s exactly the distraction he needs, even if the whole thing is about Taehyung. There’s no point in fighting it anymore - like it or not, his best writing comes from that.
Things mostly go back to normal, with the main exception being that he hasn’t spoken to Taehyung since their last night in Hawaii. He thinks about texting him sometimes, mainly when he’s drunk, but the memory of their fight and the following morning always stops him. The sting of being left behind again is too sharp. Besides, with how they left things, he doubts Taehyung wants to talk to him anyway.
The other members avoid talking about Taehyung around him for a while, and Jeongguk is grateful for that. It comes up eventually though, one night when he and Jimin are out getting ramen. Jimin glances down at his phone and smiles, but when Jeongguk asks him about it, his expression turns guilty.
“What is it?” he presses.
Jimin frowns. “Just - a funny text from Tae,” he says, sighing. “Sorry.”
“It’s okay,” Jeongguk says, waving his hand even as his stomach turns over. He knows this standoff between him and Taehyung can’t be easy for the rest of them, least of all Jimin. “How, umm. How is he?”
Jimin’s eyebrows lift in surprise, and Jeongguk stares down at his ramen, embarrassed.
“He’s fine,” Jimin answers cautiously. “Busy with filming, but I think he likes it.”
“Oh,” Jeongguk nods. He’s not sure what else he was expecting, really. “Good.”
“He asks about you too, you know,” Jimin says gently.
Jeongguk’s gaze flicks up, a familiar swooping in his chest that he immediately tamps down. “Oh.”
“Maybe you guys could try asking each other next time,” Jimin suggests lightly.
“Maybe,” Jeongguk says weakly, mostly to appease Jimin. He misses Taehyung like a limb, thinks about him constantly, but he just - he can’t. The wound is still too fresh, and having Taehyung back in his life will only make it worse. Maybe someday he’ll figure it out, but for now, he just isn’t ready.
In the end, it’s Taehyung who breaks the silence between them. It comes in the form of two short text messages, sent one after the other late in the evening on Jeongguk’s birthday. He nearly drops his phone on his face when he sees the name “Tae” light up the screen.
happy birthday jeonggukie
i’m sorry for everything
Jeongguk stares up at his phone, blinking rapidly as his heart thumps painfully in his chest. He’d be lying if he said he hadn’t been wondering all day whether he’d hear from Taehyung, but the messages still catch him off guard, especially the apology. It opens up a whole mess of feelings that he’s been doing his best to keep locked tightly away.
He lasts all of 8 minutes before he caves and types a message back:
thanks
me too
His phone starts vibrating with a call from Taehyung a few seconds later, and this time Jeongguk really does drop his phone on his face. Cursing, he scrambles to right it, panicking as he tries to decide whether or not he should answer. Ultimately, he blames it on the champagne he’d had at dinner with the members when he swipes to accept the call.
“Hi,” he says.
“Hi,” comes Taehyung’s voice, as achingly familiar as climbing into bed after a long day. Jeongguk has to squeeze his eyes shut against the onslaught of emotions. “Happy birthday.”
“Thanks,” Jeongguk croaks.
“I hope it’s okay that I called,” Taehyung says. He sounds tired, and Jeongguk wonders what time it is there. “I just - couldn’t not, on your birthday.”
“It’s okay,” Jeongguk replies, even though it’s not, really.
“I also wanted to say I’m sorry for what happened in Hawaii. For how I’ve handled things.” He pauses, and for a moment all Jeongguk can hear is his own heart pounding in his ears. “I know it wasn’t fair.”
And the thing is, Jeongguk believes that Taehyung is truly sorry. Jeongguk is so fucking sorry too. But an apology isn’t going to fix all that’s broken between them, no matter how badly Jeongguk wants it to.
“I’m sorry too,” he says anyway. “For how I reacted, and what I said. I made everything worse.”
“I guess we really made a mess of things,” Taehyung murmurs, laughing sadly. “Do you think we have any shot at finding our way back?”
Back to what, though, Jeongguk wonders. If there’s anything he’s learned from this experience, it’s that he can’t keep falling back into old patterns, no matter how comfortable and inviting. He needs to move forward.
“I,” he starts, dreading what he’s about to say. “I need time, Tae.”
The line is silent for so long that for a second Jeongguk wonders if Taehyung has hung up on him. But then he hears a shaky inhale, followed by: “Okay. I understand.”
A part of Jeongguk is disappointed that Taehyung accepts this so easily, but he can’t say he’s really surprised. It’s always been clear that of the two of them, Jeongguk has the harder time letting go. Jeongguk is the one who couldn’t shake his feelings, who couldn’t see Hawaii for what it was - a fling between two exes. He’s the one still in love with the person who broke his heart six years ago.
But now Jeongguk is recording an album and Taehyung is filming a movie and there’s an ocean between them. Whatever Hawaii might have called up for him, the reality is their lives are separate now, and have been for a while.
“I’m gonna go,” Jeongguk says, wondering when this will stop hurting so much. Wondering what’s wrong with him that he can’t just get the fuck over it already. “Thanks for calling, Tae.”
“Yeah,” Taehyung responds, his voice rough. “Of course. I’ll, uh - let me know when you’re ready.”
“Okay. I will.”
Jeongguk’s not sure he’ll ever be ready.
The months slip by, the album starts to come together, and Jeongguk and Taehyung don’t speak. It’s hard, and it’s sad, but it helps. It’s what Jeongguk needs, even if it’s not what he wants.
He gets periodic updates from Jimin - Taehyung has finished filming, Taehyung is back on the set of the show while the movie is in post-production. Taehyung is doing well, even if Jimin always looks a little less than convinced when he says it.
Jeongguk texts him on his birthday. It’s the one exception he makes, because he’s never missed Taehyung’s birthday and he doesn’t want him to think he forgot.
happy birthday
Taehyung’s response comes an hour later.
thank you
it’s really good to hear from you guk
Jeongguk doesn’t answer, and Taehyung doesn’t text him again.
The album comes out in the spring, and it does better than Jeongguk could have dreamed. Their fans have always been incredible, but this is his first time putting out music as a solo artist, not as Jungkook of BTS. Even his mixtape, while certainly his own, had been caught up in the hype of the band. It’s both reassuring and humbling to find that even without that, people still want to hear his music.
The months that follow are packed with promotions and performances, although not on the level that BTS had been. He had deliberately worked with his team to keep a more moderate, balanced schedule this time around, and his body thanks him for the difference. Still, it’s busy enough to keep him sufficiently distracted, and although Taehyung’s absence remains a dull ache in his chest, it’s not quite as unbearable as it used to be. In short, he’s learning to live with it.
Being back in the spotlight also means he has more people throwing themselves at him than he has in years. He indulges in a few of them, but most of the time it’s pretty clear they’re just looking to take advantage of his connections. He starts bringing Haeun with him to some functions as a buffer, and although they drunkenly fall into bed together occasionally, she mostly just becomes a close friend.
In June, an email from Taehyung appears in his inbox. It’s been sent to all six of them, inviting them to the LA premiere of his movie at the end of July. Jeongguk sits at his desk and blinks at it for an unnecessarily long time, thrown off by seeing Taehyung’s name in his inbox for the first time in months. It’s not like he hasn’t come up in conversations with the other members, but Jeongguk hasn’t heard from him directly since they spoke on his birthday.
Once he gets past the initial shock, he promptly starts agonizing about whether or not to go. Based on a quick glance at his schedule, he thinks he could technically make it, even though it would likely have to be a quick turnaround. But from a personal perspective, he’s not sure he’s ready. He’s been doing well lately, especially since the album launched, and he worries that seeing Taehyung in person will set him back. Guilt tugs at him, because he knows how important this movie was to Taehyung, but the movie is also a big part of the reason they’re not talking right now.
In the end, he decides not to go. He gives a semi-bullshit excuse about not being able to fit it in with his schedule for the album, and even though he assumes the other members can see right through that, they don’t push it. Taehyung is cordial and understanding when Jeongguk emails him the news, saying he’ll be missed and wishing him luck with the album. Jeongguk wonders if he’s listened to it or if he knows the whole thing is about him. If he even cares that Jeongguk isn’t coming, or if maybe he’s relieved.
It feels strange watching them all fly off to the US without him. Jeongguk sees Jimin, Seokjin, and Hoseok the night before, and every time it comes up in conversation he feels a tug of sadness and regret. The more he thinks about it, the more he questions whether he’s doing the right thing, but it feels too late to change his mind now.
“We’ll miss you, Jeongguk-ah,” Seokjin says as they say goodnight. They’re all giving him this sad sort of smile that makes Jeongguk want to crawl in a hole and die.
“I’m sorry I’m not coming,” Jeongguk sighs. “Tell Tae - umm, good luck, I guess.”
“We will,” Jimin assures him, rubbing his back. “See you in a few days. We’ll send selfies so you don’t miss us too much.”
Jeongguk spends most of the next morning moping. He does have some meetings about the upcoming showcase concerts he’s doing for the album, but it’s not enough to keep his mind off the premiere and the fact that he’s not going. A part of him wishes his schedule really was as busy as he’d made it seem, just so he’d have a distraction.
When his phone rings in the early afternoon, the name “Rapmon hyung” lighting up the screen, Jeongguk is deeply immersed in his own personal pity party. He frowns as he picks up the phone and slides to answer it - to his knowledge, Namjoon and the others had left this morning, and there’s no way their flight already landed.
“Hello?” he answers curiously.
“Guk, hey,” Namjoon says. “What’s up?”
Jeongguk is confused.
“Aren’t you supposed to be on a plane right now?”
“I had meetings I couldn’t miss this morning, so I’m flying out in a few hours,” Namjoon explains. There’s rustling in the background, and Jeongguk assumes he’s packing.
“Do you have your passport?” Jeongguk asks.
Namjoon laughs. “Yes, I - wait, fuck.”
Jeongguk snorts.
“Shit, well - I’ll find it in a second, that’s not why I’m calling,” Namjoon says. “I know you decided not to come, and I get it, so no pressure or anything, but - I just wanted to let you know that I was leaving later. If you happened to have a change of heart, or anything.”
Back when they all lived and worked together, Jeongguk had credited the constant proximity with how easily Namjoon could read him. Now, he recognizes that Namjoon is just an exceptionally insightful person, and it’s both reassuring and mildly terrifying.
“Oh,” Jeongguk says dumbly, because he doesn’t know how else to answer.
“Like I said, no pressure,” Namjoon assures him. “Say the word and I’ll drop it. I just wanted you to know you had the option.”
Jeongguk stares blankly at his laptop screen, leg bouncing nervously. The prospect of attending the premiere is more tempting than he would have expected, especially in light of how down he’s been feeling all day. Even still, he’s anxious - scratch that, terrified - about seeing Taehyung. It’s been over a year, and the last time they were face to face, they were screaming at each other.
“I dunno, hyung,” he says hesitantly. His mind and his heart are at war right now. “What do you think I should do?”
Namjoon is quiet for a moment, and Jeongguk imagines him with his “deep in thought” expression on. “I think,” he says eventually. “I think it’s not about what you should do, in this case. I think it’s about listening to whatever your heart is telling you.”
And really, only Namjoon could give advice like that without it sounding cheesy. It’s helpful, though, because Jeongguk already knows what his heart is telling him. He just needed someone to point him in the right direction.
“Okay,” Jeongguk says quietly. “Okay. I’ll come.”
He can practically hear Namjoon’s grin through the phone. “Awesome. Now get your ass in gear, because we need to get to the airport.”
Jeongguk leaps up from his desk chair, scrambling to his bedroom in search of a suitcase. “Did you find your passport?” he asks, ripping clothes out of his drawer.
“Fuck!” Namjoon shouts, and Jeongguk laughs in earnest this time.
“Go find it, hyung. See you soon.”
***
Taehyung is nervous. He’s so fucking nervous, and no amount of deep breathing or pep talks from Jimin can calm him down. He’s been to premieres before, sure, but never for a movie that he’s starring in, for fuck’s sake. What if people hate it? What if people hate him in it specifically, and say that he ruined the whole movie?
“This isn’t a very productive line of thought,” Jimin says pragmatically, massaging the back of Taehyung’s neck.
“Even if it’s garbage, we’re still going to love you in it,” Seokjin offers, and Hoseok nods encouragingly beside him.
Yoongi rolls his eyes and says, firmly: “It won’t be garbage.”
He’s so glad they’re here, even if he is a nervous wreck - after years of performing together, there probably isn’t anyone who knows how to handle him better when he’s like this. Except for Jeongguk, but Jeongguk isn’t coming.
Taehyung hadn’t exactly been surprised when Jeongguk responded to his email saying he couldn’t come. Disappointed, sure, but not surprised. Jeongguk had said he needed time, and even though it’s been almost a year since that conversation, there’s been no indication of that coming to an end any time soon. Taehyung hates it, is generally miserable because of it, but after everything he feels like he owes it to Jeongguk to respect what he wants.
Still, he had really been hoping that Jeongguk would come to his premiere. It feels wrong to experience it with all the others but not him.
“Namjoon says he’s here,” Seokjin announces, looking down at his phone. “Just changing into his suit and then he’ll come meet us.”
Taehyung settles a little at this - he’s always found Namjoon’s presence especially comforting.
“Just in time,” Hoseok says, glancing down at his watch. “We have to leave soon.”
Checking his own watch, Taehyung startles when he realizes the car will be picking them up in fifteen minutes. He’s arriving with the other members, but needs to get there early enough to walk the red carpet with his costars as well.
Ten minutes pass, and then a knock comes at the door. Seokjin pulls it open to reveal Namjoon, looking very dapper for someone who just spent twelve hours on a plane.
“Hey,” he greets them warmly, a huge, dimply grin on his face. “I brought a surprise.”
He steps out of the way, and Taehyung swears that his heart fucking stops. Because there, in the doorway, is Jeongguk.
He looks like a fucking GQ model in his tuxedo, just like he always has, dark hair styled and parted over his forehead. It’s been over a year since Taehyung has seen him in person, but he’s still so, so handsome and Taehyung wants to die.
