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He’d only been gone a few minutes and she’d already cleaned up the table, recycled the plates, and lit a few more candles. She’d divested herself of her jacket and shoes, leaving her in just her gray undershirt and pants, and was again curled up on the couch contemplating the events of the day. Now, she was, once again, re-reading his report on the temporal anomaly that had split the ship into different time zones. He hadn’t been very forthcoming with information, but what little she’d gleaned from his report, it seemed that it was all past Voyager experiences. He’d been uncharacteristically quiet on the whole thing, actually. She couldn’t stop herself from wondering if perhaps he’d seen them get home, and maybe he was keeping that to himself to protect their future timeline. The thought sent a shiver of hope through her. She’d had this feeling in the back of her mind for a few weeks now, that perhaps their journey was drawing to a close. Logically, there was no reason to feel that way, of course. They still had over thirty thousand light years to go. However, the unexplained hope remained; the feeling there in spite of the odds in front of them. The fact that Chakotay had only barely mentioned a few past timelines in his report, and couldn’t keep this secretive smile from his lips, seemed to lift her spirits a bit more. She wasn’t usually one for blind hope but in this instance, she didn’t want to fight it. It had been so long since she’d felt any kind of hope, and tonight, she just wanted to feel whatever she could.
Looking up, she watched him walk into the room, a grin on his face as he held up the second bottle of cider. She returned his grin as he poured them both another glass and took his seat in the chair. She took a long sip from her drink and looked up at him, her eyes narrowing a little in playful indignation as she saw he still wore that secretive smile on his face.
“So, really, there’s nothing you can tell me about what you personally experienced today?”
He laughed a bit and leaned in closer to her, angling his body slightly sideways in the chair. “I already told you everything I could. You read my report. Temporal....”
“Prime Directive, yes, I know,” she finished for him. “However, there have to be a few things you can tell me that wouldn’t be breaking it. What kind of things did you see?”
“You’re wheedling again,” he joked and for a moment she was back on an uninhabited planet, only the two of them, wondering what surprises he had in store for her. She smiled back at him as he continued, “You always have to be in the know.”
She arched an eyebrow and tilted her head. “Captain’s prerogative.”
He sighed for a moment, dropping his head back like he was irritated but she could see the ghost of a grin still present on the corners of his lips. “I will say, it was...interesting, to meet you again for the first time.” He peeked at her from the side of his eye.
“Meet me?” She was a little taken aback. “You mean, the me you encountered was from-,” she trailed off and took another swig from her glass
“She was on that first mission, to the badlands. You know the one.” He leaned back up in his chair and looked at her, his eyes playfully tracing the contours of her face. “So young and determined to catch the bad guy. Her hair all tightly pulled back in that bun of steel. I walked off the turbolift and she looked at me and for a moment, I was back in those early days.”
She snorted. “Oh I bet she was thrilled. The outlaw she’d been sent to catch just casually walks off the lift, wearing a starfleet uniform no less.” She paused. “How on earth did you convince her of your story?”
He took a drink and looked down at his glass. “Basically, I kidnapped her,” he chuckled.
She found herself giggling and wondered if maybe she’d had too much cider. Giggling wasn’t a reaction she expected from herself. “Kidnapped her?”
“Yeah, the second time I saw her. I had a hypospray with the serum the doc made. I tried to get her to inject herself voluntarily.” He paused as she snorted a laugh. “But as you can imagine, she didn’t.”
“Oh I’m sure she didn’t. She’d been studying your intelligence file for weeks. She was well aware of how smart and conniving you were described to be. I’m sure she was worried it was poison.” She laughed and leaned forward in her seat towards him, feeling a smile move across her lips. “Something tells me though she did end up trusting you.”
