Work Text:
Zach:
Thanksgiving.
The day of the year on which you are thankful for what you got. The day on which the whole family comes together to celebrate and fill their bellys with the best food.
At least normally.
At least it has been like this every year until now.
But this time, today, everything is different.
It’s the first Thanksgiving on which I’m just a visitor in my own house. The first semester at college was exhausting, especially since I told my mother on a phonecall that I am studying Guitar And Voice and not Violine. She almost freaked out but, well, what could she have done? It was how it was.
By now the first exams are written and it’s only a couple more weeks until vacation starts. But of course they let us go home for the Thanksgiving-weekend either way.
I haven’t seen Evergreen since almost four months. I don’t know what I expected but it’s impressing how little has changed around here. Everything is still in the same place where it was when I left at the end of July.
Don’t be so dumb, Zach. Of course the trees, benches and streetlights didn’t just change their position.
Nevertheless it’s weird being back, driving through the streets while asking yourself whether you feel at home right now or more like a stranger. My whole life happened in this goddamn town but the distance, the long overdue distance from everything here did change some things.
I’m not me anymore. I’m not Highschool-Zach anymore. I’m no longer a kid from the school where basically everything went wrong that could. I’m no longer a kid from the grade that lost five students within two years. Although I still am that kid and I’m gonna be him forever. But it feels like I’m someone else now. The Zach that got over all this shit. The Zach that concentrates on music now instead of football. The one that got so into studying that he didn’t get in touch with his best friend since almost two months.
In times of school that would have been impossible. I’m now the Zach that survived Highschool.
And ironically, at the beginning it hasn’t been easy to cope with life outside of this shithole and with the newfound freedom. In the first couple of weeks at college I couldn’t help but thinking it wasn‘t fair that I was here in the first place. Why the fuck did I have the privilege to be here, to live, and not Justin? Not Hannah? God, even Bryce and Monty would have deserved to go to college. Most likely I would have never seen them again either way.
But they would be alive and that would have been alright.
After some time the college with all its newness became normal. I barely wasted my time thinking about Evergreen, home, my family and friends. Instead I started striving hard with studying. And singing. And doing sports. And suddenly I was free.
Sometimes I sat with my guitar on a bench in the park until late at night and played until my eyes got tired and I dragged myself back to my room with the last bit of strength in my body and fell asleep the second my head touched the pillow. Sometimes still with my clothes on.
It took some time for me to realize why I didn’t let myself have some free time.
Because every time I did, the negative memories came back to me, digging themselves deep into my mind. Every time I allowed myself to just not do anything at all, I was Highschool-Zach again.
I had a fight on the Football-field, sat in the courtroom to testify for Hannah, stood on Justins funeral and sooner or later I ended up kissing Hannahs lips. And then Alex’s. And every time that happened I became a fucking mess.
I’m driving past Monet’s and turn around to get a quick look inside. This is probably the only place in this hole I have truly missed.
Back then I didn’t go here as often as Clay or Jessica but whenever something was up, someone needed help or had a problem, we would meet up here.
We were all there for each other. Always.
Even when I really was an asshole sometimes and constantly made the wrong decisions. I had friends that I could count on, no matter what day or what time. I am so mad at myself, I could smash my head against a wall right now.
Zach, you are a fucking idiot.
My eyes search for my phone that’s next to me on the passenger seat. They all texted me. Every single one of them, even fucking Charlie St. George, contacted me sooner or later. Because, damnit, they are real friends that don’t forget you two weeks after college started.
I never answered. None of them, except Alex. But at some point that was no longer possible either.
Nevertheless nobody has forgotten me. Since a couple of days I stopped opening the messages, because I know what’s in them.
R u in town too this weekend?
Meet in Monet’s Sunday afternoon?
Man, it’s really time to meet again.
And so on. In this exact second, my phone is vibrating again. For the 12th time since yesterday, Alex is calling, I counted. But I don’t pick up. It fucking hurts but hearing his voice would hurt even more. I know very well that I’m acting like a goddamn asshole since months. Most likely my friends did already go to my mum to ask if I’m still alive.
I miss them. Fuck, I miss them all. Even Clay, who almost drove me to death less than a year ago and completely wrecked my car.
Even fucking Charlie St. George with his fucking cookies.
Sooner or later I’m gonna talk to them all again, that’s what I know. I can’t ignore them forever. Especially Alex would never stop calling and texting. I’m smiling a little thinking about him.
If he wouldn’t exist, I would probably have a totally normal relationship with my friends.
I would be College-Zach, who kinda has his shit together, knows who he is and would look forward to seeing College-Clay and College-Jessica and all the others again.
Instead I’m just fucking confused and this is to 100% the fault of Alex Standall.
The whole thing is so fucked up that I don’t even know who I am anymore. I feel like I no longer know myself. As if my whole life and everything I have ever done had suddenly been questioned. And all because of one tiny little moment.
Alex kissed me. Almost a year ago by now, on the roof of a house we sneaked on, his lips suddenly were on mine. And actually, I never thought that it would be a big deal for me. Alex was confused then and he apologised many times after it happened, always assuring me that it just happened out of the moment and that he wasn’t into me or anything like that.
But while whithin the next months he first started dating Winston and then Charlie and obviously didn’t waste his time thinking about our Out-Of-The-Moment-Kiss, I just couldn’t get it out of my head.
Constantly and everywhere my thoughts faded away to that moment, that feeling of surprise, the warmth of Alex’s lips on mine. I had never thought about Alex’s or even my own sexuality before. I mean, why should I? We both were always straight.
Until he wasn’t.
At the beginning I tried to convince myself that it was just a nice kiss. Nothing more. But the fact that I had my eyes closed and felt the instant urge of pulling him closer to me soon made it impossible to really believe in that.
Eventually I accepted that I really enjoyed the kiss. So what? This didn’t mean that I suddenly turned gay or anything like that.
I thought I could just let the whole thing be but it didn’t work. I couldn’t look at Alex without thinking about the kiss anymore. Sometimes I even catched myself staring at his lips, wishing to do it again. What the hell was wrong with me?
Alex is my best friend.
I repeated this sentence over and over in my head, every time I talked to him, every time I thought about him, every time.
Until even that didn’t work anymore.
After I woke up one night, all sweaty and with a boner because Alex’s naked body was pressed up against mine in my dream, I finally knew something wasn’t right.
