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The city of Los Angeles was alive and bustling as it always was at nine o’clock on a Friday night. The clubs were opening for the early birds and the restaurants were winding down for the night owls. The lights were sparkling along the skyline of the city of Angels, even the suburban areas were alight with parties and police lights.
One apartment near the centre of Los Angeles was dark, curtains blocking out the nightlife. Unopened letters cluttered the kitchen bench, a phone laying on top all the papers. The dishes stacked up by the sink.
I just keep running ‘round in circles babe
And yet I haven’t found a clue
On the couch, sat a blonde boy who was seemingly content to be lost in his memories. He had bought the apartment with his lover, best friend and business partner. Colby hadn’t been overly invested but had indulged Sam’s every wish for decorating the apartment. Usually, coloured lights lit up the walls and the various canvas pictures, but Sam hadn’t turned them on for a number of days. Instead favouring the darkness.
He had always felt more alive in the dark, most likely a side effect of the 3am challenges and all of his and Colby’s abandoned exploration trips. Most people felt afraid and scared of the dark, but not Sam and he had managed to rub it off on Colby too, before-
A way to get around you, no
And I don’t know why
Sam’s phone buzzed, bringing him back to reality, but gave him no energy to move. He glanced towards the kitchen, deciding if it was important enough. He knew that it wasn’t Colby and therefore, he stayed in the same position, that he had adopted since lunch time.
A voice in the back of his mind screamed, screeched at him that this wasn’t healthy, what he was doing to himself wasn’t healthy. But the blonde couldn’t bring himself to care. He still smiled, he still found happiness, even if his world had shrunk considerably. His hand, absentmindedly, nudged a piece of wood further into its hiding place.
A photo, sitting on the side table below the television, caught Sam’s eyes. He moved for the first time in hours and picked up the photo. It was of him and Colby when they had won their Teen Choice Award. The blonde found himself staring at Colby’s eyes, the two pools of sparkling blue, frozen in time.
But I’m mesmerised by your broken eyes
But I can’t complain
Two eyes reflected in the edge of the photo, bringing an immediate smile to the blonde’s face.
“Colbs!”
“Hey babe.” Sam turned around, the photo, now forgotten, left to fall from his hand. As he wrapped his arms around his lover’s neck, he winced as the glass shattered on the floor.
“Sorry.” Sam mumbled as he buried his head in Colby’s shoulder, trying to ignore how cold it was.
“Accidents happen, Sammy. You don’t need to apologise.”
Sam felt arms tightened around his waist and he hummed into the embrace, wishing he could still feel the warmth that Colby had always provided him with, until-
“Your phone’s buzzing again.” Colby whispered in his ear, his cold breath tickling Sam’s ear and down through his neck.
“Leave it. It’ll be Jake.”
Jake, their younger friend with brightly coloured hair, had stayed as close to Sam as they had been when they were all still living in the Traphouse. They had all tried to stay close, and it worked until a few months into their new living arrangements. Sam had stopped reaching out to Corey, Aaron and even Elton, and in return, his number became forgotten data in their phones. He no longer saw Brennen, though he was always more of Colby’s friend than Sam’s.
Sam pushed himself away from everyone, which meant that Jake had pushed harder to see him. The blonde knew that there was no way that Jake would let him drift away from everything. But he didn’t always help. Sometimes, Sam just wanted to spend the day with Colby in their apartment, Jake seemed to never let that happen.
When I go insane
As I call your name
Speak of the devil, the doorbell rang. Colby sighed as he pulled away from Sam.
“You should answer it.” Colby let his hands trail and linger on Sam’s skin for a second longer. The blonde let his head fall slightly, his mouth releasing a small gasp as his lover’s hands brushed over his backside before they disappeared and the doorbell rang again.
“I’m coming!” Sam answered, knowing that Colby had left the room without needing to look. For some reason, Colby had become more of a recluse than Sam, yet Jake didn’t worry about that. Sam shook his head as his hands opened the door. As he had thought, Jake stood in front of his door with a huge grin on his face.
“Good, you’re dressed. We’re going out.” Jake reached for Sam, trying to pull him.
“Yo yo yo, what?”
“You, me, Tara and one of her friends. We’re all invited to this party, so we’re going.” Jake pushed passed Sam after releasing his wrists, moving straight to the kitchen and picking up Sam’s phone. “Get your keys and lets go.” Sam sighed, eyes flickering to the bedroom door, wishing for nothing more than to spend the night tangled in the bed sheets with Colby.
