Rage

by nishikaze

Summary:

Keith knows all about anger and when Allura has a problem letting go and forgiving herself, only he can completely understand just how damaging rage can be.

Notes:

Some people may not want to read this and others will love it.

This is just me getting out my toxic fandom rage and anger over the relationship baiting leading up to season 8. There are some serious problems with the Paladins in season 7 that need to be resolved and the only way to fix it is to destroy it so it can be rebuilt stronger.

Chapter 1: Smolder

Summary:

Allura is hiding from her true feelings and the anger is eating at her slowly.

”Allura! Stop, we won! They’re retreating!” Lance’s voice yelled through her comm but her focus prevented her from stopping. She couldn’t, wouldn’t stop. She followed, outpacing the rest of the Paladins as they gathered near the refugee ships that had been attacked. The Galra force had been small, but they far outgunned the caravan of peaceful travelers they had attacked. The lions had easily dispatched the Galra force and the stragglers retreated from the fight once they realized that they were vastly outmatched. Allura refused to let them escape and was mercilessly hunting them down.

”They can't be allowed to get away!” Allura shouted over the comm, “We can’t let them report back to their fleet!” She screamed as she shot another fighter down.

”Allura! We need your help! One of the refugee ships could explode! We need the Blue Lion to cool it down until we can evacuate the ship!” Hunk’s voice was panicked.

Allura was focused, their voices not getting through her rage. She was relentless in her pursuit and would have remained that way if Black hadn’t finished the remaining ships before she could. Keith’s face came over her screen, his eyes level. “Allura! Head back to the refugees now.” His voice was steady and commanding, surprisingly calm and deadly serious.

Allura jerked, coming to herself as she headed back freezing the engine of the damaged ship at the last minute.

The Voltron Paladins were doing only a few of these smaller, more desperate missions while the Garrison was finishing the Atlas outfit. Allura was both happy to be off Earth and frustrated that she wasn’t getting further in her search for her missing people. She tried desperately to be happy for the Paladins, they were back home back with their families but the happier they became the more desperate she felt. The rage ate at her like a cancer, slowly eating at her nerves.

She tried to hide it but these little slip ups, these moments of action, allowed her to bleed off a bit of the anger without anyone noticing. They helped her calm down, focus and cope through another happy reunion, another moment of bliss for the others.

She didn’t know how much more she could take.

Mission completed and back at the Garrison Lance tried to confront her. His simpering, sympathetic look made her feel both guilt and increased her self-loathing. She couldn’t deal with him. He’d always been hovering, trying to be supportive but he had no clue what it felt like to lose and the thought annoyed her. She wanted to scream at him but it wouldn’t do anyone any good. He was just happy and expected her to be happy with him but she couldn’t. All she wanted was for him to leave her alone before her annoyance bubbled over.

He was easily dealt with however. A tired smile and a few words and he left her alone, finally giving her a moment of peace.

She just wanted silence and that was so hard to get at the Garrison. Her hands shook ever so slightly as she fought to breathe, to calm herself. It wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t any of their faults. She knew that intellectually, but that didn’t stop any of the emotional pain or damper the heat of her rage.

She spent the night pacing her quarters, trying desperately to calm the voices in her head.

The voice that screamed about how her people were alive and being used by Haggar.

The guilty voice that dreaded taking the Paladins from Earth to continue the war.

The resentment over the Paladins not needing her wisdom and guidance, of not feeling important.

The loss of her home, the only home she had for 10,000 years.

And Lotor… Falling for his lies, believing in his plan. Setting herself up for betrayal and nearly getting the team killed because of her stupidity.

It ate at her nights, making her restless, keeping her from getting real sleep. Her brain would just not shut off and the lack of sleep made it harder to fight the dark emotions during the day. It was an endless cycle that just wouldn’t break.

She was going to have to break it herself.

Chapter 2: Burning

Summary:

Allura has made the decision to leave. Will Keith allow her to go?

She made her plans discreetly, learning as much as she could about the Quantum Abyss and the course Keith had plotted. There was a way to get in and out out without the loss of time and she was going to do it. She made plans for her mice, ready to leave them with Hunk. She packed food stores and made sure she had medical supplies and that her bunk was still installed. She did this all over the course of several days being sure not to attract attention to herself.

She spent time with the Paladins when they asked. Lance invited them all to the beach, a trip Keith declined hard but the rest of the Paladins enjoyed. Hunk’s family invited them to diner as did Pidge’s family.

Shiro invited the Paladins to his family’s ancestral home in Japan and Allura found the differing architecture fascinating when she had the wherewithal to think about it.

