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There's something about being alone in your room that brings you such peace. To be surrounded by the things you care about; the things that bring you comfort. It just makes you feel better. My old room was the only place that gave me that feeling, my only sanctuary. But even then it still felt cold and I never knew why. It was mine, it should have felt so but it didn't. It had my things but it still had to be a certain way, like how I had to be a certain way. And now its nothing more than burnt beams and ash.
Here... here is different. This tower is truly mine, even if I share it. It has my things and no one cares if it seems out of place. It has my books stacked neatly in some places and papers scattered messily on my desk. It has my amazing jacket on my chair and my bed not perfectly made. It has random things that serve no purpose but making me happy and... it has my sister. So close to me; no door or wall or words in between us. Her things are mixed with mine and its so perfectly imperfect.
Its not cold. Its warm. Its warm because this entire house is filled with warmth and love. There's no draft coming from beyond the door. There's no cold indifference or disappointment bleeding into my sanctuary. There is only warmth.
So I sit here. Sitting at my slightly messy desk, with my Boggy, writing things I want to write. Writing what I want, surrounded by the warmth coming from my open door; which is open because I feel like I can have it open... and there's a knock on the frame.
"Hey kiddo." Speaking of warmth.
"Hi Jawbone." I say as I hide what I wrote, looking at the most amazing man I've ever known.
He waits at the door frame because despite it being his house he respects that its my room. But he is always welcomed. Of course I let him in. He walks over and ruffles my hair, pets Boggy, and leans on my desk. And he smiles at me.
"What you writing there?" He asks. Not demands, he asks. But it still makes me anxious.
"Its nothing important." Its not. Its silly and completely unimportant. Its just something I want but I'm not sure I should have. It might cost me something I've just gotten and I've wanted for far longer. So I hide it it despite how much I want to show him. My head down as I cover it more.
There's a slightly clawed hand on my head. Brushing my hair back; tilting my head up. Hands with claws more comforting than an Elven one ever was. Large eyes filled with love and understanding compared to squinting with disdain. A soft, kind smile of fangs instead of perfect teeth curled in a scowl.
"Adaine, you don't ever have to show me something you don't want to share. But I'm right here if you ever do. No matter what." And I know that's true. Because he's standing right here. Not because he has to be but because he wants to be. He's not looking through me; he sees me. He's not demanding of me; he's just letting me know he's here.
"It's silly." I say as I play with the corner of the paper not covered.
"Just because it's silly doesn't mean it's not important," he tells me. And looking at his face I know he believes that. So I take out the paper and give it to him. Not because he forced me but because I want to show him.
He reads it and his eyes start to well up. He's smiling. He envelops me in his arms and its the most amazing hug in the world because of course it is; its Jawbone. Its like being curled up in the softest security blanket. Its so warm. He lets me go and dries his eyes. Then he cups my face and dries my eyes which I hadn't even realized had started to tear up. But I'm smiling too. I'm smiling because I can smile with him.
"How... how long have you wanted this?" He asks while holding onto that paper as if whats written on it is the most precious thing in the world.
"Awhile. I hadn't seriously considered it until you handed me those adoption papers... but I'm not sure I should do it," I tell him because its the truth. Its how I feel. I can tell him how I feel.
"Oh... oh kiddo, why?" He asks me because he cares enough to ask. "Adaine you know if this is something you really want, I'll help you in a heartbeat." The amazing thing about him saying that, is that I know its true.
"It is something I want. I never want to be associated with them ever again. I never want to ever be thought of as their daughter because they were certainly not my parents!" I tell with the rage I feel towards them. The tears return, but they're not for them, they'll never be for them.
Jawbone holds me again. He doesn't scold me, he just lets me cry. He gives me time and he dries my face with the sleeve of his cardigan. He just holds me until I'm ready to continue. I hold him just as tight.
"I don't want to be seen as their daughter because I'm not... but I want to be seen as Aelwyn's sister." I tell him as I loosen my grip and rest my head head on his shoulder. "I'm scared that wanting this will change that. I just got her as my sister; I want people to know that; I don't want to lose it!'
His hand is back in my hair. Combing it as he holds me. He doesn't speak for a moment. He just stands there, holding me. Comforting me. He lets me breathe. He lets me know its okay. That I'm okay.
"Adaine," he says as he lifts my head from his shoulder and directs my face toawrds his. "Sweetheart, your sister loves you and she wants you to be happy. This," he says holding up the paper, "kiddo, that doesn't change that."
"Aelwyn knows how much you want her to be your sister, you've shown her in everyway you know how. The world will know you're family because you both will continue to show it so. What you choose to be called won't change how much she loves you or how much she wants to be your sister because she already decided she's never gonna stop."
He takes my hands and gives me back the paper. Its a doodle of a name. The name I want.
"She's your sister. Shes seen you hurt and shes been the cause of a lot of that hurt. Which is why she's working so hard to make you happy now. And if this," he says as he tightens his hands around mine, "makes you happy, then she'll be happy for you. Cuz a name doesn't connect you as sisters, Adaine. What you do and the love you share for each other does."
I look at him. I see how much he believes in what he says. I begin believe him too. Because he's Jawbone, and I trust him; and he wouldn't tell me something he doesn't believe.
I let go of his hands. I step back from him. The paper held in my left as I raise my right to be shook. I say what I want and what I want to say.
"Hello... I'm Adaine O'Shaughnessey."
He smiles a smile filled with so much love. Love for me. Because he finds me easy to love. He takes my hand.
"Well, Miss O'Shaughnessey, it's certainly an honor to meet you. I'm sure you sister will feel that same."
I smile. I smile so wide, it doesn't matter how stiff my face feels from the dried tears, I just smile. Because I'm happy. I'm happy here. Then, he looks over my shoulder as suddenly arms encircle me from behind. There's a weight on top of my shoulder and blonde hair cascades down my arm.
"She does," Aelwyn, my big sister, says. "Its so good to meet you, baby sister." She kisses my tear stained cheek
Here is my sister, hugging me from behind. Here is Jawbone, a better father that I could ever dream of having, walking towards us. He takes us both in his arms. I hear and feel Aelwyn sigh out as he does so. He plants a kiss to the top of my head as he holds us both tightly to him.
My room can never feel cold again. Because it will always have the warmth of this embrace. The people in this room, in this house; from under the piano to the back of the graveyard, will keep me warm. For with them I am always loved.