Work Text:
Title: The Tale of the Terrible Weretortise
[Opening Scene]
Living Room: [Open with Strong Bad and The Cheat getting ready to go out for a fantastic Halloween]
Strong Bad: The Cheat, I've just made a breakthrough! I have the perfect plan on how to get the most candy this year.
The Cheat: [confused The Cheat noise]
Strong Bad: First, we raid The King Of Town's castle so we can--
[Strong Bad gets interrupted by Strong Sad entering the room]
Strong Bad: [Looking annoyed already] Oh boy, here to ruin another Halloween with your creepy and/or whiney shenanigans?
Strong Sad: [shaking his head] Heavens no! I'm staying inside this year, and I suggest you two do the same! Don't you know there's a wild animal on the loose?
Strong Bad: No way, really?? Is it like...a lion? Or a tiger? Or a Liger...with lazer eyes?
Strong Sad: It's a tortoise!
Strong Bad: [Disappointed] Oh...well, have fun or whatever. Anyway, I'll explain the rest of the plan later. Let's go, The Cheat!
The Cheat: [excited The Cheat sounds]
Strong Mad: [pushing past Strong Sad] I WANT TO TRICK OR TREEEAAAAT!
[Strong Bad, The Cheat, and Strong Mad all leave the house with their costumes worn proudly. Strong Bad is rambling about his plan again]
Strong Bad: ...and then we pour gasoline on Homestar. See? Full proof plan!
Strong Mad: I’M CONFUSED!!!
[They all start walking to Bubs's concession stand to pick up some last minute supplies. Coach Z and Pom Pom are hanging around there too.]
Bubs: I can tell that you decided to go in a different "direction" with your costume this year, Coach Z.
Coach Z: Whadyada mean, Bubs? I'm Lil noz ex! Ynkow-- I gort the horses in the bark?
Pom Pom: [laughs with bubble noises]
Bubs: Yeah, sure you are! And I'm the tooth fairy!
Coach Z: [not even with a hint of sarcasm] Wait really?
[Strong Bad and the other two appear in frame]
Strong Bad: Move over, clowns. We gentlemen have VERY important business to attend to. Bubs, I need a gallon of gasoline, some saltine crackers, and a crowbar.
Bubs: Got it! [Bubs shuffles around in the back]
Coach Z: [desperately] SB! Ya know who I'm supposed to be, right? Gonna ride my horse to da old town rord, I’m gonna ride ‘till I can’t no more!
Strong Bad: A creepy, depressed old man that should be kept away from children?
Coach Z: Harsh. Speaking orf deprorssion, where's the whort one?
Strong Bad: [Confused at first] The white o-OH! Strong Sad decided to stay home because of a turtle on the loose.
Coach Z: Oh that Strong Sad is such a hoot, lemme tell ya.
[Suddenly, a loud and girly scream could be heard in the distance.]
Strong Bad: Woah, what was that? Either something hilarious just happened or someone just died.
Strong Mad: I DON'T LIKE THIS!
[This caused everyone* to drop what they were doing and meet up with Homestar, Marzipan, The King of Town, and The Poopsmith as they surround the stick...or where the stick USED to be]
(*except for Strong Sad and Homsar)
Marzipan: [turned around, only to see the others gather around] Oh my goodness, this is just awful!
Strong Bad: Was that you screaming?
Marzipan: What? No, that was Homestar.
Homestar: [on his knees, sobbing in front of where the stick used to be] Nooo! Not the stick…! He was so young!
Strong Bad: [Gasping] The Stick?! What happened?
Homestar: [Sniffling] Well, it all started when Marzipan and I were walking together as we tried to remember if we were dating or not. Then we saw the King Of Town...what were you doing again?
King of Town: I was standing over here eating pumpkin spice face ointment when this vile creature came over and stole the stick! It was big and green and--
Marzipan: --and it's right THERE!
[Dramatic music plays as the camera shifts over to a large tortoise slowly walking away from the crime scene with the stick in his mouth. Everyone gasps]
[Record scratch]
Strong Bad: Oh you have GOT to be kidding me! That stupid ninja turtle reject is not going to ruin my Halloween.
