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It was hard to feel them growing closer with each other but fading from him. It was harder to see them pairing up in relationships, their odd number leaving him alone. It's was hard watching them all fall in love with each other, but hardest to have their group of seven become a relationship of six with a stray tagging along.
Yoongi was the stray. Of course, he was. Always busy making tracks, always the distant introvert, always the unwanted. And all his fault.
He had seen it coming, always able to pick up on others emotions. He had seen how close some of them had gotten. Watched Namjoon and Jin lean their troubles on each other, their responsibilities weighing them down until they dropped. Yoongi had tried to catch them himself, but he always seemed to get there too late, watching from far too close as they brought the other up, helping with the burdens until they could stand and carry them together. And Yoongi could only watch, too close but not close enough.
Yoongi had thought he had a close relationship with Hoseok, that they shared a humor and an understanding that the other members could never reach. But Yoongi should have known. Business partners. Just because he had few close friends did not mean everyone else had. And Hoseok, with the brightest personality, of course had closer relationships. Yoongi's perspective was just smaller, didn't have anything closer, anything more meaningful than the bond he shared with the younger rapper. Jimin and Hoseok though, they were something special. That relationship that only grew stronger was blinding to watch, their energy high, their emotions strong, whether happiness or sadness. Yoongi couldn't even hope to reach that type of understanding and bond.
With their youngest two, there never was anyone else sometimes. Just the two of them in their big world of memes, songs and artistry. Yoongi often thought that he could have gotten pretty close to them if he just wasn't so, him. They talked about art; songs that resonated with them, videos that could bring forth a meaning without specifying anything, pieces of paintings and photographs that captured an emotion no one could describe. It was terribly easy to get caught up in their conversations that Yoongi had no right to listen in on. Even when they sat in the living room with Yoongi present, Yoongi felt like he should leave, because, it wasn't like he was there either way, and then it probably was better not to listen in on their pretty conversations. But at first, he could rarely manage to tear himself from them, listening intently to the two boys that only had eyes for each other. Lately it was easier though, the heavy feeling in his chest stopping him from enjoying their thoughts.
Because they had started kissing. All three of the couples. Because that was what they were now, couples. Namjoon and Jin, Jimin and Hoseok, Jungkook and Taehyung. And Yoongi was not. He wasn't part of anything except their band, their band where all he could bring to the table was mediocre beats and lyrics too close to his heart that no one surely cared about.
Their honeymoon phase was probably one of the hardest periods he had been through. When a couple was fresh, they had eyes for no one else. Eyes, attention, and adoration all focused on one being, that being was of course not Yoongi. Not that he hadn't expected it to a certain degree, it's a well know phenomenon. But it felt a little harder. When he had asked Namjoon time and time again to come and listen to a track for his new mixtape that he was working on and got rejected every time because he was busy with Jin. He stopped trying in the end, brushing it off, his track wasn't important anyways. So, he went to his studio alone.
Jin being his only hyung in the group meant a lot too. It was normally him that dragged Yoongi out of his studio when he had been there too long, not eating or showering or anything. It was only after waking up with his head on his keyboard on the fifth day there, his stomach cramping with hunger and smelling horrible that he realized that Jin was not going to come.
He had come home then after taking a shower, expecting his younger teammates to beam at him when he showed his face again, but was met with no one. He stood in the hallway for a short time until he heard running. His lips twitched up slightly, waiting, only for it to drop and his face to freeze as Jungkook and Taehyung came and disappeared out the door with a shout, "We're going on a date!" It wasn't even directed at Yoongi, their eyes barely straying across his form as they yelled to whoever else was in the building.
Brushing off another hurt, he walked to the kitchen, ready to make himself some food for the first time in five days. Hoseok was in there, making some ramen and it smelled so delicious that Yoongi's mouth watered. He smiled at Hobi and asked if he wouldn't mind making some extra for him? "I'm sorry, hyung, it's for Jimin." The younger didn't even look up at Yoongi's sorry state. Yoongi felt as if a bucket of ice-water had been poured down his back and he stammered out an 'okay' as he backed out of the kitchen again. Food suddenly didn't seem like a good idea if the way his stomach rolled was anything to go by.
