Chapter Text
“Steve!”, Tony woke with a start, feeling like he’d just gotten the wind knocked out of him as he panted. He gingerly closed his eyes and opened them again, feeling the tracks of new and old tears on his cheeks. Tony rubbed at one eye with the arm that wasn’t on the mattress, the other one was stretched out, grasping the sheets for someone.
Steve
”Fuck”, Tony sat up, feeling his bones groan in protest, and rubbed his eyes properly, willing the images of the incredibly vivid dream away. He yawned, feeling the weariness settle in again like an old friend.
”Are you alright sir?”, JARVIS’ concerned voice said as the armor floated softly into the room, just like he did every morning and like he probably would do for a lot of mornings to come.
”Fine”, was Tony’s standard response, almost automatic now.
If JARVIS had a face Tony was pretty sure he would have rolled his eyes, ”I have scanned the neighborhood and it seems like we should leave in an hour or so, a wave of walkers is coming”
”Okay, status on food?”, Tony swung his legs over the edge over the bed and ran his hands through his hair, which now hung a little below his shoulders, pulling through the tangles.
”There is a local supermarket two streets away, I have cleared it out during the night”, JARVIS continued, but then his voice turned disapproving, “But shouldn’t you shower first sir, the last time you washed up was...”
”Don’t have any new clothes”, Tony brushed him off, standing up, stretching and beginning to walk out of the door, only to be stopped by some pants and a shirt dangling in front of his face, held by JARVIS.
”No excuses now, sir”, the A.I said, and his impeccable voice would’ve just sounded pleased to any other, but Tony could recognize the note of smugness in his old friend’s tone.
”Please don’t tell me you got those off one of those things”, Tony raised an eyebrow at the faceplate of the suit, but when the A.I made no move to respond, he grudgingly grabbed the clothes and went to the bathroom next to the bedroom.
Tony quickly undressed, steadfastly refusing to look into the tiny mirror above the sink, knowing what he’d see, bones practically protruding from his body, dust and blood smeared across his arms and legs, his hair still a tangled mess and his eyes red from crying. He stepped into the shower. The water was cold, but Tony barely felt it as he did the bare minimum to wash himself, ignoring the shampoo bottles and douche gel on a small rack in the shower. He felt a small stab of pain as he saw the shampoo and douche gel for babies, the house had been empty when he’d arrived, and he wondered what had happened to the child, but when big brown eyes and that wide grin began to enter his mind, he quickly deserted that train of thought.
Tony pulled the clothes on without bothering to dry off too much, a green shirt and dark jeans, which were the perfect size and clean, god bless JARVIS. Significantly more awake than he was earlier, he walked outside and called out for the A.I, and the suit appeared at the bottom of the stairs, travel bag in one hand, completely stocked with food by the looks of it.
JARVIS tutted when Tony stepped downstairs, quickly closing the suit around him and letting warm air dry Tony up, and Tony sighed at the coldness of the water disappearing without a trace.
”Thanks, J”, Tony said gratefully as the suit retracted again, not a hint of sarcasm, he honestly didn’t know what he’d do without the A.I.
”Anytime, sir”, JARVIS sounded pleased, “Shall we depart now?”
”After you”, Tony gestured to the door, which the suit pushed open carefully, Tony following it, both carefully avoiding the booby trap laid on the front steps. Tony looked at the house with relative nostalgia, it was a normal family home, and if he hadn’t been born a Stark he might’ve been living here with...
That familiar stab of pain again.
Okay, other thoughts, Stark
“Where are we heading, Jar?”, he suddenly turned to the suit, that was calmly floating next to him as he walked.
”There is another neighborhood quite like this 20 miles away, we could stay there for a few days, I sent a small scout there last night, and there seems to be a relative amount of food, and few walkers”, JARVIS replied, and Tony smiled at his greatest creation yet, and let himself pretend, for just a moment, that it was all okay.
”Sounds good”
***
”What about this one?”, Tony holds up a bag of gummy bears to the suit over his shoulder.
”There is very low chance of you getting sick of those, but it would be highly advisable not to eat them anyway, your meals are already far from balanced, sir, and...”, JARVIS said, but he was interrupted by the loud sound of tearing plastic.
Tony held one gummy bear in front of his face, squinting his eyes, “Eh, good enough”, he declared, before popping it in his mouth.
JARVIS actually tutted, and seriously, when had he learned that, and floated away, looking at the fruit, if by some miracle, some were still good.
”Can’t you like, go look at some houses, J? I think I can get me some food by myself”, Tony cast a sideway look at the suit, “I mean, what if there’re still some of those things in there?”
JARVIS seemed to contemplate this, before making the decision it would be safe enough, ”No more candy”, the A.I. said warningly, before floating out of the supermarket door.
Tony breathed a sigh of relief, he loved JARVIS, but the A.I. was always by his side, it was almost stifling. He knew JARVIS wasn’t actually gone, could still feel his vitals through Tony’s bracelets connected with the suit, could still communicate him through the second suit in his arc reactor and the comm in his ear, but he knew JARVIS wouldn’t interfere if he wanted to be alone for a minute.
Tony snickered softly as he turned back to the bag of gummy bears.
Peter had loved gummy bears.
The thought hit him like a train.
Sometimes Tony really hated his own brain.
Tony sighed, walking out of the candy aisle, straight into one filled with alcohol.
Tony looked at the bottles, a bit longingly, he could really use the numbness alcohol brought right now, to not feel anything, not the ache in his body from months without proper sleep, not the headache that seemed now a permanent resident in his head, and most importantly the hole in his heart where his family used to be.
But he couldn’t.
