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Dean doesn't look up from the ground when Castiel approaches him. He stares down, desolate and alone, at the place Sam fell. The blood drips down to his curled fingers and onto the bent stems of grass. Castiel stops that with a brush of his fingers across Dean's forehead and the blood is cleaned away, the cuts are sealed over. Castiel is unsure how he knew he could do that but he can, and finally Dean looks up. His wet eyes see through Castiel, surprised and angry.
“Is that all I get?” he demands on a hoarse voice and Castiel's eyes widen. He casts around and finds Bobby lying prone and goes to him. Power runs through him, Castiel can see it spark down his arm and to his fingers, flooding into Bobby. It's not grace and Castiel feels himself little more than a conduit for something much greater.
Bobby sits up with a gasp and Castiel would smile at him or nod or offer some condolence, but Bobby looks straight past him. He's got eyes for Dean and Dean for him which Castiel understands and he quickly back steps when Dean nearly drops to his knees on top of him. Dean and Bobby embrace and the back of Castiel's throat itches as Dean helps Bobby to his feet. Bobby is covered in Castiel's blood which is all over the grass in pools and soaking into the ground.
“No Cas?” Dean demands after he glances around, eyes sweeping over Castiel's form and the question is directed towards the Heavens.
Castiel finally understands that Dean can't see him. Dean can't feel him. His hands curl loosely at his sides as he watches Dean and Bobby and when he says “I'm right here,” they don't even tilt their head towards him or pause.
They stand for awhile at what is Sam's grave site now. A wooden cross is put up and when they leave, Castiel climbs into the backseat of the Impala because there is no Reaper coming and he doesn't know what else to do. He just knows he doesn't want to stay here alone and he's followed Dean this far.
Is this all Castiel gets?
They go to Bobby's, the way Dean always does in times of recuperation and for weeks Castiel watches Dean pace around the house like a ghost himself.
Bobby bounces back faster in his own way. He's gruff and always busy. Be it on a car or answering phones because there are still other hunters out there and always there will be creatures that need hunting and killing. People that need saving. Dean drinks himself into a corner and Bobby throws himself into work and Castiel stands back and watches them.
He tries a handful of times to let them know he's there. But he can't seem to touch the things around him. He can't pick up a beer to offer Dean and he can't find what would probably be the wrong wrench to offer Bobby when he's cursing beneath the hood of a car. He can't even flip the pages of a book to show Bobby what he's looking for as he researches for other hunters. Because Castiel knows. He remembers everything but it's locked inside him and Castiel would scream it out but they wouldn't hear him anyway. When he tries and fails to touch either Dean or Bobby as well, he gives up and stands back and watches.
Dean leaves abruptly.
Castiel sits with him on the hood of the Impala all night while Dean stares up at the stars, parked in one of the empty dead fields that surround Bobby's house. He wishes Dean would state his thoughts out loud but Dean is quiet and thoughtful, so Castiel stays quiet and thoughtful as well. In the morning, Dean drives them back to Bobby's and says he's leaving. Castiel's eyes widen in shock but it seems Bobby was expecting this because he just nods.
Dean made a last promise and he's going to give that a shot. Castiel wants to tell him not to. There's nothing else so familiar to him here and even if Dean can't hear him that's better than nothing. But Castiel is a ghost or something even less than that and if he could tell Dean to stay, he wouldn't. He doesn't go with Dean either, retreating into the maze of scrap cars as Dean packs his scattering of belongings and he hears from a distance the sound of the Impala roaring to life and driving off.
Castiel waits for days after, convinced or just too hopeful that a Reaper will come now to take him away; Or one of his brothers perhaps. But nothing happens and he feels a rush of anger through his insubstantial limbs. Did he not help? Does he not deserve more than to be forgotten in a sea of dead cars? Is there some roll that he has yet to play and could they not just give him some hint?
He returns to Bobby's in a foul mood and finds himself nearly bowled over as the old hunter swings the door open and strides out onto the porch. Castiel stumbles out of the way just in time to avoid being walked into or through. He doesn't need to feel even less here than he already does and he turns to watch Bobby with narrowed eyes. There's a book in one hand and a shotgun in the other and Castiel realizes with a start that Bobby is going hunting alone. Castiel quickly tags along.
They drive for two days and Castiel watches Bobby carefully but the hunter seems calm, going through a routine that he's done a thousand times before. Castiel doesn't need to worry, his presence isn't needed but somehow he thinks it might be. Something says go and what else has Castiel got to do?
The case is a shape shifter. Castiel watches Bobby deal with it, tense with nerves and the want to jump in, but all he can do is follow Bobby as the hunter tracks it down and kills the creature. But it's too late to save the girl it had been stalking.
Castiel finds her before Bobby does, leaving the hunter to deal with the shifter as Bobby has it well under control. And if he hadn't? Castiel thinks angrily to himself. What could Castiel do? And what does he think he can do now, following the sounds of muffled whimpering and pained breathing until he finds her, bleeding from a throat crushing bite in the middle of a dark street. Perhaps, he thinks frantically as he drops to her side and hovers his palms above her, when the Reaper comes for her it will take me as well.
But that's not to be because when he's at the girl’s side, he finds he can touch her. He lays his hand against her blood covered neck and that same rush of power from before floods into and through him. His hand burns hot and the girl heals beneath him. Her eyes seem to lock on him for a moment but when he asks “Can you see me?” Bobby runs up behind him and it was only Bobby she was looking at.
Castiel gets to his feet and backs away and Bobby checks her over, finding only a graze to her neck and Castiel stares down at his hands. Is this what he gets? Is this is purpose?
Bobby doesn't go on very many hunts. He helps behind the scenes, which Castiel cannot do, and Castiel begins to grow frustrated and impatient. There is only so much he can do to try and alert Bobby to his presence. He even tries force of will, staring at Bobby for hours and willing Bobby to react. He's a hunter and he can't tell there's a spirit in his own house. But, no matter how hard Castiel tries, Bobby only goes on answering his phones and reading his books and though Castiel watches for signs, there is no upcoming hunt for the man.
