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(Deep breath, Steven thought as he closed his eyes. Take a moment to think of just ...
After a few moments of trying to literally breathe the frustration out of himself, the world around him faded. His eyes were closed, but he still saw.)
He was in a great expanse filled with white butterflies.
He was also not alone.
Steven saw himself-- the pink himself rather-- standing amidst the butterflies. He was staring right at Steven.
Steven lifted up his shirt and looked at his stomach.
His Gem wasn’t there.
(Steven then became aware, in real life, of his breathing getting rapid. It became harder to see in this mental space. Then his real hand felt for his Gem. It was still there. It was still there. He was fine. He knew that. His breathing slowed. He focused.)
Pink Steven ... well ... he stood there. Looking ... blank. Just like Steven remembered during the ...
Unpleasantness.
(In the beach house, he had to steady his breathing again. Get ahold of yourself. This is important, he thought. He didn’t realize his hands in real life were shaking until he forced them not to.)
Steven--in the dream space or fusion space ... whatever this was-- shook his head. He felt physically weaker but he knew he was safe.
He forced a smile.
“Hey ...” he said. His voice sounded weaker.
Pink Steven gave a shadow of a smile. He raised one hand and shook it slowly back and forth.
(It’s just you ... there’s nothing to be afraid of ... he told himself, not really believing that.)
The gemless Steven walked towards him. It was hard to walk, each foot feeling like two ton weights. He glared down at his feet.
“Come on,” he mumbled.
He felt a grip on his arm.
Pink Steven was right there. He’d only glanced down for a second. The gemless Steven hadn’t even seen him move. And his arm gripped now gripped his.
(Steven’s heart began to pound ...)
Steven’s legs bucked, but Pink Steven held him strong.
(His heart fluttered then slowed.)
“Oh ...” the gemless Steven said. He gave a single nervous laugh. “Thanks ... guess I haven’t gotten my sea legs yet ...”
Pink Steven didn’t laugh. Or move his face at all.
“... heh, yeah that wasn’t that funny. We aren’t even at sea. I guess I can’t pun well feeling weak ...”
Pink Steven lowered him to the floor. Gemless Steven sat down.
“Yeah ... this is better ...”
Steven looked up. Pink Steven stood awkwardly.
“Um ... you can sit down with me if you wan--”
The ground shook with a loud thud as Pink Steven seemed to anime flash-step to a sitting position.
“O-okay, there we go,” gemless Steven said.
Steven coughed. It took him a minute to get his thoughts together. He still had mostly the same thoughts they just felt... disjointed, mixed up ...
(It’s not real, you’re still both of them, the Steven in real life reminded himself. You’re still together. Everything’s fine. Everything’s fine.)
“So ...” the gemless Steven said. He wanted to ask what he’d come there to ask right away ... but he couldn’t get a handle on the words. He exhaled. Small talk helps. “So um ... you’re me?”
Pink Steven sat with his legs crossed. His expression was blank. He said nothing, only looked on as if enraptured. Or ... completely uninterested. He was hard to read.
“And you’re ... not my mom ...” Gemless Steven continued. He looked up at Pink Steven. “How’s um .... how’s that working out for you?”
Pink Steven didn’t move for a moment, then gave the slightest of shrugs.
Gemless Steven, despite himself, laughed.
“Yeah ... that’s a mood.” His smile faded slowly. “I thought we should talk about things.”
Pink Steven’s head tilted slightly.
“Or I guess you could listen I could just sit here and talk to myself ...” Gemless Steven blinked. “I-I mean I guess I’m already talking to myself just ... more so ...”
Gemless Steven cleared his throat. He didn’t know where to start.
(Neither did the Steven in real life.)
Gemless Steven exhaled. His breath felt short.
“So ... I almost died back there ...” he said.
Pink Steven’s head straightened.
“And I know that’s because you’re like... a part of me. Or ... we’re both a part of Steven.” Gemless Steven rubbed his head. “Sorry, being two people is confusing.” He chuckled. “I mean ... you know how it is.”
Pink Steven blinked. Once. Then didn’t again.
“And um ... that got me thinking like ... one day I’m ...” Gemless Steven gestured to himself. “Me, specifically, this part of Steven is going to die. Like ... eventually. Probably.” He exhaled. “Boy I wish I came with a manual to be sure of all this ... but ...”
Gemless Steven sighed.
(Here it comes ... Steven thought.)
“I ... remember how it was when you fought White Diamond. And how strong you were and how ...” Gemless Steven glanced up, then away. “How scary you-- I was.”
Pink Steven didn’t look away. His mouth curved downward.
Gemless Steven ran a hand through his hair. “And how everyone got hurt and it could have been worse. So like ... heh ...” He felt his already weak voice breaking slightly. “When the human part of me-- us dies ... is everyone going to be safe? Like you know ... Connie and the Gems and ... everybody?!”
