all my friends are heathens, take it slow

by orphan_account

Summary:

It starts like this; everything sucks.

That’s kind of a standard, isn’t it? High school is fucking gross and irritating. People are bitchy and they smell disgusting, especially the ones who don’t shower for fucking weeks at a time. You are completely revolting, too, in a way - your hormones are going crazier than a train knocked off its rails. Guys and girls alike are out to get their dicks wet unless they’re ace or whatever the fuck, which usually leads to awful and even moreso annoying relationships. Everyone’s practically a sociopath and the best you can do is try to make it out with your dignity.

Notes:

ok guys, i’ve finally done it. i wrote a naruto fan fiction that is not really screwed up porn. this has pretty heavy language and slurs because these are a bunch of teenage fucks who think they’re edgy. warning aside, please enjoy my garbage.

Chapter 1: losers

It starts like this; everything sucks.

That’s kind of a standard, isn’t it? High school is fucking gross and irritating. People are bitchy and they smell disgusting, especially the ones who don’t shower for fucking weeks at a time. You are completely revolting, too, in a way - your hormones are going crazier than a train knocked off its rails. Guys and girls alike are out to get their dicks wet unless they’re ace or whatever the fuck, which usually leads to awful and even moreso annoying relationships. Everyone’s practically a sociopath and the best you can do is try to make it out with your dignity.

That is, if you even have any left by the time it’s over. Unless you’re porn-star hot and more popular than crumbs on the ground to an ant, you don’t stand a chance.

The other option is pretending to be a big bad; i.e. just kick someone’s ass once in a while and people will avoid you. This is what the weird emo posse called the Akatsuki tend to do, but most people are too pussy to even throw a punch.

And yeah, the whispers are heard. The Akatsuki are losers, dropouts, emo fags, freaks, the usual.

Nevertheless, they are friends somehow, despite the fact that they would all probably live a minutely more normal life without contact with each other. Unfortunately, they value their own personal whims over self-preservation.

It starts like this; Sasori hates his boyfriend.

 

—-

 

“Shut up - you’re gonna get us caught, you fucking—“

“You’re the one who wanted to do this so bad! Jesus fucking Christ, couldn’t pick a worse time, could you?”

“I have my... My bodily needs, un! Besides, I don’t see you saying no, jerk-!”

“That’s because you’re a whiny little bitch who would complain about it until someone else started beating the shit out of you - probably Hidan, that guy’s fucking got it out for you—“

Deidara rolls his eyes exaggeratedly, leaning against the shelves behind him.

He’s SO fucking annoying, Sasori thinks. They spend plenty of time together. He gets Deidara is one of those people who’ll hand their ass on a silver platter to anyone with a big dick, but he should at LEAST understand good timing.

Good timing is not a blowjob in the janitor’s closet when they should be in science class. Good timing is not being pressed uncomfortably close to each other with the intense stench of lemon-scented cleaning products in the atmosphere. Good timing is not having a fucking internal breakdown every time the clicking of shoes echoes down the goddamn hallway.

“Fuck you! Don’t you understand the, the, the human body?! You’re the one getting free head, so don’t start crying now, un,” the blonde snaps, dropping to his knees.

Sasori feels his small hands - black nail polish today on ‘em - reach out and undo the buttons of his jeans.

“Black ripped jeans? Could you be anymore emo—“

“You’re wearing black ripped jeans too, you fucking tard.”

Deidara shuts up. Not for long, but he’s still quiet, which means now all Sasori has to do is sit back and enjoy his boyfriend’s skills.

Maybe he does love him. Just a little bit, though, he’s not fucking gay or some bullshit like that.

 

—-

 

Where are Deidara and Sasori?

“Where are Deidara and Sasori?” Konan asks, glancing expectantly at Itachi.

“If memory serves me correctly, Deidara is giving him a blowjob in the janitor’s closet of hallway C,” the brunet replies blankly, his eyes intently focused on his worksheet.

He shouldn’t even be in this class. He’s way smarter than the rest of everyone here, probably.

Konan furrows her eyebrows, glaring at the door. As if somehow, her irritated expression will reach the pair of horny emo artists.

“Couldn’t pick a better time?” she groused, resting her heavy head in her left hand.