A handful of times, Castiel ventures out on his own to the areas surrounding Bobby's house, the fields and the few neighboring areas. Maybe one of them would notice him but they are just as oblivious. Even animals cannot sense his presence. He crosses a dog's path or some wild animal, a mouse even, but none notice him.
He walks along the side of the road back to Bobby's and a screaming comes from the ditch ahead of him; High-pitched and terrified. Castiel nearly trips trying to get to it and finds a rabbit struggling uselessly in the ditch, its hindquarters dragging along the ground. Struck by a car, Castiel realizes. He crouches and feels a tingle through his arms as he scoops the animal up. A short rush like a bolt of lightning sizzles down his spine and the rabbit falls through his arms to the ground, unharmed and racing away. Castiel watches it go, frozen for a moment before his arms fall to his sides and he sighs. The momentary empowerment is gone and it leaves him wanting.
In the days after, Castiel spends his time trolling the areas around Bobby's house looking for anything that he can heal. A bird, a mouse, a deer- anything he can touch for a moment, so he can feel it living and breathing beneath him. Then there is that shock of power that trips not his heart but his entire being. And the moment of hopefulness that the animal will pause after and look at him. It's an addiction and he thinks he might be going insane as spirits are wont to do. He's unsure how to stop it or if it matters.
He spends more and more time away from Bobby but he always goes back, hopeful for another hunt that takes a long time coming. Castiel doesn't count the days when each is like the last. Except today. Today is different and Castiel freezes when he steps into the house and hears the familiar tones of Dean Winchester in the kitchen. Castiel almost runs to reach him and there is Dean, leaning back against the counter with a beer in his hand.
"I tried exorcizing it. Hell, I even tried reasoning with it. I can't find a lick of information on the damn thing so I can't burn its bones," Dean is saying and Castiel ventures closer, critical eye on Dean who looks...wrong. There's something terribly wrong with his gaze and an impatient edge to his tone. Castiel settles close and listens. A hunt is in the air and Castiel luxuriates in the familiarity of Dean. "It's more like a poltergeist than anything but all it seems to be set on doing is scaring the shit out of Chuck. Hasn't hurt a hair on him."
Castiel perks up a little at the mention of the prophet, listening eagerly.
Bobby is less eager, staring at Dean with resignation. "And you want me to go take care of it?"
Dean shrugs. "I'm not a hunter anymore, Bobby. If it hadn't been Chuck I wouldn't have gone at all. I promised Lisa I'd only be gone a few days and I'm already passed that. I don't have time to sit and figure this thing out."
So Dean will leave again and Castiel sinks a little, reaching out to take the only chance he'll have but disappointment greets him as his fingers sink through Dean's arm and Dean pays him no attention whatsoever. An hour later and Dean is gone, dust rising in the Impala's wake and Castiel spends the next day hovering over Bobby's shoulder as he researches. They set out for Chuck's the following day though Bobby has little to go on and Castiel can think of nothing that would help.
It's raining when they reach Chuck's and the prophet answers the door and invites Bobby inside, Castiel slipping in behind and taking a few steps into the house. He might marvel at how clean it is. At how clean Chuck is, how clear eyed and steady he seems with no edge of pain to the lines around his eyes. It's the first thing he notices when the door is opened for them but as soon as Castiel steps through a presence hits him so strongly in the chest it hurts.
More than he knew Dean in Bobby's kitchen, Castiel knows this. Before Jimmy Novak ever comes into focus, Castiel knows and between one moment and the next, Jimmy flickers into view before him. Jimmy is confused until his gaze fixes on Castiel and Castiel's heart leaps.
"You can see me," they both say at once and then Jimmy's shockingly hard weight is laying into him. For a moment Castiel relaxes, breathes a sigh. There is Jimmy's arm and his breath and the cold that surrounds him. Jimmy is freezing and the air around them must have dropped several degrees in the space of a heartbeat. Castiel hears Bobby step into the cold spot and immediately tell Chuck the ghost is here. Then Jimmy's fist hits Castiel in the jaw and jolts him back to an awareness other than Jimmy's simple solid presence.
"Jimmy," Castiel gasps but Jimmy hits him again and Castiel finds himself on the floor with pain flashing through his jaw and down the side of his neck. He catches Jimmy's ankle in his hand before Jimmy can kick him and pulls Jimmy down to join him on the floor. It's near impossible not to get caught up in the sensation of wrapping his fingers around anything for more than the two seconds it takes to heal an animal. He's not sure if it's necessary or simple indulgence when he pins Jimmy's wrists to the ground because Jimmy isn't struggling against him anymore. Jimmy is panting and angry but still. He's knocked over a side table in his fall and Castiel is dimly aware of Bobby pulling and cocking his shotgun.
"You left me here," Jimmy accuses as the shot fires and passes harmlessly through Castiel. It hits Jimmy in the shoulder and he cries out and vanishes from Castiel's grip.
Castiel is left kneeling over nothing and looks back to find Bobby standing there with his head tilted. The temperature goes back to normal, though Castiel can barely feel the difference. "Think I hit it anyway," Bobby says with a grunt and behind him Chuck looks shaken up. Can Chuck sense Castiel there?
But when Castiel gets to his feet and stares inches away from Chuck, there's no reaction. He's not a prophet anymore.
Castiel wonders where Jimmy went, how long he's been here. Surely not a year? Castiel thinks. He waits for a short while, standing in the entry way for Jimmy to come back but there's no sign and eventually, curiosity drives him to follow Chuck and Bobby further into the house.
"I didn't even notice it at first," Chuck is saying. "I mean...I can look back now and think 'oh yeah, that was a freaking ghost'. Then something just got it riled I guess. Like overnight, zero to pissed off."
"And when did this start?"
"Few months ago. Uh...the day after the Apocalypse bit it actually."
