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You want to know what really happened the night of my birthday party?
Everybody thinks they all already know everything, even when I never told anybody anything.
If you want to hear the truth, I’m not sure how much I can help you. I was drunk and some details are hazy and I can't recall them no matter how hard I think about it. Others I can clearly see before my minds eye, as if it just happened yesterday. Or even just an hour before.
Perhaps Ballas remembers it in a different way. Perhaps something like a universal truth doesn't really exist at all.
Let's just call this my personal truth.
Before I tell you what happened that night there are a few things you need to know to understand.
I'm not gay. I mean I'm not totally grossed out by the idea of kissing a guy. Or more generally two guys kissing. Not like some of the homophobic assholes at school, even when it's still a bit weird when one of them is my Dad.
I actually kind of liked what happened. – The aftermath not so much.
Perhaps I'm a bit bi? I'm not sure. As somebody told me, I don't need to worry too much about what to call it at this point. I have time to figure it out.
Ballas and I, we go way back. We first met in kindergarten. We have been best friends for a really long time. We had our ups and downs as all friends have. I thought our friendship would last forever. Now I'm not sure if we can be friends anymore at all. Even if we can I know it wont ever be the same.
We were best friends but I haven't been sexually attracted by him. Of course I've seen him naked before. We're on the swim-team together. It's pretty normal to see each other naked in the showers or lockers. On top of this when we were like twelve we measured and compared boners. Sure, he's good looking. Most of the guys on the team are. I just never thought about him or the other guys in that way. And all my crushes so far have been on girls.
Three weeks before my birthday Ballas had his first time with his girlfriend Jess and he wanted me to experience the same thing. Even before that he got me together with Jess' friend, Priscilla.
I liked Cil. I wasn't in love with her but I really liked her. But I also didn't just use her as my gay beard like Jess later made out. She was nice and good looking and we didn't have anything in common and I liked kissing her even when I wasn't in love.
I was still a bit hung up on this other girl, but that's a different story.
Cil didn't deserve to be dragged into all this.
Anyway, after his first time Ballas was always talking about sex and how good it was and how good he was and how often he did it – and that I should also finally do it.
You often hear how much pressure there is on girls and also pieces of good advice not to give in to the pressure and how they should only have sex when they're ready. Sometimes it is too much, making their virginity out to be something invaluable or even something holy. I never heard anything like that about guys virginity and I haven't heard the advice to wait until you're ready directed at boys even a tenth of the time. Society still assumes that guys are always ready, that they always want sex and if they don't something has to be wrong with them.
Well, I didn't feel ready to have sex. Not with someone I wasn't in love with. And I did feel the pressure. From Society. From Ballas. And also from Cil who was kinda guilt-tripping me.
So to my birthday party. My birthday fell on a Saturday this year, naturally it was expected that there would be a party. And Cil decided it would be the perfect opportunity to lose our virginity together.
When the party ended and I heard that Cil had to go home after all, I felt kind of relieved.
It seemed like Ballas was way more bummed that I wouldn't be having sex than I.
He decided I needed some cheering up, so after we took the girls home he got out another bottle of Vodka – No, I think it was Tequila? – I'm not sure. And we did some dumb shit before we both crashed at my place.
That wasn't uncommon. We were best friends and stayed at each others house pretty regularly. And since I have a queen sized bed it was normal that we shared.
But this night was different:
Franky was falling asleep on his side, his back to Ballas, when he felt something weird. Under the covers a Hand was making its way over his side and his belly down towards his sleeping boxers. He held his breath. What was happening? His sleepy, drunk brain couldn't make sense of it.
Franky didn't move but he became more awake and alert as the Hand palmed at his crotch through his boxers. The Hand retreated again. He let out a shuddering breath. He felt the cover move, being pulled away until it was down at his thighs. Then suddenly the Hand was back, this time snaking under the fabric of his Boxer. Long slender fingers cupped his soft penis and balls. Franky felt a bit like paralyzed. But he was more awake now.
Blood was flowing down to his dick letting it grow bigger under Ballas' ministrations.
Ballas! Only now did his alcohol-muddled brain catch up to the fact that it was his best friend's hand that was fondling him. He let out an audible sigh and the Hand stilled for a moment.
Franky couldn't think clearly. Did he like what was happening? His body surely responded. But that was just a natural reaction. Right? Should he say something? Let Ballas know he was awake? No! Then he would stop for sure. And it felt so good. Franky was fully hard now and the Hand was still gripping his dick, unmoving. Move! Dammit!
