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He doesn’t remember the first time he’s ever looked too long at Noel, because that’s practically been his whole childhood. But Liam remembers the first time he felt something else than family-feelings while looking at him. They had sat on the sofa in the living room together with their mam and Paul one evening with some film playing on the telly. Liam never really got what it was about, always too fidgety to pay attention for longer than five minutes, but it must have been something romantic. There was a couple on a beach, a blonde woman and a man holding her with his arms around her waist and the woman was fluttering her lashes at him prettily so he’d hold her even closer.
Liam didn’t listen to what they were saying, but he looked over at Noel who was sat in the armchair, knees bent and hair hanging moody in his eyes, but fixed on the television. He’d turned eighteen recently and seemed to think that he was the shit now, a complete legal adult and all. It really got on Liam’s nerves and he thought that somebody ought to bring him back to the ground again, but nobody seemed to share his anger about it enough to do something.
Right now Liam could tell that he was feeling all grown up again, his brows twitching and fingers flicking against the fabric of his jeans like he was so bored sitting here with his brothers and mam, itching to get out into adult life. Liam wasn’t completely sure what that entailed. He knew he was dating that girl, or no, he was engaged to her now. And no matter what Liam thought about Noel’s new attitude, that certainly seemed like a grown-up thing to be. Or do, because Liam knew what couples got up to when they were alone.
He wondered if Noel was doing it often and if his fiancée liked it when he did it with her. Maybe he held her first like the bloke on the telly until she was blushing and sighing and then he’d slowly push his hands lower and… Liam wasn’t sure about the way fiancés did it, all he knew was too much cold spit and uneasy hands half under fabric touching something wet before they fled again. That didn’t seem very grown-up to Liam and Noel’s hands looked big and sure enough to be doing things that counted as adult-touching.
She probably liked it, Liam decided, at least he wouldn’t agree to marry someone who didn’t make him feel good. So Noel had to know how to do it well. Weird that his rough hands pushing Liam out of the way would touch someone else so differently and in such different places. Liam’s head grew a little hot thinking about his brother putting his hands there. Noel’s fingers twitched under his eyes and suddenly Liam was scared that Noel knew what he was thinking about. He’d probably give him a good slap, one he’d still feel a week after, and then he’d probably say a load of mean things.
But Liam couldn’t take his eyes away from him, now he got to thinking and he couldn’t stop. He’d seen Noel kiss girls before, one time he’d seen him push one up against the wall and he’d heard the bird’s moan and watched how Noel’s hands had travelled over her upper body before Paul had found him and dragged him away. He had been curious how it worked then, he thought, but now his stomach felt funny and his eyes dragged up to Noel’s mouth all on their own.
People told them all the time how similar their faces looked and they might do, but Liam wasn’t entirely convinced, because Noel’s face had done so many things Liam’s hadn’t and that had to show, right? All the girls, his fiancée, they had to show on his face, somewhere it had to be readable which mouth had already bitten his. And with a sudden rush of his blood downwards Liam wondered how he might look if Noel let him kiss him.