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Emptiness - days dragging continuously, bleak, agonizingly slow. Darkness - of mind and his icy cell, of nightmares and the others’ spiteful glances. Despair - of things he could never change or experience once again. Rage - towards his broken shell, his sins and the death’s denial. Leftovers - of what he had been and who he won’t ever become again. Scars, losses, sadness, bitterness, pain… the never-ending pain.
All of that suddenly swept away as he jumps outside, into the sea of white endless terrain with only the specks of dark green on the distant horizon where mountains rise high above the ground.
“What is this?” he asks, breathless, the cold air biting his weakened lungs and his hurting throat.
“Home?” Kaizuka offers, mysteriously and obnoxiously at the same time, as he holds a large travelling bag over his shoulder, and then adds, because the word doesn’t stir any reaction in Slaine, “Somewhere distant where no one will be able to find us. I’m forbidden to tell you the exact location, but I don’t think it matters.”
Slaine listens as the helicopter behind their backs takes off, roaring like a triumphant predator, and the echo of the powerful rotors run wild into the abyss of white.
Slowly, he turns around, and there it is indeed. Home. A one-story cabin peeks out from the piles of snow, sturdy and terrifyingly beautiful.
Slaine follows Kaizuka towards it, and something strange and abundant grows in his chest.
***
The days merge; time hides way. The similarity of everyday chores and actions embraces him, but Slaine doesn’t mind. It’s quite different from his cell routine. Here, he can pause from sweeping the floor and make himself a cup of hot tea. Here, he doesn’t need to wake up early and do his bed because there is no regime. He sleeps until late morning and stays late to watch the night sky when the weather is good. Here, he wears warm sweaters and eats Kaizuka’s food - not the disgusting leftovers they were feeding him in the prison.
Here, there’s Kaizuka’s, “Seconds?”
And he answers, reluctantly, “Yes, please”, a bit fearful of getting a sudden refusal, a denying smirk, a new scar, but Kaizuka always - always - stays true to his offer.
Here, Slaine is miraculously free, even if he has to wake up during the night and listen to how feverishly Kaizuka types on his work laptop.
Here, he also has to chop wood, because, funny enough, Kaizuka is atrocious at it despite guiding him with advices on how to do it in the beginning.
Here, he laughs for the first time in ages, and he loves it. Finally, he loves… something. He’s not sure how to call it yet, yet the void slowly recedes. A word ‘happy’ doesn’t seem so unexplored now. It keeps somewhere close, close to where his heart still slumbers.
***
At first they are awkward with each other, Slaine thinks. Kaizuka hides it well, but there are moments when he pauses as if he isn’t quite sure what to do or say next. Slaine shies away, too thankful for the new life and afraid that it’s only some kind of a short-lived game for Kaizuka. But time passes, and they start eating together and sleeping in the same room, and then Kaizuka says one day, “The probation period is over. We’re allowed to stay here for your whole sentence.”
“We?” Slaine frowns, uncomprehending, lost, surprised over why Kaizuka would want this kind of life.
“We,” he confirms. Slaine is not good at reading him yet, and if there’s bitterness he cannot decipher it. “…are the UFE property.” Kaizuka doesn’t say ‘puppets’, and there is no need. Slaine thinks, the two of them really carry too many secrets to ever be completely free.
“Um,” he mumbles, desperate to escape the heavy atmosphere, “Want to go for a walk?”
He expects the refusal but Kaizuka stands up wordlessly, and soon Slaine finds both of them outside, treading silently side by side over the frozen earth, still awkward, but somehow - connected now. In the most unforeseen and wrongful of ways.
And as his heart learns restlessness Slaine is suddenly met with a new kind of longing.
***
It first comes in the form of stray thoughts which he prefers to let go of fast because they seem too silly or pointless to waste time over.
‘So, are we going to stay together now for the rest of our lives?’
‘Isn’t he sad about not seeing his friends anymore?’
‘Should I tell him he drools sometimes in his sleep?’
‘If I tell him to stop drying his socks on the furnace and move them to the bathroom is he going to think I’m crowding space to myself?’
‘Perhaps, I can try and ask him about making that tasty cranberry pie again?’
‘He looks nice in that orange jacket.’
‘And he is nice when he’s not trying to kill me.’
‘…Does his artificial eye hurt?’
He doesn’t know the exact moment it happens but somewhere along the pattern of those thoughts, he finds himself infatuated with Kaizuka Inaho. ‘Infatuated’ is the word he chooses himself as he stands in front of the mirror in the small hall and slaps his own cheeks mercilessly. Because feeling anything - anything - of this nature is a road to destroy whatever crumbs of happiness he now has.