The others exclaim happily around him, but Taehyung just stares, wide-eyed, even when Jeongguk catches his eye, even when he flushes and looks down at his feet, hands in his pockets. He just can’t believe that Jeongguk is here, in the flesh, that even after their fight and months of silence, Jeongguk had flown halfway around the world just to be here for his premiere. Taehyung’s heart is thumping so hard he thinks it might be trying to break out of his chest and fling itself across the room to Jeongguk.
There’s a gentle nudge against his shoulder - Jimin, of course - and Taehyung springs into action, leaping to his feet and crossing the room towards where Jeongguk is still standing in the doorway. Everything else fades to gray around him, the hotel room and the other members just a blur. If anyone says anything, he doesn’t hear it.
He stops right in front of Jeongguk, and Jeongguk finally looks up at him, his eyes round, expression anxious. Taehyung doesn’t say anything, just steps into his space and slips his arms around Jeongguk, burying his face in the side of his neck. It takes a moment for Jeongguk to respond, but then he lets out a shaky breath and folds around him, and all at once it feels like everything in the world is righting itself.
“I can’t believe you’re here,” Taehyung murmurs, hot tears stinging at his eyes. He doesn’t even care if he’s being too obvious or emotional or clingy - right now, he just needs to be as close to Jeongguk as humanly possible. “Thank you so much.”
“Couldn’t miss your big day,” Jeongguk says quietly, into his hair, and Taehyung nearly dissolves into the floor at the sound of his voice, the slight vibration in his chest when he speaks. He can’t believe how long it’s been since he heard that voice, since he smelled Jeongguk and felt the press of his body.
God, Taehyung is about ten seconds away from ditching the premiere and pulling Jeongguk into the nearest bed. Not even for sex reasons (well, partly for sex reasons), but just to bathe in the warmth of his presence again.
Someone clears their throat behind them (Yoongi, from the sound of it), and Taehyung steps back, biting his lip shyly, eyes still locked on Jeongguk’s. To be honest, he had kind of forgotten the others were even still here.
“Sorry to break up this little reunion, but the car should be here,” Hoseok says apologetically. The five of them are watching Taehyung and Jeongguk with impossibly fond expressions on their faces.
“Can’t really be late for your own film premiere, Tae,” Namjoon chimes in, and Taehyung pulls him in for a hug as well, feeling suddenly guilty (not to mention a little embarrassed) that he had completely bypassed Namjoon to get to Jeongguk. Feelings are a bitch, okay?
“Shit, right, okay,” Taehyung says, collecting himself. They grab their things and pile out into the hallway, everyone chattering excitedly. This is the first time the seven of them have been in the same place since Hawaii, and the shift in energy is palpable. As desperately as Taehyung wants to get Jeongguk somewhere alone, he knows he needs to show all of the members how grateful he is that they came.
The trip to the premiere is quick, and before he knows it Taehyung is being swept up in a wave of journalists on the red carpet while the other members are snuck in through the theater’s back entrance. It feels odd to be walking such a major red carpet without them, even if Taehyung does love his costars and is happy to be sharing this experience with them. Mostly, he can’t stop thinking about the fact that Jeongguk is here, and how it somehow seems wrong to not be soaking up every single precious moment in his presence.
Taehyung sits with his costars during the actual screening, but the members are just a few rows back and Jimin keeps texting him about how handsome the back of his head is, so he doesn’t feel too left out. It’s exciting to see the final cut of the movie, and overall he’s happy with his performance and how it turned out. The resounding applause at the end feels pretty good too, especially when it’s punctuated by the distinct voices of the members cheering him on.
There’s a private after party for the cast, their guests, and other VIPs at a nearby venue, so they head there immediately after the screening. For the next two hours, Taehyung gets pulled in a million different directions, seemingly every person in Hollywood wanting to say hello and compliment him on the film. The social butterfly in him loves it, and he swells with pride at the praise, but he feels guilty for not being able to spend more time with the members (although they admittedly seem to be doing just fine). Every time he gets a moment to breathe, his gaze automatically seeks out Jeongguk, heart flip flopping whenever gets a glimpse of the figure he cuts in that suit.
Eventually, the party starts to wind down, and Taehyung takes advantage of the lull to look for Jeongguk, who he finds sitting on a leather couch in a more secluded part of the venue. Jimin and Namjoon are nearby, chatting up some starlet Taehyung recognizes but forgets the name of, but Jeongguk is by himself. Taehyung can’t say he’s really surprised - he knows Jeongguk tends to hit a limit in big social gatherings like this.
“Hi,” Taehyung says, dropping down next to him, not quite close enough to touch.
Jeongguk offers him a small smile. “Hi.”
“How’re you doing?”
“Good,” Jeongguk nods. After so long, watching him do even the smallest, most simple movements has Taehyung transfixed. “A little tired.”
“I can imagine,” Taehyung says. “I really can’t thank you enough for coming, Guk. I just - I’m blown away, honestly.”
“I’m glad I came,” Jeongguk replies, and he sounds sincere, even if his body language is still a little closed off. “The movie was really good, Tae. You were so good.”
Taehyung flushes, unable to stop the wide smile that spreads across his face. “I’m glad you thought so,” he says shyly. “I could say the same for you, mister solo idol. Your album is incredible.”
Jeongguk looks surprised by this, and Taehyung supposes it’s because the album has been out for a couple of months now. He had wanted desperately to contact Jeongguk when he first heard it, but ultimately decided it wasn’t his place after Jeongguk had told him he needed some time apart. He’s only listened to it a few times since then, mostly because it’s too painful to hear Jeongguk’s voice and wonder which of the lyrics are about them.
“Thanks,” Jeongguk says, ears turning pink as he looks down at his lap. “I, uh. I’m really proud of how it turned out.”
“You should be,” Taehyung agrees fervently. There’s a beat of silence then, during which time Jeongguk continues to stare at his lap and Taehyung battles the urge to pull Jeongguk’s arm around his shoulders and curl into his side. He’d gotten used to suppressing those urges back when they first split up, but after everything that happened in Hawaii, it feels like he’s landed back at square one. “I missed you, Jeongguk,” he blurts out instead, which honestly isn’t much better. There just is so much feeling pent up in Taehyung’s chest - it has to get out somehow.
Jeongguk glances up at him out of the corner of his eye, his expression conflicted. “I missed you too,” he admits, voice quiet. But when Taehyung tries to shift closer to him, he pulls back. Taehyung feels it like a knife through his fucking heart. “I really care about you Tae, that’s why I’m here,” he says, hands clenched tight over his own knees. “But I just - I’m still not ready for us to go back to how we were before Hawaii. I’m sorry.”
Taehyung swallows down the lump in his throat, nodding. He understands, knows Hawaii had been complicated for both of them, but to hear Jeongguk say it still fucking kills him. “Okay,” he nods, putting on a brave face. (He is a goddamn actor, after all.) “I get it. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to push.”
Something like resignation flickers across Jeongguk’s face, and Taehyung wonders what that’s about. Before he can read too much into it, though, one of Taehyung’s costars descends on him, pulling him away for a picture in spite of his protests. When he throws an apologetic glance over his shoulder, he finds Jeongguk watching him go with that same resigned look on his face.
The rest of the night passes relatively uneventfully, and Taehyung ends up crashing in Jimin and Hoseok’s hotel room rather than going back to his own apartment. With the exception of Jimin, who is staying a few extra days in LA to visit with Taehyung, the other members are going home tomorrow, and Taehyung wants to spend as much time with them as physically possible.
The seven of them go to breakfast together the next morning, a few (namely Seokjin, Hoseok, and Jimin) nursing worse hangovers than others. It’s a quiet, relaxed affair, and Taehyung tries to ignore the weight in his gut every time he looks at Jeongguk in favor of savoring these last few hours with his brothers. As usual, he gets tearful when it comes time to say goodbye, and he swears it’s just getting harder as more time passes, rather than easier. Where living in LA had once seemed like an exciting, fresh start, it now just feels impossibly far away.
His goodbye with Jeongguk is a little awkward and a lot excruciating, to say the least. Taehyung still doesn’t feel over the shock of him being here in the first place, and to have him ripped away so quickly feels cruel and unfair. There’s so much that Taehyung still wants to say, but there simply isn’t time and based on their conversation last night, he doubts Jeongguk even wants to hear it.
“Maybe I’ll see you the next time you’re in Korea, yeah?” Jeongguk says, Taehyung’s whole body screaming in protest as he pulls back from their hug.
“Yeah,” Taehyung nods. The suggestion gives him the barest glimmer of hope for the future. “I’d like that.”
Jeongguk gives him another small smile, and Taehyung wonders where that big, bunny-toothed grin he so loves has gone. And then he’s gone, along with the others, leaving Taehyung to sag into Jimin’s side and try to pull himself together. He doesn’t think he’s ever been so grateful for his best friend’s presence before.
They go back to Taehyung’s apartment together, and without really discussing it they crawl into his bed and just lay there for a while. Jimin plays with his hair and stays quiet, seeming to understand that Taehyung needs some time to gather his thoughts.
“I’m still in love with him, Jiminie,” Taehyung whispers eventually, curling his fingers in the hem of Jimin’s shirt.
“I know,” Jimin hums. Taehyung isn’t surprised. “You should tell him.”
“He doesn’t want to talk to me,” Taehyung says, eyes stinging as he remembers how Jeongguk had pulled away from him last night. “He doesn’t want to be near me.”
“Because he doesn’t know how you feel,” Jimin counters. “He’s trying to protect himself.”
Taehyung thinks back to the resigned expression on Jeongguk’s face when he said he still needed time. “I dunno, Chim. I think he’s given up on me.”
Jimin sighs heavily, grabbing Taehyung’s chin and angling him so they’re face to face. “Taehyung,” he says, voice firm. “He just flew 24 hours round trip to spend less than a day here for your premiere. He hasn’t given up on you, and even if it’s killing him, he won’t. But if you want to be with him for real, you have to meet him halfway.”
Taehyung blinks at him, surprised by how tough Jimin is being on him. Not that it isn’t warranted, it just isn’t his usual style. “What do you mean?”
“Fight for him, Tae,” Jimin explains, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “All Jeongguk wants is for you to want him as much as he wants to you. Not for a week, not as a friend - all in.”
Taehyung considers this, frowning. “But every time I try, he pushes me away again.”
“He does that because he doesn’t believe you love him back,” Jimin says. “Look, you have to consider these situations from Jeongguk’s perspective. You’re the one that broke up with him, and I know you had your reasons and I’m not saying they were wrong, but to Jeongguk, that registered as you rejecting him. Same thing when you moved to LA, same thing when you left Hawaii. I know Jeongguk was at fault too, and I’m not trying to blame you, but I just think you need to understand the mindset that he’s in.” Jimin sighs. “He’s trying to keep you at a safe distance so he doesn’t get his hopes up again.”
Taehyung’s heart fractures a little at this. It’s essentially what Jeongguk had said to him the night they fought in Hawaii, but at the time he’d been too caught up in his own anger to consider it from a rational point of view. To him, it’s always been so blindingly obvious that he’s in love with Jeongguk - it never really occurred to him that to Jeongguk, it might not appear that way.
“I never really thought of it that way,” he admits. “How’d you get so wise?”
Jimin snorts, poking his side. “Not wise, just observant. I’ve spent the better part of the last ten years watching my two best friends dance around each other. You pick up on a few things.”
Taehyung wrinkles his nose. “Sorry for putting you in the middle.”
“I just want you guys to be happy,” Jimin says, shrugging. “I’ve tried to stay out of it, but you can both be so dense sometimes.”
“Hey,” Taehyung protests, his indignation only halfhearted. He knows he’s been a bit of an idiot when it comes to Jeongguk.
“Just, Tae,” Jimin continues, his tone growing more serious again. “Be 100% sure, if you do anything. Like, 100,000% sure. There won’t be any coming back from it if you aren’t.”
Taehyung sighs, nodding. “Yeah. I know.”
“Good.” Jimin smiles and kicks his legs up in the air before letting them drop over Taehyung’s.
“Okay, enough about me,” Taehyung says, facing Jimin with a fist propped under his chin. “Did I see you chatting up Elle Fanning last night?”
Jimin blushes to the tips of his ears.
***
In the weeks following the premiere, Jeongguk and Taehyung don’t speak. Which isn’t exactly unexpected, given the fact that Jeongguk had expressly told Taehyung he wasn’t ready for that, but still. Seeing Taehyung again after so long had been like a shock to his whole system, and to go from that back to just... nothing is disappointing to say the least.
On the bright side, Jeongguk has a series of showcase performances coming up at the end of the month, which keeps him sufficiently busy and distracted as the weeks pass. The performances, spread out over the course of a few weeks in both Korea and Japan, are meant to be a teaser for his full tour, which will take place at the start of the new year. It’s been years since he performed live, and while he’s certainly nervous - especially at the thought of performing alone - he also can’t wait to be on a stage again.
After much fretting, he ends up taking a similar route to Taehyung when it comes to inviting the other members, sending out an email with the dates of the shows to all six of them. He knows Taehyung is in the midst of his press tour for the film, so it doesn’t come as much of a surprise when he gets an email back saying as much and wishing him luck with the shows. A part of Jeongguk is relieved, but still, the rejection stings, no matter how familiar at this point.
In some ways, stepping on to the stage the night of the first showcase feels like coming back to life. When they’d gone on hiatus, he had desperately needed the break, and he’s grateful for that time and recognizes how important it was. But he’s always loved performing, maybe even more than he loves music, and to do it again is even more exhilarating than he had anticipated. The lights on his face, the roar of the crowd, the thump of the music - for that period of time, he forgets about everything else and simply exists in his own little world.
He sells out every single show, which is thrilling on its own, and the performances all go as well as he could have hoped. With the exception of Taehyung, each of the members turns up for at least one of his shows, their presence reassuring him backstage even if they’re not actually out there performing with him. They’ve already started talking about surprise guest appearances for his official tour - maybe a dance line reunion, or a remix of one of his songs with Yoongi and Namjoon.
