Chapter Text
If this is the moment I stand here on my own
If this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid
But it’s my turn to be brave
-Brave, Idina Menzel
Remus Lupin was an avid people-watcher. It probably stemmed from the fact that he wasn’t allowed to interact with most people for fear of them finding out he’d been infected with lycanthropy when he was five years old, but he truly enjoyed watching people go about their lives and trying to figure out something about them from their actions. Platform 9 ¾ was especially interesting because Remus had never seen so much other children at once. He supposed he had played with the neighborhood kids before he was bitten, but after that his parents spread the news that his immune system was weak and he couldn’t leave the house much. He loved Hope and Lyall as much as anyone could love their parents, yet he’d grown very lonely with no company but theirs over the last six years.
That was why Remus couldn’t believe his luck when Albus Dumbledore showed up at the Lupins’ secluded house in the woods outside of Cardiff to offer him a place at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. His mother, a Muggle, had been thrilled that someone was finally willing to see past the lycanthropy, but his father had been more hesitant until Dumbledore convinced him that extreme measures would be taken to keep Remus and the other students safe during full moons.
So now Remus stood in front of the scarlet Hogwarts Express with his parents and his battered trunk. There were groups of older students without parents who looked so at ease, students who clearly wanted to get away from their parents and join their friends, and students (mostly first years) who clung terrified to the adults with them. Remus wasn’t sure where he fell in all of this. He did know, though, that he already felt quite uncomfortable in his patchy robes and worn sneakers. No one on the platform came close to looking as shabby as he did; his parents didn’t have much thanks to his condition costing Lyall Lupin his job and forcing them to move all the time, so he didn’t dare mention how embarrassed he was to them.
“Well, love, this is where we leave you,” said his mother, drawing him into a tight hug. Remus patted her on the back for a bit and pulled away when she took too long to let go. He was mortified to see that tears were welling up in her eyes.
“Mum, it’s alright…” he mumbled. He never did know what to do when people cried around him. Hope wiped her eyes quickly and kissed the top of his head, though she was quite short and they were nearly the same height. Lyall thumped him on the back and ruffled his hair affectionately.
“You’ll do great, son,” he said encouragingly. “Just…write us after your…your episodes, alright? Let us know how they go and if we need to make other arrangements.”
“It’ll be fine, Dad.” Remus was aware that Lyall still didn’t trust Dumbledore’s plan to keep him safe, but there was no way Remus was giving up this opportunity. Whatever the old man had in place would have to work. Remus was determined to enjoy himself this year and maybe even feel normal for once.
Sirius Black made sure he got away from his parents as soon as possible. On the platform, his mother Walburga fiddled with his new robes and the Black family crest badge she’d pinned on until she was satisfied with how her eldest son looked, all while his father Orion looked on dutifully and kept a firm hand on his younger brother Regulus’s shoulder. Sirius squirmed and complained until she finally let him go. She told him how proud they would be to see him wear Slytherin green, Orion shook his hand without any words, and Sirius hugged Regulus tightly while promising to write often before he dashed off with his silver trunk. He felt slightly guilty about leaving Regulus behind, but tried to tell himself that the younger golden child would be fine for a few months without him as he strode through the corridor to look for an empty compartment.
A distraction from his worries over Regulus came in the form of a bespectacled boy with messy black hair named James Potter. The scrawny kid had knocked past him as he raced through the hall and only stopped when Sirius called out, “Hey you prat, you’re just lucky I haven’t practiced any good hexes lately!” James Potter turned around with the largest smile on his face and replied, “So you know some good ones then?”
For a moment, Sirius was pleased with himself for making a friend already. They found a compartment with a red-headed girl and a boy with greasy black hair who seemed like a bit of a git in Sirius’s opinion. James seemed alright, though, and he was from a pureblooded family – except blood status didn’t matter no matter what his mother said, Sirius reminded himself. Things turned sour momentarily when James learned that his new friend was a Black who figured he was headed for Slytherin, but Sirius saved himself by saying he hoped he ended up in Gryffindor (James’s preferred house). Their other companions didn’t last long, as the red-headed girl seemed offended by James’s very existence, but they were soon joined by a short chubby boy named Peter Pettigrew and Sirius was even more pleased that he’d made a second friend.
