Chapter Text
In hindsight, it really was a stupid decision.
Then again, Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng have never been particularly renowned for their decision making abilities. Especially not when they’re around each other.
jiang cheng: jiejie’s wedding is in 3 weeks
jiang cheng: are u bringing a plus 1?
wei ying: hahaha ya ofc
wei ying: why
wei ying: u jealous bc ur all lonely and single??
jiang cheng: last i checked, you were just as lonely and single as i am
wei ying: nope, that’s just u
jiang cheng: who are u dating then
wei ying: a gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell
jiang cheng: which is to say………you’re not actually dating anyone and u don’t want to admit u lied…………
wei ying: NO i’m saying that the person i’m dating is very shy and our relationship is still new and idk if they want anyone to find out about us yet!!!!
jiang cheng: u do know we’ll all find out in 3 weeks anyway when u bring them to the wedding
jiang cheng: might as well just spill now
jiang cheng: if this mysterious person even exists
wei ying: FINE FINE U SKEPTIC
wei ying: if u must know…………
wei ying: it’s lan zhan!!!!!
jiang cheng: …………
jiang cheng: no fucking way
wei ying: why is this so hard to believe
jiang cheng: oh i don’t know……maybe bc lan wangji hates ur guts????
wei ying: obviously he doesn’t, otherwise he wouldn’t be dating me
jiang cheng: ok well maybe he doesn't hate u as much as he did 5 years ago but he definitely doesn't like u enough to DATE u
wei ying: and what would YOU know of romance jiang cheng????
jiang cheng: more than you that’s for sure if you think i’ll believe lan wangji would date you
wei ying: well you BETTER believe it bc it’s true
jiang cheng: suuuuuure
wei ying: i’ll prove it to u
wei ying: let’s all go out for lunch on Saturday
jiang cheng: so i can be the third wheel? No thanks
wei ying: i thought u didn’t believe we were dating
jiang cheng: i don’t but still
jiang cheng: ok fine
jiang cheng: but don’t try anything weird
jiang cheng: i don’t want you to get us banned from ANOTHER restaurant
wei ying: that was ONE TIME
Here’s the thing. Wei Wuxian is not actually dating Lan Wangji.
Not for lack of trying, obviously. More because of this: despite the fact that Lan Wangji doesn’t hate him, and that they’ve actually become something like friends over the years, Lan Wangji still isn’t particularly fond of Wei Wuxian. Which, if Wei Wuxian dwells on it too long, is a rather depressing fact, considering the crush he’s been nursing on Lan Wangji for the better part of...oh, five or so years?
But the good thing about such a long-running infatuation is that it’s given him ample time to figure out how to deal with it in a way which will result in the least possible embarrassment and heartache for both parties (or at least one; Lan Wangji probably wouldn’t care either way) involved. A way which definitely does not involve pretending to date Lan Wangji just to rile up Jiang Cheng.
To reiterate, a stupid decision.
But Wei Wuxian’s dug this grave himself, and he’s damn well gonna lie in it. Which is how he finds himself skulking around outside the lecture hall where he knows Lan Wangji’s working as a TA. Students begin to trickle out, tossing suspicious glances his way. Wei Wuxian responds with a grin and the occasional wink. The students shudder and walk faster. He supposes he can’t blame them for being wary: he’s one of the top pathology grad students, a position naturally comes with its fair share of rumours attached. He’s heard something about necromancy - Wei Wuxian’s not sure how that one came about, but it sounds so badass he doesn’t have the heart to complain.
Finally, when the last of the students have left, Wei Wuxian ducks inside the hall. The professor is saying something to Lan Wangji, who nods in response, the epitome of seriousness. Only when the professor leaves does Wei Wuxian see it fit to emerge from his spot amidst the shadows and skip over to Lan Wangji’s desk.
“Lan Zhan,” he calls, singsong.
If Lan Wangji is surprised to see him, he gives no indication of it. He just inclines his head slightly and says, “Wei Ying.”
“It’s been a while,” Wei Wuxian says. In truth, it’s been less than a week, but still. “Did you miss me?”
“Mm.”
Wei Wuxian blinks. He wasn’t expecting that response, but he’s not going to pretend he’s not happy about it. Maybe it’ll give him the courage he needs to carry on with the rest of this ill-advised endeavour. He wishes he had some alcohol to help, but as there’s none, he’ll have to rely on his own innate shamelessness.