Castiel finds them in Chuck's living room which is still scattered with papers and copies of Supernatural but no more alcohol or old take out boxes. He processes the information Chuck gives to Bobby's standard line of questioning and one Dean has probably already asked and passed on. But there's never any harm in hearing the information twice and Bobby is thorough.
"What sort of stuff can you remember?" Bobby asks and Chuck says just the usual stuff: A flickering light, a cold spot, but not near like the one they just experienced, or random things moving. A footstep that he was sure afterward must have been his imagination. Then the last few months, a step up in all that and what Chuck refers to as a ghost tantrum.
"It nearly destroyed my kitchen and I just got that all renovated, y'know?"
No rhyme or reason, it just started throwing stuff around though miraculously nothing ever hit Chuck.
Castiel's heard enough and he walks out of the room, heading upstairs. There's a light flickering here and a cold draft. Castiel has never been able to affect his surroundings the way other spirits can and he tilts his head and stops, cautiously calling out Jimmy's name. Stillness greets him for a moment before Jimmy appears at the opposite end of the hall, held tight and though Castiel braces, Jimmy doesn't advance on him again.
"It stings, being shot; Dean did it to me twice,” Jimmy says after they've stared across the heavy space between them for a minute.
Castiel frowns and wonders how to deal with this spirit. His vessel was the first being he'd talked to in thousands of years and now is the first he's been able to talk to for months. And all Castiel feels watching Jimmy now is guilt. He remembers days when he didn't know what guilt was and selfishly at times like this wishes he could go back to that. But it appears that he doesn't fall into any of the stereotypical ghost aspects. He still remembers all that was and all that is. There is no burning insanity, only the frustration and wanting.
"You have been difficult," Castiel finally says. "From what I've gathered. You're frightening Chuck. Why?" He shifts closer to where the air is cold but not unbearably so and he can see the smoky confusion in Jimmy's gaze. Being a spirit has affected him.
"You're dead," Jimmy says to him instead of answering.
"Yes."
Jimmy gives a knowing nod and a flash of sympathy clears his eyes for a moment. "I felt it happen. I've been waiting a long time but I could...sense you. I thought you'd come.”
"No Reaper came for you," Castiel says, feeling certain that this must be the case as no Reaper came for him either and Jimmy knows better than not to go.
"I thought you must be coming for me,” Jimmy repeats and hurt and betrayal cloud his vision again. “But you didn't. You forgot about me and died instead and stayed here and I was waiting."
"I didn't forget about you," Castiel says but it's not exactly the truth. He simply never thought about Jimmy at all. The cold is growing in the air again and soon Bobby will notice the draft slipping down the stairs. "But you can come with me now. You must stop this nonsense."
“Go where, home?” Hope shines on in his eyes and Castiel is forced to dash it away again. It twists something in his chest the way it must do to Jimmy because Castiel wants to go home as well. Or he wants to be noticed – acknowledged. It’s funny how he never used to care about such things until he died. When following his job and carrying out his orders had been enough but all he wants now is someone to look at him.
“No,” he says softly and steps closer. All he wants is to lay his hands on something. It's not the first time he's tried to find Jimmy some sort of comfort. He remembers Jimmy bleeding to death, a bullet in his stomach. And they've been far more intimate than Castiel's fingers through Jimmy's hair which is what Castiel does again now. Yet this somehow feels like far more than sharing Jimmy's soul and it had the first time as well. Jimmy closes his eyes and the air around them warms a little. “We can return to Bobby's. You need to leave Chuck alone; he's not a part of this anymore.”
“I was just trying to get your attention,” Jimmy mutters like a scorned child.
“It worked. Now come leave the house with me.”
Jimmy nods and follows Castiel docilely enough down the stairs and out the front door. It's a long time before Bobby realizes the spirit has left and the house is empty.
They settle on the front steps for a while, Jimmy sitting with his knees drawn up and absently making the old chimes hanging by the door ring. Castiel watches him with envy before he turns away and looks out over the street, wishing he didn't feel so awkward. Of all the useless things Dean had taught him, why couldn't Dean have taught him the art of conversation? Castiel would like to speak and know he's heard but he's not sure what to say or if Jimmy would welcome any words. He thinks, As an angel I wouldn't need to be heard, I would be above needing, anything. And then he wonders what that makes him now. He's so lost in thought that he jumps when Jimmy speaks and turns to find Jimmy's gaze fixed on him. It's unnerving after so long of being unseen.
"So does Bobby know you're haunting him? Kind of surprised you're not stalking Dean though, honestly." Jimmy cants a smile at him and Castiel awkwardly tries to return it.
"No one knows I'm here." He feels oddly embarrassed. One spirit admitting to another that he can't do some very simple thing like even push a dish off the table or flutter some papers. "I don't...seem able to affect much of anything. I've tried to let Bobby know but I can't."
Jimmy is staring at him with big eyes, more clear now than they had been; whatever brief insanity he might have felt receding quickly. "Wow. And I thought I had it rough."
"You do," Castiel answers. "And I apologize for that. I should have waited here for you and ensured you passed on properly."
Jimmy waves a hand, sniffing and looking down. "It was the Apocalypse. You had bigger fish to fry than me." Which is true but however Jimmy tries to play it off, Castiel can see the apology means something to him. "So!" Jimmy breaks their once again awkward tension and Castiel is grateful for Jimmy's much better social grace as Jimmy leaps up to his feet. "Can you do this?" And he reaches out with a finger and taps just once on the thin metal bar of the wind chimes. Castiel tries to copy him and fails as he knew he would.
"I can do one thing," Castiel puts forth hesitantly. Determined to prove that he is here? That he is substantial in some way though he so often feels he's not? It's important that Jimmy know he's not just a hopeless ghost. Or even just a spirit of a man.
