Chapter Text
Your name is JOHN EGBERT and you are 5 years old! You are basically super grown up now, you're in kindergarten and everything! You are currently sitting in the time out chair because some kid said your eyes were weird and you punched him. He was being really mean and you tried to tell your teacher Mr. Nitram that but he said hitting is bad. You are a little worried that your dad won't be proud of you anymore.
When you get picked up by your dad, he does give you a stern look and say not to use your fist but your words. But he will always be proud of you! He sits you down and tells you that sometimes people can be mean when other people are different than them. But you should always treat other people with respect. Your dad also tells you that even though you were adopted and look different from him he loves you more than anything in the world! He gives you a big hug and you feel a lot better. You feel pretty proud of being part of a grown-up talk like that. Even better your dad even got you an ice cream on the way to your piano lesson!
-
You are 7 years old and in grade 2! You also just met this new kid at your school who talks funny. He wears really dumb shades that are all pointy but you don't say anything because you don't want to be a big meanie. You see him sitting by himself at recess. You don't want him to be lonely so you walk over and sit down next to him.
"Hi! I'm John. You want to be friends?" The new guy frowns at you and doesn't say anything. You offer him a cinnamon bun from your ghost busters lunch box. Ghostbusters is the best!
He stares at you from behind his shades and after a moment takes your cinnamon bun and grunts a small thanks. You scoot a bit closer to him.
"what's your name?" You ask.
"… Dave" He chews on the bun quietly.
Unconcerned you rustle around in your lunchbox again and pull out some gushers. You throw them up in the air and catch it with your mouth.
"You got weird eyes." Dave says after a while.
Your gusher bounces off your glasses and falls on the ground.
"…"
You're not gonna cry. You're 7 years old, your too big to cry about stupid kids being mean about your eyes. You sniffle and scrub at your face.
"My dad says they make me look handsome." You grit out. Your ultramarine blue eyes are glittering even more than normal from unshed tears. Almost glowing in the spring sunlight.
"Its ok we match." Dave says quietly and lowers his dumb pointy shades.
A loud gasp escapes you as bright scarlet eyes blink at you.
"Not so loud dumbass." Dave grumps at you as he pushes his shades back on his face.
"Your shades are dumb." You pout but you're not actually mad, he is like you!
"Did you get it from your mum or your dad?" Dave asks, safely behind his glasses again.
"Get what?"
"You know…" Dave makes a vague gesture with his hand. "like your eyes and stuff."
"Oh." You think a second. "I don't have a mom and my dad's eyes are brown." you say simply.
"Oh…" Dave stares at his feet looking uncomfortable.
You throw a gusher at Dave. He is still as a statue so you wrap your arms around Dave and give him a hug. He tenses up all rigid like your neighbor's cat when it sees a dog. You giggle a bit at the thought and pat his head like you do to the cat. He relaxes in your arms and slowly, almost like he didn't know how, hugs you back.
You feel really happy! You made a new friend and you feel like you could run a mile. You're gonna be bestest friends, you know it!
-
You are DAVE STRIDER and you are 11 years old. You are definitely not running across the playground to meet up with John for lunch time. It's a cool stroll at a chill pace. You're like a middle aged house wife who is power walking. Hold my latte Karen, little Timmy needs his fuckin inhaler. You are stopped just past the swing set by some chick in pigtails.
"Hi Dave!" she giggles.
You give her a curt nod. "Sup."
You wait impatiently as pigtail girl is overcome with some more giggles. They always get all twitter pated after music class with you. You fuckin told Bro to give you a note to get out of music time. For any excuse to get out of the freaking embarrassment of everyone tripping over their dicks to listen to your melodious goddamn singing voice. You're in middle school, you don't have your allure on lock yet, and Bro is a shit brained sadist that pops pedo boners over embarrassing you.
Pigtails seems to get a hold of herself. "I'm having a party this weekend. Would you ask John if he wanted to come, pretty please." She batts her eyelashes at you.
Well shit on a flaming jalapeno, she wants you to play match maker for her.
"You are of course welcome too." She adds quickly. Like she's afraid of hurting your delicate fefes.
Your feeling fucking peachy. People just gotta step off your John. He gets upset trying to let people down easy "cause he's to fuckin friendly and full of sunshine to just flat out reject them. So you step up to bat for him. The asshole has even less control over his allure than you do!
"John and I are busy." You say and quickly sidestep her.
"You can think about it!" She calls after you.
"keep dreaming." You mutter under your breath. You're not bitter, and it certainly doesn't have anything to do with you being madly in love with your BFF. Not even a little bit.
"Dave! What took you so long?" John waves at you from your lunch hour hiding spot.
You shrug. "You know fighting the ladies off with a stick everywhere I go gets time consuming." You drop down to sit beside John. He unconsciously shuffles flush against your side. You'd think he was starving if you didn't know he just is that much of a puppy dog for affection.
John rolls his eyes at you, but he's laughing.
"If anyone asks, we have plans on the weekend." You say, aiming for casual but probably hitting closer to disgruntled and mildly constipated. He makes you lose your cool just by breathing. How is that even fair?
"Oh! I was actually gonna ask if you wanted to go to my piano recital this weekend!" He gives you the patented big sunny smile.
Christ on canapé, would you love to go with him. Watching your oldest, best and only friend, dancing his elegant fingers across a Steinway grand. It's enough to make your kokoro explode… which is why you can't go. Last time you went your emotions bubbled up so hard you gave yourself a stomach ache for 3 days. Bro pissed himself laughing as you camped on the couch rolling in agony. The fuckin ass dandruff retrograde.
"Shit man. I don't thing I can stomach your mad piano fervor. Your too intense bro."