What happened to me? I have never, not a single time in my life, had such suggestive thoughts towards another man. I‘ve never associated words like hot or sexy with the imagination of male bodies. I’ve never felt drawn towards a man before and I got some confirmation when I googled Hot Men Shirtless to see if I would react to it in some kind of way. But nothing happened. And for a couple of hours that calmed me down a bit.
Until I saw Alex with Winston at school the next day and my whole body tensed up. They sat on a bench together and were secretly holding hands.
I watched them for a moment.
They didn’t kiss but Alex was constantly staring at Winstons lips and Winston was looking at Alex like he was a little kitten. I couldn’t stop myself from clenching my fists, it happened automatically. I flew into a rage, my heart started racing and I grit my teeth because otherwise I would have screamed. Then I turned away.
I really was jealous of fucking Winston Williams. Because he got to hold Alex’s hand. Because Alex was staring at his lips like he couldn’t wait to kiss them. And I wanted him to look at my lips and hold my hand.
On that same day I was lying in bed at night and tried desperately to understand why.
I wasn’t asking about the what anymore, it was very much clear by now.
I started developing feelings for Alex. I was about to fall in love with him.
It just totally made no sense. We had been friends for so long, even more, we had been
best friends for such a long time but I’ve never had the feeling that it could be more than friendship before the kiss.
If I would really fall in love, why now? Why not earlier?
And why on earth in a goddamn boy?
We went through a lot together, I helped him through the hardest time of his life and he was always there for me as well, no matter what mistakes I made. It’s true, he’s the one person who always has my back and the one I can trust blindly. I even told him that I love him more than once but it was always only in a friendship kind of way and I never wanted to kiss him.
But, well, many things changed with the kiss.
I turn the car into my street. Only a couple hundred metres until I’m there. I’m looking forward to May but don’t really care about Mum or the extended family. I feel the panic inside my chest once I start thinking about that I have to tell mum someday.
That I’m bi.
I, fucking Zach Dempsey, am bisexual.
At least that’s what Google says and I mean, it has to be something like that. Since I am in love with Alex, hetero is water under the bridge.
It took some time, but some day I accepted it just for myself. But at the same time it’s the reason I’m not in contact with my friends since months. And to Alex, who is my friend too but also kinda something different now.
Often I hated myself for it in the past months, lied awake at night and screamed into my pillow. My mum surely would have a problem with it. But my friends?
Never. Which is why it doesn’t make sense at all for me to be scared of them.
Anyway I know I can’t hide from them anymore. It worked for a couple of months but now that we all are in town again, I have no other choice than to meet with them. And if they want an explanation for why the hell I didn’t answer their texts and calls, I’m fucked.
I don’t want to lie to them but the truth scares the hell out of me.
I arrived. I’m parking the car in front of the house, then I stare through the windshield to the front door and wish nothing more than to start the car again and drive away.
Back to college.
Or to Alex.
No, bad idea.
I shake my head to forget it, then I sigh before I get out of the car and enter the lions den.
Alex:
„Peter, give back the phone!“, I laugh but my brother doesn’t even think of it. „Wait, wait, just one more, okay?“, he’s almost dying from laughter.
Peter can’t get enough of those stupid videos me and some of my friends at college sometimes make. Jess was the one who told Peter about Axel, a spider made out of a sock and some straws we created one warm afternoon at the beginning of the semester. We started making those dumb stop-motion videos and somehow they got popular.
I didn’t want my family to know about it but, well, Jess mentioned Axel the spider and now Peter is obsessed. I roll my eyes while he continues watching the short clips.
The plate in front of me is completely empty. I ate a lot, we all did, but there’s still a big piece of the turkey left. Just like every year. I let out a sigh while refilling my glass with water.
The evening drags on awfully slowly, a quick look at the clock tells me it’s only half past ten.
My mum is the one interrupting the silence that spreads throughout the room besides Peter laughing.
„So, are you planning on meeting Charlie tomorrow?“ I choke on my water and some of it lands on my shirt and on the tablecloth.
What did she just say?
My cough doesn’t stop until dad pats me on the back several times. Peter stopped laughing but he still has my phone in his hand. All three of them look at me expectantly and I wonder if anybody in this family ever listens to what I say. When I’m able to breath again I clear my throat.
„I’ve already told you that we’re not together anymore. It’s been almost two months now.“
At least they don’t seem surprised which tells me that they had known it. I quickly swallow the thoughts about Charlie that entered my head when my mum mentioned him. I don’t want to think about him. To be honest, I don’t even miss him but when I think about how I broke his heart when I broke up with him, I get a sinking feeling in my stomach.
Our time together has been nice, everything was fresh and new and Charlie did everything to make me feel good. In the time after prom and throughout the summer I think I really was in love with him but after that the feelings faded. I haven’t once sayed I love you to him even though I wanted to. Every time I was about to do it, the words were stuck in my throat.
It didn’t bother him, Charlie is most likely the most patient person I know.
But I hated myself for it. I wanted to love him but something felt wrong.
I desperately blamed the fading feelings on the distance between us, me being at Berkeley and him being in Evergreen even though I knew very well that there was a different reason.
Charlie still texts me regularly even though we’re not a couple anymore since some weeks. He’s as kind as always, never imposes himself on me and isn’t angry when I only answer after a few days. He still wants to make sure I’m okay because I still mean a lot to him.
Nevertheless I know that I broke his heart and getting in touch with him now would only make it harder for him to get over me.
I explain all that to my family whereupon mum apologizes meekly for having mentioned Charlie and then she leaves it.
But while dad starts talking to Peter about college I still have this unpleasant feeling in my stomach and emptiness in my head, as if something important is missing.
„Bro, your phone’s ringing!“, my brother pulls me back to reality. I grab the phone out of his hand and in the second I see who’s disturbing the Thanksgiving-evening my heart is in my boots. Zach.
Zach.
This stupid idiot. My heart starts beating faster and I don’t know if it’s out of happiness or out of anger. Zach Dempsey, my so-called best friend, is still alive.
Good to fucking know.
I haven’t heared from him since months. Nobody‘s heard from him, it was like he just stopped knowing us. But it was always very much clear that he would come back someday.
I’m curious to hear what dubious excuses he’s got for me.
„Sorry, I gotta answer that. Won’t be long“, I excuse myself and pick up the phone while walking from the dining room to the hallway.
„Zach?“
Silence.
„You there?“
Breathing. Deep breathing. Zachs breathing.