On the night of the last showcase performance, Jeongguk is unexpectedly nervous. He tells himself it’s because he’s back in Seoul and he wants to do an extra good job, but really it’s because he’s deluded himself into hoping Taehyung will somehow show up unexpectedly. He’s been half-wishing for that this whole time, especially considering his own surprise appearance at Taehyung’s premiere, but now it’s down to the last night, the last possible chance for him to come. And even though Jeongguk knows he’s being completely ridiculous, he can’t totally get the thought out of his mind.
He hates himself for how disappointed he feels when it gets to be showtime and there’s still no sign of Taehyung.
The first half of the set passes without incident. There isn’t a real break, but the lights do go down briefly so that he can grab a sip of water and collect himself. He sees Jimin and Yoongi watching from the wings to his right; they smile and wave when he catches their eye. Then he glances to his left and nearly gags on his water because there, standing in the shadows just off the stage, is Taehyung.
Jeongguk swears it’s Taehyung. But as soon as he stops himself from choking to death in the middle of his own concert and looks over again, there’s no one there. And then all of a sudden the lights go up and he has to start playing again.
He keeps checking that side of the stage throughout the rest of the showcase, little darting glances that frankly are beyond his control. There’s no sign of Taehyung again, no sign of anyone except for the occasional backstage staff or crew member. By the end of the show, Jeongguk is half convinced that he hallucinated him out of sheer desperation, and fuck if that isn’t the most pathetic thing he’s ever heard.
As soon as the performance is over, he bulldozes offstage in search of Jimin and Yoongi. Surely, if Taehyung had actually been there, they would know, right?
“Jeongguk-ah!” Jimin greets him when he comes barreling into his dressing room. He and Yoongi are sprawled out across from each other on the couch, both scrolling through their phones. “Crushed it again, good job.”
“You did so well,” Yoongi agrees, reaching up to pat his shoulder.
“Thanks,” Jeongguk says distractedly. “Listen, umm - Taehyung isn’t here, right?”
They both blink at him, eyebrows raised in confusion. “Uh - no?” Jimin replies, frowning. “Why?”
Jeongguk’s stomach sinks, and he suddenly feels mortified, flushing with embarrassment. Hallucinating Taehyung’s presence has to be a new low. “I just could have sworn I saw him offstage,” Jeongguk admits. Jimin and Yoongi are looking at him pityingly now, and Jeongguk wishes the floor would just swallow him up whole. “It must have been someone else, forget it.”
“Sorry, Gukkie,” Jimin says softly. “I know he really did want to be here.”
“Yeah,” Jeongguk nods, his throat suddenly raw. He shakes his head, forcing on smile. “It’s fine. Thanks again for coming, you guys.”
“‘Course, dude,” Jimin says. “You really were amazing.”
Yoongi nods. “We love you, Jeongguk-ah.”
Jeongguk hangs out with them for a while longer and then heads home, eager for a shower and the warm comfort of his bed. As exciting as the showcases have been, he’s dead tired and is looking forward to having a few days off to just sleep and relax. He honestly has no idea how he kept up with this lifestyle back in their BTS days.
By the time he steps out of the elevator outside of his apartment, he’s barely awake, trudging to his door with his gaze fixed on the ground. Just a few more steps between him and -
“Jeongguk.”
It’s Taehyung’s voice. Which means, excellent, that Jeongguk is hallucinating him again. Good. Great. He wonders if he should see a doctor about this.
“Jeongguk-ah.”
Jeongguk leaps about a foot in the air when he feels a hand on his shoulder. Whirling around, he finds himself face to face with none other than Taehyung himself, now holding his hands up by his head apologetically. He doesn’t look like a hallucination.
“Holy fuck,” Jeongguk blurts out.
“Sorry,” Taehyung replies sheepishly. “Didn’t mean to startle you.”
Jeongguk stares at him. “What - were you at my show?”
Taehyung’s eyes widen. “I - yeah,” he admits, biting his lip nervously. “Sorry, I didn’t mean for you to see me. I was gonna leave you alone and text you in the morning, but then I was on my way to my hotel after the show and I just... couldn’t wait.”
Jeongguk takes in the bag at Taehyung’s feet and his stomach does a somersault. Actually, fuck that, it does a full, Olympic medal-worthy gymnastics routine.
“I thought you had promo stuff for the movie,” he manages to say.
Taehyung shrugs, smiling a little. He looks tired but very soft, hair flat and glasses on. It’s his flying look, Jeongguk recognizes.
“Couldn’t miss your big day,” he murmurs, and Jeongguk dies a little when he realizes Taehyung is echoing his own words back to him. “Also - I was hoping we could talk?”
Jeongguk opens his mouth and then closes it, totally unsure of what to say. The sudden appearance of Taehyung had jolted him awake, but he doesn’t feel at all equipped to deal with whatever this is right now.
“Sorry, or I can just come back tomorrow,” Taehyung rushes to add, his expression anxious. Jeongguk wants to touch his hair. “Or whenever is convenient for you. I’m sorry to just... appear like this.”
Now that Taehyung is right here in front of him, Jeongguk doesn’t think he can wait until tomorrow to hear what he has to say, even if it’s bad. He also feels guilty sending him away this late at night.
“No, it’s okay,” he says, shaking his head. “Here, uh - come in.”
Taehyung follows him into the apartment, flicking on lights and kicking off their shoes as they go. It’s quiet and empty, obviously, and when they drop down side by side on the couch Jeongguk realizes this is the first time he’s ever been alone in his apartment with Taehyung.
“So,” Jeongguk says, clearing his throat. He’s not used to see Taehyung this nervous, and it’s making him anxious in turn. “Uh... what’s up?”
It seems like an impossibly casual way to start a conversation with his ex who just unexpectedly showed up at his door in the middle of the night, but that’s the best he’s got right now.
Taehyung takes a deep breath, hands twisting in his lap. “I’ve really been struggling since the premiere,” he begins, meeting Jeongguk’s eyes. “Or, since Hawaii, honestly. I hate not talking to you, I hate being so far away. And I know a lot of that is my own fault, but I just - I miss you so fucking much, Jeongguk. I can’t stand not having you in my life.”
“I miss you too, Tae,” Jeongguk croaks out. It’s like their conversation from the night of the premiere all over again, and as much as he hates it, their circumstances haven’t changed. “Of course I do. But I can’t - you’re gonna go back to LA, and I’m still gonna be here - ”
“I’m not going back to LA,” Taehyung interrupts.
Jeongguk looks from him to the single bag he brought, blinking. “What do you mean?”
“I sold my apartment,” Taehyung explains. The bottom drops out from Jeongguk’s stomach. “I’m having my stuff shipped here. I’m moving back to Seoul.”
“I.” Jeongguk feels like he might start hyperventilating any minute now. “What?”
“I meant what I said in Hawaii,” Taehyung says, eyes imploring. “I wanted to come back, I would have, but then...” He shrugs helplessly. “Well, you know what happened.”
Jeongguk is in shock, or maybe denial. He hears the words Taehyung is saying, but he doesn’t fully believe them. It feels like a setup to be let down again.
“Why?” he breathes.
“A lot of reasons,” Taehyung tells him. “But mostly... I want to be where you are.”
“Tae,” Jeongguk says, his voice pleading. He can’t get his hopes up again, he can’t. His poor heart can’t take it. “Please. Please don’t do this to me - ”
Without fully being conscious of it, he starts shaking his head, but Taehyung catches his face between his hands, his touch gentle. When Jeongguk stops moving, he drops his hands, looking utterly anguished.
“I know I’ve hurt you, or made you think I don’t want you back,” Taehyung says, voice thick with emotion. “I’m so sorry for ever making you think that. That was never - none of the decisions I’ve made have ever been because of that. You’ve hurt me too, Guk, and I guess my way of dealing with it has just been... to not.” He sighs, rubbing his face. “But I’m here now, and I want to do better. If you still want - ” his voice breaks, and on instinct Jeongguk reaches out to take his hand. The gesture seems to give him the strength he needs to continue. “I understand if you’ve moved on, or if you still need time. I just needed you to know that I’m here, and I will be here, if and when you’re ready.”
There’s wetness on his cheeks and all at once Jeongguk realizes he’s crying. He’s speechless, overwhelmed, confused - all he wants is to just sink into Taehyung’s touch, but a part of him is still scared, still holding back. He’s been down this road before, and it hasn’t ended well for him.
“I want you so much my whole body aches with it,” Taehyung murmurs, reaching up with his free hand to brush away Jeongguk’s tears. “I always have, no matter what you think.”
Jeongguk shudders, his resolve slipping as he tightens his fingers around Taehyung’s wrist, pulling him closer. With a choked off gasp, Taehyung comes, sliding across Jeongguk’s lap so that he has one knee on either side of his hips. Still waging an internal war with himself, Jeongguk runs his palms up and down Taehyung’s sides, desperate just to feel him, soak in the familiarity of his body. Taehyung is patient with him, tilting forward so that their foreheads press together, his arms curling up and around Jeongguk’s neck. They don’t kiss, just sit there sharing the same air while Jeongguk attempts to make sense of the mess in his brain.
It’s not a matter of whether he wants to be with Taehyung. Of course he does, he wants that more than anything. It’s a matter of taking another risk, putting his heart on the line again when it’s already so, so fragile. Taehyung’s words are making him weak in the knees, but he’s spent so long telling himself Taehyung doesn’t want him back that he’s having trouble processing these indications to the contrary.
“I can wait,” Taehyung says eventually, breaking the silence. His breath fans out against Jeongguk’s face as he speaks. “If that’s what you need. I’ll wait as long as you want.”
“I’m sick of waiting,” Jeongguk responds truthfully. It feels like all he’s done for the past ten years is wait and wait and wait for Taehyung. “I don’t want to wait anymore.”
Taehyung sucks in a sharp breath, fingers climbing into Jeongguk’s hair. “Me neither,” he admits shakily.
“Tae,” Jeongguk breathes, clutching him tighter. He needs Taehyung to guide him through this, needs him holding his hand if he takes this leap.
And Taehyung gets it because he always does.
“I love you, Jeongguk-ah,” he says, simple as anything. “I love you, I love you - ”
Something inside of Jeongguk breaks then, like the dam that’s holding his emotions in check has collapsed and been swept away. This is what he needed, what he hoped for, what he doubted. This is what he’s wanted since Taehyung walked out his door all those years ago.
With a strangled sort of groan, he grabs Taehyung’s face, pulling him down for a kiss that’s sloppy and wet and still, somehow, everything that Jeongguk wants. Taehyung shifts forward immediately, pressing their bodies as close as possible, kissing Jeongguk back just as desperately. It’s ironic, because this is the exact position they were in when they split up (down to the tears slipping over their cheeks), but now instead of a goodbye, it feels like a hello.
They stay like that for a long time, kissing softly, breathing each other in. Jeongguk feels like he’s floating, or possibly dreaming, because against all odds he’s here again, wrapped up in Taehyung. He’s not delusional enough to think everything is fixed between them, not by a long shot, but if Taehyung loves him, well - that’s a start.
When Jeongguk tries and fails to stifle a yawn, Taehyung pulls back, smiling gently. “It’s late,” he says, kissing Jeongguk’s forehead. “You should sleep.”
Jeongguk sighs but doesn’t disagree - he’s exhausted, and despite what his body may be saying to the contrary, it’s probably not a good idea for them to have sex tonight. There’s still a lot they need to talk about, a lot of questions that need to be addressed. They can’t just ignore all of that and dive in carelessly like they had in Hawaii.
Taehyung climbs off of him, and Jeongguk stands up with a groan, missing his warmth immediately. God, he is such a needy, clingy fuck when it comes to Taehyung.
“Uh,” Taehyung clears his throat, looking suddenly awkward. “Did you want me to stay? Or I could go to my hotel, if you want.”
Jeongguk frowns, considering. The needy part of him doesn’t want Taehyung going anywhere, but the insecure side of him is shy about voicing that. And then there’s the nasty little voice in the back of his head telling him that Taehyung wants to leave, and if he does, he might not come back.
“I’m not going anywhere unless you ask me to,” Taehyung says finally, when Jeongguk has been silent for an uncomfortably long time. (Oops.) “But you have to be honest with me about what you want, Guk.”
There’s a bigger lesson here, Jeongguk knows. If Taehyung has been the one to leave in the past, Jeongguk has been the one to push him away, to hide his feelings and what he truly wants.
“Stay,” he murmurs, his heart swelling at the relief that washes over Taehyung’s face. “I have a second bedroom.”
Taehyung nods, grabbing his bag and following Jeongguk into the hallway. The guest room doesn’t get much use, but it’s comfortable, and Jeongguk is grateful that his housekeeper always remembers to keep sheets on the bed and a spare set of towels in the dresser. He hovers awkwardly in the doorway while Taehyung puts his things down and gets settled, not totally sure of what to do with himself.
“Do you have everything you need?” he asks eventually.
“Yeah, I’m good,” Taehyung says, padding over to him. “Thanks for letting me stay.”
Jeongguk nods. “I’m glad you’re here.”
“Really?”
He nods again.
“Me too,” Taehyung says, beaming at him. “Talk in the morning?”
“Yeah,” Jeongguk agrees. “Night, Tae.”
Taehyung leans in, pressing a quick kiss to his cheek. When he pulls back, he’s biting his lip shyly and Jeongguk is struggling to remind himself why it’s important that he sleep in his own bed tonight.
“Night,” Taehyung breathes.
Jeongguk backs away, eventually turning and heading into his own room. Too exhausted to even consider showering, he strips off his pants and shirt and collapses on to his bed, mind and heart racing. Now that he’s alone, he lets everything Taehyung had said fully sink in, feels the giddiness wash over him even as he tries not to get too far ahead of himself.
I love you, Jeongguk-ah. I love you, I love you.