“Fancy a game of gobstones?” asked Peter eagerly once they’d finished introductions and established that they all wanted to be in Gryffindor. “My mum got me a new set last Christmas in case I wanted to join the club.”
“I’m going to try out for Quidditch next year,” said James proudly. Sirius noticed that he didn’t actually answer the intended question, but Peter was now looking at James with great admiration and didn’t seem to mind. Still, Sirius thought he would be the better person and offer to play a game with Peter. Walburga always told him he was too selfish after all; perhaps he could change that while away at Hogwarts.
“Hey, Peter, I’ll –” Except Sirius’s well-meaning offer was cut off by the compartment door being pulled open very abruptly. All three of their heads whipped to see what was going on. A tall skinny boy wearing very scruffy robes stood in the doorway.
“Sorry,” the boy mumbled. “Um…I can go away if you want. But…well, I can’t find anywhere else to sit and I thought maybe I could…” He motioned with his hand a little to indicate that he wanted to join them, though he wouldn’t make eye contact with any of them. Sirius felt a pang of pity for this boy and wondered if the reason he couldn’t find a place to sit was because no one would let him join them. He did look very rough with his threadbare clothes, his pale complexion, and horrible dark circles under his eyes that made it seem as if he hadn’t had a proper’s night sleep in his life. But Sirius found he didn’t mind any of that.
“Sure, there’s room,” he said casually. His eyes darted over to James, then Peter, and neither of them seemed to want to protest. The boy sighed in relief and went to put his trunk in the luggage rack. It was clearly very heavy for him and he swayed as he tried to lift it, so James stood up quickly to help him.
“Thanks,” said the boy shyly. He sat in the empty seat next to Peter.
“I’m Sirius Black,” said Sirius with a smile. The boy frowned.
“Black? Who’s serious?” he asked in confusion. Sirius and James burst into laughter; Peter joined in with a nervous giggle, as if he was still afraid to be part of their group.
“Me,” replied Sirius. “That’s my name: Sirius Black. S-I-R-I-U-S. Like the star. It’s a weird family tradition, naming kids after stars. And this is James Potter and that’s Peter Pettigrew. What’s your name?”
“Remus Lupin.”
“And you’re making fun of his name?” said James incredulously. Sirius elbowed him, which was received with a pitiful “ow.” To his surprise, though, Remus Lupin laughed at that.
“Yeah, I suppose I didn’t have room to talk, did I?” he chuckled. Maybe it was just Sirius, but something about the mood in the compartment seemed to lighten now that Remus was smiling. They finally played that game of gobstones Peter had suggested – Remus beat all of them every time – and when the trolley came around they stuffed themselves on chocolate frogs and pumpkin pasties, courtesy of James who had been given a whole bag of pocket change for the term. For a short time, Sirius felt what he presumed to be true happiness for the first time in his life.
Unfortunately, Sirius’s happiness was replaced with nerves as soon as they arrived at Hogwarts and were herded into little boats by a great big man named Hagrid to take them across the black lake. From there, they clustered into the corridor outside the Great Hall until Professor Minerva McGonagall came to take them in for the Sorting. Sirius heard the awed gasps of the students around him as they saw the enchanted ceiling and floating candles for the first time, but he found he was too scared to be impressed by anything Hogwarts had to offer. He’d had so much fun on the train with his three new friends and now it was all about to be ruined. He would be put into Slytherin where he belonged while James made it into his beloved Gryffindor, Remus’s brains landed him in Ravenclaw, and Peter was reluctantly thrown into Hufflepuff. Then they would never talk again and Sirius would be alone for the next seven years, surrounded by people who were just like his family – and some of his actual family as well, since Andromeda was a seventh year and Narcissa was a sixth year. He would like to be around Andromeda, as she was his favorite cousin, but Narcissa would be a nightmare…
“Black, Sirius!” Sirius almost missed his name being called, he was so deep in his own thoughts. James gave him an enthusiastic thumbs-up as he made his way up to the stool and Remus gave him a shy smile. His stomach sank miserably as he hopped onto the stool and allowed McGonagall to place the battered Sorting Hat on his head.
