Chapter Text
At first, Clarke was too ashamed to admit to herself that out of all the challenges she'd faced peace was the one that might finally break her.
After the ‘liberation’ - as she chose to call it, massacre too familiar a term - of Sanctum she found that there was simply no use for her anymore. She knew that the old Clarke would have taken charge at a moment like this. She would have dove straight into the fray, figuring out what they were going to do next and making it happen. This Clarke, however, was tired. Every bit of her, inside and out, was simply too tired.
She could have rallied and overcome it, before. However, this time she had lost her mother to death and Bellamy to her own stupidity in the span of one day. Clarke been teetering on the ledge of what she could bear for so long. Bellamy and her mom had been the safety ropes that kept her from falling when she stumbled. They were the people she had most relied on, trusted, and loved for years and now they were gone. She was left standing alone over the abyss of her past.
Yes, loved.
After her revival in Gabriel's tent, the first thing she had seen was Bellamy's face. He was so near and looked so desperate and relieved to see her. She looked into the face she knew better than her own and thought simply 'I love you.' Thank goodness she had been gulping air too hard for the words to come. When she could speak she had instead whispered 'the heart and the head,' which meant more. She more than loved him. He was as necessary to her life as her own heart, and she loved him with all of it. He'd hugged her, and it was like every other hug they'd shared since the first. Hard and heartfelt and like finding the one safe place in a world out to destroy them. He was her green Eden in a planet on fire.
Before she could say more he'd helped her to Gabriel's nearby bed and urged her to sleep. Everything had hurt and she'd rested without a fight, so tired she'd slept without a nightmare for the first time in years. When she'd awoken they were back at war. Their people were in danger. Nothing came before that to Clarke. Saving them always had been and always would be her first priority. Her newly realized love for Bellamy would have to wait. They had time.
When everything was over, they'd found each other in the courtyard. Everyone was hugging, happy to have all survived against the odds once again. Everyone except Abby.
When she and Bellamy came together the impact of their hug shook her bones. He understood her like no one else. He'd always been the one by her side making hard choices and suffering the scars those choices left. Words she later couldn't recall poured from her lips, disjointed, devastated over the loss of her mother. She remembered he told her that they did better and that he had to believe it mattered. They'd hugged a second time and when they pulled back was when she had made her mistake.
She hadn't kissed Bellamy. She might as well have if only to experience it once in her life. No, instead she had held onto him as he starting parting from their hug. He looked down at her from so close, their lips so near. There had been a charged pause. Clarke was mere seconds away from stretching upward and taking the step that she was sure would feel like the culmination of their years side-by-side.
Then someone cleared their throat.
"Hey." Bellamy dropped his arms from around her and quickly strode to were Echo waited nearby. Their kiss felt like death from a thousand cuts.
Before he could turn back Clarke found Madi in the crowd and rushed to her, the girl laughing at the strength of the surprise embrace. Little did she know that Clarke pressed her face so tightly into Madi's hair to hide the few traitorous tears that escaped before she could get a hold of herself.
Clarke accepted in that moment that, sure, they had gotten through hard times together. Of course they had a bond. Of course he wasn’t going to let her die. However, if that bond was ever going to become more than friendship it would have years ago. That possibility had long passed. It went without saying that Bellamy was overjoyed she had lived. He was an emotional guy; it was one of the many reasons she loved him. He cared about everyone. She shouldn’t have assumed it meant more than it did.
Now he had Echo, and as Clarke watched them from the corner of her eye she couldn't believe how foolish she'd been. Of his many admirable traits, the one that most defined Bellamy was his unwavering loyalty to those he loved. He loved Echo. More importantly, Bellamy deserved to be happy more than anyone. Echo could give that to him. Clarke couldn't say the same.
When the couple had broken apart, Echo met Clarke’s eyes across the courtyard. She knew. Echo had seen what Clarke was about to do.