He hadn’t been able to say it back, and he assumes Taehyung noticed. It’s not because he doesn’t feel it, and he assumes Taehyung know that too. He just - it had been a lot to take in tonight, a lot of feelings and information to process. Twenty four hours ago - hell, four hours ago - he hadn’t known when he would see or hear from Taehyung again, and now he’s here, spending the night in Jeongguk’s apartment. He’s ecstatic, over the moon, but it’s going to take him a little while to accept this new reality and teach himself how to be vulnerable again.
For now, he just wants Taehyung to still be here when he wakes up.
***
The next morning, Jeongguk finds Taehyung sitting on his couch in a pair of striped, silk pajamas, munching on a bowl of cereal. The sight of him there, looking like he belongs, is enough to reduce Jeongguk’s heart to a sticky mess in his chest.
“Hi,” Taehyung greets him through stuffed cheeks. “Sorry, my body doesn’t know what time it is so I woke up early and raided your kitchen.” He gives an abashed shrug. “Hope that’s okay.”
“Yeah, of course,” Jeongguk nods, composing himself and joining him on the couch.
“How’d you sleep?” Taehyung asks, shoveling another spoonful of cereal into his mouth.
“Well,” Jeongguk says. After all the excitement last night, he’d knocked out pretty hard.
“Good.”
Taehyung leans forward and places his bowl on the glass coffee table, then arranges himself so that he’s sitting cross legged on the couch, facing Jeongguk.
“So,” he says. “Talk?”
And they do. They talk for hours. About their insecurities, the ways they’ve hurt each other, the times they haven’t communicated well in the past. How they felt after Hawaii, what they want for the future, what it would look like for them to be in a relationship together. It’s painful at times, exciting at others, but by the early afternoon Jeongguk feels like a huge weight has been lifted off of him. He knows what they really need now is just the time to prove their words through their actions, but at the very least he feels like they’re on the same page.
“I want to be in a relationship with you,” Taehyung says, watching Jeongguk intently. “Not a secret relationship, not a vacation fling. I want the real deal.”
Jeongguk screams internally and resists the urge to do cartwheels around the room.
“I want that too,” he replies, and then they just smile goofily at each other for a while.
Once they’ve talked themselves out, they pass the rest of the afternoon cuddling on the couch and watching superhero movies. Taehyung dozes in and out, body still adjusting to the time difference, his head drooping onto Jeongguk’s shoulder. Jeongguk revels in the normalcy of it all, because through all their ups and downs over the years, this is one thing they never really had - the chance to act like a regular, boring couple. He thinks he could probably get used to it.
Around dinnertime, his stomach starts rumbling, and he attempts to extricate himself from a sleeping Taehyung without jostling him too much. Even so, he wakes anyway, blinking up at Jeongguk sleepily with an adorable pout on his lips. Jeongguk promptly leans down to kiss it away - because he can, because he wants to - and he feels Taehyung’s soft, pleased smile against his mouth.
“You can keep sleeping,” he says. “I was gonna make dinner.”
Taehyung shakes his head, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “No, it’s okay. I’ll help.”
They don’t make anything too extravagant, just ramen and some vegetables, but it’s nice to just be together, moving around Jeongguk’s kitchen like it’s the most natural thing in the world. Taehyung sets the table while Jeongguk starts the actual cooking, and once he’s done with that he attaches himself to Jeongguk’s back, hooking his chin over his shoulder and watching him work. It’s such a familiar gesture, but Jeongguk gets butterflies every time he thinks about the significance behind it. Taehyung wants to be with him. Taehyung wants to be with him.
The real deal.
They sleep in separate rooms again that night, because while they’ve both agreed to ease back into that part of their relationship, they don’t trust their bodies when it comes to sharing a bed. So Jeongguk leaves Taehyung at the door to his guest room again, but this time with a kiss on the lips that has them both a little breathless. He falls asleep with that same giddiness in his stomach and a little more peace in his mind.
Over the course of the next few days, they take their first, wobbly steps of relearning how to be in a relationship, but this time as adults. Their lives outside of each other haven’t stopped; Jeongguk has meetings about the album and the tour, and Taehyung is still sorting out his move from LA and looking for an apartment to rent, at least temporarily. He’s staying with Jeongguk for the time being, but they’d both agreed that at least starting out, it would make sense for him to have his own place as well. They don’t want to put any unnecessary pressure on themselves while they figure this all out, and going from not speaking to living together is a lot.
There’s also the matter of telling the other members, who they’ve communicated with over text but haven’t seen in person since Taehyung arrived in Korea. Jeongguk assumes that at least Jimin has an inkling of what’s going on, especially since they know Taehyung is here and staying at Jeongguk’s, but it hasn’t been explicitly brought up. He wants to tell them, is excited, even, but it feels like the type of thing that should probably be done in person. They’ve arranged to get dinner all 7 of them this weekend, so he thinks that will be the perfect opportunity to at least broach the subject.
On the fourth morning after Taehyung’s arrival, Jeongguk wakes up to find the apartment eerily quiet. It’s still early, so Taehyung could easily still be sleeping, but a creeping sensation of dread fills his stomach as he gets out of bed and wanders out into the hall. The kitchen and living room are empty, as are his office, the bathrooms, and the game room. He arrives at the guest room last, and the sick feeling in his stomach only grows when he notices the door is ajar. Pushing it open, he finds this room empty as well, the bed perfectly made as if no one had ever been there at all.
Jeongguk starts shaking, knees sinking to the carpeted floor as his mind scrambles to find an explanation. Maybe he went out to run an errand, or to meet a friend, or maybe an apartment had unexpectedly become available for viewing. He couldn’t have just left, he wouldn’t have, not after the past few days, after everything they’d talked about and had been working on. And that’s when an even worse thought occurs to Jeongguk - that he’d made the whole thing up, just another desperate dream about something he’s never going to have.
It had all felt so real, and that makes it a thousand times worse.
He’s trembling violently now, curled in on himself, shouting Taehyung’s name without fully realizing it. He doesn’t understand why he has to be this broken, why he can’t just move on like a fucking normal person. The message is so clear that even his subconscious gets it by now - Taehyung is never going to stay with him.
“Jeongguk!”
And there it is, as if on cue - he’s hearing Taehyung’s voice again, even though he’s not there. A sob rips up his throat, the agony so great that he doesn’t know how much more -
“JEONGGUK!”
Jeongguk gasps into consciousness, his whole body jolting as if an electric shock had sparked through it. It takes him a moment to get his bearings, but when he does, he finds himself in his own bed, face to face with Taehyung. He has one hand smoothing Jeongguk’s hair back from his forehead, the other gripping his upper arm, and he looks absolutely fucking terrified.
“Are you with me?” he asks, concerned eyes darting all over Jeongguk’s face. From the light seeping through Jeongguk’s windows, it seems to be early morning.
It had been a bad dream, Jeongguk realizes. Just a dream. The relief that sweeps through him is so powerful it nearly takes his breath away.
“Fuck,” he croaks, reaching out tentatively to touch Taehyung’s cheek, wanting to be sure he’s real. His skin is soft and warm and solid under Jeongguk’s fingertips. “What are you doing here?”
“You were - uh. You were shouting my name,” Taehyung explains, still looking deeply shaken. “I came in to see what was wrong, and I realized you must be having a nightmare, or something, so I tried to wake you up.”
“Oh,” Jeongguk says dumbly. The more oriented he becomes, the more embarrassed he feels. He’s so strung out that he’s confusing his nightmares with reality, and as a bonus, he’d subjected Taehyung to that. “Sorry,” he mumbles.
“Don’t be,” Taehyung says firmly. He’s lying very close, Jeongguk realizes belatedly, his cheek pressed into the same pillow as Jeongguk. His hands are fussing everywhere, little reassuring touches over Jeongguk’s hair, his ear, his cheek. “Do you want - will you tell me about it?”
Jeongguk doesn’t want to, particularly - he’s still mortified, and he’s not too ecstatic about letting on just how vulnerable he truly is. But in light of everything they’ve talked about over the past few days - the importance of communicating, of honesty - he recognizes that he probably should.
“Umm.” He swallows, cheeks burning. Taehyung stays quiet, watching him patiently while his fingers worry at Jeongguk’s earlobe. He looks ethereal in the pale light of the morning. “I dreamed that I woke up, and you were gone. Or, maybe - that you’d never come in the first place.”
Taehyung huffs out a noise that sounds suspiciously like a sob, eyes wide and so sad that Jeongguk immediately feels guilty. But before he can say anything else, apologize again or possibly crawl into a hole and die, Taehyung starts speaking.
“I’m so sorry, Jeongguk,” he says quietly, releasing Jeongguk’s ear to trail his fingers along his jaw instead. The touch is soothing, anchoring Jeongguk to reality. “I’m right here, yeah? I’m not going anywhere.”
Jeongguk nods, reaching out tentatively and running his hand along Taehyung’s side. He’s still dressed in his sleep shirt, the material rumpled and warm from being in bed. “Please just - don’t leave again,” Jeongguk all but whispers. It’s embarrassing to say out loud, but this is it, really - his most deep-rooted fear when it comes to Taehyung.
“I won’t,” Taehyung responds, voice equally soft. He shuffles closer, brushing their noses together. “Never, okay?”
“Promise?”
Taehyung extends his pinky, hooking it with Jeongguk’s.
“Promise.”
“Okay,” Jeongguk says. “I promise too.”
Taehyung’s eyes are wet when he leans in to kiss Jeongguk, nothing more than a soft press of their lips. It’s scary and emotional for both of them to be this raw and open with each other, but Jeongguk can sense how important it is, how it’s already making them stronger. Their pinkies stay linked in the narrow space between them.
“Want me to spoon you?” Taehyung offers, half-teasing, pressing his thumb into the corner of Jeongguk’s mouth and then replacing it with his lips.
Jeongguk huffs out a laugh. “Okay,” he agrees anyway. He rolls on to his side and Taehyung instantly molds around him, kissing the knob at the top of his spine and draping an arm over his waist. His fingers slip under the hem of Jeongguk’s t-shirt and stroke at his stomach, which in another context Jeongguk might find distracting but right now is just soothing.
“Go back to sleep,” Taehyung mumbles, lips brushing over the back of Jeongguk’s neck as he speaks. “I’ll be here when you wake up.”
When Jeongguk wakes up again a few hours later, the first thing his conscious mind registers is the reassuring warmth of Taehyung’s body, still pressed solidly against his back.
***
Their reunion dinner with the other members takes place in a private room at a restaurant in Seoul, a place they’ve been going to since early in their BTS days. The owners and staff know them well by now, and have always been exceptionally accommodating and discreet about hosting them. It feels like a fitting place to have this type of conversation with the members, even if technically there’s no reason for he and Taehyung to hide anymore. Still, it’s not like he wants the details of his private life broadcasted all over the Internet.
The first half of the dinner is spent primarily with Taehyung catching up with the other members; they fill him in on their lives and he in turn tells them about his press tour for the movie, which had taken him all over the world. He and Jeongguk sit next to each other, and although no one has asked about it explicitly, Jeongguk can feel the other members observing them and can sense their curiosity. He can’t blame them - last they’d heard, he and Taehyung were barely even on speaking terms.
It eventually comes up when they shift to the topic of Taehyung moving back to Seoul. With the exception of Jimin, they all seem surprised to learn that Taehyung had become increasingly unhappy in LA, although it’s clear they’re all ecstatic about his decision to come back. Namjoon is the one to ultimately bring it up, and when he does so, it’s as thoughtful and diplomatic as ever.
“So, Tae,” he says, taking a sip of his beer and then setting it back down on the table. “You’ve been staying at Jeongguk’s while you look for a place?”
Jeongguk can literally feel the attention level of the table perk up, everyone pausing and looking up from their food. It’s kind of endearing, how engaged they all are, and not for the first time Jeongguk feels a little guilty at having put them through so much back and forth.
“Yeah,” Taehyung nods, smiling. Under the table, he takes Jeongguk’s hand and it gives it a squeeze, keeping their fingers tangled.
“And that’s been... good?” Namjoon asks cautiously.
Jeongguk almost snorts audibly at the question. His poor friends, they’re probably so fucking confused at this point.
“It has,” Taehyung confirms, glancing sideways at Jeongguk. Jeongguk stares back at him in the way he’s often inclined to do when Taehyung speaks, just taking in the way he talks like the lovesick idiot he is. “We’ve been - ah, figuring stuff out? But yeah, it’s been good. Or I mean - I think so, at least.”
All eyes turn to Jeongguk, snapping him out of his Taehyung-induced reverie. “Good,” he repeats, when he realizes he should probably say something. Everyone laughs, but Taehyung just gives him the brightest, sweetest smile, squeezing his hand again. “I mean - yeah. It’s been really good.”
“I’m really happy to hear that,” Namjoon says, beaming at them.
“Are you two holding hands under the table?” Hoseok interjects, face a little flushed from the alcohol. Taehyung lifts up their joined hands in confirmation, smiling sheepishly, and Hoseok claps in delight. “Oh my god, that’s so fucking cute, I’m gonna die.”
The whole table bursts into laughter at that, and Jeongguk can’t help but join them. It’s all a little embarrassing, sure, but the warmth of their reaction and the love behind it makes him feel indescribably happy and relieved. They never hid things from their hyungs because they doubted their acceptance, but it’s incredibly freeing to finally be completely open with them.
“We also want you guys to know we’re behind you 100%,” Yoongi says when the giggling has subsided. “Whatever you decide, however public you want to be.”
Jeongguk swallows, warmth filling his chest at the way the others all nod in agreement.
“Are you sure?” Taehyung asks seriously. “It’s going to affect all of you if and when we do our reunion.”
This is something the two of them have talked about - BTS as a band is still technically on hiatus, and coming back with two members who were previously assumed to be straight now dating each other will almost certainly have implications for how they’re received. Progress has definitely been made since the first time they were together, but it’s clear there’s still a long way to go. Jeongguk and Taehyung are prepared to face the backlash if it means not having to hide anymore, but they both know it’s a lot to task of the other members.
