Love Me Blind

by exploring_in_space

Summary:

When Aaron was 17, he met the love of his life in the form of Robert. But circumstances tore them apart, and now, ten years later, they meet again. The lingering attraction and love between them is immediately reignited, and they desperately cling to each other after all these years.

The only catch is that Aaron is already dating someone else and doesn't mention it to Robert.

Notes:

This is a two part story. I haven't finished writing the second part, but I know exactly where it's going and it's already been outlined. I'm excited but nervous to share this fic, it's one of the longest things I've ever written in one sitting, and I hope you enjoy!

Chapter 1

“I think that’s the last of the boxes!” Chas calls up the stairs. Aaron and Ed are in their new bedroom at the Mill putting things away. The pair of them share a grin at Chas’s voice.

“How does it feel to be home?” Ed asks, stretching onto their bed. Aaron watches where some of Ed’s shirt lift as he stretches on the bed, a sliver of skin.

“You mean besides having my mum be a giant pest?” Aaron jokes, laying down next to Ed.

“Admit it, you’re happy she’s here bugging you.”

“I do. I’m really happy to be back.” Aaron concedes with a smile. They had been living in France for two years because Ed signed with a French rugby team. But his team and his own merit have started to get the attention of more prominent clubs back in England. The pair of them have started to miss English soil, particularly Yorkshire. The opportunity to play for England again has given them the opportunity to finally move back to Emmerdale, have a home ready once Ed finally signs with a new club.

Aaron enjoyed living in France, but he missed his family the entire time he had been away. Being with Ed made it worth it, but sometimes it was unbearable being so far away. It didn’t take much convincing on Ed’s part for Aaron to make the move back to Emmerdale while Ed finished up the season in France. They have been dating for three years and have settled into a very comfortable relationship.

“Oh I see how it is, I do all the work whilst you two just laze around!” Chas huffs good-naturedly, standing at the doorway with her hands on her hips. Aaron and Ed smile at each other and reluctantly get out of bed to follow Chas out of the bedroom and downstairs back to the living room and kitchen. 

Chas is nattering away the entire time they put the kitchen stuff away. Aaron knows she is over the moon to have him back, and he is happy to just listen to her go on. Ed shoots Aaron a couple of well-meaning eye rolls with a smile on his lips, it makes Aaron want to give him a kiss on those lips. So he does, right in the middle of one of Chas’s complaints about Charity.

“Aw you two.” Chas teases, “True love if ever I’ve seen it.”

Ed laughs and wraps his arms around Aaron, placing a kiss on his head. It’s slightly embarrassing having Chas make a comment about their relationship, but he takes it in stride. 

They continue unboxing and putting things away until Ed’s taxi is calling. He has to be back in France for a match, leaving a reluctant Aaron behind. “I wish you didn’t have to leave,” Aaron says against Ed’s lips.

“I’ll be back before you know it,” Ed promises, kissing Aaron one final time, and waving goodbye to Chas. She’s grinning at Aaron when he comes back but says nothing. They get most of the kitchen sorted and put away by the time Chas is not so discreetly hiding yawns. 

“Go on, get out of here, I’ll finish up.” Aaron says after Chas’s fifth time of yawning and clutching her back in pain.

“Better not try to unbox everything on your own. Everyone will want to help ya tomorrow, okay?” Chas says pointing a finger at Aaron’s chest.

“Okay mum,” Aaron laughs. He had missed his family and his mum, even if they will be overbearing come tomorrow. Chas is out the door with a wave of her hands and the promise of coming over in the morning.

The Mill is eerily quiet after she is gone and Aaron is alone. He wished Ed could have stayed at least one night before having to go back to France. It doesn’t feel like he’s home. The quietness makes Aaron consider Chas’s earlier statement. He’s not sure if Ed is his one true love, but he does love him. Aaron has only been in head over heels in love once. He’s not an overly romantic person by any means, but he always felt he only had one chance at being in love and that was with Robert Sugden.

Robert Sugden. That’s a name Aaron has buried and allowed cobwebs to settle on in his mind. Aaron was only seventeen, but he can still see freckles and that beautifully charming smile. He can still remember when that smile was downturned as he broke Aaron’s heart.

*

Robert slowly makes his way down the streets of Leeds, feeling sluggish. The past month has been spent preparing for the machinery convention his company is hosting, and Robert, as estate manager, has taken the bulk of the planning. He just wants the week to be over and finally be done with it.

The cool November weather has had trees shed their leaves onto the sidewalk. Soon, the December rains will make this walk unpleasant - having to dodge other pedestrians with their umbrellas. But right now, Robert is enjoying the crisp weather, the last of fall before winter.

Soon, Robert makes it to a building with the sign ‘ Little Ducks Daycare ’, marking his destination. He pushes through the door and is greeted by the receptionist, Amelia.

“Hiya Robert.” She greets pleasantly. She starts filling out the sign out paperwork as they make idle conversation. Amelia works Monday through Friday, the days Robert comes, and they have formed a friendly enough relationship. “That convention thing is tomorrow, ain’t it?” She asks, turning the paperwork for Robert to sign.

“Yes, can’t wait for it to be over.” Robert replies as he signs the paper. Just as Amelia is about to respond, the door to the back opens and another employee walks out holding five year old Seb’s hand.

Seb’s face brightens up immediately seeing Robert, shaking out of the employee’s hand and running to him. “Daddy!” Seb shouts. He squats down and lets Seb tumble into his arms.

“He acts like he hasn’t seen you in weeks.” Amelia jokes. Robert laughs and gives Seb a small kiss to his forehead before standing up. There is no question that Seb was a daddy’s boy, but it just makes Robert love him all the more. 

Amelia tells Robert how Seb behaved for the day, and he is pleased to hear there really wasn’t any trouble. Robert thanks the ladies in the daycare, and they’re off back to their flat. Seb chatters the entire walk home, telling Robert about his day and the friends he made. Seeing Seb like this endears Robert more than anything in the world.

Seb and Robert moved to Leeds a year ago after Rebecca and her family passed away in a car accident. Seb was barely four years old when they died, and understandably, he had taken the death very hard. He had separation anxiety for months after the fact and barely allowed Robert to leave Seb alone. Robert decided to move them to Leeds shortly after her death as a means for a fresh start. Now five years old, Seb has started to really grow into himself and be the happy kid he was before Rebecca’s death.

Despite the year they have been in Leeds, Robert has not mustered up the courage to reach out to his family. He had made so many excuses to himself as to why it’s a bad idea, but it really comes down to the fact he wasn’t ready to speak to them.

Robert is thirty-three years old. He left the village fourteen years ago and has never looked back, not even when Jack died. That was the last time he had spoken to Victoria. She had been heartbroken and disappointed in him when he refused to go to the funeral, but Robert had just found out that Rebecca was pregnant. Now it’s been almost six years since he had spoken to his family, and they don’t even know about Seb.

Robert loves Seb with his entire being. When he first held his little boy in his arms, he had given what remained of his heart to Seb. But Seb is all that Robert has. He has a job he’s good at but not necessarily in love with, a flat, and his son. He is satisfied with life but he’s not sure if he’s completely happy .

*

A brochure lands on Aaron’s table at the cafe one morning in November. It’s a brochure for some machinery convention, and when he looks up he sees Adam grinning at him. “What’s this, then?” Aaron picks up the brochure, giving it a quick skim.

In the two months Aaron has been back in Emmerdale, he and Adam started a scrap business together. When he first got back, he thought he would just ask Cain for work at the garage, but Adam had proposed that the two of them go into business together instead. 

Starting a business together wasn't exactly a pipe dream, Aaron had money saved during his time in France working as a mechanic, and Adam sold his share in his family farm giving them a healthy start for their business. Ed helped too, kicking a few thousand pounds their way. Aaron had felt uneasy about accepting the money. They weren’t married and despite the time they’ve been together, they’ve not shared bank accounts. But Ed had kept insisting, calling it an investment into their future. That Emmerdale was their future. It still made Aaron unsure, but he did like the idea of investing in their future.

“We want that car crusher, yeah? Reckon we could go check it out, maybe find one on the cheap.” Adam explains, taking a seat across from Aaron.

“Leeds, though?” Aaron makes a face simply to wind Adam up. The convention does sound like a good idea. Their business has been going well, but it’s starting to slow because they don’t have the means to go after bigger scrap without better and bigger equipment.

“I’ll pick you up tomorrow morning while you think about it.” Adam says, patting Aaron’s shoulder and walking out of the cafe before Aaron can make a smart comment back.

Come the morning, Adam is blaring the horn of his car to get Aaron out of the Mill. The drive to Leeds is quick and they’re parking Adam’s car along the street outside the conference center. Men and women in suits are crawling in the space once they get into the center. Booths and vendors line the space, each displaying their different machinery. It’s slightly overwhelming but exciting.

Aaron and Adam make a plan of splitting up and attacking each side of the center to get as many contacts as possible. With any luck, they’ll be walking home with a car crusher. The day drags on, there are a lot of potential vendors who are interested in Holey Scrap. But so far none that are selling a crusher at a reasonable price.

Aaron is chatting with some vendor he knew he wasn’t going to remember their name when he sees him. But...it couldn’t be, he reasons with himself. It’s too much of a coincidence. He quickly ends the conversation and makes a quick escape from the booth.

“Excuse me, the man over there,” Aaron stops one of the workers and to points to the booth he saw him, “What’s his name?”

“I believe that’s Robert Sugden he’s the estate manager for…” But Aaron stops paying attention to second she says Robert’s name.

Aaron can’t breath - feels as if all the air has left the room and focus on Robert. It can’t be , the rational part of his brain says. But...the face, that smile, it’s unmistakable. The worker is still saying something to the right of him but it doesn’t register as Aaron continues to stare at Robert.

Almost as if someone was controlling him, Aaron begins to walk to the booth Robert is stood. The ambient noise of the conference center drown out the voices, but as Aaron gets closer, he hears it. That rich voice, exactly the same. There’s no denying it, this is his Robert Sugden.

Aaron stands a little away from the crowd as Robert is giving some kind of presentation about agricultural machinery. He gesticulates as he’s speaking and it makes Aaron want to cry - he’s exactly the same as he was ten years ago. His hair is more closely cut to his head than his floppy cut from ten years ago. It makes Aaron feel a little mournful to the days he would run his fingers through it. His face shows no obvious wrinkles, save for some crows feet around his eyes. Aaron bites the inside of his cheek - it’s unfair how beautiful Robert looks.

His presentation comes to a close, a few people walk away and others linger to ask him questions. One person, who stands in front of Aaron, lifts their arm to ask a question. Robert turns to the person, but his eyes land on Aaron. His face almost instantly pales, as if he’s seen a ghost.

Aaron knows the feeling. 

Robert stammers his way through the answer, but quickly dismisses the rest of the crowd. The crowd disperses and Aaron just stands there, watching Robert, feet glued to the ground.

“Aaron?” Robert finally manages to get out. His voice cracks at the ‘-on’ part of his name. But the voice manages to break whatever spell Aaron has been under since the minute he saw Robert.

“Robert.” Aaron says back.

“It is you.” Robert huffs out an incredulous laugh. “I...what are you doing here?”

“I own a scrapyard. Thought this would be a good place to get contacts.” Aaron says somewhat hysterically. He can’t believe this. This surreal conversation, when all he wants to do is attach himself to Robert and never let go. He quickly looks at Robert’s left hand, and the relief he has not seeing a ring there. Not that that means anything, considering Aaron isn’t married but he’s with Ed…

“Yeah? That-that’s great Aaron.” Robert says with a nod, and god the way he says Aaron’s name makes him want to melt. Robert takes a look back at the booth, Aaron hadn’t noticed before, but there’s another employee at the booth. He’s standing behind the table looking at the pair of them with mild curiosity. “Listen, want to go grab some coffee right now?”

“Yes.” Aaron replies immediately, mentally kicking himself with how eager he probably sounds. It’s pathetic. It’s been ten years for god’s sake. Get a grip , Aaron chides himself.

Robert excuses himself to talk to the other employee, who looks between Aaron and Robert before nodding. Robert grabs his things from behind the desk: an expensive looking overcoat and a messenger bag. “Let’s go.” 

He doesn’t lead them to the refreshment area of the center but towards the exit. There’s a local coffeehouse across the street when they exit and Robert heads to it. Aaron is almost running to keep up with Robert’s long strides.

They’re silent as they stand waiting to order their drinks. But the body heat from Robert is enough for Aaron to be keenly aware of his presence. It’s all very ordinary - standing in line to order coffee and not as all as absurd as it really is: being reunited with his long lost lover.

Robert insists on paying - an americano for himself and a mocha for Aaron. Once they’re sat with their coffees, they take a moment just to stare at each other. To take in the magnitude of this moment.

“I really can’t believe it’s you.” Robert exhales with a smile. “It’s been ten years.”

“Yeah.” Aaron agrees dumbly, unsure what to say. Now that they’re here, Aaron is at a loss as what to say.

“Do you live in Leeds?” Robert asks, apparently more than okay with taking charge of the conversation.

“Ah, no. Came up for the convention, didn’t I?” Aaron starts hesitatingly. “Actually...I live in Emmerdale.”

Robert looks stunned at Aaron’s revelation. His eyes grow wide and his mouth hangs open for a split second, before closing it and opening it again. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah. Just moved back. But I’d lived there for seven years after we…” Aaron trails off.

Aaron and Robert had met in Liverpool but when they got to know each other, they found out they had a common link in Emmerdale. Aaron was saving money to make it down there when he had met Robert. 

“I still haven’t been back.” Robert softly confesses, scratching at his chin thoughtfully. There’s something else on his face that Aaron can’t decipher.

“I moved to Leeds about a year ago from London.” Robert offers. “Might eventually reach out to Vic and Diane. Dunno when though.”

“You’ve been in London this whole time?” Aaron asks.

“Oh...no.” Robert starts. “Did a lot of travelling. Was always moving around for a long time. I settled back in London five years ago…” Robert continues talking, but Aaron momentarily zones out, just taking in Robert. 

Aaron had met Robert when he had been placed in Liverpool for an exchange for some work thing. They met when Aaron was working at some shitty Tesco bagging groceries in the beginning of the summer. Robert had moved back to London at the end of the program at the end of the summer, the two of them more than a little in love with each other. It seemed like a lifetime ago, and now they’re here, in a random coffeehouse in Leeds.

“...but now I’m settled here, and Seb really seems to like it here. And really, that’s all that matters.” Robert finishes and Aaron feels like an ass because he has no idea who the hell Seb is or what he was talking about. Judging by the way Robert phrased it, it makes Aaron think maybe Seb is Robert’s dog. So he nods like he’s been listening and not living in his memories.

“Have you dated a lot since us?” Robert asks after a beat of silence. Aaron is truly impressed they waited this long to broach the subject.

“Well I wasn’t going to be celibate, was I? But no, not a lot. Nothing that really-”

“Sticks.” Robert finishes with a knowing look. Aaron knows he should correct Robert. Ed and Aaron are much more than something that ‘sticks’.

