Chapter Text
Despite how long Naruto had dreamed of being Hokage, he couldn’t help but be relieved when it was announced that Kakashi would be appointed before him. Whenever he closed his eyes, vivid images of limbs twisted into grotesque angles and pale, unmoving faces splattered with scarlet red would continue to haunt him. The war had lasted for much too long.
But even with the constant death and massive losses, Konoha stood its ground. Even now, gardens were being fertilised, flimsy stalls were selling goods to the public and international relations were stronger than ever before. Everything was moving back on track to the way things were before the preparations for the Fourth Shinobi World War.
Naruto knew that things wouldn’t just suddenly come to a stop once Kaguya was defeated and Sasuke came home. He knew that as a ninja, his purpose in life wasn’t as narrow as that. But when people looked at him their eyes would widen in awe or fear, admiration or contempt, judging him with a passion. Stripped of the barrier that had once stood between him and the villagers, he felt somewhat naked in front of the gazes of thousands of people. He was certain every one of them held a different vision of him in their heads, different expectations of who he needed to be. And their gazes would turn into voices in his head and the voices would shout, jeer, praise, compliment, fill him with paranoia until he ran away.
Which was what he was doing now.
Positioned far on a mountaintop, leaning on a rusty handrail distantly overlooking the restoration efforts being led by a pitiful number of surviving Konoha citizens. It was easier to hear his thoughts when he was by himself. The wistful thoughts that wondered what Sasuke, Sakura and his friends were doing right now. The nagging thoughts that reminded him it wasn’t normal to dream about bones and blood while there clearly was no longer a threat to his home.
“Naruto?”
Naruto angled his head to meet soft, lavender eyes, framed with dark strands of long hair. Their mouth was pulled taut with worry. For a second, Naruto had almost called the wrong name.
Neji.
But then he remembered Neji’s raspy final breaths, the harsh holes in his chest and fading focus of his pale eyes that pleaded unequivocal trust and hope before the man had literally died in his arms, and Naruto remembered why this person couldn’t possibly have been Neji because his proud and loving friend was irrevocably dead.
“Naruto, are you okay?” Hinata pressed, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder.
“Hm?” Oh. “Oh yeah, I’m…I’m fine.”
He inwardly cursed at himself for, again, projecting the past into reality. How hard could it be to just live and focus on the present? Everyone else was doing it. Heck, as someone who was so close to becoming Hokage, Naruto should have been the first one to step forward and gaze into the future with firm determination. He did try, at first. But there was truly no way he deserved a future when he had robbed so many of their own. The pain of the fallen was immeasurable and Naruto could only hope that someday he could take on their burden through whatever it takes.
Naruto’s grip tightened on the handrail, the peeling grey paint curling into his sweaty palms. “Are you okay, Hinata?”
He looked over to see her eyes drift downwards, following his previous gaze to the mess of dirt, rocks and debris amongst half-built houses and temporary camps. Several children were chasing each other outside with broken sticks, curving past the adults that carried planks of wood on their shoulders. Some kids stopped briefly to admire the lines of ninjas aiming their justus to break large clumps of sandstone.
Hinata let out an almost inaudible sigh. “I am. Everything’s being fixed now, and the war is over. And…”
The hand on his shoulder hesitated, along with her voice.
“And you’re here now, Naruto.”
Naruto didn’t have to look over to know she was blushing from the tips of her ears to her cheeks. His chest coiled at the sight, and for all he was known for being loud, he wasn’t sure how to respond.
“You’ll always have me,” he eventually reassured. He was certain of that. “As a friend.”
Naruto couldn’t meet her eyes. He could hear the small hitch in her breath even though he knew she was desperately trying to hide it.
“Okay,” she whispered. He watched her walk away slowly, as if she wasn’t sure how to process the gentle rejection she just received after pursuing the man for years on end. Something inside him ached when he’d seen her, but it was nothing compared to how it felt once he was left alone again.
Swallowing the sour taste of guilt, he forced his neck back to face the sky. A hushed whisper in his mind cursed himself for his insensitivity. He let the paint dig deeper into his grip, almost breaking skin, but it wasn’t enough. It would never be enough.
Naruto thought he caught a glimpse of sharply spiked hair and a familiar crest, and before he knew it, he was blindly following. When he realised what he was doing, he couldn’t contain the dry scoff at his predictable actions. Old habits die hard.
He didn’t know why he asked Sasuke to spar that afternoon. A fleeting whim after seeing the other wondering seemingly aimlessly along the shops, perhaps. Definitely not because he subconsciously desired to feel the physical infliction of pain he deserved, from the only man who could match his strength.
After Sasuke’s first punch landed, something in Naruto snapped and his gaze finally sharpened along with his senses. A second hit was coming but Naruto was ready, ducking smoothly while keeping his feet firmly anchored in the present. Naruto returned the punch with unreserved force. Grimaced as a blur of fists and kicks came aiming for his face and joints and he instinctively raised his arms to block. Threw barrages of shurikens and daggers, a distraction as he measured the best way to incapacitate the other as quickly as possible.
The adrenaline was different when he fought with Sasuke. His rival’s force was predictable. Thrilling. It was safe, yet borderline fatal. Naruto couldn’t help but grin, long forgetting the barrage of twisted corpses that had taken to distracting and corroding his conscious thoughts. He could feel himself falling into a familiar routine, blending seamlessly with Sasuke’s movements. The feeling of being absorbed into battle, the ache of premature bruises stinging under his skin and the unwavering attention of his lifelong rival was intoxicating.
A knifed hand flew dangerously close to Naruto’s face and he managed to flip his head back, grabbing Sasuke’s wrist who in reply shoved his other elbow into Naruto’s open throat. Before the hit could land, Naruto violently twisted the arm he gripped and as Sasuke hesitated in pain, he pinned Sasuke’s other arm. With both their legs and arms in a deadlock, struggling to either push the other over or twist out of their grasps, a bead of sweat ran down Naruto’s forehead and Sasuke’s eyes unconsciously followed the trail.
Blinking, Sasuke pulled his gaze away to lean in towards Naruto’s ear. Naruto tensed at his warm breath, barely registering Sasuke’s whisper, “You left your back open.”