[Just as Strong Bad was about to sprint forward, Bubs reached over and pulled him back]
Bubs: Now hang on just a diddly darn dang minute! I've seen that creature before.
[Bubs pulled out an old looking book from... somewhere?]
Bubs: This is a book as old as time itself. It tells tales of mediocre monsters and average atrocities. I got it from a garage sale in '73!
Homestar: Woah, 73 B.C? I didn't know you were THAT old, Bubs!
Bubs: [Trying to ignore Homestar's insulting comment] ...Anyway- [opens the book]. This right here is the legendary Weretortoise! It comes out every 665th Halloween during a leap year, looking for innocent victims to prey on.
Marzipan: Bubs that doesn't make any sense.
Bubs: If it bites you, you will turn into a tortoise too! There is a cure for it, but it will only work under a 5-10 minute window.
Strong Bad: Can we please get the stick back now? I haven't even bashed Homsar's head in with a crowbar yet.
Bubs: Fine! I vote that Coach Z goes.
Coach Z: Wait wort? No way! The King of Town should go since he just stood thare and did northing!
King Of Town: Then who will be king if I die? Or become a turtle? I declare that Homestar Runner should rescue the stick!
Homestar: Oh please, [awful Jesse impression] have mercy. I think Marzipan should slay the beast.
Marzipan: You know I don't condone the killing of animals! What about Strong Mad?
Strong Mad: NOOO!
[Everybody else continued to argue about who should go fetch the stick from the tortoise, their voices overlapping each other. Finally, Strong Bad couldn't take it anymore.]
Strong Bad: OK! ILL GET THE STICK FROM THE STUPID TURTLE! JUST SHUT UP ALREADY! [He let out a short, frustrated scream before charging towards the tortoise (who barely moved since then)]
[The tortoise slowly turned its head towards Strong Bad as he was running towards it. It looked indifferent to the situation.]
Strong Bad: Aha! [Strong Bad grabbed onto the stick and tried to pull it away]
[The tortoise blinked slowly before lunging forward, biting Strong Bad's hand.]
Strong Bad: AAAA! [He let go of the stick and recoiled in pain.]
[Noticing that the tortoise had somehow bitten hard enough to cut SB's skin through his thick boxing glove hands, Strong Bad watched himself bleed a bit in horror (and annoyance)]
Strong Bad: It bit me! I...I...oh no, I don't feel so good. [Strong Bad fell to the ground and began to transform before their very eyes]
[Poof: He’s a tortoise now]
Homestar: Nooooo! Stwrong Bad! Why him? I never got to tell him how much I loved him…
Strong Bad: Homestar I'm still here! I'm just really slow and short.
Homestar: Oh. That isn't too bad actually.
Marzipan: That Weretortise is getting away with the stick! Somebody do something please!
Pom Pom: [Angered bubble noises]
[Pom Pom, who also wanted to try and be a hero, made the exact same foolish mistake Strong Bad made. Thankfully, the Weretortise didn't bite hard enough to pop Pom Pom]
[With that, Pom Pom also poofs into a tortoise]
Pom Pom: [Sad bubble noises]
Coach Z: [backing away] Ooooh no! Nuh uh! I am stayin ortta this!
Bubs: Quick, everybody into my stand!
Homestar: But what about Stwrong Bad and Pom Pom?
Bubs: [dramatic lighting on his face] Leave them behind, they're dead already…
Strong Bad Tortoise: I'M NOT FREAKING DEAD!
[Everyone (except SB and Pom Pom) rushes into Bub's concession stand. Bubs pulls the metal window-door down, but still leaving a tiny bit open so that they can peak out from it]
Homestar: [whispering] What's it doing?
Bubs: [whispering] Walking. Very...very...slowly.
[Scene cuts to the Weretortise still walking very slowly with The Stick.]
Strong Mad: I'M BEING SQUISHED.