As if reacting to his thought the Hand gripped a bit harder and slowly, tentatively moved up and down his shaft.
It went on like this for a bit with Franky trying to keep still and feign sleep, fearing that every move and every sound would scare the Hand away. Had he been less drunk he would have realized that he wasn't doing a good job of it, slightly writhing around and panting and gasping and sometimes even groaning through his clenched teeth.
The Hand let go and Franky held his breath as his boxers were pulled down, just underneath his balls, and his dick was exposed to the slightly cooler night air.
The Hand got back and it got bolder. Moving a bit faster. He felt the mattress dip as Ballas moved closer, leaning over him. He squeezed his eyes shut. Then he felt Ballas' breath on the side of his face, he could almost feel his lips as he whispered in his ear: “Turn on your back, Franky.”
Shit! Ballas knew he was awake! But then he had told him to turn, to give him better access. That meant he wasn't going to stop, right?
Franky turned, still keeping his eyes shut. Still keeping up the pretense.
Ballas kept on jerking him. Using his thumb to spread the drops of precum around Franky's dickhead.
Then he felt Ballas breath on his face again. “Happy Birthday, Franky.”, he whispered. And this time he was sure he felt his lips lightly touching his cheek.
Franky opened his eyes. In the almost darkness, in the slight shine of the far away streetlamps filtering through his window, he saw Ballas smirking down at him. “Happy Birthday”, he whispered again.
Then the mattress moved, and the covers, as Ballas crept under them and down the bed. Franky didn't know what to expect. Of course he had an idea – he had watched porn before after all. But that didn't prepare him for the feeling of Ballas warm, wet tongue licking over the head of his dick. “Fuck!”, he let out a near silent curse. His fists clenched in the sheets. The tongue was gone again and he feared that this one almost inaudible word had somehow broken the spell. Had scared Ballas away.
But then Ballas' tongue returned. Lower down on his shaft where the feeling was a bit less intense. Franky had to gasp for air anyway.
Ballas kissed and licked along his hard shaft. And then the wet heat of Ballas mouth engulfed the head of his dick. And Franky involuntarily bucked his hips.
Ballas held his hips down with his arm and continued sucking. The feeling was beyond comparison and Franky wished he could see exactly what he was doing. But Ballas had pulled the cover over his head when he moved down the bed. Perhaps that was a good thing as he already felt himself getting close and the sight of his best friend sucking on his dick would probably have given him the rest.
“B..Ballas”, he moaned out, his body sweating and writhing on the bed, his hands fisted in the sheets searching for support. His balls were drawing even closer to his body.
At hearing his moaned name Ballas seemed to double his effort. And Franky couldn't hold on any longer. “I'm cu...”, he tried to warn before an intense orgasm washed over him, rendering him unable for coherent speech and thought. It took all his willpower to stay more or less silent and not wake the entire house as his muscles spasmed and spurt after spurt of cum shot out.
Franky was still coming down and out of breath like after an intense swimming competition when he felt Ballas move up the bed to lie next to him again, taking the covers with him.
Still drunk and high of his orgasm he thought it was a good idea to also get Ballas off. He turned towards his friend and brought his hand to his hip moving it to Ballas erection that was straining against the cloth of his boxer-briefs. There was already a wet spot at the tip. Franky jerked him off through the cloth as Ballas brought the covers up over both their heads. He was internally debating weather he should also blow his friend when he felt him tense up and cum in his underwear.
Without really thinking about it he brought their lips together and kissed Ballas.
That seemed to finally break the weird spell on his friend. Ballas suddenly jumped back, almost falling out of the bed, and scrambled for his clothes.
I called after him. To wait.
But Ballas had a sort of mad, driven look in his eyes and didn't even get his clothes on. He was fleeing my room as fast as he could with his shoes and things under the arm.
He left me alone. Wondering what exactly – how exactly things had happened. And what would happen next? What did it mean for our friendship? Now there also came other questions and thoughts like: Does that mean I'm gay? Is Ballas gay? Am I like my Dad? But I wanted to someday have a family. I don't want to be like that and hurt my family like my Dad did…
I didn't fall asleep for some time that night. And the next day I was tired, hungover and still had no answers.
Then all the shit at school happened and now I'm here and still don't have answers to even half of the questions that night brought up.
But I'm mostly okay with that.