“Listen, d’ya fancy getting some food?” Aaron asks instead. He doesn’t want this moment to end, and still has so many questions he wants to ask Robert. Robert looks eager to agree before his eyes fall to his watch.

“I can’t. I’m sorry.” Robert apologizes, draining his americano. Aaron probably looks as crestfallen as he feels, because Robert pulls out a square tin with a reassuring smile. He opens it to reveal business cards and he hands one to Aaron. “It’s not that I don’t want to, I want nothing more than to spend the rest of the day with you. But I have to go.” Robert explains softly. He reaches out to touch Aaron, but almost as if remembering himself, he pulls away.

Aaron wants to tell Robert he can touch him if he wants - it’s where Robert’s hands rightfully belong. For a fleeting moment, he thinks of Ed, before picks up the business card Robert gives him.

“Ring me, yeah? Or drop a text.” Robert says with a soft smile on his face. Aaron can’t believe this is his reality: speaking to Robert, being in Robert’s presence. Robert nods once and pulls on his overcoat. Just before he leaves, he does touch Aaron, a soft press of his fingers to the back of Aaron’s neck.

Aaron refuses to watch Robert walk away. The last time he did, Aaron never saw him again. Instead, he looks at the business card. It has the company’s name, and under it, in tidy letters, Robert Sugden Estate Manager. Aaron smiles forlornly. So much time has passed. Aaron wants to know how Robert got this position, what he’s been doing these last ten years, his life story.

His phone buzzes with a text from Adam asking where he ran off to. Aaron pockets the business card and gives Adam a ring so they can head back to Emmerdale, sans a car crusher but with so much more.

*

When Aaron gets back to The Mill, he maniacally tears through his closet. He chucks everything out as he finally finds a little chest he hasn't opened in years. Ten years to be exact.

Shaking a little, Aaron opens the chest. Neatly put together are letters Robert had sent him when he went back to London. 

Love letters. 

Aaron would fall asleep reading those letters until he would have them memorized. Then Robert would send another one starting the process over. 

But atop all those letters was a piece of thread that once sat encircled around Aaron's left ring finger. He still remembers when Robert had given it to him. The memory burned into his head forever.

"This might be crazy, but will ya marry me?" Robert asked, using his elbow to get up and look down at Aaron. They had spent the afternoon laying on the grass gazing at the clouds.

Aaron chuckled unbelievably, "You what?"

"I mean it. Will you marry me?" Robert repeated, looking intently at Aaron. It was one of the things he loved about Robert - his intensity.

"That's not even possible for people like us." Aaron said. He knew in the bones of his body he probably did want to marry Robert, which is daft since they've only known each other for a short time. Still, these weeks have been the best times of his life.

"Okay, then when it's legalized, you'll marry me?" Robert asked again.

Aaron pretended to consider it, just to see Robert’s reaction. “Say yes,” Robert clutched at Aaron urgently.

"S'pose it's a good way to make sure we're still together by then." Aaron grinned. Robert looked around to make sure no one was around and then he leaned down and kissed Aaron.

“Say it.” Robert demanded when they pulled away from each other, but there’s a soft look on his face contradicting the urgency of his words.

“Yes. Yes I’ll marry you.” Aaron laughed, reaching up and kissing Robert again.

"We need rings." Robert said after pulling away from Aaron. He grabs the edge of the blanket they’re laying on and rips a piece of thread from the tassels. He ties it into a circle, and with a grin, slides the thread down Aaron’s finger. "Guess you're stuck with me, Mr. Sugden." Robert teased.

"Is that so, Mr. Livesy?" Aaron teased back, feeling giddy and unreal. The makeshift ring stayed on Aaron's finger the entire summer. He would sometimes play with it, a smile on his face. But most of all, he loved to call Robert his fiance, even if it was just to each other. 

Aaron sighs mournfully as he remembers that day. They were so in love even though they hadn’t known each other that long. Aaron had ran away from his father’s home, and landed in Liverpool of all places. He had been living in Liverpool for a year before Robert walked into the Tesco. 

Before their relationship could even take off to be the all-consuming love Aaron knew it could be, he found out about Chrissie. Chrissie White, the daughter of Lawrence White. The excessively wealthy and prominent figure in the business world. Robert was engaged to Chrissie, had been since the beginning of the summer, before Robert left to Liverpool and met Aaron.

When Aaron had found out, he slid the thread off his finger and gave it to Robert wordlessly. Robert had looked broken-hearted and refused to take it. 

If there was a truth Aaron wholeheartedly believed when he was a kid, it was that he was unworthy to be loved. His mother walked out on his family, his father abused him in the worst possible way. By the time he had met Robert, he had been jaded and angry and felt unlovable.

Robert had opened his heart in a way he didn’t think was possible. He was so happy and carefree that summer they were together. They hadn’t known each other two months before Robert proposed to him. Aaron, being the naive fool he was, thought maybe he could be worthy of love.

When he had found about Chrissie, Aaron didn’t fight for Robert - resigned to the fact he didn’t deserve the love that he and Robert shared that summer. Robert had sent those letters after their disastrous end in a bid to show Aaron they were good, that Chrissie didn’t mean anything and they could be together after Aaron could save enough money to meet Robert in London. 

Aaron knew after Chrissie, he would never be going down to London, the betrayal too raw and too much for a jaded kid like Aaron. Yet he kept those stupid letters because he wanted to believe that maybe someone did love him.

The thread ring was slightly frayed when Robert had torn it from the blanket but it was the only damage to it. Aaron’s not sure why he’s kept both the letters and the ring after all these years - perhaps he’s more sentimental than he thinks. He lugged that little chest around flats and homes he’s lived in, but it’s the first time he’s looked at its contents since he carefully compiled everything and locked it away.

Aaron’s phone vibrates on the bed when he flung everything on there in his bed to find the chest. Shaking out of his memories, Aaron digs under the pile of clothes and junk to find a text from Ed.

Gonna have to stay here for an extra week. I’ll call when practice is over xx

Instead of responding to the text, Aaron digs out the business cards he had received from the convention. At the top, Robert’s sat. There’s an office number and a mobile number that Aaron quickly inputs into his phone and saves it.

Hiya. It’s aaron. Wanna grab a pint sometime?

Aaron puts his phone down before he second guesses his decision. To keep from staring at his phone, he cleans the mess he’s made. The chest, he puts in the nightstand on Aaron’s side of the bed. Vaguely, Aaron finds it strange to call it his side when Ed hasn’t slept in this bed since they’ve moved in.

*

Robert is rushing through the streets, but he feels distracted. Aaron Livesy. He had not thought about him in so long and being confronted with him again after so many years almost felt earth shattering. 

The beard was unexpected, but suited Aaron well. He had lost a lot of that chav look - the tracksuits gone, his shaven hair grown into soft curls atop his head. Robert doesn’t think he himself has changed all that much so it was shocking to see how different Aaron looked. But he was still inherently Aaron which is how Robert was able to recognize him despite the difference in appearance. 

He wished they had seen each other sooner, had a little more time before Robert had to rush off to pick up Seb. He’s still rushing to get to the daycare, but it was worth that fleeting moment with the man who was the love of his life ten years ago. 

He’s almost out of breath by the time he makes it to the daycare. When he walks through the door, Amelia is there to greet him.

“Hiya. Sorry about the time.” Robert apologizes to her.

“That’s okay. How did the convention go?” She asks friendly enough. She fills out the sign out information before handing it to Robert to sign.

“It was....fantastic.” Robert replies, thinking of Aaron, and signing the sheet. She looks a little surprised by his answer. Before she comments on it, Seb is being walked out. As always, Seb gets excited seeing his dad, and runs over to him.

With a smile, Robert says goodbye to the ladies and they are on their way back home.

When they get back to the flat, Seb runs to their breakfast island and climbs onto one of the barstools giving Robert a cheeky grin. They’ve settled into a routine that after he picks Seb up from daycare, they make tea together. Seb ‘helps’ by watching Robert cook at the island and gives his input on certain food items.

Right before Robert sits down next to Seb, he sees a text from an unknown number. His face splits into a smile when he reads that it’s from Aaron. And even better, it’s an invitation to see each other again. He quickly responds, smile still on his face.

A pint sounds great.

Where and when?

it was so good to see you.

Robert is not a double texter, never mind a triple texter, but he couldn’t help it. He feels a little like a teenager again, asking out his crush. He pockets his phone after Seb is asking Robert to join him at the table to eat.

*

Aaron plays nervously with the coaster his pint had been sitting on. The condensation has weakened the papery coaster enough for Aaron to start peeling and picking at it. Robert should have been here half an hour ago. Aaron had suggested a pub in Hotten as a middle ground for the two of them. 

But now, he’s starting to feel foolish for even having suggested they meet up. Aaron thought Robert was just as keen to see him. But so far, he has not texted Aaron telling him he was running late or got held up. Aaron is more than halfway through his pint, and once he’s done with it, he’s going to head back to Emmerdale with his tail between his legs.

More time ticks away, Aaron is deliberately taking his time to finish his pint. He’s stopped looking up every time he sees the door open and instead trains his eyes on the tabletop. The wet coaster has eroded under Aaron’s nervous ministrations, a small pile of paper crumbs is all that is left.

“Hiya.” Aaron snaps up, the voice immediately recognizable. Robert is standing over the table with a smile, looking down at Aaron. His face is flushed, Aaron’s not sure if it’s because of the cool November air or another factor at play.

“Was wondering if I was gettin’ stood up.” Aaron grumbles. Robert’s smile doesn’t falter as he winces at Aaron’s bitching.

“Yeah, sorry about that.” Robert says but offers no other explanation as to why he was late. He comes to sit next to Aaron instead of across - pressing his thigh against Aaron’s. Aaron doesn’t pull away.

“That’s alright. Started without you, though.” Aaron lifts his almost empty pint. He contemplates telling Robert it was his timer just to be facetious. 

“Then the next one’s on me.” Robert says, divesting his overcoat and getting up from the table before Aaron can say anything. He walks to the bar and Aaron admires his retreating body. Robert orders and turns around to look at Aaron, his back against the bar. He’s being more blatant in the way he’s looking at Aaron - either the setting gives him more confidence than a coffeehouse, or he feels more spurred on because they’ve been texting every day since they met again.

The bartender impatiently interrupts Robert’s starting by pushing the pints by Robert’s arm. Robert gives his card to the bartender and walks back to where Aaron is sat, not breaking eye contact.

“Cheers.” Aaron says once Robert places the pints down. Robert once again sits next to Aaron. They fall into an awkward silence afterward. It’s more charged than when they were at the coffeehouse. Like they’re both expecting something from one another but unsure how to get it.

But it’s also awkward because Aaron is itching to ask about Robert’s past, he’s just not sure if he’s allowed. They’ve carefully avoided past topics while they’ve been texting, focusing instead on innocuous things that happened during the week.

“So-” Aaron starts.

“Are-” Robert says at the same time.

They both chuckle but Robert makes the ‘go ahead’ gesture with his hand. “You know I’m going to ask about Chrissie.” Aaron says softly. But by the way Robert pulls a face, he probably wasn’t expecting it.

“What about her?” Robert asks.

“What do you mean ‘what about her’? She’s the whole reason we broke up!” Now it’s Aaron’s turn to pull a face.

Robert remains quiet. He’s making this face Aaron recognizes, where he’s weighing his words before speaking. “When she came up to Liverpool and found us together...that was it. She broke it off and she had packed all my things when I made it back to London.”

Aaron sits there, a little stunned by what Robert is saying. “That’s not how you made it seem.”

“No.” Robert agrees. “I was a wreck when I got back to London. Homeless. Embarrassed about people knowing about my sexuality. Chrissie hardly kept it a secret. After finding a flat, I spent a good few weeks drunk every night.” Aaron nods with a sour smile. They were unable to acknowledge their sexualities when they first started dating and even after their ‘engagement’. It was after Aaron moved to Emmerdale that he finally accepted himself. He wonders how long it took for Robert to accept it.

“I clung to the hope you would take me up on the offer of coming down to live with me in London. After a few of my letters came back unopened, I snapped out of it and went up to Liverpool to beg you to take me back. When I got there, your landlady said you had left. Didn’t know where to.” Robert chuckles bitterly. “Should’ve known it was to Emmerdale.”

Aaron tries to swallow around a lump in his throat. “You came looking for me?”

“I did. You were it for me, Aaron. I wanted you. I still want you.” Robert takes one of Aaron’s hands into his own. When Aaron was young and stupid, he used to think their hands fit like a jigsaw puzzle. Looking at their enclosed hands, he thinks he may want to revisit that notion. It felt right, holding Robert’s hand.

“Is this okay?” Robert asks and it makes Aaron want to cry. 

“More than.” Aaron murmurs back. It feels strange, knowing what he knows now. For ten years, Aaron believed Robert gave up on them after Chrissie found out. Yes, the letters were proof that Robert still wanted Aaron, but he had always thought Robert just wanted him as a bit on the side. And the fact that Robert came to Liverpool looking for him changes things too.

Aaron couldn’t take the letters and loneliness any longer and finally had enough money to make it down to his family in Emmerdale. What would have happened if Robert had come before Aaron left?

They sit there, quiet and lost in their memories, just holding each other’s hands. Neither one of them say anything. Robert rubs his thumb across Aaron’s hand and slowly leans forward towards Aaron. He does nothing to rebuff him as Robert presses his lips to Aaron’s. And it feels like coming home. 

Aaron takes his hand away from under Robert’s to cup his face, maneuvering to get even closer to Robert. Robert wraps his arms around Aaron and deepens the kiss. It’s firey and different than the shy but loving kisses they shared their summer together. Time has given them both experience and Aaron feels his breath being taken away both literally and metaphorically. 

When they break apart, Aaron rests his forehead on Robert’s shoulder, breathing heavily. Robert still has arms around Aaron, and he’s rubbing his hands up and down his back in a soothing manner. Everything around them has faded away, and all that matters is this moment between them. 

“Come back to mine?” Aaron asks boldly, turning his head to look up at Robert. Robert quirks a regretful smile, and Aaron knows the answer before Robert even speaks.

“Not tonight.” Robert predictably says. “Not with Diane and Vic there. I can’t do it.”

Aaron removes himself from Robert to look at him properly. “I get it.”

“I’m sorry.” Robert says, “And with Seb…”

“Robert, I get it.” Aaron firmly says, but not unkindly. Aaron doesn’t mind dogs, but apparently Robert feels weird about it, so he’s not going to push it. They share a few more kisses, and leave the pub when last call is announced with the promise they will see each other again and soon.

It’s not ideal that neither one of them can go to the other’s flat, but carrying on with Robert in the first place isn’t ideal either. This should be an indication Aaron should stop this before anyone gets hurt. Especially Robert.

But...Robert came looking for him ten years ago.

*

Robert and Aaron continue to see each other. Meeting in Hotten is the best situation for the pair of them, Robert not feeling comfortable going down to Emmerdale so he doesn’t have to sneak in and out of Aaron’s flat, but also not ready to introduce Aaron to Seb if he were to come to Robert’s flat in Leeds. It works for now, but it’s becoming apparent they both want to spend more time with each other, every evening they spend a little longer than the last. 

