Work Text:
He was a monster. He was sick. He was disgusting. A failure. A waste of space. He had no right to be here. With this loving family. With these nice people. He deserved nothing. He was sick. A sick, disgusting monster…
Will covered his face with his pillow to not make a sound. Tears ran down his cheeks, sobs escaped his mouth and he begged that no one would hear him through the pillow and the door.
The last time he had to do this was when he was around seven years old. Back then, he had to hide in his bedroom while his dad was yelling at his mum in the living room, completely wasted from wherever he had been. Will learned many bad words that way, words he wished to forget. Useless whore, bitch, fag, … Little seven years old him cried in his room, pretending to sleep and overhear the screaming and yelling next door, trying to not make a sound, too afraid of his dad hearing him, coming into his room, hurting him, calling him names…
This time, it was different. He was scared, but not of his dad hurting him physically. This time, he was scared of being hurt emotionally (which wasn’t really better at all… just different). Not through rude names, no, that wasn’t really what he expected. More through disappointment in their eyes. Heart-breaking sobs, from whoever they may come from. The order to pack his things and leave the house. That’s what he was scared of this time.
His chest ached as he tried to avoid making any more sounds. His whole family was home, he knew it. One of them could come down the hall anytime and hear him. They would ask questions, until he wouldn’t be able to do anything else but tell the truth. The truth about what happened a few minutes before.
About the shirtless man on a sports magazine cover who caught his attention rather than the woman who was also posing on the cover… And about that, as soon as he realised what this picture caused him to feel, this cold, stinging feeling of something he just knew too well overcame him: fear. The fear of this thing that was obviously wrong with him. The fear of this horrible, horrible error he had.
It’s not like he didn’t know what that was. He knew it very well.
Homosexuality.
Queerness.
Gay.
That’s exactly what he was. Gay. His dad was right all the time. He was a fag. And he actually didn’t know what was bad about it. He just knew it was bad. Everyone else seemed to know the reason, but no one wanted to tell him. They just let him know that something was wrong about it. And he had to live with that. Just like he had to live with the fact that he was gay.
He had tried to cut it out of himself. The long sleepless nights in the bathtub had left horrible scars all over his wrists, arms, legs and chest. But it didn’t change anything. Boys, with their fluffy, curly hair and cheeky grins, caught his attention, and girls didn’t. There was nothing he could do about it.
He tried to accept it. But he couldn’t.
He tried to hide it, tried to forget it, to shove this part of himself into the off. But he knew it was still there, and moments like this were just another proof, another reminder of this painful error he had.
He shoved the sports magazine under his bed and hugged his legs, pulling them to his chest. It all became too much. He was gay. He had an error. He was sick. The thought of that let him feel the need to scream from the top of his lungs. But he couldn’t do so. Not here. Not right now.
He had to get out of here, even though it was already dark outside. Suddenly, the walls were way too close. He gasped for air, got up and almost ran out of his room, down the hall towards the door.
“Going for a walk.”, he said to the people sitting in the living room, not even paying attention to who exactly it was and if they heard him. Maybe he didn’t even say it. Maybe the words were just in his head and he never said them out loud. Didn’t matter anyway.
He also didn’t pay attention to their responses. He heard confused and upset voices, especially his mom’s, but he didn’t recognize what she said. The panic made him deaf.
He left the house, and ran. He just ran, through the woods and over the fields, he didn’t even feel the sharp pain in his lungs because of the adrenaline and panic rushing through his veins.
After what felt like hours, he stopped and gasped for air, now he could feel how wobbly his legs felt and how much his lungs were aching. He collected himself, and then he let out the scream he had held inside for months. He screamed as loud as he could until the last bit of air had left his lungs, and then he collapsed on the grass and started crying, again. This time, he didn’t do anything to cover his sobs. He screamed and sobbed and cried as loud and as long as he wanted.
He needed to tell someone. He needed to get it off his chest. He couldn’t live with this pressure anymore. Because this feeling was much worse than the fear of an outing’s consequences. He was gay, and it was a horrible thing, but he needed someone to know. His mom. Or El. Or Jonathan. Doesn’t matter who. Just someone. He didn’t even exactly know why he wanted that. Why he wanted to break the hearts of his loved ones, made them hate him on purpose. He didn’t know. He just knew he did. Just like with his gayness. He didn’t know what was bad about it. He just knew it was.
After around twenty minutes, he slowly calmed down. He sat on the grass for another five minutes, letting the cold and darkness consume him, before he slowly started to walk back the way he ran along a few minutes ago, blind in panic. Back then, he didn’t realise how long it was, but it surely took him ten minutes until he could see the lights of his house through the trees.
A few seconds later, he heard voices. His mom, Hopper and El were obviously searching for him, he could hear them screaming his name. Jonathan’s car was gone. Did he drive away to search for him? Suddenly, Will felt bad for just running out of the house like a maniac. He knew how concerned his mom always became when he left the house alone in the dark, and now, basically running and in panic...
