Chapter 1: The Prick Of A Needle
Chapter Text
The tears are held in, controlled. Trapped in her chest, waiting, patiently, throughout the day. They’re imprisoned, locked, kept in, tucked away. But once she opens the door to her apartment, that’s when it starts to leak and stain her pale cheeks.
It starts slowly, softly, and for a second she tries to hold it back, bite her tongue and take deep, shaky breaths trying her best to conceal and hide.
But no one’s here now, no one’s watching, there’s no one to be strong for. Her hands run down her head and she takes a few more shaky breaths. Her hands tremble, her breath quivers, her eyes blur, her head aches, her eyes hurt, her throat feels like it’s been invaded by a nervousness, a gripping tight cold palm wrapped around in the roots of her throat and she can feel it every time she breathes.
Her eyes dart over the room but it somehow always manages to rest and find its glance laying on the picture of her and Ronnie that’s sitting on the shelf near the couches. Her heart beats faster, her eyes blinking tears, her throat closing in even more, a feeling of despair blossoming from the innards of her hearts that makes its way to her mouth.
‘’Ronnie…’’ The name comes out softly, without urgency.
She found herself walking closer, each step difficult, each tingle of emotion and despair catching up to her as she feels it spread from her toes to her fingertips. Her hands touch the picture and she holds it gently. Without thought, she presses the picture against her chest as if it could heal the ever lasting pain in her heart.
But all there is emptiness. The tears finish dropping, planting wet specks on the floor, and she finally realizes the dull pain in her eyes. She notices the numbness start to crash in when she remembers reality, when the memories come back and plant images into her soft pained mind.
‘’Ronnie!’’ She yells, momentarily stepping back at the suddenness of her voice. A sense of urgency, a call for help, a signal of anguish and suffering.
She places the picture back on the shelf, turning her back, looking around. Her eyes close softly, and for a second, her mind transports her to another place. Still standing, her hand instinctively touches the soft exterior of the couch, as her breaths start to ooze out softly and slowly.
When she closes her eyes she can picture him. His bright eyes lighting up and his mouth forming to shape a smirk, his cheeks blushing as she kisses it, his hand touching hers. She’s next to him as he holds up a baby, who’s cooing at him and raising their little, soft hands trying to touch his face. Caitlin places her lips on the babies forehead before meeting her husbands lips and locking onto them as the joy explodes from her heart and her smile is unstoppable, planting on her face.
When her eyes open, the image in her mind is gone, taken away. For thoughts and imagination are only qualities of evanescence. Happiness, true happiness seems to be fading away, leaping from her, unattainable but forever running on its little legs and it doesn’t seem like she’s fast enough to catch it.
For a second the dullness in her head and the tiredness of her eyes start to fade away, she feels genuinely happy to be alive. For a moment, for a second, for half a second, how long was it? She looks up at the clock and 5 minutes have passed, but every minute felt like an eternity in her life.
That’s when the struggle hits. It’s always when she’s at home. When the thoughts pound her brain and engulf her into their negativity. The thoughts are restless, fleeting, constant, panicking, tiring. The fear of the future is overwhelming, always on her mind, always stressing, pressing onto her chest to the point where she feels like she can barely breathe, and the thoughts that she’d rather not be breathing encompass her mind. For she feels less like a body, but more of skin, blood, and flesh holding onto painful memories that’s about to succumb to the pain and give in.
‘’I’m done.’’ She mutters softly, but it’s not as if anyone can change what’s happened.
Except one person. The person that’s locked inside in the dungeon of her soul, imprisoned, and is spreading within her heart’s sadness, consumed with anger and darkness, just begging to come out. And every second the tears are blinking from her eyes, or her tongue is being bit to hold back the pain is every second the person locked inside is knocking on the door of her sanity.
Killer Frost.
But it is held back, contained. At least for another time. At least for this moment in time. It’s contained, pushed back, swimming in the inner waters of her heart and mind.
It’s the soft pain that hurts the most. The small needle that is barely felt but still carves in deeper and punctures the skin to the point that it bleeds, and by the time her heart bleeds, there’s no blood left in the veins of her emotions. That small needle in her heart was Barry Allen.
When she thought of him a feeling of soft, thin and delicate emotions was felt within her core. There was a longing pang in her chest, and it was like her heart softened to the point where it was melted, dripping, oozing, soft, vulnerable, and she was unable to pick the gooey mess of her soul back to the solid form it once was.
The last time she’s been happy was when Ronnie kissed her on her wedding day. That memory was now slowly blurring and fading over time as much as she tried to keep it alive. Sometimes she’d sneak out during lunch breaks at Star Labs and go outside to the place where they married. She’d stand in the same place, close her eyes, and reenact the scene in her head. For a split moment, everything could’ve been felt, everything felt real and incredibly happy. But opening her eyes only relieved the pain of reality, and Caitlin noticed that she does it too much.
Cisco would usually see her out, where his face would turn into a soft expression of love, where his eyes became softer, and his lips tightened as he would walk over, knowing full well what was happening inside of her. He hugged her, and she felt his warm embrace as she grasped onto Cisco’s shoulders, and as much as she loved him, it was difficult for her to accept his love, because even if it meant everything for her, it sometimes felt like it was never going to be enough to end the suffering that pierced her veins and throbbed in her head.
What happened with Jay especially made life worse for her. For his toxic words still ruminate in her head and haunt her on a daily basis. Even if the feeling has lessened and became better especially with therapy, she still has visions of him being in front of her and grabbing her throat choking her to the point of powerlessness. What was sickening was the attachment she felt looming in her soul to him, despite his toxicness, she was almost addicted to him as a coping method for losing Ronnie and he became a coping method even when she was imprisoned in her prison. A sign of possible Stockholm Syndrome that she had to deal with as well, fighting the feelings of intense fears, the nightmares of Jay’s blue lightning zooming her away and her being powerless to stop him, but also the disgust at herself for still feeling those initial feelings of love she felt for him despite her knowledge of what he truly was. She felt truly manipulated and it’s a feeling of guilt in herself that she lives with.
She never had her father around during her teen years, so she hadn’t ever have a sense of stability from home, a sense of protection and love that was warmly given on a steady basis from either parent and being in school around strangers in a strange, cruel world made her feel trapped and afraid. Now her fear extended to what was inside her.
The overcoming fear of her future as Killer Frost hangs over her head on a daily basis, the realization that every day she is a step closer to her inevitable future as a monster, and her inevitable collapse, and each day the darkness within her jolted a bit more, and each day she felt like she was living her last day. Every occasional smile, every hug from Cisco, every shot of whiskey, every moment H.R made a funny joke, every moment she’d see Barry…It could be her last.
And that’s where things got complicated for her, where things got complicated and confusing, for her feelings for Barry were always there. Subtle, quiet, shy, but burning within with a passion that set the forest in her heart on fire and the abstract smoke from her heart was so strong that it makes her eyes runny just by thinking of him.
Caitlin didn’t know whether her feelings for Barry were real or just a result of the trauma, to the point where she projected idealized feelings of attachment and protection towards Barry. Perhaps she wanted him to protect her, to hold her in the middle of the night when she woke up from nightmares of losing Ronnie and Jay kidnapping her, maybe she wanted him to place his moist warm lips onto her forehead and promise to keep her safe all the time. Maybe she wanted him to hold her hand and help her fight the battle within, the battle between the demons in her brain and her heart.
But it seemed that reality comes to settle in and crush all her hope. It was a difficult emotion, the feelings of utter selfishness, that she wanted to be the woman who was about to be killed by the hands of Savitar. Yet even if both their fates were intertwined, one with death and one with death inside that causes a surrendering to evil, Iris and Caitlin never were close and never could be close. There always a weird intersection between them, where the conversations would always stale and things would feel awkward, so Caitlin avoids Iris whenever she sees her sitting alone drinking coffee.
But maybe it’s Caitlin’s love for Barry that caused her to avoid Iris. The guilt of the whole situation, the suppressed feelings of infatuation for Barry, and the knowledge that she was in love with someone who was in love with Iris since the early age of 11.
Nothing was going to compare to Iris for Barry, and Caitlin knew that. That’s why whenever she saw them together, she was very supportive to both of them, trying to be as pure and of the light as she can be. But just because she was mature and compassionate in dealing with her hidden feelings, the underlying feelings of jealousy would always cut loose when she was alone and the thoughts that were suppressed would pounce on her in the middle of the night or when she was taking a shower.
She was jealous and that was part of the anger that drove Killer Frost and made her stronger within her. Even if Killer Frost was suppressed it was only getting stronger inside her, secretly, concealed, deeply hidden within, the secret getting stronger with every passing day. She wanted Barry to look at her the way he looked at Iris with deep passion, eyes that smoldered and looked into Iris’ eyes and went straight to her heart, trapping his pupils in the admiration of her smile. His cheeks would redden like an apple and spread across, like a painting that’s being softly painted to project the beauty of its beholder. Those red paintings on his cheek were never seen when he looked at her, and the smile that plasters over his face with no effort when he looked at Iris was never the same when he looked at her.
And yet, despite that, every small moment and memory spent with Barry, possibly with deluded and idealized emotions, felt just as powerful as Ronnie felt to her, and never to the toxic addictiveness that she felt towards Jay. For however small it be, just by looking at his pale skin and his brown hair and his goofy, quirky smile spreading on his face made her giddy inside her and it was hard to suppress her laughs that she felt whenever she saw him. A tiny moment where he’d crack a joke at her or a tiny moment where he would ask her if she was doing alright were moments that made her life feel worthwhile, where she felt a connection, a sense of stability, a sense of peace, and there was deep power in that peace.
She still remembers it well. Being surrounded by her anger, and her darker emotions that consumed her to the point where she smiled at the brokenness of her pain and almost found an identity in the dark depressiveness that she held within. Her anger and her sensitive hurt emotions would cascade in an avalanche that completely covered the innocence of her humble and soft nature, this avalanche was of vengeance, a need, a desire, an utmost priority to spread the pain that was given her.
That was when Killer Frost had first really taken control of her, where she was numbed and consumed by the anger within her that was always usually kept in, tucked in, hidden, concealed and not allowed to be deeply felt. Suppression only made the anger worse, and it only made things more difficult even if suppression felt like the most logical to do.
When she was consumed by that, it was Barry who saved her. Feeling his warm hand grab her cold, icy hand and place the icicle next to his heart. For that’s when she felt all the love inside her start to come about and take over her.