Then, when they don’t see each other, he and Aaron text everyday. It puts a permanent smile on his face. His coworkers have been teasing him and even Amelia makes a comment about his changed demeanor.

He can’t help it. He hasn’t been this happy in a long time. There have been two moments in Robert’s life that were the best times of his life: when he held Seb for the first time and when he proposed to Aaron. Now those two worlds have collided, of course he’s happy.

Their first date had been better than he expected, and it felt good to clear the air about things in their past. Robert had noticed a change in Aaron when he found out that Robert had gone back to Liverpool. He never regretted going to look for Aaron, he only ever regretted getting there too late. It seemed Aaron had regrets too, but now that they’ve found each other again, those regrets can be eased. 

He’s sitting on the couch, Seb curled next to him as they watch some campy kid’s show, when his phone vibrates. It’s Aaron. Untangling himself from Seb, he walks out to his balcony.

“Busy?” Aaron’s voice comes through when Robert answers.

“Just watching tv with Seb.” Robert replies, looking inside and sees that Seb is still engrossed with the show. Aaron laughs aloud at Robert’s response. It warms Robert, even if he’s not entirely sure what’s so funny.

“Listen, I overheard Vic and Diane earlier. Said something about going to Hotten to have dinner. Thought maybe you wanted to come on over to mine. Don’t have to worry about sneaking.” Aaron suggests.

“Is that so?” Robert purrs back, knowing exactly what Aaron is suggesting.

“What do you say?” Aaron coyly asks.

“I say, I better get a move on to your place.” Robert grins. Aaron tells Robert he lives in the Mill before hanging up.

Robert scrambles to get his sitter to come watch Seb as he also tries to get ready. They were both quite clear what was going to happen this evening, and Robert just hopes he can get back to Leeds before the sitter will charge him an exorbitant fee. The thought makes him feel giddy, but also guilty. He had planned on spending the evening with Seb.

But Seb seems unconcerned by Robert getting ready to leave. He’s been starting to feel less anxious about being away from Robert which is the only reason Robert even feels comfortable leaving him with the sitter. Seb comes and sits on Robert’s bed with the firepad that Robert had given to him for his fifth birthday.

“Are you going to be a good boy tonight?” Robert asks when the sitter gets there in record time. Seb gives a mischievous grin but nods innocently. Robert knows better than to believe Seb’s smile. He likes to pretend to be bad, but every person who has sat for Seb has never had any big issues with him. He gives Seb a quick kiss and is out the door.

Adrenaline is coursing through Robert the entire drive. He makes it in an astounding twenty minutes. While he’s proud he made it there so quickly, it’s also a reminder how close his family is to him, and for the second time this evening, Robert feels guilty. 

It’s strange pulling around Emmerdale. The village he has not seen in years. The winter sun has blanketed the village in twilight leaving it lit only by street lamps. Robert is thankful the Mill is slightly detached from the village - he doesn’t think he would see anyone he recognizes, but he’s glad he can hide away with Aaron.

When he rings the bell to Aaron’s flat, Aaron immediately ushers him in. It’s not until they’re inside, secured behind closed doors that Aaron pushes Robert against a wall and kisses him senseless.

“Took ya long enough.” Aaron teases when he pulls away.

“I’ll have you know I got here in excellent time.” Robert teases back.

Aaron laughs and shakes his head. “Beer?” Aaron offers, which Robert accepts. It gives him time to look around the flat. It’s open and homey, but decorated in a way that Robert wouldn’t have pictured Aaron living in. Although, the only frame of reference Robert has is the shittiest flat imaginable that Aaron rented in Liverpool. Robert hated that flat with a passion, making Aaron come over to his work issued flat.

He sees a picture frame on the mantle of the fireplace. Curiosity gets the better of him, going over to take a look. It’s Aaron and another man: they’re both grinning at the camera standing below a finish line. Aaron looks happy and carefree with the other man, who is fit in his own right, but not Robert’s type. He hears Aaron’s footsteps come back to the living area, two beers in hand.

“Where was this?” Robert asks, taking the offered beer and placing the picture back on the mantle.

Aaron chews at his lip for a moment. “Monaco. Went to the Grand Prix last year.”

They talked about Aaron being in France. Robert doesn’t know the exact reason for leaving to France and returning, but he does know Aaron spent some two years there. “Nice one.” Robert settles on with a smile. He doesn’t care much about the other bloke, but it’s clearly a cherished memory to have displayed. It makes sense, given Aaron’s love for motors and racing.

Aaron doesn’t say anything in return, but goes to sit on the couch. He spreads his thighs out obscenely, but gives Robert an innocent look. Robert grins, walking over to Aaron, he places his beer on the coffee table and sits next to Aaron. They are both fooling neither one with their blase attitude, but Robert is feeling playful.

“Tell me about the race.” He murmurs, reaching over to Aaron’s pants and unbuttons the top button. Aaron quirks an eyebrow.

“What - ah - do you want to know?” Aaron stutters when Robert pulls out his hardening dick and strokes it.

Robert moves off the couch to kneel in front of Aaron, “Everything.” Robert replies, then takes him deep into his mouth. Aaron groans, shifting, but Robert holds his hips down. Robert never did this when they were together, too embarrassed and scared. Now, he’s determined to show Aaron the tricks he’s learned in ten years. 

Aaron tries to say something to answer Robert and continue this game, but Robert doubles down in his efforts, hollowing his cheeks and taking as much of Aaron’s dick as he can. Aaron is writhing and fisting his hands around the upholstery of the couch. Right before he’s about to come, he taps Robert’s shoulder but Robert ignores it in favor of swallowing as much of Aaron as he could.  

Robert looks up with his eyes half lidded to Aaron, who looks completely blissed out. He rests his cheek on Aaron’s inner thigh and looks at him, “Where’s the bedroom?”

*

They lay next to each other, sated and satisfied. The sex was worth the wait, and Aaron doesn’t feel an ounce of shame or betrayal with it. Robert’s phone rang twice earlier but he had ignored it, electing to focus on Aaron, but it chimes out yet again. Robert groans before rolling over to reach for his phone. “Christ,” He mutters as he reads the notifications.

“Bad news?” Aaron asks, watching Robert’s face frown in concentration.

“Yeah, it’s Seb. Apparently he’s been sick all evening and been crying for me.” Robert sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. Aaron wants to laugh of the neediness of this dog.

“He tell you that, did he?” Aaron jokes. Robert had already gotten out of bed and tugging on his jumper, but he stops to give Aaron a funny look.

“No, his sitter did.” Robert says slowly, but Aaron’s not sure why he’s acting like Aaron is the idiot. Who gets a sitter for a dog just for an evening?

They stare at each other for a few seconds before Robert speaks again. “Sorry, have I not told you about Seb?”

Aaron feels like he’s missing something, “I thought you had, but now I’m not so sure.”

Robert heaves a heavy sigh, and sits back down on the bed, placing a gentle hand on Aaron’s leg. “Seb is my son.”

For a moment, the world stands still and Aaron says nothing. Robert is looking at him expectantly, yet no words come out.  

“Okay.” Aaron finally says after a long and awkward silence. It makes sense, given the way Robert talked about Seb that it wasn’t a dog. But the fact Robert has a kid makes this all the more real and heavy.

“I hate to drop this bomb on you and then leave. But I do have to go.” Robert says apologetically. Aaron nods, still processing the fact Robert is a father.

“I want to talk about this. Can we? Later, I mean.” Robert continues, standing up and tugging his trousers back on.

“Okay.” Aaron says again. Robert finishes dressing, and looks at Aaron, who is still laying in bed naked. 

He walks back to Aaron with sad eyes. “Come on over tomorrow. I’ll text you my address?”

“Okay.” Aaron says for a third time, feeling like a broken record. Robert hesitates, but bends down to give Aaron a kiss. He smiles at Aaron but then is out the door. Aaron gets up and looks out the window, watching Robert sneak into his car to avoid being seen by any of the villagers despite the lateness of the night.

Later, after Aaron tosses the sheets into the laundry, he sees two texts. One, from Ed, informing Aaron he’ll probably be getting into Emmerdale tomorrow evening. The other, from Robert, is his address to his flat in Leeds. 

Reading Ed’s text, Aaron wonders what the fuck he’s doing. He wonders why he doesn’t even feel ashamed of the fact he slept with another man the day before his boyfriend is coming back home. 

*

Aaron is filled with nerves as he drives to Leeds. He doesn’t know why he’s doing this. It’s still early enough that he can get to Leeds and back to Emmerdale before Ed gets there, none the wiser.

When Aaron comes into Robert’s flat, he’s impressed with the space. The front door opens into the living room with french doors that lead to a large balcony space and lets in most of the natural light into the flat. The kitchen is situated to the left of the front door, large cabinetry line the walls and there’s a grand stone island with barstools. There’s a hallway across from the kitchen that Aaron assumes where the bedrooms are located.

But amongst all the space is the very real presence of a child. In the kitchen, a child’s artwork is tacked on the stainless steel refrigerator. The living room, toys and small clothes scattered on the couch and floor. It’s this sight that makes Aaron fully realize that Robert is a dad.

“This is nice.” Aaron comments as Robert lets him in. Robert looks momentarily bashful but accepts the compliment.

“Seb is asleep in his room, still feeling sick, he’s sleeping off his fever. Let’s go outside.” Robert says, leading them to the doors. The terrace is lined with hedges atop half walls to act as a sound barrier between flats. There’s a bistro table set that Robert places two mugs on. Even more toys are out here - heavy durable plastic toys that most likely stay outdoors all the time, judging by the sun faded colors.

“Hope you still take your brew the same.” Robert nervously says, toying with the handle of his mug. Aaron has never seen him so vulnerable. He’s not sure he likes it.

“I do, ta.” Aaron says, taking a sip of his tea. Robert smiles and takes a sip himself.

“So er...is the mum still around?” Aaron starts when it becomes apparent that Robert is too nervous to begin.

“No. Ah…” Robert looks deep into the mug, as if it would give him the words he needed to say. “No, Seb’s mum was Rebecca, Chrissie’s sister. But she died in a car accident a year ago.”

Aaron doesn’t know where to begin with this revelation. He feels the cool breeze on his face, and hears faint voices coming from the street. “Oh.” Aaron finally settles on dumbly. 

“I’m going about this all wrong.” Robert says cynically. “Let me start over. After I found out you weren’t in Liverpool anymore, I was in a bad way when I got back to London. I started drinking again and fucking around, and I slept with Rebecca. She always had a thing for me when I first got with Chrissie so I used that to sleep with her. I didn’t see her again until three years later, then we started something very casual. It never became something more. We were on and off for a while, she was always sprinting off to a new destination. Sometimes, when I had extra cash on hand, I’d join her in these exotic places.” It sounded all loved out and perfect and Aaron feels bitterness overtake him.

“Then she got pregnant and the travelling ended. She came back to London and we tried to make a go of things. But we were never one for monogamy. We broke up for good right before Seb was born. She gave me primary custody because she still wanted to travel. She always loved Seb, she just...never wanted Seb. Then over a year ago, she died in a car accident. Her whole family, actually.” Robert looks out the balcony, a faraway look on his face. Aaron takes Robert’s hand that’s sitting next to the mug, and gives it a small squeeze. 

Aaron had always known about Robert’s bisexaulity. When they were ‘engaged’, they had talked about it. Robert had never been with a man before Aaron (and Aaron hadn’t either), so they talked about past relationships. It didn’t bother Aaron at the time, he thought maybe he was bisexual too but that was still because he was in denial of his own sexuality. 

After their relationship had fallen apart, Aaron had started disliking the very idea of bi people. He had subscribed to the misconceptions of bi people being greedy and not being able to make up their minds. It’s been years since Aaron felt that way, however. He knows it’s not a choice, much like his gayness isn’t a choice. 

“Daddy?” A small voice breaks the silence that has fallen between Robert and Aaron. He looks over to the french doors and sees a little boy, who looks exactly like Robert. He’s peeking his head out of the door, hiding himself behind the door frame. He’s looking shyly at Aaron, his face is red from both the nap he had awoken from and the fever, Aaron’s guessing.

“Come here, Seb.” Robert says, beckoning the boy over. Seb eagerly throws the door open and runs over to Robert. He climbs on top Robert’s lap and buries his head in the crook of his neck. He peeks over to look at Aaron before burrowing his head again. It’s all very sweet, but it makes Aaron feel out of place.

“Are you feeling better?” Robert asks, stroking Seb’s back. Seb nods into Robert’s neck but says nothing. “Can you say hi to my friend, Aaron?”

Seb finally stops peeking over to Aaron, and looks at him properly. Aaron was right, he is almost a spitting image of Robert. He gives Aaron a small smile, “Hiya Aaron.” 

Aaron returns the smile, “Hi Seb.” Seb ducks back into Robert’s neck, obviously bashful that Aaron knew his name. Robert is looking at Aaron with a softness in his eyes, and it makes his heart beat quickly. 

He isn’t ready to do this. Be friendly to this child who belongs to Robert. It still feels very strange and Aaron needs to wrap his head around it. He abruptly stands, making excuses that he needs to go now. Robert frowns, still stroking Seb’s back, but accepts Aaron’s excuse. Aaron manages to say bye to the two of them, and is out the door. His heart is hammering and he feels a little overwhelmed.

Aaron’s heart hasn’t calmed down by the time he’s pulling into the Mill’s driveway. In fact, it doubles down, when he sees Ed’s rented car parked in the driveway.

Get a grip , Aaron tells himself when he parks the car. There’s a lie already on his tongue when he comes through the door. Ed crowds his space, unconcerned with Aaron’s tardiness and gives him a right kiss. 

“I missed you.” Ed sighs against Aaron’s body, and Aaron shakily wraps his arms around Ed. 

“Yeah, me too.” But all Aaron can think about is the boy Seb and his father.

*

It’s been two weeks since Aaron was over at Robert’s flat, and he has not heard from Aaron during that time. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t concerned. He’s texted Aaron a few times but haven’t heard anything back. He keeps replaying the moment on the balcony, and wonders if actually seeing Seb scared Aaron away.

He’s tried to keep busy, decorating the flat with Christmas decorations and lights. Him and Seb put up two trees. One, decorated perfectly as Robert wants it to be, and the other for Seb to decorate the way he wants. Seb’s tree is smaller and placed on the coffee table in the living room, while Robert’s is larger and sits between the french doors and the hallway.

Robert is throwing a net of lights over the balcony hedges when his phone starts vibrating in his back pocket. His stomach drops when he sees that it’s Aaron calling.

“Hiya.” Aaron’s tinny voice says when Robert answers and it washes over Robert.

“Hiya. Thought maybe I scared you off.” Robert confesses, clutching at the phone.

“I’ve been busy with work and family, soz.” Aaron pauses, “But you didn’t scare me off. Actually, I was calling because when I got home earlier, I saw in the post an advertisement for a fun fair. Thought it’d be a laugh for us to take Seb.”

