Storm Tossed

by Elise_Madrid

Summary:

At the end of the five-year mission, Kirk and Spock plan on spending their leave on the Kirk farm. But then tragedy strikes, and nothing is the same.

Notes:

My own take on the three-year separation. Probably because I never liked the whole separation idea, more than one reader has had a rather forceful reaction to this story, so be warned.

Originally published March, 2003 in Beyond Dreams 6

Spock stepped into the darkness of the Observation Deck. He knew he would find his captain here. It was Kirk's habit to retire to this room at the end of the day to unwind and relax, or just enjoy the panorama of stars that had called to him all his life.

He approached the silent man seated next to the wide expanse of window that gave the room its only light. Stars shone brilliantly through the wall of transparent aluminum. Kirk sat on one of the padded couches strategically placed to afford the viewer the widest spectacle. But his eyes were shut.

"Jim?" Spock sat next to his captain and placed his hand on the human's shoulder.

Kirk opened his eyes and smiled. "Hi, Spock. I didn't hear you come in."

Spock brought his hand down and, joining it with its mate, folded them neatly in his lap. "It is two hundred hours. You should be in bed."

Kirk's smile turned into a grin. "And you, Science Officer? What are you doing up at this ungodly hour?"

"It is a well-known fact that Vulcans can go an extended period without sleep."

"So can starship captains when they have to." Kirk's gaze returned to the stars. "I was just…recharging. They do that to me, you know."

"You were not looking at the stars."

"I don't have to. I know they're there." Kirk leaned into the couch. "Do you think the repairs on the bypass controls will hold up?"

"If not, the adjustments needed to keep them within safety limits can be readily redone," Spock quietly answered. He and the chief engineer had spent most of the morning trying to insure that would not be necessary.

"It's a dangerous procedure. I don't like the idea of you going back in there."

"As Mr. Scott is needed at the controls, I am the most qualified to do so."

"Aren't you always, Mr. Spock?" Kirk asked. "That doesn't change the fact that I'm still sending you into danger." He shook his head ruefully. "You'd think I'd be used to it by now."

"It is the life we have chosen for ourselves, both of us."

"Yeah, I suppose. But I don't have to like it."

"No more than I when you disregard your own safety," Spock responded.

"That's different."

"As when you insisted on beaming down three days ago into a situation that was unstable at best?" Though Spock's voice held a note of amusement, he was unable to keep the worry and fear he had felt at that time from his words.

"I got the job done. If I hadn't beamed down they'd still be at each other's throats. Sometimes, Spock, there's only one way to call a bluff."

Spock sighed, knowing too well what Kirk tended to use to raise the ante. His own safety. But his captain had been successful in forcing both sides of the planetary civil war to lay down their arms and sue for peace. What Starfleet would think of Kirk's declaration—that if they didn't figure out a way to stop their fighting the Federation would do it for them—was anyone's guess. "As you say, it concluded the hostilities."

"Yes, it's too bad all our problems can't be fixed so easily." Kirk quieted for a moment. "These repairs…the ship's taken quite a beating recently and it shows. The refit is coming none too soon."

The refit…and Earth. "We shall be there in eight point three days."

Neither spoke after that but neither felt the need to. They had traveled far in their five years together and had long ago lost the need for anything to bridge the space between them. There was no space. But the five year mission was coming to an end. And though both were fighting to retain the Enterprise, nothing was assured. Yet their talks regarding their future always circled back to the ship, as if any other life was unthinkable for them now.

The entire crew would be debriefed and then allowed to use whatever shore leave they had accrued before reassignment. Both he and Kirk had a substantial amount. They planned a month's leave on the Kirk farm, and then a trip to Vulcan to visit Spock's parents. But the ship would be in dry-dock for at least eighteen months. And the bureaucracy of Starfleet could add another year to that figure. It was a long time to try to fill without taking on any assignment that would be too permanent. Somehow they would manage to stay free of any professional entanglements, for they both wished to once more serve on the Enterprise—together.

Kirk stretched and then rose to his feet. "I don't know about you, but I think I've had enough stargazing for the night." He held out his hand in invitation. "Come on, Spock. Let's go to bed."

^^^^^

The walk to their quarters was made in silence, as if the lateness of the hour demanded they remain mute. Spock realized the illogic of that thought. There was always something going on as those on duty went about their jobs. Yet the stillness held as they made their way along the mostly deserted corridors of the ship.

Once in their cabin, Kirk threw off his clothes and headed for the bathroom. Spock's own routine was to complete any work that might have accumulated during his absence while Kirk showered. It was a practical solution, as they had found using the facilities at the same time too distracting and only did so when the sole purpose was to enhance their lovemaking. Sitting at his desk, Spock heard his lover's slightly off key singing as Kirk turned off the water and stepped out to dry himself.

Spock finished his last report and shut down the computer. He looked up in time to see Kirk crawling into bed. The human's bare skin almost glowed in the dim light of their sleeping quarters.

Kirk pushed the covers back and stretched out. "You coming to bed?"

Spock rose and picked up the meditation robe folded over a nearby chair. "First I wish to shower and then meditate. I shall join you within the hour."

"Well, hurry." Kirk smiled, but his eyes slowly closed.

"I will do my best." Spock entered the bathroom and quickly undressed. He slipped into the stall of the sonic, preferring the less time-consuming mode of cleansing. Once done with his nightly preparations, he knelt at his normal place for meditation, a mat placed at the base of the incense burner near the foot of the bed. Spock smiled inwardly, remembering Kirk's remarks about the idol. His lover had had doubts about being able to sleep with ‘that hideous statue’ staring at him all night. His fears had proved groundless.

Spock cleared his mind and slowly lowered himself into the trancelike state. It was a vital part of his routine, and less than thirty minutes later he resurfaced from the depths of meditation and opened his eyes. From his vantage point of mere feet away, he could watch the slow rise and fall of his lover's chest. The mat cushioned him from the hard surface of the deck, but the softness of the bed and the planes of his bondmate's body called to him. The end of the mission had brought added responsibilities and it had been several days since they had enjoyed the gift of each other's bodies. Sometimes Spock found it difficult to believe that once he had been blind to the pleasures of the flesh.

But Kirk had become his other half. And when the imperative of Spock's body had roared back to life after the debacle on Vulcan, his friend had been there waiting. Since that day, three point four years before, they had lived as the ancient warrior-mates of Vulcan: sharing their bodies, their minds, their lives.

Spock slowly unfolded himself and stood. He pulled off his robe and slid in next to his lover. The human rolled into his arms, resettling himself without waking. Spock smiled into the fine strands of hair as Kirk's head burrowed against his chest. As much as he desired sexual congress at this time, Kirk allowing the sheltering embrace banked the fires of the body while sparking to life all of Spock's need to protect this most precious of beings.

They were both off-duty the next day, one day of rest before the last frantic push for home. The morning would do just as well. Yet Spock could feel his lover's penis, thick and full, resting against his stomach. It was not an unusual occurrence. His own twitched in response.

The human stirred and cuddled closer, insinuating a leg between Spock's.

"Do you want to?" Kirk voice was half seduction, half drowsy response to Spock's closeness.

"No, Jim. Go back to sleep."

"You sure?" Kirk's hand lazily skimmed over Spock's buttocks but stilled as sleep pulled at him.

"I am sure."

"Okay." Kirk turned and resettled himself in Spock's arms.

With the human now facing away, Spock tightened his hold and nestled his head into the hollow of Kirk's neck. He relaxed his body against the cooler one in his arms and joined his bondmate in slumber.

 

^^^^^

Kirk sat on one of the overstuffed chairs that lined Admiral Nogura's outer office. He nervously crossed his legs and rechecked the chronometer on the wall directly behind Lieutenant Taggart, Nogura's aide-de-camp. They had been on Earth for a week, yet he could count on one hand the number of hours they had spent anywhere but at 'Fleet headquarters. Today didn't look to be an exception.

His gaze slid past the young woman to the door directly to her left. Spock had been in there for over an hour. Kirk grimaced. His own interrogation the day before had lasted almost three.

Chief of Operations. Who did Nogura think he was kidding? Operations was run, had been run, and always would be run by the Admiral's minion and their lackeys. There was no way Kirk wanted that job, promotion or no promotion. Maybe he and Spock would quit. There were plenty of outfits that would jump at the chance to hire an ex-starship captain and his first officer. He briefly smiled at the thought of Spock and him roaming the galaxy as free agents, picking and choosing where they would go and what they would do.

He recrossed his legs and tried to curtail his impatience. He had already pissed off the young lieutenant by not picking up on her signals. He sighed. Three years with a male lover had blunted his skills when dealing with the fairer sex.

Kirk checked the chronometer again. God, he wished they'd hurry up. He and Spock were expected at a formal reception that night. But once done, they were off to Iowa. Their bags were already packed.

Finally the door opened and Spock walked out. It didn't look good. Spock was wearing his "Vulcans don't have emotions" face. He met his erstwhile first officer halfway. "All done?"

Spock gave a quick nod.

"That bad, huh?"

"I have had more cordial conversations." The Vulcan remained rigidly formal.

Kirk motioned with a tilt of his head and led him out of the office. They didn't speak again until they were in their aircar and on the way home.

"So tell me what happened," Kirk said. He glanced over at Spock and frowned. Maybe it was worse than he had originally thought. He turned back to watch the traffic, his hands lightly controlling the vehicle.

"They wish me to assume command of a research vessel. The Pasteur is set for a deep-space exploration of the outer rim. The mission is to be of an extended length…five to seven years."

"Oh." Kirk digested the information. They weren't kidding around. Nogura had commented on his too close relationship with Spock. Apparently Starfleet wanted them separated. He and Spock had never gotten around to legally registering their relationship. It looked like it might be a good idea to do so.

He mulled over their options as he drove, and minutes later they approached their building. Kirk pulled the 'car into their space on the roof. As they made their way down to their floor, it occurred to him how strange it felt. The Enterprise had been their home for so long. The apartment they entered would never be.

"Do you want to shower first?" Kirk called out as he made his way into the bedroom. Boxes were piled in every room, loaded with the physical manifestations of five years of their lives. The boxes would remain here, most never unpacked, until they were sure of their next move. The apartment was but a stepping stone on their way to their future.

Spock had followed him and taken a seat on the bed. The Vulcan's boots were already off and he stood to quickly undress. "That would be satisfactory. Once I am finished, I will have time to place a call to Vulcan while you prepare." He looked pointedly at Kirk. "I wish to begin the proper procedures to have Vulcan officially recognize our bonding."

Kirk grinned. "Good idea."

^^^^^

The reception was in full swing when they arrived, and they tried entering as unobtrusively as possible. But this was Starfleet's show, and Kirk and Spock were the first and only act. They soon found themselves center stage, the fair-haired wunderkind and his trusty first officer. Fielding questions, they were slowly separated as each was caught up in the general commotion and monopolized by curious guests.

Though not in uniform, they had dressed formally. They didn’t want to unduly antagonize Starfleet. But at the same time they had felt the need to show that they were more than Starfleet officers. Kirk thought Spock looked good enough to eat in the midnight blue tunic and pants he sported. He could just see Spock's head, the Vulcan nodding politely every now and then, from about twenty feet away. It seemed his first officer was trapped by an admiral's wife, who probably thought Spock would make a good catch for her daughter. Kirk watched in amusement from his vantage point at the bar. He had finally managed to make his own escape from the clutches of a particularly tenacious reporter.

Knowing it would be awhile until Spock could join him, Kirk turned to order a drink. The bartender had just placed it in front of him when an elegantly gloved hand reached over and picked it up.

"Excuse me, I think you have my drink." Kirk swiveled around on his seat. Standing next to him was a slim, dark-haired woman. Not classically beautiful, but she possessed an air of refinement and sophistication that was hard to ignore. He stood up and realized she was an inch or two taller than he.

"I didn't think you'd mind. And I just wanted a small taste." She brought the glass to her lips and took a sip before handing it back.

Uh oh. Kirk set the glass on the bar with a grimace. Maybe he was out of practice, but this come-on was too blatant to be mistaken.

She realized her mistake at once and held out her hand. "Lori Ciani."

"Jim Kirk." He shook her hand, but his thoughts were suddenly focused across the room.

Perhaps he hadn't forgotten how to read women so much as just turned that part of himself off. At the beginning of their relationship, Kirk had thought to continue his freewheeling style, his charm automatic in the presence of a desirable woman. And Spock, the master of disguising his emotions, had hidden his hurt confusion. Kirk didn't know what exactly had turned him around and made him realize what he was doing. Whatever it was, he would be eternally grateful for it. After hurting Spock more times than he cared to remember, the lesson had finally sunk in. He couldn't play at love. And though Spock had professed to understand that this was merely a manifestation of his captain’s outgoing personality and had, in fact, assured him that he did not wish him to change, Kirk knew it was too dangerous. No one could guarantee they would never stray. And flirting was the first step. He'd seen too many relationships destroyed because one partner or the other thought they had the will power to walk up to the line…but not cross it.

"I just wanted to add my congratulations. You must be very proud. The only man to successfully finish a five-year mission with his crew basically intact." If she was aware of his momentary distraction, she ignored it.

"I didn't do it alone." He nodded in Spock's direction.

She turned to look at the Vulcan for a moment. "Yes, I've heard about your friendship with your first officer. Everyone has."

"Really?" he asked, trying to hide his amusement. She had to be from Nogura.

"It's said that you're as close as brothers."

"Oh, closer than that." He motioned to the bartender for another drink.

Her eyes widened slightly before she could check the reaction. "But I thought I heard he was taking a deep-space assignment." She picked up the drink and started toying with it, swirling the liquid around as she looked at him through lowered lashes.

"Don't believe everything you hear."

"I'll remember that." She laughed lightly. "So, tell me a little about yourself. I know you're not married. Do you have a girlfriend?"

"No, no girlfriend. But I wouldn't say I was unattached, either." The bartender walked over with his drink, and Kirk handed him his card. "The lady's, too."

"Thank you. That's an odd way of putting it, not 'unattached.'"

"Maybe I think it's between me and the person involved."

"In other words, mind my own business."

"I didn't say that." He couldn't tell if she was upset or amused.

"But that's what you meant. Don't worry. You're not the first person to think I'm…pushy. I just hoped you'd find it an endearing quality."

"I happen to think honesty is an admirable quality."

"That's a start." She smiled. "That being the case, I'll be perfectly frank and say I find you a very attractive man. I just thought we could get to know each other better."

He mulled over his words a moment. "Listen, I think you're a really lovely woman. And given other circumstances, I'd be honored. But I happen to be very much in love with someone. And there's no way I'm going to jeopardize a great relationship. I'm sorry."

"Me, too." She shrugged and opened her purse. She took out a card and slipped it into his coat pocket. "Here. In case you ever find yourself at loose ends. Sometimes things have a habit of changing…even great relationships."

"Not this one, Ms. Ciani." He saw Spock break away and start toward them. "If you will excuse me?" Kirk put his drink down and, bowing slightly, walked away.

"Have we sufficiently fulfilled our obligation?" Spock asked with a slight lifting of one eyebrow.

Kirk laughed and, taking Spock arm, pulled him toward the exit. "Let's get out of here."

^^^^^

Kirk gazed out the window and peered out at the darkened landscape. There was no moon out, and the brilliance of the sky did little to illuminate the passing miles. He hitched down in his seat. The few drinks he’d had at the reception were making him drowsy, and he was glad he'd agreed to let Spock drive.

They'd been traveling for about twenty minutes. The house was still another half hour away. The trip to the transporter station and the renting of another 'car had taken almost as long as their actual journey, so it was coming onto three hundred hours when Kirk felt Spock gently shake him awake.

"We're here already?" He sat up and rubbed his eyes. The house stood about thirty feet away. A light in the front window was the only sign that anyone was there to greet them.

"I believe your mother has become aware of our arrival." Spock nodded toward the front door as it opened and a petite shape broke away and started towards them.

"Jim?" Winona Kirk held a portable light that brought their surroundings into sharp relief.

Kirk got out of the 'car and walked toward the woman who met him halfway with a fierce hug.

"Jim, I'm so glad you're finally home." She held on tightly.

"It's good to be back." He gently unwound her arms from around his waist, somewhat surprised by her exuberant greeting. His mother had never been one for overt signs of affection. He took her hand and walked her over to Spock. "Mom, this is Spock."

The Vulcan had been unloading their bags from the back compartment. He put the valise down and turned to the woman. "It is an honor to finally meet you, Mrs. Kirk."

Kirk watched his mother for a reaction. She knew exactly who, and what, Spock was to him. But somehow they had never made it back here in the five years of the mission. Everything she knew about the man, who was for all intents and purposes her son-in-law, she had learned from the numerous letters Kirk had sent her.

She hesitantly put out her hand but pulled it back at the last moment. "I'm sorry. I almost forgot. Vulcans don't shake hands, do they?"

"Not normally. But I am not adverse to touching in this way with the mother of my bondmate." Spock held out his hand and took hers in a gentle clasp.

"Bondmate. That's like a spouse." She threw a nervous look at her son.

"That's right, Mom."

She looked back at the Vulcan. "I'm glad to finally meet you, too, Mr. Spock."

It wasn't all Kirk had hoped for but it was a start. With the introduction over, he and Spock gathered their bags and followed his mother into the house. The night was cool, but the day's heat still held in the house, and the smell of freshly baked bread filled every room. Some things never changed. "Smells like you've been busy."

She turned to her son and smiled. "I know how much you like it."

"Wait 'til you taste it, Spock. There's nothing like homemade bread, toasted and buttered, first thing in the morning." He turned back to his mother. "I want to show him the farm, so we were thinking of getting an early start in the morning. Considering the time, do you think you can wait until tomorrow for a long talk?"

"Sure." She hesitated again. "I've got your old room all squared away if you want to go up now."

"Spock?" Kirk queried his lover.

"That would be acceptable."

"Come on, then." Kirk kissed his mother goodnight, and they started for the room. They were stopped at the landing halfway up when Kirk's mother called out. "Yeah, Mom?"

"I thought you'd like to see some of your old friends, so I invited a few over for tomorrow night. It's not a problem, is it?"

"No, no problem. I want them all to meet Spock." He turned and grinned at the Vulcan. He had an idea what "a few" meant. The Vulcan would probably be presented to half of Riverside.

"And I am most interested in meeting those who had the pleasure of knowing you as a child."

Kirk laughed. "This should be interesting."

He was still chuckling when they entered the room where he had spent his boyhood. There had been a few changes.

"I wondered if she would do that." Kirk motioned to the very large bed set against the wall.

Spock had walked over to put their luggage on the small sofa tucked in the corner. He looked up from the bag he was emptying into the highboy next to it. "I do not understand."

"I had a single-sized bed. That monstrosity was never part of the furniture."

"I am truly grateful to your mother. I remember all too well our difficulty with the single-sized bunks on the Enterprise."

"Oh, I know." Kirk threw himself on the bed, lying across it. "I'm curious where she dredged up this old antique." He studied the tall posts that surrounded him and then turned on his stomach to look up at Spock. "I guess I was worried what her reaction to us would be."

"Did you believe she would have reservations about our situation?"

"I don't know. She's never seen me with a man before. And I don't know how much she knows about Vulcans. I really do need to have a long talk with her. There's only so much you can explain in a letter."

Spock closed the drawer of the bureau and approached the bed. He sat next to Kirk and proceeded to remove his shoes. "I understand. Though my parents are more aware of what is truly between us, I have often felt that my mother had a certain amount of difficulty with the concept of a warrior bond."

"Really?" Kirk sat up and pulled off his own shoes and started to undress. "I never got the impression that she was bothered by it."

"Perhaps difficulty is too strong a word. But Sarek did explain to me that she was disappointed I would not be producing offspring."

"Yeah, the old 'grandmother' syndrome." Kirk got up long enough to turn off the light and open one of the windows set against the adjacent wall. He returned to the bed to join the Vulcan, who had settled himself under the thick comforter. "But she didn't let it stop her from being glad for us."

"That is true. But it was illogical for her to expect grandchildren to begin with. She was already aware that, as a hybrid, I am sterile."

"Hmm." Kirk yawned and laid his head against Spock's chest. "She would have figured out something." He was only half kidding.

"That is essentially what Sarek said. He was most surprised by her refusal to see the logic of the situation."

"Grandmotherhood knows no logic." Kirk's words were almost inaudible.

"'Grandmotherhood,' Jim?"

"Never mind. Go to sleep."

Spock kissed his lover on the forehead. "Good night, t'hy'la."

Kirk was already asleep.

 

^^^^^

The cool morning breeze wafted through the open window, setting the thin curtains adrift. Spock lay on his side and watched the lazy dance through the filtered light of early dawn. He felt almost decadent, ensconced in this wide bed, the cool human in his arms stirring his body to life. He looked down at Kirk's face a few inches from his own. His lover was still asleep.

Slowly pulling his arm from beneath Kirk's head, Spock came up on an elbow to gaze his fill of the golden-hued body. The covers on Kirk's side were bunched up at the bottom of the bed, as his bondmate habitually kicked them off during the night.

Spock leaned over and gently began to lick an exposed nipple. The bud hardened under his tender ministrations and he heard the human give a low moan as a hand settled on his neck.

"Hmm, that feels good." Kirk arched into it, pushing his chest against Spock's mouth.

Without breaking contact, Spock slid his tongue down his lover's chest to the flat abdomen. He twirled it around the navel, eliciting a chuckle.

"That tickles."

Spock brought his head up to look into the laughter-filled eyes of his bondmate. "Perhaps I should devote some study to this so-sensitive area."

"Oh, no, Science Officer. I think your time would be better spent studying another sensitive area." Kirk lifted his hips slightly . His organ was fully erect.

Spock returned his attentions to Kirk's body. "Perhaps you are correct."

A soft hiss escaped Kirk's lips when Spock's mouth encased his hardened cock. Soon the moans from his lover drowned out the sounds of Spock sucking the human's rigid shaft, his head slowly rising and falling over Kirk's groin.

Kirk's eyes were half shut as he surrendered to his lover's touch. Spock's hands were all over the human, pinching the taut nipples and fondling the tightly drawn testicles as his mouth continued its assault.

"I'm going to come," Kirk gasped between heaving breaths.

Suddenly the sensation was gone, and Kirk's eyes opened fully in bewilderment.

Spock had come up to kneel at the human's side. With a quick motion, he straddled Kirk's body and, ever so slowly, lowered himself onto the slick organ. His body opened to the heavy cock filling him.

"Oh, god, Spock." Kirk threw his head back and arched up to bury himself all the way. Spock pushed down to meet the impaling shaft. Leaning forward, he wrapped his arms around his lover, pulling Kirk's chest up against his own.

They rocked gently together at first, enjoying the luxury of their slow lovemaking. Spock could feel each drive of his bondmate's cock into his anus, could feel the tip slide over his prostate as the human's hips pushed up to bury himself again and again. Gradually, the rhythm of their bodies quickened.

Spock closed his eyes, reveling in the stimulation. Each time they moved together he could feel his penis slide along his lover's body. Each time they pulled away, the human's organ sparked sensation in his orifice. Their groins pistoned together and the sounds of their lovemaking filled the room: the slap of flesh on flesh, the deep moans and half-whispered words, the slight creaks of protest from the antique bed. Finally, Spock felt his world explode. He stiffened and his semen surged out between them, coating both their bodies with its heat. A moment later, he heard his lover cry out and felt his rectum fill with Kirk's release.

They lay entwined for a time as each fought to gather breath. Finally, Spock gingerly rose and felt his lover's cock slip from his body. He fell to Kirk's side and looked over at his smiling lover.

"You do that very well," Kirk said with a grin.

"It is my wish to always please you."

Kirk sobered. "You always do, love."

"Always, Jim?" Spock didn't know why his mind picked this moment to voice that particular concern. But it was one he'd had from time to time over the years. Jim had given up so much for him.

The human studied him a moment and then rolled over to bring them face to face. He leaned close and kissed Spock on the mouth. It was a closed mouth kiss, but Spock could not miss the tenderness and love behind it. Kirk pulled back, and when he spoke his voice was thick with emotion. "Always."

 

^^^^^

Kirk sat on his horse and, using the sleeve of his shirt, wiped the sweat from his brow. He and Spock hadn't gotten quite the early start they had counted on, so noon had come and gone and they were still not done with the tour Kirk had planned. There was a lot to see, special places that he didn't want Spock to miss out on.