He drapes himself over the desk in a way he knows Lan Wangji will object to. Sure enough, a furrow forms between Lan Wangji’s brows and he says, “Stand properly.”
Wei Wuxian laughs. “Come now, Lan Zhan, there’s no one else around to see me. Can’t you let it go just this once?”
Lan Wangji’s frown deepens. “No.”
Wei Wuxian sighs dramatically. “Well, if you insist...I guess I’ll just have to resort to good old fashioned bribery.” With a flourish, he whips out a paper bag. “Look! I brought you lunch!”
Lan Wangji takes the bag carefully and opens it to reveal a few tupperware containers. “You prepared this?”
“Yep!”
Lan Wangji stares at him so intensely Wei Wuxian can feel himself blushing. “Wei Ying. Thank you.”
Sometimes Wei Wuxian hates the way Lan Wangji can oscillate so rapidly between treating him with utter indifference and with complete, single-minded focus. Zero to a hundred, no in between. Wei Wuxian knows Lan Wangji doesn’t mean to do it - that’s just the way he is - but it doesn’t make his heart beat any less wildly.
So he does what he does best - deflect. “Ah, it was nothing, Lan Zhan. No big deal.” It kind of was a big deal - the meal had taken him the better part of two hours to prepare. Wei Wuxian excels at many things, but cooking is not one of them. “Don’t worry, it's not that spicy, I know you prefer bland stuff.”
Lan Wangji nods, and Wei Wuxian fistpumps mentally. Stage one of plan somehow persuade Lan Wangji to go along with this stupid fucking idea accomplished. Now -
“Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian says, “let’s go have lunch outside.”
Lan Wangji stares at him. “Why?”
“Why not?” Wei Wuxian shoots back. “It’s a nice day. We can people watch. I’ll let you in on all the gossip I know about your undergrads.” If they’re outside when Wei Wuxian brings up the plan, the odds of Lan Wangji killing him out of disgust will be significantly reduced because of all the innocent witnesses around.
“Gossipping is immoral,” Lan Wangji says.
Wei Wuxian rolls his eyes. “Fine, buzzkill, we won’t gossip. We’ll just sit and eat in silence like old people. Okay?”
“Mm,” Lan Wangji says. “Let me pack up my materials.” Wei Wuxian waits not-so-patiently as Lan Wangji methodically slips his papers back into his briefcase, then stands and follows him outside.
Wei Wuxian picks a spot out on the lawn, under a large shady tree. He’s quite familiar with this spot - it’s where he usually comes to nap when he skips (or is thrown out of) lectures. He plops himself down, while Lan Wangji folds his own legs under himself considerably more gracefully, then carefully opens the tupperware containers and begins eating. Wei Wuxian smiles to himself. Stage two, complete.
“Lan Zhan, how’s the food?” he asks. Lan Wangji even eats delicately, one small bite at a time. Nothing at all like how Wei Wuxian shovels down giant mouthfuls, in a way guaranteed to make Jiang Cheng wrinkle his nose and complain.
“It is good,” Lan Wangji says.
“Just good? That’s it? You know, Lan Zhan, if it’s bad, you should just go ahead and say it. Don’t worry, it won’t hurt my feelings much.”
Lan Wangji shakes his head. “It is not bad,” he insists. “I like the...flavour.”
Wei Wuxian bursts into laughter. “Don’t strain yourself, I’m just teasing you. Anyway, as we’re here together, I have something to ask you.”
“Mm?”
Wei Wuxian takes a deep breath. Now or never, he guesses. “Lan Zhan, will you go out with me?” Lan Wangji’s eyes go very wide so, before he gets the wrong idea, Wei Wuxian hastily adds, “Not for real, of course! Just to pretend...I may have accidentally told Jiang Cheng I was dating you because he was bugging me about not having a plus one for my jiejie’s wedding, and he didn’t believe me, so I just need you to go to lunch with us to convince him, and then come with me to the wedding. That’s it!”
Lan Wangji says nothing for a few moments. When he does speak, his voice is very soft. “Pretend?”