Aaron’s words make the blood in Robert’s veins sing. “Are you serious? You want to do that?”

“Sure. He’s your son, innit he? I don’t want to put you out with always having to get a sitter when we see each other.” Aaron says like it’s the most practical thing in the world. 

“I never would want to force him on you…” Robert says softly. He hopes Aaron doesn’t think he has to do this now that he knows about Seb.

“You don’t have to. I want to meet him properly and get to know him.” Aaron firmly says.

Robert smiles with tears in his eyes. Aaron’s heart has always been so generous, it’s one of the many things Robert had loved about him when they first were together. It seems the years haven’t done much to dull that generosity. “Let me ask him, and I’ll let you know what he says.” Robert promises.

They ease into idle conversation, catching up on the two weeks they hadn’t spoken. Robert’s relieved that it’s just that Aaron was busy that he was silent, and not because of Seb. 

*

The fun fair is surprisingly packed despite the cold weather. Holiday decorations have lined the fairgrounds, with santa, elves and other festive costumed employees milling about. Seb is overwhelmed with excitement. Every time he starts to walk to something, there’s another thing that catches his eye. It’s amusing to Aaron seeing this child act so excited and happy. He keeps pulling Robert’s hand and talking - the opposite of how he was when Aaron first met him.

There’s a booth lined with stuffed toys as the prizes and Seb’s eyes immediately widen, taking in the toys. He starts begging Robert if he could win the elephant for him, which is the biggest of all the stuffed toys.

“I don’t think I can win it…” Robert starts doubtfully. It’s a ring the bell kind of game with a mallet to use.

“Spend too much time in a cushy office to test your strength, then?” Aaron teases. He pushes past Robert and hands the barker some cash to try it out. After spending months hauling scrap and even years as a mechanic, a game like this will be easy to win.

Seb lets go of Robert’s hand and follows Aaron, it’s funny how quickly he abandons Robert in favor of Aaron. Aaron picks up the mallet and hits the spring as hard as he can. The puck goes up the tower and hits the bell immediately. But in order to win the elephant, he has to hit the bell two more times. Seb is watching him intently, the hero of today’s outing. Aaron hits the bell a second time and Seb is practically vibrating with excitement. Even Robert comes next to Seb to cheer Aaron on.

Feeling the pressure of wanting to win, but also impress Seb and Robert, Aaron feels his palms get a bit sweaty. He misses the third time, but gets one more chance, which he manages to hit. Seb immediately starts cheering and goes to pick out the large elephant. 

Seb is chattering with the barker, when Robert comes over and trails his hand along Aaron’s arm. “Looks like being a scrapper comes in handy,” Robert murmurs softly, sending shivers down Aaron’s spine. Robert immediately pulls away when Seb turns back with the elephant in hand.

“Here ya go Aaron.” Seb thrusts the elephant to Aaron with a gigantic grin on his face.

“What are you talking about, it’s yours.” Aaron laughs, pushing the stuffed toy back to him. Seb’s eyes light up, but he looks hesitatingly to Robert, who gives him an encouraging smile. The smile spurs him on and he wraps his arms around the toy. It’s a large toy, about half the size of Seb, but he doesn’t let it go the rest of the day’s outing. He clutches it when he goes on the rides, puts it between Robert and himself when they ride the bumper cars, and places it on the bench while he waits for Robert to go buy him candy floss.

“Thank you Aaron.” Seb says all bashful while they wait for Robert to come back.

“No problem little man.” Aaron says, feeling strange. He’s not sure where ‘little man’ comes from, but it obviously pleases Seb, who looks even more happy after Aaron says it.

Finding out Robert had a son freaked Aaron out. The two weeks after, Aaron tried to forget about Robert, devoting all his energy in being the best boyfriend to Ed and spending more time at the scrapyard. It was too much. He had selfishly pursued Robert again because it felt right after the ten years apart, but after hearing Robert had a kid, it seemed all too serious. Seeing the advert for the fun fair broke his resolve pretty quickly. Aaron was calling Robert before he could finish going through his post. 

Robert comes back with the candy floss, taking a chunk out before handing it to Seb. They walk once more around the grounds as Seb finishes his candy floss. But soon, the sun isn’t doing much to stave off the bitter cold winds and they have to usher into Robert’s car back to his flat.

When they get back to Robert’s flat, Seb goes straight to his room to play with the elephant Aaron won for him. Robert had been complaining about the cold weather messing with his knees and hobbles to the couch to stretch out his legs, wincing at the pain.

“Don’t laugh, this will be you in a couple of years.” Robert grouses when he sees Aaron’s amused expression. He’s gently massaging his knee, sighing at the relief. Aaron goes and sits next to Robert, pulling Robert’s legs onto his lap.

“Give it here, old man.” Aaron teases, batting away Robert’s hands and begins to massage the knee himself. Robert reclines so his back is to the arm rest and closes his eyes. Aaron kneads the gnarled knee and Robert hums softly as Aaron’s finger work carefully. Aaron hears Seb down the hall talking to himself, most likely as he plays with his new stuffed toy.

“Thanks for today.” Robert says, opening his eyes to look at Aaron. “Not just for taking care of an invalid like me, but the fun fair, too. I know Seb really enjoyed it.”

“He’s not the only one.” Aaron replies, feeling affection rush through him at the sincerity of Robert’s words. He wanted to make a good impression on Seb, even if he didn’t fully understand why.

“Today has made me think.” Robert continues. “I’ve been thinking about maybe reaching out to Vic and Diane.”

Aaron, for the briefest moment, stops his ministrations. He resumes his massage as quickly as he stopped, but his heart is hammering, “About?”

“I don’t know, everything I guess. They have a right to meet Seb, and Seb deserves to know his family. Plus, you'll keep having to come up here because if I do stay with you, I have to sneak out before anyone is up. It’s not fair to you that you're coming up here to meet me.” Robert explains softly. 

“I don’t mind coming up here to see you.” Aaron says, latching onto the last part of Robert’s explanation. He wants to diffuse the situation as quickly as possible, panic of potentially ruining this begins to gnaw at him. “I like this. You, me, and Seb. Maybe I’m selfish, but I want to keep it just us for now.”

Robert gives a small smile and reaches to place his hand on Aaron’s hands. “I get it. Okay, but only for a little longer.” Robert says, and all Aaron can do is nod. 

Robert’s knees start to feel better after taking a paracetamol and they cook tea together, standing side by side. Seb ventures out of his room when he smells the food, and sits at the island watching them cook. Aaron has these nerves coiling in the pit of his stomach the entire evening.

He knows he’s being incredibly selfish, trying to prevent Robert from talking to his family. But the potential that Robert could mention Aaron to them would ruin everything. He doesn’t want to give this up, but as soon as they know, everything could go up in flames. The thought makes him feel quiet for the rest of the evening. If Robert picked up on the shift of his mood, he makes no comment on it.

*

After Aaron leaves - ruffling Seb’s hair, and dropping a kiss to Robert - Robert walks down the hall towards the bedrooms. He can still hear Seb’s voice as he plays with the toys. He pauses at the frame of the door, careful not to distract Seb. Seb has stuffed toys scattered around the room, the elephant in the middle. He’s making voices for all the animals, a story made up in his mind.

Seb is so caught up in his world and story that he doesn’t see Robert for a few minutes. When he finally looks up, his face brightens and gives Robert his toothy grin that endears Robert so much. Robert crosses through the threshold and sits next to Seb, his long legs sprawling over the floor and knocking a few animals over.

“Didja have fun today?” Robert asks, picking up one of the toys and making it give Seb a kiss on his cheek.

Seb laughs at Robert, batting the toy away from him, but nods, “Yes! And I love Mister Elfant.” Seb grabs Mister ‘Elfant’ and gives it a squeeze and a kiss. Robert wants to ask what Seb thought of Aaron, but didn’t want to make it seem like that was the only reason he came into the room. So, he takes one of the animals and plays along with Seb’s fantasy world.

They play for another hour before Robert makes Seb get ready for bed. He puts on his footie pajamas and Robert goes to tuck him in.

“How did you like Aaron?” Robert finally asks when he gets Seb into his bed.

“I liked him a lot!” Seb enthuses, “He won Mister Elfant for me.”

“He’s nice like that, isn’t he?” Mister Elfant is in bed next to Seb, no doubt his newest prized possession. 

“He’s the best!” Seb replies with another of his toothy grins. Robert kisses the crown of Seb’s head and starts to tell him a bedtime story - Aaron a closed subject for now. Seb is half asleep by the time the story winds to a close. Robert flicks the light off on his way out and crosses the hall to his own room.

The day had been the best in Robert’s recent memory. When he first told Aaron about Seb, he could see the panic in his eyes and Robert worried that it would be the end of their new reestablished relationship. But Aaron offering to take Seb out and be interested in him proved Robert wrong.

When Rebecca died, Seb was understandably so very affected by it. He slept in Robert’s bed for half a year after her death, terrified he would lose his other parent. Seb had only ever known his parents separated, but the loss of Bex was unfair for a four year old. It was only recently Robert has had his bed to himself, Seb is finally coming out of his shell. He wonders if it was too soon to introduce Aaron to him.

But Robert and Aaron...they’ve always been so intense with each other. They were ready to spend the rest of each other’s lives with one another ten years ago. Robert knows he needs to keep a solid head on his shoulders for Seb’s sake. But Robert vaguely knows he can’t date casually anymore. He’s a dual package with Seb, and who he dates are potential parents for Seb. He has to be aware of that, and Robert knows he should let Aaron be aware of it too.

Robert can see why Aaron wants to keep their relationship to themselves, but at the same time, Robert doesn’t want to go back in the closet now that he’s finally free of it. He has spent too much time worried and conscious of how people thought of Robert. Now that he’s out, he has shed some of that. He will let Aaron set the pace for now, but he won’t be making the same mistakes that he made when they first dated.

Chapter 2: The Road to Forgiveness

Notes:

Thank you all so much for the support on the first part! I hope you enjoy this next part! :)

Robert sat in his office feeling upset and forlorn. Saturday afternoon, and he’s at work instead of home. Even worse, it’s March 29th, the first day same sex couples can get married and he’s not marrying Aaron.

Aaron.

Robert didn’t like to think about him. Every time he did, he felt a loss in his heart that he has never been able to fill. He’s been good these past five years - blocking that grumpy kid who was always putty in Robert’s presence. But he can’t help thinking about Aaron today - the buzz since July of last year to this momentous day has made him wry with regret. Even though there was no chance of finding Aaron, Robert had religiously kept up with the legalisation as if he were going to marry Aaron as soon as it passed.

But he should. He should have been able to give notice of intention so he could marry Aaron today. Instead, he’s in his office at work trying to get some space from Rebecca.

They just recently found out she’s pregnant and they’re trying to do the responsible thing and be together for the sake of this newcomer baby. Lawrence and Chrissie hated that he and Rebecca had stayed in touch all these years. They don’t know about the pregnancy yet and Robert knows they were going to kick off when they do. They’ll try to poison Rebecca against him, but he’ll be damned if he doesn’t get to be a part of his child’s life.

Rebecca and Robert had never spent more than a week in each other’s company. It’s been two weeks since they found out and Rebecca moved into Robert’s flat. But certain personality traits and habits were starting to grate on each other. He’s not sure how long they will be able to keep this up.

He sighed wistfully, thoughts turning back to Aaron. In moments of weakness, Robert tried to see if he could find Aaron on social media. He’s never found him - either because Aaron isn’t on it, or because he found Robert first and blocked him. Robert just hopes either way, Aaron is happy. He deserves that more than anything.

I wish I was marrying you today , Robert thinks to himself in despair.

 

With a start, Robert wakes up. The dream memory slowly dissipates as he gathers his surroundings. It’s still dark outside, but he’s home in his flat in Leeds.

He sighs ruefully, scrubbing at his face - he had forgotten about that day. He remembers the days after. More couples marrying each other and being happy. It was then he had told Rebecca about his bisexuality. The first time he had put words to it. Then shortly after that, Vic had called, teary voiced, announcing Jack’s death.

The dream memory is hardly a comfort to him despite having Aaron back in his life. It’s a reminder of all the time and years he’s wasted without Aaron by his side. Fumbling for his phone, the screen momentarily blinds him as his eyes try to adjust. It’s half past four. Heart racing and still feeling out of sorts with that dream, Robert calls Aaron.

Predictably, Aaron doesn't pick up. And why should he? It’s stupidly early. 

Robert lays on his back, staring at the ceiling. It’s been four months since he and Aaron have reunited. It’s everything Robert has ever wanted. Granted, in the four months, there have been times where Aaron will suddenly drop off the face of the earth. Not meeting up, no communication. Robert wants to ask why he goes for days on end without speaking to Robert, but he doesn’t want to push Aaron or sound too needy.

The last time Robert questioned Aaron about his disappearance, it was during Christmas. Aaron couldn’t get away from his family’s do, which Robert understood. But he did not respond to Robert for days, not even when he had invited Aaron up on Boxing Day. It wasn’t until after the new year did Aaron finally talk to Robert again.

They had gotten into a massive row about it. Robert had accused Aaron that he’s being too selfish because he’s always calling the shots while Robert has to wait until Aaron summons him. Robert could’ve finally reached out to his family, and perhaps spent Christmas with Vic and Diane, if Aaron wasn’t so scared of Robert telling them that Aaron is his boyfriend. Aaron, in turn, had told Robert that he was smothering Aaron. That got Robert to stop in his tracks.

They hid in secrecy, the summer of their engagement. They both had mates in the form of coworkers, but neither one of them wanted to tell them about their engagement or relationship. It suited Robert fine then. And yes, he wants more for their relationship now, but if Aaron takes it as him smothering him, then he knows he has to respect it.

So he’s backed off for now, even if he is slightly embittered that Aaron is the one holding all the cards. He can’t complain too much, though. Aaron and Seb have taken a shine to each other and when Aaron is around it’s bliss.

His thoughts have drifted away as he feels sleep coming back to him. Just as he feels like he’s about to fall asleep, his phone starts vibrating on his nightstand.

“Hullo?” Robert answers, voice addled with sleep.

“You rang?” Aaron asks on the other side. His voice sounds similarly tired.

“Yeah, sorry. Had a weird dream, wanted to hear your voice.” Robert rubs at his eyes, suddenly feeling foolish for having called Aaron.

“Soft lad.” Aaron breathes a laugh and Robert can picture Aaron’s face as he says it. “What was it about?”

“Actually it was a memory. The day same sex marriage was legalized. I remember being so upset because I should have been marrying you that day.”

Aaron is quiet for a long while, making Robert wish he could snatch the words back. “Yeah, I did too.” His voice is choked up.

“It makes me feel like shit that I caused us so much pain.” Robert confesses.

“Don’t.”

“Sorry.” Robert says. Aaron doesn’t like to talk about the past very much, but Robert wants him to know how sorry he is for the past ten years.

“I want to show you something.” Aaron changes the subject. “Might be able to come up tonight, if you’re free.”

“Oh?” Robert is intrigued. “Yeah we’ll be here.”

“I’ll let you know if I can make it.” Aaron promises. “I think it will cheer you up.”

