Chapter Text
BLACK SCREEN.
After a while, a TEXT appears on screen, reading:
THIS MOVIE WAS MADE BY THREE STUDENTS DURING AN EXCHANGE PROGRAM IN ENGLAND IN 2001. SINCE SHOOTING THIS FILM, THEY HAVEN‘T BEEN SEEN SINCE. IF YOU HAVE ANY INFORMATION ABOUT THEIR WHEREABOUTS PLEASE CONTACT THE LONDON POLICE.
EVERYTHING YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE IS 100% REAL AND NOT STAGED. 100%. PREPARE YOURSELVES.
PLEASE DON‘T TRY EXORCISING A DEMON AT HOME, KIDS.
Cue ominous music. Fade to black...
A blurry image of a teenager‘s room appears. Grey wallpaper, various posters of classic horror movies plastered everywhere. The camera is positioned on the desk, showing a spinning chair. A TEENAGER moves into frame to sit on it. He‘s young, maybe 17, wearing a BLAIR WITCH PROJECT merch shirt. A text on the bottom right of the screen reads: LEON, EXORCISM EXPERT.
Leon, sighing dramatically multiple times: Hi. I know what you‘re thinking. You‘re probably wondering, who the hell is this guy? Who I am‘s not important. It‘s only important what I am, and what I can do.
Knocking on the door.
Leon, clearly annoyed: I‘M FILMING, MOM! [muffled voice coming from the door.] NO, I- [he sighs] I don‘t want sushi... [more muffled talking.] Yeah, I know. Okay. Okay.
Leon starts moving towards the door, you can hear the unlocking and then shortly afterwards locking of a door. Seconds later, Leon appears back in frame, carrying a plate of vegetarian sushi. He puts it aside on his night stand and sits back down.
Leon, running a hand over his face: Sorry. As I was saying, I‘m pretty much a paranormal expert. I know. ‚An expert at this young of an age??‘ Well, yeah. My dad‘s a priest, and I may have stolen his exorcism notes for this. Sorry dad. I also stole your camera. Sorry for that too, except not really because fuck you. If you‘re watching this, that means this first draft made it into the film, which then means... [He pauses, conflicted] That I‘m dead. Or gone. Or missing. Or gone, missing, and dead. In which case... Mom, I love you. Dad, I hope you choke on a pubic hair in your soup and die a slow, painful death. I‘ve made precautions, in case I won‘t be... here to send this to any film executives. Hey, by the way, if you‘re one of those. I hope this documentary will be ... satisfactory to you. You know where to call me. [Silence.] ... Ok, umm, time to roll the clips?
Fade to black.
Three teenagers, standing in a circle, look to be in deep thought. The lights are barely enough to make out their shape. One of them is holding the camera. The bottom text reads: LEON, ALEX and MIKE. Leon is the one holding the camera.
Mike, nervously looking between his friends: Are you sure this is a good idea? We could get arrested for this.
Leon, scoffing: Don‘t be a pussy. We‘re gonna be rich if we manage to pull this off. Fucking rolling in money. I‘m gonna buy my mom a yacht, or something. Or a mansion. Or both. So don‘t screw this up for us.
Alex, nodding: Besides, our evidence is air tight. The whole thing with the old lady... The bad omens... And you‘ve seen the dude yourself, his eyes? That shit ain‘t normal.
Leon: You wanna explain that to our viewers, b- Alex?
Alex, blushing: Should I? I mean, shouldn‘t you? Are you su- Okay. Kay. [He exhales and smiles at the camera] Hey, so I‘m Alex? We‘re students on exchange in Lo-
Leon: No, they know.
Alex: How?
Leon: I‘m gonna put it on screen for them. Like they do in documentaries.
