Chapter Text
2011- Trainees
I had signed with BigHit entertainment along with my trainee members Kim Seokjin, Min Yoongi, Jung Hoseok, Kim Namjoon, myself, Kim Taehyung, and Jeon Jeongguk. Everyone was getting to know each other and to be honest at first things were awkward and uncomfortable but other times it was fun and cheerful.
“Jimin-ah comes on it's time to practice,” Hoseok shouted from across the room, his body drenched in sweat but he was still managing to keep the energy going despite everyone else practically glued to the floor.
I wanted to throw up but there was no rest for those wanting to be stars and to make it to the top of the game. Jeongguk, being the youngest at age thirteen was especially the most vulnerable as he is home away and childhood consumed with training along with school at such a young age. While everyone is good at keeping the mood elevated Taehyung, Namjoon and I try to be the best at keeping the optimism going. Hoseok was also a generally happy person but with the stress of wanting to debut, he has his dark days, hopefully not for too long though.
“Hyung my leg is hurting! Just ten more minutes please.” I panted, my entire body was glued to the floor, I didn't care if my shirt was making a slight puddle of sweat bellow me I just wanted to rest. Hoseok, however, was not having any of it, he frowned a bit motioning up with the flick of his wrist.
“H-hyung you can do it, just 30 more minutes then w-we are done.” Jeongguk stuttered shyly, his voice quiet as he gave me a sympathetic pout, body soaked just as much as me. Like Jeongguk, Yoongi and Seokjin where pretty shy if not really sociable or cold but who could blame them for living with 7 total strangers. Groaning I pushed myself up and cringed at how sticky my skin became. So far the entire day was vocal training and dance practice of cover songs. The goal was to debut in the maximum of two years so we had to be in as good of shape as possible.
Bang-nim wanted to go for a cool hip hop style and although I liked some of the future songs we were playing around with one of the things that all the members agreed was the style. It was questionable and when Namjoon revealed his hairstyle…….well hopeful that won't stay for long.
“That the spirit Jeongguk-ah! Think about it as an exercise for your muscles before the end of the day.” Hoseok chuckled, his voice was strained and rough though. I could tell he wanted to take a shower and lay down as do we all. The dorm in which we were staying as was small with two bedrooms and only one bathroom. This means that most of the time two to three people had to shower at the same time because we were rushed with practice and schedules. Except for Jeongguk who would take his showers late at night.
“I hope this is all worth it in the end,” Jin muttered under his breath, he was frustrated with his lack of being able to pick up dancing and was scolded a lot of not trying hard enough. However, of all the Hyung he was by far the most determined to the point of practicing outside of the studio and even in his sleep according to Yoongi.
Once the 30 minutes was done I let out a relief, my body collapsing onto the floor like a limp noodle. I could feel my eyes get heavy as I was trying to fight the exhaustion off but it was proving to be somewhat difficult. Suddenly I felt someone grab my forearm, helping me up until I was up on my feet. Turning my head I saw that it was Jeongguk, he shyness showing when I lock my eyes with his. Everyone else was going through the door, the voices echoing off the walls.
“Thank you Kookie, it is good to have a sweet kid like you on the team, unlike Taehyung.” I chuckled, leaning up against him as we began to slowly make our way back to the dorm. Jeongguk smiled, giggling at my playful jab towards Taehyung. Once we got into the dorm first thing was that Namjoon, Yoongi, and Jin were sitting on the couch freshly showered from the grim and sweat, leaving Hoseok and Taehyung in the shower.
“H-Hyung you shower f-first when they are done. I will wait for you, you look tired.”
Frowning a bit I opened my mouth to ask him if he wanted to join because he was just as bad as me, his face shining with sweat and clothes glued to every inch of his body. However, like always he just shook her head before walked to sit on the chair next to Jin.