At first Clarke had been able to distract herself from her losses by working with Jackson. They slept on cots brought into the Great Hall of the Primes, now a makeshift hospital. Sanctum hadn't needed one until their arrival. They had been so busy Miller had shown up with meals and practically force-fed Jackson until he'd pause his work, and Jackson would do the same to Clarke with the leftovers. Only when Madi visited would she take a break. Only when she was near fainting with exhaustion would she sleep, though it was more like falling into a short-term coma. Each would end abruptly and with tears as she'd jerk awake from another half-formed nightmare.
With the endless string of tasks, it had been easy to hide the nose bleeds and dizzy spells she started experiencing more and more. If Jackson knew he would make her rest and she knew the second she did her thoughts would catch up with her. So she kept a wad of tissue in her pocket to wipe away the blood and could lean against something for a moment during the spells, attributing it to tiredness.
During that initial time of frenzied work, decisions had been made. Important ones, without her, which was good. After all, what they said was clearly true. People died when she was in charge.
For a moment there, Clarke had thought she had been forgiven by the others. Murphy had said she tried to help when he thought Josephine had killed her. Raven had consoled her after her mother died. Octavia had seemed pleased when she had survived ripping Josephine out of her head. As the days passed without them acknowledging her existence, or the fact her mother had died, she knew that none of it was real. The time they'd spent in Sanctum had simply been their group survival instincts; no more than a reflex after years of mutual near-death experiences. No one actually cared about her after what she had done during their final days on earth. She didn’t blame them.
Bellamy could have been the exception. He had always been the first to forgive her, no matter what she'd done. His empathy had always found a way to use her intentions to justify her actions. Clarke realized too late that she had started counting on him to forgive her anything. Finding a way to ruin that beyond repair was just further proof that she really was toxic through and through.
Days after the ‘liberation’, Bellamy had come in person to let her know that Russel had been imprisoned and that they were moving forward with the arrangements he had made for a separate settlement for their people. It was the first time she had seen Bellamy since that morning post-battle. As he delivered the news of where their people would be living, she hadn't been able to look him in the eye. He'd stood with his arms crossed, shifting to hide his discomfort, delivering the news to her as if he thought she'd argue. Clarke had wondered if he finally understood her need to leave after Mount Weather. It was hard to look at the people you 'saved' without seeing the blood you'd shed to save them. She didn't say this, however. She didn't give an opinion at all. She'd nodded her understanding, thrown her best approximation of a smile over her shoulder, and continued working.
After a few weeks, their temporary hospital had nearly emptied. Those who were savable had been saved. The time for keeping patients under observation, checking and rebandaging wounds, dispensing medicine, and keeping her mind preoccupied, ended. There was only so much left to do and Jackson had things too well in hand for her to have an excuse to spend every waking hour working there. Also, with Jackson less busy it had become harder and harder to hide her symptoms. Those becoming common knowledge was the last thing she needed.
While she'd been working Madi had been staying with Gaia. Technically no longer the Commander, the Wonkru army still acted as if she were. They would never understand the Flame was no more than an AI. Madi had stopped by the hospital when she could. As busy as Clarke had been, Madi was nearly as preoccupied with her education. Gaia, Indra, Octavia, and others had been training and guiding Madi admirably, better than Clarke ever could have. Madi told her with enthusiastic wonder about Raven and Emori showing her the radiation field and water purification systems they had installed.
Clarke was amongst the last of the people from Earth left in Sanctum. The others had already relocated and were working on building their new infrastructure.
With nothing left to keep her away, Clarke packed her bag - which consisted of only a few changes of clothes, a scattering of keepsakes, notebooks, and the few drawing utensils she had left - and made her way to their new settlement. Rather than call for a Rover she’d spent half a day walking the distance, delaying her arrival.
When she finally made it the bustling scene had reminded her of their days at the dropship. Everyone moved with purpose, finding ways to help build an entire civilization out of repurposed tech, chopped down trees, and preserved food.
