Chapter Text
December 24, 1948
“So how much further until we get to this mysterious place?”
Peggy smiled. Her husband’s tone was endearingly eager as he peered out the passenger window of their car.
“We’re about 10 miles out. But we’ll have to get off 50 in a bit, so it’ll be slower on the back roads. You’re going to love it, Steve.”
“It’s my first Christmas with you. Of course I will.”
Peggy glanced away from the road and met his gaze. Steve could always do that: turn a conversation around on a dime and say something that took her breath away.
“Darling, when you say things like that it makes me rather want to kiss you and that’s a bit inconvenient as it’s begun snowing again and I need to focus. This car is absolute bollocks in poor weather.”
Steve chuckled. “Ok, then tell me where we’re going, Assistant Director Carter.”
Peggy rolled her eyes. There was no end to Steve’s amusement in privately calling her “Assistant Director Carter,” as he now did during SHIELD meetings. It was perhaps his one fault.
“That again! If you must be formal, I rather like the sound of Mrs. Rogers, you know.”
“Oh I like it too, believe me.” Steve shifted a little closer and leaned his head on one hand while looking up at her through his eyelashes.
Peggy shook her head. He was incorrigible. And it was particularly problematic right now. Steve was wearing a white fisherman sweater that hugged his frame in a way that almost made her angry. Peggy insisted on driving so as to maintain some self control.
“Alright, you. The cabin is on Mt. Weather in the Blue Ridge. It’s just lovely. I visited it during the war with the SSR when we were surveying locations for Project Rebirth. Mt. Weather was ultimately used for civilian operations instead. I always wanted to go back there and this may be our last chance to visit just the two of us. The government will soon break ground and build…”
Steve sat up excitedly.
“They’ll build Area B! Congress was evacuated there during the Battle of New York. Peggy, I’ve been inside that mountain.”
Peggy looked at him in wonder. “Well, this holiday we’re going to be ON the mountain. Just you & me for miles.”
“I can’t think of anything better.”
Peggy reached over with one hand and touched his cheek. “Let’s get into the spirit, shall we? Would you put on the radio, darling?”
“Sure thing. Oh weird.” Steve’s brow furrowed as he turned the dial past the news. “I’m going to have to wait for so many Christmas songs to come out.”
“Oh that is strange! Any one in particular that I should look forward to?”
“You’ll have to wait awhile but a gal named Mariah is going to knock your socks off one day.” Peggy enjoyed these glimpses into the future but she also had no earthly idea what he was talking about.
Steve turned the dial until Peggy blurted “Ooh stop there! I love this new Sinatra.”
Steve shook his head in disbelief. “New? I spent 13 years catching up on pop culture and now Sinatra is ‘new’.”
“It’s new to me! I simply adore his ‘White Christmas.’ Have you heard it? I didn’t have a chance to buy the record yet”
Steve gasped. “Peggy, how can you say that?”
“You don’t like ‘White Christmas’? Steve, it’s Christmas Eve and it’s snowing. What could be more perfect?”
“I love ‘White Christmas’! But only by Bing. I still remember hearing it for the first time when he sang it on the radio. This? This is a cover.”
Peggy wrinkled her nose. “Well, I prefer Frank. His voice is like velvet. And I’ve got a thing for blue eyes anyway.” She smirked as Steve looked down bashfully in response.
“Alright, I'll leave it on for you. But just know that I think it’s an abomination.”
“Noted. Rest assured I brought the portable record player and your precious Mr. Crosby.”
“You, me, and Bing. Best Christmas ever.”
Peggy laughed and then took his hand in hers and placed it on her lap as she turned off Route 50. The afternoon light was waning. They drove in contented silence but for the radio as the Blue Ridge mountains rose in the distance. Their white sloping curves were pierced only by the charcoal outline of bare trees that jutted into the sky.
“It’s beautiful up here, Peggy. Thank you for planning this.”
“It’s been quite a few months, hasn’t it? We’ve spent so much time sorting out what needs to be done and then actually doing it, that I thought we finally deserved a proper honeymoon. I instructed Howard not to bother us even if Hydra shows up on his doorstep.”