You've got a month, moron, he silently chided himself. But Spock seemed to be really enjoying himself as they rode through the fields and shady orchards of Kirk's boyhood home. Kirk didn't want the day to end. After their early morning romp, both shower and breakfast had been on the run. He'd barely said good morning to his mother before they left.

His mother. Kirk grimaced. He knew their talk was long overdue. And he felt a prick of guilt as he remembered her look of disappointment as he had rushed Spock out the door. But what had she expected when what she felt about them was so obvious?

She'd never come right out and said it, but he knew she disapproved. Well, maybe not disapproved exactly, but she'd made it clear that she would have preferred a daughter-in-law. She wasn't homophobic. That he knew. But her reservations were far stronger than Amanda's had ever been. Maybe that's why he had never made the time to come home.

He'd tried to make her understand in the letters traded back and forth between them. But somehow he'd never found the right words, the ones that would have finally made her see all that Spock meant to him. But her world was an Iowan farm, where you bragged about your grandchildren with your neighbors, and people from another planet were something you heard about in the news, not someone your son took up with.

"Jim?"

Kirk came out of his idling to find Spock looking at him curiously. "What? What's wrong?"

"That is what I was about to ask you. I have inquired twice if you wish to return to the house. You have ignored me."

"I'm sorry," he answered ruefully. "I was just thinking about my mother."

"The talk you plan to have with her."

"Yeah." Kirk pulled at the reins and started his horse down a side path. "There's a shortcut through here."

Trees lined the shaded path and Spock followed behind him until the trail opened up and they could ride side-by-side. "I will need to meditate before your guests arrive. Perhaps that will give you the opportunity you need to speak with her."

"Probably." Kirk frowned. "I wish she hadn't planned this thing tonight."

"Why? Do you believe her objections to our relationship so severe that others will perceive them?"

"No, Mom would never do that." He rubbed his neck. "I'd have preferred that she get comfortable with you first. Get all this worked out before throwing other people into the mix."

"Jim," Spock spoke hesitantly. "She may never be comfortable with me. It has been my experience that many people never are."

"That's because they don't take the time to get to know you. If they did, you'd be beating them off with a stick."

Spock lifted an eyebrow. "Your opinion is, of course, totally unbiased."

Kirk laughed, and the conversation turned to other things. But once they reached the house and Spock went upstairs to meditate, all the humor went out of the situation as Kirk found himself alone with his mother. They had chosen to sit out on the patio. A pitcher of lemonade and two glasses were placed on the table between them. Winona had served them both, and Kirk sat nervously nursing the tart beverage.

"So, are you going to see Spock's parents when you leave here?" Her words broke the silence between them.

"Yeah. We'll be spending a month or so there."

"Do you know them very well?"

He shrugged. "Pretty well. Ambassador Sarek and his wife have been guests aboard the Enterprise. And we visited a few times when the ship was in the vicinity."

"I see." She bit her lip. "Do his parents like you?"

Kirk looked at her in surprise. "I…I suppose they do. Why did you ask that?"

"Well, it seems you've spent quite a bit of time with them. But you've never brought him here before. Why is that, Jim?"

"Would you have wanted me to?"

She looked down and studied her hands in her lap. "I don't really know."

"Why, Mom? What is it about me and Spock that you don't like? Is it because he's a male…or because he's an alien?"

She shook her head. "I don't know what it is. I just know it isn't what I wanted for you."

"I'm happy. Really happy. What else would you want for me?"

"It isn't so much what I want, not really. But I think you're rushing into this."

"Rushing into what?"

She shrugged, obviously uncomfortable. "This…thing between you and your first officer."

"Spock. His name is Spock," he snapped, angrily. "And I don't consider five years rushing into anything."

"All right. Spock." Her gaze hardened. "But you've only been with him in an artificial situation. Things may not work out quite the same once you're away from the ship. Would it hurt so much for the two of you to give each other breathing space? Spend time away from each other?"

"That's crazy. Mom, I know Spock better than I've ever known anyone. You'll never convince me that there's any reason for us to go our separate ways…even for a little while."

"Can't you at least think about it?" She looked pleadingly at him. "Is that asking so much? I never stood in your way, Jim. As much as I didn't want you in Starfleet, I never tried to stop you. Maybe because I knew it wouldn't do any good. But I tried to understand. You're so much like your father it's almost frightening. I don't want you to end up…." She covered her mouth for a moment, trying to regain control of herself. Finally she straightened her shoulders and continued. "Your father was all alone when he died."

"Is that what's worrying you? That my being with Spock is somehow going to mean that I'll die in space somewhere…alone?" he asked, incredulously.

"Jim, I don't know." She lowered her head. "Maybe I'm worrying needlessly. I lost your brother, and he was supposedly safe on a settled colony. But you're all I have left—"

"That's not true. You have the boys."

She waved her hand at him. "No, no, I don't. Aurelan's parents have them on some godforsaken outpost."

"I know. I hear from them from time to time. I know it’s hard getting transportation to some of the colonies. Not too many ships make the run. I'm sorry, Mom. I'd help if I could, but I can't."

"I don't expect you to. But you can stay on Earth for a while, can't you? Try to live a normal life? If you weren't tied to Spock, you—"

"No," he responded firmly. "No, I can't. That just isn't me, Mom. I know you see Spock as the problem, but he's not. Even if I weren't with him, I still wouldn't stay. And really, it's best this way. Because you're right. I am a lot like Dad was. But I don't want to put a woman through what he put you through. With Spock, I have the best of both worlds, everything I want. Everything I need. He's there with me because he wants the same thing I do. A life out there." He motioned toward the sky.

"That's crazy. What kind of life is that?"

He sighed, knowing then that they would never agree on this, never understand each other. It made him sad. "It's the only kind I can live, and still be alive."

She nodded and reached for her glass, silently taking a sip. She didn't speak again, and Kirk was relieved when he heard Spock's footsteps on the squeaky step at the foot of the stairs. He got up, suddenly awkward with his own mother. "I think I'll take Spock into town, give him a tour. We'll be back before the guests arrive." When she didn't answer him, he hesitantly leaned down and kissed her cheek. "We'll see you later."

He walked inside and motioned Spock to the door. "Come on. We're going into town."

"Now?" Spock looked at him in surprise.

"Yeah," Kirk said grimly. "Now."

Spock regarded him for a moment and then nodded. Without a word he followed his captain out.

 

^^^^^

They returned just as the guests were beginning to arrive. The first was a neighbor from down the way, bringing a cake to welcome home the conquering hero, the local boy who'd made good. In twos and threes, they arrived with gifts and well wishes.

Soon the yard was filled with Kirk's friends and neighbors talking and laughing under the tall trees that fronted the house. Tables and chairs were positioned haphazardly about, and twinkling lights were garlanded from tree branch to tree branch.

Kirk's mother remained distantly silent. She spoke only when necessary, and more than once Spock looked up and caught her watching him. His captain apparently did also, because he approached her and the two became locked in an intense conversation. When they parted, the woman disappeared into the house for a time.

As the evening wore on, Spock began to notice a pattern. From his perch on the porch railing, he had a clear view of everyone's reaction to his bondmate as Kirk made his way through the crowd. Underneath the usual words of congratulations wove a proprietary thread.

His captain belonged to these people, or so they believed. They saw themselves reflected in his glory. Spock wondered if by binding himself to an "out-worlder," Kirk was throwing their shared history back in their faces and inadvertently proclaiming them "not good enough." If this was so, Spock was not unaware of the irony of the situation. By binding himself to Kirk, he had been accused of the exact same thing.

"Having a good time?" Kirk walked up the porch stairs to stand next to him.

Spock nodded. "They are very proud of you."

Kirk leaned against the porch railing. He folded his arms against his chest and slightly frowned. "I didn't ask them to be proud of me."

"Jim?" Spock was taken aback by the bitterness in Kirk's voice.

His captain shook his head. "I'm sorry. It's just…I feel like a fish out of water with these people."

"I am surprised at your reaction. You are one of the most self-assured persons I have ever known. I fail to understand why you are being affected in this way."

"Spock, how many of them have spoken to you?"

Spock was caught off guard by the non sequitur. "Is there a relevance to this question?"

Kirk ignored the question. "Three. Out of, what, thirty-five, forty people? There's no reason for that kind of behavior."

"Yes, there is. You cannot expect them to react as you would. You are not like…" The wide smile on Kirk's face brought a flush to Spock's as he realized the trap his lover had neatly set for him. He schooled his features, yet managed to display his annoyance. "I concede that there is a vast difference in the level of your expertise in dealing with alien cultures as opposed to theirs. But that is not to say that you are no longer a part of their world."

Kirk straightened and came over to his lover. He laid his hand on Spock's arm. "I just want to go home."

"You miss the ship."

"You're damn right I do. But that has nothing to do with what I'm feeling right now. Earth isn't home, you are. And neither of us belongs here. Not anymore."

"Are you saying you wish to leave?"

"No, we'll stay out the month. But I've made up my mind, Spock. I'm not going to let anyone con us into doing something we don't want to do. Not my mom, not Nogura. Before we leave for Vulcan, we're going to know exactly where our future lies."

Spock smiled and brought his hand up to gently stroke the side of Kirk's face. He didn't care who saw. "The strength of your will was one of the first things that drew me to you. I never doubted that this would be your decision."

Kirk grinned. "Once we settle things with Nogura, the rest will be smooth sailing." He grabbed the caressing hand and pulled Spock toward the stairs and off the porch. "Come on. This is supposed to be a party. Let's at least try to enjoy ourselves."

 

^^^^^

They didn't notice the storm until the first rumbling of thunder drew their attention. The light breeze that heralded its approach had been welcomed after the warmth of the day. But now the clouds were rapidly building and Kirk knew they were in for a big one. He wound his way through the guests looking for his mother. He had left Spock in the capable hands of Jake Edwards, the local vet. The man was almost as insatiably curious as Spock, and the two were in the middle of a discussion that had left Kirk totally at sea . He glanced at the sky when he caught the flash of lightning out of the corner of his eye.

Kirk found his mother in the kitchen. She was taking more food out to restock empty platters. "You might think about putting that away. There's a storm coming."

She looked up in dismay. But Kirk could tell she had already been upset. Her eyes were slightly reddened and there was a tightness around her mouth. "What's wrong?"

She put the container she had been struggling with down and tried to push past him. "Nothing. I'll go tell our guests."

"Wait a minute." He grabbed her arm to stop her flight. "Tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing. It's just…." She bit her lower lip to keep it from trembling.

"Mom? What is it?" Kirk approached her and took her in his arms.

She hesitantly brought her arms around him. "Everything is going wrong. I wanted you to really enjoy your stay. But all we've done is argue, and now the party is ruined—"

"Hey." He lifted her chin. "Nothing's ruined. We'll just bring the party inside, that's all. And as for arguing…it'll be fine. I promise you."

"Jim, I want you to be happy. You know that, don't you?"

Kirk smiled and kissed his mother's forehead. "I know that, Mom." He drew away and wrapped an arm over her shoulders, leading her outside. "Come on. Let's get everyone inside."

Several people were already gathering up their things when they walked out the door. While his mother directed their guests in, Kirk looked around for his lover.

 

^^^^^

"I really have to thank you for letting me pick your brain, Mr. Spock. It's not often that I get the opportunity to discuss anything with a fellow scientist," Jack Edwards said enthusiastically.

"It was my pleasure, Dr. Edwards. But though I am fascinated with the work being done in the field of genetic manipulation, it is not my specialty."

"Could have fooled me. You know more about the latest research in animal husbandry than any four of my colleagues combined."

The two men walked slowly back to the gathering. They had taken advantage of the quiet and calm the barn offered to further their discussion. But the wind that had started to gust through the building had sent them on their way.

The doctor studied the sky. "It looks like we're in for a rough ride. That's too bad. It's going to spoil Winona's party. She really worked hard to set everything up."

"Do you know her well, Doctor?"

Dr. Edwards nodded. "Yeah. I've spent many a day and night here, caring for one of her sick animals. Nothing's too good for them as far as she's concerned. She's a remarkable woman." He looked at Spock. "You two getting along?" There was a note of more than idle curiosity in his voice.

Spock hesitated slightly. "She is, as you say, a remarkable woman."

"But you don't get along—no, you don't have to answer that. I already know what you'll say." The older man sighed. "Winona has so much invested in that son of hers. She's had a hard time accepting, well, the way he is with…." The doctor's voice quieted.

"I assume you mean his…relationship with me," Spock responded stiffly. "I was not aware it was common knowledge."

"Oh, no, it's not. But Winona's needed someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on. I'm not saying she's right, but it really bothers her. She wants her son back, and you're in the way far as she can see. It's nothing personal against you."

"I am aware of her difficulties. But she must realize that her son would never be content on Earth. It is not his way."

"I've tried to tell her that. Hasn't done much good." The human wiped his face and scanned the sky. “We'd better hurry. They're going to need help getting everything put away."

The two men rejoined the party just as the first drops of rain began to fall. Spock was gathering the chairs and piling them on the front porch when he saw Kirk approaching.

Kirk came up on the porch. "We're moving inside."

"I assumed so." Spock surveyed the sky. "It is intensifying rapidly."

"Storms have a tendency to do that this time of year." Kirk turned to go. "I'm going to help my mom get the rest of the food inside, then I'm going in. Don't stay out here too long."

"I need only finish stacking these remaining chairs. I will be in shortly." He returned to his work, but his attention was drawn back to the sky when it suddenly blazed with light. Seconds later, the sound of thunder rolled across. Spock frowned. The lightning was only a few miles away.

He finished his task and entered the house. The front room was filled with people. Some sat with plates on their laps, talking loudly between bites of food. Others milled about the too small house and complained about being forced indoors. Spock gradually made his way through. He passed the entry to the parlor and scanned the room. More people crowded the area, but there was no sign of Kirk.

The kitchen, by comparison, was relatively empty. A handful of women were helping Winona Kirk set out trays of food in the narrow room. The back door was open, and the sound of rain accompanied their soft chatter. Spock approached Jim's mother. "Do you know where Jim is, Mrs. Kirk?"

She startled at his nearness, but her demeanor towards him had changed slightly. She seemed less ill at ease in his presence. "He'll be right back."

Spock blinked in surprise. Back from where? But he was reluctant to ask the woman for more information. He did not wish to inadvertently antagonize her again. Another clap of thunder dimmed the lights. For no reason he could ascertain, Spock suddenly felt uneasy. It gave him the impetus to push for answers. "Where did he go?"

"Mrs. Hatcher left her purse on one of the tables. Jim went to get it."

"Jim is outside?" Spock asked in alarm.

"He won't be long. The table isn't that far away—"

Spock reacted instantly. He turned and hurried to the back door. He almost made it. But then the windows of the house filled with an unearthly glow as lightning crackled across the sky and the roar of thunder drowned out all sound. Spock felt a strange sensation in his mind, like a balloon popping. And then his world went black.

 

^^^^^

"Spock? Come on, Spock boy, open your eyes."

Spock could hear the words being said to him, but they seemed to be coming from far away, from a place where sound still existed. In his head, there was only silence. The gentle melody that had floated between his mind and Jim's was gone. He slowly opened his eyes. Above him, Dr. McCoy regarded him with ill-concealed worry.

"How are you feeling?"

Spock stilled and inventoried his life signs. As far as he could tell, he was undamaged. Yet he felt…strange. Was that why he was in sickbay? And the reason for the deadly quiet that filled his mind? Fear made him sit up as memory returned. "Jim! Where is Jim?"

"Just lie back down. You're not going anywhere." McCoy pushed Spock onto the bed.

Spock lay back with a groan and the room stopped spinning. He saw now that he wasn't on the ship. "Doctor, where am I? And where is Jim?"

"You're in the Des Moines medical center. Jim's in the next room. Now lie still while I finish checking you out." McCoy slowly passed his medical scanner over Spock's body as if unwilling to believe the readout that played on the screen at the head of the bed.

"Is he…all right?"

"He's alive, if that's what you're asking. And looking to stay that way." The doctor's eyes shifted away, though he continued to poke and prod at Spock.

"But there is something wrong with him, is there not?"

"Yeah," McCoy wearily answered. "Why can't that man stay out of trouble even while on leave?"

"What has happened?"

"Lightning. That's what happened."

Spock frowned. "I do not understand."

"What's there to understand?" McCoy angrily asked. "He was struck by lightning. A plain, old-fashioned, one hundred million volt shock to the body."

Spock closed his eyes for a moment. No wonder the bond was mute. It was a wonder it still existed at all. "Will he be…will he recover?"

"I don't know. It's too soon to tell. That's the problem with this kind of injury. He doesn't have much physical damage, thank god. But it's difficult to tell what kind of damage his brain may have sustained." The doctor turned off his scanner. "But it looks like you're all right. I'm not sure why you passed out, though I imagine being connected to Jim the way you are you must have felt something."

"Yes, it felt as if my mind…imploded."

"I can imagine, or maybe I can't," McCoy noted ruefully. "In any event, your readings are all within the norm…for you. A good night's rest should do wonders."

"When may I see Jim?"

"They're running some tests on him right now. Maybe when they're done. But, Spock," McCoy hesitated, "there's some things you need to know first. He's…he's not quite himself right now."

Spock was having a hard time controlling as it was. McCoy's reticence was only making things worse. "McCoy, would you please just tell me what is wrong with Jim?"

"That's what I'm telling you, Spock. We don't know. Signs of neural damage don't always develop right away. It could take hours, maybe days, before we'll know. But he was conscious when they brought him in."

"Did he have them call you?"

"No, not that I'm aware of, anyway. Apparently, he'd told his mom as soon as he knew you'd be staying there that if anything happened to either one of you, to call me. I take it you don't remember much."

Spock shook his head. "No. I remember being told that he was outside. I was going to him." His eyes narrowed in concentration. "Then nothing."

"That jives with what I've been told. Seems you keeled over like a felled tree. They didn't know Jim was hurt until they tried to find him because of you."

"You said he is 'not quite himself.'"

"He's starting to show signs of confusion. Not a lot, but it's there. It's one of the most common aftereffects. The only physical injuries he has are some feathering burns on his face and hands. It's caused by the electron shower induced by the lightning."

"I am aware of the physical properties of electrical discharge, Doctor."

"There's no need to get smart, Spock. I'm just trying to tell you what's going on."

Spock was instantly contrite. It wasn't McCoy's fault. "You are correct. My response was totally uncalled for. Please accept my apology."

The doctor smiled wanly. "That's all right. I know you're worried about him."

"It is not just that. Somehow, the bond has been affected. It is getting difficult to control my responses."

"Why didn't you say something right away? Damn it, Spock. I need to know these things."

Spock tried to school his features but knew he wasn't entirely successful. "I am confident the bond is still there. But it is…blocked. As if there was something in the way."

"Do you think Jim's doing it?"

"I do not know why he would. Nor do I believe he has the mental capability to do so. Nevertheless, I find that the obstruction is interfering with my ability to concentrate. And the energy I must expend to keep my own mind from reaching out to his is considerable."

"Why would you do that? Keep your mind from Jim's?"

"I do not know what the contact would do, to him or myself. The bond needs to be examined by a healer before I will feel confident enough to instigate a meld."

McCoy frowned and rubbed his chin. "Not before you get some rest. You can wait until the morning to see Jim. Some of the tests will be in by then. We'll have a better picture of what we're up against. Maybe they'll even be able to tell us if it's okay for you to touch his mind."

Spock nodded and settled into the bed. He was tired. And he knew from the look on the doctor's face that he had lost any chance of seeing his lover tonight.

McCoy walked to the door and turned off the lights. "Try to get some sleep."

They both knew that would be almost impossible. "Goodnight, Doctor."

McCoy sighed and shook his head. "Goodnight, Spock."

 

^^^^^

Kirk stared at the door, waiting for the next doctor or nurse to come in and start poking and prodding. It had been that way all night. And all morning he'd had a headache. A real beaut, even for him. Probably from lack of sleep. And where the hell was Spock?

He rubbed his forehead, trying to make the pain go away. He felt nauseous. And between that and the constant ringing in his ears, it was was getting harder to think.

Why was he here? And where was here? They hadn't told him much, not that he could remember, anyway. Something about a storm? He remembered being outside, the sudden tingling that had coursed through his body…and then waking up, his mother and several of their guests huddled around him. He remembered them leading him into the house, but then things started getting fuzzy. He thought Spock had been there, but he couldn't recall the Vulcan saying anything to him, which was odd in itself. For Spock not to stay at his side when Kirk was injured was unheard of. Had Spock been hurt?

Kirk threw aside the covers and was getting off the bed when the door opened and McCoy walked in. Kirk gave a sigh of relief when he saw Spock come in right behind the doctor. His headache seemed suddenly less intense. "Where have you been? And what the hell am I doing in here?"

McCoy approached him, chart in hand. "You're here because you don't have the sense to come in out of the rain."

"Give me that again?" Kirk glanced from one man to the other. They both looked uncomfortable.

"Lie back. I need to check you out."

He reluctantly slid back on the bed and let the doctor run his scans. The panel above him seemed to give his normal readouts. Didn't it? Kirk's patience quickly gave out. "Well? What's wrong with me?"

"What do you remember, Jim?"

"My mom's house. The party. Waking up outside. That's about it. I don't remember how I got here."

McCoy nodded. "Sounds about right. You've had an electric shock. Lightning, to be exact. You were hit by lightning."

Kirk tried to take it all in, but he was having trouble understanding exactly what McCoy was saying. He responded as well as he could. "I feel okay. A…a headache."

"So far, you check out with little damage. Your skin." McCoy motioned to Kirk's arms. "But that should clear up in no time."

"So why are you keeping me?" He looked at his lover. "Spock?"

"They wish to run more tests, to be satisfied that you are truly all right." Spock approached the opposite side of the bed. "It will only be for a few days, Jim."

Kirk frowned. He didn't like being here. But he didn't feel as well as he'd let on. He felt himself sliding down, lying back down almost against his will. "All right. But then I want out of here."

The two men looked at each other in alarm but said nothing. Kirk was asleep when they let themselves out.

"Over here, Spock." McCoy led him into a small office. "Dr. Stuart, the head of ER, let me use his office." He motioned Spock to the chair across from him as he took a seat at the desk.

"Will he be all right, Doctor?" Kirk's behavior had been most atypical.

McCoy shook his head. "I really don't know, Spock." He picked up a stylus and started fidgeting with it, but put it down when he noticed what he was doing. "Here's a good analogy that's right up your alley. If an electric shock was sent through a computer, the outside would look okay. And if you opened it up, the insides would probably look okay, too. They wouldn't be fused or melted. Just like the scans we've run on Jim don't show any damage. But when you turned the computer on, it would have difficulty accessing files, making calculations. Chances are, Jim's going to have the same difficulty."

"His confusion."

"And the headache, and the way he fell asleep. Unfortunately, there's no set rules for any of this. He could have a myriad of symptoms, ranging from mild to totally disabling."

"How long will it take for him to recover?"

"We don't know that either. It could be a matter of weeks…or years."

"Years? McCoy, he cannot—"

McCoy waved his hand. "I'm not saying it will be that long, Spock. Only that it could be. We'll be keeping him here for a few days for observation and to run more tests. The one we're really interested in is the neurocognitive or neuropsychological testing. It's a six to eight hour battery of tests designed to determine how much damage there is to memory, IQ, organizational abilities, that sort of thing. But because of the rapid rise and decay of lightning energy, it's going to be almost impossible to predict what injuries he's sustained."

"I see," Spock answered absently, already trying to digest the radical change in their lives. "Perhaps a Vulcan healer would be…." He faltered when McCoy shook his head.

"There's another problem." The doctor grimaced. "Jim's mother. Since your relationship with Jim has never been legalized, she's taken control of his treatment."

"McCoy, he needs to be seen by a healer. The bond is aberrant. And perhaps more can be done for him on Vulcan in regard to his other injuries."

"Don't you think I know that? But the woman is adamant. He's staying here. She didn't even want me to take him to a Starfleet facility. Unfortunately, the doctors here agree with her. To the point that they've decided your touching his mind isn't such a great idea."

"Why? What do they believe would happen?"