“Absolutely sure,” Yoongi responds firmly. “We won’t do the reunion if you guys can’t be open. That’s all there is to it.”
Jeongguk and Taehyung both gape at him, speechless. This is more generous than they had even dared to hope.
“Hyung - ” Jeongguk stammers out, his throat suddenly swollen.
“It’s not up for debate, Guk-ah,” Namjoon says, cutting him off gently. “We’ve made our decision, we know where we stand.”
“We’re with you,” Jimin adds. “We’ll protect you.”
“Fuck, you guys are going to make me cry,” Taehyung mumbles, wiping at his eyes with his free hand. “I - wow.”
“Thank you,” Jeongguk rasps out. His heart is so full he thinks it might explode any minute now.
“Just be happy, yeah?” Seokjin says. “Don’t fuck it up again.”
Jimin smacks him, but Jeongguk and Taehyung both let out rueful, sniffling laughs, glancing at each other.
“We won’t,” Jeongguk promises, and Taehyung nods in agreement, reaching out to ruffle the back of his hair.
“Good,” Seokjin says, nodding. “Now that that’s settled, can we cut the waterworks? I think everyone needs to take another drink.”
Jimin and Hoseok cheer, and they all laugh again, lifting their drinks.
“To Taehyung and Jeongguk!” Seokjin cries as they clink their glasses together.
“Best unit,” Taehyung murmurs in Jeongguk’s ear, and then they both knock back their drinks.
By the time dinner is over, Jeongguk is very happy, very full, and also, possibly, just a touch drunker than he had planned on being. Something about being with Taehyung with all the other members around had made it all feel so real, and that made Jeongguk so fucking happy, and okay, maybe he went a little overboard on celebrating that. It’s been a while since he felt this good, okay? Sue him.
The other thing about this, though, is that when Jeongguk get drunk, he gets clingy. And now that he’s allowed to be clingy with Taehyung - well.
“Guk,” Taehyung laughs, stumbling forward a little because Jeongguk has draped most of his body weight over his back. They’re standing in the private foyer outside Jeongguk’s apartment, finally away from prying eyes. “Babe, you have to let go of me so we can unlock the door.”
Rather than let go, Jeongguk chooses to swoon over the use of the pet name instead, nosing at the back of Taehyung’s neck. “Babe,” he repeats happily. “Babe, babe, babe.”
Taehyung huffs out another laugh, finally wresting his arms out from under Jeongguk’s hold. Jeongguk pouts at this until he realizes Taehyung can’t see his face, then settles for whining instead.
“Where are your keys?” Taehyung prompts, ignoring him.
“Back pocket,” Jeongguk mumbles into the space behind Taehyung’s ear, not missing the way Taehyung shivers slightly. “Ha, hyung, you touched my butt.”
Taehyung snorts loudly at this, withdrawing his hand (and the keys) from the back pocket of Jeongguk’s jeans and smacking his ass lightly. “Oh my god, you are unbelievable right now.”
As soon as they’re inside, Jeongguk presses Taehyung up against the wall beside the door, kissing him eagerly. Vaguely, he remembers that they’re supposed to be taking it slow, or something, but Taehyung is so pretty and he smells so good and Jeongguk is only human, isn’t he? He can’t help it that his body responds to Taehyung this way. It’s science.
His hands find their way under Taehyung’s shirt, fingers teasing at the soft skin of his waist in a way that makes him gasp into Jeongguk’s mouth. Jeongguk takes advantage of this to nudge his tongue past Taehyung’s lips, pressing closer, closer until their hips are flush. This is the most heated things have gotten between them since Taehyung has been back, and God, Jeongguk wants him so bad.
“Wait, Guk,” Taehyung says, making Jeongguk whimper in protest when he pulls his mouth away. “Slow down, yeah? You’re drunk.”
“Am not,” Jeongguk retorts, attaching his mouth to Taehyung’s neck instead. This is a flagrant lie, but Taehyung doesn’t need to know that.
Taehyung laughs, a little breathless, and Jeongguk feels immensely smug. “Are too,” he teases, slipping his fingers into Jeongguk’s hair and gently tugging him away from his neck.
“Hyung,” Jeongguk whines, pouting. He keeps his hands fitted around Taehyung’s waist, relishing the feeling of bare skin. “C’mon. Don’t you want to?”
“Of course,” Taehyung breathes, his voice still a little unsteady. “So much.” He bites his lip, looking suddenly shy. “But you are drunk, and I dunno - I just feel like we should be sober for this. It’s our last first time, y’know?”
The arousal in Jeongguk’s stomach is rapidly replaced with swooping butterflies while Taehyung continues to watch him anxiously.
“Fuck,” he says. “That’s so romantic, fuck.”
Taehyung laughs outright at this, head dropping back against the wall. Jeongguk laughs too, nuzzling into his neck and wrapping him up in a hug.
“Come on, you sap,” Taehyung says. “Let’s get you some water and get you to bed.”
Jeongguk sighs but allows Taehyung to take him by the hand and tow him into the kitchen. Under the dim overhead lighting, he messes up Taehyung’s hair while Taehyung pours them both a glass of water, then follows him into the dark hallway leading to their bedrooms. They stop outside of Jeongguk’s room, and Taehyung takes his face in his hands and kisses him chastely but firmly.
“For the record,” Taehyung hums, still close to his mouth, hands dropping to his ass and giving it a squeeze. “I’m really looking forward to our last first time.”
Jeongguk groans.
***
“Sorry for being a horny, drunk disaster last night,” Jeongguk mumbles over breakfast the next morning.
Thanks to Taehyung’s insistence that he drink water before bed, he’d woken up with only a mild hangover. Sadly, that hadn’t been enough to wash the memory of his failed advances on Taehyung from his mind, and now that he’s sober, he’s also mortified.
“You were cute,” Taehyung assures him, patting his hand.
“Ugh,” Jeongguk groans, dropping his forehead on to the counter. “This is so embarrassing.”
“C’mon, stop,” Taehyung says, rubbing his back. “It’s not like I wasn’t into it too.”
Jeongguk perks up at this, turning so that his cheek rests against the counter and he can observe Taehyung with one eye. “Really?”
“Really,” Taehyung confirms. “Drunk Jeongguk is a menace, but he’s still unfairly sexy. Drunk Taehyung wouldn’t have stood a chance.”
Jeongguk preens a little at this, lifting his head fully. “Still. Sorry for putting you in that position.”
Taehyung shrugs, waving his hand dismissively. “It’s fine. I mostly just didn’t want you to do something you’d regret.”
Jeongguk swallows. “I’d never regret being with you, Tae.”
Taehyung’s eyes go wide, and he bites down on a pleased smile that makes Jeongguk’s insides feel warm and gooey. “Me neither,” he says softly. “And just so we’re totally clear - no rush, or pressure, but. I’m ready. Whenever you are.”
The words sink in slowly, heat curling in Jeongguk’s stomach and diffusing through his entire body. He’s glad they hadn’t immediately fallen into bed together when Taehyung showed up at his door, but with each passing day, he’s been thinking about it more and more. It’s kind of a miracle that he’s spent this long with a willing Taehyung in his home and hasn’t gotten naked with him yet, to be honest. It’s given them the time and clarity they needed to focus on other things, but yeah - Jeongguk’s not sure how much longer he’s going to last. Especially now that Taehyung has explicitly said that he’s ready.
“Okay,” he nods, trying to appear cool and collected and almost certainly failing. “Uh - good to know.”
Taehyung laughs fondly, shaking his head, and their conversation gradually wanders on to other things.
Still, the seed has been planted, and it’s all Jeongguk can think about over the next few days. Taehyung is just so beautiful, whether he’s soft and fluffy-haired in the morning or dressed up to go out with Jeongguk at night. And Jeongguk, as usual, is completely lovestruck, can’t take his eyes off Taehyung even as he tries to keep his hands to himself. He doesn’t really know what he’s waiting for, at this point - maybe just a moment that feels right. It’s not like this is anything they haven’t done before, but like Taehyung had said, this is their last first time. He wants it to happen organically, naturally - when it’s supposed to.
A few days later, Taehyung finds an apartment. It’s just a couple of blocks from Jeongguk’s, less than a ten minute walk, which is convenient for personal and work related reasons. And it’s a month to month lease, already furnished, so that if and when he and Jeongguk decide they’re ready to officially move in together, they won’t have to wait very long.
Jeongguk is with him when he finds it, and he can see immediately why it appeals to Taehyung - it’s bright and airy, not unlike his place in LA, with big windows that offer a scenic view of the city. There’s also a comfortable living room with a massive TV, perfect for gaming and anime marathons, and a bathroom with amazing acoustics for singing in the shower (and possibly for other activities, not that Jeongguk is thinking about those while they’re standing there with the realtor. Not at all.)
They have a celebratory dinner at Jeongguk’s apartment that night, even though privately Jeongguk is freaking out a little at the prospect of Taehyung moving out. He knows this is what they talked about, knows it’s the mature, responsible decision, but he can’t shake his anxiety that things will somehow shift between them when Taehyung leaves. The past two weeks have been so incredible, and it scares him to think about anything that could burst this little bubble they’ve been living in. The lease doesn’t start until the following month, so they still have another two weeks of being roommates, but even that seems like a disconcertingly short amount of time now.
He does his best to put on a brave face at dinner, since it is a great place and Taehyung seems genuinely excited. Still, Taehyung being Taehyung, it doesn’t take him long to pick up on the fact that something is wrong.
“Hey, you okay?” he asks, perched on the kitchen counter while Jeongguk finishes putting the last of the dishes in the dishwasher.
Jeongguk glances up at him as he towels off his hands, finds him sporting a slightly furrowed brow and a frown. “Yeah, all good,” he lies. He knows it’s wrong of him, but he doesn’t want to bring down Taehyung’s good mood or make him feel guilty.
Taehyung arches an eyebrow, nudging Jeongguk’s leg with his foot. “Not sure I believe you.”
Jeongguk sighs, and Taehyung watches him expectantly. “It’s just - I don’t want you to leave,” he admits.
“Don’t want me to or are scared of?” Taehyung presses, cocking his head.
Jeongguk considers this. “Both, I guess.” He bites his lip, staring at the cabinet behind Taehyung’s head and feeling just a touch pathetic. “Mostly scared.”
“Guk-ah,” Taehyung says softly, extending his arms towards him. Jeongguk steps forward, into the space between Taehyung’s legs, and presses his face against his neck.
“It’s just a few blocks away,” Taehyung says consolingly, playing with Jeongguk’s hair. “I’ll still be here all the time. You can’t get rid of me that easily, Jeon.”
Jeongguk can’t help but laugh a little at this, pulling back to face Taehyung. “I know,” he concedes. “I just feel like you only just got here.”
“I’ll still be here,” Taehyung reminds him gently, fingers twining in the hair at the back of his neck. “I’m leaving your apartment, not you, yeah?”
“Yeah,” Jeongguk nods, swallowing. He runs his hands up Taehyung’s thighs, settling on his hips and pulling him closer.
Taehyung leans in, pressing their lips together more firmly than Jeongguk had expected. “If anything, we’re gaining more surfaces to do this on,” he adds teasingly.
Jeongguk huffs out a laugh, grabbing the back of his head and kissing him again. Gradually, he’s learning to accept the idea that Taehyung isn’t going anywhere - he just needs a little reminder sometimes. Like, for instance, having Taehyung pressed close against him, mouth moving against his eagerly. That’s a great reminder.
“Shower has great acoustics too,” Jeongguk points out, prompting Taehyung to burst out laughing against his lips.
“Jeon Jeongguk,” he gasps, mock offended. “Are you propositioning me?”
“Maybe,” Jeongguk grins, hooking his hands under the backs of Taehyung’s knees until his legs wrap around Jeongguk’s waist. Their faces are barely an inch apart, Taehyung watching him with the most delighted, vaguely aroused expression on his face. “Actually, definitely. I am definitely, absolutely - ”
He’s interrupted by the sound of his own phone ringing, the ringtone that he has set for his mom specifically. Jeongguk groans, because they’ve been playing phone tag for days and he knows he should be a good son and answer her call, but also Taehyung. Taehyung and his long legs that are currently squeezing Jeongguk’s hips in the most enticing way.
“Take it,” Taehyung says, giving Jeongguk a last kiss and then releasing him. “You keep missing her.”
Jeongguk huffs reluctantly, and Taehyung swats his ass lightly, hopping off the counter. Pointing both thumbs back at himself, he starts backing out of the kitchen. “Not going anywhere, remember?”
Jeongguk can’t quite wipe the fond smile off of his face as he answers the phone.
In the end, he’s grateful for the chance to talk to his mom, even if it does keep him away from Taehyung for a little while. It’s not as bad as it was during their BTS days, but he still doesn’t get to see or speak to his family as much as he should, so these rare moments are important and special. They end up chatting for almost an hour, catching up on family and personal news, his dad grabbing the phone to say hi at one point. When he mentions that Taehyung is back in Korea and staying with him, she makes a pleased noise of surprise.
“That explains why you sound so happy,” she says slyly, and Jeongguk blushes even though there’s no one around to see him.
They eventually say goodbye, exchanging promises that both he and Taehyung will visit as soon as possible. The idea excites him - his family obviously knows Taehyung, and Jeongguk thinks they’ve always suspected there was something special between them, even if they never spoke about it outright. But to bring him home as his boyfriend, to be totally open and act like a normal couple - the prospect of that makes him almost giddily happy.
Shutting off the lights in the kitchen, he wanders down the hallway to the guest room, finds Taehyung cross-legged in bed sketching. He looks so focused and peaceful that Jeongguk almost doesn’t want to disturb him, but eventually he glances up on his own, smiling brightly when he spots Jeongguk hovering in the doorway.
“Hi,” he greets, setting his sketchbook aside. He looks impossibly soft and inviting in the gentle glow of the bedside lamp, and Jeongguk feels some of the heat from earlier flare up in his stomach. “Good talk with your mom?”