And in a whirl of colours and blossoming pain, Naruto found himself digging his heels into the ground in a fruitless defence as Sasuke backed him into a bush of thistles. The moment he felt the first, sharp prick sting his legs Sasuke swung a final kick behind his ankles and his body finally met hard dirt.
The unforgiving midday sun pierced needles straight into Naruto’s eyes. He saw Sasuke looking down at him smugly, behind the harsh rays of sunlight.
“That’s better,” Sasuke smirked.
Without thinking Naruto sat up, so fast he might have dislocated his shoulder, and grabbed the material of Sasuke’s pants.
He didn’t quite manage to pull them down in a childish retaliation of his loss, but the exclamation of shock and disgust that he received as Sasuke stumbled out of his reach was more than enough revenge. A small smile spread on Naruto’s face as Sasuke flipped the finger at him and through the bruising pain, Naruto reckoned he could live like this forever.
“Hey. Help me up, you jerk.”
“Fuck off,” Sasuke rolled his eyes. “I didn’t even hurt you that badly.”
“Yeah but like it still hurts.”
“Not my problem.”
“Help me up.”
“No.”
“Are you hungry?”
“No.”
“Let’s eat together.”
“No.”
“It’s on me.”
“Fine.”
It was weird, Sasuke thought. How normal it was for him to succumb to the label of “best friends”, as the blonde would often jester, now that he was back in Konoha. He barely remembered what it was like before he and left Konoha for Itachi. He was sure that in the past, he'd trained himself to feel repulsion at the thought of sharing even more time with Naruto. But the freedom Sasuke now had, probably because his ‘friends’ bribed into accepting his presence in the village, was unwavering and constant. It was new. It was weird.
Sasuke figured that if the blonde would die for him on multiple occasions, it wouldn't hurt to do the same.
A hazel-feathered bird crashed onto Naruto’s half-open sill with a broken squawk.
Naruto’s fingers found their way around the kunai that rest under his pillow as he jerked awake, eyes darting wildly. The lack of an intruding figure had him hesitate, before his sleep vision quickly cleared realised the noise had simply been a messenger. The bird didn’t even spare him a second glance before spitting out the scroll between its beak and immediately flying out without waiting for a reply.
Naruto groaned, leaning his head back onto the pillow. A rush of blood briefly muted his ears at the movement, but Naruto was too tired to wince. For a moment he relaxed back into the warm sheets, revelling in the comfort and privilege of having to think about absolutely nothing, except the faint calls of magpies drifting in with waking sunlight and the rhythmic, resounding pulses of his heartbeat. He let out a slow breath, before standing up resolutely, grabbing his jacket and hoping Ichiraku’s was open.
He hadn’t even reached the streets before a tall, built and busty woman blocked his path with arms firmly crossed. One glance of the flowing, olive-green coat and Naruto instinctively brought his arms up in a half-hearted defence as a strong fist gave his head a berating hit.
“Oi, Naruto!” Tsunade barked. “How come it took me to pay you a visit in order to actually see your face around, huh?”
“Hehe.” Naruto couldn’t resist the corner of his mouth curling upwards. “I know I should’ve seen you sooner. Sorry.”
“You should be!”
“Guess I thought you'd be pretty busy with the hokage handover stuff.”
She frowned. “Yeah sure, because you never used to annoy me when I'm busy. I’m more concerned that you haven’t been nagging me day after day about making you the next Hokage. So I figured you’d either died from high blood pressure eating too much takeout or you’ve actually been busy doing crap. I can see it’s not the latter.”
“Hey, I’m on my way to go see Kakashi.” He held up the scroll with exaggerated enthusiasm. “See? I can be productive.”
“Whatever. Spare me a few and stop by my place for a second.”
“You need something from me?”
“Company.” Tsunade was already striding ahead. “And just a heads up, don’t even start feeling guilty about rocking up late to your meeting with Kakashi. Chances are you’ll still be at the Hokage tower before him.”
Naruto grinned and followed.
Stepping into the threshold of Tsunade’s home felt surprisingly welcoming and homely. He had been here countless times, and yet the hollowness that had been eating at Naruto’s chest for weeks squirmed at the thought of stepping onto the clean floorboards with his mud-plastered shoes.
As they settled into the room, Naruto plastered a pleasant expression on his face with his hands clasped behind his back. Tsunade sat at her desk, observing Naruto nervously rocking on his heels in the middle of the cluttered floor.
“What’s up, granny?”
Crossing her arms, Tsunade didn’t falter in her response. “You know what’s up. I can tell when something’s not right, and it’s you.”
“Aw, stop, you’re making me blush.”
“Naruto.” she repeated more firmly, a thread of exasperation in her voice. “Where’ve you been?”
He pondered for a while, debating on his answer. “I’ve been around.” he decided, convincing himself it wasn’t exactly a falsehood.
Tsunade scoffed. “I’ve been hearing you’re either out stalking Sasuke somewhere or just staring at the village from clifftops, Naruto. Not that that’d usually be a problem, but right now things are a mess. And we really need you to be helping with reparations or doing at least something around the place.”
But did they need his help? Did the villagers honestly want someone, who had helped contribute to this inferno of destruction, try to piece everything back together with glue like it never happened? He’d watched their husbands, their relatives, their loved ones die in battle, sacrificing their lives while he’d played the forsaken hero, and everyone truly wouldn’t look at him without apprehension in their eyes?
Maybe he was paranoid. Maybe, and there was a logical part of him that acknowledged the thought, he was overreacting and should just return to being the hero and pretend he truly was worth the presence. But anxiety gripped his throat like a madman, choking every breath with every thought of foolish optimism that dared to leave the confines of their shackles, and suddenly he knew that he was right all along.
Naruto fixed his smile, inwardly cursing at the realisation that it had disappeared in the first place. “Yeah, heh, sorry granny. I’ve been kinda busy, just…” Walking aimlessly outside of town or alone in his apartment, left to wonder if Sasuke had felt just as lost after he had seen his family be killed by his only brother as a child.
“Catching up with my friends?” That seems friendly enough, right?
