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June
Nayeon draws on the dirt with the tip of her shoe and wonders how much longer she can pretend to be distracted by it before her silence is pointed out.
“you’re spacing out again.” Not much longer apparently. Nayeon takes a second before replying to estimate how long it took for Jeongyeon to point it out this time. Has it been 5 minutes – no 3 minutes since Nayeon let them fall into silence? Regardless, it was shorter than last time. Maybe Jeongyeon’s getting sick of her.
“Yeah, I know. I’m just tired. I don’t have much I wanna say really” Nayeon shrugs still looking down at the ground. It’s an obvious lie, but Nayeon knows Jeongyeon won’t point it out. Just like all the other times she let Nayeon get away with showing up at her house late at night with the promise of real conversations that never take place.
It’s been the same pattern for the past few weeks. Nayeon texts Jeongyeon saying she wants to see her. Jeongyeon invites her over, and they sit on a bench in Jeongyeon’s back garden. They make small talk and pretend that there’s no unspoken tension between them. Until Nayeon pauses for a minute trying to find the actual words she came here to say. She knows what they are of course, she’s planned them and rephrased them a hundred times before showing up here, but none of them ever taste right. So she takes a minute because maybe it’ll get easier; it should be easier when this is what she wants. She wants to tell Jeongyeon that she finally has an answer, and she’s ready for more. But the words grow heavier by the second, and she fights to get them out, but she never does.
Nayeon looks at the empty space between them on the bench, and desperately wishes she could move closer. That she could wrap her arms around Jeongyeon as easily as she used to before she let things get too awkward between them.
“That’s fine. I prefer listening to the cicadas anyways, they’re less annoying.” Jeongyeon laughs.
Nayeon finally looks at her face to search for any sign indicating that the laugh was fake; a sign that shows she’s done putting up with her. But she doesn’t find any because that’s how Jeongyeon is. She offers you all of her heart, and won’t hold it against you when you fail to respond. She’ll wait for you with a smile on her face, ready for reciprocation or rejection. Nayeon hates her patience; she hates that Jeongyeon keeps letting her hurt her like this.
So when Jeongyeon smiles at her like nothing’s wrong, Nayeon lets her anger take over and she yanks Jeongyeon closer by the front of her shirt till their faces were an inch apart.
“OK chill! I was just kidding you’re not annoying” Jeongyeon screams out as she tries to balance herself by holding on to the bench.
Nayeon looks into her eyes determinedly. Then, she kisses her. She pulls Jeongyeon as close as she can, but she doesn’t kiss back. Nayeon doesn’t blame her, she must have known what was going to happen next.
Nayeon gets up and leaves without a word.
She stops texting Jeongyeon.
July
Sana walks up to the last step of the porch and sits beside Nayeon. She waits for a few seconds, then greets her “Hey”
“Hey” Nayeon says back.
A few more seconds pass by.
“So how’ve you been” Sana offers. It doesn’t sound like a question, and Nayeon knows she‘s just looking for a way to fill the silence.
Nayeon just stares at her, and instead of answering she asks, “why are you here Sana?”
“… Well, you’re the one who said no to going to the movies”
“You know that’s not what I meant.”
Sana sighs and for a split second she looks just as broken as Nayeon, then suddenly she’s bursting of energy “I’ve been back to Korea for almost two weeks now and I only saw you once! Once, Nayeon. I missed you.” She looks into Nayeon’s eyes and doesn’t break contact, that’s when Nayeon notices the hint of sadness again. She pays closer attention to Sana’s face and sees the bags under her eyes, and her uncharacteristically chapped lips. Sana’s right, Nayeon hasn’t been present enough, but she can’t be that upset about it, right? They spoke almost every day when she was in Japan. Besides, Mina usually takes up all her time.
“C’mon let’s go out! it’s our last summer before college we should like- we should do something! We can have adventures or- or like just anything but something”
Nayeon squints her eyes at Sana, she’s never heard her struggle with her words before. She’s never seen Sana so desperate either “Sana, what are you talking about?”