He shuffled by Jimin's room, the door open, and no matter what he told himself, he slowed down to see if Jimin would stop him and greet him, maybe asked if something was wrong. He had no such luck, and just as he was about to be invisible for the room, he looked in to see if he had noticed him at all, only to see Jimin smiling at his phone, everything else irrelevant. And Yoongi too, irrelevant.
Luckily the phase seemed to only last a couple of weeks. However, the damage was done. Yoongi was thinner, avoiding all food if he hadn't made it himself, not wanting to repeat what had happened with Hobi, not wanting to get rejected like that. He also had less of an appetite, something he already struggled with, as food was only energy to survive to Yoongi. He also avoided asking for their attention if he could avoid it, he shouldn't demand attention for them, they had more important people to care for and spend their time on, Yoongi wasn't special. He stopped saying yes to going out with them, partially because of the previous thoughts, but also because he didn't feel especially welcomed, like the third wheel of three separate bikes. And it was no one's fault, except his own.
One day, he was too lonely. Waking up and walking in on Jin and Namjoon being too domestic, Jin feeding Namjoon with the batter he was making, Namjoon leaning on the counted next to the oldest, watching him with a terribly fond graze as he made food for them. Yoongi wanted to gag, or at least voice a gag to lighten his heart, so that the freezing cold that ran up his spine could be drowned behind forced laughter and their moment would be broken. But Yoongi could never act so selfishly, scolding his thoughts. How could he even think about ruining someone else's happiness, someone who he cared for so much, just to make himself less miserable? He wasn't even sure if it would make him happier at all. Instead, he skipped breakfast, surprised when Jin told him he had made food for him too, but Yoongi knew he probably just felt bad for him, the incident with Hoseok playing in the back of his head. It was pity. So, he declined, he didn't want to ruin their moment no matter what his thoughts told him, lying that he was getting food later.
In the living room where Yoongi was looking to get his tablet, Jimin and Hoseok had occupied the entirety of the large couch. They were cuddling, Hoseok had his head on Jimin's chest, and arm wrapped around the younger's torso. Jimin stroking over Hoseok's hair and back, murmuring softly into his hair. Once again, Yoongi's thoughts turned cold and lonely, and he wanted to move up and lay himself across them, for them to wrap their arms around him as well, share their thoughts with him. Again, he restrained himself. And scolded himself harder, this time it wasn't just ruining their moment, but forcing himself into their cocoon, an unwanted person in such a precious relationship. He cringed at how awkward they would have become, not wanting to hurt his feelings, but still so uncomfortable with a third wheel, someone they didn't want to share their secrets with, someone not needed nor wanted. So he hurried to get his tablet and move out of the room, startled when a hand gripped around his thin wrist. Hoseok had moved his head off Jimin's chest and both were looking at him, faces that were normally so easy to read completely impossible. Yoongi cursed himself for breaking their cocoon and retrieved his hand from Hoseok's hold with an apology and hurried out of the room.
He passed Jungkook's room where both the owner of the room and Taehyung seemed to be in an intense make out session. Yoongi blushed and hurried onward, cursing Jungkook first for not closing the door, and them himself for reacting to his bandmates’ private session. Grimacing at the feeling in his lower stomach when his mind supplied the image of himself between them. He was so greedy. Because oh no, of course he couldn't just fall for one person, but six who all were in relationships that he had nothing to do with. Such greed was probably only making him less desirable, greed for love, maybe it was fairer to call it desperation. How he so desperately wanted for Jin to cook food for him, for Joon to look at him like he had done to Jin, for Jimin and Hoseok to share their cuddles and secrets, for Kookie and Tae to kiss him as well. To be held and loved, was that too much to ask? That thought was scoffed at, of course it was. He didn't do anything to deserve it, so he shouldn't ask for it.