Shrugging I headed towards the bathroom, grabbing a fresh towel and some clean clothes before opening the door slightly. Luckily the bathroom was at least someone big but not by much, the shower, however, took up most of the room and was large enough for three if you can squeeze it all in. Hoseok was washing his hair singing with Taehyung while Taehyung joined in occasionally after scrubbing down his body.
“Mind if I join?” I yelled, giggling at Hoseok broken English.
“Of course Minne, we are almost done but Hoseok is being very entertaining right now so I didn't want to leave. I can help scrub your back if you scrub mine in return.” Taehyung said and I smiled, quickly stripping off my clothes with a disgusted grimace on my feel. It felt like peeling a second skin off my body, the sweat soaked my clothes that bad.
“Hyung what are you even singing? You are speaking nonsense with your broken English.”
Hoseok turned his head, playfully glaring at me as he rinsed out the soap in his hair. Taehyung had pushed me forward to now where I was in the middle being drenched in water before I could feel him scrub my back with my orange lemon body wash. Citrus scents were definitely my weakness.
“Oh like your English is any better and for your information, the song is called Somebody to Love.” Hoseok sang, his voice cracking a bit when he dramatically makes a heart gestures to Taehyung.
“Oh, who is it by? It sounds beautiful if you were to get the English right.” I asked genuinely curious because the melody, even if I didn't understand much English, was powerful. Taehyung tapped my shoulder, turning me around so I could scrub his back in return making to massage as I go as there were several knots. I could feel Hoseok hands in my hair, lathering it up while I help with Taehyung.
“It’s by Queen, have you not heard of him before? He is defiantly famous especially with that song among other things.” Taehyung chirped, turning his head a bit to smirk at my confused expression. Hoseok stiffened slight, whatever it was it was making him feel a bit uncomfortable but curiosity was having me spill my words.
“What do you mean among other things, did he commit a crime or something?” My mind was swimming with questions because when Taehyung gives that look there is always something mischievous about it.
Hoseok sighed, roughly scrubbing out the last bit of shampoo before applying the strawberry condition that my mom had sent over.
“Taehyung don't,” Hoseok said in a tight voice but I wanted to know and started to poke at Taehyung face with my chubby hands. Taehyung looked like he was debating between following Hyungs orders or giving into my pouty lips. In the end, no one can resist my pout face, even the oldest Hyungs.
“Oh what’s is it going to hurt him, he will search the artist anyway and find out. Might as well save you the trouble Minne. Queen is gay or bisexual but the artist never confirmed so it is speculation and rumors.” Taehyung sighed, giving Hoseok a frown when he had quickly stepped out of the shower as soon as he explained.
“What is bisexual?”
Taehyung smiled, picking up where Hoseok left off as I grabbed the citrus body wash to scrub my front. His long fingers were smoothing out my hair till there was some conditioner left to help keep my hair smooth and moisturized. Taehyung has never said anything to me about sexuality nor have I but then again there was some mutual respect as to not pry into it unless one of us spoke first. Biting my lip it made me reflect on my own self, I knew that I definitely like men but to say that I was completely interested men and didn't care about women I was not sure.
“It means you are attracted to both men and women. Whether that is wanting to have a sexual relationship with both genders or an actual relationship.” Taehyung hummed, pausing for a bit to hold my gaze softly, there was something in his eyes that was a hidden message. I opened and closed my mouth, trying to think of something to say without making it weird.
“Don't look so scared Minne, love is love regardless of genders. If you find someone you love then just remember to hold to them if they keep you happy and healthy.” Taehyung giggled, patting my head before stepping out of the shower to leave my thoughts to myself. Squatting down I sat on the tub floor, the hot water turning somewhat cold.
