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“Happy birthday, Sam!” Max screams as he tosses a tub of what appears to be ice cream cake onto my desk. “Holy frozen elves with cavities and diabetes! Thanks, little buddy!” I exclaim as Max jumps up onto my desk. “I also got you a gift.” Max says slyly. “Where is it?” I ask. Max gestures to himself as he lays on his side. “It’s my body. Feel free to do anything you want to me, big boy.” Max says as he flutters his eyes. “Anything?” I ask. “Anything your filthy mind can think of!” Max whines. I push Max to the side and pull the ice cream cake closer to me.
“RUDE!” Max exclaims as he falls off my desk. “You got any candles, bone head?” I ask. “It’s funny that you mention the words bone and head right after what I just offered to you.” Max points out as he hands me several pink, glittery birthday candles. I take the candles from Max and stick them into the cake. “And I know you have a lighter around here somewhere.” I add. Max waddles over to his little desk and pulls out a lighter in the shape of a shotgun. “I originally thought we should skip the whole candle thing, but then I remember that fire is bad ass.” Max comments as he begins to light the candles.
“Hmm...what should I wish for?” I mumble to myself. “World peace?” Max tries. “We’d be out of a job then, little buddy.” I point out. “True, and world peace sounds sooooo boring!” Max nods. “Hmm maybe I should wish for you to shower more often?” I point out. “I know you love the way I smell, Sam. Don’t even try it.” Max shoots down. “...I guess I’ll just wish for more chaotic misadventures in which we blur the line between cartoon violence and crimes against god.” I shrug. “Or you could wish to kill god.” Max chimes in. “Maybe next year, little buddy.” I shrug as I blow out all but one of the candles on my cake that isn’t really a cake, but instead ice cream in the shape of a cake.
“Oh! You got a boyfriend…! YOU’RE CHEATING ON ME?!” Max screams. “Is it cheating if I share him with you?” I ask. Max gasps. “You’d share your birthday cake boyfriend with me?” Max asks, clearly touched. “Yeah, it’s like I love you or something.” I shrug. “Sam, that’s gay.” Max giggles. I look down at my wedding ring, then I look back to Max. “I would sure hope so! Especially after all those hot and steamy nights we shared together!” I recall fondly. “Again, I thought turning our bedroom into a steam room was a good idea only because you had that cold and would take ten showers a day!” Max defends. “We still have traces of water damage in our bedroom…” I sigh. “But hey, look at you now! You aren’t stuffed up any more!” Max points out.
“I can’t argue with that.” I shrug. That’s a lie, I could...but I really want to start digging into this ice cream cake. “So, how old are you now?” Max asks. “In dog or human years?” I joke as I pull out a knife from the wall and start to cut into the ice cream cake. I pick up the slice of ice cream cake that I just cut with my bare hand and begin to chow down. “Dog...years?” Max asks. I pause in the middle of my intense ice cream eating session. “...You know, for every one human year...seven dog years pass.” I tell. A worried expression takes over Sam’s- I mean, Max’s face.
“H-How long do dogs live for?” Max asks. “Ten to thirteen for bigger dogs.” I tell. A look of devastation over takes Max. “Is that dog or human years?” Max asks. “That’s human years.” I answer. “SO YOU COULD DIE ANY DAY NOW?!” Max cries. I think about how just last week some guy tried to stab me with a broken bottle while on the wing of a flying plane. “Frankly, I’m surprised I’m not dead yet. Especially when I sleep in the same bed as you.” I muse. “I don’t want you to die!” Max cries. Max is full on ugly crying. Tears, snot and all.
“H-Hey, little buddy. Are you okay?” I ask. “NO! YOU’RE GONNA DIE SOON!” Max cries. “...Is...Is that a threat?” I ask quietly. “NO! You’re gonna die of old age!” Max cries. I pick up max with my ice cream covered hands and put him on my lap. “Hey, shh shh shh. It’s fine, Max. I’m not gonna die of old age any time soon.” I comfort. “You’re not?” Max sniffles. “No. I’m more likely to die in some violent yet comically slapstick-esque way.” I tell. “But what if we do get to the point where we are old enough and you leave me behind?!” Max asks. “That’s also not likely.” I start. “How do you know that?” Max asks. “Max, we’re cartoon characters. We almost NEVER age.” I point out.
“Oh yeah! I totally forgot!” Max giggles as he slaps himself on his forehead. “How’d I forget that I can do this?!” Max asks as he stretches his head in horribly comedic ways. “How can anyone forget that they can do that?” I ask. “Maybe because they were worried about their husband’s possibly near death, Sam?” Max huffs. “Or maybe they’re a huge bucket head.” I retort. “Wow, way to make a man feel special, Sam.” Max grumbles. “It’s my birthday, Max. Not yours.” I point out. “Just eat your cake.” Max grunts as he shoves a hand full of said “cake” into my mouth. I make sure to move my tongue all over Max’s hand while it’s in my mouth. “...Are you being sexy or gross right now?” Max asks in a tone that sounds conflicted at best.
“With the two of us, those lines are blurred.” I wink. I take a hand full of ice cream cake and smash it onto Max’s face. “Sam, what the hell?! You never waste ice creEEEEEEAM!” Max exclaims as I lick the ice cream off his face. “Like you said, little buddy. I can use you however I want.” I point out. I lean in close to Max’s ear. “And I want to use you as my plate.” I whisper. “...Oh, you are being SO sexy right now.” Max sighs as I smash another piece of ice cream in his face.