Chapter Text
All Asgardians were banned from traveling to Midgard outside of official missions from the King. When Loki and Thor were taught this lesson the young Princes had two very different reactions. Thor grumbled but ultimately accepted whereas Loki became lacked onto to the idea of one day he would go and see Midgard for himself. Because rules were only to be followed by people who weren’t clever enough to get away with breaking them. People like Thor. Which is why, while Loki often starred in his brother’s adventures, the Thunder God was rarely invited to take part in Loki’s.
At only three hundred years of age the dark haired prince discovered the secret of the portals which connected Asgard to the other eight realms through the Yggdrasil, World Tree. Finding them set Loki free to explore the nine realms. He thrilled in knowing he went where he wished without needing to ask his father’s permission. That his actions were unaccounted for made his freedom all the sweeter.
Midgard was just as undeveloped as his studies led Loki to believe but there was something to spending time among people who valued his skill with magic. Some of the simplest tricks would leave those he met in awe. Of course Loki had to restrain himself from showing the true berth of his abilities. He couldn’t be too showy or risk drawing attention which may reveal his true identity. Still, it was nice for his talents to be appreciated when his studiousness and pursuit of the magical arts drew sneers, jests, and judgment from the ignorant warriors of Asgard.
Unfortunately the enacting of the Statue of Secrecy changed this. No longer were magicals allowed to practice where they pleased. While Loki had not relish having to hold himself back in order to pass as a mortal wizard it had been acceptable. Having to walk about pretending to be a mundane human chaffed. Being shackled in this way made Midgard loose some of its shine for Loki. Fortunately the rest of the universe provided ample distraction as at over a thousand years of age Thor and Loki were now permitted to leave Asgard on missions for their King Father and adventures through which they were meant to gain experience and burn off some of the ‘recklessness of youth.’
Loki still tried to visit Midgard from time to time. Every decade or so, though occasionally it stretched out to twenty years or more. That is until the Migardian ‘muggles’ started inventing and progressing at surprising speeds. When it seemed they were finally making moves towards advancement Loki found himself visiting more often to bear witness to this progression.
As with many cultures war helped to encourage the muggles innovation. Their second ‘World War’ caused some interesting developments indeed. The majority of the wizarding world was focused on their latest Dark Lord, one Gellert Grindelwald. Loki was unimpressed with the wizard. But, his attention had been captured by the creation of the ‘Red Skull’ by Dr. Abraham Erskine.
Some of the more intelligent magicals had the presence of mind to see a threat and opportunity when one presented. They kept close to Dr. Erskine while Loki was forced to keep his distance. He knew that many out in the cosmos turned their eye to such dramas for entertainment and escape from their own lives much as he experienced through his visits. It would not do for any of these viewers to become aware of him because Loki indulged his curiosity. With the Doctor’s next attempt at making a super soldier on the horizon Loki avoided the temptation by going off on a quest with Thor, his Warriors Three, and the Lady Sif. But when it was over he hurried back to earth to find out what had happened. It was then that Loki learned of Dr. Erskine second creation. One ‘Captain America.’
As the war carried on Loki kept an eye on these two metahumans but when the Captain and the Skull were lost it didn’t kill Loki’s interest in the muggles and their progress. The same could not be said for Midgard’s magical peoples who’s culture and advancement had become all but stagnant. Contrasting them against the potential their muggle counterparts were proving humans to have was depressing. It became clear to Loki that when a time of conflict came between these two the magicals would loose.
Rather than driving Loki away he found himself more drawn to Midgard for it. Loki reveled in looking for the hidden gems of experience and knowledge that Midgard had to offer before they were lost to the ever turning wheels of time. By the Midgardian calendar the year was 1979 when Loki came across one such gem who changed his destiny.
