Chapter Text
It had all started with a bet… or a dare, Hermione really couldn’t remember which, but either way she wasn’t too keen on losing to Ron and Harry. They’d needed a way to entertain themselves and this one was simple: Whoever got into a relationship and had it last for at least 3 months won, and the bet? 20000 galleons and a dare of the winner’s choosing to the loser. Eighth year had been a bit mundane up until this point, other then McGonagall’s intent on house’s bonding with one another that had landed them in quite the sleeping quarter issue, what with Hermione being stuck with Pansy Parkinson of all people, and Ron being stuck with some Ravenclaw, Harry… he seemed content in his roommate, but refused to disclose who the hell it was, which was a little annoying. All in all, living with Parkinson hadn’t been too bad, Hermione had experienced war, which had been worse, and the Slytherin had come back to school a bit humbled and a little less bitchy, which made her… easier to talk to. And had apparently made it that Hermione let her guard down enough to become easy to read.
“Something’s bothering you, Granger. I can feel it over here. Talk.” Pansy sighed, closing her Defense Against The Dark Arts textbook and setting it beside her. Hermione considered saying no, she didn’t owe Pansy an explanation, but it would help to talk this out with someone.
“Harry, Ron, and I have this wager-.” Pansy raised an eyebrow and made a sound of surprise, scooting forward a little bit.
“You’ve peaked my interest. Continue.” Pansy said and Hermione chuckled and sighed. Of course that would peak her interest, but at least she had someone to talk to about this. She was fairly certain that if Ginny was talking to her about it, she would’ve already talked herself into the pot.
“Well, the bet is, since we’ve all seemed to have rotten luck with love, that the first one who can stay in a relationship for three months at least without fighting with the significant other of their choosing, wins 20,000 galleons.” Hermione explained, and Pansy let out a low whistle and nodded. Yeah, Hermione knew she had a lot riding on this, because where was she supposed to front the money for that? Harry was the only one who could pull it out of thin air in their friend group.
“Hefty price. What does the loser get?” Pansy asked, and Hermione grimaced. She knew that if the boys won, she’d never live down whatever the hell they were going to do to her. She would probably have to drop out and kiss her ministry dreams goodbye.
“The loser has to do whatever dare the winner chooses.” Hermione said and Pansy chuckled and shook her head. Of course the Slytherin could pick up on how horrific that could be, she had guy friends herself.
“So you probably don’t want to lose.” She said, and Hermione rolled her eyes. Was that even a question right now?
“Obviously. I’m not keen on losing.” Hermione snapped, and Pansy raised an eyebrow and gave her a slight smirk before she spoke again.
“Okay, so who do you have your eye on?” She asked, and Hermione shrugged. She couldn’t think of anyone she wanted to date right now. It was like… they’d just lived through a war, a relationship seemed like something that was very much at the bottom of her priorities.
“That’s the issue. No one really… peaks my interest. The last time I picked someone it was Cormac McLaggen .” Hermione said, and she shuddered a bit as she remembered the Slug club party, and this seemed to amuse Pansy just a bit.
“Yeah, not your proudest moment.” Pansy snickered, and Hermione glared at her and considered throwing her pillows at her. But she decided that venting was something she needed to do, and doing something that would make Pansy leave didn’t exactly sound like a good idea.
“Shut up, I know.” Hermione grumbled, and Pansy was silent for a moment, clearly thinking the situation through.
“What about a fake relationship?” Pansy asked, and Hermione shook her head. They’d never be okay with that.
“Pansy, that would never-.” She held up a hand to silence Hermione, much to her annoyance, but Hermione listened.
“Not fake to them, fake to the two of you. You pick someone who you’re willing to be stuck around all the time, and fake it for three months and then split the winnings.” She explained, and Hermione’s protests suddenly seemed foolish. That was actually weirdly smart, and it would make it that she was bound to win.
“That just might work.” Hermione admitted, and before she could say more, Pansy pulled herself to her feet and held out a hand to help Hermione up.
“Alright, very good. C’mon, let's go find your fake boyfriend, Granger.” She said and Hermione pulled back a bit. What the hell was going on right now? And what had she just gotten herself into.
“You’re gonna… help me?” Hermione asked and Pansy shrugged and nodded, still holding a hand out. Hermione took it and let Pansy haul her to her feet.
“Of course, I’ve got nothing better to do.” She said, and Hermione raised an eyebrow. So far this year Pansy hadn’t given her a reason not to trust her… but that didn’t mean that she’d forgotten all the years before.
