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“Dorian Gray in Penny Dreadful?--he was pretty hot. But I bet I can play Dorian Gray better than that twiglet."
“Do you now?”
“Think about it--I’m the confuser. I’m a charming, Camden royalty, and I’m pretty sexy.”
Vince daydreamed how perfect a role play this would be for him and Howard. Howard would be a sexy--in a dorky way--librarian who’s been graced with the ghost of Dorian Gray’s knowledge of earthly delights.
“Have you actually read The Picture of Dorian Gray?”
“Nah, ‘s too complicated. But I've seen the films and the panto.”
“There was a panto of ‘Dorian Gray’?” Howard could not believe it; it’s hardly a family entertainment.
“Yeh. Last Christmas, it was. Leroy was in it--they made it all sexy and psychedelic.”
“This is still pantomime you’re speaking of?”
“Have you lost your hearin’? Yes, and it was amazin’!”
*
“So? What’dya say Howard? You’ll be a dusty, virgin librarian and I’ll be the ghost of Dorian Gray.”
“You know he was a fictional character.”
“He comes to life from a crackly old book ‘cos its well dingy in there.”
“Old books would be a splendid place to live in--so much culture and history. Secrets and intrigue. Those smells are the primal fragrance of the humanity.”
“What you’re smellin’s mildew and some tosser’s 100 year-old drool, more like.”
“It was not a sexually explicit book.”
“No, but for moldy, Victorian types, that go to the libraries, I can see little Dorian causin’ some excitement.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, little man. Library is a very sexual place, indeed--and librarians are the most sexually ferocious beings in the world. They are equipped with millennia of coital knowledge; you can’t get to the bottom of it--even if you shagged them everyday for the rest of your life. They’d always have something up their cardigan sleeves.”
“As if!”
“How would you know? You’ve never stepped your twinkly, booted foot in a library in your life.”
“I have! That time in year 5, I got the audio book narrated by Mick Jagger, but when I opened the case at home, it had a second volume of The Famous Rocks of the World! I swore never to go back there again.”
“What did you do with the audio book?”
“I threw it away.”
“Vince! That is heresy!”
“Well, nobody’s gonna listen to 2 hours of some geezer describing rocks with no pictures.”
“You are unbelievable. It’s people like you that give grief to the honest library goers. You are an enemy of the state.”
“Come off it, I’m sure it’s livin’ happily on the bottom of the canal with some slaggy, but well meaning, cassette player.”
“Well, I’d be afraid if I were you, little man, those who don’t pay the fine will see the wrath of the shadow librarians”
“Wot? Who are they?”
“They are the MI-6 of the British Library. They work in the shadow of the night to punish those who commit the most heinous of library crimes, and cheekily collect the unpaid fines. They are only legends, but once in a blue moon, a regular library patron stops showing up. Just, poof!”
“Maybe they died...or moved.”
“Nooo. Because the patron’s name will suddenly disappear from the checkout cards--everything they’d borrowed, no longer bears their name.”
“No way! That is well creepy.”
“Creepy is their game, little man. That’s why you should never piss off the librarians.”
“Ooohhh. I don’t know if I wanna do this role play anymore, Howard.”
“What...wait a second. It’s not that scary, it’s merely a legend you know.”
“They seem legit, with the names disappearin’ and all that--sounds like they're right wankers.”
“Well, you know, maybe I can talk to them and...negotiate. I speak fluent Shadow Librarian...-nian. I bet they’ll listen to my pleas, yeah?”
“You’d do that for me, Howard?”
“Of course, Vince. It’s you and me all the way. I wouldn’t let those tossers touch you with their dry, oil-less fingers.”
“Aw, Howard, you’re a diamond.”
“No problem, little man.”
Vince looks up at Howard with a sultry look. “Huh. Then you’ll do it, then?
“Absolutely.”
"For real? If librarians are so horny--”
“They aren’t horny--they are just sexually...enlightened.”
“Whatever.”
*
"Vince? Is that a smoke machine?"
"Yeah."
"Why on earth do you have that?"
"For my appearance, you jack of clubs! Makes it realistic, and that."
*
“Howard...Howard...”
Howard looks around but gets back to the task at hand.
“Howard...Howard, Howard, Howard, Howard!”
“Do I hear a wind?”
“...tosser.”
“What was that?”
“That got your attention, you prick.”
“You don’t seem like an apparition with that attitude.”
“Never mind that. Lets get it on.”
“I was just setting a scene, don’t you see?”
“I’m the star here!”
“What--why are you the star? There’s no star in a role play!”
“Well, no...but if it was a play, I’d be one.”
“You narcissistic twat, I thought this was going to be--” Howard stopped himself and looked away.
Oh no, Howard’s upset now. This had taken a surprisingly fast turn south. “What is it, Howard?”
Howard sighed. “You always make it about you; I shouldn’t have reacted like that.”
That was true, thought Vince. “Then why are you in a strop?”
“I just wanted you to take my knowledge of library seriously. I am the librarian.”
“Well, you’re not a real librarian.”
“You bloody aren’t Dorian Gray!”
Even Vince couldn’t argue with that.
“Alright, I’ll respect your creepy library fetish.”
“...You are incorrigible. It was your idea, you know. You’re the one who wanted to objectify me in a sexy wool jumper and tweed suit.”
“Objectify you? I was settin’ up the best role play for you to objectify me, you numpty!”
“And we’re back to this again!”
“AND, it’s not your moldy jumper that does things for me!”
“Wha...Then what is it?”
“...It’s nothin. Never mind all that, lets just get on with it.”
“No, I’d like to know. What is it about me that turns you on?” Howard was grinning wide--so smug!
“...s’ the glasses.”
“What?”
“THE GLASSES! Have you gone senile!?”
“These? The tricks of the trade for nerds and geeks worldwide? The librarian’s friend? The blind man’s--”
“Alright! Stop goin’ on about it!”
“You think I’m sexy in these. Vince Noir, I have never...” Howard tutted, seductively lowered the horn rimmed specs, and examined the blushing younger man in mock scandal. Vince can almost hear him thinking: ‘I can’t believe you just said that you little tart, see me after class for extra lessons’. The air in the room was suddenly stifling.
“Unf...whatever...” Vince, burning red from the bookworm’s assaults, picked up a glass of absinth and finished it in one gulp. The ghost of Dorian was feeling terribly embarrassed and turned on. He wanted revenge for the unexpected seduction from this chalky librarian.
The End...?