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They don’t talk about the future. It’s something that has been driving Alec mad, but at the same time, he knew why, he understood why. He knew that Magnus did his best not to think about the limited time they have together, and how much it weighed on him. But, at the same time, never planning anything, and trying to constantly live in the moment was starting to wear him down and his heart ached with it.
Alec wanted to plan a vacation. A dozen of them. He wanted to think about their future without either of them being tense, and that included what could be facing them in seventy years time. Alec sighed and pushed his fingers through his hair at the knock to his office door. He wanted to have this stop being something they danced around, unable to ever talk about.
But even more than that, he wished that Magnus would believe him every time he tried to bring up not having it be a problem anymore.
“Alec."
Alec looked up at Catarina and sighed, gesturing her forward with a smile. "It’s good to see you. I’m sorry for calling you here like this, but I need your help."
Catarina raised her eyebrows. "I consider myself a very capable warlock, Alec, but I find it near impossible to believe that there is something that I could help you with that your husband could not also assist with."
Alec nodded. "You’re right. But this isn’t a conversation he’s willing to have with me. And I don’t…” he took a deep breath and lifted his eyes to her. “I know it’s because of something in his past and I don’t need him to tell me, I promise I don’t. But I can’t go on constantly living in the moment."
Catarina frowned. "Which, means what, precisely?"
"I want to plan some of our future,” Alec said, placing his elbows on his desk, taking a deep breath. “I want to be able to talk about the future for us.” He offered her a small smile. "I want to take a vacation with him. A proper honeymoon, even.“ Alec swallowed and continued. "I want to have a discussion about kids, with him, if he wants them, and how we can, you know, go about that."
Relaxing into the seat across from Alec now that she understood the breadth of the conversation better, she summoned a glass of wine to her hands and took a sip. "He won’t have these conversations with you?"
Alec shook his head and his face fell. "He, he gets this look on his face and I know what he’s thinking, what he’s picturing, and when I even try to bring up that, he-"
"Bring up?” Catarina interrupted, her eyes narrowing. “Mortality isn’t something you can change, Alec."
Alec swallowed and took a measured breath, lifting his eyes to look at her. "You and I both know that isn’t true, Catarina. But he refuses to have the conversation with me. And I don’t…” he trailed off, looking to the side of his office, his voice going sad and wistful. “I don’t know if that means he doesn’t want that with me, and I don’t know how to ask that question, or if I can bear to hear the answer."
Catarina scoffed around her wine glass. "Don’t be ridiculous."
Alec’s eyes snapped back to her and he frowned. "What?"
"You heard me,” she said, looking at him over the rim as she sipped again. “Don’t be ridiculous."
Against his will, Alec laughed, leaning back in his office chair. "I’m trying to find a way to tell my husband I want forever, I want a family with him, and I want to do it soon, and he’s not listening. Catarina, he’s your oldest friend. What the hell do I do?"
Catarina hummed, considering it, her eyes raking over Alec Lightwood-Bane in front of her. She tilted her head. "I don’t know if I have the answer to that question. But I do know that it’s a decision that you can make, not him. He will never ask that of you, nor demand it."
Alec nodded and smiled. "I know. That’s the kind of person he is. He’d never be that selfish. But I can’t…" he paused and tried to think of how to word the rest of this. "I can’t just do this if I don’t know that he wants forever, you know, with me."
"And if he did? And you knew it?” Catarina asked, fighting down a smile as she enjoyed the taste of her wine. Magnus was going to owe her a bottle from his vineyard in France for this little pep talk of his shadowhunter.
“I’d do it tomorrow,” Alec said with a shrug.
Catarina hummed, leaning back in the chair. “You have everything you need?"
Alec swallowed and his eyes flicked up at her, tightening his hands on the chair he was sitting in. "I do."
She tilted her head and hummed again. The one ingredient that would have been most difficult to obtain would have been immortal blood. But that didn’t seem to have been a deterrent. Strange.
"You know how to brew the potion?” she continued, raising her eyebrows.
Alec took another deep breath and reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a vial. It was golden, like the blood of Jace’s he’d dipped into it, and the color hadn’t faded over the past two weeks. It was still as bright and vibrant as the day he’d brewed it while Magnus was at work.
Catarina’s eyes widened and she leaned forward, holding her hand out for it. “Give it to me,” she ordered.
Alec hesitated, but offered it to her easily enough. He watched magic swirl around her hand and the potion. “If you change it at all, I’ll brew another,” he warned, narrowing his eyes.
She scoffed. “I’m making sure you did it correctly, Alec. You know this is dangerous."