“Well, Hydra isn’t going to show up on his doorstep in ‘48. One benefit of having me around is that your foresight is 20/20.”
“Oh I can think of a few more.”
Steve smiled and squeezed her hand. Then she said, “Make the miles go faster. Tell me a story.”
Tell me a story. It was the way that they filled each other in on what they had missed each day. Plus, Steve had about thirteen years worth of stories to share with her.
“Did I ever tell you about the time Sam and I were in Germany and ….”
Steve trailed off as a new song came on the radio.
“I’ll be home for Christmas…”
“There you are! Bing, just as you commanded.”
Steve pulled his hand back and ran it through his hair. Then he answered softly, “Yeah, sure is.” He leaned back into the seat and closed his eyes.
Peggy glanced over in concern and then forced her eyes back on the road. She waited for a few moments but when he remained silent, she asked, “Darling, are you alright?”
His blue eyes opened and looked out the window.
“Yeah … I — I haven’t heard that since being back. Just a lot of memories.”
He turned back to look at her. “Do you mind if I change it?”
“Of course not.” She squeezed his leg and he smiled at her. The gesture did not quite reach his eyes. Steve had been through so much that occasionally he had moments like this. He usually wore his heart on his sleeve, but some wounds ran deeper than others. She knew by now that Steve would talk when he was ready.
The snow was at least a foot deep as they wound their way up the mountain. A white Christmas with the person she loved most in this world. Sometimes Peggy wondered how the universe had deemed them worthy of such happiness.
They had been married for five months. Five intense, deliriously happy months. A few days after Steve returned, they had told Howard and Jarvis. That was the first and only time she had seen Howard cry. A trusted judge married them at the end of June at their home. Jarvis gave her away and Howard served as best man. Steve politely declined Howard’s enthusiastic offer to throw a bachelor party.
A trusted, select group at the fledgling SHIELD headquarters knew that Steve Rogers was alive, but the world at large did not. Yet. He was older than Captain America was supposed to be had he lived and so it had proven easier than expected to live under an alias in DC. No one expected to see a resurrected superhero at the market buying produce or reading the Sunday paper at the corner cafe. But Peggy knew that they couldn’t depend on that forever.
Despite the dramatic circumstances of their reunion, there was a wonderful comfort and ease between them. Their happiness was tempered only by the occasional spirited debate. Disputes were loud and fiery; apologies swift and passionate. Sometimes Steve would be overcome with emotion at their good fortune while washing the dishes. Peggy would occasionally shed joyful tears while straightening his tie. It was a partnership that was real and complete.
And yet, in a different way, time was still her enemy. As determined as Peggy was to cherish having Steve back, the fact remained that a great many people depended on her. And while he may have hung up his shield, Steve Rogers was not the kind of man who would ever sit by so long as there was evil in the world. Everything had changed and yet some things never would.
So, there had been no time for a honeymoon. First on their list was the rescue of Bucky Barnes. Steve, of course, insisted on going. Peggy had reveled in seeing Steve reunited with his beloved Howling Commandos as they rescued yet another brother back from the dead. But during their assault on the compound where Bucky was being held, Peggy was nearly paralyzed with fear for Steve. That had never happened to her before. Something about finding happiness after heartache made the knowledge of its fragility all the more acute.
After, the daunting task of thwarting Hydra’s infiltration had fallen onto their shoulders. She, Howard, and Steve spent day after day running through various scenarios — what was a priority? When should they intercede? What if they pulled at a thread and caused more harm than good in the future? Steve’s detailed knowledge of Hydra’s operations and plans gave SHIELD an invaluable upper hand. However, his acquired foresight could not predict what would happen after they acted. Peggy was still responsible for planning ops and deciding what to do and when.
These responsibilities left far less time to be with one another than she liked. Who could be more aware of how precious time is than the two of us, she marveled. And yet, there was always something. And so Peggy had carved out this holiday for them on an isolated mountain on secure, government property in the hopes of having her husband all to herself without interruption.
“Oh there we go! ‘Let it Snow’! My favorite.” Peggy could tell that Steve was trying to put whatever he had been thinking about behind him and so she went along.
“Any more snow and we’re going to be spending Christmas Eve in this car.”