“Yeah, of course! Don’t worry, Lan Zhan, it’s not like I actually have feelings for you or anything.” Wei Wuxian laughs in a way he hopes betrays nothing of the nerves twisting in his gut. Lan Wangji is probably going to say no. Even worse, he’ll say how disgusted he is at the very thought of dating Wei Wuxian -
“I will do it,” Lan Wangji says.
Or, he could agree.
“Yes!” Wei Wuxian cheers. “Thank you, Lan Zhan! I really owe you!”
Lan Wangji frowns. “No need.”
“No need for what? To thank you? But I want to!” Before he can think better of it, Wei Wuxian leans over and flings his arms around Lan Wangji’s neck, narrowly avoiding knocking the bowl of food out of his hands. Lan Wangji stiffens, and Wei Wuxian belatedly remembers his aversion to physical contact. Just as he’s about to pull away and apologize, he feels Lan Wangji’s arms come up to rest gingerly on his back.
Wei Wuxian leans back immediately and stares at Lan Wangji in shock. “You - you actually hugged me back!”
Lan Wangji stares back, face blank as ever. “Mm. If we are dating, we should display physical affection.”
“That - that’s - !” Wei Wuxian shakes his head. “You don’t need to, not if it’ll make you uncomfortable! I know you hate people touching you…”
“Mm. Not a problem, with you.”
It takes a lot to render Wei Wuxian speechless, but Lan Wangji always has been a special case, hasn’t he?
“Lan Zhan!” he says, utterly delighted. “I didn't know I was so special to you!” Lan Wangji looks away and doesn't respond, but Wei Wuxian counts it as a win anyway, and decides to push his luck a little more. “So you won’t mind if I do this?” And he proceeds to drape himself over Lan Wangji, face nuzzling into the crook of his neck. To his credit, Lan Wangji doesn’t even hesitate before stroking his hair, gently, which Wei Wuxian guesses is his way of saying he’s fine with the arrangement.
“Mm, Lan Zhan, you’re such a good actor,” Wei Wuxian mumbles. He’s sleepy, Lan Wangji is comfortable, and the whole hair-stroking thing isn’t helping. “I bet we make a really convincing couple. Wanna bet on how fast word gets out about the two of us?”
No answer.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right, that doesn’t really matter, so long as Jiang Cheng believes we’re together.”
“Mm.” Then, almost hesitantly, “Why did you choose me?”
“For what?”
“To...pretend to date,” Lan Wangji says.
Because I’ve been in love with you for five years and this is probably the only chance I’ll ever have to know how it feels to be with you, Wei Wuxian doesn’t say. Instead, he says, “Oh, I don’t know. You were just the first person who came to mind, I guess.”
Lan Wangji’s hand in his hair freezes, and when it resumes it’s motions, it feels somehow more tentative. “I see.” There’s something strange about the way Lan Wangji says it, but Wei Wuxian’s too sleepy to figure it out.
He lets himself flop down off Lan Wangji’s shoulder and down onto his lap. “Lan Zhan, I’m tired,” he proclaims. “Let me borrow you as a pillow for my nap?”
Lan Wangji nods, and shifts slightly so Wei Wuxian is more comfortable. Feeling smug and more-than-slightly guilty (Lan Wangji is only allowing all of this under false pretenses, after all), Wei Wuxian hums contentedly and settles in. Above him, Lan Wangji takes out a book and starts to read.
A group of undergrads pass by, and do a collective double take at the sight of the two of them. Wei Wuxian barely manages to contain his laughter - he can only imagine what a picture they must make. The cool, elegant Lan Wangji, one of the most promising faces of the university - and him, the nutjob who supposedly talks to corpses.
Well, if it’s any consolation, it definitely won’t be long before rumours start to fly, which means that it also won’t be long before Jiang Cheng hears about it.
Wei Wuxian can’t wait.
He isn’t sure exactly when he dozes off, but he wakes when Lan Wangji gives his shoulders a gentle shake and says, “Lunch is over. You have a class soon.”
Wei Wuxian sits up, yawns and stretches. “Mm, yeah, I kinda forgot about that, thanks for reminding me. And thanks for letting me use you as a pillow, you’re very comfortable!”
“...You’re welcome.”
Wei Wuxian grabs his bag, then stops. “Oh, before I go, one last thing! Let’s meet up sometime to discuss the details of this...arrangement a little more. We shouldn’t go in blind, we won’t be convincing anyone that way. Oh, and we can practise doing coupley things a bit more!”