Keith did nothing, invited no one anywhere. He visited with Hunk’s family as Hunk and Keith had gotten close without anyone really noticing at first. He relaxed in the big man’s presence which seemed to irritate Lance. Shiro was busy most of the time with the Atlas and the Garrison.

She avoided Keith as much as possible. As much as Lance, Pidge and even Hunk were starting to annoy her, Keith enraged her. What little time they spent in close proximity Allura felt open hostility and caution. She felt like he knew her plans and said nothing, but how could he? She’d been so cautious. Still she felt his eyes judge her and it made her uncomfortable.

He had left the Paladins once before, who was he to judge her leaving now? Unlike him she was only leaving for a few days, not the months that took him away.

Still she made her plans, prepared for her trip, looking to go the only place that might give her a clue as to where her people were taken. She knew in her gut if she could get there she’d find something. Anything.

Finally the night came where she’d felt she was ready. She left her notes, kissed the sleeping mice goodbye and made her way to Blue where she rested in the hangar.

As careful as she was, she didn’t notice him until he was only a few feet from her.

”Where are you going?”

Allura jumped, feeling the immediate pang of being caught before her rage took over again. “None of you business Keith.”

“Actually, it is my business. It became my business when the Black Lion chose me as it’s Paladin.” He leaned casually against Blue’s claw, giving her a level look.

Allura saw red, “An honor you went out of your way to deny. You were blessed and tossed it aside, us aside without a second thought. You don’t get to call upon that authority now that it’s convenient to you.”

Keith just watched her silently. She could feel the judgement in his eyes and her rage boiled over. “What do you care where I go anyway? It’s not as if you’d miss me, any of us really. You’d rather be alone right? You avoid Lance, me and the rest. You didn’t even try to let the other Paladin’s into your life. Why should you care what happens to me?”

Keith still stood there silently and Allura screamed in frustration, lashing out cruelly. “Why won’t you say something? Is it because I’m right? That’s it right? Do you even have a heart? Did you even miss us?” She was crying now, the pain of his loss bubbling over. She tossed her carry-on at him in frustration over his silence before finally screeching out, “WHAT WON’T YOU SAY SOMETHING?”

“You’re not in the right place to hear anything I have to say.” Keith answered quietly, still watching her with a calm violet gaze.

She let out a frustrated growl and she gripped her hands into fists. “If you aren’t going to say something then get out of my way. You’re wasting my time and I won’t let you stop me!”

”I’m not going to stop you Allura. I’m going with you.”

Chapter 3: Bonfire

Summary:

Keith allows himself to become Allura's verbal punching bag as her anger finally overwhelms her.

"... and you are allowed to be angry."

”In fact… We’ll go in Black.” Keith pushed off Blue and walked past Allura, picking up her carry-on on his way to Black.

Allura just stood there stunned for a moment before her anger took over again and she chased after, grabbing the strap of her bag, stopping him. “Just what do you think you’re doing? You can’t leave, you pilot the Black Lion... Permanently! You can’t just go!”

“Neither can you, but here we are.” Keith calmly answered. “I stocked Black with everything we need. I’ve known for awhile what you were planning. You should power up a wormhole that can last at least a few days. It will leave Earth exposed but it’s the only way we’ll get back here.”

She was stunned and he used it to his advantage. Removing her hand from the strap, he continued to Black. He was inside before she came to her senses and chased after.

”Stop! I should go alone! If both of us leave it will leave Earth and the rest of the team at risk.”

“Just one Lion down puts Earth at risk,” Keith shrugged causally as he continued to the cockpit, “So we may as well both go.”

“NO.” Allura shouted, “I won’t go with you. I can do this by myself. I had Blue ready…”

Keith turned to her and leveled her a blank look. “The Quantum Abyss is a death trap. Even with the intell I provided going there is extremely dangerous. There are factors you just can’t plan for. My first ship was destroyed by electrical spider creatures that eat metal, and then there are the gravity wells. We would have been stranded in space had it not been for the whale. You are an excellent pilot Allura, but let’s face it, you’re not as nearly as good as I am and not knowing everything you could face increases the danger you’d place yourself in. It would be irresponsible to let you go alone.”

Allura clenched her fists her body shaking, her emotions overflowing. “I AM NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!!!”

Keith remained infuriatingly calm. “Yes, you are. Just like the rest of the Paladins are. I understand your need to go but I can’t let you put yourself at risk. You’re too important.”