“Nah, a little bit of snow can’t stop Peggy Carter.” He looked at her with an admiration that made her cheeks burn. God it feels good to be respected. And not called Assistant Director.
“Quite right.” Peggy nodded. Then her eyes spied a familiar landmark. “There’s the access road. Almost there, darling!”
Peggy turned onto the gravel drive and Steve turned off the radio. The cabin soon came into view in the remaining light. It was roughly hewn but charming with green trim. She shifted the gear into park and Steve turned to her and grinned. He leapt out of his side and strode briskly to the overlook. Peggy walked around the front of the car and leaned against it. She folded her arms as she watched Steve take in the view. The Shenandoah Valley stretched out before them, pristine and still. Silence enveloped them.
After a moment, Steve looked up at the snow covered trees and said, “So strange that this is all going to be a huge government facility someday. All of this will be gone and there will be a mile high fence. So much will be different.”
Then Steve turned to look at Peggy.
All of a sudden, a feeling of panic hit her like a tidal wave. It was all so terribly familiar; the darkening sky, a mountain, the car, the snow falling. Peggy’s mind flashed to the last time she had seen his face in such a setting and was startled to find herself overcome with emotion. Her throat closed up and tears pricked her eyes. She looked down and inhaled sharply, desperately trying to get a hold of herself.
Then Peggy heard Steve’s feet briskly crunch across the snow toward her. His hand slid along the side of her face and he dipped down to meet her gaze
“Hey. Peggy -- are you ok? What’s wrong?”
“Oh I’m just being silly.” She looked up, trying to blink the tears back into her eyes.
“It’s never silly.” Steve stood, waiting.
“Oh goodness, I don’t know what came over me. I was just standing by the car and you were over there… and the snow…the mountain. It just reminded me of…
Steve nodded. “The last time we saw each other.”
“Yes. You see, that was only three years ago for me. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to...”
Steve’s face grew fierce.
“Stop. There’s nothing to be sorry about. Sometimes it just hits me like that too. And I can’t explain why it does one day but not the next. No one can. But I do know that this happens to people like us after a war. In the future, we’ll do a better job of talking about that--Sam taught me a lot.”
Peggy nodded silently.
Steve remained unsatisfied. He grabbed her hand and said slowly and firmly, “Peggy, I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere.”
“I know, I know but …. I took us to a future fortress inside of a mountain! Like Hydra Headquarters! Bloody hell. I just wanted to get away from everything. Why didn’t it occur to me before?”
“I swear I didn’t even think of that until you just said it. That was 13 years ago, Peggy— for me. This place, even in the future, has only happy memories. I was training with my friends. But more importantly, I am here with you now. Look around, it’s beautiful. That’s why you brought us here.”
Peggy looked out on the valley as the sun disappeared behind the horizon. The snow seemed more lavender than white in the twilight. It was different than the rich blues and greens of her last visit, but its stark beauty was still bewitching. The falling snow was mesmerizing as it fell down around them. She took a deep breath and relaxed her shoulders as the cold air cleansed her lungs. Steve’s hand was warm and strong around her own. I will shake this off. He’s right here.
Peggy exhaled slowly and nodded. “It is. It’s beautiful.”
Steve’s furrowed look of concern melted into a warm smile. She brushed the snow out of his hair, which had fallen across his forehead just as she liked it.
He squeezed her hand. “This is perfect. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” And then, feeling more at ease, Peggy joked, “It’s Howard’s fault really. I bloody well had to drive you up a mountain to get some peace from him!” She stood up on her toes and kissed him quickly to assure Steve all was fine. “Right, let’s unload and get inside. I’m freezing!”
“You go ahead in. I’ll bring in our suitcases and the box of supplies.”
Peggy unlocked the door and placed the keys on the table directly to her right and turned on the gas lamp. It was just as she remembered: a room with a fireplace, a couch, and a small kitchen off to the side. She walked across the cabin and peered into the bedroom to confirm that there were sheets on the bed. The cabin was ship shape and she nodded in approval.
Soon, Steve was behind her. She felt his arms encircle her waist. “I love it,” he whispered, “Let's never leave.”