Coach Z: [from behind Strong Mad] Oh, so YOU'RE squirshed?
Bubs: Listen, I know it's kinda tight, but it's our only chance of survival! We already have two men down.
Strong Bad: [Standing outside of the stand w/Pom Pom] Stop saying we died!
Bubs: [Sniffling] It almost sounds like I can still hear their voices...and see them.
Strong Bad: Can you please let us inside? It's freezing out here.
Coach Z: How do we know ya ain't just gonna inferct us?
Strong Bad: I'm not going to! Trust me, even I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
Marzipan: Wait a minute—didn't you say something about a cure?
Bubs: Huh? Oh yeah, I did! It's right here in this book.
Homestar: Does it, perhaps, involve a witch's brew?
Bubs: Kinda! All you need to do is collect some emo tears, candy dust, and a bottle of Pepto bismol! Then you put it in the microwave for 30 seconds.
Homestar: Oh this should be easy!
[Homestar runs out of the stand, but not before picking up his two tortoise-transformed friends]
Homestar: C'mon, guys! Let's save Halloween!
Strong Bad: 'Bout time someone finally acknowledges our existence.
[Homestar, Pom Pom Tortoise, Strong Bad Tortoise, and The Cheat (because what else would he be doing?) all walk off camera while everyone else stays in the safety of Bub's stand.]
[The first location is The Brothers Strong house.]
[Homestar knocks on the front door with his face]
Homestar: Twick or tweat, smell my feet—
[Strong Sad opens the door before Homestar could finish that horrible song, much to Strong Bad and Pom Pom's relief]
Strong Sad: Homestar, what are you doing? Didn't you hear about— [he pauses before looking down at Pom Pom and Strong Bad as little tortoises]
[Strong Sad gasps, shocked at first, before smiling in slight amusement]
Strong Sad: And what do we have here? Mr. "I ain't afraid of no tortoise" himself.
Strong Bad: Ok ok, you were right! Can you help us?
Homestar: We need the tears of an emo kid for a witch's brew. Do you know any?
Strong Sad: Well, I identify more as a "Nu Goth", but I believe I could assist. I must warn you, I've lived with Strong Bad long enough to be immune to most of his insults.
Strong Bad: [Sarcastically] Yeah I bet, you 6 piece chicken McNobody!
Strong Sad: [yawning] Heard it.
Strong Bad: Well—er...you're fat!
Strong Sad: Is that the best you got, turtle boy?
[Strong Bad grumbles in frustration. The Cheat then beckons Homestar to lower Strong Bad to his level. The Cheat whispers to Strong Bad]
Strong Bad: What…? Are you crazy…? Ugh, fine.
[He clears his throat]
Strong Bad: [slow zoom in] Strong Sad, I know I haven't been the best brother to you. I just wanted to say that, well, you're an amazing guy. You are talented and intelligent. You're the best brother a tortoise could ask for.
Strong Sad: [tearing up] Do...do you really mean all of that?
Homestar: [gets a test tube from out of nowhere and collects the tears] We got it!
Strong Bad: Great! Now let's leave.
[All 4 of them began to walk away before Strong Sad ran out after them]
Strong Sad: Wait! I still need closure!
The Cheat: [happy sounds because his idea worked]
[Back at Bub's stand]
[Coach Z and Bubs are both keeping their eyes on the tortoise, which barely moved.]
Coach Z: [whispering] Do ya think it can smerll us?
Bubs: [whispering back] Tortoises aren't exactly known for their sense of smell. Besides, if it could smell anything, it would be The Poopsmith's B.O.
Marzipan: I am sick of just sitting here and letting the poor stick suffer like this! I'm going out.
[Marzipan exits through the back door]
Bubs: Well, it's your funeral.
[Marzipan approaches the Weretortise with a kind smile]
Marzipan: Excuse me, Mr. Weretortise. Can you please let go of The Stick?
[The Weretortise blinks slowly before biting Marzipan's knees. She let out a scream]
[Then poof, Tortoise time.]
