Chapter Text
Buffy lay on her couch with her feet up. “Back to reality. In other words, back to deep fry duty. I swear, if I ever see another french fry…which I will, since I’m Buffy the potato slayer.”
“Here.” Willow handed her a cup of tea. “I had a rough day at school, but at least I like it there. I don’t know how you do it, day in and out, slaying demons and selling burgers. Oh, and I know what you told Dawn. I’m not helping her with her chores. She’s pitching in. I am helping her with her homework, so hopefully her marks will improve.” She grinned at her friend. “So you just take a big dose of resties, and all will be well.”
“All will be well, as soon as I hit the bathroom. And just when I was comfortable, too.” Buffy stood up, and doubled over in pain. “Oh, god,” she groaned. “What now?”
Willow put an arm around her shoulder. “Buffy, are you alright? What’s the matter?”
“I don’t know Will, I…” She panted heavily. “Help me…” she moaned.
“You’re so pale. Come and sit down.” Willow led her to the couch. “Buffy. Buffy, your pants. You’re bleeding.”
The door was open, but no one answered Spike’s knock. Concerned, he stepped inside. “Buffy? Bit? Anyone home?” he called. When no one answered, he climbed the stairs. “Bit? Slayer? Red?”
“I’m in here, Spike,” Dawn said from her sister’s room. “Come in.”
He found her packing an overnight bag with Buffy’s things. “I came to check on Buffy. See how she’s doing after her snap back to reality.” He realized the girl’s face was moist with tears. “What’s wrong? Dawn, what happened?”
“These are for Buffy. She’s in the hospital. She didn’t have anything with her, and Willow asked me to get some things.”
“The hospital.” He looked stricken. “What…?”
“I have to get her some things. Her clothes were all bloody.” She shook her head. “I’m so, so sorry, Spike.”
He put his hands on her shoulders, and shook her gently. “Dawn. Tell me what happened.”
“The doctor said it was the poison. A toxin, he said. She didn’t even know.”
“Sod it, Dawn, what happened?” he pleaded.
“She was going to have a baby.”
“I didn’t know she was even seeing anyone, Will,” Xander said, standing with his friend in the hospital corridor. “This is just horrible.”
“No wonder she’s seemed so sad lately. Keeping it bottled up. I wonder why she didn’t tell us. We’d be happy for her, if she found someone.”
“She’s been really down. Maybe it was just a one night thing.”
“Buffy?” Willow shook her head. “No, Buffy isn’t like that. She probably just didn’t want to tell us about him, what with my problems with Tara, and you and the, well, the wedding…”
Dawn and Spike stepped out of the elevator. “Great,” Xander hissed, “the peroxide kid. Just what she doesn’t need.”
Willow put her hand on his chest. “Please don’t cause a scene.”
“Don’t worry,” he said, pushing her aside, “I’ll handle it.” He stood in front of her door. “You are not going in there.”
“You are not going to stop me,” Spike growled.
“Please, Spike,” Willow urged. “Just go. I know you love her, but this isn’t the time.”
“Not the time.” He looked at her with tear filled eyes. “It was my baby.”
“Okay, that’s enough.” Xander swung him around. “I’ve had enough of your delusions. You get your ass out of this hospital now.” He swung back his fist, ready to connect with Spike’s jaw.
Dawn grabbed his arm. “Stop it,” she cried. “He’s telling the truth. Buffy told me. They’ve been sleeping together.”
Xander dropped his arm. “She was sick. She didn’t know what she was saying.” He looked at Willow, standing in shock. “It can’t be true.”
Tara opened Buffy’s door and stepped into the corridor. “What is going on out here? Buffy needs her rest.” She paused when she noticed Spike. She placed her hand on his upper arm. “I am so, so sorry. You should go in to her now. Don’t expect too much. She’s pretty out of it.”
Spike nodded and stepped inside.
She was lying on her bed, staring into space. There was an IV bag on a stand, dripping into her arm. Her eyes were red. She looked tiny.
He tried not to cry. He sat on the chair beside the bed, but didn’t touch her. “Buffy?”
“Hi Spike,” she said quietly. “I screwed up.”
“No, love. No.” He put his hand on hers. She didn’t pull back. “You didn’t do anything. It was that demon.”
“I should have known. I had a little life inside me. Shouldn’t I have known? I didn’t think it could happen with us. Someone must have changed the rules.” Her lower lip quivered. “We lost something precious, and we didn’t even know it was there.” She looked at him with her big, luminous, empty eyes. “They all know, don’t they?”
“Yeah. They know.” His voice broke, and he leaned forward onto the bed. He started to cry.
She put her hand on his head. “I would have loved it. Do you believe me?” He didn’t answer her. He was sobbing. “I wanted to love something again. I wanted to feel. I didn’t want to feel like this.” She closed her eyes. “You love so much. How do you do that?”