Alec relaxed and let her examine the potion for as long as she needed. The minutes ticked by as her magic examined the vial until she pulled it back and handed it back to him. Her eyes were narrowed and shrewd.
"I have never seen one of the Nephilim take so well to the warlock arts,” Catarina said. “The potion is flawless. I’m not sure I could have brewed it better myself."
"I have to get this right,” Alec said simply, tucking the potion into his jacket pocket again. The tiny vial was runed against breaking, and against being opened by anyone but him, but he kept it close to his heart until he could get the courage to, to, hopefully take it one day.
Catarina watched him and drained the rest of her wine, disappearing the glass. “You know immortality is a curse as much as a blessing?"
"I do,” Alec said with a nod.
“You don’t,” she corrected. “But I think you’re willing to shoulder that, for him."
Alec stared at her and nodded again. "I am."
"And you know that this cannot be undone,” she added. “That as time goes by, you will become different people."
"I…” Alec swallowed and fought down tears, blinking hard as he stared at his desk. “I’m a different person than I was when I met Magnus. It’s been more than five years, Catarina. I am different now than I was. And Magnus still loves me, and I love him more than I ever thought possible."
Catarina said nothing, watching him carefully as he continued.
"I know things are going to be different a century from now. And that’s okay, I have no problem with that, because I know,” Alec took a deep breath and met her eyes again. “Because I know that I’m never going to regret making this choice. Picking him. I’m going to love him, no matter who is he is, even hundreds of years from now."
“You can’t know that now,” Catarina said, her voice gentle.
Alec lifted his chin. “I can, and do.” He leveled his gaze at her. “I walked into Edom for him, Catarina. I’d do it a hundred, a thousand times over. I’d live there with him if it came down to it.”
Catarina raised an eyebrow. That was true, and she didn’t sense a lie in the words, only a conviction that went soul-deep. She stood up and stretched. “Then you know what you need to do.”
Alec watched her leave and sank back in the chair. He pulled the vial out and looked at it. She was right. He did. He stood up and packed up for the day, heading home.
~!~
Magnus could feel that Alexander was in the loft the second he portalled home, but all of the lights were off, and there was every indication that it was empty. He frowned and checked the living room, kitchen and bedroom, but there was no sign of Alec. Which left one place to look. He headed to the balcony and relaxed when he caught sight of Alec sitting in his favorite chair, his head tilted back as he looked at the stars. His skin was bright and pale in the light of the demon towers.
"Alexander?” Magnus called. He stepped closer, worry creeping over him when Alec didn’t react right away. “Alec? Are you all right?"
Alec blinked slowly, turning his attention away from the stars and towards Magnus. He forced a smile on his face and nodded. "Yeah, of course."
Magnus breathed out a sigh of relief and moved closer, sitting on the arm of the chair Alec was reclining in, reaching out to take Alec’s hand, squeezing it. "You sure?"
Alec hummed and turned his attention back to the stars and stared at them for a long moment. "I’m always okay when you’re here, Magnus,” he said, simple certainty in his voice. He squeezed Magnus’ hand and traced the outline of the constellations he knew with his eyes again and again.
The simple words did a lot of relax him, but he could still tell that something was off with Alec. “Will you talk to me?"
Alec didn’t laugh, but it was a close thing. He turned his attention to Magnus and tugged him down and into a soft kiss, relaxing into the gentle press of their lips. "When you want to talk to me, yes."
Magnus blinked, frowning. Alec went back to his previous position, staring up at the stars and a cold, tight feeling started to gather in his stomach. Something was very, very wrong, no matter what Alec said.
"Stop panicking,” Alec ordered softly, his fingertips sweeping over Magnus’ wrist where he could feel his pulse racing. “Nothing is wrong love, I promise.” He lifted Magnus’ hand and pressed a kiss to his palm.
Some of the tension bled out of Magnus, but he was waiting for the other shoe to drop, for Alec to tell him what had him so pensive and quiet. “I’m ready to talk."
Alec hummed and looked over at Magnus, smiling faintly at him. He stood up and kept Magnus’ hand as he gently tugged him into the loft and towards the couch that they spent a good portion of their evenings curled up on. He got himself situated and tugged Magnus down, on top of him. The vial pressed tight against his heart and Alec fished it out, resting it on the table next to them.
Magnus’ eyes were drawn to the gold liquid shining in the small bottle and he turned to Alec with a question, but Alec was shaking his head.
"Not yet,” Alec said. “That’s for after."
Magnus pulled his eyes away from it and looked back to Alec. "You’re worrying me, Alexander."
Alec took a deep breath. "I’m sorry. I’m not trying to worry you, I’m just trying to make sure that I do this right."
"Do what right?” Magnus asked, his voice turning a little frustrated. “Alec, please, talk to me."