“Ah, another Black…I suppose this will be another simple Slytherin Sorting, hm?” said the hat. Sirius was afraid of that. “Unless…there is something more here. Something your predecessors did not have. You are brave, Sirius Black, and there is a clear devotion to those you love. A mischievous side, yes, but all harmless and all in good fun. Perhaps…perhaps you would do better elsewhere.”
Sirius did not believe his ears when the hat shouted out “GRYFFINDOR!” He did not register the wave of silence that went over the room as he numbly joined the table sporting scarlet and gold instead of green and silver. He missed the pride in Andromeda’s eyes and the poison in Narcissa’s because he did not dare look over to the table of his should-be house.
Sirius Black got exactly what he wanted and yet he knew he was going to pay deeply for it.
“Lupin, Remus!” Truthfully, Remus hadn’t put all that much thought into which House he wanted to be Sorted into. He told James Gryffindor on the train, but that was only because James was looking at him so intensely that Remus feared for his life if he showed interest in any other House. Of course, Gryffindor would be nice, but he would settle for any House seeing as he was lucky to be at Hogwarts at all. His dad had been in Ravenclaw. That would be alright with Remus.
Still, as he had the hat placed on his head, Remus found himself drawn to Gryffindor again for the sole purpose of making sure Sirius was alright. He’d looked horrified when the hat put him in Gryffindor; for the rest of the Sorting thus far Remus kept looking back to check on him, and he was sitting at the table by himself looking empty and afraid. He liked Sirius a lot, though he’d only known him for a few hours, and he wanted to help in any way he could.
“Well, well, well! It’s been years since I had a Lupin,” said the hat. Remus hoped all this was in his head. He didn’t want the whole school hearing what the hat had to say about him, especially if his lycanthropy was mentioned. “There are plenty of brains here – you’d do well in Ravenclaw. Still, I see kindness…a desire to prove yourself…fierce loyalty. You are difficult, Remus Lupin. I could put you anywhere and I believe you would thrive. But there is the problem of housemates who will accept you – housemates who will trust you and love you no matter what you are. Yes, I think one stands out from the rest.”
“GRYFFINDOR!” Standing, Remus felt both relieved and nervous. He was happy to go sit across from Sirius and smile encouragingly at him, but a sense of dread filled him when he thought of the hat’s comments on his housemates’ acceptance. Could the hat see the future? Were his classmates going to eventually figure out that he was a werewolf? No, he told himself firmly. It’s just a stupid hat. You aren’t going to tell them, so they’ll never find out.
Peter was feeling extremely anxious as the list of names to be Sorted came closer and closer to his. On the train, he couldn’t believe his luck that he’d made three friends so quickly. Not only that, but Sirius and James were so cool. Remus seemed like the type of boy who would have been nice to Peter in primary school, but James Potter and Sirius Black were definitely out of his league in terms of friendship. He wanted to stay friends with all of them, but Remus and Sirius were already Sorted into Gryffindor and there was no way James wouldn’t be. Peter expected he’d land himself in Hufflepuff or something. He wasn’t brave enough to be in Gryffindor. Sure, he’d make new friends in Hufflepuff, but they would not be as great as James and Sirius.
“Pettigrew, Peter!” Peter nearly squeaked at his name being called and tripped over his robes as he made his way to the stool. Laughter rang out around him; he felt his face redden and was grateful when the hat covered his eyes. Not even an hour into the school year and he was already embarrassing himself.
