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The Beard of my Dreams
a Neckbeard tale of Romance
The moment I walked into the comic book store, I could smell it: love was in the air.
The man at the counter smiled at me and said, "Welcome to Comics Etc, miss! If you need any help finding something, please feel free to ask!"
I rolled my eyes at his short haircut, bare face, and clean button-down shirt. He smelled of nothing more exciting than laundry detergent. "Back off, Normie. I'm out of your league," I said, brushing past him without giving a second look.
I made it past the new comics shelf to the trade books section before I was accosted again. "Oh, I'm sorry, am I in your way? I was caught up in this latest Neil Gaiman collection; his writing is really amazing!"
I gave him a quick up-and-down. Checkered trilby up top, hair pulled back into a loose ponytail at the nape of his neck, a waxed moustache curled up at the ends, but no matching beard, and his neck was disgustingly naked. He wore a polo with a tasteful yet obscure comic book logo on the pocket, and as I took a breath, I was hit with a lovely wave of Axe body spray.
Closer. Much better than the previous man, and yet, he still didn't set my heart a-flutter.
"He's nothing now that he broke up with Amanda Palmer," I sniffed, and pushed past him.
As I moved farther into the back of the store, past the shelves of manga, the Dungeons and Dragons paraphernalia, the $10 boxes of random old issues of comics nobody wanted, I could sense I was getting closer. The scent was getting stronger. He was near.
I walked into the last section of the store and froze, shocked at the unimaginable sight of beauty before me.
He was magnificent. His beard curled so cutely, all the way from the edge of his chin down to the collar of his shirt. His massive mane of hair glistened in the flickering lights of the store, the heavenly sheen of natural oils making it look as if it were freshly wet--not that I would ever want him to wash off that intoxicating musk that he exuded from every pore!
I took another deep breath, dizzy on his overpowering scent. He selected a boxed figurine from the shelf, holding it delicately in his fingertips that I now noticed were lightly dyed an attractive shade of orange. He hummed to himself in thought, and picked up another with his other hand, turning them around.
I was at a loss to what he was doing, until it hit me: he was comparing two of the anime figurines, turning them this way and that, trying to see which one would best allow him to see their panties if angled in just the right way. A man of taste with attention to detail--my heart pounded harder, realizing that he was not only physically perfect, but also possessed a keen mind.
I had to have him.
I walked forward, pretending to be lost in the selection of statuettes, and 'accidentally' bumped into the Beard of my Dreams.
"Oh! Excuse me, I'm so clumsy!" I said, and tapped my head with my fist, sticking out my tongue. It was one of my trademark Anime Girl Power Moves no true man could resist.
"It's no trouble..." He put down the statuette box and lifted his hand to the brim of his hat, and my heart froze in my chest.
Say it.
Say the words.
Say the words and I will be yours forever.
"...M'lady," he finished, and I melted into the floor in lust.
"What a gentleman!" I said. "It's so rare to find one these days."
His smug smile made the hairs on his chin wave cheerfully, like stalks of corn in the summer breeze.
I snuck a look at the box he had put down. "Oh, are you a fan of..." I tried my best to pronounce the show's name..." Boku no Kaw-y Imotow too?"
He gave a devastatingly haughty laugh from his throat. My heart sunk; I had failed the test. "It's pronounced ka-wai-i im-o-to-u . I bet you can't even name three of the little sisters from the show or what their signature panty colors are. I bet you're the kind of female who fakes being an anime fan in order to get men's attention."
I gasped, holding my hand to my chest. He had seen right through me immediately! "I'm so sorry, can you ever forgive me? I just...really wanted you to like me."
"That's okay," he said magnanImously, and my heart relaxed. "I could tell from the start. I can sense these sorts of things from peoples' auras, since I'm part wolf."
My draw dropped. On top of everything else, he had the spirit of the sexiest animal in all of furrydom. What were the odds? Could he get any hotter?
I couldn't not touch him. I coyly dragged my index finger down his beautiful T-shirt, as if I were petting all three wolves, one after another. "I guess that explains the shirt."
"Yes," he said, and I could feel him trembling under my touch. "All three of my T-shirts have wolves on them, to match my spirit."
As my finger finished brushing the third and final wolf on the shirt and started circling the moon, a spot of yellow came off on my finger. I brought it to my nose and sniffed. "Honey mustard?"
"Mom made me tendies for dinner last night," he said proudly.
"Wow," I said, admiration clear in my voice. "You must have saved up a lot of Good Boy points for that."
"I did!"
"You know," I said, making intense eye contact with him, even through the rainbow of smudges on his glasses, "a lot of girls go for bad boys, but me?" I took the dab of honey mustard on my finger and touched it to his lower lip. "I like...Nice Guys."
He licked the sauce off his lip and swallowed, and I knew I had him.
"I h-have," he stuttered cutely. "I have enough Good Boy points to have enough tendies for two, if you, if you want."
"That sounds wonderful," I said, and pulled up the calendar on my phone. "Can I put you in for two weeks from now?"
"Why not tonight?" he asked.
I checked the notepad on my cellphone. "Well, you see, last week Brian listened to me when I was crying about how my boyfriend dumped me, so I've got to date him for at least five days before breaking up with him, and Mark helped me move into my apartment, so that's worth at least two dinners and one round of intercourse, and I talked to my friend's cousin for like twenty minutes at a party, so I'm obligated to give him at least one blowjob." I closed the function on my phone and looked back up at my bearded dreamboat. "But after that, I'm all yours."
"I...I guess that's okay? I mean, all females are thots, so I suppose this is just normal," he said, and I was so thrilled that he understood.
"Thank you," I said, giving him a little smile and biting my lower lip. "Trust me when I say: I'm sure you're going to be worth the wait." I leaned in close to his ear and he shivered as I whispered: "I can't wait to find out if that beard goes alllllll the way down."
Thankfully, The End