It feels like this class is lasting an eternity - their idiot teacher couldn’t even be bothered to actually fucking teach them, so he just put on some dumb-as-rocks bullshit movie about science. Not that it matters to Konan. She doesn’t care about this class, nor does she care about any of the rest of them, for that matter.

“Deidara is shit at timing,” Itachi mused, still speaking in a monotone voice. “If he wants dick, he’ll get it as soon as possible. Sasori can handle it.”

“Whatever,” she scoffed. “I really couldn’t care less if they’re skipping class, but they could at least be doing it for something better than fucking sloppy toppy.”

“That’s because you’re not a guy, bitch,” a rough voice interjects. It’s Hidan - he’s turned around from his seat in front of them. If he’s actually talking to them, pestering Kakuzu must be getting boring for him. Not that Hidan doesn’t like to blab day and night, it’s just that according to him, Konan and Itachi are “the most dull motherfuckers I’ve ever had to deal with”.

“What the fuck does that even mean?”

“Girls aren’t as horned-up and shit, so they don’t have to pull the crap Deidara and Sasori are doing. Blondie’s a total slut, so he needs that kinda stuff often, y’know?”

“You’re one to talk about being a slut, Hidan,” Itachi muttered, to which the gray-haired man furiously swirled his head around to face.

“Just because you get jack pussy doesn’t make me a manwhore, princess prissy-pants!” he sneered, glowering indignantly. Itachi did not look fazed in the slightest.

“You hit on everyone and everything. Including my younger brother.”

Hidan waved him off dismissively, snorting. “Yeah, so what? Sasuke is a hot piece of ass. But not the fucking point! I have very high standards, you edgy fuck!”

“Isn’t Sasuke that sophomore Deidara slept with?” Konan muttered.

“See? Exactly my point. Deidara’s a horny piece of shit, so I don’t see why I’m getting bullied for—“

“Mr. Hidan!” a voice interjected from across the room.

Their teacher. What a shocker - that lazy fuck finally got off his fat ass to pay attention to his class. At least he was doing something. Although Hidan looked about five words from pounding the shit out of him without caring about the consequences - something.

Hidan whirled around in his chair, face clearing sending off an expression of “What The Fuck Do You Want?”

The teacher sent the man a harsh glare. In the light of the projector, Konan noticed that the man’s balding forehead was shiny with the sheen of sweat. Nasty.

“No talking in class, understand me? You’ve already gotten 2 weeks of detention this year, so I suggest you don’t add to it!”

“Sure, whatever,” Hidan snapped, irritation rolling off of his in waves. Konan heard him mumble something about the teacher being a fat fuck with no prospects in life, but that wasn’t much of a surprise.

“That wasn’t much of a fight you put up,” Itachi murmured. There was a slightly audible humorous undertone in his voice; a mocking sound. “Perhaps you’ll become a star student yet. Don’t forget about us when you’re the president of the student council, Hidan.”

The sound of teeth clenching and fists balling was enough to signify his anger.

“What was that, you girly-looking fuck?! I could kick your ass, ya dick! Don’t fucking try me!” Hidan sneered, springing out of his desk to tower over Itachi. The other man did not seem affected by his outburst.

“Sit down, you idiot,” Kakuzu hissed from the desk next to Hidan’s, finally speaking up.

“Shut up, cocksucker! I do what I want! I—“

The familiar ring of pen scribbling on paper. A tearing noise, and the teacher was now brandishing a principal’s report.

“That’ll be two days of detention for inappropriate language and violent outbursts, Hidan. Count ‘em!”

 

—-

 

“You must be seriously mentally challenged, Hidan,” Tobi snapped.

The group had agreed to meet outside school once it had ended - luckily, Hidan had ducked away from the teachers and escaped detention yet again.

Normally, when the day was said and done, they’d all walk to Itachi’s house. He was a fucking rich kid or whatever the fuck, so he had good food and Netflix; plus, his family for some reason did not seem to mind a ragtag group of misfits invading their home. Not to mention he had the money to pay off any damages they caused.

(See: the ‘Deidara and Zetsu somehow fall through the floor into the first story’ incident. The ‘Obito and his boyfriend Kakashi have sex in Itachi’s mother’s closet’ incident. The ‘Hidan blows up the microwave because he tries to burn Kakuzu’s designer watch’ incident.)