Then Sana’s drained again, her expression goes blank and Nayeon can visibly see her mind drift somewhere far away. She places her elbows on her thighs and hides her eyes in the palm of her hands.
“I’m not speaking to everyone else either.” Now Nayeon’s completely lost, a part of her thinks Sana must be speaking Japanese because she wasn’t making any sense. But then a thought crosses her mind, all of Sana’s behavior could be explained if it were true and Nayeon hopes to god she’s wrong. Nayeon licks her lips trying to prepare herself for the question she’s about to ask, but Sana continues before she gets a chance to.
“We broke up. Mina, she..” Sana shudders, then takes a deep breath “I’m not coming back to Korea for college, I decided to stay in Japan.” Nayeon thought all parts of heart were already broken from the day she walked away, but then she remembers the room in her heart that stored all the memories of her friends like precious paintings, in most of them Sana and Mina are together cause that’s how they’ve always been, and now Nayeon can feel the paintings weigh her heart down as Sana’s word taint them like the other memories.
Nayeon stands up and extends her hand to Sana “Okay let’s go”
Sana looks up from behind her hands and reveals the tears on her face “where to”
“I’m taking you to the movies”
—
Nayeon tries to match her pace with Sana’s as they walk back home from the movies; Sana’s always been a slow walker, but she seems to be especially slower when she’s lost in thought.
Nayeon hates silences, hates how easily her mind slips back to the thought of Jeongyeon even with the smallest opportunity. The streets get quieter the deeper they walk into the neighborhood, so she tries to find a topic to talk about, but she’s already exhausted any potential comments about the movie they just watched.
Nayeon thinks back to their conversation on the porch; there’s something that’s been bothering her ever since Sana said she’s not in contact with the others. “Hey, Sana, can I ask you something?”
Sana snaps out of her trance and looks at Nayeon with curious eyes “uh, yeah go for it”
“If you... Well you’re staying in Japan, right? So if Mina doesn’t want to do long distance, why are the others not talking to you? I get that Mina’s upset, but surely the others don’t hold that against you. Actually, Mina too. I know she might be upset, but she would never cut you off like that”
Sana smiles at her with so much sadness in her eyes that Nayeon regrets bringing it up.
Nayeon’s about to take the question back when Sana suddenly replies “It wasn’t Mina who chose to end things, I did. I chose attending university in Japan knowing I wouldn’t want to continue doing distance. So when I came back here for the summer, and we all hung out at Mina’s, I had already planned on breaking up with her. Initially, I wanted to get one last summer together before we broke up. We’ve been waiting to see each other since last spring, I didn’t want all that patience to be for nothing. But I felt so dirty after spending one night with her, I couldn’t be with her knowing I was planning on breaking her heart. That’s just... it’s too cruel.”
The air starts feeling too thick so Sana steps back away from Nayeon. Talking about Mina uninterruptedly feels like letting herself be encapsulated by waves of darkness. She grabs the collar of her shirt and pulls it downwards like it would somehow make breathing easier, but it just feels like she’s allowing the darkness into her lungs. Nayeon attempts to reach out to Sana to soothe her distress, but Sana stops her by pushing her hand away.
Sana takes a deep breath and tries to deflect the pain, so she looks up at the sky in search of stars, but finds none. Instead, she finds the top of the streetlight and watches as the moths fly around it in inconsistent patterns. There’s no darkness here, just Sana and her pain. Sana once again reminds herself that any pain she’s feeling is the result of her own choices and she needs to believe that she’s made the right one.
Sana looks back down at Nayeon’s worried face “I’m okay, I just got overwhelmed for a second.”
Sana takes another deep breath before continuing, “Anyways, She kept insisting that we could handle the distance, but she stopped once I told her that I didn’t want to waste my youth by being tied down to a girl who lives in a different country.”
Sana doesn’t say anything after that, and Nayeon doesn’t want to cause Sana any more distress, so she silently leads them back to her house.
—
“So who are you staying with now that you’re..” Nayeon trails off not wanting to bring Mina up again, but it’s enough for Sana to know what she means.