Jeongguk nods, leaning against the doorframe and directing his thoughts back to the conversation at hand. “Yeah, it was good to catch up. She wants us to come visit soon.”
“Like... us, together?” Taehyung asks, eyes widening.
“Yeah,” Jeongguk confirms, nodding again. He feels suddenly nervous, wondering if he’s getting ahead of himself. “I mean, if that’s - ”
“I’d love that,” Taehyung interrupts, beaming.
“Oh,” Jeongguk says, relieved. “Then, good.” He continues to stand awkwardly in the doorway, eager to pick up where they left off earlier but also hesitant to draw Taehyung away from his sketching. “Well, uh, goodnight, I gue- ”
“Guk.”
Taehyung’s voice is soft but firm, a shade of intent behind it that echoes the way his eyes are boring into Jeongguk from his perch on the bed. All at once, Jeongguk finds himself taking a few, long strides across the room, clambering over the foot of the bed until he’s hovering over Taehyung, who is now leaning back against the pillows. He peppers kisses along Taehyung’s neck, his jaw, his mouth, shudders when he feels Taehyung rise up to meet him, his hands slipping under the back of Jeongguk’s shirt.
“She said I sounded happy,” he breathes suddenly, because he feels like Taehyung should know. “My mom.”
Taehyung stills, blinking up at him. His fingers rest lightly on Jeongguk’s lower back. “Are you?” he asks, sounding at once anxious and hopeful.
Jeongguk loves him so much he feels like he could burst with it.
“I’m so happy,” he admits, his voice quiet. It’s still difficult to acknowledge the strength of his feelings, but he’s done trying to hide it.
“Me too,” Taehyung tells him, smile radiant as he hooks an arm around the back of Jeongguk’s neck and pulls him down for another kiss. “You make me so happy, Jeongguk.”
With a swelling heart, Jeongguk surges into him, dropping down to his elbows so that more of his weight rests on top of Taehyung. For all the intimacy they’ve shared in the past two weeks, this is the first time they’ve been truly horizontal together, and Jeongguk feels like a teenager all over again, heart racing at the implication behind it. He doubts he’ll ever find a purer bliss than having Taehyung’s long body stretched out beneath his, feeling the way he moves and responds to Jeongguk’s touch.
“I love you,” Taehyung murmurs against his lips, and wait, scratch that - this is the purest bliss he’s ever known. The way Taehyung says it so openly, so intently, with one hand in Jeongguk’s hair and the other pushing further up his back, taking his shirt with it. God, Jeongguk could get used to this.
“I love you too,” he replies hoarsely, kissing Taehyung harder, deeper, feeling like he could sink into his skin and it still wouldn’t be as close as he wants to be. He’s acutely aware of the fact that this is the first time he’s spoken those words to Taehyung since he was 20 years old, and from the choked off gasp that Taehyung lets out, he knows it too. His hold on Jeongguk tightens, kisses turning more urgent, and Jeongguk wonders if he’s been privately worrying about this, afraid Jeongguk doesn’t feel it back.
“I love you, Tae,” he says again, because he fucking wants to, the way Taehyung whimpers into his mouth making him want to repeat it over and over again. He runs a hand along Taehyung’s thigh, hitching it up against his waist, arousal zipping through him when he feels Taehyung’s growing hardness brush against his own.
Abruptly, he pulls back, sitting back on his heels as the material of his shirt falls down around his waist again. Taehyung looks a little lost, blinking in dazed confusion and pouting as he shifts up to his elbows, reaching for Jeongguk again. “Jeonggukie - ”
“Tae,” Jeongguk cuts him off, catching Taehyung’s wrist and holding it still. “Stay with me tonight? In my bed?”
There’s a beat while his words sink in, and then Taehyung is scrambling up to his knees, grabbing Jeongguk’s face and trying to kiss him even as he nods frantically. “Yes,” he says over and over again, kissing him breathlessly, and all Jeongguk can do is kiss him back and laugh in disbelief at the beauty of this moment. He slips backwards off the bed, pulling Taehyung with him and lifting him up with hands under the backs of his thighs. He comes as easily as ever, hooking his ankles around Jeongguk’s lower back and angling his jaw up so they can continue to kiss. This is how they find their way to Jeongguk’s bedroom, mouths still sealed together and crashing into several hard surfaces because they can’t be bothered to watch where they’re going.
They quite literally tip over on to Jeongguk’s bed, Taehyung scooting up the mattress as Jeongguk crawls after him, kissing any part of Taehyung his lips can reach. Even though Taehyung has been living in his home for the past two weeks, Jeongguk still can’t quite believe he has him in his bed right now, eager and wanting. After all the nights spent feeling pathetic and alone, the nights sleeping next to virtual strangers, the nights where he came shamefully into his own fist with Taehyung on his mind - after all that, they’re finally here together. For good, he hopes.
This is what’s on his mind as he pushes up the fabric of Taehyung’s T-shirt, dips his tongue into Taehyung’s bellybutton and smiles at the half gasp, half giggle that he lets out. Everything about him is familiar in the best way possible - the softness of his skin, the sounds he makes, the way he smells. In Hawaii, that same familiarity had been sad on some level, a taste of something he had longed for but could never fully have. Now, though - now it just feels like he’s finally coming home.
He spends enough time sucking marks into Taehyung’s stomach that Taehyung gets impatient, pushing Jeongguk’s face away with a laugh as he sits up and tugs his own shirt off. They undress slowly from there, letting their hands wander, pausing to kiss and mumble nonsense into each other’s mouths. Jeongguk is burning up from the inside out with each new inch of skin that becomes accessible to him, but he doesn’t want to rush it, doesn’t want this memory to become just a frantic quickie. He can tell Taehyung feels the same way from the way he touches him, tender and exploratory, adoring. After all, if this is what Jeongguk thinks it is, they’ve got all the time in the world.
By the time they’re fully naked, Jeongguk is shaking. He’s not even nervous, really, just overcome with emotion and arousal, with the need to feel Taehyung everywhere, all at once. He keeps getting lost just staring at him, watches his cheeks and chest flush a pretty pink whenever Jeongguk’s gaze lingers for too long. He can’t help it - it’s been over a decade and Taehyung is still the most exquisite thing he’s ever laid eyes on.
“You’re so beautiful,” he says, breathless, goosebumps rising on his skin as Taehyung skims his fingers up his sides. His dick is almost painfully hard at this point, and he feels his self-control slipping rapidly. “God, Tae, I - ”
“What do you want?” Taehyung asks softly, anchoring him with a hand in his hair.
That’s a difficult question to answer, especially when Jeongguk wants anything and everything Taehyung is willing to give him.
“I just wanna see you,” he murmurs, too overwhelmed to articulate much else.
Taehyung nods, biting his lip and observing Jeongguk thoughtfully. “Flip us?”
Jeongguk complies immediately, slipping an arm under Taehyung’s back and rolling them over. He sinks back into the pillows as Taehyung straddles his hips, shuddering a little when Taehyung’s ass settles directly over his groin.
“Want me?” Taehyung asks, rolling his hips down slightly. His eyes are dark when he leans forward, hands coming down on either side of Jeongguk’s head.
“Always,” Jeongguk gasps out, clutching at Taehyung’s waist and pulling him down harder. “Tae - ”
“S’okay,” Taehyung shushes him. “I want you more.”
Not possible, Jeongguk thinks, but the words set him groaning all the same, adding a sort of frenzied desperation to his movements.
Taehyung moves a hand to Jeongguk’s hip, stilling him. “Baby,” he murmurs, reducing Jeongguk to a gooey, lovesick mess. When they were younger, the term had been reserved only for their softest, most vulnerable moments. “Where do you keep - ?”
Jeongguk gestures vaguely in the direction of his bedside table, and Taehyung stretches over him to reach it, putting the whole length of his body on glorious display. Jeongguk takes advantage of this new position to run his hand appreciatively over Taehyung’s ass, squeezing it a little and earning a surprised squeak in response.
Neither of them comment on the fact that the bottle of lube is essentially untouched, but Jeongguk sees the way Taehyung’s eyes linger on it and hears the shake in his voice when he presses it into Jeongguk’s palm. Suddenly, he’s grateful that’s he’s barely slept with anyone since Hawaii, because it’s making this moment more special for the two of them.
“Open me up,” Taehyung murmurs into his mouth, voice deep, and Jeongguk sits up so quickly he nearly smacks their heads together.
Taehyung works himself up on to his thighs, looping his arms around Jeongguk’s neck to keep his balance. His mouth falls open as Jeongguk presses the first slick finger inside of him, brow furrowing as he adjusts to the stretch. And then Jeongguk gets to watch and hear and feel him come undone, his grip tightening on Jeongguk’s shoulders and his breath hot and hitching in Jeongguk’s ear. Jeongguk keeps his free arm wrapped around Taehyung’s waist, holding him close and helping to support his weight. It’s incredibly intimate - the press of Taehyung’s chest against his, the way his body trembles with each brush of Jeongguk’s fingers.
When he’s ready, Taehyung wordlessly takes the lube from Jeongguk, pouring some on his palm and reaching between them to wrap his hand around Jeongguk’s length. Jeongguk’s vision whites out for a second, groaning when he looks down and sees Taehyung’s long fingers stroking him off. With his other hand, Taehyung reaches behind himself and circles Jeongguk’s wrist, urging him to pull his fingers out.
“Ready?” Taehyung asks, releasing Jeongguk’s cock and positioning himself over it. His hair falls over his forehead as he looks down at Jeongguk, eyes expressive as ever.
Despite the intensity of the moment, Jeongguk’s lips quirk up slightly as he nods. “Last first time.”
Taehyung snorts, ducking his head to kiss him. “Let’s make it count, yeah?”
“Yeah,” Jeongguk agrees, keeping their lips pressed together as he takes Taehyung’s hips and guides him down on to his cock. He feels Taehyung’s mouth open wider against his, a whimper escaping once Jeongguk is all the way inside of him. Jeongguk is pretty sure he’s died and gone to heaven, because that’s what Taehyung feels like around him.
“Oh, fuck,” Taehyung gasps, dropping his forehead against Jeongguk’s. He lifts himself up and then slides back down, Jeongguk rocking his hips up to meet him. “Fuck, Jeongguk, I love you, I love you - ”
And it’s just, this is everything Jeongguk has ever wanted for as long as he can remember - to have Taehyung’s body, of course, but also his heart. To be wanted back, to be loved back by this man who has held the keys to his soul since he was fifteen. He had spent a long time thinking he would never get to have this, and a part of him still can’t believe it’s actually happening.
Jeongguk groans, pulling Taehyung’s chin down so that he can kiss him. “I love you too,” he says raggedly, and feels Taehyung’s fingers dig harder into his shoulders.
Their bodies move in time, a familiarity so deeply ingrained that even years apart couldn’t erase it. Jeongguk bites into Taehyung’s shoulder, licks at his neck, grabs a fistful of his ass and pulls him down more forcefully as they pick up the pace. Taehyung’s thighs are trembling with exertion, but he shakes his head when Jeongguk offers to flip them again, just drops down harder and throws his head back in pleasure.
“Oh god,” he pants out, a delirious grin on his face. He rocks his hips again and Jeongguk is sure to keep himself at the same angle, eager to hit that same spot. “Fuck, Guk, yeah, right there, oh - ”
Taehyung’s cock is leaking freely between them, smearing over their stomachs with every thrust. At this point, Jeongguk doesn’t know what’s turning him on more - the hot, heady drag against his cock, or the unique privilege of watching Taehyung completely lose it. Nothing’s ever gotten him going quite like witnessing the effect he can have on Taehyung.
“You’re so fucking sexy,” Jeongguk blurts out, practically choking when Taehyung clenches tighter around him. “So gorgeous, Taehyung.”
Taehyung whimpers, the flush on his cheeks deepening at Jeongguk’s words. Jeongguk can’t get enough of him, revels in the feeling of skin beneath his hands as he grips Taehyung’s hips and fucks up into him as hard as he can. Holding him in place, he drives into him again and again, feeling particularly grateful for the ab exercises that give him the stamina to do this. All he wants right now is to make Taehyung feel good, and he thinks he’s succeeding from the staccato pace of the moans he lets out while he bounces on Jeongguk’s dick.
“Guk,” Taehyung gasps, shifting forward and trying to rub his cock against Jeongguk’s stomach. “Guk, Guk, I - ”
“Touch yourself,” Jeongguk grits out, practically seeing stars as he tries to hold off his own orgasm. “Wanna feel you come.”
Taehyung barely brushes a thumb over the head of his cock before he’s crying out, shuddering as he comes all over both of their stomachs. Jeongguk vaguely registers Taehyung going limp above him, but he’s already coming too, his dick completely capitulating at the way Taehyung’s hole had tightened around him.
He collapses backwards, taking Taehyung with him, bodies still humming with the aftershocks of their orgasms. It’s a little while before either of them can move again, but eventually Taehyung starts dropping kisses all over his face, making Jeongguk laugh as he loosely links his fingers around the small of Taehyung’s back. When it gets to be uncomfortable, they extricate themselves and clean up in Jeongguk’s bathroom, wiping each other off lazily, carefully.
Jeongguk catches the flicker of hesitation on Taehyung’s face when they step back into his bedroom, but before he can say anything Jeongguk pulls him into his side, kissing his temple and tugging him over to the bed. They crawl under the covers and cuddle up together, lying face to face. Jeongguk feels like he’s floating.
“Love you,” Taehyung hums, his eyes fluttering shut, and yeah, Jeongguk is never going to get sick of hearing that.
Taken by a sudden idea, he leans forward, kissing Taehyung’s forehead and smiling at the happy little sigh he makes. Then, just like he had done on New Year’s Eve and later in Hawaii, he trails his mouth to the skin below Taehyung’s eye, and finally to the corner of his mouth. By the time he gets there, Taehyung’s eyes are wide open again, watching him in a way that suggests he knows exactly what Jeongguk is doing. Taehyung turns his face to meet him for a kiss, and Jeongguk can’t believe how far they’ve come.