"I want to talk about the future,” Alec said, his voice certain. He felt Magnus tense and held on, exhaling hard. "I want to talk about planning a vacation, a dozen vacations, with you, Magnus. I want to talk about kids, if that’s something you could ever want at some point in the future.“
Magnus tensed and clenched his eyes shut, taking in a shaky breath. "Alexander…"
Alec smiled and rubbed a hand up and down Magnus’ back. "I can’t always live in the moment and only the moment, Magnus. I can’t do it."
Magnus sighed, guilt filling him. He knew he’d been asking too much of Alexander to try to do that, but it was the only way he couldn’t think of what was coming further down the pipe. "Alec, I-"
"Hold on,” Alec interrupted. “I don’t want you to apologize, Magnus. I know why you’re doing it and where it’s coming from. I’m not angry. I’m sad, but I know why, okay?"
"That doesn’t make it right,” Magnus muttered, turning his face into Alec’s neck to sigh against his skin. “I’m sorry."
Alec huffed and rolled his eyes, pressing a kiss to the top of Magnus’ head. "I did just say I didn’t want an apology, remember?"
Magnus nodded against Alec, clenching his fingers in Alec’s shirt. "I do want kids,” he admitted softly. He breathed out, trying to force the words past his lips. “I, warlock babies are often abandoned. Or they have circumstances like mine. I’d, I’d love to take one in. Or, or more. If you wanted."
Alec breathed out, happiness flushing through him as he held onto Magnus even tighter, his whole heart expanding at the idea of Magnus and he as parents, with kids. He’d barely allowed himself to imagine it. “I want,” he whispered, tightening his arms around Magnus. “I want that, Magnus. I want to raise kids with you.”
Magnus tightened his fingers until he was sure that it was uncomfortable for Alec, but he didn’t hear the shadowhunter protesting. He breathed out, trying to smile. “You can plan as many vacations as you want. As long as you promise I can still steal you away on long weekends, of course.”
“I wouldn’t give those up for the world,” Alec admitted. “Don’t worry, I promise I still want you to kidnap me for lunches in Japan, or steal me away to some mountain village for a weekend.”
Magnus laughed and finally felt a real smile cross his lips. “Okay. That. That sounds good, Alexander. We can do that.”
Things were silent for a while and Magnus wondered if that was all Alec wanted to talk about, but he seemed to be steeling himself for something, or to say something. Eventually, Alec took a large deep breath.
“Last thing,” Alec breathed. “I don’t know how to ask you this, Magnus.”
Magnus tensed, any hope of relaxing gone with those words. “You know that I’d prefer if you just say it, rather than this song and dance, Alexander.”
“Do…” Alec bit down on his lip and forced himself to spit the words out. “Do you want forever with me?”
Magnus shoved himself up and away from Alec’s chest, standing and pacing away from him. “Don’t ask me that, Alec. Don’t, please, don’t.”
Alec slowly shifted and sat down on the couch, watching Magnus pace in front of him, his posture angry and tense. “Tell me why,” he asked, his voice soft.
“Alexander,” Magnus said, his voice breaking. “I can’t…please…”
Alec took a deep breath and stared at Magnus, at the heartbreak written so plainly across his face and stood up, swiping the bottle into his hand in an easy motion as he strode over to Magnus. He cupped Magnus’ face in his hands, pulling him in for a gentle kiss. “Magnus.”
Magnus reached out, clinging to Alec’s shirt, his shoulders shaking. “Alexander, I’m sorry, but I can’t…”
“I know,” Alec whispered, kissing him again. He gently wiped the tears away, pressing their foreheads together. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” Magnus breathed.
Alec smiled and swept his fingers over Magnus’ cheeks again, holding him close. Catarina had been right. He did know what he needed to do. “I want forever with you,” he admitted, the confession loud in the quiet room. “I want your forever with you, Magnus. I never want to put you through the pain of losing me. But I’m scared you don’t want the same thing.”
Magnus breath caught and he stared at Alec, his eyes wide in shock.
“But I realized something,” Alec said, stepping back, just a little from Magnus, pulling the stopper out of the vial. Before Magnus could stop him, he tossed it back, swallowing down the thick gold liquid. He stared back at Magnus, at the shock and fear he could see in those eyes. “I can’t always expect you to make the leap of faith for us. This is my leap.”
“Alexander…” Magnus whispered, his eyes darting between Alec and the empty vial in his hand. “What did you just do?”
Alec held out the vial to Magnus, pressing it into his hand. “You’ll know as soon as you look,” he promised, and even now, he could feel the thick liquid spreading through his veins like syrup, his runes starting to flare bright gold, just like Jace’s, one by one. “I’ll be on the balcony when you’re done.”
