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Kirk could not explain it, but ever since his mind or his soul had been switched to Janice Lester’s body and back, he did not feel right. He felt uncomfortable in his own skin, and more acutely aware of the universe than ever before. To be honest, he had never been sure that he believed in the concept of a soul, or any afterlife, but he decided that he most definitely had a soul that Janice Lester had been able to swap to another body.
He was afraid to talk to Bones about it and after three sleepless nights he asked Spock, over a game of chess, if he believed people had souls. Spock’s response actually shocked him. “Vulcans have katras . They are souls. Some Vulcans have successfully passed their dying katras into another Vulcan to be transferred to the Ancient Hall of Thoughts in vessels similar to what Sargon used. Vulcan mythology is full of partners finding their loved ones’ katras after death.”
Spock met Kirk’s gaze. “Something is troubling you.”
Kirk nodded. “I honestly never believed in such a thing. But it was my soul Janice Lester transferred out of my body.” He was unable to sup p ress a shudder. “If you hadn’t melded with me, she’d have had me doped up and locked up somewhere...” His voice trailed off and he couldn’t put into words the unease he felt.
Spock must have picked up on it. “You’re not feeling yourself?”
Kirk shrugged. “It’s like my mind isn’t quite where it was supposed to be. I cannot explain it.”
Spock’s expression was one Kirk couldn’t iden ti fy, but it vanished almost as quickly as and was replaced by resolution. “The technology was not meant for humans. And our melding further complicated your mind. I believe if I teach you some meditation techniques , they may be able to help refocus your mind.”
The Vulcan smiled that half-smile that he saved for Kirk and it warmed him to see it. “Jim, we are overdue for shore leave. There is a resort planet 2.6 light years from our present course. I know Dr. McCoy would be able to make it a medical order if you’re worried about Starfleet.”
Kirk knew how worn out he must be when he didn’t feel any hesitation. “That sounds nice, Spock. Go ahead and make the arrangements.”
The odd expression flitted across Spock’s features again and Kirk felt frustrated that he couldn’t pinpoint the emotion behind it. Something still didn’t feel like himself fully. His mind felt pulled. Like there was something he wasn’t seeing of himself.
But Spock’s expression returned to normal. “Jim, would you mind if I accompany you on shore leave? I can help you with meditation and--”
Kirk cut him off quickly. “Spock, of course I wouldn’t mind. I’d appreciate it. I need you right now. I feel like you’re the only thing keeping my mind grounded.”
This time Spock looked at him with a mixture of shame and embarras s ment . Kirk was certain those were the emotions behind the look, but it made no sense and he decided not to pursue it. His head felt all mixed up.
He sat very attentively as Spock explained a basic meditation technique. And he tried, but he could not focus. “I haven’t slept in three days. I’m a wreck.”
Spock looked concerned. “Let me get Dr. McCoy--”
Kirk cut him off again. “No, please. I’m scared he’s going to take me off duty. If I’m not better after shore leave, I promise I’ll see him. For now, is there something you can do to help me sleep?”
That strange look passed across Spock’s face again and then he lifted his hand gently towards Kirk’s face. “Are you sure you don’t mind me being back in your mind?”
“Not at all,” Kirk answered truthfully. “You’re like a refuge in a storm.” He closed his eyes and leaned into Spock’s fingers. He relaxed as Spock mentally began Your mind to my mind. Your thoughts to my thoughts. It felt like home. He felt more like himself. When Spock gently but firmly thought You must rest now , he was astonished to feel such peace and comfort that he was barely aware of Spock leading him to his bed. He knew Spock had leaned him upon the bed and aligned him properly on it. He was aware of Spock gently removing his boots and then he felt Spock tuck the covers under him. The peace he felt was intense and for the first time in 3 days he felt whole. Spock laid a hand gently on his forehead and for a moment he felt affection and friendship flow through Spock to himself. Then Spock’s warm hand was gone and he was asleep.