But feelings were impossible to control and that included the loneliness that gripped him when the door of his room closed behind him. Instead of staying in his room, he rummaged his closet with tears welling up in his eyes. After finding what he was looking for, he stumbled out of the apartment, no one stopping him, even if he honestly had wanted someone to. He hoped that the walk to his studio would calm his thoughts, but time for himself when he was like this was always a bad idea. Nothing to distract him from the harsh thoughts that screamed at him, his own insecurities echoed back at him with poison dripping from the lies he didn't know were lies.
Inside his studio, the door double locked, soundproof walls easing him enough to let out the loud sobs, he stared at the blade in his hand. He hadn't used it in years, not since the danger era. And he hated himself of this. But he hated himself for other reasons as well. His selfish thought about his teammates. His teammates that he loved too much. Another waved of emotions crashed over him and he ripped off his pants. The sensitive skin on his thighs were almost scar-free. He had seldom cut deep enough to scar, not wanting to remember it, just have the pain, the punishment in the moment. There were a few, hand shaking enough to dug too deep, his thoughts screaming at him to bring more pain. But this time he was careful. The bade was blunt and it would take a lot of force to bring it deep enough. A blunt blade brought more pain for shallower cuts, stopped him from making scars.
And then he cut. Brought the blade slowly over the skin, his breath hitching as its blunt tip caused scrapes, blood-drops welling up in some places. His tears fell and mixed with the red liquid, stinging. He only cut a few, giving in to the panic attack bubbling up.
He stayed at the studio another four days, ordering food a couple of times, phone left at the apartment. Absorbed in his music and misery.
When he came back there no longer was three relationships, there was one with six members. And Yoongi was once again left behind.
He trailed after them like the stray that he was. Head low, emotions lower.
Why?
Was Yoongi really that horrible? Was he so undesirable and unimportant that they were able to form a relationship that consisted of everyone except him? Was he really so unwanted that they had to make it perfectly clear by excluding him from the group? Was this their way of telling him to quit the group? That they didn't need his crappy songs and terrible lyrics. That they were perfectly happy and content without him. And they seemed so happy.
The only time they didn't seem to be happy was when Yoongi was present, or knowingly present. Their eyes hooded by something dark, sad. Frowns on their faces, bodies stiff. And Yoongi could barely stay in the same room anymore. He didn't want to see how much he was hated, how much they wanted him gone. Because it hurt so badly. Because he loved them, with all of his heart, and they hated him.
But Yoongi allowed himself to be selfish, no matter how deep the six cuts were - six for the six he was disappointing, made for the selfishness that he let himself have. He stayed. Moved closer in on himself, crumbling on the inside and probably on the outside too. Because what was he if he didn't have music? No matter who lousy that music may be, it was all he was. The only other good thing in his world was his loved ones. Loved ones that hated him and didn't want him anywhere close to their relationship. Because, who would want him in such a perfect relationship? He was quiet, shy, not the confident, joyful type all of them seemed to be attracted to. And it was never clearer than now how much they didn't want him.
He was on the verge of crying almost all the time now. Eyes red even when he was not.
And then they started touching him. He shied away, always, a little scared that they were going to hurt him for not leaving yet, a lot scared of the touch he so desperately wanted. But it got worse. They smiled at him now, dragged a hand across his back that would have been welcomed if it was three months ago, now it made him suspicious and uneasy. They tried to hug him and pat his head, and when Yoongi didn't manage to dodge it he was always left with a warm feeling until he remembered his circumstances. Left wondering.
He had stopped eating dinner with them a while ago, but recently there was always a plate of food left at the table when they finished and Yoongi had gathered enough courage to move out and make himself food. He always stared at the plate, unsure what it was for, if it was meant for him, or of it was meant to remind him that he didn't get to eat in their house. He always ignored it either way.
Their touches lingered now, if they were allowed. And Yoongi hated himself for letting them sometimes. Because he had figured out why.
They had figured out he loved them and was now rubbing it in his face. They were teasing him. Showing him what it was like if they actually liked him back, and then kissing one of the other members in front of him, showing him what Yoongi could never get. He had even walked in on a group session of heavy petting that was happening in Yoongi's bed, all six of them smiling at him when he walked in, and he slammed the door, tears gathering as a sob lodged itself in his throat before running all the way to his studio. Another tactic to get him to leave. And it was working all too well, breaking him in the most horrible way. Another six got cut as his body responded all too well to seeing such a sight.