He tugged gently on his ear and and smiled slightly. “She did. After she wouldn’t inject herself, I ended up pulling her back against me and holding it to her neck as I walked down the hallway. When I got to one of the areas where I knew we’d jump to another time, I injected her and pulled her through.” She found herself wondering how he’d felt having her body so tightly pressed against his. Had their breathing been rapid? Had his hand curled against her ribs under her breast or had they firmly pressed against her stomach? Had she ached to feel his fingers move up ever so slightly to cup her breast? Had her ass rubbed against him just right, and how had his breath felt dancing across her cheek? No, he’d never mention any of that, but she definitely wondered. “Once she realized the injection wasn’t poison and that I wasn’t kidnapping her, she started to trust me.”
“I’m sure it wasn’t hard for her. It wasn’t really for me, either,” she said, running her fingers around the rim of the glass and looking down at it for a moment. Looking up she saw his gaze linger on her hands before it rose to meet her eyes. The laughter was there in his eyes but muted slightly as she watched them darken in the low light. She took a deep breath. “What else?”
He stared into her eyes for a few more moments before taking a final sip of his glass and leaning forward to set it on the table. He didn’t lean back into his chair, but instead, rested his forearms against his thighs. His face was much closer to her now, and she could feel his breath dart across her cheek as he turned his face towards hers.
“We saved the ship. We injected the gel packs throughout with the serum and needed a few of our crew to help with one spot that was taken over by Seska and the Kazon.” He watched her raise her brow at that revelation. “But we saved our ship. Like we always do. Together.”
The moment lingered, their heads close together in the darkened room, the words floating between them. Together, like always. She could feel the air tense and palpable as they stared at each other. Maybe it was the cider, maybe it was something different. She didn’t know, she didn’t care. She reached out and placed her hand on his and wove her fingers through his. He jolted slightly and looked down at their entwined hands.
Just when she was about to let go, break the tension and stand, walk him to the door and end their night, he spoke. His voice barely above a whisper.
“She did have an interesting question for me.” He looked up as he caught her attention. At her silence he plowed on. “She realized how well we seemed to know each other. She asked me just how close we become.” His eyes never left hers and she swallowed at the depths shown in his gaze.
Trying to ease the tension slightly, she huffed a small laugh. “Well, that brazen hussy. She’d only just left Mark behind on Earth and was already asking you that kind of question.” His gaze didn’t lighten, and she felt his fingers tighten reflexively against hers. Taking a deep breath, she continued. “I can imagine though that she could feel it. Whatever this is with us.” As she paused to gather her courage, she felt his thumb begin to stroke hers and a spark shot through her body. It was so familiar, that soft swipe of his thumb, and she remembered another time, when they held their hands together in a similar fashion and his thumb caressed her. It was as heady a sensation now, as it had been then. As the intimate feeling from long ago took over her senses, she continued, her voice lower than it had been, “What was your answer?”
He looked down at their hands once more and she felt his thumb stroking in earnest now. She couldn’t take her eyes off his face though. His eyes creased slightly in a small smile; his raven hair reflected the dancing light of the candle flames. She couldn’t stop herself from remembering the dusting of salt and pepper he’d had at the beginning of their journey and absentmindedly wondered why he’d chosen to darken his hair instead of letting the years show. Then again, she was guilty of the same thing. The gray had started to show only a year or so into their journey, and she’d found herself coloring the pigment. Their journey had taken its toll on all of them, and time marched on in spite of it all. However, she missed his earlier sprinkling of gray and fought back the desire to run her hand through his hair now, to see if she could find any hidden in the ebony strands.
As his eyes drifted back up to hers, she saw a glimpse of something. Regret? Pain? She couldn’t name it. “I told her that there were boundaries we never crossed.” He paused. “Parameters, you know.”
Her breath stuck in her throat and she felt her fingers tighten around his as her eyes watered slightly at the look on his face. “Do you regret that?” she whispered and wasn’t sure if her voice carried beyond her throat.
He stared at her, and her body felt alight with flame. “You know I do. I think you do too. I understand why you’ve chosen not to, but it doesn’t make it any easier.”
She felt her head shake before she knew what she was doing. “No it doesn’t.” Loosening their hands, she reached up and gently placed it against his cheek. She felt his instinctual lean against her hand, and couldn’t stop herself from running her thumb against the faint stubble that had started to form. She loved a man with stubble. A good 5 o’clock shadow never hurt anyone.