“Okay…” She said as they exited their dorm, and Pansy gave her a moment before turning and talking.
“So, what's your type?” Pansy asked, and Hermione thought for a moment. She’d never really given her type much consideration, but she could give Pansy some idea of the things that she found attractive.
“Taller then me for sure… smart enough to keep up with my conversation, I don’t want to be bored in my fake relationship.” Hermione said, and Pansy nodded. She thought these were easy enough criteria to meet, and that it wouldn’t be irritating for Pansy to deal with.
“Oh no, no of course not.” Pansy said, her voice coming out dry, but Hermione knew she was actually taking note of all of this.
“And I would prefer an attractive person, but that's not a dealbreaker.” Hermione said and Pansy nodded, thinking for a long moment before she took a deep breath and looked over at her.
“Right. Well, there’s Blaise-.” Pansy offered, and Hermione made a face. Someone who sided with death eaters didn’t exactly seem like the best idea for her. Even if she was a war hero, there were obviously people who resented her, and Blaise was probably one of them, but she wasn’t really in the mood to check.
“No.” She said and Pansy nodded and looked up at the ceiling as she thought for a moment.
“Theo-.” She tried and Hermione shook her head.
“No.” Hermione sighed. Theo wasn’t terrible, just not her type and not someone that Harry and Ron would believe.
“Draco-.” Hermione shot a glare at her and sighed.
“Do you still hate me or something? No.” Hermione said, and Pansy let out a soft chuckle and nodded as they turned a corner down the hall.
“Crabbe?”
“Disgusting.”
“Goyle?”
“Even worse.”
“Hm… Neville?” Pansy asked, and that one gave Hermione pause, but she decided it just wasn’t going to happen.
“Sweet, but Harry and Ron wouldn’t buy it.” Hermione said, and Pansy nodded, like that made sense. She wished it was as easy as Neville, he was nice to be around, very polite, not bad looking… but they just wouldn’t work, even as a fake couple.
“Dean?” Pansy asked, and Hermione grimaced. Dating her friend’s ex even in a fake capacity felt wrong.
“Nope.” She sighed.
“Seamus.” Pansy tried, and Hermione chuckled.
“See the before. They’re together, Pans.” Hermione pointed out and Pansy sighed and nodded, as if she was ticking off a mental list. Hermione hadn’t taken her as a matchmaker, but she supposed she could see it.
“Right, right. I always forget.” Pansy said, and Hermione shrugged. She used to as well, but she’d been more aware since the war, it only felt right.
“It’s okay.” She said, and Pansy sighed and rubbed her temples, clearly getting a little frustrated with how long this was taking.
“Merlin, this shouldn’t be so hard.” Pansy groaned, and Hermione thought for a moment, and then remembered. Pansy didn’t know.
“I’m not opposed to a girl, you know.” She offered, and Pansy looked over at her in shock, ubt recovered quickly.
“Really? That’s new.” She said, and Hermione shrugged. It wasn’t, she’d known that she was bi since fifth year, being around Fleur Delacour had only confirmed that fact for her… hard to not catch feelings for a Veela, even if it would never happen.
“Yeah, well…” Hermione trailed off, and Pansy’s gears were turning once again.
“One of the Patil’s?” She asked, and that one made Hermione pause. They were nice enough, Hermione knew them well… but she’d heard talk of Parvati being in a relationship with someone, and she didn’t know Padma as well.
“Smart… pretty… could work, but Parvati’s taken and Padma’s straight… I’m pretty sure.” Hermione said, chewing on her lip. Pansy nodded and cleared her throat.
“Right. Lav-.” Hermione shot her a look and shook her head. She and Lavender had hashed out their differences, but that didn’t mean she loved the idea of spending three concentrated months around her.
“Don’t finish that.” Hermione warned, and Pansy shrugged.
“Thought I’d check. Ginny?” Pansy asked hopefully, and Hermione snorted. Her friend was sweet, but that was like asking for death, what with how protective Ron could get of his little sister.
“Yeah, because that worked out so well for Harry. Plus, Ginny’s too busy trying to get Luna’s attention.” Hermione said, and this made Pansy chuckle. It was cute to watch Ginny pine for Luna, but also it was getting a little frustrating and she was tempted to just tell Luna at this point. What did Ginny have to lose, really?
“Daphne?” She shook her head. Daphne Greengrass was hot, but seemed to have the personality of a microwaved piece of ice.