Murphy had been the first familiar face to notice her as she hesitantly looked around, his eternally sly smile in place. "Don't worry," he'd called, tilting his head for her to follow, "your spot isn't next to the latrines. Against my recommendation."
Clarke had shaken her head in forced exasperation. “Murphy,”
"You look like crap."
"Thanks, I'm happy to see you too. You've gotten a lot done here."
"Yeah," Murphy surveyed the area with barely concealed pride. "We've really got this 'invading planets, murdering everyone, and colonizing them' thing down to a science. Can't wait to see the next one."
Clarke huffed a sad laugh. They walked in silence, Murphy clearly waiting for her reply to jumpstart their usual snarky banter but she didn’t have it in her to play along.
"Soooo. We got the basics up for all of our people already. The spots were built and spaced out so more could be built on later or whatever. Yours already has two rooms since you've got Madi. Raven's workshop is over there and-"
"You built a house for us?" Clarke hadn't realized she'd stopped short until Murphy had to walk back the steps separating them.
She knew Madi was somewhere sleeping comfortably thanks to Gaia and that she could stay there. Clarke had thought that for herself she'd make do with a tent, tarp, or maybe try to curl up in one of the haphazard communal sleeping forts she'd seen the Grounders use before. She would never have guessed she’d be provided a house.
"I mean, it's more a hut than a mansion, but yeah. You're shit at building rooves and no one wanted to give you a reason to start getting bossy.”
Clarke only nodded, biting the inside of her cheek to keep her face as passive as possible. Murphy frowned at that before shrugging and starting to lead her again.
She didn't want him to know what this was doing to her. All of it.
This entire place was further proof no one needed her anymore. The friends who'd become a family with one another, not her, had made this. They had intentionally left her out of it, likely to prevent her from causing more harm. Murphy might have said it half in jest, but she was sure it wasn't far from the truth that no one wanted to give her the power to control anything, even if it was only one building.
More than anything, despite everything she'd done, they had still built her a house. They'd given her an extra room for Madi. They were better people than she'd ever been or could hope to be. Hell, Murphy was the one showing her around rather than leaving her to figure it out herself. It made sense they didn’t want her ruining that.
Her legs began to wobble as she fought down the overwhelming mix of emotions. Or possibly another dizzy spell. Either way, thankfully there wasn't much further to go. They stopped in front of a small cabin, identical to the others.
"This is you. That one," he waved across what would someday be a road, "that's me and Emori. Don't go there. Then you've got Raven, Miller and Jackson, Jordan, Octavia, Echo and Bellamy. On that side of you is Gaia." Murphy pointed up one side of the road and back down the other, indicating each house.
Clarke tried not to flinch when he said she'd be living next to Bellamy and Echo. How the hell had that happened? Maybe they wanted to keep an eye on her. That was it. They were guards to protect their people from whatever disaster she'd cause next. "Great. Thanks. I'll, uh, I'll see you around."
Before she could leave Murphy shifted to partially block her path. He lowered his head and looked at her in that infuriatingly searching way he'd grown into. "You doin' alright there, Wanheda?"
"Never better." Sidestepping him, she tried to keep from literally running away to avoid any further conversation.
In her rush, she hadn't appreciated walking into her house for the first time until the door was shut and her back was pressed against it, eyes squeezed tight. After a few calming breaths she had been able to look around and assess the space with gratitude and heartache. A small kitchen, a table, windows, and two doorways that led into rooms large enough for a cot and dresser. It was a generous gift they were giving a woman who was responsible for their torture, leaving them to die, and risking their lives time and time again.
She unpacked her things, sat at the kitchen table, and ended up staring at the wall. Then she paced. Then sat. Then paced. She couldn't stand it, staying still. She couldn't go outside and risk running into anyone. It was one thing to know you're hated; it's another to invite that fact being thrown in your face. Clarke had begun to feel her skin crawl and the walls shrink. When Madi arrived she could have cried not only at the joy of seeing her daughter but in thankfulness for the company.
"Clarke!" Madi threw her arms around Clarke and she, in turn, clutched her, rocking in relief.