The doctor shrugged. "They don't know. And what they don't know, they're afraid of. Personally, I don't agree. But I'm only being allowed to treat him because I promised to get her okay before I tried anything, including you melding with him. Do you think it could harm him?"

Spock thought a moment. "As I relayed to you last night, I am not sure. There is nothing with which to form a hypothesis. This morning I scanned all the information available on high-voltage injury, specifically from lightning strikes. I was surprised at the paucity of recent data. Research is relatively scant and subject to a number of shortcomings."

"That's because it hardly ever happens anymore. It's kind of ironic, considering Jim's background. At one time farmers were the most likely victims. Later, it was usually recreation-related. But with so much of agricultural work done by machines and outdoor sports moved indoors…."

"There are no case studies available," Spock finished for him.

"That's right. So it sounds like you're in the same boat we are. Which is that there's not a whole hell of a lot to go on."

"If I were convinced of its safety, do you believe Mrs. Kirk could be persuaded to allow me to meld with him?"

"I doubt it. For some reason she sees you as a threat. To the extent that she's planning on taking him back to the farm as soon as he's released."

"How is this possible? Does Jim not have a say in this? Surely he does not wish to return there."

"She's got power of attorney. I warned you two about getting your situation down on paper. He's not considered capable of making decisions right now…which is true. He's not. So she's making them for him. I tried arguing with her, but it didn't do any good. She wants her son back home."

"Where is she?"

"Last I saw, in the main waiting room."

Spock stood up and started for the door.

McCoy jumped up and grabbed Spock's arm. "Wait a minute! What are you going to tell her?"

"That it is imperative that I accompany her and Jim when she takes him back to the farm."

"She's not going to be easy to convince. She's doesn't want you around, Spock."

"I do not care what she does or does not want. I will not abandon him, McCoy. Nor will allow her to isolate him. Whether she understands it or not, we belong together."

"You want some help? Maybe between the two of us we can convince her."

"No, Doctor. I will handle this alone." Spock opened the door and walked out, set for battle. This was one fight he could not afford to lose.

 

^^^^^

"Let me help you out, Son." Winona Kirk held the door of the vehicle open and reached in.

"I can get out on my own." What did she think he was? An invalid? Kirk stepped out of the 'car and held on to its side as a wave of dizziness washed over him. He shook his head to try to clear it, and then started toward the house. He turned and smiled when suddenly Spock was at his side.

"She was only trying to be helpful, Jim."

"I don't need help. Not from her…or you," he reminded the Vulcan. They'd already argued about Spock's constant solicitude.

They entered the house, his mother not far behind them. Spock took the small valise upstairs to the room, leaving Kirk to deal with his mother. They'd argued about that, too. The woman had seated herself on the couch in the front room, so Kirk walked over and took the chair next to her.

"I'm sorry I snapped at you. But I wish you'd quit…hovering."

Winona seemed to study him before responding. "Jim, I know you think you're all right. But the doctors said you need to be taken care of. I'm only trying to follow their advice."

"They're wrong, Mom. I'm okay now. Really I am. I just need a few days of rest, that's all."

"Then why were you so insistent on Spock coming back with you?"

He looked at her in surprise. "Of course he'd come back with me. We're together."

"You don't think that maybe it'd be better if he went back to San Francisco? Give you some breathing room?"

"What are you talking about?" He jumped up and began pacing nervously. "Spock goes where I do. That's the way it's always been."

She watched him, a concerned look on her face. "But you need rest. A break from all that…"she waved into the air “…that military stuff. You're home now."

Kirk stopped his pacing and faced her. "This isn't home."

"Yes, it is. It's always been your home."

"No." He rubbed his forehead, the headache that rarely went away pounding into life. "This isn't home."

"Jim?" Spock had returned from upstairs and approached his captain.

Kirk grabbed his arm. "Tell her this isn't home, Spock," he demanded.

"Jim, it is all right. She was speaking of the past, your childhood. This was your home.”

"That's right. I knew this wasn't my home." He walked back to the chair and sat down heavily, burying his face in his hands. "I knew it."

Spock followed Kirk to the chair and knelt next to it. "Are you tired, t'hy'la?"

Kirk hesitated, but then brought his head up. "Yes, and my head's killing me."

"Let me accompany you to our room." He helped Kirk stand and led him up the stairs. It was only midday, but Kirk's steps were unsteady by the time they entered the bedroom.

Spock pulled down the blankets while Kirk undressed. The human's movements were slow and he looked ready to drop. By the time Kirk crawled into bed, his eyes were already half closed. After making sure he was truly asleep, Spock turned off the light and returned downstairs, leaving the door open in case he was needed.

"This is his home, whether he's ready to admit it or not." Winona was still sitting where they had left her. Spock walked over and took the seat his lover had vacated.

"Why are you insisting on this? By demanding that he acknowledge this as his home you are only adding to his apprehension."

"His ship? Is that where he thinks his home is?" Her words were laced with bitterness. "He doesn't have his ship anymore. And I really doubt they're going to give him one now."

Spock gazed out the nearby window. He could just make out the area of blasted earth where Kirk had sustained his injury. "No, the ship is not home. Not anymore, as you have so succinctly noted." He turned to look at her. "But you are also aware that he does not consider Earth home, either."

"Vulcan? Is Vulcan home now?"

He almost smiled at that. He shook his head instead. "No, Vulcan is not home. We are home to each other. What planet we inhabit makes little difference."

It was her turn to look away. "It's not right, what you two have together. Jim was never like that before, not until he met you. I don't understand what you've done to him."

"I have done nothing, except, perhaps, to fill in him the same need he fills in me. Please, Mrs. Kirk. Do not fight us in this. You will lose."

"Maybe we'll both lose this one." She looked back at him. "He's not the same man you knew. We both know that. And he's getting worse."

"We do not know how badly he will ultimately be affected by the accident. Nevertheless, he is still my bondmate. That will not change."

"You can't hold him just because he's not well."

Spock frowned. "I do not understand what you are implying with your statement."

"Yes, you do. You know exactly what I mean. Jim has always been something of a free spirit. You won't be able to make him stay with you just because he's not quite himself right now."

Spock's eyebrows shot up in astonishment. "You believe that I would attempt to bind him to me out of misplaced gratitude?"

"Yes, because you need him, but he doesn't need you," she said, dropping each word like a stone into a still pond, uncaring of its effect.

They stared at each other, locked in a silent battle. Finally, she shook her head and stood. She brushed past him and started for the kitchen. "I'll get lunch." She stopped at the foot of the stairs a moment and looked up. "He might even wake up sometime today."

Spock sat alone and wondered just how true her statement had been. His lover was quickly changing from the strong, decisive captain to a confused, angry man. It frightened Spock more than he'd admit. His own growing need frightened him even more.

 

^^^^^

"Jim? Are you in here?" Spock entered the darkened barn. Light streamed in between the slats of wood that comprised the structure, but it wasn't enough to illuminate all the hidden corners. "Jim?"

Spock knew his lover was in here. It was Kirk's retreat from the growing pressures that confounded him. McCoy had warned Spock of the gradual emergence of psychological symptoms that Kirk would probably experience. But their reality had disturbed Spock to a degree he would not have thought possible.

"Over here."

The quiet words drew Spock to the back stall. Kirk stood inside, grooming one of the riding horses that were kept corralled next to the barn.

"He appears to enjoy the attention," Spock noted.

Kirk smiled. "I think it calms him."

The animal softly nickered and Kirk laughed. "Don't you…?"

Spock watched as a frown appeared on his lover's face. "What is it?"

"I can't remember his name."

"It will come."

"No." Kirk stopped his brushing and leaned against the horse, his head pillowed against his crossed arms. "It's getting worse. I don't remember things…people."

"Jim, we were told this might happen. But McCoy is almost certain it will be a temporary condition."

Kirk looked up, anger warring with despair. "'Almost certain' isn't good enough, Spock. I can't…function like this."

"You must give it time. You expect too much of yourself."

"I don't have time! Don't you see? We can't stay here!"

"Why?"

"Because," Kirk stammered for words, "something will happen. Something…bad. I know it will."

"How do you know this?" Spock asked, alarmed.

"A…a hunch. I don't know. We're not safe here. We're…." Kirk shook his head in frustration and tossed the brush into a large sack hanging from the wall. With angry motions he exited the stall and, without another word to Spock, headed outside.

"Jim, wait." Spock started after him.

They walked in step toward the house, a new kind of silence between them. Finally Kirk glanced over. "What did you want, anyway?"

Spock frowned at the sudden change of subject but decided not to press Kirk for answers he obviously did not have. "I was concerned when you did not appear for dinner."

"I don't…don't need to be watched like a…like a…." Kirk clenched his fists in anger.

"I do not think of you as a child."

"Don't! Don't…finish for me!" Kirk raged.

"We have always been thus," Spock quietly replied. "There is no need for words between us, t'hy'la."

Kirk laughed humorlessly. "There will be."

By the time they reached the house, Kirk had fallen even deeper into depression. Dinner was eaten in silence, and Spock would have actually looked forward to bedtime if that, too, had not become a battlefield.

 

^^^^^

They lay in the large bed, the place of their last coming together when their minds and bodies could still meet and become one. The darkness of predawn perfectly matched Spock's mood. It had been two weeks since Kirk's release from the hospital. But for Spock, it felt more like an eternity.

The human in his arms squirmed and readjusted himself closer against Spock's side. Sleep was about the only time now that Kirk would allow such closeness. He had been slowly isolating himself as his symptoms had escalated and his anger and confusion had grown.

Kirk couldn't understand why he became fatigued so easily. McCoy had tried to explain it to his recalcitrant patient. But Kirk refused to believe that the tasks he used to do without thinking now required intense concentration to accomplish, exhausting him after only a few hours. But Spock was inclined to think it had more to do with the human's sleep patterns. They had changed from an almost constant slumber to snatches of rest only two or three hours in length. The irritability had grown in tandem. Spock had never seen his captain so volatile. As for lovemaking, Kirk just wasn't interested.

Spock shifted away from his lover. As much as he yearned for Kirk's touch, he feared it as well. The bond was still silent, yet it seemed to be trying to draw them together, demanding completion. It was becoming harder and harder to resist. After Spock caught himself unconsciously reaching for Kirk's mind as they slept, he had taken to falling into a light meditation rather than a true sleep whenever they shared a bed.

He heard footsteps outside the door. The sound of Kirk's mother walking by their room had become Spock's signal that it was time to get up. The woman still fought their being together, especially their sharing a room. He didn't want to do anything to further antagonize her, so he slid out from the under the covers without disturbing Kirk and quickly dressed.

Spock checked on his lover before leaving the room and found the human still fast asleep. With any luck, he would remain so for at least another hour or two. Spock quietly closed the door and proceeded down the darkened stairway. Sunrise was still fifteen minutes away.

"Good morning, Mrs. Kirk," Spock greeted the woman as he entered the kitchen. The familiarity of the use of her first name had never come easily to him. She didn't encourage its use now.

"Mr. Spock." She nodded from her chair at the kitchen table. "Is Jim still asleep?"

"For the moment, yes." He walked over to the stove and began preparing some tea. "He had a restless night, however."

"I thought I heard you both. Maybe I should stay with him tonight."

"That will not be necessary." He approached the table with his cup and sat down. "He will not allow it in any event."

It was another point of contention between them. However much Jim might pull away from him, he refused to let him go. The one time she had suggested they sleep in separate rooms, Kirk's anger had flared into an inferno. It had never been brought up again.

She scowled at his reply, and the silence grew as both sat, uncomfortable in each other's presence. She sipped her coffee and watched him over the rim of the cup.

"Is there something you wish to ask?" he inquired.

She set her cup down, fidgeting nervously. "Do you know how long you plan to stay?"

"As long as he does."

"That could be years, you know. Are you going to be satisfied staying on a farm all that time?"

"Mrs. Kirk, we have already discussed this. I realize you do not acknowledge the state of affairs between myself and your son." He noticed her flinch at his choice of words. "Nevertheless, it does exist. I will not leave him. Not now. Not ever. I am cognizant of the fact that it would be illogical for the two of us to stay here indefinitely. But I cannot leave until you are willing to release your son. Until that time, you are, unfortunately, saddled with both of us."

She bit her lip and seemed to steel herself. "But I want you to leave. This is my house. You can't stay if I tell you you have to leave…and I'm telling you, you have to leave."

"Are you aware of what that would do to your son? Surely you are not that blind to his need of me."

She sighed. "We've been over this before. He doesn't need you. It's you who needs him. And it's an unhealthy need as far as I can see. But if you left, he'd get over you in time."

He was about to respond when he heard the first far-off rumblings. "There is a storm approaching."

She blinked at his sudden change in conversation. "Yes, but it's not a bad one."

He got up and went to the window. The sky was still dark. He hadn't noticed the tardy sunlight in the anger of the moment. They both heard the frantic beat of feet on the stairs and then Kirk came flying into the room. He was dressed only in a pair of faded Levi's.

Kirk rushed over to Spock and grabbed him by the arm. "We've got to get out of here. Come on, Spock. We need to leave…now!"

Spock tried holding on to Kirk but the human was already trying to squirm away. He was pulling at Spock's arm, frantically trying to get him into the living room. "Jim, it is all right. It can't hurt you."

Kirk looked nervously around, his eyes going wide when another roll of thunder sounded through the room. It was getting closer. "No, I don't want to stay here. If you don't take me now, I'll go by myself."

It only took a moment for Spock to make up his mind. "Very well. I will take you back to our apartment."

"No!" Winona got up and came around the table. "You can't take him away. I won't let you!"

Kirk almost pushed her away in his panic. "I'm going with Spock. Don't try to stop us."

"Come." Spock threw his arm around Kirk's shoulders and hustled him out of the kitchen and up the stairs. The woman was right behind them.

In the bedroom, he turned Kirk to face him. "You must finish dressing. Do you think you can do that, Jim?"

Kirk face was flushed, and his breath was coming in shallow jerks and stops. His fear was building, but somehow he seemed to manage to grab hold of the courage that had always stood him in good stead. "Yes, I can do it." He shot a look at his mother and then went to the bureau and started pulling out clothes.

Spock turned to the woman. "We must leave here. It will only happen again, every time there is a storm. He cannot help himself."

"There are storms in San Francisco. It won't be any better there."

"The apartment is soundproofed. And we will not be in such an open environment. He will feel safer."

A loud crack of thunder shook the house and a soft intake of breath came from Kirk's direction. The both looked over and saw him clinging to the bureau, his fingers almost gouging into the wood. His eyes were squeezed shut, but he was fighting the fear as best he could.

"Is this what you desire for your son?" Spock angrily asked.

She stared at him for long seconds, then seemed to collapse in defeat. "Take him," she whispered.

Once Kirk was dressed, they hurried down the stairs and out the front door. The 'car sat less than ten feet from the porch. With a worried glance at the sky, Kirk clung to his lover as the two made their way to the vehicle. Settling Kirk in the passenger seat, Spock came around to the driver's side.

"Mr. Spock?" Winona stood at the doorway.

"Yes, Mrs. Kirk?" He waited, the 'car door open, unable to hide his impatience.

"Promise me you won't take him off Earth."

Spock opened his mouth to refuse, but saw the determination in the woman to win at least this round. He pressed his lips in a thin line and nodded in agreement. Closing the door, he started them on their way without a backward glance.

Their trip back to San Francisco was uneventful, probably the last time Spock could make such a statement.

 

^^^^^

Spock let himself into their apartment, filled with the same heavy dread that never truly left him. McCoy sat on the large couch that dominated the front room. He was engrossed in some periodical but looked up when he heard Spock enter.

"You look like hell, Spock." He put the magazine down and started to rise. "You want something to drink?"

"Tea would be appreciated, Doctor." Spock put his briefcase on the entry table and walked over to the couches. He sat across from the one McCoy had just vacated and waited. He was in no hurry to relay his latest news.

He could hear McCoy in the kitchen, banging around in the now familiar surroundings. He didn't know what he would have done without their friend. It hadn't impressed him how much Jim's mother had actually helped until her help was gone. He leaned his head against the back of the couch and closed his eyes.

"It went that bad?"

Spock opened his eyes. McCoy was taking his seat across from him as he placed two cups on the table that separated them.

"Well?" the doctor asked.

Spock leaned forward and cradled the warm beverage in his hands. "She has blocked the use of a Vulcan healer. Our lawyer was unable to have her decision circumvented."

"Damn that woman. Doesn't she want her son to get better?"

"It would seem not." He hesitated. "Where is Jim?" Spock wondered why he even bothered to ask.

"Where do you think? In the bedroom brooding. He's been there most of the day. His depression is getting worse, Spock. A lot worse."

"I am aware of that, Doctor. Why do you think I've been attempting to have him seen by a healer?" It had seemed their best chance. Earth science could do nothing for his bondmate.

"So, what are you going to do now?"

Spock shook his head. "I do not know." He took a sip of his drink and found it heavily laced with some sort of alcoholic beverage. Whiskey, he believed. He looked over at McCoy, who shrugged.

"You looked like you could use it. I know I did." The doctor took a healthy drink from his own cup.

"Was he especially difficult today?"

"No more than usual." McCoy had taken over the task of staying with Kirk whenever Spock had to go out. Between the legal fight with Kirk's mother and Starfleet's constant requests for information, the doctor had almost moved in.

"I had hoped he would sleep. He did not have a restful night."

McCoy hesitantly spoke. "Spock, I know we've talked about it before, but why don't you meld with him? See if you can help him?"

"The risk is too great. In that, I must concur with the other doctors. I could make things worse. It could leave him, or perhaps both of us, permanently impaired." He sometimes wondered if that would be a bad thing. At least then he would not be so aware of what they had lost.

"I just can't believe that," McCoy groused. "Everything I've seen over the years, between you and Jim, between Sarek and Amanda, makes me almost positive that it could only help him."

"'Almost positive' is not good enough. I will not take the chance."

Three weeks had passed since they had returned from Iowa. Spock had been so sure that their return to familiar surroundings would help. It had been an empty hope, because other than the ship, nothing would be familiar. Not home. Sometimes, Spock would see glimpses of his lover, trying to break free from the miasma of pain and confusion he lived in. But they occurred so rarely, and time was making them rarer still. He wondered if he had already lost Jim.

The doctor reached over and touched his arm. "It really is too soon, you know. Most cases like his take months to return to normal…sometimes years."

"And sometimes never," Spock replied.

"Don't give up on him, Spock. He needs you so much right now," McCoy quietly said.

Spock turned to gaze at the closed door that led into their bedroom. "Not as much as I need him, Doctor."

^^^^^

Kirk lay in the room, sprawled out on the unmade bed. He could hear McCoy and Spock talking out in the other room. He wanted to see Spock but couldn't work up the energy to get up and go out to greet his lover. Lover. What a laugh. Kirk turned on his side, pulling the sheet up to cover his body. That part of their lives had died right along with the rest of it.

The murmured words filtered in from the outside room. He knew they were talking about him, their charge who couldn't seem to do anything on his own anymore. He covered his head with an arm. His head always hurt, making thinking even harder . He couldn't remember a time when it had hurt so much. But that didn't say much, because his memory wasn't what it had been, either.

He pulled his pillow close and hugged it tight. He was a burden and he hated it. He couldn't think, couldn't remember, couldn't seem to just get through the day. He tried not to take it out on his friends. But they didn't seem to understand what he was going through. They seemed to think that is he just tried harder, he'd be able to overcome this thing that had happened to him.

And recently, he'd begun to wonder if Spock wanted to leave him. The Vulcan never said anything, but he wouldn't touch Kirk anymore. In his more lucid moments, when he wasn't angry or depressed, he realized that that was probably his own fault. He hadn't wanted Spock's touch in the beginning after the accident. Didn't always now. But sometimes he'd be inundated with a longing he could hardly contain. The hardest part was he didn't even know what he was longing for. He instinctively knew it had something to do with Spock. But it concerned more than touch, more than the feel of the hot, Vulcan body lying next to his at night. There was a huge emptiness in his mind that was demanding to be filled.

What would he do if Spock left? He shuddered and pushed the thought away. He wouldn't let that happen.

Kirk sat up, fighting the dizziness that threatened to overwhelm him. Once the room stabilized, he got up and slowly dressed. He threw on the t-shirt and sweatpants that had become his wardrobe and started for the door. He wouldn't lose Spock without a fight.

^^^^^

Spock studied his lover. It was a clear day, warm, but kept from being hot by the breeze that blew in off the water. They had decided a trip to the park would do them both some good. The walls of the apartment had started to close in on them, every room a reminder of their descent into limbo.

They found a remote and quiet corner in a grove of trees and spread a blanket in its welcoming shade. Spock had sat down and leaned against its trunk while Kirk lay on his stomach, his upper body propped up on bended elbows. A book lay open in front of him.

Kirk slowly turned the pages. His reading skills were not what they had been, the concentration needed far beyond him. Yet he persevered, making Spock love him all the more.

Their lives had settled into a pattern of stretches of calm between the disrupting flares of anger and bewilderment that were the accident's most insidious legacy. There had been times when Kirk had shown a desire for more, for the physical closeness they had once shared. But Spock now feared that closeness, and he knew he had not done a good job of explaining to his bondmate why. It had become one more thing to argue about.

But today was a good day and Spock counted it a blessing. He understood that what Kirk said in the heat of anger was not what his lover truly felt, and that the words were regretted almost as soon as they were said. So on days like today he rejoiced in the brief return of the man he had pledged his love and loyalty to.

The human must have felt his gaze, because he looked up and graced Spock with a smile. "I'm getting better…a little."

Spock smiled back. He reached over and took the book while he pulled Kirk to him until his lover nestled against his chest. "It is enough for today."

Kirk closed his eyes. "You're right. I was starting to get a headache."

"Perhaps I may be of assistance." Spock brought his hands up and started to gently massage Kirk's temple.

"That feels good." Kirk relaxed against him, encouraging the touch.

They sat quietly that way for some time. It was only when Spock felt himself hardening that he thought to pull away. Kirk would surely object to the pressure he must feel against his buttocks. But the human did not, and Spock found himself giving in to the illicit pleasure. There was really very little chance of being seen. It was a work day, and the park was almost empty. What was the harm in touching? And if at one time he would have found such thoughts illogical, at this moment they seemed to make perfect sense. He brought one hand down and wrapped it around Kirk's waist. He pulled at the human's shirt until a strip of flesh was exposed above his waistband. Spock's fingers slipped under the material to lightly graze Kirk's sides and abdomen.

Kirk moaned and let his head drop back onto Spock's chest. He scooted back and pushed himself against his lover's groin.

"T'hy'la," Spock whispered, and lowered his mouth until his lips were pressed against Kirk's neck. He slowly sucked and bit at the tender skin, his one hand never leaving its position at Kirk's brow. "I need you, t'hy'la."

Kirk had grabbed hold of Spock's thighs and his hands were slowly kneading the taut muscles. He parted his own legs and was panting softly while his lower body undulated against the hot flesh behind him. Suddenly he pulled Spock's hand out from under his shirt and placed it on his hardened cock.

Spock squeezed around the material trapping the human's erection and heard his lover cry softly out. This was madness, yet Spock found he could not stop. It was as if he was in the grip of a force he could not control. The fingers of one hand slipped into the meld position, while the other quickly undid the fastenings and slipped into Kirk's pants.

They moved together, friction sending jolts of pleasure through Spock's organ. His fingers were wrapped around his lover's cock, and he simultaneously squeezed and pistoned his hand up and down its hardened length.

"Oh, god, yes," Kirk moaned. "Now, Spock. Do it now."

The words were a familiar plea. Kirk had often said them as he waited impatiently for his body and mind to be penetrated. It was their very familiarity that brought Spock back. It was like being doused with cold water. He groaned and stiffly dropped his hand from Kirk's face, his other continuing to stroke the human's cock.

Kirk tried to stop, but he was too far along. He gave a strangled cry and came. His semen flowed over Spock's hand to splatter his pants and puddle on the blanket between his legs. He slumped forward and struggled to catch his breath. When his breathing evened out, he lifted his head and looked back at Spock. "Why did you do that? Why did you pull away?"

Spock released him and quickly stood. He turned partially away as he guiltily wiped his hand on his own clothing. His own erection had died when he'd had to use all his willpower to pull himself from Kirk's mind. "You know why," he softly whispered.