“I don’t know, pet,” he sighed through his tears. “I just do.”
“Teach me.”
Chapter Text
It was a sad quartet that walked through the front door to the Revello Drive home. Willow went off to the kitchen “to make tea”, while Spike and Dawn helped Buffy up the stairs towards her room. Spike waited in the hall as Dawn helped her sister into her nightclothes, then Dawn returned the favor as he said goodbye.
Spike sat on the bed beside Buffy. She hadn’t spoken since leaving the hospital. They were both still in shock, with the impossible conception of their child, and the sudden loss of it. He could smell her blood. It only made him want to cry.
“Do you need me to stay, love?” he asked.
“I just want to get some sleep. I couldn’t really sleep in the hospital.”
He patted her hand. “I’ll be going then.”
“Spike,” she asked, “will you be back? When I wake up?”
He stood beside the bed, and leaned down to kiss her on the forehead. “Whenever you need me, I’ll be here.”
“Good.” She closed her eyes, finally able to lose herself in unconsciousness.
Dawn was waiting in the hallway. She took Spike’s hand, and held it. “How is she?”
“Bout the same. Not saying much. She’s sleepin’. I’m goin’ to head out for a bit. Need some time alone.”
Dawn launched herself at Spike, hugging him close. He stood shocked, for a moment, then circled his arms around her. “Come back soon,” she said. “I feel like you’re family, now.”
He stroked the back of her head, tears threatening to return. “I won’t be long.”
Spike pulled open the front door, startling the tall man about to knock on the other side. “Hello, Rupert. Surprised to see you ‘ere.”
“Spike.” Giles looked at the vampire with a thinly veiled combination of anger, contempt and pain. “How is she?”
“She’ll be better, now you’re here. Come in.” He stepped aside as Giles walked into the foyer. “How’d you find out?”
“I called him.” Willow had stepped out of the kitchen. “I thought he’d want to know.”
“Right, then.” Spike stepped through the door, turning to add, “She’s sleepin’ now. I’d rather you didn’t wake her. She’ll be very glad to see you. Just let her rest, first.”
Giles and Willow sat awkwardly in the living room. “I haven’t done a spell in weeks,” the young witch said. “I really think I’m getting over the magic.”
“I’ve never seen magic as something to ‘get over’. Something to control, certainly.” With her stony response, Giles decided to change the subject. “I was very sorry to hear about the wedding.”
“Yeah, it was pretty awful.” She felt compelled to defend her friend. “Xander feels like a fool, not dealing with things sooner. He misses Anya like crazy. His timing stank.”
“Indeed.”
“Have you heard from Anya?”
“Just that she didn’t marry, and is closing the shop for the time being.” He took off his glasses and wiped them with his handkerchief. “She hasn’t decided anything yet. I suppose she thought I ought to know, as her business partner.”
“Makes sense.”
He continued to rub at his lenses. “About Buffy…”
Dawn came running down the stairs. “She’s awake. She wants to see you, Giles.”
He looked down at her. Had she been so thin, so small, when he left? Maybe he hadn’t wanted to see it. “Hello, Buffy.”
“You didn’t need to come, Giles.” Her jaw was set. “I’m sorry to inconvenience you.”
He ignored the coldness of her voice. “Of course I came.” He sat on the chair beside her bed. “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“My loss.” She bit her upper lip. “I didn’t even know I was pregnant, until it was too late. Funny, how much you can miss something you never knew you had.” She stared up at him. “Aren’t you going to ask?”
“Buffy, for all that’s holy, why Spike?” He hadn’t meant to be so abrupt, to add to her pain. But the words were out, an honest expression of his confusion.
“I’ve thought a lot about that.” She sighed. “When I…came back. Spike was the only one that didn’t ask anything of me. Dawn wanted a mother. Willow and Xander wanted gratitude for the wonderful thing they’d done. You, you wanted me to grow up. Not to be your responsibility anymore. Spike just loved me. Didn’t expect me to love him back. He was easy to use.”
“Buffy, you shouldn’t say that. That isn’t like you.”
“That is me, Giles. The girl who ran and hid in the arms of the one person I could hurt most. And I did hurt him. And I hurt me. And the more I was with him, and the more, excuse me Giles, incredible the sex, the deeper I hurt. Because it was wrong, being with him.” Her gaze was accusatory. “You taught me that. You and the damned Watcher’s Council.”
“Buffy, Spike is a soulless demon. You shouldn’t be with him.”
“You know, Giles,” she laughed, “the weird thing? I would suck as a mother. I’m barely a decent sister. Not even barely. Spike would be an incredible father. I’ve never known anyone who can love so deeply. So again, without even knowing, I’ve hurt him. Taken away something so important, that he’ll never have again. I mean, it couldn’t happen again, could it? Do you know how it even happened this time?”