Lan Wangji nods. “You can come to my apartment, tomorrow night, if you wish.”
“Yeah, that works fine! I’ll see you then!” Wei Wuxian hesitates and, before his common sense can talk him out of it, leans down and brushes a kiss against Lan Wangji’s cheek. Then he’s sprinting off, shouting, “Bye, Lan Zhan!” before he has to see Lan Wangji’s reaction.
Wei Wuxian has been to Lan Wangji’s apartment a few times before, but the sheer... fanciness of the building never ceases to amaze him. It’s located in such a nice part of town he almost feels like he shouldn’t even be there, what with his slightly threadbare hoodie and sneakers that have definitely seen better days. He knows Lan Wangji’s family is like, really rich, so it makes sense for Lan Wangji to live in an expensive place.
But for all the upscality of the building and area, the actual interior of Lan Wangji’s apartment is surprisingly...modest? Wei Wuxian might have called it plain before, but now he likes Lan Wangji enough to call it minimalist instead.
“Favourite colour?”
“Red.”
“Hm, really? Would’ve pegged you more for...white, or something.”
“Mm. Yours?”
“You know, I’ve never really thought about it...gold, maybe.” This has absolutely nothing to do with the colour of Lan Wangji’s eyes. “All right, next question!”
They're on Lan Wangji's couch. They'd started out sitting on opposite ends, but at some point Wei Wuxian had migrated over to Lan Wangji's side (“Couples cuddle, Lan Zhan, we need to get used to it.”) What couples also do is know basic information about each other, which is why Wei Wuxian had suggested this impromptu game of twenty questions.
“Favourite animal?” Lan Wangji asks.
Wei Wuxian grins. “Crocodiles. They’re badass!”
Lan Wangji looks extremely judgemental.
“And yours?”
“Rabbits.”
Wei Wuxian gapes at him. That is...not what he had been expecting. “Really, rabbits? Why?”
“They are quiet,” Lan Wangji says, a bit defensively. “And cute,” he adds quietly.
Wei Wuxian very nearly falls off the sofa in shock. “You are actually capable of finding things cute?”
Lan Wangji gives him a look that feels somehow significant. “I am.”
Wei Wuxian hums. “You know, I hadn’t thought of it before, but rabbits suit you.” At Lan Wangji’s questioning look, he grins and says, “You are also quiet and cute! Plus, you eat only bland food.”
Lan Wangji’s eyes widen, then he huffs. “Shameless.”
“Oh, don’t be like that, Lan Zhan, I think I’m allowed to be a bit shameless if I’m dating you! Anyway, let’s stop with the questions - we can do this some other time. For now, I actually had something I wanted to discuss with you.” He waves the notebook he'd brought with him in front of Lan Wangji's face. It's labelled: Operation Deceit. Perhaps not the best title, given the fact that Lan Wangji's probably never lied to anyone before in his life, but Wei Wuxian hadn't been able to think of anything better. “In here,” he continues, “I have detailed every little thing we need to go over in order to make this thing believable.”
“You are very prepared,” Lan Wangji observes.
“Well, yeah,” Wei Wuxian says, “this is my life on the line. Well, my pride at least. Anyway!” He whips open the book. “First order of business, we need to come up with a cute story about how we got together. You know everyone will be asking us about it at the wedding - we need to make sure our stories match up.”
“Mm.”
“Well, obviously people are less likely to believe you'd want to date me than that I'd want to date you. So -”
“Why?” Lan Wangji interjects.
“What?”
“Why would people not believe that I would want to be with you?” Lan Wangji clarifies.
Wei Wuxian frowns. Does he really have to spell it out? “Well, I mean, you're you - you're basically perfect, you know? And I'm just - me. Nothing special, huh?”
“No,” Lan Wangji insists. He seems strangely upset about this whole thing. “You - you are special.”
Wei Wuxian gapes for a few seconds, then bursts into laughter. “Yes, Lan Zhan, that's exactly how you should act! At this rate, if you keep pretending that you actually like me, people might really believe it.”
“Not pretending,” Lan Wangji mutters.