It was a miracle they were even allowed within 50 feet of the Uchiha residence.

“Not my fault!” Hidan exclaimed, his tone of voice almost proud of violating school rules once again. What an idiot. “Itachi was the one who started it all, so go kick his ass now, yeah?”

Tony violently kicks Hidan in the shin before turning around and walking silently down the sidewalk.

“Where’s your boyfriend, un?” Deidara practically yells as he jogs to catch up with Itachi’s quick pace.

“Kisame’s busy today. He won’t be joining us,” the pale man quietly replied, his eyes intently focused in front of him. He was clearly making an attempt to ignore the loud blond, but he didn’t seem to notice.

“What a shame, what a shame, un. That guy’s fucking sexy. I saw him get a boner once when we were all smoking a bowl in the park, and he was huuuuge. Can you even fit that package inside you, un?” he rambles, clearly preoccupied with being as loud as possible. Itachi suppresses the urge to turn around and snap his neck; homicide does not look good to Ivy League colleges.

“Horny as ever, slutbag?” Hidan abruptly comments. The sound of a harsh smack is indication Hidan’s slapped Dei’s ass yet again, which for some reason the blond seems to be sensitive too. Perhaps that’s just with Hidan, though, since the two constantly want to murder each other.

“Asshole, don’t touch me, un!” the smaller man exclaimed, swinging a right hook at Hidan. The gray-haired man dodged the blow rather easily; probably because Deidara was one of those people who sat in their room all day watching anime and shit rather than physical activity. It was probably easier to get laid as a bottom when you were a girly twink rather than a musclehead, anyways.

Kakuzu, Sasori, and Zetsu just stared the pair of them.

“They’re more entertainment than actual people, really.”

“Mmm.”

“You guys seriously need to stop pissing each other off,” Konan admonished, sliding up to the group suddenly on her skateboard. There were always a few stragglers like her who stayed behind on several occasions, but at least she had the advantage of being a stereotypical teenage skater to catch her up with them.

“Who cares, fucking shitbag,” Deidara whined, crossing his arms across his chest. “Go back to sucking Nagato’s cock. That’s why you stayed behind, right? It pierced like the rest of him, un?”

“Shut the fuck up, stupid. It’s Hidan’s fault; some teacher cornered me to try to get me to tell him where he was. Obviously I didn’t sell that idiot out, but if he didn’t get detention every fucking day it wouldn’t be a problem,” she muttered indignantly, coming to a halt and flipping off her skateboard. She grabbed it, nestling it under her arm.

Hidan just snorted. The little fucker obviously didn’t care.

“God, don’t you pack of fags ever shut up?” Sasori murmured under his breath. Hidan and Deidara both shot him withering glares, whereas Konan, Itachi, and Tobi opted to ignore the angsty shitbag.

“You’re one to talk,” Kakuzu replied coolly, “considering you skipped class today to handle that whore you call a boyfriend.”

“Don’t be a little bitch,” Sasori sneered, narrowing his eyes. His tone was fiery, yet restrained - as if he was attempting to stop his anger from escaping. “I know you and Hidan are fucking each other, and that buffoon is a total manslut, so don’t give me shit.”

Hidan snickered. “Did you just call me a buffoon? Nice wordplay, Shakespeare. Dost thou wishest to fighteth me, O Great Asshole Sasori?”

Sasori ignored him. He knew it would piss off Hidan more than giving him an actual response.

“I’ve no idea why we all call ourselves friends when half the time we’re just fighting with each other like a bunch of idiots,” Zetsu mumbled, twiddling his fingers. The guy was a fucking twitchy freak, but hey, this was just a big group of freaks anyways.

“You people are the only ones I can stand in this whole damn school,” Konan replied smoothly. “Let’s face it, we’re all a bunch of edgelords with no lives, so we might as well stick together.”

“The bitch is kinda right,” Hidan mused.

“Mmm,” Deidara hummed in agreement.

“Well, I guess our crippling edginess is the death of us,” Itachi muttered, fiddling with the ends of his silky black hair.

“How much further is your house?” Sasori groaned. “I don’t recall it being an entire Olympian trek away.”