When Kirk awoke , he felt refreshed and felt much more like himself than he had in days. Still, he was grateful to see that they had reached Aragon XI, a popular resort planet that was primarily made up of ocean front resorts. He quickly found out that Spock had made all of the arrangements with Starfleet, had arranged rotations for crew members to take leave, and that the Enterprise was to stay there for a whole week. While most of the crew would only get three days leave, Kirk and Spock, had been granted the whole weak on a medical basis. As he packed a small duffel bag his door chime rang. “Come,” he answered, expecting Spock. It was McCoy. “Bones,” he said carefully. He was afraid McCoy was going to ask to evaluate him. But whatever Spock had said to McCoy must have delayed that.
McCoy smiled. “You’re under medical orders to let Spock help you get your head feeling better. If it’s not better in a week—and I’m going on his opinion; not yours—you come see me for a full work up. Got it?”
Kirk nodded. He didn’t know why, but he felt certain that things were going to be okay. He had honestly never felt that way about an upcoming shore leave but he felt a sense of calm and fulfillment that he could not verbalize.
McCoy left and a few minutes later the door buzzed again. This time it was Spock. He was wearing a black T - shirt with black jeans and Kirk did not recall ever having seen Spock dress like that. He realized that he was staring at Spock and felt his cheeks blush. How had he never noticed how handsome Spock was? He felt his heart rate accelerate and he felt an unusual sensation of butterflies in his stomach. Stop it, JT. This is shore leave. With your first officer who doesn’t deal with emotions or sex. Shut this down.
Embarrassed he tried to ignore the feelings. “Ready to go?”
“Affirmative,” Spock answered and his usual calm demeanor seemed to quash the butterflies in Kirk’s abdomen.
They beamed down to the resort and as they approached the desk Spock spoke to the clerk and referenced some number. The clerk nodded enthusiastically, checked a computer console, and then turned back with a tilt of the head. “I apologize. All of our double bed accom m odations are booked. We have a cabin with a large bed? Will that work for you?”
Spock looked at Kirk and Kirk shrugged. “Sure.” It’s not like they hadn’t shared close sleeping quarters before. Of course, Kirk thought to himself, back then I wasn’t paying any attention to what he looked like. What the hell is wrong with me?
But he figured he could get through this. Hell, they’d both been through a lot worse.
And everything seemed to be going just fine. That night he feared that he might not be able to sleep . And he was petrified that if Spock touched his mind, he’d see where his thoughts had been earlier. But the meditation techniques Spock had taught him after dinner seemed to work and he fell promptly asleep.
When he awoke, there was a significant problem. The first thing he became aware of was that Spock was sleeping next to him. The Vulcan’s breathing was regular and reassuring. However, in his sleep, Spock’s left hand had somehow sprawled itself over Kirk’s groin. Spock was laying on his right side quite close to Kirk, but his left hand was spread in a most unusual position. His wrist was laying firmly against Kirk’s growing erection and his long slender index finger was pressed slightly into the inner part of Kirk’s right thigh. Kirk fought back sensations, embarrassed at himself for feeling them. He knew Spock was asleep and that Spock would never have been in such an intimate position if he was awake. He ought to roll over, he knew. But he couldn’t. He didn’t want to. Spock’s warmer than human body temperature felt amazingly good against his arousal. No matter how many times he kept telling himself it’d be another second and then he’d turn away, he couldn’t follow through with it. He promised himself if he’d move away, he could go take a shower and jerk off. But somehow laying there with the thrill of the forbidden contact was more appealing and he lay still. It took all his self-control not to move his hips and gain more contact with Spock’s hand. The more he fought the desire, the stronger it became. He did not remember being this hard and this horny in years. He felt like a silly teenager. He lost track of time. Suddenly he was aware of Spock stirring beside him, and as Spock stirred, his hand dragged across the head of Kirk’s dick , separated only by fabric, and drops of precum appeared of their own volition. He held his breath hoping that Spock would be too sleepy to feel any moisture that might have leaked through his pajama bottoms . If Spock noticed anything, he did not appear to show it. He merely sat up. “Good morning, Jim. Did you sleep well?”
Kirk struggled to find words. His leaking cock was screaming attention and the absence of Spock’s warm body left him feeling cold and alone. “Yes,” he finally mustered.