“Now I’m really intrigued.” Robert says lightly. Aaron laughs, but doesn’t say anything. “Are you in bed?” Robert asks, deciding not to push it.

“No, out in the back.” Aaron responds.

“Shame…I’m in bed.” Robert stretches out on the bed as if Aaron can see him.

“Careful now.” Aaron’s voice drops but doesn’t play along with Robert is getting at. It’s far too early anyway. They wrap up the conversation shortly afterwards with Aaron reiterating his promise of letting Robert know if he’ll be able to go up to Leeds.

Robert falls back to sleep with a smile on his face.

*

Aaron creeps back inside the Mill. Ed is downstairs in the kitchen, making his breath catch in his throat. “You’re up early.”

“Woke up when you left. Who was that?” Ed asks. He’s dressed in only his boxers and a night gown.

“A contact for work. He’s in a different time zone, didn’t realize how early it is over here.” Aaron shrugs, the lie coming quick enough.

“You should’ve just called back once it’s a reasonable time.” Ed says with a sleepy smile. He’s sat at the table, and Aaron comes over to sit next to him.

“He’s an important contact. Had to take it.”

Ed hums in response but says nothing.

“Are you leaving today?” Aaron asks after the silence lingers.

“Probably. We start training tomorrow.” Ed sighs. He was already supposed to have signed with a new team. He had proclaimed to Aaron and everyone who was listening at the Woolpack on New Year’s Eve that his resolution was to move back to Emmerdale. The club managers have been pussyfooting about salary and which players will be officially signed. It’s starting to take a toll on Ed. He wants to stop going back and forth between France and England, every time he has to go back to France, he’s more sullen.

Aaron is selfishly happy for the circumstances. He felt the walls closing in on him when Ed had made his New Year’s resolution. He had avoided Robert and Seb like the plague for that week of holidays. Ed was coming back to Emmerdale and Aaron had to end it with Robert.

But instead of signing with the team in January like Ed had thought he would, the back and forth with the owners started. Aaron went crawling back to Robert and had to endure a fight with him before they were properly back together. There have been moments when Aaron’s guilt keeps him away from Robert.

“Let’s go back to bed. There’s plenty of time before you have to leave.” Aaron says, tugging Ed’s hand and taking them back to the bedroom. They curl around each other and soon, Ed’s breathing grows steady indicating he’s asleep. Aaron’s mind turns to the chest that sits in the nightstand next to Aaron.

He knows he’s toeing a dangerous line. Every day that passes, the guilt grows. When he’s alone with his thoughts, he doesn’t recognize the person he’s becoming. But when he’s with Ed or Robert, everything is easier. He still loves Ed, but hardly thinks of him when he’s with Robert. It's that guilt that gnaws at him. Everyday, he feels as if a bomb is going to explode and it will all come crashing down.

Aaron remembers the day Robert dreamt about. Aaron had drunk himself to bed the evening before and spent the day throwing up and holed in his bedroom in the pub. Chas didn’t know how to comfort him because he refused to talk about it. He had thrown his chest into the trash - he was sick with anger and heartbrokenness. When he had snapped out of his gloom, he had to dig through rubbish to retrieve it again.

He falls asleep to thoughts of marriage and love letters. When he wakes up, the bed is empty. There are two texts from Ed:

You looked peaceful. Didn’t want to wake you before I left.

Tell that contact next time that your boyfriend was home and you need to spend time with him instead of work. Xx

The worst part of all this is Ed’s obliviousness. He hasn’t suspected a thing, and that blind trust in Aaron makes the guilt settle in his body. It has been three years of commitment and love that of course Ed would never think that Aaron is betraying him in the worst possible way.

By the time Aaron gets up to Leeds, it’s past Seb’s bedtime. He has come to adore the little man, as Aaron has settled on calling him. The affection he has for Seb adds to his ever growing guilt. He sometimes will show up after Seb goes to sleep to avoid him. Aaron is getting attached to him and he can see the affection is reciprocated.

Clutching the chest to his body, Aaron knocks on the door. Robert greets Aaron with a kiss, cupping his hands over Aaron’s face. Robert has confessed he likes feeling Aaron’s beard, something about liking the beard burn because it’s confirmation Aaron is real in his hands.

“And here I thought I was on a promise.” Robert says when he sees the chest.

“You wish.” Aaron scoffs. “Can we sit down?”

“Of course.” Robert leads them into the living room and they sit on the couch.

Still clutching the chest protectively, Robert places a concerned hand on Aaron’s thigh. “I’m showing you this because you sounded upset this morning. And because I know there’s a part of you that hates yourself because of how our past relationship ended.” Aaron says steadily. He’s nervous and embarrassed but he thrusts the chest into Robert’s hands.

Robert takes the chest with curiosity written on his face. When he opens it, Aaron knows what he sees: the ring atop all the letters. Robert’s face goes soft immediately. He shakily pulls the ring and stares at it. Aaron can see he’s fighting back tears, his chin wobbles and he looks at Aaron. Aaron reaches out and wipes a thumb under Robert’s eye.

“I-...you’ve kept all this?” Robert whispers, floundering a bit trying to find the right words.

Aaron drops his hand from Robert’s face to fiddle with his fingers. “Yeah.” He replies after a tense silence.

Robert continues to stare at the threaded ring in fascination. He carefully places it back in the chest and picks up a few of the letters. He chuckles sardonically as he takes a few moments to skim them. “I sound like a prized prat. No wonder you wanted nowt to do with me.”

Feeling protective of the letters, Aaron takes them from Robert’s hands to hug them to his chest. “They were my bed partner for the better part of a year.” Aaron confesses honestly.

Most of the letters said the same thing: how sorry Robert was, how much he loved Aaron and still wanted to be with him given the opportunity, a few tidbits about his daily life in London. Aaron cherished every single one of them, even if they would break his heart and then mend it.

Robert continues to pick up letters and place them down as he reads them. Some of them were battered due to Aaron reading and rereading them. Others, were tearstained from Aaron crying as he read them. The letters tell a story of their own - how much they still loved each other after they lost one another.

Aaron covers Robert’s hand with his own. “I never hated ya after we broke up. I loved every letter sent, it just became too painful.” Aaron continues with his confession.

Robert looks at their hands for a while before placing his other hand atop Aaron’s. “I sometimes think these last ten years were just spare time. Biding my time until I met you again. All my relationships were trial runs to learn how to be with you properly. Like the way you deserve.”

Something catches in Aaron’s throat. Robert has always had a way with words, evident in the letters sitting between them. Tears begin to prickle at his eyes, threatening to spill over.

“Do you ever think what would have happened if you had joined me in London?” Robert asks.

“Sometimes.” Aaron manages to get out. There’s a lump lodged in his throat.

“I think we would’ve been happy. We would’ve gotten married as soon as it was legal. We’d have gone back to Emmerdale together. And Seb...well he would’ve been born through a surrogate or summat and we’d be raising him together.” Robert nonsensically says, and that’s enough for a sob to seize in his chest. He starts to cry in earnest.

Robert scoots over the couch and wraps his arms around Aaron. “Hey. No. Don’t cry.” He soothes.

“I love you Robert. I’ve never stopped.” Aaron chokes out helplessly. His heart aches because it’s true, because that life Robert just described sounded perfect. But most of all, he’s choked up because he can’t keep doing this to Robert.

“I love you too.” Came Robert’s swift reply and Aaron cries harder. He cries because he’s always wanted Robert’s love, but not like this. He cries because this isn’t ten years ago, and he can’t keep pretending it is.

Robert simply holds onto Aaron as his sobs begin to ebb away. Aaron tries to compose himself, but he feels broken, knowing what’s about to happen. He thinks part of him was expecting some sort of collision by bringing the letters here. But it’s too unbearable. The guilt and deceit has consumed him. 

He pulls away from Robert, fisting his hands onto his lap. “We can’t keep doing this.”

“Doing what?” Robert looks bemused at Aaron. His eyes are searching Aaron’s face, trying to see if Aaron is joking.

“We need to realize we can’t live in the past. This. Us. It’s not real.” Aaron continues, training his eyes on the wall behind Robert.

“What are you talking about, Aaron? Of course this is real.” Robert insists, making Aaron close his eyes for a few moments.

He opens them, steeling himself, “Not for me. I’ve been too caught up trying to live in our past, but we can’t keep doing this. We have to end this.”

Robert’s face falls, looking utterly crushed. “Aaron, no. No, this has been it for me. I know you feel the same.”

“I don’t.”

“Then why did you just tell me that you love me?” Robert’s voice raises, teetering on hysterical. Aaron gets up, trying to leave, but Robert grabs his shoulders, holding him in place. “Tell me the truth. What is this about?” He says gently, and it breaks Aaron’s heart. 

“I’ve been lying to you.”

“About what? We can get through this.” Robert tries to crowd Aaron’s face, but he just ducks his head away from Robert. He gets up, trying to keep his distance from Robert. Robert gets up to follow, and tries to hold onto Aaron.

“No we can’t.” Aaron shakes Robert’s arms away from him. Aaron is crying again but it's not to garner sympathy. He's sick to his stomach doing this. “There’s someone else.”

With Aaron’s admission, Robert deflates onto himself, and falls onto the couch, disbelief written on his face. “How long?”

“Three years.” 

The silence that follows is deafening, it feels worse than dying. It’s Robert understanding what Aaron is saying. It’s Robert realizing he’s the bit on the side. “You’re joking. So what, is this some kind of revenge?" Robert's voice is edging towards shouting. 

"What?" 

"You see me again after all these years and thought it'd be hilarious to do what I did to you? I've lived with ten years hating myself because of what I did to you. Saw how pathetically gone I was for you and wanted to do the same?" Now Robert is shouting. He stands back up and marches to Aaron, devastated and angry.

"No, Robert. That's not at all why I did it." Aaron says brokenly. 

"How could you do this to me? To Seb! He loves you and, what? You would go home and laugh at the stuff my son would say. What I would say. Stringing me along but an innocent child, too!" Robert yells. 

"I never meant to hurt you or Seb. I-I never would've done any of this if I had known about Seb from the beginning." Aaron is saying things he had no idea he had felt before. 

“The two weeks you didn’t speak to me after you found out about Seb. Why you don’t speak to me for days.” The pieces are starting to fall into place for Robert. “That fucking picture of you at the Grand Prix! Is that him?” Robert shouts.

Aaron, heartbroken, reaches out to touch Robert, “Rob, I’m so sor-

“Get off me, you fucking bastard! Get out! Get out and never show your face here again!” Robert shouts again. Aaron doesn’t want to leave it like this, wants to explain himself, but he simply nods once, twice, and turns to leave. Robert is on his heels and slams the door before Aaron could turn around and say something.

*

Robert remembers the phone call when he found out that Rebecca had died. He had felt a numbness wash over him - sadness at the loss of someone he felt fondness for, worry for how Seb would take it, stress for all the tasks he needed to do now he was a single parent. The numbness allowed him to tackle it as if it were a task he needed to overcome at work and not a life changing situation. 

But this? This devastating loss he feels - he has never felt pain as keenly as he does now. Aaron has hurt him in the worst possible way, and yet, Robert blames himself for jumping so quickly in this relationship. He hates himself and he hates Aaron.

Morning does not come quickly for Robert, and when it’s finally here, Robert lays in bed motionless. The duvet is up to his chin, the light is fighting through his curtains, and he hears Seb puttering around across the hall in his room. It will only be a matter of time before he comes barging into Robert’s room asking for breakfast. And still, Robert doesn’t move.

Almost on cue, Robert hears the door to his room crack open. But it’s almost as if Seb can sense his despair, because he peeks his head into the room instead of immediately running in. When he sees Robert is awake, he quietly comes into the room and tiptoes to the bed. They look at each other for a brief moment before Seb climbs into bed.

“Daddy?” Seb whispers, sitting on the haunches of his legs, looking down at Robert.

“Yes?” Robert answers back, taking the little energy he has to do so.

“Why were you and Aaron shouting last night?” Robert closes his eyes. He didn’t think Seb was awake when Aaron came over. But that was it, wasn’t it? Robert hadn’t thought a lot about Seb during this. He hadn’t thought how Seb would love Aaron but not what would happen if their relationship fell apart. And now here he was, too tired and too sad to consider Seb last night. He couldn’t even be awake before Seb to make breakfast and be the father Seb deserves.

“Daddy?” Seb asks again, knocking Robert’s sad mauldin thoughts back to reality. Robert wonders if he should tell the truth. He’s always told Seb to tell the truth to him, even if it was bad news. He should at least live his life like he tells his son to.

“Aaron hurt me.” Robert finally settles on. Seb appropriately looks sad, and moves over to wrap his little hands around Robert’s neck.

“I’m sorry daddy.” Seb whispers into Robert’s neck. Tears well up in Robert’s eyes - how was it right that his own child has to comfort him for his stupid mistakes? He takes one of his arms from under the duvet and presses his hand against Seb’s back.

“Me too, munchkin. But it’s you and me, right?”

“Against the world.” Seb agrees with the mantra Robert used to tell Seb so many times after Rebecca died.

They lay in Robert’s bed for a long time, both quiet. 

Robert knows he needs to be strong for both of them, so after a few more moments of laying in bed, Robert musters the energy to finally get out of bed and heads towards the kitchen. Seb follows with excitement - he’s trying to cheer Robert up, and it breaks his heart more than anything. Seb fills the air with tales of his dreams and Robert makes all the right noises and responses as he cooks breakfast for the two of them.

Saturday mornings have always been the day Robert cleans the flat, and he forces himself to do it - determined to carry on with life and routine. After Aaron had left, Robert wanted to throw those fucking letters away and never look at them. But they weren't his, and even if he hates Aaron, he couldn't bring himself to toss them. He gathers all the letters, puts them back in the chest and sticks it in the coat closet.

When he’s hoovering the hallway, he peeks into Seb’s room, where he’s spent the day after breakfast. He’s sitting on his bed, playing on his firepad, a look of deep concentration on his face.

But what catches Robert’s eye is that most of his stuffed toys are on the bed with him. Except Mister Elfant, who lays face down on the floor.

Cautiously, Robert walks into the room and picks the elephant from the ground. He sits on the bed next to Seb, propping the elephant up and cocking its head with his hand. Seb looks at the toy and then at Robert. “I hate Mister Elfant.” Seb declares.

“What did Mister Elefant do?” Robert asks. He doesn’t want to think it, hoping it’s just part of a game Seb was playing earlier, but he can’t help but think it’s because of Aaron’s involvement in getting the toy.

Sure enough, Seb says, “Because Aaron gave it to me and I hate Aaron.”

“What have I told you about saying ‘hate’?” Robert scolds softly, his heart breaking. Just this morning he had thought to himself that he hated Aaron, but he won’t let his son be filled with hate and rage on Robert’s behalf.

“But Aaron made you sad.” Seb insists, and Robert thinks he may have made a mistake in telling Seb the truth. Add that to the growing list of Robert’s failures as a father. He hugs Seb, placing his cheek at the top of Seb’s head.