He pulled a book from his bag. “I haven’t had a lot of time for research, but I did read this on the plane. There are few if any precedents for vampire and human sexual relations, at least with the human mate’s survival. But there are tales of damphyrs, human and vampire hybrids. I always assumed they were legendary.”
“Then I guess it’s not a good idea to make assumptions.” She picked at a thread in her blanket. “Angel has a son. Did you know that? He didn’t bother telling me. Willow was talking to Cordy. Angel and Darla. And they’re both vampires. Were. Darla’s dead.”
He was stunned. “The child, is it…?”
“A vampire? Apparently not. But it does make for interesting possibilities, doesn’t it? Can I see your book?” She took it from his hands and flipped through. “Quite the pictures. Oh, here’s something. A woman supposedly raised from the dead in 1480 gave birth to what she claimed was the child of a vampire. The villagers tore the baby limb from limb, and she was burned at the stake.” She closed the book. “Lucky her.”
“I’ll do more research.”
“You do that.” There was a gentle knock at her door, and a blond head peeked around the corner. “Come in, Spike. Giles was just leaving.” She took his hand. “Don’t go back to England. Not yet. Everything hurts now. I don’t hate you. At least, not you in particular. Maybe it’s that post-partum depression stuff you read about. Something like post crawl-out-of-your-own-grave depression, only worse.”
Giles squeezed her hand. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be downstairs.” He paused at the door, and said to Spike, “Believe it or not, I know what you’re going through. She would have been a little girl. It was a long time ago.” He went out the door, leaving Spike alone with Buffy.
“You never know about people, do you?” He took Buffy’s hand. “Anything I can do for you, pet?”
She shifted over in the bed, and reached her arms out to him. “Just hold me.”
Chapter Text
Dawn slowly turned the knob on Buffy’s door and peeked inside. Spike was lying, fully dressed, on top of the blanket, his arms wrapped around Buffy. They were both sound asleep. She smiled and closed the door.
Something terrible had happened, but for the moment Dawn didn’t want to think about it. Her sister and her best friend were together, Willow and Tara were getting along better, and, the icing on the cake, Giles was downstairs in her living room. Maybe it was wrong of her, in such a sad time, but she was happy.
She almost bounced down the stairs. When she reached the lower story, she was surprised by a knock on the door. “I’ll get it,” she called. She pulled it open. “Oh, hi Xander.”
The young man stood with his hands in his pockets. “Hi, Dawn. I came to see how Buffy’s doing. Is he here?” he asked coldly.
“He?” How did he know about Giles? No, wait, that wasn’t what he meant. “Spike’s upstairs with her.” She looked at him with defiance. “In her room. They’re asleep.”
“I’ll come back later.” As he turned to leave, Dawn grabbed hold of his arm.
“Come in. Please.” She tugged him through the door. “There’s something you should see.”
He followed her into the living room. “Giles!” he exclaimed. “Wow! Great to see you.” He ran over to give his former librarian a hug, but Giles didn’t return it.
“Hello Xander,” he said. “I heard about the unfortunate incident at your wedding. Anya wrote me about it. She was terribly hurt, of course.”
Xander stepped back. “You’ve heard from Anya? How is she? Where is she? I’ve been worried sick.”
“I’m sure she’ll be fine,” he emphasized the word, “eventually.” He sat back down on the couch. “She asked me not to tell you where she is. I plan on respecting her wishes.”
“Man, if you know, you should tell me. I need to explain to her.” Xander ran his hand through his hair. “I love her. I need her. This is breaking me up inside.”
“Perhaps, if you had faced your fears and cancelled the wedding before the actual day…”
“Maybe, if you had bothered to come to the wedding…you were quick enough to hop on a plane for Buffy…”
“Guys, come on.” Willow stood between them. “Don’t fight. God, Xander, Buffy lost a baby. Of course he came. And Giles, Xander is going through a really hard time with this.”
“Stay out of this, Will.” Xander exclaimed.
“I can fight my own battles, Willow,” Giles added.
“Guys, please, all of you, just stop it.” Dawn was on the verge of tears. “Stop it or…or I’ll kick you out of my house.”
Buffy opened her eyes, momentarily disoriented. She realized that she was in her own room, and draped around her was, “Spike. Spike, are you awake?”
The vampire rubbed his eyes with the base of his palm. “Hello, pet. Sorry, guess I fell asleep.”
“Spike, get up.”
“Right.” He pulled himself off the bed. “Forgot myself for a bit, there. I’ll be going, then.”
“That’s not what I meant. I’m glad you stayed with me. When I’m alone I feel…really alone.” She paused for a beat before continuing. “What I meant was, I want to get up, and I can’t when you’re on top of me.”
“You sure you’re ready, love?”
“Well, for one thing, I have to go to the bathroom. Besides, I think it’s time I got up and got dressed.” He helped her out of the bed, and she pulled a tracksuit from her dresser drawer. “I’ll get dressed in the bathroom. Wait here?”