Tsunade raised an eyebrow skeptically. “Sakura’s the one who told me in the first place that you’ve barely been around. Physically and…emotionally.” She figured there was no point trying to make it seem as if she wasn’t purposely hinting at her own worry at Naruto’s health. “You know us doctors aren’t just around for wounds that bleed.”
“There’s seems to be enough of that recently that there’s no time for anything else.” Naruto bit out. “Besides, I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. There’s nothing to be concerned about.” He regretted his sharp tone as he felt Tsunade’s stare harden.
“Are you sure?” She twirled a scroll between her fingers. “You’re old enough to know yourself, so I can’t pry. Are you really sure you don’t wanna talk about it?”
He saw the lifeline she was extending, and could see himself being caught hook, line and sinker. Tsunade wasn’t like everyone else; Tsunade would understand. But a corrosive ball of doubt haunted his mind, reminding him that he was fine, and that he should be the one offering comfort to others, not others comforting him. He didn’t deserve to be comforted. With that, a resolute shadow hung over his eyes.
“I’m sure. There’s nothing wrong, and I’m sorry I’ve been such a recluse. I’ll make sure to help with the rebuilding sometime and I’ll send you letters more often?” He tried for a compromising tilt of his head, along with a hesitant, yet hopeful tone.
When she gave a loud huff of exasperation, he knew he had won.
“Whatever, kid.” She swirled around on her chair, shielding her expression from Naruto. “Stay safe. And get outta here.”
“Sure thing.” He saluted, turning the doorknob. Just as he was about to close the door, he managed to catch Tsunade pull a medium-sized opaque jar from her drawer with a grunt.
“Stay low on the alcohol while you’re young.” Naruto suggested, closing the door.
He could hear the resounding ‘yeah right’ that echoed down the corridor as he left her room, and felt perhaps just a bit lighter after having seen granny Tsunade again.
Kakashi walked in three hours late to his meeting with Naruto, despite having been the one to send the invitation. The blonde was spinning vigorously on the visitor’s wheelie chair, not bothering to pause even after hearing the door click open.
“How can you be late to your own office?” Naruto complained, letting his heels touch the ground so that he would halt eventually. He was glad Tsunade had taken up so much of his time earlier or else he might’ve considered breaking something in the room to cure his boredom. Perhaps the window. With his body.
Kakashi simply raised the small book in his hand as he made his way to his desk. “My copy got destroyed in the war. Wanted to buy a new one as soon as the owner was up and running again-”
“Then why’d ya call me here so early?” Naruto sighed dramatically, leaning his elbows on the table.
“-Which happened to be slightly later in the day than I had anticipated.”
“Yeah, yeah. So. Do you need me for something, Kakashi?”
The hokage manoeuvred around his chair, opening his drawer and shuffling through what sounded like papers before throwing a thin paperclip file at Naruto’s face. It landed accurately with a muffled yelp. “Mission. D rank. Have fun.”
Naruto’s jaw dropped open at his mentor, the words ‘are you serious?’ bridging his tongue. But at the judging look of the Hokage who seemed to be daring him to make some sort of complaint, Naruto figured there would be no way out of this one.
“But why?”
“You know why, kid.” Kakashi was already turning away to his other files, shooing Naruto away with one hand. “Too much moping around never suited you.”
Something told Naruto that Kakashi had been talking to Tsunade. “But D missions are so boring! You could’ve given me a B or something at least!”
“You’re getting the D.” Kakashi droned, flipping through his files. “Not that you have a choice. Your head’s in the clouds. Well, there’s that, and I don’t really feel like giving you a mission you’d actually enjoy. Take it as a punishment for all the people coming up to me and asking when you’d be making your rounds and whether you’re still alive or not.”
“But sensei-“
Kakashi’s piercing glare practically dared Naruto to challenge his authority, and Naruto felt himself wither into a slouch.
So at Kakashi’s next question, Naruto replied with yes, he’ll take the job and yes, he hadn’t really been fulfilling his responsibilities as a ninja as of late, and yes, he’ll take the goddamned D ranked mission and finish it three days faster just to spite him.
The mission was, presumptively, to remind Naruto of the simple pleasures of helping others, which would supposedly draw the peppy and overeager Naruto out of his moping and into the public eye once more.
Naruto knew this, and yet could still not give an ever-loving fuck about placing himself back on a pedestal for people to gawk at. No matter what Tsunade or Kakashi or Sakura said, Naruto was fine. Would it honestly be so terrible that he wanted some time alone after saving the world and getting Sasuke back?
The day after he came home from the mission, staggering into his bed despite the disgustingly bright sun, Naruto was woken up by a short, loud rap on his door.
“For fuck’s sake,” Naruto cried, lying in bed just a little longer. Then he remembered Tsunade was probably still stalking him and would confront him if he didn’t act sociable enough to not be considered a psychopath. The person who stood behind the door was, however, not Tsunade.
“Get your shit together, we’re going out.” Sasuke ordered.
“Wait, what the shit-” He hadn’t even fully opened the door yet-
Sasuke rapped on the wood again impatiently.
“Yo, Sas, I just got back from a mission like 12 hours ago.”
“You told me it was a D-rank mission, the fuck are you complaining about?”
“Yeah, well,” Naruto dropped his voice, mumbling, “I got it done way faster by not sleeping.”
“That’s obviously your own fault, you idiot.”
“I know. Sorry. Wait, why am I apologising-”
“It’s past noon and you’re still sleeping like a pig.”
“I was in bed, not sleeping. There’s a difference.”
“Congratulations. You do realise that even I don’t mope as much as you do these days, right?”
“Honestly? That’s debatable.”
Sasuke kicked Naruto in the shin and the blonde swore, scowling up at Sasuke’s straight face whilst clutching his leg.
“Be out in ten. I’m counting.”
“Ten minutes?”
“Ten seconds.”
Eleven minutes later, Naruto was blindly following Sasuke down the streets of Konoha. They passed the sparring area.
“Where are we going again, Sasuke?”
“The shops.”
“And why are we going there?”
“Because I need new clothes.”
“You could’ve gone yourself. I’m literally not even stopping you. Why do I have to tag along?”
“Because you’re usually tripping over your own feet trying to gain my attention so I figured I’d save you the trouble.”
Asshat.
“Excuse me?”
Oh shit I said that out loud. “Nothing.”