Another war was taking place on Midgard though this was hardly surprising given how often they came into conflict with each other. This particular civil war was taking place in the Wizarding World. There was a new Lord using much the same rhetoric as his predecessor Grindelwald to proclaim the superiority of magicals. Specifically he focused on the value of ’pure’ blood which was not ‘tainted’ with muggle ancestry. It was an ignorant and misguided ideology but one with fervent followers.
Pressures had been quietly building towards this confrontation for decades with actual declarations only coming some nine years prior. The number of casualties had mounted into the hundreds since then with magical and muggle blood alike being spilled. Entire families were pruned down to a scant few surviving branches if the tree still stood at all. With these cullings a flood of ancient artifacts and family heirlooms had entered the market. Among them were pieces of Midgard’s magical history and innovations that interested Loki greatly. The tensions in the Wizarding world did not.
After finishing a deal in Knockturn Alley Loki passed through the Leaky Cauldron to head out into Muggle London with the intention of finding himself a drink and a meal before returning home to Asgard. The weather was cold which Loki did not mind but when the rain began to fall he was forced to move inside or be drenched. Feeling resentful that he could not simply use magic to protect himself he moved into the nearest shelter which proved to be pub.
Loki would have preferred to spend his evening somewhere more upscale but the establishment was serviceable. It was certainly better than the kind of establishments his brother and comrades usually favored when journeying off world. Moving towards the bar he inspected the premise to see if there was anything interesting about. After all, opportunity could be found in the most unlikely of places. In his search Loki’s attention was captured by a head of brilliant red hair belonging to a woman with a wand holstered and hidden under her right sleeve.
Her name was Lily Evans. She had come to this place in the hope of drowning her troubles without running into any friends or enemies. She was not enthusiastic to have another magical intrude on her night but she begrudgingly allowed Loki to buy her a drink and soon the two were talking, holding conversation with ease. Beauty could be found easily but Lily had more than beauty. She had a mind and an energy to her spirit that drew Loki in. She kept his attention with her charm and wit while he won her over with his own.
Previously Loki had regularly broken Asgardian law by coming to Earth, but he had never taken a lover while there. Asgardians did not approve of taking lovers from other races. Odin himself made his opinions on the matter perfectly clear and Frigga, Loki’s mother never contradicted them. Loki had always seen it as wise that they remain segregated from the mortal races. Why grow attached to people who would die after perhaps only a century if they were lucky enough to last that long? But there was something about Lily which made Loki forget such wisdom. He asked to share his night with her and after that night was spent, he asked if they could meet again.
Their affair lasted a mere nine months but for that time Loki found himself completely enamored with Lily. He thought about her to the point of distraction. It did not go unnoticed by others that he was besotted with some mystery person and regularly making excuses before running off to places he would not name. That the others had noticed worried Loki some and yet he increasingly journeyed to Midgard in search of Lily’s company.
He knew in the time since their first night together she had married. She never spoke of another but unlike Thor Loki did not need to be told things to see the truth. The fact that she was not his but another's stirred some jealousy in him which Loki refused to acknowledge. He told himself that it was for the best as he could not properly claim her himself.
Loki deluded himself into thinking he could forever be content so long as Lily still answered his calls. He never asked her about her spouse. He never gave a sign that he suspected she was anything but unattached. In their times together they talked about many things but not that. They spoke of their families and friends, dreams and resentments, their battles and the war, but never that. Loki in turn never shared with her his true origins and what truths he did share were altered to fit with his ruse of being a pure blood from America.
It was the start of December that same year when Loki’s happiness came to an end. He came to Midgard expecting to meet with Lily as they always did but, when he sent his invitation Lily denied him and asked he not contact her again. Worried and foolishly thinking that perhaps she was acting under duress Loki used a strand of Lily’s hair -one of several he had saved- to track her down.
He found her in a village with her husband, breaking their fast at their kitchen table. He was surprised to see just how alike he and the man were to each other in look but the similarities between he and Loki’s Potter disguise was uncanny. The logical conclusion to Loki’s mind was that Lily’s husband was a genuine Potter or at least shared blood with them.