Alex, contemplating: Oh... Well, we put in an ad in a local newspaper for people who were witnesses of something... supernatural. Strange stuff. Unexplained phenomena. The whole shebang. [He chuckles.] We got lots of bullshit, truth be told. Took me almost 2 whole weeks to ward through the trash. The stuff some people come up with, I mean, lizard people?? [He catches sight of Leon‘s expression off screen and then coughs.] Okay, moving on, there was one letter I actually found interesting. Or, Leon did, while we- We both found it pretty fucking cool. This old lady, right, she tells us that she lives next to a guy from the city. Bachelor, handsome ‚like the devil‘. Her words, not mine. Anthony something. According to her, she‘s witnessed quite a few strange going ons in that house, including uhh... [He pulls a wrinkled piece of paper from his back pocket, reading from it:] Satanic rituals, devil worship and uhh... What‘s Leviticus, 18.22 and 20.13? [The camera moves as Leon shrugs.] Okay, whatever the hell that means. Naturally, we were like, satanic rituals? Devil worship? Blasphemy? Gotta be a satanist, right? Or a metal fan. Either way, should probably check that out. So we did. We checked him out. [Alex winks into the camera.] We basically stalked his house like a creep for like 2 days, and we did watch a couple... suspicious instances, I mean, who keeps their sunglasses on in doors? When we decided it was time to strike, we knocked on his door late at night... And when we saw his eyes, well, you‘ll see for yourselves, won‘t you. It‘s freaky. Especially combined with the fact that he straight up hissed at us when he saw my cross. [Alex shudders.] Hissing. Total creep.
Leon, sounding proud of himself: What did we do then, Alex?
Alex: Well, L- viewers, we uhh... Well...
Mike, holding a taser gun up to the camera: We tasered him.
Alex, yelling excitedly: We tasered his demonic ass! [He coughs.] Dude went out like a light. Drove here, to the dorm- I mean, to our secret lair, chained him up real good to a bed in the small prayer room they‘ve got here. Don‘t worry, we have a camera on him at all times, in case he wakes up. If he wakes up and can explain to us why he has snake eyes then we‘ll let him go. Maybe. If not, we...
Mike, deadpan: Torture him.
Alex, shushing him: No, you fucking weirdo. That‘s bad.
Mike: Kidnapping him and chaining him up in an abandoned building isn‘t?
Leon, clearly annoyed: Well, obviously if he‘s a demon he‘s got no fucking rights, okay?! Not like he‘s a British citizen or sumthin‘. Or American. He‘s outta this world, and he‘s gotta go back to where he came back from. The real Anthony‘s probably being possessed in his own body right about now, and it‘s our duty to help him. Who will if not us?
Both Mike and Alex look at the camera solemnly.
NEXT SCENE: A camera shot of an even worse quality, this time shot from the far right corner of a room. We‘re inside a dark, barren room with a couple chairs and an altar, along with a huge, grotesque depiction of Jesus dying on the cross. In the middle of the room is a shabby looking metal bed, and on top of that bed is an unconscious FIGURE, slowly waking up. His hands and feet are tied to the bed post, his body is stretched wide. The male has shoulder length hair and is wearing a what looks to be Bronski Beat shirt, along with a robe and dark, silk pyjamas.
From somewhere to his right, there‘s a noise, like a wet gurgling sound, barely noticeable. It wakes up the sleeping demon, and we can‘t clearly see his face, but he looks pissed once he notices where he is.
Demon, hollering while looking around frantically: HASTUR?? LIGUR?? ... G-guys, this isn‘t bloody funny... Alright, ya got me! Tada! Nice trick. Now untie me, Satan damn it! [Silence answers him, except for the soft gurgling.] What the fuck is that, hello?? HellOOoO?? [He strains his neck, then abandons that to try to untie himself.] Oh, damn it. Fucking fuck. Fuck. Fucking.... heavens! ...... Aziraphale? Angel?
Footsteps can be heard approaching. The gurgling stops abruptly.
Demon: Angel, if that‘s you, I swear I- I mean, I‘m kinda mad, yea, but listen, I‘ll get over it, okay? I‘ll deal, I‘ll be chill. [The rattling on his chains grows more frantic.] If this- if this is- this is pay back for that first copy edition of Goethe I drew, I doodled on, I‘m sorry, okay? Truly, I am. Sorry. Won‘t happen again. It‘s just, you know how I feel about the guy, and- [He looks at three figures standing in the doorway, currently out of frame.] Who the fuck are you? Where‘s Aziraphale?
Alex, stepping into frame: Who‘s Assi raffel?
Leon, gently touching Alex' shoulder while also walking up to him: Who the fuck we are, demon, is your worst. enemy.