Throwing caution to the wind and fully leaning on the hopeful feeling she couldn’t shake, she leaned in slightly and pressed her lips against his. It was a chaste kiss, barely lingering against his mouth. She leaned back slightly, and her eyes moved to meet his, but they were closed and a look of rapture crossed his face. She could tell he didn’t want to meet her gaze, and break the moment between them. She didn’t want to either.
She leaned back in and this time, deepened the kiss. Feeling him respond, she moved her hand from his cheek to the back of his neck, her fingers running through the short hair at the nape of his neck. His mouth opened underneath hers, and electricity coursed through her veins as she felt the wet pressure of his tongue against the seam of her lips. She gasped slightly and opened to welcome him, finally. It had been so long since she’d kissed a man, at least one made of flesh and blood and not photons. She couldn’t remember ever feeling quite this way from just a kiss. Perhaps it was the slow burn of seven years of waiting, perhaps it was just this man. Whatever it was, she didn’t want to stop the feeling. She pressed against him as she felt him slide out of his chair and kneel on the floor in front of her. His arms came to rest against her hips and she felt his fingers move to cup her waist. She moaned and moved her body closer to his.
At her moan, he stopped, placing his forehead against hers. She could feel his rapid breath cooling the moisture on her lips, and she answered him with her own breath.
“Kathryn,” he said, his voice thick with arousal. “Are you sure?”
She opened her eyes and looked into his. She could see his hesitance, but something deeper, darker as well. He was a man on the verge but was leaving this decision completely up to her. She could tell him to go, right now, and he would, no questions asked. Or she could tell him to continue, and he would, eagerly. She didn’t understand why tonight, of all nights, she started this, but she was definitely not going to stop it. Not now, after she’d finally gotten a taste of him. Perhaps it was that nagging feeling that she’d had for a few weeks that their journey was coming to a close. Perhaps it was just time. Whatever it was, she wanted this and she was damned if she was going to stop now.
“I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life,” she whispered and her nails raked through his hair at the nape of his neck.
His eyes ignited at her reply and he growled. He leaned in and pressed a bruising kiss to her lips before suddenly standing and dragging her up with him. Pulling her with him, he lead her to her bedroom. As they crossed the threshold, he pressed her up against the wall and continued his assault on her lips. She eagerly reciprocated, teeth grazing his bottom lip and grinning as he groaned in response. She could feel him, hot and heavy, against her belly and her stomach knotted in anticipation. Her arms wrapped around his neck as he began a trail across her cheek to her ear. He bit her lobe gently and chuckled low in his throat obviously enjoying her eager response to him as her hips jerked against his at the sensation. Moving her hands to his jacket she pulled the fastener down and pushed the fabric down his arms and to the floor.
His fingers gently pulled her undershirt from her pants and she felt her body react as his fingertips met the soft skin of her sides, his thumbs resting against the slight swell at her navel. Needing to feel more, she reached behind her and separated the fastener at the back, pulling the shirt from her body. She reached behind him and pulled his apart as well, pulling it from him and running her fingers down his arms as she chased the shirt away. Finally, she was able to see his skin, barely. His chest heaved and she was drawn to the sparse hair that sprung from his sternum. She’d seen him shirtless before, but only in rare moments and never in a situation where she was not only able, but encouraged, to touch him. Her fingers danced across his firm chest, and up over his shoulders as she pulled him back to her. His hands ran up and down her sides, his fingers tracing the contours of her ribs under her skin, each pass bringing him achingly close to her breasts. She kissed him hard, and pushed back against him in an effort to move him closer to the bed. As they moved he reached behind her and unclasped her bra, and she quickly shucked it off and to the ground. As his knees hit the back of the bed, he collapsed against it, his hands grabbing her hips to keep him from falling. Standing in front of him, she looked down into his eyes, watching as his heated gaze trailed over her exposed torso. He moved in and pressed a kiss to her belly button. His hands attention directed to the fastener of her pants, and her breath caught as his gaze caught hers and she felt the fastener move down, painfully slow. His tongue reached out and traced the skin that was bared before him and her knees went weak. She would’ve collapsed if not for his hand at her hip, for which she was grateful. She’d never been a swooning kind of woman, and was struck by how this man could do this to her, when all he’d done was touch her stomach. She wriggled a bit in anticipation as she thought about what he would soon be doing to her, what they would be doing to each other. Her pants fell to her feet at that moment, and he sat back to look at her. She felt his gaze as it licked across her skin, her nerves set afire at the heat in his eyes. Standing before him in just her underwear, her nipples achingly taut in the cool air, her thighs wet with her own arousal, she had never felt more desired. His eyes met hers and she was captivated. All she wanted was to be taken by him, made his own. It was a feeling she’d not often felt before. She liked being in charge, liked taking over. With Chakotay, though, she wanted to give, to be taken, to fall headfirst into desire and not surface without him.