Seeing the seemingly happy young couple together might have been enough to cause Loki to leave and see to his wounds without confronting Lily had it not been for the stress he could see in his lover’s face and baring when she believed no one to be watching. That stress fed his worry. He could not bring himself to leave without answers.
After finding a place for his body to rest Loki cast his astral self out into the world. He traveled undetected into Lily’s home. Despite the pain it caused him he forced himself to inspect the house and eavesdrop on the conversation of its occupants. He learned that the husband was indeed a Potter. In fact the last of the Potters on these shores. Mister Potter was also hopelessly in love with Lily. As much as he might wish to deny it Loki could see this clearly, just as he could see that Lily did indeed love her husband even if her heart did not reflect the same intense devotion this James had for her. But surely these feelings were not something new. Loki did not believe it was a new found love for her spouse that caused Lily to so abruptly end of their relationship. Surely she had loved Potter for some time, yet she still willingly proceeded in their affair. There was something new motivating her and he would not leave until he understood it.
As he approached Lily he used his magic to check that she was well and acting under her own authority. What he sensed from her shocked Loki into retreating back to his body.
Lily was pregnant. Shocking in itself, but given the way his magic had lashed against his control, trying to break free to envelop the fetus Loki could only assume it was his child. That its development was in line with his last visit supported this conclusion. Loki did not know what to think of it, and not knowing what to think he chose not to think at all until he could discuss the matter with Lily.
Some hours later Potter left with some friends. Lily saw them off with a smile but it fell the moment they were gone. Looking weary she headed to the garden where she sat herself on a bench. Staring out blindly at the world around her one hand rested against her stomach while her other fidgeted with her wedding ring.
Revealing himself to her eye Loki started up the garden path.
Lily looked surprised to see a visitor than scared at the sight of him before her expression became cold. Crossing her arms she looked at Loki not as a lover but as an advisory.
Without conscious thought Loki’s face adapted to match.
When he came to a stop an arm’s length from her the two stared one another down with Lily’s gaze challenging him to dare speak while Loki’s looked on judging her for not daring to speak herself.
With his patience at an end Loki broke the silence between them. “You’re pregnant.”
He took some small pleasure that his proclamation caused Lily’s breath to catch in her throat.
Guiltily she looked away. Her eyes stared unseeingly past him as she nodded.
“It is mine.”
With her eyes tearing Lily shook her head in denial of what he knew to be true.
“I’m sorry,” she said with her voice full of regret while cold anger and pain pierced through Loki’s core. Had Lily been looking at his face the fury she saw would have terrified her into silence but as she could not bring herself to look she was able to say her piece. “I love my husband. I love him and this baby… I need it to be his. No matter how it came about, I want it to be his.”
Closing her eyes, Lily waited for Loki to respond. She looked braced for an attack and part of Loki wanted to meet her expectations.
How dare she! How could she think he would allow this? He may have been willing to accept that Lily was not his to lay claim to but this was his child. He had every right to take his place as their father and yet she thought to never give him the chance to claim it. Rather than telling him she’d cut ties, leaving it to Loki to hunt her down and discover the truth for himself. She intended to give his child, his first born to another man! Why should the one lucky enough to already have Lily’s hand and heart have his child as well?
Loki was ready to tell her all of this. He was ready to go to war over it if she forced him. Had it been Thor in his place the words would have left his lips before the more practical side of him could rear up. But Loki was not Thor and as such his practical nature prevailed, rising up in time before his temper led him to charge ahead.
For all that Loki may want some claim on this child… what kind of relationship could he truly maintain? Loki Odinson had not fathered this child. Loki Odinson, Prince of Asgard, God of Mischief had never set foot on Midgard for to do so would be a direct violation of his Father’s Edicts. Loki Odinson could have no child by a mortal woman for such a match and such an heir would never be accepted by his King nor their people. No, this child was no child of Loki Odinson. This was the child of Lauren Potter, an illusion and a falsehood that was nothing but smoke and lies. What kind of father could such a fiction be? How much of a role could he have in his child’s life without putting them both in danger of discovery?