“It’s not my fault you’re a weeb degenerate who refuses to exercise,” Itachi hummed quietly, his demeanor calm.

 

“Whatever, jerk... Let’s just get there already.”

Chapter 2: sense of normalcy

Summary:

warnings for abuse mention (not in a romantic relationship), drug mention, cheating mention, alcohol abuse/underage drinking, and sex mentions. it involves hitting on someone from age 15-16 from a 17 year old, if that makes you uncomfortable. otherwise, enjoy.

Notes:

sasuke cameo fo today

Itachi’s house is big, as usual.

The decor is nice and classy, too. White couches with a variety of patterned throw pillows, fur rugs across polished wooden floors, gold accents in the lighting fixtures. The smell of something delicious is emanating from the kitchen. Sasuke is sitting peacefully on the couch, flipping through a book.

The atmosphere is serene and peaceful - a relaxed euphoria is in the air.

It is promptly ruined by Itachi’s friends storming into the house like a parade, chattering and yelling about drugs and sex and contrived edgelord teenage bullshit. The slam of the door shocks Sasuke out of his trance and his head whips up away from the book before a sour expression forms on his face.

“Itachi.”

“Little brother.”

“Who the fuck calls their little brother ‘little brother’?” the obnoxious red-haired one snarks under his breath. The girly blonde one snickers before the older one elbows him the ribs. Sasuke glares ferociously at them. He may be cold and detached from most people, but fiery hate is a different thing - and that is what the younger Uchiha brother feels for his brother’s stupid friends.

Itachi only raises an eyebrow at his friends’ antics before refocusing himself on Sasuke. “Me and my... friends will be using the basement tonight. I’d advise taking any of your possessions out of there before we do.”

“Sure. Whatever,” Sasuke snaps.

“Heyyy, Sasuke,” a voice interjects, the gray-haired man shoving Itachi aside to get to the front of the group. As Sasuke recalls, his name is Hayden... Hyakkimaru... Hidan! Yes, Hidan, that was it.

“You free later, sweetcheeks? I got an open spot on Saturday, y’know - nothing for the whole day or night. If y’want, we could get real personal, you and I... If you know what I mean. Get a footlong acquainted with two buns, eh?” The man winks, sleaziness practically oozing off of him.

Sasuke glares frostily. “Go suck a dick, Hidan.”

“Don’t be that way, babe, I already know you’ll give it up with a little chasin’ - I mean, all that stuff with Juugo and Naruto—“

“Stop pissing him off, Hidan!” Deidara whines, shoving the sleaze aside. He balls his hand up into a fist, whacking the perv lightly over the head. Either that, or he’s just that weak. When his eyes turn back to Sasuke, they’re lustful and half-lidded. “Hiii, Sas. It’s been a while, hot stuff.”

“I think we’re done here!” Itachi loudly interrupts, grabbing Deidara’s long blond hair and starting to drag him off. The group retreat to the basement, the blond’s yelps and protests of pain in the background.

Sasuke stares, hard, eyebrows furrowed as if in deep thought.

Bunch of assholes, that group is.

 

—-

 

“Oi, Hidan, what were you talking about with Sasuke? Like the Naruto and Juugo stuff, un?”

Itachi stiffens a bit at Deidara’s question, but he makes no attempt to intervene. Must be a sore subject.

“Well, Naruto’s this asshole star football jock guy, right? He’s a junior. ‘N Juugo’s a senior like us; plays in a band with Sasuke and these two other random fucks. I think I slept with the chick with red hair. Anyways, stuff happened with relationships ‘n it turned out Sasuke was fucking both of them! Practically killed each other over it,” Hidan snickered. “All that fuss over some twink and for nothing, huh?”

“My brother is a very complex, very fucked-up human being,” Itachi quietly sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose in exasperation.

“Does he have daddy issues because your guys’ parents are dead? I’m just wondering if I could get him to call me daddy or somethin’ like that—“

“Stay classy, Hidan,” Kakuzu sneers, the older man shoving past him in a cold huff. He storms down the stairs, practically pushing Tobi and Itachi aside so he can hurry to the basement. Further away from Hidan, too, probably. He seems to be, what’s the word, pissed the fuck off.

“Hey, what’s the deal, bitch?!” Hidan snaps.