“Seems more your speed then mine.” Hermione admitted, and she saw the way Pansy’s lips pressed together in a tight line for a moment and thought she might have hit a bit close to him. Pansy had come out to her at the beginning of the year, but Hermione didn’t know much of anything about her past relationships.
“I’m assuming Tracey and Millie are also a no?” Pansy asked, and Hermione grimaced. Yes, the Slytherin girls were plenty hot, but they were also rude sometimes, for Merlin’s sake she and Pansy were friends at this point and she could be a total bitch sometimes.
“Mhm.” She muttered, and Pansy groaned and pinched the bridge of her nose. Something told Hermione this was more work than she thought it was going to be.
“Damn, you’re picky.” Pansy sighed, and Hermione shrugged. She figured she had the right to be picky about her fake relationship, she was going to be stuck around this person for three whole months.
“It has to be believable.” Hermione said, and Pansy sighed, clearly about to say something else but someone interrupted them.
“‘Mione.” Hermione heard Harry call down the hall, and she didn’t like the looks of his grin. This was bad. This was very bad.
“Shit. Shit shit shit.” Hermione cursed under her breath, and to her surprise Pansy ducked down to her level and raised an eyebrow, like she was actually willing to help. Sweet, but not helpful right now.
“What?” Pansy asked, and Hermione sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. She wanted to throw herself off of the astronomy tower, she was going to lose to Harry James Potter . But on the upside, so was Ron.
“Harry’s got his gloating face on, that means he’s probably found someone.” Hermione pointed out and Pansy shrugged, clearly not seeing the issue with this. The issue was if Harry found someone on the first day he had an advantage to making it to the three month point first, and Hermione wasn’t having that.
“And? You’ve got-.” She turned to Pansy and placed a hand on either arm. The Slytherin girl was pretty enough, she had nice lips, while her eyes were cruel and cold sometimes they were pretty, and her facial features were something that Hermione had at one point been rather envious of, and her body was to die for. She would do just fine.
“Kiss me.” Hermione said, the determination clear in her voice and probably just as clear in her face, if the surprise on Pansy’s was any indication. The Slytherin cocked her head to the side and chewed on her lip.
“What?” She asked softly, and Hermione rolled her eyes and hopped up on her toes, giving Pansy one last commanding look.
“Just do it.” Hermione whispered, pulling Pansy down into a firm kiss. She was shocked by how soft the other witch’s lips were, although she shouldn’t be, she’d seen Pansy’s extensive nightly routine for a couple weeks now. And once the surprise wore off on Pansy’s side, Hermione felt two small, strong hands on her waist, leading her against the wall, probably just to get them out of the walkway, but she had to admit that Pansy wasn’t terrible at this... like at all. Hermione listened close, hearing Harry’s footfalls come to a stop right in front of them, and she smiled triumphantly against Pansy’s lips, but didn’t break away.
“Herm-Oh. Sorry, I didn’t know I was interrupting.” Harry said, and they broke apart, and Hermione did her best to act like it was difficult to do so, and she noticed Pansy slip her arm around her waist and level a glare at Harry.
“Yeah, Potter. Can’t you see I’m busy snogging my girlfriend?” Pansy snapped, and Hermione was a little impressed by her quick uptake on this, especially considering her confusion just a moment again. Harry wasn’t convinced, however, and he leaned against the wall and sized them both up.
“I don’t buy it.” Harry said flatly and Hermione shrugged and leaned a bit into Pansy, trying to ignore the sound of surprise that came out of Pansy’s mouth. They had to sell it in this moment, didn’t they?
“Doesn’t matter if you do or not. Now, was there something you wanted to say?” Hermione asked, resting her head against Pansy's chest. She smelled really good, not that Hermione was surprised because again, she'd seen the self care Pansy had and it was rather good.
“Oh, just that I found someone.” Harry said, and Hermione wanted to wipe the cocky look off of his face, but she instead kept her cool.
“Really? Who?” She asked and Harry just leaned closer and narrowed his eyes, causing Pansy to shove him back. Not what Hermione was expecting, but she was playing the role of protective girlfriend pretty damn well.
“Oh, you know him very well.” Harry insisted, and next to her, Pansy raised an eyebrow, now suddenly invested.
“Draco?” Pansy asked, and Harry gave her a funny look as he shook his head. Honestly, Hermione didn't think it was beyond the realm of possibility, and Pansy was okay in asking that. She'd only been curious.