“Love you,” he murmurs back, and they fall asleep just like that.
***
When Jeongguk wakes up in the early hours of the following morning, the bed beside him is empty. He sits up, looking around frantically, and is about to slip into a full scale panic attack when he hears the toilet in his bathroom flush.
Relieved, embarrassed, and feeling like a bit of an idiot, he drops back down, closing his eyes again and trying to even out his breathing. He pretends to be asleep as the door to the bathroom opens, followed by the sound of Taehyung padding barefoot over the carpeted floor. The bed dips under his weight and then he’s right there, slipping a leg between Jeongguk’s and draping an arm over his waist.
He presses a kiss to Jeongguk’s temple before snuggling back down into his own pillow, and Jeongguk falls back asleep with a smile on his lips.
***
Two weeks later finds Jeongguk and Taehyung standing in the middle of Taehyung’s new apartment, surrounded by cardboard boxes. The apartment had come fully furnished, which made the moving process much less of a headache, but they still had all of Taehyung’s clothes and other personal items to sort through. Helping him get settled had calmed some of Jeongguk’s anxiety about him moving out in the first place, though, so he’ll take it.
Surprising absolutely no one, Taehyung keeps getting distracted by the things he pulls out of the boxes, trying on old outfits and dragging Jeongguk over to look at pictures or other knickknacks from their BTS days. Right now he’s wearing that ridiculous zip-up shark sweatshirt that Jeongguk privately thinks should be burned, pulling things out of one of the boxes without actually putting any of it away.
“Tae,” Jeongguk sighs, looking over from where he’s been hanging things in Taehyung’s closet. “Maybe find a home for some of that stuff before you unpack the whole box?”
“I’m looking for something,” Taehyung says distractedly, waving him off as he continues to rifle through the box.
Jeongguk gives another sigh of resignation and returns his attention to the closet. Someone around here has to be productive, otherwise they’re going to be unpacking all night.
“Found it!” Taehyung cries triumphantly a little while later. “Jeonggukie, look how cute we are.”
Jeongguk glances over his shoulder and finds Taehyung holding up a framed photograph of the two of them. It’s old, judging by their hair and how young they look, possibly even from before they were dating. Their faces are bare, and their cheeks are smushed together, secured in place by the arm Taehyung has locked around Jeongguk’s neck. Taehyung is grinning that big, boxy grin of his and Jeongguk looks shy but giddily happy, probably because he was touching Taehyung.
“It’s my favorite,” Taehyung informs him, and Jeongguk’s heart gives a jump of approval.
“We look like babies,” Jeongguk laughs.
Taehyung nods, observing the picture. “Yeah, it’s a good thing you got hotter.”
Jeongguk makes an indignant noise, but Taehyung just laughs and quiets him with a kiss on the cheek.
Later, Jeongguk notices the picture on Taehyung’s bedside table, right beside one of Taehyung and his family. He pretends not to see it, but his heart does that jumping thing again as they move on to the living room boxes.
A few hours later, they collapse on the couch in Taehyung’s living room, most of the boxes now emptied. Jeongguk is looking for an excuse not to go back to his own apartment at this point - he doesn’t like the idea of being there without Taehyung.
“Wanna stay over?” Taehyung asks, as if reading his mind. He’s sitting with his back propped against the armrest of the couch, long legs stretching out towards Jeongguk. “Order takeout, christen a few surfaces?”
He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively, pulling at the zipper of his hoodie so that a bit of bare skin appears. Of course he’s not wearing a shirt underneath, of course.
Taehyung squeals when Jeongguk grabs his ankles, tugging until he’s laying all the way down on the couch. His legs fall apart easily, and really, Jeongguk is so fucking gone for him.
“Nah, I was thinking of going home and jerking off alone,” Jeongguk teases, crawling over Taehyung and settling between his legs.
“Mm, sounds hot,” Taehyung snorts, grinning when Jeongguk yanks the zipper of his hoodie all the way down. It falls open and Jeongguk dives in, kissing across his chest. “How about a live show?”
Jeongguk rolls his eyes, laughing as he sits back and reaches for the waistband of Taehyung’s sweats.
“Wait!” Taehyung cries suddenly, grabbing his wrist.
Jeongguk looks up at him expectantly, and Taehyung fishes around in his pocket, ultimately extracting something shiny. When he holds out his hand, Jeongguk sees a small, silver key sitting in his palm.
“Before I lose it in the couch cushions,” he says. “I had an extra copy made for you.”
Jeongguk stares down at the key, suddenly feeling alarmingly close to bursting into tears. Taehyung is acting nonchalant about it, but Jeongguk can tell he’s nervous, and he also knows that this was a gesture made largely to soothe his nerves about Taehyung getting his own place. It means a lot to him.
“Wow,” he manages to choke out, taking the key and inspecting it reverently. “Tae - thank you.”
“‘Course,” Taehyung says, beaming. “Make sure you get good use out of it.”
Jeongguk nods, pulling his key ring out of his own pocket and slipping the key on carefully. “My spare is yours to keep, by the way,” he says. “I’m having another one made just in case.”
“I was hoping you would say that,” Taehyung admits, smiling. He bumps his heel lightly against Jeongguk’s ass. “Look at us, Jeonggukie. It’s almost like we’re the real deal.”
“I like it,” Jeongguk says, leaning back over him and kissing his neck. “A lot.”
“Mm, me too,” Taehyung hums. His stomach rumbles, and Jeongguk laughs, sliding down Taehyung’s body to kiss the skin there too.
“Hungry?”
“Starved, wanna order food before we get back to defiling the couch?”
They manage to fit in a round of blow jobs before the delivery even arrives.
***
A few weeks after Taehyung moves out, Jeongguk walks into his own apartment and finds his boyfriend (!) sitting on the living room couch, laptop beside him and cheeks red and puffy. It seems pretty clear that he’s been crying, and Jeongguk immediately rushes over to him in concern.
“Tae!” he cries, dropping down beside Taehyung and taking his face in his hands. “What’s wrong, are you okay?”
Taehyung sniffs, nodding. “I just” - he hiccups - “I was listening to your album.”
Jeongguk frowns, perplexed. “...My album made you upset?” When Taehyung nods, Jeongguk tries for a joke. “That bad, huh?”
“No!” Taehyung exclaims, shaking his head vehemently. “No, it’s so good, I love - your voice, it makes feel calm - ” he cuts off, letting out a choked sob.
Jeongguk is very confused.
“Shh, babe, that’s a good thing, right?” he asks, stroking Taehyung’s hair soothingly.
Taehyung hiccups again, wiping at his tears. “It’s just - the album, it’s about, I mean - am I - ?”
He looks at Jeongguk searchingly, and Jeongguk thinks he’s starting to get an idea of what’s going on here.
“It’s about you, yeah,” he acknowledges. It occurs to him that other than that brief exchange at Taehyung’s premiere, they’ve never really talked about this. “Or us, I guess.”
“I hurt you so much,” Taehyung whispers, looking devastated. “I made you think I didn’t love you back - ”
He’s getting more and more worked up, and Jeongguk decides to intervene before he starts hyperventilating.
“Tae, stop it,” Jeongguk says. Taehyung closes his mouth, then opens it again. “I mean it, stop.”
It’s strange to think about, how not so long ago Jeongguk had still been heartbroken over Taehyung. With Taehyung’s help, he’s working on repairing the damage, but the shadows from that time still linger - the pain, the doubts, the insecurities. They both know it will take time to fully heal, but they’re making progress every day. Jeongguk doesn’t feel resentment or bitterness towards Taehyung, though - he understands now how they were both at fault, and that Taehyung is truly sorry for his part in what had happened.
“Look, we both acknowledged that we hurt each other, okay?” Jeongguk says. “But that’s in the past now. I don’t want you to carry that guilt around with you.”
More tears slip down Taehyung’s cheeks, and he looks unconvinced. “I just hate that I put you through that,” he blubbers. “I left you alone - ”
“And then you came back to me,” Jeongguk interrupts, holding Taehyung’s hands between his own. “That’s what matters now. You have to forgive yourself for the rest.”
“You know I loved you the whole time, right?” Taehyung says hoarsely.
Jeongguk’s stomach swoops, and his own eyes start to sting with tears. “I know now.”
Taehyung nods, and Jeongguk cuddles him to his chest, pulling Taehyung’s legs across his lap and stroking his hair. They sit in silence for a little while as Taehyung calms down, burrowing harder against Jeongguk and wrapping an arm around his middle. Once he seems to have settled, Jeongguk remembers what he had originally meant to talk to him about today.
“So if that was your reaction to my album, is this the wrong time to ask you to come on tour with me?” he asks, aiming for nonchalance and failing spectacularly.
Taehyung’s head whips up, and he stares at Jeongguk with wide (bloodshot) eyes. “Seriously?”
“I mean, yeah,” Jeongguk says, feeling vaguely anxious. “Or part of it, at least. If you want to, and you can make it work with your schedule.”
“I’ll make it work,” Taehyung responds immediately. “I would love to come with you.”
Jeongguk grins at him, relieved. “It’ll be way more fun with you there.”
“It’ll be just like when we were younger!” Taehyung exclaims, bouncing a little. “Except now we can share a hotel room every night, and we don’t have to be sneaky about it.”
“Sounds amazing,” Jeongguk says dreamily.
“And you’ll have a private dressing room, which is perfect for pre-show quickies, and I can kiss you backstage and talk with the staff about how sexy my boyfriend is and - ”
Jeongguk cuts him off with a kiss, laughing into his mouth and feeling even more excited about the tour than he had been to begin with. It had been weighing on him a little, the prospect of having to be away from Taehyung for long stretches of time, especially since this phase of their relationship is still relatively new. Having Taehyung come with him erases that concern and makes him feel like he’ll be able to fully throw himself into the tour.
“You’re not allowed to cry during every show, though,” Jeongguk says sternly, kissing the swollen skin beneath his eyes.
“Can’t make any promises,” Taehyung retorts, but he’s smiling. He pauses, considering. “Actually, I’ll promise you this: I’ll do everything I can to make sure your next album is a happy one.”
The words register slowly, and Jeongguk gapes at him, incredibly touched. “It will be,” he croaks. “I can already tell.”
***
“Hey, are you home?” Taehyung asks, his voice slightly muffled over the phone. Jeongguk imagines him puttering around his apartment, maybe making something to eat or admiring the view from his windows.
“Yeah, I just got out of the shower,” Jeongguk replies, cradling the phone between his ear and shoulder as he pulls on a pair of sweats. He’d been in choreography rehearsals for the tour all morning, and had just gotten back half an hour ago. “I was about to text you, what’s up?”
“I need to talk to you about something,” Taehyung says seriously, and Jeongguk’s stomach drops. Those words rarely mean anything good, especially when Jeongguk remembers that Taehyung had a call with his US-based agent this morning. “Can I come over?”
“I - sure,” Jeongguk says, struggling to keep the panic out of his voice. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah,” Taehyung reassures him. “I just would rather talk in person. I’m leaving now, see you soon.”
They hang up and Jeongguk slips into a T-shirt, trying to convince himself that Taehyung hadn’t been trying to rush him off the phone.
As it turns out, the ten minutes that it takes to walk the distance between their apartments is more than enough time for Jeongguk to come up with a whole slew of situations that involve Taehyung leaving him and moving back to America to resume his acting career. By the time he hears a knock at his door, he’s worked himself up to the point that he feels physically ill.
“Jeez, are you feeling okay?” Taehyung asks as he breezes inside, pecking Jeongguk on the lips in greeting. Jeongguk fights the urge to seize him and not let go until he forgets whatever it is he talked to his agent about this morning. “You look pale.”
“Yeah, fine,” Jeongguk lies, trailing him into the kitchen and leaning back against the counter while Taehyung grabs a water bottle from the fridge. He’s not acting like he’s about to dump Jeongguk, at least. “Just, umm - what did you want to talk about?”
His voice sounds faintly hysterical in his own ears, but Taehyung just gives him a funny look and doesn’t comment.
“So you know how I had that call with Kevin this morning?”
Jeongguk nods, dread curling black through his veins.
“I guess the director from the movie expressed interest in bringing me in for another project,” Taehyung explains. “Since it was so well-received.”
Despite his own crushing despair, Jeongguk feels a strong flare of pride at Taehyung’s success. “That’s amazing,” he says, forcing a cheerful tone. “What’s the project?”
“I dunno, some dramedy series,” Taehyung says casually, as if he hasn’t just received news that he’s being scouted by a high-profile American director. “It’s filming in New York, though.”
It feels like a stone has settled in Jeongguk’s stomach. New York is even further away than Los Angeles.
“Oh,” he says weakly. “Umm, when?”
Taehyung shrugs, taking a sip of his water. “I said no.”
Jeongguk stares at him, stunned. “What?”
“I told him I wasn’t interested,” Taehyung reiterates, frowning at Jeongguk.
“Why?”
“Mostly because it’s in New York, and you’re here,” Taehyung says, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “I told you, I’m not leaving you again.”
Fuck, Jeongguk is going to cry.
“But - isn’t it a good opportunity?” he presses, even though he wants nothing more than to just accept Taehyung’s answer and then possibly lock him in his bedroom. “I don’t want you to miss out on something like that just because of me.”
“It’s not just because of you,” Taehyung says reasonably. “I just did a few years of acting, and I just got back to Korea. I want to stay here for a while, focus on music, especially if the band is going to come off hiatus.” He pauses, glancing down at the floor, then back up at Jeongguk. “And yeah, I want to be where you are.”
“Are you sure?” Jeongguk all but whispers, not trusting his own voice.
“I spent 10 years not being with you because of our careers, Guk,” Taehyung tells him earnestly, and yep, Jeongguk is definitely going to cry. “I think that’s long enough, don’t you?”