“Fine, okay.” Sam relented, knowing that Jake wouldn’t stop until he got his way. A little voice in the back of his head told him to go.
“Good. Tara’s waiting, so move it, brother.” The blonde flipped him off before walking out the door, forced to be social while his boyfriend gets to hide in their bedroom.
And all I see is you next to me
A ghost of you tangled up in my sheets
“Hey Sam.”
“Hi Tara.” Sam greeted as Jake led him to the parking garage where Jake’s car was parked. Tara was sitting on the front of the car while a blue haired girl leant over the front wheel.
“This is Katrina.” Tara introduced as she scooted forward and jumped off the car.
“Everyone usually calls me Kat, though.” The blue haired girl stepped forward, holding her hand out to shake. Sam glanced at her hand for a second before forcing himself to shake it.
“Well it’s nice to meet you, Kat. I’m Sam.” He smiled with his mouth, the lie not reaching his eyes.
“Now that everyone knows each other. Let’s go partyyyyyy!” Jake shouted, jumping around before smacking his head on the roof of the car as he tried to bounce into the driver’s seat.
“Jake!” Tara chastised and Sam let the stray chuckle leave his mouth. It had been a while since he had actually laughed.
By the time they had arrived at the party, the house was in full swing. Empty, red solo cups had been abandoned on the lawn, making a pathway to the front door which had people spilling out of it. The music thumped and Sam wondered if the cops were going to show up soon, to shut the party down.
The four of them hopped out of the car, with Jake and Tara rushing inside, leaving Sam and Kat to themselves.
“Do they normally do this?” Kat asked, quickly and awkwardly explaining that she had only just met Jake tonight too.
“Uh,” his fingers scratched the back of his neck. “I don’t actually know. The last time I went to a party with Jake, it was at our old house.”
“Oh.” The two of them stood outside the house, the concrete path leading to the door separating them like a river. Sam’s thoughts drifting back to Colby. Why couldn’t he come? He was the wild one.
“I, uh-“
“So, uh-“ They both had started to speak at the same time, making them both laugh. For Sam it wasn’t fake like it was usually with Jake. He wasn’t pretending with Kat.
“Let’s go in.” Sam stated, waving his arm, motioning her first. She giggled but grabbed onto his wrist. He froze, the memory of Colby’s fingers ghosting across his mind.
“I don’t wanna lose you.” He almost said those words back but it wasn’t her that the words would be directed at. She smiled and waited for him to nod and flash a smile back at her. With that, Sam was lead into the crazy frenzy that was a typical Los Angeles party.
It weighs me down to this ocean floor
I know I’ll drown yet I’m begging for more
Sam was sure he had seen faces he knew but he was trying to stay focused on Kat who was currently dancing, still latched onto his arm. The blonde thought for sure that he would shake her off and try to track down Jake, but he found that he didn’t want to. He wanted to stay with her, watching as she swung her hips and giggled, completely sober but having more fun than anyone else. Her energy was intoxicating and Sam wanted more. He desperately craved to feel this feeling that he hadn’t felt since-
“Did I ever tell you that I love our matching tracksuits? I think we should wear these everyday.” Hands wrapped around his waist as a husky voice murmured in his ear. The sweet smell of his lover’s cologne overwhelmed his nose as he relaxed into the arms.
“I’d prefer our birthday suits, but I’m happy to compromise.” Sam felt the deep chuckle on his back before he was spun around and was now facing Colby. They were surrounded by people, practically shoulder to shoulder at the last party at the Traphouse. And yet, they felt like they were alone, drowning in the blue of the other’s eyes.
Sam was brought out of his head by delicate fingers caressing his cheek. He hummed in response, feeling the alcohol burning in his bloodstream. Breath blew across his lips as Kat’s met his, forming together in the way he had only ever experienced with Colby.
Colby! Fuck.
Sam pushed her away from him before storming away. Her hand fumbled to grab his arm again but he continued to shake her off.
“Sam! Sam just talk to me. Sam! I’m sorry.” She continued to cry until he got outside. He swung around, anger pouring from his veins, clouding his vision of the girl in front of him.
“I have a boyfriend, okay! I have a fucking boyfriend who I would have preferred to spend the night with him in our bed but I didn’t have a fucking choice because Jake’s apparently decided I can’t!”
“I-I’m sorry. I didn’t r-realise... Sam please.” Kat had fallen onto her knees at his outburst, tears streaming down his cheek. But he didn’t have the heart to care. He just wanted Colby. Just then, Jake and Tara poured out of the house, obviously having heard the commotion.
“Sam, what the fuck bro?”