It took a long time to come to accept my attraction to men being in a conservative society especially when it was a sensitive topic. When I was 13 years old I had my first crush on my classmate, he was cute and shy like a puppy new to his surroundings. Turns out he was also interested in me, or at least I thought he was, and at first everything went smooth, we would play together in the park or go to Jeju island for the shore. My first kiss was with him and I can still remember it clearly it was turning the morning rise and there was hardly anyone at the beach during that time. Our parents were a couple of feet away to distracted with each other to notice. I remember my hands shaking so badly that my crush thought I was getting sick from the cold when but really I was just so nervous for what I was about to do.
With one glance at my parents, I turned back to my crush, yanking him by his shirt to push my lips against his. The first four seconds was magical and suddenly my entire body was filled with heat, like sticking your hands out towards a campfire. However, it quickly changed after that, suddenly he pushed me back with a shock and disgusted face. Closing my eyes I tried to erase the memories, he never talked to me again and the last thing he said was that I should pray.
I should pray
And so I did, crying, begging for God to take these feelings away but God was selfish and never did. After that, I used girls to try and wash away these attractions and some of them I did fall for but it was never as strong as falling for men. Either way when I enter high school and graduated last year I had made sure to have my fill of experience of dates but never beyond the point of kissing. Taehyung went to the same school and even though he had heard rumors he never said anything but just protected me and treated me as a friend. However, I’m still unsure of myself and sometimes I still pray to take away my sinful attraction but then I remember Taehyung words.
“You are not truly living if you hold on to your demons Minne, there is more to life than worrying about people who you can't change.”
Smiling I took in a breath, composing myself before standing up to shut off the shower. Quickly I grabbed my clean clothes, changing into them and let out a sigh of content. There was nothing better than a shower after your body has been drenched in sweat for several hours. Quietly I walked to the living and smiled when I saw Jeongguk was trying his hardest not to fall asleep. He still needed to take a shower and sleep when sweat on his face would definitely make his acne worse.
“Kookie,” I whispered, rousing him from his half sleep state. Jeongguk shot up, slowly registering me in from of him with a soft yawn.
“Sorry Hyung…..are you done with the bathroom?” Jeongguk said with a rough voice, he was still going through puberty hence the acne but also his somewhat high voice. Nodding my head I watched him for a bit as he wobbled into our shared room, carefully tiptoeing so the other won't wake the others.
Yawning I walked into the room, staring at each of the members faces before climbing up to my bunk. Within seconds I passed out, my body giving into much-needed sleep.
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“Hyung…..hyung wake up Jin Hyung is making breakfast.” A voice whispered in my ear and I knew it was Jungkook’s just by the way his pitch was. Slowly I turned my face, giving him a slight glare from disturbing me from the warmth of my bed. Just as he opened his mouth I placed a finger against it, effectively silencing him.
“Shhhhhh...Hyung is sleeping, go eat Kookie you're a growing boy and boys need food to get strong.”
Jeongguk gave me a light scoff, tilting his head to the side with an amused smirk stretching across his face. His small fingers poking my bare back when I turned around to bury myself further into the soft sheets.
“But Hyung by that logic you're a boy too, your still 16 so you need food just as much as I do. Plus I think Namjoon snuck in some chocolate cake for usssssss…...oh come on Hyung I want to eat with you.” Jeongguk whined softly, relentless poking my back and finally, I gave in, growling a bit in irritation as I sat up to give me a half ass glare. Even though the kid was cute he still was persistent as ever to an annoying end.
“Hey, I’m a MAN, not a boy,” I grumbled in annoyance but got out of bed, willing being dragged by a laughing Jeongguk who still teased me about my age. However, I knew deep down inside this 14-year-old boy was something special.
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2013
Two years have gone by and now we are two days away from debuting on June 13 with our first song “No More Dreams.” I felt like everything had changed so fast, one-minute Kookie goes from age 14 to 16, my entire body has now become like a sculptured god even though I still have a small frame and Jin Hyung along with Hoseok Hyung are practically the suns of the group. Taehyung as his cute language he does and well Yoongi and Namjoon are still the same, panicking the closer we are to debut date.
“Oh god, what if we don't become successful!!”
