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"Had to be me. Someone else might have gotten it wrong."
It’s all Shepard could hear on the shuttle back to the Normandy. That last moment with Mordin as he stepped into the elevator. He seemed so at ease with the decision, and she felt absolutely sick to her stomach. She should feel elated, the genophage is cured. The Krogan are going to help the Turians. She’s getting earth the help they need. But she feels hollow and wrung out. Everything always seems to have a price.
EDI was sitting next to Steve as he flew, so she was alone with Garrus. Neither of them saying anything, though she knew he was worried about her. She knew he would wait until they were alone before talking to her, so she just would have to avoid being alone with him. She didn’t want to talk about this.
“Had to be me. Someone else might have gotten it wrong.”
Maybe they should have gotten it wrong. Maybe she should have told Mordin not to… No. Of course, she had to choose the cure, the Krogan deserved it. She was just so sick of losing people, good people, to decisions she made. Her hands were beginning to shake and her leg had started bouncing as she grew restless. She needed to get off this shuttle. She needed a drink, or to cry. Or to punch something. Vega might be willing to dance again.
“Joker, we’re approaching the shuttle bay.” Steve’s voice sounded so loud after the near hour of silence.
“Copy that.” Came the reply. Nothing snarky. He must have known it wasn’t the time, which had her both grateful and frustrated. She need normalcy, she needed to feel like things were the same, even though she knew they weren’t. She couldn’t afford to be drowned under these emotions.
Swallowing hard, Shepard rose from her seat. The moment they had docked and the door opened she was out and moving toward the elevator. “Traynor, get Hackett in the comms room, I’m on my way up.”
“Sure thing Commander.”
She reached the elevator before Garrus had had a chance to get half way across the shuttle bay. She averted her gaze as she hit the button to close the doors. She needed to speak to Hackett, it was urgent. Garrus could wait.
The debrief was hard, the doubt that she had made the wrong call kept slipping in. She was stuck between a rock and a hard place, and Hackett couldn’t even confirm she’d made the right choice. After signing off with Hackett she moved into the war room to update the Primarch, unsurprised but uneasy to see Garrus standing there with him. She almost thinks she can bypass him and continue walking out with Victus, until he stops right next to Garrus giving her no option to avoid a conversation with both of them. Unless she wanted to try and actually run from him, but that would raise a lot of other questions, and he’d give her that puppy dog look thinking he’d done something wrong. Nothing made her feel more guilty and fold quicker than that look.
“I’ll start managing Turian support right away, Shepard. You must be exhausted.” He says as she tries to subtly sidle past him. He sounds… hesitant. Like he’s dealing with a spooked animal. “Mordin dying… it can’t be easy.”
She flinches slightly, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” Is what she says, harshly and without looking at him.
She hears him take a breath, “we both know you need a clear head to win a war. There’s no room for mistakes here.” She’s already made so many her mind fills in. She is exhausted though. Down to her bones. She knows Garrus is right. And if their roles were reversed, she would be saying exactly the same thing.
She vaguely hears him saying “I know where you sleep. We’ll wake you if anything comes up,” and decides that it’s not worth fighting him. Sighing she responds… something. She isn’t quite sure what comes out of her mouth, before moving away and towards her cabin. Hoping that at the very least, she can cry in private for a few hours.
The moment her cabin doors close behind her Shepard feels the tears she’s been keeping at bay start to spill over. She quickly chokes out, “EDI I require privacy,” a term she had pre-negotiated with the AI for when she wanted to be left totally alone, including from the AI herself. Shepard vaguely registers a “logging you out” as she collapses onto the floor by her desk, unable to hold herself up any longer. The tears begin to flow freely as she sobs.
Why? Why Mordin? He was brilliant and kind, there was nobody who could lose her in conversation and simultaneously keep her so captivated. Having him on the suicide mission began as a necessity and turned into dependence. She relied on him, she trusted him, she learned from him. She knew war was unfair but just once, just once she wanted to make a decision that didn’t result in a friend dying. The pain was wrenched from her in a scream as she pounded into the floor with her fist. She felt raw and exposed and so completely alone.
She had a whole team behind her, friends who had been with her for years, and some who had only been with her a few weeks. Who would be next on the chopping block when she had to make a call? Whose life would she give for the sake of diplomacy? She couldn’t be counted as their friend when she was so readily leading them to slaughter. What kind of friend does that? A terrible one.
She’s not sure how long she cries curled up on the floor, she thinks at least an hour from how stiff everything feels, but eventually she stands and moves to her couch activating her omnitool as she goes. The pain in her chest hasn’t lessened. She feels raw and vulnerable and like she’ll never be happy again. This is her constant, this sadness. This guilt.