“Jihyo’s letting me stay with her. I was going to fly back to Japan after, you know. But she wouldn’t let me leave. I think she’s tryna get with me now that I’m available” Sana jokes with a coy smile on her face.
Nayeon laughs “Yes, I’m sure that was her intention.”
Nayeon glances at her house before looking back at Sana. Nayeon knows that once she walks through her front door, her mind will start tormenting her with thoughts of Jeongyeon. “Do you want to sleepover at my house tonight? I don’t think it’s fair that Jihyo gets to keep you all to herself”
Sana’s smile falters for a second as she thinks over the offer but she’s quick to grab onto the opportunity of teasing Nayeon, “Wow, you shooting your shot too, Im Nayeon? Well, I guess I might as well explore my options.”
In hindsight, Nayeon should’ve known that Sana wouldn’t have been the best choice to use as a distraction. Nayeon rolls over to her side to look at Sana who’s mirroring her previous position of staring straight up at the ceiling. Sana doesn't even bother pointing out Nayeon’s staring as she’s seemingly lost in her own thoughts. Nayeon knows she’s thinking about Mina, she doesn’t need to ask. Just like Sana doesn't need to ask to know who Nayeon’s been thinking about from the second they lied in the bed.
But Nayeon refuses to spend her night with incessant daydreams of what might have been. So she pokes Sana’s cheek, and when Sana doesn't turn to face her she resorts to flicking the side of her head causing Sana to sit up abruptly and yell at her “Ouch, what the hell Nayeon?!”
Nayeon sits up too and shushes Sana “Be quiet you might wake my parents. Also, in my defense you were ignoring me and I slightly underestimated how much strength I put into flicking your head”
Sana just grumbles under her breath and rubs the pain away. Meanwhile, Nayeon mentally prepares herself to bare her honest thoughts to Sana, “Look, Sana, if I wanted to spend my night dreaming what it would be like for me to run back to Jeongyeon, I wouldn’t have asked you to stay over. I just need one night where my body doesn't ache to be in her arms”
Sana looks at Nayeon with an unreadable look in her eyes. Nayeon’s unsure of how Sana’s going to respond and the longer she takes the more Nayeon feels insecure about voicing her feelings for Jeongyeon so explicitly for the first time.
But then Sana starts leaning in closer, and Nayeon starts recognizing the hesitation and vulnerability in her eyes. Sana was offering a solution to their problem. Nayeon lets her gaze wander Sana’s face; from her dark eyes that were barely visible in the shallow moonlight, to the round curve of her cheeks that Nayeon knows to be soft under her touch, and finally, Nayeon lets her eyes linger on the fullness of Sana’s lips. Then, Nayeon closes her eyes and lets Sana close the distance between them.
Nayeon still dreams of Jeongyeon when she goes to sleep, but until then she lets her thoughts be overtaken by Sana’s touch.
August
Nayeon splits the two-stick popsicle in half and hands one to Jihyo as they walk down the park. Summer must be reaching its peak since the popsicle has already started melting. Nayeon glares at the sun real quick before taking a bite off her popsicle.
Jihyo instantly cringes at her “Ugh, why would you do that. God, I got brain freeze just watching you.”
“You just have sensitive teeth. Popsicles are meant to be eaten this way. Otherwise, you’re left with sticky hands and potential shirt stains.”
“Not if you lick the melted parts strategically and time it right. You just don’t know how to observe the popsicle and plan your licks accordingly.”
Nayeon blinks at Jihyo, “I hope you know how stupid that sounded. It’s a popsicle.”
“You’re stupid” Jihyo mocks as they walk towards a park bench.
“So, you and Sana have been spending a lot of time together lately.” Jihyo says once they’re seated.
“Yeah, well, it’s not like she’s here all year. Plus, we can’t exactly join the group hangouts. You’re the only one I’ve spoken to since summer break started.” Nayeon shrugs as she takes another bite off the popsicle.
“That’s true, but I meant she’s been spending a lot of nights over at your place.”
“Yeah, and ?”
