Chapter Text
‘Jump for it. Jump for it, Hamilton.’
Jefferson dangles her phone above her head as she tries to reach up and grab it. Alexandra lets out a muffled shriek of frustration as he waves it just out of her reach. She needs that phone, and she will kill Jefferson if that’s what it takes to get it back. ‘Aww, ickle Hamilton can't reach,’ Jefferson drawls in his stupid accent. She changes tactics, climbing onto her chair and leaping onto Jefferson's back with a war cry.
‘Let. Me. Have. It.’ She grinds out, as she simultaneously squeezes with her thighs and wraps an arm around his neck. Her free arm scrabbles for the phone that he's still holding as far away from her as possible.
That’s how Washington finds them a minute later, Hamilton still clinging to Jefferson's back like a monkey. Jefferson, red-faced, trying to crush her between the wall and his body.
‘What the hell are you doing?’ Washington barks. They freeze and very slowly turn to look at him in the doorway. Lafayette has his phone out and is recording the entire thing over Washington’s shoulder.
‘This isn't what it looks like,’ Hamilton is quick to say.
‘Really? Because it looks like you're trying to strangle Jefferson as he taunts you by holding your phone just out of reach.’
‘...Then it’s exactly what it looks like.'
‘I'm too old for this bullshit,’ Washington sighs before closing the door.
‘Daddy’s disappointed with you,’ Jefferson goads the second the door closes.
‘Daddy’s disappointed with both of us,’ she hisses. She grunts as he slams her back into the wall. ‘That hurt, you little bitch.’ Jefferson whimpers when she wraps her hand in his- surprisingly soft?- hair and pulls.
‘Not my hair,’ he shrieks. He gives up trying to pry her arm away from his neck and reaches a hand around and goes for the kill shot. His hand wraps around her ribs and he tickles her mercilessly until she lets go of him. As she falls she tries to grab onto anything she can use to stop herself and somehow ends up dragging Jefferson down with her.
They lie there, tangled on the floor and panting, until there's a tentative knock at the door.
‘Tommy, are you… dead?’ Madison looks more than a little bit perturbed by the scene in front of him. Hamilton lets out a low groan from somewhere under Jefferson's left shoulder.
‘You weigh a tonne,’ she grunts as she wiggles out from underneath him.
‘That’s all the muscle,’ Jefferson replies. Madison rushes forwards to give them both a hand up. Hamilton ignores it, uses the desk to get back to standing and then has a brief hunt for her missing shoe which she finds under her desk. She also snatches her phone back from Jefferson's weak grasp with a triumphant ‘ha!’.
‘Seeing the two of you always makes me grateful that I share an office with Burr, Lee and Angelica,’ Madison mumbles to himself. The fact that any of them need to share an office is somewhat baffling, but renovation works have shut down over half the building and have meant they’ve had to compromise.
‘Oh Angelica would definitely strangle you in a heartbeat if she didn’t think you'd actually die the second a woman touched you,’ she supplies cheerfully.
~
‘The fact that you made me read this with my own two eyes is proof that there is no god, because surely he would not forsake me like this.’
‘Fuck off, Jefferson. Like you can talk. Your essay read like a lacklustre hand job: rushed and inconsistent,’ Hamilton shoots back.
‘Oh I bet you know all about inconsistent hand jobs.’
She raises a perfectly arched eyebrow, ‘I've never had any complaints.’
‘Seriously guys,’ Madison say. ‘You both gotta be like this when I'm sat right here?’
~
The only night Hamilton can be guaranteed to be out of the office at a reasonable time is a Wednesday, because she and Angelica have a long-standing weekly date at the gym where they beat up the punching bag and vent about the idiots they work with until they're tired and go home and order pizza.
‘I'm just saying,’ Alex pants. ‘If he got run over by a bus tomorrow I wouldn’t mind.’
Angelica holds the punching bag steady and pulls a face. ‘Surely he can't be as bad as Burr. He gave me a lecture yesterday about not sounding friendly enough over the phone. Who does he think he is? The fucking phone police?’