“I’ll wait for you forever if you need me.”
She touched his cheek. “I know.”
“Calm down, Dawn,” Willow said. “And this is my house, too.”
“No it isn’t. You’re just a…tenant. And stop it, Xander. And Giles, you’re a grown up. You should know better.” Dawn’s lower lip quivered. “And everything was getting better, and you’re all spoiling it.”
Buffy stepped out of the washroom wearing her gray fleece sweat suit. Spike was waiting in the hallway. “Goin’ downstairs?” he asked.
“Yeah. I’m still a little wobbly.” She took his hand. “Help me down.” She grasped his hand firmly as they descended the staircase.
“I’m not the only one making with the mistakes lately.” Xander raised his voice. “Look at Buffy.”
“What about Buffy?” the girl in question asked, as she and Spike entered the living room.
“Buffy, you’re up!” Willow exclaimed. “That’s great.”
“I said, what about Buffy?”
“I’m sorry, Buff,” Xander mumbled. “I didn’t want you to hear that.”
“I know I’ve made mistakes, Xander,” Buffy replied. “Like the big one. Let yourself get poisoned by some monster and kill your own baby.”
Spike put her arm around her shoulder. “Buffy…”
“Oh, God, Buff. That wasn’t your fault.” Xander stepped towards her. “That wasn’t what I meant.”
Spike stepped in front of Buffy. “We know what you meant, mate.”
“Fine. I’m going.” Xander headed out of the room, paused, turned and pointed to Giles. “But you are going to tell me where Anya went.” He stormed out the door.
“He’s just upset,” Willow cried. “Don’t be angry with him. He has a lot to deal with.”
“Don’t we all.” Buffy leaned on Spike. “I’m starting to feel hungry. Who’s for Chinese?”
Dawn took her sister’s hand. “Works for me.”
“Fine then.” Giles picked up the takeout menus beside the phone and rifled through till he found Wong’s Palace. “My treat.”
Chapter Text
“That was yummy!” Dawn exclaimed. “The egg rolls were extra rolly.” She looked around the table and beamed. Giles was still here, Buffy and Spike were sitting side by side, and Willow sat with a satisfied, ‘just enough vegetable chow mein’ look on her face.
“Oh, I forgot, what with Giles surprising us.” Willow slapped her forehead with the heel of her hand. “I’m supposed to call Tara.” He voice dropped as she grinned, “We’re supposed to go out tonight.” She looked at Buffy. “If you’re okay, I mean. If you need me around, Tara will understand.”
“I’m fine, Will.” Buffy stirred the remnants of her half eaten chop suey with her fork. “I’m feeling a lot better. Really. Go and make with the fun.”
“Great. Okay.” The former witch almost knocked over her chair in her haste to get to the phone.
Dawn started clearing the plates. “I’m in such a good mood, I won’t even complain about doing the dishes. Just this once.”
Giles took a plate from her hand. “I said dinner was my treat, and I intend to see that through. Tonight the men will do the dishes. Come, Spike.”
“Ah, well, Rupes, technically I’m not a man,” the vampire said. Buffy rolled her eyes.
“You’re man enough to handle a dish cloth.” Giles pulled him up from the table and led him into the kitchen.
Giles took a wet plate from Spike’s hand and rubbed it with the dishtowel. “I was of course appalled to learn of your relationship with Buffy.”
“‘Course.” Spike took another plate from the counter top and plunged it in the soapy water.
“The Council will not look favorably on it.”
“There’s something you should know, Rupert.” He took the towel from Giles and wiped his hands with it. “Buffy had broken it off. Made it clear I wasn’t to be part of her life. That she couldn’t love me. I wouldn’t be here now except for what happened.” He saw the look of hope on the Watcher’s face. “Don’t get me wrong. Something’s changed between us. We have a bond, now. If she wants me, there’s no way I’m ever leavin’ again.”
“Fair enough. Just don’t expect me to be happy about it. And if you ever hurt her…” He tapped the vampire’s chest with his forefinger.
“Dust. I know.” Spike returned to the sink and rubbed the plate with the dishcloth. “You said something earlier. Something about knowin’ what I was goin’ through.”
“It’s not something I usually talk about.” He put down the plate he was drying, placed his palms on the counter top and leaned forward. “I was much younger. In my mid-twenties, past my Ripper stage. She was beautiful, truly lovely. But I was facing the future, my destiny to be a Watcher. When she told me she was pregnant, I was torn. Watchers don’t make very good spouses. We were living together. I’d finally decided that what I wanted was her, a family. So I asked her to marry me. Of course, it never happened.” He clenched the counter top. “She lost the baby. Lost her interest in me as well. Too painful, I suppose.” He pushed himself backward and stood, placing his hand on Spike’s shoulder. “So I do understand.”
“You said it would have been a girl.” Giles nodded. “She’d a been about Buffy’s age, then.”