“I just don’t want you to have any more regrets, that’s all”
Nayeon turns to face Jihyo so fast she almost gets whiplash, “Sana told you?!”
“No, I just had a hunch. Based on your reaction though I must be right.” Nayeon bites her lower lip and looks away from Jihyo. “Listen, I’m not trying to corner you or judge you. I’m just worried about you, both of you.”
Nayeon sighs, “I know, but we’re fine. Spending time with Sana is one of the few better choices I’ve made. I don’t feel like a hollow vessel around her.”
“And you’re well within your right to do whatever makes you feel better, but I don’t want you neglecting how you all this might make you feel in the future. You feel better now, but are you sure this isn’t going to hurt you more in the long run” Jihyo asks as places her hand on Nayeon’s shoulder.
The gesture is almost like an apology for trying to get Nayeon to confront the potential consequences of her actions. Nayeon knows Jihyo’s referring to how this would all blow up in her face if Mina ever found out. Because despite not speaking to her for almost a month, Nayeon still loves Mina with all her heart.
What Jihyo doesn’t know though is that Nayeon actually has considered how much this would hurt Mina when she finds out, and how much it would hurt her too for doing that to her. Nayeon thinks about it every night as she lies in Sana’s arms wondering if at that same moment Mina’s lying awake crying over losing Sana. Each time she trailed kisses down Sana’s body she wondered if Mina ever had a favorite spot to kiss. Nayeon can’t spend a single moment with Sana without thinking back to all those late night phone calls with Mina crying over how much she missed Sana where Nayeon was the one to reassure her that they’ll be together soon. The thought of Mina being in pain kills Nayeon, and she thinks about it all the time.
“We don’t sleep together anymore. Well, not in that way at least. Sana broke down one night and she couldn’t stop crying, we called it off that same night. But it’s still easier falling asleep with her so she still comes over.” Nayeon hates that her voice sounds so heavy.
Jihyo takes the popsicle stick out of Nayeon’s hold, and that’s when Nayeon notices that it had melted all over hand and dripped onto her shoes.
“They’re meant to be, her and Mina. I want them to get back together, but before they can do that Mina needs to know. And I don’t think I’m ready for that just yet.”
Jihyo took out a napkin from her purse and began wiping Nayeon’s hands, “Maybe if you spent less time worrying about being ready, you’ll realize life will keep moving forward whether you’re ready for it or not. The longer you wait to say something the more meaningless the words become. If you keep waiting, all your opportunities will slip by and you won’t have anything to be ready for.”
—
Nayeon (11:29am): hey mina i know i haven’t spoken to you in a while i’m sorry about that i was actually hoping we could talk? like in person it’s important
Mina (2:13pm): Hey, Nayeon :) Of course we can, are you free to meet today ?
Nayeon (2:13pm): yh the sooner the better how soon can u meet
Mina (2:14pm): I could come over now if you’d like ?
Nayeon (2:14pm): great see u soon mina :)
—
Sana counts her steps as she paces around Jihyo’s front yard waiting for Nayeon. It’s her last night in Seoul, and she was busy sentimentally packing her suitcase when she got a text from Nayeon saying she had to see her immediately even though they had already said their goodbyes.
Sana hears footsteps approaching from a small distance behind her, and she turns ready to chastise Nayeon for being late, but instead, she has the breath knocked out of her lungs.
Really, Sana should have seen this coming. After everything that happened this summer, there was no way fate was going to let her leave Seoul peacefully. Sana spent all day hoping she wouldn’t run into Mina, and all night wishing she would.
And here she was standing about three meters away, Sana wanted to cry.
“Hi” Mina called out. Sana willed herself to respond, to acknowledge her presence in any way because she can’t treat her any more harshly than she already has, but her body remained frozen and unresponsive. Sana wasn’t even sure if she was still breathing.
The lack of response didn’t seem to discourage Mina, she actually moved closer to Sana until she was standing within arm’s reach. Sana could now smell her shampoo which must mean she was, in fact, still breathing. Mina reached out to hold both of Sana’s hands making Sana realize that she had been clutching them in a tight fist.