“You fucking set me up? You know I’m with Colby! Or did you suddenly forget about the guy that I’ve loved for years?” Sam didn’t know if it was the alcohol fuelling him or some unresolved tension but he continued to feel the anger steam against his skin.
“Sam, you’re fucked in the head, brother. You need some fucking help and I thought that I could offer that but not anymore! I’m done! I’m tired of trying to hold you together when you clearly couldn’t care less!” Jake threw his half full solo cup across the garden before stomping back inside the house.
“Sam, listen. You know Colby is-“
“Oh fuck off Tara. Go comfort your baby boyfriend.” Tara shut her mouth, flashed him the bird before helping Kat up and heading back inside. Just as she got to the door, she turned back. “Good luck getting home.”
That’s when the anger began to seep away. He had no clue where he was and while he could always call Colby, something inside him told him not to. That Colby wouldn’t answer his phone. He kicked Jake’s cup half heartedly.
I could feel you move and hear you breathe
I could wear this heart out on my sleeve
“Sam?” The familiar voice asked from behind him. He didn’t have to turn his head before Devyn walked into view. “Are you okay?”
“No. But yeah.” She nodded, and Sam realised that she had watched everything. He knew that he had cheated on Colby.
“Please don’t tell Colby about the kiss. It meant nothing to me, I swear.” Her mouth fell in surprise and an expression that Sam couldn’t decipher flashed across her face.
“Let’s just get you home.” He simply nodded and let himself be led to her car.
“So, uh. How’s life?” Sam asked as the quiet night bled into the car, the streetlights flashing past.
“Corey and I broke up. A week ago, actually.” The news shocked him.
“Seriously? I thought you two would’ve been the first to get married.” She flashed him a sad smile and he immediately regretted saying that. But before he could attempt to fix it, she spoke.
“I still love him and I think he still loves me, but it’s just not working anymore. Maybe we’ll find our way back to each other.”
“Dev, I’m sorry. That... it sucks to be left by someone who loves you.” He didn’t quite understand where the words came from but she nodded.
“Yeah and thanks, Sam. How’s your life been? Considering it’s been two months since we saw each other last.”
His apartment building came into view. “Two months? I don’t remember seeing you then. Uh sorry, just-“
“I didn’t think you would. You weren’t exactly in the... best state of mind.” She pulled the car into park.
“Do you wanna come up and have some tea before you drive home?” Sam offered and the words felt foreign on his tongue. When was the last time he had asked someone to come round?
“Sure.”
You could break my bones and watch me bleed
I would do it all again
Luckily, their apartment had a single tea bag left so Sam was able to make some tea for Devyn.
“Just don’t be too loud, I don’t wanna wake Colby.” Devyn frowned at his words but Sam didn’t let himself dwell on the thought. “So back to our conversation in the car.” Sam pulled out one of the stools and sat himself down. “Life’s been okay. But I haven’t been able to spend some quality time with Colby as of late.”
“Sam.” Her hand came to rest on his left wrist as she stood on the other side of the island bench. “Do you remember the last video you posted on your duo channel?” Sam paused for a moment, the question coming out of the blue.
“No, I don’t.” He tilted his head, confusion as to why flooding his mind.
“Your fans are worried about you.”
“Why? I’ve only missed a week of filming.”
“Oh Sam.” As Devyn reached across the bench to give him a hug, she knocked down all of the letters. “Oh my gosh, sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
Sam moved around the bench to see Devyn hovering over one particular parcel, it was quite a bit fatter than a letter but about the same length. He didn’t remember getting that one, so it must have been the first letter and therefore was left at the bottom of the pile. She seemed to stare at the writing on the envelope for a while before finally meeting his gaze. She lifted the parcel and handed it to him.
“You should open this one, now. I need to go anyway. But promise me you’ll open it.” Sam could only nod as she hurriedly cleaned up the other letters, grabbed her bag and disappeared out of the front door.
I could hear it in the way you speak
That you’re reaching out as much as me
Sam locked the door and turned back to the empty apartment. He wanted to go, lie down and cuddle with Colby, but something told him to open the parcel, to honour his promise with the only person who would talk to him after tonight.
Sam,
I understand what you’re going through. Living in that apartment with inescapable memories, they hurt so much but you can’t bear to clear them away. I want you to know that you always have a home with us, we’ve considered you a son long before the two of you actually announced that you were dating. I cannot quite put my thoughts into words, but we love you Sam, as much as your own parents do. And we want to thank you for being everything our son needed and wanted. He was never happier than when he was with you, which I’m sure you know.