“I’m so scared that we wasted all this time for nothing.”
“What if we disband before we even have the chance to get to the top.”
“I’m gonna me-----”
“Namjoon-ah enough you are not helping anyone with your panicking ” Jin yelled in frustration, he glared at Namjoon pointing at the chair next to him as a command to sit down instead of pacing back and forth around the room. Namjoon shoulder flinched, slouching slightly as he sunk into the chair with a heavy sigh.
We were in the practice studio, for now, the fourth hour of the day, occasionally taking a small break to compose ourselves. Taehyung and Jeongguk were talking among themselves as Hoseok was still practicing with Yoongi while Jin was trying to calm down Namjoon from panicking too much. However, the only thing that I was focused on was Jeongguk, in fact, it seems to be the only on my mind these days. He was growing up and I could tell even at age of 15 his parents have blessed his face with handsome features to grow into. Frowning I smacked my cheek a bit, trying to get rid of this feeling my chest.
I knew that I was starting to develop some attraction to him but I didn't know what it was and furthermore.
I was scared to death
“Jimin Hyung!! What are you staring off in space for?” Jeongguk smiled, his head tilted to the side with a slight pout. Taehyung had been glued to his side for the past two years now and I didn't know how to feel about it, I knew that Taehyung was social but I couldn't help but wanting to snatch Jungkook away from others.
Laughing nervously I looked between the two, glaring slightly at Taehyung’s hand that was resting on the back of Jeongguk neck. Taehyung wasn't looking thankfully but Jeongguk shuffled a bit, noticing my stare before standing back up once Hoseok called off the break.
“Alright from the top my people!!” Hoseok shouted out and so the long day continued.
It was almost midnight by the time we were done and I felt like my heart was going to explode out of my chest. I was more nervous about the performance than I was about showing my abs, which I had work my ass off to retain.
“Jin Hyung is it normal to feel like your entire body is on fire…..I think my heart is defected……..oh my god I’m gonna die!” I gasped, clutching my sweat-soaked shirt. Jin was laying down next to me, his head resting on my arm. We were both too exhausted to walk back up to the dorm and decided to spend some time lying on the floor to catch our breaths.
Plus Jin wanted extra help for the dance but was too intimidated by Hoseok serious dance instructor mode. It was commercial the way he had approached me with nervousness and a fiddling hands, it reminded me of Jeongguk before he got confident for his own good.
God dammit stop thinking about Jeongguk
Jin laughed, his windshield wiper laugh was intoxicating and I could not help but laugh, curling upward because of how much my stomach was hurting.
“You're not going to die! And that is just the feeling of youth running through your body Jimin. Your only 17 and have so much to explore…..embrace it...like you embrace a hug from your loved ones.” Jin mused, his smile stretching more when he looked at my confused but entertained face.
There were some things about Jin that was amusing and this was one of them, he can be both ridiculous poetic, serious and funny all at the same time. Giggled I turned my body to face him, wrapping my arm and leg around his waist.
“That feeling of youth is going to burn me from the inside out! Hyung your advice is not that very good, you talking about embracing fire which is very bad and deadly. Why would you want me to embrace something that can kill me?”
Jin turned his head, a small glare but otherwise playful smile when he swatted at my arm. It was nice to hang out with, getting to know the Hyung’s one by one and I was glad that he was not as cold as he seemed to be in the beginning.
“That's preposterous Jimin-ah, of course, I’m giving you great advice, remember that when we are rich and famous that your Hyung gave you precious advice. Only to you and nobody else has heard the gift of my words, hell I’ll even give you an autograph if you're extra nice to me.” Jin snickered, turning his body so we were tickling each other without mercy.
“Your ridiculous H-hyung!! Y-you're the one whos gonna be b-begging for my autograph.” I yelled, trying to get away from Jin hands who were tickling me relentlessly. Jin was smiling from ear to ear, his eyes swelled almost shut with tears pricking his eyes.