"Do I?" Kirk was angry. "Do I really? If the meld will harm us like they say it will, why do we both…want it so much?"

"I do not know." He waited stoically for the verbal storm, but it never came. When he looked back at Kirk, the human had refastened his pants and was hurriedly bundling up the blanket. "Let's get the hell out of here."

"Jim, I—"

"Don't say it, Spock. I don't…understand why you believe them, because I don't. And even if I did," Kirk looked up, "I'd still want it. I always will."

 

^^^^^

Kirk concentrated on the medals on his chest as he tried to get them on straight. He had yelled at Spock when he had tried to help him, so now he was on his own. He cast a furtive glance through the bedroom doorway. He knew Spock would be patiently waiting for him. The morning had not gone well, and lunch had been strained. His lover, as always, had taken Kirk's abuse with a long-suffering silence. He didn't know what it aggravated more, his guilt or his angry.

And he had a lot of anger, most of it aimed at Spock. The Vulcan had done all he could to make Kirk's life easier, but it just wasn't doing any good. The person Spock expected him to be didn't exist anymore.

He finished dressing and walked out to meet Spock by the front door. "I'm ready. Let's get this over with."

Spock only nodded and opened the door. He waited for Kirk to go through first.

The remembered courtesy drew a smile from Kirk as they made their way to the elevator. It was a cloudy day, but Starfleet headquarters was within easy walking distance. They exited the building and started down the tree-lined avenue.

The quiet stretched between them as Kirk tried to think of something to say. When had this awkward silence become a part of their relationship? It seemed to have slowly built with each fight. Fights that Kirk found himself unable to stop.

Since that night almost two months before, when he had vowed to keep the Vulcan at his side, he had tried to change. He tried to stop goading his lover but often found himself attacking Spock with little provocation. He had been unable to halt the growing breach between them and it scared him. It made no difference that after every argument he renewed his determination to stop. There was always something that roused his anger. And Spock's reluctance to touch him only made things worse. Since that day in the park, the Vulcan acted as if he was afraid to get too close.

"What do you think Nogura wants with us now?" Kirk hesitantly spoke.

Spock tilted his head and studied his lover. "Perhaps he wishes to ascertain your progress in dealing with your injury."

"You don't think he's going to ask for my…my resignation?" That thought frightened Kirk almost as much as losing Spock did.

"I would think not. It has been only three months since your accident. He must realize that a full recovery is still very much a possibility."

"Do you think it is?"

"Jim, I…I endeavor to hope so."

"I hope so, too." Kirk shuddered as a draft of wind blew around him. He studied the sky, nervously watching the clouds quickly skitter by.

"Are you all right?" Spock asked.

"Of course I'm all right! Why do you always have to coddle me?" Kirk halted and closed his eyes. He held himself rigidly as he fought to control his anger. "I'm sorry. I promised myself I wouldn't do that anymore."

"We will survive this, Jim. Of that, I have no doubt. And given time, you will once more be as you were."

Kirk opened his eyes. Spock was standing close to him. Closer than the Vulcan normally cared to in public, closer than he had in a long time. "I keep trying to…convince myself of that. But I can't seem to help how I feel anymore. I hate it, Spock. I hate what it's doing to me. To us. I've lost control, and I don't know how to get it back."

Spock laid his hand on Kirk's arm and gently pulled him forward to continue their walk. The Vulcan appeared to gather his thoughts before speaking. "When you were first injured, I assumed that any impediment you might display would be transitory. And that our lives would continue as they once had been. We would go to Vulcan, and from there discover what course our lives would take. But as the weeks went by, I came to understand that there exists the possibility that all we knew, all we expected our lives to be, could be irrevocably gone. And I began to wonder what would become of us if the past were a closed door. Do you know what I have learned?"

"What?"

"That it does not matter. We are together, Jim, because we wish to be. Nothing can change that. And as long as we have that, the rest will take care of itself."

"What about our careers? Starfleet? I don't want to stay grounded."

"You will not. In time, your mother must come to see that what she desires for you is not in your best interest. When she does, we will be free to continue our exploration of space. Whether we are in Starfleet at the time does not truly matter so much, does it?"

Kirk rubbed his forehead. He wished he were that sure…of anything. How could he make Spock understand what it was he was feeling when he wasn't even sure? And even if he were, half the time he couldn't pull the words from his brain anyway. But he owed his lover the attempt. "You're a…a scientist. There are so many people who would kill to have you work for them. But what do I have? I feel like I've…lost my way. Or worse, lost myself. All I've ever known is the military. Command, that's all I've ever wanted for longer than I can remember. It's all I'm trained for."

"You are so much more than that. And once you knew it." Spock turned and gazed at him. "You will know it again."

Kirk almost laughed. "You sound so sure."

"I am. For I know you. If what has happened to you has temporarily caused you to 'lose your way,' it is only that…temporary. You are too strong a person, too self-aware, to be permanently sidetracked from your destiny."

"And what is my destiny, Spock? Do you know?"

"It is to be up there." He nodded toward the sky. "Don't you remember?"

Kirk shrugged. "Sometimes. Sometimes it's so clear. My course is straight ahead and plainly marked." He momentarily brought his hand up to sight down an imaginary barrel. "But most of the time it's taking everything I am just to see past the depression."

Suddenly they were in the shadow of Starfleet headquarters. They glanced at each other and then started up the wide flight of stairs that fronted the building. As they opened the large glass door, it began to rain.

^^^^^

"Mr. Spock, congratulate the new head of Operations." Nogura beamed as he led Kirk out of his office.

Spock turned to his bondmate in dismay but quickly schooled his features into impassivity. He knew Nogura was looking for a chink in their armor and a reason to separate them. "Congratulations, Captain. I am…somewhat at a loss, however. I was under the impression that you desired reassignment to a ship."

Kirk glanced at the admiral before answering. "It's only temporary, Spock. Until I can be certified fit for regular duty again."

"I see," Spock replied. But he didn't see. Surely Kirk was aware that Nogura would never let him go once he had Kirk where he wanted him.

"And it isn't 'captain' anymore. It's Admiral Kirk." Nogura turned to Kirk. "Your new uniforms will be sent to your residence. You'll need one for the reception being planned for next week."

"Reception, sir?" Kirk looked puzzled.

"You need to meet all the people you'll be working with. I know you won't be able to participate in the day-to-day running of your department right away, but these people can help you settle in when you're ready. In the meantime, I'll keep you busy with the interviews and speaking engagements I have planned."

"Sir, Capt…Admiral Kirk has not been released from his doctor's care," Spock interjected.

"I've got his doctor's okay for this, Mr. Spock. You needn't worry about your former commander anymore."

"Dr. McCoy has allowed this?"

"Dr. McCoy has been removed from the case."

Kirk turned at that, clearly surprised. "Since when?"

Nogura smiled. "Since I spoke with your mother. You're not making enough progress, Kirk. I want my rising young star back where he belongs. Maybe Dr. Bernard can do a better job."

"Dr. Andrew Bernard?" Spock asked. "I was not aware that he had the background to deal with Admiral Kirk's unique injury. He is primarily an administrator."

"He knows what he's doing." Nogura's voice turned stern. The discussion was obviously over. "I'll see you next week, Kirk." The admiral turned and retraced his steps into his office.

Spock looked at his lover. Why was Kirk not fighting this? Instead, his former captain headed for the door. Spock gave a last look at the receding back of their commanding officer before following Kirk out.

Kirk was waiting for the elevator when Spock caught up with him. "Why did you agree to this?"

The human shot him an annoyed look. "What's the big deal? I told you it's only temporary."

The elevator doors opened and the two men entered. They shared it with three others, so their conversation stilled until they were once more outside. But instead of turning towards home, Kirk abruptly veered off and headed in the opposite direction.

"Where are we going?" Spock found it an effort to keep pace with his lover. The advantage his added height usually gave him was gone in the human's apparent rush.

"I don't know about you, but I need a drink."

"Jim, we need to speak of what just transpired."

Kirk shook his head. "Later."

"I do not believe it is something we should postpone. Its importance—"

"I said later! If you can't deal with that, maybe you should go home and wait for me there. I don't need a…a baby-sitter."

Spock didn't know what hurt worse: that Kirk could believe him capable of walking away, or that, for a moment, it had entered his mind to do just that. He swallowed his dismay and silently followed Kirk until they came to a narrow run of steps that disappeared into a dark entryway.

From the outside the place gave an impression of seediness. But once inside Spock saw that it was an elaborate charade. Though the interior of the establishment was dimly lit, the room was finely furnished, with deep-cushioned booths that afforded maximum privacy. Kirk walked to a back corner and slid into one of the recessed coves.

"Sit down, Spock," Kirk said as he handed over a card to the waiter who had magically appeared at their table. The man looked at it a moment before handing it back and walking away.

"You have been here before." Spock's gaze took in the elaborate setting. The booth was lit by candles set in ornate sconces on the walls above them. The table was of a highly burnished wood. The entire place screamed money and power.

"Once, after a briefing. I think Nogura was trying to entice me with it." Kirk quieted, as if afraid to wander into that particular avenue of discussion. The waiter reappeared with a small glass of amber liquid and set it in front of him. "Did you want something to drink?" Kirk belatedly asked his lover.

"No, thank you." Spock waited until they were alone once again. "Jim, please. Can we not speak of what happened?"

The human lowered his head for a moment and then took a sip of his drink. He toyed with the glass, letting the liquid almost spill out. "There's nothing to say. It's the only way I could stay in Starfleet."

"Earlier you expressed the opinion that we did not need Starfleet."

"No, you did."

"I believed you agreed with me. And that we would find our destiny together."

"We will, we will. It'll just be on Earth for a while." Kirk looked pleadingly at Spock. "It'll be okay. You'll see. Just don't rock the boat, Spock. Not right now."

"'Rock the boat?' To what are you referring?"

"Nogura said you've been…snooping around, asking questions about the Enterprise."

"I have inquired as to the possibility of our being reassigned her. I was not aware that constituted 'snooping.'"

"Well, just don't make trouble." Kirk finished off his drink and nodded at the waiter as he walked by.

Spock turned to see the man return to the bar and place another order. He looked back at Kirk. "I thought you desired a drink."

"I did. Now I want another one."

"Dr. McCoy advised you—"

"I don't care what McCoy advised. Besides, he's not my doctor anymore. Now give it a rest."

Spock pulled himself straight and unconsciously clenched his hands into fists. His lover was totally blind to how this was affecting him. Each day found his controls more and more in tatters as Kirk pushed and pulled him through the emotional labyrinth that was the human's world. He understood that it wasn't Kirk's fault, that the changes in his bondmate were just as disturbing to Kirk as they were to him. But the muting of the bond and his lover's relentless attacks on him were wearing him down. It made a mockery of his earlier words. "You know it is unwise for you to imbibe to such a degree."

"I don't want to hear it. I'm here to have a good time. If you can't do me the favor of just…shutting up and letting me, maybe you should leave." Kirk grabbed the glass as the waiter appeared. "Keep them coming until I tell you to stop."

"Do not do this." Spock sat rigidly, unable to even look at the human.

"Don't tell me what to do. You're not my…my keeper, even though you seem to think so."

"No, I am your bondmate. And as such, I am afforded certain privileges. One is to insure your continued well-being—"

"Not doing such a hot job there, are you?" Kirk sneered.

Spock cringed slightly as the barb found its mark. "You believe that I am responsible for your injury?"

Kirk shrugged and downed his drink. "Does it matter?"

"It does to me."

"Don't worry about it. I can take care of myself, anyway. I don't need someone leading me around by the hand…not even you."

"Is that what I have become to you? Someone whose presence you regard with little more than tolerance?"

Kirk remained silent for long moments. "I didn't say that," he finally answered morosely.

"But it is what you feel."

"I don't know what I feel anymore. All I know is that I'm tired. Tired of trying to make sense of everything, of trying to be what you want me to be." He sighed and ran his hands through his hair. "I don't know how to give you what you want."

Spock lowered his head, unable to believe the nightmare their lives had become. When he recalled the wonder of what they had shared, he was overwhelmed by bitterness. And every time he tried to pull Kirk back from the dark and shadowy world he inhabited, he found himself being drawn in with his bondmate. Spock whispered words were a plea. "Jim, please."

"What? What do you want from me now?"

Spock looked up then into the eyes of his lover. He saw anger and resentment, fear and confusion where once he had only seen love and a single-mindedness that had awed him. "I want us to go home. Now."

Maybe it was the sorrow that could be heard in Spock's every word, or the stress that radiated from him in waves. Whatever it was Kirk heard or saw at that moment, it managed to filter through. The human closed his eyes and nodded. "All right."

Spock almost sighed in relief. He had won another battle. But he wondered at the price.

^^^^^

Spock unlocked the door and gently pushed Kirk through the entryway. The human had been subdued on the way home. Neither had said another word as they left the bar and walked the few blocks.

Once inside, Kirk headed for the bedroom. He unbuttoned his uniform and kicked off his boots along the way and managed to undress totally by the time he reached their bed. He crawled onto the blanketed surface to lie sprawled across its width.

Entering the room, Spock realized with dismay what Kirk intended. Left to his own devices, the human would stay secluded in here the rest of the day. Spock noticed that the curtains were still drawn and moved to open them.

"Leave them closed." Kirk rolled over and pulled the covers back. He crawled under them and buried himself in their warmth.

"Would you like me to read to you? Or perhaps you are hungry?" Spock approached the bed. He sat next to his lover and leaned over to prop himself up on one elbow.

The human pulled closer. "No, just tired."

Spock bit his lip in frustration. It looked to be a repeat of so many of their days and evenings. But when he started to rise, Kirk reached out and grabbed his hand.

"Stay with me."

Spock didn't hesitate but slid down to lie as close as he could, kicking off his shoes as he did so. He pulled the blankets over himself without undressing. He was too afraid to take the time to remove his clothes. The offer could be withdrawn, and he didn't know what he would do if it was. He hungered for Kirk. Body and mind. The long days and weeks of stillness and separation had created a need in him that threatened to overpower both of them. He ignored the warning that clamored in his mind.

The room slowly darkened as the hours passed. Spock was no longer aware of the outside world. The man lying next to him encompassed the universe as they huddled together in the shadowy womb of their room. Without conscious volition his mind slipped into that of his lover's. One hand burrowed down into the blankets and found what it needed. The human's organ was already hard, waiting for him. His own awakened in response.

Spock was floating in a familiar stream, lazy and unresisting. But the dark and brooding wall that reared in front of him had never been there before. It blocked his path, though the current strengthened and pulled him closer to the forbidding edifice. He need only get to the other side and he'd be home. His t'hy'la's mind, a bright and glorious beacon that had captured him from their first meeting, now beckoned like a siren's song.

Let free of thought, Spock's body did its part. It struggled to undo the fastenings of his trousers and pushed them down around his thighs. Completion would be only a movement away. Kirk moaned when Spock let go to turn him, and the soft sound brought awareness.

Suddenly Spock was thrashing to get out. The blank wall that moments before had been an impediment to his desire now served to save him. With a last frantic lunge, he threw himself from Kirk's mind, the force of it throwing him from the bed to the floor.

Spock shivered in shock as he gasped in air. He had almost destroyed them both. His lack of control had endangered the life of the one person he could not do without. He lay on his back, trying to regain the tight hold that had been his salvation through the last months' ordeal.

Kirk didn't stir. Evidently, he had not felt the invasion. The rest would be like a dream.

Slowly, Spock staggered to his feet. He clumsily pulled his pants up and quietly withdrew from the room, stopping only long enough to pick up his discarded shoes. He hoped Kirk would not wake too soon. Time had finally run out, and Spock had much to do.

^^^^^

McCoy tried to relax. The balcony of his apartment was just large enough for the small table and chairs that were its only furnishings. He looked out on the city, watching the sun go down as he nursed a shot of whiskey. He needed it. The news that he had been removed from Jim Kirk's case had stung. It had been forwarded to him through official Starfleet channels, and it hurt that neither man had had the guts to just tell him face to face.

The knock at the door drew him from his brooding. He put his drink down and stood up, slipping his shoes back on before he made his way inside and to the front entryway.

"Spock, I'm surprised to see you here." McCoy stepped back from the open door while he tried to keep his anger and curiosity in check. "Come on in."

The Vulcan walked warily in.

"Where's Jim?"

"He is at home…asleep."

"Is that a good idea? Leaving him alone like that?"

"I have not been gone that long. It was urgent that I speak with you."

"I see." McCoy eyed the Vulcan. Spock looked like death warmed over. "Care for a drink?"

"Yes, I believe I will. Thank you, Doctor."

McCoy shot him a look of surprise, but then walked over to the bar. "Bourbon okay?" He turned, a decanter in his hand.

Spock nodded but was obviously ill at ease.

"Over here." McCoy tilted his head in the direction of the balcony. The Vulcan followed him outside and took a seat across from him. "Okay, what can I do for you?"

Spock studied his hands as if trying to cautiously pick his words. "Were you advised that you have been removed as Jim's doctor?"

McCoy sat back. "Yes, I was, as a matter of fact. This morning, about nine."

"That was approximately five hours before we were."

His eyes widened, and he took a drink while he contemplated that bit of news. Finally, he nodded. "Jim's mother."

"Yes. And now something has happened that will only give her more power over her son." Spock lowered his eyes. "I must go to Vulcan."

"Now? Why?" McCoy glared at him. "You can't leave now. Jim can't handle being alone. He needs you."

"I understand that, Doctor. But it is imperative that I leave. I came to ask if it would be possible for you to stay with him while I am gone. It should not be for more than ten days."

"Why? What's so important that you have to go now?"

Spock took a sip of his drink. When he spoke, his words came hesitantly. "Something happened today. And I almost destroyed both of us."

"Spock?"

"The natural affinity between Jim and me has always been exceedingly strong. From the day of our first meeting it made its presence felt. It was a constant source of comfort to both of us as it grew, first into a link and then, finally, into the bond that irrevocably joined us. Now, it is silent. Yet it still holds sway over us. The compulsion to…rejoin, to once more feel him within my mind is overpowering. Each day, it becomes harder to resist. I have fought it as well as my abilities have allowed. It is not enough. I must go to Vulcan in order to learn how to block this need, before I take what I must not have."

McCoy leaned forward. "Something happened, didn't it?"

"Yes."

Spock didn't elaborate and somehow McCoy realized he would never know exactly what had transpired between his two friends. But whatever it had been, it had scared the Vulcan so badly that he was willing to bare his fears, his emotions, to him. McCoy felt strangely honored, and not just a little afraid. "Have you told Jim?"

Spock shook his head. "He will not understand. We would only end up arguing. And I do not know if I could resist his entreaties. It is best if I just go."

"When would you leave?"

"Today. I have already booked passage aboard a transport. It leaves in two hours."

McCoy whistled softly. "You don't waste time, do you, Spock? I guess it's up to me, then." He rose and, picking up his glass, downed the rest of the fiery liquid. "I can't say I'm looking forward to it. Jim's gonna be fit to be tied."

"You understand why I must leave in this manner?" Spock's voice held a hint of pleading.

"Yeah, unfortunately, I do. I'll go over there right now. Maybe I can make him understand." He shook his head. "But I doubt it."

The Vulcan stood up and rigidly clasped his hands behind him. McCoy thought he looked like someone facing a firing squad. The doctor shivered and pushed away that ugly thought. He had an awful feeling about this.

"I will return as soon as possible." Spock walked back to the entry and stopped, his hand on the knob. "Tell Jim…tell him that I will be back. Tell him," he lowered his head a moment before turning to face McCoy, "tell him I do this for both our sakes." He quickly opened the door and walked out.

^^^^^

McCoy watched with dismay the hurried motion of the man pacing nervously before him. If it had been a habit before, it was now a compulsive movement on Kirk's part. Easy to anger, even easier to hurt, the newly minted Chief of Operations paced his office like a caged lion.

Office. McCoy shook his head in disgust. Looked more like some fancy suite for some high falutin' dignitary. But it was somewhere to go. Somewhere where Kirk could work off his frustrations at the continued absence of his bondmate. The doctor remembered too well the scene that had followed when he had delivered Spock's message. He'd never seen Kirk so out of control. That, of course, was no longer the case. He'd seen him that way more times than he could count, now.

McCoy had never really believed that Kirk could stay angry with Spock. He never had before. But that was the operative word, wasn't it? Before. Before the Vulcan’s apparent desertion had changed all the rules that governed their lives. And the new rules said that Kirk could stay in a rage for days on end once told of his lover's departure. It had taken weeks for his ire to cool. For some reason, today it was back.

"Maybe we should go home." McCoy picked at a piece of lint on his trousers and missed the flash of rage that crossed Kirk's face.

"It's my office. I'll stay as long as I damn well feel like it." Kirk swung around and started across the room again.

"Jim, Spock isn't staying away because he wants to."

"Isn't he?" Kirk finally stopped his pacing and threw himself into the chair across the table from McCoy. The finely furnished office came with all the amenities, including a bar that the new Admiral was making full use of. The half-emptied glass that sat in front of him was his third.

McCoy sighed and leaned forward to grab his own drink. They were both getting into the really bad habit of having their first by sixteen hundred hours. Anyway, what did he know? Spock had been gone over a month now. From the stargrams the Vulcan regularly sent it sounded like walling off a full-fledged bond, no matter how dormant, was turning out to be harder than anyone knew. But was that really the case? "He's doing it for the good of you both, you know."

Kirk snorted in disgust and downed the strong libation. "I told you this would happen, didn't I? He's decided that I'm too much trouble. Well, to hell with him. I don't have to be alone if I don't want to."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Just this." Kirk pulled a slightly worn card from his pocket. "I found this the other day." He tossed it across the table at McCoy.

The doctor picked it up, studying both sides. "'Admiral Lori Ciani.' Where do you know her from?"

"I met her the night of the reception, the one Starfleet threw for us. She seemed interested then." Kirk leaned forward and took the card back. "I'm having a drink with her tonight."

"Jim, don't do this."

"Do what? Get on with my life? He's not coming back, Bones."

"He'll be back. He loves you."

"Loves me? Oh, he loves me all right. He loves me so much he just sent me this." Kirk got up and walked over to his desk. He grabbed a sheet of paper and approached McCoy. "Here. Read it."

Another stargram. He took the letter and began to read. Dear god. Another month? McCoy glanced up at Kirk's face. The handsome visage was etched with despair and anger.

"Still think he's coming back?" Kirk hissed.

McCoy looked down and scanned the rest of the letter. "It says here that he has to go to some special place to learn to block the bond. Gol? I've never heard of it." He handed the note back.

"That's because it's an excuse. He doesn't want to come back and this is easier than just saying so."

"That doesn't make any sense. He loves you. I'd swear on everything I know that he does."

"Oh, really. Then why is it I can't find out anything about this place? No, I'm finished waiting for him." Kirk rose and walked over to his desk to grab his jacket from where it hung on the back of his chair. "You want to go back to the apartment, that's fine. But I've got a date. I'll see you later."

McCoy watched his friend walk out of the office. He got up and, walking over to the bar, poured himself another drink.

^^^^^

Kirk studied the woman as she approached him, appreciating the sway of her hips as she made her way across the room. He'd wanted to pick Lori up at her place, take her somewhere nice for dinner, maybe dancing afterwards. But she'd been adamant. She'd meet him for one drink and then they'd go from there.

Dressed in casual but elegant attire, Lori Ciani slid in across from him. The booth was dark and afforded them the privacy both desired.

"Admiral." She tilted her head toward him, a slight smile playing across her lips.

"It's Jim." He returned the smile and signaled for the waiter standing at the end of the bar. "I'm glad you came."

"Scotch and water." Lori turned to the young man who had appeared at their table. She waited until he had walked off with her order before responding to Kirk. "I was surprised to hear from you…Jim. After the last time at the reception—"

"Last time was a mistake."

"I see." She played with one of the small paper napkins on the table, yet her gaze was squarely fixed on Kirk. "At loose ends."

"Yeah, at loose ends." He took a drink, trying to hide the grimace that crossed his face. He didn't want to do this. His conscience was screaming at him to get the hell out and go home. Spock would probably be calling about now, his once a week attempt at personal contact. Maybe McCoy would tell him what Kirk was doing. Maybe it would make Spock think about coming back.