“Ah, Pettigrew, isn’t it? A difficult one to place,” said the hat. Peter sighed. He knew this wouldn’t be easy. “You could fit anywhere and nowhere all at the same time. There is some bravery and the chance to be loyal – yes, believe it or not, you could go to Gryffindor. But there is a thirst for greatness, a willingness to do whatever you must, that would fit well in Slytherin. Ravenclaw, well, that may be an easy decision to cancel out – I’m afraid the brains and desire for knowledge just aren’t there – but your kindness and work ethic are very Hufflepuff traits…”
The deliberation seemed to go on for hours, though it was surely only a matter of minutes in the end. Peter was starting to squirm by the time the hat made any progress at all on the decision. It told Peter it was going to pick the House that would steer Peter in the right direction, keep him out of the trouble he might find elsewhere, and then it shouted out “GRYFFINDOR!” He could not believe his luck as he stumbled off the stool with a stupid grin on his face and went to join Sirius and Remus. These kinds of things just didn’t happen for Peter – he almost never got what he hoped for. Maybe Hogwarts wouldn’t be so bad after all.
James Potter watched each student before him, including three of his new friends, go to be Sorted looking like they might piss themselves – Peter especially so, and it had taken the hat five whole minutes to finally put him in Gryffindor. That was a bit of a surprise, as James was sure the short plump boy would end up in Hufflepuff, but it was just fine with him because he knew he was going to end up in Gryffindor and now his three best mates would there with him. Plus that pretty red-headed girl Lily Evans…he only hoped the slimy git that had been sitting with her on the train was thrown somewhere else.
“Potter, James!” James waltzed confidently up to the stool and smiled brilliantly at Professor McGonagall, whose severe expression did not change to match his cheer. She dropped the hat over his eyes, and James waited for the inevitable.
“Potter – I’ve been waiting for another one of those for years! Your father was easy to place and I expect you will be, too…” The hat had been on James’s head for no more than thirty seconds when it bellowed out “GRYFFINDOR!”
Though he had been telling anyone who would listen for the last three years that he was going to be in Gryffindor, James was relieved as he joined the sea of gold and scarlet. He couldn’t wait to send an owl to his parents in the morning – Fleamont Potter would be beside himself with pride that his son was in his House, as would his mother even if she was a Ravenclaw herself. It was a nice feeling as he sat next to Sirius with Remus and Peter across from them. Still, he couldn’t help but notice that Sirius looked a little glum.
“You alright, mate?” he asked in a whisper as the Sorting continued. Sirius shrugged, avoiding eye contact, and swept a curly lock off his forehead.
“I’m right pleased to be in Gryffindor, but my parents won’t be when they hear,” he said. Clearly he was trying to be casual about it, but there was an obvious hint of fear in his voice. James chanced a glance at the other two across from them. Peter was absorbed in the Sorting – Severus Snape, the slimy git, had just been put in Slytherin – but Remus at least was invested in Sirius, worry tugging at his forehead.
“So don’t tell them?” suggested James. Sirius barked out a sarcastic laugh, earning him hushes and glares from some of the older Gryffindors around them.
“It’s not that simple, Potter. Even if I don’t tell them, my awful cousin will. I bet you anything Cissy will be sending out an owl first thing in the morning just in case I get any ideas about keeping this a secret,” spat Sirius angrily. James was a little lost for words. He knew the Blacks were a haughty old family, keen on bloodlines and very prejudiced, but it sounded like Sirius really hated his family and James had no experience with that. It had only ever been him and his parents, but he loved them dearly and he knew they’d be proud no matter what House he was in. Sirius, on the other hand, could be in a lot of trouble for not being in Slytherin.
“Who’d want to be in Slytherin anyway?” said Peter, finally joining in as the Sorting came to a close. “Then you’d have to share a room with Snape, and doesn’t he seem horrible?”
Sirius and James both grinned at that, but someone else near them did not appreciate it as much.