Demon, contemplating: ... Gabriel? Michael? [He laughs.] Lookin‘ a little, uhh... Bill & Ted there, pals.
Leon: Who- ... Never mind. [He steps closer towards the bed, holding up the infamous taser gun.] We‘re here to send you back home from whence you came. We‘re exorcists, bitch!
Demon, looking offended: My my my, language, children! We‘re in a house of god. She has a thing or two to say about sexist slurs, ya know. [He grins, clearly impressed with himself, and lies back down as gracefully as he can. He tries to intertwine his legs but is rudely stopped by the chains.] How old are you, anyway? 12? [He laughs.]
Leon, growing more and more agitated: Shut up!
Demon, laughing: I‘m sorry, it‘s- it‘s just [He laughs harder.] You? Exorcists? A little young for college, eh, lads? [After seeing Leon‘s red facial expression, he keeps on laughing.] Do your parents know you‘re here? Does your daddy- [Leon lashes out with the gun, its two electrifying magnets lashing onto the Demon‘s clothed stomach. He screams and starts thrashing on the bed.] AHHH, RNNNNGGGGG!...
Right in the middle of the screen, a TEXT appears, spelling out: NO ACTUAL HUMANS WERE HARMED DURING THE MAKING OF THIS SCENE. PLEASE DO NOT ATTEMPT TO TASER SOMEONE AT HOME. NOT EVEN A DEMON. ESPECIALLY NOT A DEMON.
Demon, spitting out what looks to be droplets of blood: RRRnnN FFF-FF-FFFUCK! WAS THAT! FOR!
Alex on the side looks to be conflicted. Concerned, he walks up to the still panicking Leon and gently starts rubbing his back. He whispers something into his ear that is unintelligible to the viewer, which causes Leon to storm off out of the room. Alex exchanges a look with his other teammate. Mike, who has been eyeing the scene in front of him with interest, starts speaking up.
Mike, still deadpan: We don‘t like smart asses.
Demon, coughing painfully: Evidently. What‘s to say that I am a demon, though? What concrete facts you got, huh? What if I‘m the most human you‘ve ever laid your adolescent, eyelinered eyes upon? Huh?? What if I‘m an accountant?
Mike whispers something. Alex steps up to the prisoner, holding a plastic bottle filled with water. He brings it up to the demon‘s lips, who drinks it up with initial halfhearted protest.
Alex, taking back the bottle: What normal, sane person responds to being kidnapped and tied up like you just did?
Demon: Normal-? [He starts laughing again, and then presumably chokes on water.] Ouch. Remind me to never introduce you to the SoHo BDSM scene. [He grins maniacally, showcasing his sharp teeth.]
Alex, disgusted: Eww. Not cool, dude.
Fade to black.
NEXT SCENE: A still visibly shaken Leon is standing in the room of operations, the camera sitting on a desk. He keeps anxiously sweeping his hand over his face, puffing in and out frantically. Behind him, you can hear a figure creaking into the room, though the camera isn‘t able to really pick out any details. As it steps closer, it looks to be a man, covered in dirt and grease, wearing an old suit with holes in it. His matted hair is hanging partly over his face, but from what you can see the skin tissue underneath seems to be rotten and charred. Without moving any other part of his body, the man moves his outstretched hand onto Leon‘s shoulders. It is clear that he doesn‘t own all of his fingers anymore.
Leon, sighing: Yeah, I- I know... I know what, what you‘re gonna say... [Silence from the corpse. The hand starts moving slightly downwards.] I shouldn‘t have snapped like that... I... It won‘t happen again.
Alex, off camera at the door: You‘re damn right it won‘t.
Leon goes wide eyed, jumps and turns towards the noise. The corpse is no longer there, having disappeared after presumably being interrupted. Leon looks at Alex, then at his shoulder, then back at Alex.
Leon: Were you- were you standing here just now? [Alex walks up to him, looking confused. He tries touching his hand but is shaken off.] Don‘t fuck with me, were you. Or were you not. Just now rubbing my shoulder?
Alex: No...? Must‘ve been the wind, it‘s pretty chilly in here.
Leon, shaking his head frantically: No, no, you don‘t think I know what the fucking wind feels like on my shoulder, you think- [He stops as Alex starts cupping his face in his palms. The camera is no longer focused on his face, but his shoulders start relaxing gradually.]