“Yeah, okay, sure,” Wei Wuxian says dismissively. “But anyway, even if you like me now, the fact still remains that you hated me for like, the first couple of years we knew each other - so it's kinda hard to believe that you’d be into me all of a sudden. So what I'm thinking is, we tell people that even though you couldn't stand me at first, over time you grew to tolerate me, I guess, and then we're trapped in a life or death situation - a bank robbery, or something. Picture it, Lan Zhan - the adrenaline! All those emotions running wild! So, thinking we're about to die anyway, in the spur of the moment, I confess my undying love for you, and then you're like, 'Well, I guess I could grow to love you too’ and then I'm like, 'You know what? I'll take it!’ and then we make out. Oh, and we beat up the bank robbers later and escape.” Wei Wuxian breaks off, grins brightly at Lan Wangji. “So, what do you think?”
Lan Wangji stares at him for a few seconds, then says, “No.”
The grin slips off Wei Wuxian's face. “No?!”
“Not...lately,” Lan Wangji says slowly, like he's searching for the words. “Since first year.”
“Huh? What about first year?”
“Liked you since then,” Lan Wangji says. His ears are faintly pink. “Not a recent thing.”
“What?!” Wei Wuxian cries. “Are you serious?”
Lan Wangji's jaw clenches. “Yes,” he whispers.
“No!” Wei Wuxian wails. Lan Wangji snaps his head up to stare at him. There's something in his eyes that looks almost like hurt. Quickly, Wei Wuxian reaches out to cup his cheeks and says, “No, don't look like that, Lan Zhan! It's just, what will people think if you tell them you've liked me for six years and we've only now gotten together? They'll think I'm the most oblivious person on Earth!”
“You are!” Lan Wangji snaps. Wei Wuxian flinches back, rather stung and trying not to show it. Lan Wangji hasn't spoken to him with that tone in years. Lan Wangji looks regretful immediately. “I am sorry. I should not have snapped.”
Wei Wuxian forces a laugh and says, a lot more lightly than he feels, “Eh, don’t worry about it. I’ve liked you for a long time too, so I guess we can say that we’re both oblivious. But at least we ended up together in the end, huh?” Just saying the words makes his chest twinge - for years, his stupid crush had been made bearable only by the sheer incredibility of the very idea of him and Lan Wangji actually being together. Now though, now that he’s gotten a glimpse of what it could be - well. He’s not entirely sure how he’s going to go back to his previous, Lan Wangji-less existence.
But whatever, that’s a problem for the Wei Wuxian of three weeks later. He’ll deal with it when the time comes.
Lan Wangji still looks remorseful, and, bewilderingly, a bit sad, which throws Wei Wuxian for a loop. An angry Lan Wangji he can deal with - irritation is practically Lan Wangji’s default expression, right after apathy. But a Lan Wangji who’s upset - for reasons Wei Wuxian can’t fathom - well. He has no idea where to proceed.
So he changes the subject, unsubtly. “Well, look at the time!” he says loudly. “I don’t know about you, Lan Zhan, but I’m starving!”
Immediately, the sadness clears from Lan Wangji’s face, to be replaced with his usual neutral expression. “We can order food,” he suggests. “Or I can prepare dinner, if you’d like.”
As much as Wei Wuxian is dying to eat dinner Lan Wangji’s made, because Lan Wangji’s rather unfairly good at cooking, he has a better idea. “What we should do,” he says, “is head out to a restaurant. If we’re gonna convince Jiang Cheng when we have lunch with him, we need to practice a bit. You okay with that?”
“Mm.”
“Oh, and before we leave, one last thing to discuss!” Wei Wuxian opens his notebook. “We need to decide how much...affection we’re willing to show each other. For the sake of realism, of course.”
“Affection?”
“Yeah. Look, I have a whole list here to go through.”
“No need,” Lan Wangji says. “I am comfortable with whatever you are.” And oh, doesn’t that conjure some images.
Wei Wuxian laughs nervously. “You should be careful what you say, Lan Zhan. What if I want to... kiss you?”
Lan Wangji’s ears are red again. “If that is what you want...I would not mind.”
Wei Wuxian makes a noise of wordless frustration. “No, Lan Zhan, you can’t just go along with whatever I want! You’re just as much a part of this as I am! Here, tell you what. I’ll go through each item on the list and you’ll tell me whether you’re fine with it or not.”
“Mm.”
“Right. So, starting off small - holding hands?”
“Mm.”
“In public?”
“Mm.”
“Hugging?”
“Mm.”
“Kissing on the cheek?”