Spock was already up and out of bed. He watched as the Vulcan gracefully arose and pulled back the curtains. Sunlight poured through the window and Kirk noticed the tips of Spock’s delicate Vulcan ears sparkled in the light. Kirk tried desperately to change the way his mind was going.
Spock seemed oblivious to Kirk’s preoccupation and half-smiled at him. “Do you want to have breakfast here? Or do you want to go explore the town? There is supposed to be a café that approximates Earth cuisine. Albeit with an Andorian touch according to th e resort guide.”
“Which you already memorized, evidently,” Kirk added, feeling unusually impressed with Spock’s attention to details. Usually shore leave was pulling teeth with Spock and he was always eager to get back to the ship. This time, Spock seemed completely devoted to letting the whole leave be what made Kirk happy. Suddenly Kirk’s mind shifted gears again and his persistent erection reminded himself that he was treading into dangerous territory.
Still, Spock was looking at him with the half-smile. He felt like Spock wanted him to pick one option, but he wasn’t sure which one Spock wanted. For a moment he imagined himself saying “Skip breakfast. I want you.” He felt a sense of shame as soon as the thoughts and images came to mind. He had to turn away as he felt his cheeks flush.
“Let me take a shower, and I’ll decide,” he finally answered. He thought taking a shower and jerking off would solve it. But no matter who he tried to visualize as he touched himself under the running water of the shower, the only face he could see was Spock’s. He tried thinking of every serious relationship he’d ever been in. It was not working. So , he started cataloging by blondes, brunettes, and then he realized he’d been in the shower for an unusually long time. Every time he was close to coming, it was Spock’s face he saw. And he couldn’t do it. Surely it was wrong to stand in the shower and jerk off to the image of your best friend (and first officer) when they’re right outside the door. He froze. If he didn’t come , he wasn’t going to be able to clear his head. But he couldn’t let himself come thinking of Spock. Those kinds of things were trouble. He’d get to the point where he wouldn’t be able to look his friend in the eye. For a long moment he didn’t know what to do. Then he did the only solution he could think of. He turned the water all the way cold. Less than a minute later his erection was gone. But his desire was not. And his abdomen was a mess of emotions and longing that he knew was a ticking time bomb.
He exited the bathroom wrapped in a soft towel and was surprised to see Spock sitting on the bed with a nervous expression on his face. Kirk did not remember seeing that expression on his face before, but Spock looked nervous. It heightened the feelings swirling through him and he had to swallow before he could find his voice. “Let’s try the Andorian /Earth café.”
He normally would have gotten dressed right there in front of Spock. They’d each dressed and undressed in front of each other countless times without a moment thought. But now, Kirk found he couldn’t let Spock see him and grabbing his duffel bag he returned to the bathroom, fully aware that he was blushing. Kirk began to berate himself. This was not the kind of change he wanted in their relationship. He did not want to lose his best friend. But he couldn’t go on like this. For a moment he thought about cancelling everything and beaming up to the Enterprise. But he was pretty sure that McCoy would ground him faster than anything. Spock would be more worried about Kirk if he ran away from shore leave. No, he’d just have to handle it.
He dressed and exited the bathroom once more. Spock was wearing a green shirt that made his complexion glow. Good God, JT , he thought, He is your fucking first officer. Spock doesn’t dress to impress!
They walked quietly to the café. The fact that Spock had researched the café and already knew how to get there showed him that Spock had put a lot of effort into this and he felt a surge of affection for his best friend. And a surge in self-hatred for going ahead and thinking about him sexually. But his mind flashed back to a couple of years ago when they were locked in a combat-to-the death struggle. He still could feel the ahn’woon tightening around his neck and his awareness of Spock’s erection pressed against his leg before his world went black. For a few hours after that ordeal he had fantasized that Spock was going to waltz into his quarters and beg him to let him fuck him. When it didn’t happen , he had stopped thinking about Spock the way he had in those few hours. Except now, those buried feelings and thoughts turned out to be right there at the surface.
Spock ordered a vegetarian omelet and Kirk p e rused the menu and settled on an entrée with an unpronou nc eable Andorian name that claimed it was similar to country fried steak and eggs. His coffee was good, but the entrée was bland. He couldn’t keep his mind from wandering and he knew his sexual frustration was getting the better of him.