While we were clearing out his room, we found old photos of the two of you, which I’ve included for you, don’t worry I made copies. We also found letters that he wrote to you every Christmas but never had the courage to give them to you. We know Colby would want you to have them.
Love, Lesa.
Sam felt tears streaming down his cheeks as the letter made him finally come to terms with what had happened. It forced the memories into his head, the little voice growing louder. Colby had left the apartment one morning and never came back. By the afternoon, Sam had called everyone in his contacts trying to find Colby as he couldn’t shake the bad feeling that had formed in his heart. The hospital phone call had come minutes later.
“Cole Brock was a casualty of a shooting at a local cafe. I’m very sorry for your loss.”
Sam remembered crying until he couldn’t cry anymore. He didn’t even get to say goodbye. He remembered shutting his friends out, not wanting to see anyone except for his Colby. He barely remembered the funeral two months ago, as his mind had retreated long before then.
His eyes landed on the Ouija board that he had stashed underneath one of the cushions on his couch. He had tried every night to contact Colby, but even when he was talking with a spirit, he could never be one hundred percent sure that it was in fact his lost lover.
That you’re searching for your way out
And you’re dying just to live
Sam’s fingers shook as he struggled to unfold the first letter in the pile that Colby’s mother had sent him. He couldn’t dwell on the past, not when there were unspoken words from Colbs to him.
24th December 2018
Dear Sam,
Merry Christmas, my love. I am so happy to spending another Christmas with you because you have always made me smile the brightest and I hope I do the same for you. I‘m looking forward to moving into our new apartment together, our first (as a couple), because the other two don’t count, we were two shy boys back then. Don’t get me wrong, I’m going to miss the Traphouse but I’m going to love the extra privacy we’re going to have now, wink wink.
I could already tell that next year is going to be big. For us and our channel. I think it might be time to make that big change in our content like we’ve been talking about. Onward and Upward, you know. But whatever we face next year, I know we’ll get through it and find the positives because we have each other.
I don’t know if this year I’m finally going to give you all of my letters or even this one. But I know one day you’ll read these and I’ll be smiling ear to ear because you’ll be overwhelmed by how much love I have for you. Sam, whatever happens, just know that we’ve always got each other and we will always find one another. No matter what.
Love, Colby.
Xxx
And I don’t know why
But I’m mesmerised by your broken eyes
Letter after letter brought even more tears until there was an ocean in his apartment. This was the last thing, the last words he’ll ever have from Colby. His other half, his lover, his best friend, his soulmate. Sam moved over to the couch, eyes glancing over the smashed photo frame from earlier. There was a shard with a spider web of cracks over the piece of glass that still covered Colby’s face. His broken eyes.
The Ouija board was still there and Sam itched to play it. The temptation to deny this feeling of grief, the temptation to potentially talk to Colby regardless of his own safety was pulling at him. Sam grabbed the board, feeling the energy rush through him. He was that much closer to Colby.
We’ve got this road
And we both know where it’s bound to go
“No, Sam.” A voice whispered on the wind and more water pricked at his eyes. His heart knew the voice before his ears did. Sam nodded as he stood up, knowing what he had to do. It wasn’t any harder than losing the one he loved. The Ouija board was still in his grasp as he moved to the balcony. He pushed open the doors and flung the board over the railings. Sam dashed back inside before he could see where it landed it.
“Thank you, Sam.”
“I love you, Colby.” Sam didn’t receive a response, but he didn’t need verbal communication. He knew in his heart that Colby would always love him.
And all I see is you next to me
A ghost of your tangled up in my sheets
Once he had finished reading all of the letters, Sam had pulled up their YouTube channel on the television. Sam felt tears pool in his eyes as he stared at the video title and thumbnail of the last video posted. Everything came flooding back; memories and flashes of the day he filmed it, the time he had spent cutting out the incomprehensible cries. But the thing that haunted him most was that his eyes looked exactly like Colby’s in the photo. Broken.
It weighs me down to this ocean floor
I know I’ll drown yet I’m begging for me
‘Colby’s gone’
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Xplrgirl_17 : Colby will always be in our hearts. He has changed so many people and has left the world better than the way he found it. We are all so sorry for your loss, Sam. But we are all still here for you. We won’t give up on you as long as you don’t give up on us. Colby may have left, but he’s still in your heart and he’s trusting you to continue the journey the both of you started together, because he knows you will. We love Colby, but we also love you too Sam. Never forget that.
I don’t know why
I’m mesmerised
I can’t complain