He stopped a few metres behind the house, but close enough for them to spot him which they immediately did. His mum spotted him first, running towards him and hugging him tightly.
“Oh god Will I was so worried, you just ran out of the house without responding, I thought something bad happened.”, she whispered, obviously close to tears.
‘Well, something bad happened’, he thought for himself, ‘your son is gay.’
Hopper and El also reached them and stepped closer to take a look at the scene. “Jesus, kid, what the hell was that for? You scared the shit out of us!”
He just had to say it.
He had to get it off his chest.
Break all their hearts.
Get rid of this pressure.
Destroy this loving family.
He had to.
But he couldn’t.
He needed to.
“I’m gay.”
Silence. Just one second of silence, which felt like a million years. He pressed his eyes closed, afraid of seeing the hurt on their faces when he opened them.
“What?”
He shivered, let out a shaky breath. They didn’t understand him. He had another chance, another chance to keep it to himself and not destroy this family.
“I’m gay.”
Fuck.
“I’m sorry.” As if that would help shit.
He heard someone moving. Probably someone preparing to hit him. Or Hopper hugging his mom who had started crying. But none of that happened. Someone touched him, and he flinched. But it wasn’t a hurtful touch. One second later, he found himself in his mom’s tight embrace again. He sobbed against her shoulder; he hadn’t even realised that he started crying. She held him tight, rubbing her hand up and down his back while letting him wrap his arms around her too. Hopper and El just stood there, staring at mother and son.
“Is that why you ran off?”, she asked quietly.
He nodded and started crying even more. “I’m so sorry mom, I…”, he didn’t know what else to say.
“Shh, it’s okay, you don’t need to apologize.”
He looked at her. “You don’t hate me?”
“Of course not baby, how could I possibly ever hate you? I love you, no matter what.”
“But… I’m sick. I’m not normal.”
“Who told you that?”, Hopper asked, brows furrowed.
Will looked at him in confusion, not sure what to say.
Joyce sighed. “Listen, why don’t we talk about that inside? It’s freezing out here.”
She took his hand and led him back to the house. Inside, she wrapped him in a blanket and made him sit down on the couch. He hadn’t even realised how cold it was outside and how much he shivered until now.
“So, again. Who the hell made you believe gay people are sick?”, Hopper asked as they’ve all settled down in the living room, but Will was kept from answering by Jonathan bursting through the door.
“I couldn’t find him, I-“, he fell silent when he saw the family gathering taking place in the living room. “What’s going on?”, he asked.
“Your brother has something to tell us.”, Joyce explained.
“Oh.”, Jonathan sat down on the floor in front of Will, looking at him in concern.
“I’m gay.”, Will said again, still quiet but with more confidence this time. The words rolled off his tongue much easier now.
Jonathan blinked. “Oh." Silence. "You know that's totally okay, right?"
Will smiled shyly at his brother, his words made his heart beat faster from happiness and relief.
Jonathan looked around in confusion as everyone stared at him. “Go on where I interrupted.”, he said, making clear that he would shut up now and just listen.
“It’s a fact isn’t it?”, Will said, directed at Hopper to catch up on the question from earlier, “being gay is something disgusting. Everyone thinks so. Dad, …”
“Oh no no sweetie, don't you listen to anything your father has ever said about such topics. It’s bullshit.”, Joyce interrupted.
Everyone was staring at her in surprise. No one would’ve ever expected her to talk like that about her ex-husband, especially in such bad language. If anyone else would’ve said that, all they would’ve earned was a sharp “language!” from her. She stared back, determination on her face, obviously not regretting anything.
Will was the first to find his words again, his confusion taking over. “But I thought being gay was a bad thing, an error in the DNA.”
“Well, being gay has something to do with your DNA, but it's definitely not an error. It’s a trait, just like eye colour or something.”, Hopper explained.
“And everyone who says it’s an error is just an asshole.", Jonathan added, earning a sharp gaze from Joyce at his choice of words which he returned with a mockingly offended expression.
“I don’t see why anyone would have a problem with gay people. Some boys just don’t like girls, and some girls don’t like boys. What’s bad about it?”, El said, her recently gained language skills showing off once again.
“You got it, kid.”
“We will always love and support you honey, no matter who you love.”, Joyce said, pulling her son into another hug and kissing the top of his head.
Will had to fight against his tears again. “Thank you.”, he whispered, and then he found himself in a group hug, his whole family surrounding him. They all loved him endlessly, the fact that he liked boys couldn't interfere with that. They would always protect him.
Will had never felt so light. The pressure which had rested on him for almost a year was gone all at once, and it felt surreal. He wasn’t used to it. But it felt good. He could finally breathe again.
“Will, if another person ever wants to make you feel bad for that again tell me and I’ll make this mouthbreather pee themselves.”, El said and Will burst into laughter.
“Thank you, El.”, he said and hugged his sister again. She hugged him back. “I love you.”, she whispered.
“I love you too.”
He really didn’t know what special thing he had done to deserve this loving family.