Alex, calmly but surely: Hey, look at me. Snap out of it. You‘re okay. We‘re okay. The demon‘s definitely okay.
Leon, nodding repeatedly: I‘m- I‘m okay. W-We‘re okay. [He exhales.] Thanks... [He puts his own hand over Alex‘, slowly leaning his head forward, closer and closer, until...]
Alex, pulling back: No PDA, remember? [He smiles, stops the hand holding but not before reassuringly squeezing Leon‘s fingers once.] Your rules.
Leon, huffs, trying to pull him back in with a vice grip on his hips. He whispers something unintelligible, ends up kissing the air as Alex removes himself from the situation entirely.
Alex, clearly teasing: Hey, don‘t look at me like that, you were the one who said it. ‚Everyone in Hollywood is a homophobic old fuck, who hates gay people‘, remember? [His tone starts growing more mocking.] ‚Gay characters always either die or are evil‘. ‚We‘re never gonna get our movie deal if we have gays on screen‘. So, for the next few hours I‘ll be the straightest dude you‘ve ever seen! Hell, I'll even be sexist! And no cuts! You said this would be authentic film making! [He ruffles Leon‘s hair as they start moving backwards out of the door, smiling.] Just following your orders, director.
Leon, turning back towards the camera once Alex is out of the room: Note to future self: [over the top mouthing of DELETE THIS]
Fade to black.
NEXT SCENE: Back in their make shift prison, the demonic prisoner looks annoyed. Mike has started recording with the better camera, so we‘re really able to clearly see his bored expression. He softly whistles the first chorus of Queen‘s Bohemian Rhapsody.
Everyone turns their attention towards Leon and Alex, who have just appeared behind them. The camera man shakily waves from them back to the prisoner.
Demon, smiling warmly: Ahh, I see we‘ve all had a moment to clear our heads, have we now? That‘s good. Think we can finally talk like professionals now, like adults?
Leon, looking ashamed: Yes...
Demon, doing an obnoxious mouth pop: Yes? [He tries clapping his hands but fails due to the restraints, clearly annoyed but trying not to show it.] EXXXcellent. Now, good people, oh frightful Inquisitors, bane of my existence, you wouldn‘t terribly mind telling me who sent you, would you? [He is clearly going for friendly banter here, but fails due to the strain and barely constrained panic in his voice.]
Alex, confused: Who ... sent us? We drove out here on our own.
Demon, rolling his eyes: Yes, I know. I noticed. Almost threw up from all the bumps and halting along the road. Shame that anyone can get a driver‘s license these days. No, what I mean is who gave you the mission? Huh? Upstairs or downstairs?? [He looks separately at the three of them.] Heaven or hell? Top or bottom bunk?? Come on! [He whines, dramatically.] Tell meeeee.
Leon, squinting his eyes: Are you high?
Alex, rolling his eyes: Anybody ever tell you that you‘re really dramatic?
Demon, laughing loudly: Hah! Yes, actually. Many, many times. But then again, people who tell me that also generally tend to not taser, kidnap, torture-drive, tie up and then taser me again for no apparent reason, hmm? Pot. Meet kettle.
Leon: No apparent reason? [He scoffs, putting a hand inside Alex‘ back pocket, who blushes, and dramatically holds up the piece of paper the neighbour gave them.] What about this?
Demon, rolling his eyes: What about it? If you think I‘ve got laser vision and can read a folded paper all the way from up here, sorry to disappoint. Probably need an angel for that one.
Leon: One of your neighbours sent us this, done with your schemes! [He starts reading from the list:] Satanic rituals, devil worship...
Demon, loudly interrupting: Which neighbour? Listen, first rule of demon club, you don‘t shit where you eat. Why would I do my devilish deeds at my home, with my curtains wide open? Huh? [He squints, trying to make out the hand writing on the paper, straining his neck.] Which neighbour?
Alex, resolutely: We can‘t tell you.
Demon, groaning dramatically: Tsk. Fine. What else they say about me, huh? Only bad stuff, I hope?
Leon, nervously reciting: Uhhh... Leviticus, 18.22 and 20.13?