“Mm.”
“On the lips?”
“...Mm.”
“On the lips with tongue?”
Lan Wangji glances away. “I told you, as long as you are comfortable, I am willing to do it.”
Wei Wuxian sighs explosively, throws his hands up. “Fine, be like that then! I guess you’ll just have to shove me away or whatever when I do something improper.”
“Will not,” Lan Wangji says, frowning slightly.
“Will not what? Won’t shove me away? Yeah, I guess you’re not the type to make a scene like that in public...well, just let me know anyway, okay?”
Another thought occurs to him: Lan Wangji probably hasn’t had his first kiss yet, has he? Wei Wuxian is pretty sure he hasn’t dated anyone in the years they’ve known each other (not that he’s keeping track, or anything) and Lan Wangji doesn’t seem like the type to go around making out with people as a casual thing. Chances are, the reason Lan Wangji’s not objecting to any of Wei Wuxian’s suggestions is simply that he doesn’t know how it feels, so he doesn’t realise yet that he’ll probably dislike it.
“Mm,” Lan Wangji says. “Are you ready to leave?”
“Yeah, sure,” Wei Wuxian says. “Wait, I almost forgot - are you okay with the whole bank robbery story?”
“Yes,” Lan Wangji says. “It was...creative.”
Wei Wuxian takes Lan Wangji to his favourite ramen shop. Everyone there is pretty familiar with him by this point, so when they catch sight of his and Lan Wangji’s joined hands, they descend upon the pair like vultures upon a carcass.
“Wei Wuxian,” the waitress, MianMian, greets, “long time no see. And who would this be?” Pretty much everyone in the restaurant is staring not-so-discreetly at Lan Wangji at this point, and Wei Wuxian can’t say he blames them.
Wei Wuxian grins, and gives Lan Wangji’s hand a squeeze. “Oh, him? He’s my boyfriend, Lan Wangji.”
MianMian laughs, loudly and shamelessly. Wei Wuxian’s a bit offended. “He’s your boyfriend? You’re kidding, right? How’d you manage that?” She turns to Lan Wangji, who, luckily, seems unperturbed by all the ogling. “He’s not blackmailing you or something, is he?”
“No,” Lan Wangji says. “Wei Ying makes me...indescribably happy.” Wei Wuxian, who’s chosen this moment to take a sip of his water, promptly chokes and coughs violently. Looking faintly alarmed, Lan Wangji reaches over to stroke his back. Lan Wangji really is...too good at this whole thing.
MianMian is still staring at them skeptically, but she’s smiling a bit. “Well, Wei Wuxian, I still maintain he’s too good for you, but if you’re both happy...who am I to judge? Anyway, the usual?”
“Of course,” Wei Wuxian says. Turning to Lan Wangji, he asks, “What about you, Lan Zhan?”
“You recommend,” Lan Wangji says.
“Ooh, you trust me this much?” Wei Wuxian teases. “I’m honoured!” He orders a relatively mild dish for Lan Wangji (well, as mild as he can find at this restaurant).. MianMian bustles off to the kitchen with their orders.
Wei Wuxian realises rather belatedly that he’s still holding Lan Wangji’s hand, resting on the table between them. Lan Wangji hasn’t said anything about it yet, though, so he decides he might as well put off letting go for a bit longer. Lan Wangji always did have nice hands, he muses. Pretty, like the rest of him - long, slender fingers and carefully trimmed nails. Wei Wuxian only realises he’s been absently stroking his thumb over Lan Wangji’s knuckles when he feels the hand in this twitch ever so slightly.
Immediately, he drops Lan Wangji’s hand and stammers out an apology. “Sorry, Lan Zhan, I zoned out a little there.”
“It is fine,” Lan Wangji says. “I did not mind.” He pauses, looking almost hesitant. “May I...hold your hand again?”
Confused, Wei Wuxian almost asks why, before he remembers that they’re still receiving some curious glances from the rest of the restaurant’s patrons. Lan Wangji’s probably just thinking about the facade they’re supposed to be maintaining. “Why, what a gentleman!” Wei Wuxian presents his hand, which Lan Wangji takes gently. “You don’t have to ask, you know - we’re dating! It comes with the package!”
“The package?”