“Thought so. But really, you’re coming because you’re buying.”
“What?! Who said?!”
“Your frog wallet full of cash.”
“That’s a lie!” Naruto gripped his frog-shaped wallet close to his chest dramatically. “Gama-chan would never betray me!”
“I’m not allowed to go on missions or touch my family funds until they’ve completely cleared my status.” His voice was stern, as if daring Naruto to mock him.
“Oh.” Naruto said.
Sasuke clicked his tongue. “I’ll pay you back when I can.”
“Sounds good to me.”
The underground shopping malls were still standing, surprisingly, despite the destruction of war. A symphony of overlapping voices was the first thing he noticed when they descended the stairs. Quiet laughter being shared between adjacent store owners. Hopeful requests from customers for lower prices on their purchases, clashing with persistent and persuasive haggling. Booming announcements scattered around the stores, proudly advertising dirt-low prices for prime condition secondhand goods.
Store owners were littered around the floor with carts of clothes, homeware and amusing trinkets. Dim bulbs illuminated Naruto’s eyes as he took in the rows of shops bursting with colour. The organised mess of shirts and books and kitchenware brought with them a tidal wave of memories. He had come here last shopping with Sakura and Sai after a mission one night when they went looking for new shoes. Sai, the straightforward and frustrating man, hadn’t bothered to tell anyone he had busted his soles and was promptly dragged by his two teammates to the mall after his feet left a blood stain on the gravel. Needless to say, they had since taught the boy to be more vocal about things that would normally discomfort other people. Like a hole in their foot.
Naruto gave a small smile, tugging Sasuke towards the nearest stall.
“Here. What about this one, Sas?”
“Did you only say that because it’s the first blue thing you saw ever since we came down here?”
“…No.”
“Hn. You have no taste.” Sasuke gave Naruto a once-over. “Though that really shouldn’t come as a surprise.”
“Hey.”
“Kidding.”
“What kind of clothes are you looking for anyway?”
“Dunno. Clothes to wear.”
“Not clothes to take off? Wink wonk.”
“Stop nudging me,” Sasuke scoffed, pushing at the other man. “You’re not funny.”
“I’m a fucking clown.”
The next clothing stall owner winked at the two of them, resting her head on her palm. With her free hand, she gestured to the spread of thick capes folded neatly on the table in front of her.
“Take a look, boys. You’ve got hand-sewn capes on the racks over there, made by me, and premium capes on the table, that I wish were made by me. They’re imported straight from the country of cotton itself.” She winked again.
Sasuke hummed, thumbing the cloth of a knee-length navy cape with modest gold buttons securing the turtle-neck collar.
Naruto watched as Sasuke stared at the same cape for several minutes. “You like that one?”
“It’s not bad.”
“It’s nice. If you grow your hair out into, like, an emo side fringe or whatever and wear that cape, you’d look like some dodgy back-alley magician.”
“I would never grow an emo side fringe.”
“I dunno man, I can kinda see you rocking one.”
“Yeah right, just like you could totally rock a shorter haircut.”
Naruto lit up. “You think so? I was actually thinking of cutting my hair soon. You know, to keep it fresh. New hair new me.”
Sasuke stared at him. “You know what? Do whatever you want, dobe. I’m going to buy this cape.”
“Seriously?”
“If you don’t like it, then that’s a sign it’s an actually decent design.”
“I never said I didn’t like it. I was just making fun of you liking it because it’s fun. And because you beat me last time in our spar.”
“You tried to pull my pants down.”
“Yeah but I didn’t, did I?”
“Is it just me or do you get more annoying every time you open your mouth?”
“It’s part of my charm,” he smiled sweetly, passing the money to the lady who winked again.
“Thanks Naruto,” she grinned, passing a bag over to Sasuke for him to transfer the cape into. Sasuke was still pinching the stitching appreciatively.
“Ah, that’s okay…” Naruto paused. “Oh sorry, what was your name?”
“It’s Cinsia.” She beamed, clapping her hands together. “You know, I gotta admit, I never thought I’d get to see you famous people up close. Everyone says you’re always out and about helping everyone, Naruto. The nine-tailed hero. Konoha’s next hokage. Imagine my surprise when I see you down here like a normal person.” She laughed loudly. “It’ll be even better for business telling everyone that the infamous Sasuke bought my capes. Sure he seems like a bipolar creep, but isn’t everyone at some stage in life? And I hear some people don’t like you either because they thought you were too gay for Sasuke to really care about what happens to the rest of us, but you know, everyone shit talks everyone so it doesn’t really matter, even if you’re kinda the saviour of the world and everything, which is why I love you. Anyway, I’m blathering. Hope to see you and your friend again soon! Have fun looking around.”
Naruto smiled. Then frowned, and smiled again. “Ok. Thanks again, Cinsia. Bye.”
When he found Sasuke again, he was analysing a lilac pullover vest mixed in a mess of clothes hangers stuffed onto a crowded sale rack.
“This is nice.” Sasuke murmured to himself.
“The colour looks lovely.” Naruto agreed. “The, uh, the v-neck though…it kinda shows more skin than your current v-neck, which I didn’t think was possible. Coz this one’s sleeveless as well. But you know, I don’t think anyone will really complain.” Naruto poked Sauske’s biceps. “At all.”
“I wasn’t asking for your opinion. Besides, I’d wear something under it as well. A long sleeve.”
“I have this orange undershirt that would go perfectly-”
“No.”
For some reason, Cinsia’s words were autoplaying on loop Naruto’s mind. He shrugged to himself, giving Sasuke an exaggerated wink, “It even has the Uzumaki crest.”
“Listen, usuratonkachi, I’ll wear the Uzumaki crest when you wear the Uchiha crest.”
Naruto was silent.
Sasuke continued, “In other words, never.”
“Yeah, that seems about right.”
Sasuke bought the vest.
They wandered around the rest of the mall and Sasuke ended up buying some pants and a new katana holster. Satisfied, he dragged Naruto away from a stall selling glass windchimes, much to Naruto’s dismay, and they went back up to the streets.
A long yawn echoed from Naruto and looked up at the pale orange sky. He didn’t notice so much time had passed. It was almost nightfall.
