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Hey, my name is Kyle Rayner-Jordan and, like everyone else, I’m gonna tell you my story.
I can start by telling you the basics, I’m a 20 years-old, bisexual, Puerto Rican with black hair, brown eyes and tan skin whose dad walked out on his family at the age of 6 and then lost his mom at the age of 8 due to something that he can’t remember. I was taken in by Hal Jordan and Carol Ferris-Jordan after a few months in a foster home. They, for the longest time would not tell me what compelled them to bring me into their family, but it was easy to figure out when a Green Lantern ring came out of the sky and chose me at the age of 13. I have a brother, he is Hal and Carrol’s biological kid, his name is Martin. He’s a sweet kid and is always understanding of my boundaries.
Speaking of boundaries, I have a lot of them. Not that I don’t like human interaction, I actually really like being around my friends and family. No, it-it’s just that something happened a few years ago.
I was 15, and I was walking home from school, it was late cause I had to stay for rehearsal, that’s to say that yes, I was in my high school’s musical. But I it wasn’t like I was acting or anything like that, I was in the pit playing to guitar. Anyway, as I was walking home, I was by myself and I had my headphones on listening to music, I didn’t have my ring on me because I never took it to school cause it would be way to obvious. And I’ve done this exact process before and everything was fine. I don’t know if I should’ve just been paying more attention, or maybe I should’ve brought my ring, or maybe I should’ve listened to Connor when we talked earlier that day and of just gone to his place instead. But I didn’t, and I made the decision to walk home. I didn’t notice the person that was following me, I wasn’t paying attention and they got me by surprise. I. Just. Don’t. Know…
I was 15 years old when I got pulled into an alley on my way home from school and was raped.
To this day I am still not sure who found me.
When I woke up, I was in a hospital. I could hear my dad angrily talking to who I could only assume were doctors. I could also see Barry and Oliver there, but I couldn’t hear what any of them were saying. I moved my head a little and I saw that Wally, Roy, Eliza, and Connor where all there in my hospital room with me. It was only logical that since I saw Barry and Oliver that their kids would be here too. I honestly, in that moment, couldn’t remember anything that had happened. It wasn’t till Roy noticed that I was wake and touched my arm that it all came flooding back. It was like a damn had broken in my mind and everything that it was repressing broke through. I cried and screamed, and it was all a mess. They had to sedate me to calm me down enough to not accidentally hurt myself.
The self-hatred that I had was at a whole different level than anything I have ever felt before. I felt bad for scarring Roy, but his touch felt like he had burned me, even though he was only trying to offer his comfort.
It wasn’t till after this incident that the doctors realized that I had developed Haphephobia, this is a big scientific term that, when simply put, means that I have a fear of being touched. I’ve learned to deal with it for the most part. Some people have even been able to touch me, like being able to hold my hand or hug me, kiss me, but that is about the extent of it. I don’t know if I am ever going to be able to be comfortable with the idea of sex ever again, and no one has judged or questioned that decision. It’s slow going, but it’s so much better then like when it all first happened. I was so scared to let anyone come anywhere near my bubble. I even stopped talking all together at one point. I was completely mute for 5 months after everything, after I let out that first scream. I was able to start talking to people again after I had a complete mental break down in front of Jason when he came to visit me once by himself. After that it wasn’t full on mutism that I had, but selective mutism. Really, that just means that I can only really talk to select people. People that have my trust.
Really now a days I mostly still don’t talk much, I use sign language to communicate with others and what was amazing is that when I was first learning others wanted to learn with me. Jay, Kenny, Eliza, Chris, Connor, even Dick, Wally, Roy, and Kara learned. My parents and Martin learned to. They would all tell me that if this was the way of communication that I felt most comfortable doing, then they would be damn sure to be able to still understand me and be able to respond to me. They even encouraged me to go to the same Art School that Jay and company go to. Jay’s dad even told my parents that he would cover all of the expenses for the school, so that they would not have to worry at all about the money, cause it is an expensive school. So, I sent in my portfolio and application and got accepted. Now I am majoring in Animation with a minor in music.
I love my family and my team and their families. Really, I don’t know where I would be if it were not for them and their patience. They have been such rocks in the hardest time of my life, and I don’t know how I am ever going to ever be able to repay them all for all of their kindness and love. I am especially thankful for Connor.
I love him. I really truly love him. He is my everything. And I know that we are only 20, but you know how some people get this feeling in their chest, that their heart knows something that their mind only just needs to realize? This is something that Wally would always tell me about Dick. That sometimes it just gets to the point where you just, know. Not that I am going to tell that to Connor anytime soon. Right now, I’m okay just being together.