She loved him. Even if it was an idealized, deluded love brought from her feelings of trauma and need for attachment, protection. She still loved him. And when the sounds of cracking came from the icicle breaking onto the floor, she couldn’t stop but hug him, grab his shoulders, feel his warm breaths on her skin as he’d stroke her back.
‘’You’re gonna be okay, Cait.’’ Barry said gently, and every time he called her Cait, her heart would start to ooze again but it was bittersweet. For with love comes joy but with love comes pain, so the pain caught put to her as if they were racing. Her love for him was only met by the bitter soft needle that was Barry Allen.
She could only hold onto the small moments they had together while Iris, on the other hand, got to have every second of him, kissing him, touching him, feeling him within her. Caitlin couldn’t help but feel that if her soul photographed every second with Barry and captured it into the memory book of her heart, perhaps then if she was in Iris’ place she would appreciate Barry even more, every kiss would be appreciated, every word of love would be felt and would be beautiful.
She liked to imagine his hand caressing her back with his soft electric finger tips that would pierce from her back with excitement and rush to her heart. His lips would move softly onto her body as the built up tension would be released from all the soft, sensitive parts of her skin. To feel him within her, connecting within her, piercing in her veins and existing inside her heart and her mind.
The jealousy that Iris had this but she didn’t was starting to consume her, and the desperate feelings of trying to be respectful and polite was coursing within her, but the anger was also surging when she was alone and it was difficult to suppress them. The thoughts of Barry grabbing Iris and placing his hand on her waists as he kissed her bothered Caitlin because she could almost hear the smack of his lips within Iris and Iris releasing a breath of pleasure and those imagined sounds would make Caitlin tremble, her hands would shake and her breath would be unsteady, rapid, fast, scared, anxious.
She glanced at the mirror, and her pupils, usually brown as hot chocolate were now white, icy cold, the reflection of water frozen over time and reflecting the sun’s light. Killer Frost was resurfacing within her brain, and it felt like there was no way out.
Thinking of Ronnie’s death, thinking of Jay’s abuse, thinking of Barry and Iris made Caitlin feel like it was time to let in the darkness, to not keep it shut out, to let it come within to destroy her, because she was already destroyed within her love for Barry and destroyed from the pressing, haunting memories of her past. The anger is surfacing, like water that’s slowly reaching higher pressures, boiling inside her, and shaking every bone and vein in her body. It’s rattling in the depths of her heart.
‘’Please, Barry, just love me…I’ll give anything for you to love me.’’ Caitlin muttered in her breath, softly, with pained words that escape her mouth, all the while consuming her. ‘’I just want to be okay. I just want to be happy.’’
Her eyes remained pale white, with the glazed ice in her pupils remaining still and seeming to not be evanascent, but instead constant and steady. It was consuming her, and it seemed like the way out would need to be decided soon.
Caitlin clenched her eyes together as if closing them would get rid of the pain, but the reality was that with the darkness the shades of her eyelids provided her only gave worse pain, worse darkness. For when her eyes are closed, that’s where pain remains.
That’s when the cupboard that she knows so well is opened, with the small blade lying on the top of the couple of backup birthday cards she’s placed there. Her hands shake a bit when she touches the black handle of the small knife, and places it in front of her, with feelings of sadness and uncertainty coming over her.
It was selfish that was for sure. Cisco would probably burst into tears if he knew, and Barry would definitely disapprove, but the pain would overwhelm Caitlin, and it was her only way of releasing all the feelings that she kept pent up. For the blade gave her control in her life that was uncontrollable. She couldn’t control that Ronnie die and was sacrificed, she couldn’t control that they didn’t have the memories they planned to have. She couldn’t control that Jay manipulated her and turned her into a monster giving her constant paranoia and fear that she had to deal with every day. She couldn’t control that the darkness and anger would come over her and she’d turn into the person that she feared, the angry vengeful woman with pale white hair flowing and a warm gentle heart turned course and cold.
She couldn’t control who Barry loved and she couldn’t control the obvious fact that Barry and Iris were…Were always meant to be. Iris deserved Barry, it was only Caitlin’s longing for Barry that made her angry at Iris, and she wasn’t angry at Iris for being Iris, her own feelings of self hatred and pain clouded her feelings over Iris. And she would always be sweet and polite towards Iris and she felt a need to punish herself. To punish herself for being a monster inside, for being Killer Frost, to punish herself for strongly being in love with Barry whose love was for a woman whom she had nothing but anger towards. Iris didn’t deserve her anger and that’s why Caitlin desperately craved punishment, to also punish her feelings of jealousy.
Despite being a doctor, she found her understanding of the body even more acute and perceptive when she pressed the blade against her arm. And she was soft when she pressed it against her skin, she wasn’t much for instant pain, she liked the subtle, burning feel that came over with time. Her icy eyes looked on as her skin would slowly swell and each mark of the cut would become darker with each press of the knife. The stinging, burning rush was nothing to the feelings of hell that she felt pierce within her. 30 minutes go by of consistent presses of the knife against swelling, pale skin, turning the mark darker, and for sure leaving a scar.
Her eyes still white and icey, the internal struggle settling in, but the heat from the wound and the euphoria of the after effects made her calm and relaxed. She felt steady again. The red wound on her arm wasn’t bleeding but it was quite obviously cut, but the lines slowly were visibly having been the words, all in capital letters: HELP ME.
The healing powers of her meta human counterpart helped in healing the wound quickly so her smooth pale skin was normal and she didn’t have to deal with the constant need to wear sleeves to cover her arms, which would probably get someone suspicious had they paid enough attention.
But despite Killer Frost being in control long enough to heal her wounds, the relief and steadiness from the pain allowed Caitlin to feel that the suppressed emotions were now controlled and dealt with, it allowed Caitlin to feel that she’s expressed her pent up deeper emotional pain, and that feeling of emotional expression from the knife gives her enough mental stability that her eyes flicker back to brown, in control, stable, very different from the controlling coldness of her icy glossed eyes.
She feels relaxed now, slightly numb, but a sense of peace and fake perceived joy come within her. What a toxic, horrible, unhealthy cycle that led to the deluded feelings of being okay, but it’s the emotional pain that led her to this state. The mind agonizing pain of loneliness and suppressed emotions that led her to the cruelty that she put herself through in a desperate need for control, an addiction that came as her problem solver.
As a doctor, she knew about the mental affects of her unhealthy and depressive behavior. But no matter how much she knew she was destroying herself day by day, inside and physically, it was not enough to stop her from letting herself drown in the sea and ocean of pain as the waves would wash up her dead soul on the shore.
‘’I just want the pain to stop…’’ She muttered softly, as she walked over to her bed, collapsing onto the sheets and sliding into the warmth of her pillow.
Her body sprawled as she lets her eyes slowly close and try to think of nothing. Just nothing. Or at the very least have thoughts of relaxation, the thoughts of a tv show running in her head, playing out episodes of Friends and imagining the canned laughter or a book that she read on doing surgery/medicine combinations, anything to paint over the thoughts of her impending and crushing emotions.
She felt her body slowly numb as she drifted to sleep, but there were words escaping her half awake mind and her pained soul. ‘’I just want the pain to stop…’’
Chapter Text
Deadening emptiness would wash over when she looked into the mirror touching her face, feeling the smooth pale skin against her fingertips, analyzing her luscious brown hair, before squirming at the reflection, her fingertips eventually pressing and locking onto her cheek in irritation, pinching it.
‘’Why aren’t you Iris?’’ She would ask the mirror, imagining Iris’s beautiful brown skin and black hair, comparing it to the opposite color scheme of hers and intrusive thoughts of Barry’s lips pressed against Iris’s skin trapped Caitlin in an endless cycle of jealousy.
Deep breaths, deep breaths seemed to help. A clearing of the mind, focus on your chest going up and down, feel the warmth of the air, look at how the light shines on the room or how sweet the air feels when it meets the lungs and dances with it to form a living being. Focus on the clarity of your mind. Focus on how happy he is and how you would sacrifice everything for that cute, dorky smile that would spread on his face and penetrate into your heart’s every drumming beat.
And she respected Iris, whose voice oozed with dripping confidence, whose eyes would positively radiate from the pupils, whose strength was seen in her posture, her chest sticking out, her arms by her side. A woman destined to die, who lived every moment of her life a fearless bravery, hiding the fears of a mortal being, whose strength was minuscule compared to the strength of the fastest man alive, and yet whose strength lay in her love for Barry. Barry wasn’t a hero without Iris, and Caitlin knew that.
Maybe that’s why she felt she was better off gone far away, because it felt like the monster inside her was growing and if that monster ever came out and took over the wheels of the crashing car she was driving, not only would that car crash but also hurt innocent lives stepping on the road. For if Killer Frost took control, her jealousy would be the first to come over and she would directly target the team.
Iris was allowed to die a hero, but Caitlin would die succumbing to evil and letting angry and intense emotions drive her to the point of her demise, a crushing insanity falling and choking the life of what was, once, a pure and kind hearted soul before damaged by her attachments of love, whether Ronnie, Jay or now Barry.
‘’No, I matter.’’ Caitlin said, locking eyes with herself in the reflection, gazing at the doe like brown eyes looking back from her within the glass. ‘’No…I matter. Do I matter?’’
The confidence of her words started to ooze with fear and uncertainty as the negativity in her mind would capture her and for a quick second grapple with her in a fist fight, as if she was weighed down by boulders of intrusive and unwanted thoughts.
‘’Killer Frost…Matters.’’ Caitlin said, her eyes widening with shock as the words flow out with a crisp naturalness that oozes from a subconscious position of mind aching thoughts used like a weapon. ‘’I don’t matter, but Killer Frost does.’’
She shrugged lightly, before looking at the reflection again and shaking her head more aggressively the second time, her breaths becoming more rapid and her pants becoming more heavier as she looked around the bathroom that she was in. The world spun for a second, as a light dullness hit her in the head, making her feel as if she was present in a nightmare and couldn’t wake up, a confused buzzing hit her head as she looked around, her breaths quickening at the second, for a brief second the white icing eyes frosted over the beautiful chocolate brown, and Caitlin gasped.
‘’No…I do matter. I’m a doctor, and Cisco’s best friend.’’ She said quickly to herself, as if the words uttering from her mouth could control the mind’s seizing control.
It worked, for the eyes quickly returned to normal and the panting breaths were like an orchestra, slowing down as her normal and healthier mental state came to frame, allowing her to process her emotions within instead of a cascade of fear and anxiety.
‘’I’m not going to live long will I…?’’ Caitlin asked herself looking in the mirror, feeling a sense of calmness rushing over her, a melancholic acceptance to her fate in life. ‘’I’m going to go, soon. Appreciate every second…Appreciate every second.’’