“Sorry for showing up unexpectedly, but I had to see you before you left” Mina smiled softly at Sana. Her eyes were full of love and showed no sign of resentment or bitterness; it was confusing the heck out of Sana.
“I must be dreaming. There’s no way you would show up here, you hate me” Sana replies in the faintest whisper that Mina nearly misses it over the sound of her own breathing.
Mina moved her hand from holding Sana’s to cupping her cheek. Shivering from the touch, Sana placed her hand on top of Mina’s and leaned into her touch with her eyes closed. “No, Sana, I don’t hate you. I never have and never will. I know you must be really confused right now.”
Sana opens her eyes and stares at the small brand logo on Mina’s shirt to avoid making eye contact just yet “I’m not. I mean, I was confused when I first saw you, but I realized Nayeon must have spoken to you and told you everything”
Sana had spent many hours picturing this moment, but that doesn’t make her any more prepared to deal with it. She was not ready to battle the overwhelming urge to hold Mina as close to her as possible, while simultaneously trying the best she can to not flee the scene.
“She did, and even though some of the things she told me were hard to hear, she told me the one thing I needed to hear to push me to talk to you again.” Mina said as she continued to stroke Sana’s cheek with her thumb, “She told me you were an idiot, and that you still loved me. Granted, I was already aware of the first part, but I wasn’t so sure about the other anymore. Even after hearing her say it, I still had my doubts. But seeing you right now, I can tell that you’ve missed me just as much as I missed you.”
In lieu of answer, Sana leaned in to rest her forehead against Mina’s shoulder. They stayed like for a moment until Mina used the hand on her cheek to get Sana to look at her.
“I k-”
“I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry Mina”
Mina smiled at her again, “It’s okay”
“No, it’s not. I hurt you. We spent months calling each other every day waiting till we could have this summer together, but I ruined it. Who the fuck breaks up with their girlfriend the second day they’re back. To make things worse I crossed a line with our best friend. You don’t deserve that. For the past two years, I made you wait for me; I promised it’ll all be easier once we’re older and in college, but I took that away from us. All that pining, anticipation, loneliness and pain was for nothing. I hurt you and it was all for nothing”
“You did hurt me, I’m not going to lie to you about that. But don’t do that, don’t belittle our entire relationship like it was some waiting period for something greater. Whether we make it to college or not, that doesn’t diminish the fact that I had two amazing years with you. Distance was hard, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy every call and text you sent me during that time. All those random selfies you’d send me while we’re both at school would make my whole day. I’d have taken one text from you over any physical date some other person in my school could have offered me. All those little things, they were enough. They still are. I just want you, Sana, in any shape or form”
Sana feels her jaw constrict as she tries to keep her tears at bay, but they all fall out as the sadness seeps into her voice when she starts talking, “I wasted so much time, we could have spent this past month together, but I wasted it all.”
Mina wipes away her tears with both hand cupping her cheeks now and presses their foreheads together “We still have tonight”
Sana wants to say that she needs more; that she wants Mina with her tomorrow, the day after that, and every other day that follows that. But then Sana’s mind flashes back to the nights she spent falling asleep with Mina on FaceTime, and she realizes that she will have her.
Sana’s not yet convinced that she deserves Mina’s love, but she repeats Mina’s words in her head again and tucks them into her heart as she allows herself to hope that maybe can be selfish and accept Mina’s love.
Sana decides to give in to the nagging urge that appeared when she first saw Mina, and she wraps her arms around Mina’s waist hugging her as tight as she can without hurting her “I’ve missed you so much” She leans slightly back to kiss the side of Mina’s head, “so so much”
Sana knows that she’ll have more moments of doubt again in the future, but they’ll deal with them as they come. For tonight, she’ll let herself drown in Mina’s affection.
September
Nayeon wipes the sweat off her palms on her school skirt as she tries to compose herself before someone else arrives. She made sure to be the first one to show up in class to prepare herself for facing Jeongyeon.
The door slides open and Nayeon flinches in her seat, but when she turns to look at the door it’s just another one of her classmates. She greets them with a small bow and smile before going back to her mental pep talk.