“What? No. Darling? Come here.” Harry called, and Hermione was confused. It was just Ron. And then it clicked. It was Ron . They couldn’t possibly be serious, Ron was straight… to her knowledge, she and Harry had accidentally came out to each other while they were on the run last year, but Ron… they’d never talked about it.
“Hey.” Ron said, and turned to leave a light kiss on Harry’s lips, leaving both girls with looks of shock. Hermione recovered first and cleared her throat, shaking her head. This had to be a breach in the rules.
“What. No. That’s against-.” Harry held up a hand to silence her as his other gripped Ron’s. They were an odd match, that was for sure… and Hermione didn’t see a way this wouldn’t blow up… sure, the two were friends but they were a bit too much the same. It would drive them both mad.
“It’s not. And just a question… how comfortable are you with running through the great hall nude? Because you might want to work on that.” Harry said, and Hermione noted that even Pansy’s eyes rolled on that one. She let the boys walk away before she groaned and rested her head against the wall. This was a disaster.
“Ugh those utter wankers . I’m never gonna win now, how am I supposed to find someone.” Hermione groaned, and Pansy was silent for a moment before she reached over and lightly rubbed Hermione’s arm in an attempt to comfort her.
“I could use that 10,000 galleons.” Pansy muttered, and Hermione looked over at her with surprise, but she didn’t meet her eyes.
“Are you actually offering-.” She nodded, but held up a hand to silence Hermione before she spoke.
“I have some ground rules.” Pansy said, and Hermione nodded. She’d do anything at this point, her morals were on the ground for this one.
“Okay.” She said, and she knew she sounded a little hasty, but she didn’t care. Pansy grabbed her hand and pulled her along behind her.
“C’mon, we’ll talk in our dorm.” She mumbled, and once they were in their room, Hermione shut and locked the door behind her, placing a hand on either of Pansy’s shoulders and steering her so she was standing as far from the door as she could get, and then Hermione sat down and looked up.
“So… rules.” Hermione said, and Pansy nodded, sitting down next to her on the bed, clearly thinking about it.
“One. This doesn’t change our dynamic, it's been nice to have a friend who isn’t always gossiping.” She said and Hermione felt her cheeks get a bit hot. Of course she knew they didn’t hate each other anymore, but it was still weird to hear Pansy so easily refer to her as a friend.
“I agree.” Hermione murmured, and that satisfied Pansy.
“Two. You do my Transfiguration homework for a month.” Pansy said, and Hermione considered protesting, but also… this was a big ask. A pretend relationship for at least three months? She owed her, so she nodded and sighed, crossing her arms. She would have to deal with the fact that it wasn’t exactly moral later.
“Done.” Hermione said, and Pansy looked a little shocked by how quickly she agreed to that.
“Really? Damn.” She responded and Hermione rolled her eyes and shoved her very lightly. Rude.
“Shut up, I’m desperate.” Hermione reminded her, and that seemed to shut Pansy up pretty damn quick.
“Three, we’re gonna make this believable, because I need that money.” She said and Hermione nodded. She could use it herself, honestly. It would be nice to have that once they graduated, even if it was only 10,000 now.
“Alright, whatever you want.” Hermione insisted, and Pansy cleared her throat and leaned back on her palms as she spoke.
“So I’ll walk you to class, carry your books, hold your hand, and kiss you in public, and hold you in the common room. Simple enough.” Pansy said, and Hermione was a little taken aback by how casually she’d said that. It seemed like something that should have a bit more meaning behind it, but she wasn’t about to complain.
“And what do you want in return?” Hermione asked and Pansy chewed on her lip for a moment before she shrugged.
“Just one thing.” She said and Hermione nodded. She was willing to wear a Slytherin uniform to class every day if that was what Pansy insisted on for this relationship… she wouldn’t be happy about it, but she’d do it.
“Anything, Pans.” Hermione insisted, and Pansy’s face got serious as she took another step towards Hermione and cupped her cheek. Hermione swallowed heavily and looked away because this seemed a bit serious for what their arrangement was.
“Don’t fall in love with me.” Pansy instructed, and Hermione noted the look of amusement in her eyes and let out a sigh of relief that Pansy was messing around with her and smacked her hand away. Of course the other girl also knew this was just a professional arrangement and nothing more.
“I wouldn’t dream of it.” Hermione insisted, and she really meant it. She couldn’t imagine a world where she fell in love with Pansy Parkinson… they just weren’t well suited for one another, that's what made this arrangement work.