"I hear you reconsidered Nogura's offer."

Kirk startled. He was doing it again, letting his mind wander. Letting thoughts of Spock interfere with his life. Holding on to a hope that he should let go of. Wasn't that why he was here? He smiled and brought his full interest to bear on the woman. "It's something to do until I can get my ship back."

"I heard about your accident. Everyone has."

"Yes, I'm more of a celebrity now than I ever was. Hell of a way to get your name in the paper."

The waiter appeared at her side, and she took her drink without removing her gaze from Kirk. "You're an important and powerful man. People can't help but be interested."

His eyes narrowed as he studied her, aware of the tone of her words. "Does that include you?"

She shrugged. "It could. It all depends."

"On what?"

"On just how much at loose ends you are."

He smiled, sure of her now. "Why don't we find out?"

She took a sip of her drink. "And how do you propose we do that?"

"We've got all night. Surely there's something I can do to convince you."

She leaned back into the booth and returned his smile. "I'm sure there is."

^^^^^

"Spock?"

Spock looked out on his mother's garden. It was winter in Shi'Kahr, and the roses were in bloom. The color drew his eyes but not his thoughts.

"Spock?"

He brought his hand up and felt the clear surface that separated him from the outside heat. He shivered even as the warmth permeated the glass to his hand.

"Spock!"

Spock started and turned to the concerned visage of his mother. "Yes, Mother?"

Amanda approached and sat next to him on the window seat. "What's the matter?" she asked gently.

He looked back outside. "I will miss your roses."

"You won't be gone long. The healer is certain the Masters of Gol can help you. He seemed to think it would be a matter of a few weeks." She frowned and laid her hand on his arm. "Is it Jim?"

He thought about denying it. But what was the point, really? His mother had ever had the ability to draw a response from him. And as a child, it had often amazed him how she read him so well. "He is turning to another."

"How do you know?"

"I called him several times last night. He never returned home from a 'business appointment.'"

"Business appointment? Where was he?"

"I do not know. I am merely repeating what Dr. McCoy told me." It had been frustrating, trying to garner information from the obviously embarrassed doctor. The distance between Vulcan and Earth made instantaneous conversation impossible. It was the same reason most of the time he sent stargrams instead. But even with the three-minute lapses between their responses, Spock could tell that McCoy was hiding something.

"If you don't know where he was, why are you automatically assuming that he was with someone else?"

Spock finally turned to gaze at his mother. He had never loved her more than at this moment. Her ready acceptance of what was between him and Jim when Spock had finally told his parents, and her attempt to belay his fears now, made him realize for the first time how much she truly wished for his happiness. "He is very angry with me."

"Oh, Spock, I can't believe he would do that. Not Jim. He loves you too much."

"But he is not the Jim Kirk you have known. The accident changed him. Made him need in a way he never did before." He returned to staring at the garden. "He is turning to another."

"Then you must go to Earth. Right now, before it's too late," Amanda entreated, taking his hand.

"No, I cannot. My needs almost destroyed us both. I will not take that chance again."

"You don't know that!" She shook her head. "I can't believe that the bond could hurt either one of you that way. The doctors on Earth have no idea of what it could do. For all they know, it could cure him."

"Or kill him."

"No! I won't believe that. Spock, if anyone knows what the bond can or can't do to a human, it's me. I know what it is to be mentally joined to another." She hesitated a moment before continuing. "You said that the bond was silent. That neither of you can 'feel' the other. If that's so, than it's no wonder Jim is looking for something, 'needing' something. If the bond between me and your father was suddenly cut off, I think I'd go mad."

"Mother, I cannot feel the bond, either. I know the distress he is feeling—"

"No, you don't. You've had years to discipline your mind. He hasn't. He doesn't know how to stop the pain he has to be feeling."

Spock closed his eyes. He knew too well about uncontrollable pain. Since the night before he had felt as if there was a gaping maw where his heart had been. He hurt, though there was no physical pain. It was hard for him to breathe, and moment to moment he only endured the black emptiness that had drained all color from his world. Perhaps he was taking a chance, staying away so long. But better to lose Kirk then to bring harm to him.

He heard the soft thrum of an aircar and opened his eyes. He could see it through the bars of the front gate. He gently pulled his hand from his mother's and stood up. "The shuttle is here."

"Spock, please." There were tears in his mother's eyes. "Go to Earth."

He touched her face and then leaned down to kiss her forehead. "I cannot take that chance, Mother." He straightened and walked to the front door where a small valise sat to the side.

"You can't afford not to," she pleaded.

For a moment, he almost relented. He needed so badly to see, to touch, the man who was the keeper of his joy. But the teachings of a lifetime held. He opened the door and, suitcase in hand, walked out onto the darkened path.

^^^^^

McCoy let himself into the apartment, dropping his keys on the entry table and making his way through the living room to the kitchen beyond. He started the pot of coffee he was sure Kirk would need. It was almost noon, about the time his friend usually managed to get up.

The doctor frowned. His quick visit to Starfleet hadn't brought the results he had hoped. Kirk was slowly getting better, the frustrating groping for words almost gone, along with some of the mental confusion. His short-term memory had improved slightly, as had his ability to code new information, as well as access the old. And though Kirk still had trouble controlling his anger, McCoy knew that his friend was finally on his way to recovery. But Starfleet continued to insist that they were bound by Winona Kirk's decisions as far as her son was concerned. The ex-captain of the Enterprise would remain planet-bound. And the yes-man they had found to take over Kirk's case had instantly agreed.

In the meantime, Kirk's relationship with Lori Ciani had gathered steam since their first "date" two weeks before. They were rarely apart. McCoy figured it was Kirk's way of getting back at Spock, punishing the Vulcan for not being here. He hoped that once Spock did reappear Kirk would welcome him with open arms. With any luck, that would be in a week or two.

God, Spock, you better be back by then. Kirk's anger at his bondmate had only grown as the days passed. McCoy had a sneaking suspicion his friend's new companion had a lot to do with that. But any time he'd brought it up, Kirk had immediately gone on the defensive. Lori Ciani was off-limits.

Deep in thought, McCoy didn't at first register the soft whistling issuing from Kirk's room. He raised his eyebrows. Not only because his friend was obviously up and about, but because he sounded in a surprisingly good mood. He approached the door leading to the rest of the apartment and peered down the hallway. "Jim?"

Kirk's bedroom door was open, and McCoy could now hear the unmistakable sound of drawers being opened and closed. Somehow the doctor knew it didn't bode well, and he hesitantly walked over. He stopped just at the entrance. "What are you doing?"

Kirk moved busily about the room, going from dresser to bed and back again. Two large valises sat open on the bed, and his friend was quickly filling both.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" Kirk retorted. He paused for a moment, seeming to debate between a gray shirt and a maroon pullover. With a shrug, he finally stuffed both into one of the suitcases.

"Okay, then. Where are you going?" McCoy entered the room and peered into the nearest bag. It looked like Kirk was planning on being gone a while.

"I'm taking Lori to see my mom."

"I didn't know Admiral Ciani knew your mother."

"She met her last week." Kirk closed his luggage and started hauling the bags out of the room.

McCoy followed, almost afraid to let his friend out of his sight. "Don't you think you're taking this a bit too far?"

Placing his suitcases next to the front door, Kirk straightened and faced the doctor. "Taking what too far? Having a life?"

"You have a life. You also have a bondmate who should be back any day now."

"Yeah, I've heard that one before." Kirk turned to the entry table and started filling his pockets with keys, ID, and various other articles.

"Jim, don't do this. I know you're angry at him. But are you so angry that you're willing to destroy what the two of you share? Because that's what you're going to do if you don't stop right now."

Kirk paused and then placed his hands on the table. He leaned wearily forward and closed his eyes. "We don't share anything anymore, Bones. He's cut me off, cut off the bond."

"That's not Spock's doing. You know that. Your accident—"

"No." Kirk opened his eyes and slowly turned to face his friend. "I remember right after the accident. Yes, the bond was…quiet. But it was still there. I'd stake everything I know on that. But now," he brought a hand up and rubbed his temple, "all I feel is emptiness. He's gone. And I can't live like this anymore. At least when I'm with Lori, it recedes a bit. I don't feel half dead."

"Is that what you want? Half of a relationship? Because that's all you'll ever be able to give her. I don't know what's going on with Spock, why he's taking so long. But I know this. That man loves you more than life itself. Whatever he's done to the bond he's done because he thinks it's what's best for you. Don't hurt him like this."

They heard the door chime and both started toward the door, Kirk to open it and McCoy to place his hand hard against the surface.

"I've got to go now, Bones." Kirk stood with his hand on the knob.

"Damn it, Jim. Don't do this!"

"It's already done. Spock's gone and he's taken the bond with him. I've got to get on with my life. Figure out how I'm going to survive without it, without him."

"Jim!" McCoy was almost pleading.

"Take care, Bones." Kirk gently pushed the doctor's hand out of the way and opened the door.

McCoy stood hopelessly by while the young bellman gathered the luggage onto a cart and pushed it out into the hall. Without another word, his friend followed after it. The emptiness McCoy felt was overwhelming. It was as if he were in mourning for both his friends, and the death of what had been.

^^^^^

The sun felt good on his back as Kirk forked the hay out of the wagon. He'd taken to doing odd jobs around the farm, the little things that machinery had not found fit to take over and the hired hands were more than willing to let go. Feeding the horses let out to pasture was tiring but satisfying work. The animals happily munched on the feed as he pitched it over the fence.

He jumped down from the back and grabbed his canteen from where it hung next to his shirt on the fence. He'd tanned in the couple of weeks they'd been here, and his hair had lightened. He felt better than he had in months…physically anyway. When he'd stopped trying to multitask and accepted his limitations, he'd found that the fatigue he'd experienced was gone.

He opened the canteen and, after taking a healthy swig, poured the cool water over his face and bare chest. It was getting on to noon, and he needed to be heading back for lunch. His mother and Lori would come looking for him if he didn't show up soon. He grimaced. It was like having two keepers. Loving but firm, they kept him on a short leash, the two of them backing each other up.

Almost in defiance, he decided to stay a little longer and lifted himself up on the fence to sit on the top rail. He faced away from the road, his back to the house that sat just far enough away so he could at least feel he was alone. Alone, yes, he was alone all right.

The horses drifted over and one came up and nuzzled his hand, obviously looking for the sugar cubes they'd learned he carried with him. Kirk smiled and leaned over to take a few from his shirt pocket.

"Here you go." He fed them each one, liking the feel of the gentleness these strong animals conveyed. He'd always been drawn to strength, strength that was sure enough of itself to be gentle.

All right, go ahead and think it. Get it over with for the day. Once a day was all he'd allow himself to think of Spock, and of the hunger for his lover that had only grown. He wondered at himself, how he could still be so angry with the Vulcan yet miss him so much it hurt. He'd managed to fool everyone but himself.

Spock. Even the name was enough to overwhelm him. Coupled with his inability to handle even mildly stressful situations, the dichotomy of feelings he harbored for his lover was threatening to tear him apart. He still loved Spock, but he didn't know if he could ever forgive the Vulcan for abandoning him.

Yet, often he found himself reaching for his bondmate, mentally as well as physically. And that's when he would turn to Lori, in a panic over his inability to let go of the man who had left him. And she would be there waiting, taking him into herself and pushing back the loneliness and awful emptiness that inundated him. Kirk didn't know if he loved her. He didn't think so and that just made him feel worse, because he needed her, and he was ashamed of that need. What he didn't know was whether she loved or needed him.

She'd been the perfect lover. Available, making her desire for him readily apparent. She'd shamelessly courted him. Even this trip had been her idea. She wanted to get to know his family, she'd confessed. And if he really didn't feel at home here, that wasn't her fault and he'd given in to her. But did that signify love on her part? Or manipulation?

In the quiet of the early afternoon, Kirk heard the front screen door slam and turned to see his mother standing on the porch. A moment later she was joined by Lori who, with easy familiarity, wrapped her arm around his mother's waist. He waved to them and pivoted to jump off the fence. Whether from the sun or his thoughts, his head was beginning to hurt, and the jarring as his feet touched down set it to pounding.

Motes of light danced for a moment before his eyes. He leaned against the wagon until the pain receded a bit and then grabbed his shirt and walked over to the front of the conveyance. He climbed up and starting the engine. He steered it toward the barn as it slowly gathered speed. It was time to head in. They were waiting for him.

^^^^^

The sun was barely making its way above the horizon, but Spock had already been up for several hours. What little he had brought with him was already packed. He sat on the bed and watched the sky lighten while trying to control his anxiety and anticipation. He was going home.

It had been a long, hard struggle. But finally he had learned what he had come here to learn, and he was confident that he no longer posed a threat to Kirk. He could return to his bondmate, and even if Kirk never regained what he had lost, they could be together.

He had missed his lover more than he would have thought possible. Every day he had gone through the motions of living, bringing all his intellect to bear in order to be done with his task and gone from here. Spock respected the disciples of Gol, but he would never wish to be one. Their lives were sterile. All emotion had been stripped from them, even that which bound one lifemate to another. He had often wondered what horror had driven these men and women to crush that which made life worth living. For in his mind, they were like the walking dead of Earth legend. Alive, yet not.

He heard the soft knock on his door. He stood and grabbed his valise, reaching the door as it swung open. One of the nameless acolytes stood on the other side.

"Your transportation awaits you. But the High Master wishes to speak to you first. If you would follow me." The young man bowed and started down the hall without waiting for a response.

Spock fell in behind him. Why would the High Master wish to speak to him now? Apparently finding in him a strength of will to match her own, she had urged him to stay and become one of them. Their conversations had been almost confrontational as she tried to convince him. But he thought to have finally convinced her of his steadfast resolve to return to his bondmate.

Her "office," for lack of a better term, was situated on the uppermost level of the compound. Part residence, part sanctuary, it afforded a panoramic view of the desert floor below. It was on the balcony that the High Master T'Sai stood when Spock was escorted in.

Spock waited silently. One did not speak to the High Master. One was spoken to.

"You are leaving us." T'Sai's voice was strong for such a small woman.

"Yes. My task here is complete."

"And your bondmate awaits you?" She turned to look at him then.

There was something in her manner, in the stillness of her body, that Spock found disquieting. "He is on Earth. I go to join him there."

She seemed to ponder a moment before walking over to a small desk pushed to one side and picking up the envelope that sat on one corner. She turned to him but did not offer him the letter that held his attention.

"Your bondmate is much known to us, Spock. Even those of us who have cloistered ourselves in this place have heard of the legendary Admiral James Kirk."

She hesitated and Spock became even more disturbed. "Has something…happened?"

"He is well, as I understand that to mean when applied to a human. It is you that causes concern."

Spock's mouth went dry. Concern? From a Master of Gol? "Why?" he whispered.

She held out the envelope. "I do not know what is in the letter. It is addressed to you from a Winona Kirk. But there have been reports regarding your bondmate. I cannot but think that the two are somehow related. If you wish, you may read it here. I am needed elsewhere, so you will have the privacy the room affords."

Spock took the letter with a slightly trembling hand, looking at it as if it were a snake set to strike. T'Sai left him then and, once alone, he sat down on the chair next to the desk. He was suddenly terrified.

He clenched his fist, trying to still the shameful movement. Finally, he tore open the envelope. It was an announcement of some sort. Puzzled, he removed and unfolded the stark white missive inside. As if from a far place he read the words, words that made no sense to him in his shattered reality.

The paper slipped from his fingers and Spock followed it down as he slid from the chair in an ungraceful heap. Stunned, he sat motionless and waited for the tidal wave of emotion to drown him.

Yet nothing happened. He waited. The room was silent except for a noise that slowly encroached on him. Who was making that horrible sound, the low moan of anguish that seemed to get louder, to fill the room and perfectly match the agony that had suddenly blossomed within him?

With dawning horror, Spock realized it was him. He was crumbling apart as pain overwhelmed him, and he wrapped his arms around himself in a futile effort to halt his fall into the depth of despair. He closed his eyes. He knew that if he failed, it could mean his very sanity.

But he didn't have the knowledge or the experience to combat the grief that rocked him. So without conscious thought he did the one thing any Vulcan would do to assuage his anguish. His mind reached out in a panicked attempt to retrieve what was his, only to hit the black wall in Kirk's mind that he himself had helped to strengthen. Agony ripped through him. He screamed and, enticed by the promised surcease of pain, let himself be taken by the darkness that surrounded him.

Next to its unconscious victim, the announcement of Admiral James Kirk's impending marriage to Lori Ciani lay pristine and bloodless.

^^^^^

Kirk had never realized how slowly time could truly pass, not until he began to count it, the minutes ticking off into hours, the hours into days. For all his bluster, he never really believed that Spock wouldn't come back. But when the Vulcan failed to return, Kirk felt his world tilt on its axis. Nothing was as it seemed. No one could be trusted. He was on his own. And if his course had strayed onto an odd and unknown path, it wasn't hard to put most of the blame on his absent bondmate.

He closed the drawer of his desk with a shove and stood up. He'd put off leaving as long as possible. Kirk rubbed his face, exhausted. He grabbed his coat and slipped it on, and it was only on his way out the door that he remembered the small box kept in his desk for safekeeping. He retrieved it and then made his way out of the building.

It was a brisk day, and clouds were forming to the west. He shuddered slightly and hoped they weren't a harbinger of things to come. He quickened his pace, even though he was reluctant to get home. Things had spiraled out of his control and today he was going to pay for his past transgressions.

Six months had passed, and he had finally accepted the fact that Spock wasn't coming back. Kirk had found excuses at first, his own behavior being one of the biggest. But eventually, his mother's and Lori's constant harping had done its job. He had stopped waiting.

Maybe if there had been a note, a call, something to pin his hopes on. But Spock had disappeared into Gol, wherever and whatever Gol was. Kirk had stopped looking for that, too.

He passed the outer edge of the Academy buildings. A stream of cadets were was just letting out of class and Kirk stopped to watch them make their way along the paths that he had once walked. Not much had changed here, so he could almost see himself as he was at seventeen. It was with no small pride that he thought about how he had accomplished the goals he had set for himself then. He had gone to the stars.

Kirk shook his head in disgust and started on his way. He had lost the stars, too, along with the only person who had meant more to him than they did. No, he wouldn't think about that now. Not today. Not when he needed all his strength to get through what he had let himself blunder into.

At least his speech was getting better. He still tended to have trouble pulling certain words from his brain, but he managed to get his point across. Both Lori and his mother had learned to decipher his shorthand language. And since they were the only two people he saw much of, it sufficed. Today, they would just have to figure it out.

He turned the corner and saw McCoy standing at the front of his building. The doctor was dressed casually, and that brought a frown to Kirk's face. But when McCoy turned and saw him, Kirk returned the wave of greeting and hurried forward to meet his friend.

^^^^^

Light-years away, time passed just as slowly. If the days were longer, their numbers were fewer. The cooler reality of Earth gave no more surcease of pain than the heat of Vulcan. And loneliness reigned on both worlds.

Spock knelt on the barren ground and watched the sun slip below the peaks of the nearby mountains. A slight breeze ruffled the long, unkempt strands of hair that framed his face. He'd left off such mundane matters as haircuts since giving himself over to the rigid discipline of Gol. He had always been thin, even for a Vulcan. But now he was lean to the point of gauntness. Jim would not recognize him.

Jim. Why could he not keep himself from recalling the master of his downfall? A year would have passed on Earth. Kirk would surely be well ensconced in his new life…with his new bride. The human would have no thoughts for the bondmate he had betrayed.

Lowering his head until his forehead rested against the heated rock, Spock tried to clear his mind. It had been very difficult to learn the trick of turning off that part of him that held his human half. He still had trouble, though he was able to control the wayward impulses for longer and longer stretches of time. The attainment of Kholinar was slowly coming within reach.

He must have held that position longer than he knew, for the sky was ablaze with stars when he felt, more than heard, T'Lar's approach. He straightened and gained his feet, keeping his head bowed.

"Spock." The woman approached and stood at his side.

"Master T'Lar." Spock moved to her side when, with a nod, she gathered him up.

The walk back to the keep was in silence, and they were almost halfway back before she made her thoughts known.

"You have done well, Spock. Your progress has been noted."

He continued to walk, knowing that she would tell him only as much as she wished him to know.

"I had reservations about accepting you when you first asked to remain with us. I was aware of the true reason for your request. But I knew that in time you would come to see that Gol is not a place one goes to in order to hide from the world. There must be true dedication. Only then can one find the answers one comes here seeking."

Spock turned to her and saw that she was watching him expectantly. He thought over his answer before responding. "I believe my answer lies in this place. Because of my hybrid status, the complete control of emotions has proved beyond my abilities. It is my greatest wish to purge myself of these emotions so that I may achieve the perfect harmony of the Kholinar."

T'Lar nodded, apparently satisfied with his answer. She did not speak again and quietly left him when they reached the path that led to the cells of the acolytes. Spock continued down that path and entered the small room that was, and now would forever be, his home.

^^^^^

From his seat on the park bench, McCoy watched with trepidation the figure approaching him. He and Kirk rarely saw each other anymore, not since Kirk's marriage and the scene McCoy had made as he tried to talk his friend out of making the biggest mistake of his life. Kirk had almost thrown him out.

Since then they had avoided each other. And with Kirk's move up into the rarified circles of the Starfleet Admiralty, it wasn't difficult. They lived in different worlds now. McCoy would see his ex-captain from time to time at one function or another, but always at a distance. This would be the first time in over a year that they had met away from work.

As Kirk got closer, the doctor could see the changes that had occurred in his friend, changes that shocked and amazed him. Gone was the stocky, well-muscled young captain with hair bleached by the sun. In his stead was an admiral bordering on thinness, the face still unlined but hardened and drawn. The regulation cut that had allowed Kirk's hair to at least appear straight was gone, and natural curl had taken over the darkened strands. No walks in the sunlight for this man.

McCoy stood up and warily extended his hand as Kirk approached him. He was almost surprised that, after a moment's hesitation, Kirk took it.

"It's good to see you again, Jim." Not so good was the awkwardness that had never been there before.

Kirk sat on the bench and motioned for McCoy to do the same. "I don't have much time. I've got a meeting in an hour."

McCoy sat back down. Where to begin? And what was safe to talk about? He cleared his throat. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine," Kirk snapped, but then he shook his head. "I'm sorry. It's just that I'm tired of that being the first thing people ask me."

"Then I'll take that as an 'I'm feeling fine, Bones.'" McCoy tried to smile but failed miserably. It was obvious that Kirk didn't feel fine. Tension radiated from the man.

"And you?" Kirk asked. "You look good, rested."

"I've been doing research, mainly. I went back to Georgia to work for the local medical school there. It keeps me busy."

"I thought…I thought you might go back. Get back on a ship."

"No, that's over for me. I had enough excitement keeping you and your first officer in one piece for five years." McCoy grimaced. He hadn't meant to bring up Spock. But how did you have a conversation with someone when your shared past was off-limits?

But Kirk was either not paying attention or hadn't heard. "I've thought about trying to get my ship back, now that they've finally released me."

"Are you saying that you're totally recovered?"

Kirk shrugged. "Recovered enough, I guess. I still have problems with storms. And I get depressed every so often, when I think too much about how it used to be." His voice grew pensive. "So much has changed."

"Nothing that can't be changed back."

"No, there's no going back. It's too late."

"Why, Jim? You're young and healthy. It doesn't make sense, them keeping you here. Of course, I guess having a wife might create some difficulties—"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Instantly Kirk was on the defensive.

McCoy should have known better than to say exactly what he meant, but he was tired of pretending. "It means you can't very well take your wife with you. She's not trained for a position on a starship. And last I heard, you're supposed to take your spouse's needs into consideration."

"You're one to talk. It's not like you did such a hot job with your marriage."

"I'm not talking about me. And even if I were, my wanting to go into space didn't have anything to do with our difficulties. You, on the other hand, want to go back so bad you can taste it. Just exactly how is your wife taking that, Admiral, sir?"

"I never said I was going back, did I?"

"You don't have to. It's written all over your face."

Kirk sneered. "You don't know what the hell you're talking about, McCoy. I'm perfectly satisfied with where I am now."

"You just said—"

"I said I thought about it. For about ten seconds. I don't want a ship."