“Excuse me, but that’s my friend you’re talking about and seeing as you don’t know him at all I don’t think you should be making rude judgements like that,” said Lily Evans coldly from her place next to Sirius. Peter reddened and mumbled an apology. James wasn’t going to let it go so easily.
“You’re right, Evans, we don’t know him very well,” said James thoughtfully. “But he wasn’t very pleasant on the train. So which do you think would be a better bonding technique for us – the Bat Bogey Hex or the Jelly Legs Jinx?”
Lily made a sound of disgust. “Potter, you are a toerag!” James laughed as she got up in a huff and moved to sit on the other side of Mary Macdonald, another first year. He was a little sorry that he’d upset her because he was quite interested in her, but not sorry enough to visibly care. He’d make it up to her later and they would be friends by the end of term – hopefully.
After an odd but cheerful speech from Headmaster Dumbledore to welcome them to school and mounds of the most delicious food James had ever tasted (which was truly saying something because his mother was an excellent cook), the first year Gryffindors were shown to their dorms by the fifth-year prefects Caradoc Dearborn and Emmeline Vance. Their trunks were already placed at the foot of their beds; James noticed that Remus’s was very battered while Sirius’s was in impeccable shape and decorated with his family’s silver crest.
“Going to try to blast that off?” asked James, pointing at the trunk. Sirius rolled his eyes.
“Tried already mate,” he said grimly. “My mother put some sort of protective charm on it. Damn woman.”
Sirius got a Howler the next morning at breakfast. A regal snowy owl plopped the red envelope right into his porridge bowl and took off without any acknowledgement. Remus, who had thus far stayed rather quiet around his new friends, watched as he picked it up carefully and stared dismally at it. Everyone around them was looking.
“Best open it, mate,” advised James. “Won’t be pretty if it explodes on you.”
Sirius nodded and swallowed. He ripped open the top of the envelope and –
“SIRIUS ORION BLACK THE THIRD! YOU HAVE BROUGHT DISGRACE AND SHAME UPON OUR FAMILY! A GRYFFINDOR AMONGST THOUSANDS OF YEARS IN NOBLE SLYTHERIN! YOUR FATHER AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE DISAPPOINTED, NEVER MORE ASHAMED TO HAVE YOU AS A SON! AND A COWARD, TOO, LETTING YOUR DEAR COUSIN NARCISSA WRITE FIRST! YOU DISHONOR THE MOST NOBLE AND ANCIENT HOUSE OF BLACK! THERE IS FILTH TAINTING YOUR PURE BLOOD!”
The screaming was over sooner than Remus thought it would be, and then the envelope ripped itself into shreds. The spectators were stunned into silence; even the teachers were looking nervously at Gryffindor table. Sirius looked pale and shaky for only a moment before he rearranged his face and joked about what a crazy old bat his mother was. Still, Remus saw him glance at the Slytherin table where Narcissa looked smug and Andromeda looked sympathetic.
Their first day quickly overshadowed Sirius’s Howler as McGonagall came around with schedules for each Gryffindor. It seemed they had Potions first, much to Remus’s dismay. He already knew that was one subject he’d be rubbish at. Hope had tried to teach him to cook in the last year to give him something to do while he was cooped up inside and it had gone abysmally; frankly, he thought his parents should be grateful he hadn’t burned down the house. He didn’t see how brewing a potion would be any easier than making a roast dinner.
The first class didn’t actually involve any potion brewing, though, which made Remus much more optimistic about the rest of the day. Sure, James and Sirius had gotten Gryffindor docked ten points when they threw balls of parchment at Severus Snape’s head, but that was merely a hazard of having Potions with the Slytherins. Transfiguration with McGonagall was very interesting, despite how nervous the impending workload seemed to make Peter, and Charms was alright too. By dinnertime, Remus was quite tired from their first day (it didn’t help that the full moon was that Sunday) and very much looking forward to curling up in his four-poster for a good night’s sleep.