I roll my eyes.
„Say something or don’t but don’t waste my time, Dempsey.“
„Alex“, he finally says and the way he says it makes my hackles rise.
I don’t answer. He can damn well know that his behaviour within the past months drove me crazy.
„Alexxx? You still there?“
Is he babbling?
If I recall correctly he got his alcohol problem under control throughout the summer.
„Yes, I’m still here“, I sigh.
„Good. Good, good… yeah really good.“
He’s totally boozed.
A part of me just wants to hang up. If he survived without me until today he could have easily waited a couple more hours until tomorrow. But at the same time another part of me latches on to the phone, desperately wanting to know what got him to finally call again.
I ignore my wildly thumping heart and take a deep breath.
„What do you want?“, I ask and it sounds cooler than I thought it would.
Again Silence.
„Damn it, Zach!“
„Er, yes, sorry… I’m sorry. So I just wanted to say that I… I kinda drank toooo much… I think. And now I’m somehow… standinginfrontofyourhouse. Don’t know how… how I got here buuut I just threw up on your… your front lawn. And then I called you. I don’t know… I thought your, er, parents shouldn’t… shouldn’t see me that way, that’s why I didn’t ring the door… the door bell.“
This fucking idiot.
„It’s fucking Thanksgiving, Zach! What the hell do you think you are doing?“
The question is completely unneccessary. Obviously he didn’t think at all.
„I don’t know, okay? Really… no idea how I got here.“
I have to go outside, put him in my car and get him home. I don’t even want to know how mad his mother is.
Zachs breathing continues reaching my ear and I know I cannot let him down.
No matter how much I want to hate him right now because he’s been ignoring me since months, because he’s showing up drunk in front of my house on Thanksgiving, because I have no clue what all of this is about.
He’s still my best friend.
„Just stay where you are. Give me two minutes. And, oh, please don’t throw up on the cars.“
„Okay.“
Bugged out I hang up and stuff the phone in my pocket.
Then it comes to my mind that I now actually have what I wanted since the evening started. A reason to leave and escape this family dinner where one minute feels like one long slow hour. For a short moment, I laugh. Zach Dempsey is saving me again.
And I’m saving him. Guess some things never change.
I told my parents I had to go help Zach with something and promised to be back as soon as possible. As I’m tieing my shoes, throwing over a jacket and grabbing the keys from the shelf, I try to ignore the never-ending trember in my hands.
It’s only Zach, I tell myself.
And not a problem that didn’t already occur multiple times.
But still I hold my breath when I open the front door.
There he is.
Zach.
My Zach, I want to think but I quickly put the thought aside.
My heart doesn’t know if it should be racing or stop beating at all as it changes from fast to slow beats.
He really is here, it’s not an illusion. After months of silence he’s standing here in the drive between the cars. And he hasn’t thrown up on them yet!
Zach looks up to me and I hide my hands in the pockets of the jacket so he doesn’t see how much they tremble.
He himself doesn’t wear a jacket, only a light blue shirt whose two upper buttons are open.
Why do I recognize that at first?
His dark eyes flash at me and his mouth is slightly open. He looks so awake that if his head wouldn’t shake a little from the one side to the other and he wouldn’t hold a half filled bottle of whiskey in his hand, no one would think that he’s drunk.
I’m still standing at the top of the stairs and all of a sudden I’m thinking about the kiss.
Why do I have to think about that stupid kiss now?
Almost a year has passed since then but I can still remember the exact moment it happened.
And how good it felt. But it’s still the last thing I’m allowed to think of now. Or ever.
I feel the urge to hug him and to tell him that I missed him a goddamn lot and it’s not an easy task to bear up against it. But I also recognize the seething anger inside of me because he ignored me, his fucking best friend, for months without explanation.
What the hell did you do, Zach?
I can’t freak out now but I also can’t pretend that I’m super happy he just showed up in the middle of the night, in a state that is pretty much everything but sober.
So I just shake my head in disbelief while walking down the stairs to get to him.
„What the fuck, Zach?“ He doesn’t move but waites until I stand directly in front of him. Now it’s my turn to look up. Is it possible that he has grown again? He’s almost two heads taller than me and, wow, he really smells of booze.
Besides, he’s still not attempting to speak so I push slightly against his chest with one hand and he stumbles backwards a little.
„Can you explain what’s the point of all this?“
Now he’s looking at me in a weird way, as if I’m already supposed to know what the point is.
Do I?
Zach takes a sip of the whiskey which I observe disgusted, then he sighes and then, finally, he shows me that he hasn’t forgotten how to speak.
„Hi.“
My eyebrows raise automatically. I would really enjoy slapping him in the face right now.
„Hi? Are you kidding me? You don’t get in touch for months, you stop answering my calls and messages, you fucking left my life and then you show up again on Thanksgiving, drunk and in the middle of the night? And all you have to say is Hi?! God, what’s wrong with you?“
He looks down to the floor, nods, runs his free hand through his hair what messes them up.
I can see how he tries hard to put together words that form a correct sentence.
„I guess, you… you won’t believe me when I say I was busy?“
I stare at him in disbelief. „Are you fucking serious right now? Zach, it’s college! Everyone of us is busy. And nobody except you stopped texting. So can you please pull yourself together now and tell me where the hell you have been?“
He lifts the bottle to his lips again but before he’s able to drink I pluck it out of his hand. „Hey, what are you doing?“, he shouts while I dump the rest of the Whiskey on our lawn.
„You had enough for today. And for the next five years“, I answer dryly.
He’s standing defiant in front of me and waits until I put the empty bottle on the bottom step of the stairs. „Zach, for real, don’t you think it’s time for you to stop acting like this and start being an adult?“
He’s crossing his arms in front of his chest like a child that doesn’t get candy from momma. But in his eyes I can see that he knows I’m right and for the moment that’s enough. Still, the feeling that everything is my fault stays. His alcohol consumption and that he’s been keeping me out of his life for so long. Although it doesn’t make any sense.
Or does it?
„Y’know what, Alex? You… you think you’re sooo clever but you know nothing, okay? Absolutely nothing“, Zach tries to sound threatening but his babbling makes it impossible.
I smirk a little. „Well, for once you’re actually right. As for you, I don’t know a thing anymore. Could be because we didn’t talk for two months which is because, oh yes, because you started shutting me out. Funny story, Zach.“
He doesn’t know what to answer. Breathing heavily, he stands in front of me and his mouth opens and then closes again without a single word coming out. He looks so lost.
