Chapter Text
“So, you’re going to bring us souvenirs, right?” Candace asked.
“You want souvenirs from the International Good Guy Convention?” Heinz asked blankly.
“She means Tokyo, Dad!” Vanessa said.
“Oh, oh yeah, the prank should only take a day, and then we can get you something on the way home, sure!” Heinz said brightly. “Do you kids have anything fun planned?”
“Well, the longest day of summer’s going to be when you’re gone, so I’m assuming Phineas and Ferb have something or other on their minds,” Vanessa said, grinning.
“You’re right! I should see what ideas they have for that,” Heinz said as Perry came into the room to hand the girls a checklist.
“…Yes, we have our car keys and yes, we will drive the boys to their friends’ houses,” Candace sighed.
“No, I won’t be out driving late at night,” Vanessa added, reading over her shoulder. “Yes, we’ll call if there’s a problem. Yes, I have my own mother’s number, Perry.”
Perry gestured for them to keep going.
“No parties in the apartment, takeout money is in the envelope on the fridge,” Candace read, “Jeremy is not allowed over here while you’re gone—Uncle Perry, he’s in France.”
“Oh. Well, that’ll keep him from being over unsupervised!” Heinz said brightly. “And remember, Norm stays up in the lab unless there’s some kind of emergency and you need him down in the apartment, and yes he can go with you to do fun things with your friends.”
“Again, more the boys’ thing,” Candace said. “I don’t really need a giant robot around most of the time.”
“He can be kind of fun to take dancing,” Vanessa said, shrugging. “But yeah, I think we’ll let the boys monopolize the robot.”
“Sounds good!” Heinz said as Perry gave the girls a thumbs-up. Perry grabbed their bags and they headed into the living room where Phineas and Ferb were watching cartoons.
“You guys about ready to go?” Phineas asked.
“Just about. Wanted to make sure you’d be okay while we’re gone,” Heinz said as Perry gave the boys a hug.
“We’ll be fine! We’ve got big plans!” Phineas said.
“Longest day of summer, right?” Heinz asked.
Ferb nodded eagerly.
“We’re going to follow the sun!” Phineas said.
“All right, well make sure to be safe when you’re looking at it and be careful with the astronomical instruments,” Heinz said. “Most of them pack up okay, but that black-orb one’s kind of finicky, be careful and use padding if you’re moving it around.”
“Oh, yeah, and we made special sunglasses,” Phineas said. He showed Heinz a pair. “Cool, right?”
Ferb added, “And we’re going to have a party at the end.”
“Oh, so tomorrow night? We should be back by then!” Heinz said. “If there’s cake, save cake.”
Perry reminded them not to put too much easily-trashed stuff in the Garcia-Shapiro’s yard for the party.
“We won’t!” Phineas promised.
Perry gave the boys another hug and then looked around to find Candace lingering. He asked if she needed anything else.
“Um…yeah. If we need to call you, it’s okay even if international calls are pricey?” Candace asked.
Perry nodded fervently, telling her that if she needed to call, then call.
“Okay,” Candace said. “Bye. Love you guys.”
“Bye!” Heinz called as they shut the door on their way out. He turned to Perry. “All right! Let’s go kidnap Major Monogram!”
Perry grinned and held up a role of duct tape.
“Oh man, I love you!”
.o.o.o.
Later that day
Candace looked at her phone, then back at the boys’ plane.
On the one hand, she was pretty sure Uncle Perry and Dr. D had no idea what the boys really had planned, thinking they were tracking the sun with astronomical stuff or whatever, not following it. And so maybe she should call to let them know what the boys were up to and bust this before it got out of hand…
On the other hand…looking at that giant map, they were going to Paris.
Where Jeremy was.
And it wasn’t having Jeremy in the apartment unsupervised if neither of them was in Danville, much less the apartment…
“This is going to be so awesome!” Vanessa said.
“Yeah, but what if something goes wrong?” Candace asked.
“Well, we stop in Japan, India, France, and maybe the east coast of the US for fuel, so that should be fine,” Vanessa said.
“Actually, we’re just stopping in Japan and France,” Phineas said. “India and the east coast are backups in case we need extra stops.”
“See, everything’s handled!” Vanessa said.
Candace pulled Vanessa aside, “Do you think your dad and Uncle Perry know we’re doing this?”
“…Why wouldn’t they?” Vanessa asked. “Phineas and Ferb do this kind of stuff all the time. Remember last summer when they found Atlantis?”
“Okay, yeah,” Candace said. “I’m sure it’s fine. Fine, fine.”
“Yeah, the boys told them what they’re doing and Dad and Perry said fine, right?” Vanessa asked.
“…Yeah,” Candace agreed. “Still, I think doing this for a bet is maybe a bad idea.”