She gripped his arm tightly and leaned back against his chest.
“Oh my darling, how I wish. But oh dear — I suppose it’s not very festive.”
“Ah, that’s where you’re wrong, Assistant Director Carter. I came prepared.”
“Steve, crickey, drop the Assistant Director!”
“I’m proud of you! Plus, come on, it’s a little bit funny to me. You’ll be the director before long. Anyway, check out what I brought.”
Peggy spun around to find a Christmas tree no taller than two feet on the ground next to their suitcases.
“Oh! It’s darling!”
“I couldn’t resist. I walked by Eastern Market on my way out, saw this little guy, and figured he could use a home on Christmas Eve. It was his last chance! The seller even threw in a string of lights because he felt bad charging me for such a small tree.”
She laughed. Of course he picked the puny tree everyone overlooked.
“A proper tree and everything. You be Father Christmas and I’ll organize our supplies for dinner. I’m starved and dying for a drink!”
Peggy unpacked the box of groceries and Steve busied himself with stringing lights on the tree. She stopped for a moment and watched him from across the room. Most days she had grown blissfully accustomed to his presence; doing ordinary things, side by side, like everyone else in the world. But tonight felt different. There hadn’t been a Christmas since the war that Peggy hadn’t been hit hard by the loss of Steve. And now he was here, brow furrowed as he meticulously strung multicolored lights around the tiniest Christmas tree she had ever seen. It was adorable. And it was also a miracle.
Peggy’s revery was interrupted by her own shivering. She rubbed her arms as she walked over to the fireplace —- only to find that there was no wood. “Bloody hell, there’s no firewood for the fireplace or the wood stove.”
“So unhelpful. Lucky for you, I happen to be excellent at chopping wood.”
Peggy laughed. “Oh really? You spent much of your time in Brooklyn or with the Avengers chopping wood, did you?”
Steve smirked but then a sad look passed over his face for a moment. “You’d be surprised. I’ll go check outside.”
“Steve, what if they didn’t leave an axe? I was so busy I didn’t think to bring one. Oh dear, and there won’t be a general store open until the day after tomorrow.”
Steve grinned broadly. “I don’t need an axe, Peggy.”
Her mouth dropped as Steve raised his eyebrow and strode back outside. This I have to see.
They circled the house until they found an open shed mercifully stocked with wood the width of a tree trunk. With his back to her, Steve picked up one large log. Then he ripped it in half with his bare hands. Peggy felt her knees go weak even as laughter escaped her lips.
He turned around and grinned.
“Ha! Well that’s one way to chop wood. You’ve been dying to show me that, admit it.”
“Absolutely. And we’re just getting started.”
She swallowed. “Is that right?”
Steve ripped another log in half.
“That’s right.”
As tempting as he looked in that white sweater breaking wood apart with his bare hands, a mischievous idea inexplicably popped into her head. And once it was there, Peggy had no recourse but to follow through.
She took one step forward.
“I am impressed with your display of strength. But I think you’ll find that strength won’t always lead to the upper hand.”
“Undoubtedly. But lucky for me I enjoy it when you have the upper —-“
A snowball landed squarely in his face.
Steve wiped the snow away from his eyes and blinked hard in shock. For a moment, Peggy regretted her surprise offensive. But then he threw his head back while clutching his chest and roared with a kind of laughter that she had never heard before. She joined in, relieved, until Steve squared his shoulders and looked at her very seriously.
“Oh Peggy, you are going to regret that.”
Before she knew what was happening, Peggy took three snowballs to the chest and legs and screeched as she ran away from his counter attack. Steve quickly followed but she managed to swipe the roof of the shed so that he ran straight into a wall of airborne snow. “Ahhh! Peggy!”
Her laughter rang throughout the woods as she ran from her reckoning. Peggy glanced over her shoulder at a snow covered Steve who was pursuing her with mock determination. He was too damn fast. Three more yards and she suddenly felt his arm hook around her waist as he brought them both down onto the ground.
Peggy barely registered the shock of the cold because she was laughing so hard. It was the kind of laughter that made her stomach ache.
Steve looked down at her, his eyes twinkling with mirth. “Wow. I did not see that coming.”