„Fuck you, Alex.“
He says it quietly but in a firm voice. And all at once my heart feels so heavy. Zach is here, tears in his eyes and doesn’t know what to say. I already saw him drunk often, I know how he acts when he is, but until today he never ran out of words.
I have so many questions on the tip of my tongue but now isn’t the right time to ask any of them.
What went wrong?
Why didn’t you talk to me?
What is it that you are keeping from me?
Do you think about the kiss sometimes?
No, the last question needs to be deleted. Better I cancel the word kiss in connection with Zach completely from my vocabulary. I don’t even know why I’m suddenly thinking about it again.
Either way it’s not important now. I have to get Zach away from here, bring him home and ensure that he sobers up. Before that, I can’t count on getting to a real conversation with him.
So I just push past him while holding my breath so I don’t have to breath in his smell of alcohol anymore.
Because of the alcohol smell, Alex, really?
As I open the car, sit in and then turn around to him, he’s still standing there unchanged and throws me a questioning look.
„What are you doing?“, he wants to know.
My hands tighten around the steering wheel and I bite my tongue. I hate it when he’s drunk.
„What does it look like, Einstein?“, I call out and gesture to him to finally sit down as well.
But he doesn’t move.
„My god, Zach, come on! I’m gonna drive you home and if need be I will put you to bed and tuck you in myself. And then you will sleep off your intoxication because right now you’re fit for nothing. So do me a favor and just. Come! On!“
And, oh wonder, the short outburst of rage shows off. Three seconds later he opens the passenger door and falls down on the seat next to me. And again three seconds later he mumbles to my surprise: „I’m sorry… for everything. I’m just so fucked up.“
I throw a look at him from aside and start to relax a bit. Zachs eyes are still glassy and he stares on the dashboard without a single bit of emotion but at least he’s here.
With me.
And only now I realize how much I really missed him.
And how much I still need him.
I catch myself looking at his lips and quickly turn my head back.
Stop that, Alex.
Then I start the car.
Zach:
My ears are buzzing.
My head hurts like shit.
I feel dizzy.
And I’m possibly gonna throw up in the car soon.
But at least Alex is next to me and takes care of me. He makes me feel so safe and he probably doesn’t even know it.
I think he hates me.
But he’s here even though I can’t speak properly right now and I’m a complete wreck. It’s likely that I messed up his plans for tonight. He surely wanted to meet up with Charlie.
Who would want to take care of his broken best friend when he could spend time with his perfect boyfriend instead?
I look over to Alex. Since we started driving none of us has said a word. Yet there is so much I have to say. So much unspoken truth. I wish I could just grab him at his shoulders and scream all the words into his face.
And then kiss him.
But that’s not a good idea because first of all, I’m drunk, and second, we would probably get into a car accident.
Oh, and third, Alex is taken.
„How’s Charlie?“, I ask and the words stumble out of my mouth before I can stop them.
Alex fixates a little more on the street in front of us. He doesn’t look at me, not even for a second.
„I don’t know, Zach“, he answers.
He doesn’t know? What’s that supposed to mean?
Why won’t he just tell me? Why does he refuse to give me the answers I don’t want to but need to hear so I can maybe get over him one day and accept that a future with Alex Standall is impossible.
„You can… can tell me“, I say. My babbling sounds absent.
The throbbing in my forehead gets stronger from minute to minute and the buzzing in my ears gets louder.
I can’t fall asleep now, I think while my eyelids start to feel heavy.
„There’s nothing to tell“, Alex sighs.
I pull myself together and resist the urge to just close my eyes and drift away into the confusing world of dreams. I don’t understand Alex.
Were those two months enough for him to not trust me with his cheesy love stories anymore?
I tense up and turn away from him as the pictures that are haunting me since months come back to my mind.
Alex with Charlie.
Holding hands.
Kissing.
On the football field.
In the bus.
On his bed.
I can’t bear any of it but I still want Alex to confirm the pictures to be true, to tell me that things are still as good as half a year ago. So I can maybe stop thinking about it.
Even now my heart starts throbbing inside my chest and my breathing gets shallow, thinking about Alex with Charlie. I am so jealous. And I hate myself for it because I could’ve stopped it. At least that’s what I’m telling myself.
„Forget it, Zach. You saved my life and I just got rolled over by a wave of adrenaline. The kiss was only out of the moment. Nothing more.“
I still remember what Alex told me back then word for word. Why is it then, that I’m sure he was lying?
„Okay, Alex, you don’t… don’t have to tell me ab-about Charlie. Really, you don’t. But I’m happy for… for you. Honestly, it’s so… so good to know that you’re happy. He matches you, Alex. I mean Charlie. Yeah… the perfect Charlie.“
What the hell are you saying, Zach?
I should just keep my mouth shut but I can neither stop myself from saying the words out loud nor from sounding utterly sarcastic.
The perfect Charlie.
„Zach“, Alex murmurs. Nothing else, just my name. I know I’m only saying shit I shouldn’t say right now but I can’t continue sitting next to him in silence. It’s roaring inside my head as if someone is holding a drilling machine against it. But I still feel how I get more and more furious.
Zach, you’re blue.
Just keep your damned mouth shut.
Don’t lose control.
I continue to repeat these phrases in my head again and again but it doesn’t work. My mouth no longer does what my brain wants. I can’t stop myself.
„I get… get it, Alex, really. What you like about him. I mean, he… he’s fucking Charlie St. George and he’s… perfect. Who wouldn’t fall in love with… with a cute, kind, white, blonde boy that realizes each… each of your wishes? I mean, he can bake and he’s Quarterback and he’s probably very good in… in bed too.“
I didn’t think it was possible but I’m just about to ruin everything even more than it already is.
„Zach-“, Alex begins again but I interrupt him.
„Also, he always has the sup… support of his dad, no matter what he’s doing. And of course he never… makes any… mistakes. His mum is dead and he’s… doing fine with it, he has two healthy knees and no… no problem with alcohol. He’s perfect. So I… really understand that you… you spend your time rather with him than with me.“
„Who on earth said that-“
„You know what, Alex?“, I interrupt again and my voice gets louder, „You don’t have to… bring me home. It would be better for the both of us if you would… just kick me out and leave. I’m not… not good for you. Go to Charlie and do all the… things with him boyfriends do. I can manage everything alone somehow. Go and be happy with the perfect Cha-“
The car stops so abruptly that my head almost smashes on the dashboard. Alex slammed on the brakes in the middle of the empty dark street.
