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Jude was sleeping. Again. Jude was always sleeping, never doing. Vivi had had enough. Standing up from her position on the chair next to Jude’s bed, she went to the window and ripped open the curtains blocking the sun.
“Rise and shine sister! Oak is in school and you and I are going to have a good old movie marathon! Get up, get showered, get dressed and let’s go!” Vivi shouted to her sister who was now attempting to burrow herself into the bed.
“No. Let me wallow in my own stupidity and misery. I’m not moving anywhere.” Jude grumbled into her pillow. Vivi knew that her sister was hurting, she knew that, but with the way Jude was going, she wasn’t going to be able to live like this much longer.
“Jude, please. You’ll feel better, I promise. We’ll watch all the sappy movies, we’ll eat tons of ice cream and fish sticks, and we’ll cry. But in order to do that, you must shower, you must get dressed. Please Jude, don’t let him win.”
At the mention of him she turned to face her sister. Her eyes were red from crying and her voice cracked when she finally spoke, “I don’t think I can cry anymore Vivi. It hurts so much.”
Vivi sat down on the bed, pulling her sister’s head into her lap. “I know. I know it hurts, I know this. But when you lay here like this, you let the wound fester. When you’re fighting and get hurt, what do you do with the wound?”
“I clean it.”
“That’s right, you clean it. And what do you clean it with?”
“Alcohol. Lots of it.” Jude sat up, her hair sticking to her face, tear streaks were stained on her face. Vivi had never seen her sister so… broken.
“When you get your heart broken, you do the same thing. You clean the wound with alcohol. Tequila mostly, but any kind will work. So, today, we will wallow in misery and watch Me Before You, and tonight, while Oak is at his sleepover with Charlie, we will drink and complain about the woes of the world. Okay?”
“Yeah, okay. I can do that.” Jude got out of bed and slowly walked to the bathroom, grabbing real clothes on her way.
With Jude showering, Vivi made her way back to the living room where she got the movie cued up. 30 minutes later, when Jude was walking out of the shower, Vivi was on her second bowl of ice cream.
“Did you really start without me?” Her eyes were still slightly red, but the tear stains and puffy eyes were gone. With the movie that Vivi had picked, that probably wouldn’t last for long.
“Yeah, sorry. Ice cream is in the freezer. There is strawberry and chocolate. And while you’re in there, could you grab the popcorn?” Vivi asked.
“Yeah, I got it.” Jude walked back in with the giant bag of popcorn and the tub of strawberry ice cream, the spoon in her mouth.
“No bowl?” Vivi asked, only to be answered with a short shake of Jude’s head. “Okay, movie time.”
“What are we watching?” Jude asked as William was hit by a motorcycle, shocked at the sudden bit of violence.
“A movie where a girl falls in love with a guy bound to a wheelchair.” Vivi whispered as Louisa Clarke walked out of the bakery with her last paycheck in hand.
“Wait, like actually bound? Like tied down?” Her voice was raising with excitement.
“No.” Vivi said sharply, “Shh, and watch.”
As the movie continued, Jude got increasingly board. No blood, no guts, and Jude was falling asleep. Near the end of the movie, when Lou was revealing to Will that she knew about Dignitas and Switzerland, a knock sounded at the door. Jude couldn’t get up fast enough to open the door. That is, until she opened it. Then she couldn’t get away from the door fast enough. Jude jumped back and Cardan walked in.
“So this is where you’re living. Its… quaint. Nice, but small.” He said with a smirk, walking around the apartment. He walked towards the living room, silently marking the tub of ice cream and the paused movie.
“What are you doing here?” Vivi asked, stepping in front of Jude.
“I’m here to check in on me beloved wife. So, wife , how are you doing?” He asked.
“She has nothing to say to you. You should leave. Now.” Vivi was now completely in front of Jude, blocking her from Cardan’s view.
“I think my wife can speak for herself. Wife?” He asked, at this, both Vivi and Cardan turned towards Jude. Cardan’s eyes were pleading and Vivi’s eyes were stern. But at the sight of Jude, they were shocked.
She was pale. So pale. Her mouth was agape and her eyes watery. Her legs were shaking as she looked at Vivi and said, “Wait, he’s going to die?”
“Huh? Jude what?” Vivi asked, confusion evident on her face.
“The guy, from the movie. Is he gonna die?” It was clear that this was what she truly wanted to know. Whether Will Traynor, from the movie, was going to die. Vivi couldn’t decide whether to laugh or cry.
“Yes, he is. He’s going to die.”
“What is going on? Vivi did you break Jude?” Cardan asked, it was at that moment when Jude started to giggle. Neither Vivi or Cardan had ever heard Jude giggle while sober. She was giggling. The soft giggles turned into full on laughter. Laughter that made the tears that had been gathering in her eyes fall down her face.
“Jude, Jude are you okay?” Vivi asked, shaking her sister. Jude turned to look at Vivi.
“He’s going to die! Oh no, he’s going to die!” Her laughter was frantic now, her breathing uneven.
“Jude!” Cardan said, poking her arm,
“He’s going to die, is he going to die like Balekin did?” The room was quiet now, her laughter the only sound. “Is he going to die like Balekin did? Is someone going to kill him?”
“Jude… no, Jude he’s not going to die like that.” Vivi said softly, looking at Cardan.
“Jude, are you okay?” Cardan asked, his voice a whisper.
“Is he going to be killed?” This was repeated over and over again, until it changed to, “I killed him, oh my god I killed him.”
Jude collapsed on the floor. Instead of laughing, she was sobbing. “I killed him, I killed someone.”
One day, a long time ago, someone had told her she would never have the guts to kill someone. Then she killed Valerian. Evil, malicious Valerian. After that, she thought she would never feel remorse for killing. Then she killed Balekin. Balekin, the horrible father figure to Cardan. Her remorse wasn’t for taking a life, Balekin was cruel and deserved to die. Her remorse was for Cardan, other than Oak, he had no one. Cardan was alone, and that’s why she felt remorse. She had taken away someone’s family, and was slowly dying inside because of it.
“Jude, look at me,” Cardan said softly. “Hey, look at me,” when she did, he continued, “Balekin is dead. You killed him, but that’s okay. He was not a good person, and you did the right thing.”
Her breathing was ragged, tears were streaming uncontrollably down her face, “I, I can’t breathe. Cardan, I can’t--” she broke off, hyperventilating.
“Hey, breathe with me. In,” he took a deep breath in, and Jude followed, eyes scanning his face, “Out. Again, In and out.” They repeated this a few more times, until Jude was breathing normally again. Vivi came back with a glass of water and gave it to Jude. She took small sips, and started wiping the tears from her face.
“Hey, Jude. It’s time for me to go take Oak to Charlie’s, are you going to be okay?” Vivi was putting her shoes on.
“She’ll be fine. I’ll stay until you get back.” Cardan said this, surprising both Vivi, himself, and Jude.
“Are you sure?” Vivi questioned hesitantly.
“Yeah, I’ll stay, we’ll finish the movie you two were watching. Right?” He looked to Jude, she was slowly trying to stand back up.
“Y-yeah. We’ll be fine.” Vivi accepted this and walked outside, going to the car.
On her way to the school, she began to understand what kind of pressure Jude had been under when she was seneschal. She began to realize that not only was Jude accepting her exile the four weeks she refused to leave her bed, but also decompressing, trying to figure out how to live without Cardan. Poor Jude , she thought.