“He obviously likes you,” Konan muttered, staring at the money-obsessed asshole thoughtfully. “Or at the very least, he wants to bone you. He seems like the possessive type. I didn’t take you for a bottom, Hidan.”

She smirked to counter the other man’s fiery expression, giving her a very prominent death stare.

“Shut the fuck up. As if I’d ever be a bottom bitch like Barbie and the Androgynous Wonder over there.”

“I never said I was a bottom,” Itachi retorted, his tone exasperated. Hidan practically started laughing his ass off, and Konan couldn’t help but snicker lightly.

“We’ve seen your boyfriend, pal. There’s no way he ain’t trying to fit his Lil’ Kisame inside your tight Japanese ass,” the boisterous man snorted. Konan nodded in silent agreement.

“Is that supposed to be racist?”

“If it makes you feel more objectified, sure.”

Itachi huffed, as if he was some noble princess who had to protect her honor. What a bitch. Hidan would probably still fuck him, though, if he wasn’t already getting down and dirty with Kisame.

At first, everyone had thought it was weird that Itachi was friends with a college student. However, when he revealed they were having sex together, nobody seemed to mind all that much anymore. Apparently sex was more excusable than friendship, but that wasn’t surprising considering the type of people he was dealing with.

“Why are we always at Itachi’s house, anyways?” Konan muttered, the group finally spilling into the basement at the bottom of the staircase. “I get that he’s rich and everything, but it’s getting boring. Also, I’m tired of seeing Hidan trying to hook up with literally every Uchiha family member.”

“Because I have a stable home life,” Itachi replied quietly, barely even glancing over as the others immediately pulled out a bong. “Zetsu, Kakuzu, Sasori, and Tobi already won’t dare to let any of us see what their house is like. Your parents are dead and you live alone in an apartment, which is too small for us. Deidara’s parents are almost 100% abusive, because I don’t think Sasori is THAT rough during sex. Hidan is staying with a foster family who absolutely hates his guts - also, their son is a prick.” Itachi wrinkles his nose at that last part, but finally returns to his calm expression.

“And, all in all... I’m the only one who has Netflix.”

Their casual conversation is interrupted by the sudden frustrated grunt of someone in the background - Itachi and Konan both glance over at the others. They’ve already settled into their own places in the basement, most sitting at the bean bag chairs surrounding the large TV on the wall. They appear to be having trouble operating the bong.

“How the fuck do you use this thing?” Sasori snapped, tone quiet yet laced with the sharp venom of irritation. When he’s truly frustrated, he sounds like that; voice cold and quiet. It’s more frightening than simple outraged yelling.

“Like I know, un,” Deidara snorted, flipping through the different shows on Netflix.

“I want to watch Death Note,” Itachi commented as he settled on the carpet. He was promptly ignored by the blonde man with the remote.

“No. Put on a horror movie,” Sasori interjected, still prodding at the bong like a scientist inspecting a specimen. “Seriously, how do you use this...?”

“Why would you all bring a fucking bong,” Konan sighed, snatching a bean bag chair for herself under Sasori’s ass. The redhead muttered in annoyance, but didn’t provoke her. “None of us know how to use it. Just bring a joint.”

“I don’t think anyone here has weed, anyways,” Deidara lamented, scrolling mindlessly past every option displayed on the screen. “My dealer flaked out on me when I asked him to get me the stuff. He’s one of those fucking weirdos from Suna High.”

“You have a dealer?” Kakuzu suddenly exclaimed. What was up with that? He wasn’t particularly interested in drug use. “How much are you paying for a gram?”

“Maybe 15...”

“Idiot,” the older man snorted, crossing his arms and leaning back. “You shouldn’t be paying more than 5 to 10. Anything else is a ripoff.”

“Like you’d know, money-obsessed asshat, un!”

“I bet it’s that Gaara kid,” Konan noted. “He’s practically dealing to everyone at Konoha. Looks like a fucking 10 year old goth, so narcs don’t get suspicious.”

“I fucked his sister. And his brother. Maybe him, too,” Hidan helpfully added. Everyone collectively ignored him. It’s not like it was a surprise anymore to all of them. If it was willing to have sex, Hidan fucked it. He probably had a body count higher than Harold Shipman.