"What do you mean numbnuts? You talking about my “sick piano flair" again. I'm not that bad at piano" John says.
"Believe me dude, I know you got the goods." You flop down on your back with a huff, missing the look of bewilderment on Johns slender face.
"You're such a weirdo sometimes." John huffs and shoves a bottle of apple juice at you.
-
You are JOHN EGBERT and you are15 years old. It just so happens that tomorrow is your birthday. You are currently hiding in your room to try and escape the sweet miasma wafting through the house as your dad bakes his third batch of cupcakes. You told your dad that you're not having a party and you don't want cake, but of course, he refuses to listen.
You asked your dad to have your birthday supper early so you could go to Dave's house after school tomorrow and spend the night there. It will mean hanging with your best friend and less cake being shoved down your throat! It's win win.
Dad still bakes 5 dozen cupcakes and dumps them off at Dave's house on his way to work. At least you managed to convince him that bringing the cupcakes to school would cause you do die of social humiliation.
-
"I can't even imagine what you would look like if you had a human metabolism, your such a gangly string bean despite all the shit your dad shoves down your throat." Dave says with a mouth full of cupcake. There is some blue frosting on his nose.
"This shit is like crack, and I am the poor college dropout who had such a bright future but if a fit of teenaged angst said sure john ill have a cinnamon roll. Next thing you know I stole my mom's purse and sold the TV jonesing for that one last sweet sweet hit to scratch that fuckin sugar itch. But is it ever the last one John? No! I am your cupcake whore John, reduced to begging sweet ol' Mrs. Crocker, "Please just one cup o" sugar, my daughter has a bake sale tomorrow." But she knows I don't have a daughter. It's just me on the street corner trading blowies for goddamn cake mix!"
You roll your eyes at Dave and start combing your fingers through his hair. Even his faux tension drains away at your touch. It makes you feel warm and sated, you love having a friend as good as Dave. Even if he is always cracking dumb jokes about your “demonic" eating habits.
"Ugh, at least he started branching out from pastries to actual food occasionally." You are an eternally skinny waif no matter how much your dad tries to "put some meat on your bones " He picks a new style of cuisine every couple months. Luckily, he is an amazing cook and you do eat like any normal teenaged boy. That is to say anything that looks remotely edible doesn't last more than 15 min in the house. Your dad always waxes poetic about his "growing boy with a hearty appetite." He has a point though, the only people you know that eat like you do are the Striders.
"Like you and Bro can talk." you say as you lean forward from your spot under Dave's bony chicken legs, to lick the frosting off his dumb face. "The two of you are perpetual garbage disposals of fast food and sugary drinks. I haven't seen anything edible in your cupboards sense you moved here! I have a theory that Strider stomachs are the entrance to a pocket dimension."
"Not all of us are suburban pampered princess"
His smirks turns into a grimace at the wet slobber trail you leave across his nose. He swipes his finger across the top of another cupcake and wipes it across your cheek.
"you're such a catty bitch, you live 15 minutes away from my house." you laugh and wipe your gross sugar slimed cheek against Dave's face. "besides your bro is loaded with all his dirty puppet money."
Bro chooses that moment to come out of his room to restock on cupcakes. He raises an eyebrow over the line of his shades at the two of you. Twin shrugs is the only reply he gets. Bro snorts grabs a tray and retreats back to his room.
-
You are DIRK STRIDER BRO and you think you want one more cupcake before you go out to get some real food. those cupcakes make you feel like your shootin rainbows outta your asshole. You would like to thank not only Twilight Sparkle but also Puppet Jesus that human food has no bearing on your physique. Being a supernatural entity has some perks to it.
Your customary source of sustenance is nothing you'd kick outta bed either. You're in the mood for that heady high that comes from a room packed full of people riding on the pure ecstasy only your beats can provide. You don't even need your allure to get them there but it kicks their intensity up that last notch to make for an ambrosial feast. Your feeling decadent tonight.
You see Dave and his friend pass each other Dave handing John a towel for his shower, Dave the shit, drippin water like a shaggy dog.
"The way your hangin off that kid he's gonna be 300lbs before you two graduate, don't want him to loose his twink charm now do you? What will you jack off too every night?" You throw a towel at Daves head.
"The fuck you talkin bout, ya creepy fuck." Dave grumbles from under the towel. He must be flustered to be so pithy.
"Or you savin it all up for him, a big feast for the both of ya. You need some lube? Condoms? Just ‘cause we don't get human diseases don't mean easy clean up aint nice."
Dave shifts like he was going to run his hand through his hair but thought better of it. He mumbles something, you can hear it but that aint no fun. Your favorite snack is little bro embarrassment.
"Little man, I changed your diapers, no need to be embarrassed. It's not the size that counts but how you swing your katana."
"I don't think he's manifested yet." Dave says a little louder. His ears are turning pink.
"Aww, our sweet little sex demon is a late bloomer."
Shit that is actually adorable. Too bad your bro has dibs, or else you would be defiling John faster than a rabbit in heat. Teach him just how transcendental fucking another psi demon can be. As much as he"s a shit head you'll respect your little bros crush.
You hear the shower water turn off. Fuck that kid had the fastest shower you"ve ever thought physically possible.
"keep your fuckin voice down skid mark." Dave huffs.
"Just don't go getting him prego and have some mutant incu-siren children before I get back I'm not ready to be a grandpa."
"Who is going to be a grandpa?" John asks, moping his hair with a towel. "Never mind lets get some food food. Can we order curry?"
You raise a questioning eyebrow at Dave, but he's too busy staring slack jawed at the water dripping down Egberts neck.
"I left some dirty puppet money on the microwave. I'm out, had enough of the dorky dyad. Goin to get some real food."
You hear John ask if you don't like curry as you shut the door behind you.