Once more of her classmates start showing up, Nayeon realizes that she made a huge mistake in showing up early. Not only did she fail at calming herself down, but each time the classroom door slid open, her heart threatened to jump out of her chest.
But once lunchtime rolls around, Nayeon will know that there was no point in worrying at all. Because Nayeon will ask Jihyo why Jeongyeon didn’t show up to school that day, and in return, Jihyo will slide a knife into her heart.
Jeongyeon had somehow managed to get the school to change her homeroom despite it being unheard of for a senior to change classes in their last semester.
November
The multicolored lights shone through the curtain and illuminated the front yard that Nayeon had grown to be very familiar with. Nayeon still stands at the edge of the sidewalk, not yet ready to make her way to the front door. She had been standing in the same spot for what felt like hours, and she would have felt guilty for being late if not for the fact that no one at the party was expecting her anyways.
Jihyo did make an offhand comment about Jeongyeon’s birthday being the perfect opportunity for them to talk again, but Nayeon doubts that she expected Nayeon to follow through even while she was proposing the idea.
So there isn’t a single person expecting her to be here. Great. Nayeon tries thinking of the best and worst possible outcome to her showing up unexpectedly, but she’s not even sure what she wants to come out of this.
Worst case scenario? Jeongyeon tells her to go fuck herself. Yes, that’s probably the worst thing that could happen. But also, could it happen? Jeongyeon’s too nice; even in Nayeon’s worst moments, she never turned her away or judged her. But then again she hasn’t spoken to Jeongyeon in months, so much could have changed in that time.
Alright, none of this is helping, Nayeon came here tonight to stop worrying about what could possibly go wrong, and finally start taking actions hoping for the best. So Nayeon thinks about Jeongyeon forgiving her and letting her back into her life, as friends. Maybe something more if she’s lucky. No, Nayeon played with her enough. They’re going to be friends, she can’t ask for more.
Nayeon lets out a loud groan of frustration while running her hands through her hair. Her mind’s been looping the same thought process for so long and she’s not any closer to walking up to the front door. She wishes Jeongyeon would save Nayeon the trouble of working up the nerve, and would just come outside to meet Nayeon.
In the next second, that’s exactly what happens. While Nayeon was busy being exasperated with herself, Jeongyeon walks out of her house apparently engaged in some sort of phone call. Nayeon can see the shock in her eyes, but Jeongyeon doesn’t stop walking until she’s standing a couple of steps away from Nayeon. Then she turns to her left, and starts waving. Nayeon follows her line of sight and notices a delivery man on a bike riding towards them. From their exchange, Nayeon can gather that the delivery man couldn’t find Jeongyeon’s house so she must have walked out here to grab his attention.
After Jeongyeon collects the Pizza boxes and the man rides off in his bike, she turns back towards the house and starts walking away.
Nayeon’s heart sinks with every step Jeongyeon takes, and she almost walks away too, ready to accept that this was a sign that she and Jeongyeon can’t get back what they had. But then a realization hits Nayeon, she was already living in the worst case scenario. She lost Jeongyeon without ever fighting for her or showing her how much she cared about her.
“Jeongyeon, wait!” Jeongyeon stops walking, and even turns around to face Nayeon.
“I... umm well— you see, I came here to talk you” you idiot, Nayeon thinks. Obviously, that’s what you came for.
“Oh, okay. I need to get this back to the others, just wait here till I get back” Jeongyeon says while raising the pizza boxes slightly for emphasis.
Jeongyeon goes back into the house, and all Nayeon could think about was how much she missed her voice. Despite knowing Jeongyeon half her life, Nayeon still managed to misremember what her voice sounded like. Thinking about her day and night was not able to stop time from blemishing Nayeon’s memories of her.
Once Jeongyeon came back sans the pizza boxes, Nayeon allowed herself to take in Jeongyeon’s appearance now that the shock of seeing her was gone. Anytime Nayeon inevitably ran into Jeongyeon at school, she’d never let herself look at her for longer than a second. So she’s long forgotten what it was like to stare straight into Jeongyeon’s eyes as the comfort of familiarity washes over her.