"I've missed you so much, Madi. So, so much."
"I've missed you too. I'm glad you're home. Bellamy brought my things to Gaia's until you got here. I'll move it all over tomorrow. Gaia's is next door, did Murphy tell you that? He said he'd brought you here when we saw him. Oh, and today Octavia showed me how-"
Clarke could sit and listen to her daughter's happy chatter all night, so she did. When the dark thoughts at the edge of her mind would start to take over, she would focus more attentively on Madi's voice and the sound beat them back. Seeing her child thrive was a dream come true. She didn't need anything more than that. She shouldn't want anything more than that.
Madi had already eaten with Gaia and Indra. Clarke had no appetite so there was no need to leave the house as the night stretched on. They built a fire when an evening chill seeped in. Madi let Clarke undo her braids, brush out her long hair, and put in new ones as they talked. The night was perfect. That was until Madi twisted back to glance at Clarke during an animated part of one of her stories.
"You're bleeding," the girl gasped.
"Am I?" Clarke feigned surprise and touched her upper lip, pulling away fingers smeared with black blood. She wiped it away as best as she could. "Huh. It must be from all that time overworking at the hospital. Don't worry. I'm just exhausted. I'll be better soon. You remember this when we tell you it's important not to overdo yourself and rest, alright? Exhaustion can take a real toll on your body."
Madi's voice had still been mostly worried but held a healthy dose of suspicion when she said, "You're bleeding... from being tired?"
"Yep. Speaking of which, we ought to get you to bed. Did you say you were starting your day training with Octavia, or was that after visiting the Wonkru camp with Indra?"
"Indra," Madi replied, searching every inch of Clarke, the furrow between her brows steadily deepening.
"Well, you'll want to be well-rested for that. Come on, I'll tuck you in."
Expecting the sass that had developed over the past few years, instead of sighing or saying she was too old to be put to bed, Clarke had felt awful when Madi had only nodded and followed her into the second bedroom. She hated that their time together had been darkened by one of her stupid nosebleeds. The last thing she wanted to do was worry her daughter.
That first night was when it happened.
Clark was no stranger to nightmares. They were the only dreams she knew anymore. However, this one... This was new. This one was different.
She could feel the bruising grasp of her mother's hands as she had clung to her. Clarke felt the very strands of her hair as she shoved Abby's head away, pushing her to her death. As she was ripped out of the airlock, suddenly her body was joined by her father's. Except they didn't float away. They floated towards her, their lifeless forms frozen yet repeating all of the things her Red Sun hallucination had told her and more.
They said they were both dead because of her. Madi would die because of her. She was a cancerous growth that needed to be cut out, a toxic poison that would kill everyone near her. She was the worst thing that had ever happened to her people, to them, to humanity, to the entire earth. They wished she was dead. Their voices steadily got louder and louder, and the faint outline of ghosts began surrounding them. More and more came, the countless people she had murdered, to support her parents as they begged her to do the right thing: kill herself. The crowd went on, and on, and on, pressing closer and closer, imploring her to die.
Over the years she'd woken many nights crying or in a cold sweat. That night she'd sat straight up in bed, the only sign of her dream a gushing nosebleed and a pain in her chest so deep it felt physically real. Clarke had started clawing at her skin, only half-conscious and desperate to rip out her heart. It hurt. It hurt so badly she couldn't take it. She needed it gone, she needed it to stop, god, she had to make it stop.
When the last remnants of sleep left her and she realized what she was doing, some of the scratches across her chest were bleeding. The sting was nothing compared to the ache that remained within.
Frightened to return to that dream and frightened to wake Madi if she began screaming, Clarke had gotten out of bed and once again sat at her new kitchen table, staring at the wall, willing her mind to stay blank. She sat there through the long hours of the night and into the breaking dawn.
When she heard Madi stir in her room Clarke forced herself to her feet. There was no need to fix breakfast; Madi had explained that food was being provided at a mess hall.