Taking a deep breath Loki forced himself to act above his anger.
Sitting down on the bench besides Lily he took her hand in his. She tensed at the uninvited touch but he ignored it.
With weight to his words he proclaimed, “Whatever claim I have on this child I hand into your care.”
Guided by his intent his magic responded causing Lily to gasp as she felt the impact of what he was doing. Her hand squeezed his, holding to it tightly.
With tears coming to his eyes Loki forced himself to continue. “I renounce my rights as Father to you their mother, so you may give them to the one of you're choosing. I do this of my own free will with no ill feeling for this child. My blessing I give onto it with every desire that they should be born healthy and strong, to grow to happy and wise.”
Wrapping around the child his magic gave it what it could while smothering the tentative connection that existed between the two of them. The connection could not be erased or severed entirely but this forfeiting would dampen it, allowing for other magical bonds to take its place.
“Thank you,” Lily told him sincerely but Loki was in no mood to accept her gratitude.
Releasing her hand he told her, “Goodbye Lily,” before vanishing from sight.
He thought to return to Asgard. He thought to hold off visiting Midgard again for perhaps a decade. Loki thought he with his silver tongue he could talk himself out of grieving. The master of deception managed to fool himself for only seven months before the unaddressed pain and longing in his heart became to much to bear. He found himself back outside Lily’s home with a bouquet of flowers in hand and a present secreted in his pocket. A present he never did give over.
After checking that the husband was not in residence Loki went to the front door to knock. He knew not what reception he would receive but the relieved smile on Lily’s face when she answered was better than he’d hoped for. His attention however was quickly drawn away from her smile to her heavily pregnant stomach. On Asgard pregnancies were rare as people had such long lives to go about such things, but being a traveled man Loki was not unfamiliar with the sight. Nonetheless it was jarring to see Lily so changed with the evidence of their child when in his mind she should still be as he saw her last.
“Are those for me,” Lily asked, amused to see him so wrong footed but the gentle teasing fell flat to Loki’s ears. The humor and easy familiarity they previously held between them was gone.
She accepted his flowers before inviting him into her home. She offered him tea and a chance for them to speak but made it clear that should her husband arrive home early she would need him to leave immediately.
“He knows about us then.”
“Yes,” Lily admitted with a weight of guilt. “I confessed when I told him about the pregnancy. At first I hadn’t planned to. I thought about keeping it a secret, but after you had the strength to do what you did, I decided I needed to have the strength to do right by James as well.”
Loki fought not to grimace. “How did he take it?”
For a moment Lily did not answer. When she did it was little more than a whisper.
“Better than I deserved,” she said and left the matter at that.
From there they talked about trivial things; Lily’s pregnancy symptoms, baby proofing the house, and of course the war which brought a shadow to Lily’s face even as her jaw set with determination before seeming to change the subject.
“I didn’t think I would be seeing you again,” she said before taking another sip of tea.
With a slight coolness to his tone Loki replied, “You don’t seem upset to have been wrong.”
Lily shrugged. “I didn’t think you would come back. That goodbye of yours seemed rather final and I’d asked you not to, but it didn’t take long for me to hope you would reach out again.”
“Please tell me you are not about to say something about staying being friends,” Loki sneered making his distaste for the sentiment clear.
“No, I didn’t want you coming back for my sake,” Lily denied. Placing her hand over her stomach she held his eye. “But for hers.”
Loki tried not to visibly react. “It is to be a girl then,” he asked sipping his tea.
Lily nodded. “Harriet Fearn Potter.”
A sharp pain coursed through Loki’s chest at the announcement. Fearn was a name that in truth held no sentiment for him but it was the one he given for his mother when telling Lily about his family.