Night. Sleep. Or lack thereof.
That was another problem he’d have to talk to Sakura about again. She had refused to give him sleeping pills the last time they’d met, but perhaps she’d change her mind. Something about the pills being for general insomnia, and not a medicine to aid the daily paranoia associated with gradually seeping to unconsciousness through the process of falling asleep in a loud chamber of uncontrollable thoughts.
Today had been good. Today was as normal as normal could get.
A part of him whispered a dark reminder that this was why he had been self-isolating himself. He didn’t deserve to be admired by that hyperactive store owner, or to feel so alive next to his companion. He shouldn’t be walking around with half a smile on his face. Not while his other companions were stuck in their graves, their corpses rotting into the dirt, and his irreplaceable friend was so very, very dead with needles in his back and the blood was on his hands-
Oh my god, Naruto screamed at himself. For once, other Naruto, shut the fuck up.
“Heey.”
Sasuke ignored him.
“Sasuke.” Naruto allowed a bit of his internal panic to rise in his voice.
“Hn?”
“Are you doing anything tonight?”
“Cooking.”
“What are you making?”
“Food.”
“Screw you. Whatever you’re making, make enough for two.”
They stopped to let an elderly man feebly cross in front of them. Sasuke narrowed his eyes. “Thanks for asking, dobe.”
“Feed me too,” Naruto whined. “Please?”
“I’m making tomato nabe tonight. Not ramen, idiot.”
“I don’t care, and that sounds amazing. I can even help cook!”
“No chance in hell you will. It’s my kitchen and I cook alone.”
“Alright. I ain’t complaining with that. But I am very confused so just for clarification is that a yes or no?”
Sasuke grunted.
“Thanks, Sas.”
“This is me paying you back for the clothes, okay?”
“What? Just dinner’s not gonna cut these costs.”
“So?”
“Do you have tea?”
“Hinata followed us for four hours today.”
“No, not that kind of tea you bastard. I prefer the drinkable kind.”
“Obviously. They were giving out samples yesterday.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. But you were away on your little mission. Sucked in.”
“You’re so rude to me.”
“No I’m not.”
“Prove it. Let me sleep over too.”
“Naruto.”
“Sasuke you can’t tell me that I’m moping too much and then not let me chill at your place. And you stayed over at my place last week after your mission! We’re best friends, man. Amigos. You won’t even notice I’m there, I promise!”
The plastic bags rustled as Sasuke rubbed the crinkles beginning to form in his forehead. “Somehow I find that really, really hard to believe, dobe.”
There was a strangely homey sort of feel, walking into the Uchiha manor. Even though Naruto could count with one hand the number of times he had been inside the manor, seeing the walls that Sasuke grew up with somehow gave him secondhand nostalgia. But something about the house had a sort of warmth that his own apartment lacked. Though it probably had everything to do with the fact that there was simply another person under the same roof. A living being he’d known for years, sharing the otherwise cold, open manor. He liked to believe it was the old house that was special.
The minimalistic decoration was pristinely organised in stark comparison to the mess of Naruto’s own apartment that had clothes, rubbish and weapons scattered everywhere. The tidiness here practically screamed Sasuke, with the man’s obsession to keep his possessions in neat control. Considering that only one person was living in the enormous manor, the furniture was surprisingly dust-free and showed no signs of repeated use. The least Naruto could do to lighten up the interior was to run into the living room and flop onto the couch with the grace of a careless dog.
A clean house; a clear mind. How exciting. He peered at Sasuke from over the top of the couch.
“Are you sure you don’t need any help, Sas?”
“I’m fine.” The sounds of cupboard doors opening and shutting interjected his words as the man busied himself with the groceries. “I prefer cooking alone and I know what I’m doing.”
Twenty minutes later, Naruto was clamouring into the kitchen manically waving his jacket over the hazardous flames bursting over the stovetop in a chaotic explosion of lightning and gas.
“Sasuke what the actual fuck, you’re not supposed to Chidori the fucking stove-”
“Fuck you I do it all the time, it’s supposed to catch on fire-”
“Yeah like mini fire, not burn-down-a-village-and-overcook-your-chicken fire!”
“I swear to god this isn’t overcooked you piece of shit, it’s well-done, and stay the hell out of my kitchen!”
“You’re supposed to turn it on like this, this knob here is for-”
“Oh yeah, like you know more about cooking than me, you takeout freak.”
“You know what? I actually do, bastard! You’d think living alone would teach you some common sense around the kitchen!”
“I have common sense! I’m not the one that crazily chased a dude for years who didn’t even wanna be friends!”
“Oh you so wanted to be friends.”
“Whatever, I’ve got this under control I’m fine-”
“You’ve already cut the potatoes too small, they’re going to smush and make the broth way too starchy. I can help you, believe it!”
“Fine then!”
“Fine!”
“Hey, it actually looks pretty good. I can’t believe you almost stopped me from making octopus sausages. They’re obviously the highlight of the hot pot.”
“What good is it to look good if it’s not tasty?” Sasuke murmured, spooning some tomatoes and sausages into his bowl.
“So pessimistic,” Naruto scolded, letting his gaze drift to the window while he waited to grab his own serving. The brilliant glow of the lightbulb appeared like a moon against the glass and he stared at the reflection of the dining table filled with hot pot ingredients, the nabe emitting generous puffs of steam into the air. His stomach growled quietly.
“Itadakimasu.”
Sasuke took a sip of the nabe broth and immediately spluttered a small cough. Naruto watched curiously as Sasuke smoothly covered his mouth with a tissue before continuing to eat like nothing had happened. Curiously, Naruto lifted his spoon and felt the overly acidic, starchy liquid sluggishly burn down his throat.
“So?” Sasuke asked nonchalantly, his eyes focused on the rusty-orange broth.
Naruto couldn’t help but grin. “It’s really good.”
“Liar.”
“There’s room for improvement.”
“What, you a food critic now?”
“I’m not judging you Sas, chill it’s all good. It’s really not that bad. Hey, how ‘bout next time we use beef?”
He chewed thoughtfully. “Hn.”
Naruto took another bite, happily noting, “The cheese though-”
“Fucking gross.”
“I’m really glad we’re on the same page.”
