Chapter Text
He blinked. The thatched roof he stared up at was gray in the morning dawn, and he could barely register where he was. A small sigh from his left caused Yue Qingyuan to flinch. He caught himself holding his breath as he turned and saw the slumbering figure beside him, brows creased even in his sleep.
Yue Qingyuan—no, at this time...he was simply Yue Qi.
Shen Jiu laid beside him, silently curled up against his side.
Xiao Jiu is still alive, he thinks.
And Yue Qi was alive, too.
Yue Qi didn’t move for a long while after he opened his eyes. His chest felt heavy with an indescribable feeling and his back ached with only a shadow of pain, as if the arrows he so clearly felt splitting his skin were just a figment of his imagination.
He remembered, oh so clearly, the way his hands trembled as he gingerly held the package sent to him by Luo Binghe. The way it was crudely wrapped in pale green robes, red seeping through the fabric and onto his hands, and the sharp metallic tang filling his nose. He remembers reading the letter in a daze, characters scrawled messily and smeared across the paper. All his thoughts thrown askew as he willingly stumbled into the wolf’s mouth to meet his end.
It was a fitting end, he thought. To finally give his life in exchange for the one he could not save. For sins he could only seem to atone in death. He would have rather it by Shen Jiu’s hands, but alas.
Here he was, breathing.
And Shen Jiu was at his side once more.
It had to be a joke, right?
“Xiao Jiu,” he whispered, yet he felt his voice was far too loud in the small shack they were taking shelter in. Yue Qi bit his lip to avoid making another sound, but Shen Jiu still managed to hear and easily stirred from that small call.
“Qi-ge...? What do you want?” Shen Jiu’s voice was slurred by sleep, soft and pitched higher in his youth.
Yue Qi felt his chest ache again.
“It...it’s nothing. Qi-ge was just checking if you were asleep. Sorry to wake you.” He quickly schooled his features, offering a calm smile even though his heart was racing fast enough he thought it would stop.
Shen Jiu didn’t require much coaxing to return to sleep, eyes shutting immediately as he resettled himself against the older boy’s warmth, and Yue Qi found himself letting out another breath he didn’t realize he was holding.
He raised a hand to rub at his face, trying to figure out exactly what was going on, and if he was even capable of having a qi deviation this early on before he even started cultivating. Ha.
It was then Yue Qi noticed a faint line reflecting in the light filtering through the cracks in the wall, and followed this strange red thread from where it was tucked under Shen Jiu’s cheek to where it wrapped around his own finger.
Yue Qi froze at the realization of what he was looking at. He glanced back and forth at the string connecting the two of them, at a loss.
So it was like this...their fates were really crossed in such a way. But the thing was, Yue Qi didn’t know what to do now. He was alive again, but could he avoid having to part in such a painful way?
Was he capable of changing the outcome of it all, now that he knew what would happen?
Yue Qi was scared. It had been so long since he felt fear like this, now coupled with the sense of hopelessness he had felt when he died. This feeling arrested him until the sun rose completely, and he was unaware of Shen Jiu rousing on his own to find Yue Qi unmoving. He was staring up at the ceiling as if he saw a ghost, startling when Shen Jiu crossed his line of vision.
The younger boy’s face was still round with baby fat, his hair disheveled from sleep as he scowled down at Yue Qi. “What’s the matter with you? Why are you still laying there?”
“I…” Yue Qi opened his mouth but felt his voice catch, throat dry after seeing Shen Jiu clearly in the daylight and confirming this wasn’t merely a dream. “I felt a little strange this morning, but Xiao Jiu shouldn’t worry, Qi-ge is well.” He let a weak smile settle on his face as he slowly sat up, feeling alien in his own body. “Go wash up first, I’ll be up in a second.” He gently patted Shen Jiu on the head, watching as the boy frowned but leaned into the touch.
The small gesture felt so painfully nostalgic, and Yue Qi was trying to remember every little interaction he had with Shen Jiu now. He watched the string trail off his finger to where it tied on the other’s hand, and followed the line as Shen Jiu stood and left the small shed they were sleeping in. He clenched his fist, feeling the gentle pull of resistance on the other end of the string.
It was a strange comfort in this second life.