“Why,” he asked her with his pain on display.
Looking into his eyes Lily reached out for his hand. Feeling weak he let her take it.
Earnestly she told him, “Because I want you to have a connection to my child even if you won’t be her father.”
Loki brought his other hand to cover theirs. “I don’t understand,” he confessed. The anger and pain in his tone making it clear he wanted her to explain.
“Plant names. Girls in my family are always named after plants, do you remember my telling you that?”
Loki nodded. “Petunia for your sister, Ivy for your mother, Daisy for her sister who died, and Lily for you with more going back through the generations.”
Lily smiled, touched. “James didn’t remember Daisy. I told him about her, but he forgot. He remembered the tradition though. He didn’t question me when I said we should name the baby Harriet if it was a girl. We’d already decided on Harry for a boy. It’s a family name and similar to Henry, James’ grandfather which makes him happy. I wanted it to help show that this was his child. I wanted James to feel that sense of connection every time he hears the name. He thinks I’m claiming her middle name to carry on my own family tradition but I’m not. I’m naming her Fearn in the hopes that it will help to keep you connected to her, reinforcing it ever time you hear her name.”
“But why,” Loki demanded angrily.
Lily was unaffected by his aggression. “Because we are in a time of war and this little girl is going to need every advantage she can get. You said when you gave up your rights that you wished her well. You gave her your blessing but I’m hoping you’ll be willing to give her something more.”
Loki’s nostrils flared. Of course this wasn’t some small apology on Lily’s part. Of course this wasn’t about him or them or how this child came about. This was a ploy from Lily to get something from him.
Ripping his hands away Loki settled back in his chair. He finally felt he had the upper hand. He was safe now for in manipulation he held the high ground. Always.
“What do you want from me Lily?”
“A promise,” she answered without hesitating. Fear fed the passion in her voice as she explained, “You and James are family. Distant though you may be you are both Potters. If anything ever happens to us I want you to claim Harriet as kin and take her back with you too America. With no Potter’s left here you shouldn’t have to reveal that you're her father but if you must, you must. Should not wish to raise her as your own I will not ask it of you. I’m only asking that you see her to safety, to be raised by another Potter away from this war under the protection afforded by the numbers and influence the family has overseas.”
“If you are so concerned why not flea yourself? Surely no one would blame you for putting your duties as parents ahead of other things,” Loki challenged.
With some resentment she confessed, “There are those that would not have it in them to understand but we need them as much as we need anyone else who we can call on… The Dark Lord has targeted us,” Lily confessed. “We could leave, but he would most likely follow. We have allies here. And with the risk travel would entail it is simply not worth it. If we could take a portkey it would be one thing-”
Loki nodded his understanding. Witches and Wizards could not use their normal means of magical transport with children until they were some years old. The effects on the child’s developing magic and body could be devastating and as such they were only to be used in dire circumstances. The same went for pregnant women. If Lily were to leave they would have to travel by less than instant means which would leave them open to attack.
“Would you be willing,” Lily begged him. “If the worse happens to James and I, would you see Harriet to America?”
Of course Loki agreed. Whether he would actually keep that promise and involve himself he cared not to contemplate as he didn’t wish to think about a future where Lily would not be alive to look after their child for herself, but to share any doubts with Lily would only cause her to further worry and Loki had no intention of doing that.
Once the promise was extracted Lily became awkward in having him there. She tried not to show it, to remain cordial but Loki he could see she was concerned to have her former lover in her home with her husband expected back shortly. That concern made Loki’s resentment and jealousy churn. Any desire he might have had to remain died. He said his goodbyes to Lily and promptly made to return home to Asgard.
Thor and his friends were as always eager for a spar and Loki had many feelings he wished to beat out onto others.
***
Loki made a point of continuing his visits to Midgard after that. He wanted to prove to himself that he was not so affected, that he could visit and do business as he had always done without giving into the temptation to check in on Lily or the child.