She brings up the recording she has of Mordin singing Gilbert and Sullivan. “I am a very model of a Scientist Salarian…” she sets the audio to repeat and just listens as he sings. Tears still steadily streaming down her face. She’s so exhausted, and the crying has made it worse. She curls up on the couch and can barely keep her eyes open.
***
As Shepard walks out of the war room Garrus lets out long breath, holding onto the railing in front of him. He didn’t know what else to do. Shepard was hurting, a lot. She was tired, angry, and in pain. And there was nothing he could do about it. She had always been one to handle things on her own, never really let anyone else see how she was feeling. He tried, during their Cerberus days, to be there for her. But 6 months apart seems to have regressed his ability to comfort her.
Garrus made his way out of the war room and towards the elevator, momentarily contemplating checking on her, but knowing that it would be unwanted went to the crew deck instead. Whilst their reunion had been… passionate? Joyous? Confusing? Garrus didn’t actually know where they stood. There hadn’t exactly been time between him boarding and organising the trips to Tuchanka. Not with all the other errands the Alliance had her running.
Not to mention any time they were on the Citadel she seemed to head straight to the hospital, straight to Kaidan. He hadn’t brought it up with her, didn’t really know how. But he knew she had cared for him, and had suspicions that if Kaidan had come with them on the Collector mission she would probably still be with him. But she wasn’t. Right? He was fairly sure whatever was between them was over. Probably? The plain truth was he didn’t know and didn’t know how to ask Shepard about it. Not when there was a war on and a question like “do you like me more than Alenko?” would be seen as trivial at best. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer anyway.
Entering the main battery Garrus paused. He turned to EDI’s console in the room and said “EDI, can you let me know once Shepard is… ready to speak to people?”
“Will do, Garrus.” The AI replied.
He hoped that by the time Shepard was ready to talk he would have figured out what to say. In the absence of that, he might just send Liara.
***
Shepard recognizes the forest as soon as it appears. She’s having another nightmare. But being aware of it doesn’t help any. She cannot help but move towards the boy she sees in the distance, hearing the voices as they whisper around her. She recognizes them. Mordin. Ashely. Her squad from Akuze. All the troops sacrificed to save the damn Council, for whatever good they’ve done. Everyone who has died because of a decision she made. Her fault. They’re all her fault.
The further into the forest she runs the louder the voices get, then suddenly she’s seeing faces. The faces of the living. The ones she is still trying to protect. Liara, Joker, Thane, Jack… the faces continue to surround her as she runs. Fading as she keeps her attention on the child. When she reaches the boy, as she has so many other times, he bursts into flames. But so does everyone else. And she spins as she watches her friends burn. Until her eyes land on Garrus and a scream is wrenched from her as she watches. She can’t do anything, she can’t move. All she can do is watch everyone burn around her.
She awakes with a start. Pulse racing, still seeing the orange of the flames at the edge of her vision. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, feeling no less exhausted than when she first made her way to the couch. She moves slowly towards her bathroom, once again grateful Cerberus installed one in her room so she did not have to risk running into her crew in this state.
Avoiding looking in the mirror, Shepard splashes water on her face and lets a few tears fall before centring herself. There’s a war on. She needs to get her head in the game. It’s then that she hears knocking on her cabin door.
“It’s open.” She calls out, voice rasping. She finds herself simultaneously hoping and dreading that Garrus has come to check up on her. There’s nobody else she wants to see right now, but she also doesn’t quite know how to be vulnerable with him in this way. If that’s what he wants or if he wants to keep things more physical. So, it’s both a relief and a disappointment when she hears Liara’s voice on the other side of the door.
“Shepard? There’s something you need to hear.” Of course there is, there’s always something else that needs to be done.
“Alright.” Shepard sighs, preparing to get back into it.
Liara hesitates, “Is this a bad time?”
“Thinking of some friends who aren’t around, thanks to this war.” She doesn’t mention that she just watched everyone burn around her. Doesn’t think that’s something that bears voicing.
“That’s thanks to the Reapers, not you. Are you thinking about anyone in particular?” Ashley’s last words come back to her again. Shepard almost tells Liara not to worry about it. But of course, now the floodgates are open she doesn’t think she could close them.
“Ashley back on Virmire. She gave her life stopping Sovereign.” One of the first sacrifices in this damn war. “I wonder what she’d make of fighting a whole fleet of Reapers.”
“If I had to guess, Ashely would call it target practice.”
Shepard chuckled, “Yeah. Sounds like her.” Feeling like she at least won’t start crying again, Shepard exits the bathroom. “Didn’t you have something for me?”
Liara straightens, “The Salarian councillor has an urgent matter.” God what could he possibly want now? Was he also going to chew her out like the Dalatrass.
“Let me guess, he called the comm room?”