“Stop bringing drugs to my house,” Itachi snapped. “It smells and it’s annoying to clean up. My dad is probably already searching for rehab centers after someone left their vape here.”

Be that as it may, no one is particularly interested in Itachi or what he’s saying. Not like the fuckin’ pretty boy refuses their offers of drugs and alcohol; if he really cared, he wouldn’t be friends with them. Nevertheless, he’s still enough of a narc that it gets annoying to listen to it.

“Wow, you sure care about the law, un. You should join ROTC, Ita,” Deidara snickers. It looks like he’s already opened a six-pack of cheap beer. “When you go to bravely serve our country so rich dicks can profit off war, I’ll pray for you.”

The group sniggers like the bunch of morons they are. Sasori and Kakuzu are lightweights, so in a few minutes they’ll get to be DRUNK morons.

Nevertheless, the night goes on... Relatively peaceful, to be honest.

Laughing. Making out (which is kinda gross, but whatever). Almost-sex before Tobi tells them to “get a room, you sick fucks”.

For a while, Itachi does a good job of pretending his friends are normal. That he’s normal. That his life is normal.

He almost believes it.

Notes:

OMG I- i fucking hate the ending so MUCH but i wanted to wrap this chapter up. please forgive me i promise the good stuff is coming soon.

Chapter 3: bad day for rain

Summary:

pleasant conversation between friends + skateboarding

Notes:

this is a liiiittle boring in my opinion. i tried to focus more on character development and background this chapter, so i hope it doesn’t come off as dull to my readers :( other than that, please enjoy lads

hidan and konan centric

After school the next day, the group doesn’t go to Itachi’s house together. All of them are too busy with various other activities, so they split up for the afternoon.

Konan finds herself outside near the oval-shaped track, the crunch of cleats against synthetic rubber and the chatter of teenagers filling her ears. The track team usually practices here every other day, so it’s not a surprise.

What she is surprised to see is Hidan leaning against the fence surrounding the track and the field inside of it. She’d be slightly less shocked if he was hitting on one of the girls or guys there, but he’s smoking a cigarette.

“What are you doing here?” she asks casually.

“Shut it, bitch, ‘m thinking,” Hidan replied conversationally.

She cast a monotonous glance at him before turning her attention back to the track. A girl with her face covered in the sheen of sweat surges past her, grinning triumphantly. Judging from the conspicuous buns of hair, it’s Tenten - the resident school sophomore track star. Notoriously sappy and sweet with stoic boyfriend Neji Hyūga, who just so happens to be the junior with all the top grades.

She tends to avoid people like them; overachievers. It reminds her a lot of when she had any actual ambition for her future, which in turn makes her uncomfortable.

A warm gust of wind blows strands of her violet-hued hair into her face. She looks back at Hidan.

“What are you doing here?” she repeats.

“Jesus Christ, fucktard, don’t you know how to say anything else?! None of your business!” he snaps in response, irritated.

“You seem irritated,” she curtly replies.

Hidan purses his lips and crushes his cigarette into the hard gravel under the heel of his boot.

Konan doesn’t say anything to him. He’s - well - he’s one of those people who has trouble showing emotion. Any kind, really.

Like his appreciation of his friends.

Like his schoolboy crush on Kakuzu.

Like why he would rather watch a bunch of sophomores sweat their asses off rather than go home.

“Why don’t you want to go home?”

“No reason to!” he sneers back, firmly crossing his arms across his chest. “Doesn’t matter anyways. Bitch.”

The word, usually coming off the tip of his tongue with both fondness and venom, falls flat.

Konan doesn’t want to say she’s worried about him. So fucking stupid, right? Hidan’s a tough guy. A big, brawny meathead who sleeps with anything that moves and moves his mouth faster than his brain. She’s not supposed to be worried about someone like him, who is supposed to be stronger than someone like her - a weirdo emo chick with dead parents. Well, according to the social hierarchy of Konoha High.

Sometimes it’s hard to remember he has emotions other than mad and horny. Probably because his façade for everyone here is just that - an aggressive manwhore with a bad boy track record. A fag, a freak, a retard who’ll never amount to anything beyond his aggression. Surely he’ll end up in jail or dead one day.