„Bite me, Zach, just shut the fuck up!“, he shouts and I’m falling into silence immediately. „I have no clue what the alcohol did to you tonight or what you’re trying to prove but stop it now! You know nothing! If you had answered my texts or calls only once in the past two months you would know that I’m not with Charlie anymore! Shit, Zach, who do you think you are?! Do you think you can just leave my life and then come back when you feel like it? Do you even have the slightest idea how hard it was when you ghosted me the moment I needed you the most?!“
The roaring in my head stops within a second. I’m just sitting here in my seat, slumped and feeling like I’m nothing more than an empty shell. My hands are numb. My feet as well.
I’ve never in my entire life heared Alex screaming like that. Angry like that. I slowly realize everything he just said to me and suddenly I feel awake again.
He’s not with Charlie anymore.
„You’re not with him anymore?“, I ask again making sure I didn’t mishear it. Shit, shit, shit.
Alex has put his arms on the steering wheel and stares into the emptiness.
„No“, he answers and it’s only a quiet whisper.
I release a quick breath, realizing only now that I’ve been holding it. Then I swallow the knot in my throat and barely manage to hold back my tears.
Fuck.
„Shit, man, I’m sorry“, I croak. I really ruined it.
Alex shakes his head. „It’s okay. In the end we didn’t work as good as a couple as we thought we would. But, you know, especially in the first days after the break up I really would’ve needed my best friend. I wasn’t fucking prepared to lose both people that are the most important to me at the same time!“
His voice gets louder again but he doesn’t look at me. I feel my heart starting to race. I am the most important person in his life. And I just disappeared.
After all, I finally start crying. Out of nowhere the tears stream down my face and I can’t hold them back any longer. I don’t want to. I’m not Highschool-Zach anymore but I’m also not College-Zach, now I’m only Asshole-Zach. I wanted Alex to be happy but instead I let him down. My best friend.
My fucking best friend who finally turns around to me, sitting helpless while I sob and the tears won’t come to an end. I bury the face in my hands, not wanting him to see me like this, not wanting to be vulnerable.
„You know what, Zach, I don’t get it. I’m the one who has been let down. I’m the one who has been ignored the past two months. I should be sitting here crying. So can you please finally tell me what’s going on?“
I look up, right in Alex’s blue eyes that look back at me worried but also uncomprehending.
„Sorry“, I manage to splutter out in between two sobs, „I fucked it up. Because I fuck everything up, Alex. Every fucking time. That’s just my life.“ I have to say more, I want to say more but I get interrupted by another sob.
Alex’s forehead is furrowed and he waits.
„It’s my fault. Everything that happened is my fault. I just… wanted you to be happy with Ch-Charlie and-“
This time he’s the one to interrupt me. „Zach, what has all of this got to do with Charlie anyway? You’re only talking about him all the time. He’s not a part of my life anymore and you talking about him constantly doesn’t make it better.“
„You don’t understand it, Alex! It’s all got to do with him and you and… mostly with me. Yeah, you’re right, I don’t know a thing about what has happened in your life the past months but… but you have no clue about what I went through the whole past year. No. Fucking. Clue.“
Alex furrows his brows. He’s still mad and hurt and I know he doesn’t recognize me right now. I don’t even myself.
„So, that’s how it works now? You just turn the tables and now you’re the one left alone with everything? I am sorry to tell you that not everything is always about you!“
I’m not able to look him in the eyes any longer. There’s so much disappointment in them that I begin to feel an uncomfortable pain in my chest. So I stare outside the windshield again. Until now not a single car drove by. The street is fully deserted.
„Fucking shit, that’s not what I meant to say“, I mumble, more to myself than to him, „What if we’re both fucked? And what if… What if it’d be different if I hadn’t been a goddamn coward my whole life?“
„Zach, what the hell are you talking about?“
I’m still crying but I finally managed to stop sobbing. The tears just find their way silently out of my eyes, rolling down my cheeks and dripping on my shirt.
„I… I can’t…“, I stammer.
„Zach…“, Alex whispers.
His voice is changing with every sentence, from soft to furious and from furious to soft.
I am so tired. And so broken. And with every second that passes I realize more and more how much I need Alex. How much I love him.
I love him? Did I really just think that?
That’s definitely the alcohol in my blood.
„Do you think about the kiss sometimes?“, I burst out. My voice is shaking.
„Er… I- I dunno…“
My heart is racing while my mouth fills with words like a bathtub that overflows at some point. I can’t remain silent. Not anymore. Maybe it’s just the fucking alcohol but I. Can’t. Keep. Quiet. Anymore. My head flips around to Alex and his eyes bore into mine once again.
„Because I do, you know? Every fucking day to be honest. And then I think about how you said that the kiss had no meaning and how I never believed you and how I have never, since the moment it happened, been honest with you again and how maybe everything could’ve been different if I just hadn’t been a coward for only one tiny second. But I am, you understand? I am a fucking stupid coward and then it was too late either way and then suddenly Charlie was there and he was even more perfect than perfect and then I realized that maybe I had lost my only chance to become happy and I hate myself for it, Alex, I hate myself so much for it…“
I take a deep breath while Alex next to me opens his mouth and then closes it again without saying a thing. The words are still in the air between us as if they haven’t reached him yet.
Shit, did I just mess it all up even more?
Alex is shaking his head as if he tries to sort out his thoughts.
„Wait, wait, wait“, he finally says, „What are you trying to tell me?“
I bite my tongue. I need to sleep.
Sleep, sleep, sleep.
Until I’m sober again.
„So, if the kiss didn’t mean anything to you that’s good for you but to me it… it did, okay? I know it seemed like I didn’t care about anything back then but the truth is I did. The kiss… Fuck, I don’t know what was going on there but whatever it was, it changed me. I felt… felt things I hadn’t felt since Hannah. Fucking Hannah! But I couldn’t, I don’t know man, I couldn’t just tell you I liked… the kiss. I couldn’t because first you are my best friend and second you are a guy and I had never kissed a guy before and the last thing I expected was to like it. And also, I am a coward who has always been lying to himself and others.“
A new wave of sobs interrupts my monologue. I can’t do anything against it, it just overwhelmes me and again I’m crying like a little baby.