For her and Iris’ life were bonded through the simple action of fate, both would be gone and erased from life, one removed with a legacy, the other removed with destruction. But even stronger, both were bonded to Barry, both whose love radiated when they saw his awkward giggles or heard his soft spoken voice. Despite barely talking, they were more connected than they thought.
When she stepped back outside of the bathroom, she remembered where she was. An interactive building whose dark blue shadow and hue cast across the room, people were dancing in one section and others were taking orders for meals at the place across, in one section people were playing games and she could see H.R fumbling around with glee as it was his turn to do whatever the people in the group were playing. H.R was hilarious, and she found herself rolling her eyes, not only because of his childlike demeanor but because of how much he was a light for the team. When everything seemed to get angsty and dark, he could say a dumb joke and remind everyone that the fight was worth fighting. No one would say that to him, but eventually, one day, hopefully they would.
Cisco’s face painted an expression of ‘what the heck’ as his eyebrows furrowed as he looked at H.R antics from across the room as he took a sip of his lemonade and touch the burrito on his plate lightly. ‘’Well…It seems like H.R’s having a good time. I can’t tell if he wanted to bring us along to showcase his social skills or for us to actually be involved doing something.’’
Caitlin turned her head slightly to gaze at H.R and a quick smile flashed onto her face. ‘’I think H.R was right to bring us here, we need a bit of time to just unwind and try to…I don’t know…Try to forget.’’
‘’Stop saying that like everything’s going to go wrong.’’
‘’Maybe it is, Cisco.’’
‘’Caitlin, no! Don’t think like that, you’ve got to be positive! The team’s not going to let anyone fall to Savitar’s prophecy, we’ve stopped time before.’’
‘’And sometimes bad things still happen, Cisco. It’s best for us to try, but we also have to be prepared.’’
Cisco shook his head and Caitlin was saddened by the optimism in his eyes that lit up when he mentioned saving everyone. Cisco always had this, at least when it came to her life, where he knew everything would be fine for her. But sometimes she felt it was delusion, that Cisco’s positivity was bitter and unrealistic. It was easier for her to accept her fate, but for Cisco, it was easier to do the reverse.
‘’I’ve got to get something off my chest, Caitlin.’’ Cisco said, sighing, his eyes places on the ground below. ‘’I just feel that the stress and the tension…It’s kind of damaging our relationships.’’
‘’I mean…Of course we’re all tense, Cisco. You can’t ask us to not be.’’
‘’And I get that. But…I don’t know. Barry and I…Obviously we’ve had a lot of issues in our relationship, I didn’t think I could ever forgive him for what happened to Dante and I still have trouble forgiving him.’’ Cisco said, his eyes not directly placing itself on Caitlin’s.
Whenever Barry’s name was brought up a piece of her heart would rise and a sense of protectiveness would wash over her chest.
‘’Cisco, you have to fully forgive Barry. He could lose Iris now the same way you lost your brother and it was an effect from his mistake as well. He’s already suffering for changing the timeline.’’ Caitlin said gently and placidly.
‘’Yeah and I get that. I totally do. I just…There’s a feeling of broken trust whenever the team’s meeting, and a lot of…Secrets.’’ Cisco said, and when his lips muttered the last word, he took a sip of his lemonade before his soft eyes would bounce up and lock Caitlin’s face in view for further emphasis.
Her heart felt like it skipped a beat and paused for a second, almost out of a calculated uncertainty with her thoughts racing to figure out how to answer this statement without confirming his accusations. He was referring to her secrets…Or was he? A bit of anxiety started caressing her soul.
‘’Cisco…I wasn’t quite happy that you told the team about me having powers so soon…But I see that was for the better.’’ Caitlin said, her eyes purposefully widening with fake innocence and her head, unconsciously, tilting slightly to the left.
Cisco shook his head looking at her directly in the eye. ‘’It’s not that, Caitlin. I’m just…I’m just worried about you. You were always there for me when Dante died, you stayed over at my place, watched films with me, made popcorn, helped clean, do the dishes…Now that you’re having problems you don’t allow me to do the same thing. It’s like…I know you need space. But you needing space also scares me because it makes me feel powerless in being able to help and I don’t…I don’t trust you to take care of yourself.’’
The truth in Cisco’s eyes echoed within her and the guilt started to rise. For he wasn’t wrong, she was unable to receive help, unable to let her emotions bubble to her mouth and speak to the ones close to her. She had suppressed her feelings for Barry for the greater good, she had failed to tell the team about her mental health struggles during her alone time, and she knew the team was there for her, but it was difficult to ever be able to speak for her own needs. Her mother had ingrained in her since early childhood that her problems didn’t matter in terms of the ‘bigger picture’, that someone was always having it worse than her. Thus…Maybe she never felt her emotions were ever something to properly deal with. She was good at being a doctor for others, but being a doctor for herself was challenging because when it came to the self vs others, taking care of others felt like it had more at stake.
‘’I know…I know that I have a hard time talking about my issues.’’ Caitlin said softly.
‘’It shouldn’t be like that. You shouldn’t have to feel the need to suppress it. I wish Barry would ask more how you were…We’re a team but he doesn’t seem to pay attention as much to us.’’ Cisco muttered.
‘’Cisco! Barry’s going through a lot, the love of his life is about to die.’’ Caitlin said, her eyes widening in defense, and a soft pain emerged from her throat as she said the final lines, her heart felt a small ache and her finger dug into her palm.
‘’But he never talks to us the same anymore. He can talk about his pain with us, we’re suffering too, none of us want Iris to die. Just because Iris is about to die doesn’t mean he shouldn’t do something as small as at least ask you how you are on occasion.’’ Cisco replied.
He did. Barry did ask her how she was. On occasion for sure, maybe it wasn’t as frequent but Caitlin knew Barry cared. Maybe the stress was overloading him so he didn’t pay much attention to her as he could’ve, but she wasn’t his girlfriend. She wasn’t.
‘’I’m not his girlfriend, Cisco.’’ Caitlin said harshly.
‘’But you wish you were.’’ Cisco replied abruptly, suddenly, and with utmost certainty. His eyes never backed from hers as Caitlin’s immediately darted towards the floor.
‘’No I don’t, Cisco. Stop making excuses for drama. You know that was a low blow.’’
‘’It’s a low blow because you’re so tense over it when I mention it and you don’t want to acknowledge it.’’ Cisco said, his stern eyes softening at seeing his best friends hands slightly quiver and her brows furrow as her eyes looked at the floor with piercing sadness, eyes that were tense but now beginning to reveal the pain that the heart was reaping.
‘’Caitlin, I’m not going to force you to talk about it, but I just think it’s best to communicate our problems and you can tell me.’’ Cisco began to say his head tilting side to side in anxiousness as his words came out in a softer tone.
‘’Tell you what, Cisco?’’ Caitlin said and it was like a small amount of hot fiery lava was coming out of her mouth, like lava that was held within the mountain wanting to come out, yet choosing never to do so until now, a small amount had to come up, for it was bubbling harshly within. ‘’What am I supposed to tell you?’’
‘’How you feel.’’ Cisco said, his eyes saddened, his voice lowered with softness.
‘’How am I supposed to feel? And what do I tell you?’’ Caitlin asked him, her melancholic eyes opening and her head slightly shaking in disbelief. ‘’How am I supposed to tell you that…Every time he walks in the room, I just always finding myself looking at him. How am I supposed to tell you that when he’s not in the room, I accidentally look at the clock, and count the seconds gone by. How am I supposed to tell you about how the smiles on his face seem like it’s takes up an eternity of my life, or that I notice every spot and crevice in his skin or that when he needs medical attention, I feel so guilty, because every time I touch his arm or place my hand on him I feel a spark electrocute over my skin directly into my heart and I feel addicted, constantly wanting this moments to be permanent. I feel whole around him, like all the horrible moments of my past are just wiped away like water washing over me, and I actually feel okay? I actually feel happy? How am I supposed to tell you that I’m in love with the person who loves the woman who’s about to die, and somehow, every time he looks at her, it reminds me of how worthless I am to him?’’
Cisco took a deep breath, his mouth twitched, and his eyes focused down onto the ground thinking and mulling over what he was going to say. ‘’I don’t know, Caitlin. I don’t know what to tell you except that this isn’t a position you should be in or something that you should feel. You deserve a lot of love.’’
‘’I don’t know, Cisco, not with Killer Frost looming.’’ Caitlin replied.
‘’You can’t seriously think that, Caitlin. Killer Frost isn’t you, you’re not a monster, not at all. You’re being way too hard on yourself and that isn’t healthy behavior. I’m concerned about it.’’
Caitlin didn’t say anything, she gave a quick shrug and her eyes were still locked and fixated on the floor.
‘’All I know’’ Cisco said. ‘’All I know is that you’re strong. One of the strongest people I’ve known, and you haven’t gotten what you deserved. The love you deserved. You’ve been hurt time and time again, and this is one of the worst things that can happen. Fighting Killer Frost and now your feelings for Barry…All I know is that…Right now, I need you to just hang in there for me, okay?’’
That made her feel a bit better.
‘’Just hold on’’ Cisco said, his eyes giving her the brotherly compassion that she always loved, he was her best friend. ‘’You’re a sister to me…’’
‘’And you a brother…’’ Caitlin said gently, her eyes finally able to look up at him and the warmth that had been missing in her pupils finally rose and the sweetness that she always exuded exuded again and almost radiated the room.
There was a silence, but there was peace within that silence. A calm feeling of relief that started to wash over, a feeling of sibling love and understand piercing between the two. A realization of family and a realization of their loving dynamic that made both of them feel supported. A looming guilt came over Caitlin, it was subtle but still there, for she knew that she couldn’t tell Cisco that things might’ve felt worse than he initially knew and that his optimism of the future wasn’t something she shared. But she held it in.
‘’Okaaay, sooo…’’ H.R said, bursting into the scene had successfully dissolved the silence between them and the inner tension that was rising within. ‘’I need to tell ya something. Those people are absolutely fantastic playing games. Like, hear me out, we were playing charades and they guessed every one of mine when it was my turn.’’
‘’Yeah, well you’re fairly expressive to say the least.’’ Cisco said, and Caitlin found the ‘wtf’ look coming over his face quickly, his eyes uncertain and funnily uncomfortable. It was the look he gave H.R all the time, not only did H.R wear the face of two mentors prior but he was the opposite of both of them.