There was no need for her to do anything at all.
Except lie. Clarke hadn't thought to cover up her chest before Madi could notice the scratch marks. When the girl had asked what had happened with wide eyes, Clarke had lamely come up with: "Uhmm. Bugs. There was a bug."
She couldn't even lie well anymore. They all would have died years ago if she was that bad at it then.
When Clarke wouldn't elaborate further Madi left with a suspicious scowl. Clarke watched her stalk over to Indra's down the road and saw the fierce warrior smile as she opened the door to let the girl in.
Left to her own devices Clarke once again began to pace, faced with the same dilemma as the day before, only worse with the remnants of her nightmare playing over and over in her mind.
She could offer to help build the town in some way, but clearly no one wanted her around. She could find where they had set up their medical center and see if there was anything to do there, but that was Jackson's domain now that... Clarke stopped in her tracks and shivered. Now that her mother was dead. Jackson would tell her if he needed her, she shouldn't presume. He was a real doctor and their population wasn’t high enough to need more than one. Plus, she didn't want him to notice something was wrong with her. She could walk around, familiarize herself with the bustling construction, find the mess hall and its promised food, as little as eating appealed to her. However, that would likely lead to running into people. Drawing held no appeal because all she could see in her mind's eye were her parents floating corpses, begging her to end her life.
So she paced, and paced, and paced. There was nothing to distract her from the demons that dogged her every step.
No one needed her to lead them. No one wanted her as a friend. Her mother was dead. She didn’t need to protect anyone, or feed anyone, or save anyone. She had nothing of value to give and no one wanted her help. In a time of peace, there was no use for a killer. There was no point to her. Now there was nothing.
Nothing except Madi. Madi was all Clarke had left to live for.
However, they weren't in Shallow Valley anymore. Madi had plenty of people to look after her. She didn’t truly need Clarke anymore either.
More importantly, Clarke knew that no matter her intentions she hurt everyone around her. Even before the nightmare, every time she looked at Madi in the back of her mind Clarke had heard those Red Sun hallucinations whispering.
When she'd put that gun to her head on the Eligius it had been with the hope of saving her daughter from Sheidheda. Afterward, no one mentioned what happened and she was grateful. She didn't have to choke down the truth that if rescuing Madi hadn't worked she would have pulled that trigger without hesitation. Even now, she wasn't sure how she would survive giving Madi up, even knowing the girl was better off without her. Her desire to stay with Madi no matter what proved she really was as selfish as everyone said.
When she couldn't take it anymore, Clarke shredded one of her few shirts to turn it into a sort of scarf. The sun was shining brightly and there wasn't an excuse to wear it but nothing she owned had a neckline high enough to cover all of the marks she'd unintentionally made.
Clarke left the house before she could talk herself out of it. She hadn't thought to ask for a key but there wasn't a need. Even if robbery was a concern, she had nothing left to her name. Thieves were welcome to the drawing journals that held the memories she'd made in another life, scenes of landscapes now long gone, and portraits of people who either hated her or were dead. There was nothing else left.
She walked with her head down, trying to avoid being recognized. It didn't last long when a Grounder noticed her and the mutters of 'Wanheda' began to follow her. The Commander of Death. She deserved that awful name. They had given it to her after only her first genocide. She deserved so, so much worse now.
Any hope she'd had of being distracted from her sins vanished and Clarke made her way to the nearest boundary of the newly installed radiation fence. Without pausing she continued straight through it. It wasn't as if it could hurt her. Even if it did, so what?
Entering the forest, Clarke ducked behind a carnivorous tree to hide herself from view. She went no further. Octavia had warned them of some of the dangers she’d seen and Clarke’s worst fear was now quicksand. That would be the ultimate curse: forced to stay still until you die.
Clarke fell to her knees and finally let herself cry. Years' worth of heartbreak came pouring out.