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Stupid. Stupid stupid stupid.
All his years of experience, and he fell into the same exact mistake again. What was he expecting? Yue Qingyuan had nothing to blame but his own hubris. He thought living through it once was enough for him to set up proper precautions, but it was no use. He felt the strong, cloying pull of energy run up his spine and embed itself at the crown of his skull, and he knew he was done for.
The only thing repeating through his mind, was how stupid he was. How stupid, impatient, and petulant he was to even try to fight the natural order of cultivation.
Yue Qingyuan had lived through this experience once before, but then again, he was barely alive to remember it clearly. How could he properly prepare for something that he was originally out of his wits for?
He clenched a hand around the string tied to his finger. That was the last coherent thought he had before waking up after what felt like years, feeling the helpless tug on the other end. With barely a passing thought on his state of health, he forced his exhausted body to run unceasingly to try and get to Shen Jiu on time. Yet he was only able to break out in a cold sweat as he stood in front of the smouldering Qiu estate.
This time, he knew Shen Jiu made it out alive. The past told him so. The thread hanging limply by his feet told him so. But it was disheartening to know that Shen Jiu would one day stand across from him and ask accusingly why he did not return to rescue him.
Could he say he tried his best?
Would he be able to explain what happened during those years apart?
Does it even matter anymore?
Yue Qingyuan could not give an answer.
Not now, or ever. It wasn’t something he could say out loud, no matter how many times he mulled over it in his head. That was a kind of guilt he would not put on Shen Jiu’s shoulders. It was not something he could easily explain without making it seem like he’s pinning the blame on the other boy. These kinds of things were something he had to swallow and simply deal with the fallout.
So he dealt with it. Like a play, he acted the parts in accordance with what he knew, offered words he was aware would have no effect on the other’s actions. Yue Qingyuan tried, and tried, and tried to convey his feelings to no avail. Tweaking his mannerisms only worked for so long, and he found himself continually falling into his habits of leniency towards Shen Jiu.
He really couldn’t help it. When the hostile look that Shen Jiu always leveled at him slowly turned to one of indifference, hiding away his true face, Yue Qingyuan knew he couldn’t discipline him. It wasn’t right to force his standards onto Shen Jiu who had faced a kind of abuse he could not hope to understand.
And the days passed on into months, into years. Their journeys barely deviating from the predestined path laid out, and Yue Qingyuan could only anxiously count the days until he would seriously have to intervene with Shen Jiu’s behavior. He knew that if he couldn’t save him then, he would have to save him now.
But the day never came.
Luo Binghe joined Cang Qiong sect under Qing Jing peak.
Yue Qingyuan heard Shen Jiu dumped tea on his new disciple.
Yet when he hastily paid a visit to the second peak lord to prevent him from causing more harm, it was only to find him suffering from a serious fever.
It was a week before he woke up. And when Shen Qingqiu did, Yue Qingyuan subconsciously registered that the red string on his finger was uncharacteristically slack despite the fact he sat directly at the bedside. It wasn’t until he was moving to leave the bamboo house that he noticed Shen Qingqiu’s was tied to someone else.
And his was broken.
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Yue Qingyuan could not explain the feeling in his chest as he watched Shen Qingqiu drift to Luo Binghe’s side. He was filled with a strange sense of relief, but a bitter taste sat on the back of his tongue nonetheless.
He had seen what Luo Binghe did to him, to the both of them. Yet here they both were, smiling amicably at each other as if all the things Yue Qingyuan has been fearing really was a dream. He had prepared to die again, but somehow, was still alive.
Yue Qingyuan thought about the question he asked Shen Qingqiu a lifetime ago. Do you think If you treated Luo Binghe differently, these things wouldn’t have happened?
It was not an easy thing to offer a smile to Shen Qingqiu, and to see him smile back with a face that was so familiar. This person seemed so strange to him now, but perhaps Yue Qingyuan was the strange one for finding the other’s behavior peculiar. Maybe it was strange because he had never seen Shen Jiu happy like this in the past. The Shen Qingqiu now had a loving Luo Binghe, who gave him what Yue Qingyuan could not provide.
He supposed seeing him at peace was enough to let him go.