He watched Spock eat his food delicately. “Is it good?” he asked.
Spock shrugged imperceptibly. “It lacks the seasoning of either Earth or Andorian flavor.”
“Yeah, mine too. I guess they didn’t want it to be too spicy, but I think they went the opposite direction. Coffee’s good though.”
“My herbal tea is also,” Spock replied.
Kirk rubbed his right temple in uncon s cious frustration. He and Spock did not usually sit around making small talk like this. He needed something to distract his mind in a hurry or he was going to put his foot in his mouth.
Spock noticed immediately. “Your head is hurting again?”
Kirk felt like running. He wanted to say the truth but he couldn’t. He froze. He’d never not been able to talk to Spock.
His silence seemed to alarm the Vulcan. “Jim, let me call Dr McCoy.”
“No!” he yelled louder than he’d meant to. A few people at nearby tables looked at him and he ducked his head in embarras s ment . “Spock, please bear with me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I can’t describe what I’m feeling to McCoy.”
Spock looked at him squarely in the eyes. “Or me.”
It was not a question. It wasn’t an accusation. It was said with such regret that Kirk felt remorse. “Spock, human emotions are crazy, mixed up things that don’t make sense half the time. You know that.”
He paused waiting for Spock to acknowledge that, but Spock still sat there, looking hurt that Kirk was closing him out.
“Truth be told, I don’t know what I’m really feeling or thinking right now. It’s all a jumbled mess. I just want to take my mind off thinking.”
Spock nodded and his expression returned to his usual one. “Would you like to go swimming? The ocean on this planet are compared to the Dead Sea of Earth. It is supposed to be both therap e utic and relaxing.”
Kirk smiled. “Sure. I did pack swimming trunks.”
Spock looked embarras s ed for a moment. “I did not.”
“Why?”
“I did not bring any onboard the Enterprise.”
“Well, let’s go buy some. We’ve passed a bunch of little shops.”
Spock nodded and they paid their tabs and left.
At the first kiosk Spock browsed but seemed distracted to Kirk. Something was bothering Spock too. Kirk was sure of it. Is he just worrying about me or is there more? He wondered. His eyes were drawn to a pair of swim briefs Spock was holding in one hand. They were black and gold and they were going to be extremely form fitting. He didn’t think he’d ever seen Spock wear anything like them before. For the first time his mind considered that maybe Spock felt something similar to his feelings?
Was Spock dressing to turn me on? Am I imagining things? They just must be functional right?
But on the rack next to the briefs Spock was holding, were very normal long swimming trunks, the kind he would have expected Spock to pick. Spock was a very deliberate person. Wasn’t he?
He studied Spock’s face. There was something there. Flickers of emotions. But Kirk couldn’t be sure which ones. When Spock paid for the form fitting bathing suit without trying it on or really seeming to look at them, Kirk wasn’t sure what to think. They walked back to the cabin in companio n able silence. Kirk was determined not to have to hide in the bathroom to change this time, but he did turn his back to Spock. When he turned around Spock was already dressed and the briefs were even more form fitting than Kirk had imagined. He was grateful for his own loose swimming trunks as his hard-on was rapidly returning. Spock’s expression was one he couldn’t make out. For a moment Kirk could have sworn there was a tint of green on Spock’s cheeks. But a moment later Spock seemed normal and they stepped out onto the beach. The resort had hedges and rock monuments that gave the beach in front of each cabin privacy and their section of the beach was their own. He stood there barefoot in the soft sand and just feeling the beach beneath him. Spock stood slightly to his side with an odd expression on his face.
“Is it enough of a beach to walk on?” Spock asked him. It took Kirk a moment to realize what Spock was saying. He was referencing a time all those years ago when an alien compound impaired their emotions and he had told Spock the things he mourned, including the lack of a beach to walk on. He remembered Spock’s shame at the time of having never told his mother he loved her. That Spock remembered Kirk’s exact words and catered to them all these years later touched Kirk.
But Spock looked at him with a slightly sad expression. “I am sorry that I did not bring anyone to the beach to accompany you. Other than myself.”