And that was when he decided. It was time to leave.
Yoongi wondered what he was going to do now. He had the money to live pretty comfortably the rest of his life, but music and BTS was his life. Would he be able to continue living after this? Without everything that was Min Yoongi.
He stayed in the office another couple of days, just to say goodbye. Goodbye to his studio where he had spent over half of his early twenties. He packed down the most valuable to him, the pictures of the members, some trinkets and the beat-mixer that had been his for years. The rest he could buy if he ever got the motivation to do music again after this.
In the end he had to go to the apartment and get his phone and most personal belongings. That was the last thing he'd have to do before leaving.
It was one am when Yoongi creaked open the front door. Just being in the apartment brought tears to his eyes, even more now that he knew it was the last time.
Yoongi figured they would all be in Jungkook's room or their own, so he sneaked past the other doors, eyes trying to remember everything on the way. Trying to remember the happy times he had had inside that home. There had been so many, even if they hadn't lived in that house for more than a year and for three months of that year, he had been pretty miserable.
The door to Yoongi's room didn't creak, so he pushed it up without much care and his eyes widened at seeing all six lay in a pile in his bed that was one of the smaller ones. A tear fell from his eye and he remembered that he was going to miss them, not matter how little they cared about him, he loved them still. But another feeling bubbled up as well, anger. They were taking it too far. Now he'd have to admit that they finally got what they wanted to their face, see their smug expressions as they won what they had worked so hard to achieve. Have them watch as he shamefully collected what mattered most to him. The birthday gifts that they had gifted him through the years, mementos of their travels, rings and bracelets that the members had given him. He was making it all to obvious how much he loved them.
He turned on the light and quickly got to packing, the bag he had wasn't too large, so he could barely spare any place for clothes except the clothes that were gifts.
"Yoongi-hyung?" A tired voice came from the bed, Hoseok.
Yoongi kept quiet, speeding up with his packing.
"Yoongi-ya? What are you doing?" Jin voiced and it seemed like the oldest had seated himself up on the bed, the rest waking up as well.
Again, Yoongi didn't say anything. They were well aware of what he was going, this was what they had wanted for a month. And finally, he was giving in.
"Where are you going, hyung?" Namjoon was standing now, from the direction of where his voice came from.
The room was silent except for the rustle of the others getting up from the bed.
"Hyung?" Jungkook and Taehyung asked in sync, like the power duo they were.
"Yoongi-hyung, you're scaring me," Jimin said, voice unsure.
"Yoongi-ya, where are you going?" Jin repeated what Namjoon had asked.
This time Yoongi huffed, tears silently sliding down his cheeks. "What does it look like? I'm lea-leaving." Yoongi cursed his body for hiccuping from chocked sobs.
And suddenly the room wasn't quiet any more. The only thing Yoongi managed to get out of it was them asking why and what he meant.
"I'm leaving. You win, I'll leave the group. I tried to stay no matter how-how selfish that was of me, but I can't anymore, you managed to bre-break me, congratulation. You win, you get what you want," Yoongi continued to fight back the sobs.
"But know that it was really cruel of you," Yoongi couldn't hold in the slight anger and hurt that was inside him. "That you knew I love you guys and you just tea-teased me. Let me ho-hope and then crush me further," Yoongi had stopped packing and was pushing his palms into his eyes. "That's emotional abuse and should be punishable for how much that hurt-hurts and break a person. But I guess it's okay since it's just, just me, and that's probably what I deserved. I don't really kno-know what I did, but I'm sorry I made you ha-hate me so much."
Two pair of arms curled around him, "Please, we don't hate you." "Yoongi, don't leave." They whispered, Hoseok and Taehyung.
"Yoongi, no, we love you," Jin pushed Yoongi's damp fringe from his forehead to try and get him to look up.
"Do-don't. Please, you've, you've already broken me," Yoongi cried harder, sobs making it harder to speak, limbs too weak to push them away, both from too little food for too long, and that he didn't want to push away the comfort, no matter how fake it was.