Jimmy follows him down the road of Chuck's neighborhood, a line of houses like the lines of houses in every town and probably like Jimmy's own. But Jimmy is evidently too curious to continue in the maudlin state Castiel had found him. He follows along and Castiel searches for what has begun to become a familiar energy. Perhaps it’s a change in aura and spirit. Some wavelength that Castiel can pick up on though he's sure he couldn't before or maybe he considered himself too far above the pain of an animal that had no real bearing on the world. It doesn't take long for him to find an unfortunate cat. Another victim of a car and Jimmy looks a little horrified that this is what Castiel was searching for.
"What are you...?” Jimmy starts and trails off, hanging back as Castiel kneels next to the still body. He lays his hands upon the fur and a moment later the cat jerks upright with wide staring eyes. Castiel's hands fall through it immediately and the cat trots away from him. It sees Jimmy though and sits at his feet and Jimmy scratches its ears. "Wow. Okay, that's way better than touching a wind chime."
"I'm not so sure," Castiel says as he watches Jimmy get to interact with the cat Castiel just healed. His fingertips still tingle. "We should return to Bobby before he leaves without us."
Jimmy nods and the cat springs away as he straightens up.
It doesn't take very long before Bobby realizes he's got a ghost in his house.
Castiel thinks Bobby suspects it the moment he gets in his car, with Jimmy and Castiel in the backseat. Bobby keeps glancing their way through the mirror. But he says nothing and the return to Bobby's house is quiet and comfortable. Despite the fact that they no longer need to, Jimmy seems determined to keep up the pretense of sleep and Castiel finds himself with a heavy head upon his shoulder and Castiel very carefully doesn't move.
At the house, Castiel shows Jimmy the various rooms, including the panic room which seems to impress and scare Jimmy at the same time. Castiel passes in and out of the room as he likes. As he cannot affect his surroundings, they cannot affect him. But Jimmy is forced to stay on the outside of it and Castiel soon realizes that the various warding and talisman's around the house make him uncomfortable. Jimmy doesn't say anything but he walks as if he's on eggshells and flinches at nothing at all. They can't stay here, Castiel realizes in the moment before Jimmy flickers out with a startled cry and Castiel is suddenly standing alone in the basement.
"Jimmy?" A hard wind blows through the house. "Jimmy!"
He runs upstairs and finds Bobby in his den. Markings circle him and there are candles burning. A book is in his hands from which he reads in Latin. Castiel tries to do something, to put a stop to the ritual, but he can't break the lines or knock over the candles and scream as he might for Bobby to stop, Bobby cannot hear him. He cries to Jimmy instead.
"Make him stop, Jimmy. Let him know it's you."
Jimmy's not strong enough to appear for Bobby though. He flickers into Castiel's sight, on his knees with his arms clutched across his chest. Castiel takes in the symbols Bobby has used and finds the exorcism ritual in his mind. "That symbol to the right, Jimmy. Break it." Jimmy shakes his head that it hurts too much. "You must." Castiel isn't sure what will happen if Bobby casts Jimmy away. He could end up in Heaven. But he would definitely leave Castiel alone again.
With effort, Jimmy manages to sweep his hand out, fingers dashing through the lines of the symbol and smearing them. The room goes still and silent, Bobby's words falling away. He's staring straight at Jimmy now.
"Castiel?" he questions.
Jimmy thinks about that for a moment before he nods. Then his strength gives out and he vanishes from both Bobby and Castiel's sight.
Castiel searches the entire house for Jimmy but there is no sign of him, not for hours. In that time, Bobby calls Dean and Castiel stands listening to Bobby's side of the conversation.
"Shit, Dean, I didn't know it was him. Sure as I can be but it beats the hell out of me what he was doing at Chuck's. Damn right you are. Couple days, there’s beer in the fridge. Got it, got it," Bobby grouses with a smile and hangs up the phone, searching the room as he does. His gaze passes over Castiel without pause. "Sure wondering what the hell you're doing, angel,” he says to the room at large.
Castiel walks straight into Jimmy when he's searching the house for the ghost again, something solid blocking his way and making Castiel's breath catch in surprise. He has to catch Jimmy a moment later when he sways and stumbles, Castiel's hands closing around his shoulders to hold him. Jimmy is breathing hard, lines of pain around the corners of his thin mouth.
"It's not fair that we can still feel pain when we're dead," Jimmy manages and then Castiel has to help him down to his knees when Jimmy's legs give out.
"Where did you go?" Castiel asks.
"I got stuck outside. I don't like it here, Castiel. It always hurts and this is just worse." He's trembling a little, scared or hurting, Castiel isn't sure but he remembers being human and scared. How that had been new. Now Jimmy is a ghost and scared. And maybe Castiel is too but he knows what he might have liked back then and what he would very much like now. He wraps his arms around Jimmy's shoulders in a careful hug and Jimmy leans his weight on Castiel. It feels amazing. Jimmy's shaking eases off and when it does, Castiel reluctantly sits back.
"Now Bobby knows who's here, we may find some help. He called Dean."
Jimmy sighs. "I don't know how Dean is going to fix this."
But Dean fixed the Apocalypse so Castiel has some faith in him. He doesn't answer, drawing Jimmy back to his feet instead and taking Jimmy back out of the house. There's a visible lightening to Jimmy's shoulders and his eyes as they move away from the wards and through the old cars.
"Where is Dean anyway? I mean, I saw him at Chuck's but I was a little...um...insane, I guess."
"He's not a hunter anymore. And I didn't feel it was my right to follow him if this life was no longer what he wanted." And Castiel couldn't ask Dean if he would mind. If Castiel might tag along because Castiel has nowhere to go, but while Dean wants to get away from this world, it is all Castiel knows. It is all he is.
"But you think he'll help us?"
"He's coming. He is a friend." Which is enough, he thinks. Castiel isn't sure what help Dean will be other than to set them both to rest. But Castiel would dearly like Dean to know Castiel didn't abandon him before that happens.