On the first of November 1981 he found himself in magical Germany enjoying the day in one of their villages. It was a place where witches and wizards had lived and thrived for centuries. No muggle had been within thirteen miles of the land in all that time. This was a place where people were free to use magic as they like and embrace their culture to its fullest. All things Loki greatly appreciated.
He had been in the stationary shop looking at their collection of quills on offer when the owner’s son, a boy in his teens came rushing in.
“Father. Father. News from England,” he declared as he waved the paper about.
“And what news do they have? More raids that do nothing to end the war or was it another victory for their Dark Lord,” the shopkeep asked dourly.
“Their Dark Lord is dead,” the youth exclaimed.
“Dead,” the shopkeep repeated.
The boy nodded looking proud to have been able to shock his father.
Before the shopkeeper could reach for the paper himself Loki asked, “May I see that?”
The boy startled having not realized they had any customers. Looking abashed he handed the paper over to Loki. “It’s true sir. Their Lord Voldemort is dead.”
But Loki didn’t hear what he said. Everything else had fallen away, for when he set his eyes on the paper they were drawn to a familiar name.
Potter.
‘The Potters were found dead’ the line said.
Loki could not process anything more. He could not bring his eyes to move away from that line to see what else the article had to say.
Dropping the offending paper to the floor Loki disregarded all care for politeness or secrecy. He disappeared on the spot despite the jinx and charms on the shop which should have kept him from being able to do so by Wizarding means. He moved with speed for Lily’s home only to arrive, and find it in ruin.
A crowd of dozens filled the street, gathered most densely around the cottage. Their voices were a cacophony of noise. Some where crying in grief while others cried with relief. But the loudest of those gathered were the ones celebrating. With sadistic pleasure they poured out glasses of cheer and toasted in the direction of house to the death of the Dark Lord.
A barrier had been set up to hold back the masses but it did nothing to stop Loki. Leaving his body behind he sent his astral self into the house. The damage to the outside was little compared to the damage within. There had been a fight here. The residual magic lingered to speak of if. Most especially what lingered was the evidence of a killing curse having successfully enacted itself on a soul. But only one soul and despite the ridiculousness of it, that gave Loki hope. As he moved up the stairs he was wanting to find that there had only been one death in this house, that somewhere Lily and Harriet were safe, but that is not what he found.
In the nursery where the bulk of the damage had been done there was evidence of two more deaths. Two successful killing curses as well as the destruction of a soul. Lily, Harriet, and the Dark Lord. This explanation accounted for what the article had said. The Dark Lord defeated and the Potters dead.
His love was dead. Their daughter was dead.
Loki’s astral form returned to his body as he fell to his knees.
After some time weeping his attention was drawn to the merrymakers. Hatred welled up in Loki’s soul as he took in their disregard for what their victory had cost. A knife appeared in his hand without his having chosen to summon it. His magic was giving him the means to act on his desires, and his desires in that moment were to kill these people. He could not get justice on the man who had taken from him but he could settle for these souls who would rejoice with no respect for the deaths of those he loved.
From where they watched the Fates felt some remorse for his suffering. When they had arranged for Loki and Lily to meet they knew the odds were against it ending in happiness, when they delivered the prophecy through Trelawney they knew it would likely lead to death, and now they were working to weaving a future for Loki were he left Midgard without knowing the true fate of his daughter. He would go on to live the coming years believing Harriet was dead. If he shared his pain and allowed himself to fully grieve it would become a scar which made him a better man. But the odds were no more in favor of his doing this than they had been that he and Lily could have ended up happily together.
When Loki left Midgard he refused to let himself grieve. He lived in denial, never acknowledging his feelings. He left the wounds untended allowing for them to fester and infect his soul. He hide away his pain with illusions and deception as he did all other things he did not wish to be known. Loki suffered alone, with none but himself and the fates aware of his losses.