"It's true, please believe us!" Jimin cried, and Yoongi could hear the tears, just as he could feel Taehyung's and Hoseok's soaking his shirt.
"Hyung, we've always loved you," Jungkook's voice was shaking.
"We wanted you to be a part of our relationship before it was even formed, before the three initial relationships were even thought of," Namjoon tried, and Yoongi could hear him on the floor next to him. "We almost sort of bonded over the fact that we all loved you."
"Why are you doing this to me..." Yoongi sobbed, curling further into his knees.
"We were, please believe us," Hoseok mumbled into his shoulder. "We felt so terrible after we noticed that we had neglected you when the relationships first started, and we tried to bring you into ours."
"Ours as well, and the youngest ones' as well." Jin continued to run his hand through his hair.
"After that we grew closer over the love we had for you, please, it's really true," Taehyung said, voice thick.
Yoongi continued to sob, but he was listening, not really daring to, but too much of a fool to not hope.
"When we entered the larger relationship, it still didn't feel complete, we were missing you. And we were always sad when you were so close but we couldn't bring you as close as we wanted."
"You didn't hate me?" Yoongi mumbled quietly, so shy.
"No! Never, we just really wanted you closer," And Hoseok's arms tightened around Yoongi's waist. "But then we realized something was read wrong, and we tried to stop showing how much it hurt. I tried to smile more at you, and hug you like I used to, even if it hurt, especially when you would shy away."
"It was around that time we realized that you loved us as well," Jimin supplied, removing the half-packed bag, and dragging himself and Jungkook to sit in front of him.
"I must admit we were really bad at making the right decisions," Jin quirked a half-smile. "It was Taehyung's idea," At that Tae also tightened his hold. "He thought it would be best for you to confess once you realized that we loved you. So, we tried to make it obvious how much we loved you and lusted for you-" No matter the circumstances, Yoongi felt his cheeks flare. "But I admit that was probably a bad plan."
"You, you thought having me walk in on something I could nev-never have was a good way of getting, getting me to join?" Yoongi couldn't help but ask.
"Well, when we see it from your perspective it does seem very cruel," Namjoon mumbled, looking very chastised and sad.
"But you can have it, hyung. We really love you! And we really, really need and want and wish that you will be a part of the relationship as well," Jungkook almost begged.
Yoongi thought, this was all that he had wanted, what he had desired for over a year. That he might be able to have everything, everyone that he wanted to too good to be true.
"I don't know, if this even is true, it's too good to be real," Yoongi said, unsure
"Isn't that a good enough motivation to try at least," Hoseok said against Yoongi's neck.
"And it is true, it's a win win," Jin broke in, giving a smile.
"I'm not sure I'll be able to believe everything..."
"It's okay, we'll prove it to you every minute from now on," Taehyung smiled beside his face.
"We'll tell you every minute and show you every day," Namjoon agreed.
"Maybe not every minute, I like to be alone-" Yoongi mumbled, voice tilting enough to make it obvious he was cracking a little joke, "-sometimes."
"We'll remind you every time we want to and every time you need it," Jungkook nodded once as if enforcing that statement.
"I love you, hyung," Jimin whispered, a gentle smile on his face.
A then the others were in an uproar.
"I wanted to be the first one to say that I love Yoongi!" Hoseok cried, pouting at Jimin
The two youngest voiced similar statements until Namjoon cut them off.
"I love you, Yoongi," he held Yoongi's hand, Namjoon's larger and warmer one squeezing his.
"I love you too, Yoongi-ya," Jin smiled, hand still in his hair, expression gentle as he looked down at him.
"Hey! I love you more, hyung!" Taehyung voiced too loud next to Yoongi's ear, but Yoongi would want it any other way.
"I love you the most, Yoongi!" Hoseok said too loud into his other ear, and a smile threatened to surface on Yoongi's face.
Jungkook took his other hand with both of his, "I love you. We all love you, hyung."
And Yoongi felt tears for a whole other reason well up in his eyes as a smile made itself completely known on his face.
He was the last piece of the puzzle, because they hadn't been complete without him. And he was so happy.
"So, who gets to fuck him first?"