For the first time, she allowed herself to recognize her life for what it was. A horrible, bloody, endless string of trauma and death, beginning the day her father died and ending where she sat. All that time she had needed to be strong for the others. She’d managed to suppress everything, her mind focusing on the task ahead. And there was always a task ahead. Since mourning her father in solitary confinement, there had been surviving the ground, surviving Grounders, escaping Mount Weather, fighting Mount Weather... On and on, she'd been able to throw herself so completely into the survival of her people she'd never been forced to sit with what had happened and what she'd done. Even those years in Shallow Valley she'd been so busy finding food and caring for her home and raising Madi, she'd easily found a distraction when the truth began to catch up with her.
It took over an hour to cry the worst of it out. When she was done she'd yanked her legs out of the vines that had begun to wrap around them as she'd sat there, and contemplated what she'd do next.
It was unrealistic to think she could go back and live in that house. She was like this after one night. How could she hide that from Madi long term? How would she hide whatever was wrong with her physically? She couldn't. She also knew she couldn't kill herself, no matter how much what her nightmares said was true. Clarke has seen what Jasper's death had done to them all and she didn't want Madi to live with that.
The most obvious answers out of the way, she spent the entire afternoon alternating between wracking her brain, untangling herself from the tree trying to eat her, and wiping away the blood from her persistent nosebleeds.
Clarke wasn't thrilled with her final decision but it was the best she could do. Needing to act before it was too late she moved back towards camp, checking that the perimeter was clear of anyone she knew before leaving the forest's edge. Head down she walked at a clipped pace, more focused on getting her task accomplished than being recognized as the most hated woman alive.
Her first stop was the house she'd been given. She'd avoided the road, traveling along the back of the row of structures. Once inside she'd only tossed her clothes back into her bag and the dagger she still carried from Lexa. She pulled two drawings from her disheveled stack of journals, leaving the rest to whatever end they'd find.
Clarke let herself stare down at the top image longer than she should have. It was the first one she'd drawn of Madi. Her little wild child. She rolled it up and added it to her bag. The other was a landscape sketch she'd done one peaceful morning in Shallow Valley. She'd done her best to capture the serenity of the view from their favorite hillside, where they could pretend the lush green land went on forever. Snatching up a charcoal pencil, Clarke had scrawled "I love you the most, forever and always. -Clarke" in the corner.
Not wanting to waste any more time, and not wanting to stay long enough for anything to change her mind, Clarke slipped back out of the house she'd been provided and was ungratefully immediately abandoning. Hopefully they would give it to someone more deserving.
It wasn't hard to find Gaia and thankfully there was no Madi in sight when she did. To be safe Clarke got the attention of a passing Grounder and asked them to tell Gaia to join her at the Wonkru tent she was lurking behind.
"What is this? What's wrong?"
"Everything's fine," Clarke lied through her teeth, more convincingly than before. "I have to go to Sanctum and need Madi to stay with you until I get back. Take care of her for me?"
"Of course." Gaia searched Clarke's face and began shaking her head. "Clarke, what are you doing?"
"Nothing. Here, please give her this," Clarke pressed the drawing into Gaia's hand, "and just- just take care of her, alright?"
Gaia glanced down and the page, saw the inscription, and snatched Clarke by the shirt before she could run off. "I will ask once more. What are you-" Gaia's gaze fell to where she'd tugged Clarke's shirt below the cover of the scarf. Her head cocked. "What is that?"
Clarke couldn't pretend she didn't know what Gaia was talking about. Her body, the traitor, also felt like it was a good time to start another nosebleed. Gaia released her and took several steps back, assessing Clarke from head to toe much as Madi had the night before.
"What is happening to you?" When Clarke shook her head and moved to leave, Gaia stepped in front of her. "If you think I'm letting you go when-"
"I'm not asking you if I can leave. I am asking you to take care of Madi. I need to get whatever’s wrong sorted out and I don't want to frighten her, alright?"
"I don't understand. What is this?"
"I don't know. Everything will be fine, I just have to get a handle on things. Take care of Madi."
"You know I will."