"Jim, you can lie to me all you want. But quit lying to yourself. You're miserable and you know it. Hell, I can tell just by looking at you. Your weight's down, your color's terrible and you look like you're about to snap any minute now. I've known you too long to think that you'd ever be satisfied anywhere but on a ship…if you're in your right mind, that is."

Kirk stood up. "I knew this was a mistake. You just won't let it go, will you? You think I'm still one of your patients, and you couldn't wait to start poking and prodding."

McCoy rose and grabbed Kirk by the arm. "So you're running again, huh? Can't stand to hear the truth? What's the matter, Jim? You afraid that I might bring up Spock? You remember him, don't you? The man you used to be bonded to?"

It was the wrong thing to say. McCoy knew that. But he had wanted to say it for so long. Accident or not, Kirk couldn't spend the rest of his life hiding from the truth. And if it meant that he was going to lose his friend, so be it. What kind of friendship was based on lies and hidden truths, anyway?

Kirk pulled violently away and turned to McCoy. His face was red and the muscles in his jaw twitched. "Don't you bring up his name again, you hear me?"

"Who? Spock? Why the hell not? Are you so far gone you're afraid of his name?"

"Don't push it, McCoy."

"Why? What are you going to do to me? Throw me out of your life like you did him? You already have, or hadn't you noticed? But why should you? You've got everything you need waiting for you at home, don't you? You don't need me. And you sure don't need Sp—"

The fist that connected with his jaw sent McCoy spiraling back. He crashed into the bench and then to the ground. The grass that cushioned his fall was slightly damp. Maybe it cooled his anger, because suddenly he was simply sad. He looked up at his ex-captain and, he guessed, his ex-friend. "I'd say that pretty much says it all, doesn't it, Jim?"

Kirk stood without moving, and McCoy saw bewilderment and pain chase each other over the admiral's face. But then Kirk seemed to collect himself and without another word turned and walked away.

McCoy sat there for a moment, trying to gather his wits and dignity. No one had seen them. Or if they had, they hadn't interfered. For that he was grateful. No sense destroying what little contentment Kirk had left with charges of assault.

He thought about getting up, but he felt old and heavy with sorrow. But finally he stood and looked down at his clothes covered with dirt and grass. He brusquely dusted himself off, as if brushing off the tattered remains of their friendship with the debris.

^^^^^

Once out of the park, Kirk would have run if he hadn't thought about the picture it would make: Admiral James Kirk racing through town like all the demons of hell were chasing him. The press would have had a field day. And publicity was the last thing he needed.

Instead he controlled the urge and walked stiffly towards home. He'd foolishly taken the rest of the day off in the mistaken belief that he and McCoy would be able to patch up their differences and get their friendship back. The lie about a meeting had been a way out in case things went wrong. He grimaced. Exactly like they had. There was so much he had wanted to talk to McCoy about, but he'd been unable to get by the anger that surfaced every time he was reminded of Spock.

So in his anger he had alienated his only remaining friend. Funny how he hadn't managed to make any more. He and Lori had been to more parties than he could count. Yet, somehow, here he was. Alone.

Kirk pondered that thought as he walked swiftly through the busy streets of town toward his apartment building. Not so very long ago, he'd thought never to be alone again.

The cold made him shiver, and he glanced up into the clear sky. The sun was directly overhead, but a breeze was coming in off the bay and Kirk pulled his coat closed. He quickened his pace and was entering his building within minutes. He had the elevator to himself, adding to his feelings of isolation. It was like being the only one left on the planet.

He exited the lift and let himself into his darkened apartment. The place was a mess. Boxes stood half packed, and he had taken to shedding his clothes as he entered so they were strewn all over the place. What difference did it make? There was no one to see it anyway. He added his coat and shoes to the growing disarray.

Lori had left him. Three weeks, four days and an odd number of hours earlier, she had finally had enough. He couldn't blame her. He'd never opened his heart to her. And once she realized that he never would, it had only been a matter of time.

He'd tried to love her. But it seemed that any love he harbored belonged to the one person who didn't want it. He'd even told her that. Maybe she thought he'd be able to finally forget Spock after the Vulcan failed to return. It hadn't happened. Instead of his love dying, it had twisted into an animosity he found himself unable to control. There was no room for anything else in his heart.

Stumbling through the semidarkness, Kirk crossed the room and opened the living room drapes. He squinted until his eyes adjusted and then headed for the kitchen. He started a pot of coffee. The drinking that had taken over his life after his accident had slowly loosened its hold on him. Caffeine was now his preferred drug of choice. As the aroma of his favorite blend filled the room, he moved off to the bedroom. He wanted to shower and change into something comfortable before calling his mother. He was going to have to tell her that he really wasn't up to a visit this weekend.

And there was a whole other story. Strange how close they'd become in the last year. That, at least, he'd had Lori to thank for. From the beginning of their marriage, she'd insisted on regular visits to the farm. So they had got in the habit of spending one weekend there every month. It didn't seem to matter to her that, as time went by, their time there was time spent in hell. Once he'd asked her about it. She had replied that, for her, it was where their relationship had really started. Kirk hadn't had the heart to tell her that, for him, the place brought only memories. And they weren't memories of her.

He entered the bathroom and turned on the shower. Steam slowly filled the room as he stripped off his clothes. He entered the stall and let the hot water pound against him. The warmth brought memories of Spock, and Kirk remembered the last time they had made love in this shower. It was right after the end of the five year mission, and in those frantic days of debriefing they had rarely had the time to sleep, much less think about sex. But that day his anger over Nogura's attempted manipulation had made Kirk short-tempered, and he hadn't been at all selective as to whom he took it out on.

Spock had asked him something. Kirk had been in the shower and had snapped out an angry retort. The next thing he knew, a very irate and naked Vulcan had pulled open the stall door and, stepping in, had shoved him against the wall. The anger had transformed into lust, and they had loved fiercely. After a long and bruising kiss Spock had spun him around and, with very little preliminary preparation, had plunged his organ into Kirk's body. Kirk couldn't remember when he had come so hard.

He scowled as he felt himself harden. He didn't want to feel good about Spock. He didn't want to forget what Spock's abandonment of him had done. He turned off the water and stepped out of the shower, savagely drying himself off as he willed his erection away. He threw on some old Levi's and a sweatshirt and padded barefoot into the kitchen.

The coffee was done and Kirk poured himself a cup before taking a seat at the kitchen counter in front of the computer terminal tucked against the wall. He pulled up his mother's number and waited. After the fourth tone, he heard the line connect.

"Mom?" Her face came into focus. It looked like she had been outside. Her hair was pulled up in a scarf, but several strands had come loose and hung around her face.

"Hello, Jim." Winona gave him a puzzled look. "I thought you'd already be on your way over."

Kirk hesitated. "I don't think I'm going to be able to make it this weekend. Things have been hectic at work. You know how it is…."

"Oh." She seemed upset. "I wish you would try. I'd really like to talk to you."

He smiled slightly. "We are talking, Mom."

"You know what I mean. It's important that we don't lose touch just because…well, just because Lori's not there anymore."

"I know." He quieted. It had been hard telling his mother about Lori. He hadn't told her much. But he knew she already had had a very good idea as to how things stood between him and his wife. His ex-wife. They had only been back at the apartment a couple of days the last time when things had fallen totally apart. And most of the final disintegration had happened while they had still been at the farm. His mother had been witness to some of the uglier scenes.

"Jim." She waited until he was looking at her. "Please, son. Whatever you have to do to get here, do it. We really need to talk. There are some things that I've wanted to discuss with you, that need to be said."

"I don't know, Mom. I really—"

"Don't. Don't cut me out. You need someone right now. And I can't stand the idea of you spending the whole weekend alone in that apartment. Please, it will do us both good."

Kirk pressed his lips together but after a moment nodded his assent. "It will take a few hours. I need to pack some things."

"That's fine. I'll have dinner waiting. How's that?"

"That's fine, Mom. I'll see you then." He reached over to cut the connection.

"Jim?"

His hand stopped. "Yeah?"

"I love you, Jim. Don't ever forget that." She looked down as if embarrassed by her words.

Kirk looked at her, intrigued by a side of her he had never seen before. "I love you, too, Mom."

The screen went dark, the call terminated from her end. He sat there a while, thinking about what had just happened. Winona Kirk was not by nature a demonstrative woman. But he had always known that she loved him. She had shown him in all the small and large things she did for him.

It had been she who had taken care of him whenever he had fallen ill as a child, her enforced discipline that had built his character. And it had been her tireless efforts to put aside money so that he didn't have to work after school, could instead use the time to study, that had made it possible for him to make the grades he had. She might not have wanted him to go out into space, but she had done everything in her power to make sure he got into the academy.

She was withdrawn and hard to know, but her steadfast support had followed him throughout his life. Until Spock. He almost laughed. Strange that she would resist him being with someone who was, in many ways, just like her. Chances were, he had been drawn to Spock's quiet support because that was what he was used to. He did laugh then. He'd always heard that a man usually ended up marrying his mother.

^^^^^

Surprisingly, his good humor held, and he actually enjoyed his drive to the farm. He ended up renting a 'car from the same place that he and Spock had gone to at the transporter station in Des Moines. The proprietor, remembering him and his companion, was happy to see him doing so well.

A hundred and sixty-seven miles away, "as the crow flies," Kirk took his time getting to the farm. It had been years since he had made the trip alone, and he relished the peace and quiet as he gave his full attention to driving. It was a cold, crisp winter's day, but the vehicle's interior was toasty warm and the soothing notes of Mozart and his contemporaries were good company. It was after five before he pulled the aircar onto the side yard of his mother's house and killed the motor.

The lights were on in the front room as he let himself in. The whole house smelled of spices and home cooking, and he smiled. For the first time in a long time, he felt like he was home. He dropped his bag at the foot of the stairs and started towards the kitchen.

"Mom?" He pushed open the door and peeked inside.

Winona was standing in front of the sink. She turned as she placed the last dish in the drainer. "You made it."

Kirk approached her and gingerly wrapped his arms around her for a quick hug. Pulling back, he eyed the stack of pots and pans drying on the rack. "Looks like you've been busy."

"Yes, and your timing's perfect. Dinner will be ready in about thirty minutes. Just time enough for you to get settled in." She dried her hands and led him back through the house.

He grabbed his valise in passing and followed her up the stairs. When she turned right at the top, he slowed to a stop. "Where are you going?"

"To your room." She gave him an understanding look. "It's okay, Jim. I think I understand now."

Kirk eyed her warily. "Understand what?"

"Why you didn't want to stay in your old room when Lori was here."

He hadn't, but he'd thought he had given a plausible reason for it. He'd gone on about how the morning sun streamed into the room far too early for Lori's tastes, and how much she would hate all the noise coming from the large tree that dominated that side of the house. He hadn't needed an alarm clock growing up. The birds had awakened him each dawn.

But he hadn't been able to stand the thought of sharing that bed with anyone else. He'd been able to replace the one in the apartment without anyone being the wiser. But how did he ask his own mother if she would replace the one in her home because it reminded him of the last time he'd truly made love with his mate? He had never been able to work up the courage. Instead, he'd forced her to open up the old guest room and he and Lori had always stayed there.

"It's one of the things I want to talk to you about," she continued. "But not right now. Come on. Let's put your things away and then you've got a home-cooked meal to end all home-cooked meals waiting for you downstairs." She lightly jabbed him in the ribs. "Put some meat on those bones."

Kirk gave her a small smile and they walked into his room. The curtains were open, and when he walked over to the window he could see the shadows lengthening across the yard. The sky was starting to darken, and a few clouds gathered to the east.

With a sigh he drew the drapes closed and turned to the nearby drawer to start unpacking.

Winona hung the small number of things that needed hanging in the closet. She reached up and withdrew a small packing box from the shelf and brought it over to him. "I found this stuff in the other room. It's not mine, so I thought it must be either yours or Lori's."

"What is it?" Kirk gave it a cursory glance as he finished putting away his things.

"A few items of clothing, some books and a small box of what I think is stationary."

"Stationary?" He chuckled. "Lori isn't the writing kind. A quick note on the computer is more her style."

"Well, whatever it is, it's all in here." She placed the box on the dresser. "I better go finish getting everything ready. Are you almost done?"

"I want to wash up a bit first. I'll be down in ten minutes or so. Is that all right?"

She reached out and squeezed his arm. "That will be perfect."

Kirk watched her leave the room, his mood again lightened by her show of affection. Something had changed between them, something that was causing her to be more open with him. He had a feeling he would find out what that something was tonight.

^^^^^

Kirk pushed away from the table and ran his hands over his stomach. "That was great, but if I eat one more bite I'm going to burst."

"I'm glad you liked it. It's been a while since I've cooked some of this stuff." She eyed the table and laughed. "It made me remember how much I dislike cooking."

"Really?" He asked, startled. "I always thought you loved to cook. You're so good at it."

She stood up and started collecting their plates. "Thanks. But I never really enjoyed it." Winona tilted her head and gave him a smile. "What I liked was how much you and your brother loved the results."

"We must have been a handful. Dad was gone so much of the time…I'm sorry. I didn't mean to—"

"It's okay, Jim. After so long, I really don't mind. That's part of what I wanted to talk about, anyway."

"Okay." He rose and started helping her clear the table. "What say we get this cleared away and then share conversation over a bottle of wine.’

They fell into a familiar rhythm, and Kirk remembered them doing this when he was a boy. His mother had never differentiated between what was "women's work" and what she taught her sons to do. It was all just work.

Afterwards they settled on the couch, the bottle of wine icing in its bucket between them. The temperature had dropped even more, so Kirk had started a fire and turned off all the other downstairs lights.

"This is nice." Kirk took a sip of wine and settled back. He knew his mother would start when she was ready, so he waited, just enjoying the comfortable silence. He didn't have to wait long.

"I was only nineteen when I met your father. It was at a nightclub in Des Moines. I had gone there with a couple of girl friends. I remember the moment George walked into the club. He was gorgeous."

Kirk gave a surprised laugh at the dreamy look on his mother's face.

Winona blushed. "Well, he was," she remarked indignantly.

"It's not that, Mom," Kirk chuckled. "It's that I've never heard you talk about Dad that way before."

"I think," she answered, reflectively, "that by the time you and your brother came along, I had forced myself to not think of him that way anymore."

"Why?"

"Because it was the only way I could protect myself." She hesitated a moment. "When we first got together, it was everything I'd ever wanted in a relationship. Your father was so attentive. He just swept me off my feet. We were married three months later. But as time went by, I started to realize how much I was holding him back."

"I don't understand."

She shrugged. "I had never been one for going out a lot. My friends had to practically force me to go that night to the club. But George was so outgoing. He loved being around people. And he had lots of friends. We were constantly being invited to someone's place, or out somewhere. After awhile, I started making excuses so I wouldn't have to go. I'd tell him to go on ahead but he'd always end up staying home with me. When he settled us on the farm, I thought it would be heaven. Except for the help, it would just be the two of us. I didn't realize that he wasn't planning on staying."

"You never talked about it, before you got married?" he asked, astonished that their relationship had never been what he'd thought it was.

"We talked about it. Or I did, anyway. I thought I'd convinced him to give up space. I was pregnant with your brother by then. I didn't want to stay here all alone. But he was resolute. Where else could he make the credits he was making? And besides," she looked squarely at her son, "he loved it out there."

"Is that why you didn't want me to join Starfleet?"

"In part. And I was worried. He died out there, all alone. I didn't want that for you."

"But I'm not him."

"Jim, you're so like him it's scary. You look almost exactly like him. Although you're probably even better looking." She smiled and leaned toward him to lightly touch his face.

"Maybe I'm like him on the outside. But I was left behind, too. I remember what it was like, him coming home for a few weeks once or twice a year. Sometimes not even that often." He looked at her, seeing a part of her he'd never imagined. "It must have hurt like hell every time he left."

"It did at first. I always loved him, Jim. But you get tired of not being first in a person's life. Once I had you and your brother, it was so easy to make the two of you the most important people in mine."

"Does this have something to do with why you didn't want me to be with Spock?"

She nodded and looked away. "I thought you'd end up feeling toward him the way your father ended up feeling toward me. And maybe that Spock would end up feeling towards you how I felt towards your father."

"Oh, Mom." Kirk shook his head. "It could never be that way between me and Spock. Why would you think that? Spock was there with me. Hell, that's the way it would have ended up being with Lori if I had ever managed to get a ship."

"I know that now. But all I could see was that you are like your father, in so many ways. It's so easy for you to be with people. They gravitate toward you. And Spock…well, on top of being Vulcan, he's so reserved. So—"

"Like you?"

"Yes," she nodded reluctantly, "like me. It's funny. In my own blundering way I was probably doing more to keep him from being hurt than you. And I hated the thought that he might learn to resent you. It threw me that he seemed so sure of himself. It didn't seem to matter to him that he wasn't comfortable around people. And it was almost as if he was proud of the fact that people liked you so much."

"He was." Kirk's throat constricted over the words, and he fell silent.

For a while the only sound was the crackle of the burning wood from the fireplace and the occasional pop of a spark. Winona got up to refill their glasses, reseating herself closer to her son.

"Can I ask you something?" She laid her hand lightly on his arm.

"Sure, sure you can."

"Why didn't Spock come back?"

Kirk shook his head. "I don't know. I wish I did."

"Didn't you ever try to find out?"

"No. I was angry. And so out of control. It's only been the last few months that I've felt like myself again. And now, it's too late."

"Why do you say that?" she asked, clearly confused.

His laugh was harsh. "Because it's been over a year and a half. I think if he was planning on coming back he would have by now."

"You don't know that."

"Yes, I do. You never really knew him, Mom. Spock isn't the unsure, socially inept person you seem to think he is. He'd never have made it as far as he did in Starfleet if he was. His father is Vulcan's ambassador to the Federation. Spock saw more, was exposed to more as a child than most people see in a lifetime. His strength, his…belief in his own worth, is part of what drew me to him in the first place. He knows what he wants, and he goes after it. If he wanted to be here, he'd be here."

"You make him sound almost superhuman," she chided.

"Because he is. And he's everything I ever wanted."

"It doesn't ever seem to make any difference, does it? Our feeling that way about someone?" Winona sighed and sat back to rest against the couch.

Kirk shrugged. "No, I guess not."

They both fell silent. Kirk wondered if she had said all she was going to on the subject when she spoke again.

"I'm sorry, Jim. For the mess I made of your life."

"It wasn't your fault he left."

Winona smiled sadly. "Wasn't it? I wasn't very nice to him when he was here. And I said some pretty awful things. If nothing else, it's my fault you couldn't go after him."

"You did what you thought was best for me. I can't blame you for that."

"Maybe you should."

Kirk shook his head, realizing with a start that he didn't want to blame anyone for what had happened anymore. He'd had enough of bitterness and regret. He smiled. "Let me tell you about the first time I met Spock…."

^^^^^

The next morning Kirk rose early and after a quick cup of coffee headed out to the barn and saddled one of the horses. He had always done his best thinking on the move, and after last night he had a lot to think about.

He started off, taking the back roads and trails that took him deeper into uncultivated land. A light snow dusted the ground and there was a thin fog. But the brisk air only invigorated him and it felt good to be alone with his thoughts.

He had laid in bed after his mother had gone to sleep, going over their conversation. They'd talked for hours. He'd told her almost everything he could think of about Spock, and he'd learned more about his mother in one night than he'd learned through all the years that he had lived with her. She was a complicated woman. But so afraid of life that she had hidden from it behind his father's sturdy ego. He wondered what his father had thought. George Kirk had married in haste. Had he truly regretted it the remaining years of his life?

And he'd never imagined that all this time his mother thought she was saving him from spending the rest of his life with an albatross around his neck. She had lived in his father's shadow and welcomed the shade. He supposed there was no other way for her to see Spock but in the same light. It had never occurred to her that the Vulcan might just shine in a light she couldn't see. There had been no shadows between him and Spock.

The path split off and Kirk pulled the reins to lead the animal toward the stream he knew ran just beyond, hidden by the trees that clustered around its banks. The sun had finally burned off the morning mist and he gave the horse its head when, smelling water, the animal started forward in a burst of speed. At the edge of the shallow rivulet, Kirk dismounted. He let the horse drink and then started walking his mount along the banks.

Picking his way through the dead wood, the leafless trees making spider-like shadows along his path, he wondered at his own easy acceptance of his present situation. He had automatically assumed that Spock didn't want him anymore, and had fought any suggestion that he was letting his hurt pride rule his actions. He smiled grimly to himself. Could it be taken as a sign of his regaining health that he could even consider the possibility that he had been wrong?

If there was a chance that he could get Spock back, why wasn't he taking it? What was keeping him here, chained to a job he hated? Even his separation from Lori had been her idea. This paralysis of the soul was alien to his nature. What was he afraid of? Because he knew that he was afraid. Afraid? Hell, scared half out of his wits was more like it. He'd gotten used to the empty darkness, and the returning light terrified him.

Once through the trees he remounted and started towards home. He let the animal break into a lazy gallop, almost as anxious to quicken the pace as the horse was. Something had been lost that night, a year and a half ago. If he was ever to get his life back, he had to find out what it was. There was no better time than now.

It seemed the best place to start was at the beginning, so Kirk spent the rest of the day refamilarizing himself with his boyhood home. He returned to the house only long enough to pack a lunch and then headed back out. His mother seemed to understand his restlessness and merely nodded her head in agreement when he told her he needed the time alone.

He visited most of the places he had taken Spock, replaying in his mind that last happy visit. Lunchtime found him skirting the boundaries of the next farm, and he chuckled in memory of a long-ago tryst with the young girl whose family owned the property. He had been enraptured by his awakening sexuality.

But even then there had been nothing parochial about his attitude. His best friend, a school chum he had had over practically every weekend, had shared in the discoveries. Though little more than mutual masturbation, it had set the course of the rest of his life. Females would come and go, but his most intense feelings would always be reserved for his close male companions. Most had not progressed to the sharing of physical intimacy. Yet they had been the mainstay of his life, and Kirk had known almost from the first that in Spock he had found his anchor.

So why had he made the totally out of character decision to marry Lori? Had the accident so unsettled him that he would disregard the patterns of a lifetime? It was as if the poles had shifted, and his magnetic north was no longer true. Deeply disturbed, Kirk shied away from the idea that he was no longer who he had been.

With a harsh jerk on the reins he turned the horse away from its path and his own mind from where his thoughts had led it. He started home, but the seed had been planted and, whether he was aware of it or not, had begun to grow.

^^^^^

Kirk made it back to the house about an hour before sundown. Winona already had their dinner started, so he went upstairs to shower and change. They were both quiet during the meal, and Kirk wondered if his mother felt the same thrill of expectancy that had him shivering inside and killed his appetite. When they both got up and put their plates on the counter, the half-eaten meal on hers gave him his answer.

"Do you want to sit outside for awhile? You could turn on the patio heater," Winona queried as she busied herself around the kitchen.

"Sure. I'd like that."

"Why don't you go ahead. I'll bring us out some hot chocolate. That should chase the chill away."

He smiled at her, remembering the many times she had done that for him and his brother. "Where's the lighter?"

She pointed to the drawer at the other end of the counter. He grabbed what he needed and made his way to the study. French doors on the side opened up and he stepped out onto a small enclosed patio. Clouds had gathered, and he sent nervous glances skyward as he lit the portable heater. That done, a flip of a switch closed the louvers on the sides of the patio so that only the screened front was open to the elements. He sat in one of the rockers, and by the time his mother appeared the chill had been dispelled.

She placed the tray on the table between them and handed his over. "Be careful. It's hot."

"Hmm, it's good." He took cautious sips and let the dark liquid warm him.

Winona dragged the other rocker closer to the table and sat down. "It's warmer in this corner."

"I know. I think the heater has seen better days."

A gust of wind blew in and Winona looked at her son with concern. "Are you going to be all right out here? It's starting to get worse."

"I'm okay. A little nervous, but I can manage."

She studied him for a moment. "You do seem better. The last time you were here…." She quieted in embarrassment.

"It's all right, Mom. I know I was pretty uptight. Things were getting really bad between me and Lori. But I guess you knew that, didn't you?"

"I was hoping it was only temporary. That with time you two would straighten it all out."

He leaned back and stared out into the building clouds. "It never would have worked for us. She was never who I wanted."

"So what are you going to do now?"