H.R gleefully took the seat next to him and his smile was huge on his face, ever expanding, radiating with impulsive joy bubbling like a volcano within him, his energy was infectious, spreading over them extremely quickly as they couldn’t help crack a faint, small smile even if they suppressed it, and boy did they try.
‘’I’m going to get myself a refill.’’ Cisco said, he gave them both a quick smile and took the lemonade and hopped out of his seat.
For once, H.R’s smile dwindled down and his eyes painted an expression of concern. A subtle concern but it was there, as if he was controlling the amount that his eyes allowed him to express. His fingers tapped gently.
‘’I know it’s none of my business…’’ H.R said gently.
‘’You heard didn’t you H.R?’’ Caitlin asked.
‘’No, no, I just…I was walking by, and pfft, you were loud.’’ H.R said, his eyes pointed upwards and his face squirmed with fake innocence as his hands made gentle gestures.
Caitlin raised her eyebrows and rolled her eyes playfully. ‘’I assume you have advice…?’’
For some reason, H.R’s naivety and innocence made him easier to talk to. As if his ears could listen to her mouth ooze the words from her heart and perhaps…Maybe he had advice?
‘’Ishq!’’ H.R said, his hands went up and they stayed in the air, before he made the gesture of them slowly falling to the table.
‘’Ishq?’’ Caitlin asked, her eyebrows furrowed as her pupils gazed at him in confusion.
‘’Indian culture. Specifically Hindi, I did a bit of studying of their mythology, terminology…It’s how I knew that Savitar was derived from an Indian god.’’ H.R said, a gleaming interest perking within his eyes. ‘’Ishq is a Hindi word that describes a form of love that describes infatuation, a willingness to do anything for the one you love even if it isn’t reciprocated.’’
Caitlin squirmed slightly, her eyes drifting onto the floor.
‘’But it can also lead to…The destruction of the self.’’ H.R said, his eyes becoming more solemn and serious.
He was partially referencing to Killer Frost, who was fueled by all the negative emotions, who lived on it, who fed on it, who breathed it in and gained energy, lustily and hungrily wanting more within Caitlin’s mind causing her thoughts to spiral out of control. Barry was Caitlin’s needle, and that tiny needle, if pierced in deeply enough, could hit a vessel and cause the bleeding to be unstoppable. All Caitlin could do was nod to H.R, and he gave her a reassuring smile and granted it did make her feel better.
‘’The thing is you don’t need to shut it out, you don’t need to reject it, you just need to breathe and keep breathing. Thing is, there’s no on and off button, there’s no this then that and everything works out, just feel it out…Let yourself feel, Caitlin. Destiny has its ways but the thing is we don’t know which way it’s going. I can’t tell you how your life will go since, alas, that’s knowledge for fate alone.’’
H.R flicked his finger upwards and his eyes gazed at the ceiling as if fate was his personal accomplice hiding in the ceiling and he was secretly seeking approval. Caitlin’s face lit up slightly and a soft smile came onto her face, for everything he said helped. Frankly, she didn’t want to think too hard anymore or analyze her emotions too deeply. She wanted to do what H.R said, and that simple thing was breathing. She wanted to breathe, she wanted to feel that for once her breath wasn’t soft, timid, shaking, full of pain exploding in her face, she wanted to breath, just for now, just for a second, with a peaceful serenity coming over her throat. Music started to play in the background, it was upbeat, and it felt…Good. The sounds of the drum echoed within her ear, the lyrics started to seep and sink into her, the rhythm started to be felt within her heartbeat, a natural smile came onto her face. Her mind slightly relaxing, her pulse beating with serenity, the groove started to cause a feeling within her. People started to flock towards a stage like area in the front, people slowly started to click their bodies, flicking a few movies, giving a soft smile and starting to twirl around with others.
‘’Let’s dance…All three of us.’’ Caitlin said, the smile remaining on her face.
H.R’s eyes perked up in excitement which was stained by an uncertainty since the woman the words came out of was usually relatively methodical and systematic.
‘’Why nooot?’’ H.R said. ‘’I’ll follow your lead!’’
When she got up from her chair and started to click her fingers, her laugh started to bloom within her and it was something she hadn’t felt all that often. H.R started clapping his hands together, his smile also blossoming and his concealed enthusiasm fully bubbling and exploding from within.
Cisco walked by, taking a sip from his drink, before his eyebrows raised at seeing Caitlin starting to shake her shoulders. He shrugged and a smile planted onto his face as well, he started to shake his shoulders as he placed the drink off the counter.
People from around the room all started to dance too, there was this…Bliss in the air as the music played. Caitlin danced softly, a dance that had touches and faintness of shyness, while Cisco was beginning to flick his hair again and beat his head to the rhythm. H.R successfully made everyone cringe yet laugh as he did a poorly done Moonwalk before successfully doing the floss in front of everyone, a smile gleaming over his face.
It was like the pain stood still, for a second, a brief second, it was evanescent and fading away. She was becoming numb to the feelings of bliss and the feelings of soft euphoria that was rising within her chest, it was an emotion of relaxation, of peace. Fleeting moments where Barry Allen didn’t rule and live within her mind, fleeting moments of, for once, taking a breath, making a dance move and actually being glad to be alive, to realize the small qualities that were tucked away within life’s everyday moments.
It felt rather incredible, for brief minutes. The room igniting in a flow of dancing, her hair gently moving, Cisco and H.R going rather crazy for a few seconds in and a few seconds out. The lyrics of the pop song sunk into everyone, as if they could just be there, existing, sharing this small wonderful moment, everyone was engaged, everyone was active, and in a sense, no one knew each other but in this brief moment everyone felt like they were all…Human. There was no looming fear of a meta human or a distrust of a fellow being, there was no pride or anger, there was no discrimination, they were all…Dancing, and they were all breathing.
H.R started shaking his hips and a glimmering smile was plastered all over his face, his eyes basically smiled on their own. ‘’Yeehaw!’’
Cisco did a smooth dance move waving his arm. ‘’Enjoying the dance, Caitlin? Surprised to see you like this.’’
‘’H.R teaches people to live in the moment I guess.’’ She replied softly.
H.R gave them both a wink and the three of them were now doing an unprepared and completely random little group dance, both of them in front of the other and it was fun, very fun. It was fun to see both of them smile and laugh, from H.R’s bouncing and glimmering spark of laughter extending to the edges of his ears, and Cisco’s childlike smile that wasn’t as wide as H.R’s but still felt powerful, fulfilling, lovable and adorable. H.R busted the robot dance and Cisco, with faked annoyance, did it alongside him.
The music caught up to her ears, all she could feel was each beat of the song, by now a country song started playing and she could hear every texture and sound of the song with accuracy, every piercing rhythm of euphoria from the song radiated within her. Now a smile was bursting onto her face, equaling the euphoria the song gave and her eyes briefly ignited with excitement. She felt okay. She felt happy.
But it was like in the corner of her eyes, she imagined something. Her brain allowed her to feel okay…For a few seconds, but before she could even feel it for more than 15 minutes, it started to creep, slowly into her mind, and she didn’t mean to let her mind wander, nor did she want to, but sadly it did.
In her imagination she could see Barry watching her dance, he was wearing a beige colored jacket and his hands were in his pocket. His brown eyes sparkled with adorable love and a cute, soft smile painted onto his face.
It was like he was watching her be happy, and that happiness for her made her heart pound with intensity since it felt like maybe he…Cared. Slowly, in her mind, Barry crept towards her past everyone else on the stage and planted himself next to her.
He’d reach out his hand, and she’d touch it. A spark of electricity would flow within her, and she’d caress it gently before gripping it tighter, hoping to never let it go. He’d bring her closer to his chest and placed her ear on his heart, and every second of his beating heart would make her eyes widen and hold on tighter, as if he’d soon disappear.
He’d slowly rock her back and forth, giving a laugh of his own, as he’d twirl her around, and make her feel…Embarrassingly like…Like a princess, like a queen. Like someone he loved. Like someone he needed. Like she was precious to him.
And Barry would softly kiss her forehead and smile at H.R and Cisco with H.R making a heart with his hands and Cisco rolling his eyes in fake amusement but a smile couldn’t help but be plastered again.
Then…He faded, he disappeared. She was all alone, dancing to the song of the room, and she paused for a second. Her mind’s work could no longer sustain the vision of his presence.
Ishq.
Notes:
Hope you guys enjoyed!
Have a great holiday!
Chapter 3: What Was Love?
Notes:
Apologies for the slight hiatus, but I've been writing off and on. I really enjoyed writing this chapter and this fic in general is super enjoyable to write. Hope you can gain emotional insight and satisfaction from this chapter! Hope you enjoy.
Chapter Text
What was love?
Caitlin would frequently write that in her journal at random moments as she tried to piece together the answer. It was a difficult one to answer, one where the answer never seemed clear and one where the answer seemed to vary.
It was confusing her and she felt lost. She tried to distract herself. The question would be ruminating within her head quite frequently and she wasn’t sure what to do about it. She knew that it wasn’t an answer to be explained to but an answer to be discovered.
So she tried to take her mind from the negatives of her life and hang out with Wally, Jesse and Julian. But hanging out with Julian only made her realize the more she was in love with Barry. She remembered one time, they went with Wally and Jesse all as friends to go have a drink at the bar. She enjoyed watching Wally and Jesse awkwardly be romantic with each other, figuring each other out and climbing the ropes and stairways of love. She liked the way Julian would be visibly confused by the adorable nature of Wally and Jesse’s connection, and she found that the group would have interesting discussions about fascinating concepts.
How she knew that she and Julian weren’t meant to be anything more than two friends taking about saving the day or random irrelevant topics. Caitlin knew Julian sort of liked her, but she also knew she had to end whatever interest he had in her before she disappointed him. She didn’t really like him that way, but she did enjoy his company. She enjoyed the way he’d allow his guard down around her, she’d enjoy the way he’d give an awkward smile and laugh or the way his eyes frantically widened and panicked when he said something unintentionally rude.
So the two decided to be mutual friends and Julian agreed that he himself didn’t really think he wanted to try something either but he admitted his desire to be a friend whom she could lean on.
Caitlin enjoyed hearing that but the words she always needed to say was…Difficult to communicate to say the least. There wasn’t any solution to her problems except, well, to heal from them, and with Killer Frost raging in the back of her mind at times, she started to notice that she was more relaxed these days.
She frequently made sure her power dampening cuffs were powered and fully charged, that allowed her to mentally be somewhat stable. She found that her body was tired from the stress she had put it through, so she was reaching a time where things were kind of…Just nothing. She knew deep down she was depressed, but she couldn’t handle it anymore so her mind would just hide a cloaked veil on it and hope to deal with it later.