No-one had slept in Sasuke’s parents or Itachi’s room ever since the incident, and it was going to stay that way. Naruto nestled into his futon on the floor of Sasuke’s room, praying the other man had enough ninja decency to avoid stepping on him if Naruto woke up earlier, or just annoyed Sasuke in general. He heard shuffling come from the bed across the room and closed his eyes, letting the rustling sheets fade into the white noise along with the groaning wind and occasional barking dog somewhere along the streets ahead.
He brought the soft blanket up to his chin, inhaling the smell of sunshine and lemongrass. Naruto yawned widely. “I have another mission in a couple days.”
“Hn,” Sasuke replied, his voice a low hum. “D rank?”
“C rank. Don’t underestimate the great Naruto Uzumaki.”
“The hokage seems to.”
Naruto paused mid-shrug, remembering that Sasuke couldn’t see him in the darkness. “I kinda had that coming honestly. Don’t really wanna do it but…”
“You can do it, so do it. Don’t be a freeloader.”
“Ok, ok, sheesh, it’s not like I was busy the last couple months or anything, fighting a war.”
“But you’re not anymore, idiot. You’re stalking the village from the clifftops like a creep and avoiding everyone.”
“Yeah well, I’m here now aren’t I?”
Sasuke glanced over to the futon, watching Naruto stare blankly into the ceiling. “Yeah you are,” he sighed. “So what’s your stupid mission, more hauling rocks?”
“Heavy metals. Long distance, over the southern forest where rogues are usually sighted. Don’t miss me, I’ll be back in less than 5 days.”
“Take your time.”
“I’ll do what I want.” Naruto laughed quietly.
Spreading his palms out towards the floor, Naruto let out a long breath, attempting his nightly ritual to calm his restless chakra. Recently, the energy seemed to surge through his body in bouts of adrenaline that inevitably led to overthinking and, annoyingly enough, insomnia, when he wasn’t exhausted enough to be distracted by pestering thoughts.
The longer Naruto stared at the ceiling the fuzzier the corners of his vision became as sleep tried to cloud his consciousness. A masochistic, dreadful thread of willpower stubbornly pulled his consciousness back towards his mind whenever it began to drift away, like it had ever since the final battle. He almost gave a tired yell of frustration. Why couldn’t his mind stop fucking tormenting him for one bloody night?
“I get distracted a lot.”
“I’m asleep, dobe.”
“It’s like this weird…negative energy? I don’t know, something like that, and it’s so annoying and distracting and I wish I could turn it off. I can’t right now.”
“This is not a girls sleepover, Naruto.”
“How are you still the same? Do you get weird flashbacks too?”
“Don’t be stupid and go to sleep.”
“I mean it though.”
Sometimes, entering the village square would feel like walking into audience chamber. Except he would be at the front and centre when all he wanted to be was lost among the crowd of scarred, battle-worn bodies. At least, until he figured out exactly where his confidence had fucked off. The irony wasn’t lost on him. Oh, how younger Naruto would bite and hiss if he knew what his future-self coveted, even if only for a brief moment.
Naruto continued, mumbling mostly to himself, “I don’t really get it myself. But I think you would. Or at least I know you’d listen the best. When I hang out with friends, I’m really happy. Everyone knows I love you guys. But when I’m by myself I feel like shit and I kinda deserve it. Like everyone’s got this vision of who I’m meant to be and I gotta be that person because everyone’s finally counting on me, but half the time I’m not that person and no-one needs me until I am. If I was half as good as people made me out to be, then I’d probably be dating Hinata right now.”
“Excuse me?”
“And it hurts to think about it because sometimes I just get in over my own head thinking and I hate it. I hate thinking sometimes.”
“You’re overthinking, stupid.”
“Yeah but I know I haven’t really changed but still I’m not always the same either and that’s scary and I don’t even know what I’m saying.” Naruto inhaled sharply, barely registering that he had been severely running out of breath. “Why am I so stupid?”
“I said you’re stupid,” Sasuke started pointedly, “Because half the things you’re probably thinking about aren’t your even your fault. And you’re stupid because you haven’t bothered to talk to anyone about this. Besides, you know everyone’s been dying-”
Naruto flinched.
“-Eager,” he corrected, “To hang out with you. Half the time Sakura’s not bugging me with her little crush on Ino, she’s asking about you coz she misses you, idiot. It’s not like you have a shortage of friends, you damned matyr. Go see them more often. You’ll pep right up.”
“But part of me knows that and that’s why I’m avoiding them, Sas. Or what if I forget to be happy around them?” The strange bubbles of anxiety that had been rising in his chest suddenly morphed into actual words for the first time, no matter how long he had searched to name the feeling. His words tumbled out faster. “Like- the Naruto in my head right now is such a fucking dick, and if I say shit like that to them, I…I wouldn’t know what to do.”
“You’re really not being particularly dickish to me. I think it’s safe to say you’re still a nice guy, dobe.” He thought about their battle at the Valley of the End, a battle that replayed often in his mind. He added quietly, “A really nice guy.”
A thoughtful silence filled the room. Strangely enough, Sasuke found himself wishing he’d put the futon a little bit closer. Naruto’s pain-laced voice sent moths fluttering in his stomach and he tightened his fist, trying to focus on anything else but holding his friend.
“Just…” Sasuke continued, hoping his voice in the darkness would pierce the aura of pure loneliness radiating from Naruto. “Just talk to them, like you’re talking to me.”
“You’re different, Sasuke. You…” A wave of nostalgia and affection came crashing onto Naruto’s chest. He swallowed it down. They hadn’t just shared the same battlefield but also the same childhood and Naruto was vaguely aware of how he’d been chasing that connection ever since the day Sasuke left the village. And now he was right here, metres from his grasp. The day he would sever that connection would be the day his heart stopped beating at all. The inner-confession felt like a weight lifting from his chest, one of many feelings he could finally pry from the mess of emotions and categorise into a neat box labelled ‘Fuck I Might Be Into Sasuke Way More Than I Thought I Already Was’.
“I know you, Sasuke. You know me. You wouldn’t treat me differently. I don’t want to make people worry about something they can’t change because I can’t just turn off these shitty thoughts like a light switch. And you…I dunno. You wouldn’t change how you act towards me even if I started spouting weird shit like this. That’s why I-”
I really, really like you.