But everyone in their group has a mask. Like - like tarot cards, they fit into a singular trope which makes things simpler for them.

The slut. The fighter. The nerd. The freak. The emo. The fag, the idiot, the artist, the-

That doesn’t matter right now.

“What do you mean, no reason to?” She quirks a single eyebrow.

“You live with a foster family, don’t you? They assholes or something?”

Hidan’s shoulders tense, but he doesn’t seem scared. She watches the life seep out of his bright eyes, all of the laxness in his posture draining. As if someone filled the atmosphere with lethal poison, Konan now finds herself feeling strained and annoyed.

“Their kid is a little prick.”

“That’s really it?”

“I-I can’t stand being in the same house as that - unbearable piece of shit!!” he growls, eyes intensely focused on the distance. “He’s all smart, and annoying, and his fucking hair looks like a pineapple - I just want to fuck his shit up-!”

Shikamaru Nara isn’t a bad kid. He’s - well - kind of an asshole, to everyone. Except for the Naruto kid. But she can see why Hidan would avoid him.

“The parents fuckin’ hate me anyways, Konan,” he bemoans, leaning against the chain fence. “Because I’m not their perfect widdle cuck of a son. God! I should fuck his girlfriend or something!”

“There’s no way you could get Temari to fuck you,” she snickers, eyes relaxed.

“If she’s with that little bastard, she must have low standards,” Hidan hisses, flecks of spittle flying out of his mouth.

The truth is, she and Hidan both know Shikamaru is actually in quite a good league. He’s fairly hot. He’s a super-genius, even if he is lazy as fuck. His family’s loaded, which in high school basically just means high-middle class. And some girls are probably into the smug asshole thing, even if he acts like a frequent poster of the r/incels subreddit on some occasions. Even if he’s not her personal type, Konan realizes that he’d be an ideal choice of a boyfriend for most girls.

“Yeah, probably a real whore,” she responds, sliding her hands into her pockets. “I’m going home, Hidan. You should too.”

“Easy for you to say, people don’t bother you...”

“Would you rather watch the sophomore track team run a few hundred more laps?” she mutters irritably.

“Yes.”

“Fine. Knock yourself out.”

Slapping her skateboard against the pavement, Konan glides away from the fenced-off track and bleachers, skating down the sidewalk and in the direction of her apartment complex.

It’s - she can understand Hidan’s situation. It’s always been complicated, for all of them.

Konan’s parents are dead. So are Nagato’s.

Deidara, well. His mom committed suicide when he was younger. His dad is - a fucking psycho, honestly. She can tell from the bruises on his skin that are obviously NOT from Sasori.

Itachi’s home wasn’t always perfect. Once upon a time, he and Sasuke had the worst brother complex known to man. But at least they fixed that.

Tobi is always on edge; he doesn’t like loud noises or sudden movement. She doesn’t even know where he lives, but it’s surely less than ideal.

The rest of the bunch keep their home lives secret, too. If that means they’re better or worse off than the rest, she doesn’t know yet. Considering how much God tends to screw all of them over, she’s guessing it’s the latter.

Disappointing. Wouldn’t be surprising.

The chains attached to her black leather belt rattle against her jeans as she continues to glide down the sidewalk.

Just for once, she’d like all of them to just be able to be happy. They - they should be able to live their lives like normal teenagers. What did they do to deserve things like this, against all the other scumbags of the world?

It was random. Cruel. Disjointed from emotion; fate had just though that they deserved worse lives than everyone else, just-

- because.

Bullshit.

Konan’s eyes diverted themselves to the sky, mottled with milky clouds across a dim grey plain.

A single drop of water splattered against her white cheek, and she felt her purple hair moisten. Wet strands glued themselves to her face, sliding across the non-absorbent artificial petals in her hair accessory. Liquid soaked her clothing, leaving it heavy and tight across her body. Her skateboard, still hovering down the sidewalk, slowed down as she sloshed through quickly-forming puddles.

“Sick fuckin’ joke,” she laughed.

So now it was just going to rain right when she was thinking about how screwed-up fate was towards her and her friends.

Ironic, really.

Konan continued to skate towards her house.

Notes:

wow. that was garbage. next chapter is sasuke cameo and itachi’s house because he’s a little rich nerd hahaha point and laugh