It felt like she was seeing love everywhere, and it bothered her. Jesse had come to Earth 1 for fun to see Wally, and the two’s chemistry was so energetic and infectious that it had the whole team radiating with energy. H.R would sing love songs when they entered, to the couple’s embarrassment and Cisco’s amusement while Barry and Iris would roll their eyes and subtly touch their fingertips together before Barry would wrap his hand tighter around hers.
Even for Cisco, his mind was usually preoccupied these days and it seemed the thought of Gypsy would get him in a better mood. She knew Cisco would occasionally write fake letters and hide them in his drawer.
Even annoying but lovable H.R would hold group sessions within Central City’s town halls weekly where he’d celebrate the concept of romance and idealize it. His social gatherings were apparently quite the spot for people already in love and in a relationship. Caitlin found herself tuning herself out when he mentioned it.
She wasn’t like them. She wasn’t a young adult like Wally and Jesse with naivety and searching for fun, granted she never was but truth be told she could never be any-ways, but she also wasn’t Barry and Cisco, whose eyes would light up with positivity when they thought of love and she wasn’t H.R, whose belief in love was stronger than hers.
She was different. She was a young woman who fought the demons in her head everyday, who thought of death at least every now and then, a widowed broken lover whose loss overshadowed her gain and remain stuck to her like tar, whose belief in love was faltering every time she saw Barry.
Maybe she wished she could scream at every couple to appreciate every second they had because you never know when you’ll lose something, or maybe she wanted to scream everything she felt at Barry and disappear.
But no, Caitlin was dignified. She was mature, she was always a source of stability. She’d make her bed every morning in a specific way, she’d clean the house and mop the floors distracting herself, she’d know every efficient way to clean a wound or treat a patient, she’d review and study scientific works of knowledge to gain more.
Yes, that was Caitlin. The Caitlin she wanted to be. Calm, methodical, stable. But the Caitlin that was emerging recently in her life was a different Caitlin. It was a tired, scared and lonely little girl trapped in her life and finally reappearing right now.
A little girl searching for her father. A little girl whose judged by her mother. A little girl who just wants her best friend to hold her hands. And by best friend…She meant partner. A partner like Ronnie or Barry.
But both were so close yet so out of reach. Ronnie dead and Barry’s love? More dead than alive for sure in its strength. How could it ever be? And why would she ever expect something different?
She was wiping the kitchen counter and bumped into the boxed up cardboard of the chocolate fountain she bought weeks ago. She rolled her eyes for she had no idea why she bought something as stupid as that but Cisco begged for her to get it just in case he found a girlfriend and needed it and then proceeded to forget about it and never mentioned it ever again. Now the fountain was boxed up in packaging and annoyed the living daylights of her.
Her hands remained sealed on the cloth as she moved it towards the fridge and she started to give the shiny metal a meticulous wipe before her eyes darted to a picture she kept on her refrigerator. She frowned softly, as her finger pushed away the strand of hair in front of her eye, her lips pursed but her eyes focused. She saw the picture of the Star Labs team she had kept on the silver surface of the fridge that reminded her of better times. Barry’s smile was brighter and less burdened, she was more relaxed, Cisco seemed looser.
Her eyes focused on Barry’s lips and her fingers started to gently caress the picture. Her finger laced around his face and his lips before a seemingly hostile presence started to take over her. She felt it but was unprepared for it, she didn’t sense the shadows and didn’t seen the quiet dull whisperings in her head. She knew it was there, but she hadn’t felt its presence for a while until now, and she couldn’t quite resist it.
Her eyes flickered. Her voice trembled. Her finger still caressing the picture.
‘’You’re mine, Barry…Yes or no, you’re mine.’’ She said as her eyes turned icy and a breath of icy particles released from her chest flowed from her mouth, leaving a trail of white in the air.
Barry’s place in the picture started to cover with faded mild white icy frost, just enough so that the residue could be seen and his face was still evident. She traced her finger along the picture before arriving at her own face, a soft tear wanting to come out but somehow was unable to.
Her finger started to shake as she thought of Iris, he eyebrows furrowing, and the hole in her chest starting to rise higher and fill her lungs. The tear didn’t come out, instead being met with tension in her eyelids as he finger started to shake more erratically. The ice coming from her finger was enough to snap the picture in half, separating her side and Barry’s side in two.
Then the tear came out. She broke the picture, and the guilt started to settle in as she desperately snapped out of the raging emotions and landed on the shore of normality. Her eyes turning brown and her fingers no longer cold, letting her knees softly drop onto the ground and picking up the separate sheets of the picture. It was broken and tattered as she tried to tape it up together, the edge of the picture’s split tear evident and the separation between her and Barry made her engulf in annoyance and irritation.
Exhaustion. That’s what she felt boiling within her. An aching stab at her heart that slowly pierced and tingled within her chest. As if her bones were splitting and tearing as she felt the weight of her muscle pull down from within her legs.
The knock from the door made the tension momentarily slip and fade as her head bobbed up to look at her door hinges. She quickly took the picture and tucked it into her sweater pocket, before pressing her hands together, as if she was preparing for something. She took a deep breath and curled her finger around a lock of her hair before walking towards the door and unlocking the hinges.
Wally West stood in front of her, an awkward chuckle coming over his face and his eyebrows were raised in fascination at the cleanliness of her house. His hands were in his pockets and he was wearing a black unzipped cotton jacket with ripped jeans and a grey t shirt revealing itself from the unzipped jacket.
‘’Hey, uh, hi Caitlin.’’ Wally said, clearly trying to make small talk before diving into a discussion deeper than the ones one mutters when seeing a friend.
‘’Wally! What a…Pleasant surprise?’’ Caitlin said, her eyebrows raised in curiosity and she took a step back as she allowed her hand to guide Wally in. She closed the door and Wally took a few steps forward before turning.
‘’I hope I didn’t interrupt.’’ He said gently.
‘’Trust me, there was nothing that I was doing that was worth any of my time.’’ Caitlin replied gently, a small smile flickering onto her face.
‘’I know that feeling’’ Wally said with a grin and a soft nod, before his eyes plastered onto the floor and his lips grimaced. ‘’See, I came here because I was wondering if you could help me out…Y’know with a few things with Jessie.’’
Caitlin’s eyes raised and her face became slightly solemn. ‘’Sure, Wally. Are you have relationship issues?’’
‘’See, that’s the thing. No.’’ Wally said, the grimace on his face softly turning into a cheeky smile. ‘’Before she goes back to Earth 2, I wanted to give her something…Like something really meaningful. Problem is…I don’t know what to give.’’
When she analyzed the way his eyes shifted up and down from the wall to the floor with soft nervousness and peaks of youthful love, her head started to tilt and her eyes widened as her hands softly touched each other tracing her skin as her mind started to be consumed by thoughts.
‘’Tell her how you feel and write all the words you would say as if they were your last.’’ Caitlin said gently.
Wally smiled timidly for a second as his fingers rubbed against each other. ‘’That’s…That’s it? Do you think that would be enough? Instead of something like flowers or…Y’know something kind of big?’’
‘’Nothing can be bigger than genuine words from the heart, Wally. You know that Jesse isn’t looking for a extravagant boyfriend only a genuine one.’’ Caitlin said, a soft smile flickering onto her face.
‘’Then I should…I should do it right now.’’ Wally said his eyes scanning the room.
Caitlin smiled and anticipated before retrieving a nice piece of thickened paper and gave him the pen. His smile glimmered and twinkled as he placed the pen on the blank sheet of space and before she knew it, she saw a blur of action and movement before realizing he was speed writing with his powers. Boy, nothing more characteristically Wally then using your powers for nearly everything.
She felt envy twinkling in the back of her mind as she watched him quickly writing, clearly enjoying being loved and relishing in the feeling of love as he simultaneously enjoyed using his speed for fun and to help others. Wally seemed so happy with everything he had and sometimes she wishes she could exchange her life for his.
For he could spend time with the one he loved and have that love shared, for he could enjoy his powers instead of having to battle the depths of his mind constantly and be terrified, panicked and stressed about the future on a daily basis. For in Wally’s pocket was a love letter to the person he was infatuated with, in Caitlin’s pocket was a tattered and broken picture of Barry Allen that she creepily stared at and traced with an icy, cold finger in a battle within herself and the demon within her.
‘’Honestly…This was a great idea.’’ Wally said, his boyish grin returning to his face as he snapped Caitlin out of her deep mental processes.
‘’That was rather quick, you sure you managed to convey your feelings without rushing?’’ Caitlin said, a soft roll of the eyes occurring and a cheeky, teasing smile smoothly transitioning onto her face.
‘’Yeah, actually…It did.’’ Wally said. ‘’Thanks for the idea.’’
Seeing his enthusiasm made her feel better. She didn’t know what it was, but it felt like being a doctor and telling a child that their medical exam was successful before giving the child a lollipop and seeing the joy exude on their face. Caitlin’s heart felt like it dipped into a bath of euphoria and his smile spread onto hers too.
‘’You get so happy when you think of her…’’ Caitlin said, softness and melancholy tinting her voice.
‘’I’m really happy we’re together…Happy I met her.’’ Wally said nodding, his smile soft and light.
Caitlin nodded in return as she felt her heart squeeze and slightly tighten. A soft pull at her heartstrings, a small yet soft pain stabbing within her chest.
‘’You going to use that chocolate fountain?’’ Wally said, seeing the unopened box on one of the desks.
‘’I’m not sure…I don’t have much use for it.’’ Caitlin said, an image of her and Barry dipping strawberries within it flickering into her head as he’d gently nudge some chocolate off of her chin and kiss her gently on the lips.
‘’Anyways, I’ll see you later.’’ Wally said as he walked towards the door. Caitlin followed him out the door, said her goodbyes, and watched him walk down the hall. She smiled at his youthful energy as he strutted out with such confidence and excitement. Youthful naivety she knew she never had nor could she ever experience. Her story was different.
Her pocket seemed to weigh down on her as she remembered the torn picture that she kept, and the guilt crawled back into her head as her fingers trembled touching the picture and stroking Barry’s face. The guilt started to flood down, breaking the wooden gates of her soul and covering the interior with unstoppable water that drowned her.
She glanced at the chocolate fountain and an idea sprung within her head. An idea that could possibly relieve her of the guilt, and build a dam to stop the water from penetrating and destroying. Anything that could get the pangs of guilt to lessen, and it was a method she learned as a doctor.
A method that goes as follows: To heal is the first priority and a sacrifice must be made.