Naruto bit his lip. That was a talk for another day, not tonight. There was no way he was risking it when he hopelessly needed his best friend.
“I’m just confused,” Naruto finished lamely. “And being with you makes me less confused. About who I am.”
“Who are you, then?”
I’m someone who would never stop following you until I die, because you’re my other fucking half, Sasuke. “I’m an idiot.” As the words left his mouth, Naruto felt the corner of his mouth tilt upwards in the slightest smile.
“Yes you are. A loud-mouthed, stupidly empathetic, heroic idiot.”
“Hey.”
“You didn’t just blindly kill people. And you’re not the only one that gets to take responsibility for everything just because you had Kurama and flashy powers, show-off.”
“Says the dude floating around in a massive fucking purple skeleton. Outside of Halloween, that’s just cringy. But yeah, sure, I made choices that I have to live with and I’ll never forget them.” It was startling how easily the words slipped out. He blinked.
“Good for you.” Sasuke offered.
“Sasuke?”
“What?”
“Thanks.”
“I didn’t do anything.”
“You’re always here for me, teme, and that’s more than good enough.”
“You’ve got really low standards.”
“Aw, you’re too sweet.”
Sasuke propped himself up on one elbow, facing Naruto who regarded him gently. “You’re smiling. But you still feel like shit though, huh?”
He chuckled, “Yeah, Sas. Sorry.”
“Don’t apologise, dobe.”
“Sorry. I don’t feel that bad here, though. I was thinking earlier, your house is really nice. It’s got nice vibes. And you know, you’re here too.”
“Did you forget that you own an apartment yourself? Then again, anything’s possible with you.”
Naruto shuddered. “It’s a ghost town there. I think the Naruto living in it’s been half-dead for a while. I think I might sell it.”
“What, and lounge off me like a flea while you’re homeless? I don’t think so, pest.”
“Aw, really? I really can’t stay here?”
“This is the Uchiha residence.”
“Then make me an Uchiha.” Wait, what?
“What?”
“What?”
“Idiot.”
“Duck-butt.”
He felt his words begin to slur, his eyelids submitting to the invisible, stubborn weight dragging them closed. Bits and pieces of the conversation flittered through his mind, too faint to continue processing. And as he drifted, he could see something in the distance. Dazed, he floated towards it in a blind, slow chase.
When the distant, blurred image was finally clearing, he squinted, his gaze gradually focusing on Sasuke’s sleeping form across the room. A warm, golden haze of sunlight leaked through the blinds and caressed the tension from his muscles in an unusually comforting way.
Naruto knew he was going to be assigned a partner for his next mission.
He didn’t know it was going to be Hinata.
So that’s why Kakashi was so vague when I asked who I’d be dragging materials with, he mused. Despite their last encounter, she gave a cheerful smile when she saw him, pulling a loose strand of hair behind her right ear. He would even say her expression was slightly less bashful than usual. The fondness in her face was incredibly reassuring and he couldn’t help but return the grin.
It took longer for him to remember that he still carried the weight of her brother’s death on his shoulders. A jitteriness began to tingle through his fingers and a small part of him internally groaned at the irritating paranoia. You're overthinking. Sasuke's confirmation replayed inaudibly in the back of his mind and Naruto fought to control his breathing once more. How much longer would his one-dimensional brain compel him to forget how much he enjoyed the company of his sweet friend right next to him?
"Naruto."
Her voice lifted with the breeze, a sweet, familiar melody guiding him towards the present. "Hey, Hinata."
“Ready to go?”
No. “Absolutely.” Ok, fine then Naruto, play it cool.
Working with Hinata made the job of transporting tonnes of scrap metal infinitely less gruelling than it would have been with a less experienced shinobi or a stranger. As they ran through the forest, she was notably more vocal than he had ever heard before, casually recounting stories of what her and the others had been up to. Her airy voice weaved seamlessly into his humorously blunt commentary like always. Something pressed him to give his companion an apology for avoiding her along with everyone else so he did and Hinata raised her eyebrows at this, opening her mouth to respond when suddenly-
Hinata skid to a halt, activating her byakugan and Naruto whipped his head to the direction she was tensely inspecting.
“Rogues,” she warned.
“How many?”
“They’re moving too fast. It’s a pack, but they’re not really heading towards us.” She squinted with a grimace. “We really shouldn’t chase after them with all this luggage we’ve got and how many missing-nin they’ve got. I-I’m pretty sure the Hokage is sending another high-ranked mission for that soon. Right, Naruto?”
Maybe it was the lack of sleep he’d had recently, besides the night he’d spent at Sasuke’s place. Or maybe it was the buzz, the low pump of adrenaline that always came with using a bit too much chakra after a stagnant period of pretty much zero missions. Either way, the desire to fight, to bleed, to protect like his life depended on it came rushing back like a tide swiftly returning to shore.
“We need to stop them now.” He could feel the heat rushing to his head and oh god, when was the last time he had actually fought with the intent to harm? Like his life depended on it? The all-too-recognisable jittery feeling webbed through his body and he scrunched his fingers into his fists. “There’s no guarantee they’ll be able to find them again. They’ve been here for ages, yet no-one’s caught them. We’re strong, Hinata. We can take them. We need to take them.”
“A-Are you sur-”
“Hinata.” Watching her stammer, he purposefully made his smile just that bit wider, sympathetically tilting his head. “It’s important so that no-one gets hurt. It’s our duty as ninjas to do whatever we can to stop them, isn’t it?”
Hinata blinked and a speckled blush began to form on her cheeks. He pretended not to notice. After a moment’s consideration, she pursed her lips and nodded, albeit hesitantly.
Naruto shot through the trees. He didn’t have to look behind him to know that Hinata would be flying right behind him.
With every leap, he could feel his stomach dipping and jumping along with his hazardous movements leaving him dizzy with anticipation. He barely noticed that the excitement was heavily tinged with a budding sense of fulfilment, and he wondered why the thought of battle suddenly seemed so exhilarating. Accelerating through the forest with a newfound mission, Naruto savoured the sharp wind cutting past his skin, his heart beating too fast and too vigorously against his ribcage. He’d missed this, missed feeling alive and the moments of near miss that led up it. Finally, a chance to walk to fine line between life and death and decide exactly which one he was truly destined to fall for. The taunting voice in his voice hissed that he probably deserved the latter. He tried his best to ignore it.