“Aaron made me sad, yes.” Robert steels himself as he gets the next words out, “But he still loves you and what happened between him and I had nothing to do with you, okay?” Robert softly explains. It was probably cruel to say Aaron loves Seb, he has nothing to prove that statement. But Robert truly thinks amidst all the stupid shit Aaron pulled, he didn’t mean to hurt Seb. He said as much last night.

“I don’t want you to be sad.” Seb whispers, burrowing himself deeper into Robert’s embrace. Robert could tell in Seb’s voice that his words placate Seb a little.

“How can I be sad when I have the coolest kid ever?” Robert places a kiss on Seb’s head and just holds him. It really is them against the world, and Robert would be damned if he was going to let Seb be sad.

The rest of the day trudges on. Seb is in a strange mood for the rest of the day. He bugged Robert while he was scrubbing the toilets, and sat at the barstool chattering while Robert cooked. But by the time they are eating their tea, he has grown quiet and unresponsive, only talking when Robert asks him questions.

When Robert comes into Seb’s room to read his nightly bedtime story, Seb looks at him with sad eyes. He decides to pick a funny book that gets Seb to giggle a few times throughout the story. “No more sadness, okay?” Robert says after putting the book down.

“I love you daddy.” Seb whispers.

“I love you, too munchkin. If you need to sleep in my room tonight, you can.” Robert brushes some of Seb’s hair on his forehead, and gives him a goodnight kiss before turning off the light. Instead of walking over to his room, he goes to the living room.

Robert sits on the couch staring at a blank space on the wall. The drywall is slightly damaged, he remembers Aaron commenting on the damage, saying he could help with the patchwork of the drywall. He sits in the room, the sun half set and the only source of light in the room. Soon, the sun will be completely set, and still Robert will be sitting in this darkening room.

He drags his eyes away from the damaged portion of the wall to some potted plants in the corner of the room. Aaron had suggested moving the plants to that location because they were near the french doors and they would get better light. Everything in this flat has Aaron’s fingerprints and it feels suffocating. 

He takes out his phone, thumbing at the contacts. He sits there for a few moments before working up the courage to press ‘call’.

“Hello?” Comes Victoria’s voice, and Robert heaves a sigh of relief. He wasn’t sure Vic would have the same number after all these years.

“Hiya Vic. It’s Robert.”

*

Aaron feels as if he’s been walking with his head underwater. Everything feels distorted and muffled. It’s been two weeks since he’s last seen Robert. Winter has started to melt away - trees are budding and nature is at its rebirth. There’s probably some kind of poetry there to be made with this seasonal change and the change he’s had in his life. But he is neither a poet nor gives a shit about it.

Aaron has called and texted, trying to explain himself to Robert, but he’s of course been ignored. He’s never expected Robert to understand or forgive him, but he wishes he could just talk to Robert one more time. It made Aaron sad that Robert thought Aaron was doing this as some sort of revenge. The thought had not once crossed his mind.

Chances are, Aaron will never see Robert again. He’s blown it and it’s really all his fault. He deserves it.

A pint it placed in front of him, interrupting his thoughts. He’s in the Woolpack, has been for awhile. But time has ceased to exist these days. He looks up and sees Chas, “Looked like you need it.” She says. She’s holding a glass of orange juice and seats herself across the table from Aaron.

“Cheers.” Aaron mumbles.

“What’s going on, love? You haven’t been yourself lately.” Chas asks, motherly concern showing on her face.

“Nothin’.” Aaron isn’t going to give an inch. The last thing he needs is his mum nosing her way into his business.

“It’s Ed.” She says knowingly.

“You what?”

“I’ve noticed it for awhile.” She continues, ignoring Aaron. “I saw how scared you looked when he announced his new year’s resolution. How you two used to text and call each other all the time. You were inseparable when he’d come back from France. But I’ve seen you distance yourself from him recently. Are you two on the rocks?” She has this knowing look on her face, as if she just cracked some sort of secret.

“Mum-no. I-I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Aaron falters, feeling unsettled.

“I hope you’re doing what makes you happy and not what you think you have to do.” Chas reaches out and gives a squeeze to Aaron’s hand. Aaron tugs his hand out from under Chas’s.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about. Ed and I...we’re great.” Aaron insists. It feels almost humiliating, hearing what Chas is saying. He has been so caught up trying to keep both Robert and Ed ignorant of each other he had not thought of anything else. Being with Robert and Seb, falling in love with Robert again had taken all precedence in his life. Life in Emmerdale wasn’t really a life when he had been spending so much of his time in Leeds.

A tense silence falls between mother and son. Aaron knows Chas wants to say something - she’s far too gobby and nosy for her own good, especially when it comes to Aaron. She’s taking a sip of her juice, eyeing Aaron, when Vic comes out from the kitchen, a large smile on her face. Her eyes are looking for Chas and when she finds them tucked in the corner, she marches over to them, smile not falling off her face.

“Hiya, Chas. Aaron!” Vic says cheerfully when she gets to their table.

“Well don’t you look like you’ve won the lottery.” Chas says in greeting. It still feels a little tense between Aaron and Chas, but Vic seems unaware of it.

“You’ll never guess who I’m seeing today.” Vic’s smile somehow grows. Aaron vaguely wonders if it will fall off if she smiles any larger.

“Santa Claus?” Aaron sarcastically asks. He’s been antisocial these days, and having to speak to both his mum and Vic is grinding on what very little patience he has.

“Ha-ha.” Vic rolls her eyes, but it does nothing to damper her mood. “No, Aaron. I’m seeing my brother, Robert!”

Aaron feels himself freeze, but carefully does nothing else to react. He thinks Chas and Vic are saying something, but Aaron’s world zeroes in on Robert, even if he’s not actually present. He supposes it makes sense - Robert had been wanting to talk to them, but Aaron kept making excuses on why he wasn’t ready for them to be public as a couple. It makes himself feel even worse about everything.

“Aaron?” Vic says, bringing Aaron back into the conversation.

“What?” Aaron snaps back, annoyed.

“You know Robert, don’t you? I remember you mentioning that to me.” Vic muses to herself. 

Aaron remembers. He was still heartbroken and upset about the end of their relationship. Aaron had been in Emmerdale for a few months when he had heard Vic talking about her older brother, Robert. Robert who, to Vic’s understanding, was engaged to a ‘lovely’ woman named Chrissie.

Aaron was so angry hearing that. He thought Robert had gone crawling back to Chrissie after leaving Aaron. He had interrupted Vic and lashed out, saying he knew Robert when they were in Liverpool and he was a right bastard who didn’t deserve to get married.

Vic was just a teenage herself who idolized her brother and hated Aaron for saying what he did. Needless to say, he and Vic were on bad terms for a while after Aaron came to the village. It took a few months of both of them calling each other nasty names before they started a tenuous friendship. They eventually became real friends and Aaron apologized to Vic about saying what he did about Robert.

After Aaron’s broken heart had started to heal, he thought about asking Vic if he could get Robert’s contact info. But then Jack had died, and Vic didn’t have a nice word to say about the brother she once put on a pedestal. Aaron knew better than to ask.

When Aaron doesn’t say anything to Vic, she continues, “Anyway, he lives in Leeds now, so close! And he’s got a son to boot!”

Aaron can feel Chas staring at him. “When are you going to see him?” She asks.

“Tonight! I’m going up to Leeds to have dinner with him and meet his son.” Vic excitedly says. “So I was wondering if I could take tonight off?”

Chas waves her hand. “Go on, then. Tell Marlon I said it was okay.”

“Thank you, Chas!” Vic takes off her chef’s cap and runs off, waving at the pair of them. Chas is still still staring at Aaron.

“What?” Aaron irritatedly asks.

“Nothing. Didn’t know you knew Robert Sugden is all.” Chas conversationally says.

“Yeah, well...it was a long time. Before I came back and had an overbearing mum.” Aaron snaps.

“Oi! Watch it, mouthy.” Chas grouses. “He’s in Leeds now.”

“Yeah, I was here too when Vic said that, thanks. What’s your point?”

“Nothing. Just observing.” Chas shrugs. Aaron feels like Chas is trying to get him to admit something. Like she somehow sussed it all out.

“Yeah, well stop. Cheers for the drink.” Aaron had barely touched the drink, but he gets up to go back home. He has had enough of Chas’s badgering for one day.

“Talk to Ed!” Chas shouts before he could leave the pub. It gives him pause, freezing in front of the door to leave. But he shakes it off as much as he can and stomps home.

*

Aaron doesn’t go home.

Instead, he goes to Bar West and spends the evening feeling sorry for himself. Vic is probably meeting Seb right now and falling in love with that little boy. She’s probably making Robert laugh or needling him about something or other. Either way, she’s with the two people Aaron wish he could be with.

He considers what Chas told him earlier, about doing things that make him happy rather than what he thinks is right. Being with Robert made him deliriously happy. It was like recapturing something he lost. Which it was. He was recapturing that summer where he was loved by someone more than life itself. It’s not like he’s lived an unhappy life. He was happy with Ed in France. But none of that holds a candle to be in Robert’s orbit.

Before Jackson died, he had told Aaron that he didn’t do love by small measures. If Aaron loved someone or something, he was all in. Sometimes, Aaron thinks it was because of Robert that he loved like that. But it can’t be true anymore, not with the way he hurt Robert and Ed, even if he is still unaware of it. Which was the biggest kicker. He broke Robert’s heart, and then he slunk back to his comfortable life in Emmerdale and Ed with his tail between his legs. As if the past four months hadn’t happened.

The night steadily goes on until Aaron is stumbling out of Bar West, not much happier than before he came. He knows what he needs to do. What the right thing is to do, but he’s pissed out of his mind. He’ll do it once he’s sobered up, hopefully with more clarity in his head as well. His head is muddled and doesn’t realize he’s home until the taxi driver is asking for the fare.

Absentmindedly, Aaron shoves a few pounds to the driver and gets out. He pays no attention to his surroundings. What he should’ve noticed is Ed’s rented car parked out front. It’s not until he’s fumbled around with his keys and clumsily makes his way into the Mill that he registers that fact. Ed is sitting on the couch when Aaron gets in. It stuns him into a less inebriated state.

“Oh. Hiya. Didn’t know you were comin’ today.” Aaron says.

“It was supposed to be a surprise.” Ed responds quietly. “Didn’t think you would be out...drinking? Did Adam go with you?” He squints at Aaron. His tone isn’t accusatory, but it still makes Aaron feel defensive.

“No, went on me own. That alright with you?” Aaron had a few too many pints at Bar West, and the alcohol is making his heart leap into his throat, threatening to break free from his body. “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming here?”

“It’s my home, too, you know. Didn’t think I needed permission.” Ed points out with a smile. He is the picture of patience and yet all Aaron feels is that he’s being interrogated. 

“You don’t.” Aaron snaps. Ed’s comment rubs him the wrong way. This whole situation is rubbing him the wrong way.

Ed sighs and gets up to walk towards Aaron. “You’re drunk. Let’s talk tomorrow.”

“Just tell me what’s going on.” Aaron says, agitated. He needs water. Before Ed can say anything, Aaron marches over to the kitchen to get a glass of water. Ed follows and they sit at the dining table.

“I’m finally going to be able to move back.” Ed starts with a smile. He reaches out to touch Aaron’s hand softly, but the touch feels like he’s been branded. “The managers finally settled, and I’ll be able to sign the contract for the new team soon. I’m finally coming home.”

Aaron doesn’t react. After half a year of being in Emmerdale without Ed, he’s finally able to move in with Aaron again. He could go back to playing happy boyfriends with Ed and just chalk up the four months as a lapse in judgement. It could be that easy.

He closes his eyes, feeling more sober than he had ten minutes ago. He gently pulls his hand out from under Ed’s hand. “Ed...I was going to do this tomorrow. But…”

“Stop.” Ed says. He probably knows where this is going.

“No, I can’t. I’ve-I’ve messed you around too long.” Aaron mumbles softly.

“Whatever it is, we can make it work.”

It’s exactly what Robert had said and it makes Aaron laugh cruelly at it. “No, Ed. We can’t. I was seeing someone here while you were in France.”

Ed actually laughs himself. As if he can’t believe what Aaron is telling him. The laughter is abruptly cut off when Aaron just stares back without saying anything.

“What the fuck, Aaron?” Ed growls. “What is the matter with you?!”

“I’m sorry, it-” Aaron cuts himself off. He was about to say ‘it was a stupid mistake’. But it wasn’t. Aaron could live until he’s ninety, and never call Robert a mistake.

“Why?” Ed asks, voice calmer, but more tired. “Who was it?”

“You don’t know him.” Aaron softly says, taking another sip of his water, trying to calm his nerves.

“Oh and that makes it better, does it? Three years, Aaron! Does none of that mean anything to you? How could you do this to us?” Ed stands from the table and starts pacing. “How long have you been seeing him?”

Aaron is quiet for a stretch of time. It’s eerily similar to his break up with Robert, he notes distantly. “Four months.”

“Four months.” Ed repeats flatly. “So more than half the time you’ve been back. Good one, that is. Very commendable.”

“What do you want me to say?” Now it’s Aaron’s turn to stand from the table. “I fucked him for four months. Here in this flat, and at his place too. I’ve fucked him sometimes the same day you would come home.”

Ed looks devastated but it hardly registers to Aaron. “Aaron. Jesus.”

Suddenly feeling deflated, Aaron looks at Ed properly. His face has some tears falling down his cheeks. “God, Ed. I’m sorry.” Aaron reaches out in a vain attempt to comfort his boyfriend.

Ed snatches his arm away from Aaron. “Don’t touch me. You don’t get to say that! I’m about to sign to a new team and you pick now to tell me?”

“How was I supposed to know you were going to sign? I was ready to tell you all this tomorrow, and then you spring this on me!” Aaron shouts.

“Oh, so you were eventually going to tell me. Wow. Well done, you.” Ed’s words are venomous. He turns towards the staircase. “Don’t you even think about following me to bed.” 

“Ed…”

“I can’t speak to you like this. You’re drunk and angry. Just fuck off for tonight.” Ed says tiredly and walks away to their bedroom.

It’s a very anticlimactic way to end the argument. Aaron isn’t even sure if the argument is over. But he does as Ed says. He stays downstairs. Uses the guest toilet to wash up a little and takes out a few spare blankets to sleep on the couch. He sleeps fitfully all night long, the combination of Ed and his argument and the alcohol does him no favors.

He’s awoken to water splashing onto his face. Spluttering, he claws at his face and looks up to see Ed staring above him. He’s holding a now empty glass of water.

“Good. You’re awake.” Ed sarcastically says.

Aaron sits up from the couch and Ed plops himself onto the couch next to Aaron.

“Are you still seeing him?” Ed asks.

“No. I told him about you and it’s over.” Aaron says. His head is aching from a slight hangover and lack of sleep. Regardless of where this conversation is going to go, he’s already worse off.

“How long ago was that?”

“Two weeks ago.” Ed nods at Aaron’s statement. 