“Well, I am a spy. It was just too good an opportunity.” Peggy kissed him in silent apology.
Steve murmured his forgiveness and then immediately deepened the kiss. Peggy felt his hand slide up her thigh and under her skirt. She could care less that they were in a foot of snow at the moment. Her body tingled with anticipation.
Steve pulled his mouth away as his hand slipped under her garter and splayed across her thigh. He held her gaze as he whispered, “I understand completely. But now, Mrs. Rogers, I’m going to make you pay…”
Her breath hitched. Of course he called me that now. The narrow space between their faces was charged. Peggy had a feeling that she was going to enjoy his retribution.
Steve blinked first. “But oh my gosh I’m freezing!”
Peggy threw her head back and laughed. “Agh, I’m so cold! And my clothes are sopping wet.”
Steve stood up and pulled Peggy to her feet. He looked her up and down and then a sly smile spread across his face. “Well then, let’s get you out of them.”
He grabbed her hand and strode quickly toward the house, scooping up an armful of firewood along the way. Peggy almost had to run to keep up with him.
Once they were through the door, Steve dropped the firewood with a loud clatter and immediately turned to slide his hand around the back of her head. Steve drew her in to meet his lips. His kiss was greedy and determined. Peggy soon forgot that she couldn’t feel her fingers and toes as he backed her against the wall.
Peggy slid her hands into his hair to pull him closer. He was warm and made her feel dizzy. She wanted to feel him against her. Instead, Steve pulled away and placed one hand against the wall next to her head. Peggy felt her heart pounding as he began to trace the line of her jaw with the other. His eyes followed his fingers as they slowly moved down her neck. They stopped at her collarbone and then Steve’s eyes returned to hers. “As I was saying, you know that I can’t leave that unanswered.”
Peggy thrilled at the suspension of time between them. Then, suddenly, Steve spun her around so that she was facing the wall and swiftly unzipped her dress. It fell down to her ankles. Before she could wonder what would happen next, she felt his warm, naked body pressing against her. Peggy Carter had never been more appreciative of Steve’s agility than in that moment. The heat of his body was as welcomed as the pleasure she anticipated would follow.
Steve’s hand moved around her waist and down her stomach until it slid beneath her underwear. His fingers began to draw gentle circles. She tingled in response. Then he slowly parted her and expanded his movements. His touch was teasing and slow, deliberately giving and then withholding pleasure. Steve’s other hand lightly grazed her neck as he moved her hair to one side. Every touch left her wanting more. He kissed her just below her ear and began to trail down her neck slowly; his mouth echoing the pace of the agonizing circles below. It was sensual, but measured. He was firmly in control.
Peggy closed her eyes and rested her forehead against the wall, her hands attempting to grip the roughly hewn wood of the cabin. She felt the stress in her body ease away. Her hips sought more pressure, trapping his hand against the wall. Yet despite their silent plea, Peggy remained at Steve’s mercy. Instead, his other hand reached up to cup her breast underneath her bra. Something about the constraint of the bra heightened his touch in that moment. She yearned for her breasts to be free and yet reveled in the feeling of his hand straining against the fabric.
The push and pull between seeking a release and relishing the attention Steve was lavishing on her body soon reached a tipping point. Peggy slid her hand down his arm and closed her hand down over his to force him against her where she needed it most. But it was to no avail. He would not alter his course. “Bloody hell, Steve. Please.” Steve chuckled softly, his breath warm against her. Rather than oblige, he answered by running his tongue tantalizingly along her neck.
Well, two can play at this game. Peggy leaned her body back so that she pressed against him. His hard length was trapped against the smooth curve of her backside. The pace of Steve’s hand stuttered between her legs. I know what you want. Peggy moved so that she slowly slid up and down against him. A small groan escaped Steve’s lips and she smiled to herself in victory.
Steve’s hands suddenly moved to her hips and he turned Peggy to face him. He kissed her fiercely, his tongue parting her lips and demanding a response. She grabbed the back of his neck and met his demand with equal intensity. Then, Steve pulled down her undergarments and lifted her up onto the table. Peggy gasped, eyes wide. She watched, motionless, as he dropped to his knees and spread her legs wide before him. There was Steve Rogers, on his knees before her, with a determined look on his face. Instead of feeling exposed, she felt powerful and wanted. Peggy swallowed hard, clenching in anticipation. He began to kiss his way along one of her inner thighs as his hands slid underneath. And then he tilted her up and his mouth close down on her.