Coach Z: AAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH! Bubs, hold me! [Coach Z hops right onto Bubs]
Bubs: Get off of me, hooligan!
Strong Mad: I WANT TO BE HELD TOO!
Bubs: Neither of you need to be up on me right now! If I even get a single touch, from The Poopsmith—...wait, where is he?
Coach Z: He disappeoorrd!
[Dun dun duuuuuuuun!]
[Back to our heros Homestar, SB, PomPom, The Cheat, and the new party member Strong Sad.]
Strong Bad: Is he still following us?
Homestar: [looks behind him] Nope! Wait, yes.
Strong Sad: Strong Bad! You can't just say something like that and expect me NOT to follow you around.
Strong Bad: Listen man. We can talk about this later, but right now isn't the time. I don't want to be a tortoise for the rest of my life, so we can't mess around anymore.
Strong Sad: I can at least help you guys out. What was that thing you needed again?
Homestar: Candy dwust. And I know exactly where to get a bwuttload of it! Follow me, boys!
[The party of idiots head to the King Of Town's castle]
Strong Bad: Hang on, I got this.
[He hopped out of Homestar's invisible arms and dug his head right under KOT's welcome Matt]
Pom Pom: [bubbles to remind everyone that he's still in this episode]
Strong Sad: Isn't it illegal to break into someone's house while they aren't home? Actually, why do I even have to ask?
Strong Bad: If The King of Town cared about not being broken into, he wouldn't keep a key under his mat. Now lift me up!
[Soon, the party had broken into KOT's castle.]
Homestar: Alwright, everyone. Start looking for some cawndy.
[After searching around KOT's kitchen, Strong Sad eventually found a full jar of candy. It was mostly filled with the crappy candy you would get at the clearance bin last minute, but you get the idea.]
Strong Sad: Hey guys, I found some. Can we go now?
Strong Bad: No no! You gotta crush it up into dust first! Stomp on it with your giant, disgusting elephant feet.
Strong Sad: [long long sigh] Fine.
[And so he does]
[Meanwhile, back at the Fortress of Imbeciles (Bub's Stand)]
[KOT seemed to have turned into a tortoise off screen since it probably wasn't Interesting enough to show on screen]
KOT: I wanted to get a taste, but the tortoise took a taste of me instead.
Bubs: [rubbing his forehead in frustration] Alright. All that's left is you (Coach Z), me, Strong Mad, Homestar, and Strong Sad.
Coach Z: Don't forget The Chort!
Bubs: [deep sigh] Welp, we're doomed.
Coach Z: Ey, look on the brout side! We got to spend more time together. We're all going to look back at this mess and laurth.
Marzipan: [from outside] I think we should all start getting used to our new, inevitable lives. Tortoise pride!
Strong Mad: IT'S STILL CRAMPED!
Bubs: Will you three shut it? Man, I hope Homestar gets here soon.
Coach Z: Aye! I just remembared! I got some Pepto bizmar in the lorker room. I have to go tell them. Pass my legacy to my grandchildren if I die!
[Coach Z scuttles out from the back door]
Bubs: What grandchildren?? Oh, never mind. Guess it's just me and—Strong Mad?
[Whoops, turns out Strong Mad got sick of being inside of the stand for the whole night. He ran out after Coach Z, causing a SM-sized hole to form after crashing through the wall]
[He got bit, also. Coach Z is likely next.]
Bubs: [bangs his head against the metal serving door]
Marzipan: Right on, Strong Mad! Here, let me sing you a song I just made up.
[Singing] Oooh how it's great to be a tortoise, eating leaves in the forest~
Strong Mad: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[Meanwhile (once again), our heros are starting to head back to Bub's stand with ⅔ ingredients]
Homestar: Good work, team! Now we just need to hurry and get the Pepto bismol!
The Cheat: [Cheat sounds]
Strong Bad: Yeah, why can't we just stop at a corner store and buy a bottle? Those things are always open, especially late at night!
Homestar: We don't have time! Halloween must be saved!
Pom Pom: [Bubbles]
Homestar: Why are you guys so negative?