“Oh really! Our little ChimChim is getting confident, I knew ever since you got abs that you would be more cocky about yourself.” Jin chuckled, now sitting on my stomach to have better access to my sides. Letting out a yell, I squirmed, laughing at the ticklish sensation as I tried to get away.
“OKAY!! MERCY!!! MERCY!!!!!”
“What do I get in return.” Jin hummed, smirking down on me as I painted underneath trying to control my rapid heartbeat. Rolling my eyes I stared back, trying to use my cuteness on him but he was not having any of it. He just continued to stare down at me with a smirk, crossing his arms over his chest.
“Don't act all cute, it's not gonna work, I see how you use it on the others but you are not fooling me.”
Sighing I dropped my pout, raising myself onto me elbows to stare at him dead in the eyes.
“What do you want,” I said with a deadpan voice in which Jin smirked, leaning to bring his face closer to mine. Jin was a flirt like me, but this was like a game to us and in a way it was practice for the both of us. We were not allowed to date at all so with six hormonal pent up male, it was easy to turn towards one another for relief, even if it was only worlds.
“Pay for late night snacks for the next three days.”
“Oh come on Hyu----”
Jin immediately reached down, digging his hand in my armpit. I screeched, trying to scramble away as he started to tickle me without any sympathy.
“OKAY DEAL DEAL!!!”
Jin stopped, pulling his hand back to push himself from off of my stomach to stand over me with a smudged smile. Grumbling I took his, hoisting myself up before the of us walked back to the dorm. The deal would not start until the next day and I know that it would be just like Jin to remind tomorrow until I give in.
“I’m gonna take a shower first okay Jimin-ah. There are leftovers in the fridge, help yourself it looks like everyone else might have gone to sleep.”
“Okay Hyung. Goodnight.” I smiled, giggling when he blew me a kiss before he disappeared into the room. Without wasting a second I opened up the fridge licking my lips as I spotted leftover Chinese and one slice of chocolate cake. I knew that I really shouldn't but the temptation was overwhelming. I could always throw up the food afterward anyways but then I promised myself that I would try to get better with keeping my food down.
Shakily I grabbed the small bowl to fill up with the Chinese food, placing it in the microwave for two minutes. Hungrily I practically engulfed my entire meal, not stopping to even breath until the entire thing was gone. Sitting there I stared at the fridge, clutching my stomach as I battle with myself in my head.
“Fuck it.” I hissed, standing up and wrenching the fridge open to give a death glare to the chocolate cake slice.
“You are a little devil tempting me with you delicious chocolateness……”
Biting my lips I grabbed the plastic plate, closing the fridge with the other hand. Sighing I set the plate onto the counter, grabbing the metal fork to tap against the bottom of my lip. It was a struggle but finally after arguing with my mind, I cave in.
“But you're oh soooooooo good to me.” I moaned, licking my lips as I pressed my fork down to collect a piece. Just as I brought the piece to my mouth suddenly the room door open, and I quickly stuffed the piece in my mouth, using my arm to shield my guilty pleasure.
“Hyung what are you doing?” Jeongguk said with surprise, noticing the way my arm was awkwardly angled and how my cheeks were puffed up with. Slowly I tried to use my tongue to push down the cake without Jeongguk suspecting me but it was useless.
“Your eating the cake aren't you.” Jeongguk sighed, however, his soft smile was giving away signs of endearment. I tried to open my mouth to defend myself but Jeongguk just shook his head, taking the seat next to me. Defeated I swallowed the cake, pulling back my arm to reveal the slice in which Jeongguk giggled lightly before grabbing the plate to be in between us.
“You're supposed to be in bed.”
“And you're not suppose to be eating cake but here we are.” Jeongguk snickered, taking the fork from my small hands to twirl in between his long slim fingers. For about a minute neither of us said anything but just stared at the cake, both of us debating.