“The Council must be taking the Crucible seriously. I’ll see you downstairs.” Yeah now they take it seriously. Shepard watches Liara leave and then lets out a groan. She just wants to sit and wallow a little longer. Is that too much to ask?
Rolling her shoulders, and deciding the councillor doesn’t deserve her in her dress blues she makes her way to the comm room as she is.
***
Udina. Goddamned Udina. She hates him so much and if he’s up to something, Shepard swears on whatever higher power that she will absolutely make him pay. She doesn’t have time for this bullshit.
She decides to head up to the cockpit, Joker always vents with her about the council without trying to be weirdly diplomatic about it. Plus, he hates Udina just as much as she does. She doesn’t expect to find Garrus there but she definitely can’t complain about the calming effect his presence alone has on her state of mind. The feeling scares her a little and finds herself torn between folding herself into his arms and pretending she just remembered something important down in the shuttle bay.
Before she can make her grand escape, Joker turns to face her, “I’m sorry about Mordin.” Shepard didn’t come here for sincerity. She needed a distraction. Luckily before she could get too concerned Joker started talking about how crazy Mordin is -was- and the various scans he used to run. That’s what she needed. Fun stories about her friend. Not talking about how absolutely gut-wrenching his death is. They spend a few moments just trading stories before they trail off and stare out the window together.
When Garrus gets up to move out he inclines his head at her, a silent invitation to walk with him. As they leave the cockpit Garrus starts off talking about something inane. She’s not entirely sure what. Something about Krogan and singing? He’s probably just making some comment about curing the genophage. Shepard just replies that she’s glad something at least went right. That Mordin’s sacrifice wasn’t for nothing.
She’s avoiding Garrus’ eyes. Doesn’t want him to see how upset and broken she’s feeling. How it’s all just too much. She doesn’t need to put that on him, she knows he’s still waiting on new of his family whilst also being high enough in the Hierarchy that he advises he Primarch directly. And he’s always part of her ground team… Maybe she should give him a break next mission.
She tunes back in to hear him talking about Wrex. “Maybe we should get a food taster for him. Imagine the carnage if someone like that brother of his, Wreav, took over.” Oh, Shepard almost physically shudders as the thought. No, that might have been enough to take the Dalatrass up on her offer.
“It could happen.” Is what she says.
“I know. It’s a chance we have to take, but I have to say, if it wasn’t my own world that needed help… I might have taken that Salarian deal.” Oh, don’t say that Garrus! Shepard is close to screaming. She needs someone to tell her she made the right call. That Mordin’s sacrifice was worth it.
“I could never bring myself to do that, no matter what I was offered.” She has to believe that. Even knowing the cost… she has to believe she would still have made the same choice.
“I admire your restraint, Shepard. It’s nice when we can save the galaxy without destroying another race along the way.” She lets out a breath. Exactly. She looks up at him then and sees the sympathy on his face. Wonders if it’s been there the whole time. She feels so raw. She nods, unsure how to reply. She moves to go past him when he grabs her arm.
“Shepard,” he glances back at the cockpit but it doesn’t seem like Joker is listening. “How are you? Really? Did you get some rest?”
She considers lying, or deflecting. But staring into his eyes she can’t do that. She owes him more. “I’m surviving. It’s rough. I feel rough.” She swallows and looks away then. “I’m just tired. And I hope this is over soon, I am in desperate need of some shore leave.” She hears him chuckle.
“You and me both. We should go somewhere, after this is all over. Somewhere warm.” And just the thought of being somewhere with Garrus, somewhere that isn’t a war zone has her grinning up at him.
“I would really like that.” She whispers back, they take a moment and just look at each other. It isn’t charged with the heat of their reunion, or when they lock eyes on the battlefield. This is softer, warmer. Shepard would almost say it makes her feels safe, but she’s not quite so fanciful. “We’re heading for the citadel, some issue with Udina.” She holds back a laugh as he rolls his eyes. He has been hanging out with humans for too long. “I’ll call you when we’re landing.”
“Okay, get some rest Shepard. That’s an order.”
She mock salutes as she walks backwards away from him, and he laughs again. She turns around and continues to the CIC to plot the course feeling… better. Like she isn’t drowning anymore. After talking to Valern and figuring out what is happening with Udina maybe they should have a conversation. She wants to figure out what they are now. She has known her feelings ran far deeper than friendship since before the Collector base.
She doesn’t really want to think about how long she’s been in love with her best friend, not when she’s not sure where he stands. And just like that she’s worried about it again. Does she want to risk ruining their dynamic? But if not now when? Shepard lets out a frustrated sigh as she opens the galaxy map, purposefully ignoring Traynor’s worried glance, and plots the course for the Citadel. Providing she’s still alive tomorrow, she’ll worry about it then.