They reach an old mostly intact car and Jimmy stops here, hauling himself up onto the hood. Castiel waits for him to settle and then stands close beside, both of them staring out across the broken scrap yard as Castiel had done with Dean before on the hood of the Impala. The only difference is that Jimmy is solid against him. Castiel can feel the way Jimmy displaces the air and the way their arms brush. Jimmy is something he can touch when he can’t even feel the car beside him and Jimmy seems to follow his line of thought. Jimmy's fingers slide along Castiel's and Jimmy threads them together and squeezes Castiel’s palm.
Jimmy looks away again, reclining against the windshield so his head tilts back and he stares up at the blue sky. Castiel follows his example and they stay there into the night.
Castiel keeps Jimmy out of the house until Dean reaches them. He should have noticed before how much it pained Jimmy and now when Castiel steps through the doorway, he can feel the pressure of the ward he crosses on his chest. But it is only a pressure and does not pain him. Jimmy who is more a part of this world than Castiel could ever hope to be feels it far more acutely.
Bobby is on edge now that he knows Castiel is around, eyes darting around the room occasionally as if he'll catch sight of Castiel standing there. But Castiel still has not yet mastered the turning of a leaf of paper and even Jimmy seems unable to make himself seen at will. Though Jimmy confesses he's never tried, content to wait for Castiel who he had been certain would take them home. Castiel feels so much guilt towards his vessel but Jimmy seems to have forgiven him, a better man than Castiel could have hoped for.
Dean makes a noisy arrival, the roar of his car’s engine and the hard slamming of a door and Castiel follows him deeper into Bobby's house. Dean doesn't bother waiting for Bobby.
“Cas, you son of a bitch, you better not have been here this whole time.” He waits as if for a response but Castiel has none to give and he doesn't want to bring Jimmy inside.
Bobby appears at Dean's holler, glancing around the same way Dean does. Waiting for Castiel to appear in a shadowy corner the way he used to. “Ain't had much presence in the house the last couple days,” Bobby admits reluctantly and Castiel lets himself be warmed by the thought the old hunter wanted to see him.
“I wouldn't want to come back in the house either if you tried to exorcise me,” Dean says with a snort of accusation.
Yes, Castiel thinks, So come outside.
But Dean doesn't and Castiel wonders if it's just because even unconsciously, Dean is determined to be as difficult as possible. Beer is shared and Castiel hovers in the corner while the pair discus him with both fondness and annoyance and occasional anger on Dean's part.
“I can't believe he's been around for months. You're sure?”
“Dammit, Dean,” Bobby snaps at the reiterated question. “I know what I saw.”
“Great... What are we gonna do about him?”
That is the big question and the only answer is silence. Even Castiel isn't sure what he wants.
It's growing late and outside, Jimmy has lost his patience. The Impala rumbles into life and the engine revs in a way that obviously sets Dean's teeth on edge. “He is not touching my car.” Dean is on his feet and running out the door, bottle of beer still gripped by its neck, his free hand waving at the empty vehicle. “Cas! You don't even know how to drive!”
The engine cuts out as Dean approaches.
“Come on, man. Show me Bobby's not going crazy, huh?”
It's a moment before Jimmy flickers in and out of view a few times, still sitting in the driver’s seat of the Impala, still with his hands wrapped tight around the steering wheel. Dean knows immediately.
“That's not Cas.”
“What?” Bobby snaps.
Dean has his eyes closed, disappointment sags his shoulders and Castiel longs to touch him. “That's not Cas, that's his vessel. Jimmy.”
Castiel watches as Dean approaches the car where Jimmy still sits, in and out of focus as he grips the wheel and looks nervous to be face to face with this hunter. Dean kills things like them. He's good at it and when he gets in the passenger seat of the car, Castiel is overcome with the idea that Dean will send Jimmy away without him. Castiel jerks forward, one long stride and two and he's in the backseat of the car, fingers fisting into the collar of Jimmy's dress shirt, just as Jimmy says "Castiel is here too."
Dean glances around, eyes darting everywhere, even lingering on the vacant space in the rear view mirror as if Castiel has just been waiting for this moment to appear. But nothing happens.
“You mean here here?" Dean tries to clarify and Jimmy nods back over his shoulder.
"Behind me."
"What is he shy all of a sudden?" Dean is still looking for him, staring behind Jimmy now but his gaze is fixed to the wrong side. The way Castiel is always looking for Dean but even right in front of him, Castiel cannot find him. So he finds Jimmy instead, fingers hanging on like he might break apart and fade away. That's what angels like him are meant to do. There is not meant to be anyone to remember their deeds or their names. Castiel looks at Dean and he doesn't want that.
"He's not a very good ghost. He's here, he's been here since...well since the Apocalypse didn't happen, I guess. I don't know why. I don't know why anything."
"Great." Dean is still looking for Castiel. "Well you know you can't stay here." There's resignation in the tone, one that says a hunter has to do what he has to do. Kill dead things. Castiel's fingers tighten almost painfully around Jimmy's shoulder and Jimmy's temper flares. Unstable as any ghost's or any man's would be in this situation.
"I don't know anything. I don't have a clue what's going on. You'd think being a ghost would give me some inside perspective but it really doesn't."
"Alright, take it easy," Dean says and raises his hands in surrender. "I meant you can't stay here bugging the shit out of Bobby. Ghost's probably shouldn't be hanging out at a hunter hotspot."
Jimmy pauses. A look from Castiel says the other ghost hadn't thought of that either. Maybe it didn't matter when it was just Castiel who hung around with no more affect than a fly on the wall but Jimmy is different. Hunter's that come here for help will sense him and then there will be trouble.
"Then where do we go?"
They go with Dean.
For many silent hours, Castiel and Jimmy sit in the backseat of Dean's car while Dean takes them along seemingly endless roads with little to look at and little traffic. It's autumn and there are leaves blowing in the wake of the car which Castiel watches, all the while gripping Jimmy's hand between his own. No one says anything.
Dean's eyes keep flicking up to the mirror but there's never anything to look at. Jimmy has given up the effort of concentration to stay visible and after a few attempts at a conversation with a disembodied voice Dean has turned the radio on softly.