"I don't know. I know I can't go on the way I have. It's been almost two years now that I’ve been grounded. And I'm almost exactly where I was when I left the ship. Except I don't have Spock."

She hunched forward, wrapping her hands around her cup. She didn't look up. "I never really gave him a chance, never tried to get to know him. Last night…I feel like now I do, at least a little. From everything you told me about him, he doesn't sound like the kind of person who would take off without a word. Just up and leave. Maybe there's something we're both missing."

"Like what? I've gone over it more times than I can count. I don't know what I did to make him leave. All right, I know I was a real bastard to him near the end." He shrugged. "Maybe I shouldn't blame him for leaving."

Winona's head shot up and she glared at her son. "Don't say that! You were sick. He knew that. He couldn't possibly hold that against you."

"Maybe not. I don't know."

They both fell silent, and Kirk took the time to study the darkening sky. No stars. Nothing to guide him back. His anchor was gone, and he was adrift. Suddenly all he felt was rage. Rage at what had happened to him, rage at Spock for leaving. But most of all, rage at himself for sitting here, feeling sorry for himself. What the hell was wrong with him?

"I'm going to get a blanket. You want one?" His mother had stood and was looking back at him from the doorway.

"Sure." Kirk waited until she was inside. Then he got up and, pushing open the patio door, stepped out into the storm. The wind was blowing harder now, and he felt the first raindrops fall. He started walking until he was far enough away from the house that the trees didn't block his view.

He was shivering. But he couldn't have said whether it was from the cold, or fear, or anger. His hands were clenched into fists as he scanned the night sky. "Where the hell are you?" he screamed. "Did you think I'd give you up so easily?"

He started to pace, letting his rage build. It was starting to rain hard, but he didn't feel it. He didn't care about getting wet. Finally something was happening. Something was breaking loose inside.

Kirk picked up a rock and hurled it into the air, as if it could reach his absent lover. "Damn you! Why did you leave me?" His hair was matted against his brow and rain streamed down his upturned face. "You son of a bitch! I loved you!"

The silence in his mind, coupled with his illogical insistence on an answer from his absent bondmate, further enraged him. He started calling Spock every dark and ugly word he could think of. Yet beneath it all, his need for the Vulcan seemed to grow even greater until his only release was to scream out his lover's name.

"God damn you! Why did you leave me? Why, Spock?"

He stumbled and went down. The ground around him was turning into a muddy morass, and its sucking pull only worked to further infuriate him as he struggled to stand up. He started cursing the mud and the rain and his own need for the lover who wasn't there. He finally managed to get to his feet, his fury a bursting dam as he continued his tirade to the unfeeling heavens. "Where are you, Spock? Damn you, listen to me!"

"Jim!" Out of the rain his mother ran to his side, trying to get a blanket over her soaked son. "Jim, what are you doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing?" He glared at her and then turned his attention back to the sky.

"Son, come in the house." She looked nervously up. "You could get hurt again."

"No, not this time." Kirk swung around, his arms wide. "You can't hide anymore, Spock! There's nowhere you can go that I won't find you!"

"Please, Jim." Winona grabbed her son's arm and started coaxing him toward the house.

"Do you hear me? Do you?" He kept yelling out his fury, but he allowed himself to be led by her.

By the time she got him inside, he had quieted. And by the time she had dried him off and gotten him into bed, the rain had stopped. The night was clear again.

^^^^^

Kirk rolled over and snuggled deeper into the blankets. He'd dreamed of Spock. His lover was all alone on a vast plane. It was dark, but the landscape looked seared and sun-blasted. He had tried to call to Spock, but for some reason the Vulcan couldn't hear him.

Yeah, just like last night. He felt like an idiot. His mother must have thought he'd really gone round the bend. But oddly enough, he felt more aware, more in tune with himself than he had in months…years.

He stretched and pushed the blankets down. He was nude. He blushed, remembering his mother helping him undress. She had seemed unconcerned, as if he were five years old instead of pushing forty. Kirk chuckled. Probably in her mind that's the way he had acted.

Hauling himself out of the warm bedding, he headed for the shower. Fifty minutes later he was dressed and read to go. He had his suitcase open on the bed and was packing his things when he heard a soft rap on the door. "Come in."

"Are you decent?"

Kirk laughed. "No, but I'm dressed."

She opened the door and smiled at him. "Well, you look like you're doing much better this morning."

"I am." He walked over and slowly took her in his arms. "I'm fine now."

Her arms crept around him and then suddenly tightened. "I was so worried about you."

"It's okay. I think the worst is behind me." Kirk pulled back far enough to see her face. "I'm sorry for putting you through that. Unfortunately, you were the one around when it happened."

"When what happened? Jim, what happened to you last night?"

He shrugged. "I'm not sure." Releasing her, he went back to his suitcase to finish his packing.

"That's it? That's all the explanation I get?"

"I don't know what else to tell you. All I know is that something… changed. In me. Did my brain all of a sudden straighten itself out? Or did I just get tired of being at the mercy of whatever fate threw at me? I don't know." He walked over to the dresser and grabbed the small box of things she had found and brought it over to the bed.

Winona came and sat down, propping herself against the pillows. "So what now?"

"Now I return to my life. I've already figured out what, or make that who, I need. The rest should be relatively easy."

She leaned forward. "You're going to find Spock."

"Yeah." He smiled grimly. "And I'm bringing him back, even if it's kicking and screaming."

She grinned. "Somehow, I don't think that's going to be a problem. When are you going?"

"I've got a few things I have to settle first. But it shouldn't be difficult getting the time off. It's not like I actually do anything there. With any luck, I'll be on Vulcan by the end of the week. Besides," he picked up the small box of stationary and opened it, shuffling through its contents as he talked, "I still have to figure out where this 'Gol' place is." He frowned.

"What is it?"

"These are wedding announcements."

She got up and walked to his side. "Let me see."

Kirk handed them over. "Didn't you send them out from our apartment?"

"Yes." She flipped through the cards. "It was the first whole weekend I spent with you and Lori there, remember? She and I worked on them most of the time I was there."

"I wonder what these are doing here."

His mother pulled out a slip of paper from the bottom of the box. "Jim, these aren't the same."

"What aren't the same?"

"The announcements. It's a different pattern. And the receipt shows that these were bought a good six months before you two got married."

He took the box, studying it a moment before hesitantly placing it into the suitcase. "Why would she have bought these?" He rubbed his lip nervously. "Six months before…I was still with Spock six months before. I don't get it."

"Maybe you could ask her, see if she wants them back."

"Maybe. Hell, it really doesn't matter. It's not like she's ever going to need them again." He snapped the valise closed and picked it up. "I guess that's it."

"Well, breakfast is all set. I'm going to make sure you have a decent meal before I send you off. You're too thin, Admiral, sir."

Kirk laughed and followed his mother from the room. He didn't have time to worry about lost wedding announcements. He was going home. Even if it meant he had to go to Vulcan to get there.

^^^^^

Spock opened his eyes. It was dark out, and his barren cell retained little of the heat of the day. His window was no more than a hole cut into the wall with no curtain to stop the draft, and the cold had seeped in during the night. But the calm that had finally come to him was like a fine coat that wrapped him in its warmth. He was safe from the conflagration that had almost been his undoing. He was safe from Jim.

His battle had been hard fought. And there had been times when he had despaired of ever locking out the monster that clawed at his soul and made each day an ordeal. Then, only days before, the pain had finally stopped. Like a door opening, the peace and contentment he had striven so long for was suddenly there, waiting for him. He had stepped through and embraced it.

He pushed aside the thin blanket and rose from the mat that served as his bed. The cold air chilled his naked body, but he ignored the sensation. The worn cassock that was his only garment hung from a peg on the cell door. He slipped it on and exited his small chamber.

Already his fellow acolytes were getting in line for the first meal of the day. Going to the back of the line, Spock stood impassively waiting his turn. He was not overly hungry, but considering what lay in store it was only logical that he eat his fill.

After he gathered his food, he sat at the closest available chair and silently consumed his breakfast. He looked neither to the right nor to the left but kept his eyes on his plate. But he could hear the others as their spoons clicked against their bowls, and the shuffle of their feet when they departed. When he was done, he deposited his tray at the counter and proceeded back to his cell.

There were no servants at Gol. Instead, all manual work was done by the acolytes. Spock had done his share of mundane jobs, such as washing the clothes and bedding, helping in the preparation of meals, and scrubbing the floors on his hands and knees. It was considered part of their training, a form of discipline. He had done it without thought, thankful for the physical exertion that had made sleep possible.

But when his newfound peace had been noted, he was deemed ready to begin the next step of his training. Finally he was being allowed to enter the final stage of his quest for the Kholinar. He would begin the kim-dayshaya, the final separation of emotions from his being.

Arriving at his room, he immediately spied the small bundle that would be all he would carry out with him to the plains below. There he would live, scratching out an existence however he could. He would find his own food, build his own protection from the elements. Alone, there would be no distractions, no one to interfere with his single-minded pursuit. He would spend his entire energies on purging his human half. He would finally be Vulcan.

^^^^^

Kirk turned off his computer and slowly rose to his feet. He walked to the balcony of his apartment and looked out on the bay. Leaning against the railing, he closed his eyes and lowered his head into his hands. Things weren't going as easily as he had thought they would.

He had been back almost two months. And in that time he had been unable to find anything about Gol. Even his contacts at Federation Records hadn't been able to help. It was as if the place didn't exist.

His earlier optimism had slowly drained from him. And though if he hadn't sunk into the black despair that had once been his constant companion, he was finding it more difficult to hold onto any hope of regaining Spock. He didn't know what else to do. He was living in a vacuum.

It was Friday night. And like most weekends, he was alone. He had returned to San Francisco and his work, but his thoughts were light-years away.

He walked through his work, making decisions and implementing orders. He'd even made a difference in the running of Operations. Slowly, the old had given way to the new as he replaced Nogura's lackeys with people of his own choosing. The admiral hadn't liked it, but he no longer had control over him. Kirk was even a little proud of the changes he had made. It would have all been worthwhile if only Spock had been by his side.

The high-pitched tones of his com called him back inside. There was an incoming call.

"Kirk here." He left the visual off. He really didn't feel like being sociable.

"Admiral Kirk? It's Eric Damon."

Kirk had to think for a moment before placing the name. It came to him that he'd been introduced to the man by Will Decker at the last briefing regarding the Enterprise's ongoing refit. "What can I do for you, Eric?"

"I think it's more what I might be able to do for you. Will told me that you've been asking around about a place on Vulcan. Gol?"

"That's right." Kirk's pulse quickened. "Do you know something about it?"

"No, not personally. But I know someone who might. He works at the Vulcan embassy as a courier."

"Did he say that he knew about the place?"

"Not specifically. But the guy's been there for several years. If anyone would know more about the Vulcans than the rest of us, and who'd be willing to talk, it'd be him."

Kirk frowned. "For a price, you mean?"

The voice at the other end sounded contrite. "It's the best I can do, Admiral."

It was better than nothing, which was all he'd had two minutes ago. "When can I meet him?"

"He told me to tell you to meet him at the embassy Wednesday night, about fifteen hundred hours."

Kirk grimaced. That was almost a week away. "Why so long?"

"I don't know, Admiral. That's the time he gave me. Do you want to meet him?"

"Yes, I do. What's his name?"

"Uh, he really didn't want to give his name. He says he knows what you look like, and that if you were agreeable he would meet you in the foyer of the Vulcan embassy."

"I'll be there. And thanks, Eric. I won't forget this."

"No problem, Admiral. Just glad I could help."

Kirk closed the line, caught between impatience and anticipation. Finally, he had a direction. But it was so long until Wednesday!

Somehow, he managed to get through the weekend. He called in and rescheduled his appointments for the coming week, made reservations on a shuttle heading for Vulcan on Wednesday night and packed a small valise. The rest of the time he paced and tried to make time go faster.

Monday, he was in the office at sunrise. Work would speed up the day, and he threw himself into it with a vengeance. He worked his people just as hard. Monday flowed into Tuesday, while Kirk kept up the frenetic pace. When Wednesday afternoon rolled around, his staff gave a sigh of relief when he walked out the door, letting them know that he wouldn't be back for several days.

He was ten minutes early for the appointment, so he took a seat against the far wall, away from the main walkway. That gave him a good view since the foyer of the embassy was almost empty. He supposed that Vulcans didn't favor the informal meetings that kept most embassies a hive of activity. Every so often someone would walk by, and disappointment would mar his face when the person would continue on without stopping. He was beginning to think he had been stood up when an old man approached to him.

"Admiral Kirk." The man stuck out his hand.

Kirk hesitantly took it.

As if the handshake had done away with the need for any preliminary talk, the old man turned and started down the hallway that veered off to the left. "Follow me."

Kirk swiftly rose and followed the fast disappearing man down the hall to a door at its end. His contact opened the door and they entered a small broom closet.

"How much is this information worth to you?" the old man asked.

"It depends on what it is. I'm not handing over one credit until I know it's something I can use."

The man laughed. "You're just like I've heard. Well, Admiral, I'm not greedy. And it never hurts to help a fellow in need."

"Are you saying you don't want money?"

"No-o-o, I'm not saying that, exactly. But I'm willing to let you put the price on it."

"Why?"

The man shrugged. "Maybe I hope someday someone will do the same for me. Does it matter?"

Kirk studied the man. He didn't look anything like Kirk had imagined. In fact, he looked like someone's kindly old grandfather. Not someone who sold information. But Kirk didn't have anywhere else to turn. "What is it you know?"

"About Gol? That it's like a retreat. Vulcans go there when they can't stand being around us emotional humans anymore."

"Who told you this?"

"No one had to tell me. I saw it. One of the ambassador's staff members went there a few years back. He had been getting…excitable. You know what I mean? Like he couldn't control himself anymore." The old man chuckled. "I guess some of them can't take us for any length of time. Anyway, when he decided not to return to Earth, they sent all his stuff back. I was the one who delivered it to the shuttle."

"Okay, so it's a retreat. Where is it?"

"Right outside Shi'Kahr. You can see it just to the south. There's a valley at the foot of Mount Seleya. Gol is blasted into that mountain, and the valley is the only way in or out."

Kirk's excitement grew. Now he had a name and a destination. "Where do I send the credits?"

The old man walked to the door and opened it. "Put them in Damon's account. He'll know what to do with them." He stuck his head out and looked both ways before swiftly exiting the room.

Kirk wasn't far behind him. He hurried through the building and was almost to the front doors when he heard his name called. He stopped and turned to see Spock's mother standing by the reception desk.

"Admiral Kirk." Amanda said his name again, this time in greeting as he approached her.

"Mrs. Sarek." He bowed slightly. It was amazing that now that he no longer needed information from her, here she was. He had tried getting hold of her and Sarek at least a dozen times. They had always been away from Vulcan, and he had never been able to get their location out of Sarek's aides. "I didn't know you were on Earth."

"We've only been here a few days. You're looking well."

He frowned at the tone of her voice. There was ice in it. She had been on Vulcan for many years, yet this was an anger she was apparently finding hard to control. "Thank you. So are you. Is the ambassador all right?"

"Yes. Thank you for asking."

Kirk was puzzled. Her words were clipped, as if each was an effort. Yet she had called to him. "Was there something in particular you wished to speak to me about?"

She studied him for a moment and then seemed to come to a decision. "Could we speak privately?"

"Of course. Is the lounge area private enough?" He motioned to the large arrangement of couches and tables set off to the right.

She nodded and walked over to take a seat, waiting until he sat across from her to continue. "I had no intention of seeking you out while we were here, but then I saw you appear out of nowhere. I suppose I was curious as to how you were getting along. You were once very dear to my son."

He lowered his head. The words had been like a blow. "Your son is still very dear to me," he whispered.

"Strange, I had heard you got married."

Kirk looked up, unable to stop the anger the erupted at her words. "Only after Spock left me."

"How did he leave you? By going to Vulcan in order to insure your safety? You repaid him by turning to another."

He paled, remembering his first time with Lori, and McCoy's harsh words when he told Kirk about Spock's call. The doctor had been incensed at having been put in the middle. "I'll admit, I was with someone else…for a time. I was hurt and not thinking straight. He knew that. But I never would have left Spock. Never."

She stared at him for what seemed a long time, as if attempting to see the truth of his words on his face. Finally, she sighed and shook her head. "I think I always knew that. And I tried to convince him of it. I was with him the morning he left for Gol. He seemed to have every intention of coming back. He missed you so much."

"I missed him, too. I still do. That's why I'm going for him."

"Going for him? What are you talking about?" Amanda asked, clearly puzzled.

"I finally found out where Gol is. That's why I'm here." He shook his head at the question on her face. "It doesn't matter how I know. All that matters is that I'm going there and bringing him out. Whatever it takes, whatever I have to say or do to make him come back to me, I will."

"Oh, Jim." Tears filled Amanda's eyes. "You can't."

"Why not?"

"Because Spock has become a disciple of Gol. There is no coming back from that."

"What are you talking about? He went there to learn to shield his mind from the bond."

"Yes, and that's all he was going to do at the beginning. But about a month later Spock's things were returned to our home. Sarek and I were told that he had decided to stay, to become one of them."

"I don't understand." Fear filled him, and the certainty that he didn't want to hear what she was about to say.

"Those who go to Gol are lost forever. They divorce themselves from all ties to their former lives and the emotions they can no longer control." She covered her mouth to still her trembling lips.

"But if I go to him, make him see—"

"Don't you think we've tried?" Amanda cried angrily. "They won't let you in. My son is gone and I will never see him again! And all because of his love for you!"

"I don't believe that! I won't."

The anger seemed to drain from her then, leaving only a bereavement too deep to bear. "Go, then. See for yourself. But it won't do any good. He's lost to you, Admiral. Just as he's lost to me and to his father." She stood, her Vulcan taught composure once more in place. "I wish you well. I suppose if anyone can do what Sarek and T'Pau could not do, you can."

He remained seated as she walked away, her words a death knell to his hopes. He had no illusions as to his powers of persuasion. But he had no illusions as to their limits, either. If the combined force of Sarek and T'Pau had been unable to breach the walls of Gol, there was no way in hell he could.

After a few minutes he stood up. He straightened his jacket and walked out of the building. There was a bar right around the corner. He planned on getting falling-down, sloppy drunk. One last drunk before he began his life without Spock.

^^^^^

The next morning, Kirk woke with a pounding headache and a stomach in revolt. He crawled out of bed and gingerly stooped over to grab his robe off the floor as he made his way to the kitchen. He took a detox pill and started a pot of coffee before going off for a shower. The hot water felt good as it poured over his head and streamed down his body. He sat there for at least ten minutes, glad for the built-in seat, and slowly came to life. By the time he stepped out, the coffee was ready and his headache had receded to a dull ache.

He put on a pair of old sweatpants and a worn t-shirt, and after a large breakfast got to work. He began in the spare room by boxing up the items McCoy had left during his stay. After a thorough cleaning, Kirk refilled the room with Spock's things. Clothes, books and personal affects were all stored away. He made sure to get everything, going from room to room, clearing out all that remained of his lover and locking it all behind the permanently closed door.

After that, he spent his extended weekend, and most every evening from then on, keeping himself busy with projects he'd garnered at work. Work became the central focus of his world. Eventually, Operations truly became his and he felt a certain satisfaction in a job well done. Life went on, and if there was a stillness in his soul that no one could dispel, Kirk did a good job of hiding it.

He even went out from time to time. He always made sure at the outset that the woman involved understood exactly what it was he wanted. His body still craved the physical touch of another. He tried to make it pleasant for his partner, and most of the time he succeeded. He placed no demands and ceded none. He never looked at another man.

The months slipped by, and his life took on a certain pattern. He worked, kept himself fit physically and mentally, and waited, though he could not say for what. But when the call came from Starfleet headquarters of an alien entity heading toward Earth, he knew what he had to do.

^^^^^

"He must search elsewhere for his answer. He shall not find it here." The Vulcan masters turned and walked away from the rejected acolyte.

Spock reached down and picked up the symbol of pure logic T'Lar had dropped. It would have been his, proof that he had finally succeeded in divorcing himself from the emotions that had forever ruled him. He should have known better.

When the alien entity had touched his mind, Spock had been more curious than alarmed. It had roused his interest, but only so far as one might be interested in a somewhat challenging puzzle. It had not stopped him from going forward to meet T'Lar and what he considered the end of a long and difficult journey. But when he heard Jim's thoughts resounding through his mind, all he had striven for slipped through his fingers and he knew that his journey had taken a backward turn.

"You're human half is touched by it, Spock." He still felt the rebuke in T'Lar's words. She had warned him that Gol was not a place to hide, and he sensed that she had known all along that he did not have the discipline to reject the emotions that bound him to Kirk.

Spock gently placed the medallion back on the sun-baked ground. It was not for him to decide what was to be done with it. He no longer belonged at Gol. He turned and started back to his cell.

Nothing if not efficient, the masters had already had his meager belongings packed and ready to go when he reached his room. As Spock picked up the small bag, an acolyte suddenly appeared at his door. He was gathered up with a nod and followed the silent man down the long hall, around corners and through parts of Gol he had never seen, until they came to an unassuming door. He was left there without a word.

Spock opened the door into a small room. Inside he found soap and water, and a black tunic and pants. A chair was placed across the room next to another door. Socks and boots were positioned at its side. Once he bathed and dressed, he walked over and sat down. Putting the boots on, he noticed a button on the wall set at eye level. He pushed it, and heard the sound of a bolt disengaging as the door swung slightly ajar. He stood up and hesitantly pulled it open. The vast plains of the desert floor stretched before him, empty but for the small shuttle sitting ready to leave.

Spock took a deep breath, picked up his valise, and started toward the waiting ship.

The trip to his parents' home was uneventful, and Spock was glad to find it vacant when he arrived. He didn't know what he would have told them in any event. During the next two days while he was waiting for the ship he spent long hours in meditation, rarely leaving the confines of the house. He did manage to get his hair cut. Looking at himself in a mirror for the first time in over two years, he was startled at the stranger who looked back at him. There were lines cut deep into his face, and his skin was rough and sallow. He would always carry reminders of Gol.

Time crept by, though he spent some of it reacquainting himself with his childhood home. He found his room very much as it had been that day he had left for Gol. Apparently the masters had sent his belongings here when he had decided to attempt the Kholinar, because the valise he had taken with him sat undisturbed on the dresser.

Finally his departure time arrived. It took all of Spock's willpower to keep his calm and unemotional facade in place during the short voyage. He felt that if he relaxed his controls even a little, he would fall totally apart. He did not wish to make this journey. Kirk had left him for another, and Spock trembled at the thought of seeing his lover once again.

But he had no choice. Once Kirk took away his chance to achieve the Kholinar, Spock needed something else to turn to. The thoughts of pure logic he had felt from the alien entity had suddenly stood out in stark relief. It would take the place of what he had lost, and give him the answer he had not found at Gol. But the only way to the entity was through Kirk. And listening to the Enterprise's transmissions to Starfleet on the long distance shuttle he had procured, he knew his appearance would be welcome, if only for his expertise.

The last minutes were the worst. Spock stood rigidly waiting for the docking procedure to end and was at the doors when they slid open. He barely noticed the man he spoke to. He may have been familiar, but Spock held himself too tightly in check to think about it. To all outward appearances, he walked calmly through the corridors of the ship.

He entered the turbolift and ordered it to the bridge. Spock used those last remaining seconds to pull his shields fiercely around him, cloaking himself in the discipline of non-emotion he had fought so hard to gain. The lift stopped and the doors opened.

Spock walked unto the bridge and stopped just outside the turbo doors. He heard a gasp somewhere off to his side, but his eyes were fixed on the man sitting in the center seat. He watched the human swing around and see him, stand up and call his name.

"Spock!"

^^^^^

"Spock!" Kirk couldn't say any more, could only stand and hold onto the railing while he drank in the sight of the one person he had never thought to see again. He was here, Spock was here and they didn't seem to be able to break the gaze that locked them together.

Finally Spock turned away and started toward the science station. "Commander, if I may…."

"I…oh…." Decker looked stunned, but vacated the chair.

Spock sat down, and Kirk followed him with his eyes. He was afraid that if he looked away Spock would disappear.

"I've been monitoring your communications with Starfleet, Captain. I'm aware of your engine design difficulties. I offer my services as science officer." Spock looked up at Decker. "With all due respect, Commander."