"I do. Which is why you're the one I’m asking.”
Gaia tilted her head in acknowledgment and moved out of the way.
Clarke continued to be cautious as she made her way to the main gate and the road leading to Sanctum.
She was three feet from freedom when-
"Hey, stranger.” Raven jerked her chin in greeting then frowned. That seemed to be people’s natural reaction to her now, unsurprisingly. “What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing, I’m-”
“Clarke, shut up." Raven was squinting at her and began closing the distance between them. Never one to pull punches, Raven immediately held up her fingers as she counted her concerns. "Your nose is bleeding, you’re pale, thinner, your eyes are red and glazed. I can see that you're shaking from here and you look like you're about to pass out. Wanna try to lie to me again and say you’re fine?"
Clarke had always appreciated Raven's directness. Even when it wasn't to her benefit she'd always known exactly where they stood with one another. At that moment she could have used a little less of it. Clarke had managed to get Jackson, Madi and Gaia to overlook her illness or let it go. Raven was not so easily deterred. She'd addressed what was wrong within seconds and wasn't going to let up until she was satisfied. At least Clarke had her chest covered again.
"Seriously, I'm ok," Clarke started circling away from Raven, trying to keep her distance while getting to the gate. She knew her chances of leaving were significantly lessened if Raven decided to stop her. "I've been busy at the hospital and-"
"Nuh huh. I've seen you busy. I've also seen you half-dead and I gotta say, that's what you look like right now. We've been giving you space but you've got to-"
Clarke ran. It was her only option. Raven yelled at her to stop, yelled for someone to stop her, which only made Clarke run faster. It was true she wasn't stable on her feet but her body was familiar enough with running for dear life while less than healthy. Her adrenaline compensated for the rest.
Once she was out of sight of the camp Clarke detoured into the trees. Knowing it wasn't safe to head far into the terrain she kept close to the edge of the road, staying hidden for when-
Yup. There it was. The roar of the Rover came thundering down the road, Raven passing fast enough in pursuit that Clarke couldn't get a look at her. She was familiar enough with Raven's expression when she was pissed off to get the idea.
It was slower going than she would have liked, especially with night approaching, but Clark stayed within the tree line as she made her way towards Sanctum. The Rover could only come back one way. Clarke wouldn't put it past Raven to shoot her in the leg in order to slow her long enough to ask what her deal was.
Sure enough, as the sun began to set Raven flew back by. In the seconds it took to pass her, Clarke thought she heard her radioing someone but it was hard to tell.
The danger of being caught gone, Clarke moved to the center of the road and picked up her pace as the moon became her sole source of light.
It would be a lie to say she didn't turn back several times. She'd take a few steps towards her people, tears in her eyes.
Maybe they would give her another chance. Maybe she could be the person her mother had hoped she'd become: better. She could learn to be the kind of parent Madi deserved.
Each time, she'd never make it more than those staggered steps before reality would come crashing down and she'd continue on the path she'd committed to. Her people had given her more chances than any one person could deserve and she'd let them down every time. Her first attempt at being a good person had resulted in the fall of a civilization and mass murder. Someone like her was too far gone for the idea of 'better' to make a difference. And no matter what she did, she'd never deserve Madi. For the first time, Madi was surrounded by good people, people nothing like Clarke. Leaving was what was best for Madi. She deserved to be led through life by hands not drenched in blood.
As she got further and further away, the more sure she became of her course of action.
She'd been crippled by 'peace' and 'safety' since Sanctum had fallen. After all she'd done and survived, she wasn't going to lay down and let it kill her.
She'd gone to extreme lengths to ensure the survival of her people. In doing so she'd become a monster, selling away pieces of her humanity since they'd landed on the ground. The only way to protect them now was to remove the monster from their midst. It didn't matter how much they hated her; she'd do anything for them. Now, that meant leaving them all behind.
Madi would miss her for a while but that kid was resilient. She'd move on. As for everyone else? If they even noticed she was gone, all they'd feel was relieved.