She reached down and thumbed her underwear down over her hips. Bending slightly, she pulled them off her legs with her pants and socks, and stood back looking into his eyes as she stood naked in front of him for the first time. She was aware her body was no longer the lithe, tight body of her youth. Her breasts not as perky as they once were, her stomach softer and rounded with age, but as she saw herself through his eyes, she’d never felt more beautiful. His eyes took in every inch of her, from her face, to her breasts, and finally to the soft curls at the apex of her thighs.
He reached down and thumbed at the fastening of his pants, and she bent slightly, moving his hands and replacing them with hew own. “Let me,” she whispered. He nodded and she was rewarded when he caught his breath as she moved the fastener down and over his straining erection. Unable to stop herself, she grazed a nail softly against him through his boxers and grinned as he groaned and his head fell back. It was a heady sensation, one which she didn’t realize how much she’d missed, being able to reduce a man to a groaning mass. While she loved that, she didn’t want to reduce him to anything, she wanted to burn with him until they were both so afire they didn’t know where one began and the other ended.
Dragging his pants from his body, she moved and did the same with his boxers and socks until he was as naked as she was. Kneeling at the foot of the bed, she looked up at him as he leaned back on his elbows in the dim light of her bedroom. He was gorgeous. His tan skin seemed to glow in the blue light of the room, mixed with the faint candle glow from the anterior room. His eyes were dark, darker than she’d ever seen them. As her gaze headed south, she saw that time had not spared him either. The muscles she’d glimpsed in their early days were softer now, his stomach not as hard as it once had been. However, straining up from the sparse thatch of coarse dark hair, his erection proved to be hard enough. Her mouth went dry as she looked at him finally. He was so beautiful, and he was hers. She couldn’t stop herself from leaning in to kiss his erection, and smiled against him as he groaned when her tongue came out to swirl around the head. Looking up, she caught his heated gaze and knew that he was already close. Not wanting this to end without feeling him inside her, she climbed up onto the bed, straddling his hips. His arms wove around her waist and he pulled her close, kissing her again.
She’d often pictured their first time together. In some fantasies, it would be sweet and slow, born of pain and hardships they’d endured. Other times would be rough and wild, fueled by anger and passion. None of the fantasies she’d had over the last 7 years though could compare to the feel of him in her arms, finally, completely, freely. Home.
She felt whole. She felt wanted, and yes, loved. It was a heady thought, to know that he felt the same, because she was certain he did. As his fingers ran across her body, and finally caressed her breasts, she moaned. Yes, she felt it. She felt his love and her whole body cried out an answer to him.
“Chakotay,” she groaned as she pushed her breasts into his willing hands. He answered her by deftly moving over her nipples, circling them gently with his fingertips, before pinching slightly. Her hips moved against his, capturing his erection between their bellies, and she smiled slightly as she heard a gasp escape him. Then, it was her turn to gasp as she felt the wet heat of his mouth capture a nipple as the fingers of his hand played with the other. She writhed above him, his tongue circled her nipple, his teeth chasing it with gentle bites and she felt each one shoot through her to her core. She was already achingly wet, and had this been any other man, would probably have felt a little embarrassed at how desperate she felt. She squirmed against him and felt her wetness smear against his thigh.