Kirk tried to keep from smiling, but it was so like Spock, and he was so happy. He finally pulled his gaze away from his bondmate to his first officer. "If our exec has no objections…."

Decker looked almost relieved. "Of course not. I'm well aware of Mr. Spock's qualifications."

"Mr. Chekov, log Mr. Spock's Starfleet commission reactivated. Log him as science officer…both effective immediately." Kirk could barely contain his joy. He wanted to rush up to the Vulcan and take him in his arms and never let go. He hardly noticed when McCoy and Chapel entered.

"Well, so help me, I'm actually pleased to see you," McCoy beamed as he and Chapel came up to the science station.

Spock turned and looked at McCoy but didn't say a word. It was as if he didn't even know the doctor, and the first tendrils of dread crept down Kirk's back. In the joy of the moment he had momentarily forgotten what Amanda had told him all those months before. When Spock redirected his gaze to his bondmate, Kirk felt like he had been doused with cold water.

"It's how we all feel, Mr. Spock." Uhura was the only one to speak as the Vulcan started off the bridge".

Spock halted at the turbo doors and turned back to Kirk. "Captain, with your permission I will now discuss these fuel equations with the engineer."

Kirk studied him a moment before slowly nodding his head, his bewilderment leaving him mute. It was only as Spock turned and entered the turbo that Kirk found his voice. "Mr. Spock."

Spock stopped but did not turn around.

"Welcome aboard." Kirk tried to put all his love and happiness at seeing his bondmate again into what he was saying, but the anger and hurt refused to stay buried and his words were heavily laced with irony. It didn't seem to faze the Vulcan. He left the bridge, and the turbo doors closed behind him.

Kirk looked at McCoy. He didn't know what to say, didn't really know what to think. Now that Spock was out of the room, Kirk felt deflated, empty. Of all the different ways he had imagined seeing Spock again, this was not the way it had ever occurred to him it would play out.

^^^^^

Less than twenty-four hours later, Kirk was still reeling from the changes that had come about between him and Spock…and between what was and what had been.

Safely ensconced in the OD, he gazed toward the black of space that filled the large windows. It was a view he had never tired of. But at this moment its beauty was lost on him. He leaned back in his chair and reached for the glass on the table next to him. He took a swallow and closed his eyes.

They had done it. Earth was safe, and all was right with the world. At least, that's the way it should be. But for Kirk, there was still one more step before everything would be all right with his. Things had changed greatly in a matter of hours. But he still wasn't with Spock.

The Vulcan was in his quarters, getting the well-deserved rest he so desperately needed. But he would report to Kirk's quarters at eighteen hundred hours…two hours from now. Between now and then, Kirk had to figure out a way to let go of all the hurt feelings he still harbored. He wanted Spock back. He didn't care anymore that the Vulcan had left him. Spock had returned, and Kirk wasn't going to let him go again.

But he had been on a roller-coaster ride ever since Spock had walked onto the bridge. And the Vulcan's remark about his presence being to their mutual advantage had hurt. Kirk had tried to push their problem to the back of his mind during the emergency. Mostly he was successful. But when Spock took his hand in sickbay, it had reawakened all his hopes. So what did Spock want?

Kirk opened his eyes at the sound of the OD's doors opening. He looked over and saw McCoy at the entrance. The doctor smiled and started toward him when he saw his captain.

"I see you began without me." The doctor took the chair on the other side of the small table. He picked up the bottle and poured himself a drink.

"Just one for me, Bones. My day isn't over yet."

"I thought the ship was on a little jaunt to work out the kinks. What's there for you to do?"

Kirk looked down at the glass in his hands. "I still need to talk to Spock."

McCoy slid back in his seat. "What's there to talk about?"

"What do you mean, what's there to talk about? We've got lots to talk about."

"I don't know, Jim. Seems to me everything that needed to be said got said in sickbay."

Kirk blushed. "We were pretty obvious, weren't we?"

McCoy laughed. "I'll say. It's lucky Chris has gotten over her crush on him, the way you two were mooning over each other."

Kirk chuckled. "I never thought I'd hear him talk to me that way again. And when when he touched me, Bones, I swear I could feel him. It was…." He shook his head and quieted.

"So what's the problem? I don't understand why you're not with him right now."

"Bones, what if that's not what he wants?"

"Don't be ridiculous. Of course that's what he wants. You heard him. His life was barren without you…without the 'simple feeling' he shared with you."

Kirk shot up and started pacing, the half-full glass in his hands almost forgotten. "I thought I knew what he wanted before. He still left. What's to keep him from doing it again?"

"Jim, even Spock's not that dense. I think he's figured out what it is he needs to be happy-you. And as for why he left, why don't you just ask him?"

"Oh, I plan to, Doctor. But I'm scared stiff at what his answer might be. I want him so bad it hurts. And I'll do whatever I have to to get him. But all my intentions don't mean a thing if he doesn't want me back, too."

"Jim, did it ever occur to you that Spock might have been just as affected by what happened to you as you were, and that it might have had something to do with the way he acted, why he left and didn't come back?"

"It occurred to me, later, when things started to make sense again. The bond had gone mute, but it was still there."

"And now? Is it there now?"

"I don't know. I think so. Why?"

"Well,consider this. You said that when he touched you, you could 'feel' him. Could you tell what he was thinking?"

"No, I think it's been too long. We've both gotten used to screening each other out." Kirk shrugged and took another sip of his drink.

"Because you were told not to meld," McCoy responded.

"Right. And I still don't know what will happen if we do."

"Okay. But that being the case, he must have felt something from you, too. He certainly didn't act like it was something he found distasteful."

"I know, and I keep telling myself that. If the bond being disrupted was causing us both problems…."

"It would make sense. Neither of you must have been thinking clearly." McCoy sighed. "Poor Spock. That was driving him crazy, you know. I'd never seen him so wound up. You know he's confused when he comes to me for advice."

Kirk turned his head to the doctor. "Bones, can I ask you something?"

"Sure, ask away."

Kirk hesitated. "When he and I first got together, you never really said anything. Did you ever—"

"Think you had lost your mind?" McCoy chuckled. "Sure I did. You know, Spock and I have never gotten along that well. It's not that I don't like the man, I do. Underneath all that non-emotion crap, he's a pretty special person…and don't you dare tell him I said that, because I'll deny it to my dying day. But liking him, and loving him the way you obviously do, are two different things. I just couldn't see it. I mean, I couldn't wrap my mind around the idea of you two together that way."

"What way? You mean as lovers?"

"That was part of it, sure. But it was more than just the physical part I had reservations about. Even though you can be just as controlled as he is, I still figured you needed the emotional responsiveness most of us want from a partner."

"You never said anything."

"It wasn't my place. He was who you wanted, so I tried to be happy for you, both of you. But then a funny thing happened. I could see how happy you truly were. And as time went by, you seemed to get even happier. I swear, Jim, there were times I felt like saying something nasty just to get that smug, satisfied smile off your face."

Kirk grinned, remembering how it had been. "He gave me everything I needed, Bones. And there wasn't anything I couldn't do so long as I knew he was there, backing me up, adding his strength to mine. I was a good captain, I know that. But he made me the best." He sobered. "That's why I wonder if he was disappointed in his half of the bargain."

"That's poppycock. He was lucky to get you. I know, I know, he's a genius with the strength of Hercules. But you're no slouch yourself. Don't forget that."

"I hope you're right, Bones. I know I have a lot going for me. I'm not saying all this to be modest. But still…I wonder."

McCoy got up and joined his friend at the transparent wall. "He won't be able to resist you." He clicked his glass against the one in Kirk's hand. "Any more than I could stop being your friend."

Kirk grinned. "Did I ever tell you how sorry I was for hitting you?"

The doctor rubbed his chin and shook his head ruefully. "No, but apology accepted. Now go get your talk over with so things can finally get back to normal."

"Doctor's orders?" Kirk lifted his glass in salute.

McCoy smiled. "Doctor's orders."

^^^^^

Spock stood outside his captain's door. He'd been there for several minutes. He didn't know how he would respond to Kirk, this first time alone with him, and he was in no hurry to find out. But finally he pressed the buzzer for admittance and was taken slightly aback when the doors instantly opened.

He walked in and the first thing that caught his attention was the sterility of Kirk's quarters. When Spock had first come aboard he hadn't had the time, or inclination, to really look at his own cabin, much less that of his captain's. But now, with his emotions brought so completely to the surface, he was dismayed by the muted coldness of the ship. Kirk belonged surrounded by light and color.

"Take a seat. I'll be right with you." Kirk was nervously rifling through the myriad computer discs that cluttered his desk.

Spock sat on the chair Kirk had placed to the side of his desk and waited. It wouldn't take long. Although Kirk gave the appearance of being busy, Spock knew this man's habits far too well to be fooled. His captain was playing for time, obviously as unsure as Spock was about what tonight's outcome would be.

Did Kirk truly wish him to stay? Spock had since read of Admiral Ciani's death in the ship's record logs. But that death did not negate Kirk's original duplicity. Spock did not know if he could stay, no matter what he had said on the bridge. He had regretted those words almost as soon as he had spoken them. He wished there were more time to deal with his conflicted feelings. But Kirk had never been one to run from anything, no matter how unpleasant. Whether Spock wished it or not, their time was now.

"I read your report. There are a few things I'm not totally clear on." Kirk had pushed aside his work to fold his hands on the desk. But his eyes remained shadowed, his gaze locked on the hard surface before him.

One eyebrow rose in surprise. "I believe I reported the events as they occurred. What is it you do not understand?"

"I'd like more details on how you and Mr. Scott managed to clear up the problem with the warp engine's fuel balance."

Spock frowned. His report had been both thorough and concise. Nevertheless, he would attempt to give a more adequate response. "The latest simulator formulas and engine data compiled by the computers were relayed to me by Mr. Scott. I was able to use them to devise an intermix formula. Since the simulator runs were already under way…." He droned on, reciting, almost verbatim, the words Kirk had read only hours before. "With the status monitors on line for another attempt into warp speed—"

"Why did you leave me?"

The question was sudden and without preamble. It caught Spock off guard and left him speechless. He stared stupidly at his captain.

"Damn it, answer me."

He finally found his voice. "I did not leave you. It is you who left me."

Kirk's head came up and he glared at Spock. "What the hell are you talking about? I was on Earth, in our home! You were the one who took off for Gol."

"Yes, I left for Gol…in order to protect you."

"From what? Oh, I remember now. If you touched my mind, I'd go crazy. Isn't that the way it went?"

"I did not know how we would be affected by a meld. I was unable to control my," Spock grimaced, "my desire for mental contact with you. There was no other choice but for me to leave."

"You didn't even bother to tell me. You just up and left."

"I knew how you would react. But McCoy informed you of what had transpired the last time I touched you. Surely you understand how dangerous my presence had become to you."

"That's what I kept hearing. But I didn't believe it then, and I don't believe it now," Kirk angrily replied. "You weren't even willing to take a chance. And what about what I wanted? Didn't that count for anything?"

"You were ill. I deemed it best that I take steps to guarantee our well-being. Was that so wrong of me? In any event, your mother would not have allowed it."

"She couldn't have done anything about it once it was done. I'd have either been dead or perfectly capable of speaking for myself…or didn't you think of that?"

Spock felt his controls slipping the longer Kirk's attack went on. Somehow he had gone from being the aggrieved party to having to defend his decisions. "I did what I believed was best for both of us," he responded, tightlipped.

"So you went to Gol. What happened? Did you decide it wasn't worth the trouble to come back?"

Spock stood. He was shaking. No discipline in the world could have kept his anger in check any longer. "To what? A bondmate who betrayed me at his first opportunity?"

"I betrayed you?" Kirk was practically yelling. "How do you figure that?"

"Did not your marriage constitute betrayal?"

"My marriage? What does my marriage have to do with you abandoning me?"

"Was I to look the other way while you conducted another relationship? Did you actually believe I would return after you had taken another?"

Kirk glared at Spock. "Don't you dare use my marriage to excuse what you did. You had been gone six months by then!"

Six months? Spock couldn't believe what Kirk was doing, that he would twist the truth to conceal his own duplicity. "It was not six months."

Kirk came up off his chair so that they stood inches from each other. The human's face was red with anger. "No, it was more like seven."

"Jim, do not lie to me. I had been gone but a short time when you decided to take a wife."

"Now who's lying?"

"I do not lie." Suddenly deadly calm, Spock withdrew the piece of fine stationary from his pocket and offered it to Kirk.

He had felt anew the pain of betrayal when, opening up his valise at his parents' house, he had found Kirk's wedding announcement tucked neatly in a side pocket. It had occurred to him to destroy it in the illogical hope that it would somehow release him from his despair. But he had been unable to do so. He had carried it with him as a talisman of sorts. He would use it now to confront Kirk with the physical proof of his perfidy.

"What's this?" Kirk eyed the paper suspiciously.

"Take it. It belongs to you."

Kirk warily accepted the missive and began reading. His hand started shaking as puzzlement slowly turned to horror, and he stumbled back into his chair. He looked up at Spock, his expression one of stunned disbelief. "When did you get this?"

Spock had not expected this reaction, and it served to lessen his anger. Kirk was obviously surprised and legitimately upset. "The day I was to return, approximately seven standard weeks after I first left Earth."

Kirk let the paper drop to the floor. He rested his elbows on his knees and cradled his head in his hands. "Damn her, damn her all to hell."

"Jim?" He could barely make out Kirk's words. The human's voice was husky with pain and a wordless rage. Spock pulled his chair closer and sat down next to his bondmate. "What is it?"

"Why would she do it? Why?" It was as if Kirk hadn't heard him.

"Your mother?"

Kirk didn't look up, but the noise he made was dark and ugly. "No, not my mother. Oh, Spock."

"Jim, what is wrong?" Spock was becoming alarmed.

Kirk only shook his head, as if afraid to speak. Finally he sat up. "I should have known you wouldn't leave me like that. But I was so confused, so sure that what they were telling me was the truth. I knew she wanted you out of my life, but I didn't think she would stoop to this."

"Who?"

"Lori. She and my mother kept saying that you weren't coming back. And then when you didn't…. Spock, I didn't marry Lori until six months after you received this."

Spock straightened as the enormity of what had been done to them hit home. "You are sure of this?"

"Yes, I'm sure! My mother found the box of announcements about six months ago, along with some other stuff Lori left at her house.” Kirk brought his head back down, overcome with despair and outrage.

Spock didn't know what to say. He sat, immobile, as his rage flared white-hot. Each had been tricked into believing the other false, maneuvered into lives they would never have dreamed of living. He trembled at the thought of what both had suffered as their paths had diverged. He finally managed to gain some control. "Why would she do this?"

"I don't know." The words were softly said as Kirk seemed to intently study his own hands held tightly before him. "Maybe I was a challenge of sorts. The first time we met I told her how much in love I was with you. Oh, I didn't tell her your name, but I think she knew." He shook his head. "I even suspected she was from Nogura, yet in all our time together I never confronted her about it. Maybe I didn't want to know. And later…I was so angry at you, Spock."

"As I was with you. My mother pleaded with me to return to Earth before it was too late. I ignored her warning. Even knowing that you were ill, I refused the suggestion that the damage done to you might leave you vulnerable to coercion. Even now, I do not know why."

"Bones seems to think our behavior was caused by my accident. Maybe he's right. I hope so, because I'd rather believe that than that we were both such fools as to let anyone or anything keep us apart for almost three years. God, when I think about what we've both been through…."

Spock looked down at his bondmate. He could feel the anger radiating from the human, and it fed his own. But there was sorrow there, too. And deep regret. He let the emotions wash over him, and his own anger died. They had already lost too much time.

In one sure movement, Spock slid forward off the chair to settle on his knees between Kirk's legs. He used his strength to unclasp Kirk's hands and then slipped his arms around his captain and pulled him close. Kirk hesitated only a moment before returning the embrace. His hug was desperate, his fingers clawing into Spock's back.

"T'hy'la, let it go. It is done and past. All we have is the here and now, and all the years to come," Spock whispered into Kirk's hair.

"I don't know if I can." Kirk's words were muffled. "When I think of how close we came to never being together again…."

"But we are together now, are we not?" Spock pulled back, forcing Kirk to look at him. "Are we not?"

Kirk slowly nodded his head.

"I have missed you so much. The barrenness of that life is incomprehensible to me now, as is the idea that I could ever have thought to erase you from my mind, my life. Jim, I do not wish to squander what we have been given back in recriminations and regrets."

Kirk studied him a moment. Finally, the innate ability for quick decisions he had always relied on seemed to hold sway, and he brought his arms up and around Spock's neck. With a gentle pull Kirk brought his mouth to Spock's.

Then they were kissing, deep, hungry kisses that shattered any remaining barriers between them. Spock felt as if he were drowning in the tidal wave of emotions emanating from Kirk, emotions that exactly matched his own as they redoubled back and forth between them.

He felt Kirk bury his hands into his hair and his head was pulled down harder so that their mouths were crushed against each other. Spock held the human against him and stood, bringing them both to their feet. Their bodies pressed tight, Spock could feel Kirk's hardened organ. He brought his hands down to grab Kirk's ass and pulled him closer still, until their cocks strained against each other.

Kirk pulled back with a gasp. "The bed."

In an awkward dance, their mouths again devouring each other, they made it across the room to the sleeping area and collapsed onto the bed. Spock let go of his lover only long enough to remove his tunic while Kirk shrugged out of the formfitting shirt. Then they held each other once again, and Spock let his hands relearn the muscled contours of his long absent lover.

His fingers brushed across the human's chest and felt Kirk's nipple harden under his caress. He could feel his lover's hands stroking down his back, the blunt fingers working into the waistband of his trousers.

"We still have too much on," Kirk murmured. He punctuated his remark by tugging at Spock's pants.

Spock slid off the human and stood at the foot of the bed. He leaned down and, with an impatient tug, pulled the bottom half of the uniform down Kirk's legs.

"Get those damn things off." Kirk managed to get his pants the rest of the way off while watching Spock struggle with his own.

Spock tore at his garments, disliking even more the uniform's confining drabness. But once he managed to get them off, he quickly rejoined his bondmate on the bed. He insinuated himself between Kirk's spread legs so that their cocks lay heavy against each other. It was a homecoming.

"God, I never thought I'd feel you against me again. I could lie like this all night." Kirk wrapped his arms around Spock's waist. With their bodies now in full contact, the immediate urgency seemed to dissipate.

Spock smiled. His mind and body were crying for completion, but he understood Kirk's reaction. It was his own. Now that he finally had his lover back, he wished to revel in the feel of the smooth, hard body beneath him. "I have missed you also."

"Just 'missed,' Spock?"

Spock propped himself up on his elbows and gazed at his returned lover. "More than missed." He ran his fingers though Kirk's hair and currents of thought flowed into his mind. "I was empty."

"And now?"

"Now?"

Kirk shrugged. "I think I'm finding it hard to believe. You're here…to stay. But where do we go from here?"

"I do not understand. I assumed, perhaps wrongly, that we would return to the life that was ours…before."

"I want that, more than anything I've ever wanted. But I want all of it back. Not just the physical."

Spock looked away. "You are speaking of the bond."

"That's right. Something's going on between us. I can feel the bond. I think I've been able to for a while now. You must have felt something, too. In sickbay…and now."

"I have shielded myself from you for so long. What I feel now frightens me. I need you so desperately, Jim. But I do not wish to harm you."

"If we're going to be together, it has to be understood that there's no turning back for us. We're in it all the way. I have to believe that everything will be fine. But if for some reason—"

"It harms one or both of us…."

Kirk grabbed Spock's chin and forced him to look at him. "Then we'll deal with it, the way we've always dealt with things…together. Come on." He nudged his hips slightly up to press his groin against Spock's. At the same time he took one of Spock's hands and positioned it on his face. "It's past time."

Spock didn't protest. He had never been able to hold himself apart from this man. There was no sense in continuing to try. And it was what he wanted, too. They would live or die together. He brought his head down, placing his lips against Kirk's as he sent his mind out to seek its mate.

There was a glowing warmth that seemed to lead the way. Kirk's mind was there, waiting for him, and Spock slipped into it like a ship into its home berth. The bond flared fully to life. All that they had been, they were again. And suddenly Spock understood that their instincts had been right all along. There could never have been danger from this. The bond gave only life and love. It was who they were.

He heard Kirk moan and Spock dropped his hand away to wrap his arms around his lover. He buried his head in the small of Kirk's neck and then they were moving together, their bodies in a synchronization of pleasure.

"Dear god, yes." Kirk brought his legs up and used them to pull Spock ever more tightly against him.

He was lost in the feel of it, in the long awaited touching, holding. The coolness of Kirk in his arms was like a cold flame, burning him up. The human's hands on his buttocks, urging him on, sent the flames even higher.

Spock didn't know how long he could hold back. He wanted to bury himself in Kirk, to once again feel the overpowering bliss of possessing this most desirable of men. He turned his head and whispered into the shell-like ear. "Jim, please…."

The motion below him stopped. With an awkward movement, Kirk twisted in his arms and leaned over toward the drawer next to the bed. When he lay back down, he offered the tube of lubricating gel to Spock. "Yes."

He lifted an eyebrow in surprise. Kirk only gave a slightly embarrassed shrug and placed the tube in Spock's hand. Spock came up on his knees to kneel between his lover's legs. He could see a glimmer of delighted anticipation in Kirk's eyes.

The human watched him stroke himself as he coated his organ. He smiled and pushed Kirk's legs up against his chest to expose the tight orifice. With slick fingers, Spock prepared his lover as he stretched the human's anal muscles with a scissoring motion.

"Oh, Spock."

His name was half moan, half plea as he stroked Kirk's prostate. He buried his fingers into the cool body and brought his lover to a fevered pitch with the internal caresses. The lean hips pushed up to meet the seductive onslaught.

"Now, do it now," Kirk gasped.

Spock carefully pulled his hand back and leaned forward to rest his weight on one arm. He positioned himself against the opening and slowly slid in.

"Oh, god," Kirk groaned as he opened himself up to the invading shaft. He grabbed Spock's ass as if trying to hurry his entry. Almost fully sheathed, Spock pulled back, leaving only the tip of his cock imbedded.

"Don't stop. Damn it, Spock, don't stop!" Kirk grabbed for his lover, crying out when Spock suddenly lunged back in and started to fiercely piston into him.

"Jim, oh, Jim." Spock chanted his lover's name as he buried himself over and over in the welcoming body. The human lifted his ass at each thrust, meeting the engorged cock as it filled him.

They were in a maelstrom of motion as their bodies slammed together, their coupling frenzied and violent. It was as if they sought to destroy all the pain and anger that had ruled them for the last two years in one frantic merging.

In the midst of it all their minds became one, and the powerful responses of their bodies doubled back so that each felt as the other. Spock felt himself filled as he plundered the body beneath him, felt Kirk overwhelmed by the phantom tightness sheathing his cock. Their hips pistoned all the harder, so caught were they by the dual sensations.

With a wild cry, Spock came. He shuddered as his cock spasmed out its load into the tight channel. Kirk's anal muscles contracted around his organ as the human orgasmed, milking the last drop of semen from him.

They stayed locked together as they regained their breath. Only when Spock's organ slipped from Kirk's body did he crawl off his lover to lie at the human's side. Both of them were slick with sweat and semen, but neither made a move to get up.

"Are you okay?" Kirk finally asked.

Spock turned his head to look at his bondmate, too tired to lift it. "Quite."

Kirk grinned. "Yeah, me, too."

After a few minutes, Spock finally turned on his side and tugged at the blankets pushed to the foot of the bed. He was about to use the sheet to clean himself off, but on second thought decided against it and leaned over to grab Kirk's underwear.

"Gee, thanks," Kirk gently chided.

"It can be washed." Spock finished cleaning himself and then started on his lover. Once done, he tossed the garment on the floor and lay back on the bed, the covers snug around them. He pulled Kirk into his arms so that the human's head rested on his chest.

"We still have a lot to talk about, you know," Kirk said around a yawn.

"And we will talk. But the worst is behind us now."

Kirk lifted his head to gaze at his lover. "Smooth sailing, huh, Spock?"

Spock smiled. "Yes, Jim. Smooth sailing."

 

Finis