Kirk swallowed, trying to keep his eye on Spock’s face, even though a part of him wanted to keep glancing below Spock’s waist. He realized that more than anything right now he wanted to hold Spock’s hand. Just hold his hand and walk on the beach. Four days ago, Spock had held his hand. When Spock realized that Kirk was in Janice Lester’s body , he had held his hand, providing a sensation of comfort and friendship through his touch telepathy. It had grounded Kirk and given him hope that things would be ok. But now, it seemed like that same hand holding was impossible. Or was it?
Kirk moved closer to Spock. “Believe me, you are who I want on my beach to walk on.” He watched as the Vulcan’s eyes focused and he saw Spock’s slightly exag g erated intake of a breath. Emotions now danced and warred in Spock’s eyes and his features were a mix of expressions as the Vulcan failed to find words.
Kirk did not recall Spock unable to speak like this. Finally , Spock was able to vocalize his thoughts. “Jim, I too am having a hard time with my emotions. I--” he trailed off unchar acteri st ica lly.
Kirk decided to just move on impulse and held his hand out. “Sometimes words just complicate things.”
Spock hesitated for a second and Kirk was not sure if he had done more than he should, but when Spock took his hand it was such a relief and the warmth of Spock’s Vulcan physiology combined with the warmth of the affection , he felt from Spock reassured him. He squeezed Spock’s hand slightly. “Now this is my beach. Our beach.” To his surprise he felt tears well up in his eyes and he blinked furiously but one escaped. Kirk hoped Spock hadn’t noticed. But of course , Spock noticed everything. The next thin g he knew Spock had pulled him in front of him and pulled their clasped hands together tightly. “Why are you sad?”
Kirk gave a small laugh and squeezed Spock’s hand. “I’m not. I’m happy. Humans cry when they’re happy sometimes.”
Spock nodded. “My mother has said that before.”
Kirk could see emotion clouding Spock’s features again and even though he was no telepath he was certain through their clasped hands that he could feel emotion from Spock. Relief. Affection. And something else his brain couldn’t process.
Spock stepped back a step and bowed his head down. His hand still held Kirk’s tightly. “Jim, I have not felt myself in days either. When I realized that you—Jim Kirk—my captain and my friend, were in a stranger’s body I experienced fear.” He paused and Kirk could practically see the wheels turning in Spock ’s mind so he stayed silent and gave him space to speak. “I have felt fear for you before. Many times. But this time I was afraid that no one else would know that it was you in her body. That no matter what I would do I would have no say and that you could be taken where I could never see you again . I actually felt relief when we were both put in the brig and sentenced together. I would get to be with you until the end of both of our lifespans, which appeared to be relatively short.”
Kirk could feel affection flowing through Spock. He remembered the sensation of Janice Lester’s body. The way he came up to Spock at a different height, but Spock gently reaching down and touching his head and their minds melding and his desperation as he tried to think of everything to tell Spock that only James Kirk would know, to prove that it was really himself in her body. He recalled the relief when Spock’s mind declared Jim and he knew that Spock had realized he really was in Janice’s body.
Kirk gave up on burying his feelings. He was scared for a moment, because if he was reading this wrong , he was jeopardizing the most important friendship he’d ever had. But he didn’t think he was reading it wrong. He reached for Spock’s other hand and as he held both of his best friend’s hands , he tried to project his affection towards Spock.
“Spock, you are the most important thing to me in the whole universe. I appreciate that you literally brought me to a beach to walk on, but the truth is, that you are what I need. Not a beach. Not the Enterprise. Not command. If tomorrow the universe said it was just you and me in a dilithium mine for the rest of our lives, I’d be ok. Because it’d be with you.”
He felt a tear escape his eye again and Spock pulled one hand free to wipe the tear away. “Jim, I want it to be so that when death does take us our katras find each other. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. And then whatever lies beyond this life.”