I can’t remember ever having felt this shitty before.
Alex stays quiet for a long time and waits until I calm down at least a little.
Then he simply says: „You don’t know what you’re saying, Zach.“
„Yes, I do!“, I shout at him, „For once in my life I know exactly what I’m saying!“
I’m sobbing again and then I continue very quietly: „For a long time I didn’t know anything anymore, Alex. You can’t even imagine how terrible that was. I felt… like I didn’t know who I was anymore. It was as if from one moment to the next, the old Zach was gone and replaced by a new person. Someone I didn’t recognize. Fuck, I was a complete stranger to myself. The only thing I knew for sure was that I really fucking enjoyed this kiss and that I couldn’t look you in the eyes anymore without thinking about doing it again and that seeing you with Winston was killing me. And all of it scared the shit out of me. It still does. I… thought I could maybe talk to you about all this one day but then Charlie was there and it was too late for me. Throughout the whole past months I… I hoped that the feelings would go away again. But they didn’t and I’m pretty sure that it will stay this way for a while. I’m sorry, Alex, really… I’m sorry for being such a dumb idiot. And for having you listen to my crying even though it won’t change a thing.“
I’m finished, take a deep breath again and then I try to stop crying. It doesn’t work.
Nothing in my life works.
Alex doesn’t look at me anymore. He has turned away and stares into the emptiness, somewhere on the street that fades into the fog of a cold November night.
Thanksgiving, it comes to my mind. Today is Thanksgiving and I ran away from home and now I’m in the car of my best friend who doesn’t talk to me anymore because I just confessed to him that I have feelings for him since almost a year. And also, I am so drunk that I don’t know how I could even say so many words without getting completely muddled.
I let my gaze wander from Alex’s eyes to his nose and then to his mouth, chin, neck, hair and I try very hard not to think about how much I want to touch him. But I fail at that too.
The silence between us is as unbearable as the ache in my head and the pain in my chest. It eats me up from the inside, bites through my bones and muscles and it goes on until there’s nothing left of me except my ripped, ruined, broken heart that somehow still continues beating.
It hurts as I finally tear my eyes away from him and look down on my hands.
It hurts as the tears finally dry up and I begin to feel nothing at all anymore.
And it hurts most as Alex starts the car again, continues driving and says: „You gotta get to bed. And that’s where I’m bringing you now.“
His voice is completely emotionless.
I don’t really recall much from the rest of the drive. The tiredness almost kills me by now, wrapping me up like a curtain. My eyes shut, then open after a couple of seconds only to close again a moment later.
No one of us says a single word but maybe it’s okay like that because my tongue rests heavy like a metal block in my mouth and I don’t know if would be able to say something in the first place.
At some point we arrive. I can’t tell whether it’s been five minutes or an hour when Alex parks the car and gets out. I stay seated, don’t move because every inch of my body screams for rest and my bones are hurting and I just feel as drained as never before.
As Alex pulls my door open, I sigh. My arms refuse to push up from the seat, my legs refuse to stand and still I manage to get out of the car.
The world is spinning way too fast and my vision is blurred. But I recognize my mum standing in the front door with crossed arms and a look in her eyes that makes me swallow hard.
Slowly I make my way towards her and I hate that Alex is right next to me, taking care that I don’t fall over.
As if he could catch me.
I want to push past Mum to get inside but she‘s blocking the way. I close my eyes because I know what’s coming.
„Zachary Shan-Yung-Dempsey“, she says and her voice is shaking with anger. „What for gods sake do you think you’re doing?“
I blink while my brain is trying to put words together that never leave my lips. But she doesn’t even give me a chance to answer. Instead she talks at me and I don’t even know whether she’s shouting or speaking calmly because her words aren’t reaching out to me.
My head closes up, it’s as if I’m standing underneath a big bell jar.
I feel so dizzy. It can’t be long now until my feet will lose their hold on the ground and I’ll faint. At the very last moment I stumble backwards a little and hold onto the stair railing with one hand.
Finally Mum stops talking. The only thing I notice is how she turns around and says: „Thanks for bringing him home, Alex.“
Alex. I have almost forgotten he’s here.
„No problem“, he answers and his voice sounds far away even though he’s standing right next to me. I’m looking at the wall between him and Mum because I don’t want to look at either of them.
But as Alex turns to leave my hand grabs his shoulder automatically and stops him.
What am I doing here?
„Stay.“ The word falls out of my mouth like a raindrop from a cloud.
„Zach!“, my mum shouts at me, „This behaviour stops right now!“
I don’t even react to it, the only thing I can think of right now is that I’ve really got a talent for embarassing myself more than possible.
But to my own surprise Alex turns back to me and I look away because I’m very sure that I’m going to make a big mistake when I look into his blue eyes a second too long.
„It’s alright, Miss Dempsey“, he says to Mum. I can feel his hesitation. „Maybe… Maybe I should really stay here. Zach isn’t in a good place at the moment and he’s been talking nonsense. I think it would be better if he isn’t alone tonight.“
Talking nonsense? In my inside I’m screaming.
Wait a second. He wants to stay?
The next few minutes (or hours?) pass like in a trance. I stop listening to the convo between Alex an Mum at all, the headache tears me apart at this point and the dizziness gets so bad I think I might have to throw up again.
At some point I feel hands on my arm and my waist and somehow my body drags me up the stairs.
A sweatpants.
An ibuprofen.
A sleeping mat.
These are the only pictures still running through my mind as I’m finally laying in bed. I don’t know how late it is. My whole body is numb, I don’t feel anything anymore. I think I threw up once again.
The sleeping mat I still remember lays in front of the foot of my bed. And Alex is on it. The bed would’ve been big enough and we already slept in here together multiple times but tonight I am glad he’s not next to me. I couldn’t bear it.
Nevertheless I’m glad he’s here at all. I can’t even see him but only knowing he’s here, less than ten feet away from me calms down my pumping heart a little.
Even though I am very sure he hates me.
He hates me, he hates me, he hates me.
But he’s here.
My eyes are closing and this time they don’t open again.
Is Alex already sleeping?
I hope I didn’t overwhelm him so much with everything I said that he can’t sleep now.
Something is tearing at me, at my consciousness. It wants to pull me away into the redeeming sleep I long for since hours. But I’m holding against it.
Why am I holding against it?
With the last ounce of my strength I open my mouth and ask what I want to know since a very long time.