He could remember it as it was yesterday, when he’d been 6 months sober, he had come home, and everyone had decorated the whole living room, including a banner from the ceiling that said yeah! Fuck take that alcohol! The whole gang had been waiting for him, party hats on, and when he’d come through the door, Peter and Clint and popped the party poppers, covering him in heart-shaped confetti. Then Steve had been there, slinging a casual arm around Tony’s shoulder, saying..
I’m so proud of you.
No, Tony thought resolutely, no alcohol.
(Besides, if you do it, you know Steve’ll be disappointed, a traitorous part of his mind whispered (If you even find him, a worse part whispered back))
(Poor little rich boy, still always seeking validation)
Had Tony mentioned he really hated his own mind?
His gaze trailed all the bottles, vodka, whiskey, wine, beer, his mind supplying him immediately with the percentages of alcohol and how much he’d need to get seriously hammered. He caught eye of the alcohol free beer, and his hand hesitantly reached for that, maybe he’d be able to fool himself it was the real thing...
A noise stopped him in his tracks.
It was obviously the sound of the door opening.
Tony had jumped away from the bottle on instinct, reflexes of years of not wanting to be caught doing whatever he shouldn’t be doing kicking in.
Tony was about to ask if that was JARVIS when he heard the soft footsteps hesitantly tapping around the aisles.
JARVIS didn’t walk.
His heart had begun pounding immediately, so loudly he was convinced the person who’d just come in could hear, his whole body was thrumming with tension and his breathing quickened.
Jesus, he hadn’t even been this nervous facing Dr. Doom.
(Yeah, but then you still had the rest backing you...)
Shut up, stupid mind!
Tony blinked a few times.
Focus, Stark! Not the time!
Tony silently crept to the end of the aisle, his footsteps barely noticeable. He carefully peeked around, but saw no one. Tony tiptoed further into a part with a dozens kinds of chips, and pressed his back to the aisle, Tony saw the door from the corner of his eye, but the person must’ve already walked further.
Footsteps echoed on the floor, not exactly unconcerned, but the person obviously wasn’t expecting to find anyone here. Tony tensed as they moved closer, and almost sighed in relief when they moved away again.
”Sir, are you alright?”, JARVIS’ voice in his ear almost made him jump a foot in the air, and he barely avoided slamming against the aisle.
Tony listened for the footsteps, but they’d stopped, Tony waited with baited breath, till they started again.
”Fine, J”, he whispered as quietly as he could.
”To be quite frank with you sir, I don’t believe that for a minute, shall I come in?”, JARVIS’ prim voice said.
”No!”, Tony whispered-screamed, then a quieter, “fuck”
The person had stopped walking.
”Who’s there?”, they called out, the voice was probably female, with just the slightest hint of an accent, but it was trembling slightly. The woman was afraid, Tony realised.
Please don’t notice me, please don’t notice me, please don’t..
”I said, who’s there!?”, the voice was stronger now, gaining confidence, and the accent was more prominent, southern, Tony realised numbly.
C’mon Stark, think, what can you do that doesn’t end with JARVIS going in and shooting her?
”Sir”, JARVIS said insistently in his ear.
”I got this, alright”, Tony hissed into the earpiece, and taking a deep breath, he stepped out of the aisle, hands raised in the air.
”Don’t shoot”, he said, looking at the shotgun the woman held in her hands, but it wasn’t needed, she already had lowered it.
”Are you alright?”, she asked, and Tony almost bristled, he didn’t look that bad, but maybe this could be an advantage. Surely she wouldn’t shoot a semi-old, haggard looking man.
He took a look at the woman, she was young, early twenties, just an inch shorter than Tony himself, pretty, with her short brown hair, green eyes and prominent cheekbones. Probably a farm girl, with her flannel and tank top. Inexperienced, her hold on the shotgun wasn’t one that spoke of much practice, and the second that he’d seen her stance it hadn’t been the normal shooting stance you’d learn with a shotgun.
If she’d encountered any more than two walkers she wouldn’t have stood a chance.
”Yeah, I’m just looking for some food, okay? No need for... that”, Tony gestured at the rifle, deliberately making his voice softer, less threatening. He was just glad the arc reactor was hidden by the jacket JARVIS had procured for him.
”Do you need help? You don’t look very good”, she lowered the shotgun entirely and walked towards him, but he took a couple steps backward.
”No, no, I’m fine”, he directed the message both to the girl, and the A.I. listening in, just to be sure he clutched his arc reactor, hoping JARVIS would get it, because right now he was kind of scared he’d jump with the iron man suit and traumatize the poor girl.
Unfortunately the girl saw the gesture as something else.
”Are you hurt there, sir?”, she said, walking towards him again and reaching out for his chest, “My father is a doctor, he could help you”
”No, I’m fine”, Tony said, turning away from the girl, still clutching the arc reactor and actually kind of panicking now.
Jesus Christ, where did the man go that could smooth talk himself out of any situation?
”Sir”, JARVIS started again in his ear piece, “Your heart rate rising is rising, are you sure you don’t want any assistance?”
”I am fine”, Tony repeated, not sure if he was talking to the girl, JARVIS or himself.
Why had he thought this had been a good idea, he hadn’t talked to people in months and if he’d just ran out of the store he wouldn’t have been talking to someone now, feeling like he was actually going to die.
He wanted Steve, Steve had always been able to talk him out of these panic attacks, had always known just the right thing to say, or had known when he didn’t have to say anything at all, just pull Tony closer, stroke his hair. Tony would usually fall asleep on Steve when he’d calmed down, and he’d never have nightmares then. Then he’d wake up, and wander into the kitchen and find someone already there, he’d be given a smile, a greeting, he’d laugh, and the panic would’ve all ebbed away.
He wanted his family.
The grief that suddenly struck him brought him down on his knees, and the sob that tore through him was terrible.
Wow, couldn’t I have been pushed to my breaking point not in front of a stranger?
Then Tony passed out.