‘At least Burr doesn’t invite his friends to come and sit and have loud conversations at his desk when you're busy trying to write. Or thinks it's okay to flick paperclips at you until you get angry at him, and then you get into trouble for trying to bludgeon him with a hole punch.’
‘I don’t think Burr has any friends,’ Angelica muses.
‘He gets on with that stupid Charles Lee guy. It’s a dubious honour, but I think he might be the dumbest person I know.’ She gives the punching bag a wallop.
‘Who’s worse, Jefferson and Madison, or Burr and Lee?’ Angelica smirks.
‘Like you even have to ask,’ she replies. ‘At least Burr and Lee are inept enough not to be an issue.’
‘Fuck, marry, kill: Jefferson, Burr, Lee,’ Angelica asks innocently. Alex regrets every day the time she introduced that stupid game. Not only is it probably going to get them fired one day if they're overheard, but Angelica repeatedly asks her until she finally gives her answer.
‘Kill Jefferson, kill Burr, kill Lee,’ Alex grunts.
‘You know that’s not how the game works. Don’t make me ask again.’
‘This is the worst one yet,’ she moans. Angelica shoots her an unimpressed look. ‘Okay, okay. Fuck Jefferson. Marry Burr. Kill Lee. Oh god I feel ill just thinking about it.’
‘You and Burr would make a beautiful couple,’ Angelica smirks. ‘But you definitely should have married Jefferson, he's loaded.’
‘But he's Jefferson,’ she points out.
‘He still giving you a hard time over that bill?’ Alex focuses on hitting the punching bag before she answers.
‘Fuck Jefferson.’ Everything she says he disagrees with. It’s like he does it deliberately just to piss her off. If he is it’s definitely working. ‘And fuck Madison too. Southern motherfucking democratic republicans.’ She punctuates each word with a sharp punch before taking a step back to wipe the sweat out of her eyes.
‘Swap?’ Angelica suggests, letting go of the punching bag. ‘I need to rant about Burr.’
~
‘What's it like to work with Thomas Jefferson?’ the wide-eyed intern asks.
‘At least once a day I get the urge to just open a pot of thumbtacks and start eating them like candy, but the feeling usually passes without incident so it’s okay,’ Alex replies cheerfully. The intern looks like he's been slapped. ‘I'm only going to show you how to use the copier once so pay attention. If you forget anything ask Burr, he gets off on stationary. If you really want to get him hot under the collar ask him about laminating.’ The intern glances around wildly as if worried that Burr might jump out at any second brandishing a stapler.
‘How long have you been in politics?’ the intern asks, sounding less confident with every passing minute.
‘Ages. I was a lawyer first, but only because I have this friend who always used to get arrested right? But he's way better at avoiding the cops now and I don’t need to defend him in court so I'm doing this instead.’
‘It must be amazing to work for Washington.’
She pulls a face. ‘He's overrated. I'm just kidding, no need to look so scandalised. Nah G Wash is pretty cool.’
‘You call the president G Wash?’
‘Not to his face.’
‘I thought politics would be more… serious,’ the intern says.
She snorts. ‘Don’t know who told you that. Was it Burr? Bet it was Burr.’
They both look to the door when they hear someone approaching. The intern perks up like an excited puppy when Jefferson sticks his head around the door. Alex slumps in disappointment.
‘Hamilton, what are you doing in here? I thought you'd be out terrorising munchkins,’ Jefferson says by way of greeting.
‘Jefferson, this is our newest intern, he told me earlier that he thinks you're inspirational so obviously he's not going to last long.’ The intern looks like he's about to cry.
‘She's joking,’ Jefferson reassures him. ‘You'll quickly learn that the only person that thinks Hamilton is funny is Hamilton herself.’
‘And Becky from HR,’ she's quick to remind him.
‘Becky from HR is a sociopath.’
‘Becky from HR is a babe.’
‘You know what, Hamilton, I don’t have time to deal with your bullshit today. When was the last time you slept? You look like you're six months into the zombie apocalypse,’ Jefferson says.
‘Mean.’
‘And not as a survivor, as a zombie.’
‘Well I guess that’s lucky for you then, since zombies eat brains and you don’t have any,’ she shoots back.