Magnus watched Alec go, reading the pain in his shoulders and the slow way Alec was walking before he looked back at the vial in his hand. He sniffed it and reached out with his magic. With a shock, he realized what it was, what Alec had done. The texts for this potion were buried in the deepest vaults of the Spiral Labyrinth, how had Alexander gotten his hands on it? More important than that, who had brewed it for him?
Anger curled in him, thick and hot, that another warlock would go behind his back and-
Magnus stopped. He looked out at the balcony where Alexander was curled up in his chair again, but this time his face was hidden in his arms. I want your forever with you, Magnus. The words echoed in his mind and he stared at the way Alec was hunched in on himself. I’m scared you don’t want the same thing.
Alec had chosen him. Alec had picked him, and had decided on forever. Horror filled him as he realized something. Alec had picked him, had taken the permanent step forward and he still didn’t know if Magnus wanted him. Magnus flew into motion, dashing out to the balcony, sliding to his knees in front of the chair, reaching out to grab Alec’s arms, his magic flying to his fingertips, only to have his hands knocked away by Alexander.
“You can’t stop it now,” Alec said, his voice hoarse. “Don’t try. It’ll, it’ll just hurt more.”
Magnus wanted to shake his stupid, stubborn, perfect shadowhunter. “I’m not trying to stop it, Alexander, but I can take some of the pain away.” Alec scoffed, clearly not believing him entirely, but he held out a hand, and Magnus immediately grasped it, pressing his lips to the back of Alec’s hand. He sent his magic flying into Alexander, soothing the burn of the pain he could feel scorching its way through the Nephilim, irrevocably changing him. Alec relaxed and Magnus clenched his hand on Alec’s, pressing his lips tighter to it as tears started to fall down his face.
“Please don’t cry, Magnus,” Alec whispered, his voice hoarse. “Please, please don’t cry. This was my choice, and I’m not going to regret it.”
“I want forever,” Magnus whispered, keeping his hand wrapped around Alec’s. “I want forever with you, Alexander. I could love you for a thousand years and it still wouldn’t be anywhere near enough.”
Alec shifted, his other hand going to Magnus, pulling him in closer. “Magnus. Look at me.”
“I couldn’t tell you,” Magnus continued and felt his shoulders shake, even as Alec’s other hand came around him and Alec scooted to the edge of the chair, tugging him in. “I couldn’t tell you that I wanted it, and have you do it for me and have you resent me for it, Alexander. I couldn’t. That would have broken me in a way I could never come back from.”
Alec smiled, quick and faint as he pressed a kiss to Magnus’ forehead. “I know, love. I know.”
Magnus sobbed out a breath in relief and looked up at Alec, at the love he could see in Alec’s eyes and threw himself into Alec’s arms, glad when Alec held him close. He pressed his lips to Alec’s deflect rune, only for it to flare gold, illuminating them both.
Alec didn’t know how long they sat together, clinging desperately as the last of the pain from the potion started to fade. He took a slow breath, cradling Magnus against him carefully, their slow, steady breathing a relief.
“I want you to show me the world, Magnus,” he whispered. “I want to take a dozen trips to Tokyo, and still find new things there every time. I want to watch our kids grow up, and find love for themselves.” Alec smiled. “I want to help create real change in the Shadow World, and I want to be here long enough to see the results of my work.”
Magnus breathed out, slow and steady, Alec’s quiet and steady voice echoing in his ear. He smiled faintly, and for the first time, hearing Alec paint a picture of their future didn’t make his chest ache with pain.
“I want all of that, but more than any of it,” Alec whispered. “I want you, Magnus. I want your smiles, your laughter, your joy, your anger, your fear, all of it. I’m not scared. I’m more sure of this than I have been of anything else in my life.” He kissed Magnus’ cheek again and smiled. “You have given me everything, Magnus. But I finally figured out there’s something I can give you back.”
Magnus turned his head to look up at Alec, raising his eyebrows curiously. “What’s that?”
Alec leaned in for a slow kiss, his eyes fluttering shut until they pulled apart, just barely. “Faith, Magnus.” He reached up and cupped Magnus’ jaw in his hand and pulled him in closer. “Faith that I’m not going to leave you. That I’m going to love you for the rest of your life. That I’m never going to regret this decision.”
Alec smiled and kissed Magnus again, this time harder, until the warlock was groaning into his mouth, pressing into the kiss. “I’m going to love you, Magnus, until you finally believe that you deserve everything I have to give and more.”
Magnus’ breath caught and he pulled Alexander into another kiss, sliding his fingers over the runes still glowing gold. Forever. They had forever.