The contact, warm and wet, sent a shock through her body. Peggy threw her head back as soon as she felt his tongue move. Yes, this was what she needed. Her hands moved into his hair, pulling him more firmly against her. Then she arched her back and grabbed desperately at the sides of the table in search of an anchor.
There was no more teasing. Steve relentlessly met the pace of her hips. His hands pressed into her thighs, holding her in place as she began to shake. Peggy rocked against his lips with abandon, riding the waves of pleasure for as long as she could. She fought between wanting release and savoring the way he made her feel. Then, finally, Peggy gave herself up to him. A plunging shudder overtook her body and left her slumped against the wall, breathless.
Peggy heard Steve stand up and she opened her eyes as he gently moved her hair off of her face.
“I should throw snowballs at you more often.”
He laughed softly. Peggy sat up and pulled him close so that his thighs were resting against the table between her legs. Then she whispered, “I’m just saying ... if that was meant to be a deterrent, you might need to rethink your strategy.”
“Yeah I guess … I guess you … have a point there.” Peggy could tell that Steve was trying very hard to focus on talking. But his body betrayed him. My turn.
Peggy slid one strap of her bra down over her shoulder, slowly; then another. Steve watched, mesmerized. Then she unhooked her bra and wrapped her legs around him.
“You’re so beautiful,” he breathed.
“Well, I’ve been waiting to get you out of that sweater all day, Steve. God it was killing me the whole ride up.”
He smiled shyly. “Well, it’s off now...”
Peggy ran her hands up his stomach and chest in response. Then she lifted her head up to meet his lips and pulled him into a deep kiss. She felt dreamy and almost light headed in the wake of her climax. But Steve’s kiss was hungry. She could feel his want as his hands closed over her bare breasts. It cut through the haze and she felt her body responding to him anew. She arched into his touch, spurring him to press harder, more roughly. Peggy then wrapped her hands around his backside and drew him in close. He groaned into their kiss as his desire for her rubbed against her stomach. Peggy ached to have him inside of her.
“Oh thank god,” he exhaled as she wrapped her hand around his length and guided him to her entrance. At that moment, Steve’s prior discipline fell apart. His hands reached under her to pull her closer. Then Steve snapped his hips with such force as he plunged inside of her that the table slammed against the wall. Peggy gasped and grabbed onto his shoulders. His lack of control was intoxicating; he wanted her that badly. Steve’s thrusts were powerful and demanding but she, all of sudden, became nearly as desperate. She slid her hands back down to Steve’s backside, spurring him on; daring him to drive into her even harder. The table banged loudly against the wall and she could feel it shaking beneath them.
Then she heard a cracking sound.
Suddenly Peggy was falling. Steve’s arms caught her as the table gave way and together they slammed against the wall. He stared at her a moment in shock, but then his eyes darkened. Steve grasped under each of her legs and wrapped them around his waist with authority. He held her there for a moment, face to face, against the wall. His eyes were hooded with want and his jaw clenched.
“Come back to me,” Peggy whispered and then kissed him desperately as she guided him back inside of her. She felt him shudder against her. Then Steve placed one hand flat against the wall while his other arm seemed to, effortlessly, hold her there as he moved his hips against her. This display of strength made Peggy want him even more. She cried out as he thrust into her, thrilling at the abandon with which he was moving inside of her. It had taken time for him to accept that his full strength was not too much for her. Peggy reveled in bringing this side of him out. As he drove into her, she marveled at the muscles working under her hands as she held onto his back for dear life.
With each thrust, Peggy felt the wall against her back. It was her north star. She had no idea where his body began and hers ended. Her breasts slid up and down his chest, the sweat from their bodies heightening the sensation. Steve felt so strong -- inside of her, against her, around her--that she could focus on nothing else. There was only him, her, and the way he was making her feel.