”For wormholes right? To form Voltron? To heal? Whenever anyone needs help with Quintessence?” Allura wanted to punch something, she felt like she was just a tool for the Humans to use for technology and wormholes and invisible to the Paladins. They didn’t need her at all. They tried to include her, expected her to be happy but it was like they weren’t actually seeing her. She fought back the tears. “I don’t belong here. I should be doing something. MY PEOPLE NEED ME AND I’M TRAPPED HERE!!!

“Do you know, DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE?!!” Allura fought back a sob and her body shook with it. “I LOST EVERYTHING and I could get it all back but I’m trapped here! You all expect me to keep smiling, to pretend it’s not all broken but it is! It’s killing me. I can’t… I can’t…” She lost to her sorrow. Angry tears streamed down her face.

His hand brushed her shoulder and she whipped her head up, piercing him with a glare, “And you… You’re the one who put them at risk. Haggar would never had known about them had it not been for you and your need to track down the source of the quintessence at any cost! You,” She poked a finger into his chest, “You’re the one who led Haggar right to them!”

Keith’s eyes flashed a hint of pain but it was gone in an instant, “Lotor was killing them Allura.”

”Maybe they were better off!!!” She screamed shocking herself. The rage left her, leaving only desolation in it’s wake, as she realized just what she said. The shock of it dislodged the core of her pain. “I believed him. I wanted to believe in him. I gave him the power to enter the quintessence field. It was my… my actions that cost me my home.” Her voice was so soft at the end Keith barely heard her. At that moment Allura looked so fragile a puff of air could knock her over, break her like glass. Finally Keith stepped forward. He led her to the bunk and sat her down, sitting beside her.

”No one could know… No one could possibly know.” She mumbled in a soft broken voice as she hugged herself.

”I know.” Keith said with a sigh, “Allura, I know exactly how you feel.” Turning to her he took a deep breath.

“I was nine when I lost it all.” Keith continued softly. “My father died fighting a fire, died being a hero and when he passed I was left with nothing. He was the only family I had. When he passed a woman came and took me away from my home, from everything that reminded me of him, and brought me to live in a strange place with strange people. The best I could hope for was to be ignored, but they didn’t always…”

She looked up at him silently as he continued. “We lived in an old two-story house. It wasn’t much but it was home. I figured I’d wait it out until I turned 18 then they’d release me and I’d move back but I overheard some adults talking when I was 12. The house was taken down by a bad wind storm. My family and my home were gone. I had nothing left.”

He looked her in the eyes, “After that I just didn’t care anymore. I was angry all the time, I would get into fights and I got a bad reputation but the fighting was the only way I had to scream at the world about how unfair it all was. I felt angry, worthless and I was invisible.”

He took her hands in his, “But the only person it hurt, ultimately, was me. I almost missed my calling to the anger. I’d gained such a bad rap, Shiro had to call in every favor he could to get me enrolled into the Garrison. My test scores in the simulator were the best they’d seen but it wasn’t enough.”

He paused and Allura held her breath needing to hear the rest, “I hated myself Allura. I began to blame everything bad in my life on myself. Even my dad’s death, if I'd been a better son maybe he would have loved me enough to stay. I often thought back then the world would be better off without me. I mean, even my own mother didn’t care enough to stick around.”

Allura gasped and her hands came up, covering her mouth as his words sank in. Her heart lurched as he continued. “Allura, you have every right to be angry. Be angry at me, at Lotor and at the universe but don’t let it consume you. No one is perfect, not even you, and you are allowed to be angry. You are allowed to scream yourself hoarse if you need to but don’t let it consume you. You're only hurting yourself and blinding yourself to what’s still good in your life.”

Allura felt a bubble burst in her chest and she screamed, letting the remainder of the rage leave her. She sobbed uncontrollably as she finally allowed her self to mourn. Keith pulled her forward and she clung to him as she sobbed and with every cry her heart felt lighter. She was allowed to be angry, she didn’t have to be perfect. She cried for herself, for her humiliation over Lotor's betrayal, the loss of her people to Haggar and her home and for the sad little boy she almost didn't get to meet. Her crying slowly faded and the sorrow was replaced with a peaceful lethargy. There was still pain, but she felt as if a weight had been lifted.

It was all thanks to Keith. Noticing her, confronting her, becoming her verbal punching bag as the anger burst from her. Guilt filled her as she remembered her hurtful words to him.

She was about to pull away and thank him when an angry voice pierced the silence. “Keith you… bastard! WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER!!!”

Notes:

Next chapter Lance gets his, Hunk finally cuts loose and Pidge reveals a heartbreaking secret.