“I’m more annoyed the bet’s so unbalanced—Phineas knows Buford’s fine with eating a bug!” Vanessa said. “But if it lets me see Paris, then it’s so worth it!”
“Yeah, that’s right. It’ll be worth it,” Candace said.
.o.o.o.
After a very long flight to Japan, during which they’d mostly slept to try and adjust to the time change, Perry and Heinz left the airport and headed to their hotel, Perry hauling along a unusually large bag they’d been forced to check.
Once they were inside, Perry opened the suitcase to allowed Monogram to fall out of it.
“Did you have to put me in the luggage?” Monogram asked.
“Well, yeah,” Heinz said. “What would people say if we tried to drag a person covered in duct-tape and gagged onto a plane?”
“And check me?” Monogram asked.
Perry said they couldn’t have possibly fit him in a carry-on and the major knew it. He asked if Monogram needed some water.
“I’m fine. And here I thought luggage got screened,” Monogram huffed.
Perry explained that Heinz had invented something to make it look like the crate was full of computer parts.
“Wow. You have devices to defeat airline security and…and this is what you use it for. Wow,” Monogram said.
Perry scowled, noting that Monogram could be a little grateful this was all they were using it for.
“Mr. Fletcher, you have kidnapped me across international borders. I do not have to be grateful for anything,” Monogram said. “Also, you didn’t have to kidnap me to get me here, I would arrive in Tokyo on my own in a few hours.”
“Ah, but then we would have such a short timetable to kidnap you and set up the rest of our devious plan!” Heinz explained. “This was way easier.”
“…Kidnapping me, inventing a way to disguise me as luggage, and stashing me in your hotel room was easier,” Monogram said.
“Well, yeah, the only real flaw is that we can’t have any fun until the convention,” Heinz said, grinning at Perry and waggling his eyebrows.
“You could lock me in the bathroom,” Monogram suggested.
“Pssh, and let you have a chance to escape? I think not!” Heinz said. “We’ll just have to save the couple-stuff for after we’ve humiliated you on the world stage, and embarrassed the International Good Guy Convention!”
Perry noted they had to have a high toleration for embarrassment with a name like that.
“The IGGC is a respected event!” Monogram protested.
“Not respected enough for people to get them a new name,” Heinz said.
“Urgh,” Monogram sighed. “Well. The convention’s not for a few more hours. What’s the evil plan until then?”
“Soap operas and authentic ramen!” Heinz said brightly as Perry grabbed the remote.
.o.o.o.
“Huh. Flying over the Pacific is actually kind of boring,” Candace said.
“There’s a reason a lot of people do these as overnight flights,” Buford agreed. “Just a lot of water…”
“Yes, but it is hard to sleep when following the sun,” Baljeet said, lifting a small sleep mask at apparently wasn’t doing its job.
“Try harder, our journey’s going to be at least twenty-four hours, so we’re going to need to get some sleep,” Phineas advised from the pilot’s seat while Ferb napped in to copilot’s seat. “And the Pacific’s going to be our biggest stretch of not much happening.”
.o.o.o.
“So…how does this plan of yours even work, anyway? You mock the fact that you kidnapped me, get thwarted, and then everyone goes about their lives?” Monogram asked.
“How is that a prank?” Heinz said. “No, no, we’re going to drop a giant water balloon on the convention and have you take the fall while mocking them about their name!”
“I take it Fletcher is off preparing this alleged giant water balloon?” Monogram asked.
“Yep! When he gets back, we’re going to have so much fun!” Heinz cackled.
“And how do you expect to frame me for this?” Monogram asked.
“Well, we’re going to have you on video confessing to it played as you’re caught on-stage with the release button!” Heinz said.
“…And why would I confess to that?” Monogram asked.
“Oh, we paid some hacker in Iowa to make a deepfake for us,” Heinz said. “I was just going to use my hands or an inator to move your mouth and imitate your voice, but Perry found this guy and it was a way better idea.”
“I rue the day you hired him. Much less started dating him,” Monogram said. “You did not need a partner with common sense.”
“Or those many muscles, I mean, mrowr,” Heinz fake-purred as Perry came over to them. “Got it all set?”
Perry asked why Heinz was talking to Monogram about Perry’s muscles.
“Because he rues that we’re dating and I like to brag about my awesome boyfriend,” Heinz said brightly. “Hey, hey, what’s that noise?”
Perry grabbed Monogram and pulled him along as they moved to a window.
“Huh, wonder why there’s a plane refueling in the streets?” Heinz asked. “With a catchy dance number, I mean, okay, that’s really getting me into it—Phineas and Ferb?”
Perry, Heinz, and Monogram’s jaws dropped as it looked like their boys hopping into the plane with their girls and the rest of Phineas and Ferb’s friends and taking off.