„Do you sometimes think about what could have been?“
Nothing. I wait but there’s no answer coming. He‘s already asleep.
I’m yawning and then I slowly drift away, letting the black wrap me up completely. Until I hear the answer, with the last spark of consciousness, shortly before the darkness swallows me.
„Yes.“
I open my eyes and shut them tight again the next second. Fuck, it’s bright!
At the second attempt I keep them open and slowly get used to the light that floads my room.
My room.
It’s actually my room that I find myself in. My bed in my room in my house in Evergreen. Home.
My eyes search for the alarm clock on my bedside table. It’s 06:37. Way too early, I think.
And then I’m beginning to ask myself how I even got here. I can’t remember laying down in my bed, I can’t remember anything to be honest.
How long did I sleep?
What happened last night?
My head hurts as if someone had beaten me with a frying pan and it’s not getting better once I sit up in bed. I push away the blanket because I’m sweating even though it’s more cold than warm inside my room.
Fuck, do I have a hangover?
I try desperately to remember something, anything, but I everything I can manage to dig out of my mind are incoherent shreds of memories.
A bottle of whiskey, a car, a sleeping mat. And the face of the person I thought of every day a little more within the past year. I’m just about to get up to search my phone to call him for the first time since two months as the door opens.
And everything comes back to me.
Alex remains undecided in the door when he sees that I’m awake and everything I can think of is Oh god, Oh god, Oh god. And then Fuck, Fuck, Fuck.
I know everything again, every little detail of what happened but now I wish to forget it again. I’d like to be struck by lightning right now because Alex is here in my room and he’s wearing sweatpants that are way too big for him and an oversized t-shirt of mine and he looks so cute and small that I wish I could kiss him right here and right now and he knows it.
He knows it all because I told him all of it. I think I’ve never been so embarrassed before.
„Good morning“, he says and tries to smile a little while I stare at him like he’s a ghost.
„How are you feeling?"
„Please tell me that my memories are trying to fool me“, I blurt out.
No, no, no. That just can’t be true.
Alex laughs and I think I’m dying.
„Depends on what exactly you remember“, he answers and takes a sip from the cup I realize only now he’s holding. „If you mean that you’ve been sitting in my car just a couple hours ago, drunk as hell and that you’ve been crying like there would be no tomorrow and wanted to make me believe you’re in love with me, then I gotta tell you: No, your memories aren’t fooling you. That’s really what happened.“
I’m fucked. I’m really really fucked.
As Alex comes walking across the room and to make matters worse even sits down on the edge of the bed, less than three feet away from me, I inhale sharply.
He looks so good it hurts.
His light brown hair is falling messy on his forehead and he almost drowns in my grey ACDC shirt. It would be fine with me if he would keep it, after today I can’t wear it anymore without thinking about how he looked in it either way.
„Coffee?“, Alex asks, holding out the cup to me.
I just nod, taking it and sipping the hot drink carefully. Then I pause for a second.
The coffee is black, the way I always drink it but not Alex.
„You never drink it without milk and sugar“, I murmur puzzled.
Alex blushes slightly. „I… I kinda had the assumption you would be awake.“
„Oh“, is the only thing I manage to say.
Then it’s quiet.
I’m slurping the coffee and avoiding his gaze while I very well realize he’s keeping an eye on me the whole time.
My dried out throat is thankful for the bitter liquid and I finally start feeling awake again.
I clear my throat once I’m finished. I should probably say something.
I just don’t have any idea what.
„So“, I begin, „How did you sleep?“
„Well“, he answers shortly.
After all, my gaze meets his again.
He looks at me expectantly and in this moment I decide that it doesn’t make sense to hide the truth any longer. I already said it either way, I said all of it so for one time in my life I can pull myself together now, not be a coward and stand by what I said.
„It’s true“, I croak and pay attention to Alex’s reaction but there is none except that he slightly raises his eyebrow.
„What I said last night… It’s true. All of it. And I’m sorry.“ My heart is racing.
Is this it now? Is this the end of our friendhsip?
„I know“, Alex sighs.
He knows??
I take a deep breath in order to ask what he means but he continues talking.
„Some people are of the opinion that you’re only talking nonsense when you’re drunk but you and I of all people know best that in reality you’re telling nothing but the truth. And especially the ones that have been kept in for a long time.“
I swallow. Something tells me that that wasn’t all he wants to say. There’s something in his eyes I cannot read.
I’m scared of where this conversation is going.
„I’m sorry“, I repeat whispering and feel how my eyes are filling with tears.
Alex shakes his head.
„Just don’t start crying again, Dempsey. And stop apologizing permanently. I’m the one who should do that. You were… feeling like shit and I completely shutted you out. That didn’t help any of us. But you… you just confused me, man. Believe me, I was expecting everything but not that. I was fucking overwhelmed and also angry because I hadn’t heared a thing from you since months.“
„Sorry“, I answer abashed.
He’s staring at me, piercing me with his eyes and his mouth is slightly open.
Don’t look at his mouth!
„Are you doing that on purpose?“, he wants to know.
„Sorry“, I repeat before biting my lip and shutting my eyes.
Wow, Dempsey, you really lost your last three braincells.
„You idiot“, I hear him say and when I open my eyes again his face is alarmingly close to mine. Much closer as a couple of seconds ago.
I’m getting hot and cold at the same time and open my mouth to say something but I’m choking on all the words.
Suddenly he’s right here within reach and I can’t talk anymore and think in no way.
What is he doing, what is he doing, what is he doing.
He looks at me, his faces only inches from mine and I feel like he’s looking right into my soul.
And I’m okay with it.
I’m okay with sitting here, having a hangover after not touching alcohol for months, with too less sleep and a too heavy headache, when I can just drown in Alex’s blue eyes.
And as I feel his hand on the side of my neck I forget who I am.
This is how it feels like to kiss Alex. To really kiss him. I don’t know who of us did the first step, I don’t know why it’s happening at all in the first place, the only thing I know is that it’s happening.
And it’s real and genuine and I think I’m really dying right now.
Wrong, I think I will die if Alex is ever going to stop.
Kissing him feels like running up a down escalator.
It feels like standing in the eye of a hurricane.
It feels like a drug you get addicted to after the first time.
And it’s real.
It is real, it is real, it is real.