Demon, clearly confused: Levi- Leviticus? Wha- ... [Gears are visibly turning in his brain. After another minute of mumbling and guessing, he finally places the Bible verses and quirks up.] Hey! [He tries to jump up, hurting himself and further chaffing open the wounds on his wrists.] Ouch. Hey, Miss Pennyhurst, that you? Dolores? Older lady, has that god awful old fashioned perm and a bunch of cats? Hoards floral prints? That Misses P.?
The three exorcists, found out: ..........
Demon, after noticing their hesitation, starts crying out: Oww, Dolly, how you wound me! You, of all people! [He fake sniffles.] I helped her with her petunias once, can you believe it? Always waved, always said hello. [He sighs, defeated.] Betrayed, by my most trusted friend. Now I know what Caesar must have felt like when I, you know. Stabbed him in the back. Or, well, tasered, in this case.
Leon: .......... Yeaaaah, I‘m just gonna pretend like I have any fucking clue what you‘re talking about......
Alex, next to the camera, whispering to Leon: Are you sure he‘s not high?
Demon, wheezing: Hah, I wish! Although, Leviticus? [He starts perfectly reciting the bible verses without further thought:] ‚Thou shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination‘ ? ‚If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them.‘ That‘s a little... harsh, don‘t you reckon? I don‘t remember any such activities.... [He opens his eyes comically wide, blinking rapidly.] Wait. Waaaait just a minute. Back the bloody hell up. [He looks up at the sky.] Dolly, really? You see me, you see me and a handsome angel having a few lunches and fine, a tad bit of red wine, and you assume the worst of me? Which would be fine really, assuming the worst of me is generally a-okay, but Leviticus? [He looks at the teenagers, clearly offended.] Dear ol‘ granny just called me homosexual! Can ya believe it?
Alex, horrified: Wait, what?
Demon, nodding: Yep, an honest demon these days can‘t even keep in touch with old friends without being persecuted by a bunch of old, wrinkly homophones. Pardon, homophobes. Wow! Just wow! Homophobic exorcists, and that in the 21st century, that! [He whistles.]
Leon: Wait, back the fuck up, we‘re not homophobic? Okay?? We‘re actually the complete opposite of that, we‘re- [He exchanges a panicked look with Alex, who shakes his head lightly.] Allies. We‘re allies. We.... love the gays.
Off camera, you can clearly hear an annoyed and bored Mike, blowing out air. The hand holding the camera starts shaking slightly due to its weight.
Mike: Guys, can we please get going-
Demon, interrupting yet again: Trying to exorcise a gay demon isn‘t really ally behavior, don‘t you reckon? [He looks even more offended.] Not to mention, Aziraphale is my friend, he would never- I mean, angels are asexual beings! Or are they. No, can‘t be. Or can it. [His speech pattern starts going increasingly faster and more incoherent.] Would he? Do you think I should ask him? I mean, no of course not, that‘d be ridiculous. Totally obscure. Or would it. Yes. But, on the other hand... [He starts violently shaking his head to chase the thought away. It‘s clear the idea lingers on, though.] Anyways, onto more pressing matters: I can‘t believe that, in the year of our lord and savior two thousand and one, I am being the victim of a homophobic hate crime!
Alex & Leon in unison: You‘re not!
Demon, jiggling with his chains to demonstrate his point: Am too, see? I‘m clearly the victim here.
Alex, stuttering: No, you- We-
Mike aggressively throws the camera on the table. As it rattles back in frame, we can see a few moving shadows hurriedly scurrying away from the light. No one, in their homophobia driven frenzy, has noticed.
Mike, yelling: CAN WE PLEASE GET BACK ON POINT HERE? [Deafening silence.] Fuck‘s sake. You two [He points at a stammering Alex & Leon.] come with me. You [Obviously meaning the demon.] Stay.
The imprisoned demon starts pouting from his place on the bed. The three exorcists hurriedly leave the room and close the door on the way out. It doesn‘t help to muffle out the screams. In the far right of the room, a shadow start materializing again, almost in the shape of a person but not quite. The only thing clearly visible is the mouth. A small mouth with sharp, yellow teeth. „I want to go home,“ a small voice whispers.
Demon: Huh? Me too, sister. Join the club.
Fade to black