Heaving a shuddering sigh, Jeongguk nods, lunging forward and into Taehyung’s arms. The action takes him by surprise, and he stumbles backwards slightly before steadying them both with a hand on the counter. Jeongguk presses his face into Taehyung’s neck and inhales deeply, letting the familiar smell of him wash over his senses and soothe his nerves. He feels like a bit of an idiot now for having gotten himself so worked up.
“Are you crying?” Taehyung asks, voice gently teasing as he rubs a big hand up and down Jeongguk’s back.
“No,” Jeongguk says petulantly, even though he can feel his tears slipping on to Taehyung’s neck.
Taehyung breathes out a laugh, pulling his face back and kissing his nose. “Don’t cry, dummy,” he murmurs.
“I just - ” Jeongguk sniffs, trying to pull himself together. In a cowardly attempt to avoid Taehyung’s gaze, he places a hand on his hip instead, fiddling with the soft hem of his sweater. “You love me.”
When he chances a glance up, Taehyung is smiling at him, that sweet, sweet thing that Jeongguk swears is just for him.
“I do,” Taehyung confirms, nudging the underside of Jeongguk’s chin. “As a matter of fact, I’m in love with you.”
Jeongguk sucks in a shaky breath, warding off a fresh wave of tears. “I’m in love with you too, hyung,” he manages to choke out.
“You’re cute,” Taehyung says fondly, squeezing his cheeks.
Jeongguk pouts but makes no move to swat his hands away. “You’ll tell me if there’s ever something you really want to do, right? Even if it’s far away?”
“Yes,” Taehyung promises. “You too, okay? And we’ll figure it out together.”
Jeongguk nods, warmth filling his chest. “Deal.”
***
As fall ebbs into winter, the days become shorter and the temperature descends from comfortably crisp into downright cold. Now Taehyung’s nose is adorably pink when he arrives at Jeongguk’s door, his neck concealed by an array of colorful scarves and his hands mittened when Jeongguk takes them in his own. Jeongguk has never been a big fan of winter, but he’s smitten enough that with Taehyung around it’s not so bad.
His days are packed with preparations for the tour and preliminary talks about the band coming off of hiatus sometime next year. He can’t be as involved at this point as he would like, but he knows Namjoon and Yoongi have been back in the studio together, and Taehyung comes home some days bursting with excitement and song ideas. He’s been writing more on his own, occasionally allowing Jeongguk to cajole him into sharing some of it, and Jeongguk loves seeing him so enthusiastic and eager.
They spend the holidays together, sharing Christmas with Jeongguk’s family and Taehyung’s birthday and New Year’s with his family. It feels a little bit surreal, to look to his left at the family Christmas dinner and see Taehyung laughing with his mom, or to wake up on Christmas morning in his childhood bed and find Taehyung already awake and grinning brightly at him. On Taehyung’s birthday, he wakes him up with a blow job in his childhood bed, which logistically is challenging given the cramped space but is totally worth it for the way Taehyung can’t stop touching him for the rest of the day.
“My fifteen year-old self is high-fiving me right now,” Taehyung murmurs into his ear afterwards, shoving one hand down the front of Jeongguk’s boxers. “Never dreamed I’d get someone as gorgeous as you, though.”
“My fifteen year-old self exclusively dreamed about getting head from you,” Jeongguk admits, making Taehyung grin so wide his face practically breaks in half.
“Well in that case,” he hums, and that’s all the warning Jeongguk gets before he’s being pressed back flat on the tiny, twin-sized bed and watching his own dick disappear between Taehyung’s lips.
True love is when your boyfriend blows you on his birthday, he decides.
They have a last dinner with the members in Seoul before the tour starts, and then Jeongguk’s schedule kicks into an ever higher gear than it had been before. The first few dates are in Korea, which at least allows him to ease back into things, and Namjoon and Hoseok make guest appearances that send the fans into a tailspin and spawn a slew of Internet articles declaring that BTS is on the verge of getting back together. Not long after, he’s boarding a plane to the US with Taehyung by his side, their face masks and hoods doing little to disguise them against the onslaught of paparazzi. There has been public speculation in the past few months that something is going on between them, but Jeongguk doesn’t even need to check his social media mentions to know that these pictures will essentially serve as confirmation. It scares him a little, the thought of everyone having an opinion on their private lives, but it’s nothing compared to the security he feels when he looks over and sees Taehyung next to him.
They pass a few weeks in the US, hopping from hotel to hotel, ordering obscene amounts of room service and sneaking out at odd hours to explore the various cities they visit. The US offers them a bit more anonymity, so if they’re smart about it they can go out and do a lot without being bothered - like getting a hot dog from a street vendor in New York, which they do at 10 o’clock in the morning on their last day there. In LA, they squeeze in some time to visit with Taehyung’s old cast mates, and Jeongguk can’t help the possessive arm he slides around Taehyung’s waist when Seoyun appears. As it turns out, she’s a really lovely girl, and it only takes Taehyung pinching him a few times for Jeongguk to admit that. Still, the sex they have when they get back to the hotel is some of the hottest of Jeongguk’s life, and by the next morning Jeongguk can barely even remember Seoyun’s name.
After the US, he has a few days back in Korea before the Asian leg of the tour begins. Taehyung isn’t joining him for this part, and privately Jeongguk has been dreading it, even though he knows Taehyung has his own life to attend to. He tries not to sulk about it too much, reasoning that it’s only a few weeks, and at least they’re in comparable time zones so they can FaceTime easily. Even so, he’s beside himself with excitement on the day he flies home, exhausted and ready to be in his own bed with his boyfriend. His flight is getting in late, so he won’t even see Taehyung until the next day, but the prospect of that alone is enough to keep him going.
When he steps inside his apartment, the first thing he hears is a screech, and for a second he think either someone is dying or he’s being robbed. But then Taehyung appears, barreling towards him with arms flung wide, and Jeongguk barely has time to drop his bags and close the door behind him before Taehyung is leaping into his arms, pressing kisses all over his face and hugging him tightly.
“What are you doing here?!” Jeongguk asks, stunned, sagging back against the door and letting Taehyung slide back down to his feet.
“Missed you too much,” Taehyung tells him, breathless and beaming. The statement gives him butterflies and Jeongguk wonders when (and if) that will ever stop happening. “Couldn’t wait until tomorrow.”
“I missed you too,” Jeongguk replies contentedly, ecstatic just to be around Taehyung in the flesh after weeks of FaceTime and phone calls. He wraps his arms around Taehyung’s waist and doesn’t let go, just wanting to feel him close. “I’m so glad you’re here.”
“How was your flight?” Taehyung asks. He pulls back to examine Jeongguk, frowning when he thumbs at the dark circles under his eyes. “Did you sleep at all?”
“Mm, some,” he hums, preening sleepily under the attention. “Still tired, though.”
“Let’s go to bed, then,” Taehyung says, grabbing Jeongguk’s bag and guiding them towards the bedroom. Like the clingy brat he is, Jeongguk refuses to detach from him, so Taehyung stumbles backwards down the hall, laughing fondly. They pass the dark entrance to the guest room and Jeongguk squeezes him tighter, immensely grateful that there’s no longer any question over whether they’ll share a bed.
“M’gonna cuddle the shit out of you,” Jeongguk announces, collapsing backwards onto his bed and groaning at the familiarity of it.
Taehyung snorts, probably because Jeongguk can barely keep his eyes open and surely looks ridiculous. “Don’t you want to brush your teeth or anything?”
“No,” Jeongguk says decisively, shaking his head back and forth against the comforter. “Come cuddle.”
Before Taehyung can respond, Jeongguk shoots an arm out, dragging Taehyung down on top of him and securing him tightly against his chest. Taehyung makes an exasperated noise but doesn’t try to get away, instead tugging the blankets over them and settling down next to Jeongguk.
“M’glad you’re here,” Jeongguk says again, sighing happily as Taehyung fusses with his bangs. “I want you to be here always.”
“I am here always,” Taehyung reminds him. It’s not untrue - when they’re both in Seoul, Taehyung essentially lives in Jeongguk’s apartment, although they do spend the occasional night at his as well.
“I mean like, officially,” Jeongguk persists, too sleepy and content to think too hard about the seriousness of his words. He means them, he knows that much. “You should live here.”
Taehyung stills in his arms and Jeongguk blearily blinks his eyes open, trying to get a read on his expression. He looks surprised but not unhappy, Jeongguk notes, which has to be a good sign, right?
“Like move in together?” Taehyung clarifies, eyes growing bigger when Jeongguk nods. “You mean it?”
“If you want to,” Jeongguk says, surprised by how calm he feels right now and attributing it to sleep deprivation.
“I do,” Taehyung replies immediately, biting his lower lip to keep his smile in check. “Let’s talk about it after the tour ends, okay? You should sleep now.”
Jeongguk nods, satisfied, and lets his eyes drift shut as Taehyung presses a gentle kiss to his forehead.
***
After a week in a Seoul (including the day after Jeongguk gets back, when they don’t even leave the bed), Jeongguk and Taehyung set out together for the last leg of the tour, which will take place in Japan. They’ve both always loved Japan, and it’s held a lot of special memories for them as a pair in the past, so it feels fitting to both end Jeongguk’s tour here and to do it together. Any shred of anonymity they may have had in the US is lost here, but unless they’re deliberately trying to go somewhere privately, they don’t bother much with being discreet. Jeongguk is happier than he’s been in years, or possibly ever, and if people are going to hate him for it - well, he frankly doesn’t give a fuck.
There is one thing that has to stay top secret, though, and that’s the fact that the other five members arrive in Osaka by cover of night the day before Jeongguk’s final show. It’s meant to be a surprise for the fans, and after much discussion they’ve agreed to end the concert by announcing the impending comeback of BTS, slated for later this year. The reunion has always been a given, but after years of hiatus it still all feels a bit surreal to Jeongguk. Most of all, he’s grateful that the seven of them have stayed close outside of the band, and he hopes that those relationships coupled with the time off will make their next act better than ever.
Jeongguk and Taehyung meet the others for dinner late the night that their flight arrives, the five of them being snuck in one at a time and under heavy disguise to avoid arousing suspicion. They eat and drink well that night, laughing uproariously as they reminisce about the early days and speculate on what’s to come. Jeongguk feels impossibly lucky as he gazes around at the six of them, Hoseok already flushed from the alcohol, Seokjin not-so-surreptitiously pouring more drink into Namjoon’s glass, Yoongi looking on fondly at Jimin and Taehyung, who are laughing so hard over something that they’re near tears. Taehyung has a casual hand resting on the back of the Jeongguk’s neck, toying with ends of his hair, and it’s so simple and nonchalant but all at once Jeongguk knows that this right here is exactly where he’s always wanted to be.
The next day, they all accompany him to the venue, again showing up in groups of two and three to reduce attention. It feels like an odd mix of deja vu and foreshadowing, all of them piled into a dressing room, shouting things across the room and messing with their phones as they get ready. They cheer Jeongguk on as he leaves to go on stage, Taehyung pressing a kiss to his lips before pushing him out the door, and he plays the whole show with a huge smile on his face.
It seems to pass in a blink, the last performance of his first ever solo tour, and Jeongguk is caught off guard when he realizes he’s singing the last verse of the last song in his set list. He’s not quite done yet, though, and when the cheers die down, he brings the microphone to his lips again, lifting a hand above his head.
“Thank you all so much for coming,” he says, his voice echoing through the arena. “I can’t tell you much this tour has meant to me, and I’m so grateful that I got to share it with all of you.”
The audience cheers again, and even after so many years of this, Jeongguk still marvels over the fact that they’re all here for him. All of these individual humans, with their own lives and loves and sorrows, all of them gathered in one place, and he, Jeon Jeongguk from Busan, is the reason.
“Before we say goodbye, I have one last surprise for you,” he announces, unable to stop the grin that spreads across his face. The mood in the auditorium shifts palpably, a wave of whispers and muttering sweeping the room as they all try to guess at what it could be. “A few people who are really special to me want to say hi.”
There’s a collective gasp, and then Namjoon appears on stage, smiling broadly. The audience goes nuts, the noise ratcheting louder and louder as each consecutive member joins them. Taehyung is the last to appear, stepping into place right next to Jeongguk - exactly where he should be, and always will be, Jeongguk thinks.
They’d agreed that Namjoon should be the one to do the honors, so Jeongguk passes the microphone to him, grinning when Taehyung immediately grabs his newly free hand.
“Hey guys,” Namjoon says, laughing when the crowd screams back at him. “So, I know we made a promise to you a while back, about how you hadn’t seen the last of BTS.” More screams, and Taehyung’s hand tightens around Jeongguk’s. “And well, I’m just here to tell you - this year we’ll be delivering on that promise.”
The reaction is so intense that Jeongguk is genuinely flabbergasted, and when he glances over at the others, he can see that they are too. After a few years off and influx of new talent, they weren’t convinced that they would be coming back to the same level of popularity as when they had left, but the enthusiasm in the room right now is overwhelming. Jeongguk is overcome by another wave of gratitude, this time for the fans who have been with them through so much, who supported them even when they needed a break.
Each of the members takes a turn to say something, and then they break into an encore performance of “Magic Shop” to end the show. As confetti explodes over the stage and they start saying their goodnights, Jeongguk turns to look at Taehyung and finds him already looking back. It’s one of those moments that feels like it’s out of a TV show - confetti showering down around them, one piece caught in Taehyung’s hair, a determined look on his face as he moves towards Jeongguk. Jeongguk reaches out to pluck the confetti from his hair and Taehyung leans in -
Pressing a kiss to his forehead, his cheekbone, the corner of his mouth.
The gesture registers and Jeongguk captures his lips in a kiss without hesitating, heart so full that tears start leaking out of the corners of his eyes. After all these years, here he is - with his music and his members and his Taehyung, all together in the same place, none of them having to be sacrificed for the other. He doesn’t know how he got so lucky.
When they break apart, Taehyung is already laughing at him for crying, reaching out to brush a tear away as the others close in around them. The crowd goes wild but - as always - all Jeongguk sees is Taehyung.