[Suddenly, a panicked Coach Z came running in their direction]
Coach Z: [stops in front of Homestar and pants heavily] Oh I tell ya, Homestay...it almost got me. Marzipan, King of Torn, and Strong Mad are ort for the cournt.
Homestar: Don't worry, buddy! Uncle Homestar is on his way over!
Coach Z: Hang on hang on hang on. I know where ya can get yerself a bortle of Pepto. Follow me.
[Cut to Coach Z leading the party into the locker rooms]
Strong Bad: [whispering @ Homestar] Of course it would be here. Let's just grab it and get out of here before we catch some ancient, third world country fungi.
Homestar: Aye aye, Captain!
Coach Z: Now...where wers it again?
[Quick montage of every non-tortoise character checking the lockers. At one point, Homsar is found in one of them]
Homsar: IIIIIIIIIIImm a silly skeleton maaaaaaaan~
[Soon, Homestar finally finds the correct locker with the Pepto Bismol inside]
Homestar: Hey, I got it! Coach I got it! ...Coach?
[Homestar turns around, only to see Coach Z crawling on the floor weakly away the Weretortise, who had bitten him]
Strong Sad: AAAH! How did it get all the way in here so quickly??
[Quick cut back to Bubs]
Bubs: [holding a shotgun] Well, shooting it didn't work, but at least I finally scared it away!
[Cut back to Homestar and the rest]
Homestar: Coach noooo! You were so—...old.
The Cheat: [Cheat screams]
Pom Pom: [scared bubbles]
Strong Bad: We need to leave! That thing is armed!
[The Weretortise still had The Stick and was not afraid to use it]
[Homestar holds tortoise SB and Pom Pom in his invisible arms as he runs as fast as he can out of the locker room.]
[Not too long after, the slow Strong Sad gets left behind]
Strong Sad: Guys! W-wait up [huffing]...for [puffing]...me…
[The Weretortise caught up to Strong Sad, this making him another tortoise along with Coach Z and everyone else]
[The Cheat was getting tired of trying to keep up with the fast Homestar Runner, which caused him to gradually slow down]
Strong Bad: HOMESTAR! YOU GOTTA TURN AROUND AND GET HIM, MAN! Who else will be my minion/lawyer?
Homestar: Sorry, Stwrong Bad. We all have to make sacrifices for the greater good.
[Soon, The Cheat meets the exact same fate as the last two]
Strong Bad: The Cheat!! I'm coming, buddy!
[Tortoise SB jumped out of Homestar's arms to crawl after the fallen The Cheat]
[After running, Homestar finds himself cornered in a dead end.]
[At this point, Pom Pom figured he was too cool to be wrapped up in this anymore, so he left too.]
Homestar: Pom Pom, where are you going? [Sigh] I guess I'm stuck here. It is the end of the line for the lovable and huggable Homestar Runner…
[Just as the Weretortise is getting close enough to bite Homestar, the spade of a shovel lands and blocks the Weretortise's path]
Homestar: [gasps] The Poopsmith?
The Poopsmith: …
[The Poopsmith reaches down, ripping The Stick out of the Weretortise's mouth and saving The Stick.]
Homestar: Wow...you make it look so easy!
[Time cut to a few minutes later, where the witches brew of Emo Tears, Candy Dust, and Pepto Bismol is being made in KOT's castle by The Poopsmith]
[The witches brew has just been passed out to everybody and, once consumed, turned everybody back to normal]
Strong Bad: Yes! My handsome figure has been restored to its glory!
Homestar: Yay! Oh, that reminds me. King Of Town, I think you got something to say to good ol' PS!
King of Town: Huh? Hmm, Poopsmith...I think the brew needed more of that Pepto Bismol, it would taste a lot better!
The Poopsmith: ...
Homestar: Yeah, good job!
Bubs: I think we all learned a valuable lesson today.
Marzipan: And what would that be, Bubs?
Bubs: Never ever disobey me again!
Homestar: [laughing] Oh Bubs!
[Sitcom ending music and credits]