The sparse trees that have lined the road begin to grow up thicker around them as they drive and soon hills loom ahead which Dean takes them into, paved road giving way eventually to winding gravel. This is not the way to Lisa's and Castiel's hand tightens around Jimmy's in sudden misgiving. A sidelong glance and Jimmy brings up Castiel's concerns, making Dean jump at the sudden voice in the car.
“Where are we going? This isn't the right way.”
Dean glances back, sees nothing, and shrugs. “I'm not taking you to scare Lisa. This is an old hunting cabin and it's a good place to lay low for a bit.”
The cabin comes into view, a two story A-Frame that looks lived in. They get inside and find it is lived in. Dean has to break a salt line in front of the door so Jimmy can get in, Castiel tailing along behind them, glancing around and seeing every sign of a hunter here. Salt lines and a devil's trap in front of the door. Open books, loose papers, articles tacked up on the wall. There are leftovers on the counter. A fresh cut pile of wood next to the fireplace.
Dean half-halfheartedly, and almost nervously, starts trying to clear away some of the mess, throwing out old containers and closing books before Castiel can get the chance to see what he was researching.
“You lied,” Jimmy says to Dean a moment after Castiel. Jimmy re-opens the book Dean just closed so Castiel can peer over his shoulder and see what's in it. As Jimmy flips back to the page Dean has marked Castiel can see it's a summoning spell.
“It's for a crossroads demon,” Castiel tells Jimmy though he's staring through narrowed eyes to Dean. “A powerful one. All of this...” He takes in the articles again, demon sightings, black dog sightings, possible gateways into the Pit. “You're trying to get Sam back. All you'll get out of this is killed!” Anger hits Castiel like a spark. All he's done to try and save Dean and he's still not finished.
He's not finished.
“What was I supposed to do?” Dean says, staring over in their direction, Jimmy's fingers flipping through the book giving away their position. “He's my brother; I have to get him back. I have to save him.” That wrongness in his eyes, Castiel realizes, is wild desperation.
There's no answer because Jimmy doesn't know what to say and Dean can't hear Castiel's quiet response, “And I have to save you.”
Dean doesn't do a thing to try and get rid of them. One job at a time and right now that job is Sam. Castiel watches him obsess and no matter how many times Castiel tells Dean through Jimmy that this cannot be done, that this is foolishness, Dean won't listen. Dean won't let go or let himself move on and Castiel is just as hopeless.
He watches Dean sleep every night and Jimmy finds him standing at the foot of Dean's bed.
“Just gonna stand around staring at him 24/7?” Jimmy steps up beside him and they watch Dean in his deep alcohol induced sleep.
“What else am I good for?” Jimmy's fingers link with his in mute answer and Castiel sighs. “This wasn't what I wanted for him.”
“I don't think this is what any of us wanted for anyone.”
They stand with joined hands, staring at Dean until Dean awakens on a half-snore and cracks open one eye. “I can feel you staring at me. Stop it.” Dean's words are slurred and his eyes slip closed again, his breathing evening out. Castiel should be able to send him asleep with a touch, should be able to calm the hangover in the morning. But while he does step forward and stretches his fingers to Dean's face, they only brush through and they hum at the tips.
“What would you do if you could touch him?” Castiel looks around to Jimmy who's close again, always close. “Tell me.”
Castiel thinks about it before he sinks down onto the edge of the bed. He leaves no imprint on the mattress and doesn't crease the sheets. Jimmy sits and he does both. “I guess... I would lay with him. I'd like to.”
“Come on then. Get behind me.”
Castiel watches alarmed as Jimmy stretches out on the bed along Dean's side and Dean shudders at the close proximity of the ghost. “What the fuck are you doing?” Dean's blurred gaze lands directly on Jimmy and Castiel realizes that Jimmy is visible for the moment.
“Exactly what Castiel tells me to so just pretend this is him.”
Dean looks tired and uncomprehending before he snorts. “Castiel said he wants to cuddle with me?”
“As good as. Go with it, it's not like I haven't been his stunt double before. Come on, Cas,” he prompts when Castiel just sits on the edge of the bed but as Dean doesn't seem alert enough to protest more than he has, Castiel lies down and scoots up behind Jimmy.
They settle like that, Dean and Jimmy's breaths stirring the air in warm and cold counterpart. When Castiel skims his fingers along Jimmy's side, Jimmy's slide along Dean’s and Castiel imagines the touch. His fingers hum with energy and where they rest on Jimmy, he warms.
Dean doesn't say anything about it in the morning and he never tries to find a way to exorcise them.
Weeks drag by. Castiel watches Dean in his hopeless obsession and whenever another lead falls through Castiel tells Jimmy, “Touch him.” Lay with him, hug him. Just do something. Maybe Castiel is finally losing his mind. He wonders what it means that it's Dean who tips him over again.
But Jimmy does as Castiel asks. He'll lay a hand on Dean's shoulder or the back of his head. Draw Dean into a hug which makes Castiel jealous until he steps up and joins them. He feels Jimmy's back against his chest, his breaths, all making Castiel something that's there. Like he’s in the moment with them. He feels that vibration of energy between them as if he were healing an animal or something else broken.
“Do you feel it?” he asks Jimmy when they're curled together against Dean for another night. Jimmy tells him not to worry about it.
Dean asks them one night, “This is never going to work, is it?”
There are a few things in this house he might mean. He's never going to find Sam. Castiel will never be able to touch him. Jimmy won't move on because Castiel cannot let go.
Dean needs saving. Castiel needs Jimmy to get there.
“Kiss him,” Castiel says. He presses his own mouth to the back of Jimmy's neck, above the collar of his shirt. Jimmy brushes his lips along the line of Dean's jaw and then the corner of Dean's mouth.
“Is Cas telling you to do that?” Dean's voice comes broken and quiet. Jimmy kisses him on the mouth in answer.
“He loves you,” Jimmy says and Castiel's breath shakes out of him because he didn't tell Jimmy to say that but it's true. It's true and Castiel buries his face between Jimmy's shoulders and holds onto Jimmy tightly.