“Was that our kids? Why were our kids in Japan? And then leaving Japan?” Heinz asked.
Perry signed frantically for Heinz to call Norm.
“Right, right. Call Norm. Pick up, you bucket of—Norm! Where are the kids right now?”
“My sensors indicate they are nearing India.”
“Norm,” Heinz growled, grinding his teeth, “why are our kids ‘nearing India?’”
Perry mouthed “India?” in shock before punching the wall by Monogram.
Monogram sighed, “This does not sound good.”
“They are celebrating the longest day of summer in the northern hemisphere!” Norm said.
“Yeah, but, that’s not til tomorrow your time!” Heinz said.
“They are chasing the sun all the way around the world to celebrate it, sir!”
“They’re doing what?” Heinz asked. “Wait, wait, speaker. I’m putting you on speaker. Okay. They’re doing what?”
“They are chasing the sun around the world to celebrate the longest day of summer in the northern hemisphere!” Norm said.
Perry signed that it was supposed to be a party. Monogram quickly repeated it for the speaker, “Fletcher says it was supposed to be a party!”
“Oh, Stacy and I will set up the party for their return!” Norm said.
Heinz turned off speaker phone and covered the mouthpiece. “Somebody give me a really good threat for this robot. I’m too mad to think of one.”
“You’ll turn him into a typewriter,” Monogram suggested as Perry sighed and signed that it probably wasn’t Norm’s fault. Perry glared at Monogram.
“I’d turn you into a typewriter if Perry agreed with me that this was your fault!” Heinz snapped into the phone, hanging up. “Urgh. Prank’s off, Monobrow, we have to go wrangle children, you know how it is-”
“Not really, no,” Monogram said. “My son has never left the country unsupervised. Good luck with that one.”
“Tell me about—whoa!” Heinz said, getting yanked off the ground by an irate Peter the Panda. “Wait, wait, wait, we called it off!”
“Called what off? We just got here,” Mystery said, putting away the ray gun he’d aimed at Perry.
“Look, look, we were going to do this prank, okay?” Heinz said as Peter put him down and Mystery started untying Monogram. “But our kids did a thing and, and we need to go. Now.”
Perry nodded, already looking for flights on his phone. Norm had texted that he expected the next stop on their route to be Paris.
Peter asked if everything was okay.
“No, everything is not okay!” Heinz said tightly. “We just—uh-oh.”
“What?” Mystery asked.
Heinz pointed.
The camera that was supposed to broadcast Monogram’s speech was already on, and was focused on them.
Mystery turned to see that yes, they were all on a huge screen in front of the convention.
“…Your name is still stupid!” Heinz yelled at the convention-goers before grabbing Perry and running out.
“Look, that agent and masked man saved Major Monogram!” one of the convention-goers said.
“Uh-oh,” Mystery said as the ropes conveniently fell off Monogram at just that second.
“All right for good guys!” someone else yelled.
“No, no, no,” Mystery muttered quietly.
Peter asked if he was okay.
Mystery shook his head before fainting.
“…Well. Okay then,” Monogram said. “Ordinarily I’d tell you to go chase Doof and Fletcher, but…yeah, they’ve got enough to deal with right now. And Mystery is unconscious. That too. Let’s…uh…go to medical?”
Peter nodded, picking Mystery up and following Monogram.
.o.o.o.
Heinz spent the entire flight panicking.
“Do you think they brought food? What if they get hungry? What if they get lost? The planet is huge, Perry, huge!”
Perry did his panicking silently, not wanting Heinz to freak out even more by causing a feedback loop.
They’d sprung for the inflight wifi to text with Norm and Stacy. Stacy quickly proved to not know anything except that yes, a stop in Paris was planned, being more concerned with party-planning. Norm, meanwhile, had proved the limitations of technology to track the kids effectively across the globe, admitting that he was pretty sure they were in a mountain range in India, but not even having the power to specify which mountain in the range, before they were on the move again.
.o.o.o.
“Urgh, my head,” Mystery groaned. “Wait, where am I?”
“The medical center for the IGGC,” Monogram said.
Peter held up a note asking if Mystery was all right.
“No, I am not all right! I just got caught helping OWCA in front of an international convention of do-gooders! Why would I be all right?” Mystery demanded.
Peter admitted that it was definitely a bit awkward.
“A bit? A bit? My evil credibility is ruined!” Mystery groaned, flopping back on the cot.
“Erm. Yes. Well, if you’re going to pull through, I have a speech to do and several people to reassure after that little…incident,” Monogram said. “Peter, keep an eye on him.”
Peter signed that they’d figure something out and thinks would be okay.
Mystery buried his face in his hands. Everything was not okay. Everything was awful.