“I’d appreciate you not telling her.”
“Right.” Spike handed Giles the plate he was scrubbing, picked up the cutlery in one handful, and dropped it in the sink.
“Oh, you’d probably be interested in this.” He rubbed at the last plate. “I’ve been doing some research on human and vampire sexual relationships. I’ve found some possible precedents for reproduction. So in answer to Buffy’s question, there is a possibility of it happening again.”
Spike pulled his hands from the water. “She asked you about that? About whether we could actually have a child together?”
“Not in those words, no. But I suppose that was the gist of it.” He was startled to find to soapy hands grasping his shoulders.
“Thanks, mate.”
Giles had said his good nights, Dawn was in her room with he CD player, and Spike had retreated to the back porch for a cigarette. He thought that Buffy was resting on the couch. “Hi,” she said, sitting beside him.
“Hey.” He put his arm around her shoulder and looked up at the night sky. “Lots a stars, eh? Make ya think about things.”
“About what?” she asked.
“Dunno. The future, I guess.” He snubbed the butt on the porch step with his toe and kicked it onto the lawn. “Rupert told me what you asked him. About whether it could happen again. Getting pregnant, I mean.”
“I guess I did. Just curious.” She pulled back a little from his arm.
“Would you want to?”
Buffy’s jaw tightened. “How can you ask me that? For God’s sake, Spike, I just had a miscarriage. I hurt. I bleed. I ache. I don’t even want to think about it happening again.”
“I just thought…”
“Thought what? That we were a couple now? That everything was okay? That we’d get back to screwing, and have kids, and be all ‘Everybody loves Raymond’? That I could forget everything, and love you? Love you? I can’t love anyone. Don’t you get that?”
“Buffy…” He reached for her hand, but she pulled it away.
“I’ve let you comfort me. Once again, I’ve turned to you, but not for sex this time. Oh no. Just to be the strong one, the one to be a buffer zone against the pain and my friends.” She turned her head away. “I’m using you again.”
He stood up and faced her. “Bloody hell, Buffy, I thought we were passed this. I thought that we shared something now. You, me, we made a child together, something impossible, and it was ripped away from us. Both of us. That was my baby too, Buffy!”
“Really.” She looked up into his eyes. “You didn’t have it inside you. You didn’t feel the pain and the horror as it slipped out of your body. You didn’t realize what had happened even before the doctor said, and have a hole the size of the Hellmouth open up in your chest.”
“You’re wrong, Slayer. You’re wrong about that last part. Maybe I never wanted, even considered, what we could have together. But I’ve never had a pain like this. So don’t tell me what I do and don’t feel!” He smashed his fist against the back wall of the house.
“Yeah, Spike, get violent. That’s what we do, isn’t it, when things get bad? We hit and ask questions later. I’m a violent girl. I’m a killer. Look what I’ve done to you. How long before the baby’s crying would have worn me down, and I’d hit it, or thrown it through a window.” She was shouting now. “I can’t do this. I can’t do this with you. I’m certainly not going to do it again. What if it wasn’t even human? What if it was some sort of freak!”
His voice was dead and cold. “Freak. Right.” He drew his coat around his body and stomped out into the night.
Buffy buried her head in her hands, weeping, tears pouring down her cheeks. “What have I done?” she muttered through her tears. “God, what have I done?”
Giles slipped the passkey in the slot of his hotel room door and opened it. “Are you awake?” he asked softly.
“Yes,” she answered. “I couldn’t sleep.” She flipped on the lamp beside her bed. “How was she?”
“Hurting. Both of them. I was so angry when I got there, but now I’m just…sad.” He sat on the edge of his bed. “How are you? I’m sorry I left you alone so long.”
“I was fine. Watched television.” She sat up. “You didn’t see him, did you?”
“As a matter of fact, I did. Don’t worry, Anya, I didn’t tell him anything.”
“Good.” She wiped away the tears stinging her eyes. “I know I have to face him, but it’s so hard. I’m so angry with him, but I love him so much. Do you know what it’s like, to want someone more than anything and know that going to them would be a big mistake?”
“Yes dear.” He reached over and patted her hand. “I know.”
Chapter Text
Willow entered the crypt, walking up the stone slab where he lay prone. She shook his shoulders to wake him up, oblivious to his state of undress. “What did you do to her?” she shouted into his face. He opened his eyes. “What the hell did you do to her?”
He sat up, pulling a sheet over his lower body. “Do to who, Red? What the soddin’ hell are you screaming about?”
“Buffy.” She crossed her arms over her chest and stared at him. “For god’s sake, Spike, with all she’s gone through, why couldn’t you just leave her alone? What did you say to her?”
“What did I say to her.” Without modesty he threw off the sheet and began pulling on his jeans. “Bloody hell, woman, what did she tell you?”