“Think you can just bring a shitload of metal that’s worth a ton of cash through these woods and leave without leaving us some?” An arrogant voice sneered to his left.
Naruto snapped his head around, too unimpressed to bother with a comeback, and grabbed a branch to use his momentum to immediately swing a leg into the jeering attacker. A disappointing chase of cat and mouse that didn’t even require ninjutsu - it wasn’t worth the effort. Something inside his chest stung, and he remembered with a clarity that this wasn’t a game, these were real people who were going to hurt other real people and deserved to be captured and defeating villains were always worth the effort. But who decides who’s the villain in the end? Naruto thought glumly.
He could see Hinata out of the corner of his eye, tying bodies together as Naruto dealt with the last of the conscious rogues, their attack and defence marginally more impressive than the others. It was almost mechanic the way Naruto moved: dodge, double kick, swing, punch.
You left your back open.
Whipping his head around, absolutely certain that Sasuke’s voice had resounded right behind him, Naruto felt grossly cheated at the badly contained gleeful laugh escaping from behind the bushes at what seemed like the golden opportunity of a distracted opponent. The rogue didn’t expect the blade he’d directed to the apex of Naruto’s head come flying straight back at him with the same velocity, and promptly swore as it plunged into his heart with an unforgiving force.
Naruto looked around wildly, panting. There was something else. Something he’d missed, like the day he sparred with Sasuke.
A figure cast in camouflage leaped out of the bushes behind Hinata with a spear in one hand and a scroll in the other and Naruto didn’t hesitate to push Hinata out of the way before he was met with a cold dousing of electricity, flames and ice all at once.
The white hot pain slammed into his body mercilessly, gripping his heart with a fierce intensity.
He hadn’t noticed that Hinata had cracked her head on a jagged stone as he’d pushed her to safety, her eyes wide with distress before slowly losing consciousness.
And with a sort of hollow, lifeless feeling, Naruto turned to the camouflaged rogue with a stretched grin and bared fangs. Wiping away the trails of blood streaming down his forehead and neck, the last thing he remembered was pouncing at the screaming rogue before Naruto brought hell down into the forest.
It all came back to him in a blur as Naruto’s eyes cracked open to the terribly pale ceiling of the hospital ward.
He groaned, the vibration sending a fresh wave of pain streaking up his chest to his throbbing head that was straining for consciousness. He’d gotten hit by that stupid experimental scroll he’d never seen before, his body had instinctually fought back without the movements really registering in his brain and then…
“Oh my god, Naruto.”
A frazzled bob of pink hair shot into his vision, her brows furrowed tightly as she analysed his dizzy expression with precision. Part of him had the decency to be absolutely petrified by her pissed-off tone. He only need to hear that tone to know he’d probably done something stupid. But another part of him subtly exhaled a breath of relief to finally hear from his precious friend, her comforting presence relaxing the innermost parts of him that he’d longed to escape.
“Hey, Sakura.”
She aggressively flicked his forehead and he yelped. By her narrowing eyes, it was nowhere near enough pain she wanted to inflict on her stupid, self-destructive friend. “You know you didn’t have to get admitted to the hospital with a crushed collarbone, broken ribs, a pierced lung and severe chakra depletion just to see me. Dear lord, if Tsunade and Kakashi-sensei knew that this is what'd happen if they threw you back into action, she probably would’ve used a different method to try and get you back.”
“It’s not like it was on purpose,” he groused, somehow unable to meet Sakura’s eyes. “And I didn’t go anywhere, Sakura.”
She rose an eyebrow, contemplating the defensiveness in his clenched fists. Maybe he didn’t leave, but he wasn’t exactly overwhelming his presence into her life anymore. She better than anyone knew how hurt Naruto could feel once he was alone. Sighing, she ruffled her hair with a hand, silently admitting she probably should have pressed harder to get her best friend to hang out with her more. Who knows what went on in that stone hard head of his, when he staggered past the gates of Konoha with Hinata on his back after recklessly taking on a group of criminal-nin by himself, especially in his unstable state.
At her mindful pause, he asked, “How’s Hinata?”
Sakura reclined stiffly into a chair, battling the need to continue hovering over Naruto’s bandaged body. “She’s fine. In way better shape than you, obviously. She’d hit her head real hard on something but got out of the hospital a couple days ago.”
“I did it to protect her.”
“No, you idiot, you could’ve avoided the bloody rogues altogether if you just focused on your mission. And Hinata told me you were being reckless. There’s no way you were fighting at your best and you knew that but still provoked them anyway.” She flicked his forehead again and he whined, his arm flinching as he automatically tried to raise it. “You haven’t practiced that much one-armed sparring yet, besides with Sasuke. Be more careful, dummy. You’re not allowed to scare me like that.”
A cool hand caressed the strands of blonde hair plastered to his forehead and Naruto hummed. He’d missed her touch, her lecturing voice, he’d missed Sakura and he didn’t realise how badly until he’d met her teal eyes that glimmered with fear and hope. He breathed, “I’m sorry, Sakura.”
“Don’t apologise to me, dummy.”
He let out a small laugh but the raspy gasps turned abruptly into a chesty cough.
“Hey, your midsection probably still hurts like shit so get some rest alright?”
“But I don’t want to.”
Sakura poked his side and he hissed, the feeling identical to a jagged stick stabbing his bruised organs. “Hurry up and get better soon before I knock you out. Or kick you out. Or both. And you’re way too skinny. Come over after you’re discharged, I’ve got a recipe for noodles I wanna try out before I feed it someone important.”
“Ino?”
“Shut up.”
He obeyed.
Sakura left the room with a final half-smile towards her teammate and Naruto wished he could’ve moved his limbs enough to give the pink-haired medic a vigorous, bone-crushing hug.
If Naruto said he didn’t expect Sasuke to visit him at the hospital, he would be outright lying.
But Sasuke didn’t, so Naruto was allowed to pretend.