How did he not realize this before?
Jimmy finds it easier to stay visible for Dean now and he is most of the time, interacting with Dean like a real person and Castiel feels like the only ghost in the room. Stuck in this invisible realm between planes and unable to step to either side. Which way would he go then, if he could? Towards Dean, always towards Dean.
But Dean never returns the sentiment Jimmy gave him. He calls Jimmy 'Castiel' sometimes which Jimmy never disputes and when Dean asks; "What's Castiel doing right now?" while Jimmy's arm wraps around Dean's torso in bed, Jimmy answers "The exact same thing to me."
So Castiel kisses Jimmy's mouth and Jimmy kisses Dean's and Dean's breath always smells a little like liquor. Castiel likes to think that the alcohol is less now. That the bottles of whiskey stay fuller longer. That Castiel is healing him in some small way like he did the animals before.
Jimmy is the conduit between them, a length of copper charging them both. Whether that's with a light smile for them in the morning, or he's between Dean's legs with Dean moaning Castiel's name while Castiel peers over Jimmy's shoulder and imagines he's fucking Dean himself. Jimmy patiently stands between them like a man waiting for it all to come together.
Castiel has no way and no right to stop Dean from trying to save Sam though. No way to help and Dean asks, "Can't you do anything?" like an accusation and Dean immediately grimaces in regret, immediately muttering his apology.
"There's nothing to do," Jimmy says in Castiel's silence.
Dean will have to do it on his own then. He's not angry about it, shows no bitterness towards Castiel's extreme inability. Dean is used to going alone and Castiel gave his life. What else is there? It's only fair that Dean should be able to try and give his as well.
Jimmy is pretending to sleep as some form of comfort to himself, curled up on the bed against Dean. Castiel doesn't like to sleep. Not as a human and less as an angel. He despises it as a ghost, so misplaced from the world already. The woods around the cabin are still alive in the night and Castiel wanders through them aimlessly. He feels the breeze and nothing else. Perhaps it's trapped in the same plane as him. He searches out the injured creatures for that spark of being as he fixes them.
"Castiel!" Jimmy's cry echoes off the trees and Castiel snaps around.
The cabin is out of sight but Jimmy sounds as if he's right beside Castiel the panic is his voice is so clear. The reaper, Castiel's mind supplies, and he runs. Swift and silent through the dead undergrowth, he sets his sights on the cabin and he's there in a heartbeat.
There is no reaper. Jimmy is standing in the doorway of the bedroom, a salt line barring his way. Dean is slumped unmoving in the middle of the front room. The furniture is pushed off to the side and there's the circle of a sigil all around him. Castiel doesn't have time to try and place it as he's calling out Dean's name and rushing forward. He can't break the lines of the sigil to disrupt the spell nor the line of salt that holds Jimmy trapped out of the way but he tries in vain anyway, fingers sliding through the lines with no effect.
“I tried to tell him to stop.” The words leave Jimmy in a rush as he cranes his head to try and see what's going on. “But he wouldn't listen.”
Castiel doesn't listen to Jimmy right now either because he knows how to deal with this. This is the one thing he can do. Bring others back into the world he can't touch anymore but now for one blessed second he's going to be able to touch Dean. He thinks he's nervous. His hands shake as he hovers them over Dean's chest which is still. This might not work. He might not be able to bring Dean back. But he's going to touch Dean.
“Cas, what's going on?” Jimmy tries to demand. But there is already a hiss of energy down Castiel's arms and he brushes his fingers against Dean's chest and then splays his palms flat.
Dean's still chest is beneath his hands. Castiel feels his shirt and, beneath that, his muscles and his ribs and his heart. The energy – white as grace but it's not, Castiel knows it isn't – rushes through him and into Dean. With a shock Dean's eyes snap open and in that instant, with the white light still at Castiel's fingertips, Dean's gaze locks on him. Dean knows him. “Cas.”
Castiel is afraid to let go, afraid to look away. The last of the energy is spiraling down his arms and he panics. He is going to lose his only chance to get the one thing he wants more than anything. His fingers curl to fist in Dean's shirt and he jerks Dean upright into a hard kiss. A painful clack of teeth and surprise and then they find each other properly. This is it, the one moment Castiel has waited for. The thing he's wanted. That second of being looked at and known and remembered. “I love you,” Castiel says and Dean tries to clutch at him but his hands touch air and suddenly Dean's not looking at him anymore.
“Cas,” Dean cries. As if Castiel were gone and he is. “Where are you?”
“I'm right here,” Castiel answers.
Castiel finds himself in the woods again but he's not looking for anything to heal this time. Perhaps this gift is a curse. Dangling before him these things that he can't have, where he can bestow life to others but take none of it for himself.
“It's not about you,” Jimmy says, appearing from the trees and Castiel denies that he jumps. He narrows his eyes and wonders if Jimmy can read his thoughts or if he was talking out loud or if he has become so transparent. He thinks he might be losing his mind entirely.
They walk and when they encounter an injured bird, Castiel moves to step by it. He doesn't want to heal anything; he doesn't want to feel that again. But Jimmy stops and scoops it up to hand it over and Castiel holds out his hands automatically. A tingling in his hands and the bird takes to the air before it can fall through his palm, leaving Castiel and Jimmy to watch it fly off.
“What is it about?” Castiel finally asks.
“The people who are still living. We're not supposed to be here,” Jimmy tells him like Castiel doesn't know that. Like Castiel isn't thousands of years old and needs advice from a mortal man, a dead man. But he does. Castiel needs help. Jimmy studies him for a moment, sees the loss in Castiel's eyes, and thins his lips before sighing. “I'm a well adjusted ghost,” Jimmy says and Castiel blinks in incomprehension.
“Yes?” It is true. Jimmy is remarkably well adjusted. There is no shadow of insanity in his gaze, no desire to harm. The scared uncertainty when Castiel had first found him had faded quickly.