“Not much.” Her glare was icy. “Tara and I found her on the back porch this morning. She looked liked she’d cried herself to sleep. She’d been out there all night, I think. She was a little out of it when we woke her up. Must have been the fever.”
“Fever! How is she?”
“We’ll know better when Tara gets her back from the doctor. That’s assuming they don’t put her back into the hospital.” She shook her head. “And I know it’s your fault. She was fine when I left last night. Dawn said Giles left and she went upstairs, and you went out back for a smoke. Besides, Buffy said so, what she could say.”
“What did she say, Willow? Please.”
“It was mangled up, but stuff like ‘so cruel’ and ‘idiot’. So of course I thought of you. And your name, ‘Spike,’ over and over again.” She punched him on the chest. “If I only had a stake.”
“Take me to her.”
“No way. You’re not going anywhere near her ever again. Xander was right. You’re the biggest mistake Buffy ever made.”
Spike grabbed her by the shoulders, a slight headache starting in the back of his eyes. “Red. You are going to take me to Buffy. What happened last night, it’s not what you think. You’ve misinterpreted things. I think we both have.”
Giles parked his car in front of Xander’s apartment building. “Are you sure you don’t want me to come in with you?”
“Oh, I want you to. I’m too much of a coward not to want you to.” She pushed the passenger door open, and stepped out. She turned to Giles and said, “But I have to face him sometime. And I have some very valuable things in that apartment. If I’m lucky, maybe he won’t be there.”
Giles smiled. “Just keep those happy thoughts, dear. And remember, I’m here if you need me.”
She returned his smile. “I’m beginning to realize that.” She closed the car door, put on her determined face, and headed towards the building.
Buffy sat in the waiting room, her sister on one side and Tara on the other. Dawn held her hand, concerned by the too-high warmth of it. Her breath would catch in little sobs, the only sound she made.
“Willow was so mad,” Dawn said. “She was pretty quick to blame Spike. You don’t think she’d…”
Tara smiled reassuringly at the teenager. “Spike can take care of himself. Don’t worry. Though I’d really like to know what’s going on.”
“Beat him,” Buffy muttered.
“What, Buffy? What did you say?” Dawn was relieved to hear her sister’s voice, but the tone of it was chilling.
“Beat him. Again.” Tears overflowed onto her cheeks. “He hates me now.”
Anya put her key in the apartment door lock and turned it. She took a deep breath, and opened the door. She stepped into the room, and looked around. Nothing had changed, yet everything looked different. Once it had felt like home.
Xander spun around. “Who…Oh God. Oh sweet Zeus, Anya, you’re back.”
“I thought you’d be at work.”
“I pulled a later shift. Oh, Anya…” He threw his arms around her. “I’m so sorry. I really screwed up. I’m so…” He realized that Anya was responding like a statue.
“I’m sorry too, Xander. Now please let me go.” Anya walked away from her former fiancée, surveying the room for her possessions. She took a china cat from a shelf. “This is mine.”
“Anya please stop this. Let me explain. I love you.”
“I love you, too.” She continued to walk around the apartment. “I guess since you bought this vase for both our use, you can keep it. See how generous I can be?”
“Anya. Look at me. Anya!” He spun her around and the vase flew from her hand, shattering on the floor.”
“I suppose we could both take half.” She knelt down by the broken glass, cutting her finger. Blood oozed from the wound. “Wow. I still bleed. Did you know you can bleed with a broken heart?”
He ran to the bathroom, moistening a cloth, and reaching for a bandage. He ran out to the living room and pressed the facecloth to her finger. “Are you okay?”
She looked at the blood seeping through the fabric. “I may never be okay again. But I’ll get by.”
He held her hand, keeping pressure on the cut. He tried to look into her eyes, but she averted them. “Where were you, Anya? Where did you go? I looked all over town. And when I saw the sign on the Magic Box…”
“After you left, and I had to face all those guests alone, thank you, D’Hoffryn took me aside to another dimension. He offered me my old job back. Don’t look so frightened; I turned him down. He asked me if there was anything he could do for me, anywhere I wanted to go. I can handle this now.” She took the bandage from him and unwrapped it, handed him the red stained facecloth and surveyed her wound. “Not too bad. Amazing how a little thing could bleed so hard.” She attached the bandage to her finger. “And hurt so much.”
“I thought about it. Where could I go? All my friends were demons or in Sunnydale. Except for one. My business partner. So D’Hoffryn whisked me off to Bath, and I’ve been staying with Giles ever since.” She sighed. “He was so lonely. So was I.”
“You aren’t saying…you didn’t. Not you and Giles…”
“Have sex? Only twice.” She looked at his slack jawed expression. “Well, technically, once. The first time was just kissing. And we had amnesia.”
“You kissed Giles when lost our memories? And you never told me? We were engaged!”
“I thought I was engaged to Rupert. Though if Willow’s spell hadn’t worn off, we’d have done it right on the counter.” She smiled at the memory. “The man kisses very well.”