“Yeah.” Wei Wuxian waggles his eyebrows. “You know, the whole deal - handholding, kisses, sex - I mean! Only if you want, of course! There's nothing wrong if you don't!”
Lan Wangji looks rather alarmed. “Is that... something you would want?”
“What? Of course not!” Wei Wuxian denies, quickly and probably too loudly. “Why would I want that with you , haha!” Of course, it's not that he doesn't want to sleep with Lan Wangji - it's that even he knows that that'd be taking things a little too far for a pretense.
“I see,” Lan Wangji murmurs.
Thankfully, MianMian chooses this moment to arrive with their food, sparing Wei Wuxian from embarrassing himself even further. He waits for Lan Wangji to let go of his hand, but he just picks up his chopsticks with his left hand and begins eating as slowly as usual. Wei Wuxian watches him closely for signs of discomfort, that the food is too spicy, but there are none. Either the food really isn’t that spicy, or Lan Wangji has a really excellent poker face. It’s probably the latter.
“I didn't know you were left-handed,” Wei Wuxian comments, digging into his own food, which is a rather alarming shade of crimson - just the way he likes.
“I am ambidextrous,” Lan Wangji says.
“Oh, really?” Wei Wuxian purrs. “That must come in useful, sometimes, huh?” He fully expects the suggestion to fly right over Lan Wangji's head, and sure enough -
“I suppose,” Lan Wangji says. “I can copy texts with both hands.”
“Not exactly what I was getting at, but okay.”
Wei Wuxian knows that Lan Wangji doesn't like to talk while he's eating, so he fills the silence with mindless chatter as he waits for Lan Wangji to finish his bowl of soup. He knows Lan Wangji is probably tuning him out, but it's nice to know that he at least makes the effort to pretend to be listening, humming occasionally in acknowledgement or tilting his head like he wants Wei Wuxian to explain further.
Lan Wangji finishes just as Wei Wuxian is beginning to tap his fingers against the table impatiently. “All right!” he says. “Now that you can finally answer me back - I still think it’s weird that you don’t talk while you’re eating, by the way, you should just act like a pig like the rest of us - there’s one last matter to discuss.” With a curious tilt of Lan Wangji’s head, Wei Wuxian continues, “How will we break up? You know, after the wedding.”
Lan Wangji’s hand stiffens slightly in his, but he doesn’t answer. Wei Wuxian says, “Maybe we can say you cheated on me…”
“No!” Lan Wangji says, surprisingly vehement.
Wei Wuxian quirks an eyebrow. What’s got him so worked up? “Oh, you take offense to that? Yeah, I guess no one will believe you’d cheat, you’re much too righteous for that...I guess I’ll be the one to cheat then! Maybe I’ll leave you for someone younger, prettier...” The chances of Wei Wuxian finding anyone better than Lan Wangji are slim to none, he knows, but he’s not going to tell him that .
Lan Wangji actually looks pissed now, and Wei Wuxian feels strangely victorious that he’s still able to elicit such a reaction. “Why,” Lan Wangji grits out, “does one of us have to be unfaithful?”
“Well, I mean,” Wei Wuxian says, “it is kind of the quickest way out of a relationship. But if you’re so opposed to it, we don’t have to use that story. We can say you got tired of me, or something like that.”
Lan Wangji squeezes Wei Wuxian’s hand. “Will not happen,” he says, looking Wei Wuxian right in the eyes as he does. Wei Wuxian fidgets.
“Wow, you’re really committed to this whole thing, huh?” he says, squeezing back because he can, for now, and it’ll all be over in a few weeks anyway, so might as well make the most of it. “Making promises you can’t keep and all that.”
Lan Wangji looks like he wants to say something else, but he doesn’t. After watching him struggle to find the words, Wei Wuxian says, “You know what, we don’t have to worry about the breakup now. The wedding isn’t till another few weeks - we can think it about later, hmm?” At this, Lan Wangji nods.
After they’ve paid the bill, Wei Wuxian insists on walking Lan Wangji home, because that’s apparently good date etiquette. So is holding hands the entire way, he assures Lan Wangji, who, if he has any objections, doesn’t show it. And so is -
“Can I...kiss you goodnight?” Wei Wuxian asks tentatively as they stand outside Lan Wangji’s apartment. He doesn’t know what’s momentarily possessed him to make him so bold, or what excuse he’ll give should Lan Wangji ask for one - it’s not like they’re in public, or there’s anyone to pretend for. Lan Wangji looks conflicted, and Wei Wuxian waits for him to say no, to react with disgust -
“Yes,” Lan Wangji says. Whispers rather. His ears are red again.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.” And that’s all it takes for Wei Wuxian to close the gap between them, press Lan Wangji against the door, and kiss him like he’s been wanting to practically since the day he met him.