Pink Steven didn’t answer. He only stared.
“I mean I just kinda thought like ...” Gemless Steven stood up with strength he didn’t know he had. “I dunno. Before I thought if that ever happened, mom would come back and you know ...” His voice got lower. “Maybe everyone would just find that ... okay.” Steven raised his voice. “But now! Who knows? Apparently I’ll turn into like an, I dunno a ... super... shield-waving scary Diamond ... man!”
Pink Steven glanced away.
(The line between Steven’s thoughts and the gemless Steven inside his head began to blur more.)
“So what do I do, you know?!” Gemless Steven shouted. “What’s the right thing to do to make sure everyone will always be safe? Everything is actually FINE now and I don’t--- I don’t want to look over my shoulder every minute worrying about what could happen and me dying just being, like, game over for everyone! How can I protect everyone from myself, huh?! Come on Steven, you tell me! What do I do? What’s the right thing to do?!”
Gemless Steven’s chest heaved (as did the Steven in real life) ... as he focused on the Pink Steven in front of him. Still looking away. Like he was ... ashamed.
Gemless Steven’s breathing got lower. He frowned.
“I ... I’m sorry ... I didn’t mean to yell at you ...” he said. “I just ...” He nearly collapsed into a sitting position, his face fell in his hands. “I’m just worried.”
He glanced up.
Pink Steven opened his mouth.
(Steven in real life tensed up, anticipating a loud scream.)
Pink Steven, in a whisper both like and yet somehow unlike Steven’s, said, “We.”
“... huh?” Gemless Steven said, craning his neck up.
Pink Steven gestured to Gemless Steven, then to himself.
“We’re ... worried,” Pink Steven said.
Gemless Steven stared at him.
“I ...” He ran a hand through his hair. “You’re... you’re right. I’m sorry. I’ve been thinking about this all wrong. You’re ... you’re not some new thing to be afraid of. You’re as much a part of m-- of Steven as I am. I guess I should already know that ...” He shook his head. “Maybe you’re the part of me that’s able to focus.”
“... we can focus?” Pink Steven said flatly.
Gemless Steven snorted and doubled over.
“Sorry that was ...” He smiled at Pink Steven. “That was funny. You’re funny.”
Pink Steven gave a small smile.
Gemless Steven smiled back.
“... you’d ... be alright? You know ... if I died one day?”
Pink Steven’s smile faded.
“... I don’t ... want you to ...” he said softly. Gently, almost.
“I know but ... one day it might happen. And ... I want you to not be upset about it. And I want to make sure everyone else would be okay and that you won’t like ... hurt anyone.”
Pink Steven said nothing for a moment then said, “I’ll ... protect them.”
“You wouldn’t try to hurt anyone? Like ... I dunno ...” Gemless Steven struggled to find the words. “Even if someone tried to hurt Connie or Dad? Would you hurt someone trying to do that?”
Pink Steven’s pupils became like dots. He didn’t move, but there was an almost heaviness that hung in the air. He said, narrowing his eyes, “Would you?”
(Steven’s hair on the back of his neck stood on end.)
Gemless Steven didn’t have an answer.
“I ... I don’t know but ... I like to think I would still ... try not to do that.”
Pink Steven stared, as if seeming to consider this, then said softly, “I will ... try.”
Gemless Steven smiled.
“I know you will.”
Unexpectedly, Pink Steven asked, “If I crack ... will you be alright?”
Gemless Steven’s eyes went wide. He honestly hadn’t even considered that question.
“Um ... well ...” Gemless Steven looked down at his stomach. He felt tired. Weak. “I’m ... pretty sure if you die like... not soon after ... I mean without you, I’ll probably--”
Pink Steven’s hand was on Gemless Steven’s hand, his face close to his.
“Try not to,” Pink Steven said. He squeezed Gemless Steven’s hand, as if afraid he were fading now.
“I ...” Gemless Steven nodded. “I’ll ... try ... I promise.”
Pink Steven grinned, showing his teeth. It no longer seemed unnerving, but comforting. After all, they were a part of each other. Gemless Steven smiled back as he gave the other part of him a weak embrace.
(The Steven in real life smiled ... and then ...)
... and then he was there, watching Gemless Steven and Pink Steven hug each other. He was just in that space, just like how he and Connie had been in fusion space with Stevonnie. He supposed that made sense, as much as anything in his life made sense anymore, at least.
Gemless Steven noticed Steven first. Pink Steven looked silently.
“Hey! It’s you!” Gemless Steven said. “We’re all together!”
“Yeah ...” Steven’s hand unconsciously went to the Gem on his stomach. “Yeah, we are.”
He walked forward and then, breaking into a wide smile himself, he hugged both parts of himself. They all shared a laugh---
(Steven in real life opened his eyes. He was on the couch in the beach house, his arms wrapped around himself in a self-embrace.
And he was still smiling.)