Peggy dug her fingers into his back as she greedily chased her end before he reached his. When his hips began to stutter, she plunged first into the abyss. Then the force of his climax began to shake them both. She felt drunk watching the effect that their lovemaking was having on him. A final wave of pleasure flooded her senses as words tumbled out of Steve’s mouth against her ear. “Always Peggy, always, always…” Then he collapsed against her.
They remained in silence like that against the wall, chests heaving as they recovered. Then Steve kissed the top of her head and placed her carefully back on the ground. He looked ruefully around them.
“Well Mrs. Rogers, I believe we broke the table.”
Peggy looked down at what remained of the table on the floor and burst out laughing. Steve leaned with one hand against the wall and hung his head. He shook it incredulously.
“Well that’s a first, darling. Well done, us. Though I suppose we should’ve done this earlier since we needed firewood anyway.”
“Ha! I’ll deal with this after we grab some dry clothes.”
Peggy turned her face into a pout. “I quite like you as you are, husband.”
“You are something. Come here you.” Steve kissed her gently on the lips, holding her face in his hands as if she were the most precious thing in the world. Then he pulled away and gave her an amused look, “Okay, but what about at least pajamas?”
“Only if I can wear yours too.”
“Deal. Then I’ll clean up this mess and start a fire. Why don’t you grab some wine. It may not do much for me, but I think you could use a glass after this week.”
“Indeed.”
After a few moments, Peggy retrieved a set of pajamas from their luggage and donned his plaid flannel top. She casually threw the pants at Steve as she sauntered back to the kitchen area.
“Hey, these are only the pants!”
Peggy raised an eyebrow and popped the collar of his top. “You technically agreed.”
Steve grinned. “Looks better on you anyway.”
He pulled the pants on and shoved a hand through his hair as he flopped on the couch in front of the fire. She handed him a glass of wine and a plate of cheese and crackers for the coffee table before taking a seat next to him. Steve wrapped a blanket around his shoulders and leaned against her.
Peggy sighed happily. “This. This is all I wanted all month.”
“Agreed. Oh wait! I have a surprise for you!”
Steve jogged over to the bedroom and came back with large square package wrapped in brown paper.
Peggy made a small sound of delight. “Ooh, presents already?”
“Technically no. It’s Christmas Eve, Peggy. That would be cheating. But I did pick up a little something for tonight.” He handed her the package with a small smile.
Peggy tore it open. Frank Sinatra’s face was imposed on a red Christmas ornament and staring back at her. She gasped.
“But...but … in the car!”
Steve laughed. “I wanted it to be a surprise. I heard you talking about it to Jarvis, so I picked up the album this morning. Bing is still better but I love you so, fine. Frank can sing ‘White Christmas’ too this weekend. Again.”
Peggy hugged the record to her chest.
“Here, let me put it on.” As Steve walked over to the record player, he shook his head. “You know it really is strange. I played catch up with the world for so long — movies, music, tv— and now new songs are the classics where I’ve been.” The opening notes of “Silent Night” came on as Steve sat back down.
“You’re a Cassandra of culture, darling.” Peggy kissed his cheek and curled her arm around his. “Thank you Steve, I love it.”
The music’s solemnity made Peggy thoughtful. She grabbed a cracker and nibbled. “Steve, what else is strange?”
“Hmm?”
“Tell me about what went through your head when ‘I’ll Be Home For Christmas’ came on.”
“Oh. That.”
Steve closed his eyes for a moment. The fire crackled. Peggy watched it consume a log as she patiently awaited his response.
“I first heard that song in ‘43, about a month after we rescued the 107th. It was Christmas Eve. I remember sitting around with all the boys, celebrating, you know, as much as we could. It came on while they were drinking and playing cards. I remember it got real quiet. I think for most people, that song spoke to what was in their hearts: wishing they were home...wondering if they ever would be again”
“What about you?”
Steve turned his body to face her.
“I guess for me, I mean, in some ways, it was sad. All of these people missing their families. But I didn’t have anyone waiting at home. My folks were gone. I had Bucky, I had the Howling Commandos, and I had you. That was home, for me.”
“We are your home, Steve.” Peggy took his hand and squeezed it. Steve nodded and then looked past her toward the fire.