“Kathryn,” he groaned and his hands stilled her circling hips. She looked down into his eyes and could see the need in them. Leaning down slightly, she kissed him softly, her hands cupping his cheeks.
“Take me, Chakotay,” she whispered against his lips. “I’m yours.”
His eyes lit up, and he pushed his hips up, knocking her off balance slightly. His arms wound around her waist as he twisted them, her underneath him, and he resting against her. Her thighs parted and she moaned as she felt him rest fully against her. Her heart hammered in her chest and she placed her hand against his heart and felt his match hers. She reached down between them and circled him, running her hand up and down his shaft for a moment, feeling him harden even more against her. Guiding him to where she needed him, she moaned as he nudged her entrance. Moving her hands to his ass, she pushed against him and gasped as he entered her barely. Inching his way in, ever so slowly, he took his time, making sure she never experienced pain. It had been a while, and the delicious stretch burned slightly, but she urged him on, her leg wrapping around his hip and her hips arching up to meet him. Once he was fully seated in her, he dropped his forehead to hers, and his eyes slipped close. She brought a hand up to his cheek and smiled as his eyes opened to her. His answering smile lit up his face and he leaned down to kiss her. She kissed him back, and felt him situate himself more fully in her than she thought possible.
“You feel amazing.” he said.
She grinned. “You do too. Better than I ever expected.”
Kissing her once more, he started to move within her, and suddenly talking seemed to be the last thing on her mind. He stoked the fires burning deep within her and she felt her body tense. She’d never been one to be able to come just from intercourse alone, and as she felt him speed up, she moved her hand between them, running her finger over her clit. He lifted off her slightly, and she felt him tap her hand away. As he replaced her hand with his, her body flew higher. No man had ever done that during for her. His thumb circled her slowly as he pulled out, and then quicker as he thrust inside. The pressure intensified and she felt herself tighten around him. Just a little more and she’d be soaring.
He leaned down and pressed a quick kiss to her lips as he quickened his movements. Suddenly, she exploded in a white light, as the pressure of him inside of her and his thumb circling her, overloaded her senses. Her breathing halted, and flashes of colors danced behind her eyelids as they screwed shut at the sensations pounding her body.
“Chakotay!” she screamed as she felt herself spasm against him, in an orgasm so strong she wasn’t sure if she’d ever experienced one before. It had been too long!
She felt his thrusts quicken and then a hot rush flood through her at his answering growl “Kathryn!” He jerked above her, his head thrown back in absolute ecstasy. She watched his emotions dance across his face as he came down, and felt his body loosen and relax against her. Not wanting to feel him leave her yet, she gathered him in her arms, and guided his head to rest against her chest.
As their breathing slowed, he leaned up to press kisses against her neck and finally, rolled to the side, bringing her with him until she rested against his chest. They lay in silence for a while. She traced patterns against his chest as he mimicked her movements against her hip.
After a while, she broke the silence. “So our crew also helped save the ship?”
It took him a few moments to understand that she was asking about their earlier conversation. He huffed a laugh. “Of all the conversations I’d have expected to have now, this kind of topic isn’t one of them.”
She remained silent, her head still on his chest, waiting for him to continue.
After a moment, he answered, “Yes, most of them. B’Elanna, Tom, Seven from her Borg days, even Naomi and Icheb helped.”
She propped herself up off his chest grinning. “You let children help you?”
He grinned back at her “Well, they weren’t children anymore. They were grown. It was surprising to see them as adults. They were both so mature. It was good to see.” He took a deep breath before continuing. “Naomi even told the past you how much of an influence you had over her, and how she’d only ever wanted to be Captain’s assistant. She was a Lieutenant, if I remember correctly” His conversation dragged off to silence as he felt her body tense and his gaze rested on her drawn face. She blinked her eyes to quell the sudden rise of tears as she bit her lip to keep them further at bay. “What is it?”
“You saw them, and they were adults?” she whispered so softly she wasn’t sure if he heard her.