To eat or not to eat that was the real question
“Lets just not tell the others, if they ask then I’ll take the blame for you.” Jeongguk smiled, dipping his fork into the cake the slice to take a bite. I watched as he closed his eyes, lips parted into a slight smile, happily innocent but there was that feeling in my chest again. Clenching my jaws took the fork from his hand, stuffing in another bite to distract me from my real problem.
“T-thank you. Why aren't you sleeping anyways? It’s almost 2 in the morning.” I could feel my face become flustered as soon as my voice stuttered, cursing to myself inside my head. Jeongguk lips twitched upward, a small chuckle escaping his mouth as he finished off the last bite.
“I couldn't sleep so I tried to play Overwatch to calm down my nerves but that ended up just waking me up more. Then I saw Jin had finished his shower and I knew you too stayed behind so I figured you would be awake.”
“Video games never help make you fall asleep Kookie-ah, I thought you learned that last time you were playing.”
Chuckling I got up to throw away the plate, smiling at Jeongguk who looked at me with a smirk on his face. Just as I was about to turn around to face him I felt his arms wrap around my shoulder, pulling me into a back hug with his chin rested on my shoulder. Leaning my head back against his shoulder, we just stay like that neither of us moving because tomorrow would be pure panic.
“Well Taehyung wanted to play and then after he went to bed there was no one else up. I was waiting for you cause I like how we have our late night talks anyways.” Jeongguk sighed, pulling me until he was pressed against the counter when my back still against his chest. Smiling I looked at his clasped hands against my hardened abs, but then again who wouldn't love the feeling of hardened muscle against their hands.
“I think you waited for me cause you wanted a hug.” I giggled, Jeongguk let out a puff of air against my neck but his hands stayed ether way.
“Maybe that's true, maybe it's not…………..to be honest I’m nervous about debuting. I can't seem to shake off my anxiety every minute that we get closer to debut day.”
His voice became small and it brought me back to when he was just a trainee on the first time, he was so scared that it was adorable. Grabbing his hands, I turned around, bring them to my chest to hold them firmly, reassuring that he would be fine.
“Don't get all Namjoon on me, you are going to be great. WE are going to be JUST FINE I promise I won't let anything bad happen. Besides if this ends up working out, we might actually have a chance of being happy not just for us but for our families. I say we celebrate after the debut to cheer everyone up, how does that sound?”
Smiling big I cooed at Jeongguk when his lips began to wobble a bit, his eyes and nose scrunched up as if he was trying to stop himself from crying. Quickly I cupped his cheeks, singing softly to him as I forced him to hold my gaze. Seeing my members cry was heartbreak but seeing Jeongguk break down was absolutely gut-wrenching that I wanted to shield him from everything.
“Hey hey why are you crying? Don't cry, Hyung hates to see his bunny sad.” I whispered, not realizing that I had said bunny until it was too late. Jeongguk eyes went wide, tears falling down from his face but quickly wiped away his tears and I stepped back awkwardly coughing a bit as I felt a blush creep up my neck.
It must have been five minutes of just pure awkward silence, the slight tension between us was somewhat thick.
“I-I…..g-goodnight Hyung.” Jeongguk stuttered, quickly turning to head to our room but just as he was about to disappear into the room he turned his head towards me. My face was still redden and flush, lips slightly parted to say something but how to you come back from calling someone who is your possible secret crush “bunny.”
“Thank you for convincing me to stay in the group instead of staying a dancer apprentice. I hope that you're right about us being successful.”
Finally catching my breath I opened my mouth to say a few words, sweaty hands becoming slightly uncomfortable.
“I hope so too….g-goodnight.” I stuttered, clawing slightly at my face as soon as he went into the room. I crumpled to the floor letting out a slight scream at how idiotic I was for letting my emotion get the best of me.
Too afraid to face him in the room, I laid down on the couch, curling up between the pillows and blankets.
stupid….Park Jimin you're so stupid