Doctors made many sacrifices in order to heal others. But one sacrifice that isn’t mentioned as much is one of the heart, and the pain the heart must give in order to truly heal. But this time, it wasn’t out of pure generosity, it was an attempt to stop the guilt.
Or was that love? Was the answer to her question finally answered? Was love about sacrifice? Was love helping the very thing that destroys you because being destroyed in it while making the object of your destruction happy the whole point? Or was she missing pieces to a puzzle and misreading everything?
Caitlin opened the box out and took the chocolate fountain out before putting it onto a cart and she walked outside her door, shut it, and wheeled it on out to the car. She didn’t know if this was love or out of severe desperation to ease the guilty pain that Killer Frost fed off of constantly. But what she did know is that she suddenly felt determined to do it.
She set it up in the middle of the Speed Lab, placed a small table with two chairs on both sides of the table and placed the medium sized chocolate fountain next to it. She made sure everything was functioning and working properly with the medium sized fountain before clicking the button seeing the brown liquid beautifully drip down oozing a chocolate smell and reeking of romance.
She placed a card from the same material as Wally’s thick paper and wrote down Barry and Iris’s names before pulling her phone out. She texted Barry that the team had a surprise for him and Iris in the Speed Lab and Barry texted back with a thank you and a cute emoji.
Sooner than later she found herself hidden near the walls. She wanted to see how Barry reacted. She saw him and Iris come in and the tug of her pain consumed her heart, as her eyes started flickering when it saw Iris’s hand wrapped around his. For a brief second, she felt cold and angry, but then her eyes moved towards Barry. Her eyes turned brown again and a softness formed within her heart.
Despite her pain, in this reciprocating act of kindness, she felt a sense of happiness bubble in her heart, but a deadening numbness comes over her soul as if it was being pricked and stung deeply by a small needle and while she felt the burning and sting, it would softly fade into an uncertain feeling of emptiness, as if her heart wanted to feel the pain and feel the burning sensation of that pain but was too tired to process it so it proceeded to just feel…Neutral, numbness.
And somehow the feeling of sacrifice felt good for her, perhaps because it was a human trait that took courage and compassion to do, but also become it was something she’s always wanted to do and has done her life. Sacrificing her relationship with her mother for her job at Star Labs to help people, sacrificing the safety in her job to be dangerously helping a superhero, sacrificing her medical knowledge to help Barry in secret when she could’ve been a higher paid doctor in a safer environment anywhere else. But those never felt like sacrifices, those were things she loved doing, things that she would sacrifice within a heartbeat, things where stupid things like materialism or fame didn’t matter to her. She never ever thought twice over those sacrifices.
But then came Barry, where sacrificing didn’t come within the split of a second or a blink of an eye, but came with uncertainty, a selfish pause in consideration, where a minute would pass as the storm in her heart thundered and sparked. For sacrificing Barry wasn’t something she ever wanted to do, and possibly couldn’t ever do, yet here she was trying to do it. It’s not like he was hers to give but it also wasn’t like she could just let it go. For if this act of kindness could make her a better person in her own eyes, she didn’t know, all she knew is that she felt a need to be punished, and in a way, her self destruction felt a viable option for the monster deep down inside her. And maybe if she helped Iris, she could feel better about her own insecurities.
But then that smile spread over his face, his pale skin would light up and reflect from the lights from the wall, his eyes would bounce around the room as he spoke almost like he was reading an invisible teleprompter that were on the corners of the wall, or his white teeth shining as he gave a toothy grin, or the spot right on his cheek, or the softness of his nose. For a second, everything felt okay for Caitlin. Everything could be forgotten, the pain. The suffocating void Ronnie left finally filled the emptiness in her heart with bundles of warmth, the agonizing torture of Jay’s toxic love finally healed and the bloody wounds became healing scars, the rupturing anxiety of thoughts being forced into her brain with the impending battle between her and Killer Frost would settle as if the ocean waves were finally not cascading onto the shore but instead gently came onto the sand wetting it. All this peace, this tranquil feeling of wholeness and fulfillment, a feeling of gratitude and appreciation, all came from one look at him, all at the moment of his smile, which wasn’t ever directed at her and never would be.
If Caitlin could appreciate the small evanescent seconds of gazing at him, appreciate every small minuscule second, what would her appreciation look like had those small seconds of admiration and love washed over into an hour, or a lifetime? For that answer might never answer, and would never answer, frankly, and perhaps a life without that answer wasn’t worth it.
But right now there was a small joy sweetened with the feelings of generosity. Iris smiled as she dipped her small piece of baguette into the small chocolate fountain as they both sat down with each other, she’d swirl her purple wine in her glass as they both pressed their glasses together with a small clang, and stare into each others eyes. Maybe, for a split second, Caitlin wasn’t jealous, but happy, in a small sweetened way ripened with feelings of gratitude that she could make them smile. It looked like the stress Iris was hiding deep in her eyes had faded away and she was able to savor the moment with Barry temporarily letting the unresting thoughts of the future settle down and calm.
As she turned away, she walked down the corridor and outside, where the cooler night air would hit her skin, and she put her hands inside the pocket of her hoodie as she went to her car. As she opened the door, she went inside and closed it, before taking breaths, making sure they were deep, controlled, poised to calm the approaching franticness that could potentially ensue.
But there wasn’t any frantic thoughts or restless beating within her chest, there didn’t seem to be the typical anxiety looming behind, as if she could rest within her mind with a feeling of calmer and more peaceful tranquility.
She put her seat belt and gazed out at Star Labs, how beautiful it stood by itself, slightly damaged, but what was remarkable was the empty parking lot, showing the signs of the time and how time has changed ever so much. One time, she and Ronnie would step outside and have to find where their car was park, she remembered during colder fall days his hand would warm hers as it remained pressed and constant in her life, something she wish she could’ve savored when she had it.
And time. Time was their biggest enemy. All of them, the whole team had been plagued by time in some sort of way. Barry, directly, with his experiences of manipulating the time streams and coming back to a timeline where things remained slightly changed, or with Cisco, whose brother was lost because of Barry’s indirect timeline change. Caitlin knew time was lurking around the corner and the visions of an angry and pained soul with white hair and crisp eyes would battle Cisco would eventually come. And Iris, especially, whose days were outnumbered and constantly being counted down with each ticking second. Or even Wally, who was constantly pressured to gain a bit more speed as he trained each coming day, and H.R who already had a debacle with time as he was pressured to go back to Earth 19 and be executed.
And time would have Iris West Allen wedded to Barry, which was the least concerning and selfish thing to hate time for, but for her it weighed on her mind as so many things did.
There was a calendar that was placed on the seat next to her, a small miniature one that she’d keep to track time and schedule things keeping her sense of routine, but all those dates and weeks were only a reminder of the pain to follow, of the disaster that would be sure to commence, of the misery that would unfold.
What was love? How come that still didn’t feel answered? Was that to remain unknown and unanswered? The stress, for a second, yet again flashed through her mind, and all that was left of the miniature calendar was torn pieces scattering across the parking lot as she drove away.
Chapter 4: Good Morning
Summary:
This chapter is heavily Ronnie/Caitlin centered. Tons of nostalgia for Caitlin.
Chapter Text
‘’I want to show you something…’’ Cisco said playfully.
He lifted his legs off the couch and went around it to his bag where he gently started unzipping it, he started rummaging through it with a look of hesitance flashing over his faced that mellowed out with his dazed off eyes as his thoughts eased him.
‘’A good movie huh?’’ Caitlin said, still sitting on the couch with her eyes focused on the television set in front of her running the end credits.
‘’The rain scene will never get old’’ Cisco said with a soft chuckle spreading over his face, his eyes gently lighting up.
‘’Yeah…’’ Caitlin said, her head resting on her hand that stood on the couch elbow. Her eyes drifting off slightly.
She enjoyed these moments but at the same time felt they were a lie. For now, the voice in her head didn’t pound her and the crisp icy coldness didn’t resurface within her breath and lie resting on her chest. She felt properly relaxed and felt laughs blooming from her heart when she was with Cisco.
‘’…Barry didn’t come did he?’’ Caitlin asked gently.
‘’Oh yeah, uh, he was running some possible future simulations on the computer… He said he wasn’t going to make it’’ Cisco said his voice softly become dull. ‘’You know…’’
‘’Yeah, I know.’’ Caitlin said. It wouldn’t take long for any laugh to slowly fade into pain when the whole future was at stake, when the future was so gloomy with everyone’s fear being magnified and slowly revealed.
Cisco kept rummaging his bag and seemed to be working on something. Caitlin’s head slowly drifted to him and she turned her body to face his direction.
‘’What are you working on?’’
Cisco glanced up, his eyes widening like a puppy’s and a boyish toothy grin forming onto his face. ‘’Oh you bet I’m working on something. See, I’m a good friend…In the same way that there’s no Batman without Robin, I am nothing without you, my dear.’’
Caitlin rolled her eyes gently and playfully. ‘’…And?’’
He took a device from the back page that was relatively small, it was of a silver shade, with light edges sticking out and it had a vague similarity with Cisco’s vibe goggles. Caitlin immediately recognized as a device that would be placed within the frontal lobe of someone’s forehead, the little edges were gentle and the silver material had material that allowed for a connection to the frontal lobe to an outer source. It was similar material as the mind devices they used against Grodd whenever he came around to avoid being mind control.
‘’What are you doing playing with a temporary lobe connector?’’ Caitlin asked curiously, her chin tilting forward in wonder.
‘’This…Is a modified version of what we used for me to access the dreams of the alternative timeline when we were fighting Reverse Flash.’’ Cisco said, a giggle surfacing within his face, and a boyish shudder tingling through him.
‘’So you modified it? How?’’ Caitlin asked her curiosity tingling through her as Cisco’s energy spread to her.
‘’It can now access other people’s to see their own memories or dreams, and it also has a failsafe to wake the person in case the memory turns to a traumatic one.’’ Cisco said, the smile remaining in his face as he gently touched the surface of his device.
‘’Are you doing this to access Flashpoint?’’
Cisco’s smile flickered for a second before he attempted to maintain it. ‘’Uh, yeah, sure, it definitely can be used for us to check the memories of people in Flashpoint but I had another idea for it.’’
‘’What?’’
‘’Well, uh, for you actually.’’
‘’What do you mean?’’
Cisco grimaced for a second, and he placed his hands together and rubbed them together, as his eyes flickered at the ceiling searching for the right words to come to his mouth. ‘’This device can…Access memories, so all the happy ones in the past, it can access people as if they were there, and you’re reliving their presence one last time…’’
Her eyes drooped down to the floor and she bit her lip as she pieced together what he was saying. A light flutter of small warmth washed over her heart before a stinging pain briefly drifted down her body. ‘’You mean Ronnie?’’