“I don’t believe this. Wait, you said twice.”
She stared into his eyes. Her fear was gone. “The night after I got to England. I was in a terrible state. It was comfort sex. He hasn’t touched me since.”
“I would never have cheated on you.”
“Oh, you think I cheated? You broke it off. I was ready to spend the rest of my mortal life with you, and you dumped me at the altar.” She pulled her engagement ring from her pocket and placed it on the coffee table. “This is yours. You can send me my things. To England.”
“England! You’re going back, with him?”
“We get along surprisingly well. And I have a job in a little antique shop there. I hope to buy into it when we sell the Magic Box.” She took his hand and pressed a kiss in his palm. “I know you think you love me. I think I still love you. But it’s over.”
She moved towards the door, and turned back towards him. “I hope you find someone else, but if you do, the problems will still be there. It’s too bad Willow is gay, and Buffy is in love with Spike. You’ll have to start from scratch.”
“Buffy isn’t…”
“Grow up, Xander.” She disappeared through the door.
Spike burst into the doctor’s office, Willow close behind. “Where is she?”
“She’s in with her doctor,” Dawn replied. “Chill out, Spike. You look like you’re going to explode.”
“Yes.” Tara took his hand, took his smoking blanket, and gestured to her empty seat. “Sit down, Spike. She should be out soon.”
He sat in the chair, his head buried in his hands. He rubbed his eyes with his palms. “She has to be okay.”
Just then, the examining room door opened and Buffy stepped out with the doctor. Spike jumped up and ran to her. “Now, I don’t care if you don’t want to see me…”
She threw her arms around him and held him close. “I’m so, so sorry.”
The doctor interrupted. “Ah, you’re Buffy’s boyfriend. I saw you at the hospital. You take care of this young lady. And don’t let her push herself too hard.”
“It’s a little difficult, once she sets ‘er mind to somethin’, but I’ll try. How is she?”
“I’ll let her explain.” He turned to the receptionist. “Make Miss Summer’s a follow up appointment for a week from now.” He turned back to Buffy. “And make sure you finish that whole prescription.” He retreated back to the examining room.
Dawn hugged her sister. “Are you going to be okay?”
“I think so. I have a little infection, hence the fever. I have to take antibiotics.” She looked at her loving friends. “I so want to go home. But can I talk to Spike for a minute, first?” She took his hand and pulled him to the corner of the office.
“What’s wrong, love? What do you have to tell me?” Spike steeled himself for the blow.
“I wanted to tell you what happened. Last night. The doctor says my hormones are crazy right now, and he’s giving me something for that, too. I didn’t think everyone needed to know all the details. I said some horrible things last night. I was afraid you would finally give up on me.”
He took her hands in his and brought them to his lips. “I told you. I’ll never leave you. I love you.” He leaned over and whispered in her ear, “Besides, you let the doctor call me your boyfriend.”
Chapter Text
Two weeks later, Willow, Tara, Buffy and Dawn stood in the departure area of the LA airport, saying their goodbyes to Giles and Anya. “Spike wanted to be here,” Buffy was saying, “but you know, sunlight issues.”
“I know. We had a long conversation last night,” Giles replied. “I still have my concerns about him, but it is obvious that he loves you, Buffy. In fact, in his own way, I think he loves all of us. Extraordinary.”
Dawn turned to Anya. “I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to work off everything I owed you. I feel really bad, about what I did to you.”
Anya patted her on the head. “Don’t worry Dawn. You can send me payments from your allowance.” She smiled at Dawn’s shocked expression. “That was a joke, Dawn. Just don’t do it again. Stealing is contrary to capitalist ideals.”
Buffy pulled Giles to the side, while the other girls focused on farewells to their ex-demon friend. “Giles, the way you keep looking at Anya. And she’s going back to England with you. Giles, you aren’t in love with her, are you?”
Her Watcher took off his glasses and rubbed the lenses with a handkerchief.
“Gee. Well, I guess you are closer to her age than Xander was.”
Giles raised his eyebrows. “What a terribly sensitive thing to say, Buffy.” He slid his glasses back over his ears. “I don’t know what will happen, but we have grown closer these last weeks. And you’re right, I do care for her. I don’t want to rush her, though, after all she’s been through.”
Buffy threw her arms around him and squeezed him tight, though not as tight as she could, given her Slayer strength. “Don’t waste time. I’m really learning that one. Seize the fish.”
“If you mean ‘carpe diem’, I’ll take it under advisement.” He kissed the top of her forehead. “I miss you dreadfully already.”
“Me too. Speaking of carp seizing, I’ve decided to patrol tonight.”
Giles wrinkled his brow. “Are you sure you’re ready, Buffy?”
She gave him one last squeeze. “Ready as I’ll ever be. Besides, Spike has my back.”