Chapter 4: Ashes

Summary:

Lance gets his, Hunk finally cuts loose and Pidge reveals a heartbreaking secret.

Lance barged in and launched himself at the couple still sitting on the bunk. He wrenched Allura free from Keith’s embrace pulling her behind him. Grabbing Keith by the collar he cocked a fist, “IF YOU HURT HER I SWEAR I’LL…”

“You’ll what Lance? Hurt me? Hit me?” Keith glared at him not fazed by the threat of violence from the smaller man. “Go head. Take your best shot.” Keith taunted.

Lance growled as he cocked his fist back but Allura grabbed his arm. “Stop it right now Lance.”

”He made you cry! He’s always been a selfish jerk but this time he’s gone too far.” He spat at Keith even as Allura pulled them apart. “How dare you hurt my girl!”

Allura snapped. It wasn’t about protecting Keith in that moment, she was just sick and tired of Lance’s jealously and spite. She grabbed him by the back of the collar and tossed him back, stepping between the two men. “I DON’T BELONG TO YOU!!!” She screamed at Lance in rage. “I am sick and tired of it Lance. I thought I saw something special in you but you forget yourself and I won’t allow this to continue.”

Lance deflated in disbelief as his rage left leaving him with a hang-dog look on his face. “You… your breaking up with me?”

”We were never a couple Lance. I never indicated otherwise!” Allura felt the rage build again as she lashed out, “I just wanted to be your friend! But you act as if I belong to you and I’m sick of it. You just see what you want to see, you don’t actually notice ME!!!” She stepped forward getting into Lance’s face. “If you knew me, were actually paying attention to me, you would have noticed how unhappy I’ve been!”

“How can you say that! I always notice you.”

”You see what you want to see Lance. You put me on a pedestal but you don’t see me for who I am.”

Lance’s face grew angry, “So what? I’m not good enough but he is? He left you remember? I STAYED!!!”

”Lance stop it.” Hunk and Pidge entered the lion. Hunk stepped forward and put a hand on Lance’s shoulder. “This isn’t the place for this. Come on, let’s calm down and discuss this.”

Lance tossed off Hunk’s hand. “This is the perfect place to discuss this. He’s supposed to be our leader and he abandoned us and now he muscles in and acts like nothing happened, nothing changed. He’s a selfish bastard and no one calls him out on it. I’m done dancing around it.”

Hunk’s eyes grew hard, “You need to stop Lance. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Lance turned on Hunk. “What? Are you going to defend him too? First Allura and now you? He called you a coward!”

”Yes he did and he apologized for it later.” Hunk gripped his hands into fists.

”Bull.”

Hunk’s eyes grew cold. “You know what Lance. I can believe Keith helped Allura. I don’t know what’s going on between them but I know what he did for me. Keith noticed me when no one else did and he helped me.” Hunk took a step forward, “You call him selfish, but he’s not. When I remember…” Tears pricked Hunk’s but he continued. “My family wasn’t here, and I was worried sick. Keith noticed. I complained to him, vented to him and he stood by me through it. Even volunteered to help me find them.”

Hunk continued his voice quiet and determined. ”I know you want to hate Keith, I know you want him to be selfish and rude because it makes you feel better for treating him like crap.” Lance gasped as Hunk continued, “I’m done with your attitude Lance. I’m not going to let you attack Keith anymore.”

Lance gave Hunk a sad look. “You’re turning on me?”

“Not everything is about you Lance.”

Pidge was standing behind Hunk watching Keith on his guard, as if waiting for an attack. Allura alternated between sadness and hugging herself to looking like she was going to scream back at Lance. Pidge could see the tracks of tears on her face and finally said something. “Allura? Are you okay?”

Shocked Allura head snapped up looking straight at Pidge. She very nearly denied her pain out of habit but the anger in the air was almost palatable. Allura shook her head and answered. “No Pidge, I’m not.”

”Do you need to talk about it?” Pidge moved past Lance and Hunk to touch Allura’s arm, not sure how to talk to a girlfriend in pain.

Allura shook her head, “Yes, but not right now. Everything… everything hurts and I don’t want…”

”But you could talk to him?” Lance turned on Allura again, “The selfish jerk who left us.”