‘’Yeah I mean Ronnie.’’ Cisco said seriously, his soft eyes glancing at her sympathetically.
Caitlin shook her head swiftly, her eyes still glancing at the floor, her hand raising her and she gently shook it to indicate her gentle refusal. She calmly got off the sofa. ‘’I can’t, Cisco. It’s too risky considering Killer Frost is in my mind and if there’s a traumatic moment I will relieve it and we just can’t risk…’’
‘’Caitlin’’ Cisco interrupted, getting off gently from the couch as well and softly heading over to her. ‘’In no way do you have to do this or will I ever push you to do this…But this device is programmed to specifically monitor your mental states, plus the Killer Frost dampener is still on you…And I’d be there.’’
Her eyes calmly drifted towards his, her pupils widening as a sad melancholic gaze drifted onto his as if the war in her heart was breaking within the surface of her eyes. ‘’You’d be there?’’
Cisco nodded his head tranquilly. ‘’Yeah, for sure. With my powers, I’d be right there with you to see whatever memory you chose to access. I’d be there to make sure nothing happens.’’
Caitlin nodded. The memories of Ronnie showered through her soul as she remembered the blurred but powerfully resonating thoughts of his laughs or jokes. She felt an urge to reach out, hold those memories and never let them go.
‘’I…I…’’ Caitlin said, her eyes piercing at the house and the memories flooding through her chest.
‘’You don’t need to this. I just wanted to give you the option.’’ Cisco said gently. ‘’Obviously, this isn’t something we’d do again because it could get addictive to relive memories, but this once…If we do it together maybe we’ll be able to…Let Ronnie go easier.’’
Caitlin nodded her head but a part of her heart flinched with pain as she saw a reality she wanted to feel. One where she could always relive her memories, over and over until it sickened her to the soul, one where she could drift away whenever she needed to the memories that brought her relief, when times were full of small joys that bloomed into cascading happiness that forever pounded and resonated in her soul. She knew she couldn’t have that, but a part of her craved that, a way to escape forever. Despite these thoughts, she wanted it at least once, to feel Ronnie’s light, to feel his warm touch that sparked into her. To be able to forget about Barry for a brief while.
‘’Let’s do it…’’ She said gently. ‘’But only if you’re there with me.’’
‘’Yeah, are you sure though?’’ Cisco asked calmly, gently stroking the device between his fingers.
She nodded, she sat down on the couch, taking a deep breath that emerged shakily and ridden with painted colors of pain. She stared at the blank tv set in front of her as her finger gently touched the sofa cushion and ran over it feeling the texture. Cisco sat next to her and placed his hand gently on her hand, he had his vibe goggles in his other hand.
‘’You’re okay…’’ Cisco said. ‘’I’ll be right there.’’
Caitlin smiled gently. ‘’How will this work?’’
‘’Once the device is on, you’ll slowly close your eyes and you’ll be in control. Once you feel ready, repeat the memory out loud and just focus on them…’’ Cisco said.
‘’What…What if…’’ Caitlin said timidly, her breath quivering. ‘’Frost?’’
‘’You have the dampener on.’’ Cisco reassured her, he then smiled and rolled his eyes gently. ‘’The only problem I see is if you focus on an inappropriate memory so please don’t do that to me!’’
Caitlin smiled gently. ‘’I won’t…’’
Cisco gave the device and gently put it on her forehead. She felt the gentle edges sticking to her skin, and she took a few deep breaths. The device felt gentle on her head but she felt a warm buzz spark in her forehead as she gently closed her eyes shut, gently touching Cisco’s arm as she felt his calming energy gently flooding through her veins.
She only saw pitch black, and the eerie quietness was at first peaceful before a soft drift of thoughts entered her mind. The pitch black was met by a few thoughts, ones of doubt, ones of uncertainty. She felt herself lightly tremor before feeling Cisco’s grip on her hand becoming slightly tighter.
‘’Concentrate’’ His voice murmured.
She started to focus on Ronnie, whose bright eyes glimmered in her heart and sparked a soft, engulfing pain that started to clench through her body, ripple through her waves of memories and drench her with tingling pain. The smile slowly became fixated on her as she chose a memory and the memory started to gently bloom in front of her, the memory appeared in front of her through her eyes as she relived herself within Star Labs, back in the days where there workers around and she was in the bottom floor.
‘’Do you see?’’ She asked Cisco gently.
‘’Oh I see, and it’s super cool’’ Cisco replied back with a chuckle.
Ronnie’s face came into view, wearing a tight black shirt as his eyes sparkled at her and a boyish charming grin coming over his face. ‘’Random facts about me? That will work huh?’’
‘’No, it won’t, Ronnie, you can’t just speed me up just because you assume that randomly spouting things will move me faster, silly.’’ Caitlin saw herself saying, as she felt the laughter blooming into her chest and the feeling of love yet again exuding from her soul.
Ronnie’s eyes lit up, ignoring her requests and the youthful laugh that she had so strongly fallen in love started to glow over his face. ‘’When I was a kid, I dropped a kitten and accidentally made them deaf. Worst day of my life. And I actually was top of my class during my senior year and apparently had to take class for ‘gifted’ peers. Not to brag.’’
He gave a chuckle and Caitlin waved her hand away.
‘’Okay, you look very cute, hold on, I’m about to finish.’’ Caitlin said laughing.
‘’I’m just really excited for our date, I must hasten you!’’ Ronnie said charmingly as his hand gently touched her arm. ‘’You’re so close…’’
‘’Yes I am…’’ She said, pausing for a second and finishing the computer work for before walking over to him and giving him a hug.
‘’Ugh, finally.’’ Ronnie said, grasping his hands gently around her back.
It was the sparks Caitlin remembered, the way his fingers gently caressed her back in loving reassurance and the way that he always made her feel like everything was better. Each day become a burst of euphoria and each second became a flower flooding with heightened senses of joy that cascaded within her day and blessed her with happiness that was beyond comprehension.
It was his cute charm and his ability to lighten her days that made her fall in love with him. He was bold, not hesitant to make her feel included and loved. He never would push her too far and was always receptive to how she felt, making her feel special and making her feel that he always had a gentle understanding towards her as he’d gaze or spoke his luscious words to her.
‘’You make me feel special like I’m something beyond this world…’’ Ronnie’s gentle voice muttered to her, flooding through her walls that kept her heart locked and safe.
‘’You do…You are.’’ Caitlin said looking into his eyes. ‘’You make me feel happier than I have ever felt before, and never before had I thought something so wonderful could ever be met in this world.’’
Ronnie nodded his head gently. ‘’I’m not all that special as you make me sound.’’
‘’How could I say such things if you weren’t?’’ She asked.
‘’Aww, trying not to give yourself any credit? You’re the one who sees it.’’
‘’Thank god, I do.’’
He briefly placed his arm around her shoulders and tucked her closer to him, as they gazed at the waters beneath them feeling the cool spring against their breaths. The peaceful wind drifting through the air matched the soul’s that wonderfully flocked together with laughter and blooming happiness with safety residing in her heart. Another memory broke through.
‘’Y’know, I really love talking to you…’’ Ronnie said, his hands in his pocket as he walked towards her. She was smiling brightly and her hands her nervously touching her arm.
His smile briefly flickered as his eyes became captivated by Caitlin’s gaze, his gentle softened eyes painting over her taking in every glance and expression of her as the soft blush pierced over his cheek and a light smile tightened within his face, soft and subtle but clearly enamored. No one ever looked at her the way Ronnie did, and it was that face that always strung into her heart when she thought of his light smile, the one where his eyes patiently analyzed her for reaction and captivated every sight of her that he saw.
‘’Hey, what did you say?’’ Ronnie would ask her when they were talking down the streets whenever she said something and he didn’t hear. He’d always notice and accommodate her, he’d never ignore something she’d say and would always put effort in placing his attention towards her.
‘’I love the time that we spend together’’ Ronnie would say, his arm wrapped around her as her small face would be pressed against his chest watching a horror movie with him, the stunned look on their faces as something exciting would happen would be forever engraved in her memory and sometimes she’d watch the films alone, as if their presence could make him return and come back.
‘’Good morning’’ Ronnie’s voice said pounding with every heartbeat in the morning, as his boyish grin and eyes would light up in the morning as she’d drowsily open her eyes and see his smile bounce up as his fingers would gently drift and run through her hair. Every morning, it would never falter, he would say good morning every time, and even when he was away, the first thing he would do when he got up at 7 in the morning was briefly text to her and always communicate. She was never alone.
‘’I love you’’ He said for the first time as they walked down the beach, her arm hooked across his and her palms, like an electric spark, lit against his and her every heartbeat she could feel joyously ruminate through her body and her throat.
Caitlin remembered looking at him, her head gently tilting up at him as the smile painted across his face and his eyes softly and gently looked at her back, the patience in his gaze fully displayed as it waited for a response.
‘’I want you to feel comfortable, it’s okay if you would rather wait or aren’t ready or…’’ He started to say before she interrupted.
‘’I love you too.’’
Caitlin found herself smiling as the memories drifted across the surface. She felt Cisco’s hand gently and placidly placed next to hers. She knew he could see and she was incredibly happy that he could see. He could see every little moment that her heart held onto. No one was perfect and even she and Ronnie would have disagreements, but somehow with Ronnie, she was never afraid of losing him and disagrees always stemmed into a place of understanding.
‘’I’m sorry’’ She told him, the memory of her seeing him standing in the corner of the room as she gently walked over. ‘’I made you feel alone and I overprotected you and treated you like a child. Just because you’re youthful doesn’t mean I can control you. I apologize.’’
Ronnie turned and gave her a light smile. ‘’I forgive you. Just trust me okay?’’
‘’I trust you…I trust you….’’ Caitlin said calmly moving towards him before placing her hands on his waist as he did the same and his forgiving lips would reassure her that her mistakes were mended and his lips would flicker across her pounding heart as nothing mattered but the electric shock cascaded and sensitively flowing through her body.
‘’Cait we have to try…’’ The urgency in his voice as he placed his hand on her cheek before kissing her with utter passion and fire as the tension between the lips locked and refuse to separate if it weren’t for a sharp pull. He would then proceed to merge with Martin Stein and she would watch him drift away into the sky, only for her to never see him ever again afterwards.