Alex’s lips lay perfectly on mine and he kisses me and I kiss back or the other way around and the world seems to spin faster and faster until everything around us disappears and the only things left are him and me. Him and me and our lips and hands in the middle of a swirl of words and feelings and truths.
My hands are on his hips, pulling him closer to me until his chest touches mine and there’s nothing that could get between us.
Alex tastes like coffee and a little like toothpaste and I never want anything else than to taste him, kiss him, touch him.
Our tongues meet and I’m asking myself how much longer it will take for me to explode in a thousand little pieces.
Alex’s hands are in my hair as the kiss intensifies more and more. I don’t know where is left and where is right anymore and I’m afraid I’m really going to forget who I am soon.
It wouldn’t matter.
It wouldn’t matter if I would forget who I am as long as I’m here with him. Alex lets out a sigh as I start sucking on his lower lip and my whole body starts shivering.
This is what I want. This and nothing else. And he wants it too.
He wants it too.
As we break apart I’m gasping for air. I completely ran out of breath and I have never loved it like I do right now before. Should I ever suffocate while kissing him, this would most likely be the best death I could wish for.
Alex sits right in front of me, he’s breathing heavily as well and runs his hand through his hair which makes them even messier than before.
„I’m sorry“, he’s panting and looks at me carefully. He looks like a little puppy and I really have to stop myself from pulling him back to me and kiss him until he sighs like that again.
„Stop apologizing, you idiot“, I imitate him. He grins and I grin back. „Why did you do that?“, I ask then, suddenly getting a little scared.
What if he only did it to comfort me?
He shakes his head and laughs. „Zach, man, you are really fucking lamebrained.“
Am I?
„You were right last night. When you said you never believed me I only kissed you because of the adrenaline.“
I blink and immediately I‘m calmed down again. As Alex takes my hand in his I get goosebumps.
Is this really happening right now?
„I had feelings for you. But, well, you made it pretty clear that you weren’t into guys. D’you remember the camping trip? When we drove out on the lake with the boat instead of finding that stupid treasure?“
„And you almost drowned?“
He laughs again. „Yeah, exactly.“
„As if I could ever forget it. After all I was the one who saved you.“
„Yeah, well, in any case you said something back then. Something that I won’t ever forget. You said, Happiness just makes us unhappy. That’s why you gotta be okay not being happy.“
I swallow. It’s right, that’s what I said.
„You know…“, I say, „I said that because of you. Because back then I couldn’t accept being in love with you. I knew it and I think I also understood it but… I couldn’t accept it. I’m sorry.“
We’re looking at each other and again I have to force myself not to start crying. I never thought that I would tell him all of this one day.
„You know what?“, Alex answers at some point, „How about we both stop apologizing to each other now?“
I let out a laugh. „Yeah, okay. No more apologies, I promise.“
„Good. So, what I wanted to tell you, back then when you said that to me on that boat I started to accept that my feelings for you made no sense. Because you would never return them. From this moment on the boat I started to let go.“
That hurts. But I understand it, I understand him so well and I still hate myself for all of this.
„And then Charlie came and he was pretty much madly in love with me and I kinda threw myself in that new relationship because I really wanted to find a new love. Y’know, I didn’t want to continue wasting my time thinking about someone who’s not the right person for me. I wanted to love and to be loved and I tried. I really tried. It worked for a while but then it didn’t anymore. It was like I had used up all the love I could give him. So I broke up with him and somehow it was even okay for me. Well, and then I spent the next two months trying to convince myself that we didn’t work because of him and me, because of our relationship and I didn’t even allow myself to think of a different reason. To think of you. Until you got in that car with me yesterday. That was when I finally understood it. I think I already knew it for a long time but, well, the difference between knowing and understanding is just as big as the one between understanding and accepting.“
Alex is finished and I need a moment to find words again.
„So… If I got that right, that means that your behaviour was the reason for my behaviour and my behaviour the reason for yours and that’s why we both didn’t get what we actually wanted for such a long time?“
He nods. „Yeah, you could say it like that.“
„And…“, I’m grinning because I can’t believe it, „If I got that right, that means you’re in love with me?“
Alex’s smile gets wider. When he says it, my heart is making backflips inside my chest.
„Yes, Zach Dempsey, you dumbass, and I never thought that I would say it out loud to you one day, but yes. I… I am in love with you. Since a really fucking long time.“
He’s still holding my hand in his and as he reaches out with his other hand and touches my cheek I close my eyes.
„You’re in love with me“, I whisper again and let the words melt in my mouth. When I open my eyes again to look at him, I get the feeling of really seeing him for the first time since yesterday.
„Just so that you hear it from me too in, well, at least a little sober: I am in love with you too. Seriously, damned, fucking in love. And I have accepted it. I’m just… shitting myself thinking about how certain other people might not accept it.“
A cold shiver goes down my spine when thinking about my Mum. But Alex squeezes my hand and nods understandingly.
„We’re going to show her that there’s no reason not to accept it“, he says and he sounds so courageous that it maybe rubs off a little on me.
How do I deserve him, I think and almost say it out loud before I realize how cheesy that is.
I take a deep breath.
„I don’t want to be a Monty, you understand?“ I’m finally telling someone what I’ve been thinking about for so long. „I think about him so often. I mean, yeah I hated him, but no one deserves what he went through. His whole life he never let him be the one he was. He always locked the person he was away, until it was too late. And I don’t want it for me to be that way too.“
„Zach… You’re not Monty, okay?“, Alex answers, „And if it’s really going to be such a big problem for your mum we’re going to find a way either. You never let me give up and now I won’t let you.“
I nod. „Thanks“, I answer and I think I’ve never said Thanks so honestly.
I feel like the luckiest person on earth when I finally pull Alex back into another kiss. I don’t intend on ever doing something else.
Alex:
Zach is everything Charlie isn’t. They are the complete opposite of one another. Where Charlie is soft and kind and always promises me that everything’s gonna be fine, Zach is rough and quick-tempered and most of the time fucking pessimistic. But he always says what’s really up and doesn’t beat around the bush for long.
And maybe this is exactly what I need.
This honesty and directness.
While Charlie always tried to be what I wanted, Zach is what I need.
Just like that, he doesn’t even have to do anything for it.
Charlie kept me grounded but Zach always brings me back down to earth.
Charlie never wanted to expose me to bad influences or dangers but Zach wants me to face my fears and take risks.
He’s like the light to my shadow. We are full of differences but still one can’t exist without the other.
Maybe this is the reason why I love him.