Kirk pulled Spock in for an embrace. Their lips met and it was better than the fantasies he’d imagined years ago after Spock’s aborted pon farr . Spock’s lips were so warm and when Kirk sucked Spock’s tongue into his own mouth he was rewarded with a moan from his usually unflappable friend. The sound went straight to his dick and he was instantly hard. To his surprise, Spock shifted himself slightly and Kirk could feel Spock’s own erection warmly pressing through the tight-fitting briefs. They were kissing so intensely and then suddenly Spock threaded his fingers through Kirk’s and then moved so that his index and middle fingers touched Kirk’s hand. With a shock, Kirk realized he could feel everything Spock felt. Could feel what his own tongue felt like to Spock, could feel the warmth of his own mouth to Spock’s tongue. For a moment he thought he was going to cum just from the shared sensations. It was the most amazing thing he’d ever experienced. He could barely catch a breath and he began to steer them back towards their cabin. They paused for a moment to pull their bathing suits off each other. Each of them eyed the other with evident desire and to see the look in Spock’s eyes made him even more aroused than he could ever remember being. They pulled each other onto the bed and as they fell into each other’s arms Kirk quipped, “It’s a good thing we have this big bed.”
To his surprise, Spock looked at him ashamed. “Jim,” he said softly, gently running the fingers of his right hand through Kirk’s hair. “We got this cabin and this bed on purpose.”
“Huh?” Kirk wasn’t following the train of thought.
“I realized while you were out of your own body and while our minds were so connected that we both had the same feelings buried very deeply in us. I truly believed we were not going to survive much longer so I felt freer to display some of that by holding your hand in the brig. When I realized that we were forming a low-level bond I didn’t know how to express my feelings. I called the resort and asked them to make sure we had a cabin with only one bed.”
It took a moment for that to register with Kirk. “This morning, when did you wake up?”
Spock definitely blushed. “About the same time , you did. I should have moved my hand away but I didn’t. I--” he paused unchar acteristica lly. “It took an inordinate amount of control not to do something, but I wanted to be sure we made a con s cious dec i sion to change our relationship. I was afraid if we were both half-asleep. .. ”
Kirk grinned. “Alright, then let’s consciously change our relationship. I don’t know what we need to do for Vulcan, but I’m asking you to marry me.”
He moved and started get up and Spock pulled him down “Why are you leaving?”
Kirk laughed. “I’m not. I’m going to kneel down. Humans kneel down to ask someone to marry them.” Spock let go of him and they both were kneeling on the floor. The pantomime of his gesture touched Kirk.
Spock held out two fingers in the Vulcan format Kirk had seen Spock’s parents touch before. He met Spock’s fingers with his own. “Marry me, please.” Just through the contact of those two fingers, he could feel such emotion from Spock that it almost overwhelmed him. Spock’s love and desire were so strong. “T ’ hy’la.” Spock said in Vulcan. Kirk found his mind felt the translation. Friend. Brother. Lover . Then they were kissing again and both pulling/pushing each other onto the bed. They were frantic now. Talking had delayed what they both needed. Kirk realized he wasn’t going to last very long. It was too good to be able to feel what his body was doing to Spock. Both of them were so close already. They took turns trying to pull up on top of the other and finally he just gave in and pulled Spock on top of him. When Spock’s erection touched his he had to bite his lips to keep from losing control right then and there. He got his control back and then began to thrust his hips up matching Spock’s rhythm. He could sense how close they both were and Spock moved his hand to touch his temple and their mental link flared. Now he could feel everything Spock was feeling and Spock could feel everything Kirk was feeling and with one more thrust they both came spurting cum between them, the mental bond forming tightly with lights and colors and words that were new to Kirk but felt familiar already. When Spock let his hand drop from his temples, he was amazed to realize that he still felt the connection almost as strongly.
Touched and always touching. Apart yet one.
Kirk slid so that he could grab a kiss. This time it was no t hurried or frenzied. It was slow and soft and full of affection. It still was an amazing s en sation to feel what his lips did to Spock. He was so moved with emotion and sensation and when Spock pulled him in closer , he buried his head in the crook of Spock’s neck and snuggled as close to him as he could. He felt Spock pull their lower bodies closer and wrap a leg possessively around Kirk’s legs. He felt a sensation of peace and calm. My beach.
Spock’s mind radiated love and affection back. Always.