A teardrop flowed down her eyes and she could feel it, as her eyes opened and she saw the room again. The room looking dull, lifeless, and void of love or joy as it looked like an emptiness that had lost its touch and had its ability to fully live and be fully passionate with feelings of joy. The room was Ronnie less. Sitting next to her Cisco glanced at her sympathetically, his eyes full of loving compassion as the device she used stood in her hand.
‘’We don’t want to risk going deeper…’’ He said gently.
‘’I don’t know why that memory had to come up’’ Caitlin said sadly.
‘’It’s okay, it’s okay. We got to see plenty of amazing ones, it’s just good to stop when the negative ones start resurfacing.’’ Cisco said.
‘’Well, thank you for being there.’’ Caitlin said, her hand still remaining on his.
‘’Thank you for letting me see…’’ Cisco said.
He stayed for a while and they talked about each memory and how they made her feel, Cisco replied with a few of his own memories and they both started to chuckle as their laughter bloomed into sweet nostalgia. Cisco eventually said goodnight and went to her guest bed room and she presumed he fell asleep.
She went to her own room, and she found the pain starting to resurface as if the moment when words weren’t being intertwined with something else the memories would start to cascade and the pain would start to reveal itself, piercing and gnawing at her heart. Next to her bed stand was a picture of Ronnie and a picture of her, Barry and Cisco.
All of a sudden the room’s silence made the air crisp and the soft aches in her heart pang and scream at the walls of her chest. A soft teardrop drained from her eyes as she clutched Ronnie’s and Barry’s picture, letting her finger loosen and trace each of their faces. She felt the world sing her a melody as the sadness left her heart hanging with painful beats of bursting love that could never be completed.
The tears slowly accumulated in her eyes as a soft blink caused them to drip down her cheek, the cool air from the fan allowed her to feel the cool wetness on her cheek and she bit her lip as her eyes gently closed again. The memory of Ronnie surfaced within her mind, each of the funny words that he’d say caused another tear to naturally leak out and her fingers to clench. The memories drifted to Barry and the way he’d call her ‘Cait’, the only other person who would other than Ronnie, and the only other person who could say that in a way that made her heart spark and light a match that burned the oil soaked soul. She thought of the way he sang the song ‘Summer Loving’, the happy memories slowly drifted within her and caused her eyes to dampen as they flooded with even more pain. For Barry was the only one close who made her feel the way Ronnie did.
She traced her journal and begin writing an entry, she felt the pen stroke against the paper and felt her teardrops slowly cascading onto the paper staining the white surface with wet drops of stains that could never be remained.
The words flowed from her pen and the thoughts were unable to be stopped as the pen gently touched the smooth surface and the words painted pictures of her emotions that now completely took her over, her hand shaky and her fingers trembling.
She wrote it down and she stopped right when she wrote it: Just once let me hold them, just once.
She fell asleep but she could hear Ronnie’s voice echo in her dreams.
‘’Good morning.’’
Chapter 5: Cut Of A Needle
Summary:
Long hiatus guys, I'm back hopefully for more updated chapters.
Chapter Text
He had his eyes closed and she found herself staring at him the entire time gently touching her eyes on the lightness of his skin, admiring the way his brown hair gleamed in the light, or how his tender lips remained softly closed. She saw the peace and serenity oozing over his being and a part of her wanted to see those closed sleeping eyes every time she woke up. He was finally freed from his burdens.
Caitlin sat patiently waiting for him to awake. She laced her fingers around her dress as she stood in silence as she saw Barry’s eyes flutter a few times, glittering as it glanced up at her.
‘’You’re still here, Caitlin?’’ he said gently.
‘’I hope you enjoyed your nap’’ Caitlin said teasing.
Barry nodded his head, letting the emotions of the moment drift over him. She could sense the quiet guilt flood over him and it wiped its paint across the canvass of his face. The burden of Iris’s looming fate weighed over him. And she wanted to do anything to let him release some of the pain that weighed on him, that held him down with bricks revealing in his pained gaze.
‘’Summer loving…’’ She sang lovingly and with hopes of healing his pain, she sang gently and out of tune, a soft smile forming on her face.
Barry cracked a laugh. ‘’I met a girl crazy for me…’’
Caitlin felt the energy of the past radiate inside her being yet again as it pounded across her pulses spreading joy across her veins. ‘’Met a boy cute as can be…’’
She let the memories drift over he like the ocean water that washes upon the shore and makes it wet, she twiddled her fingers for a while, gently biting her lip.
‘’What’s up, Caitlin?’’ Barry asked.
Caitlin’s eyes widened and she politely shook her head. ‘’Nothing’’
‘’You’re doing that thing…That thing where you bite your lip when something’s bothering you.’’ Barry said with calmness touching his breath.
‘’Just reminiscing over memories’’ Caitlin said softly.
Barry nodded. ‘’Things have gotten really rough right now…I understand why you’d be thinking of the times before now.’’
Caitlin nodded, a sadness blooming across her eyes. ‘’Barry…I…I was thinking about how you helped me confront Ronnie’s death and were there for me down there.’’
Barry chuckled, smiling, and shrugging his shoulders gently. ‘’I was just being there for you, Cait. I know you’d do the same thing for me.’’
‘’It really helped me with everything.’’ Caitlin replied.
Barry was quiet for a second, letting his eyes pierce its soft energy into hers.
‘’What I mean is…’’ Caitlin said explaining. ‘’Maybe I just was a mess…And you showed me light, Barry.’’
The memory echoed across her mind when she remembered how Barry asked her if it would be easier if we down with her. The moment planted rose colored glasses onto the eyes of her mind and she found herself remembering.
‘’I’m terrified of going in there…’’ Caitlin said softly to him in the memory.
In the memory, Barry’s eyes towards her were full of tender love that awakened across his gaze and penetrated peace and protection onto her. She could get lost into them, because their hues were soft and their gaze so gentle that she found herself wanting to immerse her entire soul into them and let herself drown into his love.
‘’What if I went with you?’’ She remembered his voice giving her the most loving embrace with the melodies that exuded from his tone of voice, so much so that it planted warm seeds into the soil of her soul and cascaded her love into an unstoppable wave of happiness.
‘’In truth, if it weren’t for you, I don’t know who I’d be and I guess that thought scares me.’’ Caitlin said, snapping out of her memory and talking to the Barry that was lying on the hospital bed.
Barry smiled. ‘’If it weren’t for you, I definitely wouldn’t have learned how to be the Flash.’’
Caitlin bit her lip and crossed her arms. A void of silence filled the room as the tension started to mount within and her heart felt like its bursts of words wanted to tug at the cloth that she had sewn all her feelings up in.
‘’No, Barry, you wouldn’t need me. Because you have Iris.’’ she said the words coming out from her lips as a sadness touched over her voice.
‘’And…?’’ Barry asked, his eyes oozing into a confused expression, his head tilted.
‘’Maybe I sometimes wish that…When you said you wanted to find someone new to crazy about that I should’ve asked you on a date.’’ Caitlin said, she got up from her seat and started walking around the room, her eyes gazing at the walls as she found the right words to exude, words buried within her chest. ‘’But in truth I was scared, and I never got around to it…And yet, I miss all the times we had when we were actually close, Barry. Times where I felt like I could tell you anything and you told me everything.’’
Barry stood in silence, an obviously pained expression coming into his gaze as he let the words sink into his chest and softly consume his understanding of the situation. A sense of regret flowed across him as he realize what words she muttered.
‘’I miss everything…I miss feeling like I had a chance with you’’ Caitlin said, letting the honesty grip and rock her being. ‘’But you have given me so much light…So much understanding, so much peace and joy that…It’s enough for me to fight Killer Frost and be able to keep myself stable. Whenever I feel that I’m going down on the edge, it’s your smile that pulls me through.’’
Tension drifted over Barry’s face, as his eyes gazed at the floor with solemness as the words struck and rung at the bells of his mind. Silence drifted over him, words unable to come from his mouth as it remained silent and shut.
‘’I want you to be happy with Iris…I know you love her deeply but…But I can’t hold it in anymore.’’ Caitlin said as she mused over her thoughts.
Just a few hours ago, she had taken off her necklace and placed her hands on Barry’s arms to keep Iris alive. Despite the fear she had of losing control, it was the sight of Barry’s panicked eyes and the sight of his paralyzing fear when he begged with his words for her to save Iris. In that moment there was nothing she could do to stop herself from taking off the necklace and letting the cold wrap itself around Iris’s arm.
She had plenty of negative pushbacks, because Killer Frost pounded in her head to kill Iris and the feeling of envy and jealousy penetrated across her being but she somehow was able to fight it as she stabilized herself. The thought that came across her mind was one of Barry laughing and the sunlight reflecting that laugh into her soul. It was always the thought of him that steered her away from the darkness.
‘’I won’t be a bother, Barry…I respect you and Iris.’’ Caitlin said.
Barry stammered. ‘’Caitlin…I…I don’t know what to say…It’s just…’’
His eyes were tortured for a second as they looked up at her with disappointment as he shrugged his shoulder and moved his head back and forth in contemplation.
‘’I want Iris…’’ he said softly, the last breath oozing with pain as it gently drifted across the wind into her ear and planted needles of prickling stings into her heart.
‘’I know, Barry…’’ Caitlin muttered over her breath, clenching her fists so her fingernails could dig into her palms. ‘’I didn’t mean to make things awkward.’’
‘’I know, Caitlin, and you didn’t. It’s good to let it out but…’’ Barry said, glancing at the walls his eyes fading into pensiveness, whatever he was about too say, he wasn’t going to reveal his words and instead let the silence falter and continue to tumble onto itself.
Caitlin felt the tears threaten to emerge from her eyes as she gently touched the doorknob and began to open it. She looked behind her one more time and saw Barry gazing at her from a distance, a gentle teardrop spreading across his left cheek as he bit his lip watching her leave. His eyes were tortured and pain, but there was a clear distance that enveloped its perception as if not even his eyes could even fully love her. There was a veil of distance between his gaze and Caitlin’s soul and all she wanted was for that distance to disappear.
When she had left the room, she felt the tremors of the energy she had left behind linger and haunt her like shadows of love that were touching and kissing her neck sending shock waves across her body. The pain gushed in, a sense of hopelessness cascading into being, a nervous shock of truth yet almost pained relief drowning her in words and thoughts. A sense of burden lifted yet at the same time a new path of pain, uncertain in its reflection, remained waiting for her soul as it kept trudging along to its next path.
Caitlin took a breath as she walked into her car, and started the engine up. She glanced at the sky, which was bright and sunny and smothering with its light blueness. She tried to smile.
‘’I love you Barry…It’s okay. I’m happy you’re happy.’’