Pidge’s voice was very soft when she answered for Allura. “The selfish jerk who left to fight on the front lines of a war.” She looked up at Keith, her eyes overflowing and her arms crossed over each other, “The one who was ready to die for us.” Saying the words took physical effort. “Matt told me.” Pidge fought back a sob, “Naxcela. You led the remaining ships against Haggar cruiser. They couldn’t get through the shields and Voltron wasn’t fast enough.” She took a steadying breath to continue, filling the silence in the room. “You were going to ram your ship into the shield. You were ready to die to save us. Had Lotor… had Lotor not fired at the last minute you would have been…” Pidge shook with the effort, “I didn’t want to believe it… I didn’t. So I kept it to myself, but it’s true, isn’t it?”

Keith stayed silent as the the Paladins faced him. “Keith... Is it… Is it true?” Hunk asked huskily. Still Keith stayed silent.

Allura whispered, “It is isn’t it? You left on that… Suicide mission, Kolivan called it when we trapped Zarcon. Why? Why did you come close to killing yourself at Naxcela? What happened with Shiro?” She reached out and brushed Keith’s scar lightly.

A dried eyed, determined Lance stepped forward, “Why. Did. You. Leave?” Each word was punctuated, forced out.

Keith didn’t meet their eyes when he answered. “I was the 6th Paladin Lance, not you.”

Lance’s eyes grew wide as he took a step back in shock, “What the hell?” He breathed.

Keith looked Lance in the eyes, “I was the 6th Paladin. The one who didn’t fit. Black made me leader, but I wasn’t, really. As soon as Shiro, or who we thought was Shiro, came back I wasn’t needed anymore. Red accepted you and you were a better fit for the team. I was the odd one out and I found another way to be of use to the team.”

He looked at Allura, “You said we didn’t know, we fell into Lotor’s trap and that he was always one step ahead. I tried to comfort you but I couldn’t do it. So I found a better way, a way to give you answers.

“When Lotor helped at Naxcela I thought that I was wrong about the Quintessence but something told me to keep up the search.”

”You were right all along. It did lead to Lotor.” Allura stepped forward, “When you left… I missed you. Just you being there. Watching, waiting, supporting me. Lotor filled the void you left behind and I let him. He fooled me but you… You shone a light on him and his lies. You gave me hope for my people! I thought they were all dead and you brought them back to me…” Allura’s shoulders shook with emotion and Pidge wrapped her arms around her.

Keith shook his head, “All I did was take them from Lotor and delivered them to Haggar. You were right.”

Allura shook her head but Keith continued, “Allura… What I said about your father….”

“Stop.” Allura begged.

“No. No I have to say this.” He took a deep breath, “My father died a hero. He did a selfless thing but during the war… seeing how much my leaving hurt you, all of you, I realized what he did was also selfish. I left because I thought I was expendable, that I could do something more, but in the end I made my father’s mistake.

”He died... he died in service but I paid the price for it. He didn’t consider his importance to me when he went back into that building. That my whole world would be destroyed in that moment.

”But meeting my mother and reflecting on your father and mine I came to this realization. Parents aren’t perfect and we need to stop treating them as if they are. We can love them for their flaws and learn from them. But we don't have to be them.

“I know you don’t like to hear this, Alfor wasn’t perfect. But that’s okay. Just remember, you don’t have to be Alfor and you don’t have to be perfect. You just need to be Allura and do the best that you can.”

The quiet after Keith speech was palatable before Lance finally cut it. “I was the reason you left?” He choked out, visibly shaken.

Keith shook his head and met his eyes. “You were only part of it.”

"I'm sorry..." Lance croaked, "I was so wrong and I'm sorry." Keith shook his head and smiled, forgiveness in his eyes.

Hunk stepped forward, “Well that’s the most I’ve ever heard you talk at one time Buddy, did it hurt?” He gave Keith a small smile, trying to cut the tension with levity.

Keith smirked back. “Now that you mention it... yeah. A bit.”

Hunk’s laugh started small, but when Pidge giggled, Allura joined in. It wasn’t long before Keith and Lance joined in and the laughter filled the room finally dissipating the tension.

Once they all have finally stopped Lance turned to Keith and looked him in the eyes. “You need to talk more often. It’ll hurt less.” Keith knew what he meant. Keeping his silence had hurt the others when he’d only wanted to protect them.

It was then that Allura opened up. The Paladins sat and talked in the Black Lion for hours, first about the serious and then about anything and everything.

Allura gave Keith a smile as he and Lance ribbed each other, actually joking with no hidden hostility for the first time and hugged herself.

She was still angry, but not at them, never again at them. She knew they would help her and would be with her until the end.

And in the end, she would save her rage for Haggar.

Notes:

Annnnnnnndddd purged. Mostly.

I hope you enjoyed. If you did, please comment.

This one really took it out of me and I hate to beg.