He looks at his lap for a long time, then up at Aaron. “Right. Here’s the deal. I have spent three years being devoted to you. We have had a lot of great memories together. I’m coming home now. Let’s put all this behind us, and just move on. Put him in your past, and I won’t use him against you.”

Just like before, Aaron has an out if he wants it. He could take this and all would be forgiven. It sounds so easy. He averts his eyes from Ed and spots the picture of the two of them at the Grand Prix. He remembers when Robert picked it up and asked Aaron questions about it, to his great shame.

He couldn’t simply put Robert in his past. It was impossible. Bracing himself, Aaron turns to Ed. “I’m sorry, Ed. I can’t do that.”

Ed’s reaction is horrible to witness. His face scrunches and a dance of emotions crosses his face. “How can you give this up for some shag?”

“Because it wasn’t just a shag. I loved him. And you deserve better.” Aaron replies honestly. Honesty has been the way to go lately, and while he knows it hurts the people he loves, it’s what needs to be done. “You’ll never really forgive me. And I don’t blame you for that.”

Ed shakes his head in disgust. He gets up from the couch and goes upstairs, slamming things and stomping around upstairs. When he finally comes back down, Aaron has made a brew to stave off his headache, and Ed is holding his suitcase. 

“You’re a right piece of work, Aaron.” Is all Ed says when he gets to the front door of the flat.

Aaron closes his eyes, “I know.” He says and then hears the slamming of the door. Ending his three year relationship with Ed.

*

Vic keeps talking about Robert and Seb. Waxing how wonderful it is to have her brother back and a new nephew to dote on. It’s driving Aaron up the wall. He cannot get a break whenever he’s in the pub. She keeps hinting that maybe Aaron should try to reach out to Robert so they can be mates again. 

Everyone has been sympathetic towards him after he and Ed split up. Bob gave him a free bacon butty one morning with a pitying smile. People he hasn’t spoken to much since coming back slap his back and say they’re sorry to hear about him and Ed. As if Aaron was the one who got shafted. As if it wasn’t Ed who is going to have to give up playing for England again just to stay away from Aaron. 

Sometimes, all Aaron wants to do is yell at people. Tell them he slept with another man repeatedly while Ed was in France and that he’s glad he doesn’t have to pretend anymore. The worst part of it all, Aaron has gone through two break ups in a short span of time. Robert’s loss hurts more than the three years he gave up with Ed. And that really says it all.

It’s been over a month since he and Ed broke up. Ed came back one weekend to pack up some of his stuff. There wasn’t really that much - some clothes, knick knacks, and a few pieces of furniture. Aaron, still feeling guilty, had given him a check with the amount Ed had invested into the scrapyard. Ed took one look at it and ripped it in half, saying he didn’t need a pity check from Aaron. That was the last time Aaron saw Ed, and he reckons he’ll probably never see him again. It’s probably for the best. It hurts knowing the grief he caused Ed, he was a nice bloke who never deserved Aaron’s messed up shit.

Most days, he goes to the scrapyard for the day, goes to the Woolie for tea, and then goes home to the Mill. He’s tried calling Robert a few times, feeling more confident to speak to him now that Ed is no longer part of the picture. But he’s still being blanked and slowly Aaron has given up being hopeful. This was his life now, guilt free and utterly boring.

On one of these boring mundane days, Aaron is making his way to the Woolpack when he hears a little voice call his name. He turns, and sees Seb running towards him, a large grin on his face. He comes and hugs Aaron’s legs. Feeling stunned, all Aaron can do is wrap his hands around the little boy. He looks around trying to see if he can spot Robert, but there is no one around.

“You live here?” Seb asks, pulling away from Aaron and staring at him like he’s some kind of hero. It hurts.

“Yes, I live here. What are you doing here?” Aaron asks. “Where’s your dad?”

“He’s here! Went to say hello to Grandma Sarah.” Aaron hesitates. He’s not sure if he should be here with Seb, but at the same time, the boy is on his own. It wouldn’t be right to leave him on his own. He steers them to a bench and makes Seb sit down.

“Why don’t you wait here until your dad comes back?” Aaron suggests.

“Will you wait with me?” Seb asks, giving him those eyes that Aaron had a hard time saying no to when he was still with Robert. He sighs and nods, sitting down next to Seb.

Seb immediately goes to wrap his arms around Aaron’s torso and cuddles against him. It’s painfully cute, and Aaron doesn’t really know what to do. They sit like that for a few moments before something catches Seb’s eye. He jumps off the bench and runs over to a patch of grass near the bench. 

Seb gestures to Aaron to inspect a bug he finds hidden in there. Aaron squats down to look, listening as Seb chatters on - making up the name of what kind of bug it is and its story. 

At one point, Seb clutches Aaron’s arm and looks at him seriously, “Do you love me Aaron?” 

Aaron feels blindsided by the question. His immediate reaction is to say yes, of course Aaron loves Seb. But Aaron knows he’s probably not allowed to say that. If Robert were to find out, there would be hell to pay. 

“Sebastian.”

Aaron stands up immediately, knowing exactly the owner of the voice. Both Aaron and Seb turn around and see Robert looking at them - a thunderous look on his face. Seb doesn’t notice it, or if he has, he chooses to ignore it, and runs to Robert. He hugs Robert’s legs, much like he did to Aaron. Aaron can see some of Robert’s resolve falter, his face softening and placing a hand atop Seb’s hair. Vic stands next to Robert with a concerned look on her face.

“Why did you sneak away from your Aunt Vic? We were worried.” Robert says, squatting down to be eye level with Seb. Seb looks at Vic, Robert, and even turns back to look at Aaron.

He hangs his head in shame and mumbles, “I’m sorry daddy.”

“Hey, it’s okay. Just glad you’re safe.” Robert says, then looks up to Aaron. “Vic, can you take Seb? I want to talk to Aaron.”

Vic nods and holds her hand out to Seb, “Come on little man. Let’s give your dad and Aaron some space.” Seb looks at Aaron, and maybe it’s just in Aaron’s head, but he looks upset to be leaving him. He pouts, but takes Vic’s outstretched hand and they walk away, leaving Aaron and Robert alone.

Hearing Vic call Seb ‘little man’ makes something want to claw out of his body. He knows ‘little man’ isn’t all that unique of a nickname, but it was what Aaron always called him. Robert would call him ‘munchkin’ and Aaron would call him ‘little man’. Aaron bites his cheek to keep from reacting, and instead properly looks at Robert.

Robert looks like he’s aged since the last time they saw each other. He looks tired and there are bags under his eyes. Even his hair looks duller than before. Aaron’s heart joustles knowing he’s the reason for Robert’s disheveled look.

“I’m sorry.” Aaron says when all Robert does is look at him expectantly. “I was walking to the pub when I heard him call out to me. I didn’t know he left without Vic knowing.”

Robert continues to look at him, face stony. “I miss him.” Aaron hedges. Not just Seb, Robert too, but he knows better to say something like that.

Aaron’s words finally snap Robert out of his trance. “You don’t get to miss him, Aaron. It’s not his fault or mine that Seb asks me where you went. Why he heard us shouting at each other.” Robert snaps angrily. But the anger, as quickly as it came, leaves, as Robert’s face softens. “Look. When I made the decision to reach out to Vic and Diane again, I knew that meant we would probably see each other again. But don’t think that means you can just approach Seb and talk to him. He’s not yours. It’d be best we just ignore each other whenever I’m here.”

Aaron feels a little stunned by Robert’s words, so he nods dumbly for lack of a better response. Robert nods back, and turns to leave. Before he walks out of earshot, Robert stops. “One day, I will forgive you for everything you pulled. But don’t think I’ll ever forget it. Especially how you didn’t want me to talk to my family again for your own selfish reasons.” Robert calls over his shoulder, and walks away to Keeper’s before Aaron can say anything.

*

Vic is sitting on her couch when Robert comes into Keeper’s. She springs up when she sees him. “Rob-I’m so sorry!” She cries.

Seb is sitting on the floor playing with old toys, not a single care in the world. Robert knows Aaron would never harm Seb in any way, but it makes his blood boil knowing how much the two care for each other.

“It’s okay, Vic. Don’t worry about it.” Robert sighs and sits on the couch. It took a lot of energy to speak to Aaron, they hadn’t spoken in the month and a half since Aaron ripped his heart out and stomped on it.

“At least he was with Aaron. You can’t find a better bloke.” Vic offers, causing Robert to scoff at the sheer irony of that comment.

“I like Aaron!” Seb pipes up, but cowers a little when Robert looks at him. “What? He’s nice.” Seb mumbles quietly. Seb has been difficult since Robert and Aaron broke up. He was sympathetic and wanted Robert to be happy the days after, but in his childlike mind, he doesn’t understand why Robert and Aaron haven’t gotten back together. He keeps asking about Aaron.

“He is nice. I hope you didn’t give him too much grief. At least he was taking care of Seb.” Vic continues unhelpfully. If only she knew.

Being here in Emmerdale properly without sneaking to the Mill and being with Aaron has been exhausting, and harder than Robert would have thought. He hasn’t ventured much around the village. He’s gone to the B&B to see Diane there. He thought she was going to faint when he walked through the front door. Vic had told her about their communication, but apparently didn’t believe Robert would come until she saw him with her own eyes.

He’d also gone to visit his mum, at the cemetery. He had traced Sarah’s name on the headstone with a sad rueful smile. He had kept his visit short because he knows Sarah is always with him - being at her grave was cathartic but not necessary for him to have conversations with his mum. 

Constantly, he has thought about what Sarah would think about him, how much she would have adored Seb. He’s always wanted Seb to have his own Sarah, because every kid deserves a Sarah. It hurt, because he thought at one point he had found it in Aaron. He had spared a glance to Jack’s headstone, but wasn’t ready to talk to him yet. He left the cemetery with his heart feeling a little lighter than it had been in weeks. Then Seb had to run off to be with Aaron, making his mood dour again.

“I know you and Aaron knew each other once.” Vic says when Robert makes no comment to continue the conversation. She apparently takes that as an invitation to continue to talk about Aaron when that is the last thing Robert wants.

“What?” Robert asks tiredly.

“In Liverpool. Which, thanks by the way for never telling me you were in Liverpool. Always keeping your secrets, even ten years ago.” Vic huffs with a wry smile.

“That was a very long time ago. We’re both different people now.” Robert says, and part of him is starting to believe it. His Aaron from the past wouldn’t have hurt him like he has now. Aaron was careless about hurting people he claimed to love. Maybe Robert had done something similar, but it’s not like he was sleeping with Chrissie when he was with Aaron. He had barely even spoken to Chrissie when he was in Liverpool, which was why she came up to surprise him. 

“Well if you ever want a mate, Aaron is an excellent friend. The best there is. He just recently broke up with his boyfriend. Adam has been trying to cheer him up, but maybe you two should reconnect.” Vic nudges, but all Robert hears is that Aaron just broke up with his boyfriend.

“He broke up with his boyfriend?” Robert repeats, dumbly.

“Yes. He’s gay, if you didn’t know that. Him and Ed had been dating for three years. They moved to France together because Ed’s a rugby player. I think they both wanted to move back here, so Aaron moved here first while Ed was trying to get picked up for an English club or summat. I don’t know what happened, but I guess Aaron couldn’t deal with it anymore, so he broke it off with Ed. Shame, really. Ed was decent and made Aaron happy.” Vic babbles on. This was the most Robert had heard about the other bloke.

His name was Ed. He was a rugby player, and the reason Aaron had moved to France and came back.

“I could look after Seb if you do want to be mates again.” Vic doesn’t drop this campaign for Aaron, angering Robert.

“What so you can lose him again?” Robert snaps, instantly regretting it when Vic looks crestfallen at his statement. “Look, it’s a nice thought Vic, but I don’t have room for Aaron in my life. I’ve got to Seb to take care of, I don’t need any other distractions.”

Robert’s mind is elsewhere the rest of the visit. He can’t stop thinking about Aaron breaking it off with the other bloke. He wonders how long ago they broke up. If Aaron told him about Robert. 

They say goodbye to Victoria shortly afterwards, with the promise of seeing each other again. Robert is thankful to have his sister back in his life, he didn’t realize how much he missed her until she was back. She tries one more time to bat for Aaron, but Robert shuts it down with a ‘thanks but no thanks’. She nods forlornly but says she understands. Robert doubts she does and will no doubt try again the next time they see each other, but he accepts it for now.

When they’re back at the flat, Seb tries to run off before Robert is finished closing the front door. The drive back to Leeds is tense, Robert told Seb they were going to talk about what he did once they were home and Seb kicked off. Robert feels as if he’s been getting more and more short with Seb, and it’s not the child’s fault, he needs to keep his anger in check. An innocent child has nothing to do with Robert’s heartache.

“Seb get back over here.” Robert says, coming to sit on the couch. Head hung, Seb walks over to the couch and sits next to him. He cuddles Robert, trying to appease to Robert’s fondness for cuddling with his son. Robert does relent a little, wrapping his arms around the boy. “Why did you say that about Aaron to Vic?” He asks as gently as he can.

Seb ducks his head a little but then looks up at Robert with steady eyes. “Because it’s true. I like Aaron.”

“I don’t want you near him the next time we’re visiting Vic.” Robert orders. It hurts knowing how much Seb adored Aaron, but he was adamant about keeping the two of them away from each other. Robert meant what he told Aaron earlier: Seb wasn’t Aaron’s.

“Why not?” Seb asks petulantly.

“Because I’m your father and I said so.” Robert firmly says.

“I miss Aaron! And I love him.” Seb is firm back.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about. Aaron is not part of our lives anymore, alright?” Robert is not going to let this drop, he needs Seb to understand.

“You’re such a meanie! I hate you!” Seb cries and jumps off the couch to run off. Robert hears the door of Seb’s room slamming shortly afterwards. He closes his eyes, annoyed with himself. He’s been having such difficulty with Seb and he knows it’s his own fault.

Robert waits a few minutes to let Seb stew in his anger. He counts to ten before getting up and walking down the hallway to go speak to his son. He can hear muffled cries, and Robert’s chest hurts. Everything hurts, but none of that is comparable to the pain his own son is going through right now. 

Gently, Robert knocks on the door of Seb’s bedroom. “Seb, I’m sorry. Please let me in.”

There’s silence on the other side of the door. Robert doesn’t think he’ll be let in, but he waits a little longer. His patience rewards him when, after a few agonizingly minutes, Seb opens the door. His face is tear-stained and red, but his eyes are dry. Robert thinks he probably wanted to stop crying before letting him in.

Robert follows Seb into the bedroom and sits next to Seb on the bed. “I really love and miss him.” Seb mumbles after a few tense moments. “I’m sorry.”

Robert wonders how many times his heart can break for his son. He hugs Seb softly. “Don’t apologize. I’m sorry. I’m sorry it didn’t work between us. I miss him too. But sometimes life isn’t fair.”

Seb nods against Robert’s chest. Seb knows all too well that life wasn’t fair. If life was fair, he wouldn’t have lost his mother at such a young age. He would have a mother and father who were together and raising him together. It’s a cruel lesson for a five year old to know.