He slept solidly until around one o’clock in the morning. At first, he wasn’t surprised to find that he was awake – his sleep schedule often got messed up around moons – but as Remus was trying to fall back asleep he realized there was something that might’ve woken him up. Sirius was muttering from his bed. The words fluctuated between loud and soft, but he sounded upset and Remus caught bits of “No, don’t…don’t, please don’t hurt me…”
Remus supposed he wouldn’t be getting much sleep so long as he could hear Sirius and anyway waking him up seemed like the kind thing to do, so he slipped out of bed and tiptoed over to the other boy’s bed. When he pulled the thick red curtains aside, Sirius was twisted up in his sheets as his body thrashed, soaked in sweat, and his face was screwed up as if in pain. Remus wondered how well the curtains blocked noise because he looked like he was having a far worse dream than it had seemed from across the room, and James and Peter weren’t bothered by it at all with their own curtains shut.
“I swear I didn’t…it wasn’t my fault…NO, PLEASE!” Remus reached out a hand to shake Sirius awake when his last scream seemed to do the job itself and he bolted straight up. He looked wildly about as he gathered his surroundings, ran a hand through his dark hair, and then jumped when he finally noticed Remus frozen in place beside his bed.
“Sorry!” yelped Remus before Sirius could say anything. “I just…you were having a nightmare and I heard and I thought I should wake you up, but then you woke yourself up.”
Sirius sighed. “Right. Thanks, mate. Thought I’d stop having them when I got out of the house. Less material for my brain to turn into nightmares, you know.”
“Maybe it takes more than just two nights,” offered Remus. He’d gathered that Sirius’s parents were awful, but he was a little surprised to learn that this was a reoccurring thing thanks to his home life.
“Yeah, maybe.”
“Are you going to be alright?” asked Remus quietly. “Going back to sleep, I mean.”
Sirius shrugged. “Suppose so. Usually takes a while to fall back asleep – sometimes I just get up for the day if it’s after five – but I’ll manage,” he said. Remus knew it was time to go back to his own bed and try to salvage the last six or so hours until James’s alarm woke them all up, but he hesitated. It was hard for him to fall back asleep too, and if both of them were going to be awake…
“I could stay with you. If you wanted,” said Remus, though Merlin knew what possessed him to do so. Sirius looked surprised as well, but only for a moment. Then a shy smile crossed his face.
“Yeah, that’d be good,” he agreed. “I…I don’t always like to be alone after.”
Remus didn’t ask what he did at home after a nightmare when there was no one to comfort him. He didn’t often have nightmares himself, but he thought the morning after a transformation had to be close enough to waking up from one; he didn’t know what he would do without his father to help him to bed and his mother to care for him until he got his strength back. Of course, as Sirius scooted over and Remus climbed in next to him, he tried not to think about what he was. If Sirius knew he transformed into a horrible beast once a month, he’d be disgusted that he let Remus into his bed. Remus hoped his friends never discovered his secret, though, because it was quite nice to lay next to Sirius. They didn’t touch at all to keep any awkwardness at bay, but it was comforting just to have a warm body beside him.
“Are all your family horrible?” asked Remus in a whisper. It was a silly question to bring up at ten past one in the morning, yet he couldn’t help his curiosity.
“No,” replied Sirius. He sounded tired. “There’s my Uncle Alphard, he’s quite fun at the holidays. And you know that I get on with my cousin Andromeda. She hates the lot of them more than I do, I reckon. My brother Regulus is alright for now, but I expect Mother will turn him into a right little tosser before he gets to Hogwarts and I can corrupt him.”
That only left Remus with more questions, but he didn’t ask them. In just a few minutes, Sirius’s breathing evened out to indicate that he’d fallen asleep. Remus’s eyes were dropping, too, only he knew Sirius wouldn’t want James and Peter to see that they’d slept in the same bed. He didn’t want them to know either – it was something just between him and Sirius, so he used all the energy he had left to quietly climb out of the bed and tiptoe back to his own.