That evening, a happier Buffy walked through the cemetery towards Spike’s crypt. She was ready to slay again, ready to do the one thing she did best. Her relationship with Spike, ‘I’m in a relationship with Spike,’ she thought, without guilt or recrimination, was the other best thing in her life. Living without sex had made them closer friends again, and soon she’d be ready to take the next step, as she healed both physically and emotionally.
Her preoccupation had left her unfocused. She didn’t see the vampire until it was right in front of her. No matter. She was on the job, now. She pulled a stake from her pocket, plunged it towards the creature’s chest…and stopped. She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t dust it. She was frozen.
Its cold breath gusted against her throat. It was coming in for the kill. This nondescript monster would be able to add ‘Slayer’ to its resume.
Until it exploded with a dusty scream. Spike stood in the dispersing cloud, his stake still poised from the strike. “Buffy. What happened? Why didn’t you…?” But he saw that she was crying; put his arms around her. “Shh, it’s alright, pet. I’m here.” He felt her go limp in his arms. Hoisting her up like a child, he carried her towards his crypt.
Xander heard a knock at his apartment door. He knew he hadn’t buzzed anyone in. He looked out the peephole and saw red hair and a big smile. He opened the door. “Hi Willow. Oh, and Tara. Hi.”
“Hey, Xander.” Willow stepped inside the apartment, pulling Tara with her. “We’ve decided to whisk you away for an exciting evening’s entertainment.”
“But since this is Sunnydale,” Tara added, “we’re just going to take you to the Bronze.”
“Thanks girls,” Xander shook his head, “but I’m not in the mood.”
“Which is precisely why you must come. To get moody.” Willow frowned. “That didn’t come out the way I planned. Grab your jacket, friend o’ mine, and get with the program.”
“And what program would that be?” he asked.
“The ‘there’s lots of pretty women at the Bronze a’goin’ to waste’ program. And since Tara and I aren’t interested in said pretty women, you aren’t, are you honey, no didn’t think so, they are all for you. Lucky guy.” She grabbed one of his arms, and Tara took the other.
“You might as well come with us,” the brown-haired witch said. “You know she won’t take no for an answer.”
“You’re right,” Xander acquiesced, heading towards the door. “I should know by now not to stand in the way of the force of nature that is Willow.”
“Good.” Willow stopped for a moment before they could head out. “Besides, Tara and I want to talk to you about something. What Buffy’s gone through has made us both think a lot about the future. Have you ever considered the possibility of being a sperm donor?”
Spike carried Buffy into his crypt, carried her down the ladder and lay her on his new antique bed. He pulled off her boots and tucked her under the covers. Removing his duster, he lay beside her. “Buffy, love?”
She came to with a gasp. “Spike. I…what happened? How did I get here?” The memory of the cemetery and her near miss struck her. “Oh, god. If you hadn’t been there…”
“What happened, Buffy? I’ve never seen you freeze at the kill like that.” He stroked her hair.
“The kill. I couldn’t ... I saw him, and all I could think was that once he’d been human, what he was wasn’t his fault, once some mother had loved him…” She rolled over and looked into Spike’s eyes. “What if I can’t do it anymore? The next time, it could be the end of me…or you. What if he was going after you, and I couldn’t stop him? I don’t know if I can do this.”
He wiped the tears from her eyes with his fingers. “You can, Buffy. You’re the Slayer. You were born for it. But not now. Not yet. It’s too soon.”
“You think?”
“I know. I know my girl.” He waited for her reaction. She’d never let those words get past without a very negative reaction.
“Your girl?” She smiled. “I guess I am. I’m Spike’s girl, world. Live with it.”
“Sweetheart.” He kissed her, gently. He felt like his heart would burst.
“I want to talk to you about something. Yes, put on your serious face. That night, on the porch, those things I said to you…”
He kissed her forehead. “Don’t matter.”
“Yes,” she said. “Yes, it does. Everything was pouring out, everything I was afraid of, and I laid it all on you. You hit a nerve, asking about another baby. My fear of who I am, of who you are. My fear of whether a baby would be…normal. I know now everyone fears that. And my big fear, the one you don’t know. My fear it can never happen again.”
“What are you saying, Buffy?”
“I want you to know something. I love you as much as I can.” She touched his cheek. “I know that’s not enough.”
“It’s so much more than I deserve. You can love so much more than you know.”
“I hope so.” She grasped his hand. “Because one day, if it can be, I want us to have a child together.”
She watched them sleeping in the big bed; she on one side, he on the other, their tiny perfect baby between them. Naked in innocence. Peaceful. Ideal.
She opened her eyes and looked at Spike, alone with her in the bed. Beautiful in repose. A grown-up copy of the baby in the dream. She snuggled closer to him. Everything would be okay now. Her dreams had been known to be prophetic, after all.
Commandokitten on Chapter 6 Wed 05 Oct 2022 04:11AM UTC
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