“Hey, so what’s up” Jeongyeon greeted her as casually as ever. But Nayeon can still see her fidget in place, it makes sense that she’s as nervous as Nayeon. She probably has more of a right to be than Nayeon does since she’s the one who got caught completely off guard.
Nayeon recalls the last time she spoke to Jeongyeon, and how patient Jeongyeon was with her, giving her as much time as she needed to respond. This time Nayeon won’t make her wait.
“Hey. First off, I wanna say I’m sorry for showing up her unexpectedly. I’m also sorry that I might potentially be ruining your birthday” Jeongyeon seemed like she wanted to brush off Nayeon’s apologies but Nayeon didn’t give her the opportunity to speak. “I’m sorry I ignored you for months. I’m sorry I kissed you and ran. I’m sorry that I didn’t kiss you sooner, that I lead you on for months, that I promised you nothing would change only for me to ruin everything between us. I’m sorry for everything I did to you, and fuck, I came here cause I couldn’t handle not having you in my life anymore, but talking to you right now is making me realize I don’t deserve you in my life at all...
I was never able to tell you how much you meant to me, and you might not care to hear this now, it’s definitely long overdue, but I need you to know how much I loved you. I love you so fucking much Jeongyeon that it drives me crazy. I let the fear of losing you paralyze me from taking the next step with you, but my inaction ended up doing just that. I missed you so much, i missed you every second of every day. And none of that changes what I put you through, but you deserved to know that I genuinely did love you and I never wanted to hurt you”
Nayeon takes a deep breath to make up for her fast talking.
A minute passes and Jeongyeon doesn’t respond. Her expression is not unreadable, she’s never been able to hide her emotions from Nayeon, but it doesn’t indicate how Jeongyeon’s planning on responding. Nayeon knows she’s still trying to take all her words in.
Suddenly, Jeongyeon turns around and scratches the back of her neck like she always did when she was nervous. Then in the next second, she turns back around to face Nayeon with a big exhale that materializes from the cold. Her cheeks were pink from the cold, and Nayeon is suddenly conscious of how cold she is and instinctively touches her own nose feeling how numb it’s become from standing out here for so long.
“I can’t do this, Nayeon. I’m so ready to take you back into my life with open arms, I literally have to hold myself back from kissing you right now. But I spent the whole time we were apart cursing myself for letting you hurt me so easily. I forgive you, I do. But my mind hates how easily my heart let you back in. I’m pretty sure you never left, but I don’t know if that’s enough reason for me to throw caution to the wind”
“I’m not asking you to take me back, I just thought I owed you an explanation”
“Yeah, but I want you back. I’m tired of wanting you. For once, I just want to be with you.”
Jeongyeon won’t meet her eyes anymore. Nayeon can tell she’s scared, because how couldn’t she be after everything Nayeon’s put her through.
Nayeon grabs Jeongyeon’s left hand with of her right and stares at it as she speaks.
“I want to be with you too. I feel like I’ll always hate myself for what I did to you. I couldn’t bring myself to talk to you sooner because I knew that once I did, I’d have the choice of dating you. And as much as I wanted to be your girlfriend, I knew that I wouldn’t do it because I wouldn’t have been able to forgive myself for hurting you. But right now I realize that I’d just be repeating the same mistake of causing you more hurt. So even though I feel like I’m not the girlfriend you deserve, do you want to finally give us a chance?”
Nayeon looks up and is surprised to find Jeongyeon’s eyes glossed with tears. Jeongyeon holds up their connected hands to rest on her cheek. The back of Nayeon’s hand is cold against Jeongyeon’s cheek, but Jeongyeon doesn’t seem to mind.
“I don’t love you blindly, Nayeon. You might think I do cause all you’re looking at are the hardships we’ve faced, but you’re so much more than that. The only time I feel like I don’t deserve you is when I think you might be out of my league.”
Jeongyeon drops their hands, and rests her forehead against Nayeon’s “Just kiss me, but only if you’ll stay this time”