“Do you remember Christmas in ‘44, Peggy?”
“Of course. We all ate in that pub and Dugan got too drunk. You all carried him home while singing Good King Wenceslas. It was quite a sight.”
Steve laughed. “Right. That was fourteen years ago for me, Peggy. It was four years ago for all of you.” Steve shook his head. “ That’s strange.”
Peggy nodded. It would never not be.
“There’s something I never told you about that night after the pub. All the guys had plenty to drink and they started giving me a hard time about you. They all knew. Heck, the whole world knew.”
Peggy smiled. “Well, I was certainly getting comments from Phillips as well.”
“Ha, well he’s a bit more discrete. Bucky and Morita were like, why are you gonna wait until the war’s over? That’s stupid, we could die tomorrow. Go ask her to dance right now. Then that song came on and I thought, hey maybe it’s a sign. So I walked over to your quarters.”
Peggy leaned in, eyes wide. “Did you really?”
Steve, “Yep, right up to your door. Almost even knocked. Then I totally chickened out. And you know what? It turned out that they were right. By the next Christmas, I basically was dead.”
“Oh Steve. I —- I know. I tortured myself over why I never said anything until the end.”
“I spent the next 14 years kicking myself. You just never know do you, Peggy? But then … when I was in the future, I remember the first Christmas I spent in New York. It was, technically, my home. But it sure didn’t feel that way. I didn’t really know anyone. I would just sit in my apartment, stare at your phone number, ride the subway, draw alone at a cafe or hit a punching bag. I was, in a way, home -- but all of my people were gone. Everything was different.”
Peggy felt a pinch in her heart. His former loneliness was palpable even now.
“I remember walking into a pharmacy and hearing Bing sing “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” over the speaker. Everyone around me was just going about their day. No big deal. They had no idea what that song meant to us back in the war. It was just background noise. It was one of the loneliest moments of my life. I just wanted to get back home.”
Peggy’s eyes filled with tears.
“So I spent that Christmas alone in my apartment, listening to that song over and over and looking at your picture.” His eyes were filled with emotion.
“Oh my darling.” She squeezed his hand.
“But you know what I thought about next in the car today, Peggy? There I was with the woman I loved on Christmas — because I finally went for it like the guys told me to so long ago. But what about Pepper and Morgan? Somewhere in the future they’re spending their first Christmas without Tony. And Clint is with his family but the only reason he can be is because of Natasha. I just felt so ...guilty. At being so happy knowing what this night must be like for them wherever they are. Why do I get this when Tony and Natasha are gone?”
There were tears on his cheeks now. Peggy gently took his face in her hands and wiped them away.
“I know my darling, I know. The holidays have a way of sometimes reminding us of when we were at our lowest -- something about the way they seem to mark the passing of each year. Or, happiness can feel cruel compared to others — as if we don’t deserve it. I feel that way too. I got a second chance to spend my life with the man I love more than anything ...because of time travel? Why? Why us? What about all our friends who didn’t come home from the war? Or my colleagues who died in the field? Why do we get a second chance and they don’t?”
Steve nodded, remaining silent.
“I don’t have an answer. I do wish that I could have known your friends. I’m so sorry for what happened to them. But that doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve to be happy, my darling. You fought so many wars, Steve - fifteen years of fighting, always saving others. If anyone deserves to be happy, to rest ….it’s you.”
“And you too, Peggy. Look at what you’ve overcome, what you have built -- not for yourself but to serve others.”
“Well then, I think that settles it. We deserve it.” Peggy ducked her head to catch his gaze and smiled in an attempt to lighten his spirits.
Steve gave her a small smile in return. She shifted and curled into his side, resting her head on his shoulder. Peggy laced her fingers through his. The bittersweet words of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” filled their silence.
Through the years we all will be together... if the fates allow.
“We’re so lucky, Peggy. We’re just so lucky.”
Peggy kissed his hand. “So lucky. Happy Christmas, my darling.”
“Merry Christmas, Peggy.”
“Now, tell me again about that time when you were hanging off the aircraft carrier in the sky with Tony. And when you took out all of those French pirates with Natasha. Tell me a story.”