Jefferson rubs his forehead. He turns to the intern, who up until this point has slowly been backing away towards the door. ‘How many cups of coffee have you seen her drink this morning?’
‘Um, five, sir. But I've only been here since nine,’ the intern replies.
‘Dear god Hamilton. I'm taking the intern before you permanently traumatise him, I can practically feel the crazy radiating off you from here,’ say Jefferson.
‘Fine, take the intern, but you have to show him how the intranet works.’
Jefferson looks unimpressed. ‘That’s a shit job, you can keep him.’
‘Please Mr Jefferson, don’t leave me with her,’ the intern pleads. ‘She's asked me three times what my favourite tax is. I don’t have a favourite tax, I'm just here for some work experience before college.’
‘I suppose it wouldn’t be fair to subject you to her for long periods,’ Jefferson sighs.
‘I'm right here,’ she reminds them.
‘And boy do we wish you weren’t,’ Jefferson drawls.
~
The Gang:
Baguette Fucker: 20:11: Night out on Saturday. If you don’t come you're a tragic loser with no life
TJeffs 20:11: Where?
Baguette Fucker: 20:12: That karaoke bar near Herc and me. Anyone that comes has to sing at least one song
Angel-ica: 20:12: Eliza and I are coming. We call shotgun on Wannabe
HERCULES MULLIGAN: 20:13: You know that’s my, John, and Laf’s song :(
Angel-ica: 20:13: Not anymore, sugar tits ;)
Madzz: 20:13: I don’t sing
A. Burr: 20:14: Me neither.
Baguette Fucker: 20:14: You have to sing. They're the rules
TJeffs: 20:14: Jemmy we can do Benny and the Jets
TJeffs: 20:15: Burr I suppose you can join in with us
Madzz: 20:15: B-b-b-BENNY!!
TJeffs: 20:15: Gonna be beautiful
A. Burr: 20:16: I will think about it.
And Peggy!: 20:16: I can't make it, I have a date ;)
And Peggy!: 2016: Make sure no one has fun without me
And Peggy!: 20:17: And make sure they all know it’s because I'm not there
Angel-ica: 20:17: A date?!?! With whom?!?!
Baguette Fucker: 20:17: Congratulations mon petit cherie
Angel-ica: 20:18: Peggy reply to my messages!!!!
I’m John Laurens: 20:45: Does anyone know if Alex is coming?
TJeffs: 20:45: God I hope not
HERCULES MULLIGAN: 20:46: Why, John? We not good enough for you or something? :P
I’m John Laurens: 20:46: Al owes me three pints after our last night out…
Wifey: 20:47: I'm scared to ask
I’m John Laurens: 20:47: All you need to know is that we now have a lifetime ban from The Yorktown
Wifey: 20:48: Yikes :/
Angel-ica: 20:48: At least no one ended up in jail this time
TJeffs: 20:49: Wait what? Who was in jail? Was it Hamilton? Please tell me. I promise not to tell anyone
Angel-ica: 20:49: As if I'd tell you anything, you smarmy git :)
Wifey: 20:50: Yikes
A. Burr: 20:50: Yikes.
Hammie Hamster: 3:43: I WILL BE THERE!!! I WILL SING!!! I WILL NOT GET ARRESTED!! I WILL BOO JEFFERSON OFFSTAGE!!
TJeffs: 3:44: Hamilton wtf? It’s nearly 4am, why are you awake right now?
TJeffs: 3:44: And why are you shouting?
Hammie Hamster: 3:45: JUSTICE NEVER SLEEPS! WHY ARE YOU AWAKE RIGHT NOW?!?! I’VE HAD COFFEE. SO MUCH COFFEE.
TJeffs: 3:45: One day your heart is going to explode from all the caffeine you drink and I’ll stand over your grave and say ‘I told you so’ and it will be a marvellous day
Hammie Hamster: 3:46: BOLD OF YOU TO ASSUME I CAN DIE
TJeffs: 3:46: I'll remember that next time I'm tempted to push you in front of a bus...
Hammie Hamster: 3:47: I'M TAKING YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL WITH ME, PRETTY BOY
Madzz: 3:47: Can you two please not sext on the group chat? And please go to sleep