“You’re foolish,” Slaine groans, presses his forehead to his own reflection. “You know how this ends.”
“I beg to differ. I’m not foolish,” Kaizuka peeks out from the kitchen, the curiosity in his stare too obvious to miss. “And what ends how?”
Slaine feels how his face turns unbearably hot.
“N-nothing. I’ll go chop the wood.”
He throws his cyan jacket over his shoulders and escapes into the bright day.
***
It gets hard to be around Kaizuka. Every moment he fears he’ll say or do something that will make Kaizuka see his inane feelings. Slaine is sure Kaizuka doesn’t need them so he tries to avoid the man, though doing it at the place they are living is close to impossible. The summer which allows him to stay outside for longer time is very short and passes fast. And the colds aren’t something to toy with so most time Slaine finds himself locked in together with Kaizuka.
Their second year together is almost over when Slaine understands he is a total wreck and that he’s losing it. Because Kaizuka starts looking at him strangely, and Slaine can almost feel him forcing down the question ready at his lips. Kaizuka always turns away afterwards, deep in thought, and Slaine counts the minutes until everything is destroyed forever.
They stop talking, for most part, because Slaine can’t trust himself anymore. Blurting out some shit would be the death of him. Surprisingly, Kaizuka still gives him space and doesn’t worry him - for most part. But today is the end of October, the end of the month, when supplies are delivered to them via the helicopter, and Slaine knows he cannot avoid Kaizuka on a day like this. Usually they receive several boxes, and letting Kaizuka carry them all will make him feel even guiltier.
“Do I get help from Slaine Troyard today?” Kaizuka asks daringly as he zips his orange jacket.
Slaine stands up to put on his own winter wear. They walk together outside, along the familiar path of snow and a small array of fir trees. The sky is vast and unremarkably grey, but Slaine likes the tranquility of it. Small snowflakes land upon his face, and he adjusts his white headband to make sure his ears stay warm. He had come down with flu last year, and he’s not up for the same unpleasant experience.
The helicopter is late, but it’s a usual occurrence so Slaine sits himself up on the log of a dead tree and watches the sky. Kaizuka keeps standing near, silent, and Slaine is thankful for the peace. He relaxes, closes his eyes and breathes in the cold air, forcing himself to forget his inner turmoil for a second and just live the current moment, free and happy the way he had never been before.
It is then that he feels the sudden kiss as warm lips suddenly press gently into the space above his nose and between his eyebrows and linger there for an endless moment. Slaine opens his eyes, too stunned to recoil, too lost to react. Kaizuka is too close, and Slaine shudders when the warm lips fall back and instead Kaizuka moves his face the way the tip of his nose goes up and lifts Slaine’s headband. Just for Kaizuka’s warm lips to continue the baffling siege and leave a new kiss on Slaine’s forehead.
Kaizuka never utters a single word as his fingers brush tenderly Slaine’s cheek and he gets up from his crouch, only smiles a little soft smile while Slaine’s cheeks are caught on excruciating fire.
“W-what is this?” Slaine stutters, suddenly having a déjà vu of their first day together in this godforsaken abyss of white.
“Thought you might need it.”
Kaizuka’s tone is too smug for Slaine to begin any kind of comeback. So he just keeps sitting there, a storm of pent up emotions slowly coming alive. The roaring of the approaching helicopter never helps him revert from the shock. In the end, Kaizuka Inaho is the one who carries all the boxes back to the cabin.
***
“Earth to Count Troyard,” Kaizuka says when Slaine stares at him continuously instead of eating his evening meal. “The eggs are getting cold.”
“Sod eggs. You kissed me,” Slaine blurts out. The fork he holds lands loudly on the table.
“I did,” Kaizuka agrees, never breaking the eye contact with him. “Might do it on the lips next time.”
“Sod you,” Slaine groans, feverish and feeling unexplainably alive. “I’m in love with you.”
“Then we have one more thing in common.”
Despite his pounding heart Slaine can’t help himself saying, “You’re in love with yourself?”
He hides his trembling hands under the table and sinks - into the moment of before the final answer, into a terrifying edge between the past and future, into something tender and yet fragile.
“Don’t be silly. I’m in love with you, Troyard.”
Kaizuka’s hands find his under the table, and as their fingers entwine, shyly but with a newfound eagerness, Slaine feels as if finally he’s born anew.