“If I should be anywhere right now it should be with my wife and daughter. Not here playing the most screwed up threesome in existence. Or non-existence in our case.” Jimmy gestures between the two of them and Castiel watches his hand wave through the air. “But I let them go. You have to be able to let things go.”
Castiel shakes his head. “But you helped.”
Jimmy smiles, patient and waiting. “You can't let go if you don't know why you're hanging on in the first place. Nothing can force you to move on if you're not ready to and you don't even know why. Don't you get it, Cas?”
Castiel stares at Jimmy, the calm in his gaze, and thinks he's beginning to.
Dean is sitting at the small table in the kitchen, an untouched bottle of whiskey at his elbow and his head rested on his hands. Castiel sits on one side and Jimmy on the other. Jimmy is who Dean can see but Castiel is who he turns towards.
“This won't work,” he says not for the first time.
“It won't,” Jimmy answers.
“I'm not getting Sam out of there.”
“No.”
And for the first time, Castiel can see the realization shinning in Dean's eyes. There is no freeing Sam, there is no following him down, and with that the grief is new. Jimmy leads Dean back to their room, their bed, where they spend the night quietly. Another week passes the same except that Dean stops drinking and the books stay closed.
He finally says it in the middle of the night, when Jimmy is pretending to sleep and Castiel has been watching Dean stare up at the ceiling. “I love you too, Cas.” Jimmy carefully doesn't move and Castiel is thankful. This isn't a moment for him and Dean already knows Castiel's answer anyway. “But this isn't going to work either.” And there is no answer Castiel can give to that.
Castiel watches Dean anxiously until Dean announces one evening that he's thinking of maybe going back to Bobby's.
“Or maybe a road trip. Something normal, you know?” Dean laughs. Jimmy's hair is moving on its own as Castiel strokes his fingers through it and Jimmy does the same to Dean. “As normal as it can get for us anyway.”
Castiel wonders if he's ready for that, for normal.
They go back to Bobby's. Where Bobby welcomes them and Dean picks up a normal hunt. He's going to go burn ghosts away, which is ironic considering. Castiel goes with him just in case but Bobby has other things to do and Jimmy refuses, stating that ghost hunting makes him feel understandably uneasy. Where do ghosts go, Castiel wonders as he watches the spirit burn away before his eyes, after the reaper has given up on them?
“Maybe the reaper doesn't give up.” Jimmy shrugs when Dean and Castiel are back and Castiel asks Jimmy his opinion.
“What do you mean?”
“Maybe they're just waiting for the ghost to let go, y'know, forcefully or not.”
Castiel thinks about that for a long while and he's not the only one with heavy thoughts on his mind.
Dean goes on a handful of other hunts but he never gains enjoyment from it. Every time he picks up a gun or gets behind the wheel of his car, he looks troubled. Until Castiel presses Jimmy to ask; “Aren't you happy?”
“Sure,” Dean answers. He glances at Jimmy in the backseat of the car as they drive down a long bare road. “Why not?” Silence reigns in answer and an hour passes before Dean says, “Sam wouldn't be happy.” Another pause. “And there is someone I kind of wanted to check up on.”
Suddenly they're going to Indiana.
Castiel watches from the sidewalk and Jimmy is gripping his hand again. They're in Cicero, Indiana and Dean is talking to a woman. Lisa. Jimmy squeezes Castiel's fingers.
“This is it, isn't it?” Castiel asks.
Jimmy thins his lips and seems to look off into the distance at nothing, his expression troubled though whatever thoughts he's warring with he seems to come to a decision when he focuses back on Castiel. “You know, Dean's always going to remember you.” Castiel stares at him in confusion, eyes narrowed into a frown. “I have a confession. When um, when you found me at Chuck's and I said there was no reaper, I lied to you.”
Castiel snaps his gaze from Dean and the woman as they hug.
“A reaper came and I went.”
“But Chuck-”
“Is a very paranoid drunk with a good reason to be. I was never in his house until the night I...ruined his kitchen.” Jimmy gives a half smile and Castiel steps back, dropping Jimmy's hand.
“Then what- Are you a reaper?” But Castiel would know, wouldn't he? He was an angel.
Jimmy is shaking his head. “No. But I am helping one. Angels... Angels are tricky to reap.” He gives a nod with his chin in the direction over Castiel's shoulder and Castiel spins and comes face to face with a reaper he knows.
“Tessa.”
“Hello, Castiel.”
“I don't understand.” Castiel's gaze flicks between them. A reaper and a ghost, one he'd trusted. He feels caught. At the house, Dean is being invited inside and panic wells up for a moment in Castiel's chest. He wants to run to Dean but he feels rooted to the spot.
“I knew you wouldn't come along willingly,” Tessa says with a calm smile. “Angel's always have to make things difficult. Of course, I could have just left you here, it is your choice. But I kind of owe Dean a favor. And you're it. You just had some unfinished business to take care of first.”
“I had to save Dean.” Castiel feels oddly breathless. He hasn't saved Dean yet. Dean will always need saving for as long as death still has a place. He takes a step back, away from Tessa, but Jimmy's hand braces against his back and Castiel is halted, staring between them. “I'm not done,” he tries to insist but he knows he's standing on a thin line. That if he says no, Tessa will leave him here and Castiel will be trapped with no Jimmy to anchor him. No Jimmy to speak for him.
“Yes, you are,” Jimmy says softly. Dean has stepped into the house and the door is shut. Castiel blinks at it, at Tessa. “Dean can take care of himself and he will always remember you. Not many angels get that from anyone. Please come home now.”
But I love him, Castiel thinks and closes his eyes. He's no different to any other desperate ghost out here. Except now he knows what he needs to let go of.
He feels himself nod and as Tessa brushes her fingers against his forehead, he feels the familiar white rush of life giving energy through him.
Bright light envelopes him and Jimmy, and in a flash the street is empty and Dean pauses in his explanation to Lisa before carrying on.