Confused, he answered, “Yes. They were, but they were both healthy and happy.”
She sat up suddenly, drawing her knees up under her chin and resting her head against them.
“Why, Kathryn?” He sat up beside her. “Why does that bother you?”
She sniffed slightly, and turned her head to look at him through the haze of unshed tears that threatened to spill regardless of her desire to keep them from falling.
“I thought you’d only seen Voyager in the past. I didn’t realize you saw parts of a future Voyager. I thought that perhaps only seeing the past meant that we get home soon. I’ve felt that we were getting closer, and that maybe our journey wouldn’t be much longer. But to know you saw a future version, an adult version of the children.” She trailed off and turned her head back into her knees, her arms wrapping around her legs.
He reached for her and ran his hand down her back, his fingers tripping over the bumps of her spine poking through her skin. She shuddered and moved away from his slightly.
“Kathryn,” his voice sounded as a quiet warning. “Don’t move away from me, please.”
She shook her head and turned her back to him slightly, her legs falling slightly over the side of the bed. She felt that hope that had burned in her falter, and die as the realization that not only had he not seen them get home, he’d seen a timeline so far in the future that the children on board were adults. She shuddered slightly as the cold hopelessness settled once again in her heart.
He whispered. “You wanted this.”
She nodded and bit her lip, thankful she couldn’t see his face. “I did. I do. But, I can’t do this.”
He stood, and hurried around the bed to crouch down in front of her. She closed her eyes as he tried to fasten his gaze on her. “Why?” He asked. “Why does this matter? Why are you shutting me out now?”
Keeping her eyes closed, she turned her head away. “I thought maybe we could do this, that the end was close. When you didn’t mention any future versions, I thought that was a sign, that my feeling that our journey was close to the end, was true. It was silly to to think that.” She looked him in the eyes now, and saw a tear make its way down his cheek. Screwing up her courage, she took a breath, and continued. “Knowing that our journey is not coming to an end, I can’t do this, Chakotay. I can’t.”
“We can, Kathryn. I know we can make this work. I’ve thought about it for years. I understood your reasonings, but I never agreed with them. We can do this.” He assured her, his hand making its way to her cheek and she shuddered. If only she had his confidence.
Shaking her head, she pulled his hand from her cheek. “No Chakotay, this isn’t about ‘we.’ This is about me. I can’t do this. I know my limits. I cannot have you as a first officer and a lover. As much as we both want this, I know that I can’t. I’m sorry, but your assurances have no bearing on my decision. I cannot, and I won’t. Not as long as we are still on Voyager. I need to be an effective captain,” she paused, drawing a deep breath. “And that means that I can’t be with anyone. Especially not someone I care so much about.”
He shook his head, another tear escaping the confines of his eyes. “You can’t do this Kathryn, please.”
She choked back a sob, not allowing him to see her pain. “I’m sorry Chakotay. We shouldn’t have done this.” She reached her hand up and touched his cheek, hurt when he pulled away from her. “I want you to be happy, Chakotay. I want you to find someone else. If this journey of ours is to last a lifetime, I want to know that you are happy, that you have had a life. I don’t want your happiness to be dependent on me, on a hope that we may reach home together. I can’t bear that burden as well as my own. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to love someone who can openly love you.”
He nodded slightly, and reached to the floor beside him, gathering up his underwear and pants.She knew he understood that when she’d made a decision, there was no deterring her. Standing he pulled them on. He dressed in silence as she watched him, holding back the tears that threatened to spill from their prison. He turned to her when he reached the door of her bedroom. “I don’t agree with this, Kathryn. I want you to know, I love you.” He tapped slightly on the wall with his knuckle and turned away. “I’ll never love another the way that I love you.” At that he turned and left. Her heart screamed for her to call him back, to make it work, but her mind knew that this was how it had to be.
As she heard the soft swish of her outer door close behind him, she fell back onto her pillow, no longer able to keep the tears at bay.
For the first time in a long time, Kathryn Janeway cried herself to sleep.
Completely and utterly, shattered.
The End