It starts off chaste enough. Sweet. Then Wei Wuxian’s teeth graze Lan Wangji’s lips, which part on a gasp, and things become decidedly less chaste after that. Wei Wuxian’s hands find their way into Lan Wangji’s soft hair and tug, which makes Lan Wangji moan and slide his hands down his back, their touch scorching even through Wei Wuxian’s jacket.
Lan Wangji pulls him in even closer, till they’re pressed so close against each other that Wei Wuxian can feel every minute way Lan Wangji trembles as he moves away from his lips and down to press kisses against the line of his jaw, his neck -
Lan Wangji moans again, louder than before, and that - that’s what finally snaps Wei Wuxian out of it, out of the haze he’d been drowning in - Lan Wangji’s lips, his skin, the way he’d sounded, the way he’d tasted. What the fuck is he doing? Making out with the person he’s in love with, who definitely doesn’t feel even close to the same way, all for some sort of - some sort of game?
Nauseous, Wei Wuxian breaks away from Lan Wangji and pushes out of the circle of his hands, trying desperately calm his breathing. Lan Wangji remains braced against the door, and just the sight of him - usually perfect hair mussed, eyes glazed, breaths ragged, lips red and swollen - is almost enough to make Wei Wuxian dive right back in, guilt be damned.
But he can’t do that to Lan Wangji. So, instead, he runs his hands through his own hair and laughs a little breathlessly and says, with all the false cheer he can muster, “Wow, Lan Zhan! That sure was something! Really convincing!”
It seems to take a moment for the words to register with Lan Wangji. When they do, he blinks at Wei Wuxian and repeats, “Convincing?”
“Haha, yeah! If anyone saw us kissing like that, they definitely wouldn’t doubt that we’re a real couple! Come to think of it, we should’ve saved that for Jiang Cheng, scandalized him a bit…”
Lan Wangji’s face is carefully blank when he looks down and says, quietly, “Mm.”
The atmosphere is undeniably awkward now, and Wei Wuxian’s mind won’t stop racing. Why won’t Lan Wangji meet his eyes? What is he thinking? Is he...upset about what just happened? Does he regret it? A horrible thought occurs to him. Was that Lan Wangji’s first…
He can’t help but blurt it out. “Hey, Lan Zhan, you’re a pretty good kisser...that wasn’t your first kiss, was it?”
Lan Wangji finally raises his head. “No.”
Wei Wuxian isn’t prepared for the way his stomach drops at this. There’s a bit of relief that Lan Wangji’s first kiss hadn’t been for a pretense, but the overwhelming feeling is one of disappointment. It’s not even that he’s not Lan Wangji’s first kiss, it’s more that...in all the time he’d known Lan Wangji, he’d never known him to be dating anyone. Is it that Lan Wangji just never thought it was important enough to tell him? Are they really just not that close?
Taking a deep breath, he forces himself to grin. “Wow, Lan Zhan, I never knew...it’s okay, I won’t pry and ask you who it was. I bet you’re pretty glad that I wasn’t the one to steal your first kiss, huh?”
Lan Wangji ducks his head again and asks, “Was it yours?”
“Huh? Was it my what?”
“Your first kiss.”
“Of course not,” Wei Wuxian says, which isn’t technically a lie. “I’ve had loads of experience.” Which is stretching the truth a little more, but he supposes it all depends on your definition of loads.
Lan Wangji’s mouth twists and, not for the first time tonight, Wei Wuxian finds himself regretting his words.
“Anyway, it’s pretty late,” he says, although it’s barely eight thirty. “Your bedtime is soon, right? Guess I’d better get going, then.”
“Mm,” Lan Wangji says. He still won’t look at him. “Goodnight, Wei Ying. Thank you for the dinner.”
“It’s no problem. Goodnight, Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian says, and leaves.
(Much, much later, when he’s safely in his own apartment, he’ll replay the memory of that kiss and know that he’s way, way in over his head.)