“What do you say to a trip, huh? Just you and me?” Robert asks. Moving to Leeds was supposed to cheer Seb up, and it did, before Aaron and Robert’s break up. Perhaps a short trip away from the rawness of it all will let Seb be happy again.

Seb looks up at Robert with a shy smile and nods. They were going to be okay. They just needed time to heal. 

But Robert can’t stop thinking about the fact that Aaron had split up with Ed.

*

They end up in Edinburgh. For the briefest of moments, Robert contemplated going to Liverpool. But being there would have done the opposite of what he wanted - moving on from his past.

Edinburgh was the safest bet. It was close enough to take a train but different enough for Seb to experience new culture. Seb is excitable the entire time they're in Scotland. From the Edinburgh Castle to Arthur's seat, they do as much touristy things as possible. Robert had arranged for them to spend two weeks up north, taking a much needed vacation and letting Seb enjoy the time off before he would eventually be entering school.

Robert would be lying if he said that he didn't think of Aaron. Quite the opposite - Aaron was on his mind constantly. He wonders what made him break up with the other bloke. If that means something. Before he saw Aaron again in Emmerdale, Robert had noticed an increase of phone calls from Aaron. It of course makes him wonder if maybe there’s a chance Aaron wants Robert back.

In quiet moments, even before coming up to Edinburgh, Robert would replay their fight and subsequent break up. Rightly so, Aaron had looked devastated telling Robert. But the hopeless part of his mind whispers in his mind that it must mean something that Aaron wanted to be with Robert. There was hardly anything malicious in the way Aaron would act around Robert and Seb.

If Robert ever had a chance to be with Aaron again, he wonders if he should take it. Aaron really has been the love of his life. But he also hurt Robert. Does the pain of the betrayal outweigh how much Robert still loves Aaron? He's not sure if he has an answer to that. What he does know is that Robert has never given Aaron a proper chance to ask for forgiveness. Could an act of forgiveness be enough? 

On the eve that Robert and Seb were heading back to Leeds, Seb looks at Robert with a small twinkle in his eye. "I love you, daddy." He says it like it's a secret. This has been the happiest Robert has seen Seb since Aaron left.

Robert smiles and kisses the crown of Seb's head. "I love you too munchkin."

They return to Leeds lighter and happier than before. Seb hasn't mentioned Aaron since returning nor the entirety of their trip to Scotland. But he does carry around Mr. Elfant all the time, with a small secret smile on his face. Robert knows if he asked Seb, he would immediately say the getting back with Aaron was a good idea. He has spent ten years of his life doing what he thought was the right thing, following what his head thought. Robert wonders if it's time he just listen to what his heart wants.

*

Vic has stopped talking about Robert and Seb whenever Aaron is around. He wonders if Robert told her about them. In any case, since that moment Vic had lost Seb and Aaron found him, she’s been strangely tight lipped about the two Sugden boys. 

Adam has been trying to cheer Aaron up these days, always offering to go play darts at the Woolie, or even go out on the pull at Bar West. Aaron usually rejects the Bar West offer, but will sometimes take him up on the darts offer. Sometimes, Aaron will casually mention Robert to Adam to see if Vic has mentioned anything to him. He’s rewarded with information less times than he wants, but at least he manages to learn some things. Like the fact that Robert had taken Seb on a holiday to Scotland for two weeks.

Aaron’s life used to be divided into pre-Robert and post-Robert, after they broke up ten years ago. He can’t do that anymore. So now he just counts the days it’s been since they broke up again. It’s been two months. Sixty one days.

It’s hardly living. Sometimes Aaron falls asleep staring at the ceiling of his bedroom and tries to think of the last time he was truly happy. Probably the day of the fun fair, if he was being perfectly honest. He was very happy being with Robert those four months, but there was an element of guilt that didn’t allow him to be truly be happy.

If Aaron wants to be happy again, he can’t just waste away in the Mill. He thinks he needs to be more active in taking what he wants. He’s never properly apologized to Robert. If he wants a happy and better life, he needs to be forgiven. Or at least be heard out on why he did what he did. 

It’s a ballsy and reckless move, but when Aaron is done with the work at the scrapyard for the day, Aaron declines Adam’s nightly darts offer with a wave of his hand. He goes to the Mill to change out of his work clothes and takes the fastest shower he’s ever known, then he is out the door before he has a chance to second guess what he’s doing. He’s flying down the road until he’s parked outside of Robert’s flat. 

He sits in the car for a while, thinking he should probably wait until Seb is asleep. The last thing he wants is to excite or confuse the boy. He counts the minutes. Every minute that passes, he thinks of another reason why he loves Robert.

By the time Aaron knows Seb is probably asleep, he has a speech in his head. He knows what he wants to say, and knows all the different reasons why he loves Robert. He has known Robert like nobody else and he loves him like nobody else. It’s time to put words to all those feelings.

Heart in his throat, he knocks on the door of Robert’s flat. It takes a while before Robert is answering the door. When he does and sees Aaron, his face pales and is about the close the door, when Aaron sticks his foot between the frame and the door.

“I love you. I’ve loved you since I was seventeen. You changed my life. I was so angry and broken when I met you, but you made me feel whole. You loved me when I was at the worst time in my life and I’ll never forget that. And even though we didn’t last long and our relationship ended so spectacularly, I still loved you and I carried it with me these ten years. It’s because of you I made it to Emmerdale and met my family again. And seeing you again after so many years, I felt like I was that seventeen year old again. I should have been honest, I know that. But I wanted you in my life again and I didn’t care what that meant. I loved you. I love you still. And I love Seb. And I know I don’t deserve forgiveness or whatever, but I wanted you to just hear me out. I’m sorry.” Aaron barrels through his speech. He feels out of breath by the time he finishes. 

Robert stares at him for a long time, silent, assessing. “Right. Is that all?” He finally asks, voice cold. 

His dismissive words and cold tone deflates Aaron a little bit. “Yeah, I guess so.”

Robert nods, but miraculously does not slam the door on Aaron’s face. “Wait here.” He says, and walks back into the flat. Aaron is nervous and unsure of what is happening, but he nonetheless waits in silent anticipation.

Robert comes back shortly later, holding Aaron’s chest. Aaron thought for sure he would never see it again after leaving it at Robert’s flat. Thought Robert would have tossed it. It’s what Aaron would have deserved. He hands the chest to Aaron. “I don’t know how you could stand to keep that after so many years. It makes me sick looking at them.” Robert states.

Aaron is still a little unsure what the hell is going on, but he takes the chest. “That’s because you didn’t hurt me as much as you thought you did. Think what I did was a little worse.” Aaron offers.

Robert scoffs, “You can say that again.” Aaron doesn’t know what to say back, doesn’t know if Robert is going to say something, or if this is it. “Heard you and your bloke broke up.”

“Yeah. I never deserved him, and he never deserved to be messed about. Just like you didn’t.” Aaron says.

“Did you tell him about us?”

Aaron remembers Ed’s tears, his anger, his heartbreak. It was one of the worst things Aaron had to do, and it made it all the worse knowing Aaron didn’t care as much as he probably should have. “Yes. He still wanted to be together even after I told him.”

That got Robert to look at Aaron with surprise written on his face. “And you didn’t take it?”

“I would have never told him about us if that’s what I wanted. But he deserved to know the truth like you did. And I wouldn’t have lived a complete life if I had allowed him to take me back.” Aaron honestly says. He knows now that the moment he first kissed Robert, whatever life he was going to have with Ed was never going to be the life he wanted. 

Robert nods. Just as Aaron thinks he’s about to close the door on Aaron’s face, he instead opens the door wider and steps aside, letting Aaron in. Holding his breath, Aaron walks in cautiously, feeling slightly suspicious about what is going on. 

The flat looks more or less exactly the same since that fateful night. Some of the potted plants near the french doors are gone, the others are wilted and sad looking. The furniture is rearranged - a tv stand now covers that area where the damaged drywall was. In a way, it looks like Robert was trying to remove things that reminded him of Aaron. It hurt Aaron’s heart.

Robert looks at Aaron coolly before sitting down on one of the barstools at the breakfast island. “You know, the hardest part of all this wasn’t my own heartbreak. It was also dealing with Seb’s. He never deserved any of this.”

“No, he didn’t. It was wrong of me to try to play happy families with you and him.” Aaron is willing to drag himself through any of the mud Robert flings at him. Almost as if approaching a wild animal, he cautiously goes to the island, and tentatively sits on a barstool one away from Robert’s.

“If we were to try this again, he’s going to always come first. He needs stability.” Robert continues, and Aaron is having a hard time believing what he’s hearing.

“Are-?”

“We’ve both made mistakes with one another. I’m willing to put it aside if you are.” Robert is offering an olive branch that Aaron knows he doesn’t deserve. 

“Yes. Yes, of course. And we start talking to each other about things? I want to be completely honest with you all the time.” Aaron feels a little hysterical, this was the last thing he thought would happen when he came here. 

“No secrets.” Robert agrees.

“Never.”

“Well, then.” Robert reaches out and touches Aaron’s hand softly. He doesn’t remember the last time Robert did this, and just the smallest of touches makes him cry. He moves over to the buffer barstool to be closer to Robert, and they just gaze at each other. “It’s always going to be me and you.” Robert whispers softly, causing Aaron to nod. It is. No matter what happens, it is always going to be them. 

Robert leans closer and Aaron’s heart flutters in anticipation. Robert closes the distance and kisses him. It’s perfect and sweet and some tears spring out from Aaron’s eyes. It’s going to take a long time to mend the hurt, but Aaron is willing to do anything he can to walk this road to forgiveness. Losing Robert again is not an option.

They end up in bed together. Aaron’s legs wrapped around Robert’s waist as Robert places sloppy and desperate kisses across Aaron’s face. It’s too much and not enough at the same time. Connected like this is more intimate and impactful knowing no secrets lie between them. They are the truest they can be in this moment, and it makes Aaron cry.

Robert stops pushing into Aaron, to wipe the tears from Aaron’s face. “It’s okay. I’ve got you. I’ll always have you.” Robert whispers quietly. 

“Always.” Aaron echoes and lets himself go in Robert’s embrace.

 

Epilogue

Aaron takes to playing with his ring all the time. It’s platinum and textured to resemble a thread. An hommage to Aaron’s original engagement ring. Sometimes, Aaron will zone out from his surroundings to admire his beautiful ring and all it symbolizes.

A month after they got back together, Robert packed his stuff and moved him and Seb in to the Mill. Robert would go twice a week go to Leeds, but managed to do most of his work from home. Though, he has expressed interest in buying a stake into Home James Haulage.

It’s been a year since Robert and Aaron have gotten back together. Aaron proposed to Robert two months after they were ‘official’, deciding it was his turn to propose. Robert had teared up and laughed when Aaron pulled out the ring box, pulling out a ring box of his own. They had spent a weekend in Liverpool reminiscing their summer of love and both had ulterior motives when it came to that trip.

Aaron had spent the first two months they had gotten back together looking for the perfect ring. He had found a beautiful black gold ring that was also textured. Apparently Robert had the same idea and had been looking for a ring as well. It was a wonderful moment, and while their first proposal had been romantic and perfect, Aaron would have to say the second proposal gave it a run for its money.

They got married shortly after their proposal. They went to a registrar’s office in Leeds and said their vows in front of the registrar, two strangers as witnesses, and Seb. Seb was the only one who mattered when it came to who was going to be present at their wedding. He had cried happy tears when he had woken up the next morning and saw Aaron in bed with Robert. He’s six now, and getting older, but still loves Aaron with his whole heart.

Sometimes, Aaron will overhear Seb talking to Robert and will call Aaron his bonus daddy. It almost makes Aaron cry when he hears that. Seb has yet to call Aaron ‘daddy’ to his face, but he’ll sometimes look bashful or upset when he calls him ‘Aaron’. Aaron thinks about sitting Seb down and telling him he would be honored if Seb would call him ‘daddy’. Aaron has had many titles in his life: son, boyfriend, fiance, husband. But he thinks ‘daddy’ might be the title he would love the most (besides husband). They’ve been in the process of Aaron adopting Seb, but adoption bureaucracy is a nightmare, so they’ve settled for a parental order for now. 

No one in either of their family could understand why they had moved so fast with marriage. Not even Vic, who was by far the most supportive out of anyone when they got together. Chas called Robert a usurper for months, before Aaron not so gently told Chas that he couldn’t be a usurper when Robert had owned his heart for more than a decade. Then the gossip of how long they would last slowly faded away once people in the village began to realize Robert and Aaron shared more history than anyone would know.

They’ve also proved everyone wrong by being as solid of a couple now than when they first got together. It makes Aaron happier every day he wakes up and is greeted by Robert’s face in the mornings.

It’s August, and summer is winding down. Seb will be going to school come September. But for now, they’re at the Woolie with Vic and Adam. Vic and Adam are married and looking into adoption themselves. 

“You should come to Manchester with us this weekend!” Vic suggests. They’ve been much more successful with adoption than Robert and Aaron, and will be getting their baby next week. Manchester is their last hurrah before becoming parents.

“Can’t. We’re already going somewhere this weekend.” Robert declines easily enough. “Romantic getaway before school starts.” He continues with a wink and throws his arm around Aaron’s shoulders. It’s not so much a romantic getaway as they’re taking Seb with them, but it is a getaway from the village.

Vic pouts, “Where are ya going?”

“Liverpool!” Seb supplies, eager enough. It causes Vic to laugh and Adam to groan.

He throws a chip towards Aaron, “Only you two would consider Liverpool a romantic destination.” Robert and Aaron share a secret smile but make no comment to refute it. They’ve gone to Liverpool a handful of times since they’ve reunited. It will always be a special place for them and this time they’re taking Seb so he can know a little more about his daddies.

They say goodbye to Vic and Adam shortly afterwards and make it back to the Mill. When they get home, their dog, Bas, is jumping and greeting the lot of them. Bas is an australian cattle dog and the newest member of their family unit. Aaron had finally confessed to Robert that he thought Seb was a dog when they first met and Robert had laughed and laughed. Bas’s full name is Bastion, a reference of being the protector of the Mill, but a subtle jab at Aaron’s misunderstanding. Aaron’s face turned a shade of pink when Robert happily announced the name and then kissed Aaron’s blush away.

Seb and Bas go upstairs leaving Robert and Aaron alone downstairs. Aaron looks at Robert with a smile that Robert notices, “What?”

“Nothing. Just...happy.” Aaron shrugs, smile still in place. Robert smiles back and walks over to Aaron. He brackets Aaron and gives him a few kisses before pulling away and his smile grows.

“I’m happy too. Reckon I’ll be happy for a long time coming, husband.” Robert responds with a quirk of his lips. They’ve taken to calling each other husband as much as possible. Possibly in an effort to make up all the lost time they didn’t and couldn’t call each other that.

“You reckon, husband?” Aaron answers back.

“I know so, husband.” Robert whispers and the two share a long embrace, both happy beyond belief. At seventeen, Aaron met the love of his life, and at twenty-eight, he gets